Best From the Farmers Almanac [1 ed.]

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Obtaining permissions to reprint in book form the many delightful items contained herein has been a Herculean task. To the best of our ability we have tracked down and obtained these authorizations, and have checked out all items sent in by readers as best we could. Should we in some cases have failed to get the proper approval, or used incorrect credit, we beg forgiveness and assure a correction in future editions. We are grateful to the many folks who generously gave us the right to use their work in this volume. May we say a special “thanks” to the editors of Kreolite News, Quote, and Sunshine Magazine, in whose publications so many of the flavorful quips and delightful jokes first appeared. Thanks, too, from the bottom of our heart, to our many friends of TV and radio, particularly Barbara Allen, Deborah Adams, Ralph Allinger, Gene Amole, Shirley Arch, Paul Barclay, Bill Barker, Barbara Barnes, Patt Barnes, Tony Bekas, Bill Bennett, Frank Blair, Bob and Ray, Dave Campbell, Patti Cavin, Dick Clark, Ralph Collier, John Corbett, Roselle Coury, Walter Cronkite, Bud Dancy, Mary Dee, Charles Day, Carl deSuze, Bob DeBardelaben, Deacon Doubleday, Mike Douglas, Hugh Downs, Ted Doyle, Galen Drake, Hal Dutch, Douglas Edwards, Carl Eilenberg, Jack Eno, Hugh Ferguson, Bud Finch, Dee Finch, Ed and Pegeen Fitzgerald, Priscilla Fortescue, Joe Franklin, John Franklin, Dorothy Frisk, Dorothy Fuldheim, Dan Fusco, John A. Gambling, John B. Gambling, Garry Geers, Jim Gerard, Dick Goddard, Arthur Godfrey, Kathy Godfrey, Bill Gordon, Jim Graner, Peter Hackes, Arle Haeberle, Betty Hannon, Dean Harris, Ed Harvey, and Paul Harvey. Also to Kathy Hehir, Jim Hill, Fred Hillegas, Mary Ellen Holmes, Parker Hoy, Carl Ide, Carol Johnson, Jay Johnson, Phil Johnson, Ed Joseph, Durward Kirby, Gene Klaven, Kay Larson, Dick Lewis, Art Linkletter, Larry Lyons, Claude Mahoney, Ted Malone, Harry Marble, Clyde McClain,

Don McNeill, Maggie McNellis, Mike Mearian, George Menard, Bill and Mildred Miller, Art Milner, Del Monaco, Frank Mooney, Garry Moore, Ray Moore, Harry Morgan, Rex Morgan, Ed Murphy, Jack Murphy, Bob Neal,

Ray

Odom, John Otto, Ray Parker, Deane

Parkhurst, Pat Patterson, Jean

8

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Phair, Lee Phillip, Joe Rainey, Gene Rayburn, Tad Reaves, Carol Reed, Joe Rosenfield, Jr., Kay Russell, Dick Schlipp, Professor Schnitzel, Alan Scott,

Dorothy Shank, Pete Smythe, Pat Stanton, Ted Steele, Jack Sterling, Charles J. Stevenson, Ed Sullivan, John Cameron Swayze, Charles Tarkinson, Wayne Tyler, Robert Webster, Bob Wells, Starr Yelland, Dale Young, Hal Youngblood, and others ad infinitum. And to writers Leo Aikman, Robert Allen, Earl Aronson, Paul Ballard, Jce Beamish, Eleanor Billmyer, Jim Bishop, Thomas Boland, Robert Christie, Bob Considine, Pie Dufour, Tom Fesperman, Dayle Frazier, Sr., Winsor French, Curt Haseltine, Elmer Hinton, Johnny Jones, Russell Kane, Nick Kenny, Bill Langzettel, Gilbert Love, Jerry Nusbaum, Sol Padlibsky, Inez Robb, Murray Robinson, Julian Scheer, Bob Sylvester, Bill Tangney, Burt Tuttle, Edgar Van Olinda, Walter Winchell, and many more, our sincerest thanks.

RG:

CONTENTS

Foreword

Il

Capsules of Wisdom

Terse Verse Potpourri Bits of Humor Beloved Poems

3

41

Watch out for school children— especially if they’re driving cars.

him

If your palm itches, it’s a sign that

“you're

The drive-in theater is defined as a place where a young man goes to shut off his ignition so neycan try

Why draft married men—they have no fight left in them.

to introduce

If your wife wants to learn drive, don’t stand in her way.

to

Your dollar goes farther these days. In fact a lot of it ends up in outer

space.

In old Roman

days they had

to

We’ve never had it so good nor taken away from us so fast.

~give up their Coliseum because the lions were eating up all the prophets.

Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

You're not driving your car after you pass 65 miles an hour, you’re

The trouble with being a good sport is you have to lose in order to

aiming it.

prove it.

People who complain that they don’t get all they deserve should con-

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

gratulate themselves.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes,

Ambitious wife: hind the drone.

The

power

be-

CAPSULES

OF WISDOM

Singing is a man’s bathright.

35

He who laughs last probably tended to tell the story himself.

in-

Forbidden fruit is responsible for

many a bad jam.

Some cars have fluid drive; others just have a drip at the wheel.

You can depend on fat men— they'll never stoop to anything low.

Sign in employment office: “Don't underestimate yourself. Let us do it for you.”

An expert is a character from out of town.

People who aren’t afraid to roll up An

expert

is an

expert

as

their sleeves seldom lose their shirts.

An expert is someone who is called in at the last minute to share the blame.

We must not blame God for the fly, for the man made him. He is the resurrection, the reincarnation of our own dirt and carelessness.

long as he guesses right.

only

Inscription on a bopster’s tombstone: “Don't dig me, man—I'm

Good deeds are the purest form of

gone!”

prayer!

v

The best way to kill time is to get

God

busy and work it to death.

every

Behini d woman—and him, too.

she

there’s

man usually

grant me serenity to accept

things I cannot

a

=

change,

courage

to

e the things I can, and wisdom differ rence-—— to k know the iffe

catches What you are is God’s gift to you. , What you make of yourself is you

A girdle is a device used to keep an unfortunate condition from spreading.

When the grass looks greener on

\ gift to G . It’s the little things that annoy us; we can sit on a mountain but not on

4 tack,

the other side of the fence, it may be

that

they

take

better

care

of it

over there.

Some folks are so busy being good

they forget they should be busy doing good.

A good excuse is one you can use

over and over.

What’s so remarkable about love

at first sight? It’s when people have : looking at each other for years been _ good in boss your put to One way

humor is—do the dishes for her!

that it becomes remarkable.

Sign on a church—“This church is Prayer-Conditioned.”

Sad fact of life: make round people.

Square

meals

36

BEST FROM THE FARMERS’ ALMANAC

A mean man is one who guesses how much his wife paid for a new hat before she gets around to telling him.

Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind

and when

to mind

Kissing a girl is like opening a bottle of olives—if you get one the rest come

easy.

your

speech.

A wise man will make portunities than he finds.

Trouble is only work clothes.

opportunity

Nature has given to men tongue, but two ears, that we

A conversation is like a good meal. You should leave it just before you have had enough. In these

days

it is hard

to tell

a person is walking to re-

duce or reduced to walking.

The early fish gets hooked for the same thing the early bird gets credit for.

The bigger a man’s head gets, the easier it is to fill his shoes,

hear twice as much A wise man good fortune.

op-

A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.

Tolerance is a kindly attitude toward others which enables the rich to feel that there’s no disgrace in becoming poor, should have education so that you won’t have to to people; and then more edso that you will be wise not to look down on people.

Say what you will about the devil, he’s a hustler!

one may

as we speak.

turns

chance

into

Early to bed, early to rise—till you make enough money to do otherwise.

Sign on a lawn: “Keep off the grass. Remember when you too were struggling for recognition.” Arguing with a woman is like going into a shower bath with an umbrella. What good does it do?

Worry

is the

those who borrow

You enough look up ucation enough

more

in

Think twice before you speak, especially if you intend to say what you think.

whether

Prayer is a time exposure of the soul to God.

interest

paid

by

trouble.

A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye. All you folks who

have troubles,

remember the teakettle—it may be up to its neck in hot water but it always continues to sing.

If it weren’t for the optimist, the never know how

pessimist would happy he isn’t.

It’s all right to drink like a fish as long as you drink what a fish does.

CAPSULES

OF WISDOM

37

There is just as much horse sense as ever, but it seems like the horses have it.

Living in the past has one thing in its favor—it’s cheaper.

Many of us spend half our time

dog. The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog. He feeds the hand that bites him!

The wishing for things we could have if

we didn’t spend half our time wishing. You

probably

wouldn’t

worry

about what people think if you could know how seldom they do.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. The surest way to hit a woman’s heart is to take aim kneeling. Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.

Man is a reasoning rather than a reasonable animal. You

are getting pretty old when

you feel as young

as you ever did.

nobiest

of all beasts

is the

Get acquainted with your neighbor; you might like him!

A little lie is not so bad—it’s all those you have to tell to keep up with the first that makes you uncom-

fortable. Whenever nature leaves a hole in a person’s mind, she generally plasters it over with a thick coat of conceit.

change others. The atheist is a most embarrassed man who, when he is profoundly grateful for a favor, has no one

A hen is only an egg’s way making another egg.

of

Time is like money, the less of it we have to spare, the further we make it go.

thank.

Sa ee

A quitter never ever quits. Many

to

ideas,

like

wins. A winner

many

people,

look good until you try them out. No one is so busy as the man who has nothing to do.

Past experience should be a guidepost, not a hitching post. Bad habits are like a comfortable bed—easy to get into but hard to get out of,

Vision is what we admit we have when we find that we guessed correctly. You know a man is successful when the newspapers start quoting him on subjects he knows nothing about.

38

BEST FROM THE FARMERS’ ALMANAC

Luck is a lazy man’s estimate of a worker’s success. A

‘successful

marriage

In the days of sunshine, so live that in the days of rain thou shalt still be happy.

involves

give and take, he gives and she takes over.

Only those who have the patience to do simple things perfectly will acquire the skill to do difficult things

Many people who now drive so fast past a schoolhouse are the very

easily.

same ones who were so slow when they passed through it. When a man are Over—many

marries his troubles things.

A lot of people are smarter than they look—and they ought to be. Love is oceans and emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses.

Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little.

You can usually dodge a question with a long-winded answer. Many receive advice, wise profit by it.

only

the

He who does not think too much of himself is much more esteemed than he imagines.

he 9 person who never makes a mistake never does anything. That’s his biggest one.

The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention.

What the world needs is more open minds and less open mouths.

The worst fault of a motorist his belief that he has none.

is

He who would gather roses must not fear the thorns.

they

The average person probably hasn’t stored up enough treasure in heaven to make the down payment on a harp,

Don’t

jump

at conclusions,

may jump back at you.

The danger of seeing ourselves as others see us could be that lots of

us wouldn’t

see anything much.

Smiles embellish a homely redeem an ugly one.

A face,

saver

It takes Everyone is expected to good—not to make excuses. The time to make fore you need them.

make

friends is be-

grows

poor. A spender seeming rich.

a man

rich by seeming grows

to

poor

admit

wrong but it usually takes

by

he’s

a woman

to prove it. By using intuition a woman can guess right about as often as a man.

°

CAPSULES This is the final test of a gentleman, his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him.

OF WISDOM

39

Did you ever pray about it? No

one

is ever

too old to learn,

but many people keep putting it off. Advice is seldom welcome. Those who need it most like it least.

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