Coming out of the ice: An unexpected life [Hardcover ed.] 0151432880, 9780151432882

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Coming Out of the Ice An Unexpected Life By Victor Heri\ian

To our viewers:

This book is a special edition of COMING OUT OF THE ICE prepared especially for Dr. D. James Kennedy and Coral Ridge Ministries. ,

Expletives have been deleted and replaced with an asterisk (*). It should be noted, however, that the expletives were not those of They were inserted the author. by the publisher. Certain portions of this book are somewhat sensual in nature which we and others may find objectionable. But, like the affair of David and Bathsheba, these passages need to be considered in the light and context of the entire message. Please also note that Victor Herman's original manuscript contained an account of his conversion to Christ. This portion was deleted by the publisher Out of millions of Americans, God raised up this one man to live through this experience and share with ue the story of his Imprisonment and torture in the Soviet Union.

CORAL RIDGE MINISTRIES

Special Edition of

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

Prepared especially for

D.

James Kennedy, Ph.D.

and Coral Ridge

Ministries

NOTE: Certain language has been removed from this "*" cenbook at the request of Dr. Kennedy. An tered in a blank space will indicate that expletives

have been deleted.

—

"Herman's tale is awful and heartening awful that anyone should have undergone such things, and heartening that he did and endured. This book is sure to take its place alongside Solzhenitsyn and Koestler's darkness at noon." William F. Buckley, Jr. Vyatlag was a frozen-over graveyard

A modem It's

a

Smith-Richardson Foundation

classic

tremendous story of courage and love. Frank Konigsberg (producer)

Never have read

A. Solzhenitsyn

I

read a book so important. Every American should

Charlie Hujf

it

The mightiest men in history should humble themselves shadow of your deeds. Dennis M. Every reader of your book is your brother or ond to none except the bible.

Your book

is

noble.

The

best.

worthy of you and your family.

am

I

I

sister.

ICE

Norman

in the

Rilley

is

sec-

Sayles

hope America proves itself you in humility. Mrs. R. S. G orski

salute

myself with other people's feelings. Rev. Harold J. Wright Help America Understand. I

blind so

I

identify

COMING OUT an unexpected

illustrations

FREEDOM PRESS

Ltd.

by Mary Ellen Dohrs

OKLAHOMA

CITY,

OKLAHOMA

NOTE: Certain languoge has been removed from this book An "*" centered in a blank space will indicate that expletives have been deleted.

life

OF THE ICE by Victor Herman

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

A FREEDOM PRESS BOOK PRINTING HISTORY Harcourt Brace Javanovich Edition Published 1979

Freedom Press Edition/October 1983

November 1983 November 1983

2nd printing 3rd printing 5th printing

January 1984 January 1984

6th printing

March 1984

4th printing

Copyright

©

1979 by Victor Herman

All rights reserved.

No

part of this publication

may

be reproduced or trans-

mitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including

photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

FREEDOM

PRESS,

Ltd.

OK

5823 Mosteller Drive, Oklahoma City, (405) 843-1561 Printed in the United States of

73112

America

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Herman, Victor.

Coming 1.

Herman,

prisoners I.

out of the ice. Victor.

2.

Americans

— Russia — Biography.

in

Russia

Title.

DK34.A45H47 ISB.N

0-915031-02-7

947.08 [B]

78-14075

— Biography.

3.

Political

I

dedicate this

book

to the people of the United States

and the people of the Soviet Union,

came

my

to

me

in the

one and

will

to the

come again

woman who to me in the other,

Siberian wife Galina, and to the daughters that are ours,

Svetlana and Janna.

My

debts are

many and

great and cannot be redeemed.

They

are

and Helen Herman, to Rebecca and Jack Kemsley, to Bob Greenstein, to Gayle Benderoff. There is another person whose connection with this book is abespecially considerable to David. Harry. Shael.

solute, but

because he asks that his name not be cited. I will enter and state the wish of the father that

the initials of his son. A. A. L.. the

boy one day read herein,

to

know

the heart of a

man.

V.H.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS who, realizing the plight of COMING OUT

SPECIAL To

those daring people

OF THE

ICE, aware of obvious efforts of the Russian Secret Service

to suppress its printing

and distribution and

PTIEEDOM PRESS, my grateful thanks.

those founders of

Ron Laytner

—

Victor Herman, Southfield, Michigan

Jerr>'

1983

still

came

to

my

help

Womack. Ed Kopp and

The

real

still

living

names

of

many people mentioned

have been changed to preserve

in this

book who

their privacy.

are

PROLOGUE Who

chooses for you? Or chose?

My

me

father chose for

me to He had

— and because

was

in

my

father.

this

dream chose him. All

his life

love with,

an idea,

loved him with

all it

him.

let

I

I

What he had was held him

it

in its

a dream, and

hand.

—

He went where it took him and he took me with him. To Russia. In 1931. From here, from where I write this, from Detroit, to Russia.

No, he did not take me

My I

man

I

I

was

loved that man. it

made me

what a son

is

It

follow.

— and

that

it

would follow him anywhere.

I

sixteen.

would do

I

followed.

I

Sam Herman?

father?

was a boy.

sixty-three,

where

—

I

am

sixty-three

now. Even now, a

still.

did not matter what his

Going where your

was

my

dream was

father goes?

dream, to be a son to

I

say

—

or

it

is

Sam Herman.

He's dead now. But his dream died long before he did. They killed

it

for him.

—

but my father never knew me away from my father, and they murdered the years of my youth. They took me away for eighteen years when I was little more than a boy, and when they let me go my father was dead. There was no boy left in me when they let me go but even then they did not really let me go. I lived forty-five years in Russia.

They

killed his

how much. The

son for him too

Russians took

—

How

do

I tell

Was

Who

it

me

— and

that time?

nothing but time as

gave

vaults of Spets

north

you about

me

life

gives

a year in Cell 39?

Korpus?

Who

called

me

it

to

Who

you

to live?

delivered

me

into the hole in the frost north of Yeniseysk?

the year under

snow? And gave

it

into the

forth into the Lagers of the

also to

my

wife and

Who my

gave

child?

— COMING OUT OF THE

Who summoned me Victor Herman,

You

my

a

it is

and

life,

smoke,

life like

That

to earth.

And

written in the sky.

nodded and

pilot

down.

jumped.

It

was the longest

They cheered. They father went and

and then

in

Russia

fall.

way down. followed.

I

was the Lindbergh of Russia a slave. You follow, and

I

was an American and

I

— and whatever

the going gives

you

to say about

than that. Except to

it

a

life

read the smoke before

is

it

LUCKIES. One

it is,

there

nothing more

is

what happened

tell

—except

to

gone.

used to look into the sky when

writing

Lindbergh of Russia!

said, look, the

ate an apple all the

My

I

that's that.

LUCKIES

like

was a deadfall from sky

pointed

I

said,

father that did that.

follow, and

was a

it

1

beckoned and

followed him.

It

then

Who

for eighteen years?

eat rat?

was not

It

I

ICE

when

time

was a boy.

I

I

saw a plane

was a boy they printed

I

LUCKIES

over the sky of Detroit.

word and

kept on looking and looking. But in time the air turned,

and the

I

letters

My

were gone

life is like

that

—

watched that plane make that

smoke

just

now

I

— almost

daughters will look, and the thing that I

make

this

that signified nothing. all lost it

smoke. One day

signified will

record for them, then

—words

my

be gone.

that won't

blow

And I make it for anyone who will look. A man lived oh ... a life. He began as a son, a boy willing to follow. An American.

away.

—

dreamer

like his father.

One summer

LUCKIES. He

looked into the sky and saw an airplane write

who

thought he was the only one

A

afternoon in Detroit that boy

saw.

He

thought,

it's

writing for

me, that airplane. It is I

how

was

Detroit.

a

boy

thinks.

forty-five years in

I sit

Russia and

at a table as I write this.

stands against the window. But sit.

I

I

now

There

is

I

am

room in The table

in a

a window.

cannot see the sky from where

I

don't want to. It is

on

this page.

Look! Look up! I

am

writing this for

my

daughters.

everyone. Will you be the only one

who

sees?

I

am

writing this

for

PART

1_

THE BOY WHO WENT OUT:

FROM IRONWOOD STREET TO SPETS KORPUS

ONE It

is

two potatoes,

like

how

is

a baked potato

There

snow, crazily

in the

1

re-

a birch, resting there

her the one

is,

it

my

Look!

falls.

life

A

— from

a tree, frozen and barren,

potato has grown on a birch tree.

Siberia, north of Yeniseysk, in the chop-out, in the

in

chopped

I

has happened to me, that

of the snow.

lid

That

hole

What

life.

warm and heavy from

vealed there, dropped

on the

my

a second potato found

live at all, is like

in the

knew.

I

fairy tales, not any.

snow,

My But

told

I

my

mother and I

knew

daughter a fairy

tale.

told

I

father, they did not tell

one, and

I

what

told

I

my w ife

Galina told the ones that she knew, and together,

me

knew, and

and

I,

we

kept on telling that baby stories to keep the cold back and the

hunger

too.

My

wife and

I,

we took

we

cold, told

and held her very

that child against us

hard and told and told whatever we knew.

When

told about Cinderella.

that

When

that

baby was

baby was hungry, we

about Cinderella. But that baby was always cold and always

hungry

— and

Cinderella

My

all

we always

my

baby,

one year.

My

When

told

baby

firstborn,

lived

my

one year

Svetlana, lived in that chop-out in that cold.

she could talk, Sveta would say, "Story, Papa," and

me with her eyes. But she did not have to say now was when I had to take her against me and Once upon I

hunger

could in

and then about

about Cinderella

over again.

When

the cold

her was blazing, dear

.

it

.

I

.

fix

to know-

.

.

much and

could always

the

tell.

a time there uas a beautiful girl and her

Once upon But then

*

.

her was too

in

me

begin again.

a time there was a beautiful girl

tell.

was Cinderella

it

for

name

.

did not

work anymore, and

I

could

tell

that too.

COMING OUT OF THE It

was then

I

ICE

thought to

about America.

tell

think about America. But

had not wanted

I

to

began.

I

was a place called America "Tell America, Papa," my child would say when she could

Once upon a time

there

.

.

.

talk.

told about Detroit.

I

In America there

a beautiful

is

and

city

it

is

called Detroit.

There are buildings there and houses and people with

and

it is

warm

always very

always warm and the\ eat the wonderful food there

"Two

all

is

.

.

people are

and you cannot believe

the time,

to eat

fine clothes,

in Detroit the

"Two

.

my child. Two potatoes. Oh my, they eat wonderful

things

potatoes, sweetheart?

cream and cake and cookies and roast beef and

ice

all

potatoes, Papa?"

She said that every time,

—

There

there.

sorts of

all

."

chops and

.

.

"Two

potatoes, Papa?"

She would

me

fix

with her eyes, eyes that are very blue, like

mine.

Two

my

*

Oh, dear

potatoes.

"Yes,

.

sweetheart, two potatoes. In the beautiful city of

Detroit, everyone has a second potato."

There against me, It

chop-out

in the I

would

say, "Yes,

was unimaginable.

Two

a fairy tale dare go.

So, for

you

words

see,

it

my

to set

the

is

story

my

^

my

in Siberia,

wife and child held hard

sweetheart, two potatoes."

was the outer

It

limit of magic, as far as

What could be more

potatoes.

same thing again down,

to

been. Talking to you

is

like saying yes, yes,

two potatoes

tell

like talking to

the

fantastic?

me now, searching crazy thing my life has for

Sveta there

— because

in the

chop-out,

that child could

not

imagine anything 'more.

Say that

my

then

life is like that,

and hideous, a thing

that

fell

from a

—

tree

a second potato,

wondrous

onto the wide and furious

snow.

My

father

was these

They

was a

lived in Detroit,

sixteen years old

In 1976

I

laborer, a Socialist, a unionist.

My

mother

things too.

I

and

I

went with them

was born to Russia,

there,

and when

and that was

returned to the United States, to the city of

my

in

I

was

1931.

birth.

VICTOR

HERMAN

I

was an American

I

was a hero

and a slave

the Soviet

in

in the Soviet

Union

for forty-five years.

Union, and then

the Soviet Union, and through

in

My

father

and buried

in

dream

his father's

dead now, and so

is

is

this

all

American, a boy from Detroit who went where

him and who paid what

was a prisoner

I

I

was an

his parents

took

cost.

my

mother. They are dead

Gorky. But you cannot see the grave

sites.

A

factory

covers them now.

My

brother Leo

is

dead

my

sister

Rebecca

wife, there too.

And

/ live

—Miriam

And my

—

I,

too, hanged,

But

also lies buried in Russia.

my

there,

sister

and by

Miriam

Rebecca here

daughters, they live

Victor Herman,

still

own

his

He

hand.

and so does

lives,

— and Galina,

my

—Svetlana and Janna.

live.

Oh, I remember when they tapped the message. I will always remember when they tapped the message. It was tapped from cell to cell. Victor

And

I

Herman

lived to tap

dead.

is

back

But Red Loon is dead remember or never know.

How many And how

died and

they lived

Listen:

I

am

is

/

am

— and

how

Victor Herman.

so

many whose names

did they die?

It is like

I

will

never

three potatoes.

like four.

Victor Herman, and

what

this is

my

life

has been.

TWO My

was four months old when her mother carried her north and found me there dug into the snow. It was hard, what that child had. But it was hard before her too. My father was Sam, firstborn

Samuel, born

in the

Rose Rukhamin,

Ukraine

also

born

in

in

1886, and

my mother was

the Ukraine, two years

These people were Jews, and the

living

Rose,

after.

was hard. They were

Jews, and there were pogroms, and the living was very hard. father labored

—

carpentry

—

and he read. This led to

time he was a

member

of a radical organization.

them,

people,

a

these

group

of

Jewish

He

that,

My

and

in

ran errands for

revolutionaries

— they

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

worked

called themselves Social Democrats, and they

Russian Revolution. This was 1904, 1905, ried guns.

He

him a gunrunner

call

—but he was

revolutionaries,

how was

units

— and

his

someone

in

all

—

It

was

He

get the guns,

make

over with straw, and

him and put him had been

already, before that, he

then they caught him again. errands.

know

stole.

his

charge.

In time the Czarist police caught

was okay

He would

job was delivery.

put them in a wagon, cover them delivery to

Anyway,

don't

I

he would get those guns. Did he steal? Perhaps he a kid, really

that

father car-

and carry whatever he got

these radicals he knew.

to

My

first

suppose you would

I

afraid of them, of guns.

Army

he would get the guns from to the

in there.

took them from here to there.

for the

It

in jail.

But

in prison.

But

was for doing more than running

for organizing a meeting of revolutionaries.

They

put him in prison again, and this time they sentenced him to be

hanged. told

me

He was

just a kid, really,

when

this

I

was a

and he says he didn't care.

kid, that

He

he didn't care about hanging

or shooting or anything that brought death. But the revolutionaries got

him

out,

worked out some kind of escape

for

him

—

thirty rubles,

a false passport, passage into Switzerland.

He carried a letter introducing him, and Sam Herman moved made his way up the ranks. He believed in everything, and he was fearless. They sent him to Germany and to Italy and at last they sent him to England, and there he set up rallies in Hyde Park. But in 1909 he came to the United States, and not long after up,

—

my mother

came, and they got married in New York and then Rose and Sam moved out to Detroit, here, to the beautiful American city where I am telling all this and Sam started organizing the

—

auto workers.

unions

—Red unions

It it

here was trying to build up trade

they called them in those days.

was underground work,

secret work.

I

guess you could say

was dangerous work. was born

I

to

What he was doing

tell

into that

—

into the family

and times

I

am

trying

you about.

Sam Herman

had,

all

was primary school and chiefly,

told, three years of

in Russia.

not a big man, but powerful

they were powerful too. five of us, tightly,

He

— and

it

held them as he held his family, the

because they were

Anyway, he came

schooling

He was what I said, a laborer in the arms. And his principles, his

and he believed

to Detroit. Detroit

in

them.

was where the workers

— VICTOR HERMAN

my

were, and

father

understood things

—

came here

Herman's idea of Socialism.

to unite them.

and the good

fairness

was a simple

It

And

all. It was Sam Sam Herman, my

idea.

was a simple man, and he was dogged

father,

was the way he

It

for

life

in his convictions.

—

came to Detroit to work in the auto industry as a carpenter and among the men as a unionist. I knew right from the start what my father stood for. He'd come home torn and bloody from a fight, and sure, like any father, he'd try to hide his bleeding from his children, but we found out so he

and found out why. Rebecca,

my

brother, and me, we'd see our

mother holding Sam's head over the

kitchen sink, leaning

on and

down

older

to him, her small

and we found out why

his face,

sister,

— and

my

and Leo,

older

hands bathing water

heard them whispering,

we heard came to mean things. What did But when it's your father, what don't you really

time the words

in

we know, know?

really?

You know And when

everything.

was seven, Sam took Rebecca and me

I

Hall, a meeting, workers, Socialists that night.

thought

this

we

joined the Pioneers

was 1922.

It

never thought

I

— and

to Finnish

we were

Herman

us

different,

kids.

was America, my home, and everybody was

I

just

like us

even Henry Ford. There was Mr. Ford and Mrs. Ford and Mr.

Herman and Mrs. Herman and all with, and we were just Americans. As

for the people

my

don't

father almost once every week,

they were, but

I

guess

Leo was born years after

me. Did

in

I

I

kids

the

didn't think they

ever think

always

played

who

beat up

know what

were

real

we were

different?

I

thought

Americans.

1911, Rebecca in 1913, and then

— and then Miriam, Rose Miriam

I

I

I

came, two

actually, ten years after

That we

led a life that

wasn't just like what America wanted? I

my

did not.

forties

think

— and

when

woman

never knew a thing like that until

I

I

if

tell

until I

you

was

Sex? Girls?

that

know why

Why

I

was well

seems remarkable to you, what

that

I

will

into

you

did not have sexual relations with a

thirty-four?

Women? When you know what my

Three potatoes. will

I

say that. Sex!

should the

Herman

It

life

was

like,

you

was unimaginable.

kids feel different? Like ours, the

other kids' fathers worked at Fisher

Body or

at

Wadsworth or

at

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

10

came home bloody. We all went to camp and sang the same

Ford's. Like ours, their fathers

Pioneers together and to the workers'

songs about fairness and the good kids did

on

— and

was play

it

for

life

What

all.

up posters and

for us, putting

and signs on telephone poles and anywhere

trees,

did

I

else

the

all

stickers

we could

find.

when I was about play was getting more like work, Later on,

jobs to do, the Socialists

was delivery

—

that

it

was

—running errands

my

just like

father's before

when

was fourteen, they

I

— — and

those things around delivering

troit,

would beat me up any boy,

like

delivering. I'd

me.

when

I

use a car and

go alone, driving

It

job

all

my

got I

drove

over De-

was an adventure

—

who and,

it.

Leo never helped.

I

about any of these things becca, she helped.

me

my

used to run stacks

I

got to see there were people out there

they caught me.

if

liked

I

I

let

They gave me

serious.

mainly. In fact

of pamphlets and films from here to there, and license,

could see that

thirteen, I guess, I

We

know why. Leo, he

don't

— and Miriam was

were

close,

just didn't care

baby then. Re-

just a

Rebecca and

Odd, that among

I.

Rebecca was the one who stayed behind, the

the four of us kids,

one who did not go

I

to Russia when we went. Leo was handsome, and he knew it. I, Victor, was tough, and knew that too. I ran a lot and later on I boxed. And I could

—

And

fight. if

I

had

more agile

would

I

to.

I

did

and

I

I

Street.

— — and

had

was good

I

— and

it

member, when

I

was

let's quit,

didn't stop.

I

I

just

if

it

to

how

was born on Henry

it

surprised

in sight

I

that

was strong and

I

was,

tired.

— what did

Street

anyone

after

energy

this

anyone said he was

never got tired

go

the rougher they were, the

Whatever

was endless,

nine, ten,

I'd

at these things.

liked to use myself.

and would do

kid said

if

the sports

all

liked them.

I

fight

could do

I

me.

in

was

if

I

can

it

re-

some other

Me, I ran mean?

— and

I

and from there we went to Ferry

Later on we moved to Ironwood. But

Ironwood and

it

I had my first fight on was because we were Jews. The Goldmanns, our

next-door neighbors, they threw rocks in our windows, and some-

—

how I found out that was why because we were Jews. But I remember now how I found out, because I remember that my dad went out

in the

yard and scolded them and they called back Dirty

Jews! The Goldmann boys were waiting for

me when

I

went out too,

VICTOR HERMAN

my

following

H Sam. They smacked me with pieces of a fence,

father

Michael and Stephen. Michael was Leo's age, but Leo stayed fought them.

I

Then

two cousins came, Joseph and

their

four of them. First

every day. I

inside.

Then

it

could beat the

beat them one by one.

I

got so

*

could take on

I

out of those boys,

all all

So there were

Philip.

had

I

do

to

four of them together.

four at once.

way boys are, we were all great friends after that. and after that there were lots I was a tough kid

—

guess

I

I

thought

complaining about

home

with

would

tell

the idea

it

my my

my

father approved.

but

my

My

And

mother was always

come

father never said a word. I'd

dad. But he never

came

to

the

of fights.

my

nose or something broken, and that night

me about

mother

and

it,

got

I

was okay with him.

went on

I

it,

that almost

By now

I

fighting.

couldn't stop

— because

and there were kids who wanted

to try

the

word had got around,

me, kids

at

school and from

And then there were the little me and ask me to fight for them, and it

neighborhoods that were far away. kids

who would come

to

some

got so that every day after school I'd have to walk It's

now, fellows

much

to

New

I

used to walk

who

used to

home

kid

home.

are rich

men

pretty well off here in Detroit. But they won't

do with me now

now, pensioned

Dave,

of the kids

me. They don't want any part of me.

talk to

old

Some who are

funny.

one

from her job with us

in

at

GM,

and

wants

really

—except Rebecca, who's here

of!

live

No

in Detroit,

my

cousin

the old days and then went

to

Orleans.

But

my

daughters are with

that thought every hour,

coming.

make

If

and

she could follow

I

me

me

— and Galina

now? Not anything.

coming.

north through the snow,

that distance with an infant in her

into the frozen wilderness

is

will not stop believing

it:

if

I

have

Galina

is

she could

arms and keep on going

beyond Yeniseysk, what could stop her

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

12

THREE was

It

People

deliveries.

they

But

why

sports— and

all

my

and

it,

No

don't, either.

fighting

me

—but

never thought so

I

it,

my

and doing

who knew me

then, at the

me now. They

these people are afraid of

want any part of

hear about I

was

see in Detroit now, people

I

that's not

just don't

tell

it

say they were afraid of

all

time.

me

sports, for

They don't want

what's aged me.

to

daughters don't, and no one really does, and

one wants a part of

You

this.

can go so far as to

about two potatoes, but three? Four?

make you

I'm trying to

and

quiet.

had nothing everything

mind

in

a

bad

A

kid.

exactly.

I

was

—

a neigh-

wanted

I

much

pretty

was

I

dreamer, mostly

have much of an idea of what

didn't

I

boy

see the kind of

borhood tough, maybe, but not

that

to be. I

way about

—everything and anything was okay. Skywriting was

the

remember that got all the way to me. It must have been 1927 when I saw it, saw that thing happening in the sky. It was the first time saw it, and liked it. I thought, well, that's what I want to do write in the sky like that. I remember just how it was, one thing

I

I

I

—

up there against the blue sheet the sky was that

the letters chalked

LUCKIES.

day

myself

—

1

suppose that was the

life

Somehow

ever really picked any.

if I

I

picked out for

I

was going

to get to

write in the sky.

Which a picture

raises another thing

of.

My

strange, like clear sky. light blue

notice

it

— and

think

I

They're not usual eyes I

me

say / said

I

have lived

in

code,

— and

to return

Herman

in

in

maybe

I

was

like writing

everywhere go

to

worth giving you

here,

*

.

in

I

mean, they're People

distracts them.

it

should be glad they're not. I

often

wonder what

it

those others didn't,

all

is

in

how

home,

English, the

Russian and

a hard piece of soap, tapping It

that's

maybe

.upsets them, or

I

Victor

me

sort of uninterrupted.

wonder how I got through. made me so got through and

am

it

it

and

often

that

could

about

eyes. They're like that, like sky.

safe, fed, and warm, to same man who back then

code, tapping out the letters with

on that wall

LUCKIES

/

am

on the

Look! Over here.

/

Victor

sky. Let

am

Victor

Herman. them

all

Herman.

over

VICTOR HERMAN

My

may have helped. They may have been a part me through. I don't know. It is my quiet, too, I someAnd I am strong. I have never been afraid not afraid

eyes, they

of what got

—

times think.

work or

to

afraid to fight.

Nor do

fear.

13

now because things. What do this! And

I

thought of was what was put

I

did

—and

it

— whatever was

after that

and then another

how

that

I

When

I

—

stop

me. Here,

must be done, then mind, the doing

whatever

know

I

did things fast and

I

—

I

this

was, was done.

it

don't know.

would do

until

it

if

knew

I

and he ran

And when

didn't hit

I

I

ran.

was good

I

stole Leo's car

I

and even so

just ran

he did,

only

that

is

it

made no

hit

him home, holding him

I

was eleven and he was

then I'd stop to

it,

too.

him catch

let

up running again and then stop again I

to

just stood there, waiting.

me.

I

just

I

took him by the

turned him around and walked

I

like that.

1929.

in

that means.

It

My

dad was blacklisted

that

means no work. He'd been

— hanging doors —but he was — he couldn't work. But about a year doing something with Ford's — not working Body

Fisher

short runs

home, he came

angry he did not

me and

— and

Things started changing

You know what

at all the

I

like this, so

anymore and

me

around.

could beat him up and he knew

after

go

liked to

all

it

he caught me. I

I'd start

sense

I

and brought

him or anything when he got

arms so he wouldn't

year.

it

my

in front of

I

never seen him angry

I'd

think what he fifteen,

up.

If

in

/ will

never thought of those

stole Leo's car and drove

And

fast.

Like when

me.

I

was

thing, until

thing.

was eleven,

went pretty

really

in track.

But

was.

it

that

got through?

Speed was another

after

all

I

am.

I

fast.

do not think about

never thought:

I

cannot go one step more.

it

Is that

I ^vill die.

I

would do

how

I

think of death.

I

never thought: Non-

I

think, because

It is, I

at

got blacklisted, and that

then

that

get

later

he started

there, actually, but hang-

ing around.

and

fifteen, at I

my

I

I

sports

knew

didn't

— and

that

know what

was doing

my

still

father

my

it

fighting.

was

was

all

about

at the start. I

deliveries for the Socialists

all

I

was busy with

this

and

of a sudden at Ford's a

something or other there. Off he went

in the

that, lot,

table,

at night,

Ford's, but he wasn't putting

on

his

work

but

doing

morning and there he

and suddenly there was plenty of food on the and that was after a year when there had been hardly any And there was another new thing too. My father was going

was

was

and keeping

clothes. All

my

at

all.

off to

life

all

I

COMING OUT OF THE

my

ever saw was

by

14

dad doing work you put on work clothes

— and by and by

But now he wasn't little

ICE

to do.

the kids noticed that, and

all

he told us what was what.

little

There were Russians

Ford's and he was helping the Ameri-

at

cans talk to the Russian^ and the Russians talk to the Americans.

He

he was helping with "negotiations," but maybe

said

interpreting that he

good

as

as

Oh,

fair.

it

was doing. After

it

was only

he could speak Russian

all,

anybody, and his English must have been more than

must have been

—because

he must have been like

it

me

when

with languages, easy with whatever he hears, a quick learner

know my dad was fast in German and Yiddish and and Finnish. And of course he had his Russian and his

comes

Polish

to that. I

English.

Not many people know about after

happened. What

it

then with the Russians. it

mean

I

It

is

even today, so

many

years

Ford's did business back

didn't matter

what the

politics

were;

only mattered where the marketplace was. Henry Ford was

for

he thought

it;

it

much

notion pretty

was a great idea to themselves.

and the idea with Ford's was mostly

and a whole

Model T

the in

it,

how

lot of

in

—

But they were doing business, to sell jigs

and dies and patterns

old machinery. Ford's was already set up to

Russia even before the Revolution

in

1930, the idea was to provision a motor plant

the Soviets could produce the

going

in

1917, and now,

Gorky so that Model A. The Five Year Plan got it,

and the

Russians were here to buy what they needed, and Ford's was

I

it

sell

in

1928, and this was right in the middle of

My father helped

all

yet Ford's mainly kept the

selling.

happen.

never saw him happier.

He saw

that he

it

was doing something

for the

good of the

Making Russia strong meant making Socialism work, and that was for the good of everyone everywhere because didn't that mean there would be more fairness for everyone and the good life world.

—

for all?

He

never used to

tell

us

much about

he was talking, talking more and more. thing, all excited

about a

his

work, Sam. But

He was dream coming true. He

like a kid

told us

with

now this

more about

it every day, and then he told us Henry Ford himself, that famous worker and famous American, was coming to our house! I guess

we too.

all It

knew

it

was

even seemed,

a miracle, but this miracle,

we were workers and Americans

an ordinary thing.

— VICTOR HERMAN

and

15

Henry Ford came and he sat with my father in the front room served him tea and the two men talked and then

my mother

Henry Ford

said

good-bye to

of us and stepped into his car and

all

drove away.

Only Leo gaped. He

said,

But the

tried

rest of us

American and

They

not to notice. Henry Ford was an

a worker, just like us.

got in the

way

What

did chauffeurs

truth.

We

American

of an

A chauffeur?"

"Did you see?

people, and this was the United States.

What

were

mean?

just the

all

difference, a chauffeur?

Better not to notice.

my

All that evening

father talked of

Mr. Ford, how greatly

he admired that great American man.

No, Sam Herman's Socialism did not make him hate the

The

were

rich

should be

all right.

— and could

a Socialism

It's

But

I

They were

be.

fine.

They were

rich.

way everyone

the

That was Sam Herman's Socialism.

have no quarrel with.

have no quarrel with anyone or anything anymore.

I

I

me and those that beat me and those that tortured and starved and froze me who? the man who took a scissors and cut off the tips of my toes and sent me out never did,

Even those

really.

that jailed

—

snow

into the

— not even with him, with no one, with with — have worse me by

to fell trees?

who

not even the ones

did

far

to

a quarrel

I

no one. Not anymore.

You

could see that

him

sat with

in the front

men would. They and

it

was

I

was very proud it

father

was proud

that

Mr. Ford had

talked the

way any two

talked and drank their tea and said good-bye

really a miracle,

the miracle,

A

my

room and they had

how

ordinary and wonderful that

my

father

for

— and proud

was announced, would reveal

itself

all

for myself

was.

when

for a second time.

—

he, Sam all at the supper table man who had been three times in prison and once so-and-so many steps from the hangman's noose, he would go the next day to the house of Henry Ford. These men had things to talk about. They would take tea and talk. And I, the this rascal family roughneck did he wink when he said that? Vickie, who does such a job with the driving of a car, I, his son

few days

Herman,

later

my

father told us

the revolutionary, a

—

—

Victor,

would accompany him.

"A if

reward,"

the devil

But

I

sits

my

beside him."

knew

it

who

drives as

father's favorite.

Leo was

father said, "for the roughneck

And

was because

this time he did wink. I

was my

COMING OUT OF THE handsome and did no

16

well in school, but

I

my

was

boy

father's

—

it

was

secret.

What bound me power I

ICE

was

that

How

my silence? The was my daring but he was amazed at my

way? Was

that

my arms also? Perhaps was my eyes. I think

in

sometimes think

eyes.

him

to

it

—

it

it

could he be the father of a fellow with eyes like

this,

so

strange?

Anyhow, Leo was happy for me

the table, angry. But

left

— and

my

cutting Miriam's meat. But

He

kept on talking

all

I

could

could see the pleasure

I

the

way through

in

her face.

my

dessert,

what a wonderful man Henry Ford was, of

Why,

Ford.

all

if

They

what a world

So, the roughneck isn't

go

I

And more caddy

fixed

man Swenson, and

make

he would

house of Mr. Ford. But

to visit at the

is?

Mr. Ford had

talked to his

had the vision of these two, hah, men!

all

to the golf course to

— because It

was

what America

that

would

for

was a smart

come any smarter than Edison and

don't

the capitalists

would be

it

father did

the capitalists the

all

fellow with the most brains! Well, Edison too. There

one, that Edison.

Rebecca

tell

mother, yes. She busied herself with

wonderful

after school

still,

no more

and on weekends

The wonderful Mr. Ford had

it.

this

Swenson, a top

man

at Ford's,

a job for the roughneck.

happened, that job. All that summer of 1931

—making

pickup truck for Ford's

deliveries.

The

visit

I

operated a

happened

Henry Ford. Henry Ford? It did not impress me

too,

the visit to the house of

The house I

suppose

me?

I

I

was

of

that sort of boy.

was an American,

just like

things, listened to the radio

ice-cream cone.

Who

it

like

And to

him

— and

we

all

that

like that all

did

American

Detroit didn't love Vernors, our

in

much.

impress

and drove our cars and liked to eat an

ginger ale? Didn't Mr. Ford and love

Should anything

all

his family drink

famous

Vernors and

everyone else?

then one day

my

father

came home and

said,

who wants

go?

"Go where?" Leo "Where

else?"

Ford's auto plant. future for

My

all

said.

my

father said.

To make

the

"To Russia

—

to

work

at

the

machines run and to build a great

men."

mother was not happy

at

this.

Nor was Leo. Leo was

— VICTOR HERMAN

17

.^

twenty and was having a good time. What, leave his

No, Leo was staying

And

put.

named Bob

to a cop's son

So Rebecca was not going sia?

To make

now

Rebecca, by

girl friends?

she was married

Laing. Could a cop's son go to Russia?

— and was my

father really serious? Rus-

cars? Did they have Vernors in Russia?

And

Jack

Benny? All

Who

saw was an adventure.

I

cares about Vernors and

Jack Benny when adventure crooks a finger

would be bears there

—

and

lions

"Go?" my mother

said.

"For three years,"

my

you? Russia! There

at

from

tigers leaping

tree to tree!

"What do you mean, Sam, go?"

"We

father said.

give three years of our

What does

lives to build a great Socialist world.

it

cost us, three

measly years?"

"Am Becky?

Leo

to leave

I

here,

teasing than anything else.

My

a joke.

father

my

But

never was in

There

Sam?

Did she take

was playing

And

I

my mother seemed more this

Sam Herman

in

It

was

—

jokes.

Dearborn, on either side of that house Henry Ford

—

—

let

seriously?

was one thing there

father did not play jokes. That

were woods like a forest with knew what they were from the

he

man

a joke.

lived in,

Oh,

what you think? And

Is this

what you want?" But

this

Is

me go

reindeer walking in them. pictures every child sees.

out into them, those woods

And

"Let the boy look around."

— Henry

Ford

said,

went out and saw the reindeer

I

walking.

Imagine what all

the forests that I

Ford's

I

could do

— and my

Russia

—with wolves and bears and

must grow everywhere

now on

think

in

there!

Those woods of Henry

the irony of that.

idea of the fabulous forests to come.

Trees! Infinite trees! Mysterious forests

full

of every kind of

adventure!

How

could

to

mean

do

to you, the I

to

saw

me?

I

know, a boy of

How

could

I

sixteen,

malevolence of wood?

forests as playgrounds.

that in the years

slave might

do

this

and

ahead that,

How

could

I

labor,

was more greatly

would labor

all

feared.

I

know what

and pine?

How

as a slave,

but to be a slave

those years in the camps, after

no

would come

trees

ever have guessed what a forest could

lay in store in them, the weight of birch

know

what

in the

really

could

I

and that a woods? All

those years in prison, nothing,

Did they send you

to the forests

COMLNG OUT OF THE with an ax and a saw?

ICE

18

Then they

you there

sent

And

Here, they said, you go to the woods.

immense, a colossal

to die in shadows.

the terror in

Eighteen went out that morning from Subcamp

women the

—

or at least

I

snows before the dawn came up, and when

rose up,

up there on the

Through the pale

light

it

Three were

broke you could

and the mist that

where the tracks were

rise

wagon they assigned

tonners, that's what they were

—massive

vou could

laid,

and on either

to you.

from yours, two wagons that were

sixty yards

8.

thought they were. Eighteen went out into

see the railroad wagons.

see the

you was

falling into fear.

side, off

just like

steel things that

about Sixty-

it.

held that

much. Load!

Load

it all, till

Cut a

tree,

ever\- inch

saw

a tree,

taken!

is

and load

it

all

Zk! Prisoner! Prisoner Herman! Yourself!

And

to each of us. the eighteen,

from top

Do

to bottom.

You!

it!

two guards were assigned

and they had their guns and their German dog.

You! Prisoner! Zk! Yourself! woodline. the verge, the

way behind

How

of!

back

1

know when

I

walked

Dearborn what a

in

Sixty tons in the

snow

back down the

there,

— and

rise

the

and

all

you.

could

summer day

way

do

the forest could

to

you when

it

forest

got

its

in

Henrv Ford's woods

that

can sometimes mean? What

chance?

Eighteen went out that winter before dawn. Were three of them

women? There

really out,

and onlv But not

hind.

I

think

I

all it

is

no wav of ever being

of

was

Eighteen went

me came

u///.

back. Something,

I

left

something be-

disbelief.

Not ever again would can happen

sure.

came back.

I

not believe.

It

will

happen

— whatever

VICTOR

HERMAN

19

.

FOUR went on for weeks

It

Russia did. I

—would we

Leo

suppose

I

was scared ing this

would we not

go,

came around

finally

mealtimes, nothing but talk about

like that,

—

sort of sneered at that,

Does

to stay behind.

way

of the dead?

knowing

was

if

we

— and

really that he

none

left

The dead deserve no over. When it comes

used up on the

and

living,

still

go around.

to

—

be

like

he would go

it

Sam was no talker, but you'd never know acting now Russia this and Russia that. We to

would be

it

go,

seem ungenerous of me, speak-

this

to special privileges, they all get

enough

what

don't think so.

I

special privileges. Besides, there are

there's not

go,

we would

if

different, all right

—but not

all

that

it

from how he was

could expect things

much. After

all,

mother put Russian food before us? So what could be so

didn't

my

different?

Yes, what!

Oh, dear

father, did

ball of porridge with

And

down down because you had Run,

my

in Cell

39

to take

my

me

to

do

it

still

a job to

running?

father, but not too fast!

man

Camp

along the runway in

Because

bite off the fast

I

saw a man

man's

get

lips for the

smear of cereal on them!

And six

me

the cereal, the merest spoonful but

there too fast and another last

beside

sit

did you step lively with

231, wolfing get

you

me?

did you, dear dead father, partake of rat with

crazed months I

when

ate cat, father.

I

I

me

those

had meat?

ate dog,

and maybe even men.

No, the dead deserve no special

privileges.

Death may be

all

the privilege they need.

to

But Sam Herman was talking that summer of 1931, and it was me that he mainly did it. He disclosed all his hopes to me, the

dream our

sacrifice

ever since the time

me now. And

I

would I

secure.

I

guess he'd confided in

me

before,

was shot, but not anything like he talked to

was glad he

did,

and glad he was happy

— and

COMING OLT OF THE

ICE

20

mostly glad he had something to do. Most of the fathers didn't

my dad had work and

But

then.

along pretty good.

Rouge Ruski

I'd

mv

and Frank,

plant,

had work, and things were moving

I

show up

for

fellas in the building there

building right inside Gate 2. and

company was working

stroy

work

Gate 2 of the River

at

boss there, he'd say check with the

— and

found out

I

out of

—

was

there

it

a two-story brick

was where the Auto-

getting the stufT they needed

and recruiting men.

Anyway,

two in there who was how to drive, and I guess Frank word handed down to turn over the job to the

there'd always be a Russian or

looking for someone to teach him

might have gotten the

.Herman

be a couple of hours just driving around, and

kid. It'd

get a couple of bucks for

it.

liked

I

mostly with sign language that caught on to a ing.

I

Russian, and

little

teaching driving

it,

did it

it

— but

wasn't

all

— and

I'd

was

it

more and more

I

that hard, consider-

Rose and Sam would speak any language under the sun but

Russian

—

us kids.

in front of

down and

guess

I

mean

I

—but

now and

then they

had a good enough feeling for

I

it

let

before

I

started those driving lessons.

Anyway, "Got

was

there

morning

that

Frank called me over.

that

a Ruski engineer that wants to take a

Frank

said no, said he'd heard

little

around that

it

spin?"

I

Cass Tech and that was a pretty good high school for a like

said.

dumb

to

kid

me, right? I

said

wasn't so

I

enough guv. but he

Then he with

I

was going

my "It

I

also is,"

was

just stood there.

He was

a nice

liked to tease.

said he'd heard

dukes, and

"Word

dumb and

said

Frank

said,

a while back."

there wondering what the

around

it

was okay,

1

I

that

I

was

a prettv fair

"you were shot once. That true?"

said. "It wasn't anvthing."

*

hand

sure.

this

was

all

I

just

stood

about, and he just stood

there too.

"So?"

I

said.

"You want

dance?"

to

That Frank was a pretty good kidder himself.

"No

me much.

sirree.

I'm just jawing,

set yourself

up

hand on

mv

just laughed.

as an

— thinking maybe you're looking

is all

to

automobile mechanic."

"I guess I've thought of it."

"Now,

He

Vic," he said, "you're a shade too ugly to interest

that's just

what

I

I

said.

was thinking." he

shoulder and kind of drew

me

said,

to him.

and put

"You

his

see, kid,"

— HERMAN

ICTOR

21

manner

said, talking in a

le

idential this all was, "if

that

what you

lussia, hear?

among

here

*

No

how

boy, you've seen

it,

*

ou go along

to

really fast

it

*

the

is

you go

to

*

do ihey know? *

Russians can't

take a tip from old Frank, boy, and

to over there with the rest that's going,

me

pressing

wanted to be helpful, and this was his

way

you hear?"

Mavbe he doing it. Maybe

that way.

just

of

not.

Frank kept pushing.

Jut

"Now, boy," he

said,

you

do what over

^id,

me

let

vou something,

tell

and

J.S.S.R.

it

you'll

telling

how

far

might take you \ears

you can make of yourself

there

Why,

get yourself a contract!

advance yourself. Over here

fast you'll

face the Auto-

to

shops over there and no

ou'll get yourself into the

nd

me around

turning

troy shack, "I'm here to help

D

show me how condo is set yourself up

could advance himself over

for yourself.

it

You

car!

do

fast a fella

know why he was

didn't

to

them people. What

all

ven drive a

I

telling

to

want

way

a first-class mechanic, the

is

was meant really

come back

Fm

you'll step right into a top job,

no time

in

at all.

here from that

here to

you.

tell

Jew what do you say?" I

just said, yeah, sure,

liking the ut

it

same

—

I

mean,

in that

a different way. though

/orld, all that.

This

ense to me. But

I

man

guess

nd

if

it

talked ideals,

didn't matter

I

just

making a

me down

in

for three years,"

gone and acted

like a

The Ford's man

better

what anyone said to me on

was Fd go anywhere my dad went

much

the better.

walked on into the Autostroy building and said

ord's guy that was sitting

'd

general

he was going where adventure waited, so

So

Put

— he

I

Frank, he was talking good old American

subject, because the truth

[le

knew my dad was direction. Sam Herman

sounds good. Well,

man

to the

me up. my dad how

there to go ahead and sign I

said, thinking to tell

for myself.

in there,

he said right

off,

"You

got

Her-

it.

nan."

So I II

I

it

was

really happening!

turned around and walked out of there, and

was thinking

at

the

time,

but

1

sure

I

don't

know

remember thinking

bout wild bears.

Everybody knew Fd been shot about he kids at Cass

knew and

a year before that.

.All

the kids around Ironwood. People weren't

urprised. I'd been in lots of scrapes, and

it

probably seemed the

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

22

natural thing that I'd get hurt bad one of those days. But

happened had nothing

was bad. The

It

to

days that was bad.

in those

happened when

It

do with

bullet

I

went

all that. It

right

was

it

an accident.

just

my

through

how

liver

— and back

remember hearing mortal wound.

I

was over

at

Rebecca's house, a friend and

me. She'd moved, was living with the Laings then. Alan was the

Alan Aberbach. He

friend,

Al and

and Bob was

I,

Avery now

calls himself

he's a dentist here in Detroit. there,

and he

just

wanted us

time, so he pulled out about five revolvers,

bang bang

over the place, trying out

all

of them, one of those big ugly Smith and

Anyway,

What was

there

and did

that's

what

know about

I

it

They gave me

numb

got

in

saw

it

all.

of

all

And

watched

it

.38's, just

is

a couple of shots the

it

off.

— so guess — and

—

spinals,

that mortal

it

I

reflector over the table, I

wound

was.

thing.

was another one

there

went

they couldn't stop the bleeding

stuff out, snip stuff off

took about three hours, that operation.

It

it.

of them, and one

all five

saw him cut me open, saw him take

I I

have a good

to

was. Bang.

I

watched the whole

I

Becky,

and Al's going bang

Wesson

— and when noticed big noticed what was —and was where I

to see

about a special operation, and they went ahead

this talk

it.

it

—Dr. Avery

Anyway, we went over

after that.

I

Even longer

watched

— and

I

too.

They kept me there in Receiving for a pretty long while, and when they sent me home it was to stay in bed for three months, and when they got me home they put me to bed and my mother said, and that she was going out

just sleep,

told her to, I

had

and

got

I

move

to

in a crouch. I

was

our dog for a walk, and

I

blocks and back and

just stayed

father its

course.

there's

dad

He was

Your nature and

My

me.

let

I

said,

right.

had

as

it's

up

doctor

soon as she walked out.

really bent over.

never went back to bed. after that.

I

But

I

took

took him three

My

Vickie's nature and

let

mother and nature take

There wasn't anything special about me.

isn't special. If that's

no sense

to get the things the

up and got dressed

in pointing to

it

your nature,

and saying

that's

it's

what

it

is

special.

But

I

Is

it

why

I'm here today?

The

raid

came not long after that, the raid on Camp Farmingcamp. It came between the time I got shot and

it,

ton, the workers'

that kind of nature.

VICTOR HERMAN when my

23

up things between Autostroy and

father started setting

Ford's.

My

dad took me

Camp

to

Farmington quite a

lot

around that

when he went back

period, that interval between the shooting and

his work clothes. He might have had in mind to me get really strong again, but think, too, it was that he wanted me to see him with all the big shots that were there, that

to

work without

help

I

were

Camp

and out of

in

These were people

Farmington.

William Foster, Michael Gold, Eliza-

like

beth Flynn, John Reed, Louisa Bryant big shots

He had to me

I

some

these were

remember. And Sam Herman was getting

his pictures taken with all of

—

—

them, but

to be

was

it

of the

one

too.

camp

just a

a place to run and play ball and be under the trees.

I was doing when it happened. We all heard we saw them. They came in toward the dorms and buildings and more or less tried to fan out. There were a lot of cars too cops everywhere, and deputies. They were all armed.

That's just what

the trucks before

—

never seen anything

I'd

men

with arms

setting. 1

at the

ready.

like

was

It

But there they came with

remember

now

thinking,

it

before

—

those uniformed

all

a sight, there in that kind of park

their

uniforms and their guns, and

these can't be the bad guys, so what's

going on?

A

lot of

men were

arrested in Pontiac,

my

trial,

there in Pontiac.

dren

Communism,

weeks, and they were

dad and Leo included lasted

It

that

and they kept

arrested,

two weeks, the

was the main charge. But

all

roundup.

What

on me,

saw was

I

it

they

was

there

Teaching

was over

a

chil-

in

two

acquitted.

There wasn't any violence attached large impression

— and

trial.

men

the

all

all

to the thing, but

it

made

a

those officers with guns and a mass

all

those officers coming out of

all

those

cars and trucks, uniformed men and therefore men that were powerfully illustrative of a boy's idea of authority, the government,

America

— and

here they were, rounding people up, the good guys

going after the good guys.

— and

I

distinctly

yet

knowing

my

dad. I

me

that

it

I

really couldn't understand

remember being worried about was something

wanted that man

to be

I

didn't think

proud of me.

I

I

it,

it

at the

time

really upset,

could discuss with

wanted him

to see in

the very thing that he was. It's

true.

I'd

have done anything for him, followed him into

COMING OUT OF THE any kind of

But

fight that

24

he thought was

right. Isn't that

him good-bye one morning

kissed

I

ICE

We

never saw each other again.

what a son

Russia, and

in

is?

we

went into our separate prisons.

Mine was where you died from what they did to you. But his My father's prison was where you died from what you

wasn't.

did

to

yourself.

Sam Herman was kissed

him good-bye

And

never saw him. I

to

from

alive

morning

that

when he died

in

1953. In

in

1938 when

I

that time

I

all

then he was dead, and there was no seeing him.

loved him very much.

FIVE It

still

wasn't real to me, going, actually going of! to someplace

—

we started packing up and even then it wasn't real knew I was going and I was saying good-bye to my

foreign, until to

me.

friends

I

—but

Besides,

it

—

it

was

wasn't like

was staying and and

that

after a while

our house

—

family was

in

we were

knowing

it,

really leaving Detroit,

meant our family would

we would

so that

still

and then we'd be coming back.

just three years,

meant

all

be back.

still

because Becky

be here

would be occupied,

the place

we were doing was

that all

in a

way,

Dad gave Becky and Bob that our

taking a long

vacation.

—

was coming back and when I came back, I'd be different, changed into something larger. Td be an engineer or a journeyman mechanic I'd be something different and important. I

—

But Sam kept getting more and more ships we'd have to handle pretty bad, he said

when we

— maybe

heard the food situation was in

some places

there

specific

about the hard-

got over there. Things

would be

worse than even he expected. He'd critical,

was nothing

nationwide rationing, and that

to ration.

Who

knew?

We

might

even see people starving. Starving?

What could

that possibly

American boy? In the worst of

times,

been through some that were close to starve?

mean

to a sixteen-year-old

God knows we had just that, who did we ever see

and

VICTOR HERMAN As

my

for

Mama

being,

^25

mother, she kept her mouth shut. For the time

had nothing more to say on the

where her husband went, period. Like

Did she have to guess

And

like it? I didn't think so.

subject.

She would go

or not, his destiny was hers.

it

even

later on, I did not

at that.

And

then, as it got down to the wire, Sam kept reminding us we didn't really have to go. That he had to because he had to make it work, help in bulwarking the first workers' country. But it was okay if we wanted to stay behind even Mama because, after all, it would, sure, mean a separation of three years, but we'd all

—

that

—

all

be safe

—

America and three years would pass

in

he'd have done his duty and we'd

in

no time

be together again.

all

at all:

How

bad

could that be, a three-year separation?

But what

in the

world could be worse than a three-year sepa-

ration?

What, indeed!

We

All right.

hugged

Papa

said, It

the

my

"Next

was the

name

two ways about

him and went back

We

it.

to our packing.

Nizhni-Novgorod," and he smiled grandly.

stop,

first

No

were going, then.

father and kissed

time Miriam and

of our destination.

and Leo had actually heard

I

don't think even

I

Mama

had heard

it

before.

Then Sam

— "Next ductor

really called

stop,

out as

it

if

he were a streetcar con-

Nizhni-Novgorod!" and we

all

took up the

howl.

"Here we come, Neezie-Novgrot!" Leo

"Look

out, Niz-Noovie!"

yelled.

screamed. "The

I

Herman boys

are

coming!" "Niddle-Not, Niddle-Not," Miriam started chanting.

Maybe Maybe, now a

all

on was a

kid's

way

of covering up.

we were really doing it, it was all beginning to look to us. What kind of place was that, with a name so

that

different

little

that carrying

crazy? But of course they would have to have lions and tigers in a place like that

—

yet

what

else

would they have?

It

sounded

like

dragons had their dwellings there. Is

there something scarier in the

the Russians

name Gorky? Which

changed Nizhni-Novgorod

to

knows? Maybe some of us might have asked out

name

we were

Gorky was

I

was a kid who'd never even been outside the

a kid

of the place

at the last

what

Who

minute

going to have to go

if

the

is

not long after.

state of

to.

Michigan,

whose idea of a place name ran on the order of Dearborn

COMING OUT OF THE and Detroit, and

ICE

was on

I

— and

awfully worked up

annoyed

No

kids.

had

I

Like any

my

—

end up

to

the events that

life,

—

in

considering the courage

fair,

little

other

make

call

let's

I

thought

it

I

up seem

it

—Gorky.

alone had.

to fall into

so that, in hindsight, one can perceive the motion of his

mind plays on memory, or

a trick the

is

was

I

many

special status with so

terms of states of varying rates of speed,

life in

this

to share

Nizhni-Novgorod!

to

remember being more than a

were scheduled

hardly seemed

clusters

my way

I

fewer than about three hundred Michigan families, mostly

Detroiters,

all

It

that

26

any case, the degree of speed

we

noticeably the day

left

in

my

life

suspect

in stages.

I

vice versa

—but

in

seems to have picked up

Detroit for the ship

we would board

in

New York.

We

took the train out of Detroit on the 23rd of September,

know he would never return? Did my mother? Did Miriam? And as for me, now, now that I have returned, did I 1931. Did

my

really believe

father

I

ever would? That morning, leaving Detroit,

my home,

special notice of this or that, the things of

things particularly

more

take

headquarters.

was

all

it

I

later, I

city,

was

to

back of that car on

my way

to

NKVD

the train pulled out of Detroit that morning,

The

too thrilling to see anything very sharply.

New

York, the

ship,

blind.

I

it

train ride,

an ocean voyage, the colorful

kept painting of the bizarre land that lay waiting for

made me

all

sat in the

I

When

the prospect of picture

my

notice of things Russian, the sights and sounds of the

Gorky, as

city of

Middle Western American. Years

took no

I

of

was favored with a window

seat,

there watching the fields slip and somersault by, and

I

and

was

me I

sat

in a

dream. don't think

I

I

came out of my trance until we got to Buffalo, you can get a good look at Niagara Falls.

crossing that bridge where It

was nighttime, and the

lights

— and

the sight

thing that equaled

it

got to see anything ride

of

up

my

to the

in

my memory

much

of

there. All

to

New I

illuminated by special

all

me,

I

can't think of a

York. But

I

remember was

never really the

subway

Bronx where we were going to stay with some friends it was time to go to the ship. That was on the 24th,

folks until

and on the 25th we ing to

Falls were

was so stupendous

sat

around

all

day

do but think about the next day.

in that

And

it

apartment with notharrived, right

on

time,

the 26th of September, and standing on the deck of the Leviathan,

VICTOR HERMAN more

startled

stood

all

by

27

size

its

way down

the

and the enormous distance from where to the water,

was by what was actually happening,

me

from

as

if

been crazily cut

No!

You

there

is

feel

is

it

I

I

by that than

I

I

watched the dock move away

those waving people on

was leaving America.

had

it,

No American

a terrain that spreads out over

no leaving

really

all

startled

adrift.

did not feel

I

does.

wharf and

the

it,

more

really

your heart, and

ever.

it

That's not a thought a sixteen-year-old boy has. That's not

American

a thing any

Not

of thought.

took

It

of any age ever bothers to raise to the level

an American

until you're

days to get to England.

five

who I

can't get back.

wish

it

had taken

five

thousand.

SIX We

sailed third class.

But there was almost no part of the ship

didn't get a look at. I'd never before seen anything so massive

where the

first-class

card playing and the

I

— and,

passengers did their eating and dancing and rest,

astonish, the Leviathan.

so grand. This was really something to

To me

it

was

sort of fabulous serpent that

was

like

angrily

being on the back of some

consuming the

sea.

The next morning the ship's photographer had pictures posted here and there to show the height of the waves. Nobody in our

—

came out for breakfast. They rang the bell, and I'm not aggerating when I tell you that I was the only one who showed

up.

— Mama

the

class

Papa,

Mama,

worst.

guess

I

enough

take, but It

slept. I

left

was

room

place like

it

didn't feel

I

to prefer

where we

dining

Leo, Miriam, they were sick as dogs

that great myself, but

I

felt

okay

anything to the fog of vomit that overlay the place

A

for

the

all

ex-

nurse came around giving everyone something to

my bacon and

same

— and

all

at lunch.

eggs just as she showed up.

Only me and an old man

in

the

those uniformed waiters. I'd never been any-

nor been waited on by strangers

the nurses that took care of

me

in the hospital.

—

unless

you counted

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

28

Piccolino those waiters called me, those waiters

most part

for the

me

called to

those

by myself. I'm I

was

fellows

was

I

my

Like

short.

but

sixteen,

at

few meals, when

first

dad.

on the short

certainly

that

all

that

my height. To me, much more remarkable.

Piccolino.

know

what.

me

honoring all.

could

for

or what, but I

Maybe

it.

Good!

it

My

was going

it

got so that

It

what

that's

I

to

my

dad, I'm

never minded being

I

But

small.

meant,

it

strength

I

didn't

was a way of

courage was apparent to great.

I

didn't

know

happen.

began

I

short

the other

made my remarkable

it

becoming somebody

to

how

to

like

much

pretty

exactly

relation

—and

that whatever

figured

I

know

in

was something

it

fortitude.

loved that ship.

getting off

tell

tell

my

my way

was on

I

how

I

could

I

showed up

But also

side.

unusually strong, stronger than he was

kidded about

I

don't

I

remember

I

who were

"Bravo, Piccolino!" a couple of them

Italian.

should be,

to think I

about never

began to think

—

ship's engineer or something.

We

Queensway Hotel in London, and my dad met with some people there. It was a dull week for me my mother and father wouldn't let me go anywhere. But I wish that week had put up at the

—

been

thousand weeks.

five

The

That was

Siberia.

name, the name of the ship we

its

boarded for Russia. The Siberia.

much

to get excited

the Siberia

was a Russian

It

—and what could

Leviathan meant something

started

its

name,

name have meant to me? I knew What did I think Siberia meant?

that

big.

There were seventy-two families

had

and not

vessel

about after the Leviathan. But that was

from Detroit and gotten

in

our group

—

the ones that

The

this far to the Siberia.

rest

of the three hundred had already gone or were soon to go to Gorky.

Did the others ever

sail

on the Siberia?

name an omen? How could it have been? Who could imagine? If by some magic the future were unfurled in front

Was

the

of your eyes, and

how can

I

it

was

believe that

a thing

when

I

beyond imagining, you would say cannot even imagine that? Three

potatoes, four potatoes, five.

The I

Siberia.

began

to learn the language.

Russian alphabet, ten

letters

I

got

Mama

more than English

to teach

has, but

I

me

the

was

fast

at this.

My

mother taught me, and then

my

father taught

me

— and

it

VICTOR HERMAN got so I

29

.

could read the signs around the ship, and before

I

was making out

pretty well.

never been fussy about things like

Leo chased

my

to try out

— and

Russian on. Papa's

what

that,

on the ship

girls

knew

I

it,

got along with the food too. I've

I

what

ate,

I

wore.

I

chased around after sailors

I

were heartier now, and you

spirits

could see he was getting excited about setting foot on his homeland

my mother

But

again.

looked grimmer every mile

covered. She kept Miriam close to her, and

Siberia

the

more and more she

occupied herself with staring.

We made

Leningrad

The weather

didn't

days.

in five

improve

things.

seemed

decisive days that have always

was one of those

It

me more

to

me

something conclusively lousy. The fog horns had waked and when

I

The

flat.

was

it

whole works

me

at the rail,

thing from

on into what seemed looked as

it

— and

in fact

to be the heart of

we were going

if

to

plow

turned out that the dock

it

Nevsky Prospect. When my dad joined he pointed across the way, to a building of no special

on the main

right

make out one dismal

could hardly

so uniformly somber.

For a time there

right into the

was

You

all

Siberia lumbered

the city.

early,

went out on deck the grayness of everything almost

knocked me another,

in-

depressing than

street,

description.

"We

stay there until we're mustered out to Gorky. That's a

hotel."

"You're kidding,"

But what did worldly, and

and

place,

and

it

I

said. "That's a hotel?"

know about

was a mistake

think

I

I

my

dad

hotels?

—because

felt

I

it

personally responsible

Beginning with that childish remark,

guilty.

father blaming himself for everything that

hardship and misery, large and small it

into the vastly

entire

Gorky

And it

came

more grave events

when he buys and

make choices Isn't this

that,

imagine

my

surely he kept right on at

were to

befall us

own son?

his child

How does

all,

the

his account

know

when

a father reckon up

pays? But does not every parent

for himself that prove decisive in the

what history

to

that

I

for

went wrong, for every

must have charged to

life

of his child?

is?

Oh, Papa, you died and enough

— and

sound

to

contingent.

as for the guilt he

to the fortunes of his

accounts

was trying

was an awful-looking

that in the

I

end

lived. it

And you

was

all

did not live long

okay, that

/

i^ot

back.

COMLNG OUT OF THE You

30

did not live long enough to hear

tween

never was

us, that there

always owed you to

ICE

what he

—

—

that

if

me

say there

is

was owing,

there

no debt beit

was

because you showed me what a man can

I

who

be, true

loves.

SEVEN Everything crawled along, the business of luggage and papers and

who and which

who's

line to get in.

know

did not

I

pace of things and the widening confusion there

dock were

more

It

same and worse by

was hours

we

after

far.

up

tied

in the

harbor that we

sorted out and were allowed to leave the ship.

It

of

Crazy, but

it.

I

was suddenly aware

just

I

hadn't noticed

it

we stepped

my dad

me from

grabbed

behind as

there

inside her coat,

went down the gang-

I

me

and as soon

dock he dropped

as he stepped to the

We

all

around and slapping

Leo was

hard.

took stock, to see that

all

from where we were, but There were people never seen anything

streets I

and people

all

it

of us and

gave

all

like

me

all

wonder

swaddled

it,

It

was

of

so cold.

just a little

of!

way

time to see a few things. all

over the

street.

these sort of storybook cobblestoned in layers of rags lying

out there.

poked Sam and pointed.

me

"Sleeping," he said and pulled they're sleeping.

You

see that sign

drunk and they have no place It's

of

all

our belongings were

bundled up and lying it,

and

his valise

stood there on the dock, collected around Sam,

the ship, and then he led us toward the hotel.

I'd

farther ahead,

his arms.

us huffing and blowing and laughing at the

Sam

My

on the deck.

plank ahead of him, and he hugged

started dancing

out

of the cold, very aware

mother was carrying Miriam and had her wrapped and

finally got

was only October,

but spectacular snowflakes began floating by just as

onto the gangplank.

Leningrad

drawing back to reveal a vast land of

just the curtain

of the

that the sluggish

at the

not so bad

—

in

along. "They're

drunk and

Pivo? Means beer. They're

to sleep, so they sleep in the street.

Leningrad there

runs under Nevsky Prospect. They

is

lie

a kind of heating system that

down

like that, they're

warm."

—

_31

VICTOR HERMAN Me, and

I

was

freezing. "Papa,"

laughed to show

I

Sam gave me

a

I

"Fm

said,

dying from the cold,"

wasn't.

I

little

shove forward and then ushered the

of the family along. "You'll get used to

it,"

he called. "This

rest

not

is

cold."

Leo

"That's right, kid,"

you

"like Jolson says,

called,

ain't

seen nothin' yet," and then he started clowning around and got

down on one knee and

stretched out his arms and waggled his head

like Jolson.

"Move!" Sam shouted and snatched

Leo and jerked him

at

along.

My dad

—he

jumpy all the time we were held in Leningrad while the okay was coming through to depart for Gorky. He was in a bad state when he barked at Leo, but he was in a much worse state when we got inside the hotel. Officials were was jumpy

stayed

arrayed there right inside the door, and

opened

all

no time

in

at

our bags and thrown everything out on the

hand

to

Dad

floor.

— and every my mother and pat her — but then he

smiled and smiled and shifted from foot to foot he'd reach a

they'd

all

so often finally

exploded.

My

Russian was a long way from good enough to get

he said, but Soviet

I

Union

make

could

as friends, as workers,

Sam Herman

and

this

—

word of reply we had with us,

got not one

picked through everything

they did not trouble themselves to give one

that

all

we came to the was no way to treat us.

out the general drift

that

for his pains.

those

word

otficers

They

— and

of explanation or

apology or greeting.

"Oh, well," Sam said

how

"they

in English,

have to be done here. We'll

things

doesn't matter

— no harm done," and he drew

no harm," he said

to a

cap

One of window

Mama

and turned

My and

Sam

in

—

a blouse

down

all

mother

He

around and fingered started crying,

It

with her.

"No harm,

smiling.

him over

mother's and a knitted

it.

and that got Miriam

I

will

it

and lowered her

and

to crying too

his singsong:

"No harm,

then he switched to repeating a phrase

meant no harm.

is

—

held each item up to the light

just accelerated his jogging

And

my

it

a smile onto his face

awkwardly

and a scarf of

had made for Miriam. it

it

the otficers took a handful of things with

no harm, no harm." Russian.

a sort of singsong,

—

used to

get

Mama

and reached over and took Miriam from onto his shoulders and jogged up and

mean no harm

all

never forcet the sound that

in I

COMING OUT OF THE heard

—

—and

ICE

32

the anguish that

I

felt for

father's

having to make

know

it

that the

." "No harm, no harm, no harm. my father had come home

oppressed were not complaining:

Was

my

to let the oppressors

that singsong in Russian,

.

.

this Socialism? Is this what

torn and bleeding for?

We we

were

my mother

got there,

We

immediately.

room

put in one

all

the second floor.

had made a mistake, done something insane

only reasonable thing to do was to correct

whomever we had home it was all a

—

Sam

to that

we were

from her mothers

at

to the street below, and

Sam

it

when

my

mother

sat next to

said.

Sam? You have

"So,

"Speak

all,

is

make

let fall

This

is

will get us

a

Sam!"

crazy,

he tried to

you

new

me, Sam! So?"

his knees.

we

my

mother

a bad place, and

set

mother is

new

a

is

It

We

idea work.

to expect these

country,

my

darling.

must be patient."

said, pulling

if

away from

you love me and the

my

will decide.

up her chanting

father said. "I gave

Wait as

until

the

children,

my

said, final

"That

is

word,"

your

my

final

my

word. In

that.

"Niddle-

." .

.

word?"

father said.

This scene would be rehearsed scores of times before

mother died

—

arm

Nizhni-Novgorod."

soon as she heard

Not, Niddle-Not, piddle-pot, piddle-pot.

"That

"You have

are foreigners, and they are

out of here this very instant."

Nizhni-Novgorod, we

Miriam

to

over her shoulders. "It has nothing to do with

"I signed a contract,"

My

the

she seemed finished with

at last.

to these people

and therefore suspicious.

takes time to

politics.

and

a tongue?"

be better," he said

"It will

things. After

"It

—one bed?

her on the bed, his shoulders slumped forward,

hands gripped together between

fearful

sat strug-

turned around and faced her. But he said nothing.

"So?"

He

the tell

on the bed next

my mother did, insisting, then pleading, my father simply nodded and stared out

window

It

sat

it,

all

of

—

go

lap.

through

his

Leo

and patting Miriam, who

walked around the room, looking things over

She kept

this,

immediately

said,

—

mistake, a mistake!

to Rose, alternately patting her

I

it

as

leaving, turning around, going

stood by the window, nodding.

gling to get free

As soon

She wanted to go home, she

go.

let

—on

in the Soviet Union.

The words would be

my

different,

VICTOR HERMAN

__33

but they always meant the same thing

— Sam

saying things would

change, get better, were temporary. Rose saying that he had no

her and the children to his blind conviction, his

right to sacrifice

empty hopes.

know this line of reasoning drove a He knew Mama was right. How could

I

heart.

spike into

my

he not? But

father's

how

could

he abandon the battlefield on which his idea of a better world was being tested?

But

it

not

If

was

in

Russia, then where?

and beside the

useless

all

Our

point.

must

destinies

have been determined by that Czarist hangman's noose long, long ago

We

My

Ukraine.

in the

after his

father had escaped the gallows. But there-

mind was a prisoner stayed two months

to the

freedom he sought.

in the Sovtorgflot

—

—

that's the hotel in

the Soviet Trade Fleet, to put it in English. It got me many things. We learned to live in that one room together make do with the food a terrible fish soup with oil floating top. And Mother had to boil all our drinking water on a hot

Leningrad used to

and to on the

—

some

plate

hotel official gave her.

It

took forever, and

it

tasted

rotten even so.

And we

all

got used to Sam's increasing distance from us, and

the return of his characteristic silence.

He was

months, acting as some kind of dispatcher for

were moving through Leningrad

They would

arrive,

be quartered

Americans

that

installations.

at the Sovtorgflot, get instructions

wait around and wait around until

some

to go,

and then,

like us, it

was

to Stalingrad

and

Soviet official said

to go.

knew from

I

some

the

to different factory

from Sam about where they were supposed okay

kept busy those two

all

to

the kids that

were going coal mine.

Kemerova, where

to

A

their

in

both places. Some

dads would work

in a

mine, a

few kids were going to a place where they were build-

ing an electrostation, but

was one

some were going

Kharkov. There were tractor factories

kid, exactly

my

I

know where that was, and there who was on his uncle's contract, and

don't

age,

he was going to a place where they were going to

start to

make

air-

planes.

Who mechanic?

My

wouldn't rather be an airplane mechanic over an auto I

was

crestfallen.

passion for skywriting had never

in a million years!

notion, but that I

wonder

if

How

I'd

was what that

I

me. Leave me? Not

left

ever get to be one

I

wanted, and nothing

had not the vaguest less

would ever do.

American boy, the boy who was going

off

with

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

34

triumph

his uncle, lived to learn of the tell

how much

I

had.

I

I

am sure he me when

could

envied him. Did he live to envy

was

I

celebrated as a hero of the skies? Did he see in a newspaper some-

where that they gave me medals? That they hailed me bergh of Russia"? Did that boy die somewhere

before the Lindbergh of Russia was proclaimed?

back with

uncle to safety in America

his

I

never knew

Union Or had he gone

—and read about me

there?

my name.

But he probably never knew

Why not?

as the "Lind-

in the Soviet

his.

EIGHT We

were loaded into

headed

Gorky.

for

I

be cheerful

—

all

— not matter —but you could

eager to get moving to

cars

cattle

Americans who were

the

did not care about the cattle cars it

did

see there

into what.

—

My

I

was

mother

was nothing under

it

that tried

but a

huge sadness.

Our

The warmest

clothing was entirely unsuitable.

had were hardly enough for what the weather was.

—and

We

things

we

were cold

remember best about it, the cold, its getting worse and worse even as we went southeast, first to Moscow, and then due east on to Gorky to Nizhni-Novgorod. that

whole

trip

that

is

what

I

—

My mother cried — the cold, And

the cattle car.

one point she screamed out "Sam!" and that was

at

said

— and my shoulders forward him, more and more nothing— simply shrugged — and then

fall

forward and

said to

father's

become

fell

typical of

into a posture that

she

was

way you saw him. He

the

his

let

broad shoulders

an expression that was

set his face into

all

rigid,

im-

passive.

He was Bear

it

resigned.

What was

—whatever

it

is,

there to do?

bear

forward! This was the message

conveyed I

to

me.

believe

to be like

No,

him I

I

—

It

was a lesson

saw

it

I

as a man's

it

my

keep going

monumental

father's

silence

took to heart.

— and — need now—

way

forbearing, resolute

remember something

—whatever comes,

else

if

I

wanted

to be a

man,

be, resigned. in

the course of that

I

VICTOR HERMAN

35

long train ride to Gorky. Mother screamed a second time, and this time

was not a

it

single outer)'.

was the rocks. Between Moscow and Gorky

It

cow

— rocks

We

didn't

—

just after

Mos-

started banging against the outside of the cattle car.

—

know if it was rocks or what but that's what it sounded like. And who was throwing them? What was going on? Sam seemed scared we looked to him, all of us frightened, and he seemed

—

Everybody

frightened too.

guess because they figured he was

no explanation

— and

was looking

else in the car

some kind

of

was

It

It

briefly

snow

that

Mother wouldn't

about.

didn't

seem

cattle car

just

besides,

me

it

where Sam went,

the rest

—

as long as they

it

was the Kulaks

ofT a

inside that

ways and urinating

—peasants who used

to

have

collectivized.

said.

I

where everybody

"it's

was

it

it

went. In any case, Papa

I

when we were

take what everybody has and spread the same.

was

Miriam go with Papa and me. To me

"What's collectivized?"

body has

subsided

that banging

more than other peasants, but who had been

"Well," he said,

it

later.

— and Leo wouldn't.

hold

could be any colder out there than

it

— and,

together he told little

what

leave the cattle car

let

talked to a trainman, and

a

for us

was too cold out there and they would

could, and she wouldn't

then

and did

people out to relieve them-

let

Papa found out

—

kept to his

Mama

once again, about a half hour

one of our stops to

at

selves in the all

And

with her as that banging got worse.

little jig

and only started up

Papa

But he had

He

nothing comforting to say.

stony silence, reached over and took Miriam from a

at

official.

starts off equal.

You

around evenly, so that every-

it

Those Kulaks are peasants who had more than

—and

a horse, a cow, something

they don't like being

collectivized."

"Why

should they?"

whatever

freezing, that

sense to

me

—

I

a revolution,

make

good of

to

all

some people

I

"I don't

throw rocks

We

said.

was

now

saying,

pay any

it

that

suffer

feet

were

make any

real attention.

—but

it's

You

temporary.

said.

"They

You

suffer to

understand, boychik?"

"But what are they throwing rocks

know," Papa

my

wouldn't

the people, for the eventual good. In

a better world for your son.

"Sure,"

rise

father

was too cold

"It's for the

said, realizing

I

my

are angry.

at us for?"

They probably

at everything."

buttoned up and stepped gingerly through the snow, up the

and back to the tracks.

COMING OUT OF THE "Do

not

Not long

my

father said as he neared the

cattle car.

him why.

did not ask

I

36

your mother,"

tell

opening of the

ICE

after

he

just did as

I

said.

learned that Kulak means

I

"fist,"

by these richer peasants because they tried to hold

—

Kulaks our

authority.

string of cattle cars

were inside those cars

makes sense

threw rocks. terms

cow

at a

It is

me, even so

that's

what they thought

—even

cannot explain

like

but

it,

cattle was.

what

I

why

was,

of

little

soldier, not one.

and

in

Moscow

sense.

was broken only by the

It

But

in

about an

in the station for I

had never seen

Leningrad there were plenty of them,

you could not be en-

plenty more. But, then again,

sure that what

they

in the

eloquent.

Gorky took two days. Moscow, where we waited

one

a

men, throwing rocks

was taken from you makes absolutely perfect

hour. There were troops everywhere. In the States,

tirely

it

What

innocence. But

have the feeling that

mad conduct

to see the

something with

were taken from them

in their

that's

if

trip to in

that

anyhow, somebody's

to

even a

The stopover

or,

if

I

that

—

—

have come

I

looked

Or maybe they thought the cows

curious gesture it

whatever they had. Perhaps

their land, their animals, their grain,

to those

a label earned

what they had

you were looking

at

was indeed a

soldier.

Because most of the people who were not soldiers nevertheless wore something military. That's because

was

— and

clothing. it

virtually

The people were

was often

in rags

in fact civilian

mind

—

The high

—

and

not.

think

I

in rags,

between the two, which people

and which were

think that's important in

what most of the clothing

and the troops were

difficult to distinguish

were

I

that's

everyone would have on some item of military

it's

important to bear that

order that you have a sense of the U.S.S.R. visibility of things military

—even

if

it

in

at that time.

was only

civilians

dressed in soldier's garb because they had nothing else to dress in

—colored everything you saw. It

is

quite wonderful, the adaptability of youth.

more was not surprised by whatever

I

saw

—

I

more and

people in long queues

waiting for food, people in exotic confabulations of rags, in every sort of

custom-made ingenuity

to

keep the cold out

—beggars every-

men who appeared to be soldiers, who demanded to check this, check

where, soldiers or

officials

ever you turned

that,

eyed you as all

a

if

you were

first

of

murderer of bureaucracy.

all

their

wher-

and who

sworn assassin and

least of

VICTOR HERMAN

^7

me

Nothing shocked

did.

Oh,

and

tigers.

after a time

quickly got over

I

How

—how quickly

and how lucky for him

to things, to anything,

my

boy

a

gets used

that he does.

And

I

boy's anticipation of bears and lions

could anything as colorful as those animals

live in

a land as drab as this?

Only people could.

NINE I

in

who were

figured out

Gorky

—

or perhaps

soldiers.

was

it

The

that

difference

was more apparent

was beginning

I

to see, to observe

rather than just look. If they were soldiers, they had guns. Simple

They were armed.

as that.

But the

were

civilians

three or four string bags

queue would

set

up

for

all

armed with

—because

string bags

some food or something

of luck

and we learned

them

—because you might happen on

There was never any

telling

and you learned

tion,

to carry

ask what

it

when

selling until

could be potatoes or cabbage or, once got in line and to get

You

it,

you got whatever

all

crowd and not

some

in a

how

it

You took

who knew if you would ever get another chance? your money and your three or four nets and you kept

you suddenly

to

new

direction.

just like the Russians,

everyone

quicken his pace

you came home and,

even Miriam after a year or table,

and

Mama

You had your

We

long

because

carried

one

in line. It

blue moon, soap.

your eyes open for a queue forming up, for the person

the

direc-

to bother to

you had a place

was, no matter

it

they

a question

queue anywhere, anytime.

there'd be a rush in

to run with the

was they were

a

— "nets"

was

too. It

a

was sud-

else that

denly being sold? So the people always carried them called them,

— sometimes

who knew when and where

so,

in a

emptied

sorted through

at night

in the family,

bonanzas there on

all, testing.

meal.

could see the auto plant

sign that said Ford.

while later.

his day's it

in front of

And

in

That got changed

The American

Village

the distance, could see the to

was

Molotov Auto Works a situated

two miles away

COMING OUT OF THE from the factory

—

ICE

38

and two-story buildings made The walls were doubled for flimsy anyhow with all the cracks

a settlement of one-

out of wood, plywood, and mud.

—

warmth, but they were pretty and spaces mer,

stuffed with

we were

manure

to discover

manure once

it

what came creeping and

had warmed

with the clothing

we had and

giants

was good

It

Mama ders.

wooden

on the wide and

that

sum-

first

flying out of that

into a breeding site for vermin. in the

But

December you get north a run when we saw those

kind of

of the 55th parallel, most of us broke into squat, unpainted

Come

for insulation.

structures set out like sleeping geometric

killing

snow.

to be running again

— although

I felt

bad leaving

behind, and Papa laboring along with Miriam on his shoul-

But Leo ran with me, and suddenly nothing mattered but

to

made me feel at home, myself, centered within myself. It was as if home for me was the physical action in me, always ready to be made evident by the be running again, doing what

doing of something

I

I

was good

at.

could do very well

—

It

Cass Tech High

at

School, in the streets of Detroit, in the snowfields outside of Nizhni-

Novgorod.

It

side myself

What

did not matter where

—running, boxing, did

it

I

matter, this Russia?

I

and running powerfully, leaving Leo real speed

now

was, so long as

could be in-

I

driving, doing something.

was Victor Herman, running, far behind,

and running with

— through snow, through Russian snow.

The main building was called the Clubhouse, and it happened we were assigned to a room right there, on the second floor. Again, we were quartered in one room, the five of us. There was only the one toilet in the whole place, the Clubhouse. I remember thinking that was going to be a large change from what we were used to. Large change! I think now of the communal cauldron in Cell 39, that unspeakable pool of human droppings, a stew that that

always cooked for ten days

But we were well

at a time.

off,

us Hermans, considering that in

cases there were three or four families to a room. three workers

— Sam and Leo room — and

warded with a lodging there

—

just a

and

me

—and

for ourselves.

all

We

some

could deliver

were accordingly

re-

There was no furniture

for sleeping material

you had

anyhow you could get it. we could. There wasn't much wasn't anything much for me to do.

to

be

in-

ventive, getting bedding

We

got situated as best

up. There just

to get set

— VICTOR HERMAN have any school

didn't

I

39

and we

went out and skied

all

was Russia,

If this

Boys

ski before.

the skis

you saw

country to do

day.

lying around,

never had a chance to

I'd

it.

But here you

didn't get to ski.

with more

it,

all

could love

I

me

like

I

to do.

and picked up a pair

stairs

—

was a worker now, and so far no So the second day I went downof skis and some other American kids,

me any work

one had given

and out there you had

all

just

took

that

open

snow than you ever believed could keep

coming down. But

I

was our

it

thing that,

now

that

look back on

I

fixed the course of

it,

American

Village, and

not far

off.

It

was a

other group

Army

rifles.

group shooting

But when

was men shooting

it

—one

I

Army

the

saw a

I

in

those days

—

it

was hard

rifles

was

it.

You

easier to

also found out pretty fast that shooting

— most everybody did

ever sort of firearm they

understand that U.S.S.R. from

ready to invade did not give

it.

you

let

use.

was an important

this

all

practiced

it,

my

age

and the gender

the clothing they tell

what caliber

who was doing

of shells were being shot off than the years or sex of

over there

could see

in the Soviet

life

to decipher the age

in the cold. It

I

and boys about

you saw, so somber and similar was

bundled themselves into

stadium

and the

.22's

got close enough

with the .22's. That was one of the things about

of the people

little

was going on down there

contest that

rifle

between two groups of men

Union

life.

heard shots, gunshots, and

I

skied toward them, going over a rise until

that

my

had been skiing around for a couple of hours, there on the

outskirts of the I

day there that something happened, the

third

was a very big thing the time with what-

all

Everybody was given

thing, a

way

to

to protect the

the capitalist nations they figured were getting

A

citizen

had

you a gun, they

let

to learn to shoot,

and even

if

they

you use one often enough, always

bringing a batch of them out, old guns and lots of

mismade

shells,

whenever there was time enough.

to practice at targets

There were Americans there and Germans and Austrians and Finns

—

kids and

called out, in

men

— and when

German, "You want

but after a while, another

want

to shoot?"

and

to

man

make

stood watching, one of the

I

to shoot?"

I

men

didn't understand

called out, this time in English,

himself clear he held a

rifle

up

"You in the

air, offering. I

could see

and pointed

it

to the

was

a .22 that he held up.

Army

rifle

that

But

one of the men

I

came forward held. I'd

done

COMING OLT OF THE plenty of shooting father didn't hke

But

—

40

—

Camp

chiefly at

couldn't, considering

I

I

Id never shot

a military

my hands on

wait to get

them.

wanted

1

before

rifle

my

it

business to

didn't exactly love

I

to be just like

it

that gun.

I

— nor had

my

dad.

— and

I

down on

sitting

They gave me

didn't even take

the

little

that the

I

couldn't

my

oflf

men

all five

skis

wanted

all

bench they had and then

rounds standing and

five

ever shot in

I

bundled up. But

all

enough rounds and so well

until I'd shot

to try

had made

thought they were okay

such conditions, the snow, the cold,

me

—even though my

good with them.

liked being

prone.

I

to use

how

didn't hate them, either.

I

Farmington

despised guns. But

it,

what they were and how

find out

guns

ICE

try

rounds

I

know

I

it

shot

bull's-eyes.

They that

good

what did

couldn't believe

— and it

was

and the need

to

maybe their

I

Neither could

it.

maybe

wasn't,

watching me,

1.

didn't

I

was lucky. But

of them,

all

prove mvself. to compete, to show

There was a

lot of e.xcited

"And he

over, kept saying,

was

think

I

those people

off.

chatter about the performance

had made, and the same American *

all

I

fellow, the

man who'd

called

I

me *

didn't even take off his skis, this

kid!"

The men

started carrying

and

different languages,

nonchalant, as

if

I

whenever

straight bull's-eyes

it,

asking

me

questions in

did not say anything but just tried to act

always did

I

on about

just I

what

I'd

done, could shoot

wanted. With

five

the excitement, a

all

man who had been I don't know what

squatting off to the side got up and his

rank was. but he was some kind of

commander, one of

the

many Red Army people

that

came

over.

Army

were attached

to the Village.

He

spoke

me

to

in

Russian, simple phrases, but by

now

I

could handle myself.

"You can do I

this

again?" he said.

said. "Sure."

"Do

it."

he said. "Try."

This time they gave If

I

me

ten shells.

had not done what

or had not the

gift to

do

it

I

did then

—

if I

had not

no matter how hard

I

tried so hard,

tried,

or

if

some-

thing had gone wrong, the gun. the bullets, or the cold finally over-

whelming

Who

my can

aim. would

it

all

have happened to me. anyway?

know what might have made

a difference?

Or

if

anv

— VICTOR HERMAN

41

.

Who

made?

difference could have been

can know

point or on the basis of which small gesture a

what precise

at

life

decided,

is

its

chapters ordained? shot ten bulTs-eyes.

I

And But to

show

doing of

in the I

did

myself.

it

I,

it,

Victor Herman, did that.

began to happen that

it

wanted

I

do

to

my

sealed

I

was a boy, and

I

it.

fate.

wanted

I

off.

TEN I

was never a wise guy when

My

heimer.

was a boy, a smart

I

mother and father were too

maybe too sullen, for But I was cocky. I know

too quiet,

assurance just followed from

box and

and

fight

And

injury, to fear.

stadium,

it

— and

was

I

that sort of thing.

And

that. all

all

I

could not help

the things

I

it.

Self-

could do so well

the sports, and being indifferent to

could shoot

I

surpassing accuracy, as in that little

and

drive,

aleck, a weisen-

strict for that

—

flawlessly,

turned out, with

it

turned out that December morning, there

among

men and

those huddled and staring

boys, there in the magic Russian snow.

That was this bizarre

and

—

was why

said

and It

fire

I

And

the

— and

snowy

men who

bull's-eyes can

word

"bullets," but bullets

its

was someplace new,

silence that

could aim that

I

gray,

—

think

I

whatever they

less

amazed than were

all

the

stood there muttering to each other

I

didn't

know

said,

in

"How

the Russian for the I

said in English,

do you have?" and the American man who had me over, he told the commander what I'd

— and

commander

didn't smile, but turned away.

This was strange to me, something different.

me

at

in

was

was white

rifle

understood his meaning, so

by calling

not earn

life

mark.

was no

you shoot?"

started all this

the

I

I

moved with

commander, or whatever he was,

many

said

it,

a bullet that went to

those boys and

"How many

a vast

could do

was uncanny

disbelief.

knowing

the snow, the

moved through

it

that

rest,

it

land where everything that

My

cockiness did

favor or amusement or even a kind of joshing in return.

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

42

That's the American way, and

was what

it

was used

I

kids with

a scowl.

To To

live in.

kidded.

— and

put

man

that the usual Russian expression

it

more

as

it

actually

a Russian, to be kidded

had executed

I

anyway

shells,

if

I

is

a frown,

they like to kid but not be

I

and humiliated.

to be insulted

hundred meters,

They gave me more

fifteen bull's-eyes in a row.

had apparently

lost the interest of the

my skis and shot seated, shot prone, not made me do it in the snow. But they had cleared

took

they

a place and there

is,

is

at targets set of! at three

—even though

in charge. I

even caring

—but

are a solemn people, just like the hard land they

had been shooting

I

and

them They

to

when someone

presently found out that Russians are humiliated

was

off

rush-work mat there,

a kind of

greasy and

all

black from use.

went home

I

venture

that

— and behold!

That

day

boy reborn.

like a

Just as in a story,

I

was

I

had wanted an ad-

getting

it.

meal downstairs

night, in the course of the evening

in the

Clubhouse, the commander came over to where we were seated.

He

said to me,

"Who

is

your father?"

nodded toward Sam.

I

Then

the

was

sitting

was

saying,

man spoke

and stood by

most of

it

to

my

father,

who

his place listening.

—

that

I

and that the Soviet Federated

I

got up from where he

could get what the

was an excellent Socialist

and man who was an excellent

Republic needed every boy

and therefore

shot,

man

marksman,

shot, a

this

boy must

in his

hand and

report for shooting practice every day.

My father was silent. He had

his

wooden spoon

a

little

So he

was

clear he

was

alarmed and uncomfortable and didn't know what to

say.

he looked foolish and small standing there, and

it

said nothing.

The commander took out

a square of paper and a

"Your name!" he

my

little

green

box. said to

father,

and

my

father gave his

name.

"The boy?" said the commander, and my father gave my name. The commander laid the paper he had down on the table, a certificate

I

could see, and printed

my name

then scribbled something further on down. father,

and then

to

me

he handed the

little

into a place

He

gave

green box.

on

this

it,

and

to

my

VICTOR HERMAN

43

There was a medal cate

was the same "Post

in

it

"We

he said,

With

inside, for

you when

that he turned away,

nothing, and

my

your room," the Russian said to

will tell

Leo was

And

marksmanship.

the certifi-

sort of thing, an award.

boy

the

and we finished our meal.

excited for me, and he kept saying so

moments

and then

father,

come."

to

is

Russian

after the

— but Sam

my mother

left,

said

got up

with Miriam and went back to our room.

The next day, around two was

to

I

liked

I

It

at least

to shoot

— and

was

He

got there.

me

and he told tion

I

go back to the stadium. But there was only that commander

when

there

me

afternoon. Papa told

in the

I

did

incredible.

—

it.

I

me

gave

rifles,

from whatever posi-

liked,

I

shot.

could do

I

three different kinds of

to shoot all

it

near to perfectly, any mark

I

again

—

I

could

or

hit perfectly,

tried.

The man watched and watched, and then he stopped me and

me

gave

another

thought

I

green box

little

— another medal.

was unbelievable,

this

when

until later

they always gave out medals in those days and

much

that

to get one.

outstanding

— and

I

myself, at whatever

thing

I

could do.

But

knew was

I it

in

was

me

mine

getting

and kept that

something

for

wanted something that would declare

was doing

I

was

a

all

truly

on being amazed

right

this

at

extraordinary

anymore:

didn't matter about the medals

It

found out

I

didn't take

it

I

superman, the world's

most astonishing boy. I

was stunned with the prospect

what

of

there, that day, shooting for the unresponsive

watching

was

me

hit

mark

invincible, that a

settled

on

It is

my

after

Russian

who

had,

I

stood

mark, the flowering of a feeling that

I

shoulders.

an easy thing for a boy, a quiet boy, a dreamer, to get an I

had help

— my

natural

me

stance, the unique conditions that caught It

was

my

lieving nothing could stop belief that saved

me was

is

other side of what was to come. The Greeks explain this simply

me

my

out,

and circumprime of

this, to

the irony.

to prove

me, that carried

skill

in the

downfall, beginning to think

crazy perspective on myself. But there

same

could do.

mantle of some kind of miraculous power had

idea of this kind. But

boyhood.

I

For

undoing, still

hold

my this

just as beit

was the

sane and

intact,

to the

—

that the composition of a

COMING OUT OF THE man's virtues yields times read that

has

much

to

.44

But

his vice.

on

theater, what's put

ICE

some

that's what's

as a lesson for those

demonstrated

who

watch. I've some-

thinkers question whether that

do with

whether that theater

life,

in their

is

Greek theater

just a

model of

what should happen but scarcely ever does.

But found

my case

in

my

the Greeks

were

right

—my

strengths sought and

agony.

In the weeks ahead

was

I

number of military encampments of troops here

to be taken to a

installations in the Nizhni area, small

—

away than a day's journey and I was asked show off my remarkable aim. I would come home at night, back to our room in the Clubhouse, a little antic from all the attention I was getting, and Sam and Rose and Leo and Miriam would listen to the few words I and

there, never farther

to shoot for the soldiers, to

would say and look always to say

in

a

little

at the

new medal someone had

colored box. Neither

about any of

this.

They took

it

and

Mama

pressed on me,

nor Papa had

in stride,

much

or didn't take

it

in

went from one dizzying

stride but just kept quiet

about

experience to the next.

was now a member of the shooting team

that

I

had been gotten up out of the residents

and we were taken around basis, to

of

it,

life

in the

to all sorts of places,

compete against military teams and

men from

American on a

Village,

fairly regular

civilian teams,

teams

Spartak and Dynamo.

ELEVEN Russians started taking I

was going

especially as It

it

I

— wherever — not

for a Russian

competing

went

I

— and

just in riflery, but also,

got closer to the spring, in boxing and basketball.

was my coloring

way

me

to lots of places,

that did

it.

the hair and eyes, pale skin

— and

the

had picked up the language so naturally, young enough

to

have no trouble with the accent. I

—even when

got to talking Russian all the time

I

was with

my

family or with other Americans from the Village. But

less

and

less with

Americans

— because

of

all

the sports

I

I

was

kept com-

VICTOR HERMAN peting

More and more

in.

Gorky, playing

was with one team or another from

I

and boxing against other teams

ball

we went

over Russia, or

all

45

.

that

came from

There was one thing the

to them.

Russians took as seriously as getting food and keeping out of the

way

of

someone

and

in authority,

that

was

sports,

when

every kind of sports. Later on, especially flying

and jumping,

saw

I

the relation

any kind of

got into sport

I

between

sports,

constant

this

all

competition and constant encouragement of those

who competed

and the development of a military mind and body.

mean,

was the

exactly sports that In any case,

I

American.

was

It

myself, of

how

readily

bother? Besides,

I

that have to

was proud

I

of

Russian boy,

off as a

the things they were in-

at

wanting to appear to be Russian, and

in this, in it,

guess

I

I

any

felt

I

and even men.

terested in, real Russian boys,

so successful at

that

what did

could pass myself

I

good and even better than they were

Even

was not

It

just that, increasingly,

Why

do with anything?

wasn't

it

got to thinking in Russian, and no longer did

bother to identify myself as an American. less

I

point.

in

being

see myself as a sort of frantic competitor, eager

win the race, regardless of the course that was being run and

to

what the runner might get for In fact,

shooting

I

—because

favorite sport at

rewarded see

me

me

his trouble.

— was Cass — and

did run

just as regularly as

track

my

since

I

I

figured

I

had been doing the

my

saw how much the Russians

for excellence in boxing

take off at what

I

success in school,

original

and

riflery,

was best

at?

why

And

not

let

them

as the weather

warmed somewhat, although even into May and June there was still snow on the ground that first year, I got a chance to show my stuff in all the field events.

my dad

All this time

sometimes

I

was

my

I

saw very

sports.

of Leo,

who

in

and out of there little

go out

too, but

my

I

mainly

I

me

to

off

in the off-hours

home

—because

go along with me,

if

I

we

used

and chop wood,

by now we were

one of the smaller buildings and we had a

would ask Leo

was

doing

family, and hardly anything

in the evenings. In the evenings

could manage

and

at the plant,

to the perimeter of the Village, cut trees,

bring whatever living in

of them,

took to refusing to accompany

might have spent together to

and Leo were working

stove.

And

I

not to help, then just for

company, but he always found an excuse and

after

a

while

I

stopped asking.

There was never too much wood

to burn,

no matter what the

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

season was, and by

this

time

night to cut trees,

saw

logs, split

home. and

I

if I

woods

saw

have ever had a

was

at night

Besides,

go out every

to

them, and drag load after load

religion, that's

prayer to

had to be done

it

He worked

like

was a habit with me

it

up my body, keeping my body strong

as building

it

46

me

—and

me

to

I

Going

right there.

it

—

it

was

my

want

didn't

into those

just like that.

father doing

Leo wouldn't do it. But I was glad to glad to feel good about what I was doing for my body and for my family at the same time. Because, to some extent, I was and my boxing maybe about slightly ashamed about my shooting all my sports because I knew it wasn't for my family, that it it.

day while

all

I

played, and

—

didn't

make

things any different or any better for them.

We'd moved from

the Clubhouse to right across the street,

into a one-story building.

the cooking here and

all

vacy.

my dad

think

I

—

—

—

But Rose

We it

were

was more

perked up a

She

didn't.

one room, but

in

still

like

Mama

home, having more

went from bad to worse. Nothing

just

—

—

her that she was going home, that

tell

and then do

to fix a date,

She did have a date

it

just bide

course,

all

—and Rose

surely to

your time and the future would come

in

own

telling

knew

all

knew

you

its

We

the 1st of October, 1934.

grownups who were always of

except,

of us were

all

it.

—

our three years would be up then

Wasn't

pri-

little bit at first.

cheered her, nothing anyone could say or anyone could do of course, to

did

that too.

be patient, to inevitable

its

accord?

had inconsolably sad — — and even Miriam could We knew She would Not or very but sometimes muted and —and was But Sam nothing about never heard him. Or he word — He had given years — and he would keep no matter what on And was no help here — was and having fun — and was bigger and bigger

But

my mother was

to herself

said

either.

was someone who excelled that

maybe

was some kind tricks,

it

cost.

I

me

I

three

I

to

terrible.

it

did,

if

it.

his

I

it

I

liked

getting

I

it

reputation.

getting a in this

was the Russian

country

style, that

I excelled. It

air that did

of magic in the air, or

my American

maybe

threw them

it,

it

—

that

occurred

maybe

there

was my American

all off

What does a kid know? But he thinks He feels them and that's what I

thinks, really.

it.

noticeably,

loudly,

cry.

it

all

tell.

unceasinelv, sort of

heart

the

sad,

gone out of her

and

these

think

me

win.

things.

Not

let

I

felt.

VICTOR HERMAN would

I

I

4^

my mother

than hear,

see, rather

cry

facing the wall and sobbing. uttering

night

heard her stop herself and then,

I

and quite calmly, as

quietly

it

calmly like this for minutes, she said, "I

—

again

It

was

my

never see

will

I

cause of what

now^

a

life

— and

work

my

never see

will

daughter

Becky."

They gave us two rooms

made

she had been speaking

if

true.

—

was doing on

I

in the

little

building. at the

Maybe

the playing field. But, at any rate,

this

things out between them, that in their solitude together

give up and

But

do

that

woman's sweetness and my

a

Sam

Mama

would

father

would

as she wanted.

didn't help.

it

Sam had

it

a room to themselves way they could begin to

would speak up and make her understand, or wear him down with

was

it

auto plant or be-

Sam and Rose had

better.

had the idea that maybe

I

same

Sam and Leo were doing

because of what

if

— but one

heard her sobbing to herself as she so often did now. She was

relented?

changed nothing. And could we have gone

It I

think so

—

in

those early years, before the

I think we still could have gotten out. know that now since coming home to the States, to know that others got out in time.

trouble began, the purges,

Others did. Detroit,

I

Didn't

Reuther brothers get out, Victor and Walter?

the

Weren't they

And

—

I

— —before

American Village with us

in the

they got out, got back.

And

others did too

1935?

as late as

the trouble

started.

But we stayed

—we

Things got tougher all

in tool

and

die.

faster.

now,

first

Leo was

that into the design

shop

as a in

— and

time.

we were

I

it

wasn't sports for

was expected

to

mechanic and thereafter

the drafting shop, and he

— and my

not the

dead.

After a while

most of the

the time or even

shift in the plant

stayed right on

my mother was

only ones. But by then

father

was foreman

keep

as a

me

to a

worker

went from

body

in the

shop.

The

plant

was a shot-down version of

and for the most part things went

it

was

wrong more

the River

Rouge

plant,

a mess. Safety features were haphazard,

often than not, and

it

was pretty much

a

matter of chaos.

And

it

was

cold.

Working around

work you couldn't do with gloves on,

it

all

that metal

and doing

was very hard for

all

con-

COMING OUT OF THE cerned.

You

—

and someat dawn and on the job at eight some wood beforehand if the supply I'd brought in at

seemed shy of

the weather

48

were up

times I'd cut night

ICE

was

like

lasting the

day for

my

mother. But whatever

and no matter how early we got

our shops,

to

the Russians were always there ahead of us, already working away. It

was

were doing

But most of them didn't know what they

incredible.

—

these were not mechanics or skilled laborers

women and

were peasants, untrained men and

they could do to keep from getting themselves killed or the machinery. But the machinery wasn't the worst of cold, cold iron

When sians did.

and cold

steel that

—

It

it.

your fingers could freeze

was

the

to.

they finished their

shifts,

they went to school, the Rus-

Whereas those of us

in the

American Village who worked

—us Americans or Germans or Austrians or —we'd go back our or Clubhouse and down and have meal — with whatever was warm us heat —because and even some

there

a

never any heating

off

from the congestion of working people.

schooling stopped

None

of us in the

was

except what was generated by the

in the factory,

machines and given

to the

sort of

there

after the factory

to

Finns,

buildings

to

Italians

sit

tion.

all

maimed by

alongside them

My

these

who had

boys,

when

American

I

left

Detroit,

Village,

my

formal educa-

none of the boys or

girls

of any nationality, were going to anything like a school. Like the

men and women we worked with, we just went back to our places and did what we wanted to do and then went of! to bed. And while we were sleeping, the Russians we'd just put in a day with were off somewhere

in the cold, sitting in

some place

that

was probably

just

as cold as the auto shops, and going to school.

—

The little kids, it was different with them with Miriam. Miriam went to school, and she kept on going to school in the American Village and then in Gorky. I was long gone by then when Miriam was graduated from university and from medical school. I was someplace else when she became a pediatrician. I was someplace Miriam couldn't have dreamed of, a kid who had grown up pretty much in Russia. Maybe Sam knew something about the kind of place I was in or could at

—

—

least guess

about

must have gotten

way back

to

it

from things he must have heard. By then people

stories out,

and the

stories

Sam, but he would never have

must have made

told

their

Miriam.

But of course Miriam eventually knew. In the end, she must have known about most of

it

—or anyhow,

enough of

it.

Because

VICTOR HERMAN

49

she changed the kind of medicine she practiced from pediatrics to

pathology

— and

what she practices

that's

in the Soviet

Union

to this

day. She's there to this day, in Gorky, examining the diseased tissue

and the dead when what she wanted

of the dying

do was

to

to bring

Hfe into the world.

me why

She told the

work she

was her way of

It

apart.

I

before

I

left for

America, why she changed

did.

me

kissing

think that's what

was

it

across

— and

all

the years that

we were

despair.

TWELVE Even now, so long Janna asleep

my

daughters Sveta and

tight

from the meals they

after that black time,

my

in their beds,

have put before me,

still

wake up gasping

often

I

belly

At

for food.

three,

me not yet digested, I come me wild, an old insanity gone

four in the morning, the last meal in

—

jolting out of sleep

mad

the

hunger

again. It is

my

brain, not

my

wakes me.

belly, that

ate tree slugs those years

I

when

and other things that meant meat

slugs

was

fed but the brain's craving to

in

me

not.

to

It is

I

was

my a

starving.

belly,

I

ate tree

and the belly was

madness

that

still

comes

at night.

In the spring of 1932 attention I

I

was entered

meter run and took

in the

ever

I

into a

in the

scored

in

1

could do on the track overtook the

meet

I

this

It is

I

— placed

first in

the 100-

cannot remember what place

my

overall

I

Howperformance put me

in the running.

on the Russian team

officially repre-

precisely the word. Sports were very

—before work.

morning

time that

for the plant, then for track.

could do with a gun.

was somewhere

for a spot

trained early in the

was around

I

Gorky

in

the high jump,

mark

senting Gorky. Officially.

It

I

broad jump.

high jump, but

well over the

official.

what

had been getting for what

I

got two trips to

Moscow

—

first

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

50

—

About thirty vehicles had been assembled cars and mainly Model AA trucks and these must have been the first batch the Gorky plant had turned out, and as I understood it from Sam, the idea was to make a. big thing of this in Moscow, to really put on and Moscow wanted those vehicles there, to put on display, a show but the trouble was there weren't enough people who knew how to drive them. It's hard to imagine, but among all those workers there at the auto plant, there were not thirty men who knew how to drive. But maybe that's not so hard to imagine. How many of them would have owned a car? As a matter of fact, there were only sixteen of us who could drive a man named McCarthy, an American who ranked high at the Gorky plant, fourteen Russian engineers, all of whom I'd taught

—

—

—

myself back there hicles could

in the States,

was assigned a

I

and me.

And

so only sixteen ve-

go to Moscow, thirteen trucks and three

cars.

truck.

remember Sam was anxious about my going to Moscow, I J know why, but he seemed nervous about it. He kept cautioning me to do as I was told, to keep my mouth shut and just do my job. He talked a little bit about how things were going to get better. I

don't

It is in this

I

was always

as he

respect that

my

father and

was captivated by

were very

learn to be captives of the time that

are

my

come.

best for us

is

different.

by the moment now

his prospect of the time to

we a

I

fixed in the present, as captured

—

suppose

I

and

dad's sort of man, an idealist, a thinker, the present

is

if

you

never

good place of residence.

He

tore off

for the trip.

some

tickets for

me from

But they proved unusable

American Village would they

get

his

—only

food ration card in the store in the

you any food, and

that

was only

bread.

He was It

first

worried about me. That was plain.

was 320 miles

to

Moscow.

experience, good practice

I

did

it

—two days

on no food.

was, this

It

and two nights without

anything.

The snow was heavy even nothing you could really

Not

far outside of

then, in early spring

— and

there

was

call a road.

Gorky

the military

man who came

with us

kept hopping out and trotting ahead to chase the peasants out of their

homes. He'd herd them ahead of us to the place he called a

road, and they would have to trample the

snow

to

make

a

way

for

— VICTOR HERMAN

51

US to pass. This went on

from

all

that distance

village to village, that military

from Gorky

man hopping

Moscow,

to

out and trotting

ahead, tumbling farmers and their families from sleep to clear a

path for the sixteen black machines that went clattering through the dark.

What

the things

we drove must have looked

those

to

like

people, jerked out of their dreams to the nightmare that was our

mad

procession through the snow!

Thirteen trucks were in the lead, and three cars came behind

and one of the into a gulley

lighter vehicles

— and

would sometimes crumple sideways man would holler and try to get

the military

those peasants to push the black thing out of him, not one of

them would go near

Three hundred twenty miles of

—except

to

push a car back

in line

was pretty good time.

We

slept that night in

Moscow.

it,

this!

—but even

would touch

But we stopped for nothing

—and two days and two —

one of the factories there

had thought we'd be rewarded, but we

I

in their fear

that car.

slept

nights

there in

on the

floor.

Most of that next day we just kept driving our cars and trucks around Moscow, showing them off to the people who everywhere crowded close

to get a look at them. It

those people carried on. There

was a thing

me now

how

was hardly even any cheering, they

were so moved by what they saw. They wept openly credible to

to see,

— men and women

—

it

seems

in-

crying to see the things that

Russia had produced.

Somewhere

in

Moscow we

and walked around a kinks.

No

ing over

little

how I positioned myself, there were and patting me on the back, saying all sorts I

— she was her dark eyes — snatched

woman

in

was

I

got out

stretching myself, easing out the

matter

express their admiration.

dark,

stopped for a time, and

bit,

starting

thirties,

back

to

my

people comof things to

truck

when

a

with astonishingly white skin and

me by my

sleeve and asked

if

I

were

American.

answered in Russian, "What makes you think so?" "The way you walk," she said in English. "You walk

I

like

an

American." "I didn't in

know Americans had

a special walk,"

I

said,

Russian.

"Then you "All right,"

are an American," she said, again in English. I said, in

English

now

myself.

"What

of it?"

still

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

52

me why you do this. Why you help them, the Soviets? make the Soviets strong, then you keep us under their thumb. Tell me why you help them!" "Tell

You

help

She kept snatching

was

my

at

sleeve

—and

could see that she

I

really angry.

said nothing.

I

I

away from her and

pulled

strolled

back

to

my

truck.

know what

didn't

I

wrong.

And

then

thing that passed

mother's things I

put

it

I

—

it

—

those other people

all

done something

man

thought of that customs

I

my

any-

at

my

fingering

through that bleak window.

mind.

That evening we were

was having a good

I

appear

to

and McCarthy made certain just getting into the

of

a rage, suggesting I'd

in

thought of those Kulaks hurling rocks

in the light

out of

make

to

woman

overjoyed, and this

I

at a

time.

banquet

Kremlin,

in the

appreciated what an honor this was,

Kremlin, a rare thing indeed.

was

In those days the Kremlin

most trusted and important.

It

was

virtually shut to all but the

There

fear, mainly.

just

is

no

calculating the degree of paranoia that festered in the Soviet chieftains then. Like everything else at this time in

excessive,

more or to

beyond

less

all

relation to reason.

impenetrable then

—but

be driving the cars and trucks right

Some

was going

I

Army men

was

in

was

life,

—we were going

in.

we were

distance from the Kremlin

boarded by

it

the Kremlin

Russian

Anyhow,

— they climbed

hailed

down and

into the backs of the trucks

and into the cabs and took up all the passenger seats in the cars. It was * driving with three in the front of that truck, but those two troopers weren't budging for anything.

And

as

we were loading all up posi-

these troopers up, tanks appeared, four of them, and took tions to the front, rear, tion,

we drove

We

and

sides of us

— and

like that, in that

forma-

into the Kremlin.

got inside into a kind of courtyard and lined ourselves

up

and shut down, and two members of the Politbureau, Comrades

Kaganovich and Ordzhonikidze, came out leave the vehicles and

come with

were leaving the vehicles to

sit

looked

at

to

meet

us.

They

and McCarthy said that

said if

we

for a while, we'd have to run the

water out of the radiators or else cials

us,

it

each other and back

would at

freeze.

So the two

McCarthy, and then

offi-

said,

"Wait here." They went back into where they'd come from, and by

— VICTOR HERMAN

now

I

was getting

53

out of a

like a fortress

and

a look around,

was

it

book about knights

a thing to see, all right,

— and

about forty

after

move we made,

minutes, with those troopers watching every

the

came back out again and said it was okay to do it, to take the water out. So we drained the radiators into the buckets that we carried, and when the water started coming out, it came out steaming and as if they'd had a command, all those troopers surtwo

oflficials

—

rounded

and they looked very worried. But one of the Russian

us,

engineers that was driving with us said no, not to worry, nothing

was going

to explode,

and everybody calmed down, and we went

two

inside, all of us following those

The banquet was going and the two

was not

showy

wasn't any of that. I

realized

it

could

now and

It

was the warmth. time

first

But not

at

felt just

you

to be

really

You just got you were warm when you comprehend any of

— some now,

all

and

gilt

wood carved everywhere, going

with

all

And

it

Big Hall

was not

me

that

I

the giant paint-

But

—churchly and — once not

There was a long table up

The

tables set

little bit

sixteen of us

up

the

way up

feet, that thick.

reverent.

that didn't last long

lin officials.

all

the people that were already in there, the place

was hushed, dim, radiant

a

didn't actually in the

—

around you, and the carpet beneath your

And even

many

me

really

you thought

registered with

around

was

were on the walls, everything gilded and glowing, and the

statuary,

and

all

And you

really was.

had

cold,

still

body was always

you were

until

warm

began to see the spectacle that was

the cold

after a while,

it

really weren't.

this until

you were

part of your

so used to

over again what

all

that parts of

until this large difference in things

ings that

was cold you

warm for a while back at the warm all over. You got up close

warm somewhere. But

the time

all

complaining.

and realized

in

warm

really all-over it

it

somewhere, and parts of you warmed up, and

to the stove or a fire

it

—

was warm everywhere

It

had been

I

those tables

all

on the Leviathan. Sure, when

you probably weren't even aware nagging

thing you noticed

first

then get acceptably

Village.

so good

and the

in,

they had in there or the really dazzling

stuff

was the

since the crossing

American

what they called the Big Hall

and trays of bottles that covered

plates of food

there.

took us right

officials

the

all

be

to

officials.

in

in the

higher than

all

front,

and

all sat at

the drinking got started. it

was for the high Krem-

separate tables. There were

room, but the ones we were

sitting at

were

those others because they had been jacked

COMING OUT OF THE up a few inches,

ICE

54

above the

to raise us

rest

being honored or to show us off to the

even to keep an eye on

number

had, the

around

us,

wanted

to

eat. I

Aside from

am

tea,

not a drinker

days drink was the

last

us we were Maybe it was

show

to

or both.

that really have

many

We

been the case?

waiters standing at attention

and they were dressed

And

Gorky.

Could

us.

of us, as

—

rest,

in frock coats.

I

all

was hungry.

I

had had nothing since leaving

I

—not even

thing you'd get

wine, and surely in those

down me, an

boy

athlete, a

with medals on his mind.

But there was a then a toast for the

leader

toast for the great

Comrade

the second car, a toast for the second truck

—and

other things were discovered suitable for toasting

that

had produced the

first

this

men

vehicles, the

that

And

so on.

this,

man, then

Stalin,

car, a toast for the first truck, a toast for

first

—

after

the factory

had driven them here,

man, and so on. Then the toasting was

that

elevated to grander concerns, to the coming of industry, to the

strengthening of the Soviet, to finally again to

Comrade

The assembly was

Comrade

this

and Comrade

that,

and

Stalin.

in

an uproar

at the

mention of

name,

Stalin's

and promptly thereafter word was passed around among the tables that it

Comrade

was not

appeal to

Stalin might indeed put in an appearance, but that

certain, that this

one could only hope of

a series

possibility,

— and

then, as

if

was offered

toasts

name, praising achievements as recently won as

in in

an his

that very morning,

extraordinary things, undreamt-of accomplishments!

smoked sturgeon and wolfed it down. Was I really going to see the famous Joseph Stalin? I had no clear notion what Stalin was or why the Russians got so worked up about him. I mean, I knew very well, of course, served myself a chunk of

I

that he

was

their leader, but like all national leaders to

what could he be but

time,

than Coolidge?

a bore?

Than Hoover?

How

Would he be any

in the

me

at that

less

boring

world could anyone with

Hoover or a those fellows was any-

a job like that be one whit different from a Herbert

Calvin Coolidge? thing to get

all

And

surely neither of

excited about. But the people in the Big Hall were

Comrade

out of their minds with the widening rumor that

might honor us by presenting himself I

was

of course prepared

by

at the

this

time to go along with a

my

of Russian craziness. But

how

make

wildness over a politician?

sense out of

all this

Stalin

banquet.

could a boy of

lot

age and interests I

put

it

down

— — VICTOR HERMAN to the

55

drunkenness that was

before had

I

unsettling,

maybe

seen so

scary,

who was contemptuous this boisterous

all

little still

worn out from

myself

silly

combined sort of

that insobriety

all

around me. Never

—

was a

little

especially to a

boy

And mind

you,

of the very idea of alcohol.

with

pomp and

its

It

mystery. Yes,

what was going on

frightening to me,

parading around

all

one place.

in

carrying on was unfolding in a setting that had

me

already stunned

spreading

fast

many people drunk

in that big

my

in

truck

was

all

make me

funhouse

feel

very odd, as

at a carnival

the

day, and I'd been stuffing

all

with food. All that and what was erupting around

to

a

was

I

Gorky and from

the long, wild trip from

Moscow

it

room.

had wandered

if I

and everybody was

in

into

me

some

on the joke

except me.

And

then something was disclosed to

even crazier it

what with

—because all

I

and

noticed,

was going on, but

that

waiters at each of the elevated tables

made everything know how I noticed

that

don't

I I

me

noticed that only one of the

was actually serving anybody

anything, and that the others were just watching us, and that under-

neath their frock coats, in each case on the

left

where a shoulder holster would place

it,

of a pistol pushing out the cloth.

gave

me

going to

tell

made me I'd

think which thing was

seen Stalin, or almost had?

that

I

side right

was

around

the clear outline

a terrible start, and

my

father

first

—

that

saw gunsels masquerading

bodyguards?

as waiters, bodyguards, real I

I

Or

It

there

someone saying Molotov was there, Kaganovich would Stalin not be there? And then someone else said

heard

was

there,

that

if

Molotov was there and Kaganovich was

been honored enough! said, no, no,

And

Comrade

would not be there

—

then someone

Stalin,

was

it

it

had

just

there,

all

the other illustrious guests present

thing went on and on.

For

thirty

in the

Big Hall,

— and

in

minutes or more the expectation

of nervous passion,

first

him

at all,

was whipped up

into a pitch

down, then maybe, then no, then and when all this had contrived to

up, then

well, possibly, yes, possibly

heighten the tension

until

drunk or sober, a wild enthusiast for

that vast hall,

Stalin or not interested in

Gorky

this sort of

went up, then the expectation went down, then up again everyone

me

was much too busy

moments

but that he sent his warmest respects to the heroes of the plant and to

already

been quietly announced,

regrettable, but he

with state business to spare even a few

we had

at the table behind

in that

—

room

to

something

just short of hysteria.

COMING OUT OF THE someone suddenly

ICE

56

rose at the head table, struck his goblet for

and declared that Comrade

silence,

was able

Stalin

to steal a

few

seconds from some very important thing he was doing and that,

he would, for

yes,

just a

few seconds, join us and extend

who were

ings to all those

present to celebrate this great

his greet-

moment

in

Soviet history.

was pandemonium.

It

You

could hardly see him for

was going on, the com-

all that

motion, the screaming. It

was

quite a show.

I

told

Sam

seem

to

about

all

it.

I

told

my mother

But she didn't

too.

pay much attention.

When

made

Stalin

his little

appearance and went on

briefly to

congratulate the great Socialist heroes, workers and heroes

all,

who

operated the Gorky plant, he ended by exhorting everyone to try harder, produce more, give

it

all

you've got.

Did the man have any notion what working

Work

was

like?

my

Moscow

in

all,

my mind was

it

sensational, and

applauded too, but

I

all

I

about was working harder for the track meet

really thinking

coming up thing

almost had to laugh.

harder? Produce more?

The applause was was

I

in that plant

was

in the

that.

summer.

If I

was going

to give any-

Yet by the time that track meet arrived,

miles away, thousands of feet above the turf the meet

was held on, nowhere near the stadium

which

in

ran and

I

jumped

with the best of them. It

happened

Sam had tirely

—

shift in

I

told

the course that

time.

is

me

opened

my

life. I

not at

this

to

it

way. Something drew

keep

enough

my mouth

first

traveling.

my

attention elsewhere.

—but

I

didn't, not en-

to set the stage for the next miraculous

Miraculous? Yes.

was

shut

A new

marvel was introduced onto

But marvels can be monstrous, and

if

needs

is

sight evident, then give

it

time, for

all

it

VICTOR HERMAN

.57

THIRTEEN At

seemed

the proceedings

last

down

where we were

looking

my

at

The

dad

who was

paper and wondering that

was assigned

I

to,

in,

then going to

when

a

young

stationed himself in front of me.

— and — forty-one or

fellow was a general

my

we were

there, near the exit of the building

slip of

tell me where the thing was man walked briskly over and

older than

paper showing

slips of

to be quartered for the night.

was standing

I

and we were marched

finished,

and handed

to the first floor again

much

he couldn't have been

-two, a

little

more.

He

just stood

way and introduced himself. His whole manfrom what I'd come across in Russian officials so

there in a very relaxed

ner was different far

— none

tremendous formality and reserve.

of that

In what

was

really a very offhand

manner, he

said,

am

"I

General Tukachevsky." It

was amazing.

heard more often than this it

Tukachevsky

was a name

It

I'd

— not

a

knew

right

away, a name

heard Stalin, even.

Sam

used to talk about

I

name you'd

easily forget

I'd

once you'd heard

a couple of times. "I've heard of you,"

your father

The

I've

I

"Unless

said.

fellow actually smiled

behavior, given "It is

I

—

I

beg your pardon

—

it's

heard of."

my

fix

—

you have heard

"You were a hero

another remarkable piece of

still

on uniformed

Soviets.

of," he said

and

War,"

in the Civil

just stood there smiling. I

"My

said.

father told

me." I

time.

had almost said the Russian Did

I

want

tremendous fun

I

to lose this

was having

Civil

game at

I

War, but stopped myself

was playing with myself,

seeing

how

well

I

in

this

could get away

with seeming a Russian?

"Of course your

father told

you of me,"

this

young smiling

man said. "Every good Soviet father tells his son of Tukachevsky." And he laughed. And then he abruptly stopped his laughter and said, "You did not drink the toasts. Why?"

COMLNG OUT OF THE And

ICE

me

alarmed

that

58

but then

at first,

thought, just

I

him

tell

the truth.

"Because

"And

Now

am

I

I

we

feel

to help us build.

think

said.

I

me

complimented by

of the

that

like

I

smiled,

Americans who have

Very good."

amused him, something

I

there

"I'm an American. But

for a Russian."

this.

One

"Yes, very good.

said,

stood

a Russian?" he said.

can get people to take

if I

hoping he would

come here

said.

I

you are not

laughed. "That's right,"

I

I like to see

He

an athlete,"

also because

my

in

manner. In any event,

an uncomfortable

for

moment, both

smiling.

And

me

then he asked

and

an utterly insane question,

thought he was kidding me, or that he was so

at

ill

ease over having

much

gotten himself into a conversation with me, because I'm not of a talker, at least not to

make

when

it

comes

I

to the kind of talk you've got

in a situation like this, that I'd

made him

so uncomfortable

he'd say anything just to keep the conversation going or end

it

with

a final stroke.

He

my

said,

"What kind

looked

I

at the

do you

of airplanes

guy, bewildered.

fly?"

thought, well,

I

maybe

it's

Russian. I said, "I

He

am

an American, General."

You

know.

said, "I

speak Russian

course you are an American.

like

an American. Of

know. Tell me, what kind of

I

air-

planes do you fly?" I

the

began to think he was a

—and

man I

said, "Is

He

figured

I

my

said, "It

do you

of airplanes It

was

"General,"

part of

about.

How

long could this go on?

said, "I don't fly airplanes."

if

I

was good."

—

are an

He

stood there looking at

in the

me and

arm, just the way a kid

at

he thought you were horsing around with him. I

what was funny. But

it

to say to

it all.

fly?"

to laugh too, but

this.

thought

to sidestep

not that good.

it is

— and then he poked me

figure out

I

know what

didn't

You sound like an American. Now, answer me what kind

good. But

again, he laughed.

home would do I tried

I

I

would be best

getting really hot there.

And now, winking

lunatic. it

Russian that bad?

is

American and you

maybe

couldn't.

He was

didn't think that

I

couldn't because

I

couldn't

crazy. That

was the only funny

would be

good thing

a

to laugh

—

—

VICTOR HERMAN

59

calmed himself and he

Finally, he

said, with terrific gravity,

"Be serious with me. What kind of airplanes do you repeated that

I

At

I

did not

airplanes.

fly

he flew into a great excitement. "American," he

this

"what do you mean you do not car? Did

you not drive a car

"Yes,

I

did,"

said

I

"American," he

Now,

in

said,

not drive a

Moscow?"

to

one drives a

said, "if

car,

one

an airplane.

flies

fly?"

He

like this for three or four minutes.

What

man

the

— those they could — because

went together

the States

Can you

America, what kind of airplanes do you

utterly disbelieving.

things

airplanes?

fly

and waited for more.

went back and forth

It

was

me,

tell

fly?"

did believe was that the two

that could drive could fly

—

he figured everybody

at least in

in the States

had both an automobile and an airplane. I it

suppose

was hard

man

thinking that. Surely,

at that

time Russians, most

hard to reckon with a

it is

for

me

—

But

at the time.

Russians, at least very

many

Russians, entertained the most fan-

notions about the United States, what

tastic

was

there

life

like

what people had and how they lived and what they lived with.

week

earlier, a

track team, the

Russian

who was

Gorky team,

America because he wanted

helping with the coaching of the

told

I'd

do

and that all

it,

if

began to

I

visit

So we got

went from one coast

to

realize

to the other,

was plastered with nothing but skyscrapers, here this general facing me, the famous

heard

certain that driving did,

one day he would

And

every square foot.

Russian hero

that

and as we talked

that the fellow thought skyscrapers

that the entire U.S.

me

to see the skyscrapers.

talking about the skyscrapers,

A

my own

and

flying

was absolutely

father talk about,

were things everybody

in

you could do one you could do the other

America

— and did

the time.

At any even then,

I

rate, still

it

took a while to straighten him out, and then,

wasn't positively sure he didn't think

I

was

still

kidding him. But whatever he really thought, his next question was a lulu. If anyone has ever asked

wanted

to hear asked, this

"Would you drive. It

will

You

should

like to fly. It

was

it

go to

will

me

a question that

this

was

my whole

heart

that question.

flying school?" he said.

be easy to learn.

You

"You can

are an American.

be easy to learn."

All

I

could do was nod.

I

nodded.

He said, "All right, American. I will arrange it." He asked me what my name was and where

I

lived,

and

I

COMING OUT OF THE could barely speak.

nodding as

did

I

ICE

60

gave him

I

all

"Very good," he

and put out

said,

General Tukachevsky himself

I

address

and kept

it.

"Very good, American. Consider

And

that information twice

will

hand

his

arranged.

it

arrange

to

shake mine. arrange

will

I

it.

it."

he did.

recall

my

—my

name

"Please write

saying,

it

down

— my

name and

Victor Herman, American Village outside

is

of Gorky."

But he did not write

American.

down. He

was so crazy with excitement.

I

this.

it

just said,

I

not worry,

know how

didn't

kept thanking him and thanking him

I

"Do

will not forget."

I

— and

to close

once or

tried

And it was killing me to come up my feeling, and said, "You can call

twice to shake his hand again.

with something expressive of

I

me Comrade Herman," and Tukachevsky

just grinned

and replied,

"Very good. Victor. Very good." was about four days

It

later that

I

got back to

my

family,

all

way home on the train reciting to myself the sentence that would make up the stories had to tell. So much of it was all so special the bizarre journey to Moscow, the parading of the cars and trucks, the troopers and the the

I

—

tanks, the Kremlin, that vast hall

and kind

I

showing up.

Stalin rest of

it.

where there was food of a wealth

had never seen, the hysteria of the people

mv

*

and how warm

Tukachevsky!

F/v//Jt,'

.

and

Stalin,

school!

Mv

LVCKIES

them about seeing

the

ornament and the

was. and what happened afterwards

it

dream come

Mama

But what would that mean to told

all

in that place.

true!

and Papa? Had

I

ever

up there? About seeing myself up

there too. writing on the sky?

No.

boy

to

I

tell

So

I

had never told

my

parents

much

mv

parents that.

— and

I

was not the

sort of

not a thing like that.

said nothing about that at

first

— and maybe — —

it

wouldn't

Maybe the fellow really was a lunatic, as I had originallv belie\ed. Or he would forget or something. Yet I just knew it would knew it would happen because look what reallv

happen, anvwav.

—

I

had already happened, amazing pletely unexpected things. After

can boyi

If that

Yes, what!

things, all,

completely astonishing, com-

here

I

was

in Russia,

could happen, what could not happen?

an Ameri-

—

—

VICTOR HERMAN At then

one

that age

his audience

why

—

f,\

not embarrassed to address himself before

is

Herman, what?

to say, yes, Victor

Why

Herman, picked

not a bushel, Victor

Because a man could choke on so much In any case,

I

me

right with

told about Stalin instead

no great

parents, but with all

two potatoes

If

not three, four?

—

I

interest that

had no great

preparing for

interest in

it

not!

my

listened,

And

that

was

myself. There

was

was coming up.

and there was a dream

to win,

—because maybe

why

— and they

the Spartakiad to get ready for, the track meet that

There were more medals

is

could see.

I

you?

just for

that

to begin

wasn't going to be just a dream

it

anymore.

LUCKIES. American

the

went

I

to sleep that night, that

Village, spelling

over and over again,

it

white smoke poured out over crystalline blue, with the motion as

night back in

first

in

smoke,

my body

rode the arcs and angles of those

I

in

turning letters

through the sky.

FOURTEEN I

was entered

into the

Vodopyanov school

of aviation

an appointment that came through not long after

Moscow. good

his

—

my

did not have to wait that long for Tukachevsky to

I

promise.

Perhaps

if

He remembered,

right

all

he had only forgotten.

But how can

I

say that

.

.

—even

— my name and

make

address.

.

now? His promise

delivered

—

What it delivered with that dream, so be it that is all me now. Rose and Sam and Leo oh, yes, Leo were struck dumb by But Miriam's delight was more to my taste. She ran around me

a dream.

behind

—

—

it.

Gorky

in

return from

making buzzing sounds and dive-bombing with her hands. I

family //

it

cannot remember

how

was

all this

so.

little

cruel

—

came about

Perhaps

would amount

I

but

this perfectly,

— and

thought

its

to a bigger kick for

and show-offy, as

if

I

don't

just

I

think

I

never told

know why

that

was

my so,

happening out of the blue

them.

Or perhaps

these things just

I

was being

happened

to

a

me

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

62

and who knew why? Because why. Or maybe

knowing Perhaps

that I

had met

I

thought

Who

was so wonderful, obviously

I

my dad

did not want to give

I

I

honored Tukachevsky.

his

was paying my father back

is

the polish of an adult's account of things.

I

I

my

named

is

it

all

it

better

Russian

flyer

— me, an Ameri-

continued to work a

I

maker,

in that shop.

still

Leo had moved into the design shop, a more imand so that was good for us, for sustaining our

think

portant post

—

—because good But my mother worsened —

things were happening to

affection for each other

him

after a

— and

shift in the factory, still a tool-and-die I

One's

to give

Perhaps

uniform, the uniform of a flying cadet

can, a Russian flying cadet, in uniform

By now

—

at all.

attended school, Vodopyanov,

wore

don't know.

I

in the past?

to judge himself too harshly, perhaps

not to raise the question

that's

for something.

can remember subtle motives so far

inclination

—

the pleasure of

too.

steadily, rapidly.

And my

father kept to his even course

—

future that

was before

of the great

to,

Hermans, were bringing

that we, the

us,

unbending,

silent,

always speaking, when he spoke, when he was made

about.

send

He did not talk of sacrifice anymore. The my mother from the room sobbing. My shift in the tool-and-die shop had me on

until four,

went

and then from there

to chasing girls.

a couple of them.

so

I

At

I

He was

least

went

I

I

—

Vodopyanov and Leo some of them,

getting serious about

he said

But

And Miriam had

so.

tried to hide

I

rarely reveal emotion

my

her school

Okay?

excitement.

— sadness makes me even

I

was

wasn't

It

quieter than

normally am, and only the sweetness of some gesture of human

sympathy or giving makes me want ever visible in as

to

from eight

the job

guess the three of us were getting along okay.

getting along great!

hard.

very word would

—

me

anyone does.

—even though

I

Emotions are hardly

to cry.

feel

them

as thoroughly,

But how does one know? These

I

think,

things cannot be

measured.

But

By seemed

I

was very happy

then.

the winter of 1932 to

I

was

in the air,

up where

be waiting for me, the airborne creature

to be, transfigured

by the feeling that

I

I

all

my

life

always wanted

would never come down.

VICTOR HERMAN

^63

.

soloed that winter.

I

a time to think about, that winter

It is

on that biting

to the factory, to sleep

— and be waked

at

— sometimes

morning and going

that airfield until three in the

dawn when

shop

floor of the

staying at

from there

right I

worked

the Russian workers started

in

coming

noisy in their happy agitation to be where the food was, a bit

in,

of bread,

some awful soup.

U-2

practiced in an aircraft called the

I

—

a

little

with a 100-horsepower motor. Getting that thing to in winter,

you cannot imagine what happened

the temperatures,

into the air

that took. Everything, given

slow motion

in

we used

having to preheat the benzine

biplane affair

fly

— heating

the

even

oil,

as fuel, getting everything

heated up beforehand, the liquids, before you could put them the engine, in the tank.

You had

U-2's.

want

didn't

to

in that

cold, people included take, it

hours just

was a

— but

firing line

— and

even kept

at

boxed for

petition

— and,

until she died,

to

did

it

—

good

that

did

was going,

it

the study for your pilot's certifi-

in a

year and a

was so mad with energy

I

just

move in and maybe it

flying plane.

was on the track or

it

little

to

ready to go. But once

half.

The

will in

at that

me

or on the

in the ring

time in

my

life,

Gorky Spartak, them, still now and then did some shooting in comI remember this now, still chopped wood for Rose those things too,

still

still

ran for the

went out there most every day, though now

sneak the time, do

went out there

still

I

to take,

— and

in

it

—nothing wanted

seemed

it

a three-year school

here was no less than

still

— and

to get that plane

cate took that long

I

cold

swell plane, reliable, a really

was

It

there were no starters on those

crank the prop and crank the prop

move

to

And

it

whenever

to the birches

I

could lever

and

it

but,

in,

I

had

anyhow,

surrounded

to the pines that

the

American Village and chopped and sawed and

I'd

sawed, so that Rose would have kindling and enough

split the logs that

wood

of a

heavier grade to carry her through a day, a night. In that year

school

— always

week, and then

why

I'd

and a half

for I

was four times kicked out of

that

no reason given and always for a few days

to a

would be

I

reinstated,

been kicked out, although

cadets, not

from anyone

have expected

if I

in

somebody

and eventually

And

it

found out

was what

had not been such an innocent. else high up,

I

was only from one of

authority.

was an American, and What the said to

it

It

the other I

would

was because

I

devil, somebody high up must have was an American doing in a Russian

COMING OUT OF THE flying school?

ICE

But then

64

was always taken back

I

—because,

Comrade, General Tukachevsky ordered

fellow high up, because,

Somewhere

around

in here,

—

A

GPU, anyway.

the

GPU

was behind

that

time of in and out,

this

idea of what the Secret Police was

about

all

few of the cadets

it.

began

It

the

said fast.

to fly

I

got

way up to

it,

thought

I

on the ground looking up

there over

my

—

was what the word

it

You make you,

turn,

left

a

to the sides, and land.

was

my

first

said,

way but

I

first

was

felt like

me,

like that for

to the altitude they

tell

some more, one more

left

do

to

about half a mile

flight,

comes

the instructor

over

it

out,

makes

a few

—two boxes— and

—

my instructor a flyer during the Civil War. Up again. Citizen Herman," and I was on my It

wasn't much, flying that sort of pattern,

I

—and

felt

that

was

my

first

—

from

my

had

that feeling I'd

time with Galina.

myself lofted into some kind of dizzying soaring

when Svetlana came, and when Janna came this

other

— amazing,

completely dizzy thing Galina made that

must have

it

had

I

stamped

—up

that feeling again only once

solo flight

different

be, just as

LUCKIES

terrific.

had

Oh,

and

in,

time up alone.

"Up. Again.

was

always

it

It

box

a simple

It's

Then

for the second box.

it

would

it

to see

fly

Samsonov, he was

He

— and

there.

solo

first

up you go again

suggestions, and that

it

turn again,

left

come down.

turn and

the

says.

box your

fly,

said fast

head and guessing what

be the fellow that had stamped

flying

was

it

heard more and

I

certificate.

Flying was like the thing

imagined

or the Secret Service

always got back

I

it!

my first

got

I

me know

let

it's

it

is

—

sound

to be a

— GPU, way sounds when — mainly muttered and But got — and my

more I

again

in

could only surmise, somebody else high up had said to the other

I

—but

their births

exhilarating, but not

me

were

like that

time in bed,

feel that first

Samsonov made me feel when he let me go up, and I did it. He liked me, Samsonov no question about that. He let me

—

show up I

wanted

at the airfield at all sorts of

— no

special permission,

take the plane and go I

if I

could be,

I

U-2 up

special thing about

it

—

if

just

liked.

suppose he saw what could not conceal

just liked to see a kid

hours and take the

no

happy

it

meant

my

to

me

—

as

withdrawn as

delirium over that

flying,

—

I

I

suppose he

and not that many were

all

that

I

— VICTOR HERMAN happy

go up back

to

colossal labor

you were

there once

Samsonov box

the

was

it

flight

65

.

those days

in

— not

— not — and

with

really

go

to get a plane ready to

the

the cold

up

up.

me when me long

didn't stop

do things

tried to

I

— and

couldn't keep

didn't let

I

it,

—because no matter

what the regulations were, because how could they have anything to

do with me, an American? And so

doing more and more diftkult different

— and

got to trying things up there,

I

or just stuff that

sometimes spinning and diving and flipping and

nobody was

supposed to be doing any of

really

I

thought was

and playing around

experimenting

of

sort

stuff,

— and when

the rest

all

And

that.

before

I

way I'd done everything else before that trying to do it my own way and trying hard to beat my performance each time out and getting, more and more, that confidence I get and the more I got of that, the more I believed I could do knew

it.

I

was

flying the

—

—

—

with that

U-2, and would

little

try

would go up there and

it,

try

some crazv stunt. And Samsonov would say okay, now you know you shouldn't do that, but go ahead and do that, and it was after a time like a kind of father-and-son joking between us, him warning me to watch myself, me promising to do it, him knowing I wouldn't keep my

it,

promise, and, like a father, angry with me, but not really instead, proud, just like a father too

long enough that

him

scared

— but

1

was

really

me on all the more. And this led adding

that, trying to

a

better,

to

little

and

move

when

this

just generally

was

just

way

I'd

saw

I

And

around

for

that

he

that just urged

doing

all

it,

way and

this

the things

do with auto engines when you wanted them

craft too. just the

really,

way

around with the plane, getting the

better than the other fellow's,

It

— and

could, tinkering with

it

—

kept up this

it

not be impressed?

to fooling

do more than

to

I

until

doing some things up there that

impressed him too

was impressed, how could

machine

—

to

and customizing the

I

adding

this,

up

that

tool

had learned

go a

fooled around with cars back

something most boys around Detroit

little

bit

rest of the airin Detroit.

did. tinkered with

those things. It

leave else

was

it

this,

the tinkering, the playing with

alone, couldn't just

was doing

it,

it

was

let

it

be and do

this will to

it,

it

because

the

I

couldn't

way everybody

go out there and beat the

out of what everybody else was doing, just that, that

will,

* that

COMING OUT OF THE brought

me

.66

where others began noticing me too much.

to the point

loved

I

ICE

What harm had getting lots of athad gotten me medals, kids that admired me,

the attention.

it,

tention ever been?

It

the great feeling that at this and at this and at this,

was

Victor Herman,

I,

the best.

me Cell 39. And much more would get me eighteen years in ice.

would

It

It

get

besides.

FIFTEEN I

soared and Leo chased.

possibility of that

my U-2 up and

after

less willing

it

through

pressing the

spins,

women and

every description,

girls of

than the sky.

Sex had hardly anything you'd

—

and twisted

and

rolls

machinery against the willing temper of the sky,

and Leo took himself and they were

took flips

I

a repertoire of dives and

call a

playground

in that place

was just no time or space for it, and who was really interNot many. Most were too exhausted from their labor, too

there

ested?

— or

cold or too overworked or too tired or hungry

too

at-

little

tracted to the species of female that you'd find in evidence in the place.

But Leo found them. and following through.

It

with those labors. The

It

must have been

girls,

the

locals,

it

was probably

better place to sleep.

unready

flying,

figure

I

thought

work, that finding

women, you could

weren't interested, not in the sexual part of

one of the

real

was something to admire,

it.

If

his obsession

tell

they really

they went with you,

for food or a bit of clothing or a

But Leo kept

at

it,

and

I

kept myself for

grand

to interest myself in anything other than the I

cut in the sky. Besides,

I

saw nothing

in the great

rough bundles that were, underneath perhaps, something female I

saw nothing there

to capture

my

attention and

draw

impulse every instant to race back out there to the

it

from

airfield

my

and go

wheeling through the sky.

There was nothing

light

and they did not want there

or soft in those Russian to be.

What

girls I

saw

they wanted was to

work

VICTOR HERMAN

man worked,

as a

what he did

—

was

Gorky

way

just a

to dig a hole

to them, to those

across around

field

if

he dug one, or

Russian

was more comfort in

done grudgingly,

that's

if

work

to

— and

sex

their lives, a kind

for the extras that might be

They had all kinds of aircraft out there at the Vodopyanov old Farmans and Newports and Fokkers left over from the

—

War

Civil

— and

all

—

—and

the school administration realized

was awarded

my work

—me,

nov

U-1,

the Russian jobs, the

fooled around with them

I

a load

women you came

it.

R-2, SHA-1, SHA-2, and the Ant

quit

lift

and

girls

then, the great thing

of getting a jot

of trading, doubtless

gotten for

67

.

my

I

flew

the better I

was

U-2, the R-1 and

the all

those machines and got at

I

getting,

certificate as a pilot, they said

at the factory

and instead

to

come

the fellow they had been kicking out

all

the better

it,

and not long it

after

was okay

to

Vodopya-

teach at

the time.

I'd go out there every morning, teach some classes, take up some cadets and let them watch me fly, and then get in some flying on my own, more and more of the tricky stuff I was trying out. Word went around the academy that I was a regular daredevil, and I liked that, liked being thought that. And I liked nothing more

than

flying.

Until

I

got into jumping

—and

I

liked that even better

—be-

cause there was no weight of machinery, no airplane that held you fast.

Jumping?

was

It

like being the letters in

smoke they were made

of

—

LUCKIES,

being the

not just the instrument that inscribed

them.

My mother died

in

1933. She just died then

She'd been more and more complaining

on

noise, her complaining.

terrific,

noise,

noise

that all she heard

and the

fire

when people

—very

fast.

— and then

it

centered

She said the noise from everything was

was

noise.

The

stove

made

too

much

made too much noise, and there was too much talked or coughed or walked across the floor.

She got bloody noses. She howled about the noise, would

would everybody stop making

somebody

just please

that noise,

and she got bloody noses.

The doctor a bloody nose?

be

in the

quiet,

Village said, that's okay

—who

all

doesn't get

COMING OUT OF THE They ran

I

jell

make

easy to

speed

real

She was

my in,

on the

still

flying overalls, the outfit

mother lying on the

been there, and

it

was

got there, and that let

me

Miriam was

my dad

and

in,

remember thinking it crazy thought that was

is

Janu-

to have,

all

and they said not to worry, he'd

said,

I

okay but

her rest right there where she I

I

floor.

"Where's the doctor?"

let

wore, not

I

and then thinking what a

ary, 1933,

my

when

was Leo

It

behind him, and

right

I

and there was snow. floor

squatting there by her head.

was standing

Cadet Herman,

the flying field

down.

the way,

all

68

me home from

called

your mother

ICE

just not to

move her

for a while,

is.

went next door. There was only one car

in the Village,

and

it

belonged to the young couple next door, Americans, Kalick, that

was

name

their

ahead and take with

it,

and

mother was said,

you I

— and and

sick

them

could use, and

Sam and Leo

I

I

had

it

I

had

to

and they I

there,

it

we had

my

through the snow.

Leo and Sam,

to get into the I

figured

—even with

took forever. But we got them on and to dig

do

to

Gorky, and they

took forever getting those chains on it

go

said,

was going

go to Gorky, that

to get the doctor in

miles through the snow, and

American

them

their car

know what

got a spade and chains and whatever

I

helping,

got there, and

needed

snow, the car won't make to get in

Kalicks' car, and I

said

told them, told

I

can't, the

told

I

but they wanted to

it,

we

our way, but we got there, twelve

we brought

the doctor

back

to the

Village.

She died, anyway. She

just died like that, fast, a stroke, a bleeding in

There was never much noise mostly always quiet

in the

American

in

that Village.

Village.

But

It

her brain.

was

my mother

really

heard

a roaring, a ceaseless evil howling, and the only real noise to speak of

was what the engines made, out there over

the airfield, those

airplanes straining to get themselves higher in the sky.

little

VICTOR HERMAN

69

SIXTEEN My

mother died when

was seventeen. She died

I

her head screaming from the noise that

hushed snow.

I

Russia

in

came roaring

was seventeen and my mother was

—with

off the wide,

forty-three.

She had one more year to go.

Her dying she

then,

I

can count the differences

it

made

in the lives

—but mainly mine. she had — she would

behind. In Leo's, Miriam's, and mine

left

Sam would have taken us home if lived have made him do it when our time was up, made him take

My

mother was buried

in the

she never got home. She had only one more year of

more year I

of the Russia that killed her.

"Victor" marked

—

one

to go,

it

found some hair of mine among her things, a curl of

been keeping, the baby blond fineness folded into

of us

us back.

Russian earth she hated, and

crayon on

in

it.

There was a

tissue

it

she'd

paper and

tiny packet of each

a lock of Leo's, Becky's, Miriam's, and mine

—

baby

the

hair she'd been keeping

— kept

hidden and always with her from

Ironwood

way

Nizhni-Novgorod.

Street

the

all

That's where she

Now Sam

in

cried

Those weeks

her long death now. There

lies in

over her, a thing they built

Oh, the noise

to

my

much

is

a factory

later.

mother's head now.

— he took up where Mama

right after, us seated at

left off.

our meal, the four of

us,

eating in our silence, he'd sometimes raise his head and to no one

or nothing, nothing arousing see

me keep my

promise.

1

have," and then he would eyes of

his,

it

fix

"She did not

at all, he'd say,

meant

to

keep

my

promise, and

I

live to

would

us each in turn with those hard blue

and say, "Yes?" and each of us

in

turn

would answer,

"Yes, Papa, yes."

He

married again

— not

all

that long afterward

— and when

that

one died, he married another.

"Excuse me," I

cannot

live

my

father said to

without a woman."

me

the

first

time. "It

is

that

COMING OUT OF THE

We

He

excused him.

Sam Herman

died,

ICE

70

when this wife Herman to beg a pardon third, woman.

did not have to ask. But

did not have Victor

from when he picked himself another, a

I

Oh,

I

would have excused him had

wasn't.

I

was only twelve miles away. Not from where

just twelve miles

American

the

position

was

I

my

to

My father died

making love

—

that

where

bed

in

sat in the

I

to that third one, to Olga.

The

sec-

was the second one's name.

So much dying, and why not? Was

such a treat?

life

For

me

my

mother's being dead. For me, then, during those years

with

flying,

it

was.

was so very happy

I

and then jumping,

But for Leo

life

then, even with Rose, even

was very good.

was hard. He married soon

it

my

after

mother's

pregnant and She work — an American her not but she and he she was going anyway — and they were divorced. She was Elma, Leo's

death

did

to

the muzzle and in the position.

ond one, she was Gusta

said

far at all, considering

father's bed, to his

from him

Village, twelve miles

—behind

been there for him to ask.

I

girl. It

didn't

to get rid of

got

out.

told

it,

to,

first

it,

wife.

Fd never taken her

but

flying,

I

would have taken Miriam, but Papa

my

mother

the speed

and

up

started getting

I

could

I

get. In the

300 kilometers an hour, and that one,

I

took Sam.

never took her

I

I

—or

either.

Myself, all

took Leo and

said no.

this

in

1-16,

later

the really fast ones, getting I

could do a

little

better than

on we got an improvement on

second one would get right up there to 500

kilo-

meters an hour.

Rose might have could have

left

behind

liked that. all

Maybe

that noise that

— and more know — but was —up on

So much dying now

to

with speed like that

was chasing

come

we

her.

— because

Stalin

was

starting to clean things out.

Me, tion

I

didn't

somewhere

Sam knew more

— about

it

there

else

than

I

did, but

the cleaning out,

I

was paying I

of

all

atten-

was writing on.

even he didn't know

getting rid

were poisoning the revolutionary

starting.

that blue slate

all

that

much

those impurities that

air.

There was some thinning out going on

in the Village, this

one

and that one not showing up anymore. But nobody much noticed. Did so-and-so go home, then? Oh, so so-and-so went home, eh?

—— VICTOR HERMAN was hardly ever

I

come and for

7^

Who

there.

more than

should you? People

go to a special store

bread and potatoes.

just

Why

noticed?

me

go. Besides, they let

— and

was

it

got butter sometimes

I

and sometimes eggs and cream.

was

It

good

pretty

—and

liked

I

having the extra

stuff

for

Miriam. She hardly knew what those things were.

Who All

noticed the thinning out?

— and goosing

higher

do with

little

more and then

no higher

that,

certainly didn't.

I

And when

out of them too. to

a

I

how

noticed was

I

I

was

getting those airplanes

a

little bit

there just didn't

seem

was going

and no

to go,

to be

up there

more speed

much more started

faster,

I

— any

weather,

jumping. All the way,

the way,

way down.

the

all

got to jumping in anything, trying anything

I

any

all

and into the water

terrain,

too.

make

This was something really to

mark

a

jumped? Very few. To begin with, there weren't

in

—because who many

para-

chutes around, and the ones that were weren't very good.

Who

wanted I

jump?

to

did.

So

jumped, and

I

it

beat everything

One jump was worth

together.

won

the soaring

—

it

all

of

it

put

a hundred of anything else I'd ever

was before you opened your chute,

Just the

way

came

what

that's

I

used to try

I

was

trying

tearing

all

now

the sailing,

by yourself and really moving

just sort of flying all

yourself around as you

down from way up

those crazy figures

—jumping,

my

in

there.

my U-2

arms out there

sailing

around. I

jumped

What ing,

as

did

I

if

the air

was made

for walking.

weigh then? One hundred

thirty-five? Well,

jump-

didn't weigh an ounce. I'd be up there falling like nine hun-

I

dred tons, but

did not weigh an ounce.

I

That's what

it

was

like

— and

At Spartak they wouldn't I

ever done,

I'd

a medal for.

But the best of

me

that

was

in

— but

the minute

I

let

was

I

couldn't get enough of

mc

stop

finished,

I

was back jumping, back

out there coming down.

And

it.

the rest of the sports

all

—

box much anymore all of a sudwas getting to worry den, for some reason my mother's dying? about my liver, the old gunshot wound, the bullet that had gone I

really didn't

—

want

to

—

I

COMING OUT OF THE through there. that

ICE

wasn't supposed to be boxing, not really, not after

I

—but rd been doing

and

my

it

those years, always holding myself

all

guard to favor that side and that region.

wanted

I

72

jump. That's

to

hung around the much away from home. I

all I

wanted

to do.

and the cadets and

flyers

I

just kept

jumping whenever

now

Contracts were starting to run out

come over around about that

—

think

I

It

was

I

in

Moscow at the me much in

already flown the racing

I'd

wanted

all I

Moscow,

but not enough. Only jumping was enough

do enough of

hardly even no-

I

time, at a special sport-flying

—

didn't interest

Sportivnaya Aviatsi'a, the school

to

who'd

know much

was mainly with

I

went on by.

just

planes they had there. Only jumping, that's

way

could.

where the jumping was.

Our time came up and it Nobody told us to return.

school.

I

the people

didn't

I

wasn't around enough to notice.

I

the Russians. That's

ticed.

same time we had. But

the

—

stayed pretty

I

was

it

now

fun, all right,

— and

Moscow, to do enough of came up and went by and I in

it

was, and our time just

do now.

to

so it

I

found a

wherever

I

scarcely even

noticed.

Sam was

enough

willing

they were going to get

So Sam was

— and

no hurry

in

maybe,

to him,

then?

was jumping

for

life

to stay.

home

he was unwilling to go

to

go

Or

to put

that

was

a long

— and he had

it

really was,

good

as he said

as

it

until things got as

way from happening. now, and

a Russian wife

him was where he was. Me, what did

I

care

—so why be

in

any rush to go anywhere but where the jumping was? Besides,

it

was

I

my mother

— and

getting recognition for

it

we'd said we'd leave for when the three years were

— and what good would do her now? where my dad was — As Leo, now, Russian — and he had or Reuther's —

up

that

he'd stay

for

besides,

old

wife

a

also

old wife

girl

that

I

wasn't sure

if

was Leo's way

his second,

there

was a

Walter differ-

ence.

Everybody aviators of the

we knew

at

first

— speed

Sportivnaya Aviatsia was a pretty rank.

We

flying, diving,

showing some of them how I'd

just taught

to

going for height, and then

handle a chute,

worked out fooling around back

liked to do,

show

and always have

a person

how

to

do

—

fair flyer, all

each other whatever tricks

in

how

Gorky.

It

to

do

was

I

a thing

teach. I've always liked to

the things

I

can.

started

the things

do

I

that,

VICTOR HERMAN

73

me how

But they showed

to

in

sit

the position, behind the

muzzle. I

became

I

a master at

took practice

It

—

it.

that's all.

Moscow, from Sam.

got a letter there in

ing on.

That was okay with me.

next year

— or

It

was staying

I

Home

the year after that.

was about

too.

So

I'd

his stay-

go home

would always be

there,

and meanwhile the jumping was over here. But

I

heard from Leo that a

of the Americans weren't

lot

staying and that, besides, the U.S. government said no.

have an embassy

Russia then, there was

in

just

We

didn't

a consulate in

—

Moscow, and the consulate said no if your contract was over, you had to go. But the Russians said you could stay as long as you wanted if you just got yourself a Soviet passport, and that way, whenever you wanted to leave, you'd just leave with a Soviet passport, as simple as that. I

wasn't taking anything

But

my

was an easy step step.

I

think

it

for

— no

He was

father did.

him

Soviet anything.

staying

— and

right

from there on

He

took

it,

into citizenship.

was because he was ashamed

to

it

he made that

go back.

Sam wanted me to take anything. No, it was all the must other way around. He kept telling me I had to go back, that it. Of say go back but there really wasn't all that much reason to course I was going back. What else? Of course. And when you get back, Sam Herman always said to me, you go to Mr. Ford and you tell him you're my son and he will see to it that you have a Not

that

I

—

good job and he just

will give

go to Mr. Ford and

Had my

father

tell

you $18,000

your education, so you

for

my

him you're

worked out some kind

son.

For SI 8.000? That was a stupendous sum agreed to

in

1931?

He

said

him when he got back So

it

But

was $18,000 right

now

I

it

in

for

had been

—

Henry Ford? 1934, and was it

of deal with

that

in

Mr. Ford would give

it

1934. But he wasn't getting back.

me

— when

was over here

I

got back.

—

still

jumping

— and

it

was

1934.

And

then

my dad

did a crazy thing.

family passport, and he turned

it

in

The passport he had was

for a

Russian one.

It

a

didn't

COMING OUT OF THE make any

ICE

74

him doing

sense,

and

that

same time not knowing

at the

what he was doing. wrote the consulate.

I

Russian citizenship, but an American

I

my

said

and they

father,

My

*

,

consulate said

what

that's

underage

And Sam

did.

I

I

where did anyone ever

wanted, and

— everything

get the idea

would be okay. So

Sporiivnaxa Aviotsia was

up near a Moscow, and

— and

really

—

was

it

—you

Moscow

sky

I

I

did

was

— and

we'd see the

at night

ga\e

city

off.

just

made

light

up

a hole

It

where

was

Moscow

like

sky light up,

and where we were,

in

Mi-

called

village

1

was

being

that primitive, except for the

vansk. there wasn't even any running water or out

saying

letter

that's

living at the time, in that village, in a log cabin.

nowhere near Moscow, airplanes

So the

didn't?

I

what

that's

set

outside of

is

energy of things the

boy

from them again.

didn't hear anything

khielivansk. which

said to them, the

wouldn't matter even though

it

I

citizenship.

wanted to be an American

had to do was write them another

all I

I

American

is

me am

was underage and they were

I

should do what he wants to do, and citizen.

Russians have given

have and want

What do I do? They wrote back and writing to

the

didn't ask for Russian citizenship.

I

citizen. All

said

I

— and no

in

all

that

Mikhieli-

toilets, inside

the snow. Strange, seeing the

like that at night,

and you were where you

were. don't

I

know why,

like that at night

snow,

I

looking the

while

but looking up to see the I

was squatting there

used to get the strangest feeling at the

wrong

earth as

if

—

as

if

in I

Moscow

lights

the Mikhielivansk

were on the moon

some crazy cosmology had moved me

to

place.

SEVENTEEN The jump was It

was on

in

1934.

the 6th of September. I'm talking about the world's

made —-on

record free-fall

jump

came from

over the Soviet Union to show what they could do,

to put

on

all

I

their specialty over

the 6th of September, 1934. Units

Moscow.

— VICTOR HERMAN wrote a

I

75

advance of

letter in

and deadfall parachuting, and even said

and

this

in

my

letter

was not any

already done

idle

— speed

was going

I

was going

1

saying that Sportivnaya

this,

Aviatsia wanted to enter in three events

who had it

boast a kid might make, because

about

I

I

had

—

deadfall parachuting.

knew

sort of informal world's record the flyers

the record.

I

don't

was generally agreed

on a wide

the last one.

already done better than that, better than the Ameri-

I'd

but

do

several times.

it,

But there was a can

flying, figure flying,

break the world's record

to

Well, they really hadn't heard of that

about, and

to

name,

his

American,

that

was the longest anyone

had heard about. He'd done about 5,000 meters,

scale

16,000

remember

that his deadfall

feet

— and

already done

I'd

better

than

that

just

practicing.

The was going

—

it

me

fellows that were working with

plane that could take to

me up

and

to 24,000,

jump from. Anyway, to

was

the altitude

it.

I

no

the Ministry of Aviation said

was impossible, they would not allow

some men out

Sportivnaya had a

at

that

But then they sent

Mikhielivansk, and they said, show

us.

So

I

demonstrated a couple of high jumps, not that high, but high

the

— and they went back and okay came through — and then

all

for

enough

reported what they'd seen, and

the Russians were

The Russians

Just imagine!

it.

and getting

it

really

I

was, an American?

don't think so. Oflficially

I

was an American, and surely Russian

somewhere must have known

I

was

just like

anybody

and

else,

officials

was, but for the most part

seemed by now nobody was paying any I

it,

away from Americans!

Did the Ministry of Aviation know what I

for

all

getting a world's record

attention.

my name

didn't

it

For the most part

seem

to take any-

one by surprise. Tupolev,

the

man who

recently

worked out

Russian

the

version of the Concorde, had designed the high-flying aircraft

was going

to use

— he

great aircraft designers.

would do even a fuel a little

Tupolev had

do a

little

little

We'd

retooled

better than

the thing a

little,

We

juiced

anyone knew.

and twisted the screw, the prop, a it

twisted,

I

and Sikorsky had been great buddies, both

and

I

figured,

when

it

little

came

to

and

it

up the more than

it,

we could

better than 24,000.

The Russians announced it all over the place, and the airfield was jammed, military, spectators, reporters from all over coming

COMING OUT OF THE who was

to see

ICE

76

guy that said he could break some crazy record

this

jumping out of a plane?

guess, as far as that goes,

I

hoping the American press would be there

and of

Rouge

the River

and

plant,

my

home,

the kids back

all

all

—

Frank back there had played

I

and whoever

my

the thing

I

dad,

and Mr. Henry Ford

their cousins,

whole wide world of America

else in the

know about me and about

at

ball with

and run around town with, and the cops who'd arrested and those Goldmann boys and

just

thought of Rebecca

I

teachers,

the fellows

was

I

was going

do

to

I

wanted to better than

anybody ever had. was supposed

I

military field

—but

Zviney Gorod, and

vansk

—

around

wind changed, so instead we took

I

was

other words,

in

at the last

to come down we had to switch

it,

switch the

minute to account for the change

Tadzhik, a really great

pilot.

took just shy of two hours to do

was

It

He

me up

got

You You

like that in those days.

when you were way up

It

last

was

that.

up around I

have

didn't just

had

to

just

your head, to

try to talk

mile or so getting up,

it

don't

I

it

was where most of our time

a hard climb from there on up.

We made than

it

forth.

That went.

— and

where you needed oxygen, using

there

your hands the best you could, or

back and

there

He was

Tupolev plane, and there was no

shouting back and forth with oxygen masks on.

signal

fields

in drift.

it.

small, of course, that

any radios or anything

from

off

on the field at Mikhieli-

took us two hours to get up there, Tadzhik and me.

It

flying,

Zviney Gorod, some

to land in a place called

the

up

to well

know

over 24,000

—about

exactly the altitude

I

500

feet higher

jumped from.

It

was

there somewhere.

went when Tadzhik nodded.

just

I

just

went when he nodded

and pointed down.

I fell

could and

deadfall 142 seconds. let

go and

I

got myself out of there the best

deadfall.

fell

It

was 142 seconds.

It

was

I

slapped Tadzhik on the shoulder to

eternity

ready to go.

— and over

He nodded and

the engine to slow the

I

in

no time

pointed

at all.

down

wind on me, and

let

him know

I

— and then he geared I

was out

slapped him again and

went.

He had

to air-chute to let

me

get out

—

just

hold the plane on

VICTOR HERMAN

^^

That Tadzhik was a wonderful

the wings, sort of.

out and then the other foot out,

foot

shoulder again, and then

got one

pushed myself out there and went down.

I

for 142 seconds.

I fell

open the chute

didn't

I

flyer. I

slapped Tadzhik on the

Then,

for all that time.

somewhere

1,300,

1,200,

at

there,

in

pulled the rip

I

cord.

I

in

coveralls and

The for

that time.

all

it

I

my hand on

had

had the grip

cord whipping around.

rip

pocket

in the

the grip inside that pocket.

had

I

it

pocket.

It

fell.

I

want that grip on the

didn't

my

my hand on

had

I

my

of

made

a big thing out of

like a

cocky thing to do

press

looked

making

a big thing out of

it.

But

my

eating that apple as

— and

I

wasn't the

it

I

don't blame them

way

looked,

it

not really.

There was an apple grip was.

pocket where the rip-cord

in there in that

an apple

felt

I

when

in there

my hand

put

I

in.

don't

I

even know how it got there. Had Tadzhik put it in? A treat for me? Where had Tadzhik gotten an apple? No one had apples. There weren't any apples that I knew of around Russia in those days.

Who

ever saw any apples?

But there was an apple rip

in that

pocket where the grip to the

cord was. I

got

it

out of there and put

What

the apple.

else

was

it

into

my hand

going to do with

1

it?

and then

I

Throw an

ate

apple

away? I

who

never asked Tadzhik

if

he was the one

put the apple there. There was too

down, and 1

I

just

who

did

it,

much going on when

never asked Tadzhik about

got

held the grip of that rip cord with one hand and ate the

kid, the high flyer, the high

deadfalls

200 miles an hour

What else was my mask off and ate Sure It

I

it.

apple with the other, and the newspaper people said, look

cocky

one

the

I

ate

was the

it.

The papers Lindbergh but

supposed

just

to

do with

the apple?

I

just

took

the apple.

apple

called

course in no time

jumper, eating an apple as he

to the ground.

was an apple.

It

first

I

at the

at all

I'd

had since Ironwood

me "The Lindbergh it

got picked up that

Street.

of Russia," 1

and of

wasn't any Russian

another American Lindbergh.

It

got out

all

over

COMING OUT OF THE everywhere

man was

ICE

78

papers that

in the foreign

an American, so what was

wasn't Russian

I

—

Her-

that

Soviet talk that a Rus-

all this

had made a world's record of some kind, because the fellow

sian

that did

—but some American

was not a Russian

it

kid, a kid out

of Detroit!

The Lindbergh

of Russia!

bergh of anything was

thought that was

I

The Lind-

rich.

me, Victor Herman, the kid

just fine with

out of Detroit. Did everybody back there get to find out what

done?

How

If I

about the Goldmann boys

was attention

it

wanted,

I

—and then some time But — about myself and One hundred forty-two — and over no time

could use

attention

being,

for the

felt

in

But

it

their

all, I

without.

was great

I

I

was soon

way

was

It

second deadfall

to a

—

yet one that

be over

really ever

keep on

to

that

was

would not be over falling

eighteen years, but even now, today, as

eternity

But who would have pointed

it

that

no time

in

at

due course not just for

forever,

write this.

I

it

—one

also an eter-

at all. In

they wrote about the Lindbergh of Russia

papers, and Rebecca must have read her.

had done.

seconds of deadfall!

to give

to fall endlessly,

Still,

have

at all.

one that would not

was

the attention

all

I

was much longer than 142 seconds, but one nity, eternity itself

got

I

it

the thing that

better

itself

it

— and cousins? — could have done — and could not

got

I

I'd

there.

in the

Detroit

Papa must have

out to the

told

Goldmann boys and

their cousins?

And how would Mama Deadfall, that's what

not falling together,

ever

know?

was

it

— my

mother and

I

falling,

but

both falling endlessly, but through different

zones of time.

That jump

I

made,

it

was

for her.

EIGHTEEN Perhaps for everyone one's

life

better this

that is,

is

life is

like that

—

a trade. Perhaps in every-

the rule that governs

the worse that

is

—

this

for that

sure to be. But this

is

— and

the

another Greek

—

—

VICTOR HERMAN notion, and

even

in the

Who

70

it, that everything must come out some sort of balance must be made. could make it work like that? What could be in such

foolish to believe

it is

end, that

What are make it come

control?

there, billions living, billions of people?

could

out even in so

It

life

is

it

What

lives?

nonsense to believe such a thing

examined,

is

many

sometimes does seem

— and that

so,

when each

yet

something has

imposed a balance of the happy and the sad, a perfect bargain, this for that.

Who knows

What do I know about know about mine, the infinite and done? What do even / know about the life say about the

anyone's?

And what

things I've

felt

is

of another?

life

does anyone

I

mine? But when

seem

I

to say This

think about

was what

it

it.

was,

when

how

write the sentences that

I

is it

that

also

it

seems

to

come

out so even, a kind of trading going on, this for that, here's something good, here's something bad. and the one

is

the precise match

of the other, equal forces in opposition?

do not know. But

I

it

I

not inconceivable that

of our lives

—

get the this

things together It

come out

could be that

this

have considered

we do

thought

this

— and

this thing ourselves in

and then seek the that

to

think

the living

make

the two

even. is

so.

There was trouble over the jump. In order to get credit for the jump, for the record that

made, documents had

to be sent to

FIFA, an agency

oversaw aviation matters, that granted

credit,

where

was

all

the official flying information

and so the documents had

made

to

France that

in

and so on.

was

It

and kept

registered

be sent there, and after they were

out, the business of citizenship

came

that called for the petitioner's citizenship,

That was where the trouble I

was

up. There

and

I

filled

all

was a blank it

in

VS. A.

started.

heard from the Communist Party.

I

heard from the Red

Army. I heard from the NKVD. What did I mean, citizenship U.S.A.! This was unacceptable! It was a Russian who had accomplished this remarkable achievement! It was a Russian who had done this thing! It

attention

would be a Russian who was going

— and

that

was

to get

worldwide

that!

The Communist Party showed up

at

Sportivnaya Aviaisia.

COMING OUT OF THE They wanted

ICE

80

The Red Army

to see the superintendent there!

—they too would speak with

sent

And the NKVD was not to be omitted. They also had a few people who would like to have a chat with the superintendent of the flyers who its

people

had dared

commit

to

can citizen do

Union

of the

That

it

the unthinkable blunder of letting an

was covering the

this thing that

How

with shame!

dare

man

this

contrive to embarrass the people

American do

that an

Operated by a Soviet

viet aircraft?

An American? They called me in officials would have

I

a So-

a parachute

jump

flyer?

To make

—an

assortment of them

there into the office of the superintendent at

FIFA.

From

this thing?

soil?

—

to

Ameri-

entire Soviet nation

of Soviet Socialist Republics before the entire world!

was permitted

onto Soviet

the superintendent!

to

change the papers that were

would write

I

to

be submitted

blank

appropriate

the

in

all

Sportivnaya Aviatsia.

citizenship

U.S.S.R.! said,

I

I

"How

said, "I will not

can

do

I

do

that. I

that?

am

I

am

an American citizen." Then

an American citizen."

—

They said I was not to worry about that they quite understood. Of course, it was patently clear, I was of course an American citizen but what is the harm? Write U.S.S.R. You are a guest in our country. We have been hospitable to you. Be friendly. Write U.S.S.R. What is the harm?

—

thought of

I

Hotel.

I

fingering

my

thought of the

my

father that day in the Soviet Trade Fleet in

uniform that stood by the window

I

thought of her and the noise that

man

mother's things.

would not go away from her head.

I

thought of

my

father's flat

voice straining for a singsong, a cheery melody, as he jogged

Miriam on

sister

harm.

.

his shoulders:

my

harm, no harm, no harm, no

.

They

studied me, those

men

speak, and another interrupted, a

"He

is

a

young man,

this

things, the telling of a fib

that

were

man from

there.

the

One made

as

it is

it

is

of

if

to

NKVD.

Herman, and he worries about

when

Please believe me, young man, It

No

no consequence

these

at

all.

nothing but the merest formality.

matters not in the slightest what letters you enter upon the blank

Of what earthly magnitude is it, the small difference between a mark that says U.S.A. and another that says U.S.S.R.? Put it out of your mind just leave it to us. Write. Write U.S.S.R. and be off about your business. Everyone here knows perfectly well of this paper.

—

— VICTOR HERMAN

gi

you are an American

that

Enter the correction here." sat

Write.

pointed to a space on the paper that

on the desk facing me.

No

harm, no harm, no harm, no harm.

Perhaps it

What harm, my boy?

citizen.

He

were not a c|ueslion of actually

down

thing

in a

.

.

if

something, marking some-

writini^

blank space.

thought of white smoke pouring from

I

.

he had not used that word "letters." Perhaps

if

me

to paint the clear

blue behind me, something everyone below would look up and see. I

thought of that morning

looked up and I

the

I

I

up the papers while

tore

About

week

a

1

stood there.

smiled and

I

me

later the superintendent called

FIFA

pened on Russian

I

left

that

it

He

in.

said

would not be

what happened had hap-

as oHicial because

Russian instruments had been used

soil,

make

to

measurements, Russian timekeepers had validated the records,

and so on and so forth

—

the point being that

were Russian and these Russians would

"Now, I

said,

I

said

had done "I

*

didn't give a

I

— what did I

knew

I

I

I

was

considering that he'd

thing.

I

the record

had done what

I

I

it!

said. "I will write that or nothing."

—and

I

knew

willing. Besides,

me make

let

— not

it

FIFA!

that too

— and

he said

I

when he

so

owed

it

the jump, and he said

to him, I

owed

Russian people because they'd been such agreeable hosts

to the

and that

I

that

owed I

it

to

my

father because he

just generally

was

good Communist

a

owed, period. What he wanted was

that

I

Russian jumper to do the same thing. They would provide

train a

the plane, the jumper,

and take care of everything

owed them, and what did I said I didn't mind It

— and

that

much

say?

I

—

1

no such

you write U.S.S.R?''

about any of

had done

spot

in a

asked for a favor,

Fine.

said, "will

care about this

an American,"

But he was

— and

the otiicial witnesses

all

testify to

"No."

— and

am

Herman," he

Citizen

or anything

I

late spring.

wrote U.S.A.

had claimed the record. But

entertained by

it

was

It

room.

that the U.S.

the

me and

took the pen he gave

They

that time ago.

all

saw LUCKIES.

I

was happy

to teach

anyone anything.

was okay with me.

knew

I

wasn't going to get credit for what

I'd

done

—except

COMING OUT OF THE knew

also

I

ICE

82

back home they'd already given me credit for

that

it

so what was the difference what the Russians did, whatever the

*

Where

they tried to claim?

mattered, back home, they'd

it

al-

ways know otherwise. wasn't hard to say that.

It

now

lot of

for

him

trouble

know on account of me

—

me

do

sure, I'd

show him how

to

"That's

It

it.

my mark

wouldn't wipe out

it

to

— and

would

this

if

do something

do

could do, would

I

I

way

his

in

me

— and

all

I

say no?

I

it."

man

the

right

I

me

they gave

— how he already made about two hundred jumps — and And

train.

trained him. He was

enough fellow

things

fix

anyone anytime ever asked

if

was the name of

that

was by

I

had probably had a

that he

wouldn't change anything for

— and

all right," I said. "I'll

E\dokimov,

liked.

sorry for that man.

felt

I

not so innocent as not to

whole

up

anybody they

said sure, I'd train

I

taught him

to

do

man to do just what and it did not make me unhappy to do it. And then he was to try it but when that time came, they let me know he was what you have

to do.

—

to try

from another plane

it

could

It

and

it.

— one

they'd

higher than the one

fly

had.

I'd

that's the altitude they got

that's

where he jumped from

it

up

it

feet higher.

We

did

— and

three times every time from higher than

And when do

it

he'd

done

with

that three times

ready

going

I

fly 300 Evdokimov

they took him out it

and came down

three times in secret

it

did,

could

It

to,

there with that better plane and he went up with

from 300

I

done some work on.

And

feet higher. in

trained that

I

He'd

it.

had a feeling

so

for

to

liked him. a pleasant

had had

a

— and

he did

chance

to go.

and they were sure he could

again, they got the instruments there and the timekeepers there

and witnesses, and Evdokimov came out of that plane from about 300 feet higher than

And

that's

Yes,

I

what got sent to FIFA.

don't mind saying

I

just

had.

helped that Evdokimov beat

it.

my

It

true.

is

record

—

it

It

hurt me, having hurt

really

me

very

much. It

wasn't the credit so much.

and that It

didn't

But fairness

I I

It

was

that / could

have done

it

showed him how.

I

seem

was had,

fair.

just it

beginning to find something out. This idea of

had nothing to do with the country

hard to get an idea

like that

I

was

in.

It's

through your head when everything

VICTOR HERMAN that

you

in

is

posed to be

is

83

some guy

guess

LUCKIES

writing

was a

I

an idea that

It is

you can think of

as any corny thing

I

just think that's the

everybody everywhere.

thing to think. Fairness?

ginger ale,

You

American.

— with

is

And

that's

— ham

sup-

it's

wrong

the

America

as peculiar to

and eggs, Vernors

Michigan sky.

in the

crazy at this point,

little

way

wanted

I

do

to

that

thing so much.

asked for an appointment with the superintendent and he

I

said okay, he'd see me.

and when

said, let

I

promise you

me

I'll

try to

and

won't care.

I

too.

I

you can

just say

want to do

just

same airplane

again, in the

it

go out from even higher

the difference, because it,

do

it

— and

and

it,

no one

I

tell

you

you have to do

did,

kimov did

have a world's record that

and

it,

you'll

all

— and

will

was Evdokimov

from even higher than he

and

NKVD

got there, this time the

I

and the Party each had a man there

is

know

that did

can do

I

I

it

say Evdo-

will

be even

harder to top.

They sidering

They

listened to me.

thought.

I

it,

listened very seriously, really con-

But they said no.

They

chance

said they couldn't take a

— somebody

someday

might find out.

The answer was I

went a

little

no.

crazy over that.

But the answer was no.

Then was the I

good warning

saying to them

one, but that

all

I

I

I

—

that

wish

He

We

it

wasn't. Because

around Sportivnaya about

he

who

gave

really mattered any, but at least

I

it

it

my

would do another jump, an even better Evdokimov, and one of the told him that. I wish I could remember

me aside after I man's name because it was

— not

Or maybe

got.

the credit could go to

took

flyers

that

mistake.

that

started telling the other flyers

my

offer,

made another

I

first

could remember his

name

—

I

me my

owe him it down

to set

first

warning

for that.

here.

"You were crazy to suggest that." were standing outside one of the hangars, and the wind

said,

was blowing, and

I

could barely hear him, and

I

said, I shouted,

"Why?" "Because," he shouted back, and then he quickly lowered his

COMING OUT OF THE

you do

voice, "if they let

wards

—

What

to

make

you

are

84

then they would get rid of you after-

it,

nobody ever found

sure

shouted back

I

ICE

out."

"What do you mean,

him,

at

get rid of

me?

talking about?"

"Do something

to you. Fix

vanish. Kill you. Something." saying, so low

was

had

to strain to hear

and the wind blowing

his voice

"They'd do a thing

I

so you could not talk.

it

like that?"

I

Make you

what he was

like that.

"You're kidding. They'd

said.

do a thing like that?" The other flyer, he didn't say anything to that. He just put his arm around my shoulder and moved me in another direction, taking really

me

along with him.

"Come," he

I

walk."

said, "let's

can't really say

But for the

I

first

understood time

at this point.

was beginning

I

to think a

little

bit

about what there was around me.

woman

Moscow, the one with the white, white skin what was it she had said to me? and I remembered her dark, dark eyes, and I remembered That

in

—

the

mad

look

them. She was

in

in a rage

about something, she'd

done something wrong.

said I'd

Why

had that

could hardly hear

lowered his voice that way, when you

flyer

in the first

place? Didn't he

know

I

could hardly

hear him with the wind blowing like that?

It

was

right

second warning.

around

Sam

had been told while

Sam

this

I

time that something else happened, a

me. Everyone

told

in the

was away, and when

I

American Village

got back to Gorky,

me.

told

No more

letters

home

one caught sending a

letter

—and no more

letters

from home. Any-

out or getting one would have ten years

in prison!

This could not be so!

be

I

said to

my

father that this could not

so.

He

said

it

was.

But how could

this be,

how could anyone

someone doing something about this? Papa said it was temporary, not

"What does

it

matter?" he said.

to worry,

"How

stand for

it

—wasn't

no harm, no harm.

important

is

a letter?

VICTOR HERMAN

How How

do you write a

often

That

He

all.

what

is

said that

my

father said.

— and

said

membered

NKVD

—

it sounded to me like something else that me and then I remembered what. I reman talking that day in the superintendent's

to

—

there at Sportivnaya

my

was

It

sound

the

I

A viatsia.

singsong

father's

heard that day when we

man

looked and saw that

over

all

in

my

fingering

again

—

cringing

the

looked up toward the bleak

all

showing through that window

light

hardly has to

It

of no importance at

It is

it.

there? Becky?

is

or she to you?

Stop thinking about

someone had office

—

^85

Who

anyhow?

letter

Becky

often do you write to

do with us at all."

.

the Leningrad

hotel.

We

mother's things

— and

my

." "No harm, no harm, no harm. I said, "But how can they stop you from hearing from your relatives? And letting them hear from you? I mean, what's wrong

father said,

.

.

with a family talking to each other?"

He was

We

long time.

down and as he finally

very changed by

were

sitting at

this.

He

our

little

did not say anything for a

and he

table,

looked

just

clasped his fingers and held his hands between his knees

sometimes used began

to talk.

to do,

He

and he did not look

just

down

looked

me when

at

he

hands, to where

at his

they were between his knees, the fingers clasping there.

He

said, "In the

world that

is

coming, relations are counter-

revolutionary. One's allegiance must be to the State. the State that

is I

first,

and what stands

counterrevolutionary.

everybody knew

and that nobody took

it

of that, whatever that

was

and

just

read that kind of

I'd

something that was said

that stuff seriously.

all

is,

understand?"

said I'd heard that kind of talk

thing, but that

talk

way

in the

Do you

must be

It

It

was crap,

said,

I

and crap.

"We

will not discuss

it

further,"

my

father said. "If

you know the penalty.

a letter or accept a letter,

I

you write

told you.

Did

you hear me?" I

nodded. All

anyway.

I

right,

I

thought, big deal.

My

dad was

The Rebecca

was

that in

really wasn't a letter-writer.

fact

— or — and not even a postcard any Nor had Becky me — her time

I

had not written many

letters to

in the States

to

actually written to

and

if

there

was anything

in

them

that

anybody

else

of the kids

letters

specifically for

of the family, she'd stop herself and say This

to

is

I

knew.

were to Papa,

anyone for

right,

all

in the rest

Leo or This

is

COMING OUT OF THE for Vickie or This

Mama

ICE

for

is

86

Miriam

—and

there

was nothing

to say to

anymore.

I tried

my

to smile for

and then

to smile

I tried

me

should be very proud of

was

it? I felt

smiled easily, and

jump and how

thing about the

Why

father. I

I

did

— and

and how

it

I

bad

for him.

I

told

him every-

it

felt

and why he

just left out

the rest of

it,

everything else that had happened.

He peating clasped.

him

He said he was very proud of me. He kept rehow proud he was. He kept his hands down there, We sat and looked at each other for a while, me smiling, listened.

it,

sitting there, clasping his

And no

please, I

beg you, son

I

letters."

nodded and

to bed,

hands together.

then he just said, "Please, Vickie.

I

my

head.

kissed

said, "Sure,

I

him before

Papa," and

stood up to go

I

did.

I

NINETEEN That

am

kiss, I

glad

What was

A son can A son, he there

is

just

agony

his

without that kiss

I

kissed

I

my

father then.

— and

would

it

not have been greater

gave him?

kill his father. It is

easy.

He

has only not to

has only to wait for the right time, a

enough agony, and

then, that

moment,

kiss.

moment when

to

withhold his

kiss.

how you

That

is

But

kissed mine

help him

I

I

kill

—

it

if

you are the man who

was such

a

moment.

I

kissed

his son.

is

my

father to

live.

went back

to

my

Spartak, of course, and

emptied

a father

my mind

something

else

work, to teaching, and did everything

I

could.

and heart of everything and

instead,

turning myself through the glorious thing

I

I

the feeling air.

I

was doing

I

I I

filled

went back used myself.

to It

myself up with

had always had up

thought of nothing up there

—

there,

except

— and sometimes, always sometimes.

— VICTOR HERMAN

87

but not with sadness now, with

me

was not

it

from the time

Gorky

jumping.

like

knew

I

it

was not

as good.

And

was not

as good,

word got

not far to

Moscow they were setting up a special school for men who would do nothing but jumping, jumping dead-

and every other way they could think

and trying out maneuvers and wrote the school

I

up writing

—

five letters to

going for height,

of,

sorts of innovations.

all

requesting permission to enter.

ended

I

them, and they either did not answer or

was

said something else that I

It

knew

this,

that in

jumpers, fall

mother, that she flew

her way.

in

But

my

thought of

I

do with what

a runaround, nothing to

had asked.

So

went

I

not everyone

Moscow,

there, to

was going on?

wanted

I

know

that?

to

demand an

know

—was

Why

should

to

What

explanation.

not a great jumper? Did

I

be excluded from

I

this

wonderful new school? got nowhere.

I

That was what and

I

I

would not hear

I

went back

wanted now a no.

—

Gorky and wrote more

to I

wanted a place

just kept

I

on

them, and when

at

absolutely nowhere again, for a second time

went back to Moscow the thicket of

whenever

to try.

And

time

put the question to them.

I

someone who'd

is

is it

no one

it

I

got through

will tell

had not been there

"But

Aideman,

me why? And

he was very glad to

And why see me

— and he

to

to see

said, but

this is

do not wish

to

to

said to this

I

said that he

had wanted I

had done

a great pity, indeed, but

it,

him how brave and how I

that

school for jumpers?

me, that he had of course heard about what

Yes, yes,

all

in the special

he was really quite glad

told

secured leave and

talk.

cannot be

I

got

I

His name was Aideman, a general, and

why

I

I

made my way through who just looked the other way

this

the petty officials

all

letters.

school

in that

skilled

I

meet

to

—

no, he

many had

was.

about the school?

absurd," he said. "Everyone here understands you

go

to the school

—

that as an

American, you refuse

go to our school." I

said,

"That

is

not so

—

I

have been trying to achieve

just the

opposite."

"But

this is

impossible,"

Aideman

said.

"We

all

understand

otherwise."

So

this

Aideman picked up

the telephone and ordered

it.

He

COMING OUT OF THE

was

taken care of now. Did

all

He would

would be arranged.

—

said

call,

and

it

had

it

all

been some

a Jew.

I

had never done before, and

General Aideman, but

He

"You

said,

"Yes,"

— and

it.

made

again he

It

said of

I

a

could sense

asked him,

I

must ask

I

Are you

this.

And

I

did something

I

said,

"Pardon me.

a

Jew?"

it.

are."

said. "I

I

know," he

"I

back and arrange

call

it,

be an instructor?

to

was arranged.

Aideman was

This

want

I

would please me very much

that

telephone

I

—and he

wretched error and not to be dismayed, he had fixed

sort of

course

88

them, and that was that

just told

it

ICE

am."

said. "I

know

that," he said. "It

is

known," he

said.

How

long after

know. But

what was

it

later to

Why

this

was

it

Aideman was

that

was picking up speed, the thinning

I

I

do not

be called the purge, the purges.

shoot these people and not shoot

Because

shot?

out, the purifying

me?

was an American?

They shot Americans too. Aideman and other names but they are just names to you. What is the worth of listing? The ones you had in your head were more familiar ones don't think so.

I

—

—

— and your own. names, dead — not

Leo, Sam, Miriam

And anymore and

kill

then later on, after Cell 39 and beyond,

—

the

the

them, the

meant nothing

even the way they'd come

ceremony they had,

little

it

in the leather

uniforms,

three of them, black leather with something like straps, buckled straps,

always

an

two of them, run

It

meant nothing

from

all

I

so

It

they all

living

came

of their

was pointless

it

was

— who

mostly not even

When

—

come.

more day. Aideman

—when

by themselves,

living

that might

all in

torso,

always with a pistol out.

other way, just

and crisscrossed over the

black leather, three of them, and a fourth man,

in that shiny

officer,

tight

for you.

own

Most died

accord.

the

Most died

to fear the others, those four

you were

afraid of

—

it

was

living

one

remembers much more than a name? And

that.

showed up

error again, there

at

my new

was

to be

assignment, they said, no,

no post for me

it

was

as an instructor.

— VICTOR HERMAN

89

— and — and

Student, yes, but not instructor so long as

said that did not matter

I

could jump.

I

Oh, you can jump, they said fellows what you know. That was

you can teach

teach

fine,

all

you want.

— so what care what my Highest Parachute Center — English school — was Moscow — or It

was

all

same

the

did

I

title

that's the

of that

was

It

home

a sort of country

to take

was teaching and

easy

it

The name

at.

was jumping and

I

then, gradually at

first,

wasn't just high jumping anymore

came down of there.

of

it.

of

it

was Forel

Forel.

And

time.

name

place that Stalin used, whenever he wanted a breather,

at a

—Sanatori I

was?

for the

really just outside

in

it

the other

— or working your

Now

—jump onto

a

it

moving

roof of this or that

—

It

doing somersaults as you

you landed here instead

else they wanted everyone to learn

jump onto

train or

factories

the classes started changing.

— or

lines so that

was something

was having a good

I

and into

tracks or

jump onto

and things

refineries

the

like that.

This was military jumping that they wanted. It

wasn't sport jumping anymore.

was

It

getting ready for war.

But war? Where was there a war?

— only couple times during showed period I'm about. Sam looked grim every time enough Had anyone —or been one? Do know what years means? worry, Papa — only wrote would assure him. Not even when people who never answered them — and was only administrators on okay — not notably sad or anyLeo seemed be was. He had than he — though I

went home very rarely

the

of

a

telling

up.

I

I

written a letter to ten

I

to

I

that

I

did,

it

of schools.

to the

getting

to

wife Lucille, the one

his

routinely

quieter

thing like that

new

letters

I

to

girl,

to take

fool

who had been

Reuther's wife, Reuther's

Walter's.

He

never talked of going

home now. Had

he taken Soviet

citizenship?

He

did not wish to discuss

So, of course,

a

it

it.

was understood he had taken

good woman, a Russian,

this Lucille that

it

— and he had

he loved. So?

So!

He dad

lived in

lived

House

someplace

35,

else,

Apartment and Miriam

and there was not so much congestion

4,

Leo and

his wife,

and

my

lived with him, of course,

in the

American Village now,

COMLNG OUT OF THE

ICE

90

because the place was thinning out didn't matter

if

going on, there was another kind of noticed

it

— and

who knew how?

each time

went back there

I

up

filling

more uniforms everywhere fill

all

that extra

had medals and

I

not.

up

in that

room

and

in its place,

— more — and

I

and that was more Secret

Service in evidence around the Village, and

in to

It

anyone knew how. But with the thinning that was

place

more

cops,

militia,

coming

lots of fear

the thinning out made.

took to wearing them, more often than

I

That made a difference

—

the medals. Put those

on a uniform

and things were pretty much nine times easier for you

— and

for

whoever was with you, Miriam, Sam, anybody.

came

It

green box, that

in a little

have thought then, that evening

my

first

ment

triumph,

my

first

of that triumph

first

medal.

Who

would

in the eating hall, in the flush of

notice in such an alien place, the excite-

coming

off

me

like

who would have

heat,

thought that night the power a medal was going to give?

I'd think

about that time, when everything here was so new and fuzzy eyes and

really very bewildering

I

had come here for adventure

a

boy who sought

How

lions

and

—

tigers

same time

and

at

that

was what

the

I

in

my

thrilling.

had wanted

and the dream of taming bears.

remarkable, that boy's unknowing vision of mine, a notion of

magic, so few short years ago. ishly envisioned

—viewed

prived and the brutal

I all

How

remarkable, what

I

had

child-

against this dreary expanse of the de-

around me, every day, saw.

TWENTY I

continued

in the

at the

Highest Parachute Center,

my

American Village sustained now only by

and then

get

from

my

touch with matters

letters I

would now

father and a very occasional letter from

some

was 1937 when the character of these letters underwent an abrupt change. Sam no longer sounded like Sam and I got no letters at all from friends anymore. But the letters from Sam were now not typical of him at all.

young

friend there.

It

Oh, he was not a man for words and never had a great deal

—

yet there

was always a good dose

to say

of his heart in his talk,

and

VICTOR HERMAN even

you could guess

in letters

warmth

the

began coming were nothing

that

letters

91

blooded of every hint of feeling

— and

of the

like

that

man. But the

— they

seemed

neither did they convey the

some item or two about Miriam's progress in some anecdote about the comically confused system of production at the plant. There was nothing like this, nothing that would suggest anything more than a pencil was making the words usual sort of news,

school or

that

were always so laboriously printed

ruled

painfully

in

lines

across the scraps of paper that he used.

My

about the weather

father talked

spent sentences on the weather

—a

—

I

mean, he actually

subject of virtually

Russia, at least where he lived in Russia, so slightly did

weather.

And

These were time there was

he was writing.

letter

letters

about the changeless weather and the

to write letters

the changeless closing:

Your

— and

was

that

father sends

you

Miriam and Gusta, also your brother Leo and in

in

vary, the

he did not talk about the weather, then he talked

if

about writing the

Yet

no note it

all

love

all his

—so do

his wife.

—

quite

my

dad.

each there would be a hint of something odd

unlike the sort of written thing

There was something

in

I

had come

little

they said, save

to expect from

— and was —but something notably not saying wrongness — such

each that caught

my

attention

it

not just the restraint that was in evidence

wrong, something disquieting

as

in its

"Lucille," but "wife." I ill

in

tried for a leave

some way and

That would be whatever had

of

quickly.

Gorky I

I

as

like him. It

was

a thing

my

my

father seriously

bad news from me?

father

would do

—

was

that

if

Home! That

I

it,

then

I

should be getting

home

was

I

—

refused.

to

should think of that place outside

home! That place and not Ironwood! it was on the 14th day of December

applied for a leave

applied, and

hide

be hidden so that his family would not worry on

to

And

his account.

him

from the Center. Was

trying his best to keep the

No

leave

that

— no permission granted

to

return to Gorky.

Reason?

None

No

given.

leave.

Your

Never before

place

this

is

here.

You

are needed here. Teach!

had my movements been

interfered with.

had always required passes and papers and but if you were red tape to go from here to there

Surely

it

—

all

sorts of

patient, the

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

92

bureaucracy would eventually get around to giving you what you wanted, and in time you got the documents you needed to travel.

But now

A week

—no

was no

it

we knew him

title

by,

was is

called in to see the

— but

Commissar,

attached to the school. That was

Commissar Bikov

— and

was a member of the Secret

know

don't

I

I

power who

erally understood he really was,

day,

later, to the

a fellow of political

the only

permission, no reason.

that

is

it

was gen-

Service.

he

If

what we understood. Every

school and factory had a fellow like this

— and although they never

declared themselves as persons connected to the Secret Service,

everyone believed that was the source from which they derived their authority;

and everyone also understood that no one,

greater authority than did the

Sometimes

sar there.

man

or

woman who was

at

a

no one had

factory or at a school or at any other place like this,

the

Commis-

person would be called the Commissar or

this

sometimes he would be called the Personnel Manager or sometimes the Chief of Information, but whatever he was called,

him

called

great his

power was.

Yet few people, so ings with such a person

was not

to. It

—

it

was

we

Commissar, and we had a pretty clear idea of how

the

that

just that

far as

anyone knew, ever had

— and no one, not anyone

I

direct deal-

knew, wanted

one heard unpleasant things about such dealings

no one heard anything much, yet there the person

was, an overseer of some kind, a mystery of sorts, and perhaps

because of

this, fearful.

Anyway,

— he wanted

this

Commissar

at the school, this

Bikov, called

me

me and to see me right away. me a chair when I presented myself. He showed none of the usual, if grudging, courtesies. He just began right in as soon as I was standing before him. And I stayed that

in

He

to see

did not offer

way, standing rather

He

said,

stiffly,

throughout our brief interview.

"Cadet Herman, get out of here!"

And

then he

cursed me. I

in the

some

didn't understand.

way

I

I

thought

I

had perhaps offended him

had entered the room. That

sort of discourtesy

—

perhaps had come into the

I

had perhaps committed

some inadvertent way irritated him room too abruptly, too forcefully, some-

in

thing.

And

then

I

smiled

— thinking

that this

was a joke of some

— VICTOR HERMAN

.93

That was

kind, not unlikely in the range of Russian customs.

a joke.

I

smiled to show

And

my

"Do

he screamed,

it

appreciation.

my

not approach

desk!

Do

not take

one step nearer!"

And side

then

— and

saw the guard

I

my

took two steps in

Again

this

How

a joke this was!

will

in

me

— and

I

stood there dumbfounded.

completely bizarre, the Russian idea of

show

leg. Shall

am

I

curse

him

in return? it is

remove your uniform!" Bikov screamed. "You

will

to

And you

instantly!

it

if

that

I

off?

it

"You

way

and

off to the rear

of Bikov, the guard

getting the joke and

thought. Is this the

time to call

do

came out

the desk.

Bikov cursed

playing with a fellow, pulling his I

was standing

direction and then planted himself, as

man behind

defense of the

What

that

at this, at this shriek that

will not take one step closer to

me

— not

one step!" I

actually laughed. But not

much.

"Remove my uniform? What

for?

Why

should

I

remove my

uniform?"

"You have been have

it

removed

You

dismissed!

and leave this place at once!

missed

said,

"Please be serious

— but why must

How will

I

get

back

to

I

remove

my

it

is

my

cold. All right, I've

I

will

uniform?

It is

been

dis-

too cold in here.

quarters?"

— and

the guard began to

me.

had done

or

steps toward me.

—

"Guard!" Bikov screamed

I

remove your uniform

for you!"

The guard took another two I

are to

Now, remove your uniform

lots of fighting in the States

—but

I

come

at

had never been

—

boxing anything approaching a fight in the Soviet Union matches, for sport, in and out of the ring, plenty of them, but never

in

had

I

allowed myself to continue the sort of street fighting that Td

had so much of back home. I

did not want to fight anybody.

just surprised.

December

And

— nor

men And how to

of these

—

get

I

was

was not angry,

really. I

was

would follow from doing so. quarters? It was the third week in

suffer the chill that

back to

my

the cold was bad enough

intolerable out there, and there

barracks.

I

not in the least willing to undress in front

was

in here, in

Bikov's

office,

the long distance back to

and

my

COMING OUT OF THE As

my

94

what

for the guard,

would not take

if

my

my

off

fellow in uniform?

my

clothes and stood there in

long underwear, two suits of

took

A

him?

hit

I

I

that chance.

stripped off

I

ICE

one over the other.

it,

them beside me on

clothes and dropped

boots and just

I

and

the floor

stood there waiting for whatever was next.

Bikov handed a piece of paper the

man

to carry

me. As he came toward me,

to

it

measure, figuring where if

I

changed

grams on

I

would

my mind and

decided to

to elicit their delivery.

I

could

hit.

It

his

my

was

like

drawing dia-

drawing of them seemed

just the

feel

began to take

I

and then second and third

hit first

and heart, and

his belly

guard and then motioned

to the

fists

connecting with the

rough texture of that man's uniform, mindful to drive them

in

where

there were no buttons to bruise me.

But

the

did not

I

hit.

took the paper from him. There was very

I

name

my name

of the school,

DISMISSED, and the date,

all

and

little

official status,

on

just

it:

and the word

of this last printed over with

some

rubber stamp.

sort of

''AH right,"

but before

I

I

made

and folded the paper and turned to leave,

said it

"You

Bikov screamed again. The man

to the door,

sounded completely insane,

his rage uncontainable.

Herman! Your kind does not belong here! All enemies are being weeded out! Dismissed, Herman, dismissed!" I wheeled around and faced the man. He was still seated at his

desk

are an enemy,

—

"What I

the

his screaming, the

crimson with the strain of

his face

me

guard stepping toward *

again as

I

turned.

you talking about?"

are

I

said.

my mouth when anticipated my question

had scarcely got the words out of

flew back at me, as

if

he had

his reply

and had

already rehearsed his answer.

He

Now

shrieked in reply,

leave here!

1

"You

You

will find out!

say leave here this instant and

I

will find out!

will not tell

you

again!" I

kept myself remarkably calm,

The more enraged trol of the I

responses

said, "I

Was

I

man became, made to him.

this I

suppose

I

will

have

threatening him with

father's friendship with

now the

to see

my

that

more

my

I

I

think back on felt

myself

in

it.

con-

father about this."

father's Party affiliation?

Kaganovich's brother?

My

VICTOR HERMAN

95

Bikov screamed, "See your

do you no good!" 'Then I will go higher. I will see General Aideman." "Go!" Bikov screamed. "Go to the grave to see your friend Aideman because Aideman is dead! That is what happens to father!

It

will

I said,

—

enemies, Herman!

Now get

out of here! Guard!"

Aideman an enemy? An enemy eral, the

The man was

of what?

head of the Osoviakhim, a sort of semimilitary

And

organization, a very important man.

civil

a gen-

defense

man was dead? From

this

what? From being an enemy?

And

then

understood.

I

then his protection of

gotten along without I

my

it.

when he

status died

—

it

man who

true, that the

benefactor, as

more school

All right, so no

was

this

If

my

had arranged things for me,

it

were, was dead,

died.

was not so important.

had

I

was not the end of everything.

It

stood in the doorway, shivering, trying to think of something

to say. I

thought of

it.

Aideman was a great man! He was the best Russian I ever met! You, Commissar Bikov, are nothing at all! You are welcome to your uniform! I am an American! What do I need with your ridiculous uniform? I would sooner I

screamed

at this

wear

freeze to death than

And

with that,

Apparently good. But lay

on the

I

I

Bikov, "General

I

it."

turned and walked out into the blazing cold.

had the leave

I

wanted. At

had nothing to wear

—

much

of

was

it

one uniform that now

floor of Bikov's office.

But between the cadets and the lected to cover

Moscow

least that

just that

to

me from

Gorky

—

the cold

instructors,

— and

I

after a long, angry

Moscow, from Sanatori Forel

enough was

got on the

first

train

col-

from

walk from the airbase

to the first train

to

home.

TWENTY-ONE Something had gone wrong. losing the footing

I

had.

I

I

mean

don't

mean

generally,

all

just with

me, with

my

over the Soviet Union,

something was suddenly wrong. No, not suddenly, not suddenly

at

COMING OUT OF THE all.

ICE

96

Suddenly only insofar as

Had

to this point? If

any of

looked

I

basketball game,

A

maybe

man

like

—

But

—

it

was not

— had someone done and world —

my

—

flying

that

was worse by

vision

Were

his world, this

had originally expected

— —but

for all those

was. Me,

this

I

my command me

to

was

just

perhaps somewhat more slowly than still,

just passing through.

of a diflicult language

Sooner

home

than later Td be off and away and heading happily back

I

Was in my

it?

there casts

was wrong

it

whose home

an American passing through

What

and

far.

something was wrong, then

that qualified

A

well

else?

or any good at all?

for all those people

creased by

for

do with me?

match

a boxing

Sam. He would know. This was

good

my

me, if

to

Did he look but see through a squint?

father's eyes?

And

have

stuff

yet with what c|uality of eyesight did he see

his vision very

I

listened to a radio,

Russian

all this

— and who knew about anything

sort of thing

others

newspaper or

did

100-meter dash? That was

in the

jumping

seen

I

looked?

I

at a

What

this.

could see, because what had

/

and a

—

in-

certificate

fly.

stories there'd

be to

might even make up a

tell

what harm could there be

—

to all those kids I'd left behind.

something about lions and

little

tigers

in that?

—

was the Lindbergh of Russia I, Victor Herman! Who knew? Perhaps there would even be a parade in my honor right down Michigan Avenue with the Goldmann boys and their cousins I

—

looking enviously on.

The

thing

can Village

now was

— and then

home

to get

really

home,

—

the

where they made the world's greatest ginger

ing

And Henry Ford would have $18,000 for me! So who cared about having to

itched like

any of

Herman

it

*

anyway!

have anything

kid, of

Who

They arrested \ou and sign,

and

if

you did or you

Sam and

way home,

the

Ameri-

to the city

ale. all

stacked up and wait-

take off a uniform that

cared about anything Russian! Did

in the

6094 Ironwood

to

first

all

whole wide world to do with the Street, Detroit?

jailed

you and beat you

didn't, they

to

make you

took you to the basement

and they kept you there until they called you out at night, and you stood by the door waiting for them to open it, and when they did there were four of them, one with the pistol and three in black, the

VICTOR HERMAN

97

Straps crisscrossed over black leather chests

and black. Three had

leather

because

that's

how

made them

had the heavy revolver, and he held to

all

it

and the fourth

look,

pointed down. They told you

walk and you went walking with them, the three

and the fourth behind gag

in

—

of them in

and they only seemed so long

rifles

the bayonets

and

all

around you

stopped you to push the rubber

until they

your mouth and then started you up again and said

nowhere but down.

It

was only

at night that they called

to look

you

out,

and you stood there waiting and they opened the door and there were four of them, the three

in leather

and the fourth behind, clean-

shaven and bristling with formality, his heavy revolver pointing

down. They made you walk and then they stopped you and put the rubber thing

your mouth and

in

down, and then they made you your knees, and

in

said,

do not look anywhere but

down

get

until

a while they would do

it,

it

you were down on depended how

long,

but not until they had the automobiles ready, the ones they fixed to backfire

and

backfire, for

when he

fired the bullet into

your head,

him, the one with the heavy revolver.

The its

train

from Moscow

to

Gorky seemed malevolently

slow,

pace a maddening crawl broken by long unexplained pauses as

made

its

way through

sluggish

up the tracks on glistening white

bleached of

all

either

walls,

side.

the great banks of It

was

snow

sleepwalking between

your steps leading you along a corridor

color but the color of cold.

was white, very white, and

It

like

it

that walled

inside, in the clanking iron of

your dream, the thing that carried you through that tunnel of cold, there was nothing but your voice talking to you in your sleep, and all

around you bundles of other sleepers, except you couldn't be

sure. I

dozed and waked and dozed again

— and once

I

waked with

the sweat pouring off me.

What!

"You are an enemy, Herman!" And then I fell into a long thin sleep, and with the sweat freezing on me I froze in the dream I had of walking, just walking through

field after field

of

warm, candy-colored snow.

Sam embraced me when he opened back and kissed him her too.

— and

hoisted

Miriam

the door. to

my

I

hugged him

chest and kissed

COMING OUT OF THE

My used

98

my hand

father held

— and

when

ICE

Miriam went

the

all

to the stove

way to to make

the

tea for us

she had things under way, she pulled on her high

we

table

little

and

all,

felt

boots,

the sort of Russian galoshes almost everyone in the Village wore,

Leo and

got into her coat, and went to fetch

was not

It

made

my

that

when

a great fuss

something more

— my

what was

family, I

hand

my

hand, and

We had I

I

But then he

his tea?

"It

is

I

and he released

said, "It

is

good

Miriam

that

he

talk until

not here.

is

have a great many things to

you," but he

tell

finger to his lips to

hush me.

not necessary," he repeated.

"Told to take

enemy

sat

must have em-

it

this,

moment. Would he not

hand and then moved one

raised his

we

you, and she must not know."

tell

"Papa,

I said,

then

doing

was

this

wished he hadn't.

sat in silence for a

have things to

And

still

had not always

it,

grasping mine as

still

across from one another at the table.

barrassed him to discover he was

of

some absence, but

returned after

father's

Lucille.

left

—you — anyway,

my

uniform

off,

told that

his

hand

in

a signal to stop

tience?

kind of

me!"

can't believe the things they told

Again he raised

am some

I

a gesture of indifference, impa-

— and

again he pressed his finger

to his lips.

"Miriam need to

will not

me

tell

be long," he said. "Let

anything

—

looked nervously toward the door and then

Then he turned back

stove.

dropped

my

gaze and

I

that

was

that part of

and

him

on the

there it

in this

to

You

don't

He

on the

the kettle

at

me, and began, and as he talked,

first

man's arms.

to look at,

I

evidence of the astonishing

He seemed

and he kept

table, visible for

may seem

speak.

studied his hands, the thick wrists that

grew bluntly back from them, your

power

me

believe me, your father knows."

his

me, to have

a small thing, but to

me

to

hands

if it

I

sought

in front of

that's

was

know what

not,

him,

I

needed,

my

father's

denying himself the habit he had when he was seated of lowering his

hands between

his knees

and clasping them

there. It

may seem

a small thing that that's what he did, kept his hands there

could see them, but he did that I

was

watched

said with

"I ask

— and now

his hands, his wrists,

any great

you

feeling. It did not

to leave here with

Miriam and return

to

Moscow. You

I

remember

and he talked need

your

where

I

it.

—and none

of

it

that.

sister.

I

ask you to take

are to go straight to the Ameri-

VICTOR HERMAN

^99

You

can consulate there.

them

will tell

that

immediately, and you will do whatever they so that I

it

you and your said,

—

you

go home

to

you you must do

want you

I

to

make me your most

will not leave that building until they send

Do

home.

sister

tell

will place yourself entirely in their hands.

to promise me, Vickie,

solemn promise

I

You

happens.

want you

you wish

have your promise?"

1

"Yes, Papa, of course

1

promise

—

of course. But what's

wrong?" "I

have your promise," he

"Yes, Papa," actly as

you

He

said.

I

But what

say.

said.

promise you anything.

"I

that

is it

is

simply said, "There are twenty of us

cans, only twenty

And

I

"Yes? What happened

said,

not

is

it,"

do ex-

Of

left.

all

the

Ameri-

Why

to all the rest?

did

of a sudden?"

left all

he said before the door banged open and

Miriam was there with Leo and in

will

left."

they leave? What's going on that everybody

"That

I

wrong?"

them bustling

his wife, the three of

from the wind and the cold. went

I

to the

been shut down.

after the four of us ate.

But

it

had

went looking through the Village for some of the friends. I found two. They said they had

I

who had been my

kids

nothing to say not

Clubhouse

talk.

Did

—

I

it

was not good

for exactly that reason

—

Harry and Veikko would

Clubhouse had been shut down no one was to assemble, there was to be no

know

not

to talk,

that the

talk?

Yes, yes, but what are you going to do?

I

another asked both of them, and both just looked taken leave of It It

my

one fashion or

in at

me

as

if

I

had

senses.

was amazing! was one

thing,

how grownups behaved,

all

caution and

watchfulness for the sake of their children or just plain old adult

had —young men? was simply not anything way across before —young people scared

prudence. But kids

I

It

ever

come

this,

unwilling even to talk.

frightened in a

What

in

like

the world could have

them so?

My father

waited until Miriam was

solutely certain she table

and again we

was

sat.

asleep,

in

bed and

until

and then he motioned

he was ab-

me

to the

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

"You gave me your

100

promise," he said, whispering.

"Yes."

"You

will

keep

he said.

it?"

"Yes, of course."

"Out of hundreds, twenty are

—who knows where? You want Papa — me, Papa."

taken away will

be alone.

"No,

him

The come

others

my

was putting

to

I

said, trying to lean across to

acknowledging the gravity of the

me.

You

"All right," he said, "I have your promise.

say and

we

about

—he

it"

speak no more about

will

where she lay door

arrested,

all

for me, your sister

that?"

trust

to give every proof of

thing he

here.

they

If

it.

It

is

do

will

as

I

not good to speak

nodded toward where Miriam's bed was, toward and then he tipped

sleeping,

— "not good," he

you are a man, Vickie. You

his

head toward the

expect you to be a man.

said. "I will

know

I

will take care of this business like a

man."

"Of course. Papa,"

and then

said,

I

I

said,

"But what about

Leo?"

my

"Enough," to silence

hand

father whispered and again raised his

me. "This business

is

between vou and me, Vickie

—

have your word."

—

"You have my word," I said and because I wanted him to know it was a man's word that I had given, because I thought, and thought so foolishly, that this was a way to reassure him, to comfort

him

in his terrible

Boyishly, like a man,

went

concern, I

I

did not kiss

rose and said

Miriam had made

to the pallet

my

father

good night

for me,

promise of silence that was vowed between

That morning Sam hurried Miriam

to

my

and with

us, I

off to

good

father and

that,

went

night.

with the

to bed.

school before

it

was

time for her to leave.

He

wasted not a moment.

"Listen," he said. "I will be late for the shop, and this

time to be

—

I

mean,

thought.

swear

you

late, if I

so listen.

am

me

something happens, and

right

with.

now

You

understand me?

—on your mother's

to swear." I

nodded.

He

said.

"Say

I

it

— say T

swear.'

"

I

grave,

no

am

not here

it

a second

suddenly gone, you are not to give

Over and done

this to

If

is

want you I

am

to

asking

VICTOR HERMAN "I swear,"

101

said.

I

me and

"All right," he said, and he hugged

But no one was getting There was no way

do

to

knows how long ago? Now there was no

No

one was going to get home.

no way

it,

Perhaps there had been

wanted.

I

out.

—

left.

do

to

the things

—

father

— who

no matter how much you wanted

going,

could get back to the American Village, but

again

my

month, two months

a

I

it.

could not get out

no farther than Gorky. Those who tried did not and it went much worse for you if you tried. They

at least

get very far

—

enemy they had

shot you there, right where you stood, the

said

you

much

too

were thus incontestably proved. That's late.

The

to write,

farther

to the Village,

was here

that

weather was bad and

was hard

it

and that put

me

all

"October

— and

I,

many miles was in Moscow

those

her one means of getting there,

too.

wanted

to

take

my

father

and shake him

— and

Nineteen thirty-four!" Scream just

first!

scream,

that,

nothing

— scream my man — man would be would not do But Be— and my screaming would happen only my myself? Had accountable was not Was go by? Had not had my time —but was

more

in his face.

it

that.

I

father sides, I

that

— always

from the one chance we had. The consulate

was here now I

my dad

were then

they were warnings, what good did they do? They brought

—and Miriam I

the warnings

from

letters

if

me back

how

a

I

his doing.

I

preferred

my jumping

And why

should

it

for

and

my

the end, there

not

I

it

flying, the attention, to anything else? I

have

was Miriam and Papa and Leo

— my

have been otherwise? What reason would

— and my family was The any made no Here we were — Miriam and — and — no use send message, no use here!

family

of this.

difference,

It

clear.

there

not

willing to let

in

head.

in

all

it

had? And,

like

a

I

to

facts

were simple and

there

was no

to try to run,

a

getting

no use

to

go

out there and stand in the middle of the Village and scream and

scream for

all

I

was worth.

No

use to any of

not anyone for hundreds of miles,

There was snow out there

who

— snow

could be snow from pole to pole for

make

— and

I,

I

it.

There was no one,

could help you all

all

the

way

to

if

he heard.

Moscow.

the difference that

It

would

could have the power to scream from one to the

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

102

from the top of the earth

Other,

tance that

my

voice carried,

it

was twenty-two years

I

Miriam was

to the bottom, but over all the dis-

would only be

my

mother

that heard.

old.

twelve.

TWENTY-TWO Run? With

a twelve-year-old girl?

And if you did run Moscow and found some more impossible you

trick to get

from

all

way

the

lifeless

to

there across the even

distance to and then into the consulate, what was

behind? The

left

and got away and got

it

bodies of your father and your brother?

Trapped!

was an idea

It

that

had never occurred

People could be trapped?

/

loved could be caught and not get away,

some

me

in all

it

I

my

days.

and those

was an idea

I

that took

getting used to.

Even not seem

A

then, with

all

the testimony recorded,

week or so passed. needed

that

to

My

father and

be said?

He

was even stonier than before

it

still

the facts did

real.

was there and

to

could be trapped? That

I,

we

did not talk

—what

restored himself to his silence,

—

but, aside

from

that,

nothing

was changed.

He went

—

to

and they took I

wanted

Up

to

there,

it

the factory

me back

as

And worse

was

better

—

I

for

I

up there than down after

months

it

settle

stayed as

had returned to

it

too.

here. Flying

you were up there

— and

bornly into spring and then summer, with

went back to Vodopyanov

nothing was amiss.

then things seemed to

— and

conditions

—and

fly.

somehow and almost made it all go away. small

it all

if

it

as all

a bit

made

for a while,

—bad,

yes,

it

but no

was, unchanged from the the that

months moved

stub-

alarm seemed to go

— VICTOR HERMAN

103

Had anything happened? Nothing. And even the crazy escape schemes December, lying

even these began

to leave

me. Yet

Was

by some new marvel of escape. be

flew? Did

all

I

had contrived back

many

lay there so

I

January and February, sleep nowhere near

who

I

in

and spinning with some fabulous scheme,

sleepless

I

my

my

bed,

nights in

brain seized

not a pilot, as skilled as any

Would

not have access to an airplane, to fuel?

that preposterous to

make

it

of!

it

the ground with Miriam with

me?

me

Look, Comrades, the kid has been driving

me

don't take her up, she will drive

out of

my

crazy.

If

I

mind.

And go where did anything at

with her when I got her up there? What range Vodopyanov have? And if I could get a plane with

any

and get Miriam

real range

place safe to

in

go. There was no

it,

even then there would be no

flying far

enough

to fly out of the

Soviet Union.

So do what? Fly over the consulate and scream? Get up there

Moscow and grab Miriam to me done? Jump out of some plane with a kid

with a chute and get the plane to

and jump? Could

be

it

on your chest? Do

it,

actually

do

and land yourself on the con-

it,

sulate roof?

There was nothing consider until

I

—

I

wouldn't think

of,

no notion

I

wouldn't

night after night through January and then February

came always

to the

And

end of the thought:

leave what

behind?

The bodies

of

your father and your brother, your father and

brother dead because you ran

And when March

—and

got nowhere

gave way to April,

my

nohow

in the

nights gave

—

end.

way

to

sleep, and the alarm seemed all for nothing now been no change. Our neighbors by the score were missing, but those

there had simply

that remained, remained.

It

was quiet

in the

Village

saw Leo and Lucille hardly Sotsgorod, and talked, that

I

all

at

was not going

was where they did

There was sun now to the snows, the earth revealed

through April and May, and

all.

They had

to the factory

since

—

if

moved

I

into

Sam and Leo

it.

raise

you up, and with the melting of

itself, still

—

some but now forgotten burden ology in you that moved in measure

there beneath

and you could not

its

once awe-

resist the bi-

to the seasonal tide.

The

earth

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

104

and you lightened with

lightened,

it

— and

there

was no reason not

to.

May became

was a wonderful June, and all the more noticeably than had the last snow. They were blots on the green landscape

June and

it

panic of winter vanished no resistant patches of

here and there, remarkable not for what they were the

only for their persistence, and then, they were gone

—and

but

morning, some morning,

in the

who remembered

last of,

the fearsome torrent they

had belonged to?

You

Sports were

again.

anybody wanted

all

and

right along with them,

back

snow

think: // will never

to talk

about now, and

— why should they not want me? Gorky. was good, one — And was happy go— happy no time was

to Spartak

of the best

I

a star athlete for

to run.

to

I

in

I

ing at the fields every day, getting set for the Spartakiad,

train-

which

a sort of nationwide junior Olympics.

is

was

It

great, being

they wanted

me

me.

fine with

wanted

just

I

around and around that worry

back

right out of

to use myself

— and

make me

mind in

there

my

motion

a

And

ran.

One It

in

my

perfectly

around the clock, to go

there,

and cold and

had a place to

there,

worry

was running, doing

I

as

I

all

the rest of

it,

ran, the time of the meet

had outside of the region of

I

ran the same course every day, and

my

feet

touching

turf, the

speed

mind.

then the heat of July came, and the days sped by with the

my

action of

20th.

I

head there was nothing but

made

was

was nothing any longer

away from me

had drawn for myself.

I

I

moved

I

August the only reference

late

said that

say no.

June was July now, and feeling the world fall

wanted to move into

I

track, just run all that winter

me, and so

and didn't go home about, nothing to

in

thing again. Right away,

at a favorite

know it was all right if the Gorky stadium, and I

to

the dormitory at

I

I

wasn't the least surprised to be invited

I

feet.

It is all I

can remember of

of the coaches called

me

was not about anything

this time.

over after the session on July

I'd

been doing out there on that

track.

He had

a

message for me,

Gorky Spartak wanted me

this

to stop

by

coach.

The head man

his office.

at the

— VICTOR HERMAN

__105

Why? To chat. Chat? That's right.

When? Now. His name?

Chernov. Comrade Chernov. Right now.

had

I

streetcar

go across Gorky to get

to

— and

and how

I

there.

passengers around

my clothes, how they me my status as an athlete.

treatment, no medals on a uniform to get

or a better place to stand

purple T-shirt

I

was some color

wore. in

is

I

— but

was an

me now,

was a good day

It

That

went

—

went by

I

remember how jammed with passengers

was proud of

I

I

— and

This Chernov

—

I felt I

was

it

all

those

There was no special

me

a trip without fare

some people looked at me, the and they knew it, and there

athlete

running

one of the things

suggested to

in the sun,

day

in

and day

out.

good.

remember

— how good

surely what he really wanted

I felt.

was

to

make

the

—

acquaintance of a fine athlete the man who would pace the Gorky team, the man who would bring honor and credit to himself and to all

concerned.

Chernov wanted an autograph With best wishes from your friend Victor Herman, the Lindbergh of Russia. 20 July Perhaps

this

1938.

There were two men there with Chernov

— and

I

knew one

of

them.

He was a gymnast, a man named Isaev. The other man was in uniform an Army lieutenant. Chernov stood behind his desk, his arms folded

—

in front I

am

pleasantly

of him.

said,

"Good

afternoon, Mr. Chernov.

You

called for me.

I

Victor Herman."

The man Isaev

said, "That's right.

I

attest to

it.

This

man

is

Victor Herman."

The lieutenant came toward me, one hand on other hand holding something in my direction. "This I

is

a paper for

your arrest," he

reached to take the paper, but the

his holster, his

said.

man withdrew

it.

COMING OUT OF THE Perhaps

was

it

ICE Chernov's benefit

for

was. But

106

remember smiHng

sportsman

I

then

"All right, I'm arrested."

I said,

"The man

I

what a

me by I

And

his direction.

Victor Herman," Isaev said. "Thank you,

is

"All right,"

display

to

in

man

rade Chernov," he said, and signaled the

promptly took

—

in

uniform,

Comwho

the elbow.

repeated, "I'm arrested.

go with you. We'll get

this

over with.

I'll

get

I'll

my

things.

I'll

my

things and we'll

still

not real to me.

get

get this over with."

Perhaps

I

was

There was nothing of

my

"We will It's

from

Perhaps

—

—except

— with

since that

first

good day

man

Isaev said.

else in

motion

the

had been covering

I

take care of your things," the

my

in June.

extraordinary what a person will say in such circum-

—what

his

me

was

it

my mind

that clear in

legs along the oval course

body and whatever

stances

relieved. all

will

mouth.

I

capture his attention

and what might come

suppose they would say that

some sort of momentum words carrying us along. I said, "Thank you." is

of language,

it

is

shock which

Or perhaps

accounts for these curious oddities of behavior.

that

it

mere ceremony of

the

TWENTY-THREE I

sat

between Isaev and the lieutenant, the three of us

of the touring car that

was waiting

This Isaev, he was not a

admired him

—he was

in the

back

outside.

man

disliked.

I

On

the contrary,

I

a first-class gymnast, and, as Russians go, a

friendly fellow, always full of high spirits and truly dedicated to sports.

Like me, he was a devoted competitor

— and we had

often

talked about things, about famous athletes and world's records and

sometimes even about

So what

who

were.

if

You

his job with the

he was a

member

got used to

it

—

NKVD.

of the

NKVD?

after a while

connections a second thought, what a

man

There were many

you did not give such did

when he was not

—

I

VICTOR HERMAN doing a

was

You

his sports.

man

107

whom

for

incidental, of

came

we drove

my

Isaev and the lieutenant on

Td ever

as any

and

first

no great importance

said nothing as

I

and

seen,

see

We

of us, and

and would

make

occurred to

it

mood

I

was

it

over with

to be driving in that

that lay before me,

no time

in

I

at all.

in front

to be concerned about the Spartakiad,

was going

I

put the question to Isaev

had come

that the thought

me when

Isaev did not look at

man

as beautiful

crowd of schoolchildren cross

be back from wherever

I

the meet.

just the

me

you

did not speak, the

The day was

other side.

all

it

to let a

like

everything else

at all.

was a pleasure

it

through and get

it

had stopped

whom

for

— and they

excellent automobile, and whatever

would

man

understood he was a

just

sports

in

ample time

— my manner

to

offhand, in

me.

to

He

he replied.

kept his atten-

tion straight ahead.

"Not

The

Victor," he said.

this year,

driver started

up

and

again,

my

through with

me

only to help

it

to

was only keep

my

that

make

business in time to

said not this year,

remember thinking Isaev

I

—

was probably overstating the matter

would of course be

I

the meet, that

me from

to spare

if

he had

thinking about

it,

on what was im-

attention focused

mediately ahead. I

took

as a kindly gesture

it

—and

part in something he had

no heart

But when Isaev spoke "There

will

that,

it

was

hit

kind of nonsense had is

is

I

began.

to take

my hand

and squeezed. His taking

did.

my hand

like

me.

real! I

been speaking? This

suddenly very wrong! This

"Isaev,"

"My

is

friend, listen

is

happening!

real!

—

"

But the lieutenant cut

short.

"No I

ing,

am

hammer had

What Something

me

in his

was undone by what Isaev up! This

sorry for him,

reached for

at this Isaev

I

like a

little

for.

my hand

Wake

a

had obliged him

reply to me, the lieutenant said,

in

be no talking," and

with his hand, and he took

I felt

NKVD

for Isaev, that his position with the

I

talking," he said,

said,

"What have

swear.

I

am

I

smacking

done?

I

his

am

an American, and

fist

on

my

innocent. I

tell

you

I I

knee.

have done noth-

am no enemy

innocent!"

Again the lieutenant pounded

his

fist

against

my

knee.

—

COMING OUT OF THE *

ICE

*

108

crazy!

is

am

I

an American

You

don't have anything to do with you people!

I

do

citizen.

people can't

this!"

And

my I

hunching forward and trying to

said,

I

look into Isaev's eyes. "This

then

head and

threw myself back against the seat and kept shaking

I

sort of chuckling

—

was

this

unfathomably absurd,

all

would show them by chuckling, they would be made

that

knew it if they did mind began fixing on

My

all

sorts of elements that

components of the scene

be the critical

to appreciate

not.

at least

I

— not

took to

I

on Isaev and the

lieutenant and the driver, but on the quality of the ride, the pitch of the sun in the sky, the color of the street as the sun glanced off it.

was going

I

of these things

memory the know that we drove

to

commit

—

to

one of the shoelaces of

to

precise distinction of each

Isaev's sneakers

in a

Ford Model A, that

was untied,

wearing socks, that the date was the 20th of July.

The 20th

of July! Nearly four years since

that plane, since

day

it

my me as

a deafening deadfall,

in

itself in

the bridge across the Volga, and the light

world could ever it

I

I

I

might have done,

would be

Was

be guilty of? Besides,

I

all

Oka

always preferred the

panicking for?

it

was none

We

the sky.

over the car. Amazing. Only four days ago

What was

wasn't

consciousness

plummeted

I

was, the sun pouring out of the heavens in

lowered

it

here even though

I

ground.

like granite to the

reddish hues as

that

.

had jumped out of

I

peering mindlessly somewhere to the side of

a

.

had pushed myself up and then out and then

I

gone for 142 seconds

What

.

I

I

turned and took

from the water flashed 1

had been swimming

to the Volga.

not innocent?

What

was an American

of their business!

over, everything cleared up,

—

By

in the

so whatnightfall

the error admitted,

apologies conveyed.

"Where American!

do

this to I

his at

fist

are

You

we going?" will

pay for

an American!

I

I

said. "I

this!

This

demand is

to

be told!

kidnapping!

promise you both, you

will

I

You

am

an

cannot

pay!"

kept screaming at them, waiting for the lieutenant to slam into

my

me, amused

who were

knee or

face.

—and then he

staring,

applauding."

my

But he did nothing.

said,

He

only looked

nodding toward some pedestrians

"Look, Lindbergh of Russia, the people are

—— VICTOR HERMAN was

It

109

and

a forty-minute drive,

ended

it

in front of a four-

story building on Vorobevka Street, a white building, a building

constructed of limestone.

because

was central

it

It

was a building

to things in

I

knew very

Gorky, and not very

it was the Dynamo gymnasium where in winter trained in basketball and done some boxing too.

was the headquarters of the Secret

It

Gorky without knowing had passed

I

it

the

first

many

Everybody

when he

from the building

didn't live long around

that.

this building

as the law required.

from

had sometimes

Service, this four-story

You

limestone building on Vorobevka Street.

I

well

far

passed.

my

times, diverting

Gorky

in

was a law there

It

eyes from

did that, looked

away

— and one

of

ones you found out.

The

gates were

opened and the car entered and then swung to the pavement even

around to the back, the lieutenant leaping

He

before we'd entirely stopped.

and held

it

lowered

"Out!" he

at his side.

said,

behind me, prodding It

my

and

me

was a Nagan, the

— and again

I

I

stepped from the car with Isaev coming

gently.

lieutenant's pistol,

was consumed with

observation of minutiae that

these people,

some

the I

mad

I

notion that

let

was through

his

gun

— and

Isaev jogged

us through.

entered with a strong athletic stride. I

it

would achieve some power over

forward with

ahead, opening the door to

with a swagger,

couldn't help noticing

control.

He motioned me I

jerked his gun from his holster

I

entered that

way

suppose.

TWENTY-FOUR I

stood before a squat desk, a

man

seated behind

it,

two men

to

either side.

"This

man

the paper he had

is

Victor Herman," the lieutenant said, and placed

shown me on

the desk.

"I confirm that," Isaev said.

"He

is

Victor Herman."

COMING OUT OF THE

as

if

ICE

110

The man behind the desk picked up it might carry some contagion.

He

the paper and handled

it

did not look at me.

"You

are Victor

"Yes,"

"Speak up!" he "Yes,"

At

Herman?" he

said.

I said.

said.

said.

I

one of the men standing

this,

to the side

of the fellow

behind the desk came forward and with the toe of his boot he

me

kicked

in the testicles. I

my mouth

clamped

could not breathe.

trils. I

writhing,

I

dropped

to the floor, blind with agony.

I

my

draw breath through

shut and tried to

am

thought: /

my

going to suffocate. In

tried to crawl across the floor, as

I

nos-

breath were over

if

there.

They grappled with me

had me standing, they dragged into the rear courtyard.

touring car was gone, and in

was a van, dark green, the same

there all

The

me off the floor, and when they me back out through the door and

to get

over for bread deliveries, and

I'd

sort of

there was a rack of for keeping

was a narrow

aisle,

Only flat

in

bed

and on either side

lockers, the sort of thing you'd see in schools

books and other belongings, eight of them, eight of

these lockers on each side, metal, with slanted

on them,

the plant.

all at

had been redone and, instead of a plain

for stacking bread, there

place

seen plenty of them from the

ground up, because we had assembled them the back, this one

its

van you'd see used

slits,

a

little

grillwork

in the front.

They pushed me up and then turned me locker on the right, and then they yanked open "Get

right

the

toward the

little

first

door.

in!"

"Too small." "In!" I heard, and I don't know how many of them were doing this, but they pushed me in there and slammed the little door closed and then snapped a padlock home. I could move my head "Can't,"

and

just

I

one of

foot, but then

my I let

to say.

hands and that was

tried to

good

It

was

was. But

as

as

push up on one

jammed me

into a

was going

to get.

I

waited.

know how

long

it

loaded.

in

count.

They brought them It gave you something

to do.

I

all. I

myself go into a slump that

propped-up position.

sort of I

managed

don't

one

I

know

at a time,

three others were

and

it

was easy

to

— VICTOR HERMAN was hot

It

.111

— and — on — and

had no socks

I

made

clothing

it

hotter,

the purple Spartak T-shirt

dark blue regulation trousers. that

my

in there

colors that took up the heat

I

dark

I

wore and

remember thinking how

fortunate

that

my

tennis shoes were white.

I

remember thinking all sorts of nonsense. I even remember thinking that what was really happening was that I was being punished because

again and again not to do I

my

had defied

for

my mother

had been boxing and because

I

it

— not

to risk

had told

my

another injury to

mother's warning, and this was what

I

was

me

liver.

getting

it!

remember thinking even

I

And

then that, like

my

that.

father before me,

I

was on

my way

to

be hanged.

We could

were moving now, had been moving some while, and

tell

we

I

were traveling toward Miza, because that's where the

airdrome was, and

I

could hear them, hear engines, and we'd been

going uphill, very sharply uphill

— and

so that had to be

toward

it,

Miza.

The van leveled out and continued on for a time, and then I tried to see my it made several turns and slowed and stopped. watch. Why did I want to see my watch? Anyhow, I tried. But I could not do

do

it.

Was

there any value in

knowing the time? Yet you

these things, try to carry out the checkpoints that are routine for

you

—

it

perhaps a way of containing yourself within something

is

familiar while an alien circumstance forms

Then

around you.

could hear the van doors open and see the

I

for

all

I

heard a locker open and a

them

to

man

light flash in.

being pulled out.

take me, but the doors closed

waited

I

again and the van

moved on and then stopped and the same thing was repeated. Again the van moved on, made a turn, went forward and stopped. The van doors opened a third time, and then the locker door was opened, mine, and two uniformed men took me by the arms and pulled

me

out.

They

got

me

out and onto the ground and then

closed the van doors behind them.

There was another four-story building red brick, no

windows

—

and from where

in front I

of me, this one

was standing

I

could

see seven other buildings roughly like this one, except they had

windows

— barred, but windows.

"Where am I?" I said. The two men that stood

to either side of

me

said nothing.

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

112

They had their revolvers out, the guns held slackly at their sides. They moved me forward, shifting to positions to the front and rear of me, and we walked about thirty yards and entered through a low iron door. I came out into a small room, what I supposed was a sort of guard's room. The men with me and the men in the room muttered several exchanges between themselves.

men

"All right," one of the

said.

paid no attention.

I

"You, prisoner, you

will

undress!"

wore no undershorts, and when

I

T-shirt and blue trousers,

them

the six or seven of

me

as

I

had pulled

were

that

in that little

room

my

off

my

stood there naked in

I

purple

tennis shoes, scrutinizing

all

they had never seen anything so ludicrous and disgusting.

if

"The Lindbergh

of Russia?" one of

them

said,

and the others

started laughing.

The one who had

my

yanked down

told

came up to me and my teeth. He raised each of my He told me to bend over and pull my looked at me there, he whistled and

me

arms and looked under them.

when he

buttocks apart, and

mock

then said in splendid,

how

They

all

to undress, he

jaw and looked

at

started laughing again,

and then they stopped

from the one who had examined me. They went

command

clothing, the

How

admiration, "The Lindbergh of Russia!

splendid!"

two items

I

had dropped next

to

me on

to

the floor,

at

a

my and

put these things on a table and searched them.

There was nothing there gave to the said,

I

am

man in "You

an American.

"No

—

my

a few coins,

wallet.

These they

charge. will find

pink.

It's

my temporary You can't miss

living permit in there. I it."

man bellowed back

noise!" the

at

me. "Hands behind

your back, head down, no noise!" did as he said.

I I

but

stood there.

now

it

was

all

It

was

real,

thing that might present there

I

had

very

what

it

real.

I

on the

was then

that

—

me now.

It

began casting through every-

My

To my

— what

was

mind began working the

in the ring or there, the other runners

track. I first

thought

—

for the

first

time in

might mean, one way or the other, that

circumcised.

had taken time,

a potential resource

that might possibly help?

against me, It

real to

itself as

way my body would work all

all

father, the

I

Hebrew custom was

my

life

had not been a thing to be

— VICTOR HERMAN

^113

shed, and all other religious practices with it. He would not let them circumcise me, not matter how Rose protested and when I was six, seven, in there, she told me. Had my father's willfulness

—

brought about something that would make a crucial difference?

A

Jew, his circumcision brands him.

It

man

confers on everyone

To be sure, there men who are not Jews and yet whose custom is the same. Yet to find a man circumcised is to begin to suspect: Is this a Jew? But I

everywhere the knowledge of what the

is.

are

was not marked that

would

in a

way

me

out.

single

that

would reveal me, not

set off in a

Would it be this that would save me? Or would it happen that my own body would one appeal that might work? For

if I

way

contradict the

were seen as a Jew, would not

another Jew help me?

But vincing

My

be seen as a Jew might add

me untouched by

viction

was

would push it

me

it

was

it

the

like a great

which he hoisted

as

But

it.

here.

also

common

had been

It

my

more con-

my

fate.

his large belief

father's strong belief that

practice of our race. His con-

rock that he pushed before him and onto

his wife

and push

just the stroke

conclude the deliberation of

to

father had gotten

had done

that left

to

someone needed

it

and children for

all

to take a lifelong ride.

He

of us to ride, never thinking that

turned the less nimble might

fall off,

be caught and ground

underneath.

Then where had I fallen? and I asked them

—

Again

Spets Korpus

—

Special Building

this

—

time

I

was given an answer

a building for political prisoners.

Spets Korpus.

So be

it. I

knew where

I

was.

TWENTY-FIVE I

was

told

to

take off

my

tennis

shoes.

I

did,

and they were

searched, each one inspected by a different man.

The

laces

were removed and the tennis shoes were handed back

COMING OUT OF THE to

ICE

114

me back my T-shirt and trousers, my trousers and had cut away

me, and then they gave

but

they had taken the belt from

buttons from the back pockets, from the

the

and from the waist-

fly,

band. I

got back into

my clothes

and stood

there.

noise!" the same man who had been giving the orders. I did as I was told, my hands behind me I stuck my thumbs through two belt

"Hands behind back, head down, no the one

said,

and with

my

loops and kept I

trousers from falling.

was moved through another low iron door and then a second

we came out

one, and then

into a large area, four levels of cells,

three tiers of cells rising on two sides.

One

of the two guards with

me

"Two!" and from

called out,

Two is ready!" Then the And from above the reply

above another guard called back, "Two! guard called out, "Thirty-nine!"

first

came, "Thirty-nine! Thirty-nine

me

stationed

ond

climbed the

I

up

"Up," one of them

level.

the last step

said.

to the

stairs

We

padded walkwav.

second

and

level,

I

was yanked

me on the arms and moved me along a

by the two guards

They took me by

landing.

The guards with me had

ready!"

is

at the foot of a stairway, iron steps rising to the sec-

the

who

passed one

waited for

steel

second thickly

door, then another and an-

other.

"Hands behind back, head down, no with

me I

know." but caught myself

kept on going,

they stopped

they stopped

all

the

way along

in time.

walkway, and then

that

me about five yards from the end. It was then, when me there, that it first came to me, the silence! Our

footsteps on the padded that stopped, the

mense, people like

men

said.

started to say. "I

We

when

noise." one of the

just

walkway gave little

scarcely any sound at

all,

and

sound we made, the silence was im-

breathing somewhere, a kind of hiss almost,

a hiss of open

there in the dark, hot

mouths, air,

just

maybe lungs

breath,

and the heat was

whistling

wet wool pasted

like

all

over you.

The guard

in front of

was downright comical, in a door,

and

not see

it?

A

humor

of

the

I

kept thinking

key it.

me produced

this gigantic

like that,

it

his key.

key he was

how comical

it

was impossible

It

was amazing.

It

fitting into the

lock

—could

they

all

was

that they did not see

— VICTOR HERMAN

He Then

115

got the key in there and actually used two hands to turn

two guards together,

the

would shout out "Surprise!"

hard sudden motion, as

in a

as they did

it.

they

if

it,

hauled back powerfully

in

there and the gas that

on the door.

The appalling

men

distortions of

rushed out from their midst,

was the

time in

my

that

I

tipped forward toward the precipice of a faint. For an instant

I

my

did not think

legs

would hold me

man

another

standing,

it

me

inside

first

— and though

I

reeled

staggered,

life

kept myself crazily,

fell

spiraling into a massive swoon.

"In!" the one guard said.

He

did not push me. Neither guard did.

with me, watching.

I

They stood

my mouth

breathed through

and held

there

it.

I

bit

down on my molars. And I walked in. made

I

by

sixteen

—

five and a half feet,

men

sixteen

and

in that space,

a space ten feet

to the ceiling eight feet or

an inch or so

higher. will tell

I

exactly

—

you what Cell 39 was

maybe somewhat

feet,

like

— and

this is

what

it

was

the space ten by five and a half, and to the ceiling eight higher.

There was a window opposite the

had seen no windows. Over this I window there were boards and no light came through, and you only knew there was a window there because later on they told you. On

door, although from outside

either side of the space there

men

sat

gray

—

— and they

sat in the position.

that

It

came from

it

never went constant.

of the door there

approximately

was the big

in half. It

that

—

the

ceiling

went over

it,

ofT.

It

always burned, the

pot, the cauldron, an oil

It

had a

lid,

sat

in

it

drum

cut

the Parasha, a disk of

and as spectacular

worse with the

— Namordnik — You

the

hells

and

iron,

a slot, the feeder. In front

as the smell

always was, the gas that boiled up from the Parasha,

thousand

the

was the Parasha, the pot where the steam-

ing mess from us was collected.

wood

was concrete, dark

gray

The door was

was a peephole and, lower down,

there

floor

the door, very high up, just under the ceiling, a bulb,

twenty-five watts.

little light

The

also dark

the walls were concrete,

same. Over

maybe

were three benches, and on these the

it

from

it

was a

lid off.

in the position

—behind

the muzzle.

the boarding that covers the

The muzzle

window.

No

looking

COMING OUT OF THE out,

no looking

in

ICE

— and

116

no

except from the bulb over the

light

door that always burned.

The metal door behind me slammed

my

trying to get

eyes used to the

my

was ready and banged

and then

light,

knees into

closed.

down

on the

seemed fuzzy, a thing with growth.

lid. It

stood there,

moved before

I

— and

I

was the pot

steel. It

almost went

across

I

I

my hand snatched my hand

but pushed myself back up,

it,

I

me as if to shake something off. The men on one side reached out their hands and led me along, passing me along to a place on their shelf. I was lucky. It was the

behind

place at the end of their bench, a place as far from the Parasha as

you could

get.

sat there

I

where they placed me, where they gave me a

men

these figures of

had been when

that

that lined three sides, all seated

door was hauled abruptly open,

backs

their knees, their

from the well of

itself

same

terrible faces staring, all turned in the

them wide,

staring, every

my

man's hands on

me

as

I

brain struggling to

opened before

falling that

as they

hands on

their

turned toward

rigid, their faces all

stood there with the guards in the doorway,

check

now

place,

all

it,

those

direction, the eyes in

back

his knees, his

like

wood, mouth open, breathing.

was

It

the position that they sat in

now, the

sitting

their faces all

and staring

—

steel

still

all

turned there, their eyes

save the one

bench on the other There were

— and

that's

door closed, no one there

man who

all

lay

to

fixed

how

look

they were

at

now, yet

on that one spot,

on the floor under the

side.

and the sixteenth man was

fifteen of us seated,

under there, on the other

side, curled

into himself and, like the

them, he was facing the door, his eyes fastened, as theirs

rest of

were, on that peephole high in the door.

We

sat

on removable boards placed on benches on each

how you sat, and this put your of the man that sat across from

That's

knees

those

you.

I

sat as I sat, leaning

myself back to reach

it.

It

was incredible

as

I

sat

far

and inches from the

and studied the man

was

that

all

—

I

had

that the rest of

on the bench so

to

one even turned.

I

said,

push

them

sat

forward on the

wall.

I

just

sat

curled into himself under

the bench on the other side.

"What's wrong with him?"

side.

than an inch from

back against the wall

that other way, at the very edge

boards, their backs rigid

less

and no one answered

— no

—

—

VICTOR HERMAN "Is he sick?"

117

said.

I

Just that staring

"He

— and no

looks sick to me,"

reply.

you sick?"

said. "Mister, are

I

said.

I

There was nothing, no answer, no motion from any of them except on the other side, on the end, the end near the door, a man darted his finger to his

moved

else in there

and

He

lips.

heard

I

To

his finger pointing.

was none of

It

was a motion

It

movement,

little

and

to.

that held

them

that way,

propped up and then nailed

You

did not get

men

to

to

needed no convincing.

I

assumed the position

men

to

wooden

like

like that

was

It

— and,

and kept

tion to the peephole

was simply

It

do

them

at

it,

a

all,

what force

cutouts,

dolls

like

where they were.

sit

I

never forget,

will

I

looked around

I

considered what could have gotten

I

was

he did

since nothing

his finger pressing at his lips

understand.

to

question of whether you wanted

it

—

the peephole.

difficult

it

startling

attention leaped to his signaling finger

like a shout.

it

so jarring was that

and then

— my

me when

did not turn to

But the movement he made was so

this.

it

without good reason.

the instruction

all

them,

like

there.

I

would need.

I

my

directed

atten-

was how the day was

It

passed. It

was how

I

began that one year by testing myself, doing

done everything before it

—

it,

as

were passed for one year.

the days

it

—

were launched upon some competition.

if I

more

that way, stare like that,

sit

it,

He I

a fellow

could not

sat. I sat as

I

would

utterly than did

There, across from me, under the shelf not do

this as

who had succumbed He fell.

there

of

all

try to

anyone

was one

had

I

the sports, the flying, the jumping,

do

else.

that could

to the press of competition.

sit. if

would make

the sitting

no one had ever done

it

all

the difference, as

better, that no one ever would.

position, staring, thinking insanely that at the

end of

I

if

sat in the

this the

award

would be given, the winner named. But there was no end to just this

—

The key I

— and no winner named. There was you was one reward, — and

the sitting, the staring

the absence of

use, as

it

something

—

— and

all

it

that absence

got

was no beating. It had a further

comic key the guard had used? would find. It could do more than open that

through the leather loop that held the key, the it

do more than

just

open the door.

a door. His

fist

guard could make

COMING OUT OF THE I

Started the

tion as

gone

118

year like that, drawing myself into the posi-

someone had

if

like that, sitting

That

had

I

—

They were

me

in

behind the muzzle

how

is

"Ready? Set? Go!" and a gun had

called,

and every muscle

off,

the idea

first

ICE

started. It

I

the idea to

all

tensed and then exploded, and

in the position,

made

do

it

a beginning.

I

ran.

It

got

me

through,

very, very well.

shorn, these other men, the hair on them clipped

ragged against their fleshless skulls and faces

you could see a patch of nakedness on

—and elsewhere where

their bodies, the hair

was

haphazard, away from the skin. They were old men, all of them old by my youthful standard, save one that was about thirty. At twenty-two, I was the youngest by far. Then why had they favored me with one of the two de-

cut, the job

sirable places, the

have been the

two places

veterans, the old hands sees

my

what he

farthest

making

really faces.

it

Perhaps

may among

from the pot? But

sometimes expresses

self-sacrifice that

it

itself

newcomer until he would be made to give

easier for the in

time

I

place up.

The

man on

old

the pot without help.

him there

to go. Heart,

my

a look in

lungs

it.

drag him to

it

and hold

above the Parasha

was

if it

his

direction

—who

The

and a

brief tap

knew? Sick was

on the

all

sick

—and

a

to

me,

man's chest. Or

that mattered

The heat was enormous

in

bowels that had

one of the men who held him once signaled

weren't they all? least of

too sick to use

sick, all right,

Two men would

he had to pass water, or on their arms raise him

if

sort of seated affair

maybe

was

the floor

— and

the heat

why

was the

smell, the boards, the position, the light, the air a

pumped a fetid scoop of life back into your many times you began to count them a minute. You heard the steel door bang shut and the little click the huge key reversing the tumblers made. You heard that and you seventeenth organ that

—

—

chest so

heard a judgment, as absolute as a blade parting your body from

your head. The scream began with

you

just heard, that little click

mind's one speech to the heart: It

was a sentence

your brain

—

/

Nasterov out

when he

am

—

that,

with the

little

click that

and the thing that followed /

am

it

—

the

up

to

here.

that drove the gorge in

you

flashing

here.

was the name of the man on the

floor. I

found

That was generally how you found out

—how

that

died.

—

— VICTOR HERMAN

_I19

to know the name of a person. Somehow you only found name when the person that had it died. Someone told you.

you got a

It

a

was the only headstone anyone got

man who knew Twice

been

it

man who

to a

thought to look

I

sitting in

—your name moved from

did not.

my watch

at

—

how

to see

remarkable posture, back

this

long

how

long

been doing

I'd

close to the dinner hour

on the peephole.

fixed

that?

And how was

tween the two times that

my

watch, that

anymore.

I

did not look. it,

I

could.

How first

was

of us, every mother's son,

And it

day the

human

is

I

kept

my

eyes

besides, there

know

did not

time and the second, be-

had that thought, the thought

check

to

day

first

knows

the hardest

wisdom

—

as

if

is

Every blessed one

the hardest.

a simple thing like that.

my

in

The

head

were the most dumbfounding wis-

The

of the ages

intelligence, the very

it

my

at all?

kept repeating this sentence over and over

I

I

had completely forgotten there was nothing on

I

Yes, of course, the

dom,

I

between the

anymore, not anything there

wrist

first

was. But

wrist that

it

— once

and a second time to see how

it

they could do

If

was no watch on my

it

I'd

hands on

straight,

knees, head turned, feet off the floor, eyes where they were to see

out

day

first

is

the hardest

key to the universe, rolled

in

—

as

if all

resplend-

ent evidence across the highway of those six words.

heard something! Outside. Not the organic meaty mutterings

I

of

men

and

just breathing

farts

back

there

was a

or out,

in

snufl^ing

collective stirring as

others, raise

my eyebrows

motion back

to

stirring, it's

But

I

.

.

and

stifling

but something else it

came.

coughs and squeezing

— metal

moving? And

wanted

to look at the

I

to suggest a question.

me, some gesture, some signal

—

Someone could

the metal and the

.

would not do

it.

I

would not look away from

the peep-

hole.

ing?

Was I winning this Was anyone keeping The metal and

metal being dragged

fantastic competition?

Was anyone

notic-

score?

the stirring got closer, and that

— but on something

was

it,

it

was

soft.

The padded walkway! There had been padding out there on there been? Perhaps

I

had only imagined

it.

that

walkway! Or had

Padding

in a jail?

But who could remember anything from so long ago.

COMING OLT OF THE

How How

ICE

120

long?

long had

been here

I

like this?

Was anyone keeping score? And now there was a real feeder

looked and when

1

Had

noise

— moving— and something

they looked

saw

I

Was

first?

man

the

looked

I

1

saw

was

it

my

end on

passed

down and

it

—

the

in?

man

side, the

door, put out his hand to the feeder and pull back a

He

the slot

everyone was looking.

that

one to give

the last

I

at the

— and

getting sho\ed inside.

next to the

wooden bowl.

pulled back another, and then

passing to this side and then to that side, and the

first

another,

one came to

me!

Of

Of

course!

course!

mv

This was proof of the

first

The

first

dux

had. and

spoons were put through the feeder one

and each of these was passed around among us

time,

I

the hardest.

is

Now wooden

wooden bowl

winning. This

was my reward!

to get one. this

at

a

same

the

in

sequence as the bowls.

And bowls

slammed

then the feeder

And

actly as before.

shut

— and

I

saw

the others,

spoons inside them, resume the position, ex-

their laps,

in

man under

even the

the bench opposite, the

man on

the floor, he too had his head craned at this crazy angle,

his eyes

on the peephole,

body

his

all

curled into

itself,

exactly as

before. All right, then

Very

well, then!

prove

who

just

was the 1

*

it

We

was

this

their

game! The

would show them again

I

was

*

in

here that could

them

to outlast

test

— once

was not over?

more

I

would

last the longest, just

who

all!

waited.

had bowls and spoons. Surely

And when? And then was metal on

was

there

always came with

it

—

—

first

day

is

meant food. But what?

— and

the stirring that

sound but loud enough, and clearly I

had not imagined

it.

it

Wasn't there

carpet out there?

do not know how long

The

that

that dragging again

a soft

carpet. Surely

must have been I

if

too resumed the position.

And

there

—

it

was.

the hardest.

But then the feeder opened and when

it

did your bowl

was

VICTOR HERMAN

man

passed to the

down your was

^121

beside you, the

and

side

while

in a

man

closer to the door.

came back

it

and

to you,

in

It

went

it

there

a dry sphere of porridge.

How

big? Smaller than a baseball.

About

the size of a golf

and waited for more. For

at least

bread? For water?

ball.

You

ate

But

that

And

it

was

you got never

the size of the sphere

did not get any at

And

all.

you

varied. Unless

all.

and bowls went back again and then out the

the spoons

feeder in the door.

And

the

The

first

day

No!

It is

the

is

the position again

night that

became so customary

When

for

is

me

man had

bowl

his

— and —

there with them, that

from last

men

was

—

a thing

almost forgot

how some

see

of

mon-

time, at each of the

of the year

the muzzle and

I

sat

in the

to see that

—

my

little

ball of cereal.

to see the others all

I

looked up

waiting for the

still

man's bowl to come. I

did not

do

it

again.

But the fraternity

would

it

be the rule

in 39,

in

conditions of the camps.

human

it

was not

what was It

to

the rule in prison

come

was exceptional,

—

I

in

later discovered, these

gestures that were the practice in Cell 39. Because here

camps, men would tear

at

smear of some food were It is

of men,

— nor

the vastly harder

shoved their backs against their hunger and waited, but there,

a

it.

man

them, no

in

staggering, this

months

them behind

sat with

I

39

died.

had already swallowed

my bowl

It

was the same every

it

I

in

their passion for the awful ball

for all the days of all the

position as these

meal

first

— and you could

of paste that squatted in their bowls. strous politesse

I

that

that in this telling

them were trembling, so great was

three feedings

with them.

I

the hardest!

saw

I

came back with something

the bowls

ate until every

— and

the hardest.

first

was extraordinary, what

It

that

men took up

lips

with their teeth

it is

When

like this,

the

first

some

night came,

I

—

like that.

night that

if

so

much

as

on them.

the thing never to exhaust your wondering

some

But

your still

men

in the

is

the hardest.

found out

who

the Elder was.

the behavior

COMING OUT OF THE It

that

was the

made

all

the others

in

man was

He

—

—what few

—

him some

was he

it

would keep us secure

rules that

pounded

— and

to get in. silent consent.

was,

It

a

in

among men. He was the man whose presence seemed

a natural recognition

—or he was

sort of

was, the day that

next to the door

that there be an Elder

appointed Elder by

39 the longest

to vest in

122

that always

word, understood

man

39

rule in

from the disorder

A

ICE

— and

the

unquestioned moral authority. entered here, a

I

man who

elected to

sit

therefore closest to the pot, and thus in one

of the two least favorable places.

So much for

this

He

man's moral authority.

possessed

it

—

in

the extreme.

The Elder was Sergeyvsky tures, the

priest, a

And when

know. first

son of a

there

man

—

man, dark

a tall

dark fea-

hair,

high up, a cardinal, a bishop,

I

don't

he died, there was another, another Elder. But

was Sergeyvsky, and he was the only man

heard talk

I

bathhouse when we were taken to get

until that first time in the

our hair clipped, our clothing scorched, and our bodies showered. It

happened

that

first

night

meal, the ball of porridge,

door stood and moved

is

—

all

night?

I

to the pot.

It

was

know. The

after the time of the

man

tall

next to the

Such a movement made you jump.

Nobody moved for hours and hours, and when a man moved, it made you jump. The tall man stood and stepped to the pot. I kept my eyes on the peephole.

do

would

it,

it

I

did not want to see

him do

If

it.

did not watch

I

not follow that he would not watch

holding your bladder and your bowels because

hold back what was pushing

in

you than

to

me?

it

him

was awful,

It

seemed

easier to

go near that thing and

drop your pants. Would you have to look inside? Would it be possible to do it without seeing inside? And the smell that would touch

you

if

smell, feel

it,

you were

that close to

and never come a growth

—

I

off.

its

source!

The fuzzy

would coat you,

It

texture of the

lid, I

that

could

still

could imagine something brown and mossy

taking root on the palm of

my

right

hand.

I

rubbed

it

against the

knee of my trousers while the tall man stood there, so tall you saw his head and not the peephole. He raised the lid and held it to the side

and dropped

his pants to the floor, his feet planted

on our

side of the pot, knees bent slightly, in something of a squat.

not want to see

— not

his eyes certainly, but they

of vision to the peephole.

were

in

I

my

did line

VICTOR HERMAN

He

171

and he looked

raised his finger to his lips

he spoke, a whisper only, but

He made

very great.

his

me

— and then

volume of

groaning sounds as he whispered, as

straining to pass his stool

groaned to hide

in that silence the

at

— but could — and

see

I

whispering

this

is

it

was not

what he

seemed

it

if

he were he

that, that

said.

"You can see the rules. You will see more. Break a rule and no man in here eats. For three days, no food for us you, the lest, all of us. You they beat with the key. The rest of us, no food, three days and three days the same for you. You understand?"

—

—

nodded

I

my

head.

"Do you have news? From

my

shook

I

He

pulled his trousers

returned the

outside? Anything?"

head.

up and knotted them

Nothing had come out of him. hadn't.

at the waist.

He

the pot.

lid to

Would you

1

did not look but

hear a splash?

not

Some wet

I

knew

it

or smacking

sound?

Not one other man

in all that

rose from his place to use the pot. it

was

— and

You anything

and

it

in less

held

like that.

helped you

Shame? left

in

night,

you

I

after

The

first

day and

was impossible! But

night

first

that

is

how

knew why.

you, whatever there was. Not from shame or

You

held

in

it

you because

that

is all

there was,

feel filled up.

In a place like 39?

you were

there were.

than a week

in

it

time that

It

No, there was no prospect of shame

one day and one the only

rest

were

man like

night. After

in that place,

your

fingers

and

one day and one

no matter how many toes, parts of a gross

organism that occupied a certain cube of space. There was no one there but you.

Oh, but the pot was used lose the smell of

it.

It is in

you

stared into for one whole year.

—enough

that

your skin

forever, the stink

will

never

you breathed and

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

124

TWENTYSIX I

never knew the second Elder's name.

not die

in time.

Sergeyvsky did

man

to

man

until

it

—dying

came

The second Elder known,

lasted until

be another that must

will

it

Not even when they man's name they

You

The Then

his

name passed from

then was passed to

called

my set

leaving

it

this

page.

— and

name

his

is

you out from 39 did you hear the

and never forgot

it

if

into the record.

called. Instead they called a letter

learned

— and you knew

it.

would open and a voice would

feeder

"Get ready!"

call in,

the letter: "G, get ready!"

And

you were "G" and you did not

if

you and they had the

in to

the benches, but it

have

in time to

me and

to

the only headstone that he has.

It is

yours.

was an exception. He did

It

— use

it

get ready, they

Only one guard could

did not take two of them to do

on you,

the key

key.

his

fist

One

it.

came

between

fit

could do

around the leather thong and the key

coming down on you from whatever distance he could

get in that

space. It

was

war hammer,

like a

So you didn't forget your

know what

was.

it

had anything

more

name But

to

I

first letter

ready!"

I

to

—

a thing like a letter

mattered any-

like that

matching up with your

a thing like a name, not even that mattered after a time.

of it?

in

my name It

my

case, the letter

Russian. But

in

matched

— "G"

who knows

was "G," and when they

called

it

if

that

and

for the is

why

said,

"Get

How

long

did.

How

long had

since the feeding?

That the

it.

did not matter whether the letter they gave you

was "G." And

they chose

did not want to get

do with your name. Nothing

after a time

— even

It

letter

You

once they gave you reason

that key.

light

it

been since the

What

never went

ing to night and then

ball of porridge?

time had that been? of!

and that we

And was

sat like this

on through the night back

to

it

possible?

— from morn-

morning?

— VICTOR HERMAN The

night

first

wanted

I

always the hardest.

is

But

to use the pot.

near that thing

— not

Had

ing already?

^125

would not do

I

Perhaps by morning.

yet.

come and

night

.

it.

.

.

would not go

I

But was

it

morn-

gone, and was this the start of

the second day?

was

It

and waited.

the position

I sat in

as

windows were

a thousand

if

of brilliant glass splintering!

through

my

man

onto the

I fell

me

brain brought

was a

It

shattering

bell

— and

in a leap off the

men

my

But

too, or tried to.

laughed a

and then

little,

by

it

I

for us

My

And the rest.

the floor,

coming up

— and

here

in

back, it

was

I

I

as

rose

think

I

mouth.

For three days, no food

eats.

You

they beat with the key.

would not work.

How

long had

I

been

sitting like this?

Three? then

got myself standing

I

There was no room

man on

and what about the

we were

my

sent

how many hours

the rest, all of us.

legs

Two days?

and

all rising,

would not carry me up.

legs

quickly shut

Break a rule and no man

—you,

rising after

stages, slowly

it

me

across from me, and he pushed

a thing to see, these fifteen

They did

thick sheets

benches.

but on a signal from the Elder the others were

they'd been.

—

the crack

standing

—because

— and

move, with

to

the floor? in

seconds

But

hands held to

his

all

mouth

You can see the no man in here eats. Even

one way, as

all it

just stood there like

men

the

standing

was only seconds

those

all

one man up against another, on

the door, their heads

I

their

men were

sides and

their feet the same,

that

lying

still

on

facing

and each man's

in prayer.

if

You

rules.

more. Break a rule and

will see

man, he too was stretched across the floor with body forced out from the curve it wanted to go

the sick

the rest of them, his in, his

hands up there by

Did

titioners of I

got

his

mouth.

men pray? Is this why they were religion in a Communist state? down as they were my head where

all

these

—

weight resting on the same side,

my

to

got

mouth.

down

If

my

I

theirs were,

man and

last

— but

I

my

my

hands

the wall, and

I

did not pray.

sleep like this?

had

they could

prison? Prac-

face toward the door,

squeezed between the

there on the concrete floor

Could If I

I

in

sat like that

—

could

I

not

— then do

it

could

also?

I

not also sleep like this?

COMING OUT OF THE They change I

slept.

It

ICE

126

was something you knew without seeing

in the breathing that

jammed

the

—

the

air.

lay there.

—

am here, I told myself still disbelieving. am in this place, locked in here, and I am lying like this, squeezed between a man and a wall, and against him there is /

/

squeezed another, and another after him

—and

But

I

could not. There came the rain of

ing since the

little

questions that

fell

them and then

of

surer than the

sciousness I

—and

they are all sleeping

I will sleep too.

all

click in the door.

on me

— and

It

that

all

had been build-

was a deluge, the torrent of

the guessed-at answers

I

gave each

retracted and then replaced with others, one

first,

a

downpour

that long

first

me on

that held

no

the point of con-

night,

did not sleep.

Sleep? Surely they would any minute discover their mistake and call

me

out of here. Say, "Our profoundest apologies. Citizen Herman,

we only moments ago were informed

that

you are none other than

the Lindbergh of Russia!"

Call

me

out and say,

"A thousand

pardons, Mr. Herman, no

one told us you were an American and the President of the United States just called us to so advise us

— and we

can't explain

it,

but

really, old fellow, this

has been the most wretched mistake. Surely

you and your President

will find

Call

you must

me

please,

we beg

of yet another Victor

and a all,

it

in

your hearts

you, excuse us.

Herman,

a traitor, a spy, a looter, a rapist,

thief of the vilest condition. But, alas,

the

filth

to forgive us."

my good young man, You are the very likeness

out and say, "Dearest fellow,

and so luckily for us

was only moments ago apprehended and confessed

himself there on the spot, completely freeing you from any suspicion of crime. Here, dear fellow, have a bit of tea and let

us

make an immediate effort to put this May we call a car? Our driver is waiting."

all

to rest.

Say

please

to

me, "Ah, Vickie, beloved, good son

wanted to teach you a

little

lesson.

You must

some cake, and grievous matter

—your

father only

never, never again

touch a gun. Fly a plane. Eat an apple when you are falling from the sky.

Not

write your sister Becky.

Outrun your brother Leo. Forget for Miriam.

Not do

to bring a

Not chew your food or

eat

it

as

little

your mother asks. something special

so fast or speak

when

VICTOR HERMAN

___127

do anything ever and forever again when your papa and your mama tell you no. Promise? Swear it! Say, 'I swear.' I want you to be a man, so swear!" you are not spoken

And worse

—

that

is

to or

how my head worked until it worked itself into me from one side, the hard slab of

sleep heaving against

reality, a wall,

How

slammed

long will

against the other.

be here?

I

These other men, what crimes have they committed?

They

are guilty, and will they therefore not try to

make me

guilty too?

How How

long have they been here?

Dare

I

My

long will get

be here?

I

up now and go

hands. Should

I

to the pot?

pray?

When they call me to question me, what will the questions be? When will they call me to question me? If I tell them I am innocent, will they answer that I am guilty? What could

I

be guilty of?

Will they not question

Should

How

me?

pray?

I

long will

I

be here?

what

In the morning,

will the

food be?

Eggs? Will they be scrambled? Fried?

My

hand! The one that touched the

lid!

Dare

I

have

it

near

my mouth? Which hand touched Touched what? Should /

am

How

I

it?

pray?

here!

long will

Should

I

I

be here?

pray?

Pray to what?

But

if

prayer cannot help me, what can?

Should

The after, is

I

first

your

pray?

night

is

the hardest

—and each one, each

first.

In the course of the night the Elder to turn

them

night there-

— and each one would

get

would wake

all

the

men,

up and reverse himself,

all

COMING OUT OF THE heads

now

at this

end,

ICE

128

where the heads had been, from one

all feet

your hands both

side to the other, faces toward the door,

Four times

that

in view.

—

waked them and turned them but it to wake me. come from Ironwood Street to this? How from there first

night he

was never necessary, not once,

How to

my

had

I

place on this floor?

Ironwood

Street to Spets

How

The answer was easy. Here is how you do it you and when he moves, you

—

—

my

does one go from 6094

in a life

Korpus, Cell 39?

where your father stands

just stand

follow.

father then, and

him

But

I

there

is

in

when

the Elder turned the others, sleep an art

loved

me

and

forgotten,

He went I

to love.

in

heart

I

loved

my

and, like a loving son,

would do

a father to

my

on that

lay

I

know

it

even now.

It is

I

—and no one It is

still

first I

—with

all

that

night, turning

had somehow

father.

followed. is

— and one must be

it.

friends here in Detroit.

here, they

love

floor that

what a son

Svetlana and Janna sleep here

mine

I

turns

is

now

—

in

beds given them by

daughters sleep in the

them

in the night.

— and Galina, my —and one must

would follow

what loving

My

And

if I

room next

to

should go from

wife, she will follow too.

love to

know

it.

PART 2__ FROM CELL 39 TO THE CELL THAT HAD NO NUMBER

—

TWENTY-SEVEN You

did not

know

the bell could

changed

— and

was morning

it

you mark the

how

rang the

— long— and men — and

it?

take for the body to forget the

it

Not very

All that night the Elder turned the

them, sleepless until the morning

and not long

used his

the

it

after the fourth time a

in view!"'

door open, the guard

he found the one he wanted, a

until

and then

less

turned with

I

turned them four times

guard came

key, whipping the thing with remarkable

— and heard — saw men

He

bell.

39

in Cell

time than that.

that night,

Only by

bell.

for the light never

intervals of time

long does

pulses that are natural to

until they

man

force.

I

saw

enter, stepping

four

and

in

it

all

on the

down from me

heard the guard announce the infraction: ''Both hands

I

and heard the

first

blow

hit.

Iron on flesh makes a terrible sound. I

my

shut

eyes and then

I

opened them.

saw

I

looking into that mirror during the surgery on

—

it

my

was

all. It

liver

—

it

like

was

know what it was, this thing that sometimes happens between men, what one man will do to another. Yet all the men were fed that morning despite the rule the Elder said was so. The bell rang and everyone took his place again, even the old man on the floor, going back to his curl under the something

I

had

to see

to

—

shelf opposite,

and everyone took up the position again, and

followed suit just like them

What would

all.

be? Eggs? Scrambled? Fried?

it

howled for anything save

that porridge

made me ravenous, hungry

in a

I

while

sat in the position I

wondered

if

I

I

way

— and,

I'd

— and

My

stomach

the long night

had

never quite been before.

like the rest,

I

waited. But after a

was the only one waiting. Could

it

be that

no food would come? Several times

I

had

to

check myself from leaning forward and

COMING OUT OF THE making some

ICE

132

motion

sort of

to the

brows and make feeding motions

my

belly

and smile. Or maybe

to

raise

—

Elder I could raise my eyemy mouth. Or I could just rub my eyebrows and rub my belly,

perhaps that would be better. Or better

motions I

went

— wouldn't

to the pot?

that

be the

That was allowed.

chewing motions. But

I

could make chewing

What if make

could go to the pot and

I

would not go

I

still,

least infraction of the rule?

No,

to that pot.

that

would

me near that thing. Was it possible to use it without looking inside? I thought about how I would go about using the pot when I could resist it no

take a time yet, to get

longer.

ment

I

kept trying to figure out some sort of eye and hand move-

that

would keep me from problem

to think about, this

That's what

to.

I

needed

the worst of

—something

food and when they would

it.

It

— something worth me

call

to

was a good thing

giving

about

to think

me what

tell

some study

—other

than

the charges were

or that the charges had been dismissed or that a mistake had been

made to

me

or to ask

me

tell

that

I

was going

was an American stant or to ask

questions that

citizen

me why

and that

I

I

wanted

the answers to or

me

tell

them

that

I

to be released this in-

had eaten an apple while

falling

from

say to that?

need something to think about

I

the kinds of things that

know

wouldn't

to be shot or to hear

I

and what would

the sky

I

I

—

so

I

wouldn't think about

was thinking about

— and

above

all

I

needed not to think about food.

But how exactly does one do and hunger that

had it.

I

sat in the position.

I

studied the problem of

go

to

And

if

to that pot that's

heard

padding?

it.

And

accompany

ing.

that his

waited.

I

to

is all

1

How

and

body

how the

lift

that

I

it

would do

lid that

Again. That same

it is

hunger and hunger

feels?

what the top had on

there

when

it,

it

when

I

had

to

do

it,

had a kind of furriness on

what was on the other side?

soft noise, the dragging, metal

on

was, the general stirring out there that seemed

the dragging.

long ago had

that

It

was what had preceded the

been exactly? The

last

last feed-

feeding

— had

I

missed a day?

that

made me panic known

I

had

I

could have perhaps missed a day and not

to get possession of myself.

dizzy just thinking that

This would never do.

I

—and had

I

had

to get

It

to think it.

I

got

to get better control of myself.

something inside

my

belly,

some-

— VICTOR HERMAN thing

scrambled

like

maybe and some bread and

eggs

and a good glass of milk

make

iii

.

—because

if

butter

kept on this way, I'd never

I

it.

sat there.

I

not to think.

I tried I

could sense something restive

not look to

some

sense

make sort of

—but

I

dared

were not moving, but

I

could

unexpressed motion

men

other

in the

sure. Surely they

them, a kind of general

in

urging forward.

The

How would

was

noise outside! That

course, and they

knew

long would

be? But

it

first

or dishes this time to get utensils

—

—

so

be

it

— time

—

better than

I,

of

food!

— and when came, what would be bowls eggs — and then we'd have must be up — time out eggs and

coming

in

it

of course there

the

sent in

of course, dishes for

it

would

take time.

all

take time for the thing to get set the rest

They knew

it!

was coming

it

to handle each

patient.

I

to dish

It

will

the

man's serving and how he'd

like his

coffee or tea fixed or whether he'd like milk instead.

The dragging was was learning

fast

at the

door now

— and perhaps

remembering when you needed

in

used to anything

getting hit

easy

— and

at first.

and that

Hadn't

in time.

And what

And

think of

really required

— and jumping out

all

I

to feel good.

gotten used to

I

what couldn't

I

times more than I'd

do?

I

If

who even

feeder moved!

the sequence

was

I

was ready.

could get

Sam coming home I

gotten used to

been so

that hadn't

airplane, for instance

And I

amount

going on a ship for the

done that?

could learn to keep

If I

first

had done

my mouth

all

shut and

Why, I'd probably hear a thousand ever even known existed! And hadn't I been

sitting in the position all

the

I'd get the first dish!

I

trick!

morning and not even noticed

didn't even feel like leaning

The

— and

some doing. Flying an

and never miss a

easy to do, and

had

A man

of one. Hadn't that taken a tremendous

time and not getting seasick. Hadn't that,

tell.

the other things I'd gotten used to

of getting used to? Just imagine!

to listen

could

I

time you found yourself hardly

about boxing? Hadn't

Of course

hitting?

much

that

to talk to get things understood or

needed to stand up or walk around bloody and torn?

—

my back

thought of

And same

against the wall,

it

it

once?

was

I

that

it?

they were pushing something through! as

it

had been

at the last feeding,

then

COMING OUT OF THE I

ICE

134

looked and saw the Elder pulling through a bowl.

All right.

was ready.

I

It

was passed down to me

It

had water

Of

in

it.

— and

it

wasn't empty.

Hot water.

course!

For bathing. For washing your hands. Washing your face? I watched the others. I knew the rules. No man does anything

man

until every I

watched

is

ready, and then everyone does

But when every man had drinking the hot salty water it

it

together.

what they would do.

to see

his water, they

— and

when

began drinking

saw them do

I

it

did

I

it,

too.

That was breakfast

—

second day

the

— and

breakfast

for

a

year of days thereafter.

And you

lunch was another bowl

wooden spoon. And only flavored in some way,

also got a

—

water

and there were always a few

—only

this

with this

wooden bowl

time the bowl held more hot

a fishy smell or a grassy smell

bits of leaves in

it

— and you were

glad

there were.

Supper the same

And

—

the ball of dry porridge.

those were your meals

—

all

three

— and you never

got any

other food.

One

year!

In the morning, the feeding was "tea"

—

the

bowl of hot

salty

water.

The second

feeding was "soup"

—

time, and always a few bits of leaves

the hot water flavored this

on the

top,

and these you

were glad to chew.

The

And it

It

it, it

—

I

want

Will a

man

Many

won't

it

what

I

and

I

love

— and when even even now —

I

can taste

— and many

saw.

it

and,

it.

get used to anything?

die. It is

little ball.

a bit of soggy black bread, very sour

loved that bread.

I

that

you never knew when

item, but

was very good.

got so

memory,

— never more than

would be a fourth

there

would come

you got

in

third feeding, the cereal

die.

Some

When

it

will.

gets

bad enough, most

— VICTOR HERMAN

^135

—very bread — something day was —

But the bread was good always find something

know how it,

they

something

And

made

in

—

heavy and sour

a bit of twig or

came out

that

what a

— and

some bark.

I

you'd don't

but those things were always in

that

like that,

this is

it

of a forest.

the position, the three feedings,

and then the position on the

A

floor.

day was

this

— and

nothing

more.

And

the light

was always the same.

But there were four exceptions

days that you lived

in the

and these are what they were.

Every ten days there was the bathhouse. Every ten davs two men could leave the ing to

empty

cell

they were will-

if

and scrub the Parasha.

You

could get up and use the pot when you wanted.

The

fourth exception

And

these had two

was

names

the beatings.

— '"punishment" and

"interrogation."

—

was the third day night. The door was opened sometimes during

It

middle of the

the

night. \\

ho

will

be beaten?

Whose hands

are not both in view?

But on a word from the guard and a sixteen of us were made to

rise

— and

signal

from the Elder, the

the old sick

man

did

it

too.

we went down

the They marched us out of there and in single file padded walkway but Nesterov fell before we got to the stairs, and two of us had to drag him. He was happy to be dragged. You could tell. Wherever we were going, he wanted to go. So we dragged him.

—

It

never occurred to

me

to think he

had a choice, anyway. By now

I

had learned that much. There were no choices.

We

were marched down the

and came out into the prison yard in that

open area

— and you could

stairs

and through several doors

— and they walked see

area that there were lights on in the

us to a corner

when you came tiers

of barred

out into that

windows

all

around you and lots of noise commg from those windows and even men hanging their arms out and calling through the bars. It was a hot night.

humanity the

It

in

was July

— and

it

was

a shock

—

that

all

noise and

motion and the sense you had of a kind of ribaldry

in

air. It

was monstrous,

the contrast

between what

I

had

just

come

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

136

from and the carnival atmosphere out there

knew from

and the two times

been along the walkway,

I'd

women

dreds of men, and possibly

Korpus,

yard that

we

Spets

in

sat,

it

in the prison

different for the rest of the pris-

oners, for the thousands of

men and women housed.

We

as

sat

must have,

in the aggregate,

I

back there hun-

was hearing and seeing out there

I

was immeasurably

life

too,

that

behind the muzzle. Whereas

in the position, in silence,

was clear from what

in the prison yard.

from the gross quiet of the place

the stillness behind me,

the other six buildings

stood outside a wooden structure squeezed into a corner of

the yard, a ramshackle affair dwarfed by the massive red brick

buildings rising

two guards

39,

—but for?

I

around

was no

there

Why

morning.

all

We

it.

of! to the side telling.

were we waiting there?

even passed through

my mind

question a group of

men

make any

try to

The door

to the

all at

wooden

followed the Elder inside.

powerful

—

or at least

stant light of 39.

human

it

and the

could that be?

seemed

me

to

who gave

my

my

us the

file

off,

it

was the guard

I

took

If this

his things

side

I

saw

off

my

it

that rack, a

to strip everything off.

all

men do

the rest of the

my

tennis shoes, and

trousers all

It

through the door

to get prison clothing, that

would be good

would be good

The

man came

these

When

and pulled the rack back out that door with him.

meant we were going

right with me.

clothes too.

on

that

he hung them on a rack that was

put where the others had placed their clothing.

on the other

we

was so

eyes, the light

purple T-shirt and unknotted

and, like the rest of them,

certainly

could you

powerful after the bleak con-

command

other end of the room, and

everyone had

it

sort

filth.

at the

I

How

— and

some

room we were in was alive with It made you want to vomit, the

the Elder got his clothes

got out of

to

floor of the

in

I

about

structure opened, and in single

came

the same.

all

the

in

waiting

sense? Is craziness a logic too?

had to shut

When

things

was

this

watched the Elder for instructions, but with us

time

once? Did that make any sense? But

hair from wall to wall.

thickness of I

The

it

I

that

make

of this

was about three

we might be going

how

of group interrogation. But

why

it

And what were we

had no way of knowing what

still

of Cell

tried to calculate the

I

figured

I

men

stood in a group, the

eyeing us.

rags they

to

to get into

have the

rest of the

wore were wretched

had not been there to overwhelm

would probably have been almost

it,

men

—and

the smell

as bad.

was

something clean in if

39

all

— and

in

clean

the Parasha

from the other men

VICTOR HERMAN

^137

"Line up!" the guard with us called, and when we had gotten

man came

ourselves in order, a

gone out

He

of.

end of the

line

through the door the rack had

in

carried a large pair of clippers, and he went to the

and he began.

maximum

His method was designed to give him ning with one side of the head of the

and then, man's

down one

under

face,

from one

side, cutting the hair

arm on

his

that side, across his groin, leg, to the chest,

speed. Begin-

man, he cut the hair

there,

going without being raised from the man's

his clipper

body, he went

first

down over

that side, then

down over one

side of the

his chest

on

and then up the other

leg

under the other arm, to the

face, then

back up to

the other side of the man's head and then onto the next man, re-

peating the same procedure, and in this

manner

all

added the hair from our bodies to the sea of hair floor, a

sixteen of us

that

matted the

mess of human growth of every texture and shade pressed

by the men who walked there into something of a carpet.

And

like a nightmare's idea

you looked, you could see things crawling

if

in

it,

their nesting places disturbed.

We

still

stood in

line, all of

us smaller-looking now,

revealed to an extreme beyond nakedness, the a white-hot poker that probed stinging places

all

you and poked you

over you too

—from where

you or from where the barber had and had yanked the hair

Two

of us

in the July heat ing.

On

had

You

up the whole

that's

march forward, we

how

each

cell

it

had cut

it

all

shiver-

dragged him with us into

through the other door, and

worked,

and even

time,

man was

another group leaving just as we entered the place

found out

You had

over.

out.

got to

Korpus run through

of us

with the dull work

that light overhead, the old

the order to

the bathhouse.

all

the clipper

lost patience

to hold Nesterov

and

all

overhead

terrific light

I

could see

— and

in

time

I

the political prisoners in Spets

the hair-cutting

and the showering

at night,

every ten days.

In the bathhouse Nesterov just got

down on

found a place under one of the spouts and his characteristic curl, his legs

just lay

drawn up and

his

the floor.

down

He

there in

elbows wedged

in

against his stomach.

and you stood under one of them waiting for the water to come. The guard left you and closed the door behind him, and you stood there waiting, and when

There were spouts

the streams of water

set into the ceiling,

came they were

bolt of ice or a scalding flame.

either

one way or the other, a

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

138

There were about twenty spouts sticking out from the

and under them the men were leaden

what the water was

how

like or

ceiling,

movements, no matter

in their

suddenly changed from one im-

it

They stood under the slamming water and rubbed themselves, and even Nesterov was making little rubbing movements, one leg against the other and the same way possible temperature to another.

with his arms

—

an

like

insect.

me opening my mouth

"No," the Elder said when he saw catch the water from the spout it

was

But

was under. "Don't," he

hear someone's voice, a

startling to

had heard Sergeyvsky before

I

and whispered the

Did the

man

to

and

said,

other than a guard.

—when he had stood

at the

pot

rules.

anymore? Could you speak

rules not hold

here, here

bathhouse?

in the

"The water

not safe," he said, and

is

nearly jumped at the sound of since

I

I

my own

I

and

said, "All right,"

voice.

How

long had

it

I

been

had heard myself speak?

"We

can talk here?"

I

said.

—

The Elder nodded but held his finger to his lips. "Then why aren't the rest of them talking?" I said. "What is there to talk about?" the Elder said. I

looked

"You I

belong

at the

man. Was he serious?

"You

are the flyer," he said.

nodded

my

in here.

They made

head

yes. "I

am

are Victor

Herman."

an American,"

a mistake.

What

are

I

said. "I don't

you doing

in

here

and the rest?"

"My Those two

father

is

in the

there, they are

Twenty-five years for

church," the Elder said, "so

there, also twenty-five years

—

"Are you crazy?"

little

— and

while ago

he

said.

"You

They

are wreckers I

an American. I

one over

that

And

those

drove across

when

I

said.

Herman

—and

it

men

just a

got here!"

those men, they are

that bridge and they blew

it

up

a year ago.

is twenty-five years. The know about you, Victor Herman." "How do you know anything about me?"

and their sentence

know about I

am

—because

those two were here

are a spy, Victor

others

"How?"

a spy. bridge.

raised his finger to his lips again. "Softly, please,"

engineers and they built

don't

am

"you are a spy?"

blow up the Gorky bridge

The Elder

I

Gorky

another spy. You, Victor Herman,"

said. "I

I

the

of

that, for

the Elder said, winking at me,

didn't

—they blew up them — and each

wreckers

—

but

I

VICTOR HERMAN

I39

know your name, yes? But of course everybody in Gorky knows your name and what you look like. You are the Lindbergh of Russia, Victor Herman a famous man and a spy." "I

—

But then Sergeyvsky laughed, very too

—but

I

"How

softly,

and

I

laugh

tried to

couldn't.

old are you, Victor

self again, the

water steaming

"Twenty-three,"

The Elder

me

silence left

Herman?" he

off

said,

now rubbing him-

him.

said.

I

said nothing in reply

— and

and then

his question

his

had been pronounced.

feeling a kind of sentence

was ominous, what he had asked and

silence

his

when

It

had

I

answered. "Is there soap?" settled

on me. But

asked, to throw off the feeling that had

I

knew

I

there wasn't any soap, and the Elder did

not bother to reply.

Soap? What a question!

The water was

shut

and the guard came back

off,

in,

and

this

time he was accompanied by the other guard who'd been with us

when

they'd

yard.

We

marched us out and then down the

went

into another shed, going out a

one we'd entered by, and as we stood inside

wheeled back

was going not

know why

men went If

and our clothing was on

in

They stood

for his clothing.

to

do

it,

and across the

that place the rack

and

was

I

was

But none of the men

it.

— and

there, waiting

one of the guards shouted, "Dress!" and

until

the water

stairs

door across from the

I

all

did the

did loo.

hot,

it

you got when you got back

was nothing compared into

to the scorch

your things. But you did

it,

no

matter how hot they were, and though the rubber on your tennis

shoes had been baked sticky and was flame to the touch, you got into them,

you got

and we had

to help

into everything that

him

to

do

it,

was yours, Nesterov

too,

and he screamed as the clothes

went on him. This was the work of Zharo Kamera, the toaster

— meant

to kill

the lice and the crabs and the vermin that flourished on our bodies

and

in the things that

our

cell

and

floor

Not them

got the

had been on them, and

same kind of treatment

in

I

eventually learned that

our absence, the walls

and boards dowsed with carbolic acid from top

to bottom.

that this ever got the smell of vomit off the boards or ridded

of the stains of blood that gave

them

all

the pattern of maps.

COMLNG OUT OF THE

ICE

140

As for the tiny parasites that fed on the sixteen men that were the human population of 39, by morning they were among us again and thriving. The hardiness of these creatures is nothing less than wondrous, and

it is

no

verminous

life

that will all find a

somewhere on where they

remarkable the great number and variety of

the flesh of

these things

all

you

little

something

them

to satisfy

one man. You would sometimes wonder

came from

came from nowhere

had given as

less

—and

it

sometimes seemed that

else but inside you, that

it

birth to the tiny cannibal horde that fed

was you who

on you openly

sat helplessly in the position.

We

were marched back

another group waiting

at the

in the

door

same fashion we had come,

to the barber's shed as

back through the yard, and probably a

third

we

started

group inside that shed

and a fourth under the spouts now.

Even before

door was locked on us again, most of the

the

others seemed already asleep in their positions on the floor.

hear Nesterov groaning a

little

from

could

I

his position next to Sergeyvsky,

but then he was quiet and only snored, the distinctive wheezing

sound that

told

my

you

it

was him.

The other two, I'd lain sleepless until the morning bell, still tormented, when it rang, by all the questions that had come welling up in me during the long, terrifying nights. Nothing I wanted to know had been answered, and it was gradually being disclosed to me that maybe nothing ever would. was

It

third night in 39.

slept that third night. I slept the little time

I

remaining be-

tween our return from the bathhouse and the crack of the morning

—

know I slept because the man and then turn me the one time left

bell. I

to

and

it

was the

first

—

time

I

waked

next to I

me had

wake me

to

was waked a second

time,

to the bell, a sustained shrilling,

a sound gone mad.

The it

your ear

was

bell

renewed

just a short burst.

itself inside

your head.

in three distinct stages,

hammer

blow with

a

opened

the

all

was turned and

—

But for minutes and minutes

was

to

like a nail

— your brain — and

was used

introduced into

each accomplished by a smart

one, two, three

way through the claw

It

until

a shaft

to grip the nail

had been

then the

hammer

and draw

it

out.

— VICTOR HERMAN

^141

.

TWENTYEIGHT I

had been

about what you learn to hear.

right

becomes a thousand of

that in the long silence the ear that

you could hear the dragging a long way

was

the kettle

And you

were

off

could hear the stirring of men,

men

far

away, moving, the beatings far

they lasted and to what extent they

cruel.

you

then

heard

the

tapping

— from

cadence always, and so you reasoned that

moving through the walls but

thing

that

it

it

sometimes

what

seemed close by or sometimes seemed a long way

off,

a kind of

was not some random had a purpose, that

it

in fact a code.

But

did not get a chance to ask about

I

in the bathhouse, it

it

cereal.

— and you could hear

— and knew how long

And

was

kind, so

its

now and knew

coming with your water or your soup or your

urged forward by expectation

away too

proved true

It

and when

I

did, that

it

until the

second time

what the Elder

is

said, that

was a code.

"Do you know how it works?" "No," Sergeyvsky said. "I only know it is called the tap language. But it is useless to us we have nothing to tap with. Every spoon is counted. What else is there? In any case, we do not know "Do you know

it?" I said.

—

what

it

means."

"We

could tap with this."

my

about as big as

"How

"There,"

"How

I

"It

is

"From over

there in the corner."

tap with soap?" he said. "Soap

melt anymore.

if

showing him a piece of soap

get that?" the Elder said.

said.

"This piece?"

and

said,

thumb.

you

did

I

I

said.

It's like

"Not

this piece.

stone. That's

no use," the Elder

said.

is

too soft."

This piece

is

too hard to

why it was over there." "You do not know the code

they caught you with the soap or heard you tapping,

it

would

be no food for any of us and maybe shooting for you. Besides, there is

nothing to say," he said.

"There does

—he

is

talks

always something to say,"

— he

finds

something

I

to say,

said. "That's

what a man

no matter what."

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

142

The Elder turned away from me as he had done that time when I had answered "twenty-three" and he had just

before

—

smiled very slightly and gone back to rubbing

at all.

I

put the soap between

that

I

got

and

in the

it

back to the

morning

holding

between

it

that

buttocks, and

out and put

it

my I

it

It

By

kept

I

week

the fourth day

I

that

I

I

went

soap to someone

who

replaced him,

could not.

I

But what good was the soap

in the fifth

arm.

spent in 39,

I

from me, only he had the

it

died, the Elder

you knew the code,

until

you could understand the tap language and use was

fashion

that night,

was only when

to pass off the piece of

he too would hold the soap when

It

all

my

under

the year

to the bathhouse.

had

—and when he

it

in this

buttocks when, every ten days, the night

But only Sergeyvsky would take

courage to do

was

it

kept the soap there

manner throughout

we were taken

to interrogation that

my

cell. I

took

I

the soap in just this

else.

himself

hot water, and then the water had gone abruptly cold, but

in the

he had not reacted

came

listlessly at

began

was resigned

to

it

to figure

—

it

until

speak back? out.

at least insofar as I

gave

up thinking about some sort of immediate release. I believed release would presently come, but I gave up expecting it to happen the very next hour, or the one after that. The hours became days and the days became

nights,

to the reclining position,

weeks

— and

and you went from the

you knew what your

life

trial

left

— and when

the barber

—none was — with

sleep.

called out for questioning or for

I left

I left

the rest of them, for the trip to

the incessant light sometimes

you had been imagining

long, long day.

You moved

it

not

from the position on the bench every ten days,

when you went

one other time you got

The

due course

and the bathhouse and then back again, and the weeks

became months, think

39

in

was, the feedings and the

two positions and, for some of the time, blessed

No man

sitting position

and the days and nights were

to

all

and that

at all,

making you

all this

except

to the position

crazily

time was one

when you changed on the

to the bathhouse.

floor, and,

No, there was

move.

pot.

You had

to

be blind with pain to do

it

the

first

time, to get

up

with the thundering in your bladder and your bowels suddenly uncontainable, to get yourself over there bent in the crouch the pres-

HERMAN

VICTOR

__143

sure forced you into, and to reach out your hand and take off that lid.

But

did

I

that

it

time and held that

first

my

toward the door, and with

and

let

them

fall,

hand

right

and when they wouldn't go

them down. You had

You

because you could not touch the rim.

It It

my

enough,

far

trousers

pushed

I

to use a sort of half-squat to get over the pot

touch you, but you would not anyway the metal

away from me

lid

unknotted

I

was ragged and could

did not want to

—because your

rip snags in

let

it

was sharp and

it

skin.

wasn't so bad, having to do that in front of the other men.

was the same

saw you

—

and

for them,

wasn't so bad

it

you when you were

there, unseeing, really. Like tion, the others

— and no one

really

on the peephole, staring

for their eyes stayed fastened

sitting in the posi-

And

were asleep behind their eyes.

if

you kept your

you and had very good control, you remembered not to because you did not want to see into the pot. down look And after the first time, it was easier like all the enormities wits about

—

It

—

—

made up your life in 39 after the first time they were happened. The feeling began to drain out of you.

that

Like them, you lived as

somewhere

like

them,

go of your mind and

let

had not been for

it

let

it

the hours of sitting,

all

the tap language, the bits of

feeding times that you heard

it

that

it

—

listened to catch a length of

to hold for later study.

was easy

It

it

could.

I

drift to a region

strained to hear

I

was mainly near

It

the feeders themselves

when

at first

slight bustle of meals.

were being opened and then during the

— and do —

to

this

would memorize

I

there

was nothing

to crowd the cadence of the tapping out of your mind.

phrase or two, and it

and over

it

in

it

was easy

to hold

search of the key.

something relatively easy

to be

—because

you

to the side of you.

Every day, through

I

if

to the sphere of thought,

you back

the tap language to snatch

would have,

dead. Until

if

all easier.

that

was something

listening to an adventure

How

— and I

it

I

in

your head

difficult

could wasn't

had learned back

program on the

radio,

and

it

be?

It

had

Morse code

in Detroit I

else

heard a

— and go over

knew

it

You

knew

it

from

wasn't

that. I

had nothing but time

How

ironic that

what

to figure I

it

decoded

out,

that very

to be a message about the tap language

message repeated

all

day

— and

tapping ten days isolator.

But what was an "isolator"?

it

and

said:

in

time

first

itself.

It

I

did.

time turned out

was the same

101 tapping. Punishment

COMING OUT OF THE I

what

it

ICE

144

didn't

know. Whatever

was

did not know.

I

But now

And

knew

I

was,

it

the tap language!

And

tapped back Understand.

I

would be bad. But exactly

it

was wonderful

it

do

to

it

—

—

that you could hear to know that in this way you could talk someone say something and say something back in return. It was, decodI think, what saved me from insanity that year in Cell 39

ing and encoding tap messages

my mind

—

—

so that

awful thoughts that came in the night.

and

was how

It

the world to

me

you think

As

is

moved myself

I

—and

alive, the part that

—

else inside

was a way

It

to escape myself

extend myself beyond the dread volume of space

to

habited.

that

had something

I

except the two positions and the three feedings and the

is

in the

in-

I

out into the world and brought

doing of

this

mind, the part that

I

is

kept a part of myself

you

voice, the part of

irreducible but which can be made to disappear.

for the tap language,

it

worked

accord with the alphabet

in

the Russian alphabet containing thirty-six letters, but the six least

used ones are discarded, leaving

form

A

six

pause.

Hence,

groups of

thirty.

The

five letters each.

The second

Of

these thirty letters,

first

tap, tap, tap

tap

—pause

tap gives the group.

tap gives the letter's place in that group.

—followed —pause—means second group group. Tap, —pause— group Tap— pause of letters

tap, tap

by

you

tap, tap,

the third letter in that

of letters.

fourth

letter

first

in

that group.

But

On

was nowhere so cumbersome

it

it

sounds

set

out here.

you executed a message with conyou decoded those whose tapping you was a good system you could cover a lot of ground and when you had nothing else a pretty good clip

the contrary, after a time

siderable speed, just listened for.

with to

as

it

do

and all

It

at

day,

as

— —

was easy

it

to pick

up

to get very fast with

skill,

it,

both the encoding and the decoding.

And

that

was the

first

Punishment tapping ten days

And came

I

decoded

101

—

I

took a long time before everyone understood.

the improvement

tapping.

and then, when the message knew better, and answered 39. Understand. month later the tap language was improved

the next time,

it

I

isolator.

had answered Understand

But about a and

message

—

the message

would come, and

It

at the

was

—and

if

you

did,

it

them you would

the tapper would add a fast burst of taps, exactly five of

and that meant Did you understand?

this,

end of

— VICTOR HERMAN

145

do the same thing back, a burst of five fast taps. But if you didn't, you would rub whatever you were using to tap with, you'd rub it back and forth across the wall, also repeat the message

if

five

times,

and then he'd

he could.

Punishment tapping ten days

isolator.

I

was never caught tapping. But

I

had

found out what the isolator

I

was.

go there

to

to find out.

would have been worse had

It

I

been caught tapping

cause then the others would have suffered too.

mostly did not want it.

It

was

me

to tap. It wasn't for

had

as the Elder

said.

So

far as they

I

them

knew that

I

—be-

that they

was doing

were concerned, what

They had no interest in it one way or the other and if it happened that I was caught, then they too would pay and they knew it. was there

to say?

Among the

first

the fifteen

the messages that

asked me,

—and

men who

shared 39 with me,

Elder and then the second

I

came

would

tell

to

me were

them. But

it

who had any

—and

it

was only

in the bathhouse,

was not a

what

interest in if

they

great interest of theirs

the messages were chiefly not worth passing along.

20. 85.

21

.

21

.

Man called out. Man yesterday shot. Man beaten. Man sick.

74. Interrogator

named

Resnick.

99. Is Resnick bad? 74. Yes.

58. Light went out.

108. Elder says stop. 28. 39.

Man Man

called out. died. Nesterov.

38. Understood. 38.

Man

died. Nesterov.

37. Understood. 37.

Man died.

Nesterov.

30. Understood.

And

it

passed from matter? But

was thus

that a

cell to cell. it

A

message of no great importance was

man was

dead. His

name? What

went, that name, melodically, from

did

it

cell to cell, as

if

COMING OUT OF THE in

ICE

146

there reposed a most excellent music, Nesterov, until

it

tappers in Spets Korpus, and anyone they chose to

You felt

at all

— and

month or

after a

so at

tapped you thought you heard your voice doing

you used against the

wall.

It

it

every time you

it,

and not the piece

was the same way with what

any they were —they were not men speaking— and you could hear every nuance

you heard of

knew.

tell,

got better and better at the tap language, until you hardly

handicapped

of soap

the

all

taps

longer,

the voices

in their speech,

every hint of character that distinguished one speaker from an-

And

other.

got so that you did not need to hear a message

it

pleted, because

you knew what

you

tried very

that

came

You

soap.

end

—because

that

in reply to the burst of five

would threaten

hard to understand

tried very

to say

same thing about you. And

the

hard never to scrape a no

at the

was going

the tapper in 38

knew

before he finished, and he

com-

— and

to in

at all difficult to do, sitting in the position, risking

wear out your time

it

wasn't

one hand behind

you, reaching back there to the wall. Ten days in the isolator.

And

my

right

what was the

arm toward

isolator?

So the danger was But in time

everyone

I

in Spets

up a

I

—and

I

to the isolator, anyway.

went

to interrogation.

corner

I

little it

was worth,

were how you learned certain

the bathhouse

learned, for example, that the toilet for our floor

at

the end of the walkway on our

was

side, that the toilet

right after 39. It

It

bench,

Korpus knew.

to

trips

—how

in the

came

my

away from the peephole. was never caught.

before that, Nesterov died, and for the

The things

end of

sat at the

I

way

less that

went

But before that

And

But

the far wall, toward the wall

was a good place

lot

was the

drag a

to be, Cell

of messages from safest place to

cell's

while one

men

do

Parasha to the

it

—

toilet

man was washing

39

—because you could

pick

that did their tapping in the toilet. to tap.

It

always took two

and two men

the pot, the other

dump it man could

to

men

to

out, but tap, the

tapping not so noticeable because of the washing and the water. So I

learned that Cell 39 was a good place to get messages

we were probably

You went

getting the bulk of

always found out a

to get

your hair cut

off

little

them on our

— and

that

floor.

something new every time you

and your body dowsed and the vermin

— VICTOR HERMAN

147

baked out of your clothing. But

bad

you had

that

was always bad coming back

it

come back

to

at

all

— and

worse because the

stench of the Parasha had to be gotten used to

because you had to watch out

until the

over again and

all

puddles of carbolic acid

dried up.

And

it

was

fit

bad going out

also

days and ten nights

between the bodies of by

half

The

eight.

and

another's,

we

air

made

men

it,

in

in

the

and the gas from

it,

and what he belched went

was

that

his stinking crotch,

after ten

that could

in

it

into

it,

and from under

too,

to

his bowels,

and from the carbolic

and his

acid, all

contribution, and also the vomit and the blood and

its

— and

—

a space ten by five and a

the filthy things that crawled everywhere, and this

breathed

air

little air

went from one man's lungs

lived with

his skin,

what the Parasha gave arms and from

those

always had him

it

and the sweat from

of this

all

open

into the

you inhabited,

in the air

if

you

didn't,

you

So

died.

was

the air

when they

that

—

called

you you

it

was

at first

not so bad so long as you were on the walkway and

still

inside.

in the

middle of the night, and you went out there

But when you got outside and

into the night

air,

it

was

as

if

whiskey

work on you, and you got dizzy and nearly passed out. And like whiskey or dope, it made you actually sick, and it was madness actually sick to your stomach that night air or dope was doing

its

—

—

—because you You were

started gasping for the foul gas you'd been living in.

like a thing

from underground

that

had

—

could make you so

That's what Cell 39 could do to you

used to what

gave

was

summer

In

something

though

it

I

that life outside

there

just

it

seemed

was always a mist on

remembered,

that

was caused naturally enough

it

it

to breathe grit.

electrified

the walls of 39.

It

is

mist.

A

—by

the moisture our bodies

curious thing, even

benches. is

what you would expect, the

But the mist was with us

until

was back again ing to see

suppose

it,

in late April.

that wet

it's

the

that

radiator

—

heat

months went from autumn

summer and none when

I

fatal.

and the heat that came from the radiator under one of the

off

It

and

I

September,

know

late in

gave

it

me

in

the

to winter.

September, and

it

a very strange feel-

haze that lay all along the dark gray walls.

same

feeling

you

get in a steambath or in a

steamy bathroom when the hot vapor condenses on the cool tiles and the mirror. Everyone's seen that and I think most of us have

—

felt

what

I

am

talking about.

COMING OUT OF THE

if

you are

floating, as

if

had that feeling

I

148

just a strange feeling.

It's

as

ICE

radiator shut

and

off,

cannot describe

I

it.

It

your body has become vaporous

almost

is

too.

autumn came and

in Cell 39. Until the

the

got very, ver)' cold.

it

TWENTYNINE A

Nesterov died after the bathhouse.

—

too

in the first case,

man

second the

in the

month

later

Sergeyvsky died

death came from some kind of choking, and

over and there was blood running out

just fell

of his ears.

was onto the

It

of the pot that the Elder

lid

from

the position and the blood of

wood and

forward from

then spilled into the Parasha below.

tapped

I

fell

streamed along the disc

his ears

And

out.

it

perhaps the message went from

cell to

cell.

Mavbe

it

was what

my mother had

—

a stroke, a bleeding in

the brain.

But between the time that Nesterov died and the time geyvskv followed him to the grave.

They

called

me

out

—

was

I

that Ser-

called.

for interrogation.

"G!" came the shout from the guard through the

feeder.

"Get ready!" must have been about midnight

It

second

men

what happened

ordinar\-

to

got

I

It

was rage

eagerness

— and

—

as

I

it

was anger

up and stepped between the

to feel incredibly

I

would

confronted

my

I

all

that

And

it

is

extra-

quite suddenly changed in-

over

—but

it

was not from

was going through me, and

stood there waiting for the door to jerk open,

say, the

captors.

— — and

renewed

could scarcely contain myself

things

how

me,

could feel mvself trembling

side.

fear.

I

I

lying there and positioned myself at the door.

began

after the

bell.

got up and went to the door.

I

—about two hours

I

began

to rehearse all the

would explode with when I finally arms and legs were actually buzzing

wrath

My

I

an energy waiting to get loose.

I

— VICTOR HERMAN

^149

with the fever that was building in me.

was "Get could with

feel

it

my

in

The shout through

my

on

face, the skin

face

— and

door didn't open is

no other way

stood there

just

thrown back with

And

restored to the

man

way out

the

I

when

do

I

—

it

was

I

waited and

I

should

call out,

finally

opened,

it.

door was

the

took a hard look

I

all

still

powerful abrupt movement that seemed

that

me now,

routine to

forward and then

— and

didn't

I

in

to say

thought that maybe

I

ready! I'm ready!" But

the feeder

me terrific. I and my neck warm

was, the heat

1

stood there burning up with rage.

I

"Herman I

what

that's

actually itching. There's

it,

seeihino. the

and

ready!"'

guard and stepped

at the

of Cell 39, feeling myself utterly

had been the day

I

had entered

that small hell

behind me. I

stood on the padding

walkway and waited with

the

in

rising

indignation while the guard heaved the door closed and worked his

gargantuan key

in

"What time

"No

it.

it?"

is

asked.

I

me and

noise!" he wheeled on

the key back and forth

m\

in

shrieked

and then flipped

it

"Head down,

face.

prisoner

— hands

behind back, no noise!" did as

I

me

I

was

told

and when

along the walkwav, and

"Down." he even though great!

took the

1

my arms were

stairs fast,

behind me.

thought about crazv things

I

head was down, he pushed

moved ahead with him

I

and

said,

my

— about

boys and their cousins, about taking on

and

I

thought about that

me now! But men and boys stared, how amazed

to

I

was

I

to

My

that

squat and coming over little

— angry

Army man

and

Goldmann

four of them at once

*

how

.

it

in

the small

long ago that

— how

those

all

put five in a row dead center,

I

— and

pumping

legs

great

taking on the

all

kept thinking about

have done a thing

mander or whatever

felt

time shooting, there

first

stadium behind the American Village.

seemed

I

following.

my

like that,

how

and then the com-

was, his getting up out of his

that night, in the eating hall,

and the

dark green box.

And in his

then

I

thought of

mv

father, his

hand, standing there by his place and looking up

man, and looking small and inconsiderable about

wooden spoon gripped

how

and shame

I'd

felt

shame then

— and how

I'd

— such

to

me

at the

— and

I

other

thought

a queer confusion of pride

even thought for an instant that maybe

shouldn't take the medal, that

if

I

did not take the medal,

it

I

might

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

150

some way enlarge my father, make it okay that he was standing wooden spoon in one hand and his other hand sort of reaching for the table, not really knowing what to do with either in

there with a

man

hand, and half-turned to the

Why

was

that in

my

couldn't get that picture of

they looked standing there,

were other things

when

I'd see

about

to think

uniform and half-turned to me.

And I couldn't get rid of it, my dad and the other man, the way I couldn't get it out of my head. There

got there, what

I

in

head now?

I

—what

I

was walking toward, what

was going

to say.

What was

I

going

to say? And maybe I wasn't going to be seeing anybody to say something to. Maybe they were just taking me outside for something. Maybe they were and the thought went through me like .

.

.

They are going

a pile driver:

to shoot

me!

"Where are we going?" I said, and I turned when I said it to make sure he heard me and he just smiled in reply, and I could see how he had dog teeth and one of them was rotted.

—

We were tions,

I

on the

floor

first

now, and since he gave

kept to the same route that

me

—and then

— whatever

I

it is, it

like the it,

and

the guard

"Up!" he I

hands

got in still

He

would be

said

let

me

when

I

— and when The

first

the one that led

go.

made

He

didn't stop

don't go outside

me

and

here,

I

started heading

toward

go.

was within ten

feet of the van.

was struggling

I

me

There was another guard attention to us.

I'd

to,

me

better to stay inside!

behind me, the guard shoved

pulled up after

let

direc-

yard now, and there was a van there, just

in the

one that had brought

still

He

what a mistake

realized

But we were

was used

I

out into the yard and the bathhouse.

me no

— and

I

in there,

to

make

me from

Were

my

could hear him breathing hard. but he seemed to be paying no

guard turned me, he turned

locker door that was open.

up with

it

behind.

all

me

to the only

the others occupied?

people already in there? "In!" he said, and when he said

Were it,

the

other guard was right behind him and together they pushed

me

down and

in.

They pushed me so that my face was rammed against the metal in front of me and away from the vents in the locker door. I was and one of my arms was taking stuck like that. I couldn't move too

much

was the

of

first

my

— —and

weight. But then the van bounced

guard jumping

—and immediately

off

—

I

guessed

it

the rear doors banged closed

the van pulled ahead

— and

the motion tilted

me

— VICTOR HERMAN way

in a

on

strain

that

move

could

1

my

.151

and even though

locker,

a

better and at least relieve the

little

arm. But there was no reversing

knew

1

had

I

my

enough,

air

position in the it

made me un-

easy to be turned away from the vents.

—

on interpreting the features of the drive and feeling for hints and it wasn't hard to do because

tried to concentrate

I

listening

—

everything matched another

time

was

it

going backwards, and we were going

all

up

instead of

hill

it

— and

knew

I

me

door opened and they got

was going

they would

make

NKVD

from

there!

man

mess

would be

We

stopped. But

to

from

directly

it

there,

that their jurisdiction,

hour

at this

make amends, would you

walked through the

aisle

did not open.

take

out.

I

opened

— and

it

was

closing again. There

each of these

exits

then

in,

lockers had been

an hour

was an

nose and

was very

was going

1

then

it

last

van doors opening and then

to

have to wait.

man

out

followed that

back into a slump to lips

between

— and

I'd

If

I

was the

if all

sixteen

have to wait over

wait.

My

arm

hurt again and

were flush against the back wall of the locker.

It

cold.

But there was motion door move and

felt

right

behind

me and

then

heard the

I

myself being pulled back by the shoulders.

backed out and stood I

the van

while, another locker

little

interval of about five minutes

would be the

filled,

And

as he

quickly multiplied five times thirteen

I

long

thing, the

down

to get out.

settled

I

I

fall

toward the rear of the van.

same

— and

how

to get an idea of

man

the

heard another locker

I

could hear him

doors opened and then they closed. In a

back,

that

receive your apology?

my door

and a man getting

rattling

my

Was

had been made? But why

that

courtyard

in the

out in the middle of the night and stuff him into a locker to

him where he would

last

me

and release

Gorky? Was

in

you wanted

if

it

Street.

to receive an apology?

their excuses

Why,

of the night? a

it

headquarters

this business, this

get

Was

down the steep when we stopped and the

that

out,

behind the building on Vorobevka I

—

of things remembered, only this

set

tried to rotate

in the aisle,

my

and, with

my arms

behind

shoulders to loosen the stiffness

in

I

my my

neck.

"Head down, hands behind back, no talking." It was a new guard. I followed him to the rear of the van, and when the doors did that, flew open, I jumped down. I was pleased with the way I

COMING OUT OF THE pleased that

ment.

my

ICE

152

and that

legs held

I

go over onto the pave-

didn't

could see the cobblestones, but not the building, not where

I

we were

going.

me and

could see a guard's boots ahead of

I

see the cobblestones, and

I

could

followed the backs of his boots. But

I

I

know. These were the same

didn't have to see the white building to

cobblestones,

—and —and I

I

floor

first

went

all

the

I

We

followed him

me

time the guard in front of

toward the other end, but

it

paused

each doorway on the

at

right side, a

pause of several seconds for each doorway. At

were

end of the hallway on the third

flight of

always that pause

one and stayed

wooden

stencil

and

stairs,

it

my

raised

I

on the door

—

we came

side, until

to

head a

There was a white-

little.

gave the numerals 178.

it

heard an unbelievable scream.

I

heard anything

woman makes

like

It

it.

It

was the

time

first

I

had

was the kind of scream you imagine a was a scream

in childbirth. It

like that,

not hysterical,

but more a stupendous howl of exquisite agony with

relief

mixed

it.

I

looked up. The guard waited.

I

said,

that scream had come from. woman? It was that kind of scream a perfectly human sound. In fact, I rememwas the most human sound I had ever heard

— man or —beyond gender—but what

I

mean

a

it

ber thinking that

it

that

is

it

a

seemed

thing at the very bottom of what

can say about It

—

to suggest a declaration of it

feels like to

some-

be human. That's

all

that sound.

was remarkable.

heard anything

women

it

"Head down."

where

tried to decide

I

What had made

I

this floor,

waited.

I

into

we

last

and again we

was the same on

each door on the right

at

floor,

there.

stood waiting.

I

washed

all

climbed these to the third floor and again came

out into a hallway and started along

climbed a

to the

flight of

end of that hallway on the second floor to another

to the

at the

of

field

way

and then we climbed a

and came out into a hallway, and

flight of stairs.

this

in front of

my

elbow was taken by the

We

followed him inside.

end of a corridor on the stairs

my

heard "178," and then

new guard wooden the way

The guard

getting to a doorway.

"Stop!" Another guard's boots came into

said,

vision

we were

could see

I

me

like

it

It

was

since.

truly unbelievable,

Even though

in states of appalling torment, I

I

came

and

I

have never

to see

was never again

men and

to hear any-

— VICTOR HERMAN thing like this it

—

_153

that

one transfigured scream

—and on

either side of

silence, a perfect silence.

No,

must correct

I

There was a time when

that.

something even worse. But

it

woman.

— and

came out

It

of the sort different

I

am

— and

of a girl

trying to

many

or a

solitary perfection

was worse and

It

heard

I

man

out of a

was not a

it

you about.

tell

there were

come

did not

it

was

of them, those sounds that girl

made. They went on for a long time.

The door in front of me opened, and I heard the guard say, "Prisoner Herman." And then: "Do you need me?" The voice that answered was not like the other voices I had been hearing.

It

wasn't loud and

had nothing brusque

it

in

it.

It

was

a high voice, very pinched, very like the voice of an adolescent boy

— or as

if

man

the throat

forward

it

was

the rushing ing,

said,

entered that

I

in her

—

sometimes have

will

was a voice

it

like stepping

it's

I

made

good mouthful

getting a

air,

those three or four steps

all

it

the

up, and jumping, going

them and the not ready for sky, but

you

big he was.

— heavy

in the chest

the

room,

hairless,

tell

I

had already

from the big.

size of

But

I

was

about the height of Sergeyv-

and a very wide

brown woolen his

waist,

and very

of!,

trousers of his uniform, and they

boots and the material was pulled

and even though

were rolled up past

like, his

arms, as

if

it

was cold

his elbows. His

and the skin was white, the meat

what they looked

go and go

and shoulders.

His jacket was

his sleeves

could

I

He was

thighs,

were tucked into the tops of tight.

— and

let

deadfall.

went into them that he was

legs that

how

broad

He wore very

way down,

the air itself that

it's

looked up when the door closed behind me.

seen the highly polished boots

meaty

and then push-

inside me,

me

the air itself that embraces you, and

limp and careen through I

damp,

onto a wing and taking a mouthful of

pushing myself out from what held

it,

she has a

"No," and the guard pushed me forward

room and when

out there into whatever would catch me, and

does

if

like that, hoarse,

needed clearing, a breathy, wet contralto.

The voice and

woman

the kind of voice a

great deal of

in

in the

arms were

them dense. That's

they had a kind of ponderous

weight.

He striding

turned away from

me

before

I

could see his face.

now, walking to the desk that stood

opposite. There

was

a

window behind

He was

in front of the wall

the desk, and a chair.

And

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

154

there were chairs on either side of the desk, Hke the chairs I'd seen

back

in schools

on

either side of his

seen

in the principal's

in Detroit. In fact the chairs

desk were exactly the same kind of chairs office at

Cass Technical High

the very

same kind of

— and

I'd

certain teachers

had them

He went to the window and looked out. It was dark What was he looking at? Then he turned and took up a position behind his arms supporting problem seeing

The

his weight as his face

was strong

light

was

it

he hunched forward on

from where

room

in the

see his lips weren't right. that

—and from where

When you

gether,

was

I

on

yanked

light

But when he pushed himself erect and

lip.

stepped around and into the light that came from overhead,

was otherwise very ordinary.

see that his face that wasn't at red.

He

— and

it

He had

me up and down. He seemed bulk.

and

I I

I

weight

when

What way

I

of knowing.

and longer keep

did

my

if I

—

a

little

tails to

could only

I

sight of a kind of catalog I

of everyday accounting a

list

of

trained

I

little

how and

my I'd

suppose we

had on

all

— and

to

some-

again.

it

I'd lost

But

I

39?

my

all

weeks

I

had no

by the longer

waistband that

there in those

—what

do

diet of Cell

was suddenly aware of

Somewhere back

tried

I

under 135.

how much

two ends of

the

trousers up.

tell

had actually forgotten what

July 20th.

feel,

over or a

weigh after the meager I

solid.

gotten on the scales at Spartak.

I'd last

got finished in the afternoon I'd

I

was always the same

as

when

looking

my size, his total man was more like six-three

used to weigh myself there every morning

times

me, his face without

just stood there

guessed his weight was well over 200,

my

could

two, three times

stand about five-eight. This

recollect

I

just the lip

was pleated was very

it

just studied

arms folded, and he

his

was

It

glistened in the light.

had not spoken. He

still

expression.

and the place where

all right,

looked raw

It

to-

from the

whole face looked disorganized

his desk, his

because of that lower

could

I

a razor had sliced straight

the ends of the separated flesh had been

that sat

was no

the skin sort of scram-

off,

if

one over the other, and then sewn up. In the

lamp

little

chair, his It

it.

got a better look, you could see

one that was

really the lower

out there.

stood just inside the door.

I

bled and puffed out and lopsided, as

down and

too,

chair.

I

knotted to

clothes.

It

was

these weeks since I'd

begun

to lose

keep on ourselves, a kind

you wear, what you

eat,

how you

what, a whole array of routine things that

— VICTOR HERMAN more or

you're

.155

not mindful of during the course of a day and

less

yet they constitute the index to that day.

wore what Td been arrested

I

my

loopholes of

was open

fly

—

trousers and

in

—

no laces

the buttons there

except

my

in

had been cut

my

hide myself by overlapping the ends of

had no

I

belt in the

And my

tennis shoes. off

—and

pants

could only

I

when

tied the

I

knot to keep them up. he did not speak.

And

— who

silent longer?

Still

test

again

now

straight!

began

I

began

I

— and although a clever one.

It

think

to

was not

I

would leap us ahead

was going

to say, "1

about me!"

I

was going

to say that

while longer to give

more, to make sure sure

—

voice

—

I

it

it

could get

out, the

man

said, "I

am

a half smile,

It is

up, to

that

same curious

was instead

And when you

it.

it

that the

heard

to the

man

like that.

and

amazed

at

it

resulted in something hideous, because

in his face.

in certain situations.

what you say

is

— because — too

said,

in

evening.

had

all

been

Comrade Belov."

stood there waiting.

turned slightly, one just a

it

right

advance.

"Good

I

that's the

exactly right

one were reading from a chart where

as though

Later

the things you've been getting ready to

not that you don't say the right things

worked out

And

you saw

what comes out of you. You say something

do with

point. In a kind of way,

was

instant

me

attitude that underlay It

a

open with. But

or say something

astonishing what one will say

is

that has nothing to

It

—

was

me

in

an

for just

to

told lies

it

see his lower lip wouldn't stretch enough, and his effort

on, you're

I

had

be

had

Belov." Just that one statement, and then he

to smile aggravated the distortion It

was holding

It

Not the

that

I

perhaps suggest to him that he cough out the phlegm that

it,

you could

say.

spoke.

to clear your throat

was making him sound

made

man

a notably unpleasant voice.

He

should

thought

wasn't something that would trip

it

it

I

know who's

to I

was precisely the best statement

you wanted

about

it,

,

things

set

statement

further consideration

voice did not go with the it,

— and

thought.

I

whatever exchange was

in

demand

was not what was so unpleasant.

that

then

a con-

is

it

chance to

entirely satisfied with

I

before

And

Now is my what my first

coming up.

make

to think, well,

time to speak up!

the

is

can keep

way and then

When

he said nothing more,

the other,

whitewashed room, nothing

and gazed

at all

at the

on the walls

I

room.

— across

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

156

from me the desk and the three hind, the one window. Did

Or was

the courtyard in the rear?

thought to go to

I

chairs, perfectly balanced,

it

Vorobevka window?

give out onto

it

—

a side

it

do something

to

and waiting.

then

might see people out there, even

I

would be pleasant, one?

true,

It is

one familiar

the

me. After

—

Street below,

hour, and that

I

recognize some-

I

might see some-

—

lived in this

I'd

and wasn't there a Dynamo gymnasium

might see someone

I

was Gorky

this

all,

Onto

break the crazy

this

even so

stories up, but

region for over seven years

nearby?

at

would be wonderful. Would

it

was four

I

to

If

to

window showed Vorobevka

silence

and be-

Street?

knew even

I

at this

Were

hour.

there

streetlights out there? I

started to

make

move toward

a

stopped myself and acted as

when

and,

if I

had

window and then

been shifting

just

my

did that, the corner to

I

the

and behind

left

I

my weight me came into

view. It

was not whitewashed,

like the rest of the walls.

The

rest of

the walls glowed white,

empty of everything and white. But the

corner to the rear and to

my

was painted dark blue

left, it

— an area

about four feet out into either wall and about seven feet high was painted a very dark shiny blue, and

where like

I

was

that

it

was an enamel.

an enormous right-angled

and leaned I

window

studied the

walked over

I

for the

to

it

it

looked floor

man

had seen nothing of note. if

I I

and had a look outside? I

was.

to say something

in big

I

if

was barred. What harm, then,

It

looking at the

just kept

you saw

that

had been pushed across the

tile

this as

again.

stayed where

I

was so shiny

into the corner.

looked away from

But

could see from the flash

I

It

window

else. It

Russian buildings

in

across the

way and

waiting

was the usual kind of window

those days, doubled, to protect

against the cold, the exterior glass opening out and the interior glass

opening

in

Was worked?

— and between them

there were bars.

he never going to talk again?

An

interrogation?

Or whatever

That

you

was judging me

this is

into a

how

they

room with

this

this

perhaps

was? You

how

it

just stood a

was over with? Could

it

be

in some kind of subtle way? Could that be

it?

while together, not speaking, and then that he

Was

made up a

their

man and

it

minds about you

— they

put

he looked you over closely and

then he went out and told them what he thought?

VICTOR HERMAN

And feel

,

1

my mind

then

began

I

number

already spoken a great

of sentences

Was

it

Had

possible?

me dozens

he already asked

the

— and

attention.

man

—and that

— what was

his

me,

this,

window or

heard, had instead been looking out the

this

name?

— had

me

every

of questions, already given

opportunity to clear myself, to get myself out of

simply

I

startled

It

could

I

perhaps he had

to think that

had not been paying close enough thought.

me

started turning against

myself losing control.

57

and

I

had not

some blue

at

design in the corner?

Had Could

already missed

I

me

Had those weeks and months deaf? Delivered

me

What had he It

I

was

.

.

Who

He

said

a queer

/

am

way

I

had

said

I

had

said:

I

waited.

I

tried not to

—

Good look

I

had

at his lip?

tried to

look

I

couldn't

tell.

it

he was looking

at

Or

not look at

seemed

It

at his

it

Perhaps

drunker than

slightly, this I

.

.

was

the test

to see

if

you

it?

me

to

I

It's

or

—

to see

made

that perhaps this I

could not decide which

if

there

If that's

at his face.

was anything on

what they wanted,

it.

I

that

I

noticed something else.

The

could see

it

there in his face and the

way

was then

drunk.

me.

desk

something that

get used to spotting in people

The man was

.

at his face, at his lip.

looked

— and

slightly

had said

to prove.

I

I

I

Belov.

had to be one or the other. But

then

said.

dull.

— how long ago?

They stood you here and

you were expected

man was

—

something

Comrade

evening,

couldn't decide.

would do

stupid,

was amazing

it

that it?

could look

And

Belov.

had answered

had said something

it

name!

to talk.

I

I

—

Made me

talks like that?

that's right,

sense

insane?

relief.

—

What

I

me?

waking trance?

of

said? He'd given his

And,

Was

me

39 driven

in

of test?

this to

Belov!

.

swallowed with

Belov!

some kind

failed

— had my mind done

some kind

into

And

all?

it

have happened to

this

— and

I

if

could spot

maybe more than

accounted

for the

you're not a drinker you

man's

it

Belov.

drunk.

slightly,

silence.

surmised. Perhaps he was asleep on

in this

Perhaps he was

his feet.

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

158

And then he spoke again. "I am your interrogator." And that was all he said. came.

way

repeated the phrase

I

he'd said

figuring

it,

waited for more

I

my

in

nothing

same

the

it

make up my mind about how

could

I

—but

head, tried to say

drunk he was.

was the ensuing

It

me

I

said,

"Thank you

I

had

to say

Victor

Was

Herman?

man

for telling

something

am

I

him and took

—and what should

some

was

He

to

couldn't take

his

me, moving

am

To

let

lower

seemed to glare

lip

eyes ofT

across the

it

there

now.

He

blocked

was nowhere

every

move

all

without the slightest guilt?

But when

I

to his chest

tried to

were a wound

do

I it,

—

this

myself had inflicted

would be a wretched mistake

was a

my

my

eyes from

this

that twist of flesh

It

I

my

view to the

else to fix

my

eyes.

my

to establish

the test

should look

if it

could not take

was something

bearing,

my

least

convey the testimony of a man who

as

that this

me now

in the light,

but wouldn't that have

innocence? Wasn't the imperative thing that

my

it

his

him long ago.

my

appeared guilty or servile? Wasn't

gesture,

in front of

hands behind

his

though you could see

way and could have looked down

window

it.

to

So

gape I

Belov

drew it

not be uneasy over such a thing, even

stared

if

attention

impossible!

at that tortured lip

critical misstep, that clearly the

is

right in the

my

—and was — knowing

as

man must be

about such a thing, such an ugliness to have on a

man

I

these things?

stood about three or four feet from

that inflamed even

had happened I

I

to say?

sort of ceremonial pattern that only this

a step closer to

and the deformation of

eye!

I

have said?

I

know

an American? Did he not

arms from where they were folded

his

back as he came.

I

But what was

that."

could guide us through?

He dropped

that

me

distraction perhaps that led said.

I

not better to be extremely formal, extremely civil?

it

the statements follow

it

my

and

silence

into saying the second crazy thing

face.

I

—

yet

did

it

sensitive

Who

he were born with

could it?

No

could ever get himself indifferent to a malformation like that!

The

moved! He was saying something. womanish voice, very breathy and very hoarse,

lip

In that

Belov

said,

"You

tivities. I will

What?

will tell

me

hear every one."

this

about your counterrevolutionary ac-

VICTOR HERMAN Could

this

Could

I

the

man

my

that

and

said,

begin with,

was giving

I

said?

hearing anymore?

what he

is

To

thing.

man had

be what the

trust

But that

wrong

.159

for the third time said the

I

hesitated.

I

was

It

prudent fellow, that he could rely on me, that

weigh

my words

man's

in the

and with great composure,

last,

done nothing counterrevolutionary.

— and way or I

not

this is

my

revolution.

the other. But

am

I

was a

would of course

—when

I

I

think,

"No,

said,

I

have

I

am, of course, an American

I

my word on

you have

I

have nothing to do with

I

show

to

face.

it,

have done nothing counterrevolutionary.

terms, really.

I

and precision before speaking

for gravity

simply should have laughed

At

my mind

in

his question serious study, that

in

one

it,

any case. Really,

don't think in such

I

not a political person, you see. Perhaps you

don't know, but I'm a sportsman. I'm not at

all

interested in poli-

tics,

one way or the other,

first

sentence would have been enough. Certainly by the finish of the

I

promise you."

All through this speech,

second sentence,

said

I'd

me forward

simply carried

cations that were necessary. listening to anything just

added

me on

my

to

I

was

into a sentence that it

into

And

then

saying,

was so good

I

to

to

me

further qualifi-

could see that he wasn't

and

that

I'd

made

it

all

worse,

already said and urged

and the next, trying

would compel

his attention to

to

work myself up

what

I

was saying,

be saying anything, to be talking

all.

But

would have

it

all

The

needed saying. But the words

what seemed

uneasiness with what

into the next sentence

and anyway,

that

all

—

kept trying to stop myself.

I

come

out the same, in any event

at

— no

purity of language or impression of candor would have improved my claim in the slightest. Nor would indignation have helped me, the anger

I

had so pleasurably held

In time

I

was

no good learning

that

when

"Turn around," Belov I

did

it

"Walk I

in store.

to learn that only guilt

would help me

you're innocent. said.

immediately. into that corner there, the blue one."

took a few steps forward and stopped.

"Keep going!" I started up again, slowly now. "Stand two

feet

from the corner!"

— and

it's

COMING OUT OF THE reached what

I

ICE

160

.

took to be two

I

from the corner and

feet

stopped.

"Face the corner." stood there.

I

have happened

me

to

at

least

once

— but

I

cap on your head

—or something

stood there.

1

could

I

my

I

he had not moved.

tell

Mr. Samuel Herman,

father,

promise you, she

demand

a lawyer!

With the President of the

Stalin!

*

mother.

my

With

how

will explain

and

a tireless

mother! That's all this

right,

happened!

stood there.

it!

faced into the corner. There was nothing to

1

see but that dark blue enamel.

My But

I

American consulate! With

like yourself!

corner onto the floor beneath

I

at

"

my I

my

Communist

mother!

me

to

like that?

With your Mr.

United Stales! With

Call

must

to all the

turn around and say, "See here, Mr. Belov,

a judge!

dedicated

had happened

It

must have happened

it

this

will stand here.

I

to be put in touch with the

With

something hke

could not remember. Didn't thev put a dunce's

All right, then

Should

that

grade school.

in

one time or another, so

boys

I

my mind

crossed

It

It

my

was painted

trousers had loosened and

my

ne\ er got

He came

hands

from the

right out

feet.

reached to knot them

I

tighter.

there.

when he came. For a big man and a man I judged moderately drunk, he mo\ed with surprising speed. I could

at least

fast

hear every brisk step he took, those boot heels reporting his heavy rapid

march across

He

never

hit

the

wooden

floor.

me anywhere

but

He would

hit

And

then he would

hit

He always

took his time.

No

in

the kidneys.

three times on the right side and then pause. three times

on the

left

side

and pause.

matter what happened, he was never hurried and he always paced himself, three times here, but slowly, one

longer pause

And and

—

sit

a while.

.

.

.

two

three times over here, one

would return

after a series of three, he

Sometimes he would

sit

to

.

.

.

three.

.

.

.

two

.

Then .

a

three.

.

one of the chairs

for as long as half an

hour

drinking a bit from a bottle he had, beer sometimes, whiskey

sometimes it,

—

and now

in his

that floor

on the It

— and then he would — but soon very — and then

motions

right,

as

fast

then on the

would

start

left,

rise

—

as he it

I

could hear the weariness

would be another

always

in

was standing, he came across series of three,

in the kidneys.

always after twelve,

sometime

after

twelve

— VICTOR HERMAN and

o'clock,

161

would not

it

dawn.

finish until

and we would climb the four

in the locker,

pausing on the

last

two

wait.

I

would go

Belov would say, "You will

I

will tell

in.

me

about your counterrevolu-

hear every one."

And I would answer. And he would say, "Go to the corner." And I would go there. And after the first acles or cord. After the

my

could not put time,

first

I

just

first

hands up

time,

But

first

But

I fell

this

my hands

night

I

did not

my

arms.

I

walls.

my

After the eighth time, he tied

better target, with

man-

time, he used

could not raise

I

to ease myself into the walls. After the

went into the

from each hand. Maybe

The

always

each of the doors on the right

floors at

sometimes more, and then

tionary activities.

in the van,

and then we would stand before the door We would wait sometimes ten minutes,

side of the corridor,

marked 178 and

would go

I

flights of stairs,

—one

fingers together

finger

gave him more room to move

in,

a

fastened together in front of me. fall.

the second night

— and

after that I fell every night.

falling did not matter.

There was that

one question

just the

room, the same question

—and

— every

then

I

night

I

would go

walked into

to the corner

and stand. But Belov never

tied

me

or manacled me.

A

guard did that

and then the guard would leave the room.

He never took my shirt oflf, When I think back on it, touch me.

It is

either. I

think this Belov did not like to

the impression that

I

have

—

that the

man

could not

bear to touch me.

But the eleventh night he

With the

did.

tips of his fingers

he

felt

my

along

back.

He

inched

along from side to side and from top to bottom, pressing as a doctor does

But

I

Still,

he

— and

he found the place where

I

winced

— and then

that's

where

hit.

Do

I

owe God

owe God that

is it

God

my

that this

shirt

Belov did not

was never taken

where they healed

that the scar

Or

asking, "Hurt? Hurt here?"

never said yes.

I

owe

that

my

like to

off

me?

liver stayed

Belov lived to hurt me?

Do

touch me? Is

it

God

I

I

owe

hidden from Belov?

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

162

He hurt me for fifty-five nights. From sometime after twelve until dawn, that man hurt me and then he would call the guard to take me down and pass me along to another guard to walk me to the van, and in the van there was a third guard to put me in the locker and I would walk out of

—

Room

down

178 and

behind back, no noise Cell 39,

and

Those

on

time.

fore the

I

hot

it

—

was

never missed that bell

first

—and

van back

ride the

mornings

fifty-five

how

not matter

— and

was always there

I

I

in I

first

fifty-five

gulped

gulped

it

my

times

I

makes me

Of

cry.

things that are printed onto

only three or four

This

my

make me

one of them

is

mornings from

the things

all

I

I

was

thoughts until

did

it

back be-

back.

it

one of the memories

It is

will

It

grateful to be

always made

made I

bell.

hot water down.

— and

feeding.

Korpus,

to Spets

time for the morning

After fifteen mornings, they shared. that

head down, hands

those four flights of stairs

remember, of I

will think

all

the

no longer,

cry.

—

that

they shared with

fifteen to fifty-five,

each giving a

me,

little,

all

until

those I

had

a second cup.

Yes,

my

owe God

I

gratitude and

What

my

is it I

for that

— and admit

it.

Or

I

owe man

—both

hate.

should remember? Those

fifty-five

nights?

Or

the

mornings when they shared?

THIRTY I

hurt inside, and

saw

it

and shook

I

passed blood the second morning. The Elder

his head,

and then he looked back

at the

peep-

hole and stared.

My water was blood. I

my

put the

back and went to the end of

my bench

and took

place. I sat in

I'd

and

lid

I

the position

—

and, like them,

had two nights of the

was struck dumb with

Why

was

this

surprise.

happening?

I

fifty-five that

stared.

were going to be mine

— VICTOR HERMAN It I

153

was happening, wasn't

it?

searched for what was wrong.

my mind

locked on that peephole,

back through

all

Was

fore that.

my

sat in the position,

I

traveling

all

the

eyes

way back

the years in Russia and back through the years be-

there something there? Perhaps there was.

only think hard enough, the thing hiding and the basis of

my

would be

guilt

If

1

could

done would spring out of

I'd

clear.

Cow/i/errevolutionary?

Surely

would

I

But how Street

something

find

back should

far

—or should

go

I

How

would be good enough.

to Ferry

that.

fit

way back

the

all

to

go? Could

I

I

was

old

stop at Ironwood

Henry? Maybe back

to

I

when we moved

to

Ferry? I

hurt inside.

The

And

third night

was passing blood.

I

I

could not hold myself up

in the locker.

It

was a longer wait going and a longer wait coming back, and both ways

I

could not hold myself up

Some run

me up

nights they

the locker.

in

would not pause. Some nights they would

the four flights of stairs, trotting

to the next flight.

But then

at

178

much more

they ran me. Never

me

along the hallways

always waited, even the nights

I

than ten minutes

—but

always a

wait about that long.

But then we would go back third floor

By It it

and on the

the fourth night,

was something

I

I

me

through.

I

even to say about

depended on

could loathe.

my

as the thing to turn all

get

pausing

to

I

his voice to get

— on

the

— how

I

If

through.

hated

I

it

enough,

to think about

it,

it

would

perhaps

could humiliate him with ridicule, such

grown man,

a preposterous voice on a

me

could despise his voice, seize

hate on.

would make up things it

doors again

at

last.

a brute of a fellow like you!

You have

Belov! Swine! Pay attention!

the voice of a freak!

Your voice makes me laugh, Belov! Such an embarrassment, a puny thing like that on a big dumb cluck Listen, Belov, I

like

you!

am

Do you

laughing!

hear me, pig? Victor

believe me, I can't help

it

—

cluck! If a tumor could talk,

it

it

is

Herman

is

laughing. Please

the voice of a toad. Belov!

would sound

like

Dumb

you!

In the barber's shed and in the bathhouse, they saw me. They

saw

my

back

— and they

stared at the peephole.

pulled

down

the skin

"What?"

I said,

stared at

And

it

no

differently

the second time

under one of

my eyes

from how they

in there,

and looked.

half-angry, half-surprised.

the Elder

COMING OUT OF THE "Blood," he

said.

"So, blood,"

I

164

am

said. "I

a

only wanted

that. It

my

was resolve *

"The

rubbing myself

now

rage

— so

man

did not want his sympathy.

I I

ICE

It

I

bleed."

would make me cry

— and

to

have

it.

something even stronger than

wanted.

I

with

it!"

said to the Elder

I

— and

went back

to

in the water.

"Talk," he said.

"What about?" "Tell

"The

He

I

said.

them something. Make something up." *

with

it!"

said

I

— and walked away

followed me. "Think," he said.

"Did you?"

to another spout.

"Make something

up."

said.

I

He looked around. He said, "We all did." "And where are you now?" I said. "What good did it do?" Again he looked around at the other men standing under water. "Flyer," he said,

anymore. Think,

am

"I

flyer

"we

—you

are alive.

For none of us

is

the

there torture

are a spy."

an American,"

said.

I

"How

could

I

be a spy? For

what?" "Save your

your

On

the

only had to out

life,

American," the Elder

said.

"Think,

came from my

penis

when he

idiot

life!"

fifth

night blood

— and from my rectum On

seeping

hit.

He

and some blood would seep out or spurt

hit a little bit,

too.

the seventh night,

from

— and more from my

my

same

nose, the

—

a

little

penis and rectum, from there

it

bit,

came

in small splashes.

On "You

the eighth night he said something else before he said,

will tell

me about your

counterrevolutionary

activities.

I

will

hear every one."

Before he said

that,

he said. "Your trousers are ruined. Get an-

other pair of trousers. These trousers are

Then he asked me

"Go

to the corner

On

the question, and

full

of blood."

when

I

answered, he said,

and stand there."

the ninth night, he said,

"No new

must get new trousers. These are ruined. These are no good.

them away."

And

then he asked

me

the question.

You Throw

trousers, prisoner?

VICTOR HERMAN

On

165

the tenth night

I

fainted for the

then he knocked

me

me

came around and

stay there.

some

But then he got

time.

He

I

me up

could

I

saw him walk

But the overhead see

he

let

stayed down, and he gave

me

again.

my

blood went over

and

to his desk

light cast

thighs. lift

He

something.

held

shadows where he was and

I

up.

it

couldn't

what he had. "See

know

me

up and

got

I

down and

stayed

I

feel the tickling as the

the clipped hairs on the backs of I

But

time.

"Turn around."

said,

stood there.

I

first

out again. This lime

prisoner?

this,

everything.

A

file

on you.

us everything.

tells

It

So why are you stubborn, prisoner? You

about your counterrevolutionary

activities.

I

We

will tell

hear every

will

one." I

said, "If

you know everything, then why do

He smacked

whatever he had

"If

you

then you go free!

tell,

it

down on

We

have to

tell?"

hand. First he smacked

in his

with his hand, and then he smacked

I

give

it

his desk.

you

and then

a sentence,

free! Now, prisoner, begin!" Would he kill me? Was the Elder right? What if they didn't want to, but they killed you anyway? What if the next punch did it? Was this bleeding from my liver? Does the liver make you bleed like that? How much could you bleed and still be all right?

you go

"All right,"

said.

I

me

"But give

a lead

—

tell

me where

to

begin."

Was my

voice pleading?

When

ing his voice?

I

Or

talked, did

I mock him? Had I been mockcome out as mimicking him?

did it

meager wet voice barely audible from must see if what you say coincides with what is

"No, no, no," he across the room. "I

said, his

written here. All right, begin!" I

wanted

position.

To

to faint again.

be back

"I'm sorry,"

I

I

wanted

corner!" he screamed, and he I

I

and didn't get

night, he kicked

I

longed for the

would be paradise.

at

me

me

me up

instead

"Face the

across the floor in a fast

hit.

kept falling. That was the tenth night.

me

stopped getting up. So he kicked that night

down.

in that pathetic voice.

came

went down when he

That night

sit

said. "I can't think of anything."

"Turn around!" he screamed march, and

to

there in the position, that

to

— and

at

instead.

He

let

me

punch me. For the

dawn

they took

me

I

fell

lie

and

there

I

all

rest of that

out.

COMING OUT OF THE The get

me

eleventh night

166

.

went down with the

I

me

up, but he could not get

not work I

ICE

— and

I

man came and and the guard

—

left

I

blow.

tried,

He

but

tried to

would

it

someone

me

could see

it

up.

in the hall,

And

was a guard now

at the throat, his

and

then Belov

— and Belov held me pressed

hand gripping me

the wall, his

call to

together they got

told this other one, a guard

get Tolya,

first

He

could not help.

heard him go to the door and

then that

to stand.

—

to

go

against

shoulder pushing

up against me.

The guard

returned.

Belov dropped me.

He He

said,

"Tolya cannot come."

cursed. His curses seemed comic, that

ridiculous voice straining for force, for an expression of outrage.

After a while

—

—how long?

It

They had

could have been days but

Was

after a while Belov was back.

this

other one the

a bag of dried peas. Small dark peas.

them out on

the floor

and kneeled

me on

it

wasn't

man Tolya? They

spilled

where the blue was, and then they hoisted me

the peas.

They

got on each side of me, Belov and

man Tolya, and each put his weight on a shoulder and moved me around in the peas. Then they'd lift me and then they would

the

drop me, each working a shoulder, and

me

all

around on

my

in this fashion

knees on the peas,

they

moved

around the blue triangle

all

painted on the floor.

There was nothing more

that night.

There was no more

hitting

that night.

But the next night was

And then He asked

like the first.

was

the thirteenth came, and that

different too.

the question. I don't know how I answered. I don't know what I said. Yet it was the same it came to the same thing but Belov did not send me to the corner when he heard whatever it was I had said. He took me by the shirt and pulled me to a chair,

—

one of those school chairs

He He He

to the side of his desk.

picked up a pencil, the kind that said,

took the pencil and placed

my little He did all

and

my

between

finger

hand.

the creases

the left hand,

is

faceted, five sides.

"Put out your hand."

and did

all

it

perpendicular to the crease

ring finger.

on

He

that hand,

started with the right

and then he began on

the creases there too.

He went from one

crease to another, from one hand to another, the pencil between the fingers

that

and Belov squeezing them together and then holding them

way

for minutes at a time.

Then on

to the next crease.

VICTOR HERMAN

He

167

called for

Tolya around three

worked the pencil and Belov worked

morning, and Tolya

in the

the pliers. Tolya

moved

the

pencil from crease to crease and then he squeezed two fingers to-

and when he had them good and

gether,

Belov gripped the

tight,

pencil in the jaws of the pliers and turned.

Belov did the turning

dawn

until

Tolya worked the

that night.

pencil.

Each time enough came

All the skin was off by dawn.

Belov picked

it

up from the desk top with a

slip of paper.

enough and

They had

back

it

all off

it

And when

ofT into the ashtray.

by dawn.

then he tapped each of

"You

my

see?" he said. "Clean."

hands with the

pencil.

"You

had

be very careful

after that thirteenth night,

I

in either of the positions, sitting or reclining.

go together

fingers

worse

if

you had

—because when they

to get

them

If

you

it

heals,

whatever

it

is.

Even

they were making, those healed too. heals

They

The

— and

fourteenth night first

But on the

sat

sat

the

If

what toughness

it

was

just

my

it

was

— and

wounds they

you

live

didn't

long enough,

is.

Belov again

—

the right, then the left

gether a series of three

They

let

the scars inside and out, they are just a toughness.

are, for all of us,

the kidneys,

could not

did, they stuck

took a long time. But they healed. live,

to

I

apart.

It

know

and

see?" he

"Clean too."

For weeks

it all

He And

stood to go, Belov said, "Look, prisoner."

I

pointed to the top of his desk.

said.

off,

used

up whatever was big

the slip of paper like a shovel and picked slid

He

three

— and then he would

— and punching on each

in

side, alto-

rest.

it was Tolya and Belov, the both. They each came with the other chairs

fifteenth night,

me

in a chair.

themselves before me.

took the place above

my

left

And

eye

each

man had

— and Belov

a pencil. Tolya

took the place

above

the right.

wasn't bad

It

at first.

But

it

got bad.

It

just

took time to get bad

—

and then it quickly got much worse. They never changed the force think the force was always the of it. It's hard to remember, but 1

took time to get very bad

— and

same.

It just

way,

thought nothing could ever be worse.

I

It

was

just a simple thing,

then, once

what they did with

it

got that

their pencils. It's

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

168

—and —and maybe even some simple snap— holding one something you've seen kids do

many

teachers have probably seen

teachers have done

times

the pencil at

pushing

bottom, pulling back

at the

wood, then

it

to kids.

it

A

end, a fingertip at the other,

at the top, get a tension in the

let go.

They did

Each did one

fifteenth night.

Tolya on the

from

like that

it

left side,

dawn.

after midnight until

side

—

just

Belov on the

It

was the

an inch or so above the eye.

right,

maybe

a minute between

each snap. It

wasn't hard at

then, very quickly,

angry

seem bad for a long

time.

And

got worse.

it

me to anymore. But who

It's

didn't

first. It

hard for

look

can

at a pencil

live a life

now.

don't want to be

I

and not see pencils wherever

he turns? It

chew

hurt to

the bread ration after that.

— very heavy. You had it

to

chew

it

hard to get

It

was

it

down. But mostly

a dense bread

did not come.

think

I

The

is

it

made my days

not wrong to say that Belov

nights he used me, the days after were easier

was something

there

in

—

easier.

easier because

me, a hating, and not the spacious vacancy

of routine days.

me my

Belov gave

and would

I

He was out?

I

live to

how many For

sat this

I

hurt

my

worse than

this

day and

knew

I

that

I

never being called

was not forgotten, not

day and the one

after that,

days to come?

fifty-five nights I

thank for that

—

and these

on the

fourth,

Was

heard "G! Get ready!" and

who

— and where

be hurt again another night.

hurting me.

like the others

for

loathing to think about

fell

and the

was not

forgotten,

and

I

have Belov to

those fifty-five nights. But there were timeouts sixth, the twelfth, the eighteenth, the

thirtieth

days of the month

—

in

my

twenty-

case the nights

of those days for these were the "free" days in the Stalin month, a

month based on week,

in

the six-day Stalin week. Instead of the seven-day

those days Russia observed a six-day week, to eliminate

the traditionally religious character of Sunday. free day,

the labors he performed in

Room

sixth

day was

178.

Stalin also ridded the days of the

were instead until

The

and the nights of those days Belov enjoyed a holiday from

cited as

you came

first

to free day,

week

of their names, and they

day, second day, third day, and so on

and on

free

day Belov

rested.

VICTOR HERMAN

^169

Me, I wish he had been more industrious, more conscientious, more dedicated to the great Russian push forward because it was

—

always harder to go back after a free day, always harder to pick up again where we had left oflf, always harder, after that little interval,

my

to wait

Room

turn at

Many

178.

free day, just as they did

Russians did,

on the other

five

many worked on

days of the week. But

Belov rested.

And sat in 39 in the position wondering how man could find something more entertaining I

— how conceiv-

ably the

he carried out

grams tricks

drew on

I

Room

in

Sometimes

my

the peephole with

would play on

I

178.

than the chores

would interrupt the

1

eyes or the

dia-

games and

little

that small ring of glass, sometimes

I

would

interrupt these exercises to think about Belov and to try to guess

what he did when he did not do something Torture?

It is terrible,

rible in a different

stones,

of course

me.

man it is termen like sixteen

for each

way. But the position, sixteen

them

staring in that silence until a bell goes off to shift

all

from one condition of petrifaction

— and

to

—and

terrifying

it is

—

was worse

to another, the position

terrifying even to see,

when you know what you see is you know that you are a petrifaction rifying

for

and

you

as

ter-

for them, and

it is

you are

too, that

more

infinitely

like

them,

like that. I I

drew diagrams on

made my

eyes

and upside down

the peephole and played

draw blueprints or

— and sometimes

a very elaborate design, and then it

looked

then

tilt

on the other

like it,

tilt

I

the night and for called

they were

I

all

around

it

to contrive

to see

what

would make the drawing and

would change what

that coin of printed air to see

kept on doing these things

He

sorts of games.

would use my eyes

I

would turn

or

all

draw numbers backwards

that coin of air into different angles to see the

the altering perspective

would whirl

side,

I

I'd

all

day long

when Belov would have me

me

out

fifty-five

times

saw.

I

what

— but

it

way

Or sometimes

I

would do.

— while

I

waited for

called out.

after the eighteenth time,

me and

the same, except for the time they burned

for

the night before that, the fifty-third time.

It all

went the same that

—

the stairs, the pausing

just as all those other times

He head

fifty-third night

the same. I

had.

And

I

—

waited

Then Belov

the van, the locker, at the

called

door of 178

me

in.

stood in the middle of the floor, directly under the over-

light. It

made

his face dark, that the source of light

was

directly

COMING OUT OF THE above

170

and you could only notice the ruined

his head,

what darker

ICE

a some-

place.

"Welcome, prisoner," Belov

"Come

lip as

said, his

manner detectably

jovial.

stand here, prisoner," he ordered, and he motioned to the

"Now then," he said when you miss me last night?"

floor at his feet.

me, "did

"Yes,"

both meaning

said,

I

it

I

was where he wanted

and meaning also the sarcasm he

obviously wanted.

"Very good,"

do you not stand I

made an

said Belov.

and

straight

"Now, stand up me?"

my

effort to straighten

me, and even without the pain

"Very good," Belov

spine, but the pain stopped

couldn't have done

I

and smiled,

said

They are disgusting. new ones."

filthy trousers.

get

"I intend to,"

to his desk

with his head for

me

large sheet of paper

from top

to

"Does I

bottom.

"It

him. the

I

"Now

and

to take

it

it

I

could see a it

looking, and he looked too.

you?" he

said.

did not interest me. said. it

concern me?"

his attention to the

He seemed

something out

window

and he gestured

chairs.

Belov stood up and turned to be studying

window behind Or did

in the street.

give onto the courtyard in the rear or simply onto one

of the buildings

on

either side?

I still

"Tell me, prisoner," he said, is it

follow me."

down behind

sat

"And how does

said.

you, you must throw them

one of the other

He saw me

concerns you," he

"I see,"

lip stretching

have the same

on the desktop, two columns of typing on

that interest

said no, that

still

said.

I

"Excellent," Belov said.

He walked

I tell

it.

upper

his

while the lower one struggled to follow. "But you

away and

Why

straight, please.

tall like

you think of when "Nothing

I

said.

gazing out the window, "what

say blue?"

in particular,"

"Oh?" he

did not know.

still

I

said.

"Then what

is

it

you think of when

I

say

corner?"

"The same,"

I said,

without hesitating. "Nothing special."

Belov turned away from the window and stood behind chair,

and then he pulled

it

"Prisoner," he said,

going to

set

you

free.

We

back roughly and

sat

his

down.

"we do not need you any

longer.

We

are

have been testing you and you have been

VICTOR HERMAN

We know

tested enough.

are

made I

good

of

171

So,

stuff.

us be friends

let

that

it

is all

you

over."

He

underneath.

it

and uncapped

You

will sign at the

it

and handed

sheet of paper on top of

it

does matter,"

"To

a

man

"A

list

of names.

—

was

in front of

And with me and put the

this

he

second

so that only a blank area on the bottom

visible.

said.

"Does what?" Belov "It

said,

free."

names."

said. "Just

put the paper back on the desk

I

was

said.

I

does not matter," he

of the sheet underneath

He

me.

to

it

bottom before you go

"Whose names?"

"It does,"

a second sheet of paper that

took a fountain pen from the pocket of his brown

shirt

"It

and he reached forward and picked

said,

and with

the sheet of paper,

said,

now

said, "All right."

"Very good," Belov up

We know

what you are made of now.

that

I

said.

said.

"To me

going to be

is

and again he worked

it

matters."

what can matter?" Belov

free,

his lips into that

hideous smile.

"How do I know that my father's name is not one names? Or my brother's?" I put the fountain pen down on

of those the edge

of the desk.

"Prisoner," he said, "you vex me.

Signr he shrieked and

lifted the

"Nothing doing,"

I

said

"Very good," Belov

You

trouble and you vex me.

pen and held

it

toward me.

and stood up.

said

and also stood.

the desk and strode to the door, opened

it,

He

stepped around

and called out into the

hall.

They took me down those four flights of stairs and then down flight after that. They took me to a room down there, down there in the basement. It was a small room and it was dark. another

There were men

was

soon as

I

a light.

They turned

in that

in there, it

I

room.

I

don't

know how many. But

as

could hear them m.oving around. They had

on and

it

was very

bright

—

it

was

like the

work with under a car, light that auto mechanics carry around only it beamed in just one direction. The direction was my eyes. to

Wherever

my

eyes.

I

moved

And

then

in that it

room, the

light they

had kept shining

in

would suddenly go out.

know what to do. First I stayed where I was. For maybe but three minutes I didn't move and then I moved around a little no matter how I moved, I didn't bump into anyone just into walls. I

didn't

—

—

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

172

move when I moved, but They kept still when I did, and then the light would come on again, the beam aimed perfectly, and the beam always in my eyes. I stood there, and then I moved

It

was a small room.

when

I

kept

still

could hear them

I

couldn't hear them.

I

—

—and

followed

me wherever

and

continued as before. Sometimes

all

it

moved

I

after a time I

it

went

off again,

could hear them whisper-

—but then they would quickly stop— they could and came on was hearing them — and then as

ing

if

went

it

off.

and then they started I

And

hitting

it

was

like this for

about two hours

me.

know how many of them there they hit me with. They hit me with

didn't

the things

I

then, this

again,

the light

time quickly,

that

tell

were. belts

I

could only

tell

and with wooden

clubs and a metal rod and with different things with different weights

and ing

different shapes all

the time

— and

— and

the things they hit

me

then, abruptly, the hitting

with kept chang-

would stop and the

room would be quiet again and then the beam of light would come on, come on and then go off, and I could hear them whispering and and they would move whenever I moved, and then hear them stop

—

it

was

way

all like

a children's game, and you began to think of

you the

until they hit

first

time again and waited, as

it

that

some musical composition

blow was an introductory note in

demanded

if

first

that

came

there then be a pause before the entire orchestra

down around your ears. And then the hitting commenced

that

crashing

I

know

of did they hit

perhaps they did.

It

That was the

was hard

to

me

different weights, but never

and

different things with different shapes

once that

again, without interruption,

in the face

or head or neck. But

know.

fifty-third night

—

all

that

I

can remember of

it.

do not remember going back to 39. I was there in the mornbut I do not remember getting there. the first bell ing by I remember only my waking up to the bell. I was lying by the pot. But the bell must have already gone off because the others were I

—

already in the position.

And when

I

my

opened

man

that sat facing

me open

and then

a heavy blow in the middle of

I

I

I felt

coughed.

I

nodded and got

wide to the

coughed, thank God. to

my

—

and pulled myself up

my

his eyes

knees, and on

I

my

and, like them,

I

my

eyes,

was

I

saw

man

the

me,

back.

coughed up knees

I

that sat behind

clots of blood.

made

sitting

it

to

—and,

eyes were in position on the peephole. But that day

I

my

like

place

them,

could not

VICTOR HERMAN

I73

draw diagrams and blueprints and

All that day It

was a

I

and designs with

pictures

All that day after the fifty-third night

I

cried, but

no

tears

waited for the night. But they did not

my eyes.

came

out.

me

out.

call

free day.

Belov was

resting.

—

All that day

I cried but no sound and no tears came out. The Elder must have turned us that night. He always turned us at least twice. But I do not remember his turning me that night. I do not remember how cold it was that night. I only remember a feeling

I

had

—

me something

a feeling that inside

and pulsing, had stopped. Everything out of

it,

tered in It

and

my

it

soft

was dry now and hard

vital,

as horn, a small thing cen-

belly.

has been

in

me

ever since, this small hard thing.

—

me a long black coat man who had come in with it, a week before. He had come as he had been

In the morning there was a coat over

made

something alive

and moist had been wrung

of fur.

man who had

It

was

the coat of a

joined us a

arrested, in his long black coat

—

just as

I

had, in T-shirt and cotton

trousers and tennis shoes, long, long ago. It

was winter now, and the man who was new

to us put his coat

over me.

But that morning when not the

man who had

night before. I

was instead

I

was not

man

waked with

that

man nor

that other Victor

is

the coat over me,

fallen into the black

ordeal of eighteen years.

and that

I

alien to

night in a basement. All

It

is

the

that

me now. He

it

your eyes as they moved.

I

am

who endured an Herman who did it,

a creature they

took was a very bright It

in Detroit today.

the one

Victor is

made one

light that

followed

took a very dark room and that

and men who mqved when you moved and who whispered dark. off

It

took never bumping into them and a

light that

and whispering that would stop when you heard

prise of clubs that touched

you

was

sobbing slumber of the

man

Herman,

I

in the dark.

it

light,

in the

went on and and the sur-

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

174

THIRTY-ONE They called me out the next night. But it was too late for that now. They put me in the van and they put me in the locker and then they took me out in the courtyard behind Vorobevka Street. But it was too late now.

They took me

right to the

basement and they put

me

in a

dark

room.

Was

it

The

light

same room? came on. Then the whispering. And when I moved around, they moved too. I stood still. The light went out. It came on again and it was very silent in there. I stood there, motionless. The light went off. They whispered. The light came on. And then it was silent again. the

—

"Prisoner!" a voice said. "Prisoner!" another voice said.

— and then —and then blow — would

There was a long silence I

heard them whispering

I

waited for the

ment. Then the I

rest

first

the light went out.

silence.

it

come

as an

announce-

would come.

heard them whispering again.

Was

this the

same room? Were these

the

same men?

"Victor Herman!" a voice said.

The

light

came

on.

"Victor Herman!" another voice said, and then a third voice said, "Tell us

The I

light

what we want went

I

it

know

or die tonight."

out.

stayed where

around and then

to

I

was

was.

I

heard them whisper and then move

silent again.

screamed into the

silence. I

screamed with

all

it

was

scream. I

screamed, "Nyet!"

And

then in English, softly, to myself,

I said,

"No."

in

me

to

— VICTOR HERMAN

17^

They hit me with boards and then with something small and It was iron.

heavy.

pushed up, stepped out, took a mouthful of rushing

I

jumped. morning.

and

I

But

tried.

I

would

I

the tumbling dark. But ing air I

burning feel

fall

me up

It

— and always

terrible smell,

I

I

could not

would say

was

my body going me from space itself.

This time

I

made

Korpus

my

I

I

it

my

Still,

late

that kept

wak-

had never come across before.

to myself

— what

is it?

But before

long somersault, the dark

another, an impossible vaulting that

jump last woke me.

until

morning, and

it

was

that night, a

the

round

ankle.

left

do not know what they did

was too

into

enough.

They burned me. They had burned me shape inside

in that

backwards

tried to catch the sail-

I

fall far

lost in a

the

that

and

waking me up

leg kept

and smell something awful

it

to a smell

I

air,

into the next

it.

in

again, go spilling over

going one way,

bell in Spets

fall

was a sensation of burning

could think very clearly,

divided

could not

I

no matter how hard

and keep careening, kept waking up.

Such a I

A

would wake up and

I

room and then

ing

could not do

kept waking up.

I

But

deadfall, careening.

fell

I

— and too

even after

it

late for the

this,

they

still

But by the time they did

with.

fifty-fifth

me

called

it,

night too. out.

"G! Get ready!" I

stepped between the

men and

stood between the Parasha

and the door, and when the door was pulled open,

moved along behind

my

the

back.

padded walkway with I

went down the iron

my

I

stepped out.

head down and

stairs

I

hands

and through the small

doors and across the prison yard and into the van, and I

my

in

my

locker

made the ride to Vorobevka Street. Had they killed me the night before? They had not. Would they kill me tonight?

We did and we did

it

not go to the basement. in the

same

We

went along the usual route,

fashion, from one end of a corridor to an-

other and another, pausing by the right-hand doors on the

last

two

floors. I

stood before 178 for the

the usual interval of waiting,

fifty-fifth time.

I

waited, and after

Belov opened the door. The guard took

COMING OUT OF THE me

my

in, tied

was dismissed, and

Belov? The same

brown

176

fingers with the cord that

ing for instructions,

his

ICE

shirtsleeves rolled well

me

did not ask

the room.

—no matter how cold beyond

There was only one difference

He He

Belov gave him, stood wait-

left

was

it

—

his jacket

oflF,

the elbow.

this time.

the question.

said nothing, in fact.

He

did not even

tell

me

go stand

to

in

the corner.

He

and smiled.

just pointed there

decided, do

I

now

it

—because

you might not

get

another

chance.

made

I I

took two

my it

lungs

—

as

if I

were going to turn toward the corner, but instead

fast steps

forward and with whatever

spit in his face.

I

waited

I

until

I

wanted that picture for the peephole.

I

what was going

that's

look

at the

gray

happen

to

muck

in the

could scrape from

I

could get a good look

wanted

I

it

hours ahead.

I

to die with

if

took a good

had gotten on him, and then

I

at

I

wheeled

around and walked into the blue corner and waited. could hear him making

I

squealing sounds of terror, the

little

man might make were

sounds a

he to discover a

fat furry spider

clinging to the tip of his tongue.

waited.

I

I

could hear him squealing and yanking open drawers

in the desk. It

was the best

man you were your face I

him

—

snuffling,

it

drive the bastard

in that

spit, his

mucus running on

mad!

brusque march that

processional of his assault.

He He

the thick spit of a

spit,

And Belov was more or less quiet now. I could hear a man straining to organize himself. And then he

He came

came.

could have done. The

too dainty to touch, his

let

waited.

I

could

kill

I

me. But

I'd

come

to

know

he could do.

that's all

Two! Three! On the right side, in the and then on the left. One! Two! Three! I counted with him. But I never made it to one again. I

had

counted. One!

came up out

that sort of feeling in

my

used

voice to shout.

How long had I

but

of sleep

it

was was

it

I

all at

my sat

ears

up

once.

—

as

all at

been since

in a kind of hospital

cold.

as the

waited for him.

I

I if

must have given a shout. just

once

—

had been

ward

—

kidney,

/

moments before was

in or

in

I

I

had

a bed!

even seen a bed?

iron beds, sheets, blankets

VICTOR HERMAN

177

.

They kept me

more than

there

a

month

—

Gorky

there in the

prison infirmary.

was bleeding

I

wouldn't I

No

talk.

Most

inside.

one would

talk

— but

they

not even Romanoff, the one

man

He knew me and I knew

him,

of the others were too

—

recognized from the American Village.

but he wouldn't talk

—except once —

there, he whispered to

Most

me

for a

little

once,

when we were alone

in

while. But the next day he died.

but didn't know who they were. knew knew him from the Village and from back in Detroit. Everybody who was close to the Socialists knew him back in Detroit and this was because of the time Romanoff had knocked over the mounted policeman during a workers' demonstration downtown. It was the 6th of March, 1930, and thousands and thousands of

them

in there died,

Romanoff, though

—

I

I

I

—

were

there,

and so was the National Guard and the

the state police, and police

knocked one of them over.

mounted on horses was

It

man do

old boy, seeing that big

and shove. The man's back was it

— and

then

that, put his

shoulder to that horse

window when he

the horses were driving the people against the glass

saw Romanoff,

I

a thing to impress a fifteen-year-

to a plate-glass

a truly

huge man, do what he

shoulder to the front of that horse

and

city police

— and Romanoff had

in

something

did

— and

did, put his

like a tackling

mo-

policeman. — and shove. The horse went over and about was and many saw — and wards, and about what brave man Romanoff was. The cops * out them clubbing him — and him — knew. we about And here he was now, same man — and whenever so did the

tion

a thing to see,

of us

It

talked

it

after-

it

beat

a

of

the

talked

after that

that too,

all

five, six

the kids

of

I

the

get

him

But he whispered

was

all

to

me

the

day before he

— soon — he was going

okay now

ing to go free

that as

died.

to get himself as far

tried to

and look

at

He whispered

as the bleeding stopped, he

to get himself

home. He was going could

I

to talk he'd just put his finger to his lips

on the

first

away from

me.

that

it

was go-

boat and go

this as a

man

get.

I

said,

"Why

are they setting

you

free? Tell me, so

I

can help

myself."

He "A

whispered.

paper?"

"It said

I

He

said.

whispered, "I signed a paper."

"What was on

McCarthy, the engineer

it?" in the

Village

—

it

said he

was

a spy."

the

They took Romanoff out of there the next day. It was early morning when they did it. Three went out that day, the same.

in

In

COMING OUT OF THE the

month or more

was

I

day when one didn't

out

in that infirmary,

many went

when

any

itself

mainly was

it

all this

doing, the

their

of

It's

to

I

inside

life's

was lucky

I

its

it

me

my

was

in that infirmary. It

first

instead of hurt me. There

luck, the

nized him for a Jew, and

would

—or

young.

him

talk to

I

maybe

I

me

him

wasn't that,

it

was too

I

made maybe

I

think

— an egg now and

was

it

was the

it

—and

— and

I

recog-

to convince him,

a difference, that he was a

in Yiddish. It

don't know. But

food for

told

time

first

was a doctor there

a trusty, and therefore a criminal and not a political

Jew

in-

cost.

being a Jew saved

I

out, never a

— bleeding my mother bled — own something. meant, suppose, clean you deposited too much you — and does job believe

I

But some bleed the way

body purging at

178

go.

Bleeding inside, side.

ICE

because

just

first

thing

was

I

—and he

got

and now and then a glass of

then,

milk, and sometimes vegetable soup and potatoes, and at night, even

when

the Jewish doctor didn't get

and a

roll.

it

for me, I got real tea with sugar

it

now and

It

was good,

It

would be a long time before

would not be

that milk

a long time before

then I

—and

would have

would

I

the egg. either again.

eat tree slugs

and

But

rats

and worse. built myself up.

I

I

was strong from

that

month or more.

I

stopped hurting inside after three weeks, and by four weeks>»rwas strong again.

was strong when they

I

sent

They took me down

Spets Korpus.

But the men

in the corner.

in

me back the

39 were

to the second floor of

padded walkway

all

different

Only one was the same, and he took a place next night bell. I

He

lay

down behind me,

his

to the cell

—except to

me

for one. after the

back against the wall, and

heard him whisper from behind me: "Flyer, the others

And

then

I felt

something under

all

dead."

him poking something under me, side. I

took a chance and

trying to

poke

felt there.

was the soap!

It I

my

—

got

twelve.

I

it

my

between

had

to pass

They were

it

calling

"G! Get ready!"

buttocks but had to get

off to the

me

out.

man

behind me.

it

out again around

VICTOR

HERMAN

I'm ready, I

179

thought.

I

went into the van and into the locker, but there was no

ting

up

was

I

trot-

the flights of stairs or pausing at the right-hand doors, nor

made

to wait in front of

Room

178.

Belov!

He was

behind

sitting

tremendously different

the jacket of his uniform

He

his desk.

I

could see that something was

—but what? And

then

saw

I

on and there were medals

it

—

all

that he

over

had

it.

"Comrade Herman, good evening. Please sit." I walked across that wooden floor and took a chair. "You have been in hospital," he said. "I am sorry. You said,

are

better?" I

nodded

my

head.

"Very good," he with a smile. are

said,

"Now," he

two ways out of

this,

Do you want

to die?"

I

said nothing.

I

But," and

Do you I

now

my

shook

just

said.

you know the

truth.

either die or

it

There

you go

to

head.

"Then

for you,

he smiled, "to go to court,

my

first

friend,

it

is

court.

must have material.

1

understand?"

nodded my head.

"Very good. Now, neer,

was thankful he did not follow

1

two ways only. You

court.

"Very good," he

and

said, "it is time

in

this

connection,

I

ask you

—

the engi-

McCarthy, do you know him?" I

nodded

my

head.

"Very good. This

is,

you

see, material.

I

tell

you McCarthy

is

a spy. We have proof and we know it. He Americans. Together they pass information to the American consu-

has agents here, other

late in I

Moscow.

It is

forbidden.

You

say you

know him?"

nodded.

"Very good," Belov

said

and produced a paper from the center It tells about McCarthy. It says on

drawer. "This covers the matter. a certain day

you

told

him how many trucks and cars were produced

on a certain day."

"Which days?"

I

said.

"Which day

did

I

tell

him and which day

of production?"

"Comrade Herman," Belov are of I

said, again smiling, "these things

no consequence. Just sign." said,

"But

it

would make no

hardly anything to do with the plant.

sense.

And

To

even

begin with,

if I

did,

I

had

why would

a

COMING OUT OF THE worker be

And

ICE

180

telling the chief engineer

what

was?

his day's production

newspaper always reported the daily production,

besides, the

anyway."

"But that

"It

send

and you

Very good. You

them, look, see,

will tell

The court

right.

you

see,

go to the court

this thing is foolish

—because

why

will sign this paper. I

will then

you go

will let

will say,

said, that impossi-

scale to express his satisfaction.

and you

to the court,

it

and the court

all,

up the

farther

itself

foolish, yes?

is

will then

Comrade!" Belov

just the point,

is

ble voice pinching

did you sign?

and

of course

And you

I

you

deny will

it

be

it

was

sense.

But

will say

the beatings. Is this fair?"

wanted

I

wasn't

And

to

nod

my

head, but

crazy to question

I

wasn't

If

it?

I

I

what would happen?

said no,

craziness to expect anything but craziness from them?

it

makes no sense," I said. "You realize "Of course," Belov said. "That is why

that."

"It

other way. Except

how

long,

you

we send you back Here

die.

—

— and

it

is

no

know

signed.

I

strange, returning

back there

was

from

Room And

in the night.

knew

I

I

I

was

— and

was taken back.

I

178 before dawn. it

was awful

It

It

was

was strange going

living with the

Parasha

getting out.

getting out, wasn't I?

Another month passed. Belov called me as

works. There

in time, I don't

sign."

Belov called for the guard

when

made no

didn't. It

very formal

before,

—

out.

It

was

dressed up in his medals, his

the

same

manner

amiable.

"Comrade Herman, good

evening. Please

sit."

I sat.

"It distresses

me

to tell you, but the

court says insufficient material. "I

am

that I told

sorry too,"

him

I

said.

I

am

paper was sent back. The

sorry."

"What do

the daily production for a

I

do now? Could we add

week?"

"No, no, no," Belov said, "that would never do. Tell me, you

were the captain of the American Village basketball team, no?" I

nodded

my

head.

"Very good. Then

I

will write here that

Pavlova team, and that you told

Again

I

said,

"That makes no sense.

There was no score."

your team played the

Engineer McCarthy

We

the score."

never played Pavlova.

VICTOR HERMAN

^181

"Exactly," Belov said. "Is this not what foolish? Something I

will write

you can dismiss with

and you

it

of your

hand? Here,

will sign."

signed.

I

"Very good," Belov it

we want? Something

wave

a

said,

and he took the paper and returned

middle drawer.

to the

He

stood up and

my

followed him,

stood up too.

I

He walked

to the

eyes drawn to the blue corner as

door and

moved

I

I

across

the floor.

"Very good," he

money? To For the

done

streetcar,

It

was

to

me.

said again at the door.

home when we

return

perhaps?"

Herman,

I

my

home."

drawing out

said,

you perform

will see

nodded

I

— those

said. "I'll get

I

"Very good," he

—you have enough? hands — what they had

put his hand into his pocket.

That hand

incredible.

"Not necessary,"

He

"You have enough

you

release

at

his

hand. "So, Comrade

Spartak, yes?"

head, and with that Belov opened the door, and

— head down, hands behind back, no walked seem so bad anymore — and when

the guard took over

the locker didn't

I

seem so bad,

Cell 39, that didn't

they

moved me out

my

under

noise.

of there.

I

And

after the

happened so

fast,

morning

the soap

was

into bell, still

arm.

They walked me down It

It

either.

But

was

was

and put me

to the first floor

in Cell 18.

really happening. alive

For the

— and

first

I

was

getting out!

time in a long while,

I

thought of

my

father.

I

thought of Leo and Miriam and Sam. I

thought of

my mother

what was happening have liked

And tested

to

for

— and

— and

that

she,

day

too.

I

wanted

to tell

most of

all,

was the one

—

him

see that

someone I

would

tell.

my

that I

father,

I

thought

let

proved myself a man.

I

have been

COMING OUT OF THE

ICE

182

THIRTY-TWO was

I

39 somewhat

in Cell

Parasha

—

muzzle,

men and

than a year, sixteen

less

the

a block of air and sixteen frozen men, silent behind the

in this position

or that one.

men

—and

made one more. There were makeshift cots there, three, four, and men all over, on the cots, under the cots, all over the floor, on wooden tiers that went up to the ceiling. In Cell 18, 137

I

But there was no position here, neither one out that you slept in shifts

could sleep, and

— and

so long as

hands were, and you could

sit

it

it

was worked

was your

shift,

you

where you faced or where your

didn't matter

it

— and

—

any way you wanted

to

or could

manage.

There was only one place

man. He was on the his

tier right

bowels never stopped running,

came out

stop, then gas

But

had

to

my

keep

fellow over me.

But then

at all.

him.

He had

I

place on

had

I

to

little

keep that or better,

sick

and

belches of watery stool.

him

couldn't get to

I

sick,

could see Janssen, one of the

under the

the floor

saw Janssen

he was very

seemed, and when they did

it

I

was a place under a

it

me and

instead of the

couldn't get another place.

I

Americans from the Village, but I

and

free

above

have no place to

I'd

and

didn't

I

away.

right

with the sick

tier

want

lie

down

go over to

to

bubbles of blood coming out of his mouth. His

little

were pressed together and every so often some bubbles would appear. He fell over late that first day, and I asked about him when lips

he did. Nobody knew night of

somebody

why

said the

them had punctured a

American had broken lung.

But by

see

near

even though

it

was near the

It

was a big one, the Parasha

it.

But

waste, one

it

and a foul gas

the other. But his

that proclaimed the

The food? The same

—but

a

that

it.

I

got his place It

was

pot.

in Cell

was worse being under the

way or

they did

front near the door.

that

better,

—but

and maybe one

ribs

that time they'd taken Janssen

— and you could he was dead when put me up when they took him — and out

why

or nobody would say

1

8

— and

sick

man.

it

It

was bad being was

all

human

you could smell the sickness

in,

headway death's work made.

man

could

talk,

and

if

he wanted

VICTOR HERMAN move around, although you might

he could

could stay

man

in

it

183

.

and

shift

or against a wall

if

your place. But you

lose

yourself around, or lean against the next

you could

and some men some-

get to one,

times had the cots.

There was the same

— and

door

some

light got

was

It

— and

— and say — and

anyway

Sometimes

easier to tap.

went the way

I

was

It

I

me

did

it,

Room

called

always went

I

—

me

better

it

always listened.

I

now

to.

you

that

out.

locker

in the

the van.

in

178 again. But there was a difference

— and

it

with excitement.

my

in

might be released

this very

day

"What's this?" Belov

"The prisoner,"

in daylight!

Clearly this

Wasn't there some likelihood

favor.

—

indeed, from this very

The guard knocked and Belov opened

room?

tne door.

said.

the guard said.

Belov

"I did not call for him,"

He

and

reason

less

month they

must mean something I

made

the difference

This interview was going to take place

that

was shorter and

it

actually talk.

Just short of a

filled

18

through the top.

But there wasn't much to could

always going, a bulb over the

light here,

a muzzle also, but in

all different,

was

it

was

there

said.

"He does

come

not

here.

goes to court. Take the prisoner to court."

To

me

court! Everything in

soared.

Was

this true?

—

To

court?

I wanted to run all the way wanted to run would this error mean that would miss Would be late? My * my moment? That my case would have to be rescheduled? That my I

back to the van.

I

plea

would not be heard

You

move it. "To

still

are feeling well,

"Just fine,"

Come

for

another month?

day, Comrade," Belov said to me. "It

"Good see you.

I

,

on,

I

I

said. felt

court?"" the

I

is

very good to

hope?"

"Thank you,"

I

said.

"Good

to see

you too."

like screaming into the guard's face

guard

said.

"The prisoner goes

—

let's

to court? Right

now?" "But of course," Belov Citizen

Herman

"Then said.

I

said,

and smiled. "They are expecting

in court."

will see that

"Right now."

he

is

taken there. Comrade," the guard

COMING OUT OF THE doT Belov

"Yes,

ICE

said,

hoped would be something

184

still

like a

laboring with what

human

I

imagined he

smile.

"Head down, hands behind back, no noise," the guard said to me as he marched me back down the hallway, his revolver out and

down at his side, no different from how things were whenever moved me from place to place. They put me back in the locker and the van pulled away from the white building on Vorobevka Street, and when they let me out we were back at the prison again but when they took me out and marched me across the yard, we entered a different building. I could it was chiefly the tell we were in one of the jails for criminals now

held they

—

—

noise that signaled the difference.

They walked me up Cell 21. The noise in

of

then

I

to the

It

was

the place

was

realized that the place

open somewhere.

second f^oor and stopped

was summer

terrific

airy

and

— and

that

and the

again,

me

in front

the light

— and

windows must be jail

was cool and

not unpleasant inside.

A new guard was going on

—

I

first

unlocking the door of Cell 21 when what was

began to

that noise

and

air

and

must have been dreaming and by

all

said.

I

"This

isn't

the court. Belov said take

to the court!"

"Shut up!" the guard

"Hold is

I

flush of happiness

light.

"Wait a minute,"

me

me.

register with

must have been overcome by the

it!" I

wrong here!" "Shut up!

He

I

said,

still

working the key

in the lock.

shouted. "I'm supposed to go to court! Something shouted. "What's

I tell

you

wrong here?"

to shut up!" the

guard

said.

pulled open the door.

"Inside!" he said. It

was

large, this cell

—

larger than Cell

18 in Spets Korpus.

There were berths around the walls, upper and lower decks

—and

Some of the berths many of the berths were free. But it was crazy, because I could see men lying on the floor, under the berths even though some of the berths on the first deck and many of them on the upper deck were unoccupied. Why were there men lying on there

was a small

table in the middle of the floor.

even had bedding

— and

the floor, then?

In this whole

men.

It

cell,

bigger than 18, there were only nineteen

was unbelievable.

After 39 and 18,

it

was unbelievable,

all this

space

— and

the

My father had

himself photographed

That's in

Sam on

the right

Russia, and here he

in is

in

1905.

1902. at a political meeting again,

second from the

four years later, at another meeting

left,

My

family before

we

left

Detroit— Leo, me, Rose, Sam, Rebecca. Miriam was not yet born.

This group picture

I'm in this

my

was taken aboard

the Leviathan. I'm third from the

cadet's uniform even though

was taken

just after a

auto workers at the plant.

meeting

of the

It

was

1936,

left in

and

chute-jumping.

woman's name.

I

I

the back row.

was teaching pararemember the

can't

above: Here's how

I

looked a month or so before

I

was

arrested.

me

above

right: Picture

finally

released from the camps.

left: f\^y

younger

taken of

sister Miriam,

two weeks

who became

after

I

was

a doctor

in

theU.S.S.R.

It

was

1949, the year

I

"married" Galina.

Galina

when she was

twenty-thre

vM":*;;

V

(>)

Kr.i

-.

.

yflOC IBEPErlrtt

M

.,

,

/«•

(

.or

'T•TrJ^o no iV&

r.

T-iai>«n

M

TvppilTfpHil

««cTxui«*ro

yi»

-

1]

A (»•«

This certificate

was

was given

to

me

to signify that

valid only in the district of Krasnoyarsk.

Galina and

me

in

Krasnoyarsk.

It

was

1949.

My firstborn and me

in

1

952.

I

was an

exile.

It

Svetlana not long after the three of us

This picture of Galina

got out of the chop-out.

in

1956.

She was

was taken by her parents

visiting

at

their farnn

in

Zikova Village. Svetlana

She was

in

Siberia.

The year was 1956. and very hungry.

four years old,

The boxing team coached in Eneseysk, Siberia. The first man holds the trophy we I

won

in

1954.

My cousin David Herman, the man lA/ho engineered my escape.

certificate warranting that was be awarded a lifetime pension of one hundred rubles monthly.

The

I

to

R During the time trying

my

when

the Soviets

— — -r^

were

every blandishment to secure

silence,

I

received

the

Jubali

ivas

The award made by The Supreme Soviet of

the

U.S.S.R.

N/ledal, "for

heroic labor."

in

connection with the

100th birthday of Lenin.

Su/emop


.

ers

while

Then

came

out,

»omo

loopini, or doing Victor came ouL

jumpiag a sitn.

JtMPS. EATING APPLE

I

filetic

the all

St

-ibed

ired in lled

He

desci Uni(

director of St. John's High Benjamin replaced has manager of the liquor

as

here.

C.

Forrest Braund

Lcca Laster Grlndall as cashier

re-

watched his plane soar dut of sight above the clouds. Tten came a radiogram saying he ias 24.800 feet up and Jumping. Aler a little I saw him through my "I

glasses, hurtling down with |he •peed of lightning. "I could see him turning htid over heels and spinning tow^d 'Why doesn't the paraclpte us. open?' the crowd murmuredk It didn't open until he waa lioo feat above the ground. Throtgh my glaases I could see him dong

"When he come down he waa eating an apple.

I 'I

to^d foipd

By Karl

)ionnes View Latest

H

ConrrtcM. 1SS», bv

LONDON. American,

Feb

von Wlegand I

nl>rr«al Service, ln«.

18.— Adventurous

Brlti-sh

and

German

airmen, aa well as White Russian officers, are offering their services

Emperor Hailie Selassie of Abyssinia, lion of Judah and king of the kings, In the threatened war between the descendant of to

King Solomon and Queen Sheba and lUly. it became known here Public enthusiasm In Italy U being stirred and imagination flred by legends about the gold mines of Solomon and Sheba and the Idea of a crusading conquest of ths Ethiopian empire, unconquered in 3,000 years— and excepting Japan the oldest unconquered country on the globe-

—

puM

It In my pocket when I the rip c«rd,' he aald. 'and tnre

Although Premier Mussolini this "no offlclally said he had

week

aggreaalve plans," news of Italian expeditionary forces actually starting for Abyssinia came somewhat aa a shock here and in Geneva.

Ras Tafari. now Emperor Sesuccessor to Menellk, Is national hero, Abyssinia's great who annihilated fen Italian army

lassie.

U'>*ii^^« of Babies

which under NRA."

have

McCarran declared he

artaen

I

t

;

;

ws