Confessions of a Late Night Talk Show Host: The Autobiography of Larry Sanders [1 ed.] 9780671029104

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Citation preview

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LARRY

SANDERS

. ... ' .... Can. $34.00

Conftssions of a UJtt Night Talk Show Host is

a Hollywood tell-al l that will forever change the nature of this kind of book. While Geraldo Rivera used his sexual exploits to shamelessly promote

W

ith the wit and chann and wit that have

his book, Sanders uses his conquests of thousands

made him one of America·s most

of women to illustrate his compassion and grace.

beloved, and now most sorely missed,

" If it sells, it sells," Sanders says. ''There was

television personalities, l.any Sanders tells here the

never a hidden agenda." While Roseanne used her

story behind the man- Larry-from his emotionally

book to promote her many personalities, Sanders's

barren beginnings in Mound, Minnesota, 10 his ten-

book shows how a strnight-shooter can not only

year run as the man millions went to bed with every

survive but thrive in Ho llywood. Most of all,

nigJ1t. (He had a very big bed.) Confessions ofa late

Sanders, in truthfully disclosing all aspects o r his

Night Talk Show Host is a Hollywood autobiogra-

life and those of people he has never met, hopes to

phy like no other because it reveals all- the loves

heal and entcnain. Sanders has written a wonder-

and losses. the pain and joy, the shrinks and doc-

fully hilarious book that will make some of his

tors-and it is uproariously funny. Larry Sanders

fans wish he were back.

has wriuen a book that will have the same ten-year run that his show did. l.any Sanders is no ordinary man, and this

book will show America and the world how very different he is. Fueled by an enormous need

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be

loved and gifted with a tulent beyond even his own, Sanders has risen to the top of his field- and dropped-while retaining all of his dignity and modesty. As he says on the first page of his story, "I' m famous.Actually, I'm ,-ery, ,-cry, very famous.'' Sanders's story is laced with the names (and some of the faces) of the thousands of celebrities who THIS TITL6 Al.SO AVAIL.AILI!. fl• O~ SIMOJ'II ii SCH USTER AUDIO

have sought his ancntion for a decade-and Sanders tells the world what he thinks of all of them. e,•en if it huns his own feelings.

VISIT US ON THf: WORLD WIO II Wl!B

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JACK IT PHOTOORA,H t Y DAUYL UUINE PIUNTl!,0 ltf TIii~ US A. COPYll10 IIT O 1991 S IMOl'f .t SCHU&'fElt

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SIMON &SCHUSTER Rockefeller Center l ZJ0 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020

This book is a work orlict.ion. In some instances real people are mentioned and placed in locales. where they may not have been, uttering words which they did not actually speak. All references to real people were written by the author and arc entirely imaginary.

CopyrightO 1998 by Ho"'• ~ly Hair, Inc. All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. SIMON & ScHusrER and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.

Design and interior pl'oduction by Robert Bull Design Manufactured in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 6 4 3 2 1

l.,ibra.ry of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Oat.a is available. ISBN 0-6$1-81204-5 Photographs on pages 136,140, 144-146, 14&-147.148-149, 150-151, 152-153, 154-155, 170,171, 172-17'J, 174-175, 17&-177, 182- 183, 191, 1~ 196, 198, 200-201, 20!, 205, 208-200, Md 210-211 by Bernard Fallon, Q Home Bo, Office, A Division ofTime Warner Entertainment Company, L.P. Photographs on pages 134-135, 187, 188-189, 141, 142--143, 16&-157, 158-159, 160--16 1, 162-163, 164- 165, 166-167, 168-169, 178-179, 180--181, 184-185, 18&-187, 188-189, 190, 192--193, 196, 197, 199, 202--203, 206-207, 212,213, 214-215, and 216 by Larry Watson, 10 Home Box Office, A Oivi~ion of Time Warner Entertainment Company, i.,.P. Photograph of television set copyright e 1998 Photodisc Inc.

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HY A~I I WR ITING THIS AUTOBIOgraphy now? Because I'm Larry Sanders. I'm famous. Actually, I'm very, very, very famous, but the publisher said that title wouldn't fit on the cover of the book. Who wouldn't be famous if they hosted a late night network talk show opposite David Letterman and Jay Leno, and, before them, opposite Johnny Carson? I've been in the talk show game now for fifteen years, and while Arsenio Hall, Chevy Chase, Dick Cavett, Magic John-

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CONFESS IONS OF A LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST

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Griffin, Mike Douglas, Alan Thicke, Pat Sajak, and even Johnny Carson have all had what they think were successful runs, I outlasted them all. I was on the air until just six months ago. It seems like only yesterday that I said good-bye to all of you on my finale, mainly because I've had only one good night's sleep since. I toss and turn for hours until I realize that making salad isn't going to relax me. I have been flooded with letters that scream, "Larry, we miss you!" "Larry, don't leave us!" "Mr. Sanders, we need more of you!" Okay, that was just one letter, but I am sure the post office lost millions more that contain the exact same message, and there are probably another five to ten million fans who wrote similar letters but were embarrassed to mail them or couldn't afford the postage. That would be a total of close to twelve million letters. Perhaps I had left too soon. I never considered that my television audience was so codependent, so unable to function \\1thout me-in other words, so sexy. It is with a deep sense of compassion and cai;ng about others and with no ego whatsoever that I come back to you just like Jesus did, to speak to you one last time about something even more 1iveting than that of which Jesus spoke: show business and all the gossip and dirt and rumors that I have accumulated over a lifetime. And two thousand yeai-s from now, after translation upon translation of my book, who knows how I will finally be perceived? Maybe I'll be thought of as the real Son of God.

To answer the question I am asked most, "What makes you a television star and not me?" My response: "Huge psychological dysfunction." I am driven to be loved by everyone. Only the Olsen twins want it more. On television, you can be loved by millions of people; in fact, there is an expression, "making love to the camera," which refers to the idea of seducing the audience right through the lens, and the actor ultimately making love to them and then packing up and going home. I want to put your mind at ease by telling you that for the last ten yea1-s I have been making love to you through the camera every night, and on all but two of those nights, I wore a condom. Those two nights I was drunk and forgot. Son-y. The first time I ever considered telling my life story was a few years ago, when Roseanne appeai-ed on my show to promote her book My Lives. I'd spent five minutes reading it cover to cover in the makeup chair before airtime, and when I put it down I said to our makeup man, "Well, this isn't that good. I could do better than this. My life is more interesting than all of her lives put together. Dammit, my nose is still shining. Do something, you bastard!" "Then maybe you can get a couple of bucks for it at the used bookstore, you asshole," said Roseanne, sliding into the makeup chair next to me. She'd lost so much weight since her last appearance that I hadn't noticed her come in. I quickly dropped her book in my lap and picked

LARRY

SANDERS

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LARRY SANDERS

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CONFESSIONS OF A LATE NIGHT Tf