Become One: Claim the Drivers Seat of Your Life! is about understanding, accepting, and managing the Sub-Personalities i
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Table of contents :
Chapter 1 Who Gets In the Way?
Chapter 2 Some Simple “Subs”
Chapter 3 Theatre of the “Subs”
Chapter 4 Sub Excavation Multiplied
Chapter 5 When Both Partners Exhume Their Sub-Personalities
Chapter 6 The Author’s “Subs”
Chapter 7 Sub Integration
BECOME ONE CLAIM THE DRIVERS SEAT OF YOUR LIFE! BY: CHERIE CARTER-SCOTT, PH.D.
Special heartfelt thanks go to Michelle Christensen for editing the manuscript and formatting the text and images. Additional thanks go to Julia Levy whose artwork has enhanced the friendliness of the manuscript, and whose cover art has captured the essence of the message.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Even though I have never read a book on sub-personalities, nor have I ever participated in any workshops on that subject, I feel a need to acknowledge those who have contributed to the body of knowledge on this subject. Regardless of our paths not crossing, when an idea’s time has come, many are guided to similar information. The names below have certainly laid the groundwork for the work that has organically evolved through both our MMS Institute Inner Negotiation Workshop and our MMS Coach Training that we have been conducting since 1975. These names are listed in alphabetical order and to the best of my knowledge these people are those who (some greater and some to a lesser degree) have contributed to work in this field. If I have missed someone who is not listed, I sincerely apologize. Roberto Assagioli Molly Young Brown Rita Carter Miriam Dyak Jay Earley John Firman Mark D. Forman Kevin Hogan Elliott Ingersoll John H. King, Jr. Heinz Kohut Hal Stone & Sidra Levi Stone Dr. John Rowan Robert Keegan Richard C. Schwartz Debbie Unterman George E. Vaillant James Vargiu Ann Weiser, Ph.D. Ken Wilber Thomas Zinser
Sincere Gratitude to those who have contributed to this book…their case studies lay the groundwork for coaches to help others integrate facets of themselves and Become One! Anne-Else Anneke Annelies Caroline Cornelie Geesje Jaap Marc Marily Michael Monique Pascal Paul Richard Wendy
TABLE OF CONTENTS Chapter 1 Chapter 2
Who Gets in the Way? Some Simple “Subs”
Theatre of the “Subs”
Sub Excavation Multiplied
Partners Exhume “Subs”
The Author’s “Subs”
CHAPTER 1 WHO GETS IN THE WAY? New Year’s Resolutions January is the perfect time to start the New Year with a new perspective, new goals, new energy, and new hope. You may be coaching someone who has some of these goals to launch their New Year in a positive way: I want to exercise three times per week I want to stop smoking I want to start being on time I want to get to sleep before midnight These goals may not be Earth shattering or life altering, but they represent a snapshot in time that provides a clear “Before” and “After” image of someone’s desired behavior changes for the New Year. Most people have the best of intentions on January 1st, however, as the weeks and months progress, they often gradually slide back to their old behaviors because the familiar and comfortable behaviors are more imbedded and habitual than the new unfamiliar ones. By March 1st, many people will have forgotten their lofty, inspired goals and settle back into their previous comfort zones of last year, last decade, or even the last century. This is not tragic, but rather the average and normal pattern of the best of intentions. The question is, “Why does this happen?” You may say, “Laziness!” or “That’s human nature!” or “Motivation only lasts so long, people are creatures of habit,” or “Changing behaviors is hard work!” This is exactly one reason people choose to retain a coach. The coach acts as a bridge from the past to the future. The coach eases the transition and helps the reinforcement of the new desired behaviors. The coach helps the individual transition into who they want to be rather than clinging to who they have been in the past. The question is, how can someone effectively change behaviors and make them stick…permanently? If you look inside the human “Choice-Making” mechanism you will notice that while one part of the individual may be clearly motivated to change, another part may appear less inspired about
the prospect of changing anything at all… exercising, becoming a non-smoker, transitioning to become a punctual person, eliminating procrastination, ceasing to nail bite, eliminating carbohydrates, including adding an additional hour more of sleep per night. The less motivated part may be resistant, disbelieving, or even sabotaging the possibility of transformation. You may be using this book as a tool to use with your coaching clients, but for expediency, let’s use you as an example. We can assume that you have already achieved the majority of your goals and are totally client-focused, however, just imagine for the time we are together that you are the focus. This will make the process easier and more fluid. Ready? Let’s begin! Imagine that you committed to exercise on a regular basis. Does a voice inside your head come up with reasons and excuses that justify your inability to get this accomplished? Does work become daunting and prohibitive, gobbling up every free moment at lunch and after work? Does another voice convince you to stay in bed in the morning to steal another hour of well-deserved sleep rather than dragging yourself out of bed and going to the gym? Imagine a mental conversation between the different facets of your personality; the side that wants to grow and improve and the opposite side that wants to stay the same. You could label them “Stay the Same” (SS) verses “Grow and Develop” (GD). The conversation might sound something like this: GD: You said that you would exercise three times per week! SS: Yeah, but tomorrow is a good day to start. GD: There is no time like the present. SS: You need your sleep! GD: Do what you said you would do! SS: It’s raining outside. I could catch a cold. Better go back to sleep. GD: You’re going to get fatter if you don’t exercise! SS: One day won’t matter. I can easily start tomorrow. GD: Always tomorrow. That’s what you do, you delay the process. SS: I need to have energy to exercise. I have no energy today.
GD: You are becoming a couch potato! SS: I will get around to it, but today I just need my rest. GD: There you go making promises and not sticking to them. SS: If I push myself too hard I will only rebel. I need space. GD: I simply cannot trust you to do what you say! SS: I will get around to it, but today is just not the right day to start. Perhaps tomorrow! Does this sound familiar? If you go to a party with friends, having made the commitment to stop smoking, does the little voice inside undermine your choice by coaxing, “Just one won’t hurt!” If you want to get to bed before midnight, does a little voice rationalize, “There is a great movie on tonight, start tomorrow!” What power percentages would you allocate to each side? Seriously consider allocating numbers to the “Stay the Same” side vs. the “Grow and Develop” side. What would you estimate: Seventy vs. thirty? Sixty vs. forty? Fifty-fifty? Who usually wins this competition? Do you know which side you would bet on if this were an official contest? Whom would you ideally like to win? Who usually wins? Have you ever noticed a conversation like this in your mind? Or maybe this reminds you of a conversation you have had with someone you coach. Did that conversation address the pros and cons of following through and doing what had been promised, especially when a big part of the person in question really didn’t want to do “it?” Have you listened to both sides unsure which side to take? Ask your coachee which side usually wins? The voices of the mind may have a tendency to: Be fearful or cavalier Criticize or praise Judge or sympathize Empower or sabotage self or others Discipline or liberate Defeat or encourage Be professional or capricious Talk you out of or into making certain decisions These voices can impede progress if allowed by:
• Rendering you unable to decide or choose (anything) • Overwhelming you with options • Imposing pressure both external and internal • Flip-flopping back and forth • Exhibiting contradictory behaviors to expressed goals • Being fearful of making mistakes • Making a mess of relationships or situations If there are at least two voices that have a conversation influencing you in opposite directions, this is what I call a “Mind Dialog.” The “Mind Dialog” is evidence that the person in question has made a shift from being a peaceful, calm, and centered person who was “At One” with himself to a person engaged in an inner dialog or discussion. This dialog can take on any tone, however, when you cannot make a choice or a decision, it can easily become confused, uncertain, and even agitated. Since there is a conversation happening, there must be a minimum of two voices engaged in a dialog. This conversation can either motivate or demotivate; it can encourage or discourage keeping agreements with yourself. The choice as to which voice you pay attention to, encourage, nurture, and develop is ultimately up to you…and reconciling this dilemma is what enables you to ultimately “Become One.”
In some cartoons, the voices of angel and devil sit on either shoulder whispering in each ear, urging the person in the middle to follow their agenda. It can be very humorous until you see the dynamic playing out in your own life, being buffeted about by forces that seem beyond your control. Paying attention and noticing the subtle voices of encouragement or sabotage is the very first step in the process to Become One with “Yourself.” Stretching out of your comfort zone Does one part of you see yourself as capable, competent, and ready to meet any challenge life presents to you? Does another part of you see yourself as an accident looking for a place to happen? Perhaps memories of the kid who was uncoordinated, who couldn’t read words when the rest of the class was reading paragraphs; who couldn’t add numbers when the rest were multiplying and dividing; who couldn’t remember simple word definitions when other children were mastering grammar in different languages? Perhaps you were teased or bullied? Does a voice in your head exclaim, “You’ve never done that before!” “You’re terrible with numbers!” “You’ll never learn to use a computer!” “No one in your family has ever learned a foreign language, who do you think you are?” The next level to Become One, beyond formulating your New Year’s resolutions, is developing yourself in a variety of new ways… expanding your capabilities, increasing your repertoire of competencies, and becoming more adept and knowledgeable in areas that interest you, both personally and professionally. In order to do this, you must flush out old belief systems that are in opposition to your present and future wishes for yourself. If part of you doesn’t believe that you have the ability to do what you say you will do, then you will either succumb to the self-fulfilling prophesy, wrestle with a lack of alignment, or possibly encounter an internal saboteur who argues for your limitations and lobbies to hold you back. If you don’t hold yourself accountable to do what you say you will do, then there is the possibility that … • You won’t be objective regarding the situation • Your old patterns of behavior are stronger than your goals
• You’re not totally accountable to yourself • You don’t honor your commitments • Your lack of congruency impacts your self-esteem • Someone else is in charge of your life… instead of you! If you find yourself saying, “I’d really like to manage my time better, but I just can’t say ‘No’ and disappoint people,” then you might be interested in the concept of sub-personalities. Usually when someone uses these words, “I want to…but…I can’t!” it is a clue that there may be opposing forces at work. Those opposing forces may be sub-personalities. A sub-personality is a facet of a person’s central personality that engages on a temporary basis, as a coping mechanism to enable a person to manage a situation. Each “sub” is formulated in response to a circumstance that was deemed unsafe, which required a part of them to be concealed or revealed in order for them to cope with a specific situation. The sub-personality can include thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, beliefs, expressions, styles, and behaviors that are specific to the sub-personality, rather than the person’s essential self. It has been estimated that the average person has approximately twelve sub-personalities. You may have fewer or more, the number is not important, what is important is finding your way back to Become One! The key to recognizing a sub-personality is noticing the change in behavior that impacts interactions with others. Some people will refer to a decision-making dilemma as your conscience. However, the main difference between what some people label your conscience and sub-personalities is that you only have one conscience. There may be more characters in your repertoire of “subs”, each one having a specific role, set of responsibilities, and a definite purpose in your life. If you have noticed self-doubt, indecision or waffling over a choice; if you have experienced unresolved internal conflict buffeting you about, you might just be experiencing a variety of subpersonalities who have different opinions, positions, and agendas on a variety of different subjects. Their discussions leave you confused,
uncertain, and exhausted. Let’s consider a specific example of Raphael, the artist. Raphael the Faux Painter Raphael is an example of a person with a sub-personality. His childhood nickname Rafi, is playful, while his adult name, Raphael, is responsible and serious. Rafi likes to spend money, party with friends until all hours, go to concerts, and indulge himself without concern for tomorrow. Raphael is a talented artist who specializes in faux painting and enjoys delighting his clients with special gifts. The relationship between the two of them often feels like a struggle. Rafi likes being in control and running the show, and it is difficult for Raphael to assert his authority. Raphael insists that the paperwork for his client must be completed, while Rafi wants to postpone it until later, after he has enjoyed a great evening with his friends. In this situation, there are clearly two facets of the same individual. One facet is a serious and responsible “adult,” focused on long-term satisfaction, while the other part is childlike, focused on short-term gratification, and having fun. The challenge comes when there is unstructured time and a choice to be made as to how he is going to allocate his time. The question is, who emerges in first position? Who is running the show? Which part is in control? Does Rafi take control and say, “Let’s go have some fun!” or does Raphael take charge and say, “Let’s complete the paperwork from this job, and get some sleep.” Later we will address the challenge of having a relationship with a person who has similar sub-personalities, and the more complex decisions involved when there is alignment and when there is disagreement. Some people exclaim, “I can’t believe how much I sound like my mother!” Those are the moments when the persona of “Your Mother” may show up unexpectedly. That is one example however, there are many classic examples: the scared/hurt child, the bully, the know-it-all, the pouter, the adorable little child, the sexy girl, the worrier. The difference between being in a bad mood and having a sub-personality show up is that the sub-personalities have a whole identity of their own, including what they wear, expressions they use, their needs and wants, when they appear and why.
If you want to start to get to know them, take one whom you are clearly aware of and identify it, for example, “The Control Freak.” Then ask that personality the following questions: What gender are you? How old are you? How old do you feel? Are you tall or short? Are you slender or pudgy? What color is your hair? Is it long or short? What type of clothes do you wear? What colors do you wear? Where would you prefer to go on vacation? What are your strengths? In what situations do you feel least comfortable? When are you the happiest? What are your weaknesses? What do you want from me? Let’s say you choose the “Control Freak.” Your answers might be something like: I am a 16-year old girl, five feet tall (1.5 meters), and I have long brown hair that I wear pulled back. I am thin and I wear jeans with a blue shirt. I would like to go to the beach on vacation. I am forceful, strong-willed, and no one can bully me. I am not comfortable in crowds, I don’t trust many people, and I am the happiest when I know what is expected or when I am controlling a situation. My weakness is being near sugar and sexy guys. I want more than anything to be respected and to keep people from hurting me. I am afraid people will take advantage of me and no one will ever respect me. By just asking thirteen questions and answering them honestly, look at the wealth of information we received! When you dig a little deeper you can find out everything you want to know about each of your sub-personalities. The information is available for you and all you need to do is ask. Actors call on their “Subs” to help them out Consider Academy Award winning actress Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep is one of the most versatile actresses in the world. She has been awarded three Oscars and has acted in 47
films as varied as: Iron Lady, The Devil Wears Prada, The Hours, Sophie’s Choice, Mamma Mia!, Defending Your Life, Out of Africa, The Deer Hunter, and Kramer vs. Kramer. That is an incredibly broad range of expression and perhaps what makes Meryl Streep one of the most brilliant actresses is her ability to call forth such diverse characters so convincingly. This talent has also been attributed to having access to her sub-personalities and using them to help her develop her characters. You may be all too familiar with the actor who is typecast in the same role over and over again. It seems like Hugh Grant and Jody Foster play themselves in just about every role. The point is that they don’t reveal the rich repertoire of sub personalities to draw from and engage in their character development. The more varied your sub-personalities, the greater the range of roles that you have the ability to play. Consider actor Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson was nominated for 12 Best Actor academy awards; he won best actor twice, and best supporting actor once. He has acted in 62 films with a range of parts that include: Easy Rider, Five Easy Pieces, Chinatown, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Terms of Endearment, Batman, A Few Good Men, Something's Gotta Give, The Shining, and As Good as it Gets. To be as gifted as Meryl Streep, Jack Nicholson and many other talented actors, means that they can call forth the facets of their own personalities that are required to make a convincing portrayal of the required characters. Even if you never act in a play or in a film, it is still very beneficial to get to know the various energies and entities that you possess within you. They may be your friends, saving you from becoming a workaholic; they may be slave drivers, postponing all enjoyment until the jobs are completed; or they may be filled with worries or joys. The better you know your sub-personalities, the more in control you will be of your life. The more attune you are with your “subs” the more congruent you will be in relationship to others, and the more poised you will be to make choices and decisions that you will commit to and make your new reality. You need to be able to manage the various parts of you that might pull you in different directions. If there is a part of you that
wants to walk on the wild side, you need to attend to that in a safe way so that you don’t put yourself or your family at risk. Your job is to oversee and direct the personalities as the CEO of your life. Whether your sub-personalities urge you to eat sugar, smoke cigarettes, or act out sexually, you need to be able to regulate them so they are placated and don’t get you into uncomfortable, compromising, or embarrassing situations. Take for example, famous professional athletes, politicians, and actors who have experienced negative publicity because of their various addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, and sex. You would imagine that with the wealth and power that these celebrities wield they could discreetly handle their addictions. It is the sub-personalities that take over in these instances and become senior to the person’s essential self and sabotages their reputations and careers. In your own life, make sure that your sub-personalities are in check so that they don’t lead you down a path of negative attention and self-sabotage. The following chapters are case histories from real people who have participated in our programs. Each of the contributors has conducted extensive work on their sub-personalities. This means that they have noticed when they have behaved in ways that are inconsistent with their essential selves, have documented these situations, and gone through the process of sorting out who is in control of each situation. They have externalized these voices and described the behaviors, attitudes, feelings, thoughts, and mannerisms that are related to them. They have sorted their “subs”, labeled them, discovered and described the various catalysts that engage and bring each sub to the forefront. Their descriptions include the purpose and value of the “sub”, how the “subs” interact amongst each other, and how the “subs” interact with other people in their lives. When the individual is ready and willing they can actually discover the precise moment when the sub came into existence.
From time to time I ask the question, “Who is driving the car of your life?” I have asked literally thousands of participants, “Has one of your “subs” taken over, thrown you in the trunk, while they drive your “car” wherever they want…possibly without your permission?” I have queried multiple times, “Do you want to get back in the driver’s seat of your own life?” The courageous contributors who have chosen to share their “subs” with you have done so for the purpose of allowing you to observe their journey, to understand the value to them, to help you launch your own “sub-terranean” work, and in so doing, help you to assist those whom you coach to also Become One! Each story is different. Their depiction of their “subs” is their externalization of what they discovered inside their heads. As you read their “sub” stories allow their “subs” to awaken yours. Empower their stories to touch you and give your imagination permission to create on the outside what you hear in the corridors of your mind. It can be your own private process if you want, or you can use it to share with your coaching clients and open new doors of possibility. The more permission you give yourself to meet, experience, and embrace your sub-personalities, the more effective you will be coaching others in discovering the subtle “subs” within themselves. Any person can help another articulate a goal and establish a date by when it should be achieved. It is the exceptional coach who can help their clients identify what gets in the way of achieving their results. If making choices were so easy, we wouldn’t need coaches!
The fact that there are challenges means that there is more going on than meets the eye. Be willing to dive deep, submerging in the submarine with your clients to discover the saboteur-“subs”. This one addition to your coaching skill sets will move your coaching from good to great, from functional to fabulous, from transitional to transformational.
CHAPTER 2 SOME SIMPLE “SUBS” Sara's Submerged “Subs” Sara had difficulty making choices because she was afraid that she would make a mistake that she might later regret. She took our Inner Negotiation Workshop to be able to make choices, to commit to them, and feel good about them. Historically, every time she came close to choosing something she would talk herself out of it. For example, Sara made the statement, “I think I need to get angry!” Within moments Sara said, “What good would getting angry do? That was a stupid idea!” Hours passed, and Sara commented, “I need to stand up for myself and stop letting people walk all over me!” Within minutes, Sara said, “That’s just my personality and I’ll never change that!” After a few hours Sara said, “I need to send out my invoices and collect funds that are owed to me!” Within minutes Sara said, “I’m lazy and terrible with administration. I’m just like my mother. She let everything pile up and she never dealt with anything.” Each time Sara expressed a wish, want, or a desire, part of her would talk her out of the possibility of having it. She kept ending up right back to where she started. One step forward, then two steps backward was the mental dance that Sara consistently presented whenever asked. When I pointed this out to her she looked amazed, shocked, and eager to resolve the issue. I elaborated that as soon as she made an “I want” statement that she needed to take action before she talked herself out of it. She agreed. As the workshop progressed, Sara discovered four subpersonalities that illuminated her inability to make decisions. Those “subs” were: Wounded Sara, Silly Sara, Fearful Sara, and Sad Sara.
Wounded Sara is the one who was repeatedly hurt, physically, emotionally, and psychologically throughout her life and never found a way to heal all her wounds.
Silly Sara is the playful child with a great sense of humor, who loves to laugh and enjoy life.
Fearful Sara is the one afraid of making the wrong choice. She often gets stuck in her head, not choosing anything.
Sad Sara is the one who could cry rivers without stopping, who feels hopeless and helpless to change anything. Whenever a part of Sara wanted to take a step forward she was met with Wounded or especially Sad Sara who talked her out of her choice. These were the four facets that Sara discovered and she was happy to acknowledge and embrace them. For Sara, this was an important first step. When different parts of her surfaced Sara recognized them, addressed them, gave them respect and attended to their needs. Sara was pleased that she had taken the time to become acquainted with her four “subs”, who had always been present, but whom she had mostly ignored. Paul’s Cast of Characters Paul is a banker who wanted to improve his interpersonal skills with his clients. While excavating his interior world, to his surprise, he found that his “subs” were available and eager to be known. Paul unleashed a creative side of him that enjoyed meeting and interacting with his colorful “subs”. Paul’s “sub-depiction” was of four powerful sub-personalities which were best compared to the following cast of characters: James Bond/Austin Powers, Myamoto, Captain Fear, and little Palletje. This is how he described them… James Bond/Austin Powers This International Man of Mystery enjoys humor, laughing at his own jokes, word play, problem-solving, and helping others. He travels without luggage, enjoys expensive toys such as cars, motorbikes, and other gadgets. He likes airports, harbors, factories, travel brochures, and driving a car or bike to nowhere in particular. He likes people around him to be authentic, strong, positive, and free thinkers. He enjoys his breathing space, thrills, excitement,
adventure, freedom, and independent, rather naughty women. He is not the best student, but is a quick learner. He is cool rather than expressive, enjoying a good life of food, discovery, drifting, and dreaming away. He enjoys jazz music, the movie The Family Guy, pictures and movies, and the company of artists. He thrives when making others happy, ensuring that others know he can be trusted, and that he is steady as a rock. Myamoto This “sub” is the peaceful warrior. He radiates calmness, peacefulness, and light. He has a strong outward focus, he’s on top of things, and is often the eye of the hurricaine. He cannot be held down, kept, or owned, others are merely his caretaker. He does not resist what will happen. He provides freedoms to others which often results in them returning to him simply because it feels good to be around him. He believes there are no mistakes, only lessons, and that there is no good or bad while trying. He believes that you should not be afraid to trust and love yourself unconditionally, and to always honor your feelings and let other honor theirs. He feels that there is no way to happiness, because happiness is the only way. Myamoto lives in the here and now, focusing on the solution rather than the problems because time waits for no one; later is too late. He believes that life can be over before you know it! Captain Fear Captain Fear is the “sub” you must obey! Rules are rules to Captain Fear, and he feels a strong need for discipline and hierarchy, because when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Captain Fear often checks, double checks, and cross checks work to ensure it’s proper. He is often driven by anger, lives by fear, and believes in no mercy. He tries to control everything as much as possible. He believes you can only live and love yourself if certain criteria are met. His method is always best, and he enjoys controlling situations. He thinks in a logical manner with a disregard for feelings. He has had years of training in martial arts and likes to be portrayed as the baddest, meanest person around. He feels that giving in is for sissies and is highly competitive. He has a circle of trust, maintains loyalty for the sake of it, and always keeps his promises.
Palletje Palletje is afraid of being alone. He doesn’t enjoy being home by himself. He does enjoy peddling his little bike across the room and playing with toys. He is well dressed and taken care of by his parents. However, he has little space for expressing and sharing his emotions, and is conditionally loved. He’s often in his own world, LaLa-Land, where there is no evil. He is a happy and playful little boy with a good heart. He enjoys discovering new things in life. He is dependent upon others to take good care of him. He’s a follower that can often be clingy to others, not knowing what to do, where to go, and finds living independently difficult. He’s often uncertain with low self-esteem. Palletje trusts others completely, is pure, unspoiled, naïve, needs to be cuddled, and kept in a happy warm environment. He enjoys having someone with him at all times, because he is often scared when aggression levels rise. He is fearful of confrontations and will hide in the event of a crisis. With time Paul noticed that Miyamoto is able to calm down the Captain when he is running amuck, armed and dangerous. As a result, Captain Fear is slowing transforming into Captain Courage. Maintaining his structural way of working, not out of fear, but based on confidence. This further showed Paul that his “subs” were far from static. As a result, it is mostly Miyamoto and James who are on stage, with Captain Courage relaxed in the background with the fear element evaporating. Paul is pleased with his “subs.” He is in charge of them and orchestrates them when and where they surface; he uses his knowledge of them to match each sub with the most appropriate circumstance. Paul is enjoying being in the driver’s seat. A Full House for Marily
Marily discovered five “subs” in her “sub” excavation.
These are the characters in Marily’s “Sub-Personality Depiction.” ELISABETH: balanced, serious, reliable, caring, introverted, easy going, honest, punctual, accurate, responsible, modest, a list maker, and she likes to be alone at certain times. Elisabeth occupies 55% of her life. LY: open, adventurous, creative, extraverted, relaxed, impulsive, uncomplicated, a joker, and is creative in finding solutions for everything. Ly occupies approximately 30% of her life. MONICA: neat, critical, worried, and sarcastic. Monica spends approximately 5% of Marily’s life. MANICA: impatient, easily agitated and upset. Manica is engaged approximately 5% of the time. LYLY: wants to be liked; she needs confirmation/appreciation and is also quite shy and playful. Lyly is present 5% of the time. In her own words: “One night after a support group meeting, my Coach Training buddy and I were standing outside chatting and she shared her experience about how she discovered one of her “subs,” then gave this sub a name, and even knew what clothes the sub was wearing. My jaw dropped as I listened to her; I had previously thought she was really down to Earth, and this all sounded rather schizophrenic to me. As I drove home in my car, I gave this conversation a lot of thought. Without any effort, my own “subs” suddenly appeared to me, one after the other. I came to realize that they had always been there, these parts of me, and it made me laugh out loud, realizing that they were very different personalities all cohabiting inside me. Elisabeth, the responsible one who puts food on the table, takes care of the kids, when my husband is traveling. When he eats a sandwich without a plate, and the crumbs go everywhere, then Manica shows up. Manica, gets really upset by little things, even though she only shows up a few times a year. She surely is a
part of me and I know exactly when she is about to emerge. I have accepted my “subs”, although I would like Elisabeth and Ly to come together a bit more, like 45%/40%. I am working on that since I know the cause. I work 32 hours per week, pick up the kids from judo, hockey, day-care, grocery shopping, cooking, washing… On the weekends and on weeknights I am Ly and Elisabeth. When I am tired and/or stressed Monica pops up. Lyly appears when I find myself in unknown groups of people. Elisabeth and Ly click, Monica and Manica are close and Lyly is on her own. Elisabeth is the closest sub to Marily. Knowing my “subs” is fun. I share with other people how much fun they are and how they are helpful, especially if you want to change your attitude. I am convinced that every person on Earth has at least one sub. Learning about the sub can help you learn more about yourself, and if you find out how much a sub dominates in your life, you can do something about it (in a coaching session), since you can separate yourself from the “subs”. Now that I have given my “subs” names, I have come to embrace every sub and I am more conscious of which sub takes the stage and when. The discovery of these five “subs” made total sense to Marily who found it quite easy to embrace each one of them. Richard's process regarding his “Subs” in his voice: Around two years ago, I discovered my “subs”. I was inspired by the exciting work Wendy and Cornelie were doing exploring their “subs” and that got me curious about my own. The first thing I did was identify the different parts of me, and from there it became easy.
Allow me to introduce you to Willem, George, Ros, Chris, and Boefje. Willem – The Security Guy Willem is rational, a good organizer and planner, who loves mathematics, programming, and is excellent with facts and figures. He does not like change and wants to know the outcome of things before he makes a move. Security to Willem is about being in control, knowing what to expect, and anticipating the future especially when he is in control of the events. Willem dresses inconspicuously, wearing clothes that make him look neat, tidy, and business-like. His clothes give him the familiar feeling of being in control, jeans, white or black shirt, and polished shoes. Willem is also the part of me who doubts my abilities. He will query, “Are you able to run your own business? Will you have clients? Will you earn enough money to actually quit your secure job? Shouldn’t you play it safe and keep your job? After all, everything is okay now, isn’t it? Don’t you see that jazz improvisation doesn’t suit you? This is not work for you! You are not that creative, not that musically talented.” George - The Perfectionist George is focused on the past, and specifically on what did not go well. Since he is a perfectionist, he closely watches what I say, what I do, the music I create, and he keeps telling me how I should have done it better so that it would have met his standards. George loves expensive Italian designer clothes. Business look is not good enough; he needs to stand out, not blend in, that’s what matters to him. He cares what others think of him. He is materialistic and demanding, and likes having the latest and greatest things to show off how discriminating he is. Only the best for George! He is so demanding that he won’t settle for less than 100%. When I write music, he keeps changing what I wrote, with comments like, “It can be better, don’t stop until it is perfect!” As a result, I keep on working on musical pieces until George is completely quiet, then I know it is done. George thinks differently, and he thrives on being different. He does things his way, breaking rules, pushing limits, demanding perfection.
Ros - The Creative Genius Ros is confident, connected, relaxed, and in flow. Ros flows with words, music, poems, insights, and compositions all of which come to him when the moment is right. He trusts the process, knowing that he is not in control; the inspiration comes when it comes, even if it is in the middle of the night. He is unconcerned about what others think of him. He wears baggy, wide, comfortable clothing that show his lack of concern for what others think, and his desire to blend in. Ros is focused on the present. He knows the place is here, and the time is now. He reads spiritual books, because that feels like coming home. He is captivated by the story behind songs, films, and books, especially in the process of its creation. He can watch “Making of...” documentaries endlessly. Chris - The Peaceful Warrior What matters most to Chris is helping people. He listens, asks questions, coaches, without judgments, and refrains from giving advice. Harmony and connection are his highest priorities and therefore, it is natural for Chris to help in any way he can. Chris feels what the other feels, through this connection. He is in connection with everyone and everything. His interest in body, mind and spirituality is expressed in the practice of tai chi, karate, qi qong, fitness, reiki and meditation. Incense sticks and oil burners are also a part of this, together with the drinking of different flavors of herbal tea. With this “Zen” state, Chris dresses himself in white: white tshirt, white cotton pants with flip-flops. When the connection is missing, Chris feels lonely, restless, and disconnected. Boefje - The Little Boy Boefje is the little child in me who loves playing, having fun, telling jokes. No rules are allowed! He is naughty at times, but never harms anyone. He takes the lead when I become too serious, when I forget to play. In terms of their time focus: George lives in the past, is also outer focused and materialistic. Ros, Chris, and Boefje live in the present, are inner-
centered and connected to their feelings. Willem lives in the future, is outer focused and rational. During my MMS Coach Training I did a process designing my future… a future where I can do what I want, when I want, and how I want...therefore, I would be my own boss and have my own company. In the process of designing my company, Willem was very negative about my plans. He dominated, and talked so much I couldn’t even hear the other “subs.” The message came to me ‘”Let the negative words fly out the window!” This turned into a process… I wrote down all of Willem’s negative comments on separate cards. I then tied those cards to a rock and with a loud yell I threw this rock into the pond. After that, I let each sub write positive comments about me on white cards. I made a large key-chain of these cards, and every time I read the cards, I smile and feel great about myself. As a result of this powerful process my “subs” are in harmony and the part of Willem that I did not need is now permanently gone. After that I did a coaching session about finding the best times for Ros to play and record music. He wants to have his “play time.” In the coach session Ros told me that the early mornings or late evenings are best for him, and he also told me what clothes I should wear. I honored his requests, and this made him peaceful. This resulted in a huge boost of creativity. The musical ideas keep coming, one more beautiful than the next! Now Ros only asks for attention if I don’t give him enough time to play!” Monique’s Expressive Five Monique uncovered five “Subs” who became crystal clear to her. She lives her life managing all these aspects of her personality. Monique has done an outstanding job describing the feelings and expressions of each sub-personality. Monique’s five subpersonalities are: Her “Hurt Child” is young, shy, introverted, lonely, doubtful, uneasy, and often feels different from everyone else. Her hurt child has low self-esteem, feels alone and abandoned, avoids people, is easily frustrated, judges, sabotages, and frequently isolates herself on a quiet beach.
“Lazy Daisy” doesn’t care how she looks, wears no make-up hangs around in sweatpants, is tired, moody, and enjoys watching TV. “Mrs. Manager” is dressed in her power suit with blond hair and bright red lipstick; she is demanding and directive…a complete control freak, with high standards, both strict and formal, very tough on herself and others. She wakes up early and goes to bed late, is a very hard-worker, who is very powerful, fair yet ageless. “Nina” is an enthusiastic extroverted initiator who goes to bars and restaurants and backpacks around the world. She is happy, laughs, loves to party, cook dinner for friends, and enjoys building teams. She calls friends all evening long and loves to plan activities, events, and trips. “Marion” is a caring, warm, balanced, relaxed coach who likes to looks after people. She wears bright colors, dresses comfortably and enjoys going to the gym. She loves to hike and go on vacation with her “American family.” If you look closely, you will notice that Mrs. Manager and Lazy Daisy are opposites. Her Hurt Child and Nina are also opposites. Marion is the closest to Monique’s true core identity. When these “subs” surface Monique has choices. She can either negotiate with the different “subs,” she can invite either Mrs. Manager or Marion or Nina to take charge of the situation, or she can observe the interaction and document the dialog. Whatever Monique chooses to do, she is now the conductor of her team of “subs,” and is no longer allowing them to take over and eclipse her true authentic self anymore. In Monique’s own words, she describes her “subs” in this way: “When I am feeling most happy, Nina and Marion show up. When they are present, I feel as if I can conquer the world; energy flows through my body, I inspire and help others, I motivate, and I love to spend time with dear friends. My friends see me as a beautiful, valuable, pretty, dear, loving friend whenever Nina and Marion are present.
When I am most balanced I tend to switch between Nina and Marion and sometimes, Lazy Daisy will also show up. Lazy Daisy is a positive sub that keeps me balanced, allows me to have some quiet relaxed moments in my life. Those quiet moments can be very joyful. I have to be careful that I don’t allow Lazy Daisy to take over too much otherwise Mrs. Manager comes in and causes a lot of negativity. When Mrs. Manager is in balance she is a great sub! Negatives “When I am down or sad I act like the Hurt Child. Sometimes Lazy Daisy shows up as a negative character. In this condition, I don’t see possibilities. Life is complicated, and not good to me. I feel hurt, sad, and exhausted. I don’t understand the world and the world doesn’t understand me. I don’t believe it will ever get any better. My happiest moments are behind me, and the future is grim.” Monique built on her discoveries. She decided that, “When I feel like the Hurt Child or Lazy Daisy, I tend to do nothing at all… I hide in Mrs. Manager by working so hard to avoid feeling any negative emotions. I get credit for all I have achieved as Mrs. Manager as compensation. When I change to positive Lazy Daisy I make choices that are good for me which means, I start to write in my journal, I acknowledge my feelings, I meditate, do yoga, and take care of myself.” “These actions bring me back to my positive “subs” again. Marion, Nina and the positive side of Mrs. Manager.
These “subs” need each other along with the positive side of Lazy Daisy to keep me balanced.” Monique is committed to her development and evolution as a person. Therefore she had a lot of fun creating the diagram with her in the center of her life that shows the pattern of behavior. It starts with Positive Lazy Daisy who is balanced with lots of energy, who shifts naturally into Marion, who morphs into Nina and then into Mrs. Manager. Mrs. Manager creates the problem of feeling so great that she works way too hard and burns herself out, creating the need for Lazy Daisy to put a stop to the mechanism. Lazy Daisy at this point has lost all of her energy, has become completely out of balance, and allows the Hurt Child to take over. When the Hurt Child is in center stage, Monique is reminded that she has a choice…she can stay in her Hurt Child or she can practice behaviors that put her back in the center of her life. These behaviors are familiar to Monique, and when she is aware that her Hurt Child has taken over, she remembers that meditating, coaching, relaxing, and journal keeping are the way to attend to the Hurt Child and give her the attention she needs and wants. This is how Monique sees the pattern of behavior.
CHAPTER 3 THEATRE OF THE “SUBS” Creative Pascal, wrote a short play about the way his five “subs” interact. Since there is no “correct way” to address one’s “subs”, each person applies their creativity to the subject and sees where it takes them. Pascal titled his play, Me, My “Subs” & I (A play by Pascal) In Pascal’s own words: “Due to my “Negaholic roots” which I discovered, I became very effective in attracting negative attention with a fair amount of drama. For instance, when I was four years old I decided to swim with the fish. My choice of place and timing left something to be desired since I climbed into my father’s tropical fish tank in the middle of a family dinner party. That solved one problem, I no longer felt left out by the adults, however, my choice to swim with the fish resulted in me receiving significant negative attention. As I started to uncover the origin of my Negative attention, I started to realize during the Inner Negotiation Workshop that there was a part of me that had perfected the art of attracting negative attention. As I worked with my coach Lynn, she explained the technology of the “subs.” The technology suggests the existence of a part of me that I could actually name, actualize, and either: manage, enroll in my agenda, or evict. I found this to be both intriguing and enlightening, not to mention profound. As I worked with Lynn over the past year, I found that my “subs” have opposites. To my amazement I have multiples. As a result of this discovery I have created the following play. These are the main characters:
“Sith,” a dark Machiavellian creature is consumed by jealousy, and the desire to be seen, heard, and recognized. Being the center of attention is his obsession. He plots intricate scenarios to take control of situations and become the focus; stealth is his modus operandi and he knows how to hurt people since he is an excellent reader of people. “Ludwig Von,” the composer designing and directing the music of life. A hard working intellectual, he also has the capacity to be flamboyant when called for. When he gets out of control, he overfills life with new ideas and projects... “St Calvin,” an overly austere, protestant preacher who always knows better and must be acknowledged for being right. He is also the guardian of principles. “Denis,” (ref Dionysos); life is there to enjoy and to serve my needs; he is hedonistic, without any sense of responsibility for the consequences of his actions. “Daniel,” a shy watching angel silently protecting me from what might be around the corner. He is my introverted sub and I had to dig hard to find him. Then I had to learn how to communicate with him. The play is the story of my life! It took the Inner Negotiation Workshop to start making sense out of the conflicting ideas, beliefs, behaviors, and infighting that my inner personalities represent. Let me elaborate on a short scene a couple of years ago where they nicely collaborated and took over completely, sabotaging my evening. One summer evening I was looking forward to spending the evening with some good friends, dining in Amsterdam. When I arrived, I discovered my friends, to my surprise, with a large group of people whom I didn’t know. Instead of welcoming the surprise and opportunity to meet some interesting new people, Sith got upset, not enjoying surprises, his feelings were hurt since no one cared to let him know the change in plans. ‘Don’t they understand I like to be the center of attention,’ Sith thought. Then St. Calvin judged the group as too snobbish and the restaurant was too overpriced for his budget. So Sith started pouting and plotting how to get the attention he desperately needed and wanted. He asked Ludwig Von to come
up with a grand theatrical plan. In the meantime, Denis broke loose and enjoyed several drinks to galvanize “our” overall courage. Daniel could not communicate… this situation was going nowhere fast, therefore, I (or should I say “we”) started quarreling with a friend over his poor choice of wine. This went on and on until it culminated in Sith, and he threw a half full bottle of wine - through the restaurant; through the open door, to the canal bank outside, where it landed with a huge noise, and smashed into dozens of small fragments of glass. Needless to say that Sith “enjoyed” an enormous amount of attention. The entire restaurant suddenly became completely silent. The good news is that it didn’t need to literally hit me on the head to get my own attention. My behavior that night was the “wake-up call” from me to myself that I needed to pay attention to my unconscious behaviors. The amusing idea that occurred to me was, “Talk about a message in a bottle!” This incident helped me create my breakthrough during my Inner Negotiation Workshop. Since then my realizations about these tricky sub-personalities have resulted in some conscious choices regarding changing my behaviors. I feel like a distorted filter has been removed between the outside world and my inner self, allowing me to connect more deeply with people and view situations more accurately in the various layers of communication. The positive results from both my wake-up call and my breakthrough in the INW are: I stopped throwing things out of windows! I took control of my “subs” and made choices that originate from my true self I notice the parts that require attention before they act out I became a better listener, partner, father, and a kinder person to all of my friends Many of my nasty old habits have totally vanished Sharp edges have become round I have become more connected with the people around me. I enjoy life more being the master of myself and hence the captain of my own destiny. I also like being me!
Shoe “Subs”…it’s all about the shoes! Caroline has six prominent “subs.” She tells her “sub” discovery like this… “The first time I discovered I had “subs” was in 2008. Since I was totally unaware of the “sub” concept at that time, the mere fact that I discovered that I had two was quite surprising. With my coach I discovered a wise old woman (Dora) and an insecure part (later to be called Yeti). Carrying those two with me I felt there had to be more and I was curious to discover who they were. I first found Helga, a sturdy Norwegian Viking woman who is very practical, has no fear whatsoever, doesn’t care at all about feelings, and is the person you would want around in any emergency situation. But that’s it. She is not helpful in everyday life, so I wanted to find a way to temper her enthusiasm and energy in daily life. Who or what could do that? I found that Dora, the wise old woman, was able to counterbalance Helga’s energy. Dora, Wise Old Woman: My lamb fur home shoes Well that worked out quite well, opening the space for my “beaming energy,” “base camp,” and “blue butterfly” to appear. Base Camp: Hiking boots Blue Butterfly: Red boots At this moment my blue butterfly is the most important to me because she’s so fragile that she could wither in a wink, leaving me with Helga barging into any situation. This tiny butterfly represents my creativity, sweetness, inspiration, and fantasy world. My blue butterfly could also be identified as my inner child. Amazingly enough, my butterfly clicks in beautifully with the Yeti (yes, just like the Himalayan monster). Yeti: My Sorel winter boots He is big, furry, strong, scared, and insecure yet physically very strong and grounded. By teaming up these two diverse energies, my inner reality becomes stronger and maintains
vulnerability at the same time. That blend of strength and openness is what I define as the essence of me, and discovering that core essence makes me feel as if I have found my “Home!” I discovered that all my “subs” play an important role in how I feel and interact with the people around me. In getting clear what energies I carry within, it felt much easier to get a grip on situations in which I felt I was not living up to my highest aspirations of me, or when I was sabotaging myself along my journey to becoming my best self. Whenever I recall my butterfly energy, maybe combined with “my beaming energy,” life again starts to be fun, humorous, playful, sincere, inspiring, and flowing. Beaming energy: my turquoise running shoes In my experience there’s no real friction between my “subs”, but it is about “who’s on stage?” and “who’s trying to get on stage whenever there is too much space? (Helga).” Helga: sturdy black boots In order to keep all my “subs” happy and satisfied I found several things that appeal to each of these different energies. They are: music, pictures, and activities. And while involved in this discovery, I found that actually it’s all about the shoes… I have different shoes for each sub! “Working as a coach, I do a lot of sub clarification sessions with my clients, always finding that bringing the subtle play of these energies to the surface leaves people much more empowered than before. The main purpose for defining the “subs” in coaching sessions is to determine who makes which decisions and how they are made. Helping coaching clients become acquainted with their “subs” also helps them feel at ease with themselves, and become more effective both on and off the job.” Annelies’s “Subs”…in the jungle! When I was a little girl, my father told me bedtime stories about an adventurous butterfly. This was the beginning of my fantasy life involving animals. The butterfly is very important to me. She represents creativity, happiness, inspiration, freedom, spirituality,
feelings, and emotions. Whenever she can fly, the butterfly sparkles and is radiant. Over the last few years I missed my precious butterfly because I was preoccupied with my life, including: my company, my family, and my own personal concerns. The butterfly felt as if the environment was unsafe and since she was hurt, she couldn’t fly. When she is unable to fly, she can’t see the horizon and she misses the overview of life. Her view becomes limited and she is easily frightened. I will do anything in the world to keep my butterfly flying freely and happily from now on. Since I started my MMS Coach Training, something special began happening…whenever I feel truly happy or when something really wonderful takes place, I see a butterfly fly in front of me. This happens in a variety of ways…it could be a live one, or in the form of jewelry, or in art, in writing, or on tissue paper. It is so consistent that I am convinced that it is no longer a coincidence. An example of this was when my husband and I went to Venice and we took the train to Bassano, 1.5 hours away from Venice, to get away from the crowds. It felt adventurous and we felt happy being together. I looked out of the window and saw a butterfly following our train. It was an old train and it moved slower than most. It sounds amazing for a butterfly to be right outside the window on our train ride through Italy, but I now see it as a sign that I am on track doing whatever I am doing. Labrador My Labrador stands for coziness, harmony, extreme loyalty, and responsibility; she loves wine and fine dining. She can’t bear to be criticized, especially indirectly. She looks for strokes and acknowledgement because she loves to please others. She is straightforward, yet very deep down the Labrador loves to relax and be lazy, but hardly takes the opportunity since she feels responsible for everyone. By constantly creating harmony, she feels she is doing a good job for all the others whom she wishes to please. I will train the Labrador to be more loyal to me and be more selective. I want her to please and take care of me. Recently she started to eat healthier food, on a more regular basis, and she stopped drinking. Chimpanzee
The Chimpanzee has an enormous sense of humor, is a positive extravert, noisy, and makes jokes. Whenever she feels uncertain, she starts to tell inappropriate jokes, diminishing important moments. She sometimes becomes noisy. All of this is to avoid revealing her inner self. The Zebra The Zebra is extremely strong and powerful. He is proud. He arranges the impossible and with his strong legs he kicks in any door that needs to be opened. He has a lot of energy and can work extremely hard. When the Zebra feels too much pressure, his energy reserves are diminished. Due to lack of energy he becomes nervous, stressed, tired and eventually ill. The Zebra loves sports. I want the Labrador to learn to take care of the Zebra. The Penguin The Penguin is my Calvinistic part as well as my business side. It’s most important value is respect. It always tries to treat others respectfully and expects the same behavior in return. When disappointed, which often happens, she becomes sad, and feels misunderstood and powerless. She never gets angry, because that is not done. Since she cannot fly or run, she dives to hide and to avoid the confrontation. Recently she discovered her ability to speak in order to have her boundaries respected. She is brave and trusts others. Since the Penguin is quite strict and respects the rules, she should be able to help me with being balanced in accomplishing tasks and taking care of myself. The Snake The Negaholic within me is the snake. She sees everything, offers an opinion about everyone and is insensitive. She judges constantly, is extremely critical, and sometimes even harsh. The snake makes me feel worthless, confused, and sad. I do not appreciate the snake’s presence. She has the ability to rule over all the others. I try to keep her in a basket, but she has a secret escape route. I want the snake to become less present. I want to find out if there is a pleasant side to her, such as being focused and clever. Perhaps she will be useful when meeting another snake. My “subs” all live happily together in a jungle.
The Labrador is the one that I find the most disturbing, since she has a strong desire to please everyone. I often try to train the Labrador to stop the pleasing, or to reduce it. The Snake notices every small detail. She immediately draws her own conclusions, which is always seen, from her narrow perspective. The Chimpanzee enjoys the presence of the Penguin. I believe the Snake and the Butterfly enjoy their time together; both are fast, untouchable, and unpredictable, and they both enjoy that. The Labrador and the Zebra do not always click. The Labrador is sometimes just too lazy to move. The Zebra is tired and the Labrador is too lazy to help her get back on her feet. The Penguin sometimes feels embarrassed about the Chimpanzee’s behavior and because of this she hides. The Snake and the Butterfly play together. When the Snake gets too close, the Butterfly laughs and flies away. The Snake never catches her and never will. My entire "jungle" helped me make this potentially stressful evening a huge success. The joy overruled any possible Negaholic feeling; there was no room for the Snake to even make an appearance. I attribute my desirable and undesirable characteristics and qualities to my “subs,” which, of course, are all parts of me. Whether I like the quality or not, by making it part of my jungle, I identify it, I accept it, I deal with it, and after a while I even cherish, enjoy, and value it.
CHAPTER 4 SUB EXCAVATION MULTIPLIED The situation becomes more complicated when there are multiple facets of you that require attention, care, and maintenance, and are not always in alignment. At these times, a meeting of the “subs” may be required to negotiate and formulate certain boundaries or procedures for the “subs”. If all else fails, an actual eviction, or as some call it an ‘exorcism’ of the “subs” might be necessary. This is not to say that you are possessed, but rather not yet completely in charge of the energies that have evolved within you throughout your life. Wendy’s “Subs” I discovered the “subs” concept in 2006. I have always been very responsible, taking care of others, I have strong communication skills and I use those to build bridges between people. I have a strong intuition, and work hard to achieve goals which I have set for myself. I have told myself, “I will never ever give up… connection with others is very important to me!” I had a strong sense that I wanted more, more out of life, more of something, I didn’t know what exactly. I did a coaching session with Anke and I came to realize that inside me there was a young playful girl that longed for more room, more freedom, more playfulness, more fun, more light, and more dreams! The first step for me was to acknowledge that this girl was really a part of me; it was the total opposite of how I experienced myself until that specific moment.
So my discovery was that there were more parts of me that I didn’t know yet. Wow! This realization excited me and gave me bubbly energy to connect with this playful girl. I even decided to give her a playful name, Julie, and I visualized her as six years old, with curly hair, sparkly blue eyes, and sunny energy.
The responsible side I discovered was nameless, so I named her, Wende: she wears boots, jeans, and a jacket. The realization of those two sides of me invited me to check in with both of them regularly. I created room for Julie to play and allowed Wende the opportunity to work on her goals, care for others, and use her intuition. That was great! I felt a huge amount of joy enter my life when I embraced those two sides of me.
After several months, I discovered there was an additional part of me that was demanding attention. I felt so inspired and deeply touched by spirituality, purpose, meaning, unconditional love, and connection with the universe that I felt this was yet another part of me. It felt like a missing piece that had just gotten my attention. I named her Gabriel, and she is my angel, my connection between Earth and the universe and the universe and the Earth. Gabriel is connected to messages, loves reading spiritual books, watching movies that touch my heart, and she truly believes in the magic that people can create together. Once I became connected to Gabriel, she wanted more and more attention and space in my life and I felt delighted about that because it gave me the feeling of belongingness, relevance, and purpose. Then, I discovered, there were even more parts of me that were just waiting to be discovered.
Gwendolyn knocked at my door: a professional businesswoman, wearing a dark business suit, with very high standards, dressed to impress, values, entrepreneur, networker, yet she can be very judgmental.
Divera appeared as well, named after my mother who has a great sense of directing, regularity, purity, seeing the bigger picture, taking care of finances; she is sober, and looks after my boundaries.
And finally Julia showed up – she is the little one, who is really impressed with high-brow people, she wants people to take care of her, is insecure, scared of judgments, has lots of expectations from others, is scared of angry people, alcohol, death, spiders and many other things. Discovering all these parts of me gave me so much peace, joy and fulfillment, and it helps me in making choices. Often times I had this feeling inside that was telling me ‘something’ was not right or didn’t feel good and I couldn’t then point out what it was. An example of that was when I had a beautiful assignment in coaching the management team of a big international engineering company. Although this assignment involved action steps, breakthroughs, new insights and a wonderful connection with the team, something didn’t feel good. When I checked in with my team (of “subs”) I found out that Gabriel was not happy. In fact, I had chosen to leave her at home, since my assumption was that the guys – who were very intelligent, technical people – would not be interested in spirituality or magic. So I chose not to be all of me. This resulted in me being unhappy. Being aware of this, I chose to bring Gabriel the next time and to explicitly invite her to share her beliefs. It brought a new level of connection to the team and I enjoyed it tremendously. Another example: I feel blessed to have the opportunity to work with Lynn in the Inner Negotiation Workshop, a two-day program in which people come with their objectives, and
breakthrough old behaviors which were counter productive to achieving their goals. As the person being responsible for people reaching all of their objectives I found myself being in a big hurry on the second day. I felt completely tense. When I asked myself what was happening within, I found out that Divera had trouble with all the objectives that were not reached so far and therefore had chosen to speed up the process, which was not helpful at all to the team or the participants. I had to talk to Divera, allow her to tell me what her worries were, and then invite her to leave them behind her. I asked Julie and Gabriel to take more floor in being in trust with the process and able to facilitate the participants in their processes. Additionally, I was asked to do an assignment in coaching and training thirty-five men, who had just lost their jobs which they had for about twenty years. Letting them find the answers to the questions: “Who am I?” “What am I good at?” “What is my added value?” I then had to train them on presenting themselves in the best way possible. It was beautiful. I got very excited about it immediately. Talking to my client I recognized something was ‘off’ but I couldn’t point out what was happening. Knowing my “subs” I had to ask all of them if they were in or not. While checking in with Divera (always the last one to check…) I found out she was not happy with the financial remuneration. When I asked her what would make her happy she told me her truth; it was at least €150,00 an hour more. I chose to follow her guideline and phoned my client and told him what was in the way of me accepting the job. He told me his financial situation gave him no opportunity to change it, and I chose to not do it. It felt really good to me, although I really loved the idea of participating in the assignment. One day later he phoned me and offered me what I had asked him to pay me. It was wonderful! My “subs” are all parts of me and owning them makes it easier for me to coach my clients who also have a cast of characters. Doing the work on my “subs” has made me more compassionate and playful in the work I do in both personal growth and professional development. Geesje Hamming’s Quartet of “Subs” Sensible Sally
Sensible Sally is very rational, she’s an achiever, and feels responsible for everybody and everything. She is afraid the world will stop turning if she does not take control of whatever situation occurs. Sally makes to do lists and feels happy if she can cross out a task accomplished successfully. Instead of celebrating her successes, though, she lays emphasis on the remaining tasks on the list, and every so often finds new tasks to add to the list. She gets irritated and impatient with people that are less ambitious because she feels that they are underperforming. In the end, Sally will decide to take over these underperformers’ jobs and will feel used if she is not appreciated for it. Others like to have Sally on their team because she is bright, quick and sensible, and above all, she gets the job done. Others often turn to her when they are looking for balanced advice. On the other hand, at times her teammates find it hard to deal with her dominant way of performing. Sally is tall, and has medium length straight hair, which she wears in a ponytail. She loves wearing black and navy blue, with low heels. Mascara and lipstick are enough to give Sally the impeccable professional “everything-under-control” look she likes to portray. Patty the Pleaser Patty’s main objective in life is to keep everybody happy. Her ultimate goal is to make everybody like her. Patty thrives on her highest score of ‘loyalty as a colleague’ in her work appraisal. She is the mediator in situations of conflict and the caring nurse in times of health trouble. She is extremely concerned about other’s well being. Deep down Patty has low self-esteem and believes everybody around her is better, more capable, more intelligent, and more successful. That is why she always asks other people about their opinions and feelings, but does not give hers in return. She often lacks courage, because she is afraid to make a mistake, she wants to be perfect, and is afraid to hurt someone, to lose face, or to lose someone, and ultimately she is afraid to lose love. Patty needs constant approval and recognition from people around her. If she gets that, she feels on top of the world and finds it easy to succeed in whatever tasks she sets or gets. In general,
people like having Patty around because they feel valued. On the other hand, people may call her naïve or even dishonest because she doesn’t speak her own truth. Patty the Pleaser likes fashion but makes sure she does not exaggerate anything in her outfit. Fashionable suits are ok as long as she makes sure nobody will feel triggered by it. Pitch Black Betty Betty is also all about feelings. She looks at the dark side of life. She is extremely sensitive to sorrow and distress and takes it all on. She has difficulty balancing out her negattacks and feels desperate when overwhelmed by all that is happening around her. Situations of war on television, a sad movie in the cinema, a humaninterest story in a magazine can all affect Betty deeply. Grey and gloomy weather influence Betty’s well being. Betty feels lonely and worthless when overwhelmed, and not helped by her Approval Syndrome, she often punishes herself for that. She is her own strictest examiner. She muscles through and tries to keep her head up for her environment. The people in Betty’s environment often have an uncomfortable feeling that something is wrong, but never seem to be able to put their finger on it. Betty wears non-descript outfits, loose fitting. Funny Gina Gina is all about happy feelings. She is extremely positive about everything, sees the good in everybody, and is naively happy. She loves having harmonious, similarly happy people around her. Gina is active and full of energy, loves tough-in-the-cheek jokes, and has a bit of a dirty mind. Her favorite night out is a night at the Comedy Train spent with people who only seem to enjoy life. Secretly, she dreams about going to one of these all-Christian gatherings where everybody reaches out to the sky calling on a Higher Power... She is easily touched by situations around her, she can get tears in her eyes by normal daily scenes like an old man talking to his dog. The environment around Gina often finds her happiness to be over the top, artificial and tiring, and is afraid she has lost her sense
of reality. Gina is very tan, long blond hair, which has been effected by the sea and sun. She wears long dresses, and walks around barefeet. Cornelie Shares Her “Subs” Cornelie has demonstrated that when you truly look, you get phenomenal results. She found the process to be particularly helpful and used it to really get to know various parts of herself, which she was aware of, but hadn’t yet fully acknowledged. In her own words: “I got to know the “subs”-theory a few years ago, but I didn’t start exploring my own until 1.5 years ago. It was like switching on a light: everything became clear. I started to think and feel, tune in and listen… and my sub-personalities and their characteristics filled pages of my journal. I already knew them very well, of course, but at the same time I really started to listen to them more carefully, explore their underlying origin and needs, hear their words, and see and recognize their habits and performance. I found ways to make them happier, even when they couldn’t have their own way. They were still acknowledged by me. In the beginning Catharina and Cinderella weren’t exactly clear to me; I called her Cindy instead. But I noticed that I constantly judged her since she frequently took over, undermining my role as CEO. Through a series of experiences that led to completing a puzzle, I could finally say goodbye to Cindy and welcome the two sides within her: Catharina and Cinderella. From one moment to the next, there was complete acceptance coupled with a deafening silence. I had the realization, “This is who I am! These six female energies are all parts of me!” Every day, I become better acquainted with these facets and learned to manage them better. It has become easier over time to tune-in with each sub and
ask her opinion on various subjects. For example, I would ask Cate about how I should effectively raise my son. I would consult Sanne in a challenging work situation. I can use the qualities of my “subs” in a more conscious and deliberate manner in the search for answers, especially when I’m in doubt and uncertain about making the right choice. I’m becoming CEO of all facets of my personality and I experience more tranquility with this perfect entré to make choices concerning every part of my life. My “subs” give me clarity regarding who I am and what I want, and ultimately, they provide me with so much more inner peace. Allow me to introduce you to all of my “subs”… Cate
Cate is my businesswoman. She is results-driven, confident about her knowledge and qualifications, an excellent organizer, honest, clear in her communication both spoken and written; she is an advisor and media expert, who is constantly busy, active, and focused on development. She is frequently irritated and inpatient when things don’t happen according to her timetable. She loves her work and delights in being a productive, proficient professional. She’s a real tiger and prefers to take the lead and make significant continuous progress. She’s also a working mom, totally loyal to her work, and simultaneously responsible for her little boy, Mees. She wears glasses that make her look more intelligent, serious, and credible, with high heels for power, and the perfectly matching
business suit. A few of her favorite expressions are: “Ok, let’s go!” and “Interesting, please continue…” Coco
Coco is the girl without boundaries. She’s a flirt, very creative, self-confident (about her looks and demeanor), and she communicates with ease. She loves challenges, experiences, male companionship, laughing, and dancing. She loves to laugh, is open, and carefree. She wears her hair loose, contact lenses replace her glasses, and she chooses clothes that make her feel sexy and free, from high heels to flip-flops. Her life motto is: “If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun!” Catharina
Catharina is the independent strong woman. She prefers to be alone… to think, feel, read, and rest. She is focused on comfort and she’s a woman of few words. She proudly wears the family name of my grandma and aunt, both powerful and self-confident women. She frequently reflects on life by tuning inside to re-energize herself and finding peace of mind. She's constantly challenged by the expression, “Life’s what happens to you while you are busy making other plans!” Charly
Charly is the social friend and caregiver. She’s constantly taking care of others and people love her for this quality. She’s always in company of others, quite flexible, like a chameleon adjusting her image, approach, and communication style to the person in greatest need. She uses words like: “we can,” “shall I?,” “of
course” and “never mind.” She’s also the caring mother of Mees, her son. Cinderella
Cinderella is the princess in distress, full of hopes and wishes, yet in doubt of her expectations. She believes in fairy tales and is an uncertain daydreamer. She loves dramatic, romantic, and magical stories. Her image often is a challenge since she wants to live up to her own expectations and those of others. She uses words like: “maybe,” “I hope,” and “someday.” She wants to be the perfect mother for her son while waiting for the fairy tale life to begin. Sanne
Sanne is the simple happy little girl, playful, free, curious, pure, down to earth, and very easy-going. She loves nature, grass, the beach and finds happiness in simple, small things and experiences. She has a close connection to the countryside and her birthplace. Her words are simple and pure, “joepie!” Lizette’s Sub Depiction
Lizette, from Denmark, has a very different depiction of her “subs.” As she states, “I discovered the first three in 2007 during coaching sessions with my Coach Frank.” The following are Lizette’s sub depictions: Anne: Lady of the Castle goes for the essence. The following is a list of her qualities: Intuitive, empathetic, warm, serene, peaceful, aesthetic, goes for the essence, less is more, trusts the process. She is a “Human Being.” Dresses to make the picture complete. Anne’s shadow-side lists the following: forgets time and results, distant, not practical, and fails to consider finances. Else: the Professional is responsible and powerful. Her list of qualities include: Straight forward, visionary, clear result-driven objectives, extremely good planner, time-boxing “First-Things-First,” efficient, quality-price check, respectful of self and others, is the solid rock and safe haven. Puts things into perspective. Dresses stylishly, classic, yet practical. Her shadow-side includes: Too results-oriented and can be restless if nothing seems to be happening. She can be too much in her head. Inga: the Butler is service within herself. Her list of qualities includes: The great helper, serving, disciplined, responsible and loyal, knows the etiquette, dresses “invisibly”. Is a “Human Doing.” Is liked by colleagues and friends. Inga’s shadow-side is that she’s a perfectionistic, forgets her limits, finds it difficult to set priorities and panics if she loses overview, formally. She holds on to what has been agreed to and at times can be inflexible. Lady Di: Vulnerable has deep emotions. She is honest, quiet, a good listener, with good intentions, gentle, helpful to people, supportive, passionate, receptive, and soft dressing. Her shadow-side is that she has minimal self-confidence, is too vulnerable, too sweet, withdrawn, and is at risk for the “Pleaselike-me Syndrome.” Gretha: La Grande Dame is concerned with saving the world. She is a World citizen, inspirational and enthusiastic, engaged, sees the headlines in world peace, security policy, trade relations and
sustainability. Gretha makes statements on the big issues of life – and also dresses that way. She loves jewels and extravagant style; she is very colorful. The shadow-side of Gretha is listed as: overwhelming, gets dominant or shows “political behavior,” if she does not get what she wants. Can go in ego-mode. Spends too much money on things that do not really matter. Pippi Longstocking is fun and adventurous. Her qualities include: fun and sparkling, creative and curious, holds life lightly, nothing is impossible, with ample stamina and an enormous will (she can really carry a horse!). She wears bright colors. However, Pippi Longstocking’s shadow-side is impulsive, out of tune, dangerously adventurous, and often too strong-willed. It was Inga, the butler, the great helper, who always made me successful at work and well liked by friends; the Lady of the Castle, represented my serenity and need for quiet moments, La Grande Dame traveled the world to work for peace and democracy. The fourth – Pippi Longstocking - was added in 2008, when I found out that my fun part was missing in my three other “subs.” Number 5 and 6 came to me after I was triggered at the end of 2009. I found my professional sub who helps me set priorities and produce results, and lastly, Lady Di, the vulnerable sub with a lot of sensitivity. The butler helped me make an international corporate career, but has drained my energy. I have now trained the butler also to take care of me, and not just everyone else. That helps me with my energy level. If the butler is too busy, then the Lady of the Castle is not being heard. I then need to ask the Butler to make a nice cup of tea for her. The Professional is also a good mediator. If La Grande Dame becomes too assertive with her big plans for saving the world or is too concerned about outer-centered things, it helps to call in Pippi for balance, to put things into perspective, and let the Professional ground the process. If La Grande Dame becomes too dominant, the Lady of the Castle can quiet her down in a civilized and face-saving way. If Lady Di, the perfectionist, is afraid of not performing well the Lady of the Castle goes into the essence and the Professional gets
the work done. I am the CEO of my own “subs.” If there is an issue I am struggling with, I call a board meeting and ask each of them what they feel and what they want. I then consider fulfilling a wish for each of them… like I did once by arranging a New Year Gala at our home. Here is how the process took place: The Lady of the Castle was only interested in having deep conversations with her best friends – she was allowed to sit down for an hour – just drinking champagne with wonderful people without doing anything else. The Grande Dame wanted a 5 star menu – she created one new and sophisticated dish to surprise and impress all the guests. The Butler wanted the house in perfect order – placed candles at all the staircases and in the garden – and received help from the Professional with the planning, and the cleaning lady in advance. Pippi just wanted fun – she was allowed to set off fireworks at midnight with the other children. Lady Di was afraid there would not be enough time for everything and I would be exhausted too early. She was invited to have a nap in the afternoon, while my husband was helping – he received help from the Professional. The Professional wanted a “well-oiled” evening in balance with the right atmosphere: not over the top and not too modest either. She made sure my husband did the shopping, laid the table, and took care of all beverages, and the other “subs” did what they did best following the philosophy that less is more. When I sense that I overreact and become triggered, it is much easier to detect what is happening when I check in with my
“subs.” It is also easier for others to be close to me, and at times to speak directly to which ever sub appears to be present in a loving and compassionate manner rather than to talk to “me” directly. Getting feedback is more fun and less confronting, so it is easier to hear and receive. I learn a lot from the feedback, especially about the “subs” and it is easier to hear since it is about them and not directly about me! I train and teach my “subs” to support me. I also love using the “subs” in decisionmaking, like planning the New Year celebration. I have used “subs” in processes to create new imprints for myself. If I feel agitated, it is easier for me to detect what I am experiencing, to address it, and then take better care of myself. In short, I learn to put on my own oxygen mask first and much faster than I ever did in the past. Acknowledging my “Subs” provided me with insights in my own patterns and triggers, making it easier to change behavior. It has been fun to share with family, friends, and colleagues, and to receive feedback in a more pleasant way and experiment with new behaviors. My three main risks are: 1. Lack of overview/panic 2. Dominance 3. “Please-like-me!” When I need support from my “subs”, I need to ask the Butler to take care of me, the Professional, and put things back into perspective. I also ask support from others in this way, “Please help me get grounded and in contact with my feelings!” Marc Padberg’s Process of Getting to Know His “Subs”
When I learned about the concept of subs, I initially encountered a lot of resistance. I thought, “Here is another mental model that can simplify reality! Let’s focus on connecting to my essence, rather than wasting time on my mind.” I overcame my resistance, when I discovered that my mind was dictating to me, literally, keeping reality at arm’s length; it was in the way of me really connecting with other people. This was a new insight and opened the door to consider exploring the world of my “subs”. The process started with identifying the voices I heard in my head. I noticed different colors of voices, different tones of voice, and different choices of words. They seemed to come in clusters. In the beginning, they seemed like merely voices uttering words. Gradually, as I gave them more time, space, and opportunity to show themselves, they took on more characteristics, fleshed themselves out and became three dimensional– they developed into parts of me that I recognized when I reflected back on my life. That realization of recognition was beautiful –getting to know myself in a whole new way. This new level of awareness happened because a wide variety of characters entered my stage. I discovered that I have many different faces, with a diversity of taste in music, and clothing. I noticed my transformation from a complete skeptic, to a “subspecialist” appreciating my different expressions, interests, and proclivities. Each one of my “subs” has typical physical sensations and feelings. This process triggered the question in me – now who am I? Am I each of these characters, all of them at the same time? Or am I someone else? Who is observing these “subs” of mine? In the beginning, the process of listening to my “subs” almost drove me mad. I thought, “What chaos! What noise! How did I survive all these years before I found out about them? Could I find that secret again?” I realized that I could have one predominant sub, which overruled the other “Subs” at times. It felt as if I became that sub and was only that sub at that moment. I would then change into another sub and that sub would enable me to experience an inner calmness. The more I started noticing my “subs” and paying attention to what they were saying, the more it became quiet inside of me. Like little
children that want your attention and once it is granted, nestle against you harmoniously. William (Will-I-Am), for example, my arrogant Mr. Perfect, has a harness over his chest and a clip on his throat. His feelings are pride and superiority. Marcus, my monk, feels humble, small, but physically he’s almost transparent with no sensations whatsoever. Wilhelmus, the clown and life-lover, has a joyous heart, restless legs and arms and enjoys being very naughty. Identifying the voices, their specific behaviors, and determining which ones were actually “subs” made life much easier for me. Once I recognized my first sub, I gave it time, determined what it wanted from me, listened to it, considered its needs and then made a choice. I discovered this interesting paradox: as time goes by, I discover more and more “subs” and yet, as the “subs” surface, the quieter it becomes inside of my mind! The more I am aware of what is going on…what I’m hearing and feeling, the more peaceful I become. In the end, the concept of sub-personalities has helped me simplify my inner complexity. William, was resisting the concept when I first heard of it. He thought, “I’d rather stay in control – the less you know about me, the more I can rule you.” Yet, having exposed William’s agenda has given me a new friend. All of my “subs” belong to me, every one of them. They are all the facets that comprise who I am. So, the question is, who is Marc? My answer is that Marc is my essential self, my being, my essence. The more I listen to my “Subs”, the more they become integrated within me. They are magnified, sometimes caricatured parts of me – that were given tacit permission to exist and develop because they had a specific function, or a role to play, to protect me –the pure child within, my pure inner being. William’s biting criticism gave me the perspective to be better, stronger, smarter, and more enlightened than everyone else, especially my adversaries. He allowed me to feel untouchable, even though that is an illusion I unconsciously believed, it gave me the option to feel superior. My new intention is to become more and more accessible to others, and also to myself. The more I dare to be
touched, the more the edges of the “subs” soften and ultimately disappear. The more the “subs” integrate, the more inner harmony becomes restored. The “subs” find their way back home to me, stepby-step, where they originated in the first place. So we have come full circle.
CHAPTER 5 WHEN BOTH PARTNERS EXHUME THEIR SUB-PERSONALITIES Consider the situation of Jaap and Anneke, a married couple with a blended family… each of them brought their children, from previous marriages, into their new relationship. They both want their marriage to succeed for themselves and for their children. When they were in MMS programs, they were each able to discover their sub-personalities. With this new understanding of themselves, they were able to better understand their partner and the dynamics of their relationship. They discovered that understanding their partner’s “subs,” helped them to accept and understand their partner better, when connected and especially when encountering conflict. Knowing each other’s “subs” has brought more joy and humor into the relationship each time one of their “subs” surfaces and shows its typical behaviors. First we will focus on each individual in the relationship, then we will discuss the interactions each sub-personality has with the “subs” of the other partner. Jaap, the husband, discovered eight sub-personalities. At times he discovered a “sub” completely by accident, or through the interactions with the “subs” of Anneke. Jaap was very open to the different facets within him and although this was the first time he had given them names and descriptions, he was aware of their different energies. He described his eight “subs” like this… Jean Pierre: an overly cautious, risk-avoiding personality who tends to think things over a thousand times before making a decision or choice. Sjaak: independent, who is critical about rules and regulations and needs to be different from everyone else. He sets boundaries, whereby he is not hindered by having too many feelings. Ruurd: is a hard-worker who ensures the family’s financial security. He is very responsible. Bob: a craftsman, who likes to work with his hands, likes to repair broken things, and uses existing materials to create something new.
Marco Polo: a curious researcher who is eager to explore; he gets energized from everything that is new. Jean-Jacques: the businessman who is purpose-oriented; everything should be useful; he likes taking initiative as a leader and enjoys basic comfort levels. Sebastian: musical sub, likes to play alone or to make beautiful music with others. Jacob: Warm guy, playful, fun, very sensitive, emphatic and easy-going. Jaap’s “Subs” as he initially described them After he named them, Jaap then defined their roles in his life. Ruurd and Jean-Pierre are in alignment because they share the same values and purpose: they take care of the safety net for the family. They are both responsible, and ensure that there is always sufficient money to make a living. Jean-Pierre is very careful, doesn’t take many risks, and Ruurd generates the money by working hard… sometimes too hard. The moment Ruurd stops working Jacob pups up, and suddenly starts joking, making a fool of himself and sometimes others. This brings back the balance of the workaholic Ruurd. A strong driver, Marco Polo, is extremely curious in technical things, people, spiritual matters and he gives courage, plus an open mind, and lots of energy. Sjaak hates rules and obligations. This helps him find his own individuality, lifestyle, values, and independence. Sjaak helps in setting boundaries and generating security for Jaap. Ruurd and Jean-Pierre really want to be accepted as a valuable part of society, and they are balanced by Sjaak. Jacob has a wonderful time being loving with the family. He shows a lot of empathy, and has a strong ability to feel. Jaap is practical and business-oriented, which he expresses through the Jean Jacques sub. Jean Jacques also likes being in the leading position and he enjoys comfort. Being the leader, or the boss is in balance with the other “subs”, especially Jacob. Jaap turns out to be the team leader of all his “subs”. The challenge was for Jaap to keep straight who was present and in charge of all eight at any given moment.
The discovery of the “subs” helped Jaap to manage his different sides, to examine his behavior from a distance, and to recognize any imbalances. When Anneke, Jaap’s wife, took the MMS Coach Training, she also wanted to become acquainted with her “subs”. Over the period of one year she discovered she had ten sub-personalities. Anneke can visualize her “subs” easily and she describes them like this… Lois: Efficient business woman, focused on making and spending money. She wears expensive clothes, very high-heeled shoes, leather gloves, long leather coat, and a business laptop bag. She has long dark red hair and drives a convertible. Ruth: Pitbull who won’t stop until she gets “it” done; she wears black clothes, brown lipstick, and is inconspicuous. Annie: avoids taking any risks, is cautious & careful, “yes-but” are her words. She dresses inconspicuously, has brown lipstick and hair neither long nor short. Anne: caring and loving wife, mother and friend; she wears easy clothes, made from nice fabrics, she is bare footed, with a little make-up, pink or light brown lipstick. Lot: playful little child who wants to belong to a group of people. She looks like a little girl of 6 years, wearing a red t-shirt and dark brown trouser with 2 cherries on the chest. Her hair is in pigtails, and she has sparkling eyes. Jet: The clown who loves to make fun. She wears a yellow, red, green and blue colored suit, with colorful shoes. She has red lipstick and a colorful tattoo. Annet: is the powerful woman. She wears jeans, with a white t-shirt, sneakers or high-heeled shoes, red lipstick, very short hair, with a tattoo. Puck: Is in charge of nurturing and taking care of Anneke. She has a nice tan, wears a lovely dress, high-heeled wooden shoes, nails polished and shaved legs. Ziva: The person having DO-power, efficient, builder. She looks casual but feminine. Noor: Artistic side of Anneke, likes painting and music. She looks colorful, barefooted, with a pencil in her hand.
Anneke’s “Subs”: Anneke feels like she is the conductor of her orchestra of “subs.” She is most happy, when all the “subs” appear from time to time. Lois is the businesswoman. Lois likes efficiency and making money, but dislikes people in the office wasting time when they should be working efficiently. Together with Ruth, ‘the pitbull,’ she embraces projects and shows tenacity. Noor is the opposite of Lois. She is the artist who wants to create beautiful colorful paintings, enjoys music, both as a listener and a performer. Annet and Ziva are goal-oriented and when they team up with Lois and Ruth they are unstoppable. Annet is present in many situations. She is excellent in planning and organizing events. She is no-nonsense, and always wants to speak up when something is not right. When there is a quarrel, she will work to get things back on track again. Annet enjoys risky sports and is used to confronting and overcoming her fears. Annet is also active in raising children. Anne is the good listening, caring sub who helps whoever is in need whenever possible. Anne cares for the family, makes the meals, and cares for the home. Both Anne and Annet show up for coaching sessions to support people finding their inner compass. Puck is the opposite of Anne in that she is only concerned about herself and the well being of Anneke. She enjoys painting, meditation, and relaxing. Puck and Anne are well balanced. Ziva is the Sub with a lot of DO-power. She is a real builder, being efficient and she likes to work on large and complex projects. For example, building a kitchen, redecorating a house and new offices are all projects Ziva enjoys. Jet is the clown, is light-hearted, happy, and fun-loving. She enjoys jokes, parties, and colorful clothes. Sometimes Jet shows up unexpectedly, which turns into a balancing act for Lois, Ruth, Annet, and Ziva.
Lot is sweet, small, and likes to be a part of the group. Making the house cozy, with candlelight and a nice fire are important to her. She dislikes quarrels. You can easily see that Anneke’s Jet, the clown, and Jaap’s Jacob would connect and enjoy spending time together. You can also see that Lot would enjoy Jacob and have wonderful shared experiences. There is also an excellent match on a business level between Jean-Jacques and Lois, and a good balance between serious and playful. As a matter of fact, there was a lot of magic when Jaap and Anneke first met, although at that time they were not aware of these “subs.” In retrospect, it turns out that both of them have a great deal in common, although there are still enough differences to have an interesting relationship. Both Anneke and Jaap have “subs” that are very powerful, but also some that are very cautious. They have a lot of DO-power, and a lot of empathy. Some of the connected combinations are: Ruurd and Annie, both are responsible. Jean-Jacques and Lois or Anne are also a match because of the work ethic and intense focus on accountability. Sjaak, Bob, Annet, Ruth, and Ziva are in alignment since they will get the job done no matter what! When Ruurd and Jean-Jacques have a project and they can focus Ruth, the pitbull and Lois, then there is complete alignment of purpose and synergy. It turns out that the awareness of the “subs” has various effects on the relationship. The knowledge of the “subs” of each partner helps the couple support each other. For example, when Annie is a little too present, and takes over Anneke, Jaap can suggest that Anneke may activate Annet a little more in order to get back into balance. When Jaap is working way too hard, Ruurd is in charge, Anneke can remind Jaap of his other “subs,” and his experience that balancing his “Subs” makes him happy. On the other hand, the knowledge of each other’s “subs” also brings more awareness to themselves. Jaap did not like the Annie sub of Anneke. He could live with her, but he did not like her. This was before he discovered the sub-personality of Jean-Pierre. Because of their relationship which is based on love, openness, and learning, Jaap discovered that he also had a very strong sub, who is
constantly saying “Yes, but.” By discovering this, Jean-Pierre was recognized, became more in balance, and his acceptance of Annie turns out to be much easier than expected. Last but not least, by knowing each other’s “subs,” Jaap and Anneke can actively influence their own behavior, depending on what is needed in a given moment, and also become stronger as a couple. They became even more functional as a couple since they were able to externalize their internal characters.
CHAPTER 6 THE AUTHOR’S “SUBS” This book would not be complete without the inclusion of my own dear Sub-personalities. When I was writing my book, Negaholics, from 1987-1989, my editor wrote comments on the manuscript, “Who is this voice? There are too many voices in this book. Choose one voice and let that one voice write the book!” I found her comment to be illuminating. As I reread my manuscript I found that there were several voices writing the book rather than one unified voice. There was an academic voice, a humoristic voice, a matter-of-fact voice, a tongue-in-cheek voice and they were all, in effect, grabbing the microphone from each other saying, “Now it’s my turn to speak!” As I rewrote the book, I negotiated with the various voices and I selected the voice for the book and the tone became very clear and clean. From then on, whenever I wrote a book I would ask the question, “What is the right voice for this book?” When I found the right voice the writing flowed, since I eliminated any infighting and presented the proverbial microphone to one sub. The philosophy is one voice per book!
Since that time I have gotten to know my “subs”, discovered what they need, and even found that most of my “subs” relate to my
seven chakras. Each sub has it’s own identity, color, location in my body, and strengths. When a sub becomes ignored, discounted, diminished, or eclipsed it will default to its weakness and become devious and even subversive to be recognized, so it doesn’t disappear. When my “subs” are in balance there is harmony and peace in the kingdom. These are my eight “subs” as I have defined them: Isabella – 7th chakra – color: purple – introverted – intuitive – spiritual, quiet, likes time alone or with one other person. She loves to write and to coach others. She looks for intimate relationships; recharges alone, she is clear, conscious, connected. She requires very little, no possessions, little food, no attention and she likes to be alone listening to her inner guidance. When she writes she feels like she is taking dictation from higher beings that whisper in her soul’s ear. She needs to be closely connected to God, and to have her relationships be functional and loving. th Jan – 6 chakra – color: cobalt blue – intellect – precise, accurate, professional, ethical, on time, does the right thing, does her very best, keeps agreements, exceeds expectations, is responsible, accountable, thoroughly competent, Ph.D. graduate, problem solver, pilot, scuba diver, OD consultant. When details are not accurate, or she is misquoted, or passed over she becomes very upset because she feels invalidated. She has only two choices when she feels she is not taken seriously, she either withdraws completely or lashes out to declare a boundary, often unintentionally hurting others in the process. th Evie – 5 chakra – color: navy – extrovert – loves to teach and train. She loves to be on stage, creating value for everyone, she likes signing books, facilitating, teaching how to coach, she loves parties, dancing, meeting new people, being the center of attention, being positioned by others as “Someone” rather than Isabella who needs no recognition at all.
Fiona – 4th chakra – color: green – heart – “feeler.” Feels deeply and feels intensely. She empathizes with others and is connected to her feelings. Many things move her: music, movies, stories, poetry, she has a wide-open heart, she would do anything for others, would give her last penny to another in need. She loves to love, to be loved, to celebrate love. Phoebe – 3rd chakra – color: yellow - “powerful” She gets what she wants, she can deal with all sorts of situations, people, and she is up to the challenge to deal with really difficult people who are scary and confrontational. Scarlett – 2nd chakra – color: red – sensual and sexy – a wild thing that is usually kept in check by the “subs” with higher numbers! She is a magnet for men, with lots of energy and creativity. She brings creativity for new projects, new curriculum designs, and “out-of-the-box” thinking are all based in Scarlet. She doesn’t care what people think because she is usually ten to thirty years ahead of her time and others cannot relate to her. Ruthie – 1st chakra – color: orange/brown – “grounded” Will always survive, she will always find out how to make things work. She will always land on her feet. She is anchored and rooted to the Earth. Unshakable, great in crises, can be counted on no matter what happens. She will defend the old, the young, those who cannot help themselves. She is an advocate for human rights and secretly an activist who wants to stand up to the bullies and protect the persecuted. Cherie-Z Scared, hurt, shy child who feels misunderstood, passed by, eclipsed, ignored, used, and unacknowledged. She was constantly told to behave in ways that were not true to her essence. Her mantra is, “Just let me be me! Stop trying to make me into someone else. Let me be me!” When she feels as if there is no way for her to exist, she quits. She quits quite easily and quickly. Usually someone
close to her will re-enroll her into whatever she has just quit: a relationship, a project, a job by giving her the respect and honor she deserves and requires. She rejoins as rapidly as she quits, but when she quits, she is completely serious at the moment since she is unattached and willing to walk out when she feels things are not working and she cannot be herself or make a difference. On the other hand, she is very humorous, playful, mischievous, and loves to dance and sing. The two sides of this child are quite antithetical and at times it can be confusing to those around her. It wouldn’t be fair to introduce you to my “subs” without meeting the “subs” of my partner in life, and husband, Michael Anthony. We are very much alike and yet, very different. Michael Anthony’s “Subs” Sweet Archangel in Service: is his highest self and his purpose on Earth. He is always ready to offer service and support to whoever needs it, regardless of their station in life. He delights in healing and making people happy in both big and small ways. Giving nurtures his soul. He wears comfortable clothing that is suited to support others. Agent: well respected for whom he knows and what he can do; understated and likes others to praise him without him saying a word. He loves putting deals together where everyone wins. He works behind the scenes getting satisfaction from the results he magically and seamlessly produces. He wears a dark suit, blue shirt, with black loafers. Freddy Free Food: has a scarcity-mentality, probably starved to death in a past life because he is preoccupied with food and getting enough to eat. He notices “All You Can Eat” signs, is attracted to buffets, and the highlight of his travel day is to go to the membership lounge and eat, assuming that the food on the flight will be inedible or if he is in a plane crash in a remote location, he will need a good supply of food to draw from. He dresses well in slacks, loafers, polo shirt, and blazer.
The Loner: an introvert who chooses to be alone, on his own for exercising, eating, shopping, and watching television and movies. The focus is being in control of his destiny. He prefers to be his own person doing life on his own terms without having to be concerned about anyone else...on his own he can never be wrong for the choices he makes. His job is to take care of himself! He wears cargo pants, sneakers, and polo shirt. Researcher: likes searching for and finding information on a variety of subjects and then comparing and contrasting it. He loves getting the best deal and knowing where to get it. He delights in sharing data that he has gathered with others so they may benefit as well. He wears jeans and a loose fitting shirt. Sports Mik: must exercise daily for his well-being. It’s his reward and mediation that kick-starts his daily routine. He trains his body and mind with intensity, speed and endurance. He has chosen a healthy and balanced lifestyle, which also enables him to feel comfortable with his masculinity. He wears exercise shorts, t-shirt, and running shoes. Multi-tasker: can be counted on to get the job done in record time. He is efficient and effective. He defers his rewards until after the work is completed. Finds joy in working on several projects simultaneously. He wears minimal clothes so he can respond quickly choosing whatever clothes are required for the task. He loves to travel, to exceed expectations, and holds it all as a huge adventure that he gets to make up each day when he wakes up. He has a great sense of humor and enjoys getting overly-serious people laughing at their circumstances. He is a wizard at logistics, organizing, and packing, and he likes using his creativity to see how to get the maximum out of every opportunity. Howard (Mr.) Clean obsesses about being clean. Personal hygiene is his #1 concern and he takes 2-3 showers per day. He has a phobia of germs. He washes his hands, brushes his teeth, washes his feet whenever he can; he constantly cleans his area or is assessing what must be cleaned. He is completely serious and thoroughly humorous when being in charge of cleaning up the world! The “subs” that connect are: Isabella and Sweet Archangel because of their high value of spirituality. Isabella and The Loner are
connected because they are both introverts and enjoy spending time alone. Scarlett is a match with Sports Mik since they both are comfortable getting their needs met. Jan and Evie are a match with Michael’s Agent; Sweet Archangel in Service supports little Cherie-Z when she feels lost. Isabella and Jan feel supported by Researcher, Agent, and Multi-tasker.
CHAPTER 7 SUB INTEGRATION The process of internal voice identification and integration does not have to be terribly complicated, but it does have some very specific and necessary steps. You must be willing to proceed step by step, and follow the directions to completion in order to obtain the desired results. Most often my clients and participants use this process in order to seek these specific results: • To silence the voices of the mind • To reprogram negativity • To turn the voices into allies • To be less stressed, more calm • To experience inner peace Step-by-Step Process Step #1: you must be willing to actively listen to the voices in your mind, and really HEAR what they are saying to you. Step #2: after you hear the words the voice is saying, write down everything that you have heard, or speak the voice out loud into the voice memo on your smart phone…then write down what you recorded. Seeing the words on the page is a very important step in the process. Step #3: describe the visual image associated with the voice and the words you heard. Close your eyes and visualize what or who is saying these words to you. Take whatever image surfaces, without judging or editing what you see. If you see nothing, imagine a photo of yourself between the ages of two and four and use it to stimulate the experience of the child within you who possesses a vivid imagination. Use your childlike creativity to depict all the characters inside your head. Actively visualize each character allowing the child within you to conjure up the visual representation that accompanies each voice. Step #4: name each character so you can reference and differentiate them from each other. You can give them numbers, colors, anything that connects with your experience of them and labels them as separate from the others.
Step #5: write down the function or purpose of this subpersonality. Why is s/he there? When did this person show up in your life? When does s/he appear in your current life? What does s/he do to help you or to hinder you? Would you consider this “sub” an ally or an enemy? Step #6: Outline on paper all of the “subs” that you are aware of. Make your own drawing of them so that they become fully “Fleshed out.” Step #7: Have a conversation with your coach or close friend and present to him or her all the information you have gathered about your “subs” and request their feedback. Ask if you have missed anything about yourself that they perceive. Be open to any information you receive from your friend or coach. Questions to guide you on your “Sub-excavation:” What is your name? When did you come into my life? Why did you originally appear? At what times do you show up? What do I need to know about you? What is the best way for me to deal with you? What do you want to tell me? Are you on my side or against me? Step #8: TRAIN, NEGOTIATE, OR EVICT After you have acknowledged their existence, externalized them, given them an identity, purpose, and listened to what they have to say to you, you have some choices to make. Take a close look at the answer to the question: Are you on my side or against me? If you noted that a sub is on your side then you might want to consider keeping them around because they are helpful in certain situations. If the sub goes both ways, sometimes an ally and at other times an enemy, then you might consider training the part of them that is against you. If you determined that this sub is clearly an enemy, then you may seriously want to evict that sub from your consciousness. You have essentially three choices: train them, negotiate with them, or evict them.
In certain cases the sub is so embedded, so familiar, so much a part of you that you cannot imagine life without him. This is a bit like the battered-wife syndrome. It may feel terrible but if you have defined the situation as your reality, it is difficult to imagine life without this voice living in your head. If the sub is an adversary or an enemy, even part of the time, you must establish when and where it surfaces in order to see when and where you can evict the voice. If it is a slippery sub, then you will need to be very aware, because the sub is comfortable and doesn’t want to be evicted. You may very well have miscellaneous entities inhabiting your head… uninvited guests, who showed up one day and never left. You may have been putting up with them because you're a nice person and you don’t want to inconvenience anyone. You may not want to ‘rock the boat’, upset the status quo, or get anyone angry at you. You therefore, are polite, accommodating, and even charming to those uninvited houseguests. You have become a master at tolerating, stuffing down the feelings, and, ignoring voices that diminish, criticize, and abuse you. This is not a mandatory sentence. You are not required to put up with mental cruelty. Try to identify and describe a time or event when this part of you first appeared. If this part of you is not predominant, what do you believe life might be like if it became predominant? What helps this part of you grow? How do you relate to women? men? children? animals? Give this part of you a name. It might be a nickname you were called years ago, a descriptive adjective, the name of a character from a movie, or any name that feels right to you. There are a variety of tools and techniques that you can use to be able to discover your sub-personalities. For example, one of the best ways is to journal. In order to do this effectively, you need to have some time by yourself, to listen and connect with your “subs”. Another way to uncover your “subs” is to have a coaching session with a coach. Ask your coach to pull out of you, in
a gentle way, the various parts that come into play in your daily interactions. It may take a few sessions, but you will be interested to meet the various energies that are dormant or active in your interpersonal relationships. You can also invite your “subs” to come forward by meditating. Being still and focused can allow the “subs” to reveal themselves to you. Integration comes from getting to know your sub-personalities and starting a conversation about needs, motives, and functions. As you may have noticed, integration comes from inviting your subpersonalities to have functional conversations, to engage in healthy negotiations, and to be in supportive alignment with your highest self. Imagine yourself as the CEO, Chief Executive Officer of your life. You have the power to hire or fire any sub-personalities. If they are good team members, then keep them. If they are subversive “subs”, then ask them to leave. You do not need to put up with subliminal “subs” sabotaging your life. You need to be the CEO who is senior to and can orchestrate all facets of your personality. You need to take charge and manage the various energies and entities that could pull you in different directions. Whatever way you choose to discover your “subs,” your awareness will be very useful in coaching your clients. A safe environment, judgment-free is always required in order to exhume the secret drivers who lurk in the subconscious. When you embrace your “subs” they no longer need to fight for center stage; they no longer need to sabotage your efforts. Embracing your “subs” is the best way to step into the driver’s seat of your life and ultimately become one! “Knowing who you are and determining who is in charge are the first steps to finding inner peace.”
ABOUT MMS In 1974 Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott developed MMS Institute to inspire and guide people to discover their authentic selves, to connect with others and facilitate their choices, while living and working in a creative, focused, harmonious, and respectful manner. The MMS Worldwide Institute is an organization that empowers individuals and organizations to cause their visions, goals, and missions to become reality! What MMS Institute does… •Facilitates Organizational Change •Aligns employees towards the same goal •Facilitates buy-in with Mergers and Acquisitions •Trains individuals to become professional coaches •Empowers individuals and organizations •Licenses trainers and coaches to teach our 33 courses •Provides 24 hour, 7 day a week online training: MMSVT What MMS Offers: -Change Management Program -Coaching Skills Program -Communication & Conflict Management Program -Consultative Sales Program -Interviewing Skills Program -Leadership Skills Program -Performance Appraisal Program -Presentations Skills Program -Self-Management Program -Stress Management Program -Termination & Exit Interview Program -Women in Leadership Program -Working In Harmony (Diversity) Personal Development Courses at MMS –Inner Negotiation Workshop –Inner Negotiation Review –Teen Inner Negotiation Workshop –Young Inner Negotiation Workshop
–Self-Empowering Course –Personal Financial Mastery Course –Relationship Course –I Love My Body Course Professional Trainings offered at MMS –MMS Coach Training –Advanced Coach Training –Building Community –Partnership, Coaching & Mediation –MMS Team Training –MMS Facilitator Training –MMS Master Class: Leader Training Benefits of MMS Courses •To increase productivity •To improve morale •To reduce costs •To foster Teamwork and alignment •To create cultural harmony •To instill the value of customer satisfaction •To enhance self-confidence •To create corporate coaching cultures 6 ©Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D. 2012
Table of Contents Acknowledgments Chapter 1 Who Gets In the Way? Chapter 2 Some Simple “Subs” Chapter 3 Theatre of the “Subs” Chapter 4 Sub Excavation Multiplied Chapter 5 When Both Partners Exhume Their Sub-Personalities Chapter 6 The Author’s “Subs” Chapter 7 Sub Integration About MMS Copyright