Coaching to the Human Soul - Vol 1

Table of contents :
Alan Sieler_Coaching to the Human Soul_Vol 1 (2003).pdf (p.1-295)
Alan Sieler_Coaching to the Human Soul_Vol 1 (2003).pdf (p.1-97)
2.pdf (p.98-195)
3.pdf (p.196-295)
coaching.vol1.p4.pdf (p.296-392)

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chapter 8

Basic Linguistic Tools for

Human

Possibility

1

The house of being The focus of

this

Chapter

is

the

linguistic tool of assessing. You

the linguistic process of judging and having opinions. Although a subset of declarations, because of its impact on the generation of reality, this linguistic process is worthy of a separate chapter. may

recall

that assessing

is

Martin Heidegger wrote, "language is the house of Being". Language shapes how we dwell in the world, it is the framework of our existence and has a huge impact on how we observe, which particular includes the meaning we live in". The foundations of our linguistic dwelling consist of the language of the in

communities regional,

we

were

state, national

born

into

(family, local community,

and global).

the history of interactions between people who Constituted communities, ways of being emerged that enabled individuals and groups to deal with the issues confronting them in their daily of being are held linguistically and living. These ways and social practices, emotionally, through historical discourses and in our individual and family life we develop our own unique Through

181

Coaching

to the

Human

Soul

ways of living within these discourses and practices. Assessmen have been central to this process. A vital part of our learning hac has been "taking on" the assessments of our community about hou. things should be done and how people should be. As an integral part of language, humans dwell

in

assessmente Assessments are one of the rooms in our "house of being". We can n be thought of as "producers" and "consumers" of assessments Using a double-negative, just as we can't not live in language. so we can't not live in assessments. Our daily living is one of bein

immersed

in

assessments

- our

own, and

the assessments of

Our daily living is one of interactingtrom a (largely) silent and hidden background of assessments, which constitute much of our listening. Our "in the moment" assessments come from others.

our

interpretations. As beings who dwell in assessments, and who are increasingly confronted with existential questions, another question is worth considering: "How well do our assessments serve us in designing the kind of lives we want individuallyand collectively?"Put in another way, "What sort of existential dwelling do we construct for ourselves through our assessments? If we view language as an active process of generating reality, one of the exCiting things existing

about

this process

assessments.

is

that we

do not have to be

We

the victims of our

have the capacity to utilise language to produce assessments that will better serve us in the creation of a more meaningful and fulfilling life and

We will now

individually

explore

in detail different

collectively.

features of the

linguistic

process ot assessing

Assessments as a subset of declarations

We observe or perceive the world from our inheritance. We are active upon the world through the linguistic In we use way

language. the previous chapter we saw that one of the key actions we employ in our use of language is the act of declaring.

We characterised this

as a process in which the words create the world. Assessments are a subset of declarations. Assessing is about judging, or evaluating, and forming opinions. To assess 1s to

182

Basic Linguistic Tools

for

Human Possibilityll

how some part of the 0orld is for us. Declaring it to be so makes it real for us. Our daily living is continually one of making what we will do, when we will do it, how we will doo iudgements it and who will be part of our activity. But we are also continually declare

of our activities and engagement iudgement about the quality how good or bad something is, what is right or with others wrong for us, what suits us and does not suit us, and what we in

-

others think about us. Much of this is done "beneath the conversations and repeating what was Surface" in our internal said earlier, is done at a lightning pace. To be human is to live in assessments. It is important to think

emphasise that although we make assessments in response to the people, events and circumstances we encounter in life, many of these

assessments already exist within us as part

of our

linguistic

structure.

In the process of growing-up, the

historical

discourses and

social

of our community, as well as the experiences that have been unique to our personal history, informed us about what was practices

and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate, etc. These opinions became part of us, constituting a central feature of our structure of meaning, and provide immediate reference points forhow we respond to situations. Our responses are already shaped good and bad,

right

by the judgements that are at the heart of the structureof meaning

and form a pre-understanding from which we observe, behave and communicate.2 For example, think of the in

we

which

live,

ready-made opinions you have about various members of your tamily, some of your friends, and people in your professional lite and how these influence your manner of observing and relating with them.

we can

the pre-eminence of listening. Assessments are an integral feature of our listening. Our opinions shape what we become aware of in the first place, and what that Again

means for us.

return

to

Our assessments

which includes what we see other words, assessments

is

drive our orientation to the world, for us. In possible and not possible us about how the world is to be

inform

observed

and acted upon. The words (and associated mood and

Dody) come

first, and

theworld follows.

183

Coaching to

the

Human

Soul

Reality

Assessiments

Figure 18.

AssessInents

generate reality.

ot Second-Order Observing our assessments is a vital part have the potential to run us, Our assessments always Learning. This will occur if we do not observe how the assessments we are of what is happening around us. living from form our impressions When this happens we do not "do language", but language "does 1s". In other words, we

do not

utilise

language as a technology

to

enhance our existence. However, through language we can observe how we are using language to shape reality for ourselves (Second-Order Learning). This enables us to be aware of the interpretationswe live in, but also how they influence our view of the world, which opens up the possibility for generating different and more constructive interpretations. Self-Coaching Exercise

G

Think of someone you do not get on particularlywell with. In

full

sentences,write

down three negative

assessments you have of this person. Reflect on how these assessments define the

have about your

How have you

relationship

with

this

reality

you

person.

declared "the world to be so" through

these opinions?

What happens to you

emotionally and bodily with these

judgements?

Ask yourself "How well are these assessments serving me (taking care of me) in generating more productive and constructivepossibilities?"

Perhaps you are okay with retaining these assessments, and then again, perhaps not.

Would you

like to shift these opinions?

How do you want linguistically

184

in

to be different

emotionally, bodily and your relationshipwith the other person?

Basic

What thoughts do you have about yourself and

how will you

Ontological

Linguistic

Tools for

Human Possibility

Il

creating this for

begin?

Coachingin action (11)

for ten years as a Human Resources Manager two major national organsations in Sydney and Melbourne.

Iocelyn had worked in

Although she had been very successful, she had this nagging that something more could be possible for her in her feeling working lite. She was not sure whether to remain in the corporate world or to set up her own business

and felt

blocked

in

deciding.

As the conversation unfolded she spoke of her disappointment at consistentlyhaving been passed over for more strategicHuman Resources positions

and continuing

in predominantly operational not roles. Although explicitly spoken by Jocelyn in the coach also began to listen to the possibility of conversation, the some key underlying assessments. After a while the coach sought permission to check out what she thought these assessments might

be and said, "I have

a hunch that there may be some important

you have been saying to yourself without realising it, and that these may well have been holding you back. Would it be okay if I checked these out with you?" "Based on what I have heard, it seems to Ihe coach continued, things

two important statements that are running and another is "T'm in the background. One is "I have to be nice" not as worthy as others". The coach reterred to specihc instances

me

that there could be

as the basis for her suggestion, and Jocelyn statements that had been agreed that these were background life. The coach also suggested running" for a large part of her statement which had been nat there was probably another key not strategic earned in the corporate context, this being "You're was definitely the case. enough", and Jocelyn replied that this about these coach continued, "The interesting things not know that we are saying Dackground statements is that we do over us, them to ourselves, and yet they have a remarkable power is 0r they are expressions of who we think we are and what in

the conversation

he

185

Coaching

to

the

HumanSoul

and shitting these three statements, along with important explorations around mood and body, was the basis for Jocelyn shifting her perspective on who she Was and what was possible for her in her professional life. possible for us in our

life."

Exploring

Statements are not just statements To

language is to continually be making statements, in both our internal and external conversations. But what is a statement? The act of stating is to express or utter thoughts in word and/or live in

gestures in our public as well as our private conversations Consider the following two sets of statements.

a computer company." "Apple

is

"Apple

is

the most

innovative company

in

the

computer industry." Sally plays netball for the Sydney Flames."

"Sally is the classiest player in the Sydney Flames netball

team." "John

is

two hundred

centimetres

in

John is

very

tall."

height."

This restaurant only

serves

vegetarian meals."

The food in is

always a

this

restaurant

delightful

combination of different vegetables."

What do we have

here in these statements? We can say that even though they are in ditferent columns, the statements in each pair are about the same theme or topic; that is, Apple computers, a in a netball food player team, John's height and the type of served in a restaurant.Although there are variations between the sentences in each pair, their formal, logical or grammatical structure On the surface we could take them to be looks identical. statements about what is". We could come to the easily conclusion that each statement describes the or properties

characteristics

186

of Apple,

Sally,

John and the restaurant.

Linguistic

Tools

for

Human Possibility

II

Basic

This would be the case it we were operating from the assumption of the traditional view of language that it describes

what

"out there"

is

how things are.

If

in

we

the world. Both appear to be describing looked at them from the traditional view

the world we could say that they are all that language describes of what exists. But are they? descriptions If we look at the statements in the left column we will find that

we can readily agree with. We can agree that

these are statements

a computer company, for it has an identity in the marketplace and we can verity that it manufactures computers. Even though we may not have heard of the Sydney Flames it can is

Apple

be quickly established whether or not we agree on their existence. We can agree about the existence of John. We can also be present measured, or accept someone else's word about share the perception of an his height. Finally, we can establishment being called a restaurant (that is, it meets our when

his height

for

criteria difference

is

what

constitutes a restaurant) and

what

between vegetarian and non-vegetarian food.

the

is

We could

probably agree that these statements are straightforward enough and we would be unlikely to disagree with them.

However,

if

we examine

can see that each

one

we

the sentences in the right column

has

a

qualifier

associated with

it

"innovative" for Apple, "classiest"for Sally, "tall" for John and We claim that our linguistic delightful" for the restaurant food. inheritanceteaches us to treat these as descriptions of the world,

and that the qualities referred to in each sentence are out in the world and are apparent for all of us to be aware of. This is

common

outin

sense.

If

we follow

front" innovativeness

of thinking, then Apple's of us to see, as is apparent for all

this line is

and the delightfulness of the classiness,John's tallness of these qualities food. If you happen not to be aware restaurant's can become that is alright because they are out there and you enlightened and aware of them. of only having the This may be one of the most insidious traps that the view of language. It results in us believing traditional a female, a male and a restaurant are qualities of a computer, that is, they are inherentlypart of properties which belong to them; and our them. This has profound implications for everyday living Sally's

187

to the

Coaching

Human

relationships.

and bad,

Soul

When we come to and

intelligent

talk

unintelligent,

about what fair

and

we

find

as pood

unfair, beautiful

and

too easy to fall into the assumption that we can deal with these notions objectively. The assumption is that what we fn as good, bad, etc exists as a property 1n what we observe. This carries with it the assumption that what we observe simply is and there is no need to even consider or question our observations. reality is out there, we have observed it and stated how it is. ugly,

it

is all

From an ontological perspective

it is critical

to

differentiate

between the types of statements listed in each of the columns. Central to distinguishing between the two sets of statements is to discard the fundamental assumption of our linguistic tradition the of is to describe purpose reality. When we that sole language adopt the interpretation that language is a technology for generating reality, we place ourselves in a ditferent position to see

how

these

two sets of

statementS are very different from each other. This can position us to be different and more powerful observers, expanding with the world.

our

flexibility

and adaptability to engage

What we are

looking at is a fundamental distinction in has profound implications for everyday living, language that especially what we see as possible and not possible in life and our with ourselves and each other. It is worth spending relationships some time to lay this out clearly, which involves spending a

moments

revisiting

the linguistic process of asserting.

Assertions

revisited

From the previous chapter you will be aware that the statements in the left column are assertions.Assertions are acts in linguistic

which "thewords follow the world". In other words, we observe somephenomenon in the world and then use a category or label to describe it, providing it with a common identity. The word common" is critical in the previous sentence, as we agree a shared

way ot reterring to something

-

to

common to all of u Therefore the words "computer" and "company"are examples or terms that have become a common way of referring to certa entities in

188

the world.

it

is

Tools for

Human Possibility

I1

Basic Linguistic

-

seen that there are three kinds of assertions true, What we call tacts are true assertions,ie, that false and pending. verified or accepted as true, We also saw that the act which can be assertion has a responsibility associated with it: if of making an for having acceptable evidence required, we are responsible to substantiate the statement. If say that "John is 205

We have

I

available

what I say, then if I want centimetrestall" and someone disputes statement I will need to provide evidence that to substantiatemy Tohn

is

the height

I

say he

is.

And

provide needs to needs to be socially

the evidence

I

more than what I consider to be evidence; it to conform to standards of acceptable evidence held acceptable, a community. Theretore in making an assertion I make myself be

by accountable for providing acceptable evidence that what

I

say

is

true.

In the previous chapter the idea that assertions operate within an existing space of social agreement was outlined.Consider three different types of communities within our society sporting, legal

-

set of distinctions, or as ways of terminology,acceptable to members of that community making factual statements. Within the sporting community about players' pertormances are commonly expressed assertions

and

scientific.

Each

community has a

average in baseball, and a batsman's average in cricket, average number of possessions a of a netball game for a footballer, the goal shooting average in statistics.

For example, a

hitter's

the figures Typically,we accept evidence.Within the scientific/research player.

sporting publications as community statements of

in

true it they conform to observed phenomena are accepted as being and methods of: (i) defining commonly held rules, procedures what is being investigated, (ii) gathering information, (ii) and (iv) being able to replicate the analysing that information, of requirements to research. This community has established a set for defining what is determine if statements satisfy the criteria the legal community, for true. What is acceptable as evidence in certain procedures having example in a court case, depends upon been followed, and this even within a country.

may

to country vary from country

and

refer to in assertions seem to exist We can think of these properties as independently of the speaker.

The properties

we

189

Coaching to the Human

Soul

-

they belong to all of us because community we agree to them, and they are also a part of us individually. The properties already exist as part of the language of the communit and there is consensus about what that language (ie. terms and existing within the

labels)

means. This

what

is

is

meant by the expression

*existing

space ot distinctions".

When we do not observe the linguistic process by which we come to establish what is true, we can all too casily fall into the trap ot accepting what of being the truth.

is

true as being true forever, and therefore

Self-Coaching Exercise Write

down five

H

true assertionsabout

someone you get on

well with.

Next write five true assertionsabout someone you do not have a positive relationship with. Finally,

Having

write

five

true assertionsabout yourself.

done

this it is

important to check that all of these are true assertions;ie, if called upon you could provide ceptable evidence.

Assessments The differencebetween assertions and assessments is that when we make assessments we are not pointing to existing agreements about properties,qualities etc. of a particular object or stubject. When we use qualities in making assessments, they are not sensoriallyevident for all of us to readily agree upon. For example, attributes,

in "Helen

a delightful person", "John is very clever", "Frankis and "Susan is hopeless" lazy", the qualities "delightful","clever" and are "hopeless "lazy" interpretations. With assertions,the linguistic distinctionswe use to speak of can be said to exist in the qualities community. With assessments, the qualities exist within the speaker. If I say "This is a terrible room for a conference, "terrible"is not an is

already

190

pre-existing

Basic Linguistic

Tools

for

Human

room. lerrible lves within me make this assessment based on the

Possibility 1

aranerty of the

cCessment. I oTeloped from

it

criteria

is

mv

have my experiences about what does and does not terrible" in regard to conference rooms. These criteria I

"

1stitute

Cons

are Dart of conference

my

and shape how I see the could make some assertions about

linguistic existence

room. Certainly

I

shape, etc. of the room. Other people may agree with the assertions, but they may not share the same assessment I have about the room. Thi is because we create meaning (ie, have assessments) about assertions. the colour, size,

The unfortunate

we

readily exists independently of the

fall

into

is

to assume that

speaker. The way we all too when qualities making assessments is to treat them as

terrible easily

trap

use

though they have a reality independent of my speaking them, and that they will be evident to everyone else. This well be the

we

simplest trap language.

and

it

is

We

may

into that produces a significant mis-use of have confused the application of linguistic tools, tall

like using

We can example.

pursue

a

hammer

this

We might

to insert a screw.

point a

make

further by looking at a simple two statements about Gail: (i) "Gail has little

brown hair" and (ii) "Gail has a lot of determination". Our has taught linguistic tradition- that language describes reality

-

us that determination belongs to Gail in the same way as dark hair does. We have been lulled into a way of using language that has

made us blind to

how we

ascribe qualities to people,

how we

characterisethem, as though those properties are inherently part of them. The qualities we ascribe to them exist in us, based on the

and standards we operate fro. When I observe Gail's behaviour and make the assessment that

criteria

she has a lot of determination,

I

compare

my observation

of

Gail's

for determination. My standards are else is yardsticks against which I judge whether someone between determined or not, and when I observe a match about SOmeone's behaviour and my criteria, my preterence within me, and a aetermination" is triggered. But it all exists and is that the qualities I desire Core part of my linguistic being exist in me as a set of linguistic admire in other people already of the criteria by which I pass aistinctions. When I am not aware actions with

my standards

191

Coaching to

Human

the

Soul

short step into assessing that my opinions about others are the truth that is the way they really are and it is verdicts

on others,

evident for the

rest

it is

a

-

of the world to see.

Standards and within

People,events,

Ascribe meaning

qualities

circumstances,

Impose standards/qualities

The

objects,

nature

Observer

Figure 19. Assessments:

a process

of ascribing

meaning

to

the world.

not to deny that many interpretations will be shared when people observe from the same standards. This enables us to coordinate meaning and have a shared understanding, a crucial This

is

basis for joint action.

Self-Coaching Exercise Refer back to the notes you took for Self-Coaching Exercise G.

Look

atthe assessments you made ofthe other person, and begin to distinguish the standards and criteria that are behind these assessments. The point of this exercise is not to judge if your standards and criteria are good or badare what are. can they they However, they give us some Vital clues as to key comparisons that are inherent within

our assessments-how others compare with our standards.

Having identified

the standards, consider if they are suitable for thecircumstance and if you want to stand

by

them. Are your standards too rigid and tightly defined? Perhaps there is a way of maintaining them, but holding them in an emotional sense? differently

192

Linguistic

Possibly one of the most important and more powerful observer different

Tools

for

HumanPossibility

ways we can become

1I

Basic

a

to be willing to (i) that the our entertain assessments of others posSibility say more about us than they do about them, and that (ii) they are hvpotheses to be continually tested and evaluated. This involves a and openness to explore the standards we willingness apply when we judge others. Having these standards is an essential part of being human, but when we are blind to their existence there is the trap of wanting the rest of the world to conform to our personal standards. It this does not happen then we make the world invalid,

is

which includes invalidating and dismissing others.

Commitment and responsibility Our assessments are a core teature of our interpretations. Any assessment autonatically commits us to a particular interpretation of a situation as a action. The assessment is preparation for part of our already and automatic listening. As it will be accompanied by a particular contiguration of emotions and body posture, we are automatically predisposed to how we will

Our interpretations drive our and hence the behaviours, importance of observing and questioning them in the process of Second-Order Learning. If we do not observe our and related assessments, then the listening mechanisms of our behaviour can be on automatic Our observe/interpret circumstances.

pilot.

can end up running us. When we are making assessments the social is to responsibility be ableto substantiate our opinions and judgements. This is called grounding assessments, and will be outlined later in the chapter. interpretations

Why do we make assessments? Iou

may remember the question "Why do we make assertions? Was addressed, and the response was that assertions provide us solid reference with points and a sense of certainty and stability. We make assessments for the same reason. In The Elusive Obvious, renowned body therapist Moshe reldenkraisstates that the nervous system continually seeks order. 193

Coaching to

the

Human

Soul

The organism... if

it

is

to exist."

needs constancy, order, invarianCe, homeostasis Assessments are a fundamental means by which

They enable us to develon and remove us from the anxiety that Consistency in our observing can accompany continued uncertainty and absence of predictOtherwise our world would be one of continual chaos.

We

create a sense of order and

certainty.

ability.

far too much for us to contend with uncertainty and complexity, and interacting with others. in getting on with our daily living They provide us with a certain amount of assuredness about how the world is, how it will continue to be and provide important

Signposts tor who, what and how we engage with the world. Assessments can make life much more tolerable. Yet they can also produce incredibleblindness,significantly block learning, and be

a major

source of suffering.

Assessments are an

teature of our exstence

as a dimension to our temporal beings. There is always temporal are this that our assessments made in the assessments, being present, based on the past, for the sake of the future.Let's look at integral

the following example to demonstrate this: "John is lazy". In the past I observed John's actions from my standards of what lazy, and judged him to be lazy. When I the present I observe and judge him from my past experiences of him. And unless I observe a shift, his actions still match my standards of "laziness Now I have labelled John as being lazy, and can easily fall into the trap that it is a property of John, not a reality I have generated

constitutes lazy and not observe him

in

about him trom

have generalised,so that I have an about which can easily become my "truth", set in John, identity about how is. concrete, John What has my assessment got to do with the future? My assessment has a bearing on the type of relationshipI want to have

my standards.

I

and how willwant to interact with him. I may be happy to have a drink with him, but I am unlikely to want to work on the same project team with him. I relate to him through the identity I have developed of him, which is the of with

John

I

type character assess him to be. Therefore, I have built a in reality about John the future. I "know" what he will be like, so I can make

I

predictions about his behaviour, and therefore I

194

"know" what

is

Basic

Linguistic

Tools for

Human Possibility

him. In short, ny assessments continually inform me ossiblewith ahout wlhat is possible and 1ot possible in my participation with others.

By regarding language as a technology, with a

set of tools

we cannot escape accepting we make and how we express do not describe how things or people

available to us to shape reality, for the assessments responsibility them. They are ours, they are, and

we

generate

them from our standards.

We accept this

when we

seek to ground our responsibility assessments, that and be accountable provide substance for them.

is,

to

another element ot responsibilityworth emphasising. If I regard my opinion about John as "the truth", and do not observe it as an interpretation,and I express my opinion to others, I begin to create an identity about in the eyes of others. If John There

is

listen to what I am saying as they grant authority, they will the truth" about the type of character John is. If they have not had any experiences with John they may well begin to observe him

me

through

my

assessment,

a position of speaking and the listening of

especially

if

I occupy

authority.Therefore, through my John has been generated. Reality definesthe others, a reality about wvhat is possible. space of

At

point it is important to be clear and emphasise that assessments is an integral aspect of our being; repeating

this

making what was said

earlier

orientation here

is

-we cannot help making

not that the

assessments.

linguistic process

The

of making

assessments is either good or bad, or right or wrong (which itself 1S an assessment!).It just is. A potentially more useful perspective can be provided

by the following question:

assessmentsof others enable us to create what happier,

more meaningful and

"How well do our is

important

to

lead

more fulfilling lives?

Authority 1ssue of authority is relevant with assessments, but in a aifferent way to declarations. As assessment-making machines,

he

have the authority to form our opinions and judgements, which we can do in our silent and private conversations, but not ecessarily to express them. Expressing these assessments is we

all

195

Coaching

to the

Human

Soul

another matter.

"Do the social

we can ask ourselves is An important question ind ourselves provide in which we

circumstances It is all too a space of permission' to express our assessments? our assessments. be rather free with expressing easy tor us to them around carelessly, devoid which can be likened to throwing be listened to. of any responsibility for how they may us, but by others. A space of permission will not be defined by and this space does not exist, we run If we express our assessments not only the relationship, but also our the risk of identity.

damaging When someone says to another person,

"When

want that there was they are indicating I

your opinion I will ask for it" not a space of permission for the statement. us from actively seeking to However, this does not preclude to say, and create such a space. If we have something important

we assessthat it could be of benefit to others, it is important to do some "spadework" to create a context in which we can be listened the lines of to. In a conversation this may go something along "Look I know it is probably not my place to say something about but I have observed some things which I am this situation, concerned about and these?" This

is

where

I

you would be interestedto hear our important to be clear about whether

wonder

it is

if

assessments are grounded or ungrounded. The notion of "space of permission"

indispensable in the coach will form many is

ethics of Ontological Coaching. A interpretationsabout the coachee in the course of a conversation.

However, the coach does not have automatic authority to speak his or her assessments. At all times the coachee's dignity is at to be stake, and an integral feature of Ontological Coaching is continually seeking the coachee's permission to open up new directionsin the conversation. to respect and encourage the authority of the coachee in the conversation. There is a continual risk that a coach can It is vital

by the "brilliance" of his or her "insightful wisdom", and emotionally hold the truth about how the coachee is and what is best for them. Some key questions we

become

deluded

encourage

coaches to have in the background of their conversation are "For thesake ofwhat do I want to say this?" and "What concerns will be taken care of by my speaking?" Without these, the coach

can

196

Basic

Linguistic

Tools

for Human Possibility

the trap ot arrogance, and speaks to take care of his or her to serve not the coachee. concerns, From the perspective of Ontological Coaching, humility is assessed to be an indispensable emotion for coaching. This is covered in Volume III, Ontological Coaching as Artistry Stepping outside of coaching for a there is into

fall

moment,

another

aspect of authority and assessments worth considering. This authority we grant to others' assessments; the credence

we

in

the

weight and

give to their opinions. In

nature of our relationships with others space

is

which

we

many

will

circumstances

the

provide an emotional

grant authority to others children, this in relation to our parents, and it can also occur in working relationships or in situations in which we are learning from someone. The nature of assessments.

automatically

As young

we did

the relationship may mean that it is important to grant a lot of authority to the assessments of other people, which can be an important source of learning.

However, which

this

can also be a subtle and powerful process in authority to others, and

we unknowingly give away our

automatically and unquestioningly listen to their assessments as being true assertions and unquestionable facts. When this occurs, we elevate them to the status of "gospel" or the truth. Assessments we took on board many years still be with

ago

us,

and even

when people are dead we may

may

still

find ourselves

giving authority to their assessments from the grave. In this we process haveinvalidated ourselves; ie, not held ourself asa legitimate self. We are not saying that we should never grant authority to others' opinions. What is important is that we choose whose assessments we want to be important.

Tou

may recall from the coaching conversation in the previous chapter that Joyce was asked why she was giving away her authority to other members

of the family. This

a very important will listening of an ontological coach, as a coachee clement locked in or she a particular Way of Being unless he remain their as a legitimate and valid human being. authority is

of the

197

Coaching to the Human

Soul

Ontological

Coaching

in action (12)

Before moving on to considering in more detail the pivotal role of will be worth assessing in the generation of reality, it looking at another coaching example.

Malcolm has a senior position in a major serviceorganisation and was referred for coaching about poor relationships with his work colleagues,including the CEO. He had been passed over for promotion, although the CEO said that Malcolm was "brilliant" and had "enormous potential". Malcolm was offered the opportunity for coaching, which he accepted. An initial meeting was held between the CEO, Malcolm

and the coach to ensure mutual understanding of the context of coaching, and gain clarity about satisfactoryoutcomes from the coaching sessions.In Ontological Coaching there 1s an emphasis on engaging the coachee as a learner. A coaching conversation is a

"

conversation for learning, and

if the coachee is not fully there" as learner then the coach will be of limited service. This initial meeting was an important part of this process. This report is a

summary of three separatecoaching conversations with Malcolm.

When

the coach and Malcolm

first

met she wanted

to

confirm

Malcolm's learning orientationto the conversation. Malcolm was asked what he wanted to gain from the which he said

was to improve

his

coaching, relationshipswith people and not jeopardise

his career through poor relationships. ungrounded assessment (hunch) that

The coach had an

perhaps Malcolm was paying lip service to the concerns of the CEO and would go through the motions in their time together. In the coach's experience, some people in organisations have an initial attitude that the coach is going to install a strategy" that will improve things, and they will not have to engage much or change. In this situationthe coach was not sure if Malcolm only wanted to make sure he was promoted, and was not interested in long term sustainable learning to improve his working relationships. Malcolm was asked which of the CEO's assessments about his relationship difficulties he agreed with and did not agree with. Malcolm said he mainly agreed, and that he could see it was important to improve. Something was still at

nagging"

198

the

coach, and her "gut" right. (Intuition

a

was telling

Tools for

Human Possibility

her that something did not part of Ontological

feel

Coaching, Emotional Learning and explored in Volume Ontological Coaching.) So she asked Malcolm, "Do you feel understood, valued and appreciated by people around here?" An immediate visible change came over Malcolm's face, as his head and body slumped slightly forward and downward.He said that and

is

very mportant

Linguistic

II

Basic

l,

is

he didn't feel thatpeople understood him, that they regarded him as a bit moody, a bit secretiveand a bit of an odd ball. The coach asked what reasons others would have for having these opinions of him. Malcolm offered a few brief thoughts and then into

lapsed continue during which Malcolm appeared tense and agitated. After about a minute she silence.

The coach allowed the silence to

asked Malcolm, "What's happening with you now?" He looked at her and said,*I might as well get it off my chest and tell

you." sought reassurance that the conversation was The coach replied it was and that any feedback she confidential. gave to the CEO would first be checked with Malcolm. He then said, "I don't want anyone to know about this. I know I'm Malcolm

and people think that I'm a bit strange, and think I've got some sort of a disorder." Malcolm replied that he experienced a lot of ups and downs with his moods, mainly a lot of downs". Malcolm continued, "To be quite honest, I think I have probably different

I

got bipolar disorder."

The coach then asked, "How did you come to form this of opinion yourself?" Malcolm replied that nobody had directly told him, but he had reached this conclusion from a magazine article that he had read on people diagnosed with disorder bipolar

(manic depression).

The coach suggested to Malcolm that if he were so concerned it would be worthwhile to seek a professional probably opinion.Malcolm said he had thought about it but was scared he would be diagnosed with the disorder. The coach paused and gathered her thoughts. She was very aware that she did not want to "play therapist", for it was not her domain. She wanted to make sure that she dealt with this situation responsibly,and that it not be to coach him if she felt that he would be nay appropriate Deter served a by psychologist or a psychiatrist. Nevertheless, she

then

199

Coaching

to

the

Human Soul

had a hunch that she could be of service to Malcolm, and was So she said to Malcolm, "Td like to Willing to proceed cautiously. see it can be of assistance, andI want to acknowledge that I

for

me to

say that I therapy is not my speciality. It is important and if I think want to be clear about the boundaries of coaching, we are going beyond them I will say so and recommend someone else to support you. Are you happy tor us tO proceed on that her. basis?" Malcolm said he was and that he trusted

In the coach's

had taken an assessment true assertion, but also as the

Malcolm

listening,

bipolar disorder") not only as a truth about who he was. She felt that

there was a

possibility

that

for himself that was getting in the

Malcolm was creating a reality way of having better working relationships. The coach asked, *What effect does this belief that you have bipolar disorder have on your working relationships?" Malcolm said he was not sure, but he

felt

that he was very

The coach then

different

to everyone

else.

Malcolm the difference between assertions and assessments, and then asked him how he was living" having bipolar disorder. Malcolm had no hesitation is of "truth", saying that he was living this as a fact. The notions seeing ourselves as a "fixed property", and being "permanently flawed" as a person were then outlined. Malcolm's response was "Tve been thinking that there is something wrong with me, and outlined

to

against me." After some further questioning he could see that he had created a reality about how others were viewing him, how they would view him, and that he that others

will

find out and use

it

could not trust them.

A

made on how Malcolm was inadvertently reality in language. The coach then asked him,

start had been

generating his "Deep down inside yourself,what

a person? time

in

do you think about yourself as

there was one underlying sentence that runs all the the background that defines the sort of person you

are, what

If

sentence? With very little hesitation, Malcolm repliedThat I'm not good enough." He was invited to speak about how, when and where he might have learned to think about he to some family and himself this way, which related school was then asked how this negative judgement experiences. He about himself made him feel. He replied, "Pretty shithouse". In

200

is

that

Linguistic

Tools for

Human Possibility

I1

Basic

had assessed that Malcolm was living in which is an resentment, ongoing deep background a mood of A mood is of anger. something that persists and emotional state how the world is viewed. The coach outlined a influences "Basic Moods of Life", which included their framework called of being, and how we view and engage with impact on our ways rhe world and relate with others. (See Volume II, Emotional Learning and Ontological Coaching for the pivotal role of moods Malcolm agreed that resentment was a in Ontological Coaching.) the coach her observation

prevalent nmood

in his

life.

Malcolm was asked if he would be interested to explore his basic assessment of "I'm not good enough" a little further.He was taken through the procedure tor grounding

assessments

(see

Appendix C), in which he was unable to ground this core negative assessment of himself. After doing this he was silent for a long

moment, and then turned to the coach and said, "So I don't have to be depressed any more?" The coach said that in her understanding he now had a choice, given that he had an additional understanding about himself and his Way of Being. She continued,

"WhatI have wanted

to

do

in

our conversations

is

provide you with an opportunity to gain a perspective on your Way of Being and how that has impacted on your relationships.If you want, I can support you to make continued beneficial shifts in your Way of Being so that you feel better about yourself and improve your Malcolm was keen to continue. relationships."

The coach then switched the focus of the conversation to the domain of the body, providing Malcolm with distinctions to observe how his negative self-assessment and mood of resentment were "held" in his body configuration. This was coupled with him about small and important shifts that he could make coaching in his mood and body. He was also asked what primary

to have of himself. His reply was. Nothing big deal, just basically that I'm okay I'm normal and there's nothing wrong with me." The coach invited him to Consider if the words "valid" and "worthwhile" would be assessment he would

like

important to have

his statement, which he liked. Malcolm

in

and nally put together a statement "I'm a valid, worthwhile keable person". The coach invited him to consider a couple of

201

Coaching to the Human

Soul

additions: "I'm

a valid,

and lovable person worthwhile, likeable

not perfect and is a learner". Malcolm incorporated thec coach's suggestion to get "into suggestions and then accepted the and to speak the a solid, valid, worthwhile and lovable body" This was followed up hu statement as a declaration to the coach.

who

e

is

rehearsals" of work conversations with different colleagues in which hewasinteracting froma "different" body. The three sessionswere followed up with a phone conversation with Malcolm two weeks later, and then two face-to-face with Malcolm and also meetings. One was a "check-in session" with Malcolm and the CEO. Both agreed that substantial positive shifts

had occurred in

his

working

relationships.

Self-assessments

One

of Being is that we have opinions about ourselves, sometimes tavourable and sometimes not so favourable. We continually live in language and this occurs central aspect of our

linguistic

Way

not only externally with our speaking, but also internallyin the form of our private and silent conversations with ourselves. It is these silent conversations which contain important clues to the opinions we hold of ourselves. In our internal conversations are saying what we really think and feel about ourselves,what

can and cannot do, and what

Our self-assessments also

possible for us in our lives. have a major influence on how

we we

is

we

develop and maintain relationships.They will also have a huge bearing on how we deal with the vicissitudes of life- the trials and tribulations, ups and downs of everyday living. Our seltassessments are at the heart of our Way of Being, observing and of the linguistic process of how behaviours they are core part we bring forth reality. This is succinctlyexpressed in the saying "We don't see the world as it is, we see it according to how we are"

a

Observing the opinions we have of ourselves, and fully being aware of them, is a major step towards engaging in Second-Order Learning and becoming a different and more powerful observer Observing our self-assessments provides an important way to understand who we are and how come we are the way we are in our everyday dealings with others.

202

Basic

20

Linguistic

Toolsfor Human

Possibility1

the cruCial role selt-assessments play in we could call our "internal aning what sh reality" (about who wve we could and should be, and what we are capable of), and L this determines what constitutes "external reality" for us. Our can be of asour reality thought interpretationsof "how the extern "what is and in our world is" participation in life. Figure

illustrates

ho

possible

What

do

Who

am

I

Who

should

I

I

should be Reality

Self-

(what

assessments

and

is

is

not

possible)

How

could

I

What Figure

What I

be is possible

20. Self-assessments:

for

can

do

me key determinants of what

constitutes

reality.

Structural determinism again Chapter on Listening, the idea was introduced that, as living systems, humans are structurally determined systems. You may In the

recall

that according to the concept of structuraldeterminism

the major determinant of what is real, not so occurrence of events in the world. This concept does not

our structurethat

much

the

is

it

is

it deny thatevents happen, but is not the events per se thatare real, structure 1S the meaning we make of them. It is the nature of our that determines how we will observe and respond to events and

Circumstances.Reality and meaning lives within The Observer. A central aspect of the structure of humans is our linguistic we "live in". Looking Structure, in particular the interpretations means to go to the heart of dEl-assessments provides us with a think and feel indicatewhat structure, for these DOut ourselves,and what is possible and not possible in lite. Self aSsessmentsare expressions of the human soul. mean that we are fixed entities

gustic

we

tructural determinism does not we always have un no choice in how we respond. Theoretically we unconsciously choose at the moment of response

ebut

203

Coaching to

the

Human Soul

the

way we have

we do not have to be stuck with the and reacting. Our nervous system is not

learned. But

same ways of responding a fixed and unchanging entity.

Biologists

use the term

"plasticity"

change and alter to express the capacity of the nervous system to adapt to its structure. Living systems have the capability indicates that ditferent circumstances, and successtul adaptation learning has occurred. We are not stuck with our assessments of others and the world. to

and

we

are not stuck with self-assessments. But unless

we

are

to continually inquire about willing to be learners who are curious our assessments and how well they serve us, we will limit the ways

we can

our

alter

engage and Working

linguistic

interact

structure, and therefore

how we

can

with the world.

an indispensable his or her selfcomponent of Ontological Coaching, especially assessments, and more particularly core negative self-assessments. with the coachee's assessments

is

Working with core negative self-assessments is coaching to the coachee's soul. These assessments are at the heart of the linguistic structureof meaning that the coachee lives in. They form the deep are central to how listening and deep meaning of their existence, the coachee defines himself or herself as a possibility tor participating in life.

An

ontological coach

is

an acute

listener to

the

(predominantly unstated) negative self-assessments by which iminish themselves and hold themselves back. Negative self-assessmentscan be subtle and powerful ways we all sabotage ourselves in the artof living. If you refer back to previous examples of Ontological Coaching

in

action,you

will

how

see

exploring core

negative assessments and selt-assessmentswas an important part of many of the conversations.This is not to say that this has to bea feature of every conversation. The point is that it the coach to be alert to in his or her listening.

Learning

Where do we

is

a key area for

self-assessments

get our self-assessmentsfrom? Were we born with them? It would seem not. Rather it would seem that we learned them as part of growing up. This learning was a linguistic and emotional process in which key assessments became embodied.

204

Basic

As voung people growing up elders reachers,

we

Linguistic

granted

Tools

for

Human Possibility I

much authority to our

sisters, aunts, uncles. parents, Brandparents, brothers, were influential hese people in our network of etc.

They continually instructed us, both directly and about acceptable ays of being and about what acceptable social practice in the relationshipsnetwork

relationships. indirectly, constituted that

much of our sOCial existence.

comprised

it was important to adapt to the As biological entities which we found ourselves. In this process of environment in we were attentive to the verbal and nonverbal

adaptation

of people who we came to identify as being important significant others. We learned what these expressions

expressions

tous

meant and, as a

result,

developed a

way of listening.

In wanting to

and approval, and have positive relationships gain acceptance essential for adapting and surviving, it was natural that we would attend carefully to many of the opinions of these people. about us and how we should be. The development of our feelings about our legitimacy, worthiness, were inextricably bound lovability and validity as a human being Especially

their opinions

up with how

we took on many of these opinions. Of course, in taking on these opinions we did not see them as assessments.It was as if they seeped into us, or we soaked themn up, without being aware of them. And although we did not consciouslyreflect on the linguistic process we were involved in, how did we come to regard many of these opinions? The claim is but that we not only unconsciously regarded them as assertions, also as the truth. How could we do otherwise, as we had very little choice? When we were young we granted enormous authority to had to do that as part of the significant others in our life, and we adapting to our environment.

Others

Facts

assessments

of me

about

Figure 21. Self-assessments

me

The

truth

about

me

being held as the "truth"

205

Coaching to

the

HumanSoul

Obsolete negative self-assessments The

we were exposed linguistic soup" in which we existed. assessments

to have been It

is

from

part of the

this linguistic

soup or that each of us developed our "core assessments "primary assessments" about who we are and how we should /could be. It was very relevant and necessary for us to take on these assessments as part of growing up and learning to be part of a community. But, of

we were

very rarely aware of these core assessments, we were blind to them, even though it was how we learned to define Course,

who we were and how we should and could engage with the world. Eventually we grew up and left behind many of these relationships and communities, forming new relationships and new communities. Typically though, our previous relationships left a legacy: the definition of who we are and how joining

we

should/could be.

Many

of the assessments

we took on

served

us well, for they have had a big part in us being where we are today. However, many of them are no longer relevant to us and the hopes and desires we have for the future they are obsolete and have passed their "use by date".

-

Unfortunately though, our negative selt-assessment have an existence as silent and "sneaky" background declarations,like continually running tapes that underpin all our other conversa tions (both internal and external). They shape how we observe and listen to the world, and they reinforce the dissatistactions we experience in life. In many ways we could say that our core assessments are atthe heart of our being. They are associated not only with emotions, but also moods, and we embody them. Our obsolete negative self-assessments are a major source of our suffering and the limitationswe unwittingly impose on our selves. Karen Hall provides an excellent example in her novel Dark Debts, when describing the suffering of the main character.

"He wondered

if

this information

that had always puzzled him

might explain a lot of things

-chiefly

the factthat he'd always felt bad person without knowing why. He'd always felt that something was fundamentally wrong with him. At the same time, he'd always liked himself, which made him feel guilty for liking a bad person" (italics added).4 like a

206

Basic

Linguistic

Tools

for

Human Possibility I

Self-Coaching Exercise Write

down

two-three particularly negative assessments

you have of yourself. .Reflect on how these assessments define the relationship you have with yourself. yourself "How well are these assessments serving me (takingcare of me) in generating more productive and

Ask

constructivepossibilities?"

.Whatpossibilities

do these assessments open up for you?

What possibilities

are not available to you from these

assessments?

.Howhaveyou declared

"theworld to be so" through

these opinions:

What happens

to you emotionally and bodily with these

judgements?

What

emotions are assoCiated with these assessments?

How

are these negative assessments

Are you interestedin moving

reflected

in

your body?

beyond the limitationsof

these assessments?

Becoming a different and more powerful observer is about it is becoming less blind to the negative self-assessmentswe carry; be about being willing to be a learner and open ourselves to aware them and it of these "sneaky conversations". Many of us have aoes not mean that there is anything wrong with us. This is a point worth dwelling on.

A

vicious linguistic spiral

there is a danger when we have a negative opinion of ourselves What do we nat this can develop into a "vicious linguistic spiral". nean by this expression? A negative self-assessment, something like "I the first link in a chain of always mess things up", can be 207

Coaching to

the

Human Soul

negative assessments that end up with us regarding ourselves . as interior being, tundamentally flawed as a person and an who is stuck with being that way forever.(In the language of email, wa can hold ourselves as being "a permanently and fatally flawed error"!) An example

is

contained

in

the following diagram.

"People will think

I'm

T'm

I'm

stupid

hopeless at this"

stupid"

"I'm

dumb -I

I'm

I

can't

change"

never get it

permanently flawed"

right"

I'm

But this is

a set

an

There's

inferior

something

being"

wrong with me"

feature

of me"

"Tm flawed as

need

a

person

fixing"

Figure

22.

Negative

Ontological Ted

was a

self-assessments

and a

vicious

linguistic

spiral.

Coaching in action (13)

very successful consultant

who

had worked with

several global consulting companies, and had recently established his own consulting practice. In the conversation the coach coach heard heard

Ted say the words "trained" and "professional" a number ot times, and after a while said. "Td like to check something outi 208

a2It

seemsto me

Tools

for

Human Possibility

I1

Basic Linguistic

that you are saying to yourself "I'm not a led agreed. The coach was curious about

professional. as led had earlier indicated that he had a Masters this assessment, as well as having undertaken a Deoree in Business Administration to his consultancy work, of courses related range The coach decided to utilise a question that can lead to the trained

of

identification

a

core negative assessment,

"What

does

this

being

this

question can lead

mean about you? Continually asking in which the coachee lives about himself or to the deep meaning coach indicated to Ted that there was a question he herself. The that he may ask it a number of times. "You wanted to ask and are not a trained professional,so I'm curious as to assess that you that

Repeatedly asking the question led what that means about you? that Pm not good enough". However, to Ted saying "It means there

was

a

and deeper underlying,

debilitating

meaning

in

which

in Asking the question a few more times resulted Ted saying, "This is how I am and I'm not able to change. The coach realised that they had reached a dead-end in thee to move to domains other than conversation,and that it was time in the language domain had been language. Although exploring of Ted's existence, it invaluable for uncovering a *deep reality" more was insufficientfor taking him beyond that into being a Ted was caught in a mood of resigobserver.

he was

living.

powerful

Clearly,

nation.The key leverage for change came through explorations Ted had learned to hold around the body, and exploring how that he was a fixed property himself in relation to the assessment trained and and stuck with regarding himself as insufficiently As a result of working in the therefore not adequate enough. Ted said, "I can see there is ontological domain of the body, the the coach! At the conclusion of hope", much to the relief of "I would like you to coach me Conversation Ted said to the coach

about having

more energy

in

my

lite,

and being more creative,

experiencingmore spontaneity." that this linguistic Ihis coaching example is not to suggest assessment we have ot Splral comes into play with every negative seltto live in enough negative if we continue of uSelves. However, in the "bigdaddy" it all we may be living underneath opinions, the type ot person it gative opinions that I am not up to given 209

Coaching

to

the

Human Soul

With meas a Iam, and there is something fundamentally wrong human being. Of course, this is the last thing we would want to that we are alreadv to ourselves. Yet the irony is

acknowledge saying and believing concealed.

It

acts

and not acknowledging it keeps monster with enormous power, and concealed. This means that

it

this, a

like

remains

by being powerful continues to run us, corroding our soul

ai1d

conipromising

it

it

the

quality of our existence.

an "assessment envelope" of being tlawed and inadequate as a human being, and all other negative are we doing in self-assessments fit insidethat envelope. And what

So we may end up

living in

as true assertions. This is the am. Based on what has been said

this process? Living assessments

truth about

me -this

is

who

I

about assessments and assertionsa ditferent view can be taken the possibilities for us when we have negative self-opinions.

of

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ANYBODY!! NONE OF US ARE FLAWED AS HUMAN BEINGS. WE ARE SIMPLY LEARNERS. Recall the exploration of the notion of living in a post-modern world, in Chapter 3. In an uncertain and turbulent world we can find ourselves continually strugglingto adapt, which can become an issue of how effectively we assess ourselves to be coping. Negative judgements about our ability to cope can result in both of existing core negative self-assessmentsand the development of new negative self- assessments. Becoming aware of our negative selt-assessmentscan be a huge

i)the intensification (ii)

challenge and potentially very threatening. When done in a context of deep respect and care, and with skill, the experience can be a major learning opportunity and create the possibility of a

breakthrough in the form of a profound ontological shift. Our a willingness to engage in exploring these assessments, not in mood of self-invalidation, but in a mood of wonder, can be seen as an important step to transcending who we currently are and beyond unsatistactory circumstances in our life. Being to look at our core negative assessments,which reveals willing the monster, begins to divest the monster of its power. Once the monster is revealed it can be seen for what it is -a way we learned moving

210

Linguistic Tools

for

Human Possibility

lI

Basic

ourselves in language, which was learned, and can be perceive coaches have an invaluable role to play in Ontological unlearned to

this

process. Exercise

Self-Coaching

K

be a think of what you consider .You are encouraged toview a way you have of to

yourselt,

negative

particularly

characterise yourself, which may learned to negatively of contusion, frustration and come to prominence in times uncertanty. Write

down the exact words you speak

.Thenext stage of this ground

this

procedure, assessment

exercise will be

to

to yourselt. see if

you can

assessment. Apply the grounding assessments outlined in Appendix C, to check if your is

grounded.

Positive

self-assessments

on negative assessments it is appropriate Having focused so much word on positive selt-assessments. to close this section with a conversations" which genThese assessments are those "silent which are reflected in feeling erate a solid and secure sense of self, ourself and self-confident.When this occurs we hold self-assured a contrast with is important to make as a legitimate being. (It in what may be called superficialpositive assessments, exemplihed It is an inflated opinion of ourself. brashness, arrogance and be a cover for reasonable to interpret that this behaviour may of and related negative self-assessments.) feelings

inadequacy

Being self-assured and

self-confident

is

reflected

in

our

how we

we hold our body and aemeanour, especially in the way Core positive Speak (depth and resonance in the voice).

self-

okay as a

abSessments (eg, "I'm worthy", and "I'm fundamentally from which provide us with a different perspective

to

Prson not to Iew the world and the possibilities that exist for us. This is about our Bgest that we will never have any negative thoughts 211

Coaching to the Hunman Soul

mistakes from time

to

We

as making perceive ourseives for do what we time, and will berate ourseif

actions or behaviour.

all

consider to have been inappropriate. However, it this is nt someone who is by a secure sense of being

underpinned

fundamentally legitimate,

worthy and lovable as

valid,

of learning,

then

being and is continually in the process vulnerable to entering what has been referred to as linguistic

a

human

we can a

be

"vicious

spiral". ontological coaches can provide move beyond the debilitating impact

One of the invaluable services 1S

to support coachees

to

of core negative self-assessments,towards

accompanies being

a legitimate

living

a

fuller life that

selt.

Notes Heidegger, "Letter on Humanism" in David MartinHeidegger. Basic Writings. p. 217. You may want to refer back to Chapter 5 to review

1Martin

Farrell Krell

2

the notion

understanding.

3

Moshe

4

Karen Hall, Dark Debts.

212

Feldenkrais,

The Elusive Obvious. p. 354.

p. 17.

(ed.),

of pre-

chapter 9

Basic Linguistic Tools for

Human Possibility

Il1

Cooperation So

far three of

the tools in the basic linguistic

tool

kit of

humans

have been investigated-assertions,declarations and assessments. This has included looking atthe relevance and application of each linguistic process to everyday working and personal life, as well as

Coaching. In this chapter the nature and application of the remaining three tools in the kit (promises, requests and offers) will be explored. An essential feature of our daily lives is seeking and gaining each other's cooperation. Like other species,humans are able to to

Ontological

accomplish more collectively than individually.Human endeav Ours are essentially cooperative in nature. While individuals will have

roles in which they perform specific tasks, it is the Combination of these efforts that produce particularoutcomes or specific

How

smoothly different tasks or actions link together is crucial for effective cooperation. Fernando Flores expressed this as "the coordination of action", and claimed that nis is the key dimension of organisational activity and success, accomplishments.

oynchronicity of effort,

or the meshing 213

together ot ditterent

Coaching to the

Human Soul

activities,

is

perhaps the core component

of the social

life

of

humans and other species.We can think of any human activity, for an example, living together as a family, running organisation,

on holiday. Completing a project, staging an event, go1ng away and quickly see that cooperation is essential. Consider for a moment the cooperation that was required in the massive effort of as well the superb smoothly running the Sydney Olympic Games, eftorts of firefighters in the devastating 2001, 2002 and 2003 bushfires in New South Wales and Victoria. The linguistic tools of promising, requesting and offering are integral features of the coordination of action and cooperative

occur through the inadequate application of these tools. This can be a key area for not only of individuals,but also of groups and across coaching effort. Unfortunately,

many breakdowns

-

entire organisations.

Before moving into specifics, it is worth looking at someof the in the process of key things that are happening linguistically securing cooperation. When someone says they will do something for us (in effect, saying they will cooperate), they are engaged in act of promising. A pronise is a commitment to take a specific course of action.However, a promise does not sit on its own as a linguistic action it is the result of two other sets of the

linguistic

-

linguistic actions. This

is

most

easily

expressed in

two

simple

equations:

Request Offer This

is

+Declaration of Acceptance =Promise

+ Declaration of Acceptance

the essence of what

will

=Promise

be covered in this chapter.

Promises As

indicated above, the

either

a request or an

linguistic

tool of promising

is

coupled

to

offer.

Coordination of action

To be human

to exist in a world of concerns. As mentioned previously, our individual and collective existence is one of living

214

is

Basic

from

a

Linguistic

Tools

for

Human Possibility

11

background commitment to continually take care of our What matters most for us defines how the world is for us,

concerns.

our actions are and our and

towards taking care of our concerns. we secure and expand our existence.

directed

c011cerns By taking care of Our existence is more appropriately thought of as co-existence one of interdependence. In the process of daily ie. predominantly on each other to accomplish what is living we continually rely

important. This

occurs

not

only through direct personal but also through indirect interaction, occurring

interaction,

the

products of through our interaction with goods and services human effort that have become essential in addressing concerns. For example, while

I

am

at the computer typing a chapter engaging with others. This would not

sitting

book, I am not directly be possible without the existence of the computer, the desk, the chair and the electricity. I interact with these products of human effort, and rely on them to address the concerns associated with for a

writing

Our quality

book.

a

quality of existence is very much bound up with the ot our co-existence.Joint etforts produce more than single,

isolated,

uncoordinated

bees and wolves),

efforts. Like other species (for example,

we have

learned that cooperating with each other is a powerful means of taking care of concerns and that we can accomplish more when we work together. Our different together, like members of an orchestra, to produce outcomes that address individual and collective concerns. This is the essence of coordination of action. actions can mesh

Promises Coordination

make and linguistic

of action occurs through our interactions as with each other. A promise

manage promises

action requiring the participation of at least

we a

is

two people.

The act of promising is about making commitments to perform actions.According to Searle in Speech Acts, "Theessential specific feature of a promise is that it is an undertaking of an obligation to a certain act."1 By promising we pertorm are saying,I can and Place this concern in my hands and I will deal with help you. w it for you-you can trust me to do this.

215

Coaching to

Human

the

Soul

The act of promising is an indispensable means by which we engage in cooperative activity with each other and synchronise our ditferent efforts. The power of promises 1S that they generate collective action and enable us to accomplish things that may not have been possible without the involvement of others.

Promising

and relationships

Promising is not a trivial action;it is an integral feature of how we build and maintain relationships. Promises are made between people.

and

Much

of our social life

is

based upon our capacity to make

our promises. The social responsibility accompanying promises is to be sincerein our commitment to mutual action,as well as being competent to perform specified actions. The

kep

a promise is to do what we said an acceptable standard, and usually by a certain

responsibilitythat accompanies

we would do

to

time.

Our ability our public care

to

make and

identity.

We

keep promises has a major bearing on may develop a positive identity for taking

how we make and manage promises. Alternatively, we may develop a negative reputation in how we make and break promises. Either way, the issue of trust is central of

to our

others

in

Incompetence in making and managing promises is a key factor in the breakdown of relationships. The social and economic systems we have created, and within which we exist, could not have come about unless were identity.

people

and

promises. This occurs both explicitly and implicitly.Implicit in the existence of business, government and educational organisations is a promise to take continually making

fulfilling

care of

a specific domain of life. If I concerns within purchase a the is that it will work when I first toaster, implicit promise it. When I consult the train timetable operate and organise myselt to catch the train at a time specified on the timetable, I have listened to a promise that the train will be available to transport me to where I want to go at that time. Irritation and resentment towards organisations comes from a listening in the community that organisations are not addressing some of our key concerns. (A current example in Australia is the negative listening people

216

Basic Linguistic

Tools for

HumanPossibility

1lI

of the breakdowns we experience Aawe of the major banks.) Many with those systems can be regarded as in our relationships not being fulfilled. Explicit promising occurs in the promises and contracts, which can range forms of guarantees, agreements from formal legal documents to verbal agreements, expressed as

word" or "a hand-shake agreement". giving our

Generating

future realities

tool for bringing about the Promising is a powertul linguistic and Meaning, Searle wrote that in making future. In Expression want to get the world to match our words. The promises we but are always about the future. words are spoken in the present, As commitments to future actions, we anticipate and design the for future through promises. They open up new possibilities about changes in the action and provide us with some certainty world that can occur through mutual effort. In The Human

Arendt wrote that we bind ourselves to each other through promises. She spoke of "the power of stabilization inherent in the faculty of making promises" and saw promises as "islandsof certainty in an ocean of uncertainty."E Making and

Condition, Hannah

an important element of keeping promises provides and continuity in relations between people. ReflectiveActivity

10

Inyour personal

life

predictability

think of two promises you have made that have been made to you. Do the

and two promises same tor your protessional life. Were these promises

fulfilled?

From these examples you are invited to on the impact promises have

reflect

more widely

on your personal and

professional relationships. of in the making and keeping Requests play a powerful role so the next section will provide a detailed consideration promises, of the linguistic act of requesting.

217

Coaching to

the

HumanSoul

Making effective requests the acceptance of a promise occurs in one of two ways: (1) The focus of this section request and (i) the acceptance of an offer. will be the link between requests and promises. Susan: "Mike, would you be able to come over to my office at 2pm today and spend a couple of hours finalising Our presentation to the board tomorrow?" Mike: "Sure thing, see you at two in your otfice." A promise occurs between at least two parties, and arises from the linguistic actions of both parties. In the example above Susan

A

has

made

request and

a

Mike

her request

has accepted

(a

declaration of acceptance).

REQUEST +DECLARATION OF ACCEPTANCE =PROMISE Each party has made a commitment to each other, and this becomes something on which they base their plans for the future. What is a request? A request is a call for assistance.Making a request implies that something is missing in the speaker's world, the fulfilmentof a concern. A request is an attempt by a speaker to secure the cooperation of others in addressing his or which

is

her concerns. Requesting is a basic linguistic tool for impacting on the future. This can be summarised in the expression "It you don't ask, you don't get." By calling on each other for assistance,requests are an essential tool for human accomplishment. Requests and promises are central to the effective coordination of action necessary forthe successful completion of projects and staging of events. As an example, consider how the complex coordination of action required to successtullystage an Olympic the absence of requests and promises.

Games could occur in

Requests, promises and the coordination of action are the heart of the social fabricof our everyday lives, and have a major bearing on the quality of our daily existence. Here are some

everyday examples.

An

fault occurs in a major pump the expertise of an electrician is called electrical

in

a

upon to

problem. 218

refinery, rectify

and

the

Basic

.Yourcar breaks down in

Linguistic

the middle of

Tools for

traffic

Human Possibility

and

will

I1

not

the automobile using a phone you request for assistance. organisation to provide you with specific You ask a work colleague essential background for an important information as start, so

.

presentation.

.You do not items for a

well enough to go to the shops to purchase meal and ask a member of your family to do so for feel

you.

Requests, promises

and responsibility

making a request we are committed to have a future action someone else. The person making the request has a performed by to be sincere in wanting that action performed. responsibility There are two aspects to sincerity: to genuinely want assistanceat In

time of asking, and also to continue to need the assistanceup until the point of "delivery". In making a request we ask someone to "take time out" from dealing with their own concerns. If for the

some reason the requested action is no longer required, there is a the request and declare assistanceis no responsibility to withdraw longer required. In the absence of doing this we damage our identity and the relationship. There are two responsibilities in accepting a request. Firstly, to be genuine in accepting to undertake the action required to meet the request,

Secondly,if

as well as competent to perform the required action. unexpected circumstances arise that impede fulhlling

to inform the requestor how these circumstances have interfered with fulfilling the promise, and renegotiate the the promise,

request.

theory, but it is not necessarily as straightforwardin everyday life. A declaration of acceptance does not necessarily mean that a promise has been made. How could This

nis be

is all

very well

so? 1The answer

in

resides

in

the phenomenon

ot listening,

and

in the parties involved making of the promise. If I ask Susie to help me with something at work, and she agrees to assist, we only have a promise between us specifically

in

the

listening of the

two

219

Coaching to the Human

Soul

we

both share the same understanding of wbat has been asked for and agreed upon. This point cannot be overemphasised. We if

are back

to

the

issue

of meaning

in

our everyday world

-of how

on around us, interpretationsot what is going including the speaking of others. Susie and I cannot coordinate action ettectively, and thus accomplish omething together, if we do not share the same understanding of what we are engaging in. A promise is a promise when it occurs in both the speaking and

we make our own

the listening ofeach party. Important considerations for making effective requests

Our capacity to realities is closely

This

generate future possibilities and bring about new linked with our effectiveness in making requests.

much more than

being "technically proficient" in this for occur in the context of process, requests relationships. is much more than a "clever" or "nifty" Requesting having is

that strategy is etfective in getting people to do things for us. This is a "tips and techniques" approach that misses the bigger context of how requests and promises are an integral part of building the trust that is so essential for positive relationships, as well as

harmonious and productive communities. It is in you are encouraged to incorporate the specific making

Our

effective

this spirit that

"ingredients requests into your conversations.

requests can be precise and they can to the importance of

of

be vague, or

listening, the the effectiveness of request depends upon the listening of the the person accepting request. Many times the requestor thinks he

sloppy

Returning

or sheis clear about what shehas asked, but has not got what they wanted. A mutual understanding was assumed, but it did not exist.

The requestor and

requestee lived

in different realities

the nature of the request. Needless to say frustrating, and in organisational lite,

this

about

can be enormously

potentially very costly.

Consider

what can occur in "sloppy" requests.

Nothing specifically is asked for, but hints are "thrown out" In other words, a request has not been made directly. ("Do you think the lawn is looking a bit long?")

220

Basic

Linguistic

Tools

for

Human Possibility

II

not made to a specific person. ("Would Someone be able to take care of that?)

.Therequest

is

.Theprecise nature specified tidied

of the action(s)to be performed are not -whatexactly is to be done? ("We need to get things

up around here.")

.Theexacttime when the task

is to be completed is not a to indicated.("Tve got report present to the board next let so could me have week, you those sales figures?")

.

(standards) by which we can judge the satisfactory of what has been asked are not clear. ("rd like you completion to put together a proposal that we can send off next week.")

The

criteria

Another way of expressing this is that there is lack of clarity about the conditions ofsatisfaction.

An assumption

that the person making the request

understands the terms and expressions the repair

we

use.

shop and get a gasket and pick-up

("Go down to

somePVC while

you are there.") Making sloppy requests can be a major source of suffering.We the invite you to recall the example of George in Chapter 1, and as those in his unit, from his suffering he experienced, as well making requests. Many times when we do noot is to "point the finger" at the get what we want, the tendency and not accepting responsibility requestee,making them wrong, for our part in not generating a mutual understanding. ineffectiveness

Being

in

linguistically

in

requests is speaking omits the two other realms of

competent

for it important, but not sufficient, our existence emotions and body. These are vital considerations for ensuring that we are not making "sloppy requests. One of the challenges in making etfective requests is of the requestor emotional coordination", in which the emotions and requestee are such that a mutual understanding can be mind of the requestor and generated. The emotional frame of on how the request is spoken and requestee has a major bearing how it is listened to. The way the requestor speaks (the volume, and the words used ("I insist Speed, pitch and tone of our voice) you clean your room" compared with "Please clean your room")

-

221

to

Coaching

is

the

Human Soul

what greatly influenced by

is

happening

emotionally. How the requestee is emotionally

make about what and how

they

With the speaker

shape the interpretations asked. Because they are being for action, and listening will

moods and emotions are predispositions frame in which the request 1S an action, the emotional

is listened

of acceptance). tor gaining cooperation (a declaration as the mood of the Sometimes the timing of the request is critical the request favourable listener may not predispose them to giving that the best time to ask consideration. Children know intuitively or Dad tor a favour is when they are in a good mood! to is vital

Mum A

related

consideration

for making

effective

requests

is

it is context. The person making the request already knows why on their behalf. They important that someone take some action are aware of where the request fits into the scheme of things for

not always the case for the person being asked. Being an with the rationale behind

them. This

is

provided the request,or explanation, enables the listener to build a story about how the request makes sense, enhancing the chance of them accepting and acting with understanding. Finally, the realm of the body.

We always speak and listen

from

our body. In the case of George we saw how the interrelationships between his moods and body had locked him into a Way of Being that did not support making effective requests. His moods were embodied and we could say that George was continually speaking from an angry and an anxious body. Making body",

in

requests means speaking from a "legitimate which the requestor holds him or herselfas a legitimate effective

who has a legitimateright to make a request. Unfortunately, many of us make requests from the body of "an apology". We being

speak from a

Way of Being

that contains a background sentiment of apologising for making a request. Put in an exaggerated way, it is an excuse me for breathing" mode of existence. superb job has been done invalidating ourselves, thereby limiting the and future realities we can generate from making possibilities

A

effective

requests. We hope people wil guess the requests we are inside our heads, but we dare not ask. In short, no

making making requests is a huge source of suffering.

222

Basic

To summarise, eftective

A

some

requests are:

it

Tools for

Human Possibility

l

of the key "ingredients" for making

request is spoken does not remain in

direct

(ie,

Linguistic

The request

to

is

a

specihc

listener

private conversation).

The future action to be performed

A

is

time frame

The reason

specified. is

specified.

for the request

is clear.

The emotional

context

is

considered.

Standards are made

The request

explicit.

is

made from a

legitimate body.

Care is taken

There is a shared understanding of

in

words

used.

terminology.

This checklist is not meant to imply that we should tick off every point as we make a request, or that every one has to be explicit in

the request. Repeating what was said earlier

-making

requests is a Way of Being, not a technique. The checklist can serve as a reference point for learning about what may have effective

been missing

if

our requests are not

producing the outcomes

we

anticipated.

Requests are a powerful linguistic tool for generating desirable future realities. They are indispensable to enhance Our

theworld. Making effective requests is an issue of the human soul. It is one of the key linguistic tools by which we generatemeaning and fulfilmentin our lives. It we are not making in our requests,we requests, and/or we are consistentlyinettective participation

in

in limiting how the world Inadvertentlyare playing an active role A can be for us and compromising the quality of our existence.

question

we

can occasionally ask ourselves

aking etective requests

to about

is

Who am

I

not

what?"s

223

Coaching

to the

HumanSoul

Self-Coaching Exercise L Part 1.

.Thinkabout two requests you

have made that have not the results you anticipated. produced

Rememberhow above elements

you made each request and check with to see what you may have omitted.

See what happens when

the

you include these in future

requests.

Part2.

Who are you not making What

is

etfective

the cost to your relationships?

What are you going to do about

The danger

requests to about what?

of being

in

this?

a declarative mindset

Although they are completely different linguistic processes, requests can be confused with being declarations. A contributing factor to this occurring is the nature of the relationship between the requestee and the requester. Quite often the role of authority

the relationship defines the consequences for the non-acceptance of requests, shaping how requests are listened to. Differential in

authority occurs in such relationships as manager-employee, parent-child, teacher-student, sergeant and private. Our position in a social hierarchy can form a background for how we listen to requests, both as speakers and listeners. For example, when the army sergeant

says to the private, "Ten push-ups for not keeping your weapon clean", he has madea request. A command is a form of request. This is because the private has a choice whether to do the push-ups or not. However, the private may not want to deal with the negative consequences of not accepting the request. The private may only listen to one

224

Basic

Linguistic

Tools for

Human Possibility

1

that is to do the ten push-ups. When this occurs, he or and that antion,and option, to the request as a declaration. In other words, in she has listened he private's listening of the sergeant's speaking means that "It

happen". As children get older the requests of parents are responded to lec automatically or not at all. When they were younger, the will

of the children

listening said

it

so

I

have to

may have been

do it".

In

this

"Mum

case the request

have said of a declaration they

it

therefore it

and/or dad have is

will

given the status

happen.

However, as they get older children give less authority to their to the frustration of parents, are less willingly Darents and, much of the children is that they are being cooperative. The listening request is being made) and they do not (they declare non-acceptance of the request).

asked to do something

want to

do

it

(a

parents have been lulled into thinking that when they ask for something to be done it should automatically happen. Before they speak the request, parents already have a listening that their speaking is a declaration. Typically,

the tool of declaring when they invoke the eftort to clean up your consequences. "Well if you can't make room and put out the rubbish then I don't know why I should make the time to take you to netball/football".Without going into Parents

utilise

a discussion

and ways

to

of the rights and wrongs (assessments!) of parenting in the running of a gain the cooperation of children

A

much of our

authority lies. similar situation happens in school. Managing

tamily, this is

behaviour

is

where

student

about gaining student cooperation, which requires

many effective requests. Unfortunately continually making teachers are still in a "declarative mindset" when they ask see it as "tell")a student to behave a certain way. (typically they Declarationsoccur when consequences are brought into play. This confusion between requests and declarations also and permeates organisations. When a manager asks for something sees no expects it to be done, and when the receiver of the request choice but to

do

it,

a both parties interpret the request as

declaration.

be these two linguistic tools can Confusing the application of of a saw another source of suffering.It is like using an axe instead 225

Coaching to the

to build

Human Soul

furniture.When the speaker

is in a

declarativemindset, he

or she expects automatic compliance with their requests. When this does not occur, it is fertile ground for resentment and the breakdown of relationships. Distinguishing between the two actions is a fundamental competence for those ditferent linguistic

in

Is

positions of authority. When the requestee listens to requests as declarations he or she in the world of no choice. may not want to do what is

They

but because it has requested, or disagree with what is being asked, been spoken it should happen. This places them in the space of a slave

-only compliance

possible.Again, this is resentment and the breakdown of relationships.

What has been

is

covered

in this

fertile

ground for

section implies that there are

more responses to requests than "yes". This is what we will look at next, as well as the implications for the quality of relationships and our co-existence.

Responding to requests There are four (plus one) possible responses to requests. Only one a commitment between two parties directly produces a promise to mutual action and that is acceptance. However, some of the

-

-

other responses may be stepping stones to acceptance, and can play a vital role for ensuring mutual understanding. The four (plus one) responses are: accepting, declining, making a counter offer, and committing to commit later (plus making a "slippery promise). These are outlined in Figure 23.

REQUEST-

ACCEPTANCE

-PROMISE

DECLINE

COUNTER

OFFER

COMMIT TO COMMIT LATER (SLIPPERY PROMISE) Figure 23.

226

Possible responses

to

requests.

Basic

Linguistic

Tools

for

Human Possibility11

To arrOws in

Figure

a

23

indicate three possible paths to the

ina of promise. The first 1S through a direct acceptance of The other two responses are more indirec involve therequest. and can be thought of as stePping stones to negotiation, gaining a These two responses are "counter offer" and "commit to promise. involve the exploration of before ommit later" and possibilities declaration of acceptance. Each will be covered in detail. The

rhe

of "slippery promises" will also be outlined. at of of responding it is Before looking each these possible ways worthwhile sayng a few words about declining requests, ie, saying this response may not be one that comes no. Utilising naturally to nature

some people. It can

teel

awkward and

uncomfortable

saying no.

We

We

all like to do not like to disappoint others or hurt their feelings. be thought ot favourably by others, and cooperating is an important way that we promote this. Nevertheless, experiencing the option of relate the key issue of our legitimacy. A declining requests can to major source of sutfering is when our Way of Being (including a intorms us that we cannot say no. Saying powerful associated story) no does not mean being uncaring. Indeed, we can declinein a caring

way by empathising with theconcern of the requester and providing a reason (story) why we will not be accepting the request.Declining

an important way we take care of ourselves, as well as our relationships. If our Way of Being has us caught only in of resentment, and this accepting requests,we may act on them out requests

is

becomes a

mood we continually bring to the relationship.

Counter offer

A Counter otter occurs when the requestee does not initially accept request, but is still in the cOunteroffer is the expression the

spirit

of wanting to cooperate.

The

of other possible arrangements that

more to the liking of the requestee and potentially still for the requester. It is a negotiation, the potential Satistactory are

a request that mutually satishes both parties, example. dnerebysecures a promise. Consider the following down to the new office 1arry: John could you arrange to go Harry: understand the tomorroW and make sure the painters utcome of which

is

paint scheme

we decided on the other day?" 227

Coaching to

the

Human Soul

John:

tomorrow Harry because I'm taking to hospital. can do the day alter." don't know if it can wait that long. want "I

can't

it

I

Harry:

I

I

sure these guys chance John:

my wife

(painters)

get

to get down there

T'm working on ning and

I

it

this

right.

to

make Would you haun

afternoon?"

the report you wanted by tomorrow also have another meeting. can I

postpone the meeting

and go down

there

if

you

don'+

mind getting the report by the end of the week. Harry:That'll be fine with me. Thanks for doing that, and hope things are okay with your wife."

way of responding to requestsis a competence for living. It takes us out ot thetrap ot being Utilising

this

I

key in a

and theretore has enormous has the potential to potential to reduce our suffering. It also enhance productivity: by wanting to respond to the request in a way that will work for us we are more likely to give our best. declarative mindset as the

listener,

also the potential to enhance creativity, for in the negotiation of the request the other party may come up with a

There

is

better idea about occasions,

a

course of action. This

especially

means

circumstances

is

not to ignore

organisational life, when pressing there is virtually no scope tor making in

counter offers to requests. However, when this becomes a Way of Being in the organisation, morale is likely to suffer, and creativity,

performance and productivity along with

Committing to

it.

commit later

In committing to commit later, the requestee declares they are not in a position to accept or decline, and commits to providing a

more

definite

Joy:

response ata

later

time.

I'd like to

continue our conversation "Rebecca, from the other day about restructuring the depart ment to provide better service for our customers. Could we meet in the board room this afternoon, say at 2pm?"

Rebecca: "T'm expecting an important call early this after noon from interstate, which I want to be available

228

Basic

not sure

for. I'm

also not sure

when

Linguistic

that

will

lools

for

Human Possibility

lI

come through. I'm

the meeting should be between just Can you let me think about that? How it

you and me. will it be if I phone you at about 3pm to let you my availability and who think should be I

know of

involved?"

Oh, okay.

Joy:

be involved.

what Rebecca:

is

don't

I I

know who

you think should thought that you and could sort out else

I

required."

"Well, know what we will decide will affectothers. I'm not sure if they need to be initially involved, but what I want is a little time to think it through. So, Fll I

give you a

call

between

3 and 3.30pm and

let

you

know what my thoughts are." Fine.

Joy:

Rebecca

not disagreeing with what Joy is proposing about improving customer service. She is not sure about the means of commencing this process as well as the initial timing given her other commitments and accomplishing what is important for her. Clearly,

is

Although not a commitment to cooperation, committing to commit later still holds open the possibility for collaboration. It is also a powerful

way

for Rebecca to take care of herself as well as the

working relationship with Joy. In presenting this response, it is important not to be naive and pretend that this is always going to be

a response that is available to people in the political climate of organisations. However, not being aware of the possibility of this as a response can keep people in a mindset that has an associated of "Yes ma'am how high should I jump? Rebecca has conversation asserted her ideas about a meeting she is not sure about, and in the process has taken care of her dignity.

options available in responding to is a Way requests is not simply a matter of applying a strategy of Being. We may "know" these four options as a strategy, but we Utilising

the various

it

may only know them

in

language. Utilising them means knowig bodily. If we are living in a defensive,

them emotionally and and somewhat self-invalidatingWay of Bein8, apologetic, then emotionally and bodily we are less likely to be positioned to effectively utilise

these responses.

229

Coaching to

Now

HumanSoul

the

us examine the

let

final

response,

the

one

we have

placed

parentheses, a "slippery promise.

Slippery promise This listen

response

a non-definitive

is

to as

a

expressions

"yes". This response

if

fit it

Let me see what it

is

request that is easy contained in such

to

as:

Tll see Ican Leave

to a

I

with me,

into

my

schedule";

do about it";

can we'll

give it

a

good shake";

.Tlltry";

or

that great Australian colloquialism, "She'll be right mate

leave

it

with me".

In the "busyness" of life and our desire to move on to other matters at hand, we can gloss over the fact that we have not received a definite "yes". In short, the spirit ottheresponse has not been "Yes, I will do it by the time you require." Greater clarity is required to find out if these are acceptances. Depending on the degree of trust in the relationship,in the absence of a definite

commitment, you are strongly advised to as

listen

to these responses

declines.3

Again,

this

suffering.By we build an

another potential source of an acceptance when we did not get one,

area of language

listening

to

is

(a reality anticipation aboutthe future about the future), and base part of life around that anticipation. When it

we feel let down, irritated etc, yet we rarely we have contributed to this feeling by how we consider that listened (or even made a vague or sloppy request in the first place). One way we create this sutfering tor ourselves is that we are already in a declarativemindset when we make requests, ie, that asking automatically means acceptance. Our already listening is that it will be and we are not attuned to the vagueness and done of the response. In short, we are living part of our slipperiness" does not occur

lives

230

in a delusion!

Basic

Reflective Activity

Linguistic

Tools for

Human Possibility

11

11

Vou are invited to consider the following questions:

.What has been happening for you as you

have read

through these ditferentways of responding to requests?

.What in particular have you listen

you

.How

connected with

in

the

way

to responses to the requests you make?

do people you know

listen

to responses to their

requests?

Which of the responses will be most important for you to begin to incorporate into your Way of Being in your various relationships both in how you listen to

-

responses and

how you respond yourself?

Who would

be useful for you to have conversations

it

with about these distinctions?

about co-existence with others. An co-existence is the development of productive integral aspect of and constructive relationships in which people work together to take care of concerns and accomplish what is important to them.

Much

of our existence

is

we

require the cooperation of others for this to occur, which involvesthe making of requests and promises to each other. in the Ineffectiveness in developing a shared understanding making and accepting of requests, and flexibility in how we respond, is a huge source of personal suffering and relationship Inevitably

breakdowns, as well as poor performance. The linguistic processes of making requests and responding to is a rich area for coaching. Misapplication of requests

potentially

can contribute significantly to the erosion of and enjoyment, happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment, meaning fulfilment in our personal and professional relationships. An

these processes

ontological

to how coachees highly attuned for listening Once again the utilising these linguistic processes.

coach

is

may not be fully application of a basic linguistic tool has

the capacity to positively

touch the human soul.

231

to the

Coaching

Human

Soul

Ontological

Coaching in action (14)

continual frustration Larry was a team leader experiencing with lack ot consistent performance from many members of his team In the coaching conversation he said, "I don't know what I'm you ask them to do going to do with some of these blokes

-

something and it doesn't get done, and when they do it, it is a half. baked job". His manager was concerned that Larry was too involved in the daily team operations, contnually taking a hands on role, and that he was not developing his team and moving his unit forward. Larry's response was "Who's got time for that stuff? The

got to be done properly. After some questions from the coach, three things were apparent. Firstly, that Larry was in a mood of resentment for most job's

time at work, and consequently many of his requests were listened to as being made in a harsh tone of voice. He was critical

of

his

of the company, and had many negative about them. Secondly, there was a consistent vagueness in

of the management stories

his requests, in particular with regard to standards, time and context. Thirdly, he did not listen to the responses to his requests,

assuming that asking would mean that they would get done. The coach decided to commence by working on the third observation,which brought immediate rewards. Larry was amazed and enthused about the different way he could listen to responses, and

he could see that it would very worthwhile to ask, "Can I know for sure that you are going to do that?" or "Wheredo I stand with you doing that?" The coach urged Larry to ensure that he not do this in an interrogative manner. The coach was then able to build

on

said

that by encouraging

Larry to be more time and standards specific, and again was amazed to realise that he assumed people knew exactlywhat he wanted. He said that he had experienced little difficulty

with the more experienced and enthusiastic members of his

team, and stated, "Now I

that they have picked me up on about time and standards with me. some of by checking later that he was not including these all the time, but Larry reported had noticed a difference when they were and were not included.He realise

this stutt

gained value by ensuring he explained the importance ofsome of the requests,and not take for granted that this was also

known

232

Basic Linguistic

Working with Larry's

moOd

Human Possibility

lools for

of resentment

was a

A range of circumstances had contributed to Issu

IlI

longer term

his

mood, one which was a career and lifestyle dilemma. When he became aret about the nature of his dilemma, he applied for and was to a sales position in head appointed office, which he is appointed

f

thoroughly enjoying.

Ontological Coaching in action (15) Fsther attended managerial role

a in

"Coaching in Action" workshop. She had a a bank, and she and her husband were expecting

child. Prior to the

became clear to her that workshop her husband to wanted share more she domestic responsibility. At she how she the workshop had been ineffective in her recognised

their

first

in

requests,

it

particular(like Larry) with time and standards. She was

able to apply

this

one evening

after the workshop, and an realisation the reported important following day. She said that while she had included time and standards in a couple of requests,she recognised a stooping and collapsing in her posture as she asked. She linked this to a question of her legitimacy

learning

to ask her husband to do domestic chores. Both she and

husband had been brought up in Greek families and she recognised a strong cultural narrative that defined her domestic role as well as that of her husband. However, she was adamant her

not want to "live that way". She was clear that she and have a career. In the workshop, she tound that by shifting her posture she was able to make requests more definitely and firmly "without being a nag". She was keen to take this "new body'" into how she made requests at home.

that she did

wanted to be a mother

When

asked

how she thought

other members

of her extended

would respond to her not playing the "traditional"female what sort role in the family,she was very adamant and said,"I know family

of

life

I

want for myself, and

I

approval for how I conversation she reported that

don't need

their

am going to live my life." In a later and shewas able to have a more extensive

effective conversation her. was important cooperation with for She said that although "not perfect",her requests were much more effective and this had been beneficial for their relationship.

her husband about

how

his

233

Coaching to the

Human Soul

Offers The

final linguistic

tool

is

the act of

otfering.

An

otfer is when we

for another person and observe something that may be missing to provide what is missino put ourselves forward as a possibility to address the concerns of In making offers, we take the initiative a cup of others. Basic everyday occurrences are: "Can I get you some lunch, do you want me to get coffee?", "Tm going out to get to cook a meal tonight2» you something?", "Would you like me and "You look snowed under, would you like me to do some of that for you?" In economic parlance, in making an ofter we assess that we can "add value" (qualitativelyand quantitatively) to

domain of lite. We can think of an offer as a conditional promise. The promise is conditional upon the declaration of acceptance trom the person we have made the offer to. When they say "Yes, thank you" then we have committed ourself to pertorming the action necessary to meet the promise. Unlike requests, where the emphasis of the commitment is on the listener, in offers the emphasis of the Someone

else in

commitment

OFFER

is

a

specific

on the speaker. Therefore we

have:

+DECLARATIONOF ACCEPTANCE =PROMISE

Offers are a fundamental

way we take care of others, build

relationships and develop our identity. In personal relationships we can feel specialand taken care of and, as a result, appreciative,

when others offer to do things for us. In work relationships, when someone sees that we are "snowed under" and offers to lighten our load, their assistance can be a major contribution to improving our emotional state and the quality of our life.

What

the responsibility associated with offering? Simply to deliver "thegoods"; for our actions to be consistent with what we offered to do. This includes the same considerations that a the of a eg, to is

accompany

satisfactory completion request; standard and within a satisfactory satisfactorytimeframe Making requests, fulfilling requests, making ofters ana

have important implications for the future of any relationship.These linguistic processes are key ingredients of tne social fabric of our lives. In Influence, Robert Cildani noted that fulfilling offers

234

Basic

Tools for

Linguistic

Human

II

Possibility

to be an in-built feature of our relationships. eciprocation seems of our co-existence there seems to be a strong fnthe background for f doing things each other, something along the of expectation tor do something you then it is reasonable that to do something for me in the future." expect you Expressed in this 1S the sentiment of another way, reciprocal "give and take",

OfIf

I

I

an important value in our social and community Some commentators have likened this to an "emotional relations. where doing things for others represents deposits, bank account" is

which

and others doing things for us are withdrawals. These comments whenever

we

fulfil

should not be interpreted as meaning that a request or an offer that we should, or will,

in return. There expect something

is

much to

commend the spirit

of doing things for others, simply for the sake of doing them and about the contribution we can make to their wellfeeling good being. Fulfilling

we look for something

promises because

in return

becomes a "scoreboard approach" to relationships where we think about doing favours and helping people out as accumulating points in a bank which we can cash in at some later point.

Making

building

which

and managing promises

is

relationshipswhere there is mutual

an integral part of trust

and respect,

in

we see each other as legitimate others.

Self-Coaching Exercise

M

What role do offers play in your

Who do you make

offers to in

life?

your personal life and

professionallife?

Who makes

offers to you

and

how do you

deal with these?

Do you find you

get irritated because you continually seem to be making offers, but you do not seem to receive as many offers from others?

Perhaps you

are waiting forpeople to make offers, when

How might you be perhaps you could be making requests. able to utilise the linguistic process of offering in your world?

235

Coaching to the

Human Soul

Being listened to as an offer provides an interestingperspective on the We develop, maintain and power of offers as a linguistic process. enhance our relationships because we are regarded as an offer i the eyes and ears of others.Being an offer means that others assesc

The role of

listening

take care of their concerns. This can range loved and cared tor in tamily relationships to being

we can and

that

trom

feeling

will

successfulin a job application. A relationship is not a thing

of assessing is a

process well we relate

linguistic

How

-

-

to

each other

it

is

a process of

central feature of

relating.

The

this process.

-the quality of our relationships

dependent on our assessments of how well we will take care of the is to each other's concerns. The deeper the concern closer it What does and does our soul-the more intimate the relationship. how we assess that will on not happen in our relationships depend others will take care of our concerns. This is not a trivial concern, is

-

as our relationshipsprovide contexts in which we find meaning and fulfilment. From an ontological perspective,having a career means being regarded as someone who is competent to address key concerns people have, and recurrently being called upon to use our expertise to take care of those concerns. In other words, others perceive us as being capable of doing things that will be to their Developing a career is about being seen as someone who acts with sincerity and integrity, can perform reliably and competently to serve others, and in so doing makes important benefit.

contributions to providing what

The essence

of

this

missing in their world. interpretation of career is that our career is

resides in the listening of others who call upon our services.It does not matter how many degrees we have or how many skills we think we have, and it does not matter if we tell others about

our knowledge and skills

-unless others assess that we can bring

(enhance the quality of their existence in ways that are important to them), then we do not have a career. Our value does not live in our skills. Our value lives in the listening of others to how well we apply our knowledge and skills for their value to their

benefit.

236

We

lives

automatically

"show up

in

their eyes and ears

Basic

they

whe

want support

lives.

In t he

best of

all

Linguistic Tools

to improve

some

for

Human Possibility

aspect of their

worlds, they automatically

think of us, 5,

established positive reputation (identity)as hecause we have for dealng with certain concerns. meoue who is indispensable means that we exst in the background of their Such an identity and we come to the foreground when certain a

listening,

circumstances

more depth

arise.

in

Volume

coach

ontological

Ihis interpretation of career

is

ll,

when

developing

a

is

explored in career as an

covered.

Self-Coaching Exercise

N

.Howdo you assess yourself as an offer in your work

and

career?

What specific

concerns of others are you addressing in the

work you do?

How succinctlyare you this

able to

articulate

a

response to

question?

What additional concerns

of others may you be able to

address to enhance your career/business?

What might it be important to do,to generate a listening in

others about the concerns you can address?

Ontological

Coaching in action (16)

was clearly very competent, yet she was having difficulty finding a permanent position with an organisation. She explained she had made the last round of several interviews, only tnat to be disappointedat not being offered a position. Within two weeks of

Jill

a

single

position

offered coaching session she was successful in being that was to her liking.

a

In the coaching conversation it was apparent to the coach that was in a mood of resignation. This showed up to the coach Jll evidenced by a torward nrough her slumped body posture lting of her neck, rounded shoulders and a concave sternum 237

Coaching

to the

Human

area. Her voice

Soul

also

lacked energy

-

it

sounded

tired

-and would

she was not not have been appealing to interviewers. In short, not the and it was "what" of showing up as someone vith vitality, her demeanour in her offer (ie, her skills) but more the "how" (ie, she was how she came across). Without knowing it, sabotaging herself

at interviews.

was not gOing to be However, coaching her around the body at how she sutficient. It was important to also look fundamentally in the not body, but also in held herself as a human being just herself as "not being language. In short, deep down she regarded adequate" and felt that there was something fundamentally how she could Wrong with her. This was clearly limiting envisage herself as an offer not just in work but in life, including intimate came to recognise the relationships. Through the conversation she source of this learning, and how to no longer be a victim of an

-

not able to ground the assessment of not being adequate, and came to see how holding herself differently in language was linked to not only holding her body differently (more upright and confident), but also her obsolete

mood and

disposition in life. These shifts in language, to a and body were associated with a shift in her voice positive tone with more energy and vitality, as well as a

general

mood more

self-assessment. She was

greater clarity and sparkle Jill

her eyes. phoned one month later to say that she had started in a new in

job.

Ontological

Coaching in action (17)

own business for about eighteen months, and although having some success had become dispirited about not having generated more business. He was also frustrated for he could see that his ideas had great potential and had been well received by various people who had done business with him. When asked about his business and how he went about generating clients, he was very animated and enthusiasticabout the various featuresof his business and how it could change people's lives for the better. John had been

in his

An

ontological interpretation of career and business was outlined to John. When asked about what concerns of others

he

238

Human

Basic Linguistic lools for

Possibility

I

silent for a while, made a "You know, don't really know. and then said, few comments concerns with me again?" One over the stuff about Can you go sutficient to pinpoint these concerns, and he was accion was not ses these and come to the next session having to eflect about invited in more detail. At the next session he did not it

was ddressing

in his

business he was

I

through much more to add, but

thought

through with his wife a major realisation. He said that it became apparent had come to for him to be in "a spirit of inquiry" about that it was important of existing and potential clients. The coach the concerns to think about speaking "with" clients, and not encouraged him "to" them, as well as how to be in an emotional space of have

in

talking

it

speaking

genuine

curiosity.

John was excited about the prospects

this

However, the coach also observed a stumbling block, and that was John's mood and a background assessment. For the coach, John was operating from a mood of anxiety. there seemed something forced about Despite being enthusiastic, was as though John was acting Out how he this to the coach offered.

it

thought he should be

in

running

John agreed with occasions he found

his business.

interpretation and said that on some himself "scared" and thinking "What the hell this

Before starting his business John as a school teacher. For the coach,

had

a

am

I

doing here?"

professional background

John was still

partly caught in a cultural/historical narrative of being a teacher.This included that it was not right to promote yourself and that teachers were not highly thought of in the community. Without knowing it, John had carried this into his endeavours as an entrepreneur. Not very

Surprisingly,

and

lack

he was

a background of strong self-doubt was operating to produce anxiety and a

living in

of worth. This

negative expectation that people services. In short, John usiness

would

want

to

was not holding

employ his himself as

in his business endeavours. John said that he was "blown

legitimate

away" by this realisation,anda working against himself all this ime After some brief coaching about what assessment he wanted to have of his worth and value to others, and how he wanted to embody this, John said that he had a renewed faith in nimself and was intensely curious about how his business was staggered at how he had been

239

Coaching

to the

going to

Human

Soul

show up as an

"irresistible

offer".

Nine months

after

the

coaching sessionsJohn reported a doubling of business income

Promises and trust In closing this chapter it is appropriate to cycle back to the linguistic process of promising. As was stated earlier, our capacity to make and fulfil promises is at the heart of our social fabric Cohesion, coherence, and a sense ot certainty in our daily living are generated by how we make and fulfil promises. It is throueh promises that we secure cooperation and coordinate action,which enable possibilities to come to fruition, and thus the realisation of

Competence in making and managing promises is pivotal for our individual and collective well-being, and how we use language to generate meaning and fulfilmentin our lives. We generate the future through our relationships they are different

realities.

-

spaces of

possibilities

for

how we can

generate future

realities.

Building, maintaining, and enhancing relationshipsrequires trust. The deteriorationof trust produces deterioration in the qualityof relationships, and indicates negative assessments about how concerns are being addressed, or are likely to be addressed, by the relationship.The absence of trust, or low trust, can be one of the most inhibiting factors in the development of cooperation and coordination of action.Without sufficient trust we are crippled in

how we social

can build better futures together

-

in our families,our and our organisations. Trust and the effective relationships

coordination

of action develops collaborative capital the of to work to deal with capability people together constructively current problems (including conflict) and to design a more constructive and productive future.4

Whatis trust? In Building Trust, Fernando Flores and Robert Solomon point out that trust is not a thing or an entity, but rather is a and linguistic

emotional practice.Trust of doing, more specifically

240

is

evident

our actions or our manner our manner of conversing and though in

Basic

relating. ccts requests

and

and

offers,

' other. Trust each each other.

h with

nking

Terst

a

is

at

is

ommit

in

ourselves is not However, trust often inter-related

for Human

Possibility

11

includes

trust linguistically,

judgement

Tools

how we make and respond to how we make and manage our promises a linguistic and emotional process.

this

In particular

Linguistic

it

can be seen as an assessment.

we make about whether or not we want to some way in our dealings with others.

Dlanket assessment. Trust consists of four assessments, these being: a

SINCERITY RELIABILITY

COMPETENCE5 INVOLVEMENT These four assessments are constantly in the background of our listening in the various relationships we have with others. Although they are often intertwined in our dealings with each other,

we will examine

all

tour elements separately.

Sincerity

an assessment that people are genuine in their actions and intentions. In making a commitment, at the moment of Sincerity is

speakingthey are sincere in their intention to carry out the agreed action. There are no concerns about 'hidden agenda" and saying

and not meaning it. Sincerity in making a promise is is a match between the public conversation and

something when there private

yes

conversation associated with the commitment; out loud means "yes" inside their head. When

do something and we

ie,

saying

someone

out they were halfabout it or never intended to do anything, the intensity of Our emotional response can be quite high. In some way we may Says they will

later

find

hearted

eel

not

Deing.

and angry, but also invalidated as a human Typically, we have come to regard trust as an issue of only hurt

Sincerity, and it

can be easy to confuse other elements of trust with

sincerity.

241

Coaching

to the

Human

Soul

Reliability

Reliability

on

and competence are closely related. Being able is

constructive and But what does it mean when we say thar productive relationships. what exactly do we find reliable? Two we can rely on someone wo are time and standards (you key dimensions of reliability people

indispensable

to rel

for developing

-

may

recall

that these are

two

of the ingredients for an arriving late for meetings, not

effective

request). Continually meeting others waiting on social and deadlines keeping agreed occasions, are examples of behaviour that generates mistrust. Similarlywith standards. Every commitment

accompanied by

is

about

standards

implicit expectations assessments about the quality of the required

standards

final

for pertormance

explicit

and/or

of

pertormance; ie, outcome. Not meeting

generates

mistrust and

possible in a relationship. Recall that trust is an assessment we not only make about the present, but also about the future.The assessments others make of

damages what

is

our trustworthiness are an integral aspect of People can be sincere in making a promise committing were genuine in their intention action. However, they may then do their

our public identity. and at the time of to take the agreed

identity enormous damage by not being reliable in managing their promises. In the workplace this can lead to being passed over for promotion or,

even worse, being

made redundant. Lack

of

reliability

in the

also devastating for the coordination of action, and organisational performance and productivity.One of the quickest with ways to lose business is to be unreliable in dealin

workplace

is

customers.

Indeed in a more

demanding

global

economic

environment, being impeccably reliable in taking care of customers' concerns has become a key ingredient of competitive advantage.

Competence

The assessment

of competence

a judgement that a person has the experience, knowledge and skills to accomplish the required task. We do not ask a three-year-old to bake a cake or paint the

242

is

Basic

Linguistic

lools

for

Human Possibility

11

f a house, because we assess they do not have room of the amDetence to do those tasks yet. In asscssin someone to be it 1s importa not to contuse incompetence in a

incompetent, of action with heir overall incompetence as a domain person. For as we saw in the chapter on mple, assessments, it is easy to

and go trom the particular to the general, develop a for people, and in the label negative process close down negative tor what could be nossibilities developed in the globalise

relationship.

Nevertheless,

making an to

it

is

offer)

worth repeating that in accepting a request (or we have the respOnsibility for being competent

pertorm the acti0n

we

agree

to

undertake.

Involvement The

final

dimension of trust

is

involvement. This can be a very in our gut

distinction for pinpointing what is going on feelings about trust and mistrust. Involvement is an helpful

assessment our concerns. In short, this is when we assess that others are empathetic with what is important for us. At different times after conversations, you may have had a nagging and uncomfortable feeling something did not "quite feel right", but you did not know what it was. Somehow we do not feel confident about someone or after a during discussion, but cannot that others

are attuned

to

pinpoint exactly what it

is. The words seemed "okay", but there was something intangible that was not "sitting right". One question to ask is "Does this person really seem tuned in to what

matters to

me? Does

seem like they want to assist me to bring matters about what to me?" Something in our tells us gut don't think that they are there for me there seems to be some lip Service here." In the case of sales people, the words may be tine, Dutthey may be operating almost entirely from wanting to sella product or a service,rather than how the product or service will us to take care of our d5ist concerns. We can easily confuse this aimension of trust with insincerity, but this may not be the case he The person may be sincere in agreeing to take some action, but ney are not as fully there as we would like, In short, we assess it

-

"T

nat we do not have the level of emotional participation from them that we would like.

243

Coaching

to the

Human Soul

our relationshp with our individual selves. Not trusting yourself is a negative selt-assessment. Trust in our sincerity, reliability, competence and involvement is the foundation for "going forth" into the world and creating what is Trust

is

also relevant

in

important for us. At times it can be important to acknowledge that we do not trust ourselves;for example, not trusting ourselves to fly

a plane if we do not have a pilot's licence. However, there may also be sneaky" ways you do not trust yourselt, and this could be want to create. significant in holding you back from what you Self-Coaching Exercise

Think about

some of

0

the relationshipsin your

matter to you. Choose

lite

that

really

two personal relationships and

twwo

professional relationships. Explore the dimensions of trust for each relationship,and pinpoint where you think there is high trust and where you experience breakdowns in trust.

What about their assessments of your trustworthinesswhere do they find you to be trustworthy and where might there be breakdowns

in trust

for them?

What about the trust you have for yourself -how does that allow you to go forward in life and how does it hold you back?

Fundamental linguistic tools for human possibilty Chapters 7-9 have focused on basic linguistic processes that are at the heart of our daily living. Regardless of the mother tongue are continually in operation. They being spoken, these processes are integral to being human we use them whether we know about them or not. Part of being human is to automatically engage in these processes, and how we use them has an indelible impact on what constitutesreality for us.

-

These basic linguistic processes form the basic linguistic tool kit of humans. They demonstrate how language is the fundamental 244

Basic

Linguistic

Tools for

Human Possibility11

tor acting upon, and creating, the world. 1a0 technology An resents us with the tools for howw We these possibility awareness them to uild better lives use consciously individually and can consCiously The tools provide us with an

of

-

unprecedented the most probably explore important relationship nortunity oppo we have with our individual selves. This the relationship ofallof our "interior olationship is a crucial aspect reality", and it is that from this reality we generate the reality of the world our ollectively.

to

-

reality"

"exterior

the enormous

nrovides P

and open and

The

signifhicant

fulhilling ways

utilisation of these tools in coaching potential to touch the souls of coachees,

for generating

possibilities

of

more meaningful

living.

While important, the basic linguistic processes are by

investigating

we have been

no means the only ways we use language to

important to see their application within two other aspects of language that are relevant to everyday living and working, as well as coaching. These features are (i) conversations generate reality.

and in

It is

and narratives, which have

()stories

previous chapters. These

already been referred to are the themes of the next two

chapters.

Notes John

Searle, Speech Acts. p. 60.

Hannah

It

is

The Human

Arendt,

important

to

add

pp. 243and 244.

Condition.

the qualification of the cultural setting

Western

it

is

regarded

as

to directly refuse.

being impolite

how members

listening, and understanding learned ways of indicating acceptance and back to

The

notion of collaborative

which

which the for most

What has been presented here is appropriate Asian countries "yes" can mean "no", countries, yet in some

response occurs.

because

in

will

lechnically,

any

it

comes

culture

have

non-aceptance. major theme of Volume IV, of of organisations and the nature

capital will be a

be an ontological perspective

organisational

of

Again

work.

competence

is

a subset

reated as a subset of declarations). easier to treat them separately.

(just as assessments for the sake of clarity,

of reliability However,

are it is

u1e

245

chapter

10

The Hidden Power of Conversations

Humans as conversational

beings

In exploring the nature of a new understanding of language, the focus so far has been on the interrelationship between listening and Basic Linguistic Acts.

We

have seen that

listening

is

a

linguistic

phenomenon, and that in our listening and speaking we are always active in our use of Basic Linguistic Acts,whether we know it or not. In The Human Condition, Hannah Arendt has written: "In so far as we live and move and act in this world, we can experience because we can talk and make sense to each meaningtulness only "1 other and ourselves. Clearly, Arendt is pointing to the linguistic nature of our existence,and some major components of this have been covered in the previous six chapters. However, experiencing it is conversational. meaningfulness is more than linguistic What is the differencebetween humans being linguistic being8 and conversational beings? The notion of humans as linguistic beings sits within the context of humans as conversational beings.

-

This will be explained by returning to the basic model that underpins Ontological Coaching, represented by the three inter locking spheres of human existence.The essence of this model is

246

The Hidden Power of Co versations

he elated interrelated

human means

to exist

Simultaneously in the three domains of language, emotions and body.

L

L- Language E- Emotions

B- Body

Figure

B

24.

Interrelated

spheres of human

existence.

Along with language, emotions and body are two ontological domains that are always present in our interactions. time

Every

we speak and

listen,

our emotions and body are

involved. Human conversation involves

inextricably three domains of

all

language,emotions and body. Thus, when we converse with each other (which includes non face-to-face interaction such as

phone,

fax,

and email), we are:

always

listening

(livingin our interpretations);

speaking (in particular, using Basic Linguistic Acts);

we know

whether moods

will

it

or not, various emotions and background

be present,

and

the way we have learned our embodied speak and This gives us

moods

to hold ourselves posturally reflects and orientation to life, and how we

listen.

four core interrelatedcomponents of a conversation.

Listening

Speaking

Emotions

Body

Figure 25. Core components of conversation. 247

Coaching to

the

Human

Soul

around conver sations.Awareness and application of the roles of body, emotions and language is indispensable to the work ot an ontological coach. As an acute observer in these three domains, an ontological Like

coach

what

all

is

other

able to

human activity,

skilfully

is

coaching

is built

or her

to expand observations coachees. conversations with Ontological

apply

his

possible in their learning enables the coach to become a conversational artist highly effective in producing contexts that enable coachees to shift to more constructive and productive ways of being. (Artistry in is an coaching important theme explored in Volume II Ontological Coach ing as Artistry.) In this and the following chapter, the active or generative interpretationof language will be expanded to include the roles of (1)

conversations

and

(1i)

stories and

narratives as

integral

components of our linguistic existence. Our listening and use of Basic Linguistic Acts sit inside a larger context we are conversational beings who live in stories and narratives. Conversations and storieshave the potential to nourish our souls, for they can

-

generate contexts of deep meaning and fulfilment.

Humans as conversational Listening

beings

and

Basic Linguistic

Acts

Humans generaterealities through conversations and stories

Figure

248

26.

Conversations and stoies as

integralfeatures of the nature of human existence.

linguistic

The Hidden Power of Conversations

Conversational behaviour Oxford English Dictionary provides the followin of the word "conversation":

rle Shorter definitions

of living;

the action

. having one's being

as

living

in

or

among;

together; and

.interchangeof thoughts and words. through conversations that we interact with each other, cOordinate actions and get things done. Conversations underpin we do, and what we do and do not and accompany everything accomplish. Human accomplishment is the outcome of human It

is

behaviour, and conversations are

an

integral teature of our

behaviour.

participate in life and engage with the world is profoundly conversational and relational. Our conversational behaviour opens and closes possibilities for how we can

How we

participate

in

the ditferent

we

conversations

domains

of

action.

environments, get important things done, and design for the

Through

build loving relationships, create learning possibilities

future.

In the workplace,

all

work

is

conversational.

Work

is

done in

and through conversations. Indeed, the essence of organisational labour. as conversational work can be characterised labour. fundamentally conversational. The conversational behaviour of leaders and managers is a vital component of the effective functioning and success of an for A crucial workplace competence, Organisational behaviour

is

organisation.

especially

the ability to continually have COnversations that produce value for the organisation. Each Conversation has the potential to impact positivelyand negatively leaders

and

managers,

is

on performance and productivity.

249

Coaching to the

Human Soul

12

Reflective Activity

Take a momentto reflect on your own conversational behaviour

in

various areas of your

life.

How does

your

conversational behaviour contribute to your own of others, at work? performance, as well as the performance

What areas of improvement

How about your home

.How

do you identity?

life?

does your conversational behaviour impact

quality of your family relationships?

In

short, what

doyou do well and

not so well

conversational behaviour atwork and

in

your

home?

Way of Being and conversations Coaching has an organisational settings, Ontological invaluable role to play facilitating conversations that produce value for the organisation.Many breakdowns in relationshipsand In

stem

the conversational behaviour of organisational personnel. You will be aware that an ontological

pertormance

trom

approach to coaching

in

these circumstances goes beyond only

providing conversational strategies (which is not to deny their importance, as we will see later in the chapter). An ontological

coach

is

able to see

how

the

Way

of Being of organisational

not allowing them to have the conversations that personnel matter, and produce value for the organisation. is

How we participate

in

conversations

(our conversational source of our joy and suffering,and the way we participate in conversations is shaped by our Way of Being. behaviour)

is

a

vital

Diagrammatically,

this is

Way of Being

represented as:

Conversational behaviour

Figure 27.

250

Way

of Being shapes conversational

behaviour.

The Hidden Power of Conversations

maY

recognise that this diagram is part of the Secondmodel outlined in Chapter 2. Extending the above Order Learning the three key ingredients of this model, us agram gives

Conversational Way of Being

Three key Figure 28.

Inthischain

ingrcdients

of

or

theSecond-Order

of determination",

Way

Learming model.

of Being shapes

on outcomes. Up to this the book, the emphasis has been on shifting our Way of

as the means to sustainable behavioural

Being

esults

behaviour, which impacts

conversational Doint in

Outcomes

behaviour

distinguishing

this is

However,

change. This

is

a

an ontological approach to change. not the only means by which change can occur.

feature of

acknowledge that sometimes life's circumstances produce shifts in behaviour and ways of being. Events that unexpectedly bring about profound alterations in our daily It

is

important

to

circumstances can impact

on our Way

Order Learning model, this

Take the example of a couple in which one partner experiences a long drawn out struggle well as dealing with cancer, the side effects of drug treatment, as box

labelled

'Outcomes or

is

of Being. (In the Seconda shift that occurs in the right-hand

results'.)

diabetes. An unexpected

outcome has

altering the explore different

occurred,

the couple, who approaches to dealing with cancer together by entering into different conversations (including reading a range of written take material). As well as altering their eating practices,they may on different body practices, such as yoga and meditation. Their living

circumstances

of

deal as they seek conversations with each other may change to i the cancer. In this process each partner may well experience in their

Way

of Being.

They may reach deep

levels

of peace of fundamentally alters their view has shifted how Cmselves and the world. In short, the experience and consequently, their participated in conversations shitts

a

acceptance,

which

nave

Way ofBeing

251

to the

Coaching

Human Soul

Reflective Activity 13

What particular events and

circumstances can you

identify

in

that shifted your conversational experiences and your Way of Being? In other words, you developed a substantially different and positive interpretation about yourself and what lite. In essence, the world showed up as a was possible in different place for you, and you had a different conception of the role you can play in the world. Perhaps you can also life

identify result of

who have experienced an important shift as a an event or changed circumstances.

others

The Second-Order Learning diagram can now be redrawn to cater for the interplay that can happen between results, behaviour and Way of Being.

Conversational

Way of Being , Figure 29.

Life's

Outcomes

behaviour

experiences

can generate and

Way

shifis

or results

in conversational

behaviour

of Being.

By not

allowing for this interplay, there is a risk that themodel misses the power of conversations as a leverage for change, and this is

what

we will turn to next. Conversations and change

It

is

interesting to

consider

the derivation

of the word conversation, which in Latin was "conversare". Con means "with" and versare means "to turn". So literally, conversation means to turn with, or to turn together. The analogy of a dance is often used to express the essence of

effective

conversation: of

two

people being together and moving in ways that are synchronised or coordinated. They move as an integrated unit with both being able

to express their individuality within this integration. When this occurs both people "become lost, or subsumed, in the larger of the itself. move dancing They entity together in a way that 252

The Hidden Power of Conversations

and improVIsation within a design, creating move to a higher plane of experience and

allows for

spontaneity them to she potential for 1bis

the

pofential pouver of conversations. Conversations prOvide contexts for learning and are the of change. The nature of our exstence and co-existence is

learning.

is

dim

When we change the way we participate in we participate in shitting our existence. This shift

conversational. conversations,

individually, as well as collectively (in families, nations and globally). organisations, Human change 1S conversational. Deep and sustainable happens

change occurs through personnel converse with each other organisational

work.

in how organisational the course of their daily

shifts in

When

in particular) begin to people (leaders and managers to each more openly listen other, accept responsibility for their of Basic utilisation Linguistic Acts, begin to manage their moods

nd are

willing to

make minor adjustments

themselves

posturally, the

relationships

can

quality

of

dramatically. When

shift

to

how they

conversations

and

conversations change,

can be enhanced, and different possibilities for what can be accomplished in those relationships.

relationships

hold

emerge

what happens in Ontological Coaching. essentially When someone seeks coaching, they are opening up the potential to engage ina different type of conversation. An ontological coach is someone with the capability to provide a different conversais

This

experience for the coachee. This is an experience that takes the coachee beyond the limitations of their existing ways of and conversing, and produces a constructive shift in observing tional

their

Way of Being.

Conversations are the means by which we participate in and the world. Applying the distinctionscovered in Chapters change 4-9 is an essential foundation for utilising conversations as a

medium of change. The foundational work of these chapters can extended through the provision of a conversational typology. De is a further set of distinctions for recognising and typolo8y utilising different types of conversations, as a means to conserve

ne

is

valued, open wnat change.

new

possibilities,

and generate constructive

253

Coaching

Human

to the

Soul

A

conversational

typology

do many things that are benefit. Some of these are

enable us to

Conversations individual and

collective

to our (in

no

particular order):

Coordinating the various

actions efforts

uwith

others: linkng-up and connecting people.

of difterent

Making sense and generating meaning: developing interpretationsabout what is going on; "reading the world".

Iventingthe future:envisioning future possibilities they might be

and how

realised.

Producing opportunities: generating opportunities tor new ways of participatingin existing domains of action and for participating in

new domains.

a

shared understanding: Creating developing a culture of shared practices, customs and rituals for building a better future together.

Beconning

a

Improving

relationships:with colleagues,loved ones and with

possibility for others: being listened to as someone with something substantialto offer that can produce value for others.

people from different

You may recall

cultural

that these were

backgrounds.

common themes

that were touched upon when the applications of listening and Basic Linguistic Acts were discussed in previous chapters. At the beginning of the chapter it was claimed that our listening and use of Basic Linguistic Acts occurs within the context of conversations. But what sort of conversations, and what is the link between linguistic

acts and different types of conversations? Most of the remainder of the chapter will be this addressing question. The first stage of addressing the question is to identify different types of conversations we can engage in. Fernando Flores and his

a basic set of different conversations that comprehensive, but by no means exhaustive. These are: colleagues

254

identified

is

The Hidden

Conversations

for storiesand personal

.Conversations

torclarity.

Power

of Conversat

assessments.

Conversations for possible action (speculative conversations). for coordination Conversations

of action which can

include the following: Conversations for commitment (promising); Conversations for completion; Conversations for appreciation; Conversations for complaining. for accomplishment. Conversations possible conversations.

Conversations

ftor

Conversations

tor relationship. Figure 30.

A

typology

ofconversations

The types of conversations we participate in set the context for what can and cannot be accomplished; they orient us to what is not possible. Not having an awareness of different types of conversations can limit us in the use of language as a technolog8y and

is

blinding us to

how

they can be used to design the tuture and

fashion more constructive

and productive

realities.

our way through these conversations you are invited to reflect on their application in your world of Conversations - how you may use them and to what etfect, and In working

also

how you may not be utilising them.

Conversations for stories and personal assessments his type of conversation seems to be an essential component of we speak the Our existence. In conversing about circumstances, and why it tory we have constructed about what happened of assessments of

how

it

appened. Within our story is a range be. Should and should not have been, and how it could benefit. When in this manner can have a therapeutic we desire, this are not to our liking and not what to whom we an invaluable conversation. Having someone

Sng stances De

255

to

Coaching

the Human

Soul

our story and "get things off our chests" always has tha to the speaker's emotion. otential shitt Speaking our concerns enables us to begin to see past them and what we can begin to do to take action. At the time of writing the massively can

tell

devastating

impact of the destruction of the World Trade Centre is current, The ongoing conversations about this event and the aftermath are a crucial part of coming to terms with what occurred, in particular tor those directly

affected.

important not to underestimate the importance of this type of conversation. It is possible that our relationships do not It is

provide us with the opportunity to tell our stories.Having our stories honoured can be a crucial concern that connects with our soul. We all have a yearning to speak what is important for us and feel validated in our speaking. We all want the opportunity from time to time to speak about the issues and concerns that are close to our heart and that we feel intensely emotional about. Part of the social nature of our being is the need to speak these. One of the invaluable roles of friendshipis the assessment (which includes

to

a feeling)

that others

honour our stories. This does not mean that with our stories, but they honour us by providing a they agree space of safety and permission in wbich to speak. This is also a crucial role of an ontological coach. Without allowing the stories to run the coaching conversation, the coach is coachee's able to deftly balance providing a safe space for the story, and will

beginning to support the coachee move beyond the story. However, these conversations have a limited value. Beyond

a

certain point they perpetuate the situation, and can have the impact of keeping us stuck in limited ways of observing what 1s possible to improve situations.This is also the conversation of excuses. If we are late to an appointment, we might have a story about the trattic, or the phone call that occurred just as we were leaving. Our excuses and reasons are stories. in an

Perhaps

unsuccessful job application there might be an explanation about not doing well at the interview,or not having enough experience, or suspecting bias in favour of other applicants.

There

always a

risk

that

form of conversation into degenerate "whining, moaning, whingeing and bitching".It is important to remember that language generates realities. When we

256

is

this

can

The Hidden Power of

Conversations

sonversationof our "whinges we perpetuate our moods, amotional state, in turn, Will limit how we can see ways of and for I he forward. Existing reality Observer is maintained. In moving hypnotise ourselves by wehypr maintaining the same stories, the short, Of conversationaily responding. They captivate us and we same a captive of them: the conversations "have us". We become allow to be trapped by them and do not provide ourselves the oursel to move beyond them and learn. When this conversaopportunity can we perpetuate our own suffering. style persists, rional in th

stay

ward. e

aVS a

an

This type of conversation is also the realm of gossip, which has important social value, yet can also be a two-edged sword.

potentially destructive to not only the person at the centre of the story, but also to the speaker and audience, limiting of what is possible. When their perceptions negative gossip is a feature of organisational conversations, it can act as predominant Cossip

is

cancer, slowly destroying the energy and and is often not apparent until too organisation, a

vitality late,

and major

is

required. In their most beneicial torm, conversations for

surgery

of the

stories

and

assessmentsare foundation for moving on and for learning. They can be a means by which we deal with the past, for telling our stories a

and sharing our assessments can provide an "emotional cleansing", the past behind. Another way they can be an enabling us to leave is when others question our importantpart of the learning process, stories and assessments, leading us to develop other perspectives. act of appreciate that the linguistic are also likely key part of this conversation. Assertions as some true assertions may be part of our stories. It

From Chapter 8, you assessing to

play a

is

will

role,

be treating our important not to overlook that we may in this form of assessments as true assertions, and "the truth", IS

also

Conversation. in regard to the likely provide for ourselves is to ask twvo or negative impact of this conversation

One check Deneficial interrelated

we can

questions.

"For the sake of what do we tell our story? What and whose concerns the

will be taken care of

by relating

story?"

257

Human Soul

to the

Coaching

responses to these questions can provide an indispensahla guide for deciding it and how we will articipate in hese Conversations.

Our

Reflective Activity

14

.What observations

do you have ot the

for stories and assessments have

in

role conversations

your personal and

professional life?

What instances can you point to when they are and what instances can you point to have had a negative impact?

How would

you

like

to

utilise this

when you

beneficial,

think they

type of conversation

differently?

Conversations for clarity This

may

well be the most under-rated conversation

participatein.

A conversation

for clarity

is

we

can

about:

articulating our understanding of a situation listening to the understanding of others;and reaching a common/shared understanding.

This

is

such

a crucial

conversation for building relationshipsand It holds the potential for eliminating

tor coordinating action.

and mis-communication, and can greatly facilitate the smooth flow of moving forward together. the in the previous paragraph, in our daily Repeating claim with each dealings other, this is probably the most unrecognisea misunderstanding

and under-utilised conversation. One way importance of

this

we communicate Because

258

is to

of appreciating the pose the question "Why do

with each other?" Typically, we may respond want to get things done" or "Because we want to ger

This seems straightforward enough, but as we have seen, get things done and get results in conjunction with others

results."

we

we

conversation

The Hidden Power of Conversations

of action. Gaining c0operation

the coordination

hrough

we

unless

difficult

have

a

shared

understanding

of

is

our

particular what we want to get done, why it is erspectives, pers to us, and how we are going to do it. In our important urgency to in

imp

easy to overlook the importance of engaging conversations for clarity and not automatically assuming there

get things in

a

is

done, it

is

shared understanding. crucial features of this conversation are

Two (i)

asking questions.

Where

(i)

listening

and

there are different points of view,

with strong emotions involved,

is

easy to not be

listening for the of others concerns within their conversations. Our moods primary it

may be such that there is a sharpness and terseness to how we ask our questions.Indeed, we run the risk of asking questions to gain ammunition to "prove our point", not from wanting to gain a genuine understanding of another person's perspective. Questions are a torm of request. They are essential for the assertions and assessments (including concerns and intentions) that are integral features of interpretations.

establishing

such questions are:

Examples

of

"What

happened ...?"

"Can you

tell

me what

you mean by ...?"

"Canyou

tell

me what

you would

like

to accomplish here?"

"How willyou know ...?" "T'm not sure why this

is

In Ontological Coaching

this is

important for you?"

a "must have conversation. The ontological coach is urged to have "neon lights" around this type of conversation,so that he or she cannot miss it as an imperative. Through questions (which we do not want the coachee to listen to as

to gain his the coach being interrogativeor judgemental) seeks

or her

clarity

Circumstances

of in

how the coachee is viewing the problematic their life, and verifies their understanding of

what the coachee is saying. Without this mutual understanding, the coach may well take the conversation in directions that are unproductive for the coachee. Quite often we are asked questions so that others can gain a Snared understanding of our perspective. These questions can 259

Coaching to the

Human Soul

us to not only be clearer to ourselves, but also to different ideas and develop more usetul interpretations. assist

nerate

15 Reflective Activity

How

effectively

do you employ conversations for clarity

see to be the costs of not

What do you

utilising

this

type of

conversation?

What scope do you observe

tor

a

fuller

use of

this

conversational tool?

In it

which circumstances

precisely

could be

in

life

your

do you

assess

beneficial?

Conversations for possible action (speculative conversations)

The linguistic this

tools of assertions and assessments are central to

conversation. In this torm of conversation true assertionsand

about the present are used as a assessments about a desirablefuture. assessments

How

would

it

"What do you

basis to

make

beif we did "x"2"

think

it

would be

."In the best ofallworlds, how

like

if

we

would you

did "y"?" like

things to be?

What would you see yourself doing?" If this place was running exactly as you wanted

it

to, what

would behappening? Just imagine that the change you desire has happened would that look and sound like, and what would your

-what role be

in it?"

The above

questions can be seen as an invitation to speculate about future possibilities imagined future reality. Acceptin8 the invitation means entering into a speculativeconversation or a

an

conversation for possible actions.The power of

260

this

conversation

The Hidden Power

is

that

it is

h0twer e po

rea

Conversations

not just wishful thinking or setting out some hor lies in the course of action that is defined once a

future

has been articitlatea. This

eality

of

is

why

is

it

referred to as

a

for pOssible actions.

conversation For some people, such conversations may be "pie that are divorced from the material" (wishful thinking)

in

the skv

nitty gritty

of the everyday world.

reality

acities narticular

However, one of the remarkable

of language and conversations is that future into reality. This is not to

we

can imagine a say that we directly

what happens, but through language and conversations have a powertul intluence over what does and does not

cantrol

Can happen.

these conversations are labelled as "brainstorming", in which the free expression of ideas is encouraged and assessments of the practicalities of the ideas are temporarily Current storiesand personal assessments are left aside. put aside. Sometimes

the possibility of beginning to build new stories, which focus on what we could bring about in the future.These are very different stories to those in conversa-

When

tions

this

we engage

in

for stories and personal assessments.

It is

are

occurs

important to note that

not trying to produce

conversation

is

a

initially

in these conversations

speciic "outcome".

on generating a broad

we

The focus of the

future scenario that

A

contains different possibilities. willingness to canvas widely "what could be", and to engage in this exploration is indispens-

type of conversation effective. This may not come readily to some people, anxious to move on with getting things done and producing results. able

for making

An important is

a

background

this

aspect

of the power of speculative conversations

commitment to

bring about a future

reality.

are not about developing a wish list a backthat we "hope" will come true. They carry with them 8round resolve and determination to move forward and generate will uture that will deal with our concerns. Hoping things commitment to do what is required happen without a background to bring dreams to fruition is be associated with passivity, likely to ot Emotional Learning and Volume Speculativeconversations

OOd

resignation (see

II,

Ontological Coaching). 261

Coaching to the

HumanSoul

conversations to Creating the emotional space for these occur in the is essential. It is too easy to be caught up "busyness" of and space to enable these everyday life and not create the time conversations to happen. Moods of acceptance, wonder and ambition

(see

Volume I), as well

as teeling

relaxed, unhurried and

such as physical setting playful,are indispensable. Considerations and comfort, time of the day, and not being interrupted, are all the "creative juices"

for key components in creating opportunities to flow in these conversations. The value of

a

ditferent

setting

normal work routine is widely recognised by away of "setting the scene" for organisations as an important means more stimulating conversations and for the development of from

creative It is

and constructivethinking. important not to omit the

role of the

conversations. Some postural specifics that can

body

facilitate

be -relaxng

in

these

being

in

a

in a peaceful setting, speculative trame of mind can sitting back in a comfortable chair, breathing easily, stretchinglegs forward, or comfortably looking up, possibly with hands clasped

your head. This can enable the development of vivid images of desired futures which produce positive and intense emotions about "whatcould be." behind

Part of theremarkable power of

type of conversation is its generative impact. Speculating about ideas for a different future in isolation (ie, an individual having a conversation with him/ this

very different from the social context of a conversation. Participantsstimulate each other through the expression of ideas, and people find themselves "in a groove" as they leverage offeach herself)

is

others' ideas and develop "creativesychronicity. A potentially useful way of engaging in this conversation

is

work through four stages. 1. Articulate the future reality, by imagining that it is occurring and that you are in it experiencing it now. This is accomplished by asking such present tense questions as:

-

"What does it look like and sound

How

like?

How

is

that different?

does that feel for you?"

2. Then imagine looking back and addressing the question, "What key steps occurred that enabled this to happen, and in

262

The Hidden Power of

what

narticular is

tense

Conversations

you do? Asking questions in the past to create the linguistic and emotional space

did

important

of accomplishment. 3

A

can then be asked (staying in the past tense), question what was different about your attitude and how you

final

So,

conversed

related with others that enabled all this to

and

hanpen?" This then opens up the possibility for a deeper level curious to know what was ditterent about exploration: "T'm vour

Way

allowed

of Being, and

this

how you

related to yourself, that

to unfold?"

the present and look forward to the imagined to getting there, to review what scenario,as well as the steps

4. Return to

has been developed. these stages sets the scene for identifying what Going through to be committed towards and examining how they people want key outcomes of their are going to participate in realsing commitments. in speculative conversations is an Generating and participating competence for leaders. In an increasinglyunpredictindispensable of new able and uncertain world the development organisational to rapidly changing conditions is essential. to practices

respond

Effective leaders

generate

different

narratives of what could be, and

others to participate in these conversations so that a direcand vision is clearly articulated.When this is a shared vision

inspire tion

to people feel part of, they are often willing commit extraordinary of the vision. in the realisation energy and time to coordinate action One note is necessary. While speculative conversations closing

have enormous potential for opening up new worlds for ourselves and others, in and of themselves they are insufficient for bringing to fruition.The visions that come from our speculative conversations will require conversational action, the engagement and cooperation of others to bring8a ecessitating secured by conversations for ISion to reality. This cooperation is different possibilities

the

coordination of action.

263

Coaching

to

the Human

Soul

Self-Coaching Exercise

P

.Take a moment to look at an important area of your that you would

like

life

to be different. Create the physical

and emotional space that will allow you to constructively daydream about a better future reality.

-

Precisely identify all the pieces of this future where, when, with whom, what exactly is different?What does look and sound like and how does it feel for you?

Step into

it

asthough you are experiencing

Then reflect on the different aspects of this

it

it

now.

experience and

was happened that brought this reality about; what happened when and involving whom?

consider what

What was

different

about your behaviour that enabled

these steps to occur, especially behaviour?

your conversational

What important aspects of your Way of Being

shifted to

enable you to have the conversations that mattered and made a significant difference?

Conversations forthecoordination of action The crucial importance of promises and trust in our everyday life was outlined in the previous chapter. This form of conversation is the nuts and bolts of the process for making and managing promises. Although requests and promises, or offers and promises, are at the heart of this type of conversation, all six Basic Linguistic Acts are utilised. This conversation is at the heart of how we "make things happen and build a different future.The nature of this conversation conversational

map called

(see Figure 31).3

264

is

best outlined through a

Making and Managing

detailed

Commitments

The Hidden Power of

Conversations

N

8

igure 31. Making and managing

commitments: a nodel

of

the

conversation

action.

for coordinating

265

Coaching to

the

Human Soul

Making and managing commitments are at the heart of how our the function, lives and arecentral to performance and producThousands upon thousands of requests tivity of organisations. and promises are made in organisations every day. Coordinating action can be viewed as a cycle in which ditterent Iinguistic acts and types of conversations can be effectively utilised. Attention to the

specifics of

the

cycle

can act as a

when communication breaks will

be

Stage

illustrated

1:

for self-improvement of the

map

through the use of requests.

Setting the context (clearly identifying the breakdown)

Three key linguistic acts in and declarations. Assertions

At

map

down. The application

are

this stage are assertions,assessments

made about whathas

or has not happened.

three key assessments are made: an assessment that something is missing, an assessment that a concern or least

concerns are not being addressed, and that successfully dealing with the issuewill be expedited with the assistanceof another

(orothers).

These assessments

are accompanied by two (often silent) important declarations.Firstly, to do something about the problematic issue, and secondly, to call upon another (or others) for assistance.

The conversation clearly

for

clarity

can be crucial in

this initial

stage, in

identifying:

the issueathand the nature of assistancerequired; and

who to call on (request)for assistance. This stage is completed with a declaration to make a request (or an offer). This stage sets the scene for the use of language (as well as moods and body) to coordinate action with others to produce an outcome that will address what is missing and the related concern(s). Following are some examples to set the context for making a request. 266

The Hidden Power of Conversations

nle

1:

I forgot to bring the sales projections with

me.

Pll

and see it he can run them over." tigure out how to use this accounting PIl ask Mary to help me."

phone John Example

2:

I

can't

software.

Ta mnle 3: A more complex team

example is the case of the project which there has been an

in

hitch".

unexpected technical focuses on identifyingthe

The conversation

exact nature of the breakdown, how and who will with, be asked to assist.

Stage 2: Gaining

it will

be dealt

commitment

the pivotal stage that produces a mutual commitment to action in the form of a promise, (covered in detail in the previous chapter). A or offer is made, for the purpose of securing a declaration of request This

is

acceptance. There are two elements of this stage: (i) making an effective request or ofter and (i)knowing the different responses that can be made to a request or offer (seeprevious chapter). A negotiation process may be involved if the responses are either a counter otter or a committment to commit

later.

As we saw

in

the previous chapter, two

dangers in this conversation are assuming a shared underthe assumption standing of the nature of the request (oroffer) and of commitment when a slippery promise has been made. The conversation for clarity, ensuring there is mutual understandingof the of the big

this stage. commitment, can also be crucial during but I forgot the sales Example 1: "John, sorry to bother you, it to me within projection folder. Could you bring

the next hour?" "I can't in the next hour.

It's

more

likely

to be ninety

minutes.

Example 2:

that. Thanks." Fine, I can work with to use this accounting Mary can you show me how a moment now to do that?" package? Do you have but Susan is couldn't help you until tomorrow, she says she can do around. Let me ask her. ... Yes, can wait? that in a few minutes if you

I

Great, thank you for your help."

267

Coaching

to the

Human

Example 3:

Soul

Project leader:

"Okay John, could you

contact tho engineering comparny straight atter this meeting and find out the details for that water pump, and report back to me as soon as you have that intormation?» "Tll get on to it immediately and let you know sOon asT hnd out."

Thankyou." easy to think that gaining a commitment is required. However, this is only the halfway point of It is

all this

that

is

action

cycle.

Stage 3: Performance

and conversation for completion

There are two parts to

this

stage. Firstly, the person accepting the performs the action they have

request (or who has made the otfer)

committed to. Secondly, they indicate when they have completed the required action. There

is

a crucial consideration to bear

part. There are occasions

in

mind for the first

when unexpected

circumstances mean that we are not able to keep the commitment we made. It is vital that the requestee get in touch with the requester as soon as possible, to inform him or her of the unexpected circumstances, and renegotiate the time frame for completion. For example:

"Sue,I'm sorry but we've had a major upheaval in our department with three people unexpectedly away. I'm not going to be able to done what we get agreed for a few more days." Damage can be done to relationships (not to mention and/or

sales) productivity does not occur. This procedure also applies if changed circumstances mean that the original request is no longer important. In this case the requester immediately informs the

when

this

requestee.

The first two examples can be used

to demonstrate

this

stage in

action.

Example 1:

When

John receives the sales projection folder (assuming the required contents are within it!), the

required action is complete.

Example 2: In the case of Susan helping with the software package, this will probably be a negotiated sense of 268

The Hidden Power of Conversations

completion,

when the requester

assesses they have the required familiarity with the software. Susan might ask, "How are you going with that? Do you feel that you have a sutticient as

understanding?"

part of

conversation to ensure that she has played to the satistaction of the her part requester. a

Many times though, the requester will not be automatically a vital part of taking care of aware of completion, and people, and generating positive identity is to simply completion. For example: "It's fine for the production us at the time we specitied". If to meet u. nothing more, it

huilding relationships report

roup

the requester that what is important for him or her has taken care of, and reduces one aspect of uncertainty in their

reassures been

working day.

Stage 4:Assessment

and conversation for appreciation or

complaining In this

stage the requester assesses whether action has been satisfactorily or

not

positive or

negative the trust and assessment). Building relationships, development of performance improvement are enhanced by conversational action, performed

which expresses either

or

(ie,

negative assessment. expressed in the conversation

a positive

a

assessment is for which often can be a appreciation, simply simple "Thank you". For example (using email): "Hi John, thanks for gettingthe report to me on time. It looks fine. I know you've been busy and your This is a much underrated efforts are much appreciated." conversation in our home life, social life and working life. Without this, people can end up feeling not valued and taken for Positive

8ranted, which can produce resentment and a decline

in

the

quality of

performance. for negative assessment moves the cycle back to Stage 1, there has been a breakdown. Something is missing and requires and a request will be made to deal with what is missing action, Constructive expression of a negative assessment utilises the

A

onversation for complaining, and this formal structureof this is as follows:

has four main steps.The

269

Coaching to

Human

the

Soul

Check your understanding of the agreement/commitment in conversation for clarity. For example, *My understanding is that you were to call Neil and let me know by this

1.

a

going

morning when he would be

Is

available.

that accurate?"

shared understanding of the agreement, establish the fact that what was agreed to has not been done (trueassertion). "You haven't contacted Neil?" "No"

2. Assuming there is

a

done (assessments and as a result of this commitment not being met. "Ive assertions) got to tell you that I'nm not at all happy with this. I'm under pressure to make the meeting happen this week, and I don't know if can do that now because we don't know what Neil's

3. State the damage

that has been

I

situation is.

Now my credibility's on the line.

MNer

4. Restate the request. "Can you get in touch with Neil in the next five minutes or at least leave a message and tell him it's

-

urgent- so we can find out his availability? And please stress to him the urgency of getting together this week. Can you do that now and let me know by 11am what's doing?" "Tll get on to it and get back to you in five minutes." There are

can take place, and sometimes doing it informally is important for the relationship. "You know, we slipped up on putting a few pages in the seminar folder, which is unusual. I felt a bit embarrassed when it was

many ways

this

conversation

pointed out. Any idea on what might have happened?

know that

I

to be thorough, so maybe we need one last check in future." Regardless of the wording, what is crucial is that the structure of the four stages is followed. you

like

There are a couple of reasons tant conversation. is

such

a vital

Firstly,

why

this

can be such an impor-

there is the issue of accountability.Trust

part of relationships,and

this

can be an important

way of developing people. Receiving negative feedback can provide an opportunity for improvement.

Without

it

they

may

there is also continue on and developa negative identity. Secondly, the issue of dignity, in this case the dignity of the requester. When we do not use the conversation for complaining, we run the risk Of

allowing

270

our personal and professional standards

to be

com

The Hidden Power of

By adopting

an

Conversations

Oh

well, what can you do" attitude, risk of allowing ourselves to be walked We over, and perpetuating unsatistactory behaviour. The conversation for coordination of action contains the rich xity of the different dimensions of complexityof the we language have been promised.

nthe

throughout most of the book. This section has been an to a conversation that is at introduction the heart of the effective functioning of an organisation. It is applicable for everyday routine interactions as well as providing a blueprint for longer term engagements, Such as managng a complex project. Any can be thought of as a organisation recurrent exploring

cycle of cooperative

which people with specialist skills in different domains on each other to accomplish tasks essential for rely the survival and growth of the organisation. The conversation for coordination of action is activity, in

related

to trust and

is

at the heart of the effective

intimately functioning of

any organisation. A more detailed outline of the model Making and Managing Commitments is contained in Volume IV, which focuses on an ontological of perspective organisations.

Reflective Activity

16

When you look at the four differentstages ofmaking

and

managing commitments, and the different parts of some stages, which components stand out for you? Which areas

do you do well and which areas do you note for improvement?

What

do you think

is

the cost of not

aspectsof the model-what done to your relationships?

Inifewhat

applying all damage do you think is being fully

your personal and professional can you apply the model to enhance the quality of your specific areas of

relationships?

271

the

to

Coaching

Human

Soul

Conversations for accomplishment The essence of this conversation is a public acknowledgment oe what has been accomplished or achieved. This conversation utilises assertions and assessments, and can be integrated with the conversation for appreciation.In a world of constant "busyness"i is easy to move from one task to another, being busy "keeping up with things" and not wanting to get behind and be overwhelmed.

Life

can

like

whatever

This

is

feel like is

a recipe

swimming against the tide, and at times it can seem done and how quickly it is done is never sufficient. for suffering,compromising the

opportunity

to live

we overlook what has been satisfying accomplished and how much progress we have made. The conversation for accomplishment is an opportunity to take a pause trom busyness and retlect on what has been accomplished a more

life.

In our busyness

over a certain period of time. It is an opportunity to begin to acknowledge and recognise not only what has been done, but also to publicly express how we value others and ourselves. It can be an important part of morale and ensuring a positive spirit, and is a forerunner for a conversation for appreciation.

We

can engage in a conversation

individually and

When by our own

collectively.

we have accomplished, we are engagng in this form

for accomplishment both we list the various milestones

volition and through others, of conversation. This can be a

have at the end of a day, at the end of a week, a month or a quarter.When done collectively, each person in the group or team expresses what has been accomplished by other members of the group, which involves acknowledging the valuable conversation

to

contributions of specific individuals.It can be a highly effective way of building morale and providing a new foundation for

moving forward.

Conversations for possible conversation You may have frustratedin person.

want to

272

experienced occasions when you have felt your attempts to talk about an issue with a particular

Somehow you never get to have the conversation you have, much to your frustration.Perhaps the person you

The Hidden Power of Conversations

to

wis

ice it

speak with is very good at avoiding the topic when you and you alloW yourselt to be diverted. Whatever

happens, person does not want to "dance" with you issue you have raised. about the Why is having a conversation with this person important for there is some concern rO?Because key for you that is not being raken care of. If it is a workplace issue, perhaps it is related to and performance. ineffective coordination Perhaps it is about is an issue about trust, or perhaps it dignity maybe your own clear that thiS

is

it

-

of others. and/orthe dignity A specitic type of conversation can be useful in this situation, and this is the conversation for possible conversation. The essence of this

conversation

is

to see

if

we

can secure a commitment

the other person to have a conversation concern."Twice last week I raised with you

production scheduling but imperative that

is

it

we

never got

we speak about

you are not available now, can have this discussion." if

this

from about our issue of my concern about our

to talk

and

I

about

am

we set aside a specific

it.

I

believe

requesting that time when we

important to acknowledge that having a conversation for a possible conversation with someone senior to us can take courage. Itis

If

the person is clearly

uncomfortable about the issue raised, they

may seek to use their position to intimidate or further divert the conversation.There is no easy way to deal with this, only to be prudent about how far you are prepared to push things, and perhapsalso begin to question how this issueis impacting satisfaction with your current work role.

on your

play a critical role. In our to generate improvement, "holding the truth" might blind us. If we are speaking from a position of being right and require the other person to see the correctness of our view, then we are

As with

all

conversations,

moods

ere

dismissive of their perspective. We may be so oriented towards improving things that we focus on the outcome we want being

and not on having a conversation that is a (as opposed to dialogue a monologue). The conversation we want to have cannot occur have the permission and commitment ot the other party. listened to as a herefore, it is important that our request is not tnreat. It is crucial that there is a genuine respect for the other

unless

273

Coaching to the

HumanSoul

person

holding them as

and

(ie,

curiosity, with

crucial.

This

legitimate other).

Moods

an openness and willingness

is especially

-the conversation

a

the case for the

final

to

of wonder learn, are

type of conversation

for relationship.

Conversations for relationship This conversation

is

generated by

a

concern for what

is

happening

a in a relationship. At least one party experiences continuing deterioration that does not seem to be rectifying itself. It also seems that unless one party takes the

initiative,

the Situationwill

not only not improve, but there is likely to be a significant decline are personal in the quality of the relationship The consequences suffering and,

in

the workplace, reduced pertormance

and

declining productivity. The issue, at least for one party, is the relationship itself. An be something opening sentence to this type of conversation may along the following getting on very well

lines.

"It seems to

me

that we have not been

am concerned

about that and I would like it if we could have a discussion about what might be going on and how we might inmprove things." Based on an assessment (or lately.

I

of assessments) one party publicly acknowledges (declares) that the relationship is not going well for them. Although not series

the words of the example), there is an implicitrequest for a conversation. Although the other party may not agree with their asessment, their willingness to accept the implicitrequest explicit

(in

means that a conversation can occur. participate in this fear conversation. We may feel awkward, and our could be worst that we might be dismissed or ridiculed by the other person. But underneath all that we still have the assessment that unless the

Courage

is

required

to

initiate

and

"looked at" things will continue to go downhill and the long-term future of the relationship is not very positive from our perspective. This is an easy conversation to avoid because we can be caught by an assessment that we will be in uncomfortable, uncertain, the mood perhaps unsate, emotional territory. It would seem that

relationship

is

of openness to learning, including wonder

274

and

curiosity,

is

The Hidden Power of Conversations

we do not know for sure what the In raising our concern will be. Our assessment reaction of the other person emotional for them to venture into. is scary territory that this essential. essential. notional

may be Breakdowns a assesses that to

in

elationships occur

when at

least

one party

is not being addressed. It key concern (or concerns) that this is either a result of intentionalaction by

assume

at best, thoughtlessness. A non-threatening and party or, in which we express our concerns is non-blaming orientation In doing so it is vital to ensure that the finger is

easy

rhe other

indispensable.

touUards ourselves, because it is our concern and It 1S not so much about what others did to us, but our assessment. to what happened. The issue is not so much how we responded of the other person. The issue is our assessments of the behaviour in particularwhich of our standards of acceptable their behaviour, behaviourhave been "violated". An essential prerequisite for the conversation for relationship for clarity: *What concerns of mine are not is a self-conversation always points

being

taken care of here and which of

my

standards are not being

is to work through the important part of this process so that we can grounding assessments procedure (see Appendix C) In articulate what is not working for us in the relationship.

met?

An

clearly

to be doing so, it is important "holding the truth", but to speak

aware of not being caught in from "this is how it is from my

Needless to say, as this conversation proceeds, if we do not hold the other person as a legitimate other, then there may not be the requisite openness in our listening to facilitate a Constructive conversation. At the same time, it is equally and listen from the position ot a important that we perspective".

speak

legitimateself". By not having this type of conversation we risk the long-term be held in future of the relationship. Negative assessments may Our private m0ods conversations, which result in negative of pervasive infiltrating the relationship, and the development tension

and

elationship necessary,

not to mention mistrust. Eventually, the break down and a major "salvage operation" is

irritability,

may

requiring third party assistance.

Every relationshiphas its rocky and challenging patches and nany relationships do not have these conversations directly.

275

Coaching to

Human Soul

the

and mutual recognition that things aro not Perhaps there is a tacit as they could be. While not publicly acknowledging this, because cause of the commitment

to the relationship and underlying respect fo

private commitment to do what is better care of the relationship. However, when necessary to take of a this does not occur, the publie acknowledgment concern, and be essential for the continuation of can associated conversation, each other, both

parties

make a

a

relationship. The

potential richness of this form of positive conversation, not only tor the relationship,but also the growth of each party, cannot be underestimated.

Self-Coaching Exercise

Q

What circumstances in your lite right now would be enhanced by a conversation for relationship?

What has prevented you from having conversation? Are you clear about the concerns and standards that are this

not being or have not been taken care of?

What self-conversationfor clarity you can be

How

is it

to initiate Finally,

articulate

about what

be necessary so that not working for you?

will is

important for you to be emotionally and bodily this conversation?

who may it be useful for you

to have a chat with

(another party) as a means of providing yourselt with support to have a conversation for relationship?

To close this chapter, here are three examples of the application of the conversational typology that has been outlined.

Ontological

Coaching

in action (18)

Henry had experienced a number of breakdowns in his personal and professional relationships. During the coaching conversation a negative self-assessmentbecame apparent, this being "Im weak and I'm not up to it". This had been learned in his teenage years in his relationshipwith his father and from some school experiences.

276

The Hidden Power of

Conversations

was also plagued by private conversations in which he was himselt for the recent breakdown of an intimate personal herating LHe

relationship.

keen learner and had responded very enthusiastically to between-session assignments in which he was invited to a number of questions. The coach saw the to respond in writing to engage Henry in a conversation for appreciation, ODportunity Henry was

a

being one of self-appreciation.Henry was asked to consider rwo questions and respond in whatever way seemed suitable for value about and "What do you him. "What do you yourself?" want to value about yourself that you are not valuing now?" This was the basis for part of the conversation at the next session,in this

which Henry articulated his detailed responses to both questions. He was surprised and delighted at what he valued about himself, and read through his list as a series of declarations.He was also about the second list, which was the basis for the coach positive

Henry to declare how he was going to value himself even more. This was the toundation for supporting Henry to design occur in his conversations with himself and ways this was going to with others. Substantial mood and body coaching was also part of inviting

this

process.

Ontological

Coaching in action (19)

a major packaging company had found it schedules. This was a difficult to meet production increasingly the general manager, concern for both their manager and A key work group

in

major and the group had

within the developed a negative identity was could see that the production schedule

The coach the production planners and the being treated as a declaration by Work group supervisor. It was pointed out that the weekly of the group for Schedulewas a request, requiring the cooperation

company.

satisfactory

completion.

The coach took the planners and the work group through the and Managing Commitments, conversational model Making each stage related to their work Inviting them to identify how as a result. process. A number of changes occurred

277

Coaching to

the

HumanSoul

Firstly, the planners met each week with the supervisor and another work group member tO negotiate the scheduling for the following weck. This had the important etfect of planners and the work group developing a better understanding of cach and expectations. other's roles, responsibilities Secondly,

work group members were

able to pinpoint the

damage done by some key recurring breakdowns. One of these was with a key supplier who was not managing promises. Rather than wait for the manager to act on this, the

supervisor

was granted permission to deal directly with the supplier, saving time and also providing the work group with

greater

This had the effect of reinforcing the responsibility. importance ot promises in the workplace the promises they make and the promises others make to them.

-

Finally, at the end of each week the supervisor reported directly via email the details about the percentage of the schedule that had been completed (declaration of

completion) to the plant manager, as well as the general manager of the division.

There was a rapid and marked increase in productivity, the of the schedule met percentage being rising from 85% to 97%. The group was also able to take on a higher volume of work. In addition, there were more "floor visits" by the plant manager and gestures of appreciation such as cinema passes and tickets to sports events, as well as notes of appreciation from the general manager.

Ontological

Coaching in action (20)

The senior managers

of two medium-sized companies were at a to half-day meeting consider the possibility of combining their operations.The idea of merging had been initiated by the leader of

one the companies.

The coach was

invited to be present in a process-consulting role to "keep the lines of communication open during discussions" and make any other observations she deemea pertinent.

278

The Hidden Power of Conversations

had been listed for discussion. Apart from ious items a to the moods of the variOus speakers, what their major listening seemed to be, and the assertions and assessments in their

nfs,

concerns. the coach the comments,

was also tracking the types of conversations

occurring an hour she sought permission to intervene. In Afterabout halt the discussion had predominantly been a series her interpretati of stories and personal assessments, in particular of conversations

and would what would It to be considered.

not work, and likely pitfalls that needed was not that these were not relevant

but she

considerations,

felt

that these were better

to a later

left

She acknowledged the importance of items that had been outlined the nature of a speculative conversation discussed, and

meeting.

and asked

if

this

was a conversation

they thought worth having.

to facilitate this conversation. She received permission She invited the managers to imagine that it was twelve months future,that the two companies had successfully merged, and both had benefited enormously from the merger. She invited into the

them

to

write, say and draw what

was going

well, and what they

would see, hear and feel that would be indicators of this success. They were invited to imagine they were living the situation, ie, actually

"in

it".

From that future she invited them to look back to

time when they had first met to discuss the merger, and record the key events,milestones and decisions that had occurred along

the

the

successtul journey. She said

it

was important to

write and

speakin the past tense. Future meetings were arranged to continue the speculative conversation,and use it to flesh out in more detail what both with companies wanted from the merger. She remained working companies through the merger process, showing them how O use a range of conversations. She included a conversation for DOth

aPpreciation so that the companies could specify what they of operation Cspecially appreciated about their existing modes

nat they wanted

to retain in a

COnversation (what would

new

identity.

The

original also

and would not work, etc) was

eCommenced to help provide practical considerations in a merger Peration. In addition, she showed them how to utilise the

279

Coaching to

Making

the

Human

Soul

and Managing

Commitments

myriad of actions involved

in

the

model to coordinate tho

transition

period.

Notes 1Hannah Arendt, TheHuman 2

The

Condition. p. 4.

scenario inspiration for this

is

Ken

Wilber's

book, Grace and Grit. what can be regarded

commitments and also commitments that is fundamentalto the existence. This larger context is outlined in Appendix D. Promises

are

larger context of

280

sit

within

nature of

as a

human