Dancing In The Light 055305094X

Citation preview

Dmcing in the

Lgli r

Books by Shirley MacLaine

"Don't Fall Off the Mountain"

You Can Get There from Here Out on

a

Dancing

Limb in the Light

in tnc I. LI

Shmcy Mctcimc

^S: TORONTO

•

BANTAM BOOKS NEW YORK LONDON SYDNEY •

•

•

AUCKLAND

—

DANCING

A

All

©

Copyright

THE LIGHT

IN

Bantam Book

I

October

1983

rights reserved.

1983 by

Shirley MacLaine.

Book Design by Nicola Mazzella This hook may not be reproduced in whole or in part, by

mimeograph or any other means, without permission. For information address: Bantam Books. Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data MacLaine, Shirley, 1934-

Dancing

in the light.

1. MacLaine, Shirley, 1934United States Biography. 3.

—

States

— Biography.

PN2287.M18A32

L

Entertainers

2.

Spiritualists

—United

Title.

1985

791.43'028'0924 {B]85-47621

ISBN 0-553-05094-X Published simultaneously in the United States

Bantam Books trademark,

are published

consisting of the

portrayal of a

rooster,

is

by

Bantam

and Canada

Books,

Inc.

Us

words "Bantam Books" and the

Registered in the United States Patent

and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Regis trada. Bantam Books, Inc., 666 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10103.

PRINTED

FG

IN

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 9

8

7

For

Mom

and Dad

Honeybear and Christopher for

allowing

me

to mirror

myself through them

Wu Wu Wu Wu Wu

Li Li Li Li Li

Master

= Patterns of organic = My way = Non-sense = clutch my ideas = Enlightenment

energy

I

= One who

begins at the center, not the fringe

To dance with God,

the creator of

all

things,

is

to

dance with

oneself.

The Dancing

Wu Li

Gary Zukav

Masters

Parr

One

The Dmcc Without

WtC CkMCY

a 'n

1984,

woke up

I

going to be

my New York

in

1984 and of course

I

my

I

flair to

I

morning of April 24, realize felt

I

reaching the midcentury

I

was

there was

mark

in

couldn't, anymore, accept the synchronicity

personal event as merely accidental.

knew,

the

apartment to

old at 3:57 that afternoon.

fifty years

some kind of dramatic of

I

As

had told everybody

I

no longer believed there was any such thing

as accident.

Everything that happened was a result of some form of cause and effect

and therefore had an underlying reason. For example, the slight headache

I

now

had.

knew

I

it

was

from the prebirthday bash the night before.

My for a

friend, the lyricist Christopher Adler,

few thousand of

my

had thrown

I had to work we pretended my birthday was

closest friends. Since

night of the twenty-fourth,

a party

the the

twenty-third. Chris had decorated the Limelight with white and crystal.

The

invitations required white dress,

and

a

few people

Shirley

came

MacLaine

and sheets because white was not part of

in jogging togs

their city wardrobe.

The LimeHght was an

old church done over into a hot,

Fellini-like disco. After the church

become

a

drug rehabilitation center

Limelight people

down. Due

my

that

owners had moved out,

to

who

my

for a while,

and

it

it

had

was the

prevented the building from being torn

spiritual proclivities,

thought

I

it

very fitting

birthday party was being thrown in a rescued church.

we could help add a new dimension to its original purTo dance in a church seemed to be as good an idea as praying. In fact, they were the same thing to me. As I rememPerhaps

pose.

bered,

it

seemed

to

me

no dancing was allowed

the Baptist church in Virginia where friends,

stairs.

basements.

My

Catholic

It

was

a

sort of

in

double standard both

The Baptist church was informal upstairs, and formal downThe Catholic church was the other way around. But my

so-called Baptist really

grew up.

basement of

on the other hand, could dance and even drink beer

their church

ways.

I

in the

background (which was actually negligible) never

influenced me. After

my

first

necking on hayrides instead. So

determined more by everything depends on

However,

my

my

my

church picnic,

opted for

religious propensities were

my

libido than

how you

I

look at

higher

self.

But then

it.

disco prebirthday party was an event, religious

or otherwise, in anybody's language. Each guest was

met

at the

door by a white-clad escort (some decorated with sequins or crystals)

who

then ushered us through the passageways from rec-

tory to library to meeting rooms

all

bowered

in

white flowers.

There was laughter, warmth and joy ringing through the rooms

hung from

where

crystals

lilies,

white roses and white

eight-foot floral arrangements of white freesias,

while clouds of white bal-

loons drifted about the ceiling, rippling in the air currents. walls were draped with crystal studded white silk.

The

Eighteenth-

century chamber music reverently accompanied us into the cock-

Dancing

tail

reception room.

in the Light

wondered how long

privately

I

before the night cut loose into what,

full-blown exercise in

my

his camera.

legs,

massaged the place

religious photographer

had

thought of Elizabeth Taylor's description of

I

Mike Todd's

her experience at

my

some overly

right foot where

dropped

a

dolce vita.

turned over in bed, stretched

I

on

la

would take

it

was sure, would be

I

me

She told

funeral.

there had

been people eating their lunch off the gray slabs of tombstones while waiting to get pictures of the grieving widow. There had

been a hot, ghoulish feeling of excitement excitement that

is

who's

What

left alive it isn't. I

the same kind of

Was

generated by bad accidents. Accidents?

Mike's death in a plane crash an accident?

wished

—

possible

had known then what

Oh

dear, tell the one

good could death play?

knew now. Perhaps

I

I

could have

I

been more help to Elizabeth. I

gazed out

my bedroom window

Images of the night before friends

me

who had come

in

still

across

skipped in

River.

the East

my mind

.

.

.

the

from various parts of the world to help

endearment

celebrate being half a century old, the toasts of

they had offered

me

thought of me.

was one of those nights when you are faced with

It

as,

shyly, they stood to declare

what they

whether or not you have the grace to accept compliments without self-judgment, without false deprecation, and without embarrass-

ment.

But

children,

my

who

daughter Sachi

basically speak

really

did

it

from feelings and not from

always can, she brought the tears fully spilling from she stood

mother

up and

whom

I

said,

love

all

As only

me.

to

I

intellect,

eyes

can say and she

is

also

when

to

my

my

role

"Happy birthday

in a breath,

more than

my

model." Mercifully, Christopher wheeled in the birthday cake

asked for carrot

—my

favorite),

and

as

I

(I

had

blew out the candles

I

MacLaine

Shirley

found myself struggling with how to thank everyone.

down

at the

cake for some time. The room was silent.

my

touched by the tributes of these,

dearest

my

leagues, and was having trouble clearing

very

much

to say

special occasion,

Then

love. after said.

I

blew

"You

I

something meaningful, time

a special

see

nose. "Friendship

it

me, a

my mind

got a picture in

my

for

is

not linear.

It

moves

col-

wanted a

outpouring of

special

and spoke

it

out loud

on the horizon,"

etched against the sky, and then

is

I

was indeed

for this

as

the ship dips out of your vision, but that doesn't there. Friendship

and

friends

throat. Also

like a ship

stared

I

was deeply

I

it

I

moves on,

mean

it's

not

in all directions, teaching

us about ourselves and each other.

"That's why, over the period of long friendships, as with most

of the people in this room, are not always seen."

came

to a stop.

And

I

we

are there for each other, even if

wanted

to say more, but

discovered

I

we

choked up and so

was very hungry

as

we

all

plowed

into white asparagus in pastry shells, roast veal, green vegetables

had never heard

of,

I

morel mushrooms, and mixed salad with herbs

only a health food store would recognize,

all

topped off with that

divine carrot cake.

Dinner over, we repaired

to the public

rooms

to join a cast of

apparently thousands thronging the nave of the ex-church.

From

a

floodlit balcony overlooking the milling, shouting, cheering, sing-

ing audience

we watched

delightedly as a roster of extraordinary

entertainers joyfully tore the night apart. I

definitely

was treated

to a coruscating birthday in a

and Light temple out of one of

I

gazed out

Welfare Island

Love

old Atlantean lifetimes!

as

I

thought about the night

wondering what other people's perceptions of the party had

before,

been.

at

my

I

always loved to speculate on whether others were seeing

through their eyes what

I

was seeing through mine. Truth and

Dancing

reality

were so

relative,

wondered how others and inward

much

as

Did

happened.''

legs

morning,

and

Jesus,

I

right.

all

shower to make

I

my

lifted

legs out of

as

I

bed — my — my

dancer's

twenty-five-

real or

something

I

just figured

I

should have

was working hard and was half a hundred years

looked full-face into the mirror. Pretty good,

just before

my

led

shuffled like a fifty-year-old toward the

Clear, translucent-pink skin ever since

my

last

I

old.''

thought.

hicky disintegrated

daughter, Sachi, was born, and hardly any wrin-

except the laugh lines sprinkled around the eyes which

kles,

considered

downward I

might have

were leading now?

a transition into a less painful reality.

thought

I

had

to that point

life

to the life they

my

badges of positive thinking.

slightly so

I

how

need a touch-up;

Clairol's version.'' It

flashed to the

I

knew the reality of these legs in this life, this They were killing me. They needed a hot

bathroom, was pain

I

them

mind's eye.

Did they look back

fifty.

wondering how

two-shows-a-day-on-the-weekend legs

years-apiece legs.

because

about being

I,

in the

others also speculate on lives they

rolled over

—my

mused, residing only

felt

as

before which brought I

I

in the Light

was

I

could observe the part in

my own

tilted

my

hairline.

was

fine.

had another week or two.

I

basics

I

enjoyed

I

head

Did

streaked red hair from

visible

pared-down

my

when

My mind

traveling, out of

touch with the technology of twentieth-century beauty aids, and challenged to rely on in huts in the

my own

resources.

backwoods of the American

—

my memory New York as a

South, was etched in

was leading now

I

water.

living

Himalayas, or the Andes of Peru, or in tents on the

plains of Africa, or in shacks in the

my own show

The experience of

in

at the

a sharp contrast to the life

musical-comedy performer

I

in

Gershwin Theater.

flipped the shower curtain closed and turned on the hot

Hot water

important

it

miracles on the

is

a dancer's

trump

card.

1

hadn't learned

how

me until the last ten years. It worked liquid body. And fast too. I didn't have to contend with

was

to

MacLaine

Shirley

the scheduling of the eucalyptus steam

had an immediate hot, wet therapy as

I

knew how

to use

room

in a health club.

my own

bathroom

each corner of the tub.

my

four quartz crystals sitting on

had been learning to work with the power

I

my

of crystals and that discipline had become part of

stepped into the tub and

and body.

hair,

I

daily

the steaming water run over

let

could

the sleep congestion in

feel

my

loosen up and the muscles along pliable.

I

long

as

it.

checked the positions of

I

in

life.

I

my face, my chest

column become more

spinal

did a quick chiropractic back adjustment, feeling the

I

vertebrae slip into place, and breathed deeply, inhaling and exhal-

ing the steam about ten times.

warm

salt into a

glass of

plined ritual which

I

I

leaned over and poured

shower water and began another

did every day.

I

put

the glass and sniffed in the salt water.

other people's grandmothers,

several

was concerned. Whenever

I

my My

It

grandmother, and

that

I

method

this

worked, too,

sniffing the salt water usually nipped the cold in the

me

disci-

to

as far as

I

did happen to catch a rare cold,

day. Natural, holistic approaches

had taught

sea

nose to the edge of

had used

purify the nasal, throat, and sinus tracts.

cines or drugs. In fact,

some

worked better

no longer had

for

bud the

me

first

than medi-

a family doctor. Experience

orthodox Western medicine relied

far

too

heavily on drugs.

touched

I

to

do

my

my thumbs

chanting mantras. By closing the

together,

the

energy circulated through

nourishing each

cell as

chanting increased.

through

quency

and forefingers together and prepared

my of

body.

I I

body

in

forefinger a

cycle,

the frequency of the sound waves of

my

loved the feeling of sound waves coursing

had

sound when

vocalizing during

thumb and

my

I

first

understood the power of the

fre-

began singing lessons years ago. The

warm-ups

actually

made my body

feel

more

aligned than before. Physical therapists had used diathermy (circulated

sound waves) on any injury

I

had incurred

as a dancer. It

was

Dancing

quite effective. So

made

it

in the Light

me

sense to

that one could use sound

therapy on oneself without a machine by simply chanting as the

Hindus have done

in

temples for centuries,

their

matter, as thousands of people have done,

bathtub and shower

for

adopted by the West.

And no doubt

As

flowing through

plumbing was

Romans

did

too.

it

I

had learned

I

joyously caroling in

ever since

the

that

for

my Hindu mantras visualized white light my bloodstream. It made me feel centered and

chanted

I

balanced.

generations,

or,

draw

to

in

white light that

visualized

I

coming from some source above me, and with the sound vibrating through

my

me

body, the light traveled through

tion of calm alignment.

would think of

had no doubts about what the

I

my morning

discipline as a contribution to

some members of even

taining health, but

causing a sensa-

when

rubbed some

chest. Salt

is

I

on

my

throat and

Nature knows what

would purify while chanting with the

I

the front of

it

don't think

my

Any

doing.

it is

faddistic,

but

worked

it

Again,

salt.

for

it

might have

me.

chanted and visualized the white light for about

utes. That's all I

down

was carrying from the tumult of the night before

seemed "new age"

I

salt

a basic purifier.

negative energy

day.

patients

ill

there was nothing to lose. I

I

body were

that august

using visualization techniques with their terminally

AMA main-

took. Five minutes out of I

my morning

five

min-

life

every

would have continued with these techniques

if

hadn't gotten practical, functional, concrete, solid results from

them.

I

have always been a pragmatic person.

as a dancer,

Your

you have to

orientation

is

earthbound because pain

Dancing, using the body

oldest arts

known

ited.

A

its

is

in creative ways,

man. But sophisticated forms

the body, challenging

you're trained

be.

live with.

to

When

a reality is

force

you

one of the

and

strain

apparent limitations to become unlim-

good dancer always knows

that challenge to the capability

of the body involves far more than an orientation to the physical.

MacLaine

Shirley

A

superb athlete always understands that there

mind and So,

a

is

dimension of body.

spirit necessary to realize the full potential of the

might be words that sound

mysticism,

holistic,

esoteric,

unpragmatic, but when translated into physical terms, the practitioner understands that he or she

is

simply learning

how

to use

invisible energies to their best advantage. I

to I

stepped out of the shower. The phone rang. People seemed

know when

I

was up.

had learned how

I

let it

a simple

ring until the service picked

phone

call

energies for the rest of the day.

finished,

all

If

waited until

I

my

yoga tape and began

my

twenty-five postures,

feeling the pliability

from the hot shower elongate

The yoga took about

fifty

felt

I

I

news was good news.

put on

complete.

up.

could interrupt the align-

ment of I

it

my

muscles.

minutes, or seven more phone

energized and proud of myself that

I

calls, to

had not been

seduced by contact from the outside world.

Now messages; to give

I

was ready.

among them,

me

I

my

called

that

my

a birthday present.

service

and picked up many

publisher (Bantam) was expecting

They hoped

would

that afternoon

be suitable. I

my

dressed and went downstairs to the living room. Sachi and

Sandy and Dennis Kucinich were out.

friends I

neglected because no one was there to wish

felt

happy birthday. Spoiled

rotten,

I

thought to myself,

me

a real

after

the

lavishing of affection the night before.

Simo walked dish of his

into the living

homemade

Simo worked

for

me.

room from the kitchen with

He

did everything.

He was my

friend,

runner of the household, and companion in spiritual quest.

had met through the metaphysical community

in

it

my

had mine. wife,

He

just

laughed wisely when

I

life as

introduced

because before he came to work for me,

10

We

Manhattan, and

the spiritual path he was treading had reoriented his as

a

apple compote and a cup of decaf coffee.

I

much

him

had

as

said,

Dancing

"Look, what

He

had

need

I

said,

someone." So

is

a wife in every respect

"I'm your man.

way

that's the

"Yeah,"

I

shook

but the bedroom."

always wanted to take care of

I've

it

"So, did you sleep after

He

in the Light

was with

us.

that last night?" he asked.

all

answered. "Have you ever seen anything like it?" his head,

and

tummy

his

jiggled

up and down

as

he laughed and joked about what had happened.

"You know," he up

at the ceiling as

said, slowly

rocking on his heels, looking

though he could snare some elusive thought up

"You know," he murmured

there.

again,

"they just wanted to

touch you to remind themselves that somebody like you

is

real,

didn't they?"

"What do you mean?"

I

asked.

"Well," said Simo, "Christopher said the same thing. After everything that has happened to you over the past year, people

wanted

to see for themselves that

myth. That you had your pants one leg

"Yeah, maybe," items.

a wart or

at a I

you were not an

two and

still,

as

illusion, not a

they say, put on

time." said. "I

guess that's

We're some kind of symbol

why

celebrities are hot

that anything

possible

is

good or bad." "It's

everything," said Simo. "Your Oscar, the success of

that stuff you're talking about

in

obviously working for you on the stage with feel

you have an answer they would

people that said you didn't have year ago are beginning to I

fact,

I

all

this hit

your

it.

me,

so

you so,"

to

I I

paddles in the

And

the

water

a

wonder what they might have missed."

could never stand people wasn't about to do

it

to

my

who

anyone

things. In "I told

said, else.

even like I-told-you-so's when they agreed with me. prejudicial

so

it's

show. They

like to be a part of.

smiled to myself. Gloating was not one of despised

How

Out on a Limb.

all

I

It

didn't is

so

and self-serving and ultimately arrogant.

Simo picked up some

dirty napkins from the coffee table and

11

Shirley

MacLaine

put one hand on his hip. "Well," he

who thought

former friends

are really hard for

me

I

He

I

was talking about, and

He walked I

I

find

who it

are

beginning to see with them."

easier to be

window down

as it

First

Avenue.

did to Simo or to any of us

seemed so

It

who were pursuing

our self-search from a karmic point of view. The between

don't have

into the kitchen.

looked out the

simple to me,

concrete difference

karmic spiritual perspective and the earth plane,

the

was

materialistic perspective

it,"

We

self-responsibility.

''prove

When we

happened

ized we were responsible for everything that

real-

we And

to us,

could get on with living in a positive and contributive way. that

went

for everything,

lost job, or a disease.

to

learn

from them

We

whether

it

was a love

death, a

affair, a

choose to have these experiences in order

—and

to

me,

that

what

is

life

Learning and enjoying the knowledge that

learning.

it

moment. "But

hesitated a

then," he went on, "there are others

what

understood

I

communicate with now.

to

anything to say to each other."

My

know.

"I don't

said,

was weird because

about:

is

life

is

all

about lessons. I

remembered how

Out on a Limb. buster."

Couldn't I'd

kept

my

Was I

A it

few of

I

had

my

felt just

really necessary to

a lot

about that.

would be

it

be so public about

have them in private just

thought

prior to the publication of

friends had said

a "career

my

beliefs?

as well?

Of

course

I

thoughts and feelings to myself. But

could have safely

my

life

had been

about expression. From the time

I

attending dancing classes because

loved to express myself physi-

cally.

And when,

as a teenager,

I I

was three years old,

went from dancing

and musical comedy, that expanded experience was

I

was

to singing

a natural

and

logical extension of self-expression.

When different

I

carried expression even further, into acting,

kind of

joy,

the

delight

of becoming

more

I

felt a

specific

through the use of words and language, which painted a more

12

Dancing

in the Light

detailed portrait than song and dance could accomplish.

loved

I

the intricate mystery of being another character, sorting out back-

ground and motivation and meaning, exploring and thoughts

new

in relation to this

Writing became, yet again, another

and

spiritual turn,

felt,

I

began to take

myself. But then the discoveries

I

its

a metaphysical

would write about only

for

was making began to take on

I

me, personally, but

significance and importance not only for

philosophy with a power of

feel-

that this was a purely private

at first,

something which

matter, a curiosity,

thoughts and

and feelings of others.

ings, of trying to understand the thoughts

When my

feelings

and natural ex-

logical

my

tension of understanding and explaining

internal explorations

my own

person.

own. To

sit

on

my

as a

fresh awareness

would have meant curbing the expression of a whole set of con-

new and

cepts

vital

in

would be tantamount myself

had

if I

my

experience.

to paralysis.

For me, such repression

could not have lived with

or had calculated

to write,

failed

I

according to what the market would bear.

my

living

And

that

to the dictates of

was not

may

I

life

in

my

I

my

writing

would then have been

some amorphous public "image."

lexicon of behavior.

have been raised in a middle-class,

WASP,

"don't-rock-

the-boat" environment as far as behavior was concerned, but the free exploration of

my

mother and

human

thinking was another matter altogether. Both

father encouraged the expansion of curiosity in

thought, mine and everyone

else's.

They may have had

their concerns about appearances, but never once did they curtail

what

I

might want

my

ing factor in

to think.

They were the

development

a

free,

most encourag-

uninhibited thinker.

them when it came to the natural, young mind, all questions were not only

Nothing was preposterous spongelike seeking of a

as

single

to

permitted but welcomed and explored, and no restrictions were

imposed

just

impression"

long

as as

a

as

person.

I

was polite and made Their open-mindedness

13

a

fairly

in

"good

regard

to

Shirley

MacLaine

philosophic and spiritual exploration was free-flowing, unthreatened, and unthreatening. As they often said, "If you keep your feet

on the ground and your head

Their reality was up to them,

mine was out

in the stars,

you will be fine."

mine would be up

as

And

me.

to

in the open.

I began my book tour to publicize Out on a Limb, I would be discussing reincarnation, spiritual guides, the

So, as

knew

I

possibility of the existence of extraterrestrials,

other dimensions in public, and, happily,

mindedness of

my

parents wasn't

all

and the "reality" of

found that the open-

I

that unusual.

For me, that was a new kind of liberating miracle, and one that

I

think could have happened only in America.

thralled by

how genuinely

really were.

I

I

was en-

curious and open-minded Americans

encountered an ingratiating friendliness on the part

of talk-show hosts, audience participants, feminists, journalists, students, even doctors and psychiatrists

who

questioned

my

point

of view without rancor or judgment. The doctors and psychiatrists often said, yes, they sensed there was another dimension to deal

with when they treated their patients, but ers of science they

had to

rely

as empirical practition-

on what they had learned. But

I

loved the genuine human curiosity that most people displayed. And the humor! So much of it made me laugh. And as soon as it was clear that my own sense of humor had not deserted me while floating down the spiritual path, people relaxed and had fun. The male journalists usually questioned me about "proof." How do you know you have a soul? How do you measure this God-force? How do you know you've lived before? Don't you feel you're fantasizing these things because civilization has reached the

point of collapse and this just makes you

were

less

allowing a

might

They

feel

They externalized personal evaluation to come forth

se/f-inwoWed.

be. It

was an object lesson

better?

their

The men

reactions,

regardless of

not

what

it

in left-brain (yang) orientation.

weren't comfortable exploring their right-brain (yin) intu-

it

Dancing

They were shy about

itive intelligence.

them

consider

in the Light

credible. Intuition

their "feelings"

and didn't

and feelings were the domain of

the female. I

years.

had known many of the journalists personally throughout the

They were

familiar with

my

feminism, political activism,

my

antiwar position, anti-nuclear stance, and

attitudes

toward

They knew how opposed I was to couldn't even swing smoking a joint. I was

personal and sexual freedom.

drugs and that

I

"down

and forthright.

to earth"

So when

I

explained spiritual search as a natural extension of

personal and intuitive curiosity, they put perspective, and

my

it

more

need to look for

down

to

my

reality,

in life than

my

meets the

eye.

The women were another for validation of feelings they

Most of them seemed hungry

story.

had wondered about, been explor-

ing, or possibly even expressing, but were embarrassed to expose.

Quietly, in small personal ways, they were on their

private

they

were comfortable engaging

in

own

search. In

discussions

consciousness-raising sessions relating to their spiritual lives.

and

Chakkra

energy, holistic healing, meditation, and karmic truth were sub-

commanded

jects that

their attention

more and more.

Exploration might have begun as a search for identity, but

had rapidly evolved into identity assertion. For generations,

women,

it

as

they had been in pursuit of intuitive understanding, a

fundamentally female (right-brain) path to recognizing that truth

may

exist

on an unseen

as well as a seen level.

Women

had been

surviving within the male power structure for eons on that basis.

Their yin strength was visible,

now becoming more developed, more

and was steadily accelerating.

So the female journalists related to their questions with the

The men with the mind. Both were a lesson for me. Both were necessary. The men motivated me to become more articulate, which isn't easy when describing matters of the soul. The women heart.

15

MacLaine

Shirley

me

motivated task

is

letters

beginning that It

what

to find out

The

which,

to just be myself, self

had poured

alas, isn't easy

is.

in.

many but

read

I

I

knew from

the

shouldn't and couldn't offer any explanations.

I

was each individual's responsibility

own

when your

soul and find the answer.

to

Meditate,

look into his or her 1

suggested. Allocate

time every day to "knowing" yourself better. interested in spiritual channeling,

them

told

I

If

someone was

to read

Edgar Cayce, or Jane Roberts, or Ruth Montgomery. interested in having a

more

If

books by they were

positively functioning body,

sug-

I

gested they read books on holistic medicine, or food combining, or yoga exercise. If they were interested in opening

chakkra energy centers

down

up the seven recommended they go to community and ask for advice

the spine,

metaphysical bookstores in their

from the owner.

I

I

had found that one book usually leads

another anyway, just

as

one shared conversation leads to

to

many

more. I

trance

was reluctant to recommend

medium

channels because

I

spiritual guides felt

that

guided to their own source of learning.

and teachers or

most people should be

When

the student

is

ready, the teacher appears. I

cherish the response, but have since

the letter writers,

come

to realize that, for

the act of having expressed themselves and

shared their feelings was what was important to them. I

didn't

want

to

become anybody's guru, nor did

lead or form a spiritual

movement.

something a person did on

own

their

I

want

Spiritual self-searching

own,

in their

own way,

to

was

at their

pace. Each individual reacts and responds differently to these

personal truths. Each person

ing and

it

doesn't

work

their

is

own

in terms of

universe of understand-

ever really know.'*

Knowledge of

this lifetime either.

So there

is

self

is

a lifetime job,

no way to

16

One

comparative progress.

person might seem more advanced than another, but

who

could

and not

just

assess progress in a linear

Dancing

fashion.

There

isn't

a

in the Light

A

comparative pecking order.

spiritually

evolved person in a former lifetime could choose to have the experience of spiritual blindness in this lifetime, just to act as a

someone

catalyst for

about what

And hopefully

like

had come to

I

here

I

was

at

whether

I

needed to be more articulate

realize.

fifty,

questioning,

still

evolving, and certainly

still

What made me

open.

me who

the

way

I

still

was.''

had lived before or whether

I

I

doing

still

all

it

curious,

out in the

no longer questioned

would

live again.

I

was

now questioning how and why. we were. we choose to have relationships with people in order to learn? Did we make these choices before we were born? Indeed, did we choose the very parents we wanted to belong to? Relationships were the heart and core of everything

So did

When friends took

me

see

I

had with

my life from that point my mother and father and

on another dimension

them and myself

which was

I

went over

I

relationships

just

—

a

the

dimension that would help

in another light. Yes,

beginning to come into the light

heard voices in the front

of view,

daughter and

hall. Sachi

was a dance

life

for

me.

and Dennis and Sandy

were home.

"Happy

birthday," they caroled as they

came

into the

room

and kissed me.

so

"Thank God the stores were open," said Dennis. "We were caught up in the celebration yesterday, we didn't have time to

get you a present."

"You

are the present,"

I

said,

looking

at

one of the most

daring and unorthodox politicians in big-city politics

—housed

in

the body of a twelve-year-old kewpie doll. His eyes were round

17

Shirley

brown

MacLaine

saucers, his hair teenage thick,

and

his

way of walking

that

of a prancing track star certain that he would win every race possible because he

knew he was borne by

own

the winds of his

destiny.

Dennis Kucinich and

blonde wife, Sandy, had a young

his

named Jackie to whom I was the godmother. Dennis I had known Jackie in another life and was possibly

two-year-old

was positive

the only one, later on,

who would

be able to handle her in this

one.

Behind Dennis and Sandy came Sachi. "Hi, Mom," she said, lighting up the room

as she

did every

time she walked into one. She leaned over and hugged

me

kissed

me

on

my

cheek.

"Happy birthday,"

two gift-wrapped boxes. "This says

and

she said. She handed

better than

it

me

I

can," she

said.

too)

YOU,

my

opened the boxes. One was

I

and the other was a morning

Mom, I

coffee

perfume (and hers

mug which

I

LOVE

sat

back

said:

every morning."

poured what was

and looked

favorite

left

of

my

decaf into her

mug

and

at her.

She bubbled on about the crowded balcony the night before

and Christopher popping out of

a

plaster-of-paris

middle of the show they put on. She laughed

cake in the

at the spectacle

Liberace wearing a cloak that a royal queen would have killed

and the sweet humor of Marvin Hamlisch

of

for,

he dedicated the

as

heretofore unheard overture to Chorus Line to me.

As she watched her

recalled the theatrical excitement of the celebration in delight

and

lighthearted flower child was really

my

daughter.

Sachi had had an international education, having

with

me

in

America

until she

Japan until she was twelve, and in

England and Switzerland

I

reveled in the truth that this pure,

was nearly

six,

grown up

with her father in

at her request, in

boarding schools

until she graduated.

We

had spent

Dancing

in the Light

months every summer together as well as the Christmas and Easter holidays. As she put

six

three

quality of the time you spend with someone.

was so proud

I

When

about her.

as

watched

I

her.

it

Not

weeks during

once, "It's the the quantity."

She had a pristine innocence

she was happy in her soul, there was no one

had ever met who brought

me more

joy.

I

She was nearly twenty-

eight years old, but gave the impression of being barely out of her

Yet she was shrewd and canny when she knew what she wanted. Long, free-flowing corn-silk hair hung around her freckteens.

button-nosed

led,

a

eyes,

and when she blinked her porcelain-blue

face,

minihurricane was stirred up by her very long, thick,

absolutely ridiculous eyelashes.

Her

naivete had a quality of joyous

wisdom. She continually marveled around her, and the

lives

of people

at

the

wonder of the world

who came

in contact

with her

were caught up by her infectious gaiety.

But Sachi had

a

depth of understanding which was sometimes

stupefying. She empathized with others on levels that

continually question where her talent for sensitivity

guess parents are always the discriminating maturity and

last I

to

comprehend

was no

different.

came from.

Sachi also had a I

had often

been on the receiving end of her convictions. In other words, guileless as she seemed,

she

knew

what was

I,

exactly

I

knew

in

fact, that

and many others, found so attractive in

their yoga,

She knew she

A

the world around her was becoming

more and more disheartened. Sachi was also working with Most of her

her.

was probably

and she wanted to stay that way. ...

complicated process, since

as

heart that most of the time

what she was doing. In

a creature of light

ciples.

my

I

their children's

understanding of what she wanted to convey and

clear

made me

spiritual

and metaphysical prin-

They meditated, practiced techniques for healing. They were

friends were too.

and visualized light

careful about junk food,

and prowled the health food

stores look-

ing for food from natural sources, experimenting with no

19

salt,

MacLaine

Shirley

sugar-free brownies, and bee pollen and wheat grass for even

more

energy.

always

I

knew when

Sachi had been shopping.

tor

was stacked with carrot

To

her, a

juice

and organic

fruits

The

refrigera-

and vegetables.

good dinner was a load of raw vegetables surrounding a dish of lemon and mustard dressing, all nestled on a large wooden

plate.

She was

however, a gourmet cook. She had studied haute

also,

cuisine in Paris

and

Tokyo and could whip up

in

The night

the palate out of leftovers.

a

masterpiece for

she sauteed thinly sliced

chicken in a wild-mushroom and butter-wine-shallot sauce, mystified.

meat, but

I

was

thought she had discovered some new kind of veallike

it

liked having

I

was

me

thawed-out frozen chicken breast. She never

a

in the kitchen

when

she was cooking because that

was her perfectionist domain. And she sipped dry vermouth on the rocks while she cooked, just as I

me

think she doesn't like

anyone to know how many achieve the effect that

For a while, ever

/

nothing

my

made baked else.

is

I

had heard the chefs of Europe do.

weight-gaining ingredients she uses to

so delectable.

diet called for a lot of

apples,

They were

want

in the kitchen because she doesn't

fair.

I

baked apples.

When-

used brown-sugar substitute and

When

Sachi

made baked

apples, they

had been prepared with melted butter, cinnamon, nutmeg, and real sugar.

There was no comparison. She loved watching

the baked apples, realized

how

but was most upset when

she did

I

me

walked

enjoy

in

and

it!

Because of her international education, Sachi had thought of

becoming

a translator at the

United Nations. She spoke and read

and wrote fluent Japanese and French plus some Cantonese Chinese.

She could read many Oriental newspapers but Japanese was

the language she translated the alphabet into. sensitive in both Eastern

She was socially

and Western cultures and was sometimes

20

Dancing

in the Light

confused by the reality that East and

West did have

a

complicated

time making the twain meet.

Soon

after she

completed her French studies

in

Paris,

she

came to Malibu to live. One night we were discussing what she might want to do with her life. I remember she was cutting a piece of fruitcake. She was in a wistful

mood

that night, and as

she gently pushed the knife into the cake, she sighed and said,

Mom,

"Oh,

so mysterious, isn't it?"

life is

couldn't help

I

She looked up

at

me,

startled,

and

laughed out loud.

I

"What?"

said,

"Excuse me, sweetheart. Yes,

said,

I

She was so adorable,

it.

certainly mysteri-

life is

ous, but could you cut into that fruitcake again, line the

and deliver that

same way once more?"

"Deliver the line?" she asked, mystified. "Yes,

I

mean,

said exactly the

do what you did again, saying what you

just

same way. Do you remember how you did

"Yes," she said. "I always remember

Oh my,

I

how

I

it?"

do something."

thought. This could be revealing.

So, once again, with no preparation, she repeated the "scene." It

was uncannily

She looked up tant

moment. So did "I see," said I

identical.

me.

at

I

blinked.

she.

hesitated. Should I

I

I went on. some fun. Do the same the same 'life can be mysteri-

pursue this or not?

said.

"Let's have

thing with the fruitcake and deliver

"Sure,"

sensed this was an impor-

I.

"Okay, now," ous' line, but

I

make me

feel

she said

without even thinking.

sad as though your heart

said,

"Oh, Mom,

life

I

to be

little

choking back

with no

more

hesi-

tears as she

can be so mysterious," as though she had

been sentenced to die professional,

seemed

breaking."

Again,

preparation or emotional adjustment, she cut a tantly into the cake and

is

at

dawn.

She

really

thought, oh dear, should

21

I

moved me. As a tell her how

really

Shirley

talented she

Her kind of

is?

neously evident.

"Okay,"

I

expressive capacity was

instanta-

almost guided to go on.

felt

said, "let's

I

MacLaine

do something

else."

"Sure," she answered, knowing that not only was this fun,

but she might be on to something.

do an improvisation,"

"Let's

I

suggested.

"What's that?"

You go

"Well, here's the outline. door.

I'll

answer

it,

and your task

someone out on the desperately plead for

"Oh," she

who

street

me

to help

is

me

all

somehow and

has been injured

them.

the

you have found

that

And make me

said, her face lighting up. "Just

and then launch into

Knock on

outside.

to tell

believe it."

knock on the door

that?"

"Yep."

"Okay." She walked outside and closed the door. the stairs that led to the beach below.

up the

before she ran

steps

heard her descend

I

About one minute elapsed

and pounded on the door. As soon

heard the intensity of the pounding,

I

knew how

it

as

I

was going to

develop.

"Mom, Mom," I

she screamed.

"Open

up!

Open

up!"

opened up.

"There's a man, a really sweet man, outside on Malibu Road.

He's been hit by a car and he needs help. He's bleeding.

much

He's losing so it's

too late."

my arm yourself

to if

Her

blood,

we

eyes filled with desperate tears as she pulled on

come and

look.

"Please,

Mom, come

you don't believe me. Come,

really in pain.

really.

Maybe you should look you can tell them what to

He's really there. the doctors so

Mom.

need to call the paramedics before

I'm not acting now.

there."

22

at

This

him

and look

for

isn't acting.

before you call

bring. But hurry, he's

Come

on.

Don't

just stand

Dancing

It

was

all

down

could do not to bolt

I

for the street.

in the Light

the stairs and beeline

it

stood astonished in the doorway.

I

Sachi stared at me.

"What

Mom?"

you doing,

are

"I'm wondering

if

there really

"No, Mom," she laughed, the

make

you believe

it.

did, didn't

I

"Yes, darling,"

said.

I

a

is

man on

tears

the street."

gone now. "You

said

I.''"

"You

certainly did, especially

when

shrewd too."

you said, 'This isn't acting.' You're "Is this acting.''" she said.

my arm

put

I

than acting,"

around her and closed the door. "This "This

said.

I

is

believe

"Yes,"

what you

more

believability."

She skipped back to the fruitcake. "Then

someone

is

say,

whether

it's

acting

is

true or

making

not.'*"

sighed, thinking of Ronald Reagan.

I

"Well," she

"maybe

said,

doing this sort of thing

all

my

I

should go into that. I've been

life!"

In five short minutes, the course of her

and we both knew

With stunning

it.

life

had been changed

alacrity, she

understood that

she had stumbled across a form of expression that was natural for

The question was, would she have the discipline to realize that acting took more than talent.^ Within two weeks, Sachi had enrolled herself in one of the finest acting schools in Hollywood and found herself working her.

beside already established actors and actresses class

to brush

known

as

someone

my else

memorizing

up on

who had

returned to

She had no problem being

their honesty.

daughter, although she never mentioned did.

lines,

And

before

I

knew

wading through

my

it,

it

unless

she was rehearsing,

closet for

costumes and

props, and carrying on long detailed conversations with her scene partners about what was expected of

Word

began to

filter

back to

me

than that, people loved having her

23

them the next

day.

about her talent. But more

as friend.

Of

course,

most of

Shirley

MacLaine

new friends she made were struggling, using ingenious methods to make ends meet, and learning to adjust to the emotional cruelty of the oppressive competition of show business. It made no the

difference to Sachi. She knew she

would make

was

in the right business

and she

one day.

it

There was

also a

profound aspect of therapy in relation to

what Sachi derived from

acting.

During

all

her years in Japan and

England, she had suffered from the cultural requirement to repress her feelings. She was an American, not a Japanese or an English

The double standard had begun

person. heart.

to

weigh heavily on her

She needed to express her feelings, her latent

fears, angers,

and confusions. She needed to mirror herself somehow, pulling out her emotions so she could confront them. She found acting to be a perfect forum,

and because she was once removed from feeling

"real," she allowed herself free rein in searching out

She soon became a participant California

She went

culture.

for

in

she was.

the positive aspects of

long walks

mountains, waded in the ocean, learned

who the

in

Calabasas

the backstreet short-

all

cuts in the Valley, Beverly Hills, and Santa Monica areas, and

haunted the health food

stores.

She was repulsed (thank goodness) by the cocaine toots and never drank more than a Kir (white wine and cassis) before dinner or her

vermouth when she cooked. She met

also a fellow actor,

whose family

treated herself to time

a

young man who was

lived in Santa Barbara, so she

away from her

classes for

walks along the

and mountains, and she camped out under the

trails

stars

with

him.

At

bound

first I

was concerned about the drug scene

knew

she was

had been one way of avoiding that problem,

in the first place

when

particularly father

I

to encounter in Hollywood. Sending her to school in Japan

and

I

I

was on location most of the time anyway. Her

had discussed that early on. As soon

as she

was of

school age, we had agreed that being educated away from Holly-

24

Dancing

wood would

in the Light

afford her the opportunity to have a multicultural

support system,

avoiding what could potentially have been a

tragedy for the child of a movie

made

Who

star.

knows whether we

the right decision. I'm sure there were other confusions that

plagued her child,

and

as a result of

knew

I

being separated from

so

much

as a

she had been through lonely hours as she

searched for herself. But

we

often talked about that search being

one you had to make on your own, and

me now,

me

as

bubbling with wondrous fun,

happy person,

certainty that she was a

I

I

full

gazed

her in front of

at

was comfortable in the of optimism, and that

our relationship had survived the confused stickiness that plagued so

many mothers and

daughters.

Sachi and Dennis and Sandy and

I

celebrated for an hour.

We

talked of how important it was to celebrate oneself. We talked of how we could each make whatever we desired happen in our lives if we believed it enough. If we couldn't celebrate ourselves, how could we celebrate someone else? If we didn't love ourselves, how could we really love anyone else.-* If we felt good about ourselves,

we'd

feel

good about

that state of

had taken

others. It

mind, and

I

seemed self-aggrandizing.

working

for

me.

I

also felt,

it's

fifty years to

wasn't about to change

attitude

positive attitude,

me

and

still

It

was

real

it

even to

do, that as long as

only the unlimited beginning.

23

if

me.

such an It

I

reach

was

keep a

Ck mcr 2

I said

warm

dressed in a

good-bye to Sachi and Dennis and Sandy

knit suit,

few hours,

for a

and went over to Bantam.

The

first

Ballantine,

person

my

saw

I

as

editor on Limb.

guardian angel

as

she

walked into the

I

call

I

her

shepherded

me

offices

Betty and her husband,

me

have heart when ridicule

I

down

to 372!

Ian Ballantine (the grand old

under their wings and encouraged

feared that the

my

through weeks of the

nine hundred-odd pages that were ultimately cut

publishing), took

was Betty

G.A. because she was

New York

man me

intellectuals

of to

would

me. "Just write your personal experience," they would

say.

Or,

and

let it

"It's

your reality. Be honest about your

grow out of

that.

began to

We

I

invisibly

maneuver any situation

I

call

to read

Ian the

you." So

did.

want

how

own it

experience

happened

to

Gremlin because he could

into a positive reality.

"Well, there you are," said Betty, walking toward

27

me

with

MacLaine

Shirley

her arms outstretched and her snow-white curls winding around

"Many happy

her heart-shaped face.

beaming

as

though she had

"Thanks, G.A.,"

something particularly

said

"Why

said.

I

returns, dear heart," she said,

do you look

significant.

though you've

as

just eaten a canary?"

"Oh," she laughed,

been thinking and thinking what to

"I've

wish you on your birthday and at

me

suddenly struck me." She looked

it

intently.

"Many happy an old saying.

returns," she said again, with emphasis. "It's

What do you

Many happy

returns,

think

it

means.-*"

myself and then the penny

said to

I

dropped.

"Do you mean

that

choose to return to earth

"Could be," she

it

we

could relate to each incarnation

with.-*"

said.

"Anyway,

I

thought

it

a particularly

appropriate wish for you."

thought again.

I

hope someone

is

know. Couldn't

"I don't

happy every time

it

mean

that

you

their birthday returns?"

"Well," she countered, "maybe, but we're already here, so

what does the return part mean?" I

stood stock-still in the hallway. "Well,"

given

me

begin

it

the title of the next book

on

said the

"When

"As soon picture, but

I

as

I

can I

to write

and

I

think

I'll

I

Gremlin, who had invisibly appeared be-

we have

close

think

night with ideas. think

said, "you've just

this birthday."

"Good," hind me.

want

I

I

I'll

it?"

my show postpone

just didn't

I'll it.

begin. I'm supposed to do a

I've

been waking myself up

know how

to structure

them.

at I

know how now."

The Gremlin beamed and rattled the change in his pockets. "You two are once again responsible for making my agent a very unhappy man!" I chided. "He thought he had finally gotten me back into show business and then you pop up again." 28

Dancing

We

put our arms around each other and

be another year before

saw something

went

I

in front of a

clearly that felt right for

knew

I

Jack Romanos, publisher

it

me,

it

would

When

didn't take

summer

before,

go on

at

I

me

Bantam, and Stuart Applebaum,

who had accompanied me on my book

chief of publicity,

walked toward

in for

"Everyone

us.

is

tour the

ready," said Jack.

your birthday presentation."

walked into the main conference room, where several dozen

I

with champagne glasses in

intelligent, literary-type people stood

hand waiting

to see

what

I

was

like.

how apprehensive

Jack stood on a chair and talked about

some people that

that

camera again.

make up my mind.

long to

"Let's

in the Light

'\(

at

before Ltmb

Bantam had been

came

out, then said

the response was any indication of what people wanted to

read these days, publisher.

it

was

a case of

how

the public was ahead of the

Lou Wolfe, Bantam's President, then presented me

with a dozen roses and two beautifully leather-bound books, one of the hardback and the other of the paperback edition of

housed

in a

P.M.

In

two minutes

spiritual guide had told

birthday

me

it

I

looked

my

would be

my

at

watch.

birth time.

that the energy one inherits

very powerful, because the sun and

is

book,

magnificent keepsake box. The crowd from Bantam

applauded, then asked to hear from me.

was 3:55

my

its

It

A

on one's

complementary

planets are emitting the same aligned energy that they did the

moment you were in

born.

You "own"

projecting whatever you want of

1983

I

had gone to a mountaintop

positively

what

I

that

what

I

I

in

is

yours to use

for the following years. In

Colorado and "projected" Ter??is

of Endearment, the

my Broadway show. had tried not to my mind. I needed to "know" I

or fear to enter

had projected would come

had projected happened. crowd,

it

wanted; the success of

Oscar, Out on a Limb, and

allow any doubt

that energy. It

remembered

my

Now,

as

I

to pass.

stood

Everything that

before

the

I

Bantam

projections the year before. There was no

29

Shirley

mountain

this

time and

and thanked everyone. day the year before

would

I I

MacLaine

couldn't be alone, so

explained what

at exactly 3:57,

please take one

minute and,

writing as soon as

I

left

I

the building.

my

asked everyone

in a collective

the book

positive thoughts about

some

and

stood on the chair

I

had done on

I

they

if

mood, send me

was going to begin

I

No

birth-

one bowed their heads,

but nearly everyone closed their eyes. Some probably thought I was a lunatic, but they indulged me anyway, and I have had

enough

to

wished

me

I

and

do with audiences

to

know

sopped up the positive goodwill

for

that this one genuinely

well.

one minute we were

silent

I

could

feel

with each other.

in the

room

was

kind

It

a

of collective projection.

When older,

I

the minute was over and

applauded them

for

I

was

officially

one year

going along with me, thanked them,

new smooth

and went out to get some looseleaf notebooks and ball-point pens.

Betty and Ian

was

satisfied that

I

knew they wouldn't have to nudge me and knew what I'd be doing for the next year.

As soon as I got back to my apartment, I called Mort, him what I was thinking, and he hung up the phone. "I'm very busy," he said. "I'm writing

my

memoirs.

I

told

I

don't

to write

more They

have time to talk to you."

Betty and Ian Ballantine had been pressing

about the relationship said they

uted to

life,

My

I

my mother and father. know how my childhood had contrib-

had had with

were anxious to

my

resisted because

Warren.

I

me

and what had been the interplay among didn't want to invade the privacy of

parents never

minded when

together; as a matter of fact, they seemed

important they had been to me.

30

I

my

us.

I

brother,

wrote about our

to revel in hearing

life

how

Dancing

I

in the Light

understood what Ian and Betty wanted, and had been

exploring that approach. One's fiftieth birthday

different lines.

childhood,

and

I

was interested

I

might have meant

was why Betty's

Mom

title

to each other long before

I

when

Mother had

me

time

I

parents

was born. That

—

believe

it

or

took them the manuscript of Out on a a cataract operation

wanted them

I

my

much.

so

had talked about that too

I

gone through

just

eyes and couldn't read. I

for sure a

what

in discovering

had appealed to

and Dad and

not. It all started Li?nb.

is

thinking had gone along slightly

wasn't interested simply in searching out more of

I

my

my

However,

for assessment.

on her

to hear simultaneously

what

I sat them down for three days and read it to They promised they would keep their hearing aids

had written. So

them

myself.

turned up to

maximum

and that they wouldn't argue, either with

themselves or with me, until

I

was finished.

going to dedicate the book to them so first

people to

"We

know what

I

I

explained that

wanted them

I

was

to be the

had written.

I

are the first to know.-*

asked

"

my

mother.

It

was, as

I

had surmised, important to her. "Yeah, you sure are,"

would be shocked

"Gosh, Shirl," said and

I

answered, wondering whether they

I

what

to realize

Mom,

their

daughter was into now.

is wonderful. Your daddy we know how hard this will

"this

will really concentrate because

be on your voice."

"Okay, Monkey,"

said

Daddy. "Do your

stuff.

What new

things will you say about us this time?"

He was

smiling in such a good-humored way, as though he

adored being a leading character in the influence he

all

of

my

books.

knew he had been on me, and

He cherished me state it

to have

publicly seemed to mitigate the disappointment he unfulfilled potentials of his

own

life.

he had longed to pursue, but he had curtailed his passions ("which

might have

felt

in

the

There were many adventures

own

driving

led to nothing") in order to be a

51

MacLaine

Shirley

husband, and a father to Warren and me. Yet,

good provider,

a

when he was

young

a

long before he married Mother, a

violinist,

famous teacher had plucked him out of an amateur symphony

him

orchestra in Front Royal, Virginia, and offered to take

Europe to teach him and

Dad had

decided against

might

training, he

him on

start

it,

a career as a soloist.

to

But

fearing that after long years of musical

just possibly

end up playing

in the pit of

some

Broadway show. "The competition was too rough. Monkey," he had explained to me. "And that would have been no way to make a living. It wouldn't have been dependable. Sure, I would have seen Europe, maybe been wined and dined by royalty, but if I had done it, I probably wouldn't have met and married your mother and we

wouldn't have had you and Warren. So

I

think

I

did the right

thing."

Somewhere underneath deeper reason,

but

tion,

couldn't put

I

that

story

had always sensed a

I

something much stronger than

my

finger on

it.

Obviously,

nothing to do with his career decision. Yet inevitability

when he

first

told

me

his fear of

I

had

I

felt

competi-

had had

a sense of

the story as a teenager. Indeed,

there had been an inevitability to everything he had done with his life,

at

and

Dad,

in that I

felt

I

was certainly

chosen

feeling too. It

so

it

was

as

to meet Dad and marry him. There was

intense predetermination about the

Or

Whenever

I

looked

that our relationship had been almost preordained.

Mother gave me the same had

a participant.

way they

though she a quality of

related to each other.

always seemed to me.

me

the moment when Her father had died she said good-bye to her mother in Canada. when she was a teenager. She had adored him and had done all she

Many

times Mother had described to

could to help her mother with the raising of the

rest

of the

children (two girls and one boy). Mother was the responsible one.

But she had met

a

professor of psychology

52

and education

at

Dancing

in the Light

Maryland College where she had come

name was

Owens

Ira

and

set of values,

a

And

love with him.

He was

Beaty.

warm felt

sense of

to teach dramatics.

intelligent, witty,

His

had a good

humor, and she had

fallen in

compelled to marry him.

She had brought her new love to Canada to meet her family.

His mother came with them, and to her mother,

horrified at the raucous

argument

were having while packing up the time she

first

Mother was saying good-bye new life in America, she was

as

setting off on a

felt

Ira

a flicker of fear.

and

his tyrannical

Mother

car.

told

She knew

"unhappy" childhood and she was now

me

mother

that for the

Dad had had an

some of drama he had grown up with. "Am I making a mistake.''" she remembered asking herself. "There's no telling what kind of damage that woman has visited upon her son and I will very likely inherit it." She wondered if she should make a life with someone who had a mother like that. But she said she couldn't help herself. It was something she had to do, not only because she loved him and it had already gone a chilled witness to

the

—

too

far,

of her felt

but because she also

life

felt

Dad needed

Mother was always willing

her.

Over the course

to sacrifice herself

when

she

she was needed by others. So, she stuffed herself in the car with the

marrying into and had a torturously confusing

She

felt

dynamics

new family

trip

she was

back to Virginia.

compelled to endure each mile of that journey. The

set in

motion by meeting Dad were somehow beyond

her control. She just knew what she was doing was right, even

though so much of

it

seemed questionable. Again she said she

felt

compulsion" to go through with it. She couldn't let anybody down. And then when Warren and I came along, she understood why. "this

I

sion."

have always been interested in what caused the "compul-

Of

need to

course there are

all

the psychological explanations: the

sacrifice herself, attraction to chaos, attraction to

55

another

MacLaim

Shirley

family which was volatile and sometimes violently explosive.

remember watching Dad's mother, armed with

huge metal

a

chase his father around their Front Royal house with every

skillet,

him

intention of hitting

over the head; whereas Mother's Canadian

upbringing had been controlled, placid, and preeminently

There were many complicated reasons

make

to

I

polite.

and Dad deciding

which was

their love for

always sensed there was some other subtlety to

their relationship. Let

me

was very small,

I

Mom

for

a life together, not the least of

one another. But

time

I

just say for the

moment

wondered whether

I

that from the

had

been

in fact

adopted. There was an element beyond being a daughter that

was picking up.

It

is

my me to

one of

There seemed no reason call

I

for

enduring childhood memories. have what psychologists would

"an orphan psychology." But

them and wonder who they meant by So

I

that then. sat

I

down

I

really

would often were.

do, however, think

in the

I

I I

sit

didn't

and gaze

know what

at I

know now.

sun room of our Arlington, Virginia,

home, with the creaking of the wicker

chairs interfering with their

them

the manuscript of Out on a

hearing aids, and began to read

Dad gave me his rocking chair next to the pipe rack and Mother brought me some tea with lemon in one of her china cups.

Limb.

They leaned forward with their lips.

was

We

tired. It

bright, inquiring eyes and smiles on

had agreed that

I

would read aloud slowly

M.P. and my

as

I

described

my

affair

with a married English

useless battering at his rigidly closed

search for enlightenment through spiritual questing,

about reincarnation and trance

medium

spoke to entities on the other

his

own

light,

I

took about five hours a day for three days. They sat

openmouthed

I

until

mind, the

my

curiosity

channeling sessions where

side, Peter Sellers's description of

death and his attraction to the loving glow of the white

my

trip to the

Andes where

I

talked with someone

he had met an extraterrestrial being from the Pleiades,

54

who

my

said

grow-

Dancing

ing conviction that

my own

and

of us had lived before and would live again,

all

out-of-body experience which served to validate the

many

answers to

in the Light

questions

—

the surest knowledge being derived

from experience.

At the end of the manuscript down. crying.

I

third day,

looked up

I

wondered

if

at

He choked

and Dad. They were both

they were humiliated.

"Well, Monkey," said Dad, you."

read the last page and put the

I

Mom

back more

tears

am proud

"1 certainly

and

know

to

go on. "You could Then he couldn't talk

tried to

get a Ph.D. with that manuscript," he said.

anymore. turned to Mother. "Oh, Shirl," she said, "what courage

I

that took to write. There

me

tell

fingers

is

a lot of

don't understand, but let

it I

you something." She brushed away her and straightened up

in her chair, fingering the frilly blouse

around her neck. "You know," she began, "this

Did "Not

ever

I

tell

really,"

I

you about

I

knew my

He

happened.

know. But

"I

father

time

first

father's face

when he

it?" she asked.

had been out playing tennis with

was

sick,

Why

sent for me.

went

the

is

answered. "Not in detail."

"Well," she began, friends.

my

on

that I've understood the expression died.

with her long

tears

but

I

my

wasn't prepared for what

me, and not the others,

remember being concerned

I

don't I

was

keeping the tennis game waiting. Daddy was lying in bed.

He

I

looked over at beside him.

I

to

him.

I

me when I walked in He took my hand,

did.

and beckoned and then,

only been waiting for me, he squeezed into

my

face.

understand.

much

I

my

Something was happening

remember

I

was nervous and

for

me

to sit

though he had

as

hand and looked up

to I

that

him

giggled.

that I

I

didn't

would have

preferred to have been playing tennis. I've been guilty about

that feeling ever since. His eyes took

on the most

beatific

glow.

have never seen anything like that since. Then, with his eyes open, he became almost transfigured

53

—with an

I

still

expression of such

MacLaine

Shirley

beauty

my

took

it

beautiful,

And

breath away.

Mother had

he said, 'Oh, dading,

Then he

so, so beautiful.'

it is

a faraway expression

it is

so

closed his eyes and died."

on her

remem-

face as she

bered, lost in vividly recalling the emotions of a major event in

Then she came back to the present and looked slightly confused for a moment. "Do you suppose," she asked, "that I was her

life.

my

watching

father's soul leave his

people in your book also

Was

describe.-^

Why

that the others said they saw?

Does that mean death

beautiful?

body and what he described

was the same thing that Peter

'so beautiful'

is

me

people like your daddy and

Sellers

as

and those other

he seeing that white light

would he

else

say

it

was so

nothing to be afraid of and old

should not be so anxious about

dying?"

My the

breath caught in

woman who

gave you

my

throat.

life,

when

my

blazingly open-minded? Here was

What on

earth do you say to

her honesty about death

stone, a frail eighty years old, breaking a bone every

knowing

that her days were

wondering

she would

if

wake up

touched on another dimensional

month

or so,

morning, questioning me

in the

her death.

as

anticipated such wondrously unlimited courage.

Daddy came

to

my

rescue, realizing

"Okay, Monkey," he you something I

sat

I've

back in

said strongly,

I

had

which might possibly

reality

would be no such thing

there

so

numbered, facing sleep every night

about what to expect and realizing, and acknowledging, that

mean

is

darling, self-sacrificing touch-

I

had not

I

couldn't speak.

what he was doing.

"now I'm going

to tell

never told anyone, not even your mother."

my

chair.

Both of

my

parents unceasingly

surprised me.

"Remember," he began, "when

I

had

my

car accident about

twelve, fifteen years ago?"

"Yes,"

I

answered.

"Well," he continued,

was dead

"I died that night.

to the doctors in the

I

literally died.

ambulance that came.

36

I

I

saw the

Dancing

police say another see

them from

above

my

drunk driver had bitten the dust. But

inside

my

body.

out of

remember ful

my

body and begin

the conversations

white light above me.

I

wanted

ever wanted.

then

I

to

I

saw

Then

can't describe

I

real.

go

was

It

saw them

I

my

didn't

I

body.

was not dead.

I

to soar.

heard.

I

was warm and loving and something.

knew

I

my

was outside of

I

body watching the whole scene.

bling and milling around, but rise

in the Light

I

all

scram-

felt

myself

body below me.

how

that light

and

it

was

felt.

It

God

or

more than anything

I

I've

—and

was prepared to continue toward the light

I

I

saw the most beauti-

I

real

to that light

thought about your mother and

was

I

thought about Warren.

I

knew they needed me. I knew I couldn't leave. I knew I had to come back into my body. I didn't think about you, Monkey, because I knew you didn't need me. But they did. And as soon as I

any doubt about leaving,

felt

body. Suddenly

know how

don't

my

body

long

me

the folks around

I

I

felt

myself come back into

my

heavy and broken and painful.

felt

was gone, but when

I

my

opened

were surprised. So when you

tell

I

eyes, all

me

about

out-of-body experiences and Peter Sellers and the soul being separate it

from the body,

happened

When had

just

I

know

just

what you're talking about because

me."

to

he finished. Mother was looking

met him

for the first

at

him

as

though she

time and understood everything he

was saying. "Yes," she said, didn't you

me

tell

"I

before?"

"Because," said

Daddy

want you or anyone

else to

written this,

something think, habits],

I

else,

more

Why

can understand what you're saying.

would

still

as

he

filled

think

I

have

it

up

"I

didn't

If Shirley

hadn't

his pipe,

was crazy.

locked inside of me.

And

Scotch [his nickname for Mother was related,

to her heritage than her attitude

whenever you people get upset with

57

I

toward his booze

me

because I'm

Shirley

much, what I'm

sleeping so

happened

me

to

MacLaine

doing

really

is

what

a little bit of

back then."

This was a truly amazing statement. Mother's mouth dropped

my

open, but whether or not she realized astral-traveled,

deliberately

"Well,

room.

else.

I

mess and the dust from

a

What

think you should get up earlier so

still

It's

know.

don't

I

father

flies all

it

was saying he she

I

was,

said

can clean your

over the house."

"Now, Monkey," said Daddy, "I want to tell you something You know how long I studied philosophy at Johns Hopkins

University?"

"Yep."

we had finished a week of we would all sit around and about. Why, I remember every-

"Well, every Sunday morning

what they

said

we should

discuss the things you're talking

body having

a story or

I

two about believing or experiencing these

Why,

only a fool would categorically claim they

remember

the custodian of our dormitory telling us

other dimensions. don't exist.

after

learn,

He was

about the vision he had had of the death of his son.

boy who served in World

lookin'

had

II,

and one night

a nice

his father

a vision that his son appeared at the foot of his bed. Scared the

bejesus out of

was

War

in

him because

the son was real.

And

he

knew

the son

Europe. But the son said, no, he was here saying good-bye

to his father because he

and came to

me

in the

had

just died.

middle of the night

suspected what had happened, but the old

man

precisely the

The old man jumped up

I

to tell

me

couldn't be sure.

A

about

week

it.

got the telegram saying that his son had died

same time that he had appeared

I

later at

at the foot of the

bed."

"So what do you think of

having anticipated that about this

all

this.

my parents would

Daddy.-*"

I

asked, never

be people

I

could talk to

stuff.

"Well," he our relationship,

said, loving the introduction of "I

think

we should 58

stay

metaphysics into

open-minded about

Dancing

everything there

make

it

Socrates,

know

is

until

to discuss.

or your Freud and

we

unless

Jung

be blazing a

trail here,

to

mean, read your Plato, or

I

How

for that matter.

do we

Of course, we can't explain it in presently who knows how those terms will change?

explore?

acceptable terms, but

Nobody

You may

to learn.

more acceptable

in the Light

believed there were microbes crawling around on the skin

someone came up with the microscope.

We

are each our

own

microscope." I

got up and stretched and went to look out the familiar

sun-room window. Had truth in both

my

sensed this capacity for metaphysical

I

parents while growing up?

Were

they the reason

now found such speculations easy and thrilling to comprehend? Had Ira and Kathlyn Beaty been silently instrumental in the forming of this bent of mind I now had? I knew I had responded more to their feelings than to their words during the years we had I

lived together to

me

—emotional

truth being

more

vivid and influential

than intellectual truth. But never, not once, had

sciously speculated that they possibilities

I

was.

I

thought

Mother watched me

"You know, "Yes,"

I

Shirl,

said.

You were

con-

might be thinking about the same /

was the only one.

at the

window.

remember your old Bible?"

"Why?"

"Well," she answered, "you were always reading

Immg

I

your favorite verses.

I

have

it

here, if

and under-

it

you want

have been interested in this spiritual side of

life

to see

it.

since you

a little girl."

"Really?"

I

asked, not remembering.

"Yes, you were never that stuff.

much on religion or church or any of know what was underneath what they

You wanted to You really liked

were teaching.

you used to

call

"I did?"

I

him

reading about Christ.

a spiritual revolutionary."

asked.

59

I

remember

Shirley

MacLatne

"Sure," she answered proudly. "Your friends were going to

church and you were reading books about religion.

You know,

both you and Warren could read before you ever went to school.

Your daddy and able to do

I

read to you every night until you began to be

yourselves.

it

You were

insatiably curious.

Your minds

were always clicking over." Yes,

I

remembered the books, and the discussions

and Dad shared with

I

self-reflection

remembered the many

so that

myself in the company of the birds and

would

say,

he's doing.

under

young

interlude in a

"Shirl, stop

You

I

could

for

commune with

and rushing water.

trees

young teenage love

affair,

she

worrying about your boyfriend and what

should be out in the wind and the rain.

and then wonder and think about

a tree

and reverence

times she would suggest a long

walk by the stream near our house

During an unhappy

Mom

us.

Mother always encouraged nature.

that

yourself.

Go

stand

You're too

to be so intensely involved with 'going steady.' There's a

magical world of nature out there that you're missing. You'll

know more about yourself if you allow nature to be your teacher." And Dad, as a teacher himself, regarded education as a dedication.

freedom.

He

To

believed knowledge was power.

help inspire a young

been the cornerstone of

his

life.

mind

He

Knowledge was

to search for truth

had

not only lived up to that

dedication in his chosen profession as a teacher and principal and

superintendent of schools in Virginia, but he brought that dedication into the

would

home. There was no question

I

could ask that he

casually brush away.

Daddy

lit

his

pipe and crossed one leg over the other as

though he were about

"Monkey," he

to launch into a lecture.

said,

"do you know the definition of the words

'education' or 'educate'.-^"

"No,"

I

said, "I've never

thought about

40

it."

Dancing

in the Light

"Well, they come from the Latin words Educar,

to lead.

What

within.

"I don't

to lead out of,

out

ed,

and ducar,

of,

which

or to bring out that

mean to you.''" know. Maybe it means to

is

does that

lead out of yourself the

knowledge you already know."

He

smiled gently. "Yes,

we

it

could.

But what do you

mean.''"

we just leave the body like we do continually come back or reincarnate into new bodies, then we must have done that many times. If we have done that many times, then we each must have tremendous knowledge and experience from lives we've led before. So maybe "Well,

if

you did, and then

really never die, if if

the ancients realized that education was just helping people get in

touch with what they already knew.

know

already

everything.

And maybe

that

Isn't

our higher selves

what Plato and Socrates

believed?"

Daddy thought could put

it

moment. "Yes," he

a

"I

think you

know that other civilizaMaybe he was having an imaginary

that way. Plato professed to

tions such as Atlantis existed.

vision or

said,

maybe he was speaking from former knowledge of

times. I'm not sure what the difference

is.

those

Possibly imagination

is

simply a form of memory. Most of our great thinkers have pro-

had an intuition or guidance that they couldn't

fessed to have

describe,

something they ultimately called

higher recognition of truth inspired faith. is

not

which

is

in us

I

whom

As Carlyle put

WE.' Or

which

and

had never heard I

I

as

it,

required

a force or a

me

of

said, the 'not ourselves'

my

father talk like this.

Was

a prejudiced bigot

on calling black people

to tears?

41

this the

when

"niggers".''

believed had rotted his brains with booze so

reduced

or a

leap

SOMEWHAT

'The unfathomable

Matthew Arnold

God

quantum

around us."

had mentally dubbed

versely, insisted

man

all

that

man

he, per-

Was this the much that he

Shirley

"Art

same thing,"

the

is

great art comes from? are

Who

MacLaine

said

"Who knows

Mother.

knows what

where

inspiration and talent

>"

"What do you "I think," she

"And what

"What on

curiosity I

when he was

not

you getting

are

my

words

know

"Well,"

carefully.

I

I

wanted to convey what

even though

that could define

what

began, "since so

many new

I

realized there

I

I'm wondering whether they

is

goes on and on. That bodies

itself in

and

eternal

in

are,

I'm wondering

infinite.

were

ideas are surfacing fact, if all

'real'

mankind, meaning that they understood

man

was

I

felt.

masters weren't actually more in touch with the

energy of

He

Monkey?" he asked with genuine

at,

instead are really rather ancient.

tion of

there."

it's

something.

vitally interested in

as succinctly as possible

many words

these days,

I

his face.

chose

thinking

asked.

I

with a commanding hurrumphhh.

cleared his throat

always did that

asked.

I

answered, "that everything comes from God."

God, then?"

know," she answered. "But

"I don't

Daddy

is

think they are, Mother?"

new,

or

the old

spiritualiza-

that

the soul

That they knew that the soul

never dies and in fact cyclically reem-

it

order to learn and

grow while

alive in the

body on

the earth plane."

"You're talking about reincarnation, then," said Dad. "Yes, and

if

the soul

the repositor of

is

knowledge and experience, then education drawing out what

Dad

flicked

it

is

all

its

accumulated

only the process of

already knows."

some

lint

from

his

shoulder,

a

ploy to give

himself time to consider a point.

"Well," he

said, "I

understand that nothing ever

school chemistry proves that.

dies.

High

Matter only changes form. So

I

could even go along with your belief that the body becomes the

A2

Dancing

eternal soul after death, but

I

in the Light

know

don't

if I

can go along with

reincarnation."

"But Dad," as a child,

I

wanted

I

said, feeling

my

voice rise as

to get a point across to

had whenever,

it

him, "you actually had

the experience that your soul was separate from your body.

How

can you say the body becomes the soul?"

"What do you mean?" "Well, that death

you have already experienced death, then you know

if is

only the experience of the soul leaving the body,

right?"

"Right."

"Then little bit

if

the soul

is

separate from the body,

further and contemplate

Or

out of the body for a while.

why

what the soul does if there's

not stretch a

after it's

been

no old body to go back

to."

"Well, Monkey, the way

I

about that white light that

felt

saw, I'm not sure I'd ever want to leave

"Oh," light

it

to

come back again."

understanding that his version of the white

said,

I

I

was so glorious, there would be no future necessary

after

that.

"So, you'd just

hang around up there basking

in the

glow

forever?" "I

think

so, yes."

worry about the dust

"Oh, said, "if

in

He

laughed. "I certainly wouldn't have to

my

room, would I?"

be serious now," Mother chimed

Ira,

you believe that we have

your father and "Yes,"

I

I

in.

"Shirl," she

lived before, then

all

you and

have lived before too?"

answered, "that's what

our family, and every family

I

believe.

for that matter,

is

And a

I

think that

group of souls

we have been through many incarthink we choose to be together, to work out our

very closely connected because nations together.

drama.

We

I

choose our parents, and

43

I

think the parents choose the

Shirley

they want

children

MacLaine

have before they ever come into an

to

incarnation."

"You do?" ing, at the

mean you

said

Mother, astonished

at the

thought and reahz-

same time, the implications of what

"You

I'd said.

believe you chose to have your father and

me

as

your

parents?"

"Yes,"

I

answered, "and

I

believe that

we

all

agreed to be a

part of this family unit before any of us were born. That's feel

why

knew as soon as you met him that you had already agreed have Warren and me for children with him." "Oh, my goodness," exclaimed Mother. "You believe all

to

self

this

I

your marrying Daddy seemed inevitable to you. Your higher

was preordained?

of

"

"Yes, and not by God, but by each of us."

"Oh my. you want

I

have to

a glass of

"Look

at

fix

myself a drink," said Mother.

"Ira,

do

Daddy. "The boss won't even

let

me

milk?"

that," said

share in a drink with her after

we planned our

lives

together from

the astral plane." I

laughed and thought of

all

the incarnations they

must have

were ever two people who were joined

at

the hip, acting as catalysts for one another's learning process,

it

had together. was

my

If there

mother and

father.

They had

a

kind of George and Martha

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf relationship. They couldn't

live

happily with each other, and they couldn't live happily without

From my very first memories, I felt there was a profound experiential drama going on between the two of them. They could push each other's buttons more effectively than anyone each other.

I

had ever witnessed. But then they were

So of course

I

would be

mother and

father.

affected as intensely as all children are

their parents. Surely the reverse, a total lack of

my

it)

human is

by

drama with our parents (or the

the most influential element in our

44

Dancing

in the Light

The drama within the family unit had to be the underpinning for the way we regarded life in the world from then on. lives?

Yet,

the purpose of

if

was to experience, the better

life

to

appreciate the growth and understanding of the soul, then every-

one we met, to a greater or

To

lesser extent,

was

a

means

to that end.

realize oneself fully meant the necessity of experiencing

possibilities available to the

The

human

all

the

condition.

lessons in living which triggered our most profound

reactions dealt with our feelings toward authority, loss of control, material comfort, survival,

helplessness,

manipulation of

fear,

toward possessions, attraction to

restriction of freedom, attitudes

the opposite sex, attraction to the same sex, closeness of living, passion, violence, and love.

What

than within the

better place to learn those lessons

constellation was

The family

family

unit.^

overall

human

family.

Work

a

microcosm of the

out the problems within the family

and you might very well have the capability, training, conditioning,

and tolerance Families are

work out problems on

to

all

a global level.

about karma.

Therefore, one's karmic requirements began at birth within

Within the family environ-

the association of parents and siblings.

ment was every human

conflict that could ultimately lead to a

willingness, or a nonwillingness, to

and toward, violence and as attitudes

hostility are

how

chose to help us with

life's

effective than in the

child chose to

The

make

it

one knows better than in each

lessons.

body of

a direct result of

us up" to

know

Nowhere could

ourselves

a teacher be

a parent. If the parent

and the

so.

reverse

was true

we

them

ask

in the family. Just

and doubt are

who "brought

family attitudes. Those

No

attitudes of,

to set off the trigger points

other. Feelings of suspicion, fear,

children as

spawned

of love and compassion are.

parents and children

more

wage war. Most

also.

Don't we learn

to learn

from us?

4^

as

much from

our

Shirley

Ideally, parents

MacLaine

and children could help each other with their

What we would do

self-realization.

then, out in the world,

be an extension of that realization.

In actuality,

would

too often the

pattern gets skewed or dulled, so that growth and the ability to

cope with one's

and the world don't develop.

self

Mother brought two wet martinis and

a glass of

milk from

the kitchen.

know

"I

he'll

"So he can put I

go sneak some Scotch anyway." She shrugged. milk."

in the

it

took a sip of the martini and watched

would

a

my mom

good situation comedy. More and more

I

and dad

as

I

saw them from

when I was growing up, the intense the home had had several effects on me.

the karmic perspective, but

emotional environment in First,

I

was the amused, sometimes astonished and confused,

human

child witness to their dramatic and theatrical

Often

I

meaning of the outcome, but their

interplay.

didn't understand the intricacies of their scenes, or the

emotional

I

learned on a subtle level to read

and their detailed

tones

shifts

in

mood and

expression.

Unconsciously,

was receiving an exquisite education

I

in

the nuances of manipulation.

Therefore life,

I

believe

it

was inevitable that

would,

I

later

on

put this understanding and knowledge to work in an

in art

called performing.

Second, the spectrum of expression that

home, both myself.

My

positive

intensely that

expression.

and negative, inspired

parents were locked in their

Warren and

Mine,

at

a

I

own

me

I

saw exhibited

to

want

own

was dancing

escalated later into the expression of acting and writing.

46

to express

battles of interplay so

needed to seek out our

very early age,

at

turf for

class

but

Dancing

So the development of ratio to the

my

emotional need

in the Light

discipline in early felt

I

pline" was not difficult for me.

was

My

On

it

the contrary,

my

"disci-

my

was

parents were clearly

of our household, co-starring with each other, Warren

the stars

were the supporting players constantly working

I

in direct

to express myself.

support system for being heard: because

and

life

chance

for a

to star ourselves. Considering the refined, high-level art of manip-

my

ulation exhibited by ble that

Warren and

would

I

confidently apply what profession

made

necessary as

parents with one another,

it

was inevita-

go into a business where

we had

learned.

And

to order for us.

Show

we could was

business

became

self-expression

a as

air.

wasn't that they didn't allow us to express ourselves in the

It

home. Not

at all.

was more that the

It

overpowered our capacity

as children

level of their expression

They

to express ourselves.

were our teachers by example and inspired us by triggering our sense of survival.

We

were forced to step into the spotlight

we were

assure ourselves that

real.

And

nized were lovingly acknowledged and supported ever

Mom

and Dad took

a little

just to

our desires to be recog-

—

that

time off from their

is,

own

when-

starring

drama.

As

I

said before,

I

believe

now

that

preordained by the four players involved.

more than anything "Well,

thmk

I

I

had explored

really like

in a

all

of

And

was karmically

it

that interested

me

long time.

your book. Monkey," said Dad.

the metaphysical stuff will be any problem. But

"I don't I

do

see

another problem." "Oh.>"

"The ried, isn't

asked.

I

"What

is

it?"

love affair with that British politician. He's

still

mar-

he?"

"Yes, but he's had several other

"Well,

I

affairs since

me."

think the people are going to want to

that, because after all, his wife

is still

47

around."

know about

Shirley

"You

really think that will cause

"Well,

it's

an uproar?"

asked.

I

something to think about. By the way, who

Daddy asked with

Gerry.^"

MacLaine

a

is

mischievous gleam in his eye.

"Margaret Thatcher."

Daddy's stomach undulated

We

he laughed.

as

how and why

talked long into the evening about

written the book. Karmic overload came around midnight.

went "Ira,

to bed. I

As

I

was

falling asleep,

I

I

had

We

all

heard Mother say to Dad,

wish you had heard what Shirley was talking about."

Daddy seemed astonished. "What are you talking because you don't want

me

Leaving them to their

Dad had been

about,

own karma,

you

asleep,

fell

I

the book was published

Thatcher called an election journalist based in

have some fun,

in Britain.

New York

City read

I

can't hear

wondering

if

America, Margaret

in

An

enterprising English

saw an opportunity

it,

to

and spiced up an otherwise dull election by

sending his editors in London the I

It's

right about the "Gerry" relationship.

The week

love affair

Scotch.-*

to."

had had with

juiciest chapters relating to the

a Socialist

M.P. who wore

a newsprint-

stained trench coat and socks with holes in the heels, and had lost

The story hit the front pages of every London and the campaigning English politicians

the tip of one finger.

newspaper

in

were called upon to hold up their

five fingers

shoes, the implication being that

they did qualify as

lover, they'd get votes, not lose

if

and remove their

my

British

them.

Gallant M.P.'s claimed sadly they didn't qualify, but wished they had. said he

One

said he'd

was happy

must have been

it

chop

off a finger if

it

would

help.

Another

was only the finger missing. Another said

a Tory, not a Socialist,

and

his

because that was clearly what he was missing.

48

it

name was Marble

Dancing

When members Dallas,

about

I

my

in the Light

of the London press tracked

me down

in

countered by regretting that Fleet Street cared more

"in-body" experience than

my

"out-of-body" experi-

ences, but that they could rest assured the gentleman's real identity

would go with me

to the grave

—

unless

I

decided to incarnate

very soon again to help elevate a future British election.

Dad, nail

in his old-fashioned

country-boy wisdom, had hit the

on the head more accurately than he

49

realized.

Ck wtcr^

S.

achi and Dennis and

were busy dressing I

for

my show

wlien

I

Sandy

got back from Bantam. As

walked into the living room, Simo stopped me.

mom

"Your problem.

called,"

he said.

She didn't want

birthday, but

I

me

"I

say

to

think there might be a

anything

to

your

spoil

think you should know."

"What kind of "What happened.'*"

problem.''"

I

asked with a twinge of

fear.

just

came from the doctor," he answered

tried to stay calm. It

was one of those moments you have

"I don't

know. She

haltingly. I

thought about, and expect, but are never ready I

reached

"Mother.'*"

going on?

day."*

I

for

the

phone and

dialed.

for.

Mother answered.

could hear myself pleading for good news. "What's

How

are you.-*"

"Happy birthday, darling," she said. "Are you having You know I sent your present to Malibu." 51

a nice

Shirley

Mom.

"Yes,

know,"

I

MacLaine

"Thank you.

said.

I

lavender color, and the fabric of the sweater I

the

really soft."

waited.

"Well,

with

is

loved

I

began. "I don't want to upset you

listen, darling," she

you have on your mind, but

all

He

doctor's office.

did an

EKG

on me.

X

They did an

and found a

ray

the heart. So the doctor the clot.

dissolve

is

on

clot

me

putting

want

don't

I

thought

I

EKG my

routine, but in the middle of the

my

the

would be

it

heart started to go.

lung moving toward

into the hospital to try to

mince

to

home from

got

just

I

my

words,

but

it's

serious."

Actually she had never

made

drama over her health and

a

aches and pains, even while steadily, in old age, pursuing a course

of broken bones.

wanted I

I

to prepare

could

me

know what

didn't

feel

the honest concern in her voice; she

for the worst.

to say.

"Well, what does the doctor

"He

just says

I'm leaving in so

I

could

tell

"What

five

watch.

you myself what

it's all

born

—

I

mean, when did the machine

she thought a

moment

—

left,

asked,

not

about."

time did the heart trouble happen.'*" "I

I

"I

remember

I

register the

looked at

my

was a few minutes before four, about one and a half

It

hours ago.

Then

asked lamely.

have to go to the hospital immediately. So

I

problem?"

"Oh"

I

minutes. I'm glad you called back before

knowing why.

really

think.''"

Why?" I

realized

why

"Because,

Mom,

fifty years

ago,"

I

that I

had asked.

happened

at exactly the

moment

I

was

said.

She thought a moment. "Oh, I'm not surprised," she said casually.

"I've

always

You've done what

I

known

I've

lived

my

life

through you.

always wanted to do, so that makes sense to

me."

32

Dancing

myself gasp slightly over the implications of what she

felt

I

said.

didn't want to ask

I

in the Light

to die, but

"Now

I

she was feeling

if

was, therefore, time

it

could sense she was considering

ever will be, will be. I've led a wonderful

it.

commandingly, "what-

listen, darling," she said rather

and

life

time,

if it's

it's

know how much I love you, and do real well time. I tonight on the stage. You just remember I've been working hard on my broken shoulder so that I can come up to New York and see you before you close. And I mean to do that. So don't you worry." want you

My

to

throat ached so painfully that

my

"Oh,

goodness,"

I

couldn't breathe.

finally said. "Is

I

Daddy taking you

to

the hospital?"

Your daddy

"Yes.

me

She gave

number,

And

could apply

I

all

If

said, "Darling, don't let this interfere

it's

my

supposed to."

karmic understandings with no trouble

but now I The impending death of

was getting the test of

in the abstract,

personally.

telephone number, room

I'm supposed to go, that's just what'Il happen.

be because

that'll

going to take me."

Then she

et cetera.

with your work.

is

the hospital name,

my

at

beliefs

the mother you love couldn't

be more specific.

Again,

I

found

it

hard to reassure her because of

couldn't find any appropriate words.

pain.

I

"Oh,

it'll

be

all

right," because she was

I

my own

didn't want to say,

beyond that kind of

social

inanity. "I love you, darling," she said,

always have. So say a "I love you.

little

Mother.

I

loved her so

I

can say.

I

said,

And

I

prayer for me." love you so

I

breaking to a hoarse squeak

had said

"more than

as

many

I

much,"

my

voice

held back the tears and wished

more times than

I

I

had.

"So do a good show tonight and we'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay,"

I

said.

33

Shirley

She gently hung up and receiver resting on I

felt

said,

lap.

I

began

collapsed in the chair with the

I

wasn't even aware

to sob.

"Grandmother had a kind of heart attack or something," I crying. "I mean, there is a blood clot on her lung, really going into the hospital."

Sachi's face crumbled. She

had not spent much time with her

grandparents, and had been feeling for lost

if

lately that she

wanted

to

make

I

could

time before they got too old.

She put her arms around feel

hung up.

she asked. "What's wrong?"

close to her heart. She's

up

hadn't

I

room behind me.

Sachi walk into the

"Mom?" I

my

MacLatne

me and

felt

me

apart.

fall

her identify with the situation, wondering what she would do

she had gotten the same news about me.

"What do you

think.

Mom?"

she asked.

"What do you

sense?" I

blew

my

nose and thought about

it.

her to go now. There was something about

way

will be, will be.' She's never talked that I

got up and paced the

happening with objectivity.

The

years. for

last five

floor.

I

for

she said 'whatever

before."

tried to

My mom

might be time

"It

how

approach what was

had lived

for over

eighty

had not been easy. She had had an operation

an aneurysm, a broken pelvis, two cataract operations, a hip

transplant, a broken arm, and she was diabetic.

commented

that

Mother appeared

to be

We

had

doing herself

all

openly

in.

Either

that or she was testing herself for a hundred-year run. This was

only the latest

crisis in

her struggle to overcome.

calmed down and breathed deeply. "You know, it's funny, Sach," I said.

I

much with

her health for the

last

"She's been through so

three or five years that

it

became

almost abstract to me. She never complains, yet she keeps doing these things to herself. I'm beginning to feel the impact of she's trying to tell us very strongly

H

now."

what

Dancing

"You mean, you think but

"Yes,

she's saying she

wants to go?"

think she's conflicted about

I

my

about leaving

Light

in the

it,

worried

she's

dad behind. She always says she hopes he goes

because he'd never be able to get along without her."

first

Sachi blinked quickly.

"But wouldn't Granddaddy go right away?" she asked. "Sure,

matter of

think

I

fact,

so.

And

I

a

waiting for her to go, so

get the feeling he's just

I

As

don't feel he's afraid of that.

he can go back to the white light with a clear conscience!" Sachi laughed.

I

had told her about Dad's out-of-body experi-

ence and she understood. I

blew

my

"Mom,

nose again.

you'd better get dressed or you'll be late," she said.

"Will you be able

to

work tonight?"

Sachi possessed a combination of sensitivity and practicality at

moments

of

crisis.

remembered how she had passed her

I

stewardess examination for Qantas Airways with a top score.

What

put her over the top were her reactions to the simulated crashlanding

collected. I

me from

A

I

doing

a

now.

how my body

felt.

would keep

show when the audience expected me

to be there.

I

knowing

said,

kind of inbred professional ethic always prevented

myself that way. Vienna, when

I

I

It

was

literally

I

my

was on tour

ankle on

New

shouldn't even walk on

two months.

It

impossible for

remembered the night in

the end of the second show,

sprained

me

a bit of that

stayed calm and

that nothing

can work,"

canceling a show.

By

me

She was showing

did a deep knee bend to see

"Sure,

who

She had been the only one

test.

I

years

my

temperature was normal.

for three

was purple-black. But

old,

I

to indulge in

Europe, with a 106-degree fever.

weeks, nor dance on I

went on anyway

When

had

I

The doctor

never missed a show for the rest of the engagement. sixteen

from

had done two shows

Year's Eve in Vegas. it

me

me

told it

for

—and I

was

had broken the same ankle and danced

53

a

Shirley

MacLaine

complete ballet on point rather than miss a show. wouldn't be able to

But

guess.

live

with myself

obligations.

professional

really,

I

displease anyone.

think

up

couldn't live

I

think

I

mother's daughter,

didn't all

really

understood her sincerity in not wanting to upset me.

come

to

came

to

So

I

had

I

understand that conducting myself according to what

might think was not

others

I

want

right.

I

my

to

gypsy-dancing training,

was more that

it

my

was

I

if

my

was

It

I

a trait to be admired, but

when

it

with the expectation of seeing me,

to an audience waiting

some kind of workhorse professionalism took over.

/

would

be

there.

"Mom,"

said Sachi, "don't

you think you'd be more comfort-

able wearing slacks tonight?" 1

wondered what she meant. "No,"

changing. should

I

said, "I don't feel like

this knit suit. It's okay. Besides,

why

wear slacks to our dinner afterward?"

"Oh, I

keep on

just

I'll

I

didn't

know what

Simo came

"Why

know," she

don't

I

said vaguely.

that was

about.

all

tapping his watch.

in

don't you put on

some

we can

slacks so

get going?" he

said casually.

"Why "No

does everybody want

me

wear slacks?"

to

reason," he said. "Just thought with

I

all that's

said.

going on,

you'd be more comfortable." I

brushed

it

all

aside, picked

Sandy and Dennis, and we

all

up

my

pocketbook, yelled

for

piled into the limo to go to the

theater.

The crosstown delay, thoughts of

memories.

What

it

How

I

would be

traffic

my

mother crowded

would like

was congested. With each red light and

feel

when

I

my

mind. Sad childhood

could never touch her again.

walking into the house without seeing her

rush toward me, her long arms outstretched.

36

I

pushed the thoughts

Dancing

away.

had a show to do. But

I

realized

in the Light

as

we

pulled up to the stage door,

I

was quietly crying.

I

Crowds of people milled around the stage-door entrance.

Many more

than usual.

"What's going "Well,

it's

on.^"

asked.

I

your birthday," said Simo.

"Yeah, but why

this?"

all

asked.

I

looked into the crowd more carefully.

I

saw three television

I

camera crews. understand,"

"I don't

"Well,

do with

I

"I'm not Queen Elizabeth."

said.

I

hope not," said Simo. "She wouldn't know what to

this."

"With what?" I asked, really becoming curious now. My company manager, Michael Flowers, flanked by two

me

policemen, guided

was used

for loading

"Why And applaud.

are

over to the huge stage-door elevator that

equipment into the

me

you taking

turned to them.

I

me

Towering over

didn't

I

was

asked.

I

know why

they were applauding.

turned around.

I

a

huge Indian elephant with her

from Ringling Brothers Circus beside

Lee Guber, the promoter for

"You

way?"

with that, the elevator door opened. The crowd began to

Someone pointed behind me. trainer

this

theater.

my

show

her.

at the

Gershwin,

said,

you had never done was ride an elephant.

said the one thing

Well, happy birthday! Here's your chance." I

quickly wiped

scene, and

cluded that life

I

I

took a deep breath, entered the

know

right.

The night

was interviewed by Joel

had done

just

and he wondered

he didn't

eyes,

we were "on." Lee was

Academy Award,

my

my

about.

It

if

I

Siegel.

had won the

He had

con-

about everything there was to do in there was anything

I

hadn't done that

didn't take me long. "Oh,"

never ridden an elephant."

57

I

said, "I've

MacLaine

Shirley

So,

who

here she was, along with several hundred people

were now going to watch

"What's her name?"

me do I

it.

asked the trainer.

"Tananya," he said tenderly,

though she were

as

his

lumber-

ing daughter.

looked up into the huge pachyderm's eyes. She blinked like

I

the shutter of a low-speed camera.

seemed kind.

I

liked her immediately. She

I

had always loved elephants.

knacks, brought back from India,

all

had elephant knick-

I

my

over

apartment.

Tananya nuzzled me with her trunk and moved position. She clearly had the idea she was going to pick

The crowd

roared.

she scooped

me up

Then, before in her

of Fifty-first Street to see.

new performing

partner.

realized

I

me into me up.

what was happening,

powerful trunk and held

me

aloft for all

The people applauded. Tananya had

me

She gently returned

to

a

earth and

knelt down.

On my think

I

isolate

toes

I

reached for the flap of her ear and lifted

have met you before,"

which lifetime

grandmother.

And

if

it

was.

It

I

me

I

"I

can't

was either you or your great-great-

you guys have the memories everybody says

you do, maybe you can remember when She nuzzled

"But

said into her ear.

it.

it

again with her trunk.

was."

The

television cameras

ground away. "Well," said the

"How

trainer.

about

a ride? That's

what

we're here for."

With

that,

Tananya knelt lower and

Simo had wanted me to wear slacks. Well, I picked up my knit skirt,

I

realized

grateful that

why I

Sachi and

was wearing

thick black panty hose, grabbed one of her ears gently, stepped as lightly as possible

on the crook

in her

right leg over her massive head.

I

scrambled

I

the rest

of

me

The crowd adored

my

to the it

and

could think of was the Carmen Miranda shot that the

TV

top just as Tananya lurched to her all

bent knee, and whipped

58

feet.

Dancing

in the Light

cameras must have gotten. (There was a famous shot taken during the

War

Second World

of

Carmen Miranda out dancing one

evening. She had evidently forgotten her underwear and the camera proved

it.

shot, posted

was

to break into a fast,

movement

the same rapid this

that that

on their lockers, was what brought them back

Tananya proceeded

what

who claimed

There were legions of soldiers

about

all

me hanging on

head-bobbing shuffle

—

—and headed down

my

to

they use on stage

birthday

she

knew damn

was worth. Several

I

Russian cab drivers couldn't believe what they were seeing.

no other reason, oppression of

York

had been

it

the road.

I

were a

I

We

made

hit.

New

it all,

Tananya again,

it

finally

and then

I

if

making

I

a

came

her other mistresses wore in the crotch.

this

I

had a

on Entertainment Tonight from

triumphant

halt.

saw the reason why ... for

me

with candles

a lit

for

Mother's recovery

up half the birthday cake swoop.

I

me

as fast as

I

down

She knelt

huge chocolate and the crowd

jumped from her back and blew out the wish

flash

this.

to a

enough. Tananya nuzzled

fell

why

anything would convince her that she had

would be

birthday cake waited singing.

could have taken our act on

which were beaded

Mother would be watching

lived to see

We

several rounds of Fifty-first Street.

her hospital bed, and

one

for

try the bizarre expression of

definitely understood

leotards, especially leotards

fast

good move

If for

them to renounce the

City.

Tananya and

that

a

communism and

well

with

Fifty-first Street

for all

life

alive.)'

could.

candles, It

wasn't

out of the way, neatly scooped

in her trunk,

and did away with

it

in

doubled over laughing.

Someone handed me

a knife.

I

trimmed away the unevenness

of her trunk-scoop and passed out the rest of the cake to the

crowd. Sachi was hugging herself with glee as the stage door.

59

we disappeared

into

MacLaine

Shirley

There was only half an hour

But

up.

important than being prepared. but

learn,

I

make up and warm

to

When

had been a painful lesson to

It

was much happier with the knowledge that living

moment was

the

me

left for

had long since learned that having fun was more

I

in

everything.

walked out onto the stage, the audience yelled

I

"Happy birthday," and when

the ovation stopped,

them

told

I

what had happened with the elephant. Some of them had been on the street and were

eating the cake. Others,

still

who

never hung

One man

out around stage doors, realized what they had missed.

wondering why we hadn't brought the

yelled from the audience

elephant on stage.

I

said if he could have seen

would

the freight elevator, he

realize that

what happened

in

wouldn't have been

I

able to dance on the stage for a week.

did the show and had the time of

I

over,

I

sat

my "We saw

said.

He

Mom, Daddy?"

hesitated a

I

moment.

"Oh,

see

yes.

me on

as

think.

I

see.

I

think

now."

Daddy?"

He was

really talking

am. But since

my

I

If she goes,

celebration joy receded.

It

feel I

about

won't be

was such

this. far

I'm pre-

behind."

a contrast in

two

about the Big Moment.

think maybe your mother

me. I'm

laughing and

spirited.

the elephant?"

pared for whatever happens.

"I

was

You had

television.

know. We'll

"I don't

"Well, Monkey, you know how

realities.

it

She had a big time watching you too."

"What do you

The

When

asked.

she's all right tonight. She's asleep

"Did she

you on

He was

yourself a big time, didn't you?"

"How's

life.

dressing room and called Dad.

happily exhausted in

"Hi, Monkey," he

my

not as prepared for the hereafter

is

experience

I

told

you about,

it's

fine

with

just waiting for her."

"Would

it

be okay with you

believing that such a question had

60

if

she died?"

I

come out of me.

asked, hardly

Dancing

"Oh, sure," he

in the Light

"We

said.

have to go and

all

it's

certainly

getting to be that time for both of us. I'm not afraid for her. She's

worried about me, but she shouldn't be. I'd be free to go, too,

go ahead and do

she'd just

began to

I

tell

if

it."

him something

I

had wanted to say for a long

time.

"You know. Daddy, that when you both go we'll be spend much more time together than we do now." "Oh, yes. Monkey. I know that."

able to

His agreement surprised me.

mean,"

"I

become

went on, "that when you leave the body and

just a soul again,

"Yes, "I

I

now.

is

When

body, you can talk to

understand

really

how

"Oh, yes," he

damn

you're there.

know."

I

mean, there won't be

like there

"

know

will always

I

all

the time and

that stuff

fool contraptions in

my

hear

"Very it is

I

won't have to wear these

ears to hear

why

you

either.

I

Oh God,

like

this

I

when

asked.

"Especially

when you know

she goes, don't think you have to hang on to staying

if

Warren and me."

heard him breathe an audible sigh of

asked, "if it

know what

I

I'm not afraid."

live in, right?"

difficult," he answered.

alive just for

too,

I

to be out of one."

"So,

I

because

near.''

"Bodies are difficult to

how

it,

works now."

know. And

That's

I'll

wondered, did other fathers and daughters talk death was

and countries

you're on the other side and out of your

me

said, "I

you're talking about.

this separation of cities

I

sure

could only believe that your brother

would be

"Weil,"

I

easier

"Monkey?" he

relief.

feels this

way,

on your mother and me." boy too. You go ahead. Then you can

said, barely able to talk, "he's a big

—

don't have to worry. If you want to go

help both of us from the other side.

61

Maybe

you'll be

one of those

MacLaine

Shirley

Spiritual guides

You

talk to.

I

Why

on, you know.

should

know more than you

always did

it

stop

let

now?"

"That's right," he answered, needing to say nothing more.

"Right."

"And you and Warren can tickets. All you'll

You

have to do

money on plane

save a lot of

close your eyes

is

and we'll be

there.

can do your work anywhere in the world and we'll be able to

you and

talk to

we

than this because I

how

see

you're doing.

It

would be much better

don't see enough of you now."

couldn't stand

anymore.

it

"Okay, Daddy,"

said,

I

feeling

my

raspy squeak. "I think I'd better go now.

voice pinch into that

I'll

call

you when

I

wake

up."

"Okay, Monkey," he

pachyderm take

a

dump

"In the elevator,"

on the

I

"Thank you.

said.

me, did that

street or in that elevator?"

answered. "She was trained to be polite

me."

in public, just like

"Yes," he said, "you always were right

much

you glad you wore those black stockings?"

maddeningly teasing laugh of

Mother

Tell

his,

the

of a lady.

He

laugh

Were

laughed that

that

also

drove

crazy.

"Yes,

I

was glad,"

the world like that,

"Yeah,

I

it

I

said to

him, "but when you're on top of

really doesn't

matter what you have on."

reckon you were always a child of nature, weren't

you?" "Bye, Daddy. "I love

We

you

hung

love you."

I

Monkey. Happy birthday."

too.

up.

I

dressed for a birthday dinner, but

restaurants were closed. delicatessen food,

done

in

A

which Sachi arranged

deliciously, but

by the implications of the day's events that

and went to bed.

It

was

all

the

group of us ended up bringing home

all

I

I

was so

eased upstairs

very well to be metaphysical in the

abstract, but the personalization of the earth-plane reality

62

when

it

Dancing

came

to

my mom

it

I

me

and dad got

exhausted and, above

down,

in the Light

all

things,

I

had time to be grateful

where

I

lived.

needed sleep. Before

for

my

wouldn't happen again. This time.

63

right

fiftieth

I

I

was

shuttered

birthday and glad

Ck ivtcr^

T

Xwo wo

into the hospital,

I

days after Mother went

took the Eastern shuttle and went to Virginia

had gone the day before on her way back to California. Neither Mom nor Dad wanted me to do anything that would jeopardize my time or health. "Wait until your day off," to visit her. Sachi

Dad had As

said. I

But that was

week away.

felt

I

I

walked into Mother's hospital room,

remarkably high

become

a

spirits.

couldn't. I

found her

me

a familiar sight to

over the

last

few years.

couldn't

I

help feeling that she was desperately trying to convey that

become too trying

for her.

Yet she was always

doctors and nurses and seemed attention.

She cared

to flourish

much more about

life

said to a

a favorite of the

the

well-being

waiting at home,

"I'll

be

young blond nurse who had fine.

I

6^

had

and bloom with their of the

hard-working hospital attendants than she did about herself.

go on now," she

in

Seeing her lying helplessly in bed had

a

"You

husband

can take care of things while

Shirley

you're gone."

MacLaine

The nurse evidenced confusion because

she

knew

her

hours required her to stay anyway. Mother wanted the nurse to

know

that she shouldn't spend any extra energy on her, though.

my

"These nurses are

from their attention

as

I

real

glowing

friends," said Mother,

walked into her room and leaned over to

kiss her.

"Yeah,

anywhere

else

you have more friends

bet

I'll

by now, don't you?"

"Oh, no," she answered. suit

down and took

sat

I

"I

asked.

I

have friends everywhere."

off the

of the raw-silk slack

jacket

was wearing.

I

"My you get I

goodness," said Mother, "that's a nice outfit.

Hong

that.

explained

me done up

it

from around the world.

Shirl," she said, "the trips you've given us are

You

We

and they certainly did.

night after night, and

when we

we've been, or watch a

much I

fun to

sat

down

did

Kong.'*"

our most cherished memories. lives,

Where

was from Canada and she said she loved to see

in clothes

"You know,

so

than

hospitals

in

TV

said they

sit

would change our

together and go over

them

read a book about one of the places

program and recognize the scenery,

know we've been

it's

there."

beside her bed and prepared for an afternoon of

happy reminiscing about her

travels.

But

I

did have a particular

curiosity to explore her feelings about her trips.

"Mom,"

I

asked, "were you ever anywhere that you

felt

you

had been before?"

"Oh, yes," she was

in the hills

place so well.

I

said, "I've

somewhere

thought about that a

in Scotland.

couldn't understand

with your daddy. But he didn't don't

know why, but

the feel of the place.

happy, but

I

I

knew

I

it.

feel

I

it

I

knew

thought

I

can't figure out when."

66

I

think

it

at all.

So

I

was the smell and

It

was there,

I

had been there

was familiar

had been there.

And when

lot.

the look of that

1

was happy, very

Dancing

A

in the Light

nurse came in to check Mother's heart monitor. She looked

me casually and said, "Good morning," "Oh, my God. I didn't realize you were here."

over at

I

said,

laughed.

"Yes, this

Well, we

my

is

my God,"

"Oh,

we do

and then

really love

daughter, Shirley," said Mother. said the nurse, "I'm a nervous wreck.

much

your mother. She takes as

.

.

.

care of us as

of her."

"Yes,"

I

said, "I

can imagine."

Mother looked up

my

"Is

at her.

dissolving?" she asked with an almost girlish

clot

smile. "It's

not one clot, Mrs. Beaty.

It's

several clots and, yes, they

are dissolving."

"Can you

them dissolving?"

see

"Well, we take the

CAT

"See?" said Mother. "The doctors don't

"Oh,"

how we

scans and that's

tell

said the nurse, "the doctors will tell

tell."

you anything." you everything

if

you ask." Mother. "You

"Isn't that nice," said

see,

that's

why

I

love

doctors."

"Well," said the nurse, feeling that she should

you two She to

visit." left,

and Mother asked

my show when

they

came

if

to

wondering what

relax

and enjoy one another more. sat

else

and smiled

I

could get her and

New

York.

I

Dad

I

laughed and said

at each other.

"You know. Mother,"

began, "so

I

many

people are going

through intense problems right now. Haven't you noticed

Mother isn't it?

up

sat

Everyone

"Well,"

I

I

tickets

could do or say to get these two to

sure,

We

leave, "I'll let

in bed.

it?"

"Yes, Shirl," she said, "that's true,

know seems

went on, "we

to be all

67

going through

draw

to us

difficulties."

what we need

to

Shirley

MacLaine

experience, in order to grow, however that might be. So whatever

we're going through

"That's right, that

whenever he takes I

to

is

a learning process."

said

"

Mother. "Same

as

He knows

your father.

a drink, he has to be responsible for it."

thought about how to continue the point

I

was attempting

make. "So,"

continued, "whenever someone chooses to do what-

I

much anyone

ever they're doing, there's really nothing

but allow them with love and understanding to do

else

can do

it."

"Yes," said Mother, "the only way to really help someone else

is

with them every minute of the day. Like your father

to be

with his drinking, he gets

mad

me

at

I

know where he

and

I

lose

my

is

every minute. Sometimes

temper, but that's the only way

I

can help him."

"Well, Mother, maybe his drinking

mean, he doesn't exactly get drunk. shouldn't drink at

"But

it

all

because of what you

does. Shirk He's not

"But he

says he

is.

can't be too terrible for

And

really isn't that bad.

more

It's

I

that you think he

does to him."

feel it

happy when he drinks."

at this age,

why

not

let

him do

it.^

It

him."

She shook her head stubbornly.

"Nope," she all

over the house

said, "it's not

— under

good

for

him.

Why,

I

find bottles

the bed, in the closets."

"Well, no wonder, Mother.

You won't

let

him drink out

in

the open."

"Nope." "Okay." amusingly

I

let

clear to

dad's drinking as

didn't drink,

I

the matter rest for the time being.

me it

was about control

much about my and interaction. If Dad for

about. all

was so

that the issue wasn't so

wondered what there would be

"Are you eating

It

right. Mother.''"

68

I

asked.

them

to talk

Dancing

"Oh," she

No

sodium.

come

will

"So,"

"Oh,

"I'm on a very

said,

you know. Oh,

salt,

in a while, then I

in the Light

is

I

No

sugar,

no

have to be careful. Lunch

you will see."

you have

said, "did

Shirl, she

yes,

diet.

strict

a nice visit

with Sachi?"

something. She told

really

Did she

acting and her scene partner.

partner she had during the love scenes

tell

who

me

all

about her

you about the scene

stuck his tongue in her

^"

mouth.

Both

my

properly raised mother and

had an uncanny

"Oh, yes,"

He

gift for stating the

said

my

liberally raised Sachi

blunt truth without censorship.

Mother, "the boy wouldn't leave her alone.

followed her everywhere and tried to

make

dates with her, but

she didn't want to have anything to do with him. She's such a

darling." I

laughed, wondering

a demonstrative

As she

not having anything to do with such

if

boy was what made her darling.

Mother seemed unaware of her

talked.

fragile bones,

her dry mouth, her shattered shoulder, the monitor on her heart.

She was aware only of what she was talking about.

I

admired her

focus, her concentration, her obliviousness to pain.

"Shirl?" she asked, changing the subject in that free-associative

way

that old people have of doing.

have

all

know," she

"Well, everything

come

really believe that

we

lived before.'^"

"Yes, Mother. "I

"Do you

I

do.

I

do. That's

said. I

my

to the conclusion that

"So you think

I've

been writing about."

wasn't sure you really thought it."

I

thought about

could get

I

"But

what

it

and questioned

hands on about it

must be

we have known

it

it

and read

and, yes,

I

have

true."

each other before?"

"Oh, yes." "So,

if

I

knew you

before, then

before too?"

69

I

would have known Sachi

MacLame

Shirley

think so, yes. But

"I

speak for what

I

me.

believe about

1

"Well," she went on, familiar.

I

children.

know what

don't

known Sachi for don't know what point,

I

just give

she touches

my

gazed

I

"I

all

it's

about.

hand,

it

close

can only

I

feel

when

It's

about their grandfeel

I

my

she touches

beyond me. And

But

it.

I

Very

Sachi.

to

with them. But

it

up thinking about

at the

very

feel

Especially

eons.

else.

"

other mothers

never discussed

I've

anyone

can't say about

know

I

have

hand.

I

at a certain

that

whenever

reminds me."

faraway look in her eyes. She wanted to say

more.

Warren had something like that with my mother. I remember he used to get all dressed up to come to the dinner table because he knew Mother would be dressed. She never came to the table without having dressed, with a new hairstyle and perfume. And she wouldn't use a paper napkin. She insisted on a real linen napkin. Anyway, as soon as Warren and Mother sat down, Warren would snuggle up to her "I

and

think," she went on, "that

Grandmother, you smell so good.'

say, 'Oh,

He

never

left

her

There was something very profound between the two of

side.

them." I

see

remembering the

listened,

her mother.

to

Canada

to

The wind-blown clam hunts along the Nova my favorite times. We dug the clams and

steamed them over as

we had taken

were

Scotia shore

stories

trips

tin pots

we dipped them

in in

the cool evening sand and told

dripping hot butter and slurped

happily into the night.

"You, on the other hand," Mother went on, "you would

come rushing sheveled.

in

You'd

stop moving.

from dancing somewhere, eat partly standing

Then you'd look over

Grandmother. You're looking 'She's

such a

up at

beautiful.'

little lady.'

70

as

all

tumbled and

di-

though you couldn't

Mother and

say,

'Hello,

And Mother would

say,

Dancing

in the Light

thought of Grandmother MacLean's powder-white

I

hair,

Hke

strands of fine ivory-colored silk. She had the bearing of a dean of

women Nova

(which

Scotia)

the effect

is

what she was

in Wolfille,

and she seemed aware of every move she made and

would

it

Acadia University,

at

She flowed when she walked,

create.

as

though

she had an invisible pot on her head.

"Well, what did we talk about

"Oh, dinnertime was the time He'd pick out

Sometimes but

it

went on

Your

for hours.

father

had plenty of time

for

was too busy."

I

"Oh,

I

don't know.

You know, your father sick. And if either one I

to

and then draw you and Warren out.

a subject

"What do you mean,

So

answered.

for discourse," she

was when your father flourished. You know how he loves

"It

talk.

it,

when we were

dinner

at

asked Mother.

little.^" I

busy.''

It

Were you

seemed

cooking.-*"

though

as

I

was always busy.

never changed a didi [diaper}.

made him

It

of you upchucked, I'd have to clean

it

up.

was always busy."

"We

must have upchucked

Mother went now, he

on.

So

falls apart.

"Your I

a lot,"

father

is

I

said.

like that

now.

If

I'm sick

have to do everything myself. I'm always

so busy."

"Well, so what did we talk

about.-*"

I

asked.

"Oh, the opera. Mother loved opera. But couldn't get

me

go with

to

You were

talked a lot about.

your Daddy and

I

her.

felt

you didn't

like getting dressed

hated

it.

She

But religion was something we

attracted to the Episcopalians and

you should stay within the Baptist ranks,

which was stupid because people should be able frankly,

I

really

think

up

go

to

much

to choose.

of any of them.

to church.

You

should have anything to do with God. That's

You

But

didn't

never thought that

why you

didn't go

much. You thought people should be comfortable when they

71

Shirley

worshiped. But

really,

MacLaine

you didn't have much time anyway. You "

were always either

Mother have to have

sat

my

at

up

dancing

class or rehearsing.

in the bed,

her hands cupping her ears. "I

ears repierced," she said, looking

future. "I've been sick for so long,

I

let

them

wear those beautiful diamond studs you gave There was outside. Ira

hand and

a

a flurry at the door. People

go.

me

is,"

I

said,

I

want

to

years ago."

were greeting someone

O. Beaty made his entrance. He sported bunch of flowers and a brown paper bag

"Well, there himself

ahead to the

And

chuckling

at

a cane in one in the other.

how command-

ing he was, even using his early eighties shuffle to the utmost effect.

"Hi, Monkey," said Daddy

as

he walked over to Mother,

leaned down, and offered his cheek to her.

"You brought me

flowers,

Ira.'*"

Mother exclaimed with

incredulity.

"Yes, Scotch," he answered. "Flowers from your

"Oh,

Ira,

did you pick

them

own

garden."

yourself?"

"I picked them with my own lily-white hands." He snuck brown paper bag under her sheet. She noticed and stealthily looked up at him with grateful, bright eyes. As though I hadn't observed the interchange, Dad began to make a fuss with the chair he would sit in. I said, "No, take my chair. It's much more comfortable." He said, "No, it's too much trouble." And before I realized what was happening, I, while maneuvering my chair over to him, looked up and saw Mother poke into the brown paper bag under her sheet, unwrap noisy tinfoil, and push a clump of moist chocolate cake into her mouth.

the

Daddy continued with

the diversionary tactic of the chair-moving

Mother chewed voluptuously. She made no real attempt hide what she was doing, apparently knowing that she would

exercise as to

continue eating the obviously delicious forbidden food regardless of sugar shock.

72

Dancing

"Daddy," late

mockingly reproachful, "you snuck choco-

said,

I

in the Light

cake in here?" "Yes, Monkey," he said guilelessly. "There's not

Why, whenever

I

much sodium make tollhouse

teaspoon of salt." She seemed to

in

good cake." Mother stoutly.

"It's real

said

this,"

cookies,

I

always have to add a

was an explanation.

feel this

"Real good," said Daddy. "Sachi had two pieces and Bird Brain ate the rest."

"Who's Bird

Brain.'*"

I

asked,

realizing

that

now he was

using a verbal diversionary tactic in lieu of chair moving.

"The new woman who

"Why

d'you

call

takes care of us. Mrs. Randolf."

her Bird Brain?"

"Well," said Mother

in

between chews, "she can't keep her

mind on anything." 'Ah forgot,' she says," said Daddy.

Mother laughed with Daddy the front of her

mouth

as she fingered a piece

before the nurse

of cake to

came back. "She

forgets

the flour out of the gravy," she said, swallowing a tiny choke as

she laughed. "But she's really a darling. Bird Brain ate

is

an affection-

name."

"Oh,"

TV.

She'll

come

around the corner of the kitchen cabinet with a knife. Then

she'll

said

remember she it.

Then

she'll

Daddy,

"she's better than the

forgot the fork and

go back

remember she needs two

to the

sets,

drawer and get

but she only comes

back with one. She walks several miles a day in that kitchen. So guess

good

it's

exercise for her."

Mother opened the drawer next notice I

if

I

I

put the

rest

to her bed.

"They'll never

of the cake here, will they?"

couldn't resist and said no, helping her stuff

it

into the

back of the drawer.

"Cake won't

kill

me," she

stated positively.

ready to die."

73

"And I'm

not

Shirley

Daddy this

MacLaine

retrieved a piece of paper from his coat jacket.

"Now

Bird Brain remembered," he said. It

was Mother's exercises

for her previously

broken shoulder.

"Bless Bird Brain's heart," said Mother. "I'm forever losing this

paper, and she's forever

knowing where

is."

it

"We'll get some different exercises when you decide what you're going to break next."

"You may think that's funny, Ira, but I don't." asked "You mean falling off the piss pot is not funny Daddy with his special brand of malicious glee. "Now, Ira," chided Mother, "I like to tell my own stories." .-'"

All parents'

my life

life

I

had been privy to the tragicomic

together. Bird Brain was a

new

details of

chapter.

I

my

was very

curious.

"Tell

me,"

I

said,

"where does Bird Brain sleep?"

"In your mother's room," answered Daddy. "She sleeps in the other twin bed so she can hear

every time your mother

it

falls

out."

"Now,

Ira,"

said

Mother

repetitiously.

Brain sleeping in the room with

me much,

clean and was obviously brought

up

discovered, was seventy-seven}. But

makes such

I

don't like Bird

nicely [Bird Brain,

when

I

later

she takes her bath, she

a racket."

"What do you mean?"

whom

"I

but she's nice and

I

asked, trying to picture Bird Brain,

had never met, having a raucous time in the pretty

pink-tiled bathroom

"Well,

Mother had decorated.

for instance, the other night

asleep and Bird Brain decided she

wanted

I

was

in

bed about to

fall

to have a glass of milk.

I

got up and walked to the kitchen and found her in there in the

dark gobbling up all

ice

cream and cake with chocolate syrup poured

over it."

"Bird Brain puts butter and sugar on everything," said Daddy.

"Even sausage."

74

Dancing

My

in the Light

stomach turned over.

"Well,

her alone and went back to bed and she

left

I

didn't

come

her.

noticed the door to the guest

I

to

bed

So

herself.

room was

closed.

and there was Bird Brain asleep on your bed with face.

I

screamed

times,

I

'What

at her,

are

Don't you know

that spread.''

have to wash

it.-*'

lurched out of bed, and

whenever they decide

I

if

it

Well, Bird Brain was so startled she

room

'This

said,

bathroom and made

in the

opened

you doing sleeping on top of

on that spread.' Well, poor Bird Brain.

went

1

book over her

a

you sleep on that twenty-five

come home. No

to

still

got up again and went to look for

I

I

my

for

is

children

one sleeps in this terrified her.

when

a terrible racket

room

or

So then she she was

taking her bath." It

me

occurred to

would make

a

good

as

I

listened that

senior-citizens

TV

what she was describing show.

It

was, however,

interrupted by the arrival of a nurse. Mother eyed her table drawer slyly.

Daddy gestured it was okay. The nurse pulled Mother gently

position and

to a sitting

explained the exercises she was about to put her through.

"You know," and broken

my

The nurse

Mother

said

hip,

I

to the nurse,

would have died of

lifted her

arm and

my

"if

hadn't fallen

I

aneurysm."

said sweetly, "Really?"

"Oh, yes," Mother went on, "because when they X-rayed hip, they found the for the best.

aneurysm

The good Lord

"What about your

there. So,

said she's not

you

see,

it

all

my

happened

supposed to die yet."

wrist, Scotch.-*" asked

Daddy, deciding

to

tease her in front of her nurse.

"Well,

And

I

haven't figured that out yet.

the pelvic break

It

came because we were

should never get out of a car

at

was an accident. in

a

Christmastime in a hurry unless

you know you've gotten everything out of the car with you. just plain stupid

learned

my

lesson.

to get I'll

my

You

hurry.

coat caught in the car door.

never do that again."

75

I

was So

I

Shirley

Daddy

laughed.

"You

say you're finished breaking your bones?"

"You're darned right

want

to live to I

I

want

be ninety.

said

Mother

defiantly. "I don't

want

I

my own

to entertain in

my friends to my bed and

don't want to retire to

"When as

am,"

I

to have to keep going to restaurants where they serve you

that soppy food.

me.

MacLaine

did this ninety thing

"Well,

I've

be able to come and see say I'm done."

come up?"

though he wasn't sure he would

stick

been thinking about

said

around

since

it

home. I'm going

I

Daddy, almost

for the event.

came

in here," said

Mother.

"Why

ninety?"

"Well, a

hundred.

it I

asked.

I

seems like a ripe old age.

might change

my

I

don't want to live to be

mind, but

I

doubt

it.

At ninety

people will give you their arm and help you to a chair, but more

make people

than that would just

exasperated.

will give out first. I'm so long-legged, I

more

turned to Daddy, wondering years.

figure?"

I

"What do you

I

think

my

legs

you know."

how

he

felt

about living ten

think about ninety as a good, ripe

asked.

Daddy ruminated.

You know,

"I like that saying

from

Omar Khayyam.

the one about a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou.

These days the only thing

He

eyed Mother. "But

go.

Then

I

I

give a

damn about

is

a loaf of bread."

never dispute the boss," he added.

me

"He'll be lying in the bed," said Mother, "waiting for he'll

come

right after me. There's no

way

to get

to

away

from him."

Daddy

lit

another cigarette. "Well, Monkey," he said, "where

do you keep your Oscar?" The

talk of death didn't faze

him

in

the least.

"My stage with cloth.

Oscar?"

I

me now.

asked. "Well, I

And sometimes

have I

tell

it

I

have

it

in

New York

on the

on the piano, covered with a black

the audience that

76

I

want them

to

meet

Dancing

a person

who

has

say he represents

in the Light

come into my life who is very special to me. I many qualities to me: integrity, hard work,

experience, longevity, quality, and love.

there.

Then

I

And

besides that, I'm

They gasp and look around, wondering who

sleeping with him.

take the cloth off and

is

Oscar."

it's

"Right cute," said Daddy. "I've only

done that

few times. Some people think

a

self-congratulatory though.

have a

problem when you

So

and smacks of flaunting your

He it is

for I

chuckled. "Well,

a lot safer to sleep I've

tricky

it's

think?"

with Oscar than

been reading about."

chucked Daddy on the arm playfully. says

we should both bring our Oscars home

you can enjoy them.

won

it's

some of your other people

"Warren so

They think

What do you

success.

too

Some people

probably stop.

I'll

celebrate yourself.

it's

his

Oscar

He

"No,

Warren

you

for best director for Reds.)

"Well," said Daddy, "we certainly do have our house.

to

(Warren

says he keeps his in a drawer."

Why

a lot of stuff in

not the Oscars.^"

Ira," said

Mother

"As

flatly.

it

is,

most of our things

and Shirley ought to have."

"I agree

with you," Daddy

those things, because they are just as well

"but since they don't have

said,

still

in

our house, then

we might

have their Oscars too."

Dad and

Mom

were

like a pair of vaudevillians, each

endeav-

oring to top the other for attention and focus. Each was secure in the role they were playing and neither the

show was

were more

over. Their twists of

would

mind,

intricate than the finest

call it quits

their upstaging tactics

melodrama the stage could

produce. Mother played the tyranny of the fragile and insecurity of the tyrant. Their

games with each other

77

and say

Daddy

left

the

outsiders

Shirley

MacLame

And

batting their heads against each other.

as

I

have said, Warren

had been, in effect, outsiders. Bit players to the two stars. They possessed an astonishing repertoire, which bewildered our impressionable minds at the same time that it entranced us. Again, it was inevitable that we would go into show business. and

I

and second to attempt

First to elicit attention

cated characters, which

we would

to dissect compli-

play in a theatrical effort to

work through, and hence comprehend, what had indeed gone on in our

own home. Mother's and Dad's

chickens had

come home

to

roost.

Daddy looked

We

at his

had had lunch (no

charmed

I

had been there

for six hours.

Monkey?" way he mixed up words. "No thanks. Daddy," I

adored the think

to take

you

to the plane station.

just get a cab."

I'll

"Well, you should leave be

I

no sugar) and many interludes with

nurses.

"Do you want me said. "I

watch.

salt,

jammed and you

fairly

soon because the shuttle will

don't want to miss your

show tonight. There's

nothing worse than a dark theater when you've

just

begun your

run." I

knew how much he had wanted

life as a

"Let

He

to be

up there during

his

teacher and later as a well-providing real estate salesman.

me go

left

call a

cab

She looked

at

me

desk," he said.

longingly. "I'm going to be fine," she said.

"I'm not ready to die yet.

They make venom will

at the front

Mother and me alone together.

this

I

was worried before, but I'm not now.

anticoagulant out of snake venom.

And

snake

dissolve these clots."

She sounded so involuntarily jarring, so piercingly discordant.

Then

want you

she turned on an emotional

to tell

me

something."

78

dime and

said, "Shirl,

I

Dancing

Mom. What?"

"Yes,

"Sometimes,

know

a

tell

me

asleep at night,

fall

I

head.

know I'm

I

have one. This

I

about

we have

"Well,

my

in

I

hear

some

not dreaming.

I

"

dream when

"Oh,

asked.

I

just before

me

people talking to

in the Light

is

something

else.

it."

good conversations. They make

real

me

laugh. They're real funny."

"What do you

talk about?"

"Oh, everything. They anyone sit

up

else

I

who

good

friends. I've never told

about them. Sometimes they tickle

But

in bed.

crazy yet.

guides

are such

know

no one

there's

they are

are helping

real.

me

to

in the

Do you

me

room.

much that I know I'm not

so

I

think they are

know what

my

spiritual

on the other side?"

is

Her eyes were boundlessly deep, with a longing desperation. "And do you think they are preparing me to die?" I didn't know what to say, yet I felt that what she was saying was

true.

"Well,

Mom,

you know that

you'll never die, even

go. If you feel they are real, then they're real.

meet them when you

will

"They're

say, yes,

"

cross over.

sweet and they love

real

"Well then, why don't you

when you

would

them because you

they are your friends and you are accepting

know you

I

relax

me

so

much."

and enjoy them until you

can meet them in the flesh, so to speak."

"Oh, good," she go

to

bed because

I

"I'm so glad you understand.

said,

know

Daddy. He'd probably be

we'll have

Maybe

Mother

sat

question in her "Shirl?"

that's

fun.

Don't

love to

tell

your

jealous."

"I won't. Besides, he's

talks to.

some

I

what

probably got his he's

own

friends that he

doing when he sleeps so much."

back in bed and looked

at

me

with a deep

face.

she asked.

"Tell

me

guides you wrote about in your book.

79

again about

Who

is

this

those

Tom

spiritual

McPherson?"

Shirley

I

my

cleared

pleasures

MacLaine

throat and began to explain that one of

channeled the soul energy of beings from the acted as guides and teachers. material in

more

my

knew

I

my

written had been

me

experience.

I

it

who

plane

astral

from

me

personally was

confirm that what

to

I

explained that a nice young

named Kevin Ryerson had found, some to

great

she was familiar with the

book, but hearing about

Mother. She needed

real to

talent

my

was having sessions with accredited "mediums" who

had

man

years ago, that he had the

who

attune his body frequencies to spiritual beings

themselves were no longer in the body. These beings used the electromagnetic frequencies of Kevin's body as a channel through

which they could communicate with us on the earth plane from

would go

the astral plane where they resided. Kevin state while the astral beings used

to

him

as a

into a trance

medium through which

communicate.

Mother

listened patiently.

"How

do you know

it's

not Kevin

talking?" she asked.

"Well,"

said,

I

"the soul beings use Kevin's voice to talk

through, but they are separate beings from Kevin himself."

"How

do you know?" she questioned with an open-minded

tone in her voice.

"Well," answer to her

I

said, loving her curiosity,

but not certain

satisfaction, "I can only say that

Tom

I

could

McPherson,

one of the entities that Kevin channels, knew intimate details about

me

and

my

life

which no other human being on earth knew."

"Really, Shirl?" said Mother.

"And

did he help you with

things?"

"Oh, yes,"

I

answered, "he helped

me

with a great

many

things."

"Weren't you frightened that he knew so much about you?"

"No,"

phenomenon

I

answered, remembering of channeling.

"No,

80

as

my a

first

reactions to the

matter of

fact

it

was

Dancing

comforting to

apparently could skeptical at

Cayce and

'see'

first,

all

that

feel

I

in the Light

was communicating with a being who

things

I

couldn't see.

but not frightened.

I

Of

course,

was

I

had heard about Edgar

of his spiritual channeling, so

I

figured Kevin had

the same psychic talent."

"Yes," said Mother, sucking in her breath as she always did

when contemplating a new idea. "Yes, I've heard of Edgar Cayce. He helped many people when they were sick, didn't he.'*" "Yes," I answered. "He channeled all kinds of medical and scientific information from spiritual guides, even prescribing medand various treatments. Doctors couldn't understand

ication

it

because he had no medical training but was always right."

"So the spiritual entities speak through this young called

man

Kevin and they help you with things you have questions

about.'*"

"That's right."

Mother nodded. "So maybe

my

beings

'friends' are spiritual

like them.''" "I

think they might be, yes."

"Did they

live

once on earth?"

"Usually they have lived. But not always. Sometimes tual beings

come through who have never incarnated

"You mean, have never been

spiri-

at all."

alive?"

"That's right."

"Well,

they've never been alive,

if

how

can they be alive

now?"

"By

alive

I

mean

they've never been alive in a body.

the most part, the spiritual entities that

But

for

come through mediums

have had the experience of living in a body on earth."

"And when

they die, they go to this astral place and live

without bodies?" "Yes,"

I

answered,

wondering whether the nurses would

81

MacLaine

Shirley

room

mercifully stay out of the

"So,"

until

continued, "when our bodies

I

finished

I

houses for our souls don't work anymore. temporarily

reside

our bodies.

in

my

explanation.

'die,' it's really just

We

We

that the

who

are souls

only

over to the astral

pass

dimension where we remain until we decide to reincarnate again.

Our

souls (the real us) never die.

"Oh,

yes,

They

are eternal."

believe that," said Mother.

I

"Remember what Daddy was

saying about leaving his body

during the accident?" "Yes."

"Well,

the same thing. If he had really 'died,' he wouldn't

it's

He would

have come back to his body. plane now, just like this

"Oh,"

Tom

Mother,

said

be up there on the astral

McPherson character."

"I see."

moment before going on. "And remember how you've heard about

I

paused a

by their

people being visited

'dead' relatives.''"

"Yes."

"Well, really gone.

probably true.

it's

They

just live in

Because the relatives are never

another dimension after they leave

the body."

Mother, "I see." She thought a moment and me how this Tom McPherson helped you." scanned my memory, looked at my watch, and

"Oh, yes," said,

"Well, I

said,

quickly "I'll

said

tell

tell

you

happened exactly

as

that

a story I'll

tell

I

said,

really

across her lap

me remind you

"let

incredible.

It

actually

you."

Mother folded her arms "First,"

is

and her eyes that

lit

up.

Tom McPherson

speaks from the sensibility of his favorite incarnation." "Oh.-*" said

Mother, "and what was that?"

"Well, he was a Scotch-Irish pickpocket three hundred years ago.

knew each

I

was around

other."

82

at that

who

lived about

time, too, and

we

Dancing

"Oh, goodness,"

in the Light

said Mother.

"A pickpocket? And you knew

him? Don't get too compHcated. Just tell me the story." I chuckled, remembering how difficult it had been for

me

to

absorb some of the finer points of reincarnation.

"Well, years ago.

I

it

happened during the Thanksgiving holiday

had been working hard on

0/v/ on

a

few

a Limb to meet

my

deadline.

"The evening before Thanksgiving, erly Hills

on Rodeo Drive.

not

carried

only

my

credit

because

felt

I

In fact,

passport,

cards,

had recorded during

McPherson and some other

loved those tapes.

I

my

spiritual guides

my

and teachers.

I

I

had become dependent on them

me

own. McPherson had warned

dependence, claiming that

I

and tape

sessions with

that the language of the spiritual guides

eloquent than

I

I

was shopping in Bev-

was carrying a large purse. Inside,

money,

recorder but also tapes that

Tom

I

I

was more about

my

should learn to trust myself more, but

didn't listen.

walked into

"I

a

shop to try on a suit on

sale that

I

had

spotted in the window. "I

my

put

my

purse on the floor, took off

my

jacket,

and covered

purse (shopping in Beverly Hills teaches you to conceal your

purse).

I

turned around to the rack and took

down

a suit jacket.

I

hadn't turned for longer than five seconds, and there was no other customer there."

Mother leaned forward, her

eyes wide as saucers, anticipating

something dramatic.

"The

As

I

my

was busy on the telephone behind the counter.

turned back to

my

purse, out of the corner of

jacket gently collapse to the floor as

under out.

salesgirl

It

looked

my

eye,

I

saw

though there was no purse

my jacket. The purse was gone! freaked was more than my sense of reality could comprehend. up at the salesgirl and said, 'Who took my purse? My

it!

I

picked up

I

I

85

MacLaine

Shirley

purse

gone.

is

somebody

my

stole

"Oh, my,"

"The

my

woman,

my I

no one had come

jacket, so

my

flapped

must

it

in, she'd

still

up and down

jacket

is

seen

me

cover

be under there. Like a

not here,'

though

I

was

said. 'Can't

you

as I

that.'''

ran out of the store.

"I street.

I

went back into the

somehow found movie

There was hardly anyone on the expecting that the salesgirl had

store,

Instead, she was

it.

them

Hills police, begging

to

on the phone

come over and

to the Beverly

deal with this crazy

star.

'Look,'

I

said, 'I'm sorry.

the credit cards or

my

seconds and

five

Mother, "Shirl, what happened?"

beating dust out of a rug. 'My purse see

for

purse!'

said

salesgirl said

purse with

crazy

was only turned around

I

my

passport or anything like that.

spiritual tapes that

"She looked politely than 'Yes!'

astral plane.

were in

I

or

care about

there.'

me. 'Your

at

money

don't care about the

I

more

spiritual tapes?' she asked

was necessary. I

'My

said.

They

are so

tapes from

my

guides and teachers on the

important to me.'

"I could feel her thinking that she should have called the

boobyhatch instead of the

police.

'Well,' she said carefully, 'maybe you could consult your spiritual guides to find out

what happened

to your purse?'

Mother laughed. "She made me laugh, too," had

a point.

Well,

and

all that.

But

robbery after

all.

"So, then?"

"Two called

him

I

I

met with the

had

Yet

I

said,

"but she

police and filled out the reports

this eerie feeling that

it

couldn't imagine what

Mother

I

really hadn't it

really

been a

was."

said.

days after Thanksgiving, Kevin Ryerson was in town. for a

channeling session, thinking

son what had happened.

I

didn't

tell

84

I

I

could ask McPher-

Kevin anything about

it.

He

Dancing

in the Light

went into trance and McPherson came through. The first sentence out of his mouth was 'Did you detect the fine hand of my pickpocket capacity the other day?'

"Then it hit me. Of course, it was McPherson." "McPherson?" said Mother. "Oh my! However did he do it?" "Well, I asked him just that, and he said he'd miscalculated: he hadn't meant to dematerialize the bag completely

move

it

behind the

a lot of trouble for her,"

laughed because that really hadn't occurred to

"Well, anyway," In

it.

fact,

'What the

yelled,

I

Mother

said.

I

me.

had quite a fight with him about

said, "I

I

to

just

counter."

salesgirl's

"He could have made

—

hell

do you mean, you mis-

calculatedT

he said,

'Well,'

hadn't

'I

realized

own mediumistic

actually progressed in your

how much you had light frequencies.

My

mingled with yours and the combination of the

light frequency

two caused the bag

to dematerialize rather than

Mother leaned forward

as

simply to move.'

though she couldn't believe what

she was hearing. "I couldn't believe

was telling

me my

either,"

it

purse with

somewhere up there on the

I

all its

told her. "I asked

him

if

he

contents was hanging around

astral plane."

Mother looked confused. I saw I'd better get this over with. "Well, he said that would be against cosmic law. But since he was responsible for the mistake of dematerialization, it was up to

him

to find

said I'd get

someone who could karmically

it all

"The tapes?" "Yes,"

I

back except said

said, "it

I

Tom

it all

it.

He

came back,

gave the tapes to someone

who

did."

"Well, what happened with

"Oh,

from

Mother.

seems

needed them more than

my

profit

for the tapes."

all

just as

the other stuff?"

Tom

prescription eyeglasses, which

83

I

had said

it

Mother

said.

would. Including

had been missing."

Shirley

MacLaine

"How?" left at the door. No name or return The point of the whole thing though, really, was that I had become too dependent on the tapes they wanted to show me I didn't need them anymore." "Oh, my goodness, Shirl," said Mother. "And this really

"In a manila envelope,

address or anything.

—

happened?" "It certainly did, every bit of it."

"Well, what do you make of

it?" she asked,

longing for a

"logical" explanation. "I

know,"

don't

really

better explains

it,

"Oh, my,"

I

just

have to believe what McPherson said."

Mother,

said

"but until something

answered,

I

don't

"I

know whether

I'd

be

frightened or not."

"Well,"

no reason

I

said, "I figure, unless

something hurts me,

there's

to be scared. You're not frightened of your 'friends,' are

you?"

"Oh, no," she happy and they are

I

my

said,

"on the contrary. They make

me

love to laugh with them. They're really nice and

very I

feel

friends."

"Well, then." "Yes," she said, laughing.

"But

I

don't

friends I'd have left in the neighborhood if

I

know how many

told

them about my

'other friends.'

"Yes," surprised

I

said,

"I

how many

know

the feeling.

But

I

think you'd be

other people have 'friends' they don't talk

about."

Mother nodded, sucked Just then

in

another breath, and rolled her eyes.

Daddy walked back

into the room.

Mother put her

fingers to her lips and said, "Sh-h-h," as if this were our secret.

"Well, Monkey," said Daddy, "a cab's waiting.

I

think you'd

better go." I

picked up

all

my

stuff, kissed

86

them both good-bye, winked

Dancing

at

in the Light

Mother, and told Daddy to stay with

when

I

missed

got back to

my

I left

New

her.

I

said I'd call

York, so they wouldn't worry that

them I

had

show.

room and closed the door gently. I waited moment. Then I heard Mother say in a playful voice,

the hospital

outside for a "Ira, are

you going

and hide

it

to take the rest of this chocolate cake

home

so Bird Brain won't eat it?"

"Ummm,"

he said, "maybe

Then, before

I

I

should."

walked away. Mother

taking a cab so you can stay a

little

87

said,

"I'm so glad she's

longer and talk."

Ck wtcr 5

a

'n the

to

New

when

York,

I

crowded shuttle back

thought how parental-child

roles

reversed

are

The parents become the children and vice versa. They bring us up lovingly, tolerating our moods and mischief. The circle meets itself when we find ourselves becoming their protectors. I loved them more than I could ever express and was realizing more and more how their values had molded me. nature runs

I

its

inevitable course.

thought of what an integral part they had played in the

development of

my

professional attitudes as a child.

accepted that they were always there, supporting love and care.

It

was not something

was. But looking back, steered

I

me, not only into

selves. So, in effect,

I

this

just

with their

were the ones

It

just

who had

acting career as such, but toward the

patterns that that career had assumed

had always sensed that

had

I

appreciated really.

I

realize that they

my

me

—

that

is,

live

performing.

was what they had wanted

was doing

it

89

for

them

for

I

them-

as well as for myself.

Shirley

MacLaine

was born with extremely weak ankles which didn't properly

I

my

support

my

weight. So at the age of three

and found a

ballet school

with a

parents searched out

Richmond,

fine reputation in

Virginia. They hoped that ballet would act as therapy for strength-

my

ening start

ankles.

Not only did

work but

the therapy

adored the physical expression of dance.

I

right from the

became

It

indis-

pensable to me.

The Harper.

I

taught her er's

named for its principal teacher, Julia Mildred remember Mother being impressed with how Harper students to express themselves with their hands. Moth-

school was

hands had always been one of the most expressive outlets

and she identified with that outlet

her,

hands came feelings, Mother would

You

sorrow, terror, and fun through your hands.

even today

listened to her

I

and

much through

any other way.

as

was not very assertive

I

can express joy,

can discern another person's character as

I

hands

their

me. Through

for

say.

for

one's

dancing

in school or in

class.

But

—

Mother continually encouraged me to step up more to go to the front of the line, to express a new idea for a game or a step. But if I didn't feel I was ready, I didn't want to say or do anything. It frustrated Mother a great deal. I don't think it bothered Daddy very much. Maybe Mother saw

make

went

I

to

had

I

me

haunted

which arm

My

I

didn't

at the

want

me

to

for years.

it

first

Today,

I

needed

I

back of the classroom because

my

left

didn't want anybody else to see

it.

armpit.

I

felt it

That birthmark

have to think twice to remember

graces.

performance was singing and tap-dancing to

Apple for the Teacher."

my

hung

medium-sized birthmark behind

a

was so ugly,

on

me and

dancing school every day. Even though

the expression of dance I

herself in

her mistake of being too cautious.

head and

I

I

"An

wore a green cardboard four-leaf clover

dropped the apple.

It

dropped the apple on purpose every time

90

was

my

after that.

first

laugh.

I

Dancing

in the Light

As I progressed in school, I regarded my studies as simply what was required; the dancing my parents had begun for me was

my

life.

found school work boring.

I

an adventure. philosophers.

human

I

somehow, managed

School,

beings seem dull.

And

my bedroom window

from

found the books

I

chose to read

I

loved books about scientists and explorers and

grass well into the night

loved

I

my

hours or

for

lie

make

to

telescope.

same

these

would gaze

I

on the steamy summer

wondering what could be going on with

the stars that twinkled a message

was sure

I

would decode

I

someday.

Many mornings

would wake up convinced

I

dream

particularly advanced and sophisticated

some other

or to

never

remember

dream well enough

my

So dancing and music were ever

I

heard Russian music,

somehow reminded I

felt

I

me

it

to write

my

feelings to

I

a

I

could

down.

it

would bring me

of a familiar feeling

never mentioned

had had

outlets. In the ballet,

when-

to tears because

my

understood Russian music in

I

I

had existed on earth, but

civilization that

the

that

relating to medicine

heart.

It

couldn't quite remember. But

anyone because

I

didn't under-

stand them.

When

Mom

I

was twelve we moved

and Dad enrolled

country.

me

in

to Arlington, Virginia,

one of the best ballet schools in the

The Washington School of

the Ballet in Washington,

D.C., right across the Potomac River from where we Gardiner and Mary Day were Every day

after school

ferred to a streetcar,

I

my

teachers.

at night,

for five or six hours, returning to

doing

my homework

by the light

above

my

at the

time, of course, but the habit of this extremely

seat as

I

was

jostled

lived. Lisa

took the bus to Georgetown, trans-

and danced

Arlington on the bus

and

home

in the dark.

schedule was building a work pattern

91

I

I

didn't realize

it

demanding

hold to to this day. Then

Shirley

it

was because

be what

As

I

wanted

I

am

I

it.

progressed

in

character work.

do

to

without

Again,

it.

my

MacLaine

Now

dancing,

it.

map

looked like the

I

couldn't

took

when

eating, even

I I

Ballet

I

it

was

felt

I

When my after

knew

hair

as

My

at

torso

though

I

and freckles and

Russian.

fe/t

I

knew how

to read

Whenever it,

but

I

I

just

Russian Jewish girlfriends

dancing

class,

knew the food

I

I

was

for the first time.

was confused by how much

I

sian.

with them

became very good

I

might have had red

remember how.

me home

could do and

Russian mazurka

a

of Ireland, but

saw the Russian alphabet,

I

was the Russian influence.

it

assumed the proper posture during had been born to do

don't think

I

I

responded to anything Rus-

—

knew nothing about it yet I knew so much. sat starry-eyed when Lisa Gardiner related her days with the Russe, dancing with Anna Pavlova. Russians were so wildly I

passionate, allowing their emotions free rein, claiming that control stifled life.

wanted

I

to

be wildly passionate,

WASP

American,

less,

identified with

why.

I

I

asked

talented. It

my

my

but

as

a

middle-class

upbringing dictated otherwise. Neverthethe Russian soul.

mother and she

said

I

it

couldn't understand

was because

I

was

was one of those marvelous nonanswers that parents

can give and

served very well to

it

make me wonder what

talent

really was.

Since

I

was trained

in the art of dance,

I

grew up knowing

something about how that process develops. For me, talent never had anything to do with the intellectual processes.

It

sprang

almost entirely from feeling, expressed through the support system of discipline.

My

interpretation

identifiable to another

human

was trying to convey with

had to be on the mark and

being. If no one understood what

my movement,

communicating.

92

then

my

I

feeling wasn't

Dancing

in the Light

The combination of Lisa Gardiner and Mary Day was a dynamic source of disciplined inspiration for me. Miss Gardiner (it was

though "Miss" were her

as

woman

intellectually continental

name) was

first

a soft-spoken,

of high sophistication.

was

It

rumored around the dancing school that she had been married once for one night. been.

It

No

one was able to uncover

was out of the question

one ever knew

how

proachable territory

her husband had

No

Miss Gardiner directly.

old she was either. That was definitely unapalso.

But she was deeply kind and wise. She

had impeccably erect posture chair

smoking her

nails

were polished with

cigarette a

from her

they extended

to ask

who

as she sat

from

proudly in her high-backed

Her

a long silver holder.

finger-

shimmering pink color and sloped

fingers.

She

cigarette filter through her nose until

let it

as

smoke from her

the

curled in the air above

her.

Sometimes

after class

we

sat

and chatted. She talked about

touring and the adventures of the old days in Russia. She talked of the importance of

"So-and-so

enough.

wisdom

is

human

not yet a

experience in relation to movement.

consummate dancer because she

hasn't lived

She needs to suffer in order to attain wisdom. will then be evident in her

rapt attention.

her.

involved with

I

my

felt

it

I

heard anyone

listened with

my

clear that

I

I

else.

was "special"

boyfriends or

had better

I

I

my

to

heard her

didn't

me and was

she understood

progress.

exactly disapprove of

but made

I

She made inspirational sense to me.

with different ears than disappoint

movement."

Such

want

She didn't

her.

other interests in

fish to fry,

to

specifically

life,

namely dancing.

When

one of

polite

and gracious, but upon saying good-bye would take a long

my

boyfriends

came

to collect

me

for a date, she

drag on her filtered cigarette and more slowly than usual

smoke

With

spiral out of her nose as

subtle disdain, she

though counteracting

would wave me

95

a

let

was

the

bad smell.

into the night as

though

MacLaine

Shirley

secretly understanding that

my

with

adolescent

maddened with

I

years.

would wise up when was

It

at

those

was finished

I

times

that

was

I

curiosity about the real story of her one-night

marriage.

Mary Day was her

name

too)

was a

opposite.

Miss Day (Miss was her

had black flashing eyes which she orchestrated to

teacher. She

on cue under carefully arched eyebrows. She was about with

first

direct, down-to-earth, instructional pile driver of a

size four feet

which moved

flash

five feet six

like greased lightning

when

she

demonstrated a "combination" which she wished us to execute.

Her

voice rang with

saw,

she

command, and when

made no attempt

judgment. She walked with

be sensitive

to a

she didn't like what she

proud

in

expressing

her

turning out

stride, her feet

ducklike in opposite directions, her arms churning defiantly at her

Her movements were

sides.

assertive

and rapid, giving the impres-

sion that she wished to waste no time in her ambition to structure

the best ballet school east of the Mississippi and south of

New

York.

When

she was displeased at a student's progress, she never

hesitated to denounce I

would never be able

them

as "ridiculous"

and told

me

once that

to dance the role of Cinderella because

I

was

too "big" and she just couldn't have Cinderella "clodhopping" across the stage

When up and

I

told

when

the prince was supposed to feel sorry for her.

Mother what Miss Day had "Fine, Shirley

said,

That was news

to

me, but

I

I

would be

really

I

actress

called her

anyway."

class for a

few

for her breach of sensitivity

and

wonderful in the role of the Fairy God-

mother because she needed relented and

Mother

had to stay away from

weeks until Miss Day apologized said

said.

would rather be an

returned to

to have size

class.

and command. Mother

Mother might have been

where she herself was concerned, but nobody was going

reticent to

her daughter around in an impolite manner. Mother wanted

94

push

me

to

Dancing

be a success and neither Miss intimidate

me

in the Light

Day nor anybody

was going to

else

she had anything to say about

if

it.

Miss Day, on the other hand, admired Mother's spunk and gained new respect for me, too,

on when the school was

Mother

much

as a result, so

so that later

complied and the three of them have been friends ever

With Miss Day extract a pleased

progressing.

course in

"Well,

always

I

nod or

you

are looking

knew where

I

returned

could

I

knew

I

was

I

ballet

my

said,

and

legs

beginning to develop dancer's muscles.

are

good

for

you." That compliment satisfied

me

months.

sional mentors.

my

them

If

from an intensive

City, she took one look at

my

So Miss Gardiner and Miss Day were

were

her,

Dad

since.

stood.

I

compliment from

a

The summer

New York

finally

Things for six

she called

in financial disorganization,

to solicit Dad's help in "straightening out the mess."

They were the ones

longed to please and they

yardstick for accomplishment.

at the school

Mother,

I

it

than

I

childhood profes-

spent more time with

I

did with anyone

And

else.

was they who planted the seeds of acting

Miss Gardiner's way of nourishing those seeds was to

along with

in

my

say,

mind.

"You

are

when you move. I always know what you're attemptDay would say, "You know, Shirley, your moves too much for classical ballet. Why don't you think

a fine actress

ing to convey." Miss face

about going into Either way,

acting.**" I

got the message. But

become accomplished I

remember

the

first

I

felt

choreography contest.

We

complete freedom to choreograph what we wanted.

I

was

said,

feeling.

"Why

As

I

movements.

was discussing

it

don't you choreograph

person willing to die for her

art.-'"

95

At

needed to

dance.

at the expression of

ested in "steps" or matching

I

I

wanted

were allowed I

wasn't inter-

to express

what

with Mother, she revealingly

movement first,

that

that expresses a

sounded melodra-

Shirley

MacLaine

matic to me, but her feeling was so intense,

realized

I

was

it

"acceptable" because that was just where she lived. I

chose some Russian symphonic music.

movements

to

suffering.

dragged myself across the

down by

I

designed

my

the anguish of the Russian soul

express

body in

its

though being held

floor as

an invisible force and finally convulsed into an outburst

of triumph in the

When twice.

I

I

last

movement.

my

performed

The second time,

She gave

me

I

choreography, Mary Day had

me do

it

spontaneously altered the final position.

second prize because she

felt

had been more

I

involved with performing than with choreographing.

I

sponta-

felt

neity was essential to choreography.

Thus began my personal

conflict

with the

classical

dancing and consequently the dilemma of whether

When

a dancer or a star.

New York

straight to

was

I

I

forms of

wanted

graduated from high school

and into the chorus of

to be

went

I

Broadway show.

a

I

finally a professional dancer.

Dancers, or gypsies, as

with talent,

artists

who

we

are not allowed freedom,

who are in constant No one who hasn't done it can

the living body

inherent contradictions mean. soul. It

is

It

is

exponents of

pain.

possibly understand what the

an art that imprints on the

with you every moment, even

with you every

each other, are soldiers

refer to

after

you give

it

up.

It is

moment of your day and night. It is an art that how you walk, how you eat, how you make love,

expresses itself in

and how you do nothing.

It is

the art of the body, and as long as a

dancer possesses a body, he or she

feels

the call of expression in

dancer's terms. Dancers are always aware of cally.

Such

is

the

awkwardly, but relaxing, but revel in

my

I

name

am

of the game.

what strength

I

to

it.

me when

have, but

96

I

they look physi-

as a dancer,

I,

always aware of

body speaks

how

always

I

may

the time

know

I

may move

profess to be is

up.

I

may

could use more.

Dancing

And

crossed leg

tude, and also

know when

always

I

when

that

depression sets in,

my movements,

in

the line of a

when my posture denotes

proud bearing commands respect.

a

become slovenly

when

look beautiful,

exquisitely angled,

is

when

know

I

in the Light

I

I,

certi-

as a dancer,

cave in in the middle,

and find

it

very difficult to

look in the mirror.

but

I

may run with

as a dancer,

I,

am

because

with every crevice of the

intrinsically involved

don't want to

I

dress, but

will never

I

become

wear

graceful strides to catch a cab,

it if it

injured.

I

may

street

adore a certain

doesn't enhance the body line.

I

choose clothes not for style or color or fashion, but for line ... a dancer's obsession.

When

you have observed the progress of your body year

after

year in the dancing-class mirror, you are aware of each centimeter

and bulge. You are aware of how beads of sweat look when they glistening from the end of a strand of your hair because you

fall

have worked hard.

You know

that each slice of chocolate cake you indulge in the

night before will have to be lifted in an arabesque the following day.

You

how how

learn

everyday tasks,

same time. on

How

your dancer's knowledge to small

to apply to

warm

to talk

a

pot of milk and set a table at the

on the phone and stretch your hamstrings

a tabletop in order to save time.

entire

wardrobe

your body

is

an airplane seat without being noticed because

in

know you

relationship to pain becomes complex. There

Good

You

learn that breathing

technique

is

good

pain becomes a sensation you miss. Bad

pain becomes a sensation of danger.

as the physical

can

it.

pain and bad pain.

yourself.

can deftly change your

your domain of manipulation and you

do anything with

Your

You

itself.

is

You 97

With

as

age you learn to pace

important to the movement

learn to never breathe in.

You

Shirley

MacLaine

understand that nature involuntarily takes care of that,

when you

You

sleep.

release the toxins in the body.

Whenever you engage

you breathe out toward the kick. With

kick,

By doing

learn to only breathe out.

that,

as

does

it

you

that, in a

high

you know you

can go on kicking indefinitely.

And

the personality of a gypsy

With

volatile.

is

eruptions of temperament are expected;

a solo artist,

with gypsies they are

misunderstood.

Gypsies and soloists have put in the same amount of time in have slogged through their

class,

own

self-doubt, and have en-

deavored to touch the soul of their being in similarly confronta-

To dance

tional terms.

honesty.

You

cal health ical

is

health

at all

observer. tell

exposed.

body

Your self-image

it is

is

how you

dance.

is

the art of

Your physi-

Your psychologhumor and balance are

exposed.

relate to time, space,

and the

impossible to dance out of the side of your mouth.

It is

the truth it

totally,

work,

when you

exposed, and your senses of

is

you "mark"

to confront oneself. It

are completely exposed

exposed, to say nothing of

You

is

when you

dance. If you

and don't go

you hurt

lie,

you hurt yourself.

full out,

if

you don't commit your

And

if

you don't show up

yourself.

relatively impossible to live

with the guilt. That

is

dancer's gimmick. Dancers

not a

the art of dancing

is

being hurt. They do, how-

overcoming. That

about.

is all

fear

for

why

dancers give the impression of being masochistic. Masochism

ever, enjoy the challenge of

If

is,

after all,

what

Overcoming the limitations of the

body.

Dancers know that the mind, body, and

spirit are inextrica-

bly intertwined.

You know

it

the

"the big black giant"

first

(as

time you face an audience. There

Oscar Hammerstein put

it)

is

out there and

make them feel something through your body. You know you have to mean it. You know you have to have faith in your task

is

to

98

Dancing

your balance, your

flexibility,

in the Light

and your strength.

You know

also

that they will readily identify with your physical feats because they all

have bodies too.

humiliate

You know

selves.

them

you give

You know

because that

thern

if

you

and

trip

fall,

are afraid of in

you

them-

you make it seem, the more hope You know they are rooting for you, would be called into question. You

that the easier

for themselves.

otherwise their attendance represent

that

what they

is

what they would

be able to do themselves,

to

like

because each and every one of them have their

own problems with

their bodies.

And

so

you continue day

driving each muscle one for

last

after

day to keep yourself in shape,

mile in order to become a role model

what can be done with the body.

And

have done this for nearly

I

don't

I

know why

beginning. As

danced

I

said,

I

much from

loved dancing so

believe

I

fifty years.

it

the very

had something to do with having

in a prior incarnation. It

came "naturally"

to

me,

as

they

say. I

adored the graceful,

romantic reward that came after

lyrical,

the discipline and perspiration of hard work.

Perhaps the camaraderie of physical pain, accepted and toler-

name

ated in the

when

I

same

issues

of dance, binds each of us gypsies together. But

meet Olympic

and contradictions and rising

cigarettes, sugar,

and

Were we

part of

being

and the in

like,

common.

to the occasion.

I

find

we

all

have the

We love junk food, We love to complain

about helping each other with secret techniques to achieve

set

more.

athletes

it.

overachievers because of deep self-doubt? That's

Yet no one

who knows

is

is

the

a

human

he can do most anything with the body.

Perhaps buried in the athletes

more seemingly proud than art of

dance and in the performance of

human understanding

that the

of our soul's existence, the house in which

99

we

body live,

is

the temple

the instrument

Shirley

of our soul's expression as

God

MacLaine

we determine whether we

are part of

or not.

There are always periods when your body not responding to your will.

those times that

It is at

to confront the invisible reasons

why.

I

correlation between

are forced

many

and mood entered

rest,

realized that there

I

we

have gone through

such periods over the years. Certainly food, into the picture, but soon

out of sync,

is off,

was

a very real

harmonious periods physically and harmonious

periods spiritually.

effect to It

was

my

remembered

I

me.

It

happened

mother explaining the law of reversed to her once

She had usually "raced" against

a contest for the backstroke.

the clock in order to win.

somehow

her back,

On

this particular day, she glided

She said she exerted herself to the

utmost, but she didn't have the sensation of competing.

more

a sensation of

said she

wanted

to

with

that surrounded her.

all

go

my

was

The

won

or not.

She simply

She relaxed and became "one"

as fast as possible.

discipline of a trained

over and, to her astonishment, she I

It

harmonizing with the elements involved. She

didn't care whether she

just

on

harmony with the sun above

feeling in total

her and the water beneath.

during a swimming contest.

won

body took

easily.

began to operate with the same principle, and found that

body hurt Later

I

and was capable of doing much more.

less

studied Oriental approaches to karate,

aikido. Meditation

spirit.

The more

negative emotions, the more positive intellectualization of I

realized

my

learned to ignore

I

body

felt.

my

muscles

had memory

if

I

kept I

choreography from numbers and combinations

I

If

I

was twelve years

I

movement and allowed my body memory,

interfering.

and

was the mainstay, the discipline of becoming

one with mind, body, and

to itself.

judo,

trusted the muscle

old.

The body always knows

100

avoided the to respond

my mind

from

could remember

had done when

if it

is

I

allowed to

Dancing

prevail.

The body

is

in the Light

temple with checks and balances.

a spiritual

When the spiritual harmony is too. When the spirit radiates

not nourished, the body starves the body performs

happiness,

miraculously.

Often pline.

sweat

I

look back on the years and years of physical disci-

I

can remember nearly every classroom where the beads of

where the water fountain was located, the smell of each

fell,

room during the summer months, the smooth feel of the wooden bar during each warm-up. I remember the dank wetness of woolen tights when the cold night air hit my legs in rancid dressing

my

the winter, seizing

could reach a

warm

elongated muscles into tight knots until

bath.

I

remember

prior to breaking a sweat and

how

the tingling of the food

my

I

scalp just

had eaten would

I

determine when that would occur. I

remember

the

mercilessly stuffed

wool,

how

I

my

into toe shoes

feet

would measure

shredded with anxiety that I

I

my

long

toes

month

height from

might be growing too

my

heels

down whenever

in order to prevent ugly calf-bulging,

remember

at the

plie,

I

I

had

to

mental

performed a jump,

and stinging shin

splints.

the nausea doing pirouettes, the stretched splen-

awkwardness of turns slow grand

month,

to

dor of a slow adagio, the joy of defying gravity in a grand

pointed foot

I

tall.

floors in television studios, the incessant

notes to land with

as

padded with lamb's

remember the inflamed lower back pain whenever

dance on cement

I

my

bleeding calluses on

to the left,

the

jete,

the strained quivering of the

end of an extension, the burning thighs in a

the certainty that

my

back must be made of

concrete during a backbend.

The mirror

is

your conscience. You've rehearsed with weeks.

Then

turns you around, away from the mirror.

You

definitive

image

in front of

You're not sure where you ratify

you

are.

for

Your image

is

are

on your own.

no longer there to

your existence. Your orientation to space

101

its

the choreographer

is

altered.

You

Shirley

MacLaine

become aware of the meaning of movement and your need to to the audience because you can no longer communicate with your own image. The music sounds different. Your communicate spacing

You

is off.

are unable to

check out your

whomever

relation to yourself, but also in relation to

not only in

line,

you may

else

be dancing with.

Then you begin

to

soar,

you begin to become what you

mean. You find a hidden subtext

and flow and jump

You

aloft. is

begin to

gratuitous.

tion of

You

to the fill

in

You bend

your movement.

music when you allow

it

to carry

every space with body language; no

learn to think ahead,

moves requires the most

you

move

knowing which combinaYou learn which

anticipation.

movements are the most fulfilling and which are defiantly dangerous. You employ shortcuts and pain-saving devices. You know

how much

breath you'll need to pace yourself.

Your shoes become your support system. centimeter,

it

throws your balance askew.

harmless dust on the floor, you eye

you dance out of

until

its

it

at

If the size varies

If there

is

a

one

clump of

every available

moment

range because the slightest inconsistency

under your moving weight can cause you

to lose

your footing.

You test the speed of the floor under the rubber soles of your You know that if the speed is slow, you'll have to exert that much more effort in turns. Yet if it's too fast, you'll lose your shoes.

control.

Then you begin

to

need the lights, the costumes, the sce-

nery, and the audience.

You

leave everything

you learned

rehearsal hall behind you. All of

it

in the classroom

and the

was only the preparation, the

bare bones of expression.

You mold costume it,

feels foreign to

enhance

first

that

the choreography with additional magic.

it

it,

make

it

inhibits the

you

until

Your

to work with it, use movement. You complain at

you learn

part of the

movement, but you know from experience

102

Danang

in the Light

way at first. You rustle the skirt and toss a scarf, rendering new meaning to the original movement. Then you have a dress rehearsal with costumes, lights, and a full complement of musicians. Up to that time you have danced to a work light and a piano. Now you feel the complete musical that

it

always

feels that

poetry of the composer and orchestrator. There are levels of subtlety to the full,

music that you never dreamed would be there.

rich, awe-inspiring. It confuses

you

at first

been used to dancing only to the melody of one piano. are forty musicians

you,

as

You

are.

familiarize

yourself with

nuance of your face and body will

realize that every

lights stage right

You can see Then you

black.

and

left

add dimensional color to your arms and

absolutely no one in the audience. realize

it

all

is

up

even forget

You

who you

It is

You are You forget

to you.

forget everything you ever learned.

processes of technique.

The The bumper

leave your skin with a silky glow.

jells

spotlight following you burns through your eyes.

You

the

the lights, lovingly painted from the front of the

be visible. The pink

You

there

and makes you certain you can do anything.

Then come

legs.

Now

sound and find that the music kicks your movement

to another level

You

is

are as integral a part of the overall illusion

the performer,

totality of the

theater.

who

It

because you had

alienatingly

a performer.

the intricate

forget your anxieties and your pain.

You become one with the music, You know you

are.

the lights, and the collective spirit of the audience. are

there to help uplift them.

They want

to feel

better about

themselves and each other.

Then they they like you it

back.

You

You

—

react.

communal applause means They send you energy and you send

Their generously

love you even.

participate with each other.

leap, soar, turn, extend,

stomp, and laugh.

You acknowledge And so

they see and give them more.

The long

years

And

and bend. They

were worth

105

it.

the cycle continues. clap, yell, whistle,

their appreciation for it

what

goes.

The miraculous magic of

Shirley

expression overrides everything.

you

realize

audience. talent.

you

They

are everything

MacLatne

It

you

are a part of you.

becomes everything. Once again, are aware of.

You and

means of the body; the

ing one another, of together creating talent of understanding the

one, part of a

are

ing

are part of the

they are one expressing

The talent of giving and receiving, of resonating

greater spirit by

You

You

are

dancing with God.

dancing in the

on

shadow awareness

You

are

a

talent of souls appreciat-

life

divine perfection which

to

is

a larger scale.

that

The

makes us

all

the essence of sharing.

dancing with yourself.

You

light.

And my mother and father had been responsible for introducme to an art form that allowed me to dance with life.

104

CnMCY 6

S

'o

in the

my

projects,

relinquish

my

I

I

for.

that

As always,

become more important

was basking

I

could

rest

to

my

laurels for a year or two,

Besides,

I

wanted

to

inner

peace

and

good

my

in

private

but

to gtt

as

I

my

back into

my new brought me so

endeavor to apply

spiritual awareness to the professional arena. It

much

me.

in the success of Ter?ns of Endearment

on

brother, Warren, said to me, "It's probably

the storm."

me

goal-oriented priorities, calculated smart career moves.

Personal goals had

knew

I

then

to

some people wondered what I I did what I did for see no potential for human growth in any of won't do them. I was finally beginning to

1983-1984 time period

needed the Gershwin run personal reasons. If

much had happened

life.

had

Would

that

also

work

professionally? First of all, a

to

me.

When

I

word about acting and what the process means

began,

I

still

thought of myself as a dancer.

105

I

knew

MacLaine

Shirley

absolutely nothing about the techniques of expressing myself with

my my

how

voice or

dialogue.

I

view,

to

become another character through written

my

have had maybe four acting lessons in it

questionable whether

is

someone how

One

to act.

can learn

life,

and

in

it

is

even possible to teach

how

to

dance and

how

to sing

through lessons because those forms of expression require a schooled, almost mathematical understanding of rhythm, music,

scientific,

body movement, and placement of either the voice or the is more ephemeral, more abstract. It is about

tone,

body. But acting

individualized attitude.

Of

course, attitude

and dance, but you have to learn how Acting every

is

my

act

I I

have said,

They were

acters regardless of

how

I

my

studied their

their personalities.

street.

how

clear in their I

"business," and for

Warren and

him.

We

I

were

clearly.

first

objects of

the orchestration of

manipulation of char-

sometimes found them. watching people on the

for hours

sit

it

parents were the

moods and

frustrating

began to

to achieve

Sometimes Dad would take us

we waited

first.

my

As

Later on

and dance

We

observation.

best teacher.

important in song

of our everyday lives. So to me, observation was

only about attitude and

moment

is

to sing

in

the car while he did

left to

amuse ourselves while

were told to remain in the car and often

hours would pass with nothing to do but observe the milling clusters

acting out their various dramas

of people passing by,

while we watched in mesmerized fascination. Those times were

among the most effective in educating me about human behavior. To this day I long to be a fly on the wall wherever I am so that I can

recall the

childhood wonder of observing other people rather

than being observed myself.

was

When it came to acting I my teacher. Concentration

never had a trained teacher. Life

was

my

teacher.

The developed

capacity to observe another while putting myself in their skin and feeling

what they

felt

became

my

myself how to act by observing

teacher. In other words, life.

106

And from

I

taught

the beginning,

it

Dancing

"natural" to me. In fact,

felt

scene, it

in the Light

if

didn't feel "natural" in a given

I

was usually not very good.

I

worked.

If

If

watched myself doing

I

never had any acting idols really.

I

I

someone wasn't

If

good

a

character they were portraying.

would, whether

doing

I

think that was because

actor,

I

approached acting

I

it

as

a child

or whether

I

was

my

do. I'm not very sophisticated in

still

movies because

a sucker for the

what I'm watching unless

didn't like the

just

I

it

seems absolutely

I

didn't believe the

I

was observing another doing

And

myself.

it

demands. I'm

was saying,

I

didn't.

it

believed in the characters they were playing. acting.

what

believed

I

it,

I

usually believe

On

false.

the stage

the proscenium arch dictates that the audience be once removed

from

On

reality.

On

the stage you try to act real.

the screen you

try to be real.

So acting was a simple process

wonder

childish

to be

audience will believe

up

good

it.

If

I

at

it.

for

me.

I

had

just

don't, the audience won't.

It's

to

didn't take acting seriously enough.

I

me

that

—and

dumb

often treated

me

brought over

I

I

do

it.

it

as a

kind of

great pleasure but was

never did. That

pictures.

fun, I'd

making

your friends and your parents will believe you.

stories so

never has been a big deal to me. At the same time,

admit

enough

If/ believe what I'm doing, the

I

I

nothing to lose any sleep

usually only looked at

a film as

why

my

why

could never understand

movie business treated

so naturally

hobby, a pastime that

a

of course,

is,

came

It

It

have to

I

though

I

part and so

many

if it felt like

many people

were their

it

did so

in the

last will

and

testament. I'd read a script once,

look at

it

again until

it

lines the night before.

remembering them. seemed right

for

me

I

make my

was time

And by felt

to

decision to do

do

a scene.

the way,

I

the character as

to intellectualize

707

what

I

it,

and never

never studied

my

never had any trouble if I

by osmosis.

was doing.

It I

never

just, as

Shirley

Humphrey Bogart put to

bump

"got out there and acted and tried not

it,

into the furniture or the other people."

didn't care about the

I

MacLaine

number

ended up on the cutting-room

how

looked, but sometimes

I

floor.

of close-ups I

turned

I

had or what

I

didn't bother

down

parts

if

have to wear corsets or uncomfortable clothes. Most of have been shot indoors because, with blue eyes,

my

keeping

eyes open in the sunshine. So

Westerns and outdoor was

I

vitally interested in the

I

knew

I'd

pictures

have a hard time

usually turned

down

number of days

I'd

have

off,

lobbied to shoot films on French hours,

I

and working

starting at eleven

breaking for lunch.

I

I

my

epics.

and more than anything,

which meant

I

much with

was

till

seven without

and loathed getting up

a night person

early. It

films

wasn't until

my

Up

seriously.

late thirties that

then,

till

I

began

to take acting in

had been more interested in

I

traveling, love affairs, political activism,

my

friends, writing,

and

living. I

know what caused the shift in my attitude. Maybe Maybe it was the experience of failure (I had done years

don't

was age.

bad films

in a row).

But

really,

interested in the other aspects of

that

my

slough

it

talent off

I

believe that

my

life,

until

I

was

one day

was intensely interesting, too, and

anymore. Also,

let

me

say that

I

I

just I

it

of

more

realized

shouldn't

was one of the

last to

come under the Hollywood star system. I had been brought to Hollywood on a contract which guaranteed me three pictures a year, and Hollywood was churning out three times as many films then as they are today. Audiences were guaranteed. Films were the

mainstay of American,

European, and Japanese entertainment.

People went to the movies. They weren't selective about which

movie.

It's

different today.

So perhaps

I

began to take

my work 108

in films seriously

when

I

Dancing

in the Light

realized the audiences were doing

ceased to be casual about

Then one night

did too.

I

about the plight of the American

to talk

Indian and the interviewer wanted to talk about acting.

me was

with the interviewer. But what got to the

great

really

contempt both

and

that this was one of

his talent.

Anyway, with

,

At the same time,

I

had begun

I

I

my

my

search for the recognition

came together

had searched

it

out through the development of a

and by consciousness-raising

Concern

my

for

fellow

humans seemed

best served through political and social channels. I

as a femi-

had thought that the future salvation of the human race

in those domains.

for

identity was a serious undertaking for me.

sociopolitical consciousness nist. I

to

it.

was taking myself more

of higher consciousness. Life and acting, then,

Previously

want

didn't

the advent of Turning Point and Being There

and Terms of Endearment I found that seriously and enjoying it to boot.

me. Discovering

I

guess that had something to do with

I

agreed

I

and he appeared to have

of our time,

actors

for his profession

be like that. So

they

saw Marlon Brando being interviewed on

I

He wanted

television.

it,

When

same thing.

the

Yet

all

lay

to be

the while

knew that within those avenues there was something missing.

How

could

I

really

help others

if

I

didn't

know who

/

was?

Organizations lacked individualized understanding. They moved as a group, as a movement. The individual identity was what interested

me. And

so,

although there was

still

much

agreed

I

with and was attracted to within the sociopolitical activism of the fundamentally understood that the only change

time,

I

really

effect

would grow and progress

to

more understanding. So

veer away from political and social movements. shift

her

within themselves anyway

own The

1

could

was the change within myself. That was where

as

I

began

to

They seemed

to

I

each individual reached his or

personal understanding. raising of

my

spiritual consciousness, then,

109

was

a natural

MacLaine

Shirley

extension of everything

had previously explored.

I

among many

the world, lived

movements: and despite

cultures,

within myself. But what

—

needed an answer

was the

answer to what

became

basis of identity. That, then,

say

I

my

this because

all

live

I

was psychologias

searched

it

knew

intuitively

1

a spiritual question,

terms of continued self-search.

in

had a profound

effect

my

on

acting

performing.

began to work with principles and techniques

I

I

was asking was deeper, more profound.

I

a higher

but one that could only be pursued

and

much.

was a happy

I

having had a great deal of therapy

cally sophisticated,

I

been active in political

a drive for perfection,

person, not really agonized by anything

had traveled

I

in relation to

recognizing that mind, body, and spirit were intertwined. In I

was soon convinced that

mind and body. a

realized

I

My

mind-body being.

consciousness of

my

a healthy state of spirit controlled I

was

essentially a spiritual

my mind

body and

Negative attitudes,

fear

flowed from the

and anxiety, were mind

When

my

with something,

was blocked.

it

my

being, not

spiritual capacity.

resulted from not feeling well in

what

fact,

didn't flow.

It

spirit.

I

I

that

sets

wasn't easy

began to

realize

dis-ease meant.

remembered the days when

I

I

was often temperamental

if I

was unhappy with myself. So much negative temperament came from the lack of

trust or belief in

— the

myself

fear

that audiences or fellow workers wouldn't understand

and anxiety

what

I

was

endeavoring to communicate. Often the lack of trust in myself

me

caused

The

to mistrust others.

creative process often feels so

wouldn't even follow through on a

lonely, so isolated.

Sometimes

concept because

didn't give myself half a chance.

I

others

would sense

would

set

what set in

I

up

my

a fear in

I

As

a result,

reluctance and feel unable to respond. That

me

that

I

was not capable of getting across

desired to and the cyclical pattern of negativity

motion.

110

would be

Dancing

in the Light

when

All that began to change spiritual nature

worked

It

produced in a

can only describe

as

more

a

I

positive creative flow.

remarkably simple manner.

my

it.

what

trusted

I

my

higher unlimited self ... or

consciousness," as Freud would have put

subconscious and the conscious.

my

found that trusting

"super-

knew about

I

I

the

was learning about the super-

I

consciousness.

The higher unlimited superconsciousness can as one's eternal

unlimited soul

—

the soul that

The soul that has been through incarnation after knows all there is to know about you because it repository of your experience.

and your soul energy. energy which we because

it is

It is

It is

It

in the

the

memory with the

knows and resonates to God mind of man there are many

God

there are

self,

which has been a child of God

of

higher unlimited

from the beginning of time,

sometimes not so

you.

the totality of your soul

God.

God. As

mind

incarnation and is

also the energy that interfaces

refer to as

a part of

thoughts, so in the

Our

It is

best be defined

the real "you."

is

is

many

souls.

with us every instant, silently (and

guiding us through events and experi-

silently)

we elect to have for ourselves in order to learn more who we are and what the God energy is. That energy is

ences which fully

aware and the more we

totally

listen to

it,

the

more aware each

of us can become.

The totally

great spiritual masters such as Christ and

Buddha were

touch with their higher unlimited selves and were

in

They

therefore capable of accomplishing whatever they desired.

were

fully

realized

human

beings

who understood

all

of their

incarnational experiences and were able to incorporate their knowl-

edge and understanding into goal of realizing oneself

some.

It is

total love

My

to realize that

and

is

lives of service for others.

basically quite simple

we

are part of

God

.

.

.

it

While

is

which

also is

the

awe-

to say,

light.

personal goals were not so awesome.

111

I

just

wanted to be

MacLaine

Shirley

as fully realized as

my

could, both as a person and in

I

creative

expression.

So

I

began

to

put into practice techniques

I

had learned from

reading metaphysical literature (meta meaning "beyond"), talking

during

my

travels

and ideas that

I

with people involved in their

came up with

own

self-realization,

by being alone with myself

just

(meditation). I

started to

work with

these principles and techniques in as

earth-plane an environment as there

is

—

a

sweaty rehearsal

Putting together new material can be

exhilarating. You're never really sure whether

may seem wonderful

my

Alan Johnson was with him

anyone

He

He

is

now

had worked

I

has impeccable taste, great steps, and

inordinately patient, and possesses a

people to want to work with him. five feet six,

He

never flustered,

is

composed dignity

He smokes

in the street clothes he

either a shirt

and jeans or

His nose twitches when

safari

he's

comes

to

is

earlobe,

in,

usually

pants with T-shirt that blends.

about to say something comically

mean and temperamental, as who cannot, apparently, help

never

other choreographers

left

work

is

that causes

Lark cigarettes,

wears a small stud earring in his

and rehearses

is

It

the heir apparent to Michael

unique sense of judgment and pacing.

absurd and he

or not.

me of not knowing overseer who was the dance

a wiry, taut-calm

is

Bennett and Bob Fosse.

almost

is

will the audience react?

director-choreographer.

captain of West Side Story and

a

work

it'll

it

until he finally accused

for years

else.

how

to you, but

hall.

frightening as

as

many

are so

themselves.

Alan somehow resolved the pain of being a gypsy and saw no need to inflict the

same

He was

also

fate

on gypsies who work

into

for

him now.

higher consciousness and claimed

working with Mel Brooks (Alan directed To Be

or

Not

to

that

Be)

provoked an acceleration of that process or they would have taken

him away

in a

white coat. Alan had gotten in touch with some of

his past-life incarnations

and many of our rehearsal hours were

112

Dancing

wasted (nothing

is

in the Light

ever really wasted) in discussing our spiritual

conjectures.

We

whether

would ever be possible

it

exchanged metaphysical books and talked about

reincarnation without

Alan understood to

intelligence

dramatize a film about

to

looking tacky, or B-movieish.

its

as

well

as

did

I

we both allowed

that

block our free-flowing creativity.

him grapple with

I

would watch

smoking one of

that conflict as he stood

Larks, staring at the floor agonizing over which steps he

paint

it

tried

it,

or a

with.

could see him edit the

I

for fear that the

would not be able

man

to

intellectual

I

its

fully

it

before

He was

sophistication.

movement

easily identifiable to audiences

ten years beginning to

meant

understand

would

before he

audience would either have seen

of facile symmetry, yet

was not

movement even

his

not

that individualized itself

which were only in the

last

embrace dance. Alan was basically an

and we both knew what that meant to

creativity.

It

blockage.

had the same problem. The mind, with

ramifications,

was the great

limiter.

all

its

potential

in

working

Our purpose

together was to unblock the mind's limitations, and just go for

He winced whenever

one of his appreciators complimented him on

He

choreography."

his "intelligent

it.

longed to do stuff

we could

"get off on." So,

sometimes, when he was stuck and

dancers became impatient, to play

we would encourage

anyway and, catching

a

outrageously gyrate, undulate,

I

and

my

gypsy

the rehearsal pianist

kind of madness from one another,

bump,

twist,

and grind our way

a rousing, vulgar, childish finish because we

had nothing to

to

lose

with our mischief. That's when he'd come alive and in,"

and go on

to

temper our devilment into

a

say, "Keep it number of comic

proportions that he had had no intention of doing in the

first

Once again we would then agree that creativity required living the moment. Too much thinking was simply a handicap.

place.

in

Alan and

I

were so linked

in

m

understanding that often

we

Shirley

MacLaine

choreographed on the telephone. His raphers,"

mutual concept was that

was

classic

"Tribute to Choreog-

which won him many awards, was done left

our intention without contention,

he and

I

were about to confront Broadway and the

We

critics.

which went on

my

had put together

—

not so

shows

much

as

the

pacesetters,

was that

It

who took

bedeviling body of eloquent critical cynics, roles

New

the audiences, because

they were usually fairly alike, even in Europe and Asia.

autocratic

Vegas,

for

around the world, but

to tour in theaters

York was another animal

their

all

was to execute the movement.

And now

New York

clear,

that way. If our

who

pride in

could render you

paralytic with fear. I

New York as a variety artist, playing in a doing my little song, dance, acting, comedy

was going into

Broadway house,

numbers, and didn't want to be defined played Vegas for years, and loved

it,

as a

Vegas

by the way, but

to be a cut above the green velvet jungle. So did

meant

that

all

the

surefire,

I

act.

had

I

wanted

Alan

.

.

.

pull-down high kicks had

this

which to

be

adapted. They needed to be there for a reason other than applause,

although

why

figure out.

applause was beneath critical acclaim

I

still

can't

Obvious "mitt-grabbing" was too honest an intention

for the

New York

moved

to

applaud

critics.

—

They wanted

to decide if they

would be

they didn't like to be manipulated. Audiences

came to be manipulated, but critics were too smart for that. Ah, the intricate ramifications of the judging of fantasy.

How

seriously

could you take the exercise of simply giving the audience a good time.-*

The as a

creative people involved with building a

team. For me,

carefully

prima donna

weigh whether

emotional price. rather have

dancer

if a

It

his

a

involved,

or her talent

new show work I

would have

to

would be worth the

usually isn't. That goes for dancers too.

good dancers with

who was

is

I'd

stable personalities than a brilliant

bad apple. All the other apples

114

live too closely

Dancing

in the Light

together in the barrel to avoid contamination. Negative attitudes are contagious.

So, attitudes of easement and flexibihty were the

my

priority of

been like that

me

company. for

I

couldn't have

some time, and because

number-one

any other way.

it

so

many

It

had

others around

were working toward their own spiritual enlightenment, we

preciously guarded those qualities

we had

learned to trust and

maintain in ourselves and each other.

Many

people

tions with us

who came

prevailed with every

We

member

my

of

company.

I

was proud of

put our spiritual growth to practical use and

showed up

we

backstage or had intermittent associa-

remarked about the goodwill, the centeredness that

working environment.

in the

them over and worked them

talked

to the conclusion that there

If there

it

that.

literally

were arguments,

out, almost always

coming

had been a karmic lesson to be learned

from everyone's point of view.

The

any company creates the values of that company.

star of

If the star

is

irresponsibly late, the rest will think time doesn't

matter. If the star is

argumentative, arguments prevail. If the star

is

unprofessional, rough edges begin to tear

fabric of the entire production. So, the star

ble for

away

at the internal

ultimately responsi-

what goes on.

During the the

is

rehearsal process,

helmsman. The

the director-choreographer

star looks to that creative

mind

is

for sustenance

and support and leadership. But when the show has opened,

becomes the

And

star

around

whom

it

everything revolves.

during rehearsals, the lighting and costume designers

are as important as the performers because everyone

don't look good, what point

Gypsies are famous

there in

is

"if

for overtly expressing their feelings

the costumes their bodies have to

And when

knows

move

you

working your buns ofP

"

about

in.

the costume designer presents his lovingly painted

color drawings to the

company,

carefully spread out

115

on the dance

MacLaine

Shirley

floor to achieve the

utmost

effect,

he

as

is

nervous

His talent

is

—

hundred

audience.

first

about to be assessed, judged, critiqued, and, he

—

knows inevitably "improved upon. But you know you have to say it now. costume goes

choreog-

as the

rapher, the star, and the performers in front of their

you wait until the

If

to the headers, you've possibly

blown seventy-five

dollars.

Or you might be working with you, who

enough

blessed

to have a Pete

Menefee

not only was a gypsy himself, but readily

and without any inner dialogues understands that physical discomfort inhibits

The

movement.

lighting designer

is

the recipient of compliments only

from the director or choreographer who

sit

out front because those

of us on the stage never get a chance to see what

can only

we

We

look like.

feel it.

"Feeling" your way

magic

the process by which stage

is

is

made.

We

felt

our way through rehearsals, doing our stuff to the

blank wall, capable only of imagining what the be. Christopher Adler helped

say "helped" because any to flow

me

write

mean what

saying something on the stage that

to

spring

anyway.

I

from

Any to

Or

truth.

had learned that by

a vital point

where personal

musical performer

I

a

performer

am

the

live

when It

it

has

audience won't laugh

performing

who works

who

incapable of

is

—which

brings up

concerned.

"live" agonizes over

how

We

may be solidly secure in but when it comes to between numbers, we need "patter." Comedy

dancing,

"being ourselves" in

I

don't mean. Even

bitter experience

communicate with the audience.

our singing,

I

she says.

not enough just to get a laugh.

It's

my own

and material.

lyrics

from the heart of the performer, especially

to telling a joke.

would

good writer knows that the words have

not only writes, but has to

comes

my

final effect

musical ability,

writers are called in by our agents, and the result

116

is

well inten-

Dancing

in the Light

but never really works. The truth

tioned,

And

experiment on stage. black giant

enough

is

to

you

just

have to

experimentation in front of the big reduce an accomplished and seasoned

performer to the rank of blithering

we go through

secure than that. So

is,

We

idiot.

need to be more

the motions of telling jokes

stemming from someone else's sensibilities and, depending on the reaction, that's where we find our true spontaneous selves. So, knowing who you are on stage is the ultimate goal. The audience never responds to artifice. They can detect sham immediately and just as swiftly

respond positively to something you do that comes

out of your gut. They want you to be there for.

They want

means you have

that

you decide

if

That's what they're

come away knowing who you

to be willing to tell

them.

No

are.

Well,

one can

really

You are the architect of your personal experience.

write for you. So,

to

real.

to

go into that

line of

work, you have to be

prepared to take personal chances.

None

of this applies to proscenium theater, where you in-

habit another character and are traditionally forbidden to break the

proscenium. Personal-appearance performing

requires that

you crack

the formality of that dividing arch, giving the audience a glimpse,

even ing

if

is

imperfect, of where you really live. This kind of perform-

not about perfection. In

fact, it is

the opposite.

When

you

break the boundaries of the proscenium, you are saying you are

one of them.

A

comfortable performer relishes spontaneous

mo-

ments that occur with an audience. Because we know that the audience knows bers a

is

it's

real.

What happens between

the "big"

num-

generally unrehearsed, and though the overall shape of such

show remains the same, the personal material never comes out same way twice. But to find your comfortable stage

exactly the

personality takes time and the willingness to relax into spontane-

ous imperfection. So,

good writers write with you, not for you. They attempt

ascertain your areas of comfort and ease

117

to

and bolster those areas

MacLaine

Shirley

A

with jokes and comments.

good writer never

something that he beheves he needs

you

forces

you to

try

to prove. Instead he implores

to try to be yourself.

That's what Christopher did. That's what Alan always does.

Behind the scenes creative

The performer

performer.

know

artists is,

after all

they are there to serve the

been cleverly fashioned to

and done, the person

said

is

They don't want

the audience comes to see.

to feel that

from the performer's mouth, or

spill

that movements have been crafted on a body that

commit

is

unwilling to

them.

to

Even the performer

words have

lyrics of a

what the audience

or

feels,

song need to express either what the

you

believes

ences don't believe what you're saying

up

feel.

If audi-

there, they just won't

come.

But

if

they do,

it's

pure

joy.

Broadway, the big one- woman show, was rapidly approaching.

To work

at one's profession

was an adventure possible.

my

life.

mind I

It I

and apply

longed to experience

Yoga had long

daily

well-being. But tual

I

since

helped

wanted

become

my

dancing

to experiment

spiritual techniques

just to

determine

if it

was

a contributive exercise in

well

as

as

my

physical

with more detailed

spiri-

techniques.

began

to

work with what

days into the rehearsal period.

I

is

known

as "affirmations" a

few

found that they were remarkably

productive.

Affirmations are spoken resolutions which, erly, align the physical,

The am, or

ancient

Aum

in

mental, and spiritual energies.

Hindu

Hindi,

when used prop-

set

vedas claimed that the spoken words

up

a vibrational

and mind which align the individual with

frequency in the body his or her higher self

and thus with the God-source. The word God

118

/

in

any language

Dancing

language.

Therefore,

vibrations

literally

Light

frequency of any word

highest vibrational

the

carries

in the

one says audibly

if

am God,

/

in

that

the sound

align the energies of the body to a higher

atunement.

You

can use

/

am God or

am

/

you can extend the affirmations

I

would affirm

bly,

to

as:

am God

I

am God

with

wanted

I

in

humor.

own

your

fit

as Christ often did, or

needs.

would help reduce body

ease.

to feel,

would disturb someone

I

Or,

in action.

Whatever came

creative requirement. as

am

pain. So

myself (sometimes silently and sometimes audi-

depending on whether

tion such

I

Sometimes

if I

would

I

What happened was had

to

needed affirmations which

I

that I

say,

I

to

else) a resolu-

am God in my mind

health. Or,

was not feeling

am God

remarkable.

I

in fun.

as full

Or,

of fun

am God

I

wouldn't have believed

it

not experienced the results myself.

I

Call ence.

concentration, or call

it

My

no pain.

/ felt

altered

uttered

if I

a feeling that

was

real.

I

believing,

makes no

it

my

perception, and therefore

am God

/

it

in happiness to myself.

was

result

was

number when

double days of two shows a day, whether chant to myself along with the music, the pain melted away.

under

classes

my

Then am God in less.

If,

enough

mood,

when

One

would go on

light.

as

The

/

it

/

am God

wondered,

to believe

effect

is

/

sleep the night before, or

I

would,

I

and

all

During chanted

strength, or /

stunning.

happened, there were days when

center,

I

after

The burn was

am God in I

had either not had

something occurred

as

soon

119

as

I

opened

to jangle

me to my eyes

or just the pressure of performing itself caused

my own

it.

In

would

in stamina

in coolness.

to chant gently,

spirit.

could finish,

I

am God

has to try

I

the "burn" was nearly intolerable,

breath three times, I

The

uttered each affirmation three times.

the middle of the grueling dance

workout

differ-

truth,

The

vedas claim that three times designates mind, body, and

of

I

my

dictated

my

be out in the

MacLatne

Shirley

morning, begin

my

affirmations and in five minutes or so

I

felt

better.

Before performing

I

always did them during the overture and

my

continued right on through occur

through

all

my

Source as

began

I

me

and

entrance.

went on

I

felt

I

the alignment

God

perform with the

to

support system. to use this technique in other

ways

too.

my

There were many times, over the course of

when

life,

I

was

asked to be a public speaker. Either to accept an award or to be a Public speaking terrified me.

I

the need to have a prepared text to refer to. Either

I

keynote speaker always

felt

at a political rally.

would write the speech for

me.

or a professional speech writer

couldn't feel comfortable doing

I

discomfort began to ebb away too. outlined idea in

by

little

little

was what

I

my

head. If

I

I

me,

didn't bother referring to them.

sync with

in

moment was

my

infinitely

feelings.

more

A

I

moment and with my

1

found that

realized that

it

more the way if I

to the audience

pause or a decision-making

effective than the studied intellectual

twist of a well-planned phrase. Again,

the

it

began to work only with an

than the words anyway. The words, frankly, got in

was

would do

spontaneously. This

carried notes with

was feeling that communicated

I

it

I

affirmation.

was learning to

My

trust in

higher self was

my

guide.

This process was so self-enlightening that very

much

to share

at

times

attempting to light a candle

it,

I

for

wanted

someone

rather than tolerate their cursing of the darkness. I

quickly learned that this

my own

pursuing principles, their

own

I

awakening,

was aware

at all

their

own

I

had

to

It

in.

While

was working with balanced

times that everyone else was pursuing

truth,

version of enlightenment. I

//

where karma comes

path, consciously or unconsciously.

perceptions,

truth.

is

their

own

They had

pace,

was not possible

simply proceed along

120

my own

to

their

own

and their own judge another's

path, continually

Dancing

in the Light

reminding myself of the true meaning of "Judge not, that ye be not judged."

The

process of self-realization (or even the theories of reincar-

nation and karma) does not lend itself to proselytization.

It

highly personal, ultimately self-responsible. All one can say, ally,

happened

this

is:

someone

they must do their

else,

learning, their

interests

own

reading,

can only say that this feeling of higher awareness

I

life,

it

and

which

perceptions

in

a

is

my

matter purely of one's

work,

I

my own

I

had of myself were,

reality,

was

it

was

I

If

I

saw I

else.

in others

was

I

had of

I

Therefore, to dese-

denigrate another was to to

judge myself.

And

was happy with myself,

loved myself,

I

could love others.

could tolerate others. If

was kind to others

so

realized that the

main, perceptions

To

about: SELF. If

I

is

consciousness. In

was, in effect, only living inside

To judge another was all

could tolerate myself, I

in the

and so was everyone

was happy with others.

myself,

I

to desecrate myself.

denigrate myself.

what

what

realized that

did or didn't want to see in myself.

I

crate another

that's

own

re-

it

If

feels.

So,

others in the world around me.

of

own

it

searching.

personal that

that

how

is

own

their

my

me. This

to

is

—and on and

on.

It

I

I

If

was kind

I

to

was a personal

evaluation of self that enabled this enlightenment to

work

for

me.

Not the evaluation of others. So when I saw people zealously condemning the "sins" of others in the name of God, I found myself wondering what karma they were setting up for themselves.

What

ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Do

unto others

as

you

would have them do unto you. This simple karmic law of cause and effect was predominant in the religious and spiritual teachings of virtually every culture on earth. So this

law for their

ever they

might

j'e'/^-destruction,

world we

see.

I

We

many had

misinterpreted

own

reasons.

be,

but with the world heading for possible

I

"respected" these reasons, what-

we are not victims way we see the world.

could only say that are victims of the

121

of the

MacLaine

Shirley

In truth, there are no victims. There

and

self-realization.

That was the

wagon. As the etymology of the word torn asunder from; astrado

be torn asunder from the

—

the stars.

stars,

is

to

star

only self-perception

which

hitched

I

disaster suggested: dis

To

experience disaster

aware of

how

my

run in

with the opportunity of being more

harmony of

the

to

the higher dimension works.

received a call from a psychic trance-channeler, a friend of

I

who

mine,

me

me

that provided

is

and from the higher truth.

There were personal events that occurred during

New York

my

didn't

want

me

to concern

to be aware of something. She didn't

she said,

unnecessarily but wanted

know what

meant, but

"Do you know someone named Mark?"

couldn't think of anyone except one of

I

it

my

four dancers,

whose name was Mark Reiner. "Well,

Mark

I

my

don't know," said

will cause

friend J.Z.

some disruption, not

"Someone named

serious, but just be aware."

Every night during the warm-up period before the overture,

Mark and wonder

would look at

something concerning him.

I

if

I

J.Z. could have tuned in on

want

to

went on daylight saving time.

It

never said anything.

didn't

I

alarm him.

was

A

few days

a

matinee day and

between shows.

My

friends

New York

later.

I

had forgotten

commented

over dinner.

I

was having dinner with friends in

I

glanced

that at

I

my

to

put

my

watch ahead an hour.

was unusually casual about lingering

watch and

said,

"Oh,

I

have another

hour."

Then our night.

I

said

I

waiter passed and inquired

wasn't

off.

He

why

I

was off that

pointed to his watch and said, "Then

you're on in five minutes!" I

panicked.

I

raced to

my

limo, where Dominick,

122

my

driver,

Dancing

in the Light

Stood tapping his foot, wondering.

mance

He

"You

We

I

didn't blame him.

go on. You have

can't

to

One boy

there were three.

dance two parts!

rushed to the stage where the other three dancers were

I

perspiringly attempting to

work with

He

It

place him.

"happened"

him

show

first.

I'll I

to be out for several

I

moved.

I'd really like to

can be ready tomorrow night.

Mark

is

me. Yet

hit

at the

same time,

over,

"Oh, now

it.

I

hadn't had time to worry!

life.

"When

as

we

called J.Z. to tell her

I

understand," she said. know.''"

tuned

you're

in,

I

it.

If

is

had

you're

more tuned

there for

we each

all

what had happened.

asked.

tuned in," she

said.

"A

in to the 'knowingness' of his or

her higher self than others. That's the knowingness

parts,

The audience wildly applauded him, and when

I

just a little

know

now dancing two

Larry, the dancer

"But how did you

is

I

explained to the audience what had happened. They

the time of his all

going

weeks."

was protected not only by Gary's "accidental" presence,

loved being in on

psychic

"But

went on without Gary or Mark, rechoreographing I

He

heard the news, and rushed

said Gary.

but by forgetting the time change.

We

couldn't

I

old dancers.

his dance sboesl

go on,"

The impact of J.Z.'s warning realized

my

the "choreographer" number! Mark's clothes

—even

you want,

a fourth person.

was one of

to be in the audience,

perfectly

"If see the

turned around.

He knew

backstage.

don't

has sprained

three minutes to rechoreograph."

Now

used only four dancers.

would have

was

"Mark Reiner

don't understand," said Mike.

and

his ankle

Mike Flowers ashen-faced

arrived at the theater to find

I

and annoyed.

it

religious about perfor-

drove the getaway car in a way Al Capone would have

admired.

fit

am

I

deadlines.

why

of us.

they

We

call

us psychics.

But

we

just

are all psychics,

trusted our knowingness, we'd each be

123

MacLame

Shirley

We

totally aware.

are

what we're aware

And

of.

that should be our

true goal in life."

thanked her and hung up.

I

I

sat for a

long time, thinking

again about the limitation of linear time.

could only perceive events that had either just happened or

I

were immediately about to happen.

I

frustrated that

felt

I

couldn't

view what a past lifetime had been or what a future event would reveal. I

thought of

canoe floating

a

down

From

the river.

the

perspective of the canoe, one could only see immediately behind or

immediately ahead. Seen from a perspective above the canoe, that

view became see miles

a broader

and more elongated perspective. One could

behind and miles ahead.

was time, then, and we wished to

If the river

the future,

all it

see the past

and

took was to plug into a higher perspective. Again

But to plug more knowledge of the

there was no such thing as reality, only perception. into

higher perspective required

that

— our higher

higher self

selves resided in the astral

dimension, not

in the earth-plane, physical dimension.

The

astral

or measure

it

dimension was

real

"perceived" conscious reality. That the

new age of thought.

that includes the

A

even though we couldn't see

There

in linear terms.

new

is

is

knowledge that there

sion that operates in

what has come

is

to be called

An

age of awareness.

awareness

indeed a level of dimen-

harmony and with perfection, waiting on earth

to understand that being alive

we truly are. The sense of knowing

it

our

a greater reality than

is

for us

only a limited aspect

of what

isn't

really

that the great unfathomable mystery

such a mystery was a practical, contributive, earth-

plane support system for me. fact inside

me, waiting

to be

It

was

in

As above,

so

was not only out there,

tapped and

realized.

it

below. The two dimensions were mirrors for each other. living on the limited earth-plane dimension, but

124

if

I

I

was

trusted that

I

Dancing

was indeed unlimited, then

know

in the Light

would

/

Mark Reiner was going

that

my

During

be able to tune in and

also

to sprain his ankle.

years of searching for spiritual understanding in

myself and others,

my

me

path has led

through some almost

Some included

unbelievable events and relationships.

"regular"

people.

But other relationships were not of the "home-grown"

variety.

As

channeled

have described,

I

I

visited accredited

guides from the astral plane.

spirit

I

mediums who

developed relation-

Some were humorous, some purely

ships with those "entities."

educational. But one was

more profound than any of the

His name was Ramtha.

He

Enlightened One.

My

himself

identified

as

Ramtha

Ramtha was

relationship with

He

ing to speak to another time and place.

said he

others.

the

deep, seem-

had had one

incarnation during the Atlantean time period and had achieved realization

total

Ramtha,

in

that

a very strange

lifetime.

When

I

was

first

told about

soul-memory feeling came over me. As time

name

down and

matter of

fact,

sobbed.

couldn't understand what was happening to me.

knew

I

the

that the

first

mention of

heard his

I

his

couldn't control and touched

I

broke

name brought up so deeply

the

same thing occurred.

it

I

only

feelings that

me

a

I

almost frightened

me.

During our

first session,

He

chan-

neled through J.Z. Knight (the same woman who had called me about Mark). J.Z. was a beautiful blonde with a kind of delicate

Ramtha was

friendliness.

When

forcefulness.

a definitive

masculine energy of loving

everything about J.Z. changed. The soul her. J.Z.

strong.

is

five feet four inches tall

When Ramtha came

and carried could

about

me

feel his

muscled

Ramtha came through, energy of Ramtha was in

she went into trance and

me up in his arms me over his head. I arms. I am a heavy,

through, he picked

around the room, nearly

lifting

masculine energy through her

woman weighing

and not particularly

usually between one hundred thirty and

one hundred forty pounds. Using

125

his

energy to strengthen J.Z. 's

MacLaine

Shirley

my

arms, he had no problem with

watched him

lift

a

embraced

me

and

lifted

awakened

feeling in

weight.

(Sometime

later

two-hundred-pound man.) As soon

me,

my

I

I

he

some couldn't understand. Then

began to cry again.

heart that

as

I

I

felt

Ramtha put me down. He took my hands in his and kissed them. He stroked my face. Then he gazed intently into my eyes. I could feel him pouring through J.Z.'s face. \ felt his thoughts. It was unbelievably real. So much so it was disconcerting. I had often experienced

energy of entities from the astral dimensions

the

working with Kevin and other mediums. But

Never had

it

been so profoundly moving to

me

was

this

different.

with Ramtha.

as

energy more intensely.

I

leaned forward to

feel his

my

smiled.

I

was

My

I

was

in

tears.

Ramtha

another world.

only feeling.

Who

was he?

Why

was

something familiar began to well up an abstract intuition. figure until

it

it

eyes of

out with

my

I

I

in

behaving

my

I

Then

this way.-*

heart. It

began

first as

didn't obstruct the feeling by trying to

mind.

I

let it

happen. The feeling expanded

took the form of an intuitive thought. As

Ramtha,

couldn't stop

I

Then he began to cry! I felt that mind clicked off. I wasn't thinking.

heard myself say,

I

looked into the

"Were you my brother

in

your

Atlantean incarnation.''"

More

tears spilled

"and you were I

my

his eyes. "Yes,

Ramtha and

my

beloved," he said,

brother."

can only say that what he said

That was the reason

true.

He

from

I

I

went on

felt exquisite.

I

knew

it

was

had been so moved. to

spend quite a

bit of

time together.

me about light frequencies in relation to the human He humorously predicted personal events in my life that always evolved to be true. He was lovingly stern with me when I allowed my intellectual skepticism to block my growing "knowingness." He related story after story of our life together, pointing out other people we knew then who are part of my present incarnation. He examined what was karmically necessary for me to taught

—

body.

126

Dancing

work out with those

in the Light

He

people.

spoke calmly and evenly of

why

I

had chosen to have conflicts with certain people in order to understand myself and them more

my

He specified the areas of He warned me about my

fully.

growth that needed more work.

my

blindness in relation to some of the past-life incarnations

He

we had had

spoke of the vitamins

should have, the foods

I

together.

needed, the kind of exercise

I

was reading.

asked questions relating to everything from the personal

of Jesus Christ to whether

would ever meet

I

I

me

should stay away from, and even gave

his evaluation of the scripts I

I

and revealed some of

friends

my

mate

soul

life

in this

incarnation. What I learned from Ramtha would fill another book. But no matter how much I learned from him, he continually reminded me that / already knew all the answers. I mustn't

depend on him or any other be

my own

guide.

postponed one's own

in the it

for

knowledge.

I

must

my own

Guru-hopping could be fun, but

only

it

self-truth.

Ramtha was amusing, he had enjoyed

guide

should learn to trust and depend on

I

capability for awareness.

when he was

spiritual

fun, and loved to have a

body of J.Z. Often he would ask

when

he

was

good time

for

wine,

as

in the body. Several times he got

drunk and J.Z. was left with the residue of a hangover. His was an activating energy. He was not at all laid back and generalized.

He

could zero in on your personal

he was invading your privacy.

And

know about me. He brought up

events in

forgotten long ago.

He

questioned

life

me

my

you

childhood that

about

my

inner confusions, which no one could have known. to prove his credibility,

until

but to help ease

my

most

He

I

it

secrets,

all

anyway. From the

no games,

no need

astral

for

had

private

did this not

conflicts

through

discussion. It wasn't possible to conceal anything from him.

knew

felt

there was nothing he didn't

He

dimensions there were no

clandestine manipulation.

The

point of his spiritual education was to impart the truth that we

121

MacLaine

Shirley

We

were God.

were

as capable of

knowledge

as he.

There was no

No one was more advanced or evolved than anyone They might be only more aware. Ramtha became a spiritual friend, but he endeavored at every

pecking order. else.

meeting to help

me

spiritual friend.

In the

whenever

needed

I

my own

realize that

common

warning about dependency was entities

best

with

all

the spiritual

talked with.)

I

Now me when

in

New York was

I

on the

case, he

worked with

few years

a

whom

plane

astral

Tom

Ramtha came

later,

He

in trouble.

really

entities

I

my

meantime he would be there to help me long as I didn't become dependent. (The

as

it

higher self was

had learned to

I

to help

worked with other

often

In this

trust.

McPherson.

was about three weeks into the run

at the

Gershwin Thea-

The summer weather hadn't hit full blast until the third week in May. As always in New York when summer is hot outside, air conditioning is like winter inside. The theater was no exception. tre.

During the middle of system came on

my

caused

and

wings

I

was performing.

I

I

filled at

taken any medicine for years.

By

got a shawl from the

I

I

felt

the die had been

an all-night drugstore.

Why

the next afternoon

called

I

I

made

I

hadn't

the mistake of doing

it

How

could

I

was so weak from the antibiotics that

I

My

perform

throat felt better,

He

lifted

me

but

my

legs

were

.-*

Dominick picked me up walk.

go dry, cold, needed was a

don't know.

could hardly stand.

gone.

I

knew, waking him up, and he prescribed an antibiotic

rushed to have

I

throat

thing

took some preventive measures immediately.

which

I

the air-conditioning

temperature not only

my

last

and finished the performance, but

a doctor

I

in

felt

I

The

very raw and sore.

cold while

cast unless

then,

a performance,

and the change

muscles to seize up, but

finally

summer

full blast

at

into the car.

128

my

apartment, but

I

couldn't

Dancing

"How're you going I

when

in the Light

work

to

like this?"

he asked.

Maybe

sighed, very depressed. "I don't know.

get there. Don't

I

anyone,

tell

be better

it'll

okay.''"

"Okay." through a warm-up,

more

my

dragged myself to

I

be

I'd

right.

all

jumped

stretched and

I

dressing room.

Maybe

worked

It

if

I

could get

in reverse.

The

the weaker

to prepare myself,

I

became. The rapid blood flow only spread the antibiotics more

my

through

fully

The

system.

orchestra was tuning up.

and went to the

stage.

put on

I

my

opening costume

did one plie and collapsed behind the

I

curtain off to the side of the stage where no one could see me.

was conscious terrifying.

as

I

lay there, but

move my body.

heard people yell from

Then, I

It

I

was

couldn't even speak.

I

heard Michael Flowers calling for me.

I

unless

couldn't

I

as

I

my

dressing

lay there,

had help.

What

room

knew

I

kind of

couldn't answer.

I

that

I

wasn't there.

I

wouldn't be able to go on

I

put everything out of

help.'' I

my

mind and I called on Tom McPherson and Ramtha. "Come in and help me," I pleaded desperately. "You have my permission to infuse your energies with mine. Please come above I

me

and pick

waited ...

allowed

it.

Slowly,

ran through them. in

both of

my my

my

right leg.

head.

It

me I I I

legs, a It

up."

tried not to doubt. felt

my

found

I

They would be

A

arms energize.

could

lift

them. Then

I

felt a

kind of mellow, activating current.

didn't feel leaden anymore.

Then

the

myself to

my

stretched easily.

lifted

I

left leg.

there

if I

permeating glow

it

I

current

moved

slowly over

The same

ease

was

there. I

carefully pulled

looked above me, attempting to light aura of

dizziness left

see

feet.

what

I

I

felt

felt.

I

a dizziness.

I

visualized the

Ramtha and McPherson mingling with mine. The me. I shook myself all over. I felt my energy come 129

Shirley

MacLaine

walked to the backstage wings where every-

into an alignment.

I

one milled about,

trying to locate me.

me

Michael saw

first,

walking toward him.

"Are you

right?" he asked.

all

"You look

Where

different.

were you?" "I collapsed ily.

He

from those damn antibiotics,"

explained dream-

I

put his arm around me.

"Well, will you be able to go on?"

"Are you kidding?"

said,

I

almost as though

talking. "I've never missed a performance in

about to

my

me

weren't

it

and I'm not

life

now."

start

"Well, good," said Mike.

He

looked at

me

closely.

may not be doing it alone, though." "What do you mean?" he asked me expectantly. "Well," I said, "I've asked Ramtha and Tom McPherson "I

come

in

me

and help me. They are above

them. As soon otherwise I'd

as

right now.

they hovered close to me,

I

I

can

move

could

to

feel

again,

be in a heap behind that curtain over there."

still

Michael knew

all

about Ramtha and McPherson.

"Well, okay," said Mike, like a football coach before a game. "So we'll have a

little spiritual

energizing here, eh?

Can Ramtha

dance?" he asked with delight.

know, but

"I don't

Ramtha

will be holding

me

Michael kissed

warmed up with the overture over,

waited for

it

plies

to turn.

spotlight bathed

moment. The

me

know McPherson can be

me up and McPherson on the cheek

and stretching.

took

I

I

My in

my

My

I

think

gets to perform."

the overture began.

energy was

fine.

I

With

place behind the revolving piano and

cue came, the piano revealed me, and the

number

III

lights felt different.

measure the distance from where felt like a

as

funny.

I

surprise pink.

The sound was

stopped a I

couldn't

was to the front of the stage.

foreigner in strange territory.

150

I

off.

I

looked above myself

I

as

Dancing

though

to reconfirm that

my

in the Light

friends were there.

do

say, "It's all right. Relax. Let us I

had no other choice.

I

began to sing. To

belonged to someone

My

than usual.

else.

me my The

this.

Know

could

I

that

we

voice sounded as

stage under

me

familiar reality on the stage

I

feel

are here."

though

felt farther

knew

was

Apparently we did a good show.

to say.

of the effort

my

from

it

I

don't

remember any of

better than usual,

was learning that to sometimes

spiritual friends

gave up

I

I

show was

I

it.

am

had always liked to do things myself, regardless

I

took.

the sooner

fact,

was

knew

remarkably new but "homey" experience.

a

In fact, according to others, the

unhappy

I

it

away

so well

being infused with the reality of two other soul energies just as well. It

them

was no reflection on

my

am

"I

my

call

on help

capabilities. In

strong in the face of adversity"

streak, the better.

Michael said

I

took

my

bow and then

last

as

soon as the

came down I collapsed again. The energy of Ramtha and McPherson left me. Michael ran to me and picked me up in his curtain

six-feet-four-inch "I see they

matching arms. had another job to go to right away," he

laughing, knowing that

"Were we good

I

was

all

together.-*"

said,

right.

I

asked.

"Yes," he said, "but I'm glad they won't

let

you become

dependent."

Dominick had watched what happened from was

a religious

Every

man

(Catholic) and had been reading

now and then he would

tion or spiritual guidance.

enough of lifted

me

the wings.

his questions.

He

ask

me

a question

said the

my

He

book.

about reincarna-

Church wasn't answering

So we'd talk after the show. Michael

back into the car so Dominick could drive

was stretched out on the back

seat.

151

me home.

I

Shirley

"How most

MacLaine

did you perform like that?" he asked hesitantly,

though he didn't want

as

hear the answer.

to

"I

al-

don't

understand." "I

had some help,"

"Help.'' sat

I

all

answered.

I

From who?" He swallowed

hard.

up and leaned over the back of the

about Ramtha and McPherson. He

front seat.

I

told

him

He seemed

didn't flmch.

to

almost understand.

me

"So you're telling

around

fellas are

the time

all

these

that if

Ramtha and McPherson

you need them?" There was no

sarcasm in his voice.

"Yes,"

"And made

I

said. "That's right."

they used to have bodies and be alive on the earth."

He

a statement instead of asking.

"Yes."

"And

they might sometime decide to reincarnate again and

have bodies like us."

"Yes."

we pulled up in front of my building. Then he said, "You know why I believe what you're saying?" "Why." "Because about one month after my brother died, he came

He

hesitated as

one night to

me.

visit

explaining that he was

worry.

I

'Because

right and

should

I

tell

asked him why he didn't tell Dad Dad wouldn't understand. You do.'

Dominick shook thing

know he was standing next

I

all

is,

just that

his

day

I

time they

die,

when my

brother came to

understand

it.

friends helped

to

my

bed

father not to

himself.

He

said,

head with the memory. "And the funny

was looking

and the thought occurred to me,

why

my

if

flowers can

Nature does

can't people?

me

at the flowers

that night,

Maybe he could

help

you tonight. That's what

152

me

I

it

on our patio

come back all

guess

I

every

the time. So

was ready to

sometimes, like your

it's all

about,

isn't it?"

Dancing

in the Light

Dominick's simple eloquence was so much more to the point than

all

the metaphysical books

I

had read.

"Where can I read more about this, Shirley?" he asked. "You don't need to, Dominick. It's all inside of you. listen to

your feelings and trust them. You are unlimited.

Just

You

just

don't realize it."

He think

shook

my

his

head again and

driving you was an accident.

around and see how you put

Dominick helped me

C

"Wow. You know,

said,

I

think

I

needed to

I

don't

just be

this stuff into action." I

use vitamin

"And

don't try to

upstairs, suggesting that

rather than antibiotics to get rid of

my

cold.

do so much yourself," he chided me. "Let some other people help you, like you did tonight." I

was learning that lesson

I

would

in

more ways than

I

could keep up

with. like to relate

McPherson and Ramtha.

two more incidents that occurred with

First,

McPherson.

Before doing Terms of Endearment

,

I

hadn't acted in nearly

might have been good

three years. There

but

scripts around,

I

wasn't getting any.

Then Steven Spielberg wrote

me

and asked

to play the mother.

a

screenplay called Poltergeist

My

dream had been

to

work

me

with Spielberg because of his metaphysical proclivities. But to Poltergeist

Force and

was too I

didn't

marketplace.

Steven

seemed

I

So,

violent.

want after

couldn't do to be.

He

it,

It

exploited the negative side of the

to contribute to negative violence in the

many meetings and regardless of

what

discussions,

a stupid career

understood and said he had

a film

I

told

move

it

planned that

focused on the positive side of the Force about the love of a small

boy and an me.

When

extraterrestrial.

But there was no good part

he outlined the story to me,

I

said

I

in

it

for

thought E.T.

would be more successful because it gave people hope and was charming besides. He thanked me and promised we'd work to-

733

MacLaine

Shirley

gether someday

when we could emphasize

the positive aspects of

spiritual understanding.

Many of my associates and friends thought I was nuts to turn down Poltergeist, particularly in view of how my career was going at that time. It

grain of

my

was hard

for

me

to explain that

spiritual beliefs, because Out on

went against the

it

a Limb hadn't been

published yet. In any case,

I

had another session with McPherson to discuss

whether there was any hope

for

me

good part

to get another

in the

near future.

"you made some Brownie points with

"First of all," he said,

us

up here

in turning

down

Poltergeist.

It's

do

a

movies.''

I

fine for others to

film like that, but not for you."

"Great,"

mean, when

He

I

Tom, "but what about making

said to

will

I

get a good part?"

chuckled and

"Well, would two weeks be soon

said,

enough?"

know what

of course, didn't

I,

was nothing that

"You

will

I

knew

not even on the horizon.

of,

he said,

receive,"

he was talking about. There

"a very

script

fine

about a

mother-and-daughter relationship and the opening shot of the film will be that of a child's clown."

"A mother and daughter?"

I

asked.

"Quite right," he said confidently.

and you will win one of those golden statues took what he said with

I

later

I

from

received a call

Mengers.

it

was considered

I

your portrayal." salt.

of an agent

fireball

read

L.

Brooks, a

a risky art film

town, but she thought

Would

a

for

than a grain of

Two

weeks

named Sue

She said she had read a script about a mother and

daughter written by James said

less

be very popular

"It will

it

was

154

television.

She

by most of the studios in

brilliant

it?

man from and

just

right for

me.

Dancing

Immediately

There later,

I

is

thought of

I

met Jim

the next day,

Tom

week

a

in the Light

McPherson's prediction, read

later,

and the

rest

an additional twist to this story.

it

history.

is

When,

a

few weeks

discussed Terms of Endearment with Ramtha, he said,

"You

for another year and a half. The time is The financing will not be there and you are not yet ready. But it is true that when you do do it, you and the film will be greatly rewarded. Have patience. Do not be afraid." The timing worked out exactly as Ramtha had said. Studio

won't be doing this film not ripe yet.

after studio

walked away from the project believing that

it

was not

commercial and insisting that they would not allocate the

at all

amount of money Jim needed I

waited.

down

turned

I

ensuing time period so that

to shoot

it

on location

in Texas.

everything else that came up in the I

would be

trusting that

available,

what McPherson and Ramtha had

Paramount agreed

And when,

to

at

McPherson were

said would come to pass. Finally make it one and a half years later. last, we went into production, Ramtha and

there with

me, encouraging

me

to

"become"

me

discussing

Aurora Greenway.

Ramtha

also spent a

He was

Out on a Limb.

good deal of time with

unalterably opposed to

negativism in the original manuscript, even logical in the light of

am enough

this issue.

one thing. Ignoring

all

fairly

Choosing one's own path

too often, self-fulfilling.

contributes to

its

in positivity

is

sees

most profound

To

project the worst actually

happening.

too, eventually

came

lessons for

to this view. This has

me

since beginning

been one of the

my

metaphysical

Fear and negativity are not part of the future.

erasure of fear

I

hot arguments

another. Ramtha's view, though, was that prophe-

is

sies are, all

searching.

some

common-sense predictions of what one

around one

I,

projections of

what was happening on the world scene.

of a pragmatist to have had

with him on

my

when they seemed

and negativity are the future.

155

And

whatever

it

The takes

Shirley

MacLaine

to eliminate those concepts of consciousness, to,

will address

had to eliminate a great deal of

fear

in

could allow Out on a Limb to be published.

And

as

everyday before

I

life.

I

continues to progress

happier

I

am.

I

find that the

Fear has

perception, not a fact. Fear is

I

myself

not only in relation to global conflict but in relation to

still

because

become is

a

more

only what

1

allow

it.

ii6

to

perceive

it

know

it

I

myself

my

life

eliminate fear, the

non-reality

there sometimes, but in "reality" I

I

my

me.

is

a

to be. Yes,

it

is

It

only there

Ch aivtcr

A

s

7

my

time passed,

mother's

condition improved. She was determined to be well enough to attend

my

True during

my

closing night. to her prediction, she

and Dad arrived

next-to-last matinee performance. Sachi

Dominick had picked them up was performing on stage when I looked to

I

chairs

watching

me from

the wings.

remember. Dad and Mother front of

them

for support,

It

my

life

was

came

in

from

at the airport.

California again.

three of the most important people in

at the theater

stage

left

and saw

seated on folding

a picture

sitting erect, leaning

on

I'll

always

their canes in

and Sachi with her arms around them

from behind. Their three faces beamed;

The grandparents

reflecting

I

could almost hear their thoughts.

on what might have been had they not

raised a family in traditional fashion sat

with

stars

dancing

in her eyes,

and the granddaughter, who projecting that being a per-

former was what she wanted more than anything

137

else.

MacLaine

Shirley

There was

cherries

The

were decorated with bowls of

tables

and there was yet another carrot cake with "Love and

Light" spelled out in sugary ushers brought copies of

me

had

office

between shows, commemorating

a cast party in

the end of our run.

letters.

my

book

Many

to sign

of the stage crew and

and Danny

box

in the

we had

sign the statement of the house record

broken.

Many

who had

of the fans

stage door

came again

and

which poured out

letters

waited

every night at the

literally

for the last time.

They brought me

gifts

their feelings of appreciation for

my

advice on thinking positively.

Danny people

left

said ninety percent of the conversations he heard as

the theater had to do with reminding each other to think

positive.

Mom

and Dad and Sachi went out front to see the

Mom

performance.

last

and Dad were outfitted with the auxiliary

hearing devices provided by the theater.

Abzug were

Bella and Martin

Before the overture, last

time.

facing the fact that

York

again,

In

my

I

I

felt

I

my

was

I

become

walked one I

it

its

cue.

The

time to

last

a performance) smiled it

wondered

as

I

gazed around

at

me.

was the most

the rafters.

still

musician

back

had ever had to play in a Broadway house)

I

my

The scrim

intricate they

from other performers

New

looked above me.

face of each

music (the orchestra said

in

but

was over.

so comfortingly familiar.

them had missed the

I

for the

a six-week run,

As the show began,

lead pipe waiting for

The sweep of

from

would probably never do the show

red sequined pantsuit

rack had

(not one of

performing affirmations tired

an overwhelming sadness that

position behind the piano.

The light hung on a

did

was true that

It

there too.

lifted to

me how much

energy

lingered hauntingly in those rafters.

The magic was probably there for always. In a few hours our props would be physically dismantled and crated away in a truck

138

Dancing

to

make way

in the Light

but the magic of our energy

for the next performer,

would remain.

I

understood the show business adage of "lucky"

and "unlucky" houses.

And what was

luck.-*

than being aligned with positive energy. played resonated with those energies.

It

was nothing more

Every theater

could almost tangibly

I

feel

The communal experience of

the vibrations of past performers.

performance and appreciation, of jokes and laughter, of identification, of

had

I

and

tears

depth-plumbing drama and high-soaring com-

... all of it hung quivering with memories in the unseen ethers of every theater. No wonder theaters were houses of magic, engendering

edy, of thundering ovations and stone-silent attention still

where

star-struck awe. Theaters were

the fantasies of dreamers.

life

And without

was re-created to dreams,

how

fulfill

could

life

proceed.^

My

me and

cue came. The spotlight hit

I

was on

for the last

time.

looked

I

down

to the fourth

Sachi expectantly smiled up

who

I

was smiling

I

felt

I

did the show for them.

the

it

I

I

I

and Dad and

No

one knew

took the microphone and went to them the audience

asked

introduced them. Then

Tears gently slid live

Mom

at.

was over,

audience.

privacy and

what

center.

smiled back.

I

content and complete.

When in

row

me.

at

down

to

please

respect

their

sang songs to each of them.

I

their cheeks as they held hands. This

performing was

all

about.

It

came

was

from the heart and

was completely spontaneous, from the spectator's

as well as

the

performer's point of view. I

made my way back

to the stage,

the most fulfilling weeks of

my

life,

thanked everyone

for six of

and asked for the curtain to

descend.

Backstage, other.

the dancers and

The musicians

spilled

I

turned and applauded each

from the bandstand and embraced

139

us.

Shirley

MacLatne

Stagehands wiped dirty palms on their jeans and slapped us on the they began to dismantle. The wardrobe girls said the would never be the same as they hung our wet costumes. The lighting-booth guys winked the lights backstage on and off to remind us they were still there and would be again. Pictures and

back

as

theater

autographs were exchanged and

I

gave out closing-night presents

small diamond pins in the form of initials of everyone's name.

When

I

returned

to

my

dressing

my

room,

was

family

waiting.

Daddy looked up at me. His eyes filled with tears. "Well, Monkey," he said, "I wish I could find the words to describe how beautiful you were on that stage."

"Oh, darling," lovely

came from

I

people

Mother, "to

said

who was

a person

realize that

something so

part of us was thrilling."

had waited a long time for them to say that. The two

who had been

responsible for

childhood courage, and the struggle

proudly in front of

me and

my

said that their

my

formative training,

for belief in

dreams

myself now for

me had

sat

been

realized.

A

few moments

duced them

to

Mom

later Bella

and Martin walked

in.

I

intro-

and Dad.

"Well, Mr. Beaty, how did you enjoy your daughter.-'" asked Bella.

Daddy's mischievous twinkle returned to he said,

of

"first

all,

I

his eyes.

"Well,"

could hear everything she said.

Those

earphones out there are humdingers." "Earphones.^" asked Bella, not realizing she was walking into

one of his

traps.

"Certainly,"

said

work. But this one did.

"No,

why.-*"

"Because

"A

it

Daddy, "none of

You know

my

hearing aids ever

why.-*"

asked Bella. is

a

Republican hearing aid."

Republican hearing aid.^" she said, ready for battle.

140

Dancing

in the Light

"Sure," said Daddy. "If that old cowboy in the has one of these, no

"The

wonder he always has the

right answer.''" Bella's voice

"Why

right answer."

was slowly

Daddy, knowing

sure," said

White House

rising.

for certain that

he had her

going.

winked

I

"Now

she said,

Ira,"

funny, but Bella doesn't

—

Dad wouldn't

"Sure she does."

which

Bella looked confused, often.

to

I

my

threw up

my

change

in

mock

"you might think

that's

Mother. She shrugged her shoulders

at

embarrassment.

quit. is

not something I've seen

my

hands and went into

clothes.

There was no doubt about

were the leads in any room they played. The as well accept the fact that

We

left

I

my

Mom

and Dad

of us might just

bit players.

follow.

I

dismantled stage and blessed the empty seats in

knew Yet

would mingle and linger with

that our energy

who had preceded me, and everyone who

the energies of everyone

would

we were

it.

rest

room

the theater about three hours after the final curtain.

walked out on the house.

inner dressing

for

me,

as for

most performers, there was an

inevitable letdown.

My

family watched

as,

melancholy,

turned away from the

I

work light and into the shadows of the wings for the last time. They sensed that I lived another life when I was out there, a life dreams are made of. Dreams based on hard work and the struggle to

overcome the

being accepted.

fear of not

deeply embedded the fear had been in

and the following day. Or

where and how the

same

fear

fears still alive in

I

me

Live performing has a diate emotional reactions in

hadn't realized

how

until later that evening

should say,

had developed until

my

I

I

I

had not understood

was witness

to those

mother.

way of inspiring and provoking immesome people. Pent-up, long-suppressed

141

MacLaine

Shirley

moved by what you

feelings often erupt after having been

on

a stage, particularly if

me many

someone you know and

it is

happened

to

happened

to

lived her

dreams through me.

times, so

I

Mother. She had,

though, was that she

felt safe

wasn't

all

that surprised

own

by her

after all,

What brought me

enough

see live

love. It has

when

closer to her,

go completely.

to let herself

In her case, her loss of control probably added years to her

and

it

was a compliment that she did

Sachi and

Mom

Dad and

They were

still full

to the interplay

and with me. She had never

As

three of us.

really spent that

my

tea.

show. Sachi

between

my

parents

much time with

the

was riveted by the intense

a fledgling actress, she

emotion, and

me

my daughter, she was learning more me the way I was. The keenness of her

as

and what made

was second only to mine,

interest

apartment

at the

of their feelings in having seen

was paying close attention

about

were back

I

life,

because of me.

show, sitting down to a snack of corn muffins and

after the

familial

and

it

it

admission,

as

I

was beginning to under-

stand more and more my chosen karmic reasons for being a part of life

with

my

"These

mother and

father.

muffins are delicious.

was nothing

to the fact that there

Monkey," Dad

said,

else to eat in the

referring

apartment.

"I'm thankful for small favors. After Bird Brain's meals, this

is

a

feast."

Mother laughed and

more conversation

there was

relating to

Bird Brain's lack of culinary talent.

"But we know she "She entertains

us. Since

is

a

we

good and nice person," he went on. don't get out

much,

all

I

see are

your

mother's financial-wizard friends."

Mother looked up

at

him with

that "look" in her eyes. "Ira,"

she said, "I won't have you speak of I

seemed

was surprised to

at

it

friends that

way."

the intensity of her reaction,

understand that he had

maybe even done

my

on purpose.

I

hit a trigger point

wondered what

142

this

was

but

Dad

and had all

about.

Dancing

"My

friends are important to

understand them to

in the Light

"You

said Mother.

don't

because you haven't even taken the trouble

at all

know them. You

me,"

are always too busy humiliating

me

in front of

them." Sachi and

I

were astonished

how deeply

at

seemingly provoked by nothing. She was reacting to his intended

upset she was, far

too strongly

humor.

But Dad understood.

was almost

It

as

though he had made

knowing that the two of them needed a family audivent some of their repressed feelings. Yet right now I

the remark

ence to

didn't feel

my

I

wanted

hand on

my

to cope

with one of these familiar scenes.

I

put

mother's arm to try to calm her. She pulled

it

away.

"No," she pressed on. "Your by making bawdry jokes, and

Dad

I

my

father embarrasses

don't like

it

one

bit,

friends

not one bit."

smiled, chewed on his muffin, and decided to press his

point.

"Oh, Scotch," he anything but money.

said,

"those old biddies don't care about

interject a little

I

humor

just to

humanize

the situation."

He bered so

smiled maliciously and waited for her reaction.

many dinner

scenes from

my

childhood

as

I

I

remem-

watched yet

another reenactment of the way they "played" each other.

Mother straightened up

in her chair.

"Well, thank goodness

/

make out

all

am

interested in

the checks or the IRS

money.

/

have to

would come and put us

in

jail."

She wasn't making felt

and

a

melodramatic joke. She was serious.

that she was touching on

much more

Daddy turned to me. "The boss cents a week for allowance.

fifty

liquor in half a day.

I

here gives I

me

twelve dollars

could drink up that

wouldn't need a week.

much

And any blonde

could keep on that allowance wouldn't be worth keeping."

145

I

than money.

I

Shirley

was going to be

It

MacLaine

bumpy

a

Mother's eyes flashed.

ride.

could see her decide not to address

I

money

the "cheap blonde" remark. She preferred to discuss the situation. In one minute they had

tant subjects

—

managed

to enjoin seven impor-

money,

adultery, humiliation, friendship,

liquor,

the IRS, and incarceration.

down

Sachi put

her muffin, listening wide-eyed. This was

better than The Edge of Night.

Mother to

you don't care enough about us

raised her voice. "Ira,

keep track of the checks you write and what they're

have credit cards, like Visa leave me with And you know

—why

the problem.

The bank and

"Yes, and

"Oh, Scotch," appropriate.

me

drives

it

and apologize to the her name,

IRS

the

for.

You

No, you

will get us.

it."

do?" answered Daddy,

"I

don't you use them.-*

girls in the

"You know

smiling.

nickname

his

know

I

have to go

I'll

bank."

Daddy with an

said

implying that

They understand

still

wild because

intensified emphasis for her

on

was more than

the girls at the bank are your friends too.

you don't know anything about how to

that

handle money."

know how to handle money," Mother how because you are so careless."

"I do

to learn

thought

I

should interject. "Mother,"

I

I

shouted. "I had

began, "why don't

you have an accountant do your checks so you don't have about

worry

it?"

"An accountant?" the checks. like to

It

keeps

do? But

"Scotch,

if I

me

alert.

I

me. And

I

Why

live

a

to

like

making out

I do something I more attention to the

keep his records."

check a month,

it's

on twelve dollars and

do what the boss says."

144

I

shouldn't

father to pay

want him

make out

I'm only supposed to told

she said, outraged. "No,

want your

I

checks he makes out.

You

to

unusual.

fifty

I

know

cents a week.

Dancing

in the Light

But Mother was furious now and charged non sequitur. "Your room so

is

filthy," she said.

can't get in there to clean

I

keys.

"And he can never

know he spends his twelve dollars and why I won't give him any more."

I

looked over

I

at

Sachi.

fifty

it

all

day all

find his

cents on liquor.

She understood they were deadly

and the emotional

serious with each other, but the subject matter

gymnastics were making

sleep

up and the dust goes flying

it

over the house." She turned to me.

That's

into a marvelous

"You

difficult for her to take their quarreling

with equal seriousness.

was Daddy's turn.

It

this.

"I sleep all

day so

I

won't have to hear

Besides," he went on, "I was born tired, and every

morning

I

have a relapse."

"You

sleep

all

day because you are lazy and you leave every-

thing to me," countered Mother. "That's right," said Daddy. "In

about ambition and what to have

opinion of their

get

CD's or

my I

If

me

how

my

life.

It's

right nice not

the hell you go about puttin'

room,

I

would

either hear your

you and the old biddies talking about

their investments in the stock market. I'm just lucky

twelve dollars and

wondered

ing the

came out of

I

or I'd hear

old age I've thought a lot

can do to your

any more ambition than

on your shoes.

I

it

my

money

fifty

cents a week."

Warren had heard this conversation. Considermade and given to them, it was

if

that both of us had

unreal beyond words. I

felt

myself becoming involved now because somehow their

conversation was a reflection on us.

"why are you so worried about money? You know you have more than enough and there's more where that came from." "Mother,"

I

said quietly,

She leaned forward and said in just

want

all

seriousness, "Shirley, I'm

being careful. Anything could happen to you and Warren. to be sure

we

will be all right

145

when we

get old."

I

MacLaine

Shirley

was such a stunning remark

It

could barely respond. Her

I

reasoning was unique.

"But Mother,"

said,

I

When

eighty-one now.

She shrugged.

"I

trying to sound reasonable, "you are

do you think don't

you'll be old.-^"

old.

feel

don't want to feel old.

I

money keeps me young." Ohhhh, I thought, now we're getting

Playing with

"Your mother likes to play

back to Mother.

it.

with money," said Daddy. "She

around with the interest that

turned

I

likes to tinker

to

collects in the

it

bank."

"So you are interested

in

the

money." "It's

not the money," she said.

how. Besides, when I'm

learn

much

what

"It's

alert

I

I

can do with

it if I

can argue with your father

better."

Daddy laughed. "So

she meets with the old-biddy financial

experts and they talk about their checking accounts, and

when

they leave she argues with me."

"Yes," said Mother, "then you come in the room and humiliate

me

in front of

He

about money.

We

sit for

my

friends by saying that

never talks to

me

I

know anything

don't

unless he's humiliating me.

hours and say nothing until

my

come and then

friends

he embarrasses me." I

turned to Daddy, knowing that what Mother said was true.

"Well," said Daddy, tion and your I

mother

says

"I just try to I

make fun

turned back to Mother.

contribute some informa-

of her."

"Well, maybe you could learn

something more from him."

"No"

—

she shook her head defiantly

plicated things just sit

and

sit.

hear about that. that

— "they

talk about

com-

don't understand. Like trusts and things. So

I

I'm not interested in that I

don't want to hear about

much money." 146

stuff. it

I

I

don't want to

because

I

don't have

Dancing

"But Mother, you do have good time playing with it." She smiled. "Yes,

much money. And you have

that

a

fun."

it is

just sit. Participate in the conversation so

"So don't learn

in the Light

you can

more." Even to myself I sounded too logical to be understood.

"No," she

Your

said, "I don't

father will

just

I'm talking about and

was

It

want

me and

turn to

why should

I

mixed up with them.

to get

say

I

don't

know what

try.**"

a catch-22 conversation.

Sachi was blinking very fast now.

"So Grandmother," she said, trying to make sense out of

"why

all,

"No,

don't want to learn," she answered.

I

"Why

not.''"

"Because Sachi

asked Sachi.

have some rights of

I

my own," So

looking baffled.

hesitated,

mean, one of your rights

is

not to learn.''"

"You're darn right," said Mother.

bank and

learn

"Oh,"

money

it

don't you learn?"

I

from the

after all.

"I don't

girls there.

said, realizing that

asserted

my

mother.

followed up.

asked.

I

"I like to

go down

least it's a place to

perhaps

"You

we

to the

go."

weren't talking about

Mother continued.

want

know, the more

At

I

to learn

from your father because the more

argue with

he'll

me and

I

I

don't like to argue."

Oh, I see, I thought, so this is about competition. Sachi saw no way to contribute anything at this point. "But Mother," street for yourself.

to

I

said, "you've just

You're interested in money, but you only want

pursue your interest your

You the

manufactured a dead-end

own way

at the

bank with the

girls.

say Daddy doesn't talk to you, but you won't participate in money conversation at home so you have something to talk

about." I

lost

myself in a jungle of words that made no sense.

Mother

sat

back in her chair. She was involved with making

147

MacLaine

Shirley

points and needed to think over her next move.

knew

what he was doing and waited

just

"Your

father doesn't

want

to hear

for

Daddy

smiled.

about CD's. But sometimes

he goes to the bank to learn about them because he knows that die

know what

he won't

first,

safe-deposit box and

to do. So

This was mind-boggling. of death

game

—and

want

"Drive?"

gave him the keys to the

she had

I

woven

she would.

Mother went

done wrong?" in the subject

was

It

time to

stop

"Oh

I

And

I'm not going to

said, astonished

kind of

let

him do

I

so

I

it

I

might be

gave you?"

no," she answered proudly, "I like to drive friends

it."

and appalled. "Oh no! Mother,"

driving and use the car service

my own

see

a

on.

trying not to seem alarmist, "don't you think

said,

if I

to learn to drive again, too, but your father scares the

daylights out of me.

to

Now

Daddy had known

again. Shades of childhood. "I

I

the papers. So what have

all

He

it.

my own

car

can get away from your father's

humiliation." "Listen, Scotch," said

So what

is

there to get

She glared scare

say

me

I'll

at

Daddy,

"I sleep all the

away from?"

him with renewed

fire in

her eyes.

about the Cuisinart that Shirley gave us too.

chop up

a finger or

something.

I

bother with any of

your checks.

it

it

"You

try to

You

always

could save myself so

bother with chopping vegetables but he scares

I'm just not going to bother with

I

time anyway.

me

too

much

much. So

anymore. I'm not going to

anymore. Not your room, or your keys, or "

I

give up.

was getting desperate.

I

really

wanted them

to stop.

Sachi piped up. "Grandmother," she said, "you

know, those

I use them all the time." Mother ignored her and went on. "You know, we don't use your microwave oven either. Your father is scared to death of that.

Cuisinarts are easy to use.

And

he's

made me

scared of

it

too."

"But Mother, you allow him

148

to scare you,

because he's so

Dancing

in (he Light

frightened. Can't you see that? Fear

infectious, even if

is

it's

about

microwaves and Cuisinarts." "That's

right,"

Mother,

said

him anything

didn't teach

triumphant. she taught

at all,

man

than anything. So I'm going to find another

me

our house to help

"Are you going

mother

"If his

him

to fear better

to

come out

to

up the vegetables and work the oven."

cut

to get the

same man

to drive

you around?"

asked Daddy.

Now

was about jealousy.

it

"You're darned right," said Mother.

"You two

are really

something," said Sachi.

"Well," said Mother. got up and brought more hot tea and diet sodas. Nothing

I

was said while

much

point.

I

I

was out of the room. There wouldn't have been

was supposed

to be the referee

Daddy, however, seemed

points.

and add up the

to have elected

renely silent. That was unusual, but

to

remain

was because he realized

it

Mother was more emotional than usual tonight, and

work

it

would

to his advantage.

When begin.

I

enough

Daddy was going

to suspect

handed him a

glare.

"No, of course

He

to drink."

to

"throw"

glass of Diet Pepsi.

brandied Pepsi?" he asked with a twinkle.

"Is this

mock

returned, Sachi sat waiting for the next round to

I

was beginning

I

the fight.

a

se-

isn't,"

it

he said.

I

gave him

"I'm not old

took a sip and cleared his throat, heralding

an announcement.

"You know why "No,"

I

I

stopped drinking sometimes?" he asked.

answered, playing straight man.

"Because when liquor faster than

I

I

consider

can drink

it I

that

Seagrams can make their

realize

it's

an unfair contest."

Everybody laughed. Then nobody said anything.

"You know," he continued, had was on

a

hayride."

He

"the

tossed

149

first

drink of liquor

down some Diet

I

ever

Pepsi and

MacLaine

Shirley

added

"Of ..."

course,

throatily,

on hay rides

"Oh,

did lots of things for the

I

first

time

grumbled Mother.

Ira,"

"You know," I began, wanting to say something helpful how joyous their old age together could be if they would be more tolerant of each other. "I know you two love to fight, but

about

wouldn't

it

be better just to

another and have a good "Let

let

go of

all

your objections to one

time.-*"

asked Mother.

go.''"

go and have a good time." room go? Let the checks go.-*" "Well, maybe you shouldn't just let it go. Maybe you could stop bugging him. If he wants to sleep in a filthy room, let "Sure,"

said happily. "Just let

I

"Let his filthy, messy

just

him. Part of old age

"Well," she

is

that

you can

wouldn't be surprised that soon folks'

home. They say

about one that

they're

But

isn't.

I

I

to

you

there.

that's a little

ited,

it

voice was

I

haven't heard

was too pissed off to

I

fears.

—my

good and loud

—

seems.

I

wish you could see

how you

allay her

"don't you think

extreme? Your capacity for self-flagellation

under yourself.

I

like that."

Sachi looked at me, alarmed.

"Mother"

relax."

wouldn't want to go into an old

mean

might

go and

just let

gotten to that stage yet. But

said, "I haven't

is

unlim-

pull the rug out from

awful to watch."

It's

Mother knew what deep water we were "I don't agree

in

now.

with you," she answered commandingly.

"I

think I'm doing very well taking care of myself and getting over

my

operations and

all

my

broken bones."

She was missing the point.

"But why

are

you breaking your bones so much? You're

responsible for that happening.

"Of

course

it's

mixture of pride and

It's

not an accident."

not an accident," she said with a marvelous self-pity.

"My 130

bones are

brittle.

I

asked the

Dancing

doctor

he could remove the excess calcium, but he said he

if

couldn't. So

"Jesus,"

bones."

You

"Listen to you.

said.

I

interrupted. "She

"I hate

my

keep breaking

I

— and

Dad

in the Light

fell

in the

fall

bathroom

off the piss pot."

your vulgarity," said Mother. "And so does everyone

else." I

got a hold of myself. "Well, not everybody hates

more calmly. "But okay, you

a bit

your hip.

You

something

fell

off the toilet

fell

And now

about going to an old

home where

folks'

they'll

I

said

and you broke

another time and broke your shoulder.

and broke your wrist.

else

it,"

You

did

you're talking

break your

spirit.

Can't you see what you're doing to yourself?"

"Well," she

said, "if

completely incapacitated,

I

was

I'd

in

an old

want them

folks'

away those

life-

own mind

if it

to take

make up

sustaining devices. Ira will have to

home and became

his

happens to him."

"Thank you, Scotch," "But

Oh

I'd

want them

said Ira.

to stop

Jesus. Sachi stared at

mine," Mother finished.

me. Even though

it

was ridiculous,

the stark picture Mother painted so casually was painful for her

granddaughter.

It

didn't

seem

to faze

Daddy, though. Then Mother

turned on an emotional dime again and said, "You know. Dr.

would have

Stone said

I

But

oh no,

say,

I

It

was

I

to

won't.

walk with

Nobody

clear her survival

is

a cane for the rest of

my

life.

me down." intact. What was

going to get

instincts

were

disturbingly obvious was that she was determined to manufacture adversity so she could hone

them even

"Scotch," said Daddy, again, "you just

tell

feeling

me what bone

finer. it

was time

to

participate

you're going to break next and

I'll

be right there. We'll put a nice furry rug under the piss pot so

we

don't have to worry about that anymore."

151

Shirley

MacLaine

your vulgarity," screamed Mother again, "and so does

"I hate

everybody else."

Daddy winked

at

me

would

so she

see

His competitive

it.

cruelty was one for the books.

"You make

a

damned

fool of yourself in front of people," said

Mother, her voice suddenly quiet.

"I

don't like to see you do

that."

"Why.>"

1

"Because

make

love to

asked.

I

wouldn't

"I

And

love him, that's why.

I

don't like someone

I

a fool of themselves." call that love exactly,"

said. "I'd call that

I

being

concerned about appearances."

She waved her hand

at

me and

"What would you know

said,

about love?" felt

I

she hadn't realized what she'd said.

It

was

a line she

delivered almost as a throwaway.

know about

"/

self-sacrifice of a I

love,"

she stated

as

though the

long stormy marriage proved

could only shake

my

insistent

it.

head.

She went on then, apparently unstoppable, through a catalog of Dad's feelings and her All

own

sufferings.

of her recalled stories painted a picture of hilarious,

bizarre yet

intense involvement.

She was clearly outraged, yet

unable to seriously consider leaving him.

For two people

professed to be unable to live peacefully together,

who

they just as

obviously could not live peacefully without each other.

When me you

Mother's tirade was finished,

said,

"You always

told

loved him." She stared at me.

"I couldn't I

I

help that," she answered.

was floored. Sachi was

too.

Sachi said, conversationally, "This "Really,

darling?"

asked

After a pause for exhaustion, is

really interesting for

Mother

152

as

though

it

me."

had never

Dancing

in the Light

occurred to her that Sachi's perceptions were being rather painfully sharpened. "Yes, Grandmother," Sachi went on. "I've never heard people argue this

"Oh,"

way

said

before.

I

can usually follow

it

better."

Mother.

"Well, Sachi," said Daddy, "why do you think we argue so

much?"

him

Sachi looked at argue. "I

didn't,

I

think you think

argue because

my

and

directly

said,

"I

think you like to

keeps you alive."

it

have to save myself," said Mother. "If

I

I

ego would be destroyed."

"But you

fall for

his teasing,

Grandmother. You want him

to

make you angry." Sachi's sweet, uninvolved observation er's

seemed

to grab

Moth-

attention. "I do.'*"

asked Mother.

if you don't work that problem out, come back again until you do." Both Mother and Daddy stopped for a moment and thought.

"Yes," she said, "and you'll just have to

Dad spoke "But

first. I

thought when you come back everything

is

changed."

Sachi didn't hesitate. "It won't change to be better in the

next lifetime until you

work

it

out in this lifetime. That's what

progress is." I

was amazed

approach.

at Sachi's

And

they were listening.

She continued.

"The way

I

see

it.

Grandmother,

is

that

Granddaddy here

is

providing you with the opportunity to work out your problems of intolerance and judgment. like because "I

He

does so

many

things that you don't

you want him to."

want him

to humiliate

"Yes, you draw

it

to

progress along those lines.

me and

keep a dirty room.-*"

you because you know you need to

It's

so obvious that

133

you love each other

MacLaine

Shirley

and you chose to be together so you could work out

this stuff in

yourse/pes/'

"But why doesn't he

just stop

what

he's

me

doing that makes

mad?" asked Mother. "Well," said Sachi, "he probably would

if

you'd just stop

being mad. Until you stop that, he's going to keep on providing

you with the opportunity

to

grow

until

you do."

Sachi was giving me a lesson in objective clarity of thought!

"He's giving you a you're giving

hurts you.

Mom this

him

You

by putting you through

all this.

And

by helping him to understand that

each have to change

and Dad were halted

it

not each other."

yourselves,

in their tracks.

I

had never

tried

approach with them.

The

living

Mother turned

to

room was

"Do you

blissfully

silent

for

a

few minutes.

me. "Are you ashamed of me, Shirl?" she asked.

"Ashamed?"

answered.

I

"Why would

I

be ashamed?"

think I've said bad things about your daddy?"

"Sure you have,"

me

gift

a gift

I

answered. "I always remember you taking

me how difficult it was with Daddy Warren and me you'd leave him."

aside and telling

wasn't for

Finally Sachi said, "Boy, you

complicated past

just not

I've

going

Now

to

lives together."

been listening to him

do

it

My

got up and put

it's

too late for

for over fifty years

me

to

and I'm

anymore."

she suddenly started to cry. "I

person," she said. I

if it

two must have had some very

Mother's answer to that was, "Well,

change now.

and

must

God, where did

this

my arm

her.

around

really

be an awful

come from? "C'mon, Mother, why

do you say that?" "Because I

that's

hugged her

how

you're

close to

all

making me

me. "You

awful person."

lU

feel."

are trying to prove you're an

Dancing

better that

"It's

in the Light

don't talk.

I

Your daddy

can't

hear

me

anyway."

up and put her arms around Mother too. I looked Daddy, who coolly observed Mother as though he had seen

Sachi got

over at

thousand times before.

this a

"Daddy,

"

I

said,

"why

don't you

Mother why you love

tell

her.>"

He thumped Mother's tears

him and began to talk. As how he would waiting for her to come out of the

the pillow beside

slid

down

her cheeks, he described

be so proud sitting in the car

supermarket. All the other "old biddies" would emerge with their

messed up,

hair

didn't

fit

falling

tiny footsteps.

little

unkempt around

and they were slumped over

their faces. Their shoes

along with

as they shuffled

But when Mother walked out, she was a

queen, slim and trim, her hair styled and her walk proud and gliding.

The other women had "odors." There was never any of

that with Mother.

perfume.

He

of him,

how

cleaner than

She smelled nice, of Emeraude, her favorite

how

explained that he appreciated

my

apartment, and he told

how he

and never enjoyed eating out of those damn people

bumped

into

him and

When

I

knew what that meant. Then he said perhaps

she was feeling

sight

loved her cooking

He

asked

said he touched her shoulder every time he

damn

fool cafeterias

spilled his coffee.

he loved her a dozen times a day.

she

she had taken care

she kept the house so immaculate, a

where

said he told her

how he

did

it,

he

walked past her, and

left

out and alienated

because each one of the rest of us had had some honor bestowed on us and she was the only one

who

hadn't. That she should realize

that she had been the spark plug responsible for the success of

all

of us.

Then, out of earshot of Mother he said,

"I

think she very

much

as she

went

to the

regrets that she didn't

bathroom,

become

big-time actress. Hell," he added, "I could say the same thing

155

a

if I

MacLatne

Shirley

let

myself dwell on

psychology

it.

could have become a big-shot Ph.D. in

I

my

hadn't been for

if it

But that was over when

children.

another thought.

I

having to support a wife and got married.

had with you and Warren and your mother

I've

some

never gave

I

it

wouldn't have had one-tenth of the happiness

I

somewhere or

professional psychologist

Carnegie Hall. In some ways, your mother

is

if

had become

I

musician

a fine

at

philosophical, but in

others she's not."

Mother walked back

into the room.

had returned, he looked straight

money is concerned, it many fins on a Cadillac.

at

When

he saw that she

her and said, "As far as the

mean diddly squat. It's just so know why she is so paranoid." My stomach turned over. I remembered how he used to do the same thing with me. I remembered how maliciously gleeful he had seemed when he told me the story of tying the tails of a dog and

doesn't I

don't

watch them

together so he could

cat

He

horrified.

said

it

was

life.

And now

fight.

I

had been

he seemed to want Mother

to continue to fight.

But Mother didn't say anything. I

thought of how she used to

recite poetry to

me

with mellow

tones of inflection in her voice.

She

sat

down

carefully in her chair.

"You know,

Shirl," she

said in a completely reasonable tone of voice,

"you have no idea

what an

It

I'll

effect the

never forget.

myself unless

"And,"

it's

said

Depression had on people.

To on

this

day

I

can't

go

in

was something.

and buy

a dress for

sale."

Daddy, "she looks much

prettier

when

she's

dressed up than any of her friends."

"Oh,

Ira,

they don't even

fit

me when

I

buy them.

My

shoulders are too hunched over."

"Well, you don't have a belly

And

your legs are beautiful."

"My

legs are always breaking."

1^6

like the financial wizards do.

Dancing

"You know,"

Stood up.

I

over and

was

I

and

tired

it

in the Light

was

was

said, feeling that the third act

I

wish you wouldn't focus on

late, "I

much." "Well, you would be frightened,

the negative so

you had

too, if

a leg like

mine." I

began

"You're addicted to falling and

to clear the table.

hurting yourself." "If

again,

fall

I

"Mother"

—

think

I

go

I'd just

to

bed

looked her right in the eye

I

— "dogood." you want for

to

die?"

She stopped a

up

my mind I

moment and

thought. "I guess

I

made

haven't

yet," she said conversationally.

smiled.

Daddy

said,

know where

the

him. "The keys you've been making

me

"Well,

if

you decide

it's

yes,

I

keys are."

She looked up

at

search for in your filthy room.-^"

"Yep," he visit

me

in

my

smacking

said,

his lips,

"I just like to

have you

room."

Mother shrugged, suddenly smiling. Then, making one of her swift transitions, she turned to

and said slowly, thinking

it

things that's held your daddy and

memory

of the

first

night

we

wedding night." And stopped before. I

To me

it

memory. I

with a totally serious face

me

together

all

of the

these years

is

again. "I had never

known

the

"Our

spent together." She paused. a

man

was a marvel."

waited, thinking she might go on, but she simply repeated,

"That night was So

me

"You know, Shirk One

out,

I

a marvel," her

thoughts

thought she might be trying to

lost tell

asked her, rather hesitantly, "Mother,

it

somewhere

in her

me something

else.

must have been

a

marvel that lasted for more than one night?"

"Oh, of course," she viction, "but

when

it

said immediately,

was new

to

me

m

it

and with great con-

was wonderful."

Shirley

Daddy was watching

MacLaine

her delightedly, his

mouth tender and

mischief in his eye. Sachi's eyes were glued open. She had certainly never expected to hear her grandmother bring up so intimate a subject.

I

decided this was a good time to ask something

always wondered about and turned to

"Daddy,"

I

my

father.

"had you ever known

said,

I'd

a

woman

in

bed

before Mother.'*"

His smile broadened and he immediately picked up his pipe.

"Had

I

known

a

woman

in

bed before your mother?" he repeated,

using an easy joke-stall. I

nodded and Sachi leaned forward.

"Why,

no," said Daddy, busily examining his pipe, "but

women

that doesn't count the

had known on the floor."

I

Sachi howled along with me.

Mother knit her brows

at

our

noise and threw a lofty look at her husband, intent on holding our

making her own point. "So," she went on, imperviknown only one man in my life that way. And I'm glad. The memory of that night has always kept me from doing anyattention and ous, "I've

thing foolish."

Daddy tapped

his pipe against the ashtray, a familiar

ver to get the focus on

what he was about

not-so-subtle acting techniques

"Monkey," he to talk about

.

said, in that

me now

—and

.

to say.

maneu-

(Shades of

.)

way which meant we were going

specifically

my

about

sex

life.

"Have

you heard anything further from that Englishman Gerry that you wrote about? that part

I

wondered what

his reaction

where you told about

would be when he read

his penis floating in the bathtub.

That's getting pretty personal, you know." scene from Out on a Limb in which in a

tub while we talked and

floating gently

among

I

He was

referring to a

had described Gerry soaking

how amused

I

was by the penis

Mom,"

she said solemnly,

the bubbles.

Sachi batted her eyelashes. "Yeah,

158

Dancing

mine read

"a girlfriend of

bathtub with

lots

of

men

in the Light

that

and said she had been

the

but the penises she knew never floated."

Mother's hand flew to her mouth intake of

in

laughed on a large

as she

air.

"What

did Sachi say?"

what she had Very

Daddy

knowing

asked,

perfectly well

said.

and somewhat louder, Sachi repeated her

seriously,

remark. Equally grave, Ira Beaty regarded his granddaughter, and judiciously responded, "I can understand that."

Somewhat bemused. Mother chimed

in,

"Well. Well, do you

think Gerry was proud of your writing about him?

men

An

awful

lot

of

would be proud."

"Grandmother,"

Mother wrote

Mother shrieked. wouldn't

"how could he be proud when

said Sachi,

that his penis only floated?"

know about

When

she subsided

she said,

known

Now

that. I've only

again. "It was probably stupid of

one."

"Well,

I

she shrugged

me."

Daddy took a long drag on his pipe. "Well, maybe," he said, "but when people ask me what I do best I always say, 'Look at my children and you'd know the answer to that. Obviously I do my best work in bed.' "Oh, ened up

go

to

Mother

Ira,"

as

said, "you're really awful."

though she had had enough.

think

I'll

die

if I

don't

bed now."

Sachi and

I

helped her up and into the guest room, where

they would sleep together.

work

"I

She straight-

for

them

I

wondered how the double bed would

since they had arranged their

homemade

truce to

include not only separate beds but separate bedrooms.

We bought I

it

helped her into her pink filmy nightgown.

on

sale for the trip to

remembered

New

that she had given

159

York. As

me

a

I

She had

helped dress her,

nightgown

for

Christmas

MacLaine

Shirley

every year for as long as

We Mother

I

could remember.

helped her into bed.

hesitated.

your father,

"What

"I just

want him

I

want

have never been able

leaned over to kiss her.

Sachi

to say that after all I've

do four things

to

are they, Mother.^"

She moistened her dry

want him

I

why.

to figure out

lips

I

for

done

for

me."

asked.

and formed her words

carefully. "I

me

in front of up my friends with his bawdry humor, stop drinking, and keep a record of the checks he makes out." to clean

his

"Yes, Mother,"

I

room, stop humiliating

Now

"Okay, we got the point.

said.

please

stop fussing."

She

sat

up

bed and began to cry again.

in

She looked up "Don't

let

fine. It's

me

at

upset you.

not important.

me

Sachi and

and, incredibly, she said,

You two leave me here You need your rest."

"Grandmother," Sachi

said loudly,

to cry.

"you can't do

this to us.

You're telling us to leave you like this? You're not being are too manipulative. I'm not

going to bed until

I

will be

I

fair.

see that

You

you

are

right."

all

Sachi shocked Mother, both with her logic and her firmness.

"Oh," she tell

said,

I

said.

And

don't

let

out there in the living room by himself. That's to

go

to

bed

early,

just

go and

him have

a drink

and stopped crying. "Then you

your grandfather what

why

he wants

me

you know."

"Okay, Grandmother,"

said Sachi, "I think everybody

would

some peace and quiet now. You have a good sleep and remember how much we love you. I've got to go back to California early tomorrow morning, but I'll call you when I get there. I love you. Grandmother." "I love you too," said Mother. "Have a good trip, darling." Then she turned and looked at me. "You were so wonderful

like

tonight, Shirl.

It

was breathtaking."

160

Dancing

"Thank you, Mother,"

when

I

in the Light

"Oh,

it

was wonderful," she

hand.

Don't

I

He

man

in

reached back and squeezed

was so proud to be your mother. Now, you run along. anything

let

"and there was one

said,

the row in front of us from Canada.

my

"Did you love the audience

said.

they recognized you?"

interfere

with the work you have to do

tomorrow." I

kissed her and Sachi turned out the light by her bed and

I

fell

we

left.

asleep marveling at the freedom with

could express her comfortable and

fears,

"work"

At

and anxieties when she

felt

dad's reaction to her behavior was as impressive

Dad were

know

to each other

would be most

I

mother

had been.

Neither of them could she and

my

safe.

Of course my as she herself

frustrations,

which

it,

but trying to analyze what

me would become

and to

interested in for the rest of the

breakfast the next morning,

Dad decided

the

summer.

that Mother's

"emotionalism" the night before had been caused by some chocolate she

had eaten

"Chocolate

is

in the dressing

worse

for

room.

your mother than strychnine," he

said, cheerfully ignoring his contribution of a

when

she was

still in

gooey chocolate cake

the hospital.

Mother, however, was mortified. "I'm so sorry, Shirl," she said,

genuinely upset with herself. As difficult and alarming

had been,

I

tried to explain the positive aspects of

"Mom,"

I

of your system.

said, "it

was so important

You made

you would expose yourself

"Oh," she

Sachi and

for

me

feel

as

it

it.

you to get

it all

out

very loved because

like that in front of us."

said, "I never

thought of

all right.^"

161

it

that way.

It really

was

MacLaine

Shirley

"Yes,

good

Mom.

was more than

It

There

for all of us.

all

more

are

was necessary and

right. It

positive aspects to expressing

yourself than negative."

"Gosh, Shirl," she

said, "I

was always taught to control

emotions and not upset anyone with what

"Well,"

said,

I

"you don't have

"Thank you, darling," she

said.

to

my

was feeling."

I

do that anymore."

"Thank you

understand-

for

ing. It's a nice feeling to be able to be myself."

She then shot an acerbic glance "So,"

them

for

I

continued,

"let's forget

at

Dad.

about

it."

I

looked at both of

agreement.

They nodded That was

like mischievous, chastized children.

We

that.

venom

dismissed the

night and went on to talk about

how

difficult

How

sometimes they

ness.

Each worried about the other driving

felt like

it

of the previous

was to grow old.

children because of their helpless-

and yet each

a car,

needed their private places to escape from the intensity of being in

They agreed that the one who died first had "the better end of the bargain." The bargain, I presumed, was their marriage. Both of them agreed that their own families had the house with each other.

conditioned their thinking patterns, and as in their

backgrounds, we

of politics.

Both of them had developed

were based on resistance

form of

And

"Well,"

are

the values

values

political

In Dad,

this

which

took the

anticommunist stance.

bullies,"

said

Dad, "and

I

don't

like

don't believe anyone else does either."

I

United States

I

said, "a lot of

is

at least

"Yes,"

I

said,

we want

"Well," he

people around the world think the

nothing but a big bully."

"Well,

too, if

domination.

to

a violently prejudiced

"The Russians bullies.

we explored

found ourselves drifting into the subject

we can

vote for our bullies," he said, chuckling.

"and we have the right to be communists here,

to be.

That

said, "that

is

what freedom

freedom

162

is

is all

about."

causing our Congress and

Dancing

in the Light

our courts and our taxes and even our Supreme Court to dictate to us the Russian I

way of thinking."

laughed out loud. This was so flagrantly absurd that

it

wasn't even good for one of our flaming political arguments.

"You must be kidding," I said. "A communist Congress and Supreme Court with Ronald Reagan f "Well,

with

force

why

that's

agree with the cowboy. Fight Russian

1

Otherwise we'll be doomed to

force.

"You mean on twelve

and

dollars

live like

they do."

cents a

week?"

fifty

I

asked.

And

your news-media friends,

on television

this country

Why

ever any

isn't there

Good news." "Then maybe never said,

tells

me

mother boss

"I'd rather have your

bitch bully.

like

some kind of

good news? That's what

they portray

terrible place? I'd like to see.

you'd be happier in Russia. The news media

the truth there."

"Would you

it's

than some son-of-a-

why do

I

thought to myself

accept a socialist or

for a

communist

moment and

society if

it

was

voted in by the people?"

"God, no," battered into I

it

said

Daddy, "because they would have been

without realizing

it."

sighed, speculating that probably a lot of people in America

had the same point of view. "Daddy?"

I

asked,

"why

are

you

so

disproportionately paranoid about the Soviet Union?"

It

"I told

you," he said staunchly,

"Well,

who

bullied you so

"I don't like bullies."

much

that you're so resistant to

)"

"My

mother."

"That's right," said Mother. "I told you. His mother taught

your father afraid of

how

anything

to fear better than

communists

that

for years just because she

I

couldn't write to

knew

"Yeah, and that guy was a

a

else.

my

Why,

he's so

best girlfriend

communist."

damn 165

fool," said

Daddy. "A damn

MacLaine

Shirley

fool

who was

editor of that

damn

fool

Why,

magazine.

your friend

even got conned into going to Moscow."

Moscow?" I asked. "I've been to Moscow. Lots of people have been to Moscow, but that doesn't make them communists." "What's wrong with going

"Lordy,

know

I

to

that," said

Daddy.

got invited to the

"I

Russian Embassy in Washington once and I'm sure the FBI has

my

picture in a

somewhere."

file

"Oh, Daddy,"

commies

afraid of, the

"now, who

said, exasperated,

I

are

you more

or the FBI.-'"

"Well, the FBI doesn't intend to do away with the family

and the churches and leave "Still, there are a lot

up

life

to the

government experts."

of people sitting in the Kremlin

who

are

just as afraid of us."

"Yes," he said, considering what smile began to play on his face.

I

said, "I've

"And

we

since

heard that."

A

are discussing

Russia and what they think over there, you ought to consider the you've been under the influence of a Russian for some

fact that

time now." I

ence of a Russian?"

mind

"Me? Under

stared at him, genuinely astonished. I

didn't

know what he was

raced to the Russian ballet dancers

mean?"

"You know who,

"No

I

don't,"

"Your

talking about.

knew.

"Who

My

do you

"What Russian?"

asked.

I

I

the influ-

friend

I

—

"

he said mischievously.

said.

"Honestly."

what's his name, Vassy?

We

met him when

he lived with you in Malibu."

Oh

no,

the Russian later,

I

I

thought.

I

was with, but

he was prepared to

"Daddy,"

had wondered what Dad thought about

I

said,

the influence of me.

let

it

me

never came up.

have

Now,

four years

it.

trying to remain calm, "Vassy was under

He was

the one living in America, driving

164

Dancing

as

a free

Just be-

life.

Russian doesn't make them a communist."

is

"Well," said Daddy,

dime

Light

the

Hollywood and enjoying

convertible cars in

cause a person

m

Mother's

reasoning turning as easily on a

his

know

"you

did,

that

all

Russians

enjoy

They are dedicated to suffering. That's probably why they have the government they do." Well, I thought, he might have a point there. I got up and looked out the window, down First Avenue. Vassy had loved New York. He said he'd never be able to live in New York City sadness.

without thinking of me. Memories of our time together flooded back to me.

Yes, in that respect

Suffering.-'

right about Vassy.

my

But

What

could be as well.

I

guess

Daddy was

goodness, what a joy his Russian soul

a tearing,

happy, consuming experience

our relationship had been. But none of what went on had anything to

do with

political ideology. If there

dead than Red,

it

was Vassy. No,

it

was anyone who'd rather be was

his Russianness that

had

fascinated me.

"Daddy,"

began, "don't you

I

haunted by Russia

all

my

know

that I've been

"Now, what do you mean. Monkey?" he "I

don't know,"

I

said,

"it's

asked.

always been there with me.

Their music, their language, their food, their humor I

somehow understand

inevitable that if

you want

it.

feels

It

familiar

would meet Vassy. And

I

to

know,

I

somehow

life?"

I

to

—

me.

can't explain

their soul. It

seemed

why. And

think you have some of the same feelings

about Russia or you wouldn't be so involved with your prejudice about the place."

"What "Well,

are I

you getting at?" he asked, genuinely interested. think maybe

all

of us lived there once,"

simply.

"You mean in another life?" "Yes, I mean in another life."

"Who

is all

of us?" he asked.

165

I

said

MacLaine

Shirley

"Our family," I said. Mother looked on with eyes wide, remembering the

conflict

about Russia with her girlfriend.

"And,"

I

went on, "look

Warren with

at

his

magnificent

obsession with John Reed and the hopes for the Russian Revolu-

That was such

tion.

Now, where do you

a creative obsession that he

think

all this

you say there might be more

"Monkey," he and George

mind and your

eyes,

mean, wouldn't

Christ, Peter be the Baptist,

from Goldsborough

—when

it

comes

to your

you can make anything seem possible."

"Well, with the way it's

H.

I

meets the eye?"

to this than

said, "Jesus

W. God

comes from?

produced Reds.

my

mind's eye

is

working these days,

possible."

"Yes," he said, lighting one of his pipes, "anything

"Funny"

—

I

what Vassy used "Well,

let's

smiled and sighed to

"Wait

a

possible."

exactly

is

more than anything else." hear about him," said Daddy, preparing

to say

entertained by one of

I

is

— myself "that

my

to be

love affairs.

minute," said Mother,

waited until they were

all

"I

settled

166

want

to get

some

tea."

and told them the

story.

Parr Tivo

The Dmcc of

Male ma RmAe

Cluvtcr 8

F

i roi rom the very beginning, and

I

both believed we had known each other in

previous lifetime. For that reason as well as spiritually compatible.

The concepts

that

I

many

at

Vassy

one

least

others,

we were

was exploring were not

among many

foreign to him. In fact, they were quite traditional

Russians.

Yet our relationship was colorfully embattled because our personalities were diametrically opposed.

middle name was suffering and creative

Dad was

right.

conflict, while

Vassy

s

mine was

optimism and positive thinking. The combustion of the two of us together

made

it

impossible to believe that our intense relation-

ship was entirely new.

karmic experience.

We

We

each

knew we were involved

in

believed the intensity existed because

a

we

were drawn to work out unresolved aspects, not only with each other but also in ourselves, which the other inspired.

We

often spoke of literature being abundant in expressing

169

Shirley

relationships of love,

MacLaine

and fundamentally

familial conflict,

hate,

profound feelings of loneliness, jealousy, power, greed, helpless-

and so on.

ness,

was

really

We

that great literature was epic because

felt

about karma.

We

believed the experience of

was only about working out those

human

other

its

know

purpose

that.

memory

life itself

conflicts within ourselves, using

souls as the catalyst.

we

So, for example,

has

it

—

its

believed each love affair

reasons for occurring.

The chemistry

And on

that draws us to

of having experienced

them

we

a soul level,

someone

before,

experience

is

we

really the

and understanding

that there are unresolved areas that need to be concluded.

But

Our love affair validated that truth very we found ourselves caught up in the

clearly in

our view.

throes of the joyful

as

embattlement, we often forgot the

conflict of loving male-female

fundamental mystique of our attraction

in the first place.

On

other hand, perhaps living completely in the now was the only

we could work

out our problems together. In the end, the prob-

lems were not about each other. They were about believe

all

the

way

ourselves,

as

I

conflicts are.

What

each of us more than anything was the

fascinated

undeniable truth that our relationship was analogous to the conthat Russians and Americans were experiencing with each

flicts

other on a global level.

Our

relationship was a

microcosm of those

misunderstandings and cultural differences. But more than that, each of us experienced the conflicts of the male and female energy existent in each of us.

Let I

me

was

begin with our

frantically

Voight called and a friend of his (his real

initial

winding up making

insisted that

whom

name was

I

meeting.

I

see a

a Russian filmmaker,

Okhlopkhov-Medvedjatnikov

just as complicated).

170

movie when actor Jon

work by

will call Vassily

but brilliant.

a

Jon

said the film

was long

Dancing

in the Light

pleaded exhaustion and said

I

I

wasn't interested in a ponder-

ous Russian film.

Jon said, "I know, but you'll see something deeply moving. Come. I want you to meet Vassy. Please, do it for me."

On

that basis,

went.

I

Driving along the freeway toward the San Fernando Valley, should have realized what was about to happen

mind this

after the insanity of the

movie

set.

Russian filmmaker could possibly be

when

Russians

I

was

in the ballet;

I

I

as

tried to picture

like.

I

my

relaxed

I

I

what

had known many

was familiar with and amused

by the colorful explosiveness that underlined their

and

lives,

attracted to the passion and deeply felt sensitivity they expressed in their creative arts.

A

swam

picture of the Russian director

drove.

I

was bemused by the

geous,

I

thought to myself.

The

figure

rather tawny-skinned

my mind

clear definition of the image.

imagined was very

I

into

He was

clear.

as

I

Outra-

a tall,

lean,

man with high Mongolian cheekbones and eyes. He was smil-

deep brown, fawnlike, almost almond-shaped ing with a broad,

impressive

Why

array

full-toothed grin

revealing

engineered to present

white teeth, an

"perfect

imperfection."

such a sophisticated dental allusion occurred to me,

imagine.

couldn't

This imposing-looking imaginary male wore a brown

leather jacket over loose-fitting blue jeans

my

because his hips were slim. In front of

I

my

car as

I

was directed

head

I

which were not snug saw him standing

to projection

room

1.

Brown

in

hair

crept over the collar of the leather jacket and every so often he

swept hair back from his forehead with a circular movement. All of this flashed in traffic I

my mind

as

negotiated the evening

I

on the freeway. pulled up to the gate at Universal and asked where the

screening of the Russian film was because

111

I

couldn't

remember

the

MacLaine

Shirley

The cop

man's name. coincidence,

I

rounded the

I

front of

my

car

alley looking for

was

a tall, lean

He

man

He was

loose-fitting blue jeans.

someone.

room

the gate said projection

at

1!

A

thought to myself.

when there in the street in brown leather jacket and

it

in a

obviously standing in wait for

man

looked exactly like the

had "imagined."

I

I

could see the high-cheekboned structure of his head, although aviator dark glasses concealed the eyes. Impatiently, with a curved

motion, he swept his fingers through his

hair.

wondered what

I

the hell was going on while emerging nonchalantly from the car.

He

rushed to help

though he wanted

me

out of

directly into his eyes.

it,

whipping

me.

a clearer look at

I

off his glasses as

thanked him and looked

had the definite feeling that

I

I

knew him.

"Mrs. MacLaine?" he asked in that way that foreigners do

when

they're not really sure

"Hello,"

"No

I

answered.

worry," he

are ready.

am

I

"Yes,

I

said.

"I

how

to address one.

hope I'm not

"Thank you

for

but we shot late."

late,

coming. People inside

director of movie."

know,"

I

answered, realizing

sounded familiar. "I'm hungry.

Is

there

as

I

spoke that he even

some food around?"

"Of course," he said, and with a flourish like a general he commanded a gofer to "bring me whatever is available." Jon had told me the man was very Russian, whatever that might mean. I wondered how he had gotten permission to come and work in the U.S.

He

ushered

me

into the projection

Queen of England and he the remember his name. No matter.

room

as

Prince Consort. I

though I

I

were the

was trying

to

wouldn't have to introduce him

was the guest, and I liked him immediately. His flair commanding tickled me. Once inside the screening room, he walked back to the chair

to anyone. / for

with the sound controls and waited where.

I,

for

me

to take a seat

without hesitation, walked back over to him and

112

some-

said, "I

Dancing

want rose

in the Light

He seemed

to sit beside you."

and greeted everyone

making of the film (which had

told us a little about the

lish,

Then he

clearly delighted.

charmingly halting Russianese Eng-

in

taken two and a half years and ran three and a half hours), sat

down, and directed the

The

projectionist to begin.

went down.

lights

pulled out

I

my

cigarettes

and he,

He smoked it compulsmoke do. Every once in a while, film unfolded, he would smoke and cough and then clear

without asking, reached over and took one. sively as people as the

his throat as

The said

And

don't often

though

my

were

it

credits told

over in

it

who

me

a mistake.

all

his

name once

mind, trying

the film that unfolded assured

was indeed

brilliant. It

again. Medvedjatnikov.

to rehearse

me

it

so

I

Jon had been

that

I

wouldn't forget. right. It

was grand, personal, sweepingly moving,

dramatic, and in parts, funny and strangely mystical.

But what was

my

rately describe

name

I

can't

still

than uncanny.

—and —was

weird

really

reaction to

it

like

cannot accu-

me.

had of myself, but she moved

move! Her

expressions and

she was unsure of herself

my own

I

It

whose

was more

was downright disturbing. Not only did she

It I

invading

day

that the leading lady,

remember, looked exactly

repeat the image facial

to this

made me

privacy.

It

as

imagine

I

I

way of cocking her head when feel as

I

watched her that

was more than watching

I

was

a reflection

of myself.

When He

the lights

had smoked the

came up, last

diplomatic way of asking

I

turned to face Medvedjatnikov.

tried to find a my cigarettes. about my screen image, but he didn't

of

I

even wait for a question.

"You

see, Sheerlee,"

he began, rolling

my name

out with his

altogether charming accent, "I have been trying to contact you for

twelve years. Excuse me, but you have been as an obsession for

me.

I

don't

know why.

Therefore

looking as you. All."

173

all

my

leading

women

are

Shirley

He

broke out in a wide, dazzling grin.

tened and

flattered.

"Twelve years?"

list.

I

I

shut

and need time

flat-

mouth.

when you

useful

is

to sort things out.

true," said Medvedjatnikov.

is

my

Repetition

repeated.

can't find anything to say

"That

was equally

I

had heard of put-ons, come-ons, lead-ons

I

before, but this one headed the

who

MacLaine

my

"Ask any of

friends

perhaps you will come to know." Jesus, he didn't waste any time.

"Yes, well,"

What do you

I

murmured, "your distributor.

Russian film? But I'm told he was right.

Yes,

quite wonderful.

is

plan to do with it?"

want American

"I

film

village in Siberia

is

like

The

Is difficult.

Russian Roots.

film traced the

Who Is

wants to

see

that not true?"

life

of a Russian

from the turn of the century, through both world

wars, and into the 1970s, exploring the lives and feelings of the village people as they found themselves thrust into the technological future of revolutionary Russia.

gandistic.

On

the contrary,

it

It

was not particularly propa-

was human and touching

in that

it

expressed the bewilderment of the villagers as they found themselves

pummeled and shaken by

revolution and

their country's

entry into the events of the world.

As

I

talked with Medvedjatnikov about the film,

was hearing

a point of

view about Russia that

I

I

realized

I

had not been

exposed to before.

"And,"

I

said,

"have you

left

Russia and brought your film

with you?" "Left Russia?"

He

was rather astonished. "Never.

It

is

my

I am Russian. I am not defector. I am not even dissident. am filmmaker who wants to be free to make films in West."

country. I

I

looked at him suspiciously.

"I will

How

could anyone do that?

meet with immigration people next week

cation of visa

— H-1

visa

—and

soon, God's willing,

order."

174

for reappli-

all

will be in

Dancing in

I

the Light

had the clear impression that whatever needed to be maneu-

vered he would accomplish, simply because of the certainty of his

commanding vitality. why are you able to

boundless,

"Well,

Union?"

travel in

and out of the Soviet

asked. "Isn't that quite unusual?"

I

"Unusual maybe, but not

illegal.

Besides," he went on, "I

have French wife and, therefore, half-French daughter. Authorities

me

cannot prevent

from seeing family

in

And

France.

have

I

studied Russian constitution as lawyer and, understanding what

you

fine print,

call

Many

even unusual. Russia.

Of

known

in

my

He

He

who have married

is

me

more I

am

Maybe

not

foreigners can leave

difficult because

I

am

very well

persistent and, God's willing,

I

like to direct you."

middle of

in the

yawn which

a

was very curious and very

I

was trying

to

tired.

"Of course, your shootexhausting. But could you make some time for

are free for dinner?" he asked.

ing schedule It

would

possibilities.

smiled.

"You me?

me

country. But I

caught I

simply follow the

people

course, for

will succeed.

cover up.

I

is

has been a long time for

"I'm sorry,"

I

are nearly finished.

to finally contact

have an early

said, "I

And

me

call in

you."

the morning.

We

have a difficult scene tomorrow. This

I

film has not been the easiest one I've made. So

maybe some other

time." "Unfortunately,

I

am

leaving

for

Paris

on the weekend.

Perhaps tomorrow night?"

He

flashed that full-toothed smile again.

"Tomorrow night?" "If

you

I

considered.

please, yes. Please."

His man-child approach combined with fidence

to

overweaning con-

amused me.

"Okay,"

up

his

my

I

said, realizing

ankles.

I

I

was already into something unusual

knew myself 175

well

enough

to

know

I

was

Shirley

interested in getting in

up

to

MacLatne

my

Why

neck.

not,

I

thought. So

I

added, "Where?"

am

"I

living Chateau

Marmont.

I

will be waiting in lobby at

eight o'clock.^"

"Okay." Medvedjatnikov laughed and clapped joy. call

Then he announced

me

Much

Vassy.

"I am Vassy. Please You make me happy." He gave the

in a throaty voice,

easier.

impression that he could barely keep both

My

God,

but

affairs,

thought.

I

I

if

I

going

to be a

whole other order of energy.

I

put on

my

and mine

as

person.

am

I

let this

develop,

it

was

driving glasses to effect a shield between his eyes

he led

"Sheerlee,"

on the ground.

feet

had had some experience with love

could see right away that

I

hands with childish

his

me

to the car.

he said,

so happy.

smiling broadly,

And

so

"you are wondtduX

happy that you loved

my

film so

much."

His voice was sincere and husky thought, but probably vodka husky.

—

And

not whiskey I

also

husky,

I

had the impres-

sion that he was not unused to screaming.

I

picked up Vassy in the lobby of the Chateau

following night. jacket.

In

its

He wore

the same blue jeans

place was a jacket

made out

Marmont

minus

the

his leather

of soft blue

denim

material.

He

smiled

at

my

entrance and stood up formally, his torso

leaning slightly forward over his hips.

"Thank you, Sheerlee," he said with that well-schooled, boyish charm which I was sure was just as genuine as it was calculated. "You are so sweet because I know you are so busy with your filming." "Yes,"

I

said,

"well,

never mind.

176

I

am happy

to tell

you

Dancing

more of what

in the Light

mode

think of your film and maybe suggest a

I

of

distribution."

His dazzhng smile dissolved "Yes," he said, "may I

we

discuss.-*"

nodded.

"And where would you know,"

"I don't

I

prefer

said, "it's

eat.-*"

up

to you."

have prepared reservations at a small French restaurant.

"I

We

to professional seriousness.

take car and then walk."

We

slid into

"You

like

even

"I don't

know

"I just

it

my

rented car, which he eyed carefully.

Datsun?" he asked.

know what make

this

has four wheels and gets

gave up owning cars years ago.

I

frankly,"

is,

me where

travel so

much

I

answered.

I

want

to go.

I

they always ended

up going on the blink." "Blink.^" he said. "Excuse me.^"

"Never mind,"

I

He

to park near a restaurant

directed

me

said. "Let's eat."

with a sign so small

it

was hardly

menu, though, that didn't include way around Hollywood. "So,

how

long have you been

There was

He seemed

prices.

here.-^"

which had palm

into the restaurant,

on Sunset Boulevard

visible outside.

know

his

we walked

asked, as

I

trees

to

a

swaying over a small

fountain. "I

was here

assurance,

for

bowing

to

three

months," he answered with great

the waiter

who had

recognized

me

and

rushed right up. "I

much

am working

people

"Great,"

how

—

with big major studio

at Universal. I

said,

Universal.

Very nice and they believe

meaning

it,

and wondering

I

in

at the

like very

me."

same time

Universal intended to express their confidence in this star-

tling Russian.

We

sat

down and looked up 177

at the

hovering waiter. Vassy

MacLaine

Shirley

lapsed into French with a Russian accent.

ordered a double vodka and I

to I

my

pulled out

own any

smoke

laughed to myself.

He

a glass of red wine.

I

and he took one.

cigarettes

smoke too much Not good."

himself. "I

this year.

I

He

didn't

seem

last night. First cigarette

"Why did you do that?" asked. "I am nervous finally meeting you," he answered, "and worry about your opinion of my film. Did you know I am calling you by I

telephone for twelve years .-*"

"Oh, come on, Vassy,"

him by

said, calling

I

his first

name

for the first time.

"No, you very

You had

true.

is

secretary in

She wonders

well.

who

is

New York who

Russian and always says you are out of country.

protect

foreign-sounding

this crazy

You

have been out

of country twelve years?" I

laughed out loud.

"Well,

want Or,

always

I

to talk to!

tell

people to say that, unless

it's

someone

I

Most people don't think I'm anywhere anymore. I'm probably in Bucharest for a wine-

at the very least, that

tasting festival or something."

"So, in

my

called

I

country

you from Russia many times. Maybe you were

when

I

you in

called

New

York."

"Maybe."

"You were

You were with I

country.

I

remember. You made

a scandal.

students in Leningrad, yes?"

"Jesus, yes,"

"Oh,

my

in

I

"How

said, surprised.

did you

know

that?"

know. And you disobeyed authorities by missing

train

and made scandal." "Hey, wait right to

a

minute,"

I

go with the students

to take another train, that

"No, no," he familiar with.

said, hearing

was

said in a

my

voice

they invited me.

if

my way

if

I

had a

decided

business." I

was to become infuriatingly

"No. Bureaucratic system unable

178

rise. "I

And

to

change schedules."

Dancing

"Well, tough,"

I

in the Light

said, finding

myself assuming the persona

of a loud-mouthed American.

"But a

very funny and amusing," he said soothingly, taking

is

swig of vodka that would have put away any

sailor

who

wasn't

also Russian.

wanted

"I

make

to

but you acted

tourist

film of your scandal. as

elite

American

star

you

say.

Russian bureaucracy couldn't cope, edy. Big news in gossip in

You came

as

making

as plain

scandal.

Very funny com-

Moscow. Big scandal."

Vassy smiled to himself and took another belt of vodka. Only the ice was

He

left.

ordered another one.

I

thought of Khrushchev

and how he had told someone the story of Russians coating their stomachs with

they could drink each other under the table.

oil so

Vassy ordered a complicated French salad with hot lettuce

and oysters or something, and "I

am

I

had rognons (kidneys).

vegetarian," he said, looking at

my

meat order with

decided disapproval. "Meat not good for muscles," he pronounced.

"You must be

careful as dancer. Particularly not being

twenty-one

anymore." I

hooted

same time

at the

I

wanted

to slug

him.

He was

so

unconsciously funny with his dead serious autocratic pronounce-

ments, and,

as

I

was

to find out as

time went on, he was usually

correct. "I

saw you

at Palace

denly. "I saw your receive

my

one-man show.

New

York," he said sud-

Beautiful, brilliant.

Did you

caviar.-^"

His caviar?

"Your "I sent I

Theatre in

I

caviar?

you

wanted you This was "I don't

know he was alive. What do you mean?"

didn't

five

pounds caviar backstage. You were

to contact

brilliant.

me."

all too much. remember receiving such an extravagant

anyone. No, I'm sorry."

179

gift

from

MacLaine

Shirley

His

but his eye

face fell,

"Oh," he

Self-illusion can be

still

think

said, "I

had a twinkle in

make BIG

I

it.

impression.

Oh,

happy anyway."

me on

honestly couldn't decide whether he was putting

I

well.

whether what he was saying about anything was actually

true.

or

He

was so disarming, so enthusiastic, so total about everything that guess

too colorful

to

My

ignore.

during that dinner were the

provoked by knowing

rides

who

say,

I

didn't really matter to me. His intense vitality was just

it

feelings

and confusions about him

first in a

long series of roller-coaster

speak his

really did

Russian person,

a person, a

mind and

I

should

his perceptions as

he saw

them. His perceptions were so thoroughly foreign to mine that

I

was continually delighted, outraged, and amused. Vassily Okhlopkov-Medvedjatnikov ate his fancy French salad as

though the Russians were

plate, he

downed long

and laughed

oysters

slurps of

how

at

Bakersfield.

in

vodka

different

warm

were.

wasn't long before he was obviously just plain drunk.

It

didn't drink as

much

because

I

didn't

want

ordered Zoappa Inglese for dessert, which

kind of sweet soup. No, bites

over his

between delicate

in

we

Hunched

it

was

a

rum

I

cake.

to miss anything.

I

He

thought must be some

He

finished

it

in three

and ordered another one. "I

always eat only appetizers and desserts," he said. "More

healthful."

"And vodka

He

instead of water.''"

beckoned the waiter very deferentially.

have double stinger, please. That's

He I

for

didn't ask

cleared

my

if I

"I

would

like to

all."

wanted anything.

throat. "Vassily,"

I

said, "I

think I'd better go

an after-dinner drink, too, do you mind?"

"Oh," he Sorry.

You

said

looking genuinely apologetic.

should have asked."

180

"Of

course.

Dancing

Jesus,

I

will translate

In fact,

thought,

when I

I

wonder how

comes

it

in the Light

this small social confusion

to a deeper involvement.

wasn't really sure whether his "color" was worth a

deeper involvement. Minor

—and

me

thought any further, he diverted

my

know

my mind

it.

before

saw your

I

"before

I

face in

me

That stopped

I

believe.

here"

midstinger.

state. "I

believe

I

—he touched

his

it.

I

head

knew your

I

He was

face

too drunk to be

a sweet Russian-coated proposition.

Moreover,

wasn't like that.

cultural

real." in

making up

consciously

life,

ever saw you on the screen.

knew you were

I

now drunken

Sheerlee," he began in his all

—

—

could pursue that

again with what was appar-

have been looking for you

gently

I

makeup.

ently a mystical streak in his

"You know,

minor

possibly not so

differences were glaringly clear already. Before

/

had seen

bis

No,

— something

face

it

he

did not yet know. "Is time,"

All.

I

my actresses are woman in my head who

he repeated. "All

always loved a

as copies

of you.

had red

hair,

a

nose turning up, long legs, and blue eyes with small spots on face."

What do you mean?"

"Small spots?

He

reached over and touched

What

"Small spots. "Freckles,"

I

my

arm, pointing to

my

my

always tried

freckles.

name?"

is

answered.

"I hate

freckles. I've

them up."

to cover

"No,

no. Never. Beautiful small spots.

"Endearing?"

I

said.

"For a

man who

They

are endearing."

doesn't speak fluent

English, you have some choice words in your vocabulary." "I for

what It

to

only learn 'endearing' this week. I

want

was

a

word

I

feel is right

to say about these small spot freckles."

sort of like

sweep an American

the exhaustive,

It is

being with a Frenchman

woman

who knows how

romantically off her

concentrated energy of a child.

181

feet.

But with

American men

Shirley

MacLame

never bothered with that brand of romance. American

more

infinitely

more down-to-earth,

realistic,

less

men were

motivated by

They couldn't seem to let themselves become childlike. They seemed slightly embarrassed by sensitive, romantic allusions to childish associations. Not European men. And apparently not fantasy.

men

Russian

either.

Vassy was like some floppy, lean, overgrown brown Tartar

puppy with

when he walked and

that turned in

feet

hair that

flopped wildly in his eyes as he lost more and more control. there was a reckless quality about

though he would leap

him

at

him

as

And

he enjoyed himself, as

lightning just to see

would

if it

strike

dead.

Right now, though, he couldn't walk

He

straight.

tried to

make it to the men's room in a straight line, but there were too many potted palms around. So he smiled, shrugged, and lurched ahead until he found hommes and disappeared inside.

wondered

I

if

he could do what he had to do alone and upright.

The hundred

waiter brought the check, which dollars.

possible, in

where

it

my

inclined to pay

felt

I

it

I

noticed was over a

because

it

was simply not

view, that he could afford such a tab.

I

left

the bill

was and waited.

Soon he returned, saw the

bill,

and with a great drunken

Russian flourish he pulled out a checkbook from a Beverly Hills

bank and made out

"How "I

check

can you afford

for the required

this.''" I

amount of money.

asked diplomatically.

have bank account of money from Universal work, but

almost gone. I

a

felt a

Why

not use

it

and have pleasure?"

scribble of guilt pass through

"Did they pay

for

is

your hotel?"

I

me

and said nothing.

asked.

"Certainly," he answered. "They are major

company who pay

expenses." I

was sure he was

"endearing" in

my

just

playing big shot, but even that was

view because he had somehow managed to finagle

182

Dancing

a

freedom

in the Light

himself that no other Russian

for

I

had ever heard of

had, without defecting.

"Soon

and make how American

be able to travel, God's willing,

will

I

wonderful film here in States and show

my

minister

filmmakers want understanding with Soviet Russian filmmakers."

thought

I

had to be the vodka talking. Yet, in a way

it

couldn't define,

that his flagrantly ingenuous attitude

felt

I

such a thing

just pull

might

off.

"Are you saying, Vassy,"

asked,

I

"that you believe your

minister will allow you to go back and forth between

Moscow and

Hollywood and make movies and return any time you want

make

to, to

films in Russia afterward?"

"Why filmmaker,

You

I

will

he answered. "If

not.-^" it

will be

see.

good

I

become famous international

Russia film industry.

be difficult,

will

It

for

but

I

will

1

will

do

that.

my

accomplish

dream." sat

I

more

up

straighter,

hoping

I

could pursue the conversation

specifically.

"And can you make

films in France

now whenever you want

to?"

"Of course," he answered.

"I

have French wife.

We don't

live

together anymore, not for long time. She prefers live in Russia."

"Are you kidding?"

I

"Your wife would

asked.

rather live in

Russia than Paris?" "In Moscow, yes.

center of attention

I

and

my

family very well known. She

and activity when she

Medvedjatnikov. In Paris she

is

nothing.

Now,

lives

so

there

as

is

a

you want to go

somewhere and have small drink?"

We

stood up and he put his arm gallantly around

though the evening were

just

me

beginning. The waiters and maitre

as d'

smiled and bowed us out, grateful that Vassy would evidently

make

it I

to the car.

must

say,

I

didn't get the impression the

185

guy was

a drunk.

Shirley

I

got the impression he really needed to get drunk tonight and

most of that need had I

rather

maneuver back

He

to the

put an arm around

"You

will excuse

But thank you

more time

lurched back to

my

car

I

Chateau alone.

me

as

I

crawled behind the wheel.

me," he asked,

"for being

drunk? I'm

supporting me. Will you please see

for

before

common

leave for Paris?

I

want

to prove to

you

sorry.

me

one

this isn't

thing."

When?"

"See you again? will drive to

"I

We

do with me.

to

could gratefully take off for Malibu, and he said he would

where

a

MacLaine

I

asked.

Malibu tomorrow night and we will have

dinner there?"

"You know how to "Of course, I play address. I

I

get to Malibu?" tennis there often. Please, give

did, and

we

The next day

said

your

I

good night.

didn't shoot, so

wondered what would be

He

me

will behave."

in store for

called late in the afternoon

up promptly

at

my

I

sat

me

around in the sun and

that night.

and around eight o'clock showed

doorstep carrying a phonograph record and his

jogging shoes. He, of course, realized he couldn't have been more obvious and smiled sheepishly, but then nothing ventured, nothing gained. I

cooked him

"ahhed."

And

a vegetarian

meal over which he "oohed" and

then he expertly eyed

my

hi-fi set

and put on a

record of a famous Russian pianist playing (what else?) Rachmaninoff.

Vassy leaned back on one of

arms

for

me. Presumptuous,

my I

sofas, closed his eyes,

allowed myself to be gathered up in them. Then

and listened

held out his

thought, and, amused nevertheless,

we

just lay

to the crystal sounds of the piano flood the

back

room.

Vassy couldn't listen to anything quietly, of course. Every once in a while he would

raise

an arm and conduct his invisible

184

Dancing

in the Light

orchestra while swaying in ecstasy against the pillows. After the first

side played, he got

up

to turn the record over.

was concert pianist," he

"I

servatory of Music.

Then

I

bly, "freedom,

I

Cliburn.

I

said.

"1

Moscow ConMoscow with Van

graduated

was in competition in

saw him play with such realized

—

"

he gestured volu-

was working too hard

I

at

music and

I

quit immediately."

"You

quit playing the piano

league with

Van

"Of course." "What do you mean, thing

when you were

it

of

course.-*

Why

was easy and freedom and perfect

been forced by 1

the same

would you do such

a

.-*"

"Because," he said, "in the competition

him

in

Cliburn.''"

my

parents.

1

understood. For

I

As

as well.

want

didn't basically

it

for

me,

I

had

for myself.

So

quit."

"Did you quit right then

"Of course." "What do you mean, repeat myself larly after

.

.

.)

"That

at the

competition?"

of course?" (This

is

man was making me

a very impulsive thing to do, particu-

you had studied music

all

your

life.

That's true, isn't

it?"

"Yes, of course.

We

Russians are impulsive.

do things dramatically and perhaps regret

A

it

Many

times

we

afterward."

sharp twinge went through me.

"Have you regretted it?" I asked hesitantly. "I don't know. I don't think about it. I only play now when

am

I

drunk."

That kind of impulsiveness, even

/

hadn't engaged

in.

It

seemed so sweepingly destructive and without consideration of consequence.

I

was

also learned, things

After more

to learn later

how

right

I

was. But then, as

I

seemed that way from my point of view.

music and some discussion of Rachmaninoff,

185

MacLaine

Shirley

which included how much Vassy wanted to do

Rachmaninoff s,

He was

we had some

a film

about

his,

hot coffee and just sat together.

gentle and self-assured, but

aback that

I

think almost slightly taken

didn't object to any of his further advances.

I

To make establishing

a long

He was

my own When he

been out of line by bringing his

a joy to be

with and not

for a

moment

did

I

impulsiveness.

regret

around

he spent the night, thereby

story short,

he hadn't

that

jogging shoes.

cross

life,

got undressed,

I

noticed he was wearing a gold

his neck.

I didn't have a call the next day, which was Friday, and then came the weekend. Vassy spent the next four days with me in Malibu, (he "changed his mind" about his Paris weekend). We

jogged along the beach, took walks

in the

and made love and talked and made

love.

He

was overwhelmed with happiness, and grateful-

said he

ness too, because he had finally found

"simply the

woman

For me?

of

my

me and

I

was, as he put

would

I

see.

unanswered questions, but they didn't seem

There were so many

We

to matter.

were

having a glorious time together and apparently we both needed

me

Vassy told

it,

life."

wasn't really sure.

I

mountains, and talked

about filmmaking in Russia and

how

it.

comfort-

able and supportive his surroundings were at his studio, Mosfilm,

where he served

as

head of the unit

for

young filmmakers. He

spoke of his fellow workers with love and affection and of

how

He

they wondered whether he would be successful in the West.

asked

me

much

I

and

would do

if I

would

joy.

He

with him in Russia and said

how

love the Russian people and their sense of passion said

someday, and that took some of

a film

it

he wanted his final

me

to

see

the

dream would be

with a grain of

salt,

but a

to

rest

of his films

work with me.

lot of

it

I

felt

I

was

genuine.

He

told

me

about his three wives and

186

how marriage was

so

Dancing

in the Light

necessary in Russia because of their conventional attitudes. vorces were

commonplace

wives and,

for

same

for the

that matter,

of his

all

He

reason.

loved

women. And

One

them

his

Why

apparently had not been insignificant in number.

thought.

all

could say the same about me; nor had

Di-

of his lovers

not,

I

married

I

all.

"I

once visited a great psychic in Bulgaria," he said. "I told

her nothing about me. She correctly outlined

'Why America?'

then said to me,

was thinking about America.

No

very dirty with women.' Perhaps

but she explained to

me

that

said nothing.

I

one. I

And

am

family's tree

No

one knew

I

then she said, 'You are

with women."

fair

looked at him open-eyed. Vassy visited psychics.

I

and

using wrong wordage here,

was not

I

my

-^

And

put

stock in what they said, and on top of that was totally honest

about

—

man a man who seemed me which he desired to change.

This was an interesting

it?

confessing something to

"Well, are you dirty with women?"

asked in

I

my

to be

subtle

way. "Yes.

woman

of

1

"What "She I

think that

my

life

else

is

did she

But then,

true. Yes.

Now

before.

tell

I

you?"

said, 'don't entangle

I

with

I

would

I

laughed. for you!'

"Well, you don't

do you?"

say they are to be seriously considered," he

answered. "She was correct about

She knew

had never met the

Dangerous

sense.

necessarily believe everything psychics say,

"No, but

He

asked.

politics.

something that made

tried to say

I

have."

had America

in

my

my mind

family and everyone in before

I

told anyone. This

same Bulgarian woman was consulted by high rank officers. She guarded by police because she is national treasure. I say she reliable,

but

I

don't

He jumped up now how

to

make

know what

she

and stretched.

a carrot

meant

"I don't

in regard to

know.

I

will

187

is is

me."

show you

and apple and beet salad with garlic

Russian style."

it.

Shirley

MacLaine

Vassy in the kitchen was a culinary expert. beets and carrots with sophisticated flurry and

strange

musky

He

shredded the

whipped up the

concoction, which included apples that he chopped

in the blender, before dishing

it

up on

my wooden

plates like a

lumberjack ... or peasant, to be more accurate.

Then he began to "Wait a minute,"

eat standing up.

"You have

said.

I

time. What's the hurry?

Let's go outside on the balcony and eat like real people."

Vassy stopped chewing in mid-crunch

as

though

had

I

just

pointed out a basic vulgarity of which he was not aware.

"Yes," he said sheepishly. "That would be nice."

As we

sat

on the balcony

I

marveled

silently

strange

at the

He

contradiction of sophisticate and peasant that he seemed to be.

launched into a detailed and knowledgeable discussion of dietary

what

principles and food-combining laced with understanding of

each food did for the

human

body. Yet, he shoveled the food

down

indiscriminately as he talked, apparently ignoring the contradiction between

He was

ment.

clearly not a

man who

food on his plate seemed symbolic of

commit-

to

him, and

if life,

— he partook wholeheartedly.

I

could revel

in,

because

I

The

did things by halves. life

or

It

was

was that way myself, even

if it

food, or love, presented itself a quality

He

what he was saying and what he was doing.

certainly enjoyed himself, savoring the food with total

had drawbacks.

As he

finished his salad he looked into his fresh carrot juice

and said he had "I

woman

a small

problem.

was supposed to return to Paris and move I've

been with. She

mentioned, perhaps, being I

is

after

I

with the

leaving her husband for me, but you

in Paris?"

gulped because indeed

immediately

in

I

had

it

in

mind

to

go

to

with Vassy. Then we would see what would happen. Play ear,

I

thought.

I

Paris

finished the picture in order to take a vacation

was not prepared

188

for this earful.

it

by

Dancing

"But now be

with

fair

have met the

I

my

But what has

He Paris,

"I guess

I.

woman

of

"You Although

said,

I

guess that's what

"I

are important to

me," he

never expected you to

I

must

is

yes?"

was driving

I

but

at,

I

important to you."

"You always have been. this way about me. There-

said.

feel

her and explain what has happened."

tell

"All right,"

man- woman I'll

must

I

that to do with me.-*"

don't want to upset anything else that

and

you and

you have a slight personal problem.

You proposed coming with me,

yes.-^

I

life in

looked up from his glass. "Well, you want to come to

"Yes,"

fore

my

woman."

other

"I see," said

in the Light

once again caught up in the dilemma of

said,

I

"Go now. Do what you come when I finish my

logistics.

be waiting to

feel

you have to do

which should

film,

be in about ten days."

"You

really will

"Yes,"

said,

I

and wondering how

"Good.

come

to

me

thinking of

in Paris?"

the other times

all

different this

I

had been there

time would be, because of him.

settled then. It will be difficult, but

It's

I

will tell

her."

He stood up, looked out much this Malibu." And then "And you

said,

I

put

"Now coming call

my I

are

my

eyes he

and we held each other.

must go

the Chateau,"

me

"I love very

said,

real love."

his waist

I

and

looking straight into

arms around

to help

you before

my

at the sea,

to

pack and then drive

he said.

me

"Someone

to the airport.

I

is

will

leave."

With organized directorial precision he arranged himself to Then he reached in his bag and, from next to his passport,

leave.

drew out "I

me

by

a small blue

want you have

medal with

a religious figure

this," he said.

my mummy when

I

left

"Put on chain.

Russia.

church."

189

Is

on It

it.

was given

blessed by archbishop of

Shirley

I

MacLaine

held the blue disc in the palm of

my

hand. In gold mosaic

I

saw the figures of the Virgin Mary holding Christ, with a halo around each head. I

looked up at Vassy.

"You want me to have this.''" I asked. "Of course," he answered. "You are my love. It will you until we are together again. Now what do you have that

protect for

me

you have worn?" I

around

took the gold chain from around his. It

hung

"Is beautiful,"

my

neck and fastened

above the chain of his gold

he said. "It has your energy.

it

cross. I

will

walked through the apartment toward the door.

He

wear always.

We

just

You

I

feel

it.

will see."

window out over the ocean and took one last deep walked him to his car, his jogging shoes hung over his I thought of how sure of himself he was with me.

looked from the breath.

I

shoulder. "Life I

is

a

wonderful mystery, yes?" he

said.

nodded.

He he went.

drove away I

down Malibu Road waving

wondered what he would be

in

my

at

me backward

life,

as

not realizing

then what a marvelously infuriating mystery he really would be.

190

Ck wtcr 9 S.

everal days later

night flight to Paris and waited in customs for

some anxiety over what

it

would be

my

right, a

wool

commanding

luggage with

He was

I

there,

figure in an alpaca coat and a Russian

hat, I

walked out with

my

luggage.

Very tentatively he came toward

good

took the

Vassy again.

like to see

looked through an open door leading to the outside. all

I

me and

eyed

my

single fairly

sized bag.

"My

place

friend of mine,

is

a small cell," he said fearfully.

"You

Sasha, and his wife have allowed

now I have no money for rent." remembered the expensive French

will see.

me

to use

A it

because I

and how he threw monetary realism "I don't

led

mind

small cells,"

He quickly recovered me outside with proud

from

I

restaurant in

to the winds.

said. "I

can sleep anywhere."

his concern, lifted

confidence.

191

Hollywood

my

bag, and

MacLaine

Shirley

him again

assured

I

sleeping arrangements or living

that

He

conditions, for that matter, couldn't have mattered less to me.

stopped and looked

whether

I

really

wondered

I

me

inexplicable way,

He

knew

me

led

should

I

I

it

was

all still

that

a

to miss because, in

very familiar with him.

felt

I

him

tell

want

didn't

I

felt

himself.

though assessing

as

said.

I

that I

understand him, no, but better than he

moment

deeply for a

at this point if

curious adventure to

some

me

at

meant what

didn't

I

knew him, maybe even

I

said nothing though.

to a car, a Mercedes,

which he

said he

had driven

from Moscow. It

raining.

might have been

A

Paris in the springtime, but

was

also

cold, chilling drizzle.

"The weather

over the world

all

with nature,

I

is

changing," said Vassy.

Too much experimenting Nature belongs to God. Mankind doesn't

"Something wrong. Something believe.

peculiar.

understand her mysteries. Nature fights back when she

He opened

his

window and breathed

"I love the smells of nature.

They

ground garage over which there

He bounded

is

assaulted."

Then he

deeply.

are pure

He

His English was improving.

ing.

it

sighed.

and trustworthy."

pulled the car into an under-

rose a pleasant

out of the car, retrieved

my

apartment build-

bag from the trunk,

and led me, via an elevator, to the apartment. Rattling

his large

French keys, he opened the door.

Vassy was right. His place was a small inside. for

my

He

bag instead. There was

the floor, a

kitchen cabinet, which

How

Did he

could

just

enough room

table beside the mattress, and

refrigerator with a hot plate

spices.

cell.

I

didn't look at me, busying himself with

we

really

eat out

I

on

top.

I

followed

for a mattress

looked over at a small

could see housed garlic and a few

if

he didn't even have

192

on

in the corner a small

cook here? Maybe that would be

now

him

making room

money

jars

my

of

job.

for rent?

Dancing

Was

I

supposed to pay

in the Light

for everything?

I

could afford

certainly,

it,

but would that embarrass him? Putting to

him and

need with matic.

It

He

economic considerations out of love

I

mind,

turned

I

1

wasn't just being diplo-

true.

reached up into a small cluttered closet and began to

concern.

me. Immediately,

for

I

began to unpack to

relieve his

took out a few sweaters and slacks and hung them on

I

two hangers.

I

could

feel his relief that

my own

had learned during

I

my

cozy and what more do you

It's

it.

the traveling you do?"

all

was

make room

star.

all

said, "Vassy,

I

didn't travel like a

how

travels

movie

to conserve space

very comfortably.

He made some

hot tea with lemon, while

I

walked around

behind the closet and found the bathroom. Thank God, I

was

afraid

I

would have

many European

over

There was

it,

hall, as

thought.

was the case

in so

living quarters.

The bathroom was "cell."

go down the

to

I

as

a toilet

quaint and charmingly minuscule as the

with a chain flush, a sink with a mirror

and one of those half-tub-half-showers that the French can

somehow

get clean

had never learned

in.

to

The shower was

hand shower, which

a

manipulate properly.

I

I

usually sprayed the

entire room. I

around

shut the door to the bathroom and washed

on the

at his toilet articles

sink.

which was plugged into the

wall.

Jaragan aftershave lotion.

wondered

sian.

I

I

He

There was

opened the bottle and smelled

if it.

my

face,

looking

used an electric razor, a giant-sized bottle of

that was French or RusIt

smelled

how

I

remem-

bered he smelled. Next to the Jaragan was a white plastic box

with a wire attached to

it.

There were four sticks that looked

like

toothpicks standing up beside the white box and an electric cord attached to the wall. seen one.

Was

this

Was

this

an electric Water Pik?

what he used

I

had never

to achieve that "perfect imperfec-

tion" effect with his teeth?

195

MacLatne

Shirley

Feeling the urge, the small bathroom

down on the toilet. I looked around To my amazement, the door

sat

I

more

carefully.

opened. There was no warning knock, no "how are you doing?"

Nothing. Vassy simply opened the bathroom door on me, found

me

sitting

on the

toilet,

and very agreeably inquired, "Are you

all

right?" I

nodded, attempting to seem undisturbed, and, startled into

feeling this

was

a social occasion, politely asked if the

white plastic

electric Water Pik. "Of course," he said. I could feel a pronouncement coming "You must use it. Particularly after such a long flight."

box was an

on.

I

nodded, coming to grips with the dynamics of the situation.

"Come," he

said.

"Now.

We

must show you how

to use

it

now."

Too much. "Out!" muster,

I

said.

"I'll call

And

you when

I

need you."

had absolutely no sense of privacy

was even known

much

then, with as

—

his

I

dignity as

I

could

was to learn that Vassy

own

or

anybody

else's.

to follow people into airplane lavatories to

He

make

sure they were not sneaking a cigarette.

Presently he proceeded to educate

me

about

always, in matters of health, he was deadly serious. this every day,"

teeth.

As use

good

for

he announced. "The water pressure

gums. You must be Cameras can be

my

"You must

careful

is

gums and teeth for close-ups. you know that. You need to pay

of

cruel, Sheerlee,

more attention." As he showed me, with insistent determination, how to use the Water Pik, I began to realize I would have to either ignore some of his autocratic dictates, learn to control myself when I felt he got out of line, or just let go and let him have it. Vassy smiled at me in the bathroom mirror. He could see that

I

was considering what he

"Now," he

said proudly,

said.

"you don't mind

194

my

small cell?"

Dancing

The of the

seemed

association

times

first

needed to be

in

a peculiar

realized

I

tn the Light

On

complete control.

The combination

one to me, but

that Vassy

his turf or

anybody

it

up and launched

"Mamitchka," he "It's

else's.

of the two of us would indeed prove combustible.

His telephone jangled beside the mattress on the picked

was one

it

Medvedjatnikov always

my mummy

said to

someone and then turned

He

from Moscow."

animated conversation,

floor.

He

into a barrage of Russian.

his

me.

to

proceeded to carry on an

husky voice rising higher and higher.

wondered what could possibly be making him something wrong

I

Was

so excited.

.-'

The conversation went on for about ten minutes. I really had the impression the KGB must have arrested his mother. Soon he hung up, quite satisfied it seemed.

"What was

that

"Nothing," he

about?"

all

said.

back in Paris from States

I

asked.

"Mummy

just

wondered

all right.

Her

flowers are doing well at

if

I

had arrived

dacha in country and perhaps she will come to France in summer." "Jesus,"

I

said. "I

thought maybe the Third World

War

had

started." "It's

scream.

way Russians

the

You

talk,"

he assured me.

"We

always

will see."

Vassy went to his small cupboard and pulled out some garlic cheese

and crackers. Then he uncorked

and without ceremony began to

a bottle of red

eat the cheese

soft

wine

and crackers and

gulp the wine standing up.

"Your

flight

was

fine.-'"

what he was eating than "Sure,"

with food.

I

replied,

One would

hovel in Siberia, but

my

he asked, really more concerned with inane answer.

absolutely fascinated by his relationship

have thought he had grown up starving in a I

knew he had come from

family of artists and writers.

He

had told

me

a very well-to-do

that his

mother was

a

poet and linguist and the daughter of one of Russia's great paint-

193

Shirley

MacLaine

His father was the author of children's books and

ers.

functionnaire in the writers' union in

Moscow.

I

a

question of individual artistic freedom with Vassy quite yet.

was

clearly not suffering "I told

concerned

I

Mummy will

met you," he

finally

I

said. "I believe she

He was

to go.

the hell,

I

I

said

is

again.

was

It

his friend Sasha

who owned

the

having a party and wanted us to come.

Vassy shrugged his shoulders and asked

wanted

He

it.

go Hollywood. She admires you very much."

The phone rang apartment.

from

big

had not pressed the

knew what he was in

me

in

Russian

Pidgin Japanese.

figured

I

I

if I

What

talking about anyway.

couldn't sleep

anyway. So

I

of Paris

changed

crowded with people.

my

we walked.

we

entered a living

and French

a confusion of gesticulating Russians

me

and

to Sasha

his wife,

Mouza.

for letting us use the apartment. Sasha said

stay there.

point,

room

Most everyone spoke English though.

Vassy introduced

them

clothes and out into the cobblestone streets

In a few minutes

I

I

thanked

was crazy to

Russians had a way of being disconcertingly to the

with a twinkle of recognition that they were throwing

everybody

else off

by

just

being themselves.

Vassy went around joyously greeting people

how

bothering one way or the other with Fortunately, everyone

knew who

sation was not difficult, but

I

was getting along.

was and what

I

at the party, not

I

did, so conver-

could see them eyeing

I

kind of jaundiced curiosity about

why

I

was

in Paris

me

with a

with Vassily

Okhlopkhov-Medvedjatnikov. Apparently Sasha and Mouza had been born in France, therefore I

were not subjected to the restrictions of the Russian-born. But

was learning that regardless of where

citizen, he still feels he at the icon-laden

is

Russian. As

apartment,

I

I

noticed a

with more than usual intensity.

196

a Russian finds himself a

wandered around looking

Frenchwoman eyeing me

Dancing

At the first opportunity why that would be. "She

my

is

in the Light

mentioned

I

French woman's

sister,"

to

it

Vassy and asked

he said. "She knows

I

broke the relationship with her for you." I

that sort of paranoid stab you feel sometimes

felt

know everyone

in the

when you

room knows more about what you're

really

involved with than you do.

"Oh,"

I

said quietly, "I see. For

some reason

I

felt she

was

involved with you."

"She was," he admitted, stunning

"When

wall.

I

was very jealous of her

me

right

sister,

I

up against the

slept

with her out

of spite." I

suddenly couldn't keep

was thudding away

all

women

his

straight

—my

heart

in response to his stupifying directness.

"You mean, you

slept

"Yes," he answered.

"I

with both

sisters?"

was angry and jealous because Monique

was sleeping with her husband."

"Oh my," "What did you

I

said rather helplessly.

Then, piqued by curiosity,

expect her to do?"

"Sleep with me," he answered simply. "I see.

So you balled her

"Of course." Mouza came filled

sister for spite."

with a plate of piroshkis, a Russian pastry

in

with ground meat. Vassy took one and swallowed

"Wait

a minute,"

I

said, recovering myself.

know what you were doing?" "Of course. I am always "No,"

"You

I

said. "I

are

honest.

1

it

whole.

"Did your Monique

never lie."

can see that."

having a nice time?" he asked,

as

though the

weather were beautiful.

"Oh

yes,"

I

answered. "Wonders never cease. All kinds of

wonders." "This

is

wonder

—

ful?"

197

MacLaine

Shirley

"Sure."

Vassy pranced like a playful puppy-man into the living room

with the camera he had acquired somewhere on his shoulder.

Mouza

up

sidled

me at the door jamb. "Have you man before?" she asked simply.

to

involved with a Russian

"No, Mouza,

I

ever been

haven't. Why.''"

Then she quickly remembered that she had forgotten to fetch more vodka. I wandered back into the living room, caught somewhere between jet lag and naivete. wondered,

"I just

me

Vassy handed

am

that's all.

a glass of

wQvy fidele," he said.

The

A

"When

roller-coaster ride

few hours

back to our

cell.

later, I

"

vodka and I

am

raised

in love,

was well into

it

to

my

eyes. "I

3.mfic^e/e."

I

its first

turn.

needed to sleep. Vassy tenderly took us

I

undressed

as

though already

asleep, but

was

I

aware enough to notice that he took off his gold cross and placed carefully beside

two small framed

pictures.

One was

his

mother. The other, an icon of the Virgin Mary and Christ.

fell

onto the floor mattress and melded into love and sleep.

When watching

I

woke

me

morning

in the

I

opened

my

didn't move.

He

face.

He

just

smiled and

a children's story

about small

His expression didn't waver.

"You are my Nif-Nif," he said "I am? What's a Nif-Nif?" "You know, in Russia we have

We

eyes to find Vassy

with an expression of glowing love on his

smiled and then sighed and touched

it

a picture of

my

nose.

playfully.

You have the same, I think. My favorite small pig was Nif-Nif. You are my small Nif-Nif because you have a face

pigs.

adorable as a small Nif-Nif." I

was overcome with

"Nif-Nif," he said, you.

You know "Yes,"

I

his tenderness.

"I love you.

I

will always be honest

with

that."

said.

"I've

had some slight experience with that

already."

198

Dancing

"Do you

in the Light

we have known each

think," he said, "that

other

before?"

my

up on

sat

I

He

arm.

He just And he

never led up to anything.

blurted out what he was thinking without hesitation.

seemed but

that touched a trigger in

had considered the relationship too

I

important

—

He

"Yes."

But

still I

—

or perhaps too

in another lifetime.''"

my

waited for

hedged

maybe

"I think

fragile

me,

up myself.

to bring the question

"Do you mean not.'*

me something

to be asking

Well,

reaction.

thought,

I

why

a little.

yes.

I

know what

don't

I

believe about

all

that stuff."

he went on, "that

"I feel,"

Why

is

I

have

known you

all

my

life.

that.^"

"I don't

know.

I

you are very familiar, too, and yet

feel

how you

don't understand one thing about

"We

are very different,

I

really are."

yes.-^"

"Very."

Why

"American and Russian.

"You found me,

Vassy.

not sure what's going on.

"You know," he and

everywhere.

You made

It's

said, "I

on the

faces like yours

It is true.

You

have

we found each

the initial search. I'm

used to stop

street.

I

women

it

too.

have seen

my

film.

I

I

saw you

lived with that

Why?"

She had pictures of you on her wall because

She loves you very

it.

with red hair

honestly thought

know."

"She knew of

still

crazy."

actress for three years because she looked like you. "I don't

other?"

much

too.

She wants autograph from

you."

"Okay. Sure,"

I

said,

beginning slowly to comprehend some

of the complicated dimensions of his honesty.

"You

will

come with me

to Russian

while you are here?"

199

church

for Easter service

MacLaine

Shirley

glanced at his cross on the bedside table beside the icon.

I

"Sure,"

I

means

said. "It

am

"I

a lot to you, doesn't it?"

Christian. Every Russian

is

religious

whether

Commu-

Maybe these men in Kremlin secretly wear cross when no one around." Vassy put his arm behind his head. "Russia is very spiritual place," he said. "With system we have, it's necessary. Maybe communist system makes spiritual feeling even deeper. So we nist

or

not.

themselves

don't object."

"You

don't object.

"It's

as

Why?"

under the deep Russian snow ful in the

Because strawberries are buried

our strawberries.

months, they

for six

taste so beauti-

springtime."

"You mean, only strawberries "Of course. The same with

that suffer are sweet to eat?" life

and people.

Suffering

is

"

necessary to art and happiness.

He continued speaking with deep conviction. "Our Russian love of God and spiritual understanding is most important to all Russians. Do you understand?" "You mean, you're telling me that the group in the Kremlin Marxist government are not atheists and are secret Christians?"

"Not

Christian-religious.

passion. Russian peoples have

Even

atheists

convictions.

have atheism with

Doubt comes from

the

West." sat

I

up from the mattress and crossed

my

legs

and faced

him.

"And "I I

am

you, Vassy?

that

full

He went

if

feel?"

any of his answers would ever be qualified.

He

of conviction about everything. on.

"We

must

"Evil forces will destroy us

"You

how you

Russian Orthodox Christian," he stated clearly.

wondered

seemed so

Is

believe there

is

if

fight against satanic forces," he said.

we

don't recognize

such a thing

200

God."

as a satanic force?"

Dancing

"Of

course.

must look

each time

why you wear your "Of

"Yes, yes," he said. stand that

we Russians

but mentally.

We

wasn't sure

Then

I

it

we

within ourselves,

if

...

for protection.-'"

must

course, but you

Moslem, not

also under-

way,

in a religious

combination of Christian spirituality and

are

We

obey order, therefore a big

not.

feel

cross

are also

Asian Moslem mentality.

I

we

God."

for

"Is that

And

in the Light

and

are unable to control ourselves

fist

government

is

necessary for us."

what he was saying was

a contradiction or

remembered reading what Dostoyevsky wrote: "Rusand cruel at the same time. A

sians can be sentimental, but cold

Russian can weep

enemy on

that

poetry one minute, and

at a piece of

same spot

few minutes

a

A

later.

kill

Russian

an

half

is

saint, half savage."

"My

Nif-Nif," Vassy went on.

of respect to personality,

mightiness, power. This respect

iron

fist.

why

See, therefore

Russians have no sense

more emotional

it's

Since the time of the czars, and

admiration. That's

"We

now is

too.

—

mixed with

fear

Russians admire Stalin.

we

love and

hate.

Russians respect only

and sometime

He

was the

real

don't expect to be respected unless

we

have power, muscles." I

was distressed by what he

said.

How

was

it

possible to carry

on a relationship either personally or on an international level, if, in fact, such a chasm of mistrust and human values separated us?

What would happen

with the

even the exploration of space

He went on

to

SALT if

disarmament or

talks or nuclear

what he was saying was true?

speak of the dichotomy

in

the

Russian

character, a kind of duality in their temperament and approach to life,

formed by their climate and geography

as

well

as

their

history.

"Can you imagine, he said, "what it is like to live in small village for seven months under twenty feet of snow, with five days "

of travel to nearest railroad or neighbor? That, for centuries, was

201

MacLaine

Shirley

life

of a Russian. Sometimes the news they got,

all,

was a year old."

He went on

that a Russian could

to say

disciplined for a period, and then

He

they got

if

at

it

be scientifically

apart with self-indulgence.

fall

could be privately unassuming and publicly pompous.

He

could be kind and compassionate and uncaring and cruel. I

remembered Hedrick Smith had

said the

Dostoyevsky had I

my

Vassy

fit

the description to a T.

why Mouza had

understood

I

asked

involved with a Russian before. Again, tap of familiarity

had known

my

Vassy took I

somewhere deep

man from hundreds

this

hand

sweet and graceful."

your

He

my

if I'd

He

startled

kept

directive.

I

picked

my

at

had told

nails so

me

I

once that

same haunting

mind,

as

to

though

are

my

sunshine," he said.

he said.

"My padded

reality

because

said.

pillows.

if

I

didn't,

I

You

unconsciously

I

layers of

did that because

I

was attempting to peel

myself in a desperate unconscious attempt

Pop psychology maybe, but probably

it.

like a small child

requesting a big personal favor from his mother. "I never

woman who would and

"So

with yet another personal

"Will you jog with me, Nif-Nif?" he asked

"Sure,"

I

sometimes even until they bled. Someone

to reach the core of myself.

some truth

ever been

can see them more."

me back to my nails long

cuticles,

away the outer

Oh, my

gently squeezed the tips of them. "I love

soft finger pillows here,"

must cut your

saint,

of years ago.

"You

in his.

that

felt

I

in

me

myself blush. "You have beautiful fingers," he

felt

The

said.

had to admit,

God, now

in

Half savage, half

Russians, his Pulitzer Prize-winning book. as

same thing

1

jog with

said,

me

knew

a

before."

feeling jostled

between

his childlike

charm

his adult assertiveness.

"But

first

Water Pik," he

directed.

202

"You must make Water

Dancing

You were

Pik.

in the Light

too tired last night.

Now

you must make Water

Pik properly." I knew he was right. we bounded into the crisp Parisian sunshine and headed for the Luxembourg Gardens. We talked of where we would eat brunch as we jogged. I

got up, cursing, because

In jogging togs

Vassy jogged with a straight-backed

stride, his

head proudly

peering straight ahead, his brown hair bouncing over his ears as

we moved.

Vassy's face took on a gleam of determination.

now

"I will

"Of do

course,"

Two

that.

jog five miles," he announced.

remainder,

I

I

agreed.

I

knew he meant

would do some stretching

Vassy did not jog correctly. too the

it.

I

wasn't about to

or three miles, okay, but while he was doing the

He

exercises.

used the outside of his heels

much and pounded his monstrous size eleven feet severely ground, causing much too much trauma to his back.

"You know, Vassy," your feet wrong with your

into

began hesitantly, "you are planting

I

stride. It's too

hard on your back that

way."

He

me

looked over at

No more

his answer.

Shit. Fine.

I

me

it is

fine,"

was

discussion.

What do

His loping turned-in while

with disdain. "For

care?

I

feet

It's

not

my

back.

continued to punish him. After a

peeled off from our stride, stopped, and put one leg after

the other

up on the back of

plane flight,

I

needed

it.

a

park bench and stretched. After the

Vassy didn't even acknowledge that

I

was

gone.

For another hour breathing.

I

The thought

did some standing yoga positions and deep crossed

my mind

then that perhaps Vassy

thought physical pain was necessary to good health. hurt,

it

wasn't doing any good, that sort of thing.

feeling myself

and was beginning

to realize its folly.

205

If I

it

didn't

knew

that

MacLaine

Shirley

Rounding his last turn of the gardens, Vassy gestured that he would now jog home without breaking his stride. Jesus, I thought, this

man

He'll probably pig out at

a glutton for discipline.

is

lunch.

That's

We

what happened.

just

charged to a small bistro he

knew

showered,

and

changed,

True

close by.

to form,

he

ordered several hors d'oeuvres, a bottle of red wine, lots of bread spread thick with butter, and a few desserts.

him.

Who

I

went along with

needed a heavy, ponderous entree when you could get

the same effect with variety? Privately to gain ten

pounds on

I

prepared to allow myself

this trip.

Over the meal Vassy brought up the project he was two of us

in for the

—

book

a

interested

called The Doctor's Wife

by Brian

Moore. "Isn't that

to

funny?"

me sometime

We

I

said.

"That very book was suggested

back by a writer friend of mine."

discussed

it

at length.

He

spoke with great passion about

He understood their conflicts, their sorrows, their He became each character as he spoke. He was larger

each character.

compulsions.

than

broadly stroked and impossible to take casually as he

life,

outlined in his passionate, husky voice, what he would do with the film. I

wondered how I

which of

my

habits and

discard.

I

our relationship to work

affect

knew he was watching me

together.

would

would

it

head

closely, editing in his

mannerisms he would

use and which he

didn't feel in the least- invaded because

I

was

doing the same thing with him.

We Two

were adoringly fascinated with observing each other.

professionals using

"Vassy," of

my

I

said,

life as grist for

"how would you

the creative mill.

feel if

you ended up

in

one

books,"

he

books?"

He

smiled proudly.

"I

have been

204

in

several

Dancing

announced.

"We

are all in each other's lives for

said. "Creativity

ence.

love

I

in the Light

of

all

And

everything.

is

my

creativity

characters.

many

know you

I

reasons," he

comes from experilove

will

all

of

yours."

Back

at

the

when

cell,

came out of the bathroom,

I

thor-

oughly waterpiked, Vassy was sitting on the mattress, munching

on

a carrot, smiling I

remembered

up

at

me

a present

rummaging through my

like a floppy bear. I

had forgotten to give him and,

suitcase,

I

pulled out two adorable pink

I dumped tummy. Immediately he placed the rabbits on the pillow and talked to them, scolding them in rabbit language. He stood them on their heads and spanked them in Russian. He covered them up and purred a little children's song to them. He teased them for sleeping too long with their arms around each other. With his long arms he retrieved them from under the covers and rocked them against his shoulder. Then he bounced them over to me. I lofted them back carefully, half convinced they were real. He patted their heads and got up to sit with them in his lap on the one kitchen stool the cell boasted, cradling them in his arms while I took a picture of him with my Polaroid.

rabbits with their arms entwined around each other.

them on

I

his flat

was entranced by

said he loved

anything. "fun."

He

my

tumbling

enchantment, that

said he

Then we

his ability to

fell

I

have such childish fun. could

make

a

game

He

out of

had learned a new meaning to the word

on the bed and made

love, the

pink rabbits

to the floor.

Lovemaking with Vassy was one of the most pleasant shared experiences of

my

each other. Every

life.

We

laughed, cried, shouted, and nibbled at

now and then when abandonment

seized

completely, a surging rush of Russian passion flowed forth.

205

him

He

Shirley

MacLatne

was never rough, but he wasn't delicately gentle

knew what he was doing, but

tainly

I

either.

sensed

He

cer-

deep-seated

a

conventional Christian morality in him.

asked him

I

He

filming.

His work was

But

else.

was not

if

he got involved with his actresses during

said during filming he

He

his life.

with him. Humility

days in Paris revolved around the small "cell"

in the

sharing

Pullman kitchenette, sleeping with

and onions lying unattended next fantasizing about

—

laughing until our sides ached, making

stories of life experiences,

mess of cooking

in sex.

had no time to concentrate on anything

yes, his actresses usually fell in love

his strong suit.

Our a

was never interested

the

to

working together.

He

floor

mattress,

me

directed

garlic

and

to use the

Water Pik every night until, not to my surprise, my gums were fine. I asked him when he expected to get his medical degree. He never laughed when I teased him. He took himself extremely seriously, which, of course, was grounds for

my

teasing

him even more. Sometimes he'd pout when he saw that he couldn't

really

dominate me, but our childlike play and kidding saved us every time.

had never before encountered

I

a

man who

could joyously

throw himself into such wondrous and magical games. Maybe

was because he was Russian or maybe

it

was

it

just Vassy. It doesn't

matter. His capacity to give himself totally to zany make-believe

was the source of much tenderness and loving laughter between us.

He

me

told

a

story

from

his

childhood,

of

how he had

overturned a beehive and gotten plastered with honey.

"My "You

are

honeybear,"

my

We I

said,

laughing

as

he finished his story.

Russian honeybear."

"And you when

I

are

my

sunshine Nif-Nif.

rolled over in each other's arms.

had been so happy.

206

I

couldn't

remember

Dancing

We

in the Light

played at everything.

day, reveling in

my

I

lived delightedly

from day

Honeybear's capacity for laughter.

We

to

made

the ancient city our playground, the pink rabbits going every-

where with

us.

The world looked

oblivious. Eventually,

on,

Honeybear took

smiling.

me away

But we were

to a small island

in Bretagne.

When we

arrived,

it

was dark. But Honeybear had made

reservations at a small hotel

new night and each new place, An adventure maybe more real than

With

us.

whose proprietor had waited up

for us.

each

experience

We

was an adventure

the reality

we would

later.

unpacked our bags

one tiny

life

for

closet,

in the small hotel

room. There was

two twin beds which we promptly pushed

window through which

gether, and a small shuttered

the

to-

wind

howled.

There was no shower

We

sufficient.

in the cold

bathroom, but the tub was

each took a quick hot bath, because the heated

water was scarce, and crawled into the quilt-covered beds. As we

began

to

make

love,

frame of mind.

I

found myself relating to him in a maternal

Words came

to

my mouth

that expressed

how

I

felt.

"My muring

my

honeybear,

as

curled

I

my

my

baby honeybear,"

I

heard myself mur-

fingers in his hair. "Yes,

you are

my

baby,

baby, aren't you?"

Vassy

up

sat

in bed,

his face like stone.

He

took his arms

away from me. "I

am

not your son," he announced, and there was real anger

in his voice. I

son. I

I

sat

up

too.

"My

son?"

I

asked.

was just fantasizing because

wanted

to

express

expression. What's

I

felt

"Of

course you're not

so maternal with

my

you and

myself and maybe make love with that

wrong with

that?"

207

MacLaine

Shirley

"Sometimes you

"You

are a radio in bed," he said.

talk too

much." stared

I

sudden,

"A

him,

at

repeated.

I

course," he answered.

Oh my God, Obviously

tion.

so

total,

in.

it

radio in bed.''"

"Of

His hostility was so

stunned.

couldn't take

I

I

thought,

I

way.

in a deep-seated

now

feeling crushed with humilia-

had said or done something that threatened him

My

hand flew

my

to

where

throat,

wore

I

the religious medal, blessed by the Russian archbishop, that had

belonged to his mother. "Vassy, wait a minute,"

much.^

What

"What's upsetting you

said.

I

wrong with some maternal

is

His eyes blazed.

He

"Such a thing

not necessary to you,

"No,"

is

got up and walked around the room.

He

is

it?"

answered confusedly. "Not necessary.

I

occurred to me, that's

what came out of

that's

not

bed.-^ It's

you know."

real incest,

It just

fantasy in

so

down on

sat

all.

was

I

he demanded.

Of course

just feeling that

not.

way, so

my mouth." "You

the bed.

talk too

much. Talk not

necessary."

He was

hurting

my

trust implicit in

my

me

deeply.

I

felt

completely humiliated. The

free expression of fantasy

had been thrown in

teeth.

"But

the

all

real either.

You

games

love to

are play, Vassy. They're not necessary or

do

that, don't

you?"

"Yes," he answered, "because you love

The

"Because

/

love

it?

games, too, and you know "I play I

it."

roller coaster started.

began

What do you mean? You

them because you to cry.

He

love those

it."

love

them."

had shattered our playful, fragile fantasies,

apparently without a thought and clearly without caring at

208

all.

Dancing

in the Light

"You are really mean," I heard myself say, tears choking my "You are mean and uncaring and insensitive in hurting the

throat.

feelings of others. I

How

could you be so mean.''"

was crying hard now.

Vassy blanched slightly but to givQ

could see him decide to refuse

I

any emotional ground.

"I

am

not mean,"

he answered

finally.

"You

being

are

influenced by evil."

"Evil?" that

field

do with

it

choked on the word.

I

stopped

my

It

was from so

"What

crying.

far

out in

left

the hell has evil got to

this.''"

"That was

evil

thought you spoke of in bed.

I

cannot go

along with that."

"Well, fuck you,"

goddamned mother.

I'm not your

character in you, hasn't

His eyes flashed.

hand

raised his

"I

thought

to his hair

sat

down on

Then, very quietly, he Satanic forces.

some

cruel

I

saw

and pulled I

I

he

a hint of violence as

his fingers

through

yelled and cried at the

was only pretending.

it.

same time.

Why

are

you

They

the side of the bed,

"Stop

said,

it,

flushed with anger.

Sheerlee.

You

are feeling

are evil."

couldn't seem to break through to him, and the frustration

triggered something in

"Vassy!!" fear

She's really raised

this.-*"

He

I

gives a fuck? I'm glad

she.-*" I

"You are the evil one," didn't mean to hurt you.

doing

"Who

shouted.

I

I

me

that was primitive and fundamental.

shouted. "There

and uncertainty. Evil

is

is

no such thing

what you think

it

is.

as evil.

Evil

Listen to

is

me,

goddammit!"

He

leaned over

me and

with gentle strength held

me

shoulders. "Sheerlee, stop it" he said strongly. "Stop the evil."

209

by

my

MacLaine

Shirley

My about?

brain tumbled over in confusion.

had simply wanted

I

while making love and to evil?

I

and

cried

him

cried.

him anymore,

didn't resist.

I

why

I

wasn't angry

This business of "evil" and

or even insulted.

"satan" was a ridiculous concept to me.

stand

he talking

was some kind of fundamental

this

Vassy put his arms around me. at

What was

about being his mother

to fantasize

I

couldn't really under-

my

such images would be evoked by

simple fantasy,

but what he had done was thoroughly shocking and sad to me.

Something snapped shut intuition

some unconscious

triggered

my

me

him

to

going on with him

head.

had

I

Was

twelve years?

"Mummy"

more involved with

Or was

Had

struck?

just

fantasy

incestual

in the first place?

for

remembered the

I

restrictively, conventionally

Could that be the nerve

Christian.

attracted

in

had had that he might be

I

that

that

I

had actually

what had been

Vassy, the boy-man,

than he knew,

to the point

where

the actual verbalization of such a fantasy was totally unacceptable to

him? Then,

another

could

as

I

flash. If

my

was sorting out

we

really

had had

tumbled confusion,

had

a past life experience together,

have been as mother and son? That thought,

it

I

I

knew,

I

shouldn't raise with him. I

stopped crying. "I'm sorry

mother,"

I

nor rejected In

sniffles,

to see

to

it

said

what

did about your

I

apologized.

Vassy said nothing.

light.

I

it.

He

He

neither acknowledged

just crawled

the quiet darkness,

back into bed.

He

is

evil in the

apology

turned out the

punctuated only by

he said, "Nif-Nif, there

my

world.

my I

residual

don't like

touch you."

My mind went white-blank. There was nothing more for me say. How could one argue good and evil where sexual fantasies

that hurt no one were concerned?

210

But

I

think

I

began to under-

Dancing

Stand a sexuality.

little

And

more about Vassy's relationship

bit

was disturbing

it

could succeed in getting

When, oh when, enough not

I

to allow the

bigger problem for me?

exhausted sleep.

in the Light

I

thing was certain.

I

me

to

me

to

his

own

that his personal hang-ups

so upset.

thought, will

I

ever learn to be mature

problems of others to become an even rolled over

toward Vassy and

fell

into an

wasn't sure what had really happened. But one I

would no longer be

211

a "radio" in bed.

m

ell,avrcr

I

lo

suppose when one

throes of a newly developing relationship,

it is

is

in the

necessary to overlook

accumulating obstacles, putting them on the back burner of the

mind,

until they can be

examined

in the clear, objective light of a

what Vassy and

later day.

That,

never

those obstacles were necessarily serious.

felt

I

believe,

is

I

did. I

Or maybe

he

couldn't have

either, not then, because after our "evil-incest" night, the subject

never came up again.

Why

would

it

though?

We

had so many

other areas to explore in one another.

Vassy loved his wild island.

He

led

me

along the jagged

He

overlooking the churning waters beneath.

And

everywhere.

I

took

my

Polaroid.

He

cliffs

took his camera

instructed

me

in light

exposures, framing, and attitudes to assume in front of the camera.

He was

moods

that

alternately delighted

seemed

to surge

and harsh depending on the

through him.

Vassy jogged every morning.

213

He seemed

to

need the insistent

MacLaine

Shirley

pain of runner's strain in order to

the reward of the rest of the

feel

Sometimes when he jogged,

day.

I

would run with him

could discuss whatever was interesting us

go

as far as

would jog

in circles

while there

around

me

moment. I would whereupon Vassy

at the

could, then stop and walk

I

fast,

we could continue

so

thought maybe he was training

I

Olympics. But no, he

we

so

talking. For a

for

some

secret

needed some kind of basic regimen to

really

allow himself the reckless wonder of what he was feeling.

We

walked and ran and talked through island

He

wheat, barley, and flowers.

even jogged in the

fields

muddy

of

rain one

morning. Vassy was more and more certain that Doctor's Wife would

make

a

good

film.

I

him contemplate aloud

loved to watch

the

visual images he wished to achieve. His eyes were double cameras.

They

registered multidimensional images in one flash.

He

never forgot a face.

never missed

on around him. But he didn't

much

And

he

of anything that went

really perceive the subtleties

emotional depth in people around him unless

it

was

and

a feeling he

himself could identify with. Either that, or he couldn't afford to

heap more emotional entrees on Eventually Vassy and

He

me

arranged for

to see

because

I

me

his films.

a quick

He

rundown on

the Russian

a great deal of his artistic motivation

He

had to do with rather complex intellectual symbolism.

and directed of them

cell.

tried to translate

found myself becoming more and more frustrated

was realizing that

I

were already there.

returned to Paris and our small

I

more of

the French subtitles and give

nuances, but

his plate than

his pictures, and, given the Soviet restrictions,

made

deep spiritual point.

a

difference, though,

I

1

wondered

if

most

couldn't decipher the

between what he regarded

he regarded as religious.

wrote

as spiritual

and what

he saw any significant

difference.

As Vassy ran by the purity of

his films for

his

me

one

after the other,

I

was struck

romanticism. The relationships that he painted

214

Dancing

in the Light

on the screen were storybook, yet etched with

smacked of the old

classics.

and wistfully patient

The

stances.

The heroines were

they accepted the fate of adverse circum-

as

heroes were buffeted by events while gamely attempt-

ing to contribute to the personalization of their

seemed

tragedy that

a

childishly playful

happy endings

to be allergic to

artful depictions of life

was

—

as

own

Vassy

lives.

though each of

his

remind the observer that destiny

to

is

cruel.

work

didn't really analyze his

I

me, but

before

I

in

such a way as

unfolded

it

was conscious of two things. One, he had been

deeply influenced by classic tragedies, and two, he seemed compelled to express a belief that, in the end, tragic that smiling

through

tears

life

was so romantically

was not only attractively appeal-

ing to the audience, but because of that appeal, a positive workable solution to any given problem was not only not inspiring but

could never be achieved.

which showed life.

It

I

wondered

so clearly in his

bothered me, but

I

if

Vassy 's "Russian" soul,

work, would be transmuted to his

brushed

it

away from

much more to enjoy. came on a sparkling Sunday morning

my mind

because

there was so

Easter

me

it

was

a

Russian Easter. Vassy took

me

and

in Paris,

to a Russian

for

Orthodox

church where we stood, mingling and respectful, with hundreds of others as they

lit

candles and said silent prayers to the altar of

Mary and Jesus. As

I

stood in the midst of the reverent Russian throng,

eyes glance at me, then up

themselves?

Some

of

at

Vassy.

them nodded

What were to

I

saw

they thinking to

him, some smiled, some

looked totally blank. Periodically Vassy

would lean down and whisper

my

in

that so-and-so was a famous gypsy singer or someone

else

ringleader of the dissident writers in Paris. There were old

who were

friends of his mother's,

developed screenplays which,

and colleagues with

not surprisingly,

215

whom

ear

the

women he had

had never been

Shirley

made.

It

MacLaine

seemed that the entire Russian community

come to the Easter service, which was somehow but more of a religious observance.

A No

in Paris

not really a service

boys' choir sang continuously,

accompanied by an organ.

We

stood and milled and stood

one

sat.

There were no pews.

and milled, each of us holding to a gigantic altar dripping

seemed

to be

a candle

with

and directing our attention

and quivering candles. There

lit

no organization or planned program. Instead, indi-

viduals participated in prayerful reverence as they saw I

had

fit.

watched, fascinated by the uncontrolled yet peacefully mill-

ing throng.

I

remembered

that Vassy had said the Russian people

needed order, otherwise there would be chaos. in a church.^

Was

the one place where

this

Was

this not true

recognized the

all

as God? The ceremony continued. Vassy took my hand. Very tenderly he held it, gently entwining his fingers through mine. The choir

higher authority

and organ music reached moist eyes closed

as

himself.

Somehow,

what he

called

When

a crescendo.

I

looked up

though he were making that promise included

me

a

woman

deep promise to

God. His eyes remained closed for my ear and said, to

him. His

in the presence of

they opened, he leaned to

taken a

at

a long while. "I

have never

church before."

After a while, Vassy guided us out. His smile dazzling, he

spoke in Russian to those

who came

on the steps of the church.

He

with his hands in his pockets he said,

When we

"Now we

introduced

know we were

the world should already

finally

to pay subtle

me

homage

casually, as

together.

He

to

him

though

stood

tall

he enjoyed the attention, until

as

have Russian meal in place near here."

entered the small restaurant, a blast of emotional

Russian voices flooded

my

ears

piroshkis, caviar, and vodka.

.

.

.

just casual conversation over

The smell 216

of pickles

hung pungently

Dancing

Waiters shouted

in the air.

in the Light

French and Russian across tables

in

packed with people and laughing children. Vassy asked

The waiter shouted some-

for a table for two.

thing in Russian which obviously meant, "Can't you see there are

me and

no tables?" The waiter then recognized

with a great flurry

escorted us to a quickly evacuated table while Vassy straightened his shoulders into a preen again.

We

down. Vassy surveyed the position of the

sat

menu. Immediately we were served

Satisfied, he ordered half the

iced

vodka

table.

chef came out to pay his respects to me. Three

as the

menus

waiters produced

me

for

to autograph,

proceeded to do, asking Vassy

how

which

I

to write certain

cheerfully

words

in

When I looked up into his face, his smile seemed a little He become quiet while the flurry of activity continued and

Russian. forced.

food arrived.

"You

which seemed always

face as usual,

my

"Yes,

marveling church,

honeybear,"

to

is

real

me

stuffing his

finally,

to be a cure for his woes.

answered. "It was beautiful.

I

how everybody seemed

at

how

"It

wanted

Russian Easter?" said Vassy

like

to

know what

to

do

was

I

in that

obey a kind of respectful order with each other."

democracy," he said with

a

certitude

that

he

to be sure not to miss.

"And were

there

many

dissidents there? All those writers and

people, are they dissidents or defectors or what?"

"They to

are friends

and they spend their

do about everything.

dissident. I

Sometimes they

sipped on

my

No

lives discussing

what

Russian wants to be defector or

are forced."

vodka while he chuggalugged

"And you? Will you be

a defector

his.

one day?"

"Myself? Never!" he said spiritedly. "It would be stupid thing for

them

happen.

to force I

try

my

me

to defect.

best to stay as

But I

217

I

am.

don't believe that I

will

work

in

would

West and

MacLaine

Shirley

You

prove that Soviet can be recognized everywhere in world.

will

see."

"Yes, Honeybear,"

my

said, feeling

I

heart turn over at the

Did he

impossible task Vassy had set for himself.

how

realize

hard-nosed and competitive movie making was in the West,

whether

Was

was Europe or America.^

it

he

as

hard-nosed and

competitive himself?

That he was

a brilliant

filmmaker, there was no doubt. But

who

there were brilliant Western filmmakers

much

an

less

even though

unknown I

Russian.

admired

I

was very well aware of

couldn't get work,

undaunted courage

his

probably unbridled

his

ambition.

suppose

I

was sometime during that Easter day that

it

I

felt

myself decide to support the idea of working and living with Vassy in California. I

knew was

learning.

liked the challenge of helping a Russian

I

a fine artist

and more

—

there was

whom

and with

As with most of

my

life,

it

also enjoyed loving

I

was

who and

to be another adventure,

still

the matter of our previous lives to

after the

gargantuan meal had been consumed,

explore. So, I

sometime

"Well, Honeybear,

said,

a few days.

Why

don't you

Maybe we can

while?

we could work

He

I'll

be leaving to return to California in

come with me and

stay in

Malibu

for a

get something going with Doctor's Wife and

together."

"You

straightened up in his chair.

are proposing that

I

your place in Malibu?"

live in

"Why

not?"

I

said.

"See

how you

like

You

it.

like

the

ocean?"

His sun-lit smile flooded are

my

sunshine.

You

his face.

are crazy.

I

am

"Nif-Nif," he said, "you

The world

crazy.

returned to Paris to live and find work here. States

and find work

with your help.

You

there.

I

will fulfill

will see."

218

my

Now

I

is

crazy.

I

will return to

dream, God's willing,

Dancing

in the Light

The thing about Vassy was he doing, ambition and

all.

I

began

you exactly what he was

told

wonder then what the

to

differ-

ence was between hard ambition and glorified, intense dreaming.

Weren't

all

of us propelled and motivated by visions and desires

own

that best fulfilled avenues for our

using me, so

self-expression? If he

Didn't each of us use the people in our

what.''

own

insure, through friendship, our

his

dinner.

I

navigated us back to the

for us,

and

asleep

I fell

far

than the

poured him into the front

Mercedes and, through the complicated Parisian

how up

we had had

night

lives to

personal growth.''

Vassy proceeded to gtt very drunk, drunker by first

The

cell.

was

wondering

streets,

seat of

some-

Easter rabbits were waiting

if

the spiritual dimension

we

shared was the glue that actually held us together despite our

obviously glaring differences.

Vassy woke with

liver

trouble, a bad headache,

congested

lungs, and a fierce determination to jog in the gardens despite all.

Russian army was built of

If the

better to settle

SALT

men

like

paperwork involved affairs in Paris.

to visit his

me

and settling

Yugoslav friend Milanka, who had traced him to

leave

after

you there while

That seemed

fair

the his

have to see his lawyer and he wanted us

I

"She knows me," he said I

it

would be

rundown of

a

in arranging for his U.S. visa

He would

house in Malibu the day

enjoy.

it

II.

jogged with him while he gave

I

him,

I

enough.

met him. by way of

make I

a warning.

"You

my will

business."

could ask her

lots

of questions

about him.

He

jogged his

five miles

while

I

stretched on a park bench for

three of them. Like a brass ring, Vassy grabbed

of his

last

mile and

we jogged back

me up

at the

end

to the cell, his liver, headache,

and lungs either cleared up or shoved under,

I

couldn't decide

which.

We gobbled

some

garlic cheese

219

and crackers and then splashed

Shirley

around with the Water Pik while

MacLaine

in the shower.

He

nuzzled the rabbits

We

took another Polaroid picture of him.

I

dressed and

the cell looking as though Napoleon had just ransacked

me

Vassy ushered

left

it.

into the spacious apartment of his friend

Milanka. She had a glint in her eye which meant our relationship

was the most colorful subject of Slavic gossip she had had to talk about in a long time.

am

"I

voice.

not surprised at all," she said in her deep, well-used

"You two

You

trouble.

combustible combination.

are

with

are nice

she

her.''"

Much

demanded

fire,

much

of Vassy in an

accusatory manner, indicating that she had watched his behavior

through many women. Vassy stretched out on her couch, the daylight playing across his face. "Milanka," he

of

my

life.

announced,

"I

do not know anything

I

"And you?"

have finally met the

else.

I

will be myself."

said Milanka, not wasting a

talk or tea before getting right to the point.

knowing what he Oh, been no

"He trailing

moment with "You

love this

small

man

is.'*"

my God,

secret. "Is

I

thought. His checkered past has certainly

he that bad, Milanka?"

I

asked.

Russian," she answered.

is

There

woman

it

him

was again. Not because he was Vassy with like a

his past

grade-Z movie, but simply because he was

What were all these people trying to tell me? "You have been involved with a Russian before?" she demanded to know, with her hands squarely on her hips. "In love Russian.

have you been involved with a Russian?"

"No," know. "But was

fine,

I I

answered meekly, did have a short

as

affair

though she had

a

right to

with a Yugoslav like you.

It

but he was too rough in bed."

Milanka threw back her head and laughed. "She said to Vassy. "She

is

good

for you.

220

No

bullshit.

is

good," she

She will not be

Dancing

That will be your problem." She turned to me.

one of your

slaves.

"All of his

women

I

down

sat

in the Light

He

have been slaves.

You

insists.

beside Vassy. "Is that true?"

will see."

asked like Alice in

I

Wonderland. "That

Women

slaves.

You "And

time

are slaves because they

no hesitation.

want

to be.

You

"I

like

are

my

will not be slave."

equal.

this

correct," he answered with

is

you," said Milanka to Vassy, "will have big trouble .

.

big trouble ...

.

I

am

very happy.

Now

you would

like a coffee?"

nodded. Vassy nodded.

I

my face. With no onto my lap, stood up,

looked into

Milanka stared "This son.

He

is

small boy of about two years

He walked

toddled into the living room.

directly

A

me

directly over to

and

shyness or reluctance he climbed

and

laid his

head on

my

shoulder.

him.

at

my

doesn't

"My

son," she said in astonishment.

He

strangers.

like

never

is

smallest

friendly.

don't

I

understand what he has just done." She stopped a moment, looking

at

him

closely.

"Dimitri," she said, addressing are

him gently

in Serbian,

felt

I

Dimitri

He

smiled.

"I don't

Vassy

my

head and look

sat

at

his

mother.

She

shoulder and put one of his

up on the couch, having witnessed the young is clear," he said. "Dimitri knows Sheerlee from a

That

is

at

life.

my

neck.

looked over

previous

his

understand," said Milanka.

toddler too. "It

I

lift

replaced his head on

arms around

all."

Milanka.

"Is true," she said. "Is the only explanation.

to

"what

you doing?"

He

is

speaking

you from deep memory." I

his face

lifted

Dimitri's

head gently from

toward me, and looked deep into

221

his

my

shoulder,

round open

turned

eyes.

They

MacLaine

Shirley

He

were blue-green and trusting and wise. with that unnerving, unbHnking

Then he smiled

of curiosity.

did not. But

human his

if

I

as

eyes

bestow on objects

though he understood something

I

were looking into the eyes of a small

thousands of years old, and with each passing minute in he would forget where he came from and become as

life

unknowing

He

as

was.

I

blinked

knowingness his

felt as

I

my

gazed into

stare that babies

head to

my

Milanka

"We

at last, his eyelids

in order to

moment of He returned

shoulder and refused to move.

sat

must

more than we

screening off that

cope with the world of now.

openmouthed. Vassy

just smiled.

respect the young,"

he said.

We

do.

"They remember

with age. They are pure

are corrupted

truth."

Milanka looked the

though she were seeing him

as

for

time. Vassy stood up.

first

"This," he said,

She recognizes me. the West.

I

"is

And

why

Sheerlee

is

her face and soul

have been looking for her

found her and we

the is

all

woman

of

the reason

my

life.

I

my

life.

came

Now

to

have

I

shall see."

Milanka stood in such

Vassy

at

still.

terms before.

She had apparently not heard Vassy speak

had never heard

I

speak in such terms either.

He was

a

man

I

was involved with

touching on dimensions

I

had

only speculated upon and never experienced with love in another

human

being. Friendship, yes. Love, not until now.

The

level of the conversation obviously curtailed

intended interrogation.

Nothing she had planned

Milanka's

made

to ask

sense. Instead she talked about herself.

"As

for

me," she began,

different father.

I

"I

have three sons. Each son has

don't agree with marriage, only children.

son twenty-one years.

You

will

middle son, eleven, and Dimitri,

222

I

have

He can be father for two years. Men are nuisance to

meet him.

Dancing

have around.

new

business.

will never

I

You know

marry unless

it

I

meet millionaire

to start

nice millionaire.'*"

She was perfectly serious. tional,

/« the Light

If

was archaic compared

thought

I

my

life

was unconven-

to Milanka's. at Dimitri,

Vassy took his leave, smiling

who

still

rested on

shoulder. He said he would come for me in a few hours, then we would have dinner at La Coupole. Milanka made coffee while her housekeeper collected Dimitri to dress him for a ride in his pram. I told him I would be there when he returned, not to worry. He seemed to understand my

my

emotional meaning even though he spoke no English, and willingly went with the

buxom

housekeeper.

Milanka served

coffee,

lit

a cigarette,

and delved more into

the saga of Vassily Okhlopkhov-Medvedjatnikov's

She men-

life.

tioned a few other actresses he had been with, particularly one

who

was extremely accomplished and famous, but who had had a difficult time letting herself go sexually unless she was plied with booze. Milanka didn't mince words

when

gossiping or at any other

time. She got right to the nitty-gritty. She said Vassy and the actress

had had screaming shouting matches which

both of

left

them exhausted and unhappy, and she, Milanka, couldn't understand what either one of them was doing with the other. The actress

had obvious intelligence and

fine

judgment. She was not

Russian and according to Milanka had the same trouble with Vassy's "Russianness" that exactly

I

would soon encounter.

Is

I

"Being Russian

is

a state of

different than any other Slavic person."

"Well, what.-*"

asked her

what she meant.

"Is difficult to explain," she said.

mind.

I

is

it

because of the repression of the society,

or

asked.

"No, not what you think. Russians the degree of their anarchy, that's

by the state.

They

why

as individuals are free in

they needed to be restricted

are crazy, cruel, wonderful, passionate,

223

impos-

Shirley

What

sible.

survive

He

it.

can

I

You

say?

will see.

For that reason

That

loves your talent.

is

how

has instructed you So,

what

I

clear.

are not a slave.

But he

woman

why he

You

will

v/ants you.

really loves you.

He

has

Will be interesting.

before. "

to eat yet?

wasn't the only one.

else in the

You

don't understand

I

never had experience of equal

He

MacLatm

"Yes,"

answered, wondering

I

way of duplicate behavior

patterns

I

was experi-

encing with Vassy.

"And your smoking?" "He doesn't approve." "Of course. He is crazy when he

He

nags and nags because he

likes to give orders.

His mother?

him scream

You

How

cares.

has something in his mind.

think he nags because he

I

have met his mother?"

would

I

meet

his

mother?

I

had only heard

inconsequentialities to her during a casual interna-

tional telephone tete-a-tete.

"No,"

I

said to Milanka. "Isn't she in

You

"Correct.

will

meet her soon.

with the mother. Wants her son

"No, what's he "They

Moscow?"

He will insist. Take care You have met brother?"

for herself.

like?"

Impossible with

are same.

women, but

talented as

men." I

sipped

my

coffee,

wanting to know more, but not wanting

to invade Vassy 's privacy, although privacy did not

matter of consideration

among

the Slavs.

On

seem

to be a

the contrary, every-

one's business cheerfully belonged to everyone else.

The West-

erners were the ones obsessed with privacy.

The "It for us

doorbell rang. is

my

gypsy singer friend," said Milanka. "She will play

and sing. She will sing with her

your heart now,

my

dear.

heart.

Never forget

You

to feel

are feeling

with

with your brain

also."

Milanka walked

to the door, clad in her

224

white overalls, and

Dancing

ushered in a raven-haired ately to the piano as

in the Light

woman who

though music was

me

polluted world. She nodded to

began

entered and went immedifresh air in a clogged,

with a smile of greeting and

to play, singing in a voice that rose

from her

toes.

felt

I

was watching a three-dimensional performer in a movie that

I I

could reach out and touch. The rhythm and passion of her song

took hold of I

me

immediately, arresting

know what

didn't

my

coffee

cup

she was singing about but

in midair.

was

it

dramatic, so intense, so urgent, a self-expression of such acy that

it

The put

my

woman

held

me

so

all

immedi-

entranced.

intensity of her rhythm and emotion began to grow.

cup down smiled,

carefully, afraid that

realizing that she

it

had

I

clatter.

The gypsy

me now. Her

voice was

might

whiskey-velvet and her huge right foot began pounding the floor as the theatrical Slav in her

came pouring out

spilling into Milanka's living

room.

I

across the piano,

found myself rising from the couch and beginning to move

involuntarily with the urgency of her escalating rhythm.

dug

into the

wooden

Flamenco dancer. and before that

I

knew

I

stamped

it,

I

in

like

feet

time with the compelling music

was whirling and bending with gyrations

accompained the feeling that surged through me.

myself,

My

floor one foot at a time like a challenged

the music.

I

my

remembered

mother

I

felt Slavic

telling

thirty-five years before, that one's origins didn't prevent

me,

one from

experiencing the emotions of another culture. Emotions, she said,

were everything. Understand the emotions and you can become

whomever you

wish. But

how was

it

possible to understand the

emotional depth of a passionate Russian Slav when you were a white-bread American

Protestant.-*

something that was to Then again it flashed in my mind occur to me many times for the duration of my relationship with Vassy. Had we both experienced a previous life together in Russia? .

Had

I

.

.

once been Russian myself and was that

225

why

I

had

felt

so

Shirley

him from

familiar with

the

MacLaine

stamped and shouted words that were

moment

first

My

words were anyway. depicted what

I

I

Maybe they Maybe that's all

didn't understand.

I

conglomerated sounds,

just

on him?

laid eyes

I

I

don't know.

arms rose into positions

was feeling from the music.

best

felt

I

them

crossed

I

in

peasant fashion and

made up

my

had danced those steps many times before.

body.

felt

I

I

Perhaps every role before.

Maybe

We

I

steps that jarred through the rest of

had played was

a role

acting was the art form of

had somehow lived

I

remembered

identities.

sang and shouted and danced together throughout the

afternoon, until Vassy returned to pick

me

up.

in on our multicultural Russian spectacle, he

When

he walked

watching and

sat

smiling for a while.

"My we

will

Nif-Nif," he said finally, "you will do that in the film

make

together, and Milanka will be a character.

You

will

community in Paris during the scenes of your second honeymoon and we will show how your leading character

find a Russian

responds to cultures that are buried in her past. call

song

the film Dancing in the as the

me

detached.

I

will

will have Cole Porter's

his creative plans he

seemed

though he were looking through

as

we

think

theme song."

As Vassy outlined ing

Dark and we

I

felt like

a piece of putty

according to his theatrical desires.

were different, would

I

say so, or

to be

a camera,

which he intended

And

would

if I

my

watchslightly

to

mold

emotional desires

accept his written and

directorial concepts as an actress responding professionally to her director's wishes? faith

when

Simply put, could

knew

I

that

I

knowledge of me? Would

would play

into a

mold

I

work with him

was being manipulated by I

feel that

in

good

his intimate

he was forcing the character

that was familiar to

him

I

rather than

familiar to her?

He

said

good-bye to our gypsy afternoon. Milanka poked

226

Dancing

in the Light

Vassy in the chest and warned him she would be monitoring his behavior and he had better not insist on being too Russian.

When we

returned to dress for dinner,

I

cleaned up the

removing the wilted lettuce and the hard-crusted

now permeated the room. we got back from dinner.

smell of which

blow out before

cell,

garlic cheese, the

would

all

bed Vassy began to pack his bags

for

I

hoped

it

didn't.

It

Before

we went

to

America. Sasha would be renting the place to someone Vassy would store his remaining belongings in a

would keep

him.

for

He

and

put the rabbits on top of the box, saying

we

they would take care of everything until

Then he went

else

box which Sasha

to his big table

on which

returned someday.

lay a

huge and ancient

Russian Bible. "Nif-Nif," he said, "I want you to have this Bible.

belonged in

my

with It

family for hundreds of years. love you and

I

want you

to carry

It

is

for

has

you now

with us always.

it

will return with us to California." lifted the Bible. It

I

it.

my

love.

It

It

weighed about twenty pounds.

was extraordinary. In ancient Russian

mankind from

script

I

opened

was the story of

the Russian Orthodox point of view.

was

It

illus-

trated with colored drawings and the thick leather-bound covering

was worn with age.

It

was

museum piece. much to Vassy as

clearly a

ously very valuable and meant as

was obvi-

It

anything he

owned.

"Thank you, Honeybear," and

it I

will be with

I

said. "I will take

good

care of

it

you anyway."

didn't want to think of what he

would do with

this Bible if

our relationship didn't work out.

Vassy and travel to the

I

left for

California.

U.S. and was

full

delight his Hollywood friends with the ocean,

we played games with

He

obtained a multiple visa to

of ideas and surprises he

when he

returned. Flying over

each other which only

221

would

new

lovers

Shirley

MacLaine

can concoct to make magic out of being with each other. delight.

We

watched

a

comedy

America that made us laugh

film about

CIA

It

spies in

so loud the stewardess

was a South

complained

we were keeping other passengers awake. We ate whatever the economy class offered, which, because we were together, tasted gourmet. Then we fell into a high-altitude sleep and when we landed in L.A., we were both aware that a new and unorthodox that

life lay

ahead of

us.

228

WtC 11 CkMCY

I my

quaintance with

was glad Vassy had an

place in Malibu.

which bathroom he would

use,

He

ac-

had already decided

where the Water Pik would go,

and which side of the bed he would sleep on.

He knew

what

just

food he would buy at the health-food store, and tested the blender to

ensure that

it

was

in

good running

order.

He

stacked his

records beside the hi-fi system and unloaded his Russian books into the bookcase across from the bed.

drawers and

made room

his trousers (three pair)

which he assumed was

for his shirts

and

for

his

him.

two

He

He

cleared out

two of

and two sweaters. jackets in an

my

He hung

empty

closet

placed his two pairs of street

shoes and a pair of dress shoes out of the seventeenth century neatly

next to his tennis racket.

He unpacked

his

hair tonic,

Jaragan cologne, and electric razor and stacked them neatly on the sink.

He

placed his scripts and notepaper beside the bed and hid

his passport

in a

drawer that didn't look like a drawer.

229

I

was

MacLaim

Shirley

amused by

that piece of intrigue because he had left the valuable

we

passport on the airport bus before

was gone and retrieved could be broken into

document

that allowed

in time.

it

Now,

had noticed

my

though

as

him freedom. He gently placed

it

house

the heavy

we

chest across from the bed where

After he had arranged his

sleep.

I

any time, he was insuring the safety of the

my Bombay

Russian Bible on

would

at

left Paris.

sneakers and went out to jog.

new

life,

looked around

I

swift directorial takeover, and laughed at

what

I

he put on his

my

place at his

had gotten myself

into.

In between writing

of Out on a Limb),

I

(I

was finishing one of the several drafts

began rehearsals

for a

Vassy had meetings with producers.

begun

a

It

new

was

television special.

as

though we had

together respecting immediately that each of us had

life

schedules to keep.

had never lived with anyone

I

had always been

a place

where

I

in

went

my

apartment

to think

in

Malibu.

It

Now

it

and write.

came

alive

man

being.

I

loved the feeling.

When

I

wasn't writing or rehearsing, Vassy and

with communication between myself and another huIt

was

a delight. I

took long

walks in the Calabasas Mountains and we found a special

enough for him to negotiate so that he some good out of it. He was as strong as

that was painful really getting

had the stamina to match. as

much

we enjoyed

on our walks

did and also liked to test

he was on the

as

set or

me

famous Water Pik. As we trekked he gave

to hold

how

my

posture, which

to breathe.

before,

If

he scolded

way

he had seen

me

to

bend

my

me smoke

it

was exhausted climbing the

I

and

daily.

was

So

just

with food or

pointers on

legs,

how

and of course,

a cigarette the night

and blamed any slowness

exhibiting on the smoking. If

he was

a bull

testing our stamina against each other. Vassy

as enthusiastic

his

I

felt

man who had

had never been with a

I

physical stamina as

fire trail

I

might be

had had only two hours sleep and

trails,

250

he blamed

it

on

a cigarette

I

Dancing

had had

few days before. Walking with Vassy was not only a

a

was

also

also kept

me

loving experience,

own

in the Light

good.

It

it

an athletic event to be endured for one's

nature of the mountains around me.

mind

and opened

in shape

Whenever

my

eyes to the

my When

walked alone,

I

crackled with thoughts and ideas and solutions.

trekked with Vassy,

was aware of every wild flower and vibrant

I

green bush.

He would

mountain

and was able

air

stop and

inhale

long breaths of fresh

and identify every smell of

to isolate

He was

nature that passed through his nose.

and fauna

I

an expert on

flora,

too; exclaiming over this or that plant, greeting another

an old friend. He'd crinkle up the eucalyptus leaves and pass

like

them under tion.

If

my

nose like smelling salts and watch

failed to react

I

draw them away from

me

though

as

chances never lasted long. "Nature said.

"Mankind

We'd

me

for apprecia-

with passionate pleasure, he'd quickly

is

I

had had

my

chance and

the province of

God," he

doesn't understand her delicate mysteries."

we walked, about

talk, as

history of a certain

composer or

pictures and music and the

artist that his

mother knew. Vassy

seemed

to be deeply involved

nature.

In his view a person's recognition of the laws of nature

were in direct

had

ratio to their

with the individual's relationship to

understanding of

a sophisticated appreciation for food

life.

He

obviously

combining and herbal

medicines, but he also respected the spiritual knowledge of the seven chakkra energy centers along the spinal column in relation to

my

And

cosmic harmony.

yoga instructor out Vassy took to

yoga

is,

it

of course,

to

soon after

Malibu

we were

together,

I

brought

to give us a lesson.

immediately except

physically painful at

for

one thing. Hatha

first,

approached with gentle discipline, never with

but

force.

it

is

to

be

Vassy would

stand in front of the mirror as though he were revving himself up for the

Chinese torture chamber, setting his face in an expression

of such determined misery that I'd burst out laughing and lose

balance in a posture.

He

didn't find

231

my

my

laughter amusing. He'd

Shirley

say

had no sensitivity to

I

even more. Vassy would lift

MacLaine

need

his

on the

lie

for pain,

making me laugh

floor in front of the mirror

and

himself in the cobra position until he nearly broke his back.

Then, of course,

I

would have

to stop laughing long

enough

to try

and help him extricate himself from permanent curvature of the spine.

He was

that force was the best approach.

correct,

simply

world

then even more determined to prove that he was

Vassy.'' if

was

afraid to speculate

Was

this Russian,

on the implications

or

for the

the need to suffer was true of an entire nation.

The

sessions

my

because

I

with

teacher,

my

yoga instructor were

less

maniacal

Bikram, wouldn't allow such determined

self-torture. "It

unnecessary,

is

"Yoga can be

Vassy," he would say.

painful but only because you are gently realigning the body in relation to

on your

its

energy.

And

your body will react to the expression

Relax your expression.

face.

It

will determine

how you

approach your body."

Vassy would

listen because

Bikram was an

expert, but

I

saw

him looking for a way to avoid curing his misery and soon he found one. Through conversations after yoga class, he discovered that Bikram was a lover of Rolls-Royces. It wasn't long before Vassy was concentrating on cars instead of relaxing into health. continued with the yoga and Vassy got into

During

this

television special

time,

my

the offices of the producers

me.

I

began

personality ity

to

rehearsals progressed

and Vassy would pick

me up

who were producing

on

nicely

my

meetings

after

at

the special with

understand the invisible power of a

—even when people had no

I

cars.

commanding

idea whether that personal-

was anybody or not. I

didn't say

friend, but

I

much

to

my

friends

about

my new

Russian

suppose the word got around anyway. Perhaps

the fact that he was a real Russian which precipitated reactions, but

whenever Vassy walked into

232

a

it

was

some of the

room, the conversa-

Dancing

tion

would come

in the Light

to a grinding halt because everyone there sensed

now in the presence of a "somebody." It was hard to define how that worked exactly. They didn't stop the flow of concentration and conversation because they didn't want him to hear. It was more that his energy was so commanding that he simply could not be ignored. His need to command attention was so strong that he achieved his purpose with very little effort. The they were

would

spiritualists

emanated from

attribute

his aura

to his aura.

it

which

An

said "Notice

inaudible language

me." His physical

appearance was certainly striking enough to cause such reactions regardless, but then after

how he least

on

still

continued to function

as a director, not

helmsman on any movie

set

at

only because the director

but also because he personally

adored individualism and insisted that in the creative process

So intense was his respect for individual

respected. that

—

need to be the center of attention was

intrinsic

important to his work the

co-workers became acquainted with

social occasions.

Vassy's

is

my

looked, his arresting quality

sometimes

One

it

seemed outrageously "Russian"

evening, as

I

to

it

be

"presence"

me.

was rehearsing the dance numbers

my

for

gymnasium in downtown Hollywood, Vassy dropped by to watch me work. I knew he was coming and had invited him, although he knew he was free to watch anytime he wanted to. special in a big

When we walked over

what he saw.

dancers were rung out and ready to call

it

quits,

I

him, greeted him, and asked him how he liked

to

He nodded

fine,

the low-key response go by;

I

but didn't go into any detail.

was

tired

and wanted

I

let

to get to food.

At dinner, however, he was morose.

"You

not pay enough

attention

when

I

visit

you

at

re-

hearsal," he said. "I

what?"

"When acknowledge

I

I

asked, genuinely perplexed.

enter room,

me

you continue to work. You don't

at all."

255

MacLaine

Shirley

Oh

brother,

thought. There

I

trouble here. In America

is

nothing interfered with the concentration of people

make

perhaps in Russia one was supposed to

work. But

at

a big deal out of a

fellow artist walking into a room.

"Are you

"Of

serious.-^"

continue your work.

You

"No, Honeybear," that

you

are there.

doing. I'd love as

it if

asked.

I

he answered.

course,"

I

I

am

"I

not

don't care whether said, "I

am

1

there."

do care that you

are there.

love that you are interested in

you would give

me

You

insignificant.

I

love

what I'm

constructive criticism, too,

long as you don't suggest that you rechoreograph. But I'm a

America we don't interrupt

professional dancer and in

all

the other

dancers in order to greet a friend."

He

We

were

we both

didn't smile.

special.

costs are astronomical. I

had

later,

Taping

with limited stamina.

point of view.

of dinner because

rest

I

think

would be an explosive argument otherwise.

few weeks

a

my

my

didn't acknowledge

through most of the

silent

realized there

Then, taping

He

It

I

began the four-day marathon of

a special is

Time

cruel is

recommended

not

is

to people

and punishing because taping

money.

simple

It's as

as that.

monologue-in-song to do which ran about nine

a

minutes. Television directors don't work as intricately with performers as film directors do. There rehearsing

my

the script of

"This

is

no time. Vassy had seen

is

monologue-in-song alone

it.

I

gave

it

to

I

said, "it's television.

thought to myself,

experience in a small way what "Sure,"

I

We

down

sat

me

to read

him.

I

think

"Maybe," he answered, "however, I

home and asked

soap opera," he said with finesse.

"Well," Well,

at

it

this

I

it

will

work."

have some ideas."

would be

would be

a

good

like to

trial

run to

work with him.

said excitedly. "Let's do. I'd love it."

together while he broke

down

the emotional

requirements of the acting. Then we began to work.

234

Dancing

With it

each line of either prose or

should be done.

mind.

listened

I

He

ing.

in the Light

He would

my

and to

me

stop

delight

reminiscent of what

was imaginative and charm-

it

was magical, although

We

had

I

do

seen his actresses

But

childlike quality.

playful,

doing.

how

and explain what was in his

suggested pieces of business and emphasis on emotional

attitude. Nearly every suggestion

same

he had an idea of

lyric,

it

worked

minute of

woman

what the

identify with

pleased

particularly

it,

what

for

worked together for an hour or so and

I

—

the

was

I

enjoyed every

he seemed

that

were

all

in his films

so

able

to

was singing about was going

I

through. "I

am

partially female,

you know," he said interestingly.

identify with the female sensibility often. It

times

I

spent as a

woman

possibility of myself having been a

who

people

feminine.

I

dealt

me

with

had made

life-

man

had considered the

I

long ago, since so

today found

me

ballsy

as

many

well

as

kind of study of male and female energy.

a

The female energy was

the yin energy,

hemisphere of the brain.

It

residing

in

the right

controlled mystical, receptive, intu-

The

itive, artistic characteristics.

yang

from several

long ago."

think that was ridiculous.

didn't

I

is

"I

side) controlled assertive,

left

hemisphere of the brain (the

logical,

and linear char-

active,

acteristics.

Both Vassy and

I

seemed

to exemplify the characteristics of

each. Each of us had male and female qualities in our personalities.

The combustion between ourselves identically at the "I

know how women

am good woman's I

wanted

sensitivity to

help and said ate

what

I

when each

of us expressed

same time. feel,"

Vassy went on. "That

is

why

I

director."

to ask

women I

us occurred

him why he

couldn't seem to extend the same

in real life but instead

I

thanked him

thought the director of the special

would bring

to the scene the next day,

255

for his

would appreciand of course

Shirley

Vassy and

MacLaine

would both consider the help he had given me

I

a

private matter so as not to tread on the director's territory. Vassy

nodded but

said nothing.

The next day

the stage and lighting was set for the scene.

Vassy was there to observe to

me

"booth,"

We

we

as

back of the

for a take.

set.

involvement

finished

I

shadows directly into the

I

headed

In private

new-found personal

and

lit

take,

set,

where he proceeded

also to explain to

all

long.

me what

I

to loudly

had done wrong.

room, motioning Vassy to follow me.

for the ladies'

direction obvious to

last

Vassy walked from the

the

thanked him, but said

I

by voice.

show. However, his control didn't

in the

my work

me

could see Vassy in the shadows at the

I

particularly with his

his,

The minute praise

working from the

director was

appreciated his control in not feeling that the

I

sound stage was

exhibition of what he had suggested

TV

and directed

call it,

went

my

The

the night before.

I

preferred not to have his

the technicians and most particularly not

to the real director.

"Of

course," he said, understanding completely because he

would not have

liked

it

if

another director had done the same

thing to him. Vassy could always understand something

could identify with

The

third day of taping

close friends

knew

if

it,

but

I

fell

my

on

birthday.

didn't like to broadcast

Some

it.

of

all,

Bella

frankly

I

Abzug and

was shy and didn't

and

like the attention.

her husband, Martin, were in

staying with Vassy and me.

my

First of all,

any celebration would interfere with our tight schedule, second of

he

it.

They found Vassy

town and

colorfully

and

amusingly Russian, intrigued because of their own Russian ancestry.

But

as

time went on they also found themselves learning

how profound our

differences actually were.

They came

to the

taping and arranged for a cake and champagne to be wheeled out

during a break.

I

finished the song

236

I

was taping. The assistant

Dancing

in the Light

director beckoned for the "surprise" cake and

champagne and

the

crew sang "Happy Birthday."

We

period to enjoy ourselves, but

noticed Vassy was nowhere to be

seen.

I

I

stopped taping for a brief

asked for him and Bella said she had seen him in

dressing room, where she had informed

There wasn't

for the surprise party.

we

An

went back

finished our partying and

hour or so

my

stumbled into

we

later,

up

to the set

for conjecture, so

to work. Still

no Vassy.

finished the third day's taping and

room exhausted. As Sears Roebuck couch,

I

walked

I

in, there

staring at nothing

room.

"There you are,"

I

lost in the labyrinth of

my

brought out

His

to hurry

dressing

was Vassy seated on the across the

him

much time

my

cake?

happy

said, so

CBS

We

hallways.

to see that he hadn't gotten

"Where were you when they

missed you, Honeybear."

was frowning and hard-set.

face

"Where were

youT' he asked harshly, yet with a touch of

petulance born out of something

I

didn't understand.

"Where was U What do you mean.'* I was taping on the but we stopped for a few minutes for cake and champagne." "You should have come for me," said Vassy with a face granite. Except for the look

kidding. Putting

me

on

his face

I

really

set,

like

thought he was

on.

"Are you serious?"

I

laughed. "It was great cake and

embarrassed when they made

a fuss over

me, but

if

I

was

nobody had

would have been worse." "You should have come for me," Vassy repeated. Jesus, I thought, he's really not kidding. But what did he

done anything

it

mean? Still in

in

tow

(as

my

costume, with the makeup

they usually are with performers

I

rounded

sequins scraping the wood, and put

my arm

mess themselves up because the coffee table,

around Vassy,

my

who

man and hairdresser who can't afford to

it

takes too long to repair),

clearly felt left out.

257

MacLaine

Shirley

"What's wrong,

come

my

to

my

honeybear?"

makeshift party.

couldn't leave

wish you had

"I

wondered where you were, but

I

come and

those people to

all

asked.

I

get you.

was happening, didn't you? Bella told you, didn't

You knew

I

it

she.-*"

His expression became even grimmer. "Of course," he answered, leaving

of

it

all?"

me somewhat

why

"Well,

perplexed as to what was going on.

come

didn't you

to the set, then,

and be

a part

asked.

I

Vassy turned to me, not

concerned that

at all

my

professional

retinue was watching. "I was waiting for you to invite

me," he

said.

"Invite you?"

You know

said.

I

"You

don't need to be invited, Honeybear.

that."

"That

"What

not correct," he went on.

is

is

not correct?"

I

asked, feeling angry

same time stupid, thinking that

Maybe his choice makeup man and

I

now and

at the

must be missing something.

of English words was really the problem.

The

hairdresser discreetly excused themselves into

the hallway for a while. "Please, Vassy, explain to

me what

is

bothering you."

"You should understand." "Well,

I

dont.''

My

voice was distinctly impatient. "I was

working against the clock and when we had the surprise party we couldn't take all

much time

to

do that

either.

I'm sure you understand

that." "I

"that

I

understand," he continued with steamroller persistence,

was waiting

in this

room

to be invited to your party,

and

you did not invite me. You were insensitive and not concerned with

my I

feelings

—

was floored.

not at all."

He

was dead

serious.

"You must have someone come should come to me." I

controlled,

with an

effort,

258

He

to

continued.

me,

at

least.

the anger welling

up

But you in

me.

Dancing

What

in the Light

did he think shooting a

TV

was

special

—

ceremonial

a

picnic?

moment,"

"Just a

and

let

my

me

people take

Vassy

sat in the

"Let

said.

I

me

get out of these sequins

go home, okay?"

apart so they can

middle of the couch with

his feet planted

He didn't acknowledge that people who already felt uncomfort-

firmly in front of him, not moving.

he was upsetting everyone

.

.

.

him because they sensed in some primitive way that they did not do things the way he expected things to be done. I called my people in from the hallway. With their customary, but able around

touching, professional discretion, they took the hair ornaments out of

my wig

and wiped the painted makeup from

my

They

face.

spoke swiftly and professionally about the requirements for the following day's shooting and

By

left.

to prepare for all of us to leave.

could

come

that time Bella and Martin had

feel

As soon

that trouble was brewing.

I

as

room

to the dressing

they walked in, they

had had enough time to

work up an anger born out of confused frustration and couldn't control myself.

Vassy had not relented one iota and in himself into his attitude even further.

I

fact

could

his rigid posture. Flashes of the rehearsal hall

Russian artist" attitude crossed

my

mind.

I

have prevented what was happening, but

angry by the moment.

It

is

day was

it

it,

Bella,

common

by his

feet

I

and

and the "respected

wondered how

was another

money" circumstance. Where

alism, or even

had entrenched

I

could

was growing more

was one thing to accuse

exhibiting proper respect, but

"time

tell

to

me

demand

of not it

in a

the hell was his profession-

consideration for that matter?

Whose

birth-

anyway? wanting to be friendly and communicative,

said, "Vassy,

why didn't you come and enjoy the champagne and birthday cake?

We

told you

it

was being wheeled in."

259

MacLaine

Shirley

He

started a Russian village

knew about

her that could have

at

was not invited," he stated.

"You know you were

invited.

We

all

it."

"Never mind," he Bella's

"I

fire.

"Invited?" she asked.

sat alone

room

blazed a look across the

"Sheerlee

said.

and uninvited

must

room

in this dressing

me

collect

—

as

herself.

I

an outsider."

eyebrows went up. Vassy continued, "Sheerlee

is

insensitive

and cruel."

That did

my mind

Maybe

it.

that

it

was because the thought haci crossed

should see where he was

I

cake and had promptly decided

room was

too far away.

time because to accuse

me

It

had seemed the sensible decision

of being insensitive

at the

when

him

was exhausted and frankly

I

I

could take.

took a breath to blast him but Vassy had more to say. "She

was not concerned

at all

with

my

feelings," he said to Bella,

looked uncharacteristically helpless, "she behaved I

was cutting the

I

honestly thought he had gotten waylaid. For

I

confused by his demands was more than I

when

couldn't leave because the dressing

I

my

sprang to

Cupping

my

feet

in the

big star."

and leaned down toward the coffee

arms under the

whole thing over

as

table,

I

myself

felt

lift it

who

table.

and turn the

middle of the room.

Bella and Martin eased out the door.

Vassy's expression didn't change.

dismay, surprise ture,

which was

.

.

.

nothing.

I

me

as

what

I

had

just

done.

shouted.

are violent," he stated calmly as if he

nothing to do with

had had

it.

"You're so goddamned provocative. this

didn't register shock,

maintained his emotional pos-

just as surprising to

"Yoi/ are an elitist shit,"

"And you

He

He

I

feel

like turning over

whole building."

"You I

see?" he said.

turned

my

"You have no

back on him, leaned

dressing table, and rested a

respect."

my

hands heavily on the

moment, head down. What energy 240

I

Dancing

had

from shooting

left

escalated shouting

I

knew

I

in the Light

should conserve.

match because

anyway before reporting

sleep

knew

I

I

did not want an

had only

I

hours to

six

taping in the

for the final day's

morning. I

collected the strewn objects from the coffee table. Bella and

Martin came back

in

me

and helped

get together

my

dancing

shoes and tights and leotards. Vassy calmly sustained his no-break

expression throughout the whole procedings and, ready, climbed behind the wheel.

We

with the Abzugs following in their

When we

home

got

I

directly to bed, trying to secure

ment

in

my

drove to Malibu in silence,

car.

good night

said

when we were

my

emotions

head, which would enable

me

and went

to everyone

in a neat

compart-

to sleep. Fortunately,

except for circumstances which were actually frightening to me,

had the capacity to shut off when always rely on

my

I

knew

left-brain, yang,

male

I

simply had

to. (I

I

could

approach to things!)

Apparently Vassy hung around in the kitchen with Bella and

Martin

for a

while and they were honest enough to communicate

their feelings about

what had gone on. They

said they felt he

had

been excessive in his demands and that the pressure of taping had been the reason

really

for

my

behavior.

unwanted and "unspecial" to me. The next morning neither of us before. Bella, though, took

me

male chauvinism or about being "I don't

know,"

I

He

said

he had

felt

said anything about the night

aside and said,

"Was

that about

Russian.-*"

answered. "You're Russian.

You

tell

me.

I'm only a beginner with you people."

Vassy and Bella and Martin reported to

CBS and began

all

accompanied

me when

I

the final day of the marathon taping.

mood, was fascinated with the advanced equipAmerican television.

Vassy, in a good

ment used in The final taping included a twenty-two-minute dance number and, not unpredictably, we got to it at two o'clock the next 24/

MacLaine

Shirley

morning. Exhausted would be an understatement

how

I felt.

describing

in

hadn't been eating properly, mostly because there was

I

no time. And

had been suffering from fainting

I

the doctors described as hypoglycemia. So, rolled around,

was not exactly

I

The number was

spells

when

due

the big

to

what

number

marathon shape.

in

shot in sections, with long waits in between

while the technicians changed the scenery and the lighting. During one long wait

through the

I

sat beside Vassy, parceling

my

energy to get

of the night. Bella and Martin had, of course,

rest

long since departed.

"You real

monument

He

"You

are a horse," said Vassy.

many

horse that has had

said

A

of strength."

with such admiration

it

it

coping reasonably with everything, until last section.

are as a well-trained

and can operate automatically.

races

made me proud. I was we finally finished the

had some orange juice and cottage cheese, which

I

usually worked for me during taping days (to eat a whole meal would have been disastrous to dance on). We finished the number

down

and

1

The

director and technicians

sat

wasn't needed

next to Vassy again for a well-deserved collapse.

I

thought,

am

It

my

knee and congratulated

breathed deeply.

stamina.

began

I

to

lips

and hands began

it

someone

pickups

I

but

dizzy.

now

to get

me some

as

Oh

my

no,

because

A

low-blood-sugar attack was not

orange juice

it.

—

All

I

who had

never

needed was

is

though he were dealing with dying! Sheerlee

is

242

for

quickly. But predictably, a four-alarm fire, at

the top of his not inconsiderable lungs.

"Sheerlee

I

it's

so.

could be frightening to people

Vassy had never seen

before.

Vassy reacted

it

again on

to lose their mobility, familiar signs

of what was happening to me. really serious,

feel

me

having a low-blood-sugar attack

I

wouldn't be costing any time to do

My

seen

to shoot the final

for.

Vassy patted

safe.''

went on

dying!" he shouted huskily.

Dancing

The whole ing

me

place was astonished as he roared for help, gather-

arms

in his

"Sheerlee,

in the Light

my

though

as

were

I

at death's door.

Sheerlee, don't die!" he shouted again.

Someone got the orange juice. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The crew confusedly returned to their work as I tried to calm Vassy and sip the juice at the same time.

Whenever

finished taping a television special,

I

dimmed

experience, in retrospect,

work tended

intensity of the grueling

marathon days from

real life.

Of

bubble

like a

to

lost in

make me

course, the

the entire

time.

The

separate the

work involved was

I knew that as I was doing it, but the sense of isolation made me tend to relate to events that occurred during the

inhuman. also

same period Vassy.

as a

bubble

The drama

time too. Such was the case with

lost in

that had occurred

the passionate theatrics of the

from

my memory

on

my

birthday, along with

receded

low-blood-sugar attack,

took precedence

theatrical everyday living

as

instead.

Vassy subsequently apologized

for his birthday-party

demands,

explaining that upon reflection he thought he understood what he

had done wrong.

I

apologized for turning over the table.

my

understood that living with the demands of

said

I

I

being a "star"

couldn't be easy for him, and he said that his frustrations from

being an unemployed director contributed to his behavior.

Where my low blood decided refused,

should go on a

I

kill

He

my

strict diet

—

to

put

it

and that became the new source of

fasting cured everything

would

sugar was concerned, however, he had

—

me

a

proceeded to

it

arthritis to

down

fast.

He

hypoglycemia.

I

I

said

said

it

put

in

standoff.

comment about

mouth, on occasion

and throwing

from

Mexican

bluntly, a conflict.

literally

every morsel of food

pulling the food out of

the garbage disposal, or

243

if

I

my

hand

we happened

to

Shirley

MacLaine

be in a restaurant, he would simply return the food to the kitchen.

Sometimes

sometimes

laughed,

I

The

was outraged.

I

roller-

coaster ride was in full swing.

His deeply

me

real fear for

my

convictions about

stemmed from

health

and because he cared so much. In principle, he was

often right, but if

felt

I

that he conducted himself autocratically, as

felt

he were an expert in absolutely everything, and

I

responded by

being in a constant state of very vocal protest. Nothing either of us did eased the situation.

Even outside of

endowed, feeling,

as

I

was living through

my own as

it,

personality observing the scenes unfold, richly

they were, with valleys and peaks of passion, floods of

and hilarious humor. Smooth

bewildering

found myself standing

I

it

was ...

for

was not. Confusing and

it

continued through the melodramatic maze of

both involved

in professions that

grist for the mill. Certainly

Perhaps

both of us, I'm sure.

because

it all

we

we were

used such emotional tumult as

we were attempting to coexist as man as we worked through

and woman. Therefore whatever occurred

our crossed cues was productive and contributive. Perhaps the lives

we

led were indeed scenarios

experience long before

Living with Vassy

we had mapped out

for ourselves to

we had been born. made me think that way. Maybe we

had chosen these circumstances with each other

Karma

—

cause and effect

—whatever

more and more aware of the precognition happening

for a reason.

That Vassy and

time together was a predetermination

I

I

work

in order to

through values and points of view we hadn't completed lives together.

really

in previous I

was

that everything

was

it

was,

were destined to spend felt

more and more.

how well or Whether it would resolve anything was up to us badly we handled our problems. He recognized the meaning of what we were experiencing too. Some of it was harsh and heartbreaking, some of it was delirious delight. One evening as we lay .

.

.

together in the twilight zone just before sleep took over,

244

I

felt a

Dancing in

my

Strong urge to prop myself on

was

not surprised to see tears

the Light

elbow and look into

welling in his eyes.

I

ask what was wrong. Without acknowledging in any

was crying, and of

totally

without

how long it took for me He said no more than

self-pity,

his face.

I

didn't need to

way

that he

he said, "I was thinking

you again."

to find that. It

was so simple, so unadorned,

so completely self- revealing.

"How many

times do you think

we have been

together.''"

I

asked gently.

Vassy sighed with the breath of ages and I

am

only sure that

Of

once.

that,

"Yes," feel

I

I

I

am

was

a

woman and you Don't you

certain.

said, playfully kicking

know.

said, "I don't

were a

man more

than

feel it?"

him

in the side of the leg. "I

because this time around you act so macho, like you're

it

making up "I

am

in the ribs.

for lost

time."

not macho. I

I

am

Russian," he answered, tickling

—an

pulled his hair

off-limits indiscretion, as

I

me was

fully aware.

He

sat bolt

upright in the bed, a grin of pure joy announc-

ing his intentions.

"Now," he said, mock-grim, "now you With no more dialogue he proceeded fully.

I

will have big troubles."

to tickle

me

unmerci-

laughed and screamed and laughed and screamed. At

thoroughly frazzled,

I

fell

off the

bed and called

for

Flushed with playful power, Vassy affected a stern look of

agreement and released

me

from

his bearlike grasp.

We

under the covers, curled up together, and hibernated

last,

truce.

a

mock

crawled for

the

night.

The next day

I

large, spacious store

toy bear.

I

was driving

window

slammed on the

I

in Beverly Hills

and through

a

spotted a big, almost life-size furry

brakes, parked close by, and

243

went

in

Shirley

to look at

it.

The

MacLaine

store sold electronic

collected big toy animals.

equipment, but the owner

The bear was brown and cuddly with

a

white face and saucer-sized, Bambi-like eyes with long lashes and

brown

furry

furry arms.

I

Next

His expression made

ears.

looked into his

He

face.

wanted

to

hug

on the

Vassy prided himself on being

give the bear to

him

The owner agreed monstrous

I

when

chuckle inside

I

the creature.

to the bear, sitting

king of the jungle.

me

had a pudgy stomach and outstretched

knew

I

a

floor,

was

comical lion.

a

Leo (born in August), therefore

had to buy both animals.

would

I

right away, and save the lion for his birthday.

to sell

them

me

to

and we wrapped them in two

plastic bags.

That night Honeybear,

I

gave Vassy the bear, which of course we named

Jr.

Honeybear,

Jr.

,

became the source of delight that

low point of unresolvable difference, either Honeybear,

Jr., as

I

allieviated

we reached

our most seriously destructive moments. Whenever

or Vassy

a

would use

token of humorous apology. Rather than wav-

ing a white flag of truce,

we would

place Honeybear, Jr.

,

in an

comical position somewhere in the house, either on his head in the sink with a towel hanging from one leg, or

half-opened door, which one of us

knew

through, so that Honeybear, Jr., would

remind us

to laugh.

since neither of us

We

maybe on top of a would walk

the other fall

on our heads and

used him as a humorous intermediary

would ever admit we were wrong.

I

wondered

the Russians and the Americans should bring furry toys to the

if

SALT

talks.

my

After

because

I

television special

I

went

to

work on

my

live

show

had a Vegas and Tahoe date to play. Vassy began work

on

a project for us to

to

work

for their

do together. Perhaps

own

all artists feel

experience and creative interests.

246

the need I

don't

Dancing

know. But we

would be

did.

difficult

to bring Russian

in the Light

had concluded that working with Vassy

I

but worth

Besides,

it.

and American

We

his overall plan

talked about

many

sub-

including The Doctors Wife. The subject that surfaced more

jects,

often than any other was reincarnation. story based lived

admired

together with film, using

artists

our respective countries as locations.

I

We

wanted

do

to

a love

on the recognition that the two characters involved had

and loved together

in previous lives.

We

searched through

old films and found that no one had successfully done that before.

So we began to consider writing an original screenplay and hiring another writer,

who was

also conversant

with the subject, to work

with Vassy. Vassy was anxious to express some of

on the screen and

beliefs

love story.

I

felt

his spiritual

he would be very good at a spiritual

agreed with him. There were several American and

He

English writers he was anxious to work with. investigating their availability.

And

so did

put his agent to

I.

In the meantime, Vassy was working with an English writer

on

his

which he had outlined

screenplay about whales,

during our

first

dinner together.

It

was

a fascinating

to

me

romantic and

metaphysical adventure story, and he had financing to develop

it.

While I played Tahoe and Vegas his co-writer, Marc Peplow, would come with us and work with him so we could all be together.

We

all

piled into the performers' house in Tahoe, a set and a

setting straight out of an old Betty Grable movie. It

wasn't long before Vassy and

I

both complained bitterly

about the night hours we had to adjust to because of

He

was a

man who

liked to rise just after the sun.

around and "out of order with nature" when he went

most people get up.

He

tried to sleep before

I

my

He

schedule.

felt

to

turned

bed when

got home, but said

that that wasn't possible for him, either, because he couldn't really relax

unless he

knew

I

would have had the same

was

there.

trouble.

247

I

understood completely.

I

MacLaine

Shirley

Perhaps the day-night reversal was responsible for some of

what began his

to

happen. But

own emotional work Whatever the

with Marc,

I

I

think perhaps

it

had more to do with

habits.

work on more and more

reason, as Vassy began to

noticed that he became

They would decide on

me

and read

a scene

his script

tortured.

the outline of

He

Vassy would begin to emotionally writhe around in agony. really suffered the

anything

I

it,

Then

happily sure that they were working in the right direction.

pangs of insecurity to an extent greater than

had observed

the American writers

in

He

knew.

I

stared at the ceiling, and instead of analyzing the scene he was

involved with, he verbalized about .

.

.

how

difficult

something about the process.

was.

We

that, but

He went

tried

how much he was

suffering

and painful the creative process was.

somehow

I

to discuss

as part

of

excruciating

it

just accepted

into long detail about

how

the problems of creative

original ideas were concerned,

knew

I

it

work where

but he really didn't want to ac-

He

knowledge that

creativity could also be joyful.

not countenance

such a concept, claiming instead that in order to

be creative one needed to

suffer.

I

simply could

had been having that discussion

among creative artists who were good and knew it. Some came down on the side of creative happiness, some came down on the side of creative knew.

for years

with

torture.

Did one need

artists

I

It

was

a favorite topic

internal emotional conflict,

pressure,

in

order to produce great work, or was greater work forthcoming

when

neurosis was unblocked.''

To

Vassy, though, there was no

discussion. Creativity that flamed easily was suspect, and

ever he

felt it in

faulty.

I

saw

his theory in action.

Marc seemed able

the tortured punches of creative pain, yet

him wonder

also if all the pain

had institutionalized literally

when-

himself, he was certain his creative expression was

I

to roll

with

could see an aspect of

was actually necessary. But Vassy

his suffering

incapable of creating.

248

and without

it

he

felt

he was

Dancing

remembered

I

my

in the Light

years in film,

circumstances. Every time

I

working under

was happy,

was

I

all

kinds of

When

better.

was

I

miserable or blocked, nothing worked. That seemed to apply to those I

I

had worked with,

as well, or

maybe

that had been because

usually walked away from self-imposed suffering,

just wasn't

worth

possible to walk

it.

With an

artist like

away because,

first,

figuring

Vassy, though,

it

it

wasn't

he was brilliant, and second,

he needed everyone involved with him to be involved also with his grande torture in order to I

plumb

watched and observed

the depths of their potential.

the weeks

as

bumped

by.

Great

shouts of gut-wrenching excitement followed by sinking silences

emanated from the room where Vassy and Marc worked. During the day I brought them coffee and mounds of cheeses and salads prepared by the cook hired to take care of the entertainers. Then

around

six o'clock every afternoon,

family meal of rice and vegetables,

we would homemade

meat dish which Vassy usually had had

a

hand

sit

all

down

to a

bread, and a lusty in preparing.

He

loved to preside at the head of the table, where he would pour glasses

of chilled vodka flavored with raspberry leaves he had

plucked from the bushes surrounding the house.

He

could identify

each flower, bush, and tree on the property and told us just where the corresponding flora grew in Russia. leaves into the

with the

vodka and

let it

marinate until

While presiding over the head of But

stuffed the raspberry it

was permeated

fruit flavor.

on many subjects. did.

He

it

wasn't

the table, Vassy held forth

He loved to hear himself talk as much so much what he was saying as much as

the fact that he was.

I

felt

that he needed to be the

as it

we was

commanding

head of the household, the master orator, the initiator of conversa-

charming need because he took such pleasure in our being there. It was clear he missed the family environment of his country house in Russia. He would lift his chilled raspberry was

tions.

It

vodka

glass,

a

look into

it,

and while watching

249

its

contents grad-

Shirley

ually disappear, he

MacLaine

would launch

into one of his favorite topics

Love versus Respect. Vassy had the conviction that one could not

human being

love and respect another

"When

at the

one loves another," he would

with that emotion that

it is

same time.

say,

"one

is

so involved

impossible to respect the integrity of

another."

"But Honeybear,"

I

would counter, "you

can't have real love

without respect."

"That

You

not true in Russia.

is

You

you

either love or

respect.

cannot do both."

"How

do you mean?"

and many other make impossible. We know emotions and passions which respect that in Russia, therefore we accept it." usually I had heard him espouse this theory many times,

"With

love

you have

jealousy, possessiveness,

profoundly shocking everyone within earshot.

which we

in

America might have subscribed

century, but since the evolution of

and otherwise

—we had come

human

a

theory

to in the nineteenth

rights

comprehend

to

was

It

that

— it

civil,

female,

was not only

possible to have both, but actually necessary, otherwise democracy

couldn't work. But then

it

was becoming

wanted

in his "Russianness,"

his

own

clear to

me

that Vassy,

freedom, yet didn't under-

stand the democratic principle of respecting the freedom of others while you loved them.

"Sometimes

would

say.

I

think that Russians don't

"They know only

know

motivated by feelings when they love. In Russia

knock hot

at

my

door

at

neighbor can

And I expect the You Americans know respect. You don't understand love. You don't know how to You know only how to respect. You think you are doing

tea.

love.

my

3:00 a.m. and ask for five rubles, or a cup of

And

if

I

don't help him, he

same from him. Here, you only

respect," he

Therefore their actions are

love.

is

surprised.

respect privacy.

both, but you're not."

230

Dancing

His was tion.

in the Light

a one-sided theory that nevertheless bore

examina-

seemed outrageously judgmental on the surface. But the

It

more I observed the outrage he precipitated, the more I began to wonder if he didn't have a point. "For example," he would say, "you have your muggings and your crime on the streets. People complain. But we in Russia do not have such crime. Because the people would lynch muggers.

Your people here

We

be hurt.

"No,"

prefer not to be involved.

We

have community love.

I'd say,

They permit others

to

don't permit."

"you have drunks."

"Perhaps, but no drunkard would freeze to death in the snow.

You respect the someone to die if he is not your problem. You see.-*" I could see his point. But to me his logic was faulty.

Everyone protects drunkards. That of

neither respectful nor loving to

more

likely,

it

love.

is

drunk

let a

was apathy or worse ...

"involved." Yet the stories

rights

It

was

freeze to death.

Far

not

desire

a

to

be

had heard of Russians who, over-

I

night, turned their backs on any individual attacked by the state

were truly

terrible

examples of "not becoming involved," even

though involvement might put one it

at real risk.

I

had to conclude

was much too easy to be simplistic about such matters.

But the subject that haunted Vassy most of all was the issue of good and evil. He saw it as a black and white dilemma. And he saw both good and

evil

as

forces outside of

Sometimes when we argued and

Satan.

at

him, and he would

feign calmness,

I

say,

hand."

"Don't allow yourself

He

at

my

An

God and

It is

my

would scream and

my

me

shoulders

Satan getting the better

spoke with genuine belief and conviction.

pious or self-righteous.

unhappiness

this.

as

which enraged

even further. During such times, he would grasp

and

—

his intractability versus

stubborn analysis became frustratingly heated, shout

man

It

wasn't

anguished expression reflecting his

inability to cope

237

with

my

"evil"

would flood

Shirley

He

his eyes.

actually

seemed

my more

MacLaine

to fear that

I

had been overtaken by

moments. upon entering my Malibu place from I remembered how, Paris, his first act was to unpack the beautiful Bible and place it in an honored position on the bureau in the bedroom. "Where we

Satan during

explosively frustrated

will always be aware of I

it,''

he said.

used to walk by that Bible, open

and wish

could read the Russian writing.

I

its

leather-bound cover,

Maybe somewhere

in

its

contents lay the keys to understanding Vassy's fundamental values,

which were sometimes so foreign to me. He would often talk about how spiritually in tune we were, that I always could feel everything he was feeling, physically and

He

mentally.

only would himself.

I

I

said

said

it

know I

felt

would be impossible it

to lie to

him

the

way one

I

his

because not

sees colors, clearly, very sure

and always right about his innermost moods and

As

me

immediately, but he would be lying to

fears.

work process became more and more tortured

for

him,

tried to help alleviate the emotional conflict by talking about

He

didn't like that approach.

—only

He

it.

never believed anything could be

Wouldn't open discussion help alleviate the problem and help open the lines of communication again? "No," he said, "Russians don't talk. They feel their

solved

by talking

passion.

You Americans

by

feeling.

analyze your passion until there

is

no

passion left."

"But how do you resolve your differences that way?"

"We

don't.

We

accept

them

until

we

I

asked.

cannot accept them

anymore."

"Then what?" "Then change happens. All things have their time. Nothing should be permanent except struggle with the dark side within ourselves."

was again. The concept that happiness and resolution were not possible because it was one's destiny to suffer was There

it

232

Darning

me down.

beginning to seriously get

emotional cloud, exactly, but

Yet he

together.

people

really

knew who

I

He

loved happiness.

it

idea Vassy

of every projected

laughter, but always

felt

in the Light

wasn't an ever-present

It

certainly lurked under the surface

and

I

contemplated

did enjoy being

happy

working

in

many

unlike

No, he

they didn't deserve happiness.

brought explosive passion to I

—

to sex, to

joy,

was conscious now that our relationship was

tinged with an anticipation that the happiness not only would end,

but should end in order to make room

So Vassy and

good and

for predestined struggle.

launched into a permanent argument about

Neither of us questioned the concept of reincarna-

Neither of us questioned the existence of

tion.

was

evil.

I

total love.

realization of process

God

or that

God

Neither of us questioned the struggle toward the

God. Where we came apart

of the realization of God.

I

wished,

at the if

seams was

possible, to

in the

come

to a

resolution of this difference.

When we

left

Tahoe and returned

to Los Angeles,

I

called

my

Kevin Ryerson, the medium through

whom

personal encounter with channeling.

Vassy was accustomed to

consulting

with

knowledge.

He

through

human

"seers,"

had

full

so

I

one more would

had had

just

respect for spiritual entities

channels.

255

add

to

first

his

who spoke

m 12 CkmCY 1 Vassy

my

had long since shared with

experiences with John and McPherson. Indeed, one of

bound me to Vassy was the knowledge that I could freely discuss my new awareness and beliefs with him. Vassy had had an acquaintance with trance mediums in Russia. He said many the ties that

people there visited psychics and

mediums

these days,

most of the personal information gleaned from them

because

eventually

checked out. So Vassy, well acquainted with trance mediumship, accepted

Kevin

as

an individual

who simply had

a talent for acting as an

instrument of communication with spiritual entities, differed

who

only

from us because they were not physically incarnate. That

spiritual entities existed in the astral realm

was not

a question for

Vassy. That they had lived before on the earth plane was not a

question either. Vassy's problem was whether or not some of them

might be

evil.

So the thrust of Vassy's interest and inquiry on this

255

Shirley

particular evening was the

was an

issue that

resolve

it

in

When

dichotomy between good and

evil.

It

plagued him and he was genuinely attempting to

some way. Kevin arrived

Russian kasha

MacLaine

(a

at the

house, Vassy and

I

were eating

kind of roasted buckwheat) with garlic and

onions. Kevin was wearing one of his immaculate, all-beige outfits,

but was not deterred in the

or staining

it.

He

least

by the prospect of spotting

joined in the consumption of the kasha with

verve and enthusiasm and Vassy didn't wait for Kevin to trance

out and bring through John and McPherson.

He engaged Kevin

immediately in a discussion of his favorite value-confusing topic the forces of evil.

Between mouthfuls of food Vassy, the Russian Christian, questioned Kevin, the nonreligious but God-loving American trance

medium, about what he thought and

evil,

as

I

of the whole matter of good and

watched and listened

thought out the

was impressed by how well

I

specifics of Vassy's point of

view were.

"Don't you think," asked Vassy of Kevin, "that

and the earth plane

itself, are

grace of God, then evil

Therefore evil

is

a part of the supernatural

itself is a part

Kevin calmly chewed heavyweight "good and

of

Divine Force?

God?"

his kasha.

This was clearly not the

evil" discussion that

"I don't believe," said

humans,

if

the result of having fallen from the

first

he had ever encountered.

Kevin, "that there

is

any such thing

as

evil."

"No, no," Vassy went on,

"this

is

important to me. Don't you think that

philosophically extremely evil

was created

for us to

overcome?" "I

think," said Kevin, "that what you are calling evil

only the lack of consciousness of God. The question spiritual

knowledge, not whether or not there

"No, no," said Vassy, "if evil

256

is

is

is

is

really

lack of

evil."

ignorance of God, then

how

Dancing

to explain those people

consciously destroy

who

God

in the Light

inside themselves with conscious

edge. Therefore they are not ignorant of "It tal,"

impossible to destroy the

is

answered Kevin. "That

never in this

condemned

God? They

consciously rebel against

why

is

knowl-

God."

God

in oneself. It

immor-

is

people, primitives,

who

have

encountered even the concept of God, cannot be

life

as evil."

Kevin seemed

to enjoy the novelty of

some-

one seeking his point of view rather than using him simply

human

as a

telephone.

"But," continued Vassy, "there are very intelligent, knowl-

who

edgeable people

"No,"

said Kevin, "then they don't really

ever your concept of

being.

If

God might

be

know God. What-

what you yourself

is

will

an intelligent person rebels against God, he

rebelling against

person

God."

are against

what

his concept of

God

is.

end up is

only

Ultimately, then, that

rebelling against himself."

is

Vassy chewed and thought

for a while.

with lemon and mustard dressing

"We

are all under the law of

made

I

as the discussion

God,

is

a small salad

continued.

that not correct?" asked

Vassy.

"No, wait

We

of God.

a

"We

minute," said Kevin. law of God.

are as the

—

We the

accept ourselves

Then we become God. And God and

we

are basically total love.

"Of

course.

accept

You do

But where

are

God.

We

have to

laws of self which are

totally

divine.

to

are not under the law

self are

agree that

God

is the place of evil

—

one is

therefore

total love?"

in this

scheme

then?" "It doesn't exist. That's the point.

result

polarities.

Not good and

evil.

nated, such as Jesus Christ or there

Everything in

of either illumination or ignorance.

is

Those

And when you Buddha

no struggle any longer."

257

or

are

life is

the

the

two

are totally illumi-

some of those people,

Shirley

MacLaine

Vassy rose and began to pace around the kitchen. "No," he

"we

said,

are created to have struggle

on

There

this earth.

no

is

Hfe without conflict."

Kevin smiled. "Oh," he

can very easily picture a

said, "I

life

without struggle. Very easily."

"But no," protested Vassy. "Even the body alone

is

such a

struggle. For example, just to eat involves struggle. This discus-

sion

struggle."

is

"Sure," said Kevin, "but that's not what

we were

created

for."

"No, but struggle For example,

polarities.

undisturbed. eat

it.

And

some

is

flowers have pain

Kevin put down then

as

pleased to be eaten because

ment of other conscious

when we

it

benefits

therefore,

knows

beings.

—

the

isn't

eat

when we

cut them."

that

It is in its

necessarily

humans who

sort of pain

you can

"if

said,

easy to believe that the apple

and therefore understands that Eating,

some

"Well," he

fork.

his just

it's

between two

of conflict

believe that nature was created to be

I

believe that an apple has

I

believe that,

sort

it

it

exists for the nourish-

harmony with God

perfect

purpose a

is

is

to

nurture

life.

struggle because everyone

and the apple which

fulfilled its

purpose." I

stood in

my

kitchen,

munching on

the conversation, which sounded

My

Dinner with Andre.

back and forth "I

am

as

I

like a

a carrot, entranced

home-grown

thoughts were like a tennis

with

version of

ball,

My

bouncing

identified with each player's point of view.

stubborn," said Vassy. "Everything you say

until there are three persons

on

The struggle and

who

conflict

is

a desert island

is

okay

and only one apple.

will survive."

"Depends upon the people,"

said Kevin.

"If

you had three

Buddhist monks faced with the conflict of survival through one apple, they

would probably meditate and not

2^8

eat

it

at all until

Dancing

in the Light

they lost consciousness from starvation and simply passed from the

They would know because of

earth plane.

their spiritual education

that they were only losing their bodies and not their souls anyway.

Therefore their higher knowledge would absolve them of having to

engage in any conflict with each other.

same

faced with the other, ity

which would only manifest

My

of the soul.

point

is

is

knowledge one has of God and struggle there

not evil per

se.

Struggle and

knowledge of God. The more

own

one's

Therefore there

is.

would be an example of the

that this

direct ratio to the

in

immortal-

their ignorance of the

ignorance of higher knowledge, conflict

you had three pirates

If

would probably massacre each

conflict, they

no

is

immortality, the

evil

—only

less

the lack of

knowledge." Vassy thought. Then he interested in this lifetime,

mistakes and ignorance. the cosmos.

struggle now

term

is

am

I

—

I

"Yes, but for me,

said,

in

am

I

am

only

short-term struggle with

this

its

not trying to change or understand

my

only trying to overcome

my

ignorance in

not in future lives, but now. So to

me

the short

more important."

"Well," said Kevin,

"I don't see

how you can approach

the

deeper truth in the short term without understanding the nature of the long term."

"Of but the

course the knowledge of

real practice

investment

is

"Okay, but and

evil,

you

life

if

life

will

own

thought.

you

We

are

—

now

is

my

in

relates to the

long term,

My

in short terms.

terms of

God

being both good

end up manifesting both of those polarities

all are.

is

it

true.

What we

good and God

is

You

think

total love

it is

endless, yes?"

239

in

are the result of your

is

and

what we

God

is

are.

If

you

in you, then

your personal behavior patterns will express that belief." "So

karmic

now.''

life

you think

because you believe

your

believe

of

according to

God

MacLaine

Shirley

"Yes."

Both men

cinnamon

sat

coffee.

down on

would have occurred

"Have you

the couch while

Then Kevin asked Vassy

brought them

I

a question that never

me.

to

ever had an out-of-body experience.''" he asked.

Vassy looked suddenly frightened. "You mean, have enced an

I

experi-

astral projection.'*"

"Yes." "Yes,

I

have. Once.

nirvana during a period

Suddenly

I

myself

felt

meditating on the

"Why?"

I

was

when

rise

floor. It

A

in a state of total peace. I

was practicing yoga and

out of

my

body.

state of

fasting.

saw myself sitting

I

was extremely frightening to me."

asked Kevin.

Vassy leaned back against the pillows, trying to frame his

words

to his recalled thought.

"I lost control,"

going.

I

he said.

"I didn't

had no ground under me.

very frightened.

It

Since that time,

I

No

know where

earth,

no

would be

it

restrictions.

was very strong experience, very

was

fantastic.

my

have been more cautious with

I

spiritual

searching."

Vassy took a long sip of coffee, seeming to brush away the

memory

of what he had just described.

that he felt a need for restriction.

"Do you enced

it

think you would

Vassy looked over

feels I

thought

it

interesting

if

you experi-

Kevin continued.

feel less

frightened

with another person?"

longing on his "I

I

believe

at

me

with an involuntary expression of

face. I

could have that experience with Sheerlee. She

every thought of mine.

I

can't lie to her.

She

feels

everything

feel." I

reached across and touched his hand.

true.

260

What

he said was

Dancing

her prayers.

when

she

know when she is praying, me. And when I check with

always

I

praying for

is

my

he continued, "the connection with

"I feel," feel

in the Light

mother.

I

particularly her,

I

have

when she is praying during nighttime during odd times of the day here."

always been correct. Sometimes in Russia,

can

1

feel it

Kevin was

silent.

Vassy stood up. "Listen," he

who

sure that anyone

sessed by the Devil

—

I

is

are

pos-

one way or another." in his coffee. "I try to educate people,

don't try to change people.

knowledge too

"we Russian Christians

not Russian Orthodox Christian

is

in

Kevin put some sugar but

said,

difficult to

If they

find higher spiritual

cope with because they don't want to

givt up their concepts of good and evil, then they usually join the

Church. Within the Church they get the confirmation that good

and

do

evil

exist

and they

still

get a touch of God. But

it's

too bad

that they give evil equal credence with good. Eventually everyone

stumbles across some aspect of higher knowledge and they change

own

of their

"

accord.

Vassy put his hands squarely on the coffee table in front of

him. "You are saying that the absence of struggle puts you closer to

God?" "Yes," answered Kevin, "because you already are God. The

discrepancy comes in not believing that. they are part evil

—

what we

what we think."

believe,

so they act accordingly.

Vassy punched his head. said exasperatedly.

if I

It

are

on

is

have

is

I

evil

would be

We

are a

It's

is

my

me

with this," he

to be a part of this

required and believe that

closer to realizing

opinion, to learn that

261

product of

very far from Christian

the struggle," said Kevin. "Struggle

this earth, in

beings believe

real difficulty

difficult for

know struggle with

gave up that struggle

"That

We

/

"I

"Real difficulty.

understanding of God.

world where

Human

is

God."

the struggle.

we

don't need

MacLaine

Shirley

That

to struggle.

ing that there

is

The

the real enlightenment.

is

process of learn-

no struggle takes struggle, but

life itself is not

struggle."

Vassy punched his head again. "But

and

script

it

Or when

struggle.

a

is

am

I

trying to write a

make

I

movie

a

it

is

a

permanent struggle." "Yes," said Kevin, "but creativity flow,

But

you believe that

if

you relaxed more and

creative struggle

you will create

script then

if

just let the

you would find your need to struggle decrease. is

necessary to a good

struggle instead of a

good

I

Or

script.

—

maybe you will create struggle and a good script but you never know whether it could have been better if you had struggled. ..."

will

not

laughed out loud.

me

"Sheerlee doesn't like

good and

to explain

my

philosophy about

evil."

"Yes,

I

do,"

I

"As a matter of

said.

fact, I've

learned a great

deal from this discussion." "Yes.''" said

"I

Vassy.

"What have you

have learned that

it

learned?"

has been a struggle for

me

watch

to

the struggle you two have gone through in struggling to prove that struggle to understand only produces

more struggle

that

is

the most struggling struggle of struggles."

"My

dear,"

said

"may

Vassy triumphantly,

I

have some

vodka?"

Vassy and Kevin and

go into

I

cleared the table.

Kevin prepared

to

trance.

"Kevin," Vassy asked. "Do you get ridiculed

for this trance

channeling you do?"

Kevin smiled patiently.

"Oh, sometimes," he

262

said,

"but

Darning

usually

the people

in the Light

who come

me

to

interested

are

me

knowledge or they wouldn't be with

spiritual

in

higher

the

in

first

place."

"But"

I

asked, "do they think you are only acting

dear Sheerlee," announced Vassy, "I can

spiritual entities exist. I

can also

tell

the

come through?"

spiritual entities

"My

when

We

know

you that they

And

that in Russia.

you that

tell

as a director

No, they

are not acting.

are not

acting."

"All right,"

I

said,

"but

have been reading

I

on the subject and perhaps the channeler

Jung

called the collective unconscious.

tual entities

you

are channeling,

is

lots

of literature

picking up what Carl

Maybe

it

isn't really spiri-

but more what your subconscious

perceives."

"Perhaps," said Vassy, "but the information

same wherever the channeling is

is

usually the

occurs. For example, reincarnation

the basic truth and everything else stems from that."

Kevin calmly listened ity of

what

he, Kevin,

to

Vassy and

had devoted

each point of view and each question.

discuss the authentic-

his life to.

He

defend himself but he was interested in the

me

He nodded

didn't feel called

how

with

upon

to

each of us related to

phenomenon. Vassy leaned forward. "Can

I

ask about evil tonight from

your guides?" "Sure," said Kevin. "Ask anything you want. That's what

I'm here

for. Shall

we begin?"

Vassy asked Kevin pillow for

him

from the kitchen and

he was comfortable and puffed up a

if

to rest his

back against.

filled

it

I

retrieved a glass

mug

remembering

that

with water,

McPherson appreciated the pub feeling. Kevin placed his arms gently on the armrest of the quietly began to breathe deeply.

turned on the tape recorder.

265

I

chair and

turned off the telephone and

Shirley

The following Kevin's head

shudder through

a slightly edited version of

is

fell

breathing changed.

MacLaine

what transpired.

went into

to his shoulders as he

In about five minutes

trance.

His

there was a sudden

His head bobbed up again. His eyes

his body.

were shut. His mouth opened and

in a

few moments these words

came: "Hail. State purpose of gathering."

was the John entity that had come through.

It

"We

two people here,"

are

some questions. right

We

said.

I

don't really have

"We

would

like to ask

them organized.

Is

that

all

.^"

"Yes," came the voice. "Proceed with questioning." I

He

gestured to Vassy.

"John?"

I

indicated

asked. "Is that

I

should go

first.

you.''"

"Yes," came the answer. Very sparse, with no

frills

or further

greeting.

"Well,

whom

I've

stuff as

I

it's

met

nice to speak with you again. since

we

last

talked and he

I

have a friend here

as interested in this

is

am."

"Very well," said John. "So,

I

guess

my

question

first

earth for spiritual enlightenment?

man

suffering and pain

if

is, I

is

there a real need on our

mean, would

it

decrease hu-

more people understood the

spiritual

dimensions of themselves?"

"That

is

correct," answered John.

ness of the entire

human

"The

collective conscious-

race manifests the reality of your earth

mind of man creates disturbances in nature and of course your human activities." "You mean," I said, "that the mind of man can influence

plane.

The

influence of the

nature, like earthquakes and flooding and things?"

"That

mony

is

correct. Gravitational influences

are affected

and planetary har-

by the minds of beings on every planet. You are

264

Dancing

in the Light

experiencing natural disturbances on your planet because the con-

human race needs raising." why spiritual enlightenment is necessary?" the mind of man is more powerful than nature. You

sciousness of the "Is that

"Yes,

are suffering from your state of

mind, which

is

influencing the

patterns of nature on your plane."

Vassy

sat

watching.

him

gestured to

I

to ask a question.

He

indicated he preferred to wait.

"Okay,"

said.

I

"With

all

the bad stuff that's happening in

the world today, would you say there

here that

is

equal to the God-force.''

is

a negative force operating

mean,

I

is

evil a part of

God

also.'*"

"You

are speaking of satanic influences?" asked John.

"Yes."

"The concept of Satan

Adam

origin as follows:

as interpreted in

and Eve stood symbolically

They were created

ation of the souls.

your Bible had

soul energy, as everyone was.

When

its

for the cre-

originally as pure spiritual

they became captivated by the

material plane, or the earth plane as you

know

it,

they found

themselves incarnated in the bodies of the lower primates because they were seduced by the attractions of physical existence. Because

from grace, they activated the law of karma. Their

of their

fall

spiritual

and divine origins were only dimly remembered because

of the confined restrictions of their physical bodies.

The

struggle

what your Bible terms Satan. The back toward original divinity Hebrew meaning of the word "Satan," as the instrument Kevin is

has told you,

is

What you term

or

struggle, as

Satan

is

which

is

not well for you.

merely the force of your lower con-

your struggle to return and

sciousness as you engage

in

which was your

The

origin.

that

feeling of

what you term

know God, evil

is

the

struggle with self."

John stopped talking as though Vassy still didn't want to talk.

265

to

engage our response.

MacLaine

Shirley

"Well,"

"how could we have gone

said,

I

so far

wrong about

this subject?"

"The struggle

God

one loved

for

with

oneself. For one's

all

if

and one's neighbor

as

one's heart and soul

neighbor

good and

dualities of

self-knowledge would not be a struggle

one's self.

is

evil in order to

But mankind

set

up the

judge others rather than to

Therefore, it was even possible to make war on one Out of lack of knowledge of God came the concept of evil. But when mankind understands that it itself is a collective being representing the God-force, it is impossible to make war on discover

self.

another.

the

self.

Is this

"Yes,"

to your understanding?"

answered.

I

"May

I

more

ask you a

modern

specific

question?"

"Indeed."

Union aware of the need

"Is the Soviet

for spiritual enlight-

enment?"

"Not

much

much

so

in the realm of the

government, but very

so in the realms of psychic researchers.

have spiritualized the perhaps there

is

intellect.

These individuals

They have come

to realize that

one universal mind."

Vassy raised his hand.

"You want

to ask

something now, sweetheart?"

"Yes," he said. "Should "If

you wish,"

jatnikov.

I

and

I I

am

be effective in

represent myself?"

"I

am

Vassily

from the Soviet Union and

would

like to

my

asked.

said John.

Vassy cleared his throat.

States

I

I

work

here.

My

private and social

Okhlopkhov-MedvedI

first

life in

am now question

in is,

United

how

can

the fight against evil

or Satanic forces?"

There was silence

for a

moment. Then John

consider yourself a soul?"

"Yes."

266

said,

"Do you

Dancing

"Do you

in the Light

consider yourself born of

God?"

"Yes."

"You

and daughters of God?"

are all sons

"Yes." "Therefore you, in your personal

will educate others,

"Yes,

as a

son of

will."

I

"You must not

what you

resist

mined. Seek

to givt love

can progress. For life,

Allow

be lost within the battle.

if

is

ignorance

is

has engaged you.

You

yourself to be fully

illu-

it

destroyed by the example of your it,

will also be destroyed. For

always present, the darkness, which

the light and does not comprehend.

It is

determine

as

within you

as well as the love

Be

Be long

that

is

which you

Discover the love and the light

the satanic force.

patient.

ignorance, sees

is

better to light a single

candle than to curse the darkness. Darkness

it.

to

and knowledge so that others around you

the satanic force, as you term

the light

you seek

If

evil.

call

struggle against evil, you will find that will

and personal adventures,

life

God and as a soul. With this, you through your own personal acknowledgment."

acknowledge yourself

and the light within others. Nurture

suffering.

Then

in turn

you will serve

others. Is this to your understanding?"

Vassy leaned forward. "So, you mean," he ing

is

said, "that suffer-

necessary in this struggle?"

"The Hebrew suffering. Suffering

definition of experience is

is

the

therefore only experience. Suffering

you would term long experience. Because there space.

There

comes

to

is

For instance,

only experience.

you and

strikes at

you do? Would you

knowledge of

strike

what

no time or

an individual

you and does you wrong, what would back

at the individual or

suffer-experience those things and deal with

would hope you would

if

is

is

him with

would you patience?

I

speak peacefully with that individual, that

you would bring him to

a greater illumination.

So great would be

his shock, his surprise. For the expected reaction according to his

267

MacLaine

Shirley

own

behavior would be that you would strike

fore,

by experiencing

his strike

him

back. There-

with gentleness, you would give

him greater food for thought and overcome his personal ignorance. Then he will have learned, from your personal suffering-experience, how to overcome his own ignorance. Then perhaps he also will come home to God. That is what we mean by suffering. Is this to your understanding?" Vassy turned John's words over in his mind.

He made

further reference to the question of evil. Instead he said, "I like to ask a

no

would

more private question."

"Please do."

"Did Sheerlee and

I

meet by accident or was

it

somehow

ordained and planned.''"

There was a please.

There

is

moment

said,

"Pause

another entity desiring to speak."

There was another pause. Then "Hello. Tip of the hat to you.

He

Then John

of silence.

Tom McPherson came through. How are you doing out there?"

spoke with his familiar, funny Scotch-Irish accent. Vassy and

I

laughed. Neither of us said anything.

"You

We

are there, are

you not?" said McPherson.

laughed again.

"Yes,

we

are here,"

I

"You

said.

are just so startlingly funny,

that's all."

"Quite right," he

brought

in to

answer

a

said.

"Now,

understand

I

I

have been

question about past lives?"

"Yes," said Vassy. "Yes, one moment. Allow

me

to collect myself."

There was another pause. "Excuse me," he quite here.

There was

a

said,

question directed about

"I wasn't

two persons

meeting. Could you redirect the question to myself''"

"Vassy wants to know

if

he and

I

met

as

an accident or part

of a plan."

"One moment

please.

Allow

me

268

to

check into this."

Dancing

Vassy and

I

waited while looking

McPherson came through "Hello, again.

who

over here

tn the Light

was

I

each other.

at

again.

just in consultation

with another entity

keeps track of past-life information. According to

his records, your meeting was a bit planned, in the sense that both

of you had a past-life incarnation during a time period in Greece.

You were both

studying to be oracles. Both of you developed

psychic faculties as well as theatrical and drama talents. Therefore

you had

bag of studies.

a full

Of

considered quite sacred, which

and

actresses in those days

course,

drama

in those days

was

not the case these days. Actors

is

were considered demigods. Therefore

both of you during that time period wished to spiritualize your

art

form even more and you began studying and practicing an esoteric form of the theatrical

arts

whereby you actually threw yourselves

into an altered state of consciousness and channeled great actors

from the

past.

In that lifetime, you were very close friends and

stayed close during the entire lifetime. However, during that time

your genders were reversed. In other words, the current female was a

male and the current male was

a

female,

which might be

reflecting in your personality struggle today."

Vassy and

I

laughed.

"You

see?" he said. "I told

identified with the female, didn't I?"

I

you how

I

nodded.

my ballsyness?" Tom interrupted,

"Then why does he get upset with

I

"You

"with under-

are currently

engaged,"

questioned.

standing your yin and yang and passive and nonpassive tendencies.

You are

are learning about

male and female energies

most of the human beings on

in

one another,

the earth plane at this time.

anyway, in answer to your question about no, you did not meet by accident.

It

was

this particular lifetime,

definitely

mapped

"By

whom

"By

yourselves, as souls, before this incarnation.

out our

own

was

it

mapped out?"

lifetimes before

we

I

out."

asked.

incarnate so that

through particular conflicts and experiences."

269

as

But

We

all

plan

we can work

MacLaine

Shirley

Vassy and

nodded

I

to each other.

"So what are we supposed to do together?"

I

asked.

"Well, right now we would say you are sort of enjoying each

company. In

other's I

a very intimate sort of

laughed and Vassy blushed

"But both of you

The other

ready.

sensitivity. Therefore lects

is

your

we

feel

art

the combination of both your intel-

going to produce similar forms of

and theater, such

technologies. I

Do you

laughed and

McPherson this information

you

as

rough-and-

is

developing degrees of

is

understand

said, "Yes.

concerned

creativity,

with putting spiritual understanding into the films,

And we

forms.

One

for each other.

more meticulous and

is

way, we would say."

and smiled.

are creative in

good polarity

believe you are a

a bit

art

forms of drama,

are already manifesting in all

Do

your

that?"

you?"

hesitated and then laughed too.

"Not

exactly, as

coming from other sources."

is

Vassy spoke up again.

"May

I

ask you another personal

question?" "Please do," said McPherson. "But understand that you have

had many incarnations together.

I

have addressed myself to only

one. In time you will recognize others yourself." "I

would

like to ask a

medical question," said Vassy.

"Please do."

"Sheerlee has hypoglycemia.

"You mean "Yes,

would be

to

throw

please,"

said

easier to cure

it

can

we

treat it?"

into complete remission?"

Vassy,

my

How

probably remembering that

it

blood sugar than his theatrics.

"Very well," said McPherson, "describe your current diet." I

thought

a

moment and

vegetables, fruit, grains,

"Do you

outlined that

I

ate

mostly raw

some protein but no red meat.

seek a high-protein diet?"

"High protein?"

270

Dancing

in the Light

"Yes."

"Well,

like nuts

I

"Have you ever

and things

like that."

tried fasting?"

"That's correct," said Vassy. "She must fast."

"But Tom,

I

can't fast or

I'll

faint."

"It doesn't matter," said Vassy.

"All right," said a fast that

Tom,

interrupting the argument.

"We

have

you might find successful."

"Really?"

"Quite right.

We

One moment. Allow me

will see.

with another entity who specializes

A moment "Yes,

Tom apple

fast,

I

to check

in these things."

passed.

have help on the question now."

me

proceeded to give

a detailed

rundown on an

overall

followed by high protein (in the form of tofu) and raw

vegetables to bring about, as he said, "a complete remission of the toxins in your system."

Vassy then asked about his ate,

but

own

health.

He

described what he

out the desserts, particularly his love of chocolate

left

Tom called him on it. Vassy looked sheepish. We both laughed as Tom gave him specific and detailed advice. Tom told sauce.

him what minerals and vitamins were missing Vassy made notes. Both of us had questions about

arthritis

recommended peanut-oil and olive-oil massage, and copper. The health session went on .

until

Tom

.

.

and Kevin was

in his

for

plus for

body, while

which

Tom

more calcium

about an hour

tiring.

"Are there any other questions? Because we must be careful not to

tire

"Oh,

the body of the yes.

young man."

We're sorry."

"One more question,"

said Vassy. "Please."

"Very well."

271

MacLaine

Shirley

that

"You told we had had

us that Sheerlee and

I

did not meet by accident,

a hfe experience during the time of ancient Greece."

"That's correct."

"Well, what

shall

"Both of you have

You

we do together

now.'*"

talents in coordination of certain art forms.

could be sponsors of certain metaphysical and spiritual art

forms."

"We came pects of art?"

"We

life

to

emphasize the metaphysical

as-

say so, yes."

how

can

we do

that if the response to those sorts of

is ridicule.-^"

"We

disagree. There have been successful milestones already.

A

Your 2001:

And

into this

asked.

would

"Well, things

I

Space Odyssey,

there will be

your Star Wars with 'the Force.'

much more."

"Well, were people relating to the metaphysical aspects of Star

Wars

or were they mostly

adventurous space "Let's put

it

drawn

to

artists

got the attention of the

it

because

was an

it

opera.-^"

way, the

this

people and then the public was ready for more subtle messages. Yes,

much

of the public reacted to 'the Force' as an activity of

God." "So you mean," public

mind

"Most Odyssey

is

symbolism

is

I

asked,

"that

buried somewhere in the

an appreciation of this stuff we're talking

definitely. For instance, the art

about.-*"

form oi 2001:

A

a magnificent expression of metaphysical potency. is

incredible. Stanley

Kubrick

is

Space

The

a master metaphysician."

"What has that to do with us.-*" asked Vassy. "You are now ready to begin such projects," said McPherson, and paused. "Will there be any more questions then?"

"No,"

I

said.

"Thank you, Tom. Thank you again."

"Very well. We'll be going now. Saints be lookin'

And God

bless you."

272

after you.

Dancing

Tom

left

the body, and

in the Light

John came

in again to

pronounce the

benediction.

Vassy and

I

held hands as Kevin regained consciousness.

"Hello?" said Kevin with a question, in

time and space.

"Yes, Kevin. We're here,"

He

as

though he were

lost

"Hello. Are you there?"

blinked and stretched.

I

said.

"How

long have

I

been gone?" he

asked.

"About one and "Yes, conscious." "Let's

myself that

some

my

a half hours,"

I

said.

time frame gets mixed up sometimes when I'm not

He yawned and rubbed make some I still

coffee,"

I

his eyes.

said, getting

up and reminding

lived in the real world. "I think

caffeine."

273

we could

all

use

Ck wtcr 15

A,

fter

Vassy and

I

the channeling session,

took more long walks in the mountains, discussing

would dramatize the spiritual personalized form. We had more

possible structures for a film which story of a

human being

in a

which both John and Tom offered advice on what we might do and how we might work together. Vassy accepted the information that John and Tom channeled through, but the more interested I became in what they had to

sessions in

say, the

thought

I

could understand

believe he was concerned that

I

would give more

more guarded he became.

his position.

I

I

weight to their creative input than to I

his, as

though he feared that

regarded the truth from "above" as more knowledgeable and

expert than his.

I

tried to be sensitive to his creative concerns, but

way to reassure him. So I just let it slide. Kevin came over several times during the next few weeks and we continued to have more sessions. Sometimes Vassy was busy

couldn't find a

273

MacLame

Shirley

with outside meetings and would come home session

was

I

We

interested.

usually used a

when he had

me

would poke

his

learn with the rest of us.

I

I

the impression

He

interfering.

in.

wanted him

I

know how

—which

my

life.

would be

my

while

explosive.

friends

and

I

were

know he was back. The our guides said we were tiring Kevin's

and John.

session continued until

body and should

threatened by

spiritual entities in

feared

One evening Vassy came home

Tom

me was

realize

handle his behavior without

to I

and

to participate

was too much involved then to

was having with the

I

didn't

provoking an argument

talking with

was

to feel that he

that Vassy actually felt his relationship with

the relationship

me

head in the door to find out what was going on,

then leave without coming

Meanwhile

who were

and which was quiet. Vassy joined

time, but sometimes he gave

that he actually wanted

midst of a

room which was out of the flow of

traffic in the front of the house,

us

in the

either having alone or with other friends

I

didn't

stop.

Very casually we broke up our

spiritual teaching session

and

I

went into the kitchen. Vassy was cutting up beets and apples,

making one of

his

blender specialties and cooking one of his

superb soups on the stove.

He had

cooking because he was better

at

it

long since taken over the

than

I

—

not only in his opinion

but also in mine.

"Hi, Honeybear,"

said, surprised. "I didn't

I

know you were

here." "I

am

went on.

here," he answered gruffly. "There

"I

am

no dinner," he

preparing."

"Oh, great," I

is

I

said. "Just let

me

say

good-bye

to everyone."

ushered everyone out, not wanting to burden Vassy with

dinner for

five.

When

returned to the kitchen, he was staring

I

into the vegetables with a face of stone. stirred his

soup grimly.

I

was confused.

276

He

didn't look up.

He

Dancing

in the Light

"What's wrong, sweetheart?"

asked.

I

"Don't come near the stove, please," he said onions in olive

and

oil

spices. It

as

he fried some

smelled delicious.

didn't say anything.

I

shouldn't act ignorant of what

"You was

I

confused now.

really

If

I

am

wrong," he

is

said.

confused enough,

I

usually

get angry.

"What do you mean?"

my

voice that hurt even

"You prepared

my

ears.

busy with your spiritual guides.

are too

my

said with a shrill sharpness in

I

You

have not

dinner."

Astonishment vied with the anger flooding through me. ''Prepared your dinner'^'

"Yes, you

knew

"I'm sorry," in

and

let

I

"You must be kidding. We know you were home."

said.

I

usually cook dinner together.

I

didn't even

he insisted.

it,"

said. "That's a

me know. How

could

bunch of I

shit.

possibly

tell

You

come you were home? didn't

What's more, you know damn well you always do the cooking.

Why

are

you saying

am

"I

That did sion.

all

this?"

saying nothing," he said. it.

I fell

into an

"You

my

brain for what

I

doing something."

immediate and plummeting depres-

His certainty was so outrageous that

racking

are

I

actually found myself

could possibly have done wrong.

so confused by the unreasonableness of his hostility that

recourse was rage.

wanted desperately

I

to

hang on

to

I

was

my my own only

could

feel

are overbearing

and

identity, to at least try to be reasonably adult, but

I

myself losing control.

"You

are a real shit,"

totally self-centered

and

I

I

screamed.

don't

"You

know what

the fuck you expect

from me!" "That I

is

because you are not sensitive," he said calmly.

slammed

the soup spoon onto the kitchen floor, shocked at

277

MacLaine

Shirley

the violence he brought out in me.

I

ran from the kitchen into the

bedroom. Vassy followed.

"You

me

drive

crazy,"

go into one of those throws

me

"You only

know when you

expectations of yours and

elitist

will

always

it

off balance."

now. "You care

are elitist," he said, his voice rising

what you

for

yelled. "I never

I

are learning.

You

what you

care nothing for

promise me."

"What did I promise you.-*" I yelled. "You would have dinner waiting for me."

"Now What

that,

by God,

is

he had just said was so totally alien to our habits and

custom that

was doubly outraged.

I

balcony and run from him. crazy

couldn't

if I

a flat lie!"

I

wanted

I

somehow comprehend

pening between us but

specifically to

else's

right to differ.

He

always seemed so

matter to him that

opposed to sponsible

So

his evaluation of the circumstances

blew.

I

to

I

I

occurring.

me

bad

I

in

to get I

just flatly

we were

each re-

to

force

the responsibility

couldn't seem to get

by talk or discussion. I

also

wanted

somehow

equally

away from him, but that

wanted

Yet, at the same time, after

didn't

ran to the balcony and climbed onto the railing,

stop me.

engage himself

with

might be confused, enraged, or

I

It

it.

for.

feeling that

him

acknowledging

couldn't deal with

I

completely

not only what was hap-

me.

certain of his point of view, without even a hint of

anyone

me

he would drive

felt

from the

to leap

really

I

him felt

I

him for

to

the

I

turmoil that was

to a point of even exchange

had to

resort to dramatics.

was feeling desperate. Vassy rushed

me.

"What you

are doing, Nif-Nif!!" he screamed.

arm and wrenched me away from

him and lurched

to the other side.

278

the balcony.

I

He

tore

took

my

away from

Dancing

"You

drive

me

nuts!!"

in the Light

screamed back

I

him, aware that

at

it

a few moments for such an explosion to occur. "I know how you come to the conclusions you reach that I am

had only taken don't

and unattentive!! You are so demanding without ever

insensitive

me know what

letting

you want. And

it is

I

hate what you turn

me

into.

my

exploding had never occurred to him. His eyes had a bewil-

hate

I

it

when I'm

like this!

I

Vassy seemed genuinely stunned,

"What you

dered look.

if

to

"You will him either.

leave

me?" he

"Yes. Yes. Yes!"

doing?"

/

telling

whether you do

this,

he cajoled,

"Nif-Nif,"

I

sat

It is

"it

I

me

rage that you seem capable of turning

recognize.

it

you I

yelled.

I I

will run\

will really leave

into."

satanic

is

forces

again.

abruptly, in tears.

I

me allowing myself to become

me. Vassy. This

because

it.

we

Please

was shaking, trying to get

This

it.

you

can't stand this tower of

"It

talk about

will

not you."

down

you provoke

I

it

by design or not."

some measure of control. is

"Isn't

though that hadn't occurred

said as

"Because

said.

I

it!"

though the possibility of

and I'm afraid

can't stand this stuff,

I

you keep doing

as

simply hate

doing?" he pleaded.

are

"What do you mean, what am obvious? You drive me bananas! I'm leave.

just

is

But what

is

not satanic forces, you stupid shit.

And

that we somehow never when you do this to me cannot seem to ever come to terms. can't take

I

I'm not able to control

can't talk.

this.

We

is

it

This Satan shit has nothing to do with

it!"

God and you will release yourself." thought. What have I got here? He

"Pray," said Vassy. "Pray to

Oh my,

oh my, oh my,

was probably right that Devil. I

I

I

I

should pray

should pray to the best

stood up and wiped

"My

my

I

—but

not to exorcise the

could muster up in myself.

cheeks.

Nif-Nif," he chided gently.

279

MacLaine

Shirley

looked up into his

I

"Vassy,"

1

He was

face.

confused.

you understand that we are

said haltingly, "don't

two human beings involved with trying

The Devil

here.-^

work out

to

doesn't have anything to do with

some responsibility for your role in

a relationship

Please, take

it.

Don't blame

it.

on satanic

it

forces."

He

down on a canvas chair. "My role and your role is to approach God and overcome negative forces when they seize us." sat

"But Vassy," tions.

We

we do

to ourselves

are

tried again,

I

and each other.

evolved as you, but

I

who

believe that

are

aware of what

am

I

as spiritually

go around saying God and the Devil

can't

I

having open conflict within

my

my chest, visualizing my solar plexus.

pounded within

responsible for our ac-

''we are

supposed to be mature adults

being.

my

that

in

live

/

self

real

"You

voice. "That's I'd

throw

you.-^ Is

bet your ass

what

I

is

this satanic

not good."

not good."

mean.

I

was somehow

"No," announced Vassy. "And how can you allow violence to overtake

are

there too."

If

I

heard the weariness in

I

was negotiating

SALT

at

my

think

II, I

in the towel."

"Towel?" asked Vassy.

"Never mind. I'm gonna take a shower." Vassy went to the freezer red wine and carried

why

for

vodka.

away. Again,

it

much

Russians drank so

we

vodka.

I

poured myself a glass of

hadn't talked.

Was

it

I

wondered

the system.''

system that somehow repressed open discussion. From what -*

read, Russians

Was

it

had been drinking excessively

the weather?

It

was

just as cold in

for centuries.

many

places.

The I'd

Why?

So was

it

confusion? Confusion about identity, about God, about reality.

What was

reality? It

his truth, his reality.

was I

relative.

What

he was experiencing was

couldn't seem to cope with his demands,

but maybe he was having the same problem with me.

280

Dancing

"If

am

I

We

hit.

how you

stubborn," he had said once, "or

'obstinate,' then

be

in the Light

you must

hit

me

me. Hit

only understand to be

We

hit.

call

hard. Russians need to

need big

fist,

can

I

tell

you." couldn't hit.

I

we

needed to understand.

I

silently ate dinner

and went to bed.

For days after that thing had ity.

said

I

He

shifted.

thought about our relationship. Some-

I

and

there was no such thing as equality in love jealousy, passion,

of identity.

He

and

total fidelity.

And

honest passion.

passion was there.

When

was

to

last it

.

equality.

was

the love

Democracy did

a fantasy.

would

it

accused

I

long

as

last

—

true,

as

the

there was no longer

him of

believing in a

was man's destiny to

suffer, that

know God.

dawned on me

we were having

was our versions of

God and man,

said

for the equality

between us were

that the differences

not really and simply because he was Russian and Sure,

He

only possession,

.

would argue

respect emerged,

blueprint for disaster, he said

At

.

sense of equal-

only possession and passion

When

love, no longer passion.

to suffer

I

said in love equality

not exist in the state of love, direct,

my

said he couldn't respect

couldn't live without respect

I

took a shower and

I

trouble with

that really differed

evil

I

American.

our cultural differences.

—

But

it

in relation to

evil

not evil in relation to sociology or socialism.

Russians and Americans couldn't have been more diametrically

opposed

in relation to

Revolution hadn't that

hope and the future.

And

much

But

to

do with

it.

the Bolshevik it

was

just too

easy to say the Russian soul was imprinted with the need to suffer.

Nor was

it

American soul was imprinted with an

true that the

adolescent naivete causing enthusiasm and optimism to spring eternal.

Maybe Vassy was

understand each other.

correct

when he

said

we would

Perhaps his objection to

Freudian questioning was

my

never

so-called

a valid position because the questions

281

Shirley

MacLame

only related to a limited point of view anyway. saying

what might be true

that

because

I

We

him

be true for

necessarily

And

the next.

was questioning too much.

He seemed

to be

him one day would

for

not

couldn't keep up

I

should just accept.

I

declared a diplomatic truce for a time, trying to relate to

each other on a surface level. For

him

me and my

had been capable of continuing

nature,

didn't. If

it

I

would have worked. For

it

to laugh off his structured orders about the

way

should

I

eat,

work out, sing, dance, do yoga, and breathe, I suppose life would have gone more swimmingly. But I couldn't, even though dress,

he was usually right.

for

my own

good,

I

that point of view.

okay without

When

he rejected

my

often stopped and conjured

But

his orders

as

up

I

told

till

him

times the harmony took discordant together read

He

now.

I

my

my

together.

ears, eyes,

I

at least to

my

we were

and

so

heart.

seemed

"We

was maddeningly challenging to me.

...

Some-

philosophers,

artists, writers,

concluding that the Russian himself was saying,

not understanding

had done

didn't seem to think so.

and musicians in an attempt to understand.

It

the

around

validity of I

breath away. Other times

needed to cover

many books on Russian

understood."

me

up the

equally often,

Weeks and months blended combustibly

I

protests with

argument that he was only ordering

perfectly reasonable

satisfaction.

to

be

are not to be I

didn't like

Half savage,

half saint. That seemed to be the consensus of opinion

among

the

Russians themselves. The communist government appeared to be irrelevant,

which told

merely a continuation, in a different form, of a system

basically denied the importance of the individual. Vassy

me

in

had

the beginning that the Russian people had the govern-

ment they needed and understood, and in many respects he even claimed they would want Joe Stalin back because he would, in effect, protect them from themselves. "We would have anarchy without our severe rulers" he would say. "I can tell you most Russians would agree with me." 282

Dancing

in the Light

So what did that really mean?

I

couldn't help feeling this was

simply the opinion of one Vassily Okhlopkhov-Medvedjatnikov.

At the same time, I wondered if I was receiving a complicated education in what we might all have to learn if we were ever to co-exist with a superpower adversary. Nor could I help wondering too,

if I,

as

an American trying to survive in the foreignness of

would have attempted

Russia,

overpower

to

my

lover with tny

point of view.

Yet there were times when our left

me

and playfulness together

joy

To him our happiness was "like last." Our laughter was color and

astonished with happiness.

music that

I

am

afraid will not

our physical harmony like a pastel Impressionist painting. Like a child, Vassy marveled at the prosperity of

America and the

ance the Americans had for each other, whether in the

crush

of a

rock concert.

He

traffic

We

jams or

adored the fresh fruits and

vegetables abounding in the markets and the "health"

"beloved Malibu."

toler-

life

of his

continued to walk strenuously in the

Calabasas Mountains and Vassy

swam

in the Pacific.

We

contin-

ued to work on developing a picture together, and several of the

Hollywood screenwriters were anxious

great

Vassy

—

his talent

was known

already to

to

many

meet and know of them.

People

teased us about the explosiveness of our relationship and looked on in

amusement whenever we went

at

each other.

Sometimes after-dinner conversation was heated and ing, with the

free flow-

Americans judging and evaluating Russian attitudes

although many of them had never even been there. Vassy launched into his

now

And whenever

familiar Love-versus-Respect-theories,

he rendered the living rooms dumbstruck. They couldn't understand, they said.

We

in

America were working

to

harmonize the

two. Vassy said they were fundamentally separate.

Then

there were the times

when

Vassy, compulsively yet

touchingly, would get very drunk and break

285

down

in great heav-

Shirley

when we got home. No one

ing sobs

stand what

meant

it

"My

sobbed.

MacLaine

else

could possibly under-

to be a "fucking Russian in

fucking country,

my

America," he

beloved Russia," he would cry.

"No one here understands my country. You judge us, you condemn us, you believe we have swords in our teeth. You're so so brainwashed,

conditioned,

Russians

know about America,

imagine Russia

Now

same

as

stupidity,

evil,

about our culture, endurance

—

I

why

not?

Why

and enjoy

here

Commies!

That's dangerous!

idleness.

our ingenuity,

should

why

we

all

don't

be the

is

What

our patience,

we

same.''

we simply

are fuck-

Instead of

tolerate our

"

similarities.'*

His sobs would leave

non-comprehending.

least

And you

don't like

these are qualities, not drawbacks! Yes,

ing different,

cultures.

You

At

are.

hear Americans think 'Russian'

our music,

trying to change each other, differences

we

not only bad things.

concentration camp!

as a

That's your problem. the

even more than

I

felt

me

speechless, useless

and even more

stranded on a bridge between two

knew only one thing. Here was a man I loved and was who was genuinely pleading for comprealmost a plea to help him comprehend himself. I thought

I

trying to understand

hension

many

—

times that

if

I

had understood myself better

I

would have

been able to understand Vassy.

Often we made

would never be able

trips to Paris

to see

and

New York

New

York. Vassy said he

through anyone's eyes but

mine. Paris, of course, was different; he had had a great deal of previous experience there.

Sometimes

York

friends of Vassy's

or California.

One

would pass through

friend was an

Russia for three years and

still

New

lived in

traveled there three times a year for

his

company. In the privacy of a dinner

us,

I

asked

either

American who had

him what he thought about

just

between the two of

Vassy's traveling in and

out of the Soviet Union. Vassy's birthday was coming up and he

284

Dancing

wanted

to celebrate

in the Light

with his family

it

dacha outside of

in their

Moscow. His papers were duly forthcoming, and with the Soviet authorities

in Paris,

after

some

he had received permission.

Jack said he knew the Medvedjatnikov family quite well.

known

Vassy was

to have

no

hassle

political interests whatever,

He

said

but that

he would do anything to succeed in his ambition to freely travel the world outside of Russia, and to be a free artist in the West.

"Would do

anything.''"

asked.

I

"Well," replied Jack. "You know. ically.

I

can't say for

But many Russians consider marriage

to

a

him

specif-

foreigner a

vehicle to get out of Russia. There used to be a saying after the

revolution in the '30's;

means of

The

transportation.'

car

Now

is

not an object of luxury but a

do marry foreigners

them

to

do many

woman is not Many Russians

they say the foreign

an object of luxury but a means of transportation. in order to freely travel.

The system

forces

things to become free."

"Are you saying,"

I

asked, "that he married his French wife

to get out?"

Jack shrugged. "So,

is

"I don't

know. Many do."

he using me, too,

"Using you?

Tm

then.-*"

not sure I'd put

I

asked. it

that way," Jack replied.

know how grateful he is to you. He's told me you have made so much possible for him. But he also loves you. You really are the woman of his life, as he says, regardless of how long it will last." "How long'! What do you mean?" "I

"Well," said Jack,

a

wary look crossing

his cherubic face,

"have you ever been involved with a Russian before?"

There

it

"I see,"

was again. I

Somehow this question was always supposed "And how about promises? Do Russian men

said.

to be the answer.

keep their promises?" Jack laughed out loud.

285

Shirley

"There

"There

is

is

no such thing," he repHed, amused

no such thing

much

MacLaine

as a deal.

They

my

at

naivete.

are too emotional for that,

moment. In passion they'll promise anything. might change, the passion shifts. And then they accuse you of being stupid when it comes to honoring

too

Then

of the

later their feelings

their promise." I

what Jack was saying with

tried to absorb

But none of what he mind, that

Not

my

said

And

was reassuring.

I

knew,

my

in

relationship with Vassy was in big trouble.

too long after that Vassy and

were back in California

I

and on one of our walks. The sun was hot. half years

a quiet stomach.

after

It

was about one and

We had succeeded another. We were deep in

we had met.

reasonably well to one

me

developing a picture which he would direct

in.

in

a

adjusting

the throes of

He

had worked

with several writers and found that none of them had touched

what he

really

wanted

to say in the picture.

He knew what he wanted. Such definitive certainty was commonplace and admired in really good directors. After overhearing some of his creative sessions, though,

I

began to wonder

whether Vassy might not be erecting obstacle courses which weren't necessary.

Whenever

I

mentioned

it,

he again explained that only

through the pain of the creative process could wonderful born.

It

was

a theory he

knew

I

didn't subscribe to.

anguish in collaboration became severe, getting close to what he wanted, writer

He

would

fall

I

art

be

Whenever

his

knew he was

either

or the relationship with the

apart. Lately, the latter

seemed

tossed and turned during the night and

ing the possibility of success too thin.

I

that at the core there was a self-destruct

to be happening.

seemed to be

stretch-

almost had the feeling

mechanism

at

work

in

it was just his way of working. The sun was hot on our faces as we climbed the fire trail. I had smoked a lot the night before, but not enough to interfere

him. But maybe not. Maybe

286

Dancing

my

with

breathing.

In fact,

in the Light

my

myself the smoke never reached

my smoking him

asked

was

to slow

down, he

was he ruining

my

"If

said,

and

began

faster.

in

on

When

I

you would stop the cigafelt

a flash of irritation.

to

on something that

The argument

argue.

irrelevant

issue.

In a swift

minutes, we were discussing the defects of our relationship

fifteen

with Vassy entrenched

in detail,

We

mine.

in his point of

both became so angry that again

view and

felt

I

I

in

like striking

controlled myself and said, "Let's call a moratorium for

I

fifteen

We

smoking became an

until

I

But Vassy zeroed

faster

a beautiful walk, focusing

business to stop.

escalated

him.

lungs.

we walked. He walked

as

perhaps you could keep up."

rettes,

Why

never inhaled anyway and told

I

minutes,

He

okay.''"

glanced

at his

watch. "Fifteen minutes.-'" he asked.

"Yes."

"Agreed."

We

continued to walk in silence. After about five minutes,

came

particularly cogent point to

make

it,

proud of

is

my

mind, but

remembering our agreement.

my

control.

intelligent points of his

minutes

to

not up yet,"

We

walked on.

Suddenly Vassy blurted out

own.

I

a

resisted the urge

I

I

was

a stream

of

pointed to his watch. "The fifteen

said.

I

"Fifteen minutes," he answered. "So what.-*

I

have something

to say." I

stopped and glared

at

him.

"But we made

a

deal,"

I

reminded him strongly.

"A I

ment ment

deal.^

What

said slowly five

deal?" he asked.

and very, very

minutes ago.

until fifteen

An

distinctly,

agreement

"We made

not to

an agree-

continue our argu-

minutes had passed."

Vassy actually chuckled. "You are stupid to believe that considered that an agreement.

You 287

are naive."

I

MacLaine

Shirley

hauled off

wound up my arm and with full preparation I and swung at him. I didn't connect. He blocked my

arm and

missed.

I

saw

I

red.

I

He

...

ated, outraged

laughed

I

didn't

called after

the mountain.

me, adding

insult to outrage,

you." ran and ran

know what

down

the mountain.

was thinking.

I

were blurred.

tional horizons

my own positive instincts. When I reached the toward our

car.

accelerator,

and

didn't.

down

turned and bolted

I

"But Nif-Nif," he "I love

was thoroughly humili-

I

those familiar feelings that he was capable

all

of provoking in me.

me.

at

I

sat

I

I

felt

It

He

sauntered after me.

completely out of touch with

For the second time,

I

felt

danger.

bottom of the mountain,

I

lurched

could have turned the key, stepped on the

left

Vassy with no transportation home. But

fuming and

I

why

upset.''"

wanted

"Why?"

him

to slug I

again.

pounded the

steering wheel.

an agreement not to argue and you violated

me

I

helpless until he arrived.

Casually Vassy climbed into the car and said, "Nif-Nif,

were you so

I

my emo-

was dreadful. All

it.

"Dammit, we made But then you

What the hell kind Do you want me not to

stupid for believing you.

attitude do you think that

"You were

is.''

stupid," he answered simply. "That's

called

of shit-assed believe you?" all. I

needed

to talk sooner. That's all."

"But so did

I,"

I

"And

answered.

I

controlled

it

because of

our agreement."

Vassy thought

a

moment,

"I see,"

he said. "Well, there

is

no

harm done. So let's forget about it. Look at this beautiful sunshine. Look at the bluebirds. Smell this sweet day." I was flummoxed paralyzed with helplessness at the reality of his truth his point of view his way of relating to .

life

—and my

.

.

inability to penetrate his reality in any way.

We drove home

in silence.

I

knew

288

I

wasn't going to

let it

go.

Dancing

know

didn't

I

sometime

until

it

in the Light

disturbed at

my

wrote a long

letter to his brother in

asking what

it

but Vassy was

later,

behavior on the mountain as

Moscow

He

at his.

relating the incident,

When

was he had done wrong.

was

I

as

I

asked him

why he

had solicited help from another Russian rather than an American, he said I

was because

it

knew him

his brother

saw Jack again sometime

better.

and told him what had

later

happened.

"From Vassy's point of view," said Jack, "he meant what he when he said it. But a Russian has a different concept of time than we do. That is the basic difference. The passion of the said

moment moment

just

is

that

passes, life

—

moment. When the new ballgame. When he said you were

the passion of the

a

is

meant you

naive to believe him, he could just as easily have

still

doesn't live past the

mo-

ment. That's why they seem to us to be so passionately

self-

The Russian

believed in Santa Claus.

destructive. fulfilling

Who

way

knows, maybe living

depths of the soul. So I

who knows

between Vassy and

related to the

moment

is

me

for

days after that.

Were the how we

based predominantly on

immediacy of the moment?

I

had to admit that the

intensity of our fun and joy together was a miracle of

He

the most

.-*"

thought about what Jack said

differences

in the

to live. Their expressive arts, after all, speak to the

moments.

never held back or considered the consequences of the future.

did. His

happy moments were

Was I Was that,

total

when they were happy. Mine

my American way

were not.

in

future?

in fact,

living too

what "deals" were

all

much

in the

about? Protecting

the future? Vassy seemed to throw the future to the wind.

wasn't there until

do the same.

And

it

was

yet

.

there. .

On

.

289

I

the face of

it,

I

wished

I

It

could

MacLaine

Shirley

And

yet

I

had the continual gnawing feeling that to Vassy

the future meant probable suffering. the danger

I

more about

He

from him was not

felt

destiny.

smacked of melodrama

I

realized that

about the future, but

really

was

It

word

a

that heretofore had

me. Yet somehow when he used

to

it,

it

He seemed to be feeling that his destiny He had felt destined to be with me. He had

viable.

had been preplanned. felt

was then that

His destiny.

spoke often of destiny.

was emotionally

It

destined to leave Russia and travel freely.

A

few weeks

later,

began to

I

tween us break down on many

levels.

was becoming discordant. Vassy and

up with a

satisfactory script.

more depressed and suggestions,

Work on

dissatisfied

the movie project

his co-writer couldn't

The more

I

it.

come

encouraged him, the

he became.

more he resented

the

the communication be-

feel

The more

made

I

Our arguments became

intense until one evening our relationship exploded.

We

had been sullen and moody with each other

for

about

Even physical communication was breaking down

three days.

as

our emotional differences expressed themselves in dissatisfaction

with each other sexually.

Two visiting Paris.

to

and staying with

a

quick

trip to

He seemed

quickly across his nicative.

very well) were

They were Americans who

us.

New

to accept face.

When we

We

York, which

it,

but

went

I

I

lived in

was scheduled

I

casually

mentioned to

noticed a dark hostility wipe

for a hike

and he was uncommu-

returned, he went into his office to write and

brooded about how favorite tea tray

we knew

They were aware of some of our problems.

make

Vassy.

of ours (a couple

friends

I

could break the mood.

and cakes and brought the

I

tray in to

fixed

him.

on the desk and leaned over and hugged him.

290

him

I

his

I

set the

He

smiled

Dancing

in the Light

involuntarily and then quickly wiped

it

A

away.

flash of dread

shot through me.

must

"I

you,

tell

my

dear," he began, "I have been to see a

doctor about your problem."

My mouth

dropped open. "What problem?"

"About your

I

asked.

sexual problem."

"You saw a doctor about meT' "Of course 1 didn't mention your name,"

said Vassy, "I just

discussed your sexual problem."

was stunned. ''What sexual problem? So things are not

I

intense

two

takes

It

And what do you mean, my

So what?

they were.

as

problem?

to tango."

Vassy got up and walked to the living room.

were sitting

"Wait

And

this.

enough

Our

friends

there. a

minute,"

let's

I

running

after

him. "Let's talk about

in front of Judy

and Jerry. We're close

said,

talk about

it

them. They've been through their

to

as

own

down on one

"Fine," said Vassy, sitting

sexual conflicts."

of the stools by the

kitchen counter.

"We

have problems," Vassy announced,

stubborn with her indifference. So

I

"but Sheerlee

is

have seen doctor to discuss

it."

Judy and Jerry nodded,

delicately

acknowledging the

sensi-

tivity of the subject. I

could

feel

myself begin to

really

think this

Why

didn't you discuss

outsider?

I

is

about

Sex

sex. it

didn't even realize

boil. is

I

said,

"I don't

hardly ever just about sex.

with me? it

"Vassy,"

Why

did you go to an

was bothering you

this

much."

"Doctor would know better," he answered.

"A

stranger, doctor or not,

feeling than

I

would know more about what I'm

would?"

"Correct."

291

MacLaine

Shirley

"What do you mean, correct?" I said, hearing my voice rise. "You don't hsten to what I say. Doctor did," he answered. "But the doctor only heard

down on

sitting

said,

from your point of view,"

it

the stool next to

him

to assert myself.

I

"I "

resent

that

it

you didn't discuss anything with me. Really

"Doctor was informative," he

"What

doctor was it?"

"No," he answered.

I

"In the telephone book??"

invaded. "Wait a minute,"

"How

without success.

between us with

me?

to

so?

I

Why

book. Doc-

not

I

I

did,

I

I

just couldn't

suppose, because

said, trying to control

my

I

voice,

the hell could you discuss what goes on

a perfect stranger?

mean,

And without

even mentioning

you were that bothered, why didn't you say

if

meT'

tell

wanted

"I I

I

in telephone

was incredulous.

what he was saying. And yet

believe

it

"Someone you knew?"

Monica."

tor in Santa

felt

said.

asked.

found name

"I

do.

I

to discuss with doctor."

took a deep breath. "Well,

it

sounds to

me how

like you're

how I hike, how I sing and dance and act, and now, by God, now you're into controlling what I do with my body in bed. The privacy of my sexuality means as much to me as yours does to

doing a control trip again. You've tried to control

I

eat,

you."

"No,"

said Vassy, "a man's relationship with his sex

important than

Suddenly

woman's

a

time. In an outraged flash,

and so

fast that

room. His expression

I

I

to hers."

saw on

toward

I

really

saw red

this

slapped Vassy across the face so hard

face drained of color. I

more

connected completely. His glasses flew across the

controlled hatred.

bolted

is

wasn't arguing anymore.

I

is

us.

I

his

face

He

reached up to hit me, but the

hit

me

first.

It

was

steel-cold,

gasped. His arm went down. Judy and Jerry

Judy grabbed

Vassy's.

292

my

arms and Jerry grabbed

Dancing

in the Light

made my blood run

Vassy's implosive hostility

what he wasn't expressing that on inside of

him.-*

Immediately violence. so

unexpectedly but

on

finality

wanted

to

I

had

finally

was stunned

I

at

really

was

going

know.

disengaged myself from

I

was shocked that

I

I

What was

me.

chilled

wasn't sure

I

cold. It

my own

emotional

succeeded in hitting

him

the expression of cruel

his face.

Vassy released himself from Jerry. His expression didn't soften.

Judy

let

"Jesus,"

my

arms go. "I'm sorry, Vassy.

said,

I

I

But you had absolutely no right

hard.

going to

He

"What "Our tainly

my

you so

privacy by

leaned over,

and picked up

his

put them on.

"Is finished,"

he announced.

finished.-*"

is

I

asked.

relationship," he said, "is finished.

laughed out loud.

I

to invade

to hit

without consulting me."

a doctor

Vassy crossed the room, glasses.

mean

didn't

If

I

I

will

now

leave."

sounded slightly hysterical he

cer-

was being ludicrously melodramatic.

"Oh,"

1

went on,

"I see.

discuss the responsibility

we

Now

you

are

going to

just refuse to

each have for what just happened."

"Correct."

"Oh.

He

"

straightened his back, put his hands on his hips, and walked

to the refrigerator for vodka.

"You

are

violent,"

he said.

"I

find

your violence too

frightening."

"Yes,"

I

said, "I

your violence to

woman

to

my

was violent, and I'm feelings?

do when you say you

sorry.

woman?" "Never mind.

Is

But what about

What the hell would you expect as a man are more important than

finished," he answered.

295

a a

MacLaine

Shirley

Stood up.

I I

"What do you mean,

finished? Are you serious?"

looked over at Judy and Jerry. Judy spoke up. "Vassy," she said, "don't you think maybe you are afraid of

own

your

violence?

have killed Shirley.

I

saw the expression on your

I

think you were

Vassy shot a contemptuous look said. "I

am

You

could

Judy. "Is finished," he

at

leaving."

no longer

I

face.

you might."

afraid

might mean

"Wait

felt like

laughing

at his

melodrama.

I

realized he

it.

a

minute,"

I

"You

said.

are really serious.

What

about

our movie, what about working out our relationship, what about courage?"

moment Vassy

For a long

of

my

life,

but

it is

felt helpless.

I

said nothing.

he said, "I

fully at his glasses,

my

know

destiny.

I

I

am

Then, looking thought-

will regret this for the rest

leaving."

His male infantilism

I

did not even want to

cope with anymore and his addiction to suffering was beyond

my

empathy.

But Jerry and Judy went over to him. "Vassy, try to express what you are feeling," "Before you

make any

said Jerry.

rash decisions, please explore what's really

going on inside of you." Vassy walked toward the bedroom. "No," he said with conviction

down

to

himself.

the hall.

I

"Is

my

destiny." Vassy slowly disappeared

followed.

Quietly Vassy packed his two pairs of corduroy trousers and

Neatly he placed his

his grandfather's dress shoes.

two sweaters into

his suitcase.

He

six shirts

and

gathered his mother's pictures,

the icons of Christ beside his side of the bed, and his English-

language tapes.

Water Pik and

He walked

his

to the

Russian hair tonic.

and hiking shorts into electric shaver into his

a

plastic

brown

bathroom and boxed up

He

bag,

leather kit.

294

his

stuffed his jogging shoes

and

his

toothbrush and

Dancing

in the Light

looked around our room, paralyzed, watching him spirit

I

He

himself away.

picked up his suitcase and threw his leather

Then he glanced down

jacket over one shoulder.

the ancient

at

Russian Bible he had brought with him from Moscow.

"The Bible must belong to you.

It

Tears of sorrow and futility filled really

Had he planned all He seemed unable to

leaving.

spontaneously?

what he considered I

followed

room and

said

my

to the front door.

knew he was

I

it

happening

exercise any free will over

He I

leaned into the living held the door open for

say.

descend the

to

eyes.

or was

this,

good-bye to Judy and Jerry.

began

Bible will always

to be his destiny.

him

him. There was nothing to

He

"My

stay here," he said.

belongs here in Malibu with you."

stairs

in silence,

then he turned

around.

"Nif-Nif," he said, his husky plaintive voice cracking. sunshine, Nif-Nif. Life with you was like music.

music

is

over.

I

will

come back

for

my

"My

And now

the

books and records someday

later." I

I

couldn't think of anything to say. Everything was so unreal.

thought of how

life

was

a

At the bottom of the Honeybear, and you were

poor

stairs,

my

storyteller.

he looked up again. "I was your

Nif-Nif. But remember, you are also

prancing horse. Horse from very good stable." I

in his

waved him through the red lacquer gate and he pulled away broken-down

car.

The next morning, there a few days later.

how

lonely he was.

would

talk.

I

He

said

But when

went

1

I

to

New

York. Vassy called

cried over the telephone I

would be back

returned,

in a

and told

few days and

he didn't want

to.

He

me me we had

moved into the guest room of an old girlfriend. Within a week, he came down with pleurisy and lay brooding and depressed in his 293

MacLaine

Shirley

He

bed.

He

didn't want to see me.

tried to cheer

him up

didn't want to see anyone.

over the telephone, but

it

I

didn't have any

effect.

we had dinner. He was sweet, but formal. He woman who would be his slave, who would love everything he did regardless. He wanted "an artist's wife who would sit adoringly at my feet and tell me I am wonderful." I remembered Milanka's warning in Paris. I laughed. He laughed. He said he knew he was being simplistic, but that was the way he

Weeks

was.

I

later

wanted

said he

said

But

it

I

a

understood.

wasn't Vassy

The breakup clear to I

me

left

I

me

needed to understand. with

It

was myself.

deep well of loneliness.

a

It

was

that the love affair had had no promise of permanence.

had somehow always known

Maybe he had

that.

had been more aware and courageous than

Perhaps he

too.

by acknowledging

I

it

Perhaps the loneliness came from the abruptness even in the

first.

face of inevitability.

For months afterward his "recklessness

him

caused

also

and responsible

moved me

to tears.

I

a

it all.

Russian individual intimately with

the

I

felt

I

had

finally

I

known

that that implied.

all

why we had come

unresolved as to

But

together in

understood that any love relationship between a

woman was

a learning experience for

we parted spoke but

Yes,

first place. I

put

than

hadn't really understood what

was supposed to have learned from

it

almost tied to him

still felt

I

And what haunted me more

for his pain.

anything was the feeling that

personally

and the loneliness

"

my I

finger on.

to I

knew

I

should

let

but

self,

something deeper

.

my

.

.

my

man and

feelings

something

a

when

couldn't

I

feelings of loneliness go,

had never been able to walk away from feelings until

I

understood what caused them. So, with these questions that

it

still in

didn't really matter whether

296

I

my

mind,

I

began

understood Vassy.

to realize I

realized

Dancing

that

I

in the Light

should just accept him for the truth that was

own

to lead his

own

at his

life,

was not respecting him. Perhaps

When

were not coexistent.

moved out

my own

of

I

his.

He

needed

own way. Perhaps

pace, in his

was proof that love and respect

/

realized the impact of that thought,

confusion.

I

finally realized that

was now time friends

me

for

mean

to

As

it.

we did when we were

parted than

Vassy and

a result,

and understood each other

We

still

we

had more distance

We

and the emotional involvement didn't blind us anymore. recognized the love which was

It

remained

I

a great deal better after

together.

I

had only

I

paid lip service to believing that love and respect were possible.

good

/

both

and we both continued

intact

how many lifetimes had bound us together. Though my relationship with Vassy ended nearly

to realize

ago, his Bible

He

continues to insist that

dream

realized his

work

He

is

to

For him, he

still

films,

We

still

and

both it

politics.

They

respect

I

has

know we

feel

will

the need to

will happen. is

a fine artist.

No

Many

do.

him. Love him.^

maintains that love and respect are not coexistent

is

He God. He life.

He

not possible without suffering; in

believes that conflict

cannot recognize

left it.

He

home.

real

its

emotions. Most of his scripts reflect that feeling.

truth, necessary to

it

is

right.

four years

Malibu where he

Hollywood because he

insists that real creativity

he

in

and when the time comes,

respected in

one cares about his

human

make American

McPherson was

together.

spiritualize art,

my table my house

remains on

still

still still

exists as a force outside of

is

inherent in

man and

is,

still

fact,

in his

believes that without struggle one

believes in his concept of evil, that

man. He

also believes that

God

is

outside of man.

Thus, more to the point, he believes that the destiny of is

to suffer.

So

much

compelled to create

does he believe

it

that

I

think he

man feels

it.

But then, don't we

all

seem addicted

297

to suffering in varying

MacLatne

Shirley

From

degrees?

we

guilt, because

feel

we

don't deserve to be happy,

from resentment of childhood wrongs or deprivations (how long

grow

takes to feel

up), or

from

failures in adult life

the pull and tug of negativity and insist

—whatever—we

it

all

comes from sources

it

outside of ourselves.

Yet

in fact,

of us.

No

dark.

And most

both negativity and positivity reside within each

one of us

completely in light, or completely in the

is

of us create our

own

problems. For me, since

understanding myself leads to a greater expression of aspects, then the journey within

more

positive

then

self,

God

Recognizing the

conflict.

positive

the only journey worth taking.

within leads to the recognition and awareness of

If that journey

higher,

is

my

I

no more soul-searing

will have

within myself,

larger God-source, the magnificent energy

my

I

will recognize the

which unites us

all.

I

believe that was our lesson for one another. Neither of us perceived

But we did

ourselves as the other saw us.

see ourselves

in the

other.

Now when bless

him

resolve

it.

better.

I

for

it.

He

reflect

I

He

on the violence Vassy provoked

provided

hadn't needed to talk to him,

that brief, tempestuous period of time clearly than

Because

it

was

ever had

I

difficult,

reached more clarity.

I

And

make our music

I

mine were mine. In

we spent

how much more

learned.

because

was predestined by our own to

me,

had needed to talk to

I

myself. His problems and conflicts were his,

more

in

me in touch with it so I could begin to me with the gift of understanding myself

put

Because

I

together,

I

saw

needed to grow.

he confused me,

I

we both realized our relationship we tried. We were preordained

free will,

together in order to hear the discord as well as

the harmony.

Vassy remains just can."

We

know we can

as

"Russian."

coexist

I

remain

just as

"Ameri-

now, but we each have separate

paths of experience to pursue. Perhaps he

298

is

right

when he

says

Dancing

in the Light

—

that love and respect are incompatible ever,

don't believe he

I

referring

is

referring to the conflict with the

finished the account of

I

and Dad

God

my

in his experience.

to people.

I

How-

believe he

is

within himself.

Mom

love affair with Vassy as

sat transfixed.

"So you

see.-*"

I

said, "I guess all relationships

happen

so

we

can learn more about ourselves."

Daddy's pipe had gone out.

And

Mother's tea was cold.

"Well, Monkey," said Daddy, "you do get around, don't you.**"

"Yep,

"He Mother

I

guess so."

certainly

knew how

as she shot a subtle

to get your goat, didn't he?" said

glance at Dad.

"Yep, he certainly did,"

I

agreed. "But

now

was the problem. Not him. Whatever he did was all.

/

was the only one

I

I've learned /

just

him

—

that's

could improve, and he just afforded

me

the opportunity."

"And you

she asked, searching

"Yes, that too.

we

both

really

my

for

now,

this life is

at

I'll

learn

more about

the only important one."

Daddy

as

though expecting a remark

do with the two of them.

He complied mother and a

before.''"

face.

Mother looked over to

you had known each other

and I'm sure one day

really did

But

felt

I

with a smile. "Well," he

said, "I

reckon your

have probably been around the track with each other

few times too." "I

already

would

say so,"

I

said.

Mother straightened up to hear what I had

wanted

"Do you want

to hear

about one

I

know about?" in her chair as

to offer.

nodded.

299

though not certain she

Then she shrugged. Daddy

Shirley

"Well,"

began,

I

"it

MacLaine

was McPherson who told me.

He

doesn't usually reveal such information about other people, but he said

it

would be

a

good idea

if I

told you about this."

The two of them leaned toward me. "You had a lifetime together in Greece. the same time period as Vassy and me.

It

might have been

You were both

very

respected barristers. Each of you was male in that incarnation."

"Oh,

Mother,

Shirl," said

"really.'*"

"Really."

"Well, go on anyway," she

said.

"Well, Mother, you were a

liberal barrister and,

Daddy, you

were a conservative barrister." "So

far so

good," said Dad.

"There was a controversy about the building of a temple of Eros.

Mother was

for

and you were opposed."

it

Dad.

"I expect so," said

"You two spent

You were

a great deal of

so disruptive

time arguing over the temple.

and unyielding with one another that the

townspeople became upset with both of you. You were the issue to

them

—

not the building of the temple!"

Mother laughed.

"I

ble for your father to see

"Anyway,"

I

can believe that," she said.

my

"It's

impossi-

point of view."

continued, "on one particularly argumentative

day, the two of you, each believing you represented your respective constituencies,

The townspeople

had been shrieking

at

each other for hours.

near the court of law became exasperated and

proceeded to hoist you both onto their shoulders. that to

You

interpreted

mean agreement. In reality, they were yelling for you both The more the townspeople shouted, the more each of

to shut up.

you thought they agreed with your opposing points of view.

Whereupon

they carried you both on the shoulders of the throng

to the outskirts of town,

where the temple

500

in question

was to be

Dancing

The two of you

erected.

in the Light

would be made

believed the decision

there, but instead the upset

crowd threw you both over the

side of

the cliff." I

waited for a reaction.

They were too stunned

to

talk.

Mother broke the moment. "Sounds familiar hands

in

agreement.

me," she

to

with each other

tell

you that you're

I

still

that this time around you're not

doing the

going to

finish

you stop arguing."

till

Daddy saw his opening. "You mean arguing before we die.''" "Yes,"

throwing up her

have no problem with that."

"I

"So McPherson said to

same thing. And

said finally,

that

we have

to stop

confirmed, "that's right."

"Well," he concluded,

having found his response,

"that

seems like a good enough reason to keep arguing!" I I

said,

leaned over and

you don't get "It's sort

keep doing

there

it

the shoulder. "Daddy,"

I

it

again

if

right this time."

of like show business, isn't it?" he joked.

it till

"Okay,"

know

pummeled him on

"be serious. You'll just have to come back and do

you get

said,

must be

it

"You

just

right."

"but where the two of you are concerned, you a lot of

karmic debris

for

you

to clean

up with

one another." as much debris as there is in my filthy room where the Daddy said, chuckling to himself. "Oh, Ira," said Mother, "maybe she has a point." "Hell, Scotch," he chided, "I'm no damn fool. I know damn good and well she has a point. I've always known that. The question is, what do we do about it die to find out.^ I like to

"Not

keys are,"

—

argue.

It

keeps

me

alive."

"Maybe you've got some Russian blood Mother, triumphant

at

her stab at humor.

501

in

you then,"

"Maybe

I

said

shouldn't

MacLaine

Shirley

associate with

you because you

like to suffer."

Her

eyes sparkled at

her rejoinder.

Daddy me?"

let

her have that round.

got up and walked about. "You

I

know what

really interests

asked them.

I

"What.^" asked Mother. "I'm interested in where you.

I

mean, you've given

fit

/

me

into the

everything.

karma of the two of

What am

I

supposed to

give you two now?"

Both of them became genuinely

"You mean," parents for

serious.

Mother, "that you believe you chose us

said

as

some reason?"

"Yes."

"And

we chose you

that

for a

daughter?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm,"

she mused, "that

would be

interesting, wouldn't

it?" "I

think

"How

it

would,"

I

said, feeling

an idea form in

do you go about finding out something

my

mind.

like

that,

Monkey?" asked Daddy. I

"Oh,"

hesitated and teased him.

I

said,

my

voice sounding

superciliously soprano, "I have ways." "I

guess that will

make another book, eh?" He laughed, and

crossed one leg over the other, delicately removing a piece of lint

from

his trousers.

"Do you guys

like

my

being in

"Hell," said Daddy,

"how

books?"

I

asked.

can you ignore us? If

we weren't

around you'd have to invent us."

"Well,"

I

said, "I

think you've invented yourselves."

"Yep," he continued, we're just players on

it.

"I

guess

all

the world's a stage and

But your mother here should play some-

thing besides Lady Macbeth."

502

Dancing

Mother glared

him.

at

I

in the Light

saw them both going over that

"Ira," she said, "I'm not going to

You go

me

be

Russian

as

as

you get

let

my

cliff.

goat anymore.

you want. You're not going to intimidate

anymore."

He

laughed and coughed to himself. Nothing fazed him.

"Mother,"

I

"you

said,

feel

kind of powerless and helpless a

of the time, don't you?"

lot

"I certainly do.

that

But I'm not going

to let

him make me

feel

way anymore." "Okay,"

I

continued, "but

"What do you mean?"

maybe

there's a reason for that."

she said with a twinge of

demand

in

her voice.

mean, maybe you're feeling powerless

"I

this

time around

because you abused power in some other lifetime."

"Oh, was

Shirl," she said, "I wouldn't

know what

feeling

power

like."

"What do you mean?" Dad chimed in. "You have the power in our house. You always have. You know that. You're the boss and you know it." "Well,

I

should hope so," she immediately responded, hap-

pily contradicting herself. "Otherwise you'd

make

a

darn fool out

of yourself."

"Okay, you two,"

said

I

skirmish, "you just keep on.

But

if I

happen

to

in

an attempt to divert another

suppose

I

it

does give you energy.

stumble across more about what

all

of us were

doing together in past lifetimes, that should keep you arguing

for

another ten years."

"Well, Monkey," said Daddy of this

about

is

there's a shit pot full of stuff

for certain. All

go ahead." find out

finally, "the nice

He

we

really

hesitated a

know

thing about

all

none of us knows anything is

we

don't know. But you

moment. Then he

said,

"Maybe

you'll

what you were doing with that ex-husband of yours too."

303

MacLaine

Shirley

was

It

place as

thud on the

like a dull

did whenever

I

far.

On

as a

person could get.

the contrary.

"I'll tell

some

Why

I

relationship together too.

changed.

man

You

years

between

of

it.

the

He

said

You

sonofabitch.

own way

Daddy, "we won't

of doing things.

my

He

life.

I

said

I

to discuss

Steve was something hadn't.

on

a

anymore about

talk

it

was worth

And

it.

that it."

Shirley has

Steve was one of them.

It

was

to do."

"That's right,"

want

me

agrees with

have a beautiful daughter, so

something she had

said

I

He's been a big

us.

"That's right, Ira," said Mother. "Let's drop

didn't

never

it

problems, Daddy, but don't we all?"

has his

"Okay,"

her

moment you

And anyway,"

He

support with this spiritual search of mine. lot

him

disliked

me?

you and Steve had

way about you, and

your daughter was marrying.

"we had some good

sadly,

deeply personal with them

think you were just a father in search of an excuse to

I

dislike the

as

said, "I'll bet

the same

felt

didn't feel he had gone too

shouldn't he do the same with

you one thing,"

met him and he

back into

I

will."

I

was getting

I

my

adjusted

I

challenged.

felt

I

"Okay, Daddy. Maybe

floor.

it I

flatly,

not wanting

anymore. The breakup of

to

continue.

my

marriage to

didn't want to discuss with anyone.

I

And

had been an integral and important long-lasting part of needed to

was too complicated

sort

to

out and

it

make

it

was taking some time.

sense to anyone else, even

It

my mom

and dad. "Well," said Mother diplomatically, wonderful seeing you. California.

You

tell

Mother had difficult

I

her to

hope Sachi had let

a sensitive

us

know when

"it certainly

a

good

trip

she gets a

at easing

back to

good part."

way of smoothing over other

moments. She was remarkable

has been

people's

tensions other

than her own. She also had an impeccable sense of timing. Dominick was downstairs waiting to take them to the airport.

304

Dancing

"Will you

in the Light

Bird Brain and

call

tell

her we're on our way?"

asked Daddy.

"Okay,"

I

said,

"but what should

Randolf," said Daddy.

"Mrs.

I

her?"

call

" 'Bird

Brain'

a

is

'term of

endearment,' don'tcha know."

"We

really love her," said

Mother.

"I don't

know what we'd

do without her."

"We'd

get the eggs and the forks at the same time," said

Daddy.

We up

adjourned from the living room and

drove with them to the airport. As

onto the plane with their canes and proud their very presence

were looking silent

helped them pack

odds and ends.

their I

I

at.

It

command.

It

had drawn

a

crowd.

It

I

watched them walk

strides,

wasn't

noticed that

I

me

the people

was definitely them. They had that aura of was

clear.

They were the

stars of their

own

production.

As

I

walked back

what we had

all

to the car,

I

was determined to investigate

been to each other before we were born.

With my show now

closed,

I

find out.

305

knew

just

where

I

could go to

Parr

Thrcc

The Dmcc Within

Ck voter 14

N,ew land of enchantment.

As

I

It's

on

all

Mexico

drove from Albuquerque to Santa Fe,

wasn't a false claim.

It

is

called

the

the license plates.

was sundown when

I

I

saw once again

arrived.

it

The splendor

of the chiseled mountains glimmered violet-orange in the

last rays

of the setting sun, their jagged teeth outlining the horizon, while

shadowed

foothills

hugged the dry

desert floor. Tufts of crackling

sagebrush rolled over the highway.

Windblown

clouds splashed

the evening sky like a multiprinted backdrop from Metro

Mayer.

I

The grandeur of open

And

it

made me

space

was the only terrain

I

feel

the scrub brush and trees

grew out of

was triumphant

ing to symbolize the

It

anything was possible.

had ever seen where snow blanketed

purifying effect on me.

I

Goldwyn

loved driving alone on the highways of the Southwest.

harmony of

stark dry desert.

It

in its statement,

had

a

seem-

survival.

had been coming to Santa Fe

509

for several years

now. There

Shirley

was

MacLaine

community

a very evolved spiritual

drawn

in residence here,

because of what the Indians termed "the high vibrational energy" of the place. Santa Fe means "holy faith."

land was enchanted.

They

whoever lived there would be blessed I

annual

The Indians claimed

said the Great Spirit blessed

the

and

it

too.

drove through Santa Fe, where tourists had gathered for the arts

festival.

crammed with

Chic, cozy restaurants were

vacationers wearing turquoise and coral necklaces and soft Indian serapes and shawls.

As

the desert stars blanketed the

drove,

I

night sky like tiny dots of crystal.

of

The house I had rented was on the outskirts of the north side town. The manager of a hotel nearby had set it up for me

milk, bread,

fruit,

and what

stay for ten days

peace and quiet

and coffee

I

in the refrigerator.

I

was going

intended to do would require

I

all

to

the

could find.

The Indians of

New

Mexico lived

harmony with the laws

in

of nature. Therefore the Great Spirit was a part of their

The unseen, invisible God-truth was the basis They weren't threatened by its power. They were

lives.

of their reality. in

harmony with

it.

The mountain peoples

I

had lived among

in the

Andes and

the Himalayas were advanced and attuned to that same unseen reality

because nothing interfered with their recognition of

it.

Their perceptions were keener. They seemed to be able to "see"

with their hearts with more

clarity.

I

felt

that

they sensed a

higher dimension because they were unfettered by technology and twentieth-century pressures. I

had come to respect deeply the

spiritual

peoples whose greatest teacher was nature. the intellectual prowess of

modern man

to integrate spiritual recognition I

felt

like a

complete person

with

Of

as well.

my

for the first

understanding of

course,

I

respected

But when

I

began

intellectual education,

time in

my

life.

That

"something" that had been missing was the awareness of

510

my

Dancing in

spiritual self.

Yet how could

by

means.

scientific

I

I

the

prove

Light

was not to be measured

it? It

was barely able to describe

transcendental, untranslatable into words.

one it,

just

It

And

had to experience to understand.

it.

It

was

was an integration after experiencing

was never the same.

life

come

hadn't

I

woman who

to Santa Fe as a tourist.

administered past-life

process of acupuncture.

recall

I

came

She had learned to work with Chinese

channels to release past-life experience. strategic meridian points,

a

treatments through the

using acupuncture needles which

techniques,

work with

to

it

unblocked nerve

Placing the needles at

was possible to accelerate incarnational

information. Just as acupuncture needles could be used to physi-

which the brain might otherwise signal

cally block off connections

as pain, so they could be used to unblock connections, having the

effect

of opening channels of recall in the brain. According to

traditional Chinese

wisdom, the human body

every

event the soul has experienced.

incarnational

is

imprinted with

When

the

needles are placed around the third-eye area (the middle of the forehead) or the psychic meridian points (the right and

left

shoul-

ders), or the galactic points (around the ears), the patient begins to

experience scenes and memories and vignettes of lives they have lived

in

The

the past.

patient

lies

relaxed and

begin to have the impossible to

mind's eye cellular

lie

memory

first

piercing

the skin.

nonresistant on the table,

effect of pentathal.

to yourself.

as the needles

very fine,

needles are very,

almost no sensation when

It

"feels" as

producing

But

as

the

the needles

though

it

is

Pictures begin to unfold in your

stimulate

memory

patterns locked in the

of the physical body.

Chris Griscom

is

a very experienced acupuncturist in psychic

therapy. She has administered to hundreds of patients over the years with rather

amazing

results.

At

first,

treatments just to see what would happen. incarnations,

which

I

I

I

had undergone the

knew

I

had had many

had been told about by McPherson, Ramtha,

511

Shirley

MacLaine

and others of the channeled guides, but until I

hadn't gotten in touch with anything

enced myself.

my

Along the path of

worked with Chris,

could be "sure"

I

spiritual search,

understand why

tc

I

could say

had experi-

I

had tried meditation, transcendental and other-

I

wise, but nothing happened that

and more

I

I

I

of.

longing more

felt a

had lived before and what

I

could

learn in this present incarnation in relation to those past lives. For

me,

was

it

as

experience."

I

nothing but

what we

is

my

I

was

consciousness might reveal

self.

had been working with Chris

I

really

become aware of more.

to

what raising

higher unlimited

So

wanted

I

of,

intensely curious as to

my

is

wanted the experience. Since each of us

are consciously aware

of

"Knowledge

Einstein said:

for

some time.

I

had

lain

on her table with her needles delicately quivering from various areas of

my

my

mind.

body and allowed myself

It

was

difficult for

me

to let the

imagery flow into

to accept at first.

As the needles

my body, pictures of different my consciousness. thought pictures up." thought it was all my

stimulated the cellular memories in

time periods and events that

I

filtered into

must be "making the

imagination until

I

I

I

stopped to

reflect

on what indeed imagination

actually was. Each time a vignette of experience (the effect eye),

I

was similar to watching

wondered where

it

swam

into view

a film unfold in the

came from.

I

knew

the

mind's

mind was

capable of the most rococo creative fantasy. But then, what was fantasy?

imagery.

For quite a while

Why

was

I

I

questioned the legitimacy of

my

picturing a desert, a caravan, a sixteenth-

century monastery, a Peruvian Indian village, an African mother,

and so on.

I

wasn't

aware of having created the

consciously

images. They just happened. Yet

I

protested to Chris that

creating the images in a free-associative way. She agreed.

I

was creating the images because they had come out of

said

I

own

experience. That was imagination.

was

But she

my

The acupuncture pressure

points opened up the paths to the intuitive right-brain area (yin).

512

m

Dancing

The

left

must not be permitted

brain (yang)

And when

the Light

to close those paths.

my

mind and got out of my own way, the pictures became more specific. They were rich in texture regarding clothing, body movement, sound, I

dispensed with the objections of

emotional attitudes; but, more than anything ingly,

As

I

my

part of

why

I

a conscious

was remembering them today.

was experienced

said, Chris

and increas-

else,

came up were imbued with

the images that

understanding on

finite

in past-life regression.

She

explained that the higher unlimited self always puts the earth-

plane self in touch with those memories that are the most beneficlearing

in

cial

problems one

we have

incarnation. Since tions (in

many forms from

all

is

experiencing

the

present

many

incarna-

in

experienced many,

the beginning of time) the unlimited

higher self scans the blueprint of the soul's history and chooses the

emotional experiences which relate to karmic trouble spots. Rarely are the recalled experiences pleasant because there

would be no

point in going over territory that has already been resolved.

purpose of living

The purpose of

to clear the soul's conflict.

is

The

getting in touch with past-life experience, then,

is

to isolate the

areas of emotional discord so that the conflict in relation to today's

incarnation can be understood. All of

What we might

of the soul experience.

life is

based on the

feel as "evil"

enables us, the "victim," to realize ourselves

more

totality

behavior only

fully.

Thus the

Buddhist theory of "bless your enemy, he enables you to grow" suddenly makes sense. In the beginning,

I

found the sweeping benevolence of what

was learning unacceptable. in the world.

our

I

believed that there was evil behavior

Examples were legion

lives every day.

I

felt

—

in history,

and around us

/

proceeded to

experience more and more of the "evil" visited upon I

found

I

in

that evil behavior needed to be resisted,

fought against, defied, and stamped out. But as

past,

I

me

in the

wasn't reacting judgmentally to what had happened

513

Shirley

to

me.

I

realized that instead

learning process that

The

learning

had

I

process

MacLame

it

which

simply follows the laws of science

—

cause

so that in the

rience,

all

until

is

—

karma

is

not punitive.

for every effect there

a

human condition, karma translated as expeKarma begets karma. But every act of

rather

than

karma begets

we have

retaliation,

positive karma.

karmic

a

is

It

is

step

forward.

an ongoing process

ultimately been through the panoply of

all

human

experience and recognize the total reality of our relationship to there

It

was

experience.

reconciliation,

Positive

A

had been a learning process.

chosen to experience.

is.

514

all

Ck voter 15

i Fe.

My

settled into a routine in Santa

house was sunny and pleasant with

enclosed patio where

I

did

my

many windows and an air. The house was

yoga in the open

decorated with Spanish furniture and Indian artifacts. Over the

hung an Ojo de Dios, or Eye of God. It is a hanging decoration made from yarn and sticks. The center is the eye of God and is made in the shape of triangles which form a square fireplace

around the circumference.

It

looks like a bird's-eye view of the

Great Pyramid.

The Eye of God had been adopted by

New

—

Mexico

the four cultures of

Indian, Mexican, Spanish, and

in nearly every house.

Some

Anglo

historians believe

Pharaonic Egypt, others believe

it

it

—and

dates back to

was brought from Peru. The

Yacqui Indians of Mexico were thought

to have introduced

the American Southwest. In any case,

cultures used

dominant spot health, and long

in

the

life as

hung

all

it

now

it

to

in a

home, symbolizing good fortune, good

—

the native Indians claim.

3n

MacLaine

Shirley

Each day

my

I

woke up

my

yoga and

Ojo de Dios about eight

to

mantras, had some breakfast

o'clock, did toast,

(fruit,

and

decaf coffee), and drove the forty-five-minute trek to Chris's home,

which was located on

a historic

landmark

in a small

town

called

Galisteo.

The

old Santa Fe Trail led into the

turn led to a turnoff that

sprawling

New

Mexican

modern freeway, which

Indian pueblos dating back to

desert.

AD. 1250 dotted the countryside, with cottonwood

trees

above them.

hung

Ristras

peppers

(red

sunlight from every available

in

followed into the flatlands of the

I

together)

tied

swaying the

in

rafter.

The Sangre de Cristo Mountains loomed gently in the morning light. The mountains, a part of the Rocky Mountain Range, had been named by the Spaniards. The blood of Christ, they were called, because of the reddish cast

sunset.

their

snow-covered peaks

The Rio Grande River flowed twenty miles west from

source in Colorado to destination, the

as six

its

—whom

explorers

I

imagined the Pueblo, Navajo,

first

— roaming

came

Adobe

of clay, blended into the

inhabitants as cool protectors in the

1558 (sixty-two

Plymouth Rock), and

influence was predominant everywhere.

humps

the surrounding plains.

to the area in

years before the Pilgrims landed at

like natural

its

archaeologists feel inhabited the areas as

thousand years ago

The Spanish

at

ultimate eighteen-hundred-mile-distant

Gulf of Mexico.

and Hopi Indians long

on

their

structures, looking hills,

serving their

summer and warm

protectors

in the winter.

The morning

air

was crisp and dry.

And

I

was moving eighty

miles an hour on the ramrod-straight open road before it.

I

realized

Geological formations in and around the mountains and mesas

in the distance

were not obscured by vegetation. Cloud formations

splashed against the turquoise sky reminded

loved to wear whenever

I

me

of the jewelry

I

was here. "The sky-stone" the Indians

316

Dancing

gemstone, and they used

called their to be in

in the Light

harmony with

Coming

dried brick) dwellings with

The town was

lived,

I

of Galisteo,

saw adobe (oven-

right out of Biblical times.

flat roofs

situated on a knoll in the valley with an extensive

The waters from

in all directions.

into streams

community

into the sleepy clay-baked

where about two hundred inhabitants

view

vibration against the skin

its

nature.

which were now dry

the mountains converged

summer. A main thoroughfare a dirt

in the heat of the

horse and two stray dogs blocked the

—

road winding past a store marked "Groceries."

had a creaking

It

screen door.

Three small children waited bus. Mail to the

orange school

for a dilapidated

community was

delivered to rural P.O. boxes

along the highway. Carefully

I

maneuvered around the animals and followed the

dirt road across a

wooden

my

bridge, gusting dry dust under

rear

wheels. There were no street signs where dirt roads converged.

One

used landmarks and directional navigation. I

remembered

community, veering

central

shells that

paths,

that Chris's place

I

were once

cars,

made my way

to

surrounding her house,

to

I

set apart

for

left.

Passing hollow metal

and burros ambling

what

nity because of rangeland around

She was waiting

was on the other side of the

the

lazily

remembered was

a

from the others

along side

wooden

in the

commu-

it.

me, waving

in the stark sunlight, sur-

rounded by high untended shrubs and sagebrush.

recognized the

I

chaparrals and cottonwood trees towering over her house.

had grown fact,

taller since

my

a

And

last visit.

she was eight and a half

With

fence

Chris had

grown

They

too. In

months pregnant.

happy waddle she met

patted her stomach and asked her

if

soul inside. Indeed she had and

was

it

my

car

she had

and we embraced.

made

contact with the

a boy. Chris

was of medium

height, with dishwater-blond hair which framed her

511

I

full,

open

MacLaine

Shirley

Her

face in soft waves.

clear blue eyes literally

shone from the

depth of her being and gave you the feeling she could see through to the

depth of yours. Better

nothing to hide. Her

lips

still,

she assured you that you had

were plump and moist, which bothered

her today because she said she had been exposed to the sun for too

long while running the rapids the previous week! She spoke with a soft

lilt.

Her gentleness was powerful and commanding.

"Hello,

my

missed you. But

friend," she said. "It's been a long time and I've I

know how

you've been doing."

Chris had no television and rarely read newspapers or magazines.

She proceeded to outline, chapter and verse,

past few

One are

months

though she had been living

as

it

my

life in

the

along with me.

adjusts very quickly in spiritual circles to the truth that there

no

secrets.

Everyone involved with spiritual progress develops

their psychic capacities.

They plug

whatever they wish to attune

to.

into the astral energy and "see"

The more developed they

be-

come, the more they "see." They tune into the electromagnetic wavelength of another person and soon the process becomes similar to that of a radio.

Chris ushered at her

me

inside her

home. Soon we were eating grapes

long wooden dining-room table, bringing each other up to

date with our lives on both the physical and astral planes.

She had been working with several groups of serious clients patients from various parts of the U.S. leaps in their spiritual development. their past-life complexities, their given endeavors today.

who were making quantum The more they understood

more clearly they functioned in The past-life information was not

the

limited only to events and relationships either. ings relating to the accelerated thought,

human mind,

It

included teach-

electromagnetic frequencies of

the transitional experience of

moving

into

how the body made its adjustment to enlightenment. The body, being the temple for the soul,

higher consciousness, and spiritual

went through subtle physical changes

318

as

each stage of spiritual

Dancing

development was reached. and more sensitive to Chris and

its

It

became more

more

pliable,

how

psychic energy was experienced as

mind and body

electromagnetic frequencies moving through the

and how the consciousness of everything expands

Moving through our

much

others, not so

well-being which

may

auric fields, psychic energy as discernible light,

communicated

is

not realize what

many

"So

is

a

as

result.

perceived by

but more as a feeling of

human

to other

beings

who

actually occurring.

is

people," said Chris, "are moving so swiftly into

their understanding of these dimensions. It has

and the

flexible,

environmental stimuli.

talked of

I

in the Light

around them. Their

lives of those

positive in every way." She looked

changed their

lives are

down

lives

becoming more "The

at her bare feet.

world may seem to be in a polarized mess right now, but there are

new human beings ready toll

until

the time

is

much more As we

the time I

uncovering whatever

in

I

the time

is

now. People are

Their spiritual understanding

understood.

myself that

was looking

I

for

I

I

was once again reminded of

was small,

my

I

me

to travel so

I

in the

my own me to

for years

What was and

years,

I

backyard of

for a

missing dimension

hadn't realized that what

my own

spirit. I

I

could

I

sit

was having

Chris.

explained that

previous lifetimes with

"Oh," she tone for

is

didn't understand in each foreign culture?

had been searching

I

hadn't yet touched.

was

much

happily for days having a discussion such as the one

now with

so

is

curiosity motivated

could only define as the missing link.

that had compelled

Now

And

bell doesn't

from blowing ourselves up."

sat together,

From

search for what it

that.

The

a breakthrough.

powerful than their intellectual understanding. That

will prevent us

pursuit.

make

ready.

beginning to understand

what

to

how

I

was particularly interested in pursuing

my

parents.

said, "that's very important.

Our

we'll ultimately relate to the world.

519

parents set the

They know our

MacLaine

Shirley

trigger points intimately and unless

with family members, the same "Well, Chris,"

I

said,

we

can resolve those points

"don't our families cause those con-

us just because of what goes on?

flicts in

my own

reasons for

deal in tracing

insecurities in

down

adulthood."

fate awaits us in

my

I

many

see so

parents. So what's the big

Why

past-life stuff?

mean,

I

do

want

I

to

do

so

it

much?" "Because," she said, "when you realize that you chose them

work through certain emotional problems yourself, you them anymore. When you learn not to blame your

in order to

don't blame

blame anyone

parents, you learn not to

else.

Family

life

the

is

most intense of environments. Each member of the family keenly intuitive about the behavior of the other.

We

feel

is

victim-

ized by the family because they start with us

when

Sometimes we get stuck

behavior pattern of

victimization.

in

addiction to victimization. choice

we'd

just

realize

that the family

we wouldn't extend it into our adult lives. But own responsibility in the matter,

the problem,

we

If

that will perpetuate that

one each of us makes in an attempt to clear ourselves of

is

because

the emotional

Then we choose mates

we're infants.

we

are not aware of our

abdicate the potential for growth."

"So,"

I

"the household

said,

is

the symbol of basic, funda-

mental emotional drama that we chose to work on?" "Yes," said Chris, "and we use families to translate emotional

symbols

at

an early age. For example, a child always relates more

to the tone of voice than to the

words themselves. The intuitive

interplay hones his perceptions so that he can be in the world. If a child chose a

wants to work out

a

domineering

more discerning

father,

it's

because he

problem with domination. [Shades of

father.} If a child chooses a passive mother, perhaps the task

allow

the

mother

[Shades of

my

with each

human

to

experience what

mother.} There are so soul.

Only the

soul

320

it

many

is

to

my

is

to

be dominated.

inner scenarios involved

knows why

it

has chosen

its

Dancing

And

drama.

confusion

problems of

soul understands, the less

will feel.

it

"You

more the

the

/« the Light

see," Chris

went on,

"if

we taught our

children that

they chose us as parents, the child would learn early on to take

more

That

responsibility for his fate.

We

crucial.

is

why enlightenment

is

so

not operating with enough knowledge in our

are

This way the child either gives up because of the authority

society.

he experiences, or he becomes rebellious. But his soul intuitively

knows

whatever

that.

And

it

might

he can't resolve

if

recognition of his

own

the pattern and he could

taught

why

damaged he carries

it,

using

is

it

remember how

I

I

go.

got into this myself.

And when what

me on

set

he

it if

are your

I

learned

one

really

taught me,

me

path that help

'felt'

right,

I

knew

you don't

if

I

search

had

feel it.

it."

So

mother and father?"

leaned back in her chair with the tragi-comedy of their

relationship scampering through

my

head.

"They're so wonderful they're like a soap opera," laughing. "They are so tied together at every level.

myself so times

isn't

look back and can't

I

No a

"Sure," said Chris, "you can't go on

I

would unlock

But how can he do

"Sometimes

said.

although certain individuals

how

forth with him. He's

it

to perpetuate the pattern.

responsibility in the matter let it

for his situa-

child chose to experience

he's there in the first place?"

"Very tough,"

out myself.

A

be.

stuck in victimization and

A

blame the parent

that he can't legitimately

tion,

it

much

I

I

said,

understand

them interrelate. But somebecomes too much. They must have some incredible better by watching

karma going with each other." Chris giggled, holding her stomach.

"Oh, yes," she

commitment

is

said, "that's quite clear.

spilling all over the place.

The I

intensity of their

can

feel

it

through

you." I

reflected

on how the process of karma worked.

321

It

wasn't

Shirley

MacLaine

chronological and linear. In other words, they might have spent a perfectly placid lifetime in association with each other while they

worked out

a

more intense karma

someone

relating to

else. It

was

though, that this time around they were concentrated on

clear,

each other. They were living a cocoon existence, completely wrapped

up

in each other

and had done so since

"You know," that

I

could remember.

"sometimes

said to Chris,

worked out most of

I've

I

my

stuff with

witnessing what they do to each other.

It

gets

"Sure," said Chris, "your role this time

I

me

is

get the feeling

them except

for

upset."

probably to point

how

out what they've got to learn from each other, rather than

it

you."

relates to

Chris got up and led

me

outside. "Let's

go do some work,"

she said.

We

walked through

her clinic.

on

A

tricycle (her

a patio area in

side under an ancient

its

other in their

stalls

between her house and

youngest daughter's) rested overturned

maple

tree.

Two

goats nuzzled each

behind a fence and chickens clucked when they

heard Chris coming. Chris's clinic was behind a glass-enclosed greenhouse

The

she raised fruit trees and herbal plants.

room

built of stone.

clinic

where

was one simple

Inside the temperature was several degrees

cooler than anywhere else. There was a

bathroom with an old-style

pull-chain flush toilet and a tiled Spanish sunken tub just adjacent to the clinic

A

room.

wide massage table covered with clean sheets and

a blanket

stood in the center of the room. There were two windows with rustling trees outside. I

dug out

extension cord,

above the table

my I

tape recorder and batteries and tapes. Using an

hung the

just over

recorder from a hook on the rafter

where

my

face

would

record every nuance of what would occur.

322

be, so that

I

could

Dancing

A

in the Light

small table by the door had alcohol, herbal medicines, and

Chris's gold

and

silver

acupuncture needles on top of

undressed and climbed onto the table.

I

chirping from the trees outside.

it.

could hear birds

I

buzzed around the room

Flies

from the open door. Chris stretched out her arms and directed the toward the open door.

flies

direction, they

left.

Whether

was the arms or the

it

Gently she closed the door and instructed

me

to relax.

She pulled the needles from their alcohol container and brought

them

and wiped them dry with clean gauze.

to the table

"My

guides will help direct

"They have

said.

me

with the needles today," she

a chronological plan of

working with you during

these sessions."

Chris had her spiritual guides just as

knew

I

We

had mine.

both

Her guides were proficient in body meridians and energy points of the body. The primary guide was they worked together.

who was

an ancient Chinese doctor

always present

when

she

worked.

As soon

as

I

relaxed,

room. Let

entities in the

I

me

could

their presence.

We

mass, and time. sion

live

dimension of

where there

I

life,

When

explain.

help of spiritual dimensional guides,

visible

the presence of the other

feel

it's

and operate

in

one works with the

necessary to tune in to

what

I

would

call

the

measured by height, width, breadth,

was learning to recognize the invisible dimen-

are

no measurements possible. In

fact,

it

is

the

dimension of no-height, no- width, no-breadth, and no-mass, and as a

matter of further

spirit.

It

fact,

no-time.

It

is

the dimension of the

cannot be confined or defined and by

not even recognized as reality. But

I

many people

was learning that the

it

is

invisi-

ble dimensions were, indeed, very real.

Chris went into a her guides.

I

felt a

moment

of meditation as she tuned into

breath of cold air pass over

my

body, which

always accompanies the presence of a spiritual guide in a room.

525

I

MacLaine

Shirley

began to tune in

to the presence of her guides too.

I

have not yet

been able to "see" the energy of the invisible dimension, but she can. She sees their presence in light colors also "sees" the auric field of every

she is

what we have come

is

specifically

human

which have form. She being. In other words,

Her consciousness

to call a "sensitive."

aware of energies which most of the

only assume are there. For example,

I

"feel"

rest

of us can

when Ramtha and

McPherson are around, but I can't see any evidence of it. I just "know" it and go from there. "Okay," she said, "I know what they want me to do. This is going to be a kind of crash course today. Your body is holding certain memories that you need to release. I will place the needles at

meridian points that will

"You mean,"

my

body

is

I

facilitate the release."

said, "that they can see the

memory

patterns

holding.'*"

"They

"Sure," said Chris.

energy. Every cell in your body

from the dimension of pure

see is

holding the energy of experi-

ence, not only from this lifetime, but every lifetime.

have to keep in

mind

that

limited. Holographic time

is

We

our concept of linear time

always is

too

the actual reality."

Chris put three very fine, thin gold needles into the Third

Eye point

in the center of

my

forehead. She gently twirled

them

to

stimulate the utmost effect. There was some pain.

"I'm using the gold needles today because they stimulate a higher frequency than the

"Your Third Eye

said.

mind,

you'll get to

it

silver.

area

when

is

You

have scar tissue in here," she

holding some traumatic pain. Never

you're ready."

I grunted, but was not too happy about the prospect. I remembered what had happened when I visited the Inca museum

in

Lima, Peru.

skulls.

gazed was.

I

had walked by a glass case that housed several

Each skull had a hole at the skulls in horror,

As I strange memory of what it

in the center of the forehead. I

had a

The museum keeper had not even needed 524

to tell

me

that the

Dancing in

the Light

Inca high priests had chiseled holes in the center of the forehead to

open up the psychic energy of the Third Eye. The Third Eye

is

an

especially sensitized area for spiritual awareness. Clairvoyant capacity,

God

perceptive levels of discernment, the eye of

to center in the Third Eye. It

are supposed

the eye that "sees" beyond the

is

earth-plane dimension.

Again, Chris twirled the needles. The pain came again. "This is

dense scar tissue," she said.

"Well,"

said, "I

I

had

a small cancerous

growth removed

something

to

do with

"No," she

it.-'"

said,

came

holding in that

area.

soul imprint

memory

is

something more. As

"it's

the growth probably still

as a reaction to a

on every single

struggling

out judgment,

and thus

we

matter of

fact,

the body was

cell

in the

body.

We

carry the

incarnation and those memories need to be

into each

resolved and cleared

all

a

memory

The body remembers everything. The

if

we

are to

Total acceptance of experience we're

to

Could that have

the side of that area about twelve years ago.

for.

go on is

When we

are operating

a higher frequency.

on

to a higher enlightenment.

what we're

after.

That's what

totally accept experience with-

a higher level of

The body, mind, and

understanding spirit are

then

in an aligned enlightenment."

"So what are these needles doing

"They you can

are stimulating the

release the trauma.

body

then.-^"

to

I

asked.

remember experiences

Each energy meridian point

is

so

stimu-

when I memory in the area. The Chinese were very advanced in this. They knew the body was a messenger system. The body is how we know

twirl the needles. They then activate the cellular

lated

we're here in this dimension

we're

thing.

We

the dimension of mass, the dimen-

when we're sick, anxious, when we're in pain. The body knows everydon't listen to it enough. The pain from the needles

sion of experience.

when

—

The body never

523

lies. It tells

us

MacLatne

Shirley

on what the body remembers and needs

focuses

force anything though. Just let

my

Chris put more gold needles into

my ears. She gently twirled "Now breathe light into the

That helps ease the

needles.

pain while stimulating the actual memory."

Breathe light into the needles? needle and projected light

each

upper shoulders and

them.

behind

memory

Don't

to clear.

happen."

it

visualized the location of

I

my

them with

into

mind.

I

breathed deeply.

"Now and don't

relax," said Chris. "Let your let

the

mind

brain judge what you are thinking. Give

left

your right brain more space. As a matter of let

go. Don't evaluate

fact,

don't think. Just

the pictures come." I

Then

breathed more light into the needles as she had instructed. I

did some deeper breathing. The breath of

Indians called

words

We

should I?

soul power.

was

It

dumb

a

How

sciously designed to keep us in the

intellectually,

it

Thank God from

my

could

expectation.

measurement and evaluation was an limited thinking.

Maybe we were

the

I

prove

had

I

The whole

exercise

in

process of

futility

muck and mire

a soul?

uncon-

of our

own

addicted to helplessness because,

was the only thing we could prove. I

forehead,

was lying on

my

this table

shoulders, and

could get in touch with lives clear

up some confusions

ago,

anyone had told

I

had

me

I

I

my

with needles quivering ears,

believing that

had lived before so that

in this lifetime.

would be

Yet

fifteen years

would have

full

deck of cards.

my

torso

my

and put two more

chest.

breathe more light into these," she said.

326

I

could

I

Chris slid the sheet away from needles into the center of

I

if,

into this,

thought they weren't playing with a

"Now

as

life,

wishing there were

lay there

were so linear-minded, so proof-minded, so

own

suspicious of our

I

language which could more aptly describe

in the English

the experience.

Why

Prana energy.

it.

Dancing

in the Light

She twirled them gently. There was no pain. "If

don't have any pain there, does

I

anything to

body

don't have

"perhaps you have cleared a great deal of

said,

it,

The

memories from every incarnation you've ever experi-

many

enced, but there are

chosen

I

not relevant to what you're looking for now.

it's

carries

"And my

of those memories that you haven't "

work on

to

mean

it

waited.

asked.

clear.''" I

"Well," she or perhaps

I

this

soul

time around.

remembers everything and knows what

I've

chosen to work on now?"

"Right," she unlimited

want

to

self

do

said.

"To make

it

try

is

to

get

you are then working with your your

own

know

That intuitive

touch with that.

in

perception comes through the right brain.

you already

though, your higher,

clearer,

what knows and remembers everything. What we

is

God

everything there

own

best teacher and your

self

to

is

When

you touch

that,

and will understand that

know. Therefore, you

are

guru, so to speak."

Chris replaced the sheet gently over the chest needles so

wouldn't get chilled. The cool wafts of

air

I

were coming more

intensely around the table.

"All

my

guides are here now," she said. "So are yours. Let's

turn on the recorder and begin."

"Okay,"

I

said, "so

"That's right,"

she

just lie here

I

and relax?"

answered. "And

allow the pictures in

your mind to unfold."

That was not easy

my own

creative process.

something.

It

me

for I

because

I

liked to be in control of

why

always analyzed

served as a clue to

my

I

was thinking

subconscious. But what she

was talking about was the superconscious.

"Where

will the pictures

come from?"

I

asked, interrupting

the flow immediately.

"They

will

consciousness,

come from your own higher

your unlimited soul

527

—whatever

self,

your higher

you want to

call

MacLaine

Shirley

she said. "All of your previous lifetimes of experience reside in

it,"

God

your

That

self.

what

is

You know what

guide, your teacher.

your counselor, your

serves as

it

I'm talking about. Try to

listen to it." I

my eyes. I could hear the hum of the above my head. heard a fly buzz against

back and closed

lay

tape recorder dangling

I

A

window.

the screen of the open

dog barked

in the distance.

The

branches of the trees creaked in the breeze outside. I

ness.

I

my mind

felt

tried to relax

begin to

drift

away from

into blankness, for

it

I

own

its

conscious-

had learned some time

ago that you don't force anything when your goal

is

to be peaceful

in your center.

Suddenly and with rapid speed,

montages of pictures.

It

came

free associating. It didn't

"What

are

realized

I

so easily that

me

even occur to

you getting?" said Chris.

incarnational pictures because I'm getting

She startled me.

own

brain, but she

It's

thought

was saying

nothing,"

"It's

pictures.

I

I

was

I

it

was

I

thought

I

was simply

to say anything aloud. "I

know

them

you're getting

too."

just drifting

around

in

my

significant.

"I'm just seeing

said.

was seeing quick

I

lots

of flashes of

nothing. I'm just free associating. Let's wait until

something happens."

"No,"

said Chris.

"Wait

a

minute. Something

is

happening.

Stop judging and evaluating what you're getting. Leave your mind out of

this.

Just get out of your intellectual way. Tell

me what

you're seeing."

"Well," so.

I

don't

I

said, "it's sort of disjointed.

know

if

I

can talk as

feel like I'd rather just

it.

see because that

But you

are

I'm seeing the pictures.

look at the pictures I'm

"First of all," she said,

what you

fast as

Almost outrageously

is

making the

"you may the only

feel that

I

making up." you're

making up

way you have of explaining

pictures for yourself based on experi-

328

Dancing

in the Light

Where do you think

ence. Just trust that.

fantasy and imagination

come from?" know. Yes,

"I don't

I

do.

I

understand what you're saying.

I'm not making this stuff up.

just can't believe

I

mean,

I

crazy."

it's

me what you're seeing," she commanded again. "It is Your higher self is communicating to you. Listen to it." Okay, I thought. I'll just express what's happening out loud "Tell

not crazy.

and deal with as

I

felt

lay

it

on the

later.

table. It wasn't at all like a

was the participant and observer

I

though

were experiencing two

I

my

was completely aware of

I

surroundings

hypnotic trance. Yet

same time.

at the

It

was

I

as

of consciousness simul-

levels

taneously.

This

what happened.

is

voiced

I

of

all

so

it

would have

I

it

recorded.

The watching

pictures

came

in the front of

my own

a film inside of

my mind

head.

as

though

They had

texture,

were

I

some-

times smell. There were experienced tactile sensations and definitely

what

I

would

For example,

call a recalled

I

saw myself buried

feeling intense pressure

and unable to move

emotional reaction.

on

my

my

body.

I

arms. Just as

meant, the picture shifted.

I

sand up to

in

wasn't frightened.

saw myself

at that

of a man.

image.

I

knew

it

was

I

I

telling

me

wondered

seeing that picture as a reminder that

participating in this session as one of

moment,

neck,

was hot

with a peg

my

it

leg,

shoulder.

I

was me, yet the image was that

remembered McPherson

I

shared an incarnation as pirates.

I

asked myself what

I

as a pirate

limping along a waterfront with a knapsack over laughed

my

my

that each of us had

if

that

was

it.

And

McPherson might be guides?

Up

to that

hadn't thought of him. Immediately the pirate image

I

disappeared.

A

tall,

lean Egyptian-looking

gold robe glided toward me.

woman.

It

was

my

mother

I

woman

dressed in a purple and

couldn't see myself.

in this lifetime!

529

I

only saw the

She had a long aquiline

MacLaim

Shirley

nose and inky black hair. She was a queen of some kind, with

though

subjects flanking her as she glided toward me. Then, as

should associate the queen identity with those that followed,

woman

an African native

I

I

saw

sobbing with an infant in her arms. The

baby was hungry, but the mother, who was nude from the waist up, had no milk to feed the child. Her breasts hung limp and dry. Again,

my

was

it

attempting to zero

sun

—

with

a tall

on who

in

A Roman

changed again.

But

mother.

getting a

was running

athlete

— running

mother! Suddenly

rundown on some of my mother's

were necessary

for

me

Another image

to see for .

.

.

though

as

some

I

in a race

realized

incarnations.

I

was

They

reason.

Her robe was orange and

other shoulder. Again

— my mother. So

nations of power,

was properly integrating what

I

the

high priestess of some kind with an

archery set on her shoulder.

if

in

an exalted state of physical

free in

my

power. The athlete was also

was

I

might have been the picture

man

and powerful blond

head held high and

his

I

Greek

or

As

wasn't the infant.

I

fell

from the

she had had several incar-

was seeing.

I

The picture shifted again. The montage of images was coming faster now.

around the table

saw a

I

United

felt

I I

lay on.

crystal

States, only

there was

the cool wafts of spiritual energy intensify

pyramid

was on land.

it

much more

what

off the east coast of

gleamed

It

moisture in the

air

is

now

in the sun,

than there

is

the

but

now. The

drops of moisture glistened in the atmosphere around the pyramid like

shimmering

a

curtain.

particles of moisture.

I

I

could see the

couldn't see me, but

breathe in the moist air which served to breath.

Could

Atlantis before tion.

I

filter

air I

my

because of the

could

feel

myself

system with each

I

have been seeing the authentic atmosphere of

it

sank.^

Again,

I

felt

ridiculous with

my

specula-

was comfortable with believing that Atlantis had existed

intellectually, but to pictorially confront

550

what

it

might have been

Dancing

like to be there in personal

in the Light

terms was

doubt changed the picture

accept. Again, the

even for me, to

difficult,

in

my

mind's eye.

Dark clouds and lightning clashed over the pyramid. The sound was deafening in my head. Somewhere in here I stopped

my

talking and the needles behind

"What

are

you

began

ears

to ache.

asked Chris. "Are you getting bad

getting.-*"

weather? That's what I'm seeing." I

opened

"Don't

my

let

lifetime. I I

Keep

shut

my

commanded

go,"

me

They're telling

She was j^^ing the same pictures

eyes.

it

"This

Chris.

has to do with abuse of

it

the image going. Trace

I

was?

important.

power

in

that

Why

was

down."

it

The crashing storm

eyes again.

is

persisted.

seeing this?

"Ask your higher

commanded I

self

why

showing you

it's

this

image,"

Chris.

did. Instantaneously

I

got back: "Because you had mastered

the knowledge of weather control in this particular incarnation,

but abused your power, you were insensitive to the consequences

The words came in English but it was the words that I felt more deeply. I had mastered

of your manipulation."

thought behind the

the knowledge of weather controP.

My

mind

conscious

raced to

my

appreciation of wild and

stormy weather conditions today. To be in the center of crashing lightning,

rolling

thunder, and pelting rain gave

pleasure as anything

I

could think

of.

Could

me

this feeling

as

much

be related

to a former existence?

The storm image disappeared and kinds of craft floating in the like

huge flower

petals with

of transportation for people

fuel.

ley lines like invisible

a desert.

who I

lived

on

were various

They were shaped

windows and seemed

necessarily extraterrestrial, but

sound and had no

above

air

in its place

earth.

couldn't be sure.

to be the

mode

They weren't They made no

They were propelled along electromagnetic highways of energy

5^1

in the sky.

MacLaine

Shirley

think

I I

was

it

I made the decision that even make up what I was seeing.

at this point that

wasn't "imaginative" enough to

Somehow

was seeing reahty although

I

consciously experienced before.

my

lowed

same

set of pictures

huge projector

finger.

saw myself

I

image of myself with

my

little finger. I felt

nun with black

as a

on the

table,

my

enough

fast

"Just do see

I

had ever just al-

left.

pain in the

scuffed shoes

my

across

eye seared with pain. But

left

to

stills

(my

saw a particularly horrible

I

embedded

a hatchet

image changed, the pain

rhythm

reality

screen.

perspective focused on the shoes).

lay

was no

peeled off like a sliding set of

saw myself hanging from

I

it

go completely and

let

higher self free expression.

The next across a

I

left eye.

as

soon

As

I

as the

could hardly voice the pictures in

I

keep up with the images.

what you can,"

"They

said Chris.

just

want you

to

incarnational experiences that relate to what you can learn

now." "But,"

I

protested,

"Your guides,

"who

are theyT'

your

as well as

own

God

higher, unlimited

Chris gently.

self," said

"Okay,"

I

said in frustration, "but

how

can

be seeing these

I

-*"

things and

still

consciously carry on a conversation.

"you are operating on two

"Because," she said,

levels

of

consciousness at the same time and you are going to have to learn to

do that

for

the

of your

rest

communicating what you your higher

Both

self at all

are real.

when you

You

learn.

life

You

times and use

will just have

integrate the two.

And

if

you

are

about

soon will be able to channel it

in this earth-plane reality.

more dimension this

serious

is

something

to your existence like

what

it

will

feel like."

More I

saw

pictures were

coming now.

crystal doors standing in sand

—again

the desert.

The

doors were standing like solid portals but nothing grew around

5i2

Dancing

tn the Light

them. There was no vegetation. Only stark desert.

It

disturbed

me

some reason. Because there was no Hfe. Then I saw a flashback in time which I knew was prior to the desert picture. Somehow I knew they were related. The flashback for

picture had lush, opulent green gardens with pink and turquoise

water fountains. Gracefully lean people moved and walked along crystal

walkways. They didn't

ically.

Animals and

They communicated

talk.

we have now, scamamong the people. They

birds, similar to those

pered along the crystal walkways in and

seemed

to be in tune

playfully

command

with one another.

place. tell

I

could

the people

feel

the animals to do something telepathically,

and the animals responded immediately. walk to

telepath-

a tree, pick a piece of fruit,

I

saw one of the people

and materialize another

There were buildings made of something white.

what the material was. The clothing was

I

in its

couldn't

a crystal fabric of

some kind and the same fabric was used as hair decoration. "I'm seeing some kind of extraordinary civilization," I said

to

Chris. "I see crystal and lots of orange and pink hues like rainbows

What

in the air.

is

it?"

"Ask your higher a question, address

Okay,

I

it

self,"

answered Chris. "Whenever you have

to your

would. In

was seeing. The answer came within

my own

"You advanced

it

"Why

God

self."

my mind in

I

asked

my

higher self what

I

English as though spoken from

mind.

are seeing the civilization of Atlantis,"

it

said.

"Very

was." does everything seem to be crystal?

Why

are

the

people wearing crystal headdresses?"

"Because," the

it

answered, "crystal worn on the body amplifies

higher consciousness,

particularly

if

worn about the head

area." I

continued to observe in

detailed picture

I

my

mind's eye the longest and most

had experienced.

555

MacLaine

Shirley

guessed

I

knew

didn't question

I

You were

incarnation,"

My

my

asked

I

"You were

my

though

had stopped.

it

higher self in

my

silently directed

I

was seeing the result?"

I

I

couldn't

make out where

my

or

when.

a

a battle-

sword and some

shoulders. There was another warrior

me

in the

stomach. As

forward, the picture changed completely to another time

fell

period.

walked up to another warrior and stabbed him

I

my

back. Both times the warrior was

Then

I

saw myself

crushing them. The

feet

to navigate quite easily fate.

I

today.

He had

cart

in a

who was

life

to

my

my

had rolled over

I

I

feet,

had learned

was not unhappy about

meadow and

as

I

looked closer,

taking care of

me

was

me

felt

it

accidentally run over

devote the rest of his

who had been run

had had to be amputated.

with the stumps.

was playing

recognized the person

The

in the

mother!

as a ten-year-old child

over by a horse-drawn cart.

I

was on

I

had

I

advancing toward me. The warrior stabbed

my

show

will

detail later."

metal material around

I

"We

It said,

Immediately, the picture changed again. field.

my

mind. "You mean, we are

higher self didn't really answer.

more

destruc-

its

said.

it

going to blow ourselves up and

in

lifeless desert

higher self what the relationship was.

seeing what happened to Atlantis after

heart felt as

My

I

also seeing an aspect of the future in your present

next question to

you

And somehow

it.

was related to the stark picture of the dry

it

previously seen.

tion.

was because

it

and

upbringing.

I felt

a

my

his

I

father

duty to

warm glow

as

was

a

recalled this picture.

The

scene changed again.

young Buddhist monk wearing

monk came

my

to

me

religious cell.

the cross over

my

to say

As

I

face

I

was

in

a monastery.

good night

as

I

lay

on the stone

looked up into his face, he

and smiled. The older

334

I

An

a saffron-colored robe.

made

older

floor of

the sign of

monk was

Vassy!

Dancing

my

In

conscious mind,

By now,

remembered how Vassy always made face whenever we left each other.

I

my

the sign of the cross over

Light

in the

was feeling emotionally exhausted.

I

difficulty assimilating all that

1

saw.

I

guess

I

was having

I

needed more time to

process the experience. "I believe

higher self I

we've done enough today," said Chris. "Ask your

there

if

during

else

you should know."

my

higher

self,

"you must be careful of your diet

time period."

this

know what

didn't

was beginning concentrate. I

anything

directed the question again.

"Yes," said

I

is

to

My

that meant.

uncomfortable on the table.

feel

lower back hurt and

couldn't get any more answers.

touch.

felt as

I

though

asked for specifics, but

I

I

It

I

I

needed to stretch

was

as

though

I

I

couldn't

my

legs.

were out of

were blocking.

"All right," said Chris, "they say that's enough for today."

She put down her paper and pencil and leaned over me. but with sharp movements, she extracted the needles

Lightly,

from the meridian points. The Third Eye needle had already

popped

out.

"You "I

certainly are rejecting the Third

Eye area," said Chris.

wonder what that's all about." "I don't know," I said, rather confused. "Well, we'll see." I

felt

got up from the table and slowly stretched

half in and half out of this world, but

my

muscles.

I

conscious of both

still

levels of reality. "It's

imperative," said Chris, "that you take an apple cider

vinegar bath tonight. Natural apple vinegar helps the body clear the negative energy from

"Okay,"

I

said.

some of the events you

"Can

I

have a drink

Chris stopped to think.

probably

all

right, because

it

"Well, will help

555

if

when you

recalled."

I

feel

get

home?"

you must,

it's

you get out of the way of

MacLaine

Shirley

down

your left-brain intellectual perceptions, but alcohol slows the vibration of the body and

get

to

touch with

in

sensible about

it

those

make

difficult for

you

Be

will

You know what

it.

more

higher frequency dimensions.

it

you're here for, so listen to

yourself." I

we went back

dressed and

where her

to her house,

five-year-

old daughter waited to be fed.

and reflecting on what had happened.

questions, really

long wooden table drinking apple juice, eating

sat at her

I

grapes,

yet

was

knew my skepticism

I

a difference

between what

I

had so many There

wasn't productive.

I

had

This experience definitely

experienced and

just

structured.

I

also

had come up with images which genuinely shocked me. In

free

free association.

association with psychotherapy,

felt

random and

the thoughts were

always related to experiences of familiar territory that had been part of

my

life

"Go

Yet the gnawing doubt that

in this lifetime.

might have been making

up

it

take your vinegar bath," said Chris. "Don't ponder too

much. Relax

in the

early tonight

and we'll continue tomorrow."

I

tub for

my

climbed into

at least

twenty minutes.

home

stopped

at the

Go

market

my

for the apple-cider

straight to the bathtub.

The body

mind.

has an affinity for higher

how you

the body clears out the trauma of the physical

memory, the

as

I

off.

Cleanse

sat in the

own.-'

Each

it

Let

it

go.

I

looked

down

at

my

treat

legs

it.

As

residue

and

feet

memory of their memory imprinted by the soul

bathtub. Those legs and feet had a

cell in

itselP If so,

it.

bed

vinegar and went

octave frequencies, Chris had said. Be careful

spins

to

and drove back to Santa Fe with the

car

incarnational images tumbling over and over in I

I

persisted.

the body had a

could be that each of us had carried an emotional

blueprint through incarnation after incarnation and the blueprint

was what manifested knew someone upon

in

first

body and

face.

So when we thought we

meeting them, we were actually recogniz-

336

in the Light

Dancing

ing the soul as

it

shone through the

face,

with each incarnational

experience being part of the development of soul arid body.

As

lay in the

I

tub thinking,

I

wondered how long

it

would

be before scientists would find ways to verify the evolution of the

same way that they had

soul in the

verified the evolution of the

body.

thought of

I

understand it.

It

all

—on quantum

sounded very much

A

the

books

physics

.

.

had read

I

the

.

new

— and

to

tried

physics, they called

like ancient Eastern mysticism.

few quantum physicists were saying that possessed

looked

it

as

consciousness.

though subatomic

particles

With photons,

example, they observed a "reality" whereby

for

actually

seemed to be occurring on

activity

dimensions.

We

as

were used to defining

senses told us, that

is,

many

a

twelve different

as

terms of what our

reality in

our conscious experience, plus measuring in

terms of height, width, depth, and abstract dimensions like linear

—but

Einstein had already taught us that time in fact has no

time

dimension. Therefore

all

serious attempts to describe "reality" are forced

to speculate

on the metaphysical {beyond the physical). That could

mean then

that

reality, or

perhaps not the whole

Quantum physical

Hence

our perceived physical world

not

is

the only

reality.

physics was saying that what

we

perceive to be

reality was actually our cognitive construction of

reality

was only what each of us decided

it

it.

was.

Ancient Hindu wisdom claimed the same thing, that each individual was recognized as being the center of

which a

is

not arrogant

manifestation of

when

God

it is

its

own

universe

understood that each individual

is

and therefore personally involved with

Divine Energy.

The new

physicists were saying that the key to understanding

the universe was

in

understanding ourselves,

557

for

we

alter

the

MacLaine

Shirley

we

objects

We are

observe simply by observing.

then not observers

but participants.

Werner Heisenberg, winner of shook the there

is

scientific

the

Nobel Prize

world by saying that "at the sub-atomic

no such thing

quantum

the

at that level

observe," he said, "is not nature

physics leads

the only place

there

is

to

Einstein said that past and present and future time were

all

fore,

—

"What we

but nature exposed to our method of questioning. There-

itself,

go

it.

level

Such was the power of

as the exact science."

our consciousness that we couldn't observe anything

without changing

for physics,

us

to

ourselves."

same because they converged

in

our consciousness

mw. Time

existed in toto.

looked over

I

at the

said that something

is

wooden

chair beside the bathtub. Science

organic

if

it

has the ability to process

wood was made up of cells which were made up of atoms which were made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons, which were made up of subinformation and to act accordingly. The

atomic

particles,

vibrational energy

one of which was photons. which had

consciousness.

It

And

photons

were

was the "conscious-

ness" of the photon which interacted with the consciousness of the

The dancers and the dancing were one. I remembered reading that when Werner Heisenberg asked his professor and friend Niels Bohr how we could ever understand the makeup of the atom if we didn't have the language for it, Bohr replied, "First, we have to learn what the word 'understand' really

scientific observer.

means."

When scribe the their

the Buddhist masters implored their students to de-

sound of one hand clapping, they were

students to get more

in

really inspiring

touch with their

own thought

processes where linear dimensions were concerned. Eastern systems

of thought had always understood the limitations of linear dimension.

Maybe what

I

was experiencing with multidimensional con-

558

Dancing

sciousness was part of the

made up saw

quantum

physics reality.

of subatomic particles and each one of

consciousness. I

in the Light

When

My

body was

them possessed

a

the subatomic consciousness was stimulated,

their translation into images.

Yogis who had learned to

raise their

consciousness could see

human

their past-life incarnations as well as incarnations of other

beings.

They saw

their reality in light vibrational frequencies

which was exactly what the new science said photons were.

Quantum

physics said

combinations of other

that

particles.

interaction created force.

all

particles

exist

That the cause and

Could

as

different

effect of that

that process also be

termed the

karma of subatomic interaction.'' According to Mahayana Buddhism, the appearance of reality was based upon the interdependence of all things. The ancient Indian vedas claimed the same truth.

The

old physics taught us that

to events in the physical

we were

essentially unrelated

world of atomic and subatomic structure;

that they interrelated regardless of our existence as

human

beings.

The new physics was teaching us that we we involved, but that such atomic structure might exist because of our consciousness. As John and McPherson and Ramtha and the Eastern mystics

were inextricably

involved. That not only were

had

said,

"Nature follows mind."

No wonder we human cal

reality

beings

felt

of our environment and science.

helping us realize that not only were responsible for I

so isolated

its

it

No

part of

much was we were

but

about enlightenment and what

it

the process of removing veils of ignorance and

judgment and preconditioned prejudice from our it

one it,

existence.

lay in the water thinking

meant. Wasn't

we

from the physi-

the attempt to understand personal truth so

concepts.''

Wasn't

we could

reach a

higher level of consciousness?

Was

physics about

the same process?

559

It

would seem

so.

Shirley

particularly

if

MacLaine

the physical world

came down

to a question of the

consciousness of the atom! At the very least,

spiritualism and

mysticism were concepts to be taken seriously by explorers in the "physical" world. Broadly speaking, the two paths were converg-

ing toward the same truth

and hence,

the truth of expanded consciousness

God-force.

finally, to the realization of the

Enlightenment was were also

—

Subatomic structures

a state of being.

a state of being.

being one and the same,

This did not but

it

make

two states of some sense of

the

created

surely

identity between the two.

remembered Niels Bohr saying, "Those who are not shocked when they first come across quantum physics cannot possibly have I

understood

it."

So, to be

open-minded was the

first

step toward enlightenment.

The wind began to blow outside the bathroom window. I knew the wind was there, but I had never seen it. How would I describe the wind except to define the effect it had on something else? No one has ever seen atoms either. But we know they are there, interacting with cause

and

effect.

The great thinker and scientist Giordano Bruno, to whom Sir Isaac Newton paid so much respect, was burned at the stake as a heretic

because he envisaged multitudinous solar systems,

parallel planets such as ours, envisaged

saw

life

on other worlds, and

left

him

publicly stated what he believed.

Rene Descartes saw

visions

which

helpless to con-

tinue to relate to linear dimensions as he had before. His conclusions were reduced to: "I think, therefore

I

am."

Aristotle believed that the mind, spirit, and soul were

more

important than the "physical" world.

As

I

lay in the

now

tepid water,

I

wondered

if

the

be located in parts of the body other than the head.

540

mind could Under the

Dancing

needles,

What

I

almost

felt

that

my

in the Light

legs

and arms and torso could think.

did that mean? As a dancer

was remembering

a long forgotten

I

sometimes

felt

combination of

that

my

body

steps.

Wilder Penfield, famous neurosurgeon and brain

researcher,

mind The mind had no specific centered body. The mind appeared to be everywhere in

claimed, after exhaustive research, that, in his opinion, the

was not lodged

in the brain.

—

location within the

muscles,

tissues,

cells,

bones,

separation between the one

the body.

Was

It all

this

There seemed

organs.

mind and

at

it

was possible

When

the same time?

subatomic structure of the interior

memory

stimulate cellular

to

cells,

seemed

perception

the needles stimulated the

were they then stimulating an

a great deal of exterior behavior, also

we then

included karmic cellular memory, could

It

mind

of cause and effect? If subconscious experience,

which admittedly controlled that "interior"

be no

operated psychically.

why

memory and come up with a past-life experience.'' Did we perhaps have several levels of subconscious going on

to

other consciousness within

karma governed

a logical possibility

a great deal of

consider that

our exterior karma?

and led to the concept that the new

age of consciousness-raising was really

all

about becoming more

aware of the interior truths in our subatomic structure.

Maybe

this

was the realized

state of

being in the achieve-

ments of Jesus Christ, and Buddha, and the Indian avatars and yogis of today.

The

avatars claim to have raised their electromag-

netic frequencies in order to resonate to a higher level of awareness.

That was why they could

linear dimensions.

see "reality"

The Indian masters claim

beyond the accepted that

when

they reach

that state of being, they cease to feel the need to manipulate others

or even to recognize negativity. interior or exterior.

tion of the universal

They

God

are

There

is

no conflict

in

them,

one with themselves and the perfec-

energy and hence can control individual

energies.

541

MacLaine

Shirley

remembered the lama-priests I had seen in Bhutan. In icy, subzero weather they came to a frozen lake, submerged themselves in a hole cut into the ice, and meditated until the ice around them I

melted and steam rose from their bodies. They explained that they

had simply raised their vibrational frequencies.

Were

they

accelerating the electromagnetic energy of subatomic particles in their bodies?

They claimed the

faster they accelerated their frequencies, the

closer they approached the Divine God-force as a

white light so bright we couldn't see

which they described it.

They

said that an

individual's electromagnetic frequency can alter the state of physical reality

of

fire

and that the human mind could

burning and

that fixed reality.

alter the "fixed" reality

by changing

ice freezing

The important

its

attitude toward

point, they said, was that there

were no fixed laws where consciousness was concerned. That we could use our power of consciousness energy to manifest positive or negative reality for ourselves.

were responsible Carl

for

our

It

was

all

up

to each individual.

We

reality.

Jung spoke about "primordial images" and "archaic

remnants which were without known origin."

He

we would understand where they come from instead of being astonished and bewildered when they present themselves to our consciousness. "When we do understand," said that one day

he said, "we might be able to control and use this information coming from the past, at will, since it is all part of our memory pattern." J.

Robert Oppenheimer said that the general notions about

human understanding which

are illustrated

physics were not wholly unfamiliar.

Buddhist and Hindu thought, but

we

by discoveries

They had

also in our

own

are finding," he said, "is a refinement of old

always wondered at the

moment

why Oppenheimer quoted

he witnessed the

first

542

a

in

atomic

a history not only in

culture.

Hindu

atomic blast

"What

wisdom." at

I

had

Sanskrit text

White Sands.

Dancing

When

first

I

encountered the concept of what mystics called

the Akashic Records,

my

told by

tually.

had no idea what

I

guides, that

this etheric energy.

I

all

it

meant.

I

read,

and was

experience and thought was "stored" in

had understood intuitively, but not

knew Akasha meant

I

anything

in the Light

ether,

but

how

intellec-

could ether store

.''

Then

I

read Sir

John Woodroffe's Mahamaya: The World as it he defines Akasha as the ulti-

Power, Power as Consciousness. In

mate substance having vibratory movement that

dium

for the transmission of light.

acts as the

me-

Akasha was one of the gross

forces into

which the primordial power (Prakrti-Sakti)

ated

Matter was vibrations within the Akasha. Matter was

itself.

electrical charges of light

trapped in the fabric of space-time.

Sarfatti, the physicist director of the

Jack

differenti-

Physics-Consciousness

Research Group at Esalen Institute in Northern California states

matter

also that

is

nothing but gravitationally trapped light.

The new physics

says that electrical charges of light are

cause thought pictures. Could

it

be that what

the needles were remnants of electrical charges

long ago?

Was

this

knew

particularly

I

left

over from ages

what Jung meant by archaic remnants and

primordial images out of an I

what

was seeing under

I

unknown

past?

was probably being simplistic

my

in

where physics was concerned. But

I

assumptions,

hadn't been the

only one "feeling" the connection of physics and mysticism.

Of

one thing

The path

to

I

was certain, both mentally and intuitively.

understanding the reality of the world without was to

understand the "reality" of the world within.

545

charter i6

I I

woke up

in

the morning.

I

had a dense headache when

knew

I

remnants and primordial images," but them.

I

took a

sunlit patio to

warm do

my

remember any of

couldn't

my

mantras, and went to the

The blood

flushing through the yoga

shower, did yoga.

I

had "dreamt" "archaic

postures would clear the headache. I

it

was now relating even to yoga

because

it

simply made

me

feel

vibrating well-being was the effect.

of peace, emanating,

it

I

had always done

—

kind of steady

differently.

wonderful It

gave

me

a

energy and a sense

seemed, from the blood along

my

spinal

column.

The yogic

tantra tradition maintained that there was unlim-

ited energy locked in the central nervous

spinal

down

system located along the

column of the human body. If it is released, it flows up and way it passes through the seven centers

the spine. Along the

of energy (chakkras) that govern various functions of the body.

343

MacLaine

Shirley

The

chakkras, they say, are the knots of centered energy by which

the soul

connected to the body.

is

With yoga and

proper meditationai techniques, the energy

at

the base of the spine {kundalini energy) can be aroused until

it

moves up through each chakkra dissolving the knots binding the soul until

soul

is

reaches the brain and a feeling of the liberation of the

it

achieved.

In the average person, those seven chakkra energy centers are

closed

"unawakened," allowing only the barest amount of

or

vibrational current necessary for functioning.

The person

is

walled

into himself and sees the outside world from a closed and limited

When

perspective.

more unlimited

When

the chakkra centers are opened, he sees with a

vision.

the seven chakkras are open, you feel an extraordinary

sense of elation.

You

feel

you radiate from within and

that

capable of manifesting anything you desire in your I

are

life.

concentrated more than usual on the yoga today because

I

sensed something extraordinary was going to happen under the influence of the needle stimulation and as possible if that I

had some

were fruit

burned warmly on perspiration. I

didn't

to be as balanced

true.

and

my

toast while

sat in the yard.

I

The sun

skin, the southwestern breeze cooling the

heard the telephone ring inside.

I

want

wanted

I

to talk to anyone.

I

wanted

time or schedules or obligations. Soon

I

I

didn't answer

it.

to just be, not aware of

got in the car and drove

back to Chris's place. The scenery of mountains and mesas was a painting.

When

I

Chris asked

arrived,

nodded, but confessed

I

if

I

had had any dreams.

I

couldn't remember them.

"Try to write them down," she

said,

"as soon as

you

are

consciously aware that you've had one. They are extremely important.

You

are continually learning in the sleep state.

self is teaching

and guiding you. That

546

is

why

sleep

Your higher is

important.

Dancing

You

in the Light

are in touch with the astral plane

astral-plane contact

is

essential

to

all

when you life. The

And

sleep.

the

needs the

soul

contact." I

remembered reading about an experiment conducted over

who

period of time on several people,

a

volunteered to be prevented

from dreaming by being woken up every time dreaming started, for as

long as two weeks, in order that doctors and psychiatrists

could study the effects of dream deprivation. There was no damage to the physical body, but the subjects, in varying degrees,

became

The doctors concluded from the experiment that the subconscious mind needed to express itself during the sleep state. If not, the mind went into extremely agitated, hostile, and heavily hallucinated.

a state

of confused hysteria. Perhaps what was actually happening

was the

from

result of the soul's alienation

astral plane, the

its

natural habitat, the

connection which could only occur while sleeping

unless the individual was using meditational techniques to achieve

the same result.

Perhaps the

while sleeping, was as

astral plane,

common

which we tuned into

a plane of reality to each of us as

the earth plane.

Only the brain-wave

activities

sleep state. There was, as yet, no

the soul, invisible

simply because

it

were measurable during the

way

to

measure the activity of

was energy that functioned on an

and undetectable dimension, something

atomic particles Chris and

I

walked across the yard

me

what was

in store for

sciousness

would be creating another

the sense of

the sub-

like

was learning about.

I

making

it

today.

up,

I

to her clinic.

wondered "reality"

if I

wondered

I

in fact

would

my

see.

con-

Not

in

but more because, as physics and

mysticism claimed, consciousness was the forerunner of everything.

At

least

I

was learning to

obstruct the flow.

I

knew what

I

was beginning to sense was that

let

my mind

had seen was I

547

go. Learning not to real to

was seeing what

me.

my

What

I

conscious-

Shirley

ness had created in the past.

now.

I

I

MacLame

wasn't "seeing" what

was, perhaps, seeing what

I

had

in fact created then.

tuning in to her guides. The cool wafts of

my

around

was creating

on the table while Chris went into her meditation,

lay

I

I

air

passed over and

body again. Soon she brought the needles

and proceeded to

"They

insert

to the table

them.

some new points today," she

say we're going to use

said, "as well as the points

from yesterday."

She inserted the needles into the Third Eye (again the tance), the shoulder points, the ear points,

Along with

and the chest points.

my

that, she inserted a needle in

resis-

stomach,

just

below

the navel.

"This meridian point

is

the center that helps separate the

pure from the impure," said Chris. "The Chinese say that directly

related

to

it

is

the colon on the physical plane because

it

connects with the elimination of impure body waste. But on a psychic level,

connects to the separation of pure energy from

it

impure energy.

It

looks as though we're going to do

some

really

important work today."

She twirled the needle. There was no pain. She stopped a

moment and

meditated.

"Yes," she said, "they're also telling the chin just above the throat. That the

where you express

place

Chinese called

When again.

yourself.

what the ancient

is

there was resistance

"You need

to clear a lot here."

tried.

not going in very far," she said, "but

She twirled

it

lightly.

There was

"breathe light into this needle.

tant that

we

one under

in.

"That's interesting," she said.

said,

It

she inserted the throat needle,

Again she

to insert

'the point that controls crowds.'

The needle wouldn't go

"It's

me

the communication center,

is

use this point today."

348

it

will do."

a dull ache.

It's

"Now,"

she

apparently very impor-

Dancing in

breathed in white light.

I

I

the Light

visualized

pouring

it

in

through

the needle.

Suddenly there was

A

in the colon area again.

stopped up.

my

dense ringing in

a

turned on the tape recorder above

my

dull ache

right ear. Chris

head. She twirled the needle

happened there

my

a dense ringing in

accompanied by

left ear

too.

Then

couldn't hear anything in the room.

I

My

ears

there was

a tingling in the

feet like a sting of electricity.

A

stricture tightened

told Chris

my

throat.

"I see

lay

I

on.''

I

your aura changing color. Your auric

lighting up even brighter than

is

What was going

what was happening.

"Yes," she said, field

up

it

was."

back and breathed very deeply.

fifteen seconds

and exhaled

deep breathing

for

inhaled for about

I

for fifteen seconds.

about three minutes. Then

continued the

I

heard (inside

I

my

head): "Breathe in the color pink." I

visualized a deep, bright pink and

drew

into

it

my

breath.

I

continued to breathe.

"Your

auric field

"Yes,"

I

said,

is

vibrating the color pink," said Chris.

know. Something told

"I

me

to breathe in

pink."

"Okay," I

"Keep going. This might be very exciting."

said Chris.

hardly heard what she said because

contact with what

I

I

felt

myself make

can only describe as some other energy.

very familiar but new.

Then

I

saw the energy.

It

It felt

was an exquisite

coppery color.

"Your

auric field

is

changing color again," said Chris.

rusty copper color. Quite beautiful. It

was an

effort

experiencing took

"Remember

all

me to talk now my concentration.

for

of

What do you

to try to relate to

"It's a

see?"

because what

I

was

both levels of consciousness,"

she said. "Express what you're feeling so you can straddle the two

549

Shirley

MacLaine

and allow whatever will happen to

levels of awareness. Just relax

happen." breathed deeply into the center of myself

I

getting

my

I

but then very

saw the form of a very

ment flowed over

A

a picture

clear. It

tall,

androgynous human being. calmly

Then

psychic balance.

at first diffused,

as

swam

though into

my

were

I

mind,

was absolutely astonishing.

overpoweringly confident, almost

graceful, folded, cream-colored gar-

a figure seven feet tall,

with long arms resting

Even longer fingers extended from the arms.

at its side.

The energy of the form seemed more masculine than feminine to me. The skin of the being was ruddy and its hair was long to the shoulders and auburn colored. The face had high cheekbones and a straight, chiseled nose. The eyes were deep, deep blue and the expression was supremely kind, yet strong.

outstretched welcome.

I

Oriental than Western.

And

extremely protective, It

full

got an Oriental feeling from I

about

you?"

are

nor what to

being smiled "I

am

it

"know" all saw, and what

seemed

it

at

at

I

make

was

what

I

there

to

I

me

asked, hardly daring to hear what

I

felt

"Of course," about. This

is

my

The

self," it said.

this really

crazy.'' I

she said. "This

is

not crazy. This

what you've been looking goodness,"

I

think I'm seeing

my

be happening.'*"

spinning every color of the rainbow.

"Oh,

would

and embraced me!

said loudly, "is this

Could

self.

it

of this kind of dimensional experience.

your higher unlimited

"Chris,"

higher

you

more

it,

it.

"Who say,

in

of patience, yet capable of great wrath.

was flabbergasted

I

arms

had the intuitive feeling that

was simple, but so powerful that

was to know.

raised its

It

It's

for.

is

Your

what

it's all

auric field

is

a celebration."

heard myself say stupidly to

it.

"Are

really there.''" It

smiled again.

"Yes,"

it

said, "I

have always been here.

330

I've

been here with

Dancing

in the Light

you since the beginning of time. you.

I

am

your unlimited soul.

I

am

I

am

away from you.

never

I

am

the unlimited you that guides

and teaches you through each incarnation." "Listen,"

I

"why do you have

said,

a

form and why does

it

look like this?" It

smiled again.

"Because,"

it

body, in any

case.

form without mass. But

you would

if

you could

two arms,

see a head,

myself.

I

could

I

the form of the that the soul

form of

why do you seem

The

legs.

is

a

a soul,

soul

is

the only difference."

be making up such language,

had never consciously even had such

"Well,

is is

and two is

form of an

in the

see the light

a body,

high-frequency light without mass. That

How

me

The form of the soul The only difference

earth-plane dimension.

human

"you need to see

said,

so masculine to

thought to

I

a concept.

me?"

I

asked.

seem more masculine than feminine because I am The energy of the soul is powerful, but it is androgy-

"I only

powerful.

nous. That

is

energy which

to say there is

is

a perfect balance

between the positive

male and the negative energy which

is

female, or

The masculine positive enThe feminine negative energy is

yin (feminine) and yang (masculine).

ergy

is

thrusting and active.

receiving and acceptive. Both are equally necessary to achieve

One

I

heard the words inside

seeing was above me. I

life.

cannot operate without the other."

was receiving than

I I

my

mind. The visualization

seemed more interested was

in questioning the

in the

I

was

information

phenomenon

itself.

Fascinated by the concept of two energies in the same body, asked, "Is

on the

it

a fact that the masculine, positive side of the brain

I

is

left?"

"That

is

correct,"

it

"And the negative, feminine side is You already realize that the left side of

said.

the right side of the brain.

the brain controls the right side of the body and the right side of the brain controls the

left

side of the body."

531

Shirley

"Yes,"

said,

I

MacLaine

remember which

"I

which by reminding

is

myself that the male power structure rules the world and that

most people

whom

and the

ics,

But

vogue and have been

like are in

some thousands of

intuition, feelings, artistic pursuit,

we

the like, very soon. As you know,

which

for

as

mathemat-

that will be balanced by the feminine, right-brained

priorities of receptivity,

age,

such

priorities,

assertiveness, intellectual pursuit, science, organization,

years.

from here

will refer to

I

"And masculine

higher self or H.S.

as

why

are right-handed!"

"Very good," said the being,

on

is

a

is

are

time of feminine energy.

now

and

Aquarian

in the

will be necessary to

It

balance the energies of yin and yang, positive and negative, before

The human

the end of this millennium.

race has

with predominantly only one side of the brain the change

impression that I

But

coming."

is

The image of H.S. stood calm and so.

been operating

for too long.

it

wouldn't assert

window

looked out the

centered.

itself unless /

had the

I

to

do

was swaying

in

motivated

at a tree outside. It

it

the breeze. "Listen,"

ment of

I

said, "if

a tree, could

asked you to help

I

we do

me

stop the move-

it.''"

"Try me," said H.S.

"Okay,"

I

said.

"That

tree outside. Let's stop

"Very well," said H.S. "Feel

Know I

it

that together

we can accomplish anything."

tuned in to

this

melded with

from swaying."

my power become my

energy of

your power.

image of higher

self

and

it.

"Now," movement." "Ask the

it

said,

"ask the tree for permission to control

tree for permission.''"

I

its

asked, suddenly understand-

ing the more refined subtleties of karmic interreaction.

"Why,

certainly," said H.S. "All

balance, and respect for

all

other

5^2

life.

life

must work

in

harmony,

There can be no abuse of

Dancing

Light

in the

power without reaping consequences. You spond to you. You will know how "Trees can

"Of

feel.''"

the natural state of feeling

There

beingness.

just

And

is.

Do you that

is

that

it."

is

The

love.

is

state of love

in its purest sense,

is,

achieved

is

a manifestation of the state of simple

no judgment or morality attached to

which

And

vibrates with feeling.

life

beingness. It

perfect balance.

is

understand.'^"

opened

I

Nature

being.

will hear the tree re-

about

asked.

I

course," said H.S. "All

by simply

feels

it

my

eyes and looked

was impossible to record

it

What was

happening, though,

up

of the two-way conversation.

all

left

at the tape recorder realizing

me

with the certainty that

I'd

never forget one word of this literally ethereal conversation. "Chris.''"

"Not

I

said, "are

you hearing any of this?"

in detail," she said. "I just feel

with your higher unlimited

self.

You

I

an intense communication

should see your aura.

I

for

me

who seemed

to ask permission

from the

myself tune

felt

I

outside.

in to the

had never had

I

a

to be waiting benevolently

tree to stop its

I

movement.

branches and leaves of the tree

problem talking

bushes, even rocks were entities

akin

felt

was

this

a fairy-tale

But

this

my own power something

was

and almost capable

to,

attitude that simply gave

different.

Flowers,

to nature.

now

of conducting a relationship with. However, until

sure.

me

I

had

This was enjoining the question of

in relation to nature.

Abuse of

my power

was not

had thought much about.

I

where

solar plexus,

me

pened.

to stop its I

cate that

felt it

felt

childish plea-

"The tree," directed H.S. "Okay," I answered. I looked out the window and from for

It's

Keep going."

incredibly beautiful. Bright, bright copper color now.

returned to H.S.,

asked.

my

heart feelings lay,

swaying branches.

the tree not only give

would stop

itself in

me

I

An

asked

was

all

right

interesting thing hap-

a "yes,"

harmony with

333

if it

my

but also communi-

my

desire. In other

MacLaine

Shirley

words, the act of requesting permission would enable the tree to manifest what I

I

wanted because

I

both energies

watched through the window.

had shifted the direction of

my

ceased

H.S.

eyes.

me through Of course it

tree

lifted

arms

its

—

window from

the

could

its

and

relation to the laws of cause

looked up at H.S.

"You

gently.

see?"

in

said.

it

branches and looked

the outside.

have been an accident. But as

all

already learned, there was no such thing.

I

utilized.

continued to sway in the

landed lightly on

stock-still. Several birds

in at

would be

could see H.S. even though

The Then as if on cue the tree stopped swaying completely its movement. It was incredible. The tree literally stood

outstretched toward the tree. breeze.

I

All energy

I

had

moves

in

effect.

my

mind. The arms came down

"You did

that.

You

energy for anything. But you need to recognize

can use your

me

in order to

do

it." I

felt

confused and exalted at the same time.

questions, yet they

"Then what "None,"

came down

all

is

the difference between you and

said. "I

it

am God,

because

God.

God is "And you

source.

us and are

we

are

energy

all

We are each aspects of We are all individualized

the same source. part of

I

had so many

to one.

God?" is

I

asked.

plugged

that source.

We

reflections

of the

in to

are all

God

God."

me."

"Precisely."

"Then how did we get separated?

Why

are

we

not

all

one

great unified energy?" "Basically,

we

are.

But individual souls became separated

from the higher vibration

in the process of creating various life

forms. Seduced by the beauty of their

own

creations they

became

entrapped in the physical, losing their connection with Divine

The panic was so severe that it created a you now as good and evil. Karma, that is,

Light. to

5H

battlefield

known

cause and effect,

Dancing

came

into being as a path,

eliminate the

artificial

in the Light

means, a method, to eventually

a

concepts of good and

souls lodged in evolved primates that later

Reincarnation

This

tion.

human

is

karma

as necessary to

is

as

evil.

Eventually, too,

Homo

became

karma

sapiens.

to reincarna-

is

the process which allows each soul to experience every

condition as the path back to

reuniting with the

God

full spirituality

and eventual

force."

"Then does everyone have

a higher unlimited self of their

own ?" "Exactly," said H.S. every other higher

self.

"And each higher

self

is

in

touch with

All unlimited souls resonate in

harmony

with each other. The reason you do not recognize that truth on the earth plane

is

because you are not in touch with the individual

soul energy of your higher selves. But you will get there because

there

is

no other place

to

go

comes from peace on the understanding that we are

to achieve peace. Peace

inside. Peace all

on the outside

on the inside comes from

God."

"So then the conflict in the world

is

basically a spiritual

conflict.'*"

"Exactly.

pretation of

Most of your wars

God. And the wars

values that have replaced

God

nothing but the

God

are being fought over the inter-

that are not, are being fought over as the

Principle. Everything flows

believe that technology, or oil, or society truth.

is

cannot fight and

without violating the

God

kill

my

self

shrugged

a mistake.

is

that.

a free, It

is

is

To

open

not the

over the freedom to worship

God

Principle itself in the process."

"So what will happen to us

Higher

from

money, or even

more important than God

One

highest principle. There

its

then.'*"

shoulders.

I

I

asked. felt it

was

me

shrugging

shoulders.

"You said.

will each have to deal with your

"Your inner

selves in relation to

555

own

knowing

inner selves,"

that you are

it

God.

Shirley

MacLaine

However, the discrepancy comes every other person

God

is

your not understanding that

in

also."

"But down here we believe that people is

God,

as

though we

are people,

from God.

are separate

and

God

mean, almost

I

everybody believes that." "Precisely

what

"You

causing the problem," said H.S.

is

will

continue to be separate from each other until you understand that each of you

you

are

is

the

God

One. You

are

your spiritual development to

Which

source.

is

another way of saying that

having problems with this principle because is

You

not advanced enough.

become masters of your own

souls,

which

is

each need

to say, the realiza-

God."

tion of yourselves as

"But how do we deal with murderers and

fascists

and crimi-

nals in the meantime.''"

"You must expose them souls

is

happy being what they

Rehabilitate

state.

to spiritual principles.

them

Destructiveness

are.

None

is

of these

not a natural

to spiritual values. For example,

you

are

already aware that your prison systems only exacerbate the prob-

lem. Put spiritual understanding in the prisons, not punishment.

By

the way, do you understand what the Bible meant by an eye for

an eye and a tooth

"Well,"

I

for a

said,

"I

tooth?"

thought

it

meant

that if

someone smites

who

takes the eye of

you, you smite them back."

"No,"

said H.S. "It

means that

a person

another will inevitably experience the same trauma. statement, not a statement of punishment.

sow.

It

which

is

You

reap what you effect

administered by the souls themselves, not by the author-

The God no judgment

ity of the

penal code or a government or even by God.

energy

no judge of persons. In

is

involved with

life.

There

is

fact,

there

is

only experience from incarnation to

incarnation until the soul realizes love.

karmic

cosmic law of cause and

a manifestation of the

is

It is a

its

..."

5^6

perfection and that

it is

total

Dancing

There was understand?" I

think

a pause as

in the Light

H.S. waited

including me,

wrapped up

is all

mean, the

I

to respond.

I

"Do you

said, "I understand.

be difficult to communicate.

will

and wrong.

me

asked.

it

sighed to myself. "Oh, yes," it

for

in their

perceptions of right

world

basis for morality in the

is

knowing

and wrong and you're saying there

the difference between right

I

mean, everybody,

I

own

But

is

no such thing." "That

is

The downfall

very clear.

"Go

correct," said H.S.

to

your Bible studies.

It is

of man, symbolized in the story of the

Garden of Eden, was caused by eating the

fruit

from the

tree of

knowledge of good and evil, not simply from the tree of good and

which

evil,

but from

evil.

Until mankind realizes there

is,

in truth,

recognition,

no

evil

—

good and

to say, the creation of

is

is,

in truth,

no good and there

there will be no peace. There

is

only karmic

experience with which to eventually realize that you are each total love.

The recognition of incarnational experience is essential to the When mankind realizes there is no

understanding of this truth. death,

it

will have taken a giant step in understanding the

God

Principle existing in each individual."

"Oh my,"

sighing,

said,

I

"why

is

it

so difficult to love

ourselves, to forgive ourselves, to even believe we're I

mean, how did we get

to be like this?

Do

off

on such

a

wrong

track?

worth

Was

loving.''

it

meant

beings on other planets have the same karmic

problems we have?"

"No,"

said H.S., "not

are trillions of souls

the cosmos. Life exists life.

Much

The

all.

You must understand

with histories pertaining to other spheres

earth

is

not the sole sphere which supports

throughout the cosmos. Some of of

it is

that there

it

is

in

life.

similar to earth

not."

"Well, what happened to the others then?"

"Some

souls have never incarnated, choosing only to oversee

the creation of

life,

evolving

it

from the

557

astral

dimensions. Other

Shirley

MacLame

souls waited until the physical forms

had evolved

to a crystal base

before incarnating. These soul beings never lost touch with their

divine light because crystal makes

it

possible to resonate to a

higher level of divine consciousness."

"Are they more advanced than us

then.-*" I

asked.

more advanced

"In a sense only," said H.S. "They are only

because they are spiritually more sophisticated. They understand the scientific principles of the energy which

They use

force.

is

the spiritual

played intricate roles in the evolution of mankind. But incorrect to say that life is

what you know, or

more advanced than your own

would be unfortunate as

if

human

in

it

God-

and they

their spiritual science to their advantage

would be

sense, as 'extraterrestrial'

terms of soul

experience.

It

souls regarded extraterrestrial life

higher and more advanced than themselves simply because they

traverse the universe. For

you

see,

each soul

is its

own God. You

must never worship anyone

or anything other than

self.

For you are

God. To love

God. Actually some of the

extraterres-

trial

self

is

to love

beings, as advanced as they are, feel less love for self and the

God-force than certain humans. So you to

see, it

compare the progress of the evolution of

part of

God and

progressing according to

would be

souls.

its

own

incorrect

Every soul pace,

its

is

own

its own karma, extraterrestrial or earth plane." "Do you mean that our karmic earth-plane lesson

requirements, and I

hesitated.

has to do with being patient.-'"

"One of our

lessons

is

patience, yes. Impatience caused us to

become seduced by the pleasure and earth plane originally. But

God. is

It

sensuality of the material

souls are

on the path back

to

has obviously been a long and arduous process, but there

progress."

My mind "So we,

tumbled.

as souls,

have devoted ourselves to evolving

this earth so that ultimately all

human

we

will realize once again that

part of God.-*"

5^8

life

on

we

are

Dancing

"That

is

Again,

1

correct," said H.S., smiling.

had

to

m

remind myself that

actually teaching myself. "So,"

and the evolutionists developed.''"

in the Light

went on, "then both the

I

correct

are

theories

their

in

was beginning to understand

I

circumstance

this

this

was

I

creationists

how

of

life

connection for the

time.

first

"That

is

"Although both have missed the

correct," said H.S.

point of the role the soul played. The creationists believe that 'God' was responsible for creating ists

stood that the soul of mankind

We

all life

instantly.

don't recognize the role of the soul at

own

are our

creators.

We,

is

all.

responsible for

as souls,

evolved

The evolution-

Neither has underits

own

destiny.

working within

life,

When we fell out of the flow of we experienced panic for the first time. The negativity, which we have been contending with ever

the cosmic laws of the God-spirit.

those natural laws, fear created

since."

There was so much real sense

of overload, yet

"Have patience," lar

me

for

felt

I

said

to deal

H.S. "Patience

learning tasks in this incarnation.

what

really

is

created me.

No

ecstatic as this

I

I

is

began to

feel a

one of your particu-

You know

important to your growth

me. You know, now, that

'seen'

with that

needed to know more immediately.

I

I

For now,

you have

that

is

exist.

that.

finally

created you as you

relationship you will ever have or ever had

is

as

knowledge. Nothing can compare to knowing the

unlimitedness of yourself. Whatever you need, you have only to ask.

That

is

what was meant by

Tears came into

mind.

I

moved my

wouldn't continue to

my

eyes.

legs

to

I

'ask

and you will

receive.'

couldn't answer, not even in

focus

on their

stiffness

so

my

that

I

cry.

"Tears are necessary," H.S. said. "For every tear you shed

adds time to this great deal.

You

feelings. Release

life.

You,

as a

human

soul, have

have seen only some of

them. That

is

it.

Do

the purpose here.

559

been through a not repress the

To

cry

is

to have

MacLaine

Shirley

The energy required

a liberating tonic.

body and

strain in the

conflict if

you

release

in the spirit.

your feelings. Life

how you

be judgmental of

With

understand.

become more and more

Remain

clear.

good. Remember, where there

itself.

what you do not

in flow

and God. All happens

self

harm. Resistance creates back on

for expression, so don't

intuitive understanding

the quickening of your soul, understanding will

doing so you help your

is

is

Use your

feel.

externally and don't agonize over

to express

ful

to repress feelings causes

Let go. There will be no

is

no

for the

resistance,

conflict. It causes the

What you

with me,

for in

purpose-

there

is

have just recognized and connected with

the tapestry of interwoven energy which was blocked from

Do you know the meaning of much less answer.

original source. I

no

energy flow to turn

its

evil?"

couldn't even think,

H.S. went on. "Evil

is

nothing but energy flowing backward

rather than forward. Spell your

The etymology

of words

is

live

backward and you have

not accidental. All

life is a

evil.

question of

energy." I

stopped crying.

I'd

never heard evil defined in this

way

before.

"You

H.S. was saying. "If you allow

are the energy flow,"

any resistance to the flow of energy, you create polarity. Polarity creates

Conflict creates dis-aster,

conflict.

which

is

the

nearly

astral, God source. You have just Open your resistance. Allow your energy to flow God source. You will be protected because you will be

complete disassociation from the understood that.

back to the

aligned with

I

lay

me

and

I

am

part of

on the table trying

realizing at the

same time

to

that

I

God."

comprehend what had happened, understood perfectly. But to live

in this

understanding would mean taking complete responsibility

for the

knowledge.

560

Dancing

me

Chris handed of

a tissue.

in the Light

She had remained silent during

all

it.

think

"I

I

need to get up,"

I

said.

"Yes," she answered, "I think there

anything

is I

closed

else

my

so.

But ask your higher

self if

you need to take home with you."

eyes once again and looked up,

knowing

that

I

had reached overload.

"Only one more point," specific

work

need to

will be

come. Specifics that

in the days to

doing more your

relate to

life

is

eating moderately; vegetables, fruit, and water.

Engage

products.

Do

yoga.

"We

much you need to understand and confront. You keep your channel to me clear. Therefore I would recom-

today. There

mend

said.

it

No

harmonious movement, such

in only

as

dairy

your

not concern yourself with schedules, time, or telephones.

Be with nature. Pay

little

attention to linear information. Breathe

deeply to keep the channel open. Stay away from vexing people

and remember that I

I

am

"One more

point,"

never used drugs. This I

with you always.

/

am

you."

nodded.

is

it

said.

"My compliments

that you have

an important reason for your progress."

found myself laughmg. "With the spectacle

I've just wit-

nessed, no drug could compete."

"That

is

certainly true," H.S. said,

had had enough

Chris helped

got most of I

my

it

me

off the table. "Spectacular," she said.

on the recorder. The

could hardly walk.

legs.

I

and together we knew

I

for the day.

My

rest you'll

back ached and

I

had no mobility

headed immediately to the bathroom.

thing earth plane and familiar under me! splashed water on

my

face.

I

I

"We

never forget."

I

blew

in

needed some-

my

nose and

walked back into the room, half

expecting to see Chris's healing entities in body form.

561

MacLaine

Shirley

Chris was lying on the floor on her back,

her stomach

protruding high above the rug under her.

"Does

this

happen often?"

Do many

happened.

I

asked. "1 mean, you heard

what

people have this experience?"

She smiled. "Many, many, many," she answered. "And when each person experiences the higher self the conversations are almost identical.

The

as evil or

good. There

That

lessons are always the same. 'There is

the great truth.

is

problem. That

is

is

no such thing

only enlightened awareness or ignorance.'

Judgment

what causes

of ourselves and others

fear, conflict, resistance,

our

is

and despair."

"Are people shocked by what they hear their own higher

them?"

selves tell

"Many

I

asked.

are," answered Chris.

"Because

they've been conditioned to believe.

causes

them

However

what they

to understand that

it

goes against what the shock

what

is

are experiencing

real

is

rather than 'made up.'

"And what about some for

of the pictures

I

saw; like Atlantis,

example?"

"They

are the

colors of pink crystal

same with everyone. They describe subdued

and violet and orange hues with fountains and

structures and

Atlantis

many people wearing

always described the same way, even by people

is

never were aware they believed

awareness

Our

task

crystal headdresses.

is is

everything. to

it

existed. So

The higher

self

become consciously aware

is

you

see,

who

conscious

aware of everything.

in this

dimension so we

can integrate our awareness into our lives."

"So you're not surprised by anything Chris smiled. "Not at

all.

It is

I

truth.

experienced today?"

And

I've

heard

it

all

before." I sighed deeply and slowly bent down to pick up my shoes. They weighed a ton. I sat down on the chair and dressed as though it were a new experience. The material of my blouse had a new textured meaning against my skin. I felt weightless and longed for

362

Dancing

in the Light

the sun and fresh air outside.

anything organic and ahve.

tinghng

my

in

hands and

head was clear and open. I

hungry!

1

knew

with

hot

felt

I

alert as I'd

My

When

never been.

spoke,

I

my

voice

There was heat

less anxiety.

in

the kundalini energy was rising.

slowly walked outside as

I

flowers,

was famished.

Hke an electronic pulsation.

feet

richer, lower in tone,

lower spine where

to touch earth, I

was drowsy, yet

self-contained and autonomous.

felt

sounded

my

I

wanted

I

And

if

I

flowers in Chris's greenhouse were

were on

air.

The

colors of the

shimmering vibrantly

in the

sunlight. felt

I

them

as I

that

I

could dip into the vibrations of their colors and enjoy

mine.

looked

was

I

my

at

in

me

everything around

My

watch. The time didn't even register.

in

saw

I

mathematical perfection. Everything

time on the table was meant to happen. Everything

was meant to happen. There was

A

felt

I

the past and present at the same time.

I'd

a reason for everything.

perfect, gigantic puzzle of perfection

and each

fit.

"seen"

A

plan.

live entity

on

earth was a precious part of the puzzle. Life itself seemed only

symbolic of the soul,

which would never

And And

as

though

it

were only thought essence

cease, never die. Life

everything was energy.

Vibrating,

was God once removed. pulsating,

vital

energy.

that energy was love energy expressing itself in millions of

ways until I

it

grasped

feelings

and

understood the totality of

finally at

words that would express

for the first time,

true translators of

itself.

my

God. William Blake's famous poem came

mind:

To

see a

And Hold

And

thoughts and

understood that poets were the

I

a

world

heaven

in a grain of in a

sand

wild fiower.

infinity in the

palm of your hand

eternity in an hour.

565

to

Ck voter q

T.

hat night

a sleeping

bag under the

said that the soul stars if there

we mapped though

I

time, but

because she

it

my

sleep

was deeper and the

were being taught

rest

more profound,

I

in

slept less

experimented with connecting to

I

had misplaced something,

was always guided

I

sleep, not the quantity.

higher self without the use of Chris's needles.

I

as

night, and the contact with the

all

was the quality of the

every time. If

And

movements, we learned.

The following morning,

was.

it

the celestial navigation of the

plane inspired peace and a sense of well-being.

astral

my

map

no roof obstructing the view of the heavens.

their

found that

I

as

is

slept outside in

Chris had suggested

stars.

and brain

I

I

It

was there

asked H.S. where

the right direction.

It

it

was never

wrong. I

asked H.S. what to

eat,

who was on

the other end of a

ringing telephone, what direction an address might be.

36^

It

was

MacLaine

Shirley

how correct the answers were. I wondered how long it The answer came: "As long as you can find me, you

astonishing

would

last.

can find anything."

And

so

my

concern that

experience evaporated.

It

had never had a

I

had always bothered

really "revelatory"

me

that

I

seemed

to

be progressing slowly and surely, but without any major revela-

Not

tion.

so anymore.

Getting nary event,

touch with

in

a

of

unlimited soul was an extraordi-

milestone in growth and understanding and an

me

experience that flooded

coming of age

discovery to

my

me

with

me. Yet

for

joy.

I

felt

that this

anyone

if

about themselves,

guess

I

had related that

else I

was some kind

would have thought

they were "dreaming." I,

had

at least,

framework from which

a

On

had happened to me. about

how

the time

I

I

I

could view what

the drive to Chris's place

had been pursuing

a search of

my own

I

thought

identity from

was very small, and how the process of search would

proceed from this point. The teachings of the Bible, the Mahabarata, the Koran, and

the other spiritual books that

all

I

had tried to

understand flooded back to me: The Kingdom of Heaven

Know

you.

true; to

thyself

know

self

to

is

you are the universe. thing.

and

.

.

that will

know .

all;

The

They had each taught before, but

know

free;

thine

that you are

that the soul

many

to

had is

is

within

own

self be

God; know that

all

said the

eternal.

same

They had

times before, even Christ: "I

you didn't recognize me." They had each taught

that the purpose of

Source of which

you

spiritual masters

each alluded to having lived

came

set

life

was to work one's way back to the Divine

we were

all

a part.

And

the karmic events that

we

encountered along the way were only to be experienced and understood

—

never to be judged.

Each of the great books had

warned against judgment, against the moral trap of good versus evil. all

The laws of cause and

their

teachings: Judge

effect

were the underlying principles of

and you

366

will be judged; hurt

and you

in the Light

Dancing

will

hurt:

be

given

love

and you

will

he

loved;

give

and you

will

They taught that circumstances never mattered.

to.

were only the

field

be

They

on which our truth was played out.

Yet here we were

in a

world where everyone was engaged

in

some process of moral judgment. Each person or group believing that their morality was the true word of God, blind to the cosmic harmony that every point of view served the purposeful good in the long run. I saw how we were viewing the destiny of mankind and our individual selves from a limited perspective. From a short-run perspective.

our

own

We

were not seeing the entire

forest;

we

focused on

individual trees.

immediacy of each individual's trauma, the seeming tragedy would be eliminated if we went into the eternal nature Yet

in the

of our selves and understood that nothing then can be "tragic."

wrong. Nothing

Nothing

is

nothing.

We

were each an eternal universe unto ourselves.

realize the transcendent

I

wasted, and nothing ever dies

is

wonder of

thought again about

that truth

energy.

It

was

all

And

to

that mattered.

seemed that through the

examination of energy, science and spirituality would eventually have to meet. They were two different approaches to the same truth.

Each spoke of energy

as

together. Spirituality accepted to prove

without

it.

Spirit

was

faith

its

the glue that held the universe existence and science attempted

without science. Science was proof

faith.

The

spiritual

approach to universal truths and harmony

al-

ways recognized the unseen dimensions from within consciousness.

The

scientific

approach recognized those same dimensions from

without. Yet the

new

science was close to saying they were the

same. That consciousness was everything. Both aspects were necessary for

human

utilization.

Unless

we could put

understanding to use, what power could they have

561

these tools of for

us.''

MacLame

Shirley

As both

my

drove and reflected on

I

male and

as a

live life as a

as a female,

I

having experienced lifetimes

wondered why

I

had chosen to

female this time around. There had been such focus

on the feminine energy of the modern world. The women's tion

movement, the

and the feminine attitudes toward

of political power,

process

libera-

female in the decision-making

role of the

relaxing tension in the world in order to avoid the annihilation of civilization.

Why

had

the feminine,

I

chosen to express myself through the energy of

the yin energy?

Then

I

thought the yin energy

The masculine yang energy intuitive. The yang is powerful.

manifests predominantly from within. manifests from without.

The

yin

is

The yin energy also the holder of the unseen, the nondimensional. The yang is the unseen expressed in the seen. The yang is the active energy. Once yin energy is expressed from unseen to seen, it becomes yang energy. Thus women who express is

their yin energy are expressing in a

yang manner.

goes within to contemplate the unseen, he

is

When

a

man

utilizing his yin

energy. Both are necessary.

To

be perfectly balanced,

didn't

each individual need to

equally recognize both energies within their given

balanced peace in the world,

it

body.'^

seemed necessary

To have

a

to have a bal-

anced peace in the individual, which meant the recognition of equally expressed yin energy from within, and yang energy from

without.

wondered why

I

until

I

remembered

expressed

all

the prophets and masters had been

that the prophets were manifestors.

The female held

externally.

unseen, the cosmic secrets, so to speak.

the

men,

They had

knowledge of the

The male always used

the

female as his internal support system, his intuitive counselor. Each

was necessary to the other. The female held the unseen truth of what

to do.

We

The male

were now

activated the

in the

power of how

to

do

it.

Aquarian age, which was the feminine

368

Dancing

age of expression. More

own power

into

men were endeavoring to understand their women were endeavoring to express

and more

intuitive capacities their

We

externally.

harmony the seen and Scientists

in the Light

seemed

to be striving to bring

the unseen.

were striving

same balanced

for the

principle, "sens-

ing" more and more "unseen" elements that could not really be

The same

Their existence could only be accepted.

measured.

acceptance was becoming true of the unseen energies of yin and

They were

yang.

clearly

They were

immeasurable.

just

there,

What was true in experiential human terms.

scien-

energies with nondimensional perimeters. tific

terms could also be true in If,

then

as science says,

which

life,

is

energy never dies,

it

merely changes form,

also energy, never dies. It, too,

form. Since energy

never

is

still,

merely changes

because nothing remains inert,

then energy must continually have a changing form. There was no

doubt

my mind

in

that the

from lifetime to lifetime,

life

energy simply changed

just as nature

Yet the only way any of

it

made

did from

sense was

its

form

spring to spring.

when

it

related to

own personal experience. If you hadn't felt it, you couldn't know it. Knowledge was experience. Even Einstein, toward the

our

claimed "that propositions arrived

end of

his life,

logical

means were completely empty of

say,

"It

entirely without

it.

I

by purely

He went on to anyone who

reality."

very difficult to explain this feeling

is

at

maintain that cosmic religious feeling

to is is

the strongest and noblest incitement to scientific research." I

calm

drove in the brilliantly clear Santa Fe morning,

The journey within was

joy.

traveling

I

had ever experienced.

the most

And

filled

fulfilling

with

of any

the specifics were only

beginning.

In contrast to the dramatic intensity and revelation of the

previous day,

my

next experience with Chris and H.S. was sheer

369

Shirley

delight. I

MacLame

could have been a child's fairy

It

While on the

tale.

stretched out this recall for nearly five hours.

why my after

higher self had guided

me

I

table,

didn't understand

to experience

it

again until

was over.

it

This

what happened.

is

Chris had been guided to insert the gold needles under

my

chin, just above

"controlled crowds."

The unusual

I

throat. I

The same communication points

saw why

as the pictures unfolded.

image that was guided

first

had trouble with

its

my that

to

meaning.

my I

consciousness was so

saw myself with

a herd

of elephants in the bush jungles of the subcontinent of India.

Green

foliage surrounded clear green-blue water.

It

was

period thousands of years ago. As the images progressed, sciously questioned

my

time

a I

con-

higher self to guide the meaning of what

I

was seeing.

I

was living with the elephants. Immediately

I

under-

stood that

could communicate with them telepathically.

I

was so

I

well acquainted with their habits and feelings that on

they obeyed me.

I

painted with tree bark that

with water.

I

had crushed, powdered, and mixed

wore a bright-colored pantalon wrap of some kind

I

my

and around

command

was about twelve years old with dark eyes

arms and neck hung bracelets and necklaces of

a

brightly colored metallic material.

The elephants and

I

were playing a game

from dense, thick jungle surroundings spotted with watering holes of

command

they would pass

still,

me from

as

we moved slowly

to open,

clear blue

rolling

water.

where

I

would

stay until

times they would gently tossing

me

elephants.

in I

roll

On my

one trunk to another while

laughed with delight. Sometimes one would swing tree

plains

me up

I

into a

was retrieved by another. Some-

I

me

over in the soft

mud

before

the water to get cool and clean with the baby

was

totally carefree

phants and they of me. They

and

lifted

570

totally trusting of the ele-

me up

with their trunks and

Dancing

in the Light

trumpeted to one another, shouting the next command of the

game.

Whenever I wished to take charge of the play, I would communicate what I wanted telepathically. They responded immeSometimes they

diately.

peting their joy

all

being

in

communication on both

me

galloped for alive.

a collective

trum-

in vast circles,

power of

the exquisite

felt

I

and individual

was an

basis. It

astonishing sensation of playfully benevolent power. I

My

I'd

It said that

situation. father.

how

asked H.S.

He

come

bull elephant sensed

my

my

me

took

elephant

my

father's

a result

life as

was

over me.

perception of both animals and I

He

had

The

bull

to a

cow

kindness and responded in kind.

I

was a

me

but

fragile infant

felt comfortable with these great, gentle creatures.

we know now. So

my

in danger.

the village.

to the herd and protected me, handing

who watched

with

danger (the specifics of the danger

me away from

weren't evident) and scooped

remembered

Rudyard Kipling

in a nearby village

to the bull elephant of the herd.

had once been kind

father had since died and

The

to be in this

had lived

I

The

I

always

level of

humans was keener then than what

had grown up with the elephants, visiting the

village once in a while to eat

cooked food and enjoy the company

of humans.

My

higher self identified

my name

as

Asana.

My

relationship

with the elephant herd had become legendary throughout the countryside. I became known as the princess of the elephants and could communicate with a given elephant hundreds of miles away.

on all

On another level, my fascination with over my apartment

that

I

and

midst of the

elephants today. in

New York

I

had never understood why

I

could remember,

I

I

recall,

I

reflected

had pictures of elephants

and many wooden elephants

had brought back from India strode across

I

I

in the

my

mantelpiece.

was so drawn to elephants. As

had never even met

had seen a painting in a

museum

571

far as

one.

of an old bull elephant

MacLaine

Shirley

preparing to die alone

among

the trees in the Indian countryside

and had stood before the painting sobbing to myself.

When

understood that either. Street,

was not

I

in the least apprehensive.

Years before

I

never

I

rode the elephant on Fifty-first

I

I

felt

had purchased a whole

I

knew

her.

of National

series

Geographic pictures of elephants depicting the love and affection

they showed for one another. walls and never understood

Suddenly

As

I

lived

my

I

why

had plastered them I

all

my

had been so moved.

love for elephants was beginning to

and played among these gentle giants,

radiate an understanding of

over

what they were

feeling.

make I I

sense.

myself

felt

knew each

one individually and respected each one's pecking order in the herd.

presided over the births of the young, and

I

friends injured herself,

I

used more sophisticated

if

one of

human

my

healing

techniques to nurse her back to health.

The elephants became

my army

really

nothing to protect.

humorous

life.

and down

my

We

commanding Though there was

of protectors,

the attention of everyone in the countryside.

led a free, harmonious,

The elephants loved

to

push

my

sometimes

wrist bangles

up

arms with their trunks. They enjoyed the delicate

movements and

the sounds the bangles

made when they clanked

against one another.

Whenever I commanded them to take me to the village, they encircled the community until I returned to the wilds with them. Sometimes I brought young children to play with us. The elephants were gentle and playful. They tossed the children the same way they tossed me. Sometimes a child was frightened and cried. The elephants didn't understand. They had never heard or seen me cry.

Then an event occurred

in the village

which was a learning

experience for everyone involved, including the elephants.

whom I

cried

I

A

friend

loved was killed in an argument. Shocked and miserable,

and

cried,

screaming and wailing with the all-out grief of

572

Dancing

which children

My

capable.

are

in the Light

were confusing and

hysterics

From my mind pictures, they underThe male elephants in the herd wanted

distressing to the elephants.

who

stood

revenge.

alarmed, males.

It

the culprit was.

my

Their anger on

communicated

I

would only

behalf got

me

through to

and,

to the females that they should stop the

more

lead to

slaughter. Together

we

per-

suaded the males to refrain from violence. The males agreed but not until they thundered through the village, trumpeting, and deliberately encircled the dwelling of the friend.

The man was

terrified.

what he had done. Yet he

also

He

man who had

killed

my

understood the elephants knew

understood that they were control-

ling their vengeful instincts.

The other

villagers

with reverence. They,

homes with very

watched the behavior of the elephants

too,

little effort.

knew

the herd could

their

flatten

Instead a covenant was established

between the elephants of the countryside and the humans

in the

village.

The elephants commanded among the humans themselves, or the entire village.

It

that

no violence should occur

the herd

would stampede through

thus became necessary for each villager to

maintain peaceful coexistence with

all his

neighbors. As a result,

the level of peace-keeping consciousness rose in the village, peace-

keeping became something to be worked

at,

with disputes being

talked out rather than fought over, and with the elephants as the

The communication among the people imhumans and animals. The people of the countryside came to revere the example of

spiritual

monitors.

proved, as well as the communication between

the great, gentle pachyderms, while recognizing their

vience to power. peace.

The

A

villagers

own

subser-

delicate balance of understanding kept the

knew

that each

was responsible

level of awareness of every other individual

in the

for the

community.

Collectively they were only as strong as their weakest link.

the elephants always sensed

who was 575

high

And

the weakest link and sur-

Shirley

MacLaine

rounded that person with patient warnings. They could perceive

human being quicker than the humans They would point out which human was liable to cause trouble and I would talk to him, explaining once again the consequences to the community should he continue down the path negative vibrations in a themselves.

of negativity.

As

I

continued to

much with

not so

live

with the elephants,

their talent for reasoning as with their talent for

moment. They flowed with

the power of being, of living in the life,

was fascinated

I

living day by day completely for

forgetting the past.

what

it

offered, but never

The elephants understood

the energy of the

moonlight and the meaning of each dawn. Together we held festive celebrations outside the village nies.

I

during nighttime ceremo-

taught them to dance and they loved to perform for the

appreciation of the villagers.

As the

recall progressed,

I

my

asked

higher self

why

I

had

been able to empathize so completely with the great creatures. H.S. said that

this lifetime

had been crucial

for

me

and so

communicating on

a

collective level while respecting each individual in the process.

I

pleasant because

I

had mastered the

art of

had learned the lesson of democracy, which required individual

empathy with the com-

respect in a collective environment, and

plication of

human

intelligence.

I

had not yet manifested that

understanding in this incarnation, but

memory

of what

I

had accomplished

if I

would draw on the

in the past,

again to that understanding this time around. sary for

me

nature

was being shown

I

insignificantly

standing

would evolve

would be neces-

It

to accomplish that understanding in the days to

and that was why

Not

I

I

was

through

this particular incarnation.

also to relearn the

animals.

come

They

importance of under-

were

completely

without

judgment and an example of what humans needed to evolve toward in that respect.

The elephants were

ting," which was necessary for

me 574

also

symbols of "never forget-

to understand

with regard to

Dancing

"We must

humans.

our memories

always remember," H.S. said, "that locked in

the

is

in the Light

knowledge that we have never forgotten

anything either.

"We humans

should never forget our capacity to connect

the collective spirit of animals. Their energy

with

is

essential to

our future growth. The animals are on the earth for a reason and our disrespect for them has become alarming. They are totally

without ego. Animals would teach us

if

we would

listen. Pulsat-

ing in their collective consciousness are the lessons of the past.

They cate

dumb

are

on other

and unable to speak

levels,

which

for a reason.

are there to help us

They communi-

hone our

levels of

perception with nature."

As

from

this delightful recall receded

minded again of

its

my

mind,

I

was

underlying theme. Respect the quality of

relife,

the unquestioning acceptance of living with nature and animals

while pursuing a sensitive progression of intelligence.

understanding the will of the collective majority,

And

while

be intricately

aware of the needs of the individual. I

breathed a sigh of completion

when

it

was over, because

I

understood.

An addendum risk of

to this tale

worth mentioning, even

is

at the

sounding completely outrageous.

First,

me

let

say that

I

was learning that the theme of each

more important to understand than the specific incarnation itself. The theme of the elephant-princess incarnation, for example, had been the coexistence of the collective in tandem incarnation was

with the individual. spiritual

level

instrumental in

humans

I

had mastered

it

on an emotional and

where animals were concerned.

my

learning

it

so that

I

They had been

could have an effect on the

in the village.

But

as this particular recall

was unfolding, another lifetime

375

MacLaine

Shirley

swam for

in

me

and out of

This I

my

to regard the is

what

I

consciousness, as though

two

in relation to the

were important

"saw."

saw myself involved with the sociopolitical questions of the

Founding Fathers of the United

When

asked H.S. who

I

"It doesn't matter.

said,

it

same theme.

You had an

important.

States.

had been during that lifetime,

I

The theme of democracy

is

what was

incarnation during the writing of the

Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.

You were

volved, as were many, with the establishment of the

New

in-

Spiritual

Republic of the United States, and along with many others

who

you were deeply involved with the question of majority

lived then, rule

it

and respect

You drew on your memory remembered same theme. You see how the holo-

for the rights of the individual.

lifetime with the elephants because your soul

your accomplishment of the graphic picture works.'*"

Yes,

could see

I

it,

but

seemed outrageous

it

to connect the

two.

"Nothing

is

when

outrageous

it

comes

to the learning of life

themes," said H.S., "because the soul learns in many ways.

must

learn to decipher

ence.

You

what the lessons

will find yourself repeating the

You

are in each given experi-

same themes

in different

circumstances each time until you complete the understanding.

That

is

what you did

same theme again

theme of

as the

collective

And you

here.

will be confronted

with the

United States continues to deal with

and individual rights in the

future.

its

This

country exemplifies the highest understanding of this theme to date, but there I

is still

much

was beginning to

And

so

I

see the point.

have no idea

who

the Founding Fathers' days. sociological

had moved

meaning of what

me

work out."

to

deeply during

1

I

was or what

only

know

I

was doing during

that the spiritual

they attempted to establish in

my

and

1776

school years and does even today.

376

Dancing

My

political

in the

Light

activism in this lifetime has been motivated by a

desire to see a return to their original intent.

Our

founders were spiritually inspired

men and women

seek-

ing escape from the political and religious oppression of Europe. In the personal

background of each one was back

mystical truths relating as

far

desired to spiritualize their

New

as

a recognition of the

Pharaonic Egypt.

They

Republic and used ancient sym-

They designed the dollar the back, and the Third Pyramid of Giza on with the Great

bols to express the roots of their beliefs. bill

Eye above

it.

They were day,

it

seemed

spiritually aware, to

me

and

in

terms of leadership to-

essential that leaders also have a spiritual

support system which would keep them in touch with the recognition of their

own

higher knowledge in order to propel society

toward a peaceful world.

511

Crnvtcr i8

In shown

incarnation that was

meaning I

needed

I

in order to

was shown more than

say that

realized

I

happy and

I

I

still

a

theme and

understand myself more fully today.

could possibly relate here. Suffice if

I

it

to

were to be

my coming into for me to clear up

was now an urgent need

my

awareness of unseen dimensions,

I

to clear out the emotional residue of trigger points

bothered me.

was obvious to

intellectual reality

worlds. Nothing failed

it

was coming to a point where,

incarnation and to expand

It

carried with

unresolved conflicts. In order to continue to grow in this

would need that

me

effective in fulfilling the reasons for

this incarnation, there

my own

to

the days that followed, each

me

that people

were becoming

made

who

less

operated only from an

and

"intellectual" sense

less

at ease

anymore and,

in their as reason

them, they were becoming bitter and cynical.

Our

battles

and

conflicts

were not with governments or with

379

Shirley

MacLaine

our culture or society. They were with ourselves. But

I

began

to

nothing would really threaten us if we were aware of who we were and what we came from. The more we quickened our soul's awareness, the less we would be polarized by authority and see that

fear.

Higher

self

explained that

many

on the

souls

astral

plane

were waiting to come into the earth-plane dimension so that they could proceed toward working out their karma. That was in the

body was

astral plane.

It

Karma was

so highly valued.

why

life

not resolved on the

could only occur on the plane of experience, the

physical plane of mass

—

the earth.

H.S. said that each soul knows the light of understanding even

if it

it

come

into

hundred

life-

will eventually

takes several

times to complete one theme. Life

was not about

survival.

It

was about spiritual evolve-

ment. To operate with survival instincts alone, one had to polarize against something.

To

operate with instincts of evolvement meant

there was no conflict because there was no resistance.

we proceeded with the knowing awareness that we elect to have each experience, we then approached trauma from an exIf

panded consciousness.

When

our conscious awareness was ex-

panded, we came into a more perfect alignment with the Divine Source and the trauma disappeared. Tragedy perceive it as such.

is

tragedy because

blindness, not understanding what the purpose

We are

we

Thus we remain on the treadmill of negative is,

not learning.

judging our predicament and polarizing our energy flow

at

the same time. Survival implies struggling against. Evolvement implies

bracing the flow. Since

all

energy flows to the

God

em-

source, the

alignment induces peace and perfection.

The nourishment and sustenance of

God

source, not the earth source. There

580

the soul comes from the

is

no loneliness of conflict

Dancing

when one true

in the Light

aligned with that energy because one

is

is

aligned with

self.

Each event happens according to what

necessary for the

is

soul to learn.

The days unfolded like budding flowers as I experienced and understood more and more. And as each session impacted on my conscious mind, I understood that most of the lifetimes shown to

me

represented

my

power.

lack of use of spiritual

had been many completion incarnations, but to

Of

course, there

them wouldn't

see

have been useful. The conflict had already been resolved. in the

completion incarnations

whatever

was

it

had come

I

I

And

even

had only completed one aspect of complete, only an aspect of a

in to

wider spectrum of karmic resolution.

Of

one thing

I

was

certain.

What

wasn't unhappy or disturbed by what least.

As

matter of

a

fact,

my

standing to realize that

had preceded be again.

It

that

it,

made

it

was

I

was doing

I

I

in the

kind of liberation of under-

a

today was a result of the lives that

life

was the product of many

I

lives

There was a harmony to that

sense.

felt right.

was learning. Not

—

and would

—

a purpose

kind of cosmic justice which served to explain everything in life

—both

positive and negative.

Perhaps

I

was searching out more

than most people. Perhaps even those

doing would prefer to know

was

safer to

pay

becoming too

own

less

about past

lip service to the

Maybe

specific.

Once

I

my

past lives

lives

than

I.

I

was

Perhaps

it

theory while refraining from

to others

personal investigation. But that was

of doing things.

details in

who understood what

I

in my my way

was too vigorous

my

truth. It

was curious about anything,

was I

overturned

every rock on the path.

To

those

who would

too convenient,

I

insist that

could only say that

581

my it

cosmic-justice theory was

made

just as

much

sense as

To

flailing at the world.

thing

harmony

as

Shirley

MacLatne

those

who would

or purposeful good,

insist there is

no such

could only suggest that

I

they weren't looking at the grander picture. All of

meaning pened

for a reason.

events.

was

Life

in nature

like nature.

was

The beauty was

in the

tied to a chain of interdependent

I would allow myself the freedom of considering any truth might be hidden, yet nevertheless real.

it

The

go.

felt

I

truth

regardless of where

my

without judgment. Everything hap-

it

was pursuing a curiosity of the chain of interdependence.

I

So whenever let

sad spectacles and glorious triumphs, had

its

one observed

and every event

being

that

both

life,

if

higher

on how

reflecting

my

prior to I

skepticism about

search,

I

decided to trust what

I

learned what that meant

I

had been living

I

my

learned to

was seeking was more important to me,

took me.

it

As

self.

I

my

life

I

felt

was

found myself

I

in this incarnation

spiritual understanding.

had so often been anxious about time schedules, promises

had made, responsibility, and pleasing others. been so busy that

I

never accomplish

felt I'd

all

My that

life

wanted

I

I

had often to or

Somehow I had retime. With the release

that was necessary. That had changed now. laxed, trusting that there

of that anxiety the present

— no

would indeed be

had suddenly discovered

I

longer calculating

was living

I

how much time

to devote to the next problem, nor regretting

what was

to

spiritual it

past.

power

I

Now

was what mattered. As

found that

I

had more

was void of anxiety. Therefore

period of time.

It

life

was occurring

as a result

anything

As

I

I

my

for a

I

felt

clarity of

I

I

would have

had not given I

trusted

my

thought because

accomplished more in a shorter

I

was astonishing to

from anxiety worked. Since

my

what

totally in

me how

the spiritual freedom

that everything that occurred in

good reason

lack of resistance enabled

I

just let things flow.

me

And

to manifest just about

desired.

worked day

after

day with Chris and her acupuncture

582

Dancing

go into an altered

needles, I'd

was simultaneously aware of

My which

in the Light

even though

state of consciousness

my

higher self conducted incarnational scans and isolated

lifetimes

was necessary

it

for

me

to relate to.

Often

H.S. would stop-frame an incarnation in time and show picture of an aspect of

it.

I

was dancing

in

a

a

understood the emotional reasons

I

them. The lifetimes often came up

for seeing

me

couldn't always understand what the

somehow

pictures meant, but

saw

I

one image tumbling over another. Then

overlapping pictures,

I

I

conscious state.

movable paintings.

as

harem, attempting to spiritualize the

movement. I

was a Spanish infant wearing diamond earrings, and

in a

church. I I

was

a

monk

meditating in a cave.

was an infant

lifted

by an eagle and deposited with a

primitive family in Africa, where

were not

advanced

as

I

saw myself

I

was a

veranda.

as

as a child in a

became

swing with books and

a

frustrated because they

swing looking up

ballet dancer in Russia.

wore velvet

I

I

I.

skirts

I

lived in a

at the sun.

home which had

and played the balalaika.

pen and paper.

I

I

a

sat in a

loved the sunshine of the

Russian spring and searched for strawberries that had been buried

under the snow. incarnation.

The

I

There were no other people

was looking

for Vassy,

picture flashed to Brazil,

in

the

Russian

but there was no one.

where

I

was involved with

voodoo of some kind, misusing the power of the occult.

The

picture flashed again.

caravan, looking

Again

up

a flash

I

was on the Arabian desert with

a

at the stars.

—

I

was doing Chinese

tai-chi.

Then another: I was a Japanese woman in a brightly colored kimono shuffling along cobblestone streets in the morning light on

my way

to a

Buddhist temple.

585

MacLaine

Shirley

Another:

I

was swimming in

riverbank nearby.

Then an I

want

didn't

was

I

realized

knew

I

incarnation to

it,

priests to use

my

on

alligator slept

a

afraid.

me

that upset

so intensely that

go on.

was an Inca youth

I

and was

came up

young boy of about

a

An

a cave.

As

eleven.

in Peru.

"looked" closer

I

was being trained by

I

I

tribal

my my

Third Eye power. In an attempt to accelerate

perceptions, they had chiseled a shallow hole in the center of forehead.

was horrible.

It

museum

seen in the center of

popped I

my

I

in

my

remembered Lima.

forehead as

I

lay

A

reaction to the skull

I

had

searing ache began to throb in the

on the

One

table.

of the gold needles

out.

didn't want to go any further.

asked Chris

I

if it

was

clear

the

necessary.

"Ask your higher I

self," she

answered.

did.

H.S.

said,

"If

you want to progress, you must

memory

psychic pain buried in this

you progress even further

in

learning

how

dimensions of consciousness simultaneously. scar tissue in

incarnation. I

your Third Eye

You

picture

came

that

I

explain.

I

felt

to function

You

I'd I

a

Spartan stone

cell.

me, administering herbs and tonics I

was

two

go ahead.

was in

in confusion

to

A my

with the acute pain and

was being forced beyond

my

had some

gauze wound around a spongy

sort of herbal

understanding.

plug that had been inserted into the indentation. ing to

in

have carried the

Don't deny the experience."

it.

in again.

priest lovingly attended

Third Eye indentation.

would suggest

for other lifetimes as well as into this

should release

breathed deeply. All right.

The

We

pattern.

me

as

well as excruciatingly painful.

I

It

He

tried to

was humiliat-

hated both the

psychic and the physical violence, but couldn't control either. priest held

me

in his arms, rocking

584

me

as

The

he continued to explain

Dancing

method would

that this

He

said

from

had been chosen

I

evil.

lead

I

became

in the Light

me

to a higher level of clairvoyance.

to divert the path of the

hysterical

community

with anger and humiliation, wrenched

myself out of his arms and ran from him.

He made him. The sort of

thing

saw was the

I

I

turned back toward

priest raising his

arms

some

in

melancholy benediction.

was

It

Vassy!

last

no attempt to follow me.

And

moment

that

at

that

I

had been

the theme was overcoming evil.

As each incarnation came up, emotional body pain. aroused.

realized the priest

The pain

I

experienced some kind of

I

say emotional because of the

didn't always correspond to

what

I

memory

was seeing.

it I

asked H.S. the reason for that. It said

that each of the incarnations

in a painful death.

What was lived.

It

I

had viewed had ended

wasn't necessary to show

important was

my

me

the death.

lack of understanding while

However, each area of pain

I

I

had

related to each death.

felt

I

needed to move through the bondage of the pain of those deaths

and

release

But

it.

also

I

needed to understand that the deaths

would not have been painful had

God

I

been in alignment with

was nothing but

spiritual power. Pain

resistance; resistance to the

energy caused by

fear.

Without

resistance, death

fear

and

my

would simply be

a transi-

tion to another dimension.

Reviewing the incarnations, unresolved

mystical

theme had been even

my

I

understanding

realized in

was

at the

end of the week that

585

had been an

each one of them.

lack of utilization of

my own

when placed in mystical situations. At least I had recognized Vassy in one It

there

I

of

my

spiritual

past lives.

recognized others.

The

power

MacLaine

Shirley

At

the end of each day's session, Chris and

reviewed the

I

meaning. She was always fascinated by the exquisite interweaving of themes. She had been through marathon treatments such as

mine with many and warned me to go easy on myself taking in an overwhelming amount of information. Each day I

I left

her ranch to drive

never saw anyone else and reviewed

home

my

as

I

was

slowly in the sunset.

tapes while soaking in the

hot vinegar bath each night.

My

dreams were intense, complicated, and symbolic.

woke with

a headache.

But then

just couldn't

I

I

and

of water each day. Sometimes in the sessions.

if

I

often

was going too

I

far.

do anything halfway.

ate fresh vegetables

I

wondered again

Along with

fruit I

and drank

at least eight glasses

know what

didn't

learning,

myself which entertained and stimulated

I

was looking

for

was an adventure within

it

me more

than anything

I

had ever done. found new

I

levels of

its

song.

meaning

in the simplest act. If a bird

my window, longed to know the hidden message of When the sun drenched hot on my skin, I wondered if

sang outside

I

intelligence lived behind the sun's gaseous rays.

hours into the desert night until the

moon

I

drove alone for

sank below the granite

mountains.

And when

I

lay

out under the

stars,

I

felt

connected to

everything above me.

was a wondrous time

It

Sometimes

come with I

I

I

for

me.

found myself crying. Other times

was expressing myself

meditated on the smallest speck

become became out

joy.

I

I

was over-

myself.

could see until

I

felt it

Then I meditated on a mountain until it The more I found the center of myself, the further

infinitely huge. a speck.

/6>

I

could go in understanding.

586

Dancing

I

my

went into the

and found a big

hills

arms and asked H.S. to H.S. I

said, "It

began

Sometimes

I

tell

standing

is

in the Light

to lose

my

would

forget

me

tree.

encircled

I

it

with

the tree's secret to peace.

still."

An

sense of time.

where

I

was.

instant

was an hour.

Other times

recognize landmarks and drove past a familiar turnoff.

and Hollywood were another planet. The

I

didn't

New York

pace of survival there

fast

mark when life's important priorities were considered. The wind-chased movement of a white cloud seemed infinitely more important. In fact, everything seemed infinite. Nothing had limits or perimeters. Everything had meaning. Nothing was wasted or gratuitous. And somehow all of life seemed to fit into a puzzle of perfection. The world and its chaos seemed denigrating and way

fit

off the

into the puzzle of peace too. For the chaos, seen in the full flow

of time, was just the necessary

drama chosen

to be played out

on

this stage called earth. It

what

I'd

been looking

wasn't aware of I

my

wasn't until after

had had

for.

last session

all

I

realized

along, but "I"

it.

good preparation when

a

understood that

I

I

it

finally

came.

I

mean,

I

was seeing predominantly violent and traumatic

memory

incarnations because within those

solved conflicts

with Chris that

Of course, H.S. knew

needed to

patterns lay the unre-

clear.

There were two notable incarnations, never to be forgotten,

me

more clearly today. them in the order that they were revealed to me because the sequence probably has some significance, although I'm still not sure what it is. The scene opened in the wild, desolate Gobi Desert near Karakorum. (One of my favorite books in childhood had been The that helped I

see

will relate

Sands of Karakorum, about a Western couple

wind-blown a lost city

shifting sands of the desert

where

their best friend

who

braved the deep

on a journey searching

had disappeared.)

587

for

Shirley

I

saw

MacLaine

and camels starkly alone against the

a caravan of tents

dry, barren ocean of sand.

Inside one of the tents, father,

and subjected from time

The bandits were

to

young woman)

We

sisters.

lived with

my

were Mongolian nomads

time to the raids of roaming bandits.

upon

merciless, inflicting indescribable cruelties

their victims if their

demands were not met.

Other than the pressing life

(as a

I

mother, and two other

fear of these bandits, the lazy desert

We

was lean but harmonious.

within the caravan and

I

tended our camels and horses

was particularly interested

weaving

in

we

brightly colored cloth interspersed with small mirrors which

had picked up

At

trading-route junction.

at a

this point,

it's

important that

character of the incarnation.

The mother was middle

sister (I

The

father

I

begin to identify each

was

my

father of today.

the present lifetime sister of

was the eldest) was Chris, and

my

my

My

father.

youngest

sister

was Sachi. So there was an immediate connection to the significance this incarnation had for

The I

me

today.

"story" unfolded.

was about sixteen and

in the full flush of puberty.

young man of about twenty who

attracted to a

It

would someday marry, but not

until

my sold

my

my

father had the

when

1

cunning of

a

with

father consented.

young woman who could be desirable on many

that culture

was his

was understood that he and

family in a neighboring tent.

beautiful

lived

I

Mongolian

trader.

As

a

I

was

levels

I

a

and

woman

in

was simply an attractive possession to be bought or

the proper time came.

father, regarded

me

And

young man, as well as The young man was my

the

in those terms.

ex-husband, Steve, in this present lifetime.

My

father

Mongolian

was dominant within the family

circle as all desert

fathers were, but his lordly role could easily be

promised by bribery, or intimidation.

388

com-

Dancing

One

in the Light

following the meal (chunks of camel

evening,

we dunked hunks

roasting over a spit as

mented milk), the family

meat

of dry bread into

A

settled in for the night.

fer-

thick rug

covered the sand floor of the huge tent with multicolored pillows

hung from

scattered in strategic resting places. Silks

the interior of

the tent and a pile of untanned skins lay heaped in a corner. There

were fur skins being cured outside, waiting to dry in the sun.

The

stars outside

from the sky I

looked so close,

like zircon

could have picked them

I

plums.

heard a rider in the distance thundering across the sand

When

with more speed than usual.

he came into view,

was one of the feared bandits. Alongside lion,

I

saw

Arabian

his black

it

stal-

he guided two galloping camels. I

quickly ducked into the tent and told

my

father of the

approaching bandit.

He

said nothing, but

I

could see he was afraid.

Soon the bandit reached our caravan and made immediately.

He whipped open

before us looking for

all

for

our tent

the front entrance flap and stood

the world like Genghis

Khan

to

me. His

flashing eyes were like bruised olives and his face was covered with a

ragged beard and moustache. His hair hung long and black, tied

in the

back with a thin piece of leather.

robes with

a

straddled the

red

black muslinlike

crimson cummerbund around his waist.

rugs in our tent and brandished a long,

encrusted sword.

he wanted to

He wore

He was menacing

make some

in the extreme,

He

jewel-

but we knew

sort of deal.

The bandit surveyed

the

interior

of the tent.

My

father

smiled ingratiatingly and attempted a friendly gesture of welcome.

The bandit ignored him. He surveyed our moved on to scrutinizing the three sisters. I to steal a woman.

My

father realized

question of what

I

it

too.

This was one time

was worth, but whether

589

I

and skins, but

furs

was there

realized he

when

would

it

live.

wasn't a

MacLaine

Shirley

The bandit pointed in peace. Otherwise, if

our tent,

kill

he needed a

afraid of

him. In

My

father

was to be

/

I

father

me

anyway.

much

choice.

He

He

looked I

said

at

was not

me. at all

found him adventurous and thrilling.

my

desert rides under the stars as

saw that

and go

his possession.

the bandit rather attractive.

fact,

him on long

me

and said he would take

wouldn't go willingly, he would ransack

my

somehow found

pictured

me

to

the other occupants, and take

woman and

That didn't leave I

I

I

wasn't afraid, which

He

and decision much simpler.

made

I

protector.

his position

shrugged.

The bandit shrewdly observed

the interplay between us and

before any other bargaining could take place and without any leave-taking, he swept

black stallion.

He

me

out of the tent and flung

replaced his sword in

its

me

onto his

sheath, seized the reins

of the two camels, and vaulted to the back of the horse, encircling

me

He dug

with his arms.

urged I

be

his feet into the sides of the

into a gallop with the

it

To me

two camels following behind.

knew I would bandit because he regarded me now as his

wasn't afraid.

with the

safe

animal and

was an adventure.

it

I

possession. I

realized that the bandit

The

my new

pictures of

was

my

life

with the bandit tumbled over

mother today.

each other as a jumbled montage. There were starry excursions alone with

him

across the wild endless sands

and howling winds of

the desert. There were groups of other bandits with

business and before

him

over desert

mountain-animal

He

nicate.

whom

fires

he proudly flaunted me.

and shared

he did

cooked

for

bed, a luxurious stack of

He talked to me but didn't really commume as a comfortable shadow who caused no

regarded

happy but sometimes missed I

I

furs.

difficulty or inconvenience, yet

whom

his

whom

was always

my

passive, not exactly accepting

life,

390

I

was reasonably

and the young

father

was supposed to have belonged.

there.

I

seemed

man

to

to be extremely

but instead adjusting to what

I

Dancing

my

believed was

in the Light

incapacity to alter

and responses which carried

it.

I

had very simple attitudes

emotional involvement.

little

That detached sense of being carried over into what happened next.

Chris stood up and prepared to put another needle into

Up

throat.

now, she had not been able

until

past-life scar

tissue.

My

"They're telling

me

said as she gently jabbed

time she succeeded, but

more

throat was even

needles than the center of

my I

it it

my

to penetrate that to the

resistant

forehead had been.

should use a needle here today," she into the soft tissue of

quivered a

my

throat. This

little.

"Please go on," she said.

was sleeping on the

I

pregnant.

me

I

another

furs

the

in

tent.

By now

was pleased about the pregnancy because

human

being to relate

to.

I

it

was

I

would give

was sleeping alone because

the bandit was away.

Out

of the silence, someone entered the tent.

answered.

called out.

He

was the young man from the village who had tracked

It

me down and had come As soon

as

He was

me

to claim

he saw that

I

His eyes blazed and he yelled bandit.

I

angry with me.

own.

for his

was pregnant, he became furious. at I

me.

was

He

wasn't angry with the

his possession

and now

I

had

been contaminated with the mark of another man.

He

fell

down upon me and proceeded

harshest kind of lovemaking. eroticizing

using

me

his

own

to violate

me

As he raped me, he seemed

violence along with

erotic struggle myself,

to be

indulging himself by

with proprietary and possessive commands. Yet

was enjoying the

in the

my

I

found

I

only concern being

the welfare of the baby.

In the

full

throes of our sexual embroilment,

open the front entrance

me

flap. It

was the bandit.

He

someone flung looked

down

with the young man, pulled him off me, and yanked

391

at

me

Shirley

my

roughly to

feet.

was angry with

He was

MacLatne

He

not angry with the young man.

me.

He dragged me out into the desert. The dawn was coming. The young man followed. The bandit took his sword from its sheath. The young man also unsheathed his sword. I knew the bandit was going to

kill

young man and then me. The young

the

man, though, suddenly cowered though

to try

and save

own

his

in front of the bandit and,

life,

he lunged at me. Holding

around the neck from behind, he very deftly

slit

my

throat.

as

me The

bandit looked on with an implacable expression tinged with sadness.

Blood spurted down

my

shoulders and arms.

Making

placat-

man bound my hands behind embedded in the sand. He was using

ing noises to the bandit, the young

me and

tied

me

to a stake he

my

death to save his

the

woman

pay

knowing

I,

I

was sorrowful but paralyzed,

own

life.

for adultery

The code of the

with her

was going to stern.

more with

I

die,

desert required that

life.

looked over at the bandit.

He

He was He stood

looked up at the young man.

terror for himself than for

me.

watching, making not a move now.

Again, felt

I

seemed not

no pain on the

table,

what was happening to me.

I

and although the images were horrible,

I

to react to

was watching the other players more than myself.

The young man turned away from me, leaving me tied to the stake. The bandit shouted to him. The young man put his arms in the air as if to say, "You do what you want." The bandit allowed him to leave. The young man climbed onto his horse, and without looking back, rode away into the sun, leaving

me

to bleed in the desert heat.

The bandit

sorrowfully broke camp, piled

all

his belongings

onto the horse and camels and rode away too. I

was

left

alone on the desert to experience the vicious attacks

of predatory birds as

I

slowly bled to death.

592

Dancing

Now

on the table the pains

out and, once again,

fell

in the Light

How

my

in

throat began.

didn't want to go on.

I

does one deal with a recalled

what was

memory such

humans had been through

realized that each of us

horrors, but

supposed to learn from

I

The needle

this.-^

as

Was

memory what

this

I

a panoply of I

had always

been afraid of birds. They were possessed of a power that feeling helpless.

this.-'

me

left

caused such an unrealistic

fear.-*

"Release the fear," said Chris. "It will be cleared for good.

We

can review the rest of

it

She twirled the needle in

later."

my

throat.

breathed light into the needle. The ache was terrible, a

I

gnawing, pounding ache.

The

picture of myself dying stayed in

high now. grisly for

let

on

to focus

reluctant to focus,

felt

go and

The body. left

I

me.

I

much

for

At the same time

longer.

my

saw myself decide to leave

that

I

body and

die.

feeling of terror

looked

down

and pain

at myself.

saw him return

I

mind. The sun was

had nearly expired completely. The scene was too

I

me

my

I

my

to

left

me

soon as

as

tracked the young

father.

He

told

my

wounded me and left me to die. father believed him and upbraided him

I

man

left

my he

after

father that the

bandit had

My

defending me. But there were, after

who might

bring

him

a

all,

harshly for not

two other daughters

more promising arrangement

in

left

the

future.

The young man then began

to bargain for

(Sachi). Sachi refused to be sold to

love

with

his

younger brother.

brother of today!

both of the

him because

men who had I

heard

been responsible

my young man 393

youngest

sister

she had fallen

The younger brother was

The two young people went

between themselves.

my

m

my

off together, leaving for

my

fate to fight

swear revenge against

Shirley

my

father's

MacLaine

and he vowed he would continue until he

soul,

succeeded in destroying him in a future lifetime.

The Then

I

father

moment

and

they met.

my It

significant to

me

here

is

was an almost chemical dislike based on

proprietory way, as though I

is

ex-husband disliked each other from the

They each went

absolutely nothing conscious.

each.

disappeared.

it

began to put some pieces together.

I

"You know, what

said to Chris,

my

that

picture rolled away until

stopped for a moment.

I

never understood

were to be protected by each from

I

And

it.

other was not good for me.

each of them believed that the

them both, but they couldn't

loved

I

after the other in a

bear each other."

"A

Chris chuckled quietly.

happens

"It

in every family.

as the bandit,

little

karma going down," she

But look

and your father have to work out.

I

mean, she

abused her power unmercifully in that lifetime even though the code of the desert to steal

women.

said.

karma your mother,

at the

How

do you

really it

was

about

feel

that.''" I

thought about

possible.

"Well,"

I

trying to be as objectively honest as

it,

said,

"somehow

happens between the two of them.

I I

feel

more

interested in

always have.

It's as

what

though

I

haven't particularly held any subconscious grudge against either of

them, but instead have agreed to come into

this lifetime as their

daughter to help them work out their problems with each other.

Is

that possible.-^"

"Yes," said Chris, "and gracious! cent entity in your mother in order to

which were necessary

for you.

You

chose such a magnifi-

work through many

judgment. She has reminded you that each of us has been at

one time or another.

She has been through

blossoming in that understanding, still

issues

She has taught you to love without

just as

you

will.

it

all

Your

a tyrant

and

is

father

is

straddling the fence between understanding the latent power

594

Dancing

he possesses and putting

going

individual

soul

you

are.

but the enlightenment of one

tie,

every other soul

elevates

mother was your chosen one you

on the planet. Your She exuded the

to learn through.

which best served what you needed

attracted

They are both The two of them have

to use, but he will.

it

to progress rapidly because

an urgent and intense karmic

ideal

in the Light

That

to learn.

is

why

she

as a potential parent."

That was putting terms of myself, was

mildly,

it

my

I

thought.

What

rang so true, in

observation of Mother's apparent power-

Whatever her reasons were for herself, I didn't want that to happen

lessness in this present lifetime.

drawing that victimization to

to

me. So even though she drew

a great deal of frustrated helpless-

ness to her this time around, she served as a lesson for

the same fate. For that lesson,

would be

I

certainly chosen a superb teacher.

As

me

to avoid

eternally grateful.

far as

my

had

I

parents together

were concerned, they expressed their repressed emotions to each

much more

other

fully

alone with each other.

simply

sit

when

My

I

was around than they did when

lesson in

all

of this, then, might be to

back, be patient with their karmic intensity, and

them argue and

flail

away

at

each other until they finally got

out. Their love for each other

it all

was obvious. But that kind of love

was not what the experience of forgiving self so each of

let

life

them could

was fall

all

about.

in love

It

was about

with their

own

beings.

A

few other points about the desert incarnation.

Since desert

—

Desert. fired

to

was

a child,

I

have

felt a

mystical attraction to the

not the Mojave Desert or the Sahara Desert, but the Gobi It

my

the

I

was always a desert with Mongolian inhabitants that

imagination. They were wild and rough, answerable only

God whom

howling wind was

they

worshipped with

their constant

fear

and awe.

The

companion and the expanse of

the heavens above their only reminder that they weren't alone.

Why

I

would romanticize the Gobi Desert

393

after

having experi-

Shirley

enced such a lifetime,

through

had

my

I

MacLaine

don't know, unless perhaps

I

had worked

me and

problem with the people who had victimized

as yet not

worked through the trauma with the

birds, the sun,

and slow death. There were so many threads that bound that lifetime to present one that

stand

it

is

and under-

virtually impossible to look at

And what

the connections.

all

me on

had happened to

desert was the result of events that had preceded

my the

it.

For example, after the Mongolian experience with the young

man who

my

slit

throat,

previously that required

I

me

wondered what to

I

go through such

had done to him

and slow

a violent

death. I

asked

Rome.

I

my

What came up was an incarnation in Roman soldier who had incarcerated a woman and

was a

higher

self.

They slowly

her daughter.

starved to death in a cell after having

contracted leprosy because of the the

filth.

The woman was the

young man. And the young man was

my

soul of

ex-husband today!

The karmic law of cause and effect was staggering in its The drama never seemed to end. I marveled at the rich canvas of human history. What movies could be made out of karmic drama! If only Hollywood would become interested in how karma works for each member of the human race. It would no longer be simplistic good guys versus the bad guys stuff. It would implications.

be

all

of us in the soup of emotional conflict together.

see a film

where poetic

Then we could

learn

justice

And when

come

less

far

the

meaning was understood,

provocative and dangerous.

find themselves monitoring their

were the

final

longed to

something about how the harmony of

purpose works. Violence would not be mindless;

meaning.

I

was spread over several lifetimes.

own

it

life's

would have it

would be-

Perhaps people would

behavior,

knowing

that they

judge of their actions and master of their

own

destiny.

Human

understanding would accelerate immeasurably

596

if

each

Dancing

in the Light

of US had the certain knowledge that whatever we visit on another, good and bad, would be experienced by us. Again, I thought about leadership. Each person in a position of power must feel the loneliness of not seeing the

"meaning" when facing

involves the possible death of others. issue.

It

which

the death that

the robbing of the vehicle of experience

is

is

It isn't

a decision that

the highest cosmic crime.

—

is

the

the body

The only route

to

God

is

through the earth plane, the karmic experience which occurs in the body. find

To

kill

another

to terminate the soul's opportunity to

is

God.

my

If the sole yardstick to

was entertainment,

I

cally involving experience

And,

as

my

was

last

I

began

icy

incarnation

I

it

had

real

meaning. in relation

was again) during the time of the

some meaningful capacity

bells celebrating

I

at the royal court.

as

I

It

deep snowy countryside

our smooth speed.

weather and hear the bells

could

feel

the

recalled this incarnation. It

was

(I

were there again.)

There were huge velvet tables

it all

saw was the most dramatic

a life of luxury: sleigh rides in the

though

was the most dramati-

had ever had the privilege of viewing.

in Russia (there

served in

with sleigh

as

it

today.

life

It

czars.

I

to say

always in the best entertainment,

The to

time with Chris and her needles

would have

of caviar and

vodka.

skirts,

muted

tones of color, long

French was spoken with Russian

accents as the people of the court talked of Impressionist paintings

and the sophistication of Europe. Abject poverty riddled the countryside

as well as the

main-

attended symphonies, the ballet,

stream of society, while the

elite

and opera. The poor lived

in shacks partially

underground

in a

desperate attempt to gain warmth. I

saw

all

the images in a generalized, abstract way.

served to establish the basic conditions in which occurred.

597

my

They

involvement

MacLaine

Shirley

The Russian Orthodox

was powerful within the royal

religion

court. Satan, personifying evil, was a real and terrifying symbol.

The

prevailing philosophy was that the poor were trampled by

Satan because that was their destiny. The rich were rewarded by

God. That was court

their destiny.

felt inferior to

However, the members of the

royal

Europeans because they were ashamed of the

primitiveness of their peasant country.

French intellectuals, they spoke of

how

As they hobnobbed with the peasant class was not

ready for democracy. They were "savages"

who needed

to be ruled

them from themselves. They were capable of killing without thought, more animal than human. I saw those same judgmental, elitist people devouring legs of lamb with both in order to protect

hands while seated

Moreover the lytic

at luxuriously set

settling of

banquet

tables.

arguments was not done with ana-

diplomacy. There was usually an eruption of physical vio-

much

lence, then 1

my

lived

had

a son

the

picture

attribute

adored.

I

I

laughing and crying. Passions ran rampant. protected within the seclusion of the court.

life

He

my

was

stop-framed.

He was

life.

He had

about

six years old as

high cheekbones

(a

physical

recognized immediately) and tawny-brown skin.

ognized him

as

Vassy.

(So he

had been

my

I

I

rec-

son in a previous

incarnation.)

Then

the picture changed to the backwoods of the United

States during the Civil a log cabin with

my

War

young

period.

I

was a

woman

son. Again, the son

living alone in

was Vassy!

He was

me and seemed to be preparing to run away from we lived. He bolted from the door half in jest earnest. I ran after him. He ran to a cliff where he was

very upset with

the log cabin where

and half

in

used to playing, but

The felt

and

fell

over.

picture switched back to Russia.

Vassy,

who

lost his footing

who

lived at court with

me, was

a shy

Russian boy

deeply about the plight of the poor. Often he would leave

the court to play with friends on the outside, taking with

398

him

Dancing

in the Light

precious objects which he would present to his friends so they

could

them

sell

for food.

was aware of

I

his

Robin Hood

tactics

and said nothing.

A new

picture

me.

agreed.

to see

I

me

stood before

came up.

He

A man

from

was representing

a village outside asked

group of the poor and

a

outlining the desperate conditions under which he

He

and

his family lived.

tion

from the royal court

said his people to ease the

needed help and recogni-

burden of their impoverished

existence. I

and was moved, but

listened

The man asked

if

I

treasures so that other unfortunate

He

said he

would take

funds so that

felt

do anything. some of the royal

helpless to

could work out a way to

human

sell

beings could survive.

responsibility for the disbursement of the

He was

wouldn't have to become royal policy.

it

genuinely distraught, and had displayed a great deal of courage in asking to see

me

in

the

man was

This

place.

first

Steve,

my

ex-husband. I

listened

and sent him away with the promise that

I

would

giwt his problem serious consideration. I

then contacted him and took to donning a peasant robe to

disguise myself. the

man

I

left

the court on

so that he could familiarize

numerous occasions and met

me

firsthand with the condi-

tions of life that he spoke about.

The

me

peasants

their

what they

offered

to their stories

with

welcomed me

into their pitiful shacks, offering

homemade wine and what

me and

and enjoyed myself

food there was. at the

same time.

and sang their songs with them.

introduced

me

accepted

I

My

I

listened

son came

to his poverty-stricken friends, giving

them money every time he left. I found charity embarrassing. The problem was

his childish gestures of

so

overwhelming that

small gestures seemed paltry.

Yet the poor became a contact point of loving I

reality for

enjoyed their company and wanted to help them.

599

I

me.

was then

Shirley

MacLaine

forced to consider whether or not

had the courage to see

I

it

through. I

went

to

someone

His rank was not

clear.

present-day father.

He was

the boat.

He

power

in a position of great I

knew

only

in the court.

my

was the soul of

it

sympathetic, but unmotivated to rock

was

said the fate of the poor

and he had

their destiny

been told by his spiritual counselor that to interfere with the

karmic destiny of anyone would be counselor was the soul of

how complicated

my

our karmic intertwining had been.

to her to plead the case for the poor, she said

the

work of Satan

My

it

was seeing

I

When

would be

went

I

evil

and

the royal family interfered with their karma.

if

One

She said Satan worked in devious ways.

on the lookout.

His spiritual

a spiritual crime.

present-day mother.

son looked on.

should continually be

could see

I

how

she influenced

him. caught in the middle.

felt

I

Orthodox Church, and

evil.

didn't

And

believe

too,

was a product of the Russian

I

with a deep belief

in the polarities of

good

we

Satan came as a wolf in sheep's clothing. If in

we were being seduced

Satan,

so

as

not to

recognize him.

was confused and

I

people

I

felt

immobilized.

inner voice, but

I

ity

I

I

saw myself

to listen to

my own

was afraid to incur the displeasure of those who

And

I

by other members of the royal

was

also

circle.

stopped going to the village, unable to accept the hospital-

The man who approached me

of the poor in good conscience.

in the first place

began to

lose

hope

courage and inability to do what

When time,

wanted

correct about their evaluation of Satan.

afraid of being ostracized I

wanted to help the

had come to love and empathize with.

pacing back and forth in confusion.

might be

I

I

1

as

he watched

knew was

refused to see later,

him and had him I

learned from

400

dwindling

me

one more

right.

he mustered the bravery to confront

Sometime

my

sent away.

my

son that the

man had

Dancing

become discouraged and was

in the Light

His family,

ill.

upon him.

others in the village, had depended

depressed and

to prevent Still

his family died

I

he was too

around him, leaving him helpless

it.

did nothing to help.

I

He became more swept

many

well as

Now

to function.

ill

One by one

as

and more angry with me. Then disease

his village.

was so

Whole

horrified,

became even more

I

wiped out

families were

paralytic.

until finally there

was no one

left.

The man could not understand behalf of

all

those

He was

when he made

would seek revenge

vowed

to seek

On

monetary

aware of the principles of karmic

that vow.

It

mattered not whether he

in that lifetime or a future one.

There was another character silent

lack of moral courage.

refused to help, he

I

revenge against me. destiny

my

in

this

who was

incarnation

but powerfully affected by the conditions of the poor.

He

was a chronicler of some kind and kept a diary so there would be a written record of events. That writer was my brother, Warren. My

mind

flashed to his passionate obsession to tell the story of the

Russian Revolution through John Reed.

The exactly

pictures stopped.

I

didn't need to see any more.

I

knew

what they had meant.

The karma of my spiritually

father

and mother was

clear.

Because of

withholding money from the poverty-stricken peasants,

they were perceiving in this lifetime that they had

lems of their

own

—even though

Dad had deep compassion identifying with

them on

a

for

they did not. the

profound

plight

And

Mom

of the poor

and

today,

level.

Part of the Vassy connection was clear too.

401

money prob-

both

He

had been

my

Shirley

son in at least four lifetimes

worth mentioning). And evil,

MacLaine

two others which

isolated

(I

are not

them, the theme was good and

in each of

and love and violent passion versus freedom and

respect.

But the most revelatory experience was with the man from My parents may have reaped money problems from

the village.

But

that lifetime.

theirs

were nothing compared to mine. As

man who had vowed monetary

have said, the

ex-husband Steve. During our marriage, he had

felt

I

my

revenge was

the need to

money from me. And during the property settlement he demanded even more. I had never understood the basis for his desperation about money until now. He had vowed take large amounts of

my

revenge against

me

Mongolian lifetime and against

father in the

in the Russian incarnation.

paralyzed by fear,

In the Russian incarnation,

my own

counter to

consequence, family. In

there

my

denied him help,

convictions,

had been

karmic reaction, reaping the

results

terrible

present lifetime

believed

I

I

I

and,

as

him and

a

his

was experiencing the

my own

fruit of

for

had run

weakness in the past.

It all fitted. 1

people ripped

wondered

if

such a belief could be helpful to the millions of

who found

themselves bitter and angry at having been

off,

There

cheated, and, to is

way, a

if

we can

lot of the

When

I

focused in on I

I

had

is

own

simply a learning

just seen,

reasons for Steve's

moving beyond words.

my

It

it

that

knocks become easier to take.

understood what

higher self again.

It

saw H.S. peacefully standing

functioned on the astral plane.

an astonishing thing happened. if to

are all participants in our

to lifetime.

only persuade ourselves to think of

come. To understand the attitudes was

We

always a reason.

karmic drama from lifetime process and

appearances hurt for no reason.

all

It

I

I

the tears

felt

apparently negative

didn't open

was more

my

eyes.

clear than ever.

in the center of the

me

stood quietly and balanced.

My

I

higher self held out

its

that

Then

arms

as

welcome another being. This new persona approached H.S.

402

Dancing

and

realized

I

it

was the higher

down

looked steadily

hope

"I

we have

belonging to Steve. But

all

"My

man

love

I

understanding and we both agreed to lead the

We

life

have been together through

You know

experiences that are too numerous to remember.

each one,

had

with deep

said

purpose has been only that.

led in this incarnation.

And through

it

me.

have helped you learn," the old

I

compassion and sadness.

you beyond

at

self

man. H.S. embraced the old man,

the appearance of a very old

who

in the Light

we have taught each

me

from each other. All that you have put

that.

other and learned

through and

have put you through was done in the name of love.

all

And

that

I

the love

was only a lesson in the love and realization of self." heart flooded with emotion as I began to resolve all the

for each other

My

confused tearing feelings

I

had had about him.

He

again. Then something happened that will stay with

H.S. into

my

lifted its

in a

me

forever.

welcoming gesture. Moving slowly

higher dimensional picture floated the essences of several

other people. I

arms

smiled sadly

I

say essences because the forms were not literal, yet

could see that they were the soul energies of the higher selves of

my

mother, father, brother, Vassy, and Sachi. They seemed to manifesting aspects of them-

vibrate with individualized light, selves that

I

recognized today. They held themselves in their

light, quivering in a subtle I

was so

perfect.

in their

and

own

Tom

group.

dance of individualized radiance.

was nearly unable to deal with what

began to cry again.

I

felt

Two

this

made me

so

much

to

I

It

me. They were surrounded

other light beings joined

them

McPherson. They stood on either side of

And

feel.

such an outpouring of love from them.

They meant

light.

own

— Ramtha my

small

the tears continued to flow.

Then H.S. spoke again. "This is your perfection," it said. "This is the harmony you seek. Your tears recognize a truth you have been seeking. it

Know

that

it is

by struggling so hard to find

seeking, not struggle and fighting,

405

do not lose But remember always that

there for you, and it!

is

part of the path. Seeking

is

MacLaine

Shirley

and

a necessary part of the whole,

ourselves created there is

must always be

the purpose of the imperfection

a search for

—and

you understand how we

are all

harmony. That

therefore the paradox, the

imperfection that makes the perfect balance.

Do

world that we

in the imperfect

Do you

understand?

connected in love and light and

purpose?"

was crying so hard

I

was glad

I

I

only needed to answer in

my

mind. "Yes,"

I

answered, "I understand."

Apart from insights into

and

lovers,

my

effect

higher

it

would be

my

relationships with family, friends,

me

difficult for

to define accurately the

my

time with Chris, and achieving connection with

my

have had on

self,

But there

life.

where

significant areas in living

my

growing

has assumed major importance for me:

first, in

resource; second, in reality perception;

are perhaps

spiritual

three

maturation

energy control and

and third,

in experiential

reality.

As

this

for the first,

—and

I

surely

my

know

statement:

"There

And

Now, when

I

"phenomenal." People

I

am

—

as

own

is

reality

only

relates

experiential reality.

encounter something that seems too negative or

learning experience makes

task then

and work.

There

reality.

perception of one's

confusing to deal with, the knowledge that

own

me

tell

convinced of the truth of Flaubert's

no such thing

is

that

directly to the third

is

in every phase of daily living

it

Secondly, more and more

perception."

energy

becomes an attempt

it less

I

have chosen

difficult to

to investigate

it

for

my

cope with. The

why events occur

so

that the pieces can be fitted into the larger picture.

Shortly after

I

left

Santa Fe,

exemplify, for me, the process of light of spirituality.

404

two events occurred which

how one

relates to life in the

Parr Four

The Dana of the

Rea ThreA

Ck ivtcr 19

I Many Happy what to

I

my

higher

tiring.

Somehow

Returns.

wanted

to say easily.

self,

In fact,

I

it

flowing expression.

I

had started right away to draft

the title itself inspired

found that

if

I

me

to touch

entrusted the writing

could work nine to twelve hours a day without didn't feel like work. I

It

felt

more

like free-

was beginning to understand how the

cre-

own higher knowledge worked. I my own way. I wrote the first draft in

ative principle of trusting one's

was simply getting out of five

weeks.

Then an apparent roadblock I

occurred.

had returned to Los Angeles, and during a session with

Kevin Ryerson (the medium for the spiritual entities Tom McPherson and John), they informed me that there was a problem with the title of my book. They said a book exploring the past lives of

Edgar Cayce (the celebrated American medium) was about

to be published

and was entitled Many Happy Returns. They added,

407

MacLaine

Shirley

however, that ally to title to I

would

I

my own

life

emerge.

lives.

I

went back on the

I

Kevin Ryerson came in

began to move,

I

to see

my

my

more personfor a new

was unhappy, but waited stage.

was playing the Orpheum Theater

opening number

sleeve.

find a better title that related

and

show.

I

San Francisco when

in

walked out on stage

for the

As soon

usual red sequined pantsuit.

noticed a long red thread dangling from

Having had experience with sequined

material,

I

as

I

my

knew

it

was dangerous to pull on the thread because each sequin was attached

to

same thread. The wardrobe woman was very

the

conscientious, so

I

couldn't understand

After the opening number,

and remarked that

costume would

metaphor

for

if

I

I

think

said.

I,

this

was happening.

pulled the dangling red thread the whole

unravel.

As

it

my

turned out,

remark was a

what transpired.

Kevin came backstage. Under "I

why

stopped, asked for some scissors

we have an

his

arm, he toted a pamphlet.

interesting piece of synchronicity here," he

of course, didn't

know what

he was talking about until

I

read the material he had brought with him. "Read this," he said.

"Then we must I

rnaster

talk."

quickly scanned an article investigating the in

the fifteenth century called

phenomenal poet, inconoclast, and

Ikkyu.

life

He

Zen

had been a

a religious reformer

though an emperor's son, had spent most of

of a

who,

al-

his long life (eighty-

monk. He became time and was remembered as a

eight years) as a wandering medicant (healer) the greatest calligrapher of his

legendary lover

who had

seventies.

Ikkyu was

which he

lived,

his

most passionate love

affair in his late

as full of contradictions as the

a period of political upheaval,

time period in

not unlike ours

today, with riots, civil wars, plagues, epidemics, famine. Yet, at

the same time there was a radical renewal of the arts, a cultural renaissance rivaling the Italian Renaissance. Ikkyu's influence on

the period was immeasurable.

He became 408

a folk hero,

making

his

Dancing

in the Light

greatest contribution to the Japanese culture as the father of Wabi.

which, loosely translated, means the beauty of simplicity and the absence of materialistic ostentation through "things."

Chinese

as well as

He was

a

Japanese poet.

As a Zen master, however, he challenged Zen philosophy, which not only ignored but almost denied the existence of women and therefore the importance of love and sex between men and

women

in

human

and respect that

for

itself

life

life.

He

called his acceptance of

human

sexuality

the female energy Red Thread Zen, acknowledging

would not

exist if not for the umbilical cord that

He excoriated celibacy, and with women deepened his own

connects us to the feminine.

declared

that his intimate relations

enlight-

enment. Although he had openly experienced relationships with

many women,

wasn't until his midseventies that he claimed he

it

had found the great love of

his life.

She was a blind singer of

On

Japanese ballads and was forty years his junior. he dedicated his

last

I

do regret

I

vow

poem

to her.

to cease pillowing

eternity to her

.

.

in

my

intuitive higher

I

head in her lap

a strong sense of familiarity. to give

my own

mind,

my

.

As I read the material, I felt Kevin said he had felt "compelled" have something to do with

his deathbed,

felt

it

to

me, that

past-life experience.

it

must

Somehow

I

might have been

session.

McPherson and

that perhaps

the blind ballad singer.

A

few days

later,

John came through. the red thread on

I

my

we had another

questioned them about the synchronicity of sleeve

and the Red Thread Zen of Ikkyu.

"Yes," said McPherson,

dramatic small event so

"But why?" so,

what

I

as to attract

asked.

difference does

"we programmed

it

"Was

I

make?"

409

a

harmless yet

your attention."

the blind ballad singer?

And

if

MacLaine

Shirley

"What do you

McPherson,

feel?" asked

you

spiritual guides have of forcing

in that

more

to think

way

that

all

intuitively for

yourself.

"Well, yes,"

I

said, "I feel

was."

I

"You are correct," he went on. Then suddenly I connected the

my

with

swimming

dark spots

me

difficult for

"Indeed that you

what

eyes to

it

was

I

across

realizing.

my

asked

had been having

had been experiencing

I

which

eyes

I

at

moments made

I

is," said

McPherson. "Your higher

would draw

if this

knowledge

this

memory of the blindness was memory of your eyes." I

blinked and tried to

I

was "seeing" with

"saw" meaning and

"You had an

self

understood

to your conscious

mind and

manifesting through the cellular

what

recall

I

had looked

a deeper insight.

I

like.

I

realized

didn't see "form,"

for

feeling.

you

to develop

more of

Just as McPherson said that, in relation to Ikkyu.

aloud, but

I

I

inner sight then," he said, "a highly developed

sense of being because you had not the gift of outer sight.

would be well

it

was connected.

to read.

the

that

trouble

I

I

that inner sight today."

had a blinding

flash of insight

could hardly bring myself to express

had long since learned not

It

it

to limit or block those

feelings.

"Tom," you

said,

I

"I'm having the strangest idea or whatever

call it."

"I

"Is

know," he answered. it

true?"

"Express your feeling," he pushed.

"Well"

—

character was

Tom

I

swallowed

my

—

"I

have the feeling that this Ikkyu

ex-husband, Steve!"

smiled through Kevin's

"Quite right," he

said.

face.

"You needed 410

to unravel the threads

Dancing

of your

own mystery

in order to

thus a more personal

"What

in the Light

come

to a

new understanding and

your book."

title for

title?"

"Well," said Tom, "to you

all

life

is

a dance,

that

isn't

correct?"

"Yes."

"A dance

of energy and lessons?"

"Yes." "Ikkyu's

Red Thread Zen was

the personification

recognition of the dance of male and female energy as

of the

we embody

both male and female in each incarnational experience. His was

a

dramatic breakthrough in the puritanical asexual Zen philosophy of his period.

He

understood that

experience

all

connected to

is

the female through the red thread of the umbilical cord. That was

your Steve. That

why you have been

is

him through your

so spiritually connected to

why you and he

present incarnation and also

have had this identification with Japan. This spiritual lineage has transferred to this lifetime, only in this incarnation the roles are reversed. You have been the public learner.

Sometimes your insights

moments he buckles

in

expounder and he has been the

are too

incarnation together his insights were

Your inner sight in

I

Do

as

for

him. At those

in

your previous

more than others could

this incarnation will enable

tolerant of the pace of others light.

much

on himself. Just

who

are

you

to be

see.

more

sometimes blinded by the

you understand?"

in front of

my

my

chair and breathed deeply.

The

spots

eyes disappeared as did a deep pain in

my

right

straightened up in

shoulder which had been troubling

"The pain

in

me

for

two days.

your right shoulder," said

Tom,

"has lifted

because you have gotten in touch with the incarnation

been discussing."

"Why

did

I

have the pain?"

I

411

asked.

we have

MacLatne

Shtrley

was

"It

by another Zen master and was beyond your

inflicted

understanding

at the

"Did Ikkyu

hit

time."

me?"

"No," he answered, "another monk struck you because you and Ikkyu were responsible

my

rubbed

I

Zen

for upsetting traditional

beliefs."

shoulder, unable to locate where the pain had

been a few minutes before. "All body pain,"

matter,

When

Tom

continued, "or even dis-ease, for that

nothing but unresolved, unreleased karmic impurity.

is

karma is understood, the energies in the body flow The more karmically free one becomes, the less pain or

the

freely.

dis-ease one feels in the body."

"But Tom,"

I

said,

not understanding

"how can people they don't know how to

why

was suddenly

I

themselves from pain and

feeling frantic,

free

disease

if

get in

karma.''

I

touch with their past-life

mean, not everyone has you or other guides

you to

like

talk to." "It

If

very simple, really," said

is

quietly.

"Very simple.

everyone was taught one basic spiritual law, your world would

And

be a happier, healthier place. Everyone. is

Tom

a

The

hunger

that law

greatest threat to Earth

for this

is this:

Everyone

is

spiritual ignorance.

is

understanding. The

human

race

is

God.

There

experienc-

ing a thrust in this direction with the revival of religious fervor.

But each other.

religious

faction

judgmental and intolerant of the

is

Release the zealous judgment.

with the knowledge that each

is

—

civilization will reflect peace

each individual I

gazed

at

is

When

part of

everyone

is

peace within. Recognize that within

the divine cosmic truth that you term

Tom

aligned

God, the consciousness of

God."

McPherson's energy coming through Kevin's

body.

"So you're saying that

if

we

just

know that we

are totally

individually part of that God-force, we will experience no pain, trauma, or dis-ease?"

4/2

and

more

Dancing

"That can

come

to be.

No

quite correct," said

is

to anyone, regardless of

Each individual

conflict.

is

part of

Tom

how

quietly.

know

his

"Enlightenment

despicable they might seem

working through

is

Each person deals with

one can possibly

universe

/« the Light

his or her

own trauma

at his

own soul own pace.

or judge another. For each soul in the

God."

sat still.

I

Then Tom said, "Do you know what a koan is.-*" "No," 1 answered. "A koan," said Tom, "is a question which a Zen master will pose to his student to inspire him or her to think more deeply about his own reality. 'What is the sound of one hand clapping?' That is a koan. 'If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound if no one

is

there to hear

"Koans

are

Happy Returns was thought because

That

it?'

is

a koan.

intended to stimulate insight. The

it

a

koan

you.

for

inspired and

It

stimulated

amused you.

When

title

Many

investigative it

was jerked

away from you, even deeper insight occurred. Now, with the dance of consciousness you have experienced you yourself.

To know

self

is

know more about

the only thing worth knowing. Every-

thing flows from that."

We

both

would

entity

sat silently.

wondered what

I

really look like

if

Tom

he had form.

as a spiritual

What was

form?

What were we? Were we simply coagulated we Were physical manifestations of our own consciousness? "Well, Tom," I finally said, "I guess you are my new koan.

What were

bodies?

thought?

If

you had form, what would you look like?" "Quite right," said Tom. "And

seem

different to each soul

what one perceives

it

who posed

to be. If

I

can assure you that question.

I

would

Reality

you have no more questions,

I

is

will

be leaving now." I

nodded. "And

if

you

leave,

gone?"

4i3

you will only appear to be

Shirley

"Oh, yes," everyone

said

MacLaine

Tom. "Nothing is Remember

ever gone. Everything and that in the days to come.

present always.

is

The more you are conscious of that, the more awareness you possess. The more awareness you possess, the closer you come to knowing your higher unlimited self. The more you know your higher

the closer you are to

self,

Light which

A But

all

other higher selves and to the

the God-force."

is

shudder went through Kevin's body.

Tom

was indeed to remember, and be grateful

I

McPherson

for,

left.

Tom's words

"in the days to come."

I

years

received a call from Christopher Adler,

who had

written the lyrics for

my show

my

friend of so

and who had thrown

that magnificent "light and life" birthday party for years of

working together we had become very

distraught. "Something

controlled panic. "I

high

fever,

am

is

know

close.

wrong," he

me. In the

Now

retention),

what's wrong."

and no energy, none.

He

said he

he was

said in a kind of

having ghastly stomach pains and

edema (water

doctors don't

terribly

many

I

have a

And

the

was going into the

hospital for tests. I

called Chris

Griscom

in Santa Fe

immediately to see

if

she

could tune in to anything specific. She was shocked.

"Oh my, my

friend," she said after a long silence of

nicating with her higher

through

his

ago. Shirley, I

body which it

see as

commu-

disease

all

having begun about three years

doesn't seem possible for

him

to

make

it."

was stunned. Christopher was so healthy and vibrant.

"Well, what can he

"He which

I

"The young man has

self.

is

do.'*" I

asked.

has to accept that he had elected to have this experience,

not going to be pleasant. If he understands the role of his

own karmic

free will in this,

it is

just possible that

healing process."

414

he can begin a

Dancing

didn't

I

know what

whether

to do;

to call Christopher or not.

and asked them to check with

Kevin and J.Z.

called

I

in the Light

McPherson and Ramtha.

They came back

me

to

with

body were

truly

monumental.

spoke with Richard Adler, Christopher's father, with

I I

had also worked

The

same projections.

the

ramifications of disease in Christopher's

whom

these years. Neither of us could take in the

all

dreadful swiftness and apparent finality of what was happening to

Christopher.

A

few days

later

Christopher called again.

Shirley," he said, trying not to cry. "I have

me. but

1

have cancer.

now

I

can't believe

why

this

Then,

What

spiritual

stuff

and how

they could

all

weeks.

I

don't

I

it

know we've

him? I

need

a

talked about your

to our earth-plane

relates

it

I tell

life,

but

I

now."

chemotherapy would thwart the body's natural healing

processes because

it

would destroy

But they added that given that I

through

talked to Chris Griscom and Kevin and J.Z. again. All of said

make

all

Christopher said, "Listen,

plan. Yn\ frightened.

need to understand I

five

God's name could

in

in a strong voice,

game

them

They took out

lymphoma,

happening."

is

couldn't speak.

spiritual

really

it.

have to go through chemotherapy for

understand I

I

"It's

lymphoma

much

his

so

much

in

my

it

lymphoma.

probably wouldn't

difference anyway.

talked to Christopher's doctors.

was truth

besides the

karmic prognosis

spiritual

approach to

lem, but they didn't understand

it

They

my

said they

knew

there

friend's terrible prob-

empirically and preferred to go

through with their medical procedures.

I

understood that. So did

Christopher. So did Richard.

What for

followed was weeks of visits and phone conversations;

Christopher the nauseating sickness of the chemotherapy and his

confusion about whether to adopt an attitude of "fighting" the disease, or giving in to

it.

415

MacLaine

Shirley

encourage him to believe that he could beat the

tried to

I

lymphoma but not from a "fighting" point of view. I talked with him more along the lines of understanding and believing that his body was

perfect if he could only focus

perfection.

He was

on the

thirty years old, his heart

was

reality of that

perfect, so could

if he "knew" it. The Adler family began to prepare themselves

the body be perfect

for the

yet continuallly supported Christopher in his battle.

New York so real I

for a

dream"

"vision

week

—

feels like

it

with him. During this time

to be

we

the kind

all

worst

went

I

I

to

had

a

have from time to time that seem

an experience.

walked into

his

room where

hospital

had seen him

I

lying in desperation, confused and determined.

This time,

as

I

he was fully dressed,

entered,

He looked me and we began to

stretched out to me.

healthy and happy.

arms around

dance together.

We

were dancing in a bubble of pure white

and whispered

my

in

ear,

"Now

am

I

I

light.

his

He

arms

put his

looked around.

He

leaned over

ready to talk about

my

mother." I

very

I

my

woke up

abruptly.

young and

called Chris

realistic

knew

a long

"Well,"

Or

"my

guides have told

literalness of

I

me

that he needs to

and complicated relationship with his mother that is

his

asked confusedly,

way of doing

it."

mean

he'll

"The white bubble of

light

"does the dream

will he go.''"

"He'll go, Shirley," she said.

around you

mother had died when he was

dream.

has gone on for centuries. This

survive?

his

Griscom and asked her about the

"Yes," she said,

work out

I

that he had been devastated by her leaving.

is

his acceptance of

coming

into the light of under-

standing after he goes on to the higher dimension." I

hung

up.

I

wasn't prepared to accept that explanation.

416

I

Dancing

wanted Christopher

him

family wanted

my

body

to live in the

much

as

as

he and his

to.

went into m.y room

I

yoga session

in the Light

my

do some yoga. In the middle of

to

higher self began to speak to

me

in a clear

and

succinct voice.

"Why

do you

feel,"

it

said, "that

work out on

issues

a higher dimensional level?"

my

stopped

I

to insist

body when he has other

that Christopher stay alive in the to

you have the right

postures stock-still.

"What do you mean?"

I

asked out loud. "Just what

know he

I

said," H.S. answered

will never really die

course at his

own

what another

is

"But,"

One

pace.

'^he

him does,"

said

rather strongly.

"You

person can never really understand

actually doing or

protested,

I

me

anyway. Let him proceed with his

why

says he

they are doing it."

wants to stay

in the

alive

body." "Part of self

H.S. "But

it is

because he has chosen to leave. That

understand because you value are the contradiction. his lesson to all of I

Allow him

may be

in the

life

really

leaving

is

you

difficult for

to

to pass over gracefully.

That

is

you."

stood staring at myself in the mirror. Suddenly the person-

had anyone close to

ing in the most visceral to be

He

body so highly. But you

alization of the so-called death experience

me

way

"die" before.

made

Now

that Christopher

sense. I

He was just going to make a transition And the more I or anyone else insisted

alive in the body, the

him.

What

more

difficult

I

had never

was understand-

was not

"gone."

dimension.

for

clear that his higher

needs to go on or this would not be happening.

we were making

really

going

into another that he stay his transition

he would do was up to him. The doctors would

play their roles. Aspects of Christopher himself would continue to struggle, but the real Christopher

when and whether he would

go.

417

would make

his

own

decision

Shirley

MacLaine

After that experience with higher self

about Christopher. Grief

who would

the family

felt for

1

ceased to struggle

I

the loss of a dear friend and for

miss him, but

I

no longer had a sense of

outraged despair.

He

began the to

bed

It

room.

I

a

As

up

stayed with

When

later.

night

I

The room was dark but I

I

felt I

surrounded

knew

it

was

me

I

I

went home

I

filled

thought the sun was shining into

my own mind. me for the rest

my my

was enveloped

as well as

in

emanated

was Christopher. The light

of the night and for days thereafter.

received the call from Richard

I

weeks

six

about him whenever

opening number. One

up.

in bed.

shower of light that

from inside

about

was sleeping a blazing white light

I

woke me sat

his decision

in Los Angeles, thinking

lyrics to his

early.

head.

made

apparently

my show

playing

told

I

him

I

already

knew.

Whenever it.

been so I

could

I

stepped out onto the stage and began to dance in

my own

the light of

with

I

much

feel

his questions

had

seemed

to

mingle

was doing and what he had

somehow gone home

finally

that his "spiritual

from

I

a part of creating.

that he had

felt

spot, Christopher's light

him enjoy what

his confusion

to a place

where

all

been answered and he was reassuring

game plan" was

well into play.

He was

of

me

released

and pain and terror and knew exactly what he

was doing.

We As

all

for

shower of

adjusted to his leaving in our

me, whenever

light, looking

I

think of him

own I

down on me while

418

see I

ways.

him dancing

dance in mine.

in a

T,

o be skeptical of

described

is

understandable.

one thing.

for

I

knew

happen, yet what fully

to

I

it

I

was suspicious,

me

have

I

too, at first, except

happened to me. Perhaps

experienced led

all

I

wanted

to understand even

it

to

more

what the new physicists and ancient mystics were attempting

reconcile

in

their

own minds:

the

of consciousness.

reality

Aside from suddenly seeming to speak the same language, they

seemed

to be

on the brink of agreeing that even the

nothing but consciousness. That the universe and just

be one giant, collective "thought."

information stored in our

own

And

was

really only

else's.

cos?nos

itself

was

might

that every bit of

consciousness was cross-referenced

with every other bit of information, not only but in everyone

God

in

our consciousness

That the "reality" of the physical universe

holographic

memory

patterns in our

That time period upon time period

lives

on

patterns of our mental and bodily consciousness.

419

in

own minds. memory

the

MacLaine

Shirley

The hologram of

that consciousness enables us to feel one

We

with the universe and one with everything we've experienced. are

in

who

multidimensional beings

"reality"

each reflect the

totality of the whole. I

my

believe

intense search for self was motivated by the

intuitive certainty that in myself lay the reflections of all there

was. That

all

my

truth curiosities

know

world were in

curiosities regarding the outside

I

had about myself.

If

1

could know me,

could

I

the universe.

As the new physics and the ancient mystics now seemed agree

—when one

sees that

we

observes the world and the beings within

own

are in fact only dancing with our

Everything we

feel,

think,

everything everyone else

and act upon

and

thinks,

feels,

is

it,

consciousness.

with

interrelated

upon.

acts

to

one

We

are

all participating in the dance.

When

began

I

the knowledge that will

made me

to see the

we

all

world with karmic consciousness,

create our

own

paths of our

recognize the cosmic justice in everything.

stood that there was a purposeful good in

own I

under-

occurrences

all

free

if I

allowed them to provide a path of experience and understanding.

The

understanding and realization of

total

me

require eons for

achieved,

For to

we

me

call

my

self

might

that awareness

is

God.

deny that Divine Force now would be tantamount

to

denying that

exist.

I

I

hiow that

I

know that the God-source

Since

But when

will be aligned completely with that unseen Divine

I

Force that

to accomplish.

I

am

I

exist, therefore

AM.

part of that force, then

To me, understanding understanding

I

exists.

spiritual

scientific principles.

are searching for the

Therefore IT /

that

principles

/ is

AM. identical

The two approaches

same answer: What

420

AM

IS.

is

God.-*

to

to truth

Dancing

believe that one day

I

sitting together

As

me

far as

When

I

my own life When

have a question,

teacher. It

When

I

feel

concerned,

is

I

direct

my

soul. It

out of touch with

peaceful and meditate until

I

my

get in trouble,

I

my

the master of

is

and theologians will be

scientists

on top of the same mountain of knowledge.

moment.

every

in the Light

am

higher self I

is

with

consult with

inquiry to

it.

It

is

it.

my

is ffie.

it,

I

take the time to be

aligned with

it

again.

The flowing, nourishing, knowing awareness of my own being

is

anyone

as essential to

tor

One

else.

When life,

as air.

it

is

it

cannot prove to

know

its

existence to

it.

possible to understand the reason

why we do what we

my

I

has to experience

that happens,

anything, in to

me

do.

But more important than

experience the purpose for continuing

is

simply

understand SELF. The dance within and the dance without are

mtertwined. The Dance and the Dancer are One.

421