Be Understood or Be Overlooked: Mastering Communication in the Workplace 1865089443, 9781865089447, 9781741151183

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be understood or be overlooked

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be understood or be overlooked mastering communication in the workplace

graham andrewartha

First published in 2002 Copyright © Graham Andrewartha 2002 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act. Allen & Unwin 83 Alexander Street Crows Nest NSW 2065 Australia Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100 Fax: (61 2) 9906 2218 Email: [email protected] Web: www.allenandunwin.com National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry: Andrewartha, Graham. Be understood or be overlooked : mastering influence in the workplace. Bibliography. Includes index. ISBN 1 86508 944 3. 1. Interpersonal communication. I. Title. (Series: Mastery series ; No. 2). 153.6 Cover and internal design by Peta Nugent Printed by Griffin Press 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

iv be understood or be overlooked

foreword No one would talk much in society, if he only knew how often he misunderstands others. Goethe I have been practising psychotherapy for almost 30 years. Having edited or written more than 20 professional books and monographs that appear in nine languages; having taught psychotherapy in 35 countries; having studied with some of the most renowned psychotherapists of the 20th century, including Milton H. Erickson M.D., who is probably history’s greatest psychotherapeutic communicator — one would think that I would have mastered the art of making myself perfectly understood. If only that were the case. Improving communication skills continues to be a lifelong endeavour. Fortunately, there are people like Graham Andrewartha, who can help us to be better understood. Be Understood or Be Overlooked is an engaging journey into the intricacies of human interaction. Readers will learn an immediately applicable and eminently useful model that can be applied both at home and at work. It is a book that readers will return to often, especially at those moments when they’ve strayed into incomprehensible communication pitfalls. Cleverly designed, with practical exercises to help master key concepts, it is a book that provides a reliable map to communication. It is a great honour for me to introduce this important work from an esteemed colleague and innovative expert. Jeffrey K. Zeig, Ph.D. Director, The Milton Erickson Foundation Phoenix AZ, www.erickson-foundation.org foreword v

acknowledgments The evolution of good ideas is complicated and ambiguous but acknowledging the source of inspiration and those who contributed is simple. The spirit of Milton Erickson is influential and pervasive in this work. He was a grand Master Communicator. His brilliant successor, Jeffrey Zeig, the source of the original concept, is a friend and an incredible teacher. My partner Susan McPhee, the breathtaking creator, challenged and supported all the way. Alison Budden, the quiet developer with a fierce resilience, has been crucial. The other folks at McPhee Andrewartha — Michael Correll, Annie Shepherd, John Wallace, Karin Bottcher, Simon Cook, Karen Bannister, Jo Baker, Peter Andrewartha and Doug Gillett — supported with ideas, examples, patience and suggestions. Anne Deveson has been a model for humour and infinite perseverance. To the Rockford's Black Shiraz writer’s block group — Maria Podnieks, Chris Colyer, Sharon Clews, Margie McDonald, Danielle Andrewartha, Lou DeLeeuw, John Harris — thanks for the unblocking. Finally I appreciate the character-building contribution from my editor Brendan Atkins.

vi be understood or be overlooked

about the author Graham Andrewartha is a psychologist and Director of McPhee Andrewartha. He is the co-author of Developing Management Skills: A Comprehensive Guide for Leaders, and author of several chapters and numerous articles on leadership, communication and organisational effectiveness. He teaches MBA classes on leadership skills and consults widely throughout Australasia. He is married and has two great independent kids. In his spare time he reads junk thrillers, plays shrewd tennis, indifferent golf, and loves seeing two movies in a row. He considers that the cartoonist Gary Larson probably has the final word on leadership.

about the author vii

YOUR OFFICIAL INFLUENCE DIMENSIONS PROFILE You are invited to complete the original online Influence Dimensions communication tool in its entirety. You may also like to compare your Communication Mastery profile with that of a partner or friend. You can access your profile at a discounted price. To complete this, please log onto the Internet and go to: www.mcpheeandrewartha.com.au and click on the Influence Dimensions logo. On the next screen click on the Be Understood or Be Overlooked book logo. Enter the following details on the login screen: Username: buboreader Password: priority (Please note these are both case sensitive) Enter all details including your email address (where your report will be sent) and complete the questionnaire. Once you have completed the questionnaire you will be prompted for your payment details. This will allow you to purchase the report at a discounted rate of AU$20 (including GST), a very special offer for all readers of Be understood or be overlooked. I look forward to hearing from you. Graham Andrewartha

viii be understood or be overlooked

table of contents foreword

v

acknowledgments

vi

about the author

vii

your official influence dimensions profile introduction

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xiii

part one chapter 1 how not to be overlooked within four months 2 the pressure to be understood

3

four levels of understanding

6

principles of understanding

9

six tips for better understanding

10

six crucial macro understandings

13

expectation and understanding in conclusion

25

29

chapter 2 understanding and communication are you a master communicator?

31

why be a master communicator?

32

how to turn communication into understanding: six questions the nature and origins of language itself the communication process understanding

37

43

46

51

chapter 3 the evolutionary patterns trust and understanding

the seven evolutionary patterns

in conclusion

52

53

perception and understanding

matching

35

45

imitation or matching in conclusion

30

54 57

60 62 table of contents ix

part two: the seven patterns chapter 4 pattern 1: the speed trap 66 timing: rapid/gradual processor this micro understanding in detail how to read these descriptions the timing connection

69 73

74

improving the timing connection task and team selection

67

79

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how to increase your understanding on the timing factor in conclusion

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87

chapter 5 pattern 2: stretching the point

88

the emphasis dimension: exaggerators and understaters

89

this micro understanding in detail the emphasis connection

95

benefits and liabilities of emphasis task and team selection

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102

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gender and the emphasis factor

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how to increase your understanding on the emphasis factor in conclusion

111

chapter 6 pattern 3: the logic loop the thinking dimension: linear/lateral thinkers this micro understanding in detail the thinking connection

120

understanding the thinking pattern

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team and task selection on the thinking pattern

in conclusion

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chapter 7 pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus

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the focus dimension: detailer/conceptualiser this micro understanding in detail the focus connection

133

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improving the focus connection task and team selection

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how to increase your understanding on the focus factor in conclusion

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chapter 8 pattern 5: the blaming game

149

the evaluation dimension: self-evaluator/other-evaluator this micro understanding in detail the evaluation connection

150

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improving the evaluation connection

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team and task selection on the evaluation pattern

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how to increase understanding of the evaluation pattern in conclusion

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chapter 9 pattern 6: simon says

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the relationship dimension: initiator/responder this micro understanding in detail

170

relationship dimension differences

172

the relationship connection relationship prejudices

168

174 175

improving the relationship connection

177

team and task selection on the relationship pattern in conclusion

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184

table of contents xi

chapter 10 pattern 7: seeing is believing the perceptual system: visual, auditory, experiential this micro understanding in detail

189

perception dimension differences

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the perception connection

185 186

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improving the perceptual connection

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team and task selection on the perception pattern

197

how to increase your understanding of the perception pattern in conclusion

205

part three chapter 11 comprehensive understanding being noticed

209

feedback test

214

your overall influence profile

216

the four leadership / management styles leadership styles summary mastering your learning style

the whole book in 10 lines in conclusion

233

references index

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228 229

have you achieved communication mastery?

appendix

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introduction why is it that we instantly ‘click’ with some people and really get on very well with them? Why, with other people, do we have difficulty in communicating and being understood, or we don’t get on at all? With a few people (very few) it feels so natural and easy. It’s as if they know us, they accept us, and we feel that we know them and can trust them. We are comfortable. With others it is more difficult. It always feels a little bit more contrived. We have to work harder at it. Despite our best intentions communication seems flat, or as if there are misunderstandings and conflicts much of the time. Sometimes too, the very people we understood yesterday, the people we could rely on, suddenly say something that throws us. We get caught off guard. We thought we understood where they were coming from, but now … With some people the patterns seem to match, communication is successful and we are understood. With other people the patterns don’t connect, communication is disrupted and we are overlooked. These patterns are real and they are unique for each of us. They have their origins in our evolutionary past, but they shape our communication today. This book will reveal these evolutionary patterns. It will help you to identify these patterns or dimensions in yourself and enable you to develop your own personal communication profile. This book will also help you to recognise these unique patterns in others and, as a result, you will achieve greater understanding and success when dealing with other people at work and at home. You will attain Mastery over the hidden secrets of successful business and personal relationships. You will have the secret of trust. The purpose of this book is to help you achieve that level of understanding, the level of Communication Mastery. Trusting others and being introduction xiii

understood is simple once we understand the basis of acceptance. The way we talk and communicate is incredibly complicated and full of information. Yet how we say what we want to say is very limited, in contrast to the storehouse of all our knowledge, intent and ideas. It’s like a huge dam or reservoir that holds back the information, and at the wall is a small sluice gate that lets out just a small amount at a time. When we speak to someone, we understand what we mean to say; yet so often we don’t convey to the other person precisely what we intended. This is because the richness of our thoughts and experiences don’t get conveyed exactly in our words, and because as with most things, we have more than one simple view on the matter. So many of our conversations and discussions with others occur without any conscious thought. In fact most of our communication happens without us ‘thinking’ about it. This is why so much of our communication fails. Yet the research also suggests that 85 per cent of us believe we are excellent communicators! This book aims to encourage us to really think about our communication, to learn the evolutionary patterns and apply them consciously in our conversations at work and at home. The book includes selected tests to measure your communication and influence skills. Keep a journal and record your responses and answers to the exercises for future reference. Once you have completed these, you will have a unique and detailed profile of your style of influence — your own leadership map. This book will make you a Master Communicator.

what is a definition of (good) communication? Communication is being understood. Being understood means being recognised. It means being successful. This book is written for people who want to be understood. You may be a worker who often feels overlooked or under-recognised. You may work on the shop floor in noisy and uncomfortable conditions, or you may be a manager in an air-conditioned office. You may be in a relationship and feel undervalued sometimes, or consider your point of view is often discounted. You might be a fairly effective communicator now and want to be even better. You may want to improve your communication a little more, or you may even be desperate about being understood. This book is for you. I expect that once you have read (and practised) the material in this book, you will be more successful at work and at home. I hope you will also get some recognition for who you are now and how hard you have tried. The book is based upon the extensive research undertaken by my company on influence skills. That work has led to the management tool called xiv be understood or be overlooked

the Influence Dimensions that you can learn simply by following this text. The book is laid out like this: Chapter 1. How not to be overlooked within four months — discusses the pressure on all of us to be understood and be effective. It describes the major understandings essential for success that underpin the evolutionary patterns that form the basis of all communication. Chapter 2. Understanding and communication — explores the basis of communication, where you are on the Master Communicator scale, and what to do about it. Chapter 3. The evolutionary patterns — outlines the framework of effective understanding used in the rest of the book. These seven patterns help us at all levels of our work (and our social life too). Chapter 4. Pattern 1: The speed trap — too fast or too slow? How we impede our understanding by travelling at the wrong speed. Chapter 5. Pattern 2: Stretching the point — the tendency for us to exaggerate or understate our message. Chapter 6. Pattern 3: The logic loop — how our thinking patterns shape our problem solving and presentation. Chapter 7. Pattern 4: Focus hocus-pocus — describes how we focus on tiny details or the big picture, but rarely both. Chapter 8. Pattern 5: The blaming game — do we operate from inside or outside ourselves when things go wrong? Chapter 9. Pattern 6: Simon says — do we take control or do we follow others? How does this improve our effectiveness? Chapter 10. Pattern 7: Seeing is believing — do we say what we see, or hear what we feel? How our perception influences our communication style and how it affects our understanding of others. Chapter 11. Comprehensive understanding — recognition, influence and your leadership style. Good reading and good understanding!

introduction xv

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part one Is it genetic, chemical or psychological? Predetermined or a matter of free will? Where does it come from, this thing called communication? This section sets the scene and also challenges our complacency about communication. The nature of communication around the world reveals we all have remarkably similar patterns in our ways of conversing and attempting to be understood. These patterns are identified in different ways by different observers but they are nonetheless quite evident. Good communication is a complex and high-order skill.

chapter 1

how not to be overlooked within four months What truly matters in our lives is measured through conversation. Peter Block Stewardship Eighty per cent of the people who fail at work do so for one reason: they do not relate well to other people. Robert Bolton People Skills Words are merely for communication. Confucius

THE PRESSURE TO BE UNDERSTOOD Jobs are changing—unpredictably yet regularly and continuously. Your job is not the same as it was four months ago. Jobshift — a significant shift in the nature of the expectations, scope, duties and tasks of a job, or a shift to a completely different job — is increasingly common with significant numbers of experienced managers in America, Singapore, Australia, Malaysia, and Europe reporting jobshift as frequently as four-monthly. Roles and reporting relationships are changed. Responsibilities and accountabilities are shifted. Familiar patterns are disrupted. Such jobshift changes are not initiated by the incumbent but are required by senior management. They are a result of rapidly changing global conditions, customer demands, and poor management practises. Many of these changes are driven by IT developments, but overwhelmingly they occur because of the need for organisations to respond rapidly and flexibly to their customers. These pressures result in restructures, amalgamation, mergers, takeovers and receiverships. You could be outsourced, outplaced, outmoded or overlooked within the next four months. Jobs are changing and so too are the rules we use to guide our actions. Measured pace and predictability are gone — forever. To survive now (yes, to survive, let alone succeed) you need to adopt and adapt to a new way of being understood. The new reality in the face of this pressure is better connection with people. Here’s why: more than ever before managers are being assessed not on their technical skills, but on their ability to connect effectively with others. Managing relationships managing emotions is crucial. The pressure is so great now, so breathless, that clear communication, and reliable understanding is at a premium. Without a solid foundation of trust the momentum of constant change escalates the dilemma. The evidence from organisations and researchers around the world is that good leadership and management skills are lacking — leadership is lamentable. Of course in different countries there are different attitudes and values about leadership. Different styles and approaches vary according to the cultural setting. Some organisations provide excellent leadership. They recognise their employees and minimise the effects of jobshift. Unfortunately these examples are very rare. The finance manager in an electronics plant in KL, the HR manager in a global bank in Hong Kong, the programming manager in a US computer company, an operations manager at a mining company in NSW Australia — all say the same kinds of things about their leaders; ‘I am not recognised for the good work that I do’, ‘My boss doesn’t understand’, ‘I am not encouraged to develop.’ Globally, the outcome of poor leadership is the same: lack of understanding. how not to be overlooked within four months 3

In a fundamental way we don’t treat people decently at work. We don’t treat our employees as well as we treat our friends. Because we don’t treat people decently we deny their humanity. It is very subtle and certainly not a major mistreatment but it is real nonetheless. This happens because at work we unconsciously stop treating people as humans. We act as if they do not have feelings. We pretend we don’t have feelings. We tend not to have social conversations about work. We treat employees as units of productivity, workers to do our bidding. People are seen as resources, even (or especially) when we call them human resources. We achieve this mild dehumanisation through the way we communicate. We speak at people not dialogue with them. We tell people what to do rather than discuss options. We give facts rather than show feelings. We consider our position is the only correct one and believe that somehow it is also clear to others. We really don’t value difference or diversity. We interact with people but don’t form relationships. Unsurprisingly when we treat people this way they do not feel empowered or motivated. When we deny the humanity of our employees, they have been wronged. Such unconscious and low-level mistreatment is the basis of workplace bullying and harassment not to mention workplace violence. This poor communication also causes people to contribute less, to be less committed and therefore less productive. When we overlook people it costs us money as well. One thing we know about managers is that they need to protect themselves. One thing we know about employees is that they need to be recognised. This makes for a non-trusting relationship; one with little foundation for understanding. This lack of understanding is the foundation of Industrial Relations legislation and activity in most countries. Workplace bargaining is really about being understood: it is about trying to settle differences; yet it encourages blaming and dishonesty. The workplace system tends to encourage protection of the managers and reinforces dishonest communication. And within this system are all the natural complexities and confused realities of human communication. How hard it is to be understood; how easy to be overlooked. Try this small activity. How good do you feel about your workplace? What about those people around you? How do they feel? How honest are you at work? With your closest workmate? With your boss? How much do you complain when you get home? Every day? Twice a week? Once a month? Make some notes about what this tells you about how important you feel you are at work. Now make a commitment to change the way you feel. Decide not to be overlooked. There is nothing worse than being overlooked. This is true at work and in 4 be understood or be overlooked

our personal lives. It is five times more negative than direct criticism. It is ten times more demoralising than positive acceptance. The bad feeling lasts and lasts. It eats away at our confidence. It makes you irrelevant. Misunderstandings not only waste time, they can often be dangerous and costly. For example the investigation into the NASA Mars mission lander crash found that the $2 billion craft was destroyed because management overlooked some important advice. Danger signals were communicated badly and were therefore ignored. Similar findings arose out of the Langford gas refinery explosion enquiry in Victoria, Australia. Being overlooked occurs when we are not understood. Not being understood is uncomfortable for everyone and people want to avoid misunderstandings like they want to avoid a computer virus. We need to really understand others, in depth, genuinely. Understanding is connection and influence. Understanding is basic human psychology, reading the micro cues of others and responding to them appropriately. It means bringing the reality of the relationship back into work. This requires knowing oneself and others really well. This book is all about such understanding — understanding oneself and others. Real understanding is needed in order to achieve effective outcomes in this hectic ever-shifting organisational world. There is often talk of people being valued resources, of empowerment and empathy, but it has mostly been discussed at a superficial level. Real understanding is quite rare. Communication is still identified as the biggest single problem in most workplaces. Lost time at work due to misunderstanding is still far too high. Is communication an issue in your workplace? How do you know? What are the major causes? This book will help you with some ideas about how to improve the communication culture. The capacity to really connect is quite easily learned. The concentrated use of the communication and connecting techniques in this book will help you go deeper and more successfully into the power of real understanding. Following this guide will ensure that you are truly understood and certainly not overlooked. Despite the general atmosphere of superficiality about communication there are many good examples of the importance of this capacity to understand and be understood: an airline steward keeps customers entertained with amusing antics as he does the normal boring safety demonstration; a scientist in a large environmental agency takes time to learn and listen to community representatives before going into his speech; a waiter handles a group of noisy inebriated businessmen by being brassy and matey, while simultaneously being quiet and professional with a lone woman guest; a how not to be overlooked within four months 5

team leader in a car plant acknowledges the extent to which a team member cares about the plant whilst the worker is yelling about the poor conditions. These are a few simple examples of genuine understanding. It is the understanding that moves the situation forward. The connection that minimises time wasting. Clear communication rapidly solves human problems in the workplace, and doesn’t make them worse. It is trusting communication. Openness and honesty are the basic elements of trust. Trust is the cornerstone of effective relationships, especially in leadership and management. Unfortunately even when people are being open the meaning is not always understood. Being honest is only effective if the message is understood clearly. These micro details of communication are the essential elements of understanding. In the Introduction we defined communication as understanding. So what then is understanding? The Macquarie Dictionary defines understanding as ‘a mutual comprehension of each other’s meaning and thoughts, and a state of good or friendly relations between persons.’ So understanding involves meaning in relationships. In this book understanding is defined as ‘Using verbal and non-verbal communication to convey meaning, in a way that is matched to the other person’s view of the world.’ Overlook is defined as ‘to fail to notice, perceive, or consider.’ The aim of understanding is to ensure people feel noticed, considered and included. First, let’s look at understanding in a general way.

FOUR LEVELS OF UNDERSTANDING There are four levels or stages of understanding we go through as we develop and improve our connection skills: 1. Superficial understanding — contact 2. Misunderstanding — interaction 3. Imparted understanding — engaging 4. Interactive understanding — relationship building

1. contact In this first stage we only half-listen and minimally connect. We aren’t demonstrating real interest or genuine involvement. In presenting we are only making a token effort, speaking at the person rather than directly with them. At this level we have only about a 10 per cent level of understanding. 6 be understood or be overlooked

For example: ‘Hi, how are you?’ ‘Fine thanks. Feeling a little sore in my arm though.’ ‘OK. Swell. See you later then.’ Consider your situation: how often do you make contact communication?

2. interaction At this stage we are trying to listen and wanting to connect. However we are not really competent at listening and hearing meaning and nuance. Much is taken for granted and assumed. When presenting we are genuine but careless. We talk in a focused way yet without real personal connection. We don’t check understanding or interpretation. We often misunderstand and don’t even know it. At this level we reach around a 20 per cent understanding rate. For example: ‘Hi, how are you?’ ‘Fine thanks. Feeling a little sore in my arm though.’ ‘Oh, that’s no good. Will it affect you completing your paper for the next meeting? No? Good. Hope it’s better soon. See ya.’ Consider your situation: how much time do you estimate you spend in interaction?

3. engaging Real connection has occurred at this stage. We absorb the message and much of its meaning. Our observing is still a little self conscious and uncomfortable but we are tuning in. The message is not fully owned. As the speaker our message is conveyed carefully and matched with the person with whom we are speaking. We have integrated the elements of their worldview but have not presented the meaning uniquely for them. This represents a 50 per cent understanding level. For example: ‘Hi, how are you?’ ‘Fine thanks. Feeling a little sore in my arm though.’ ‘Oh, that’s no good. What’s wrong?’ ‘It’s sore from minor surgery for a skin cancer. Should be OK in a week.’ ‘Glad to hear it’s going to be all right. Hey, you have that paper due for the next meeting. Let me take it back and I’ll complete it for you.’ ‘Er, well I’d rather…’ ‘No sweat, be pleased to do it. See ya.’ how not to be overlooked within four months 7

Consider your situation: How often do you engage with people?

4. relationship building The final stage is maximum listening and comprehension. We listen with curiosity, absorb nuances, garner meaning, and take ownership of the message and its intended outcomes. Listening is an interactive process. When imparting the message it is conveyed with consideration, matched carefully to the worldview and non-verbal cues of the recipient, and fully owned. The other party is enjoined to actively participate in the creation of the final content. At this stage we achieve an understanding level of about 90 per cent. For example: ‘Hi, how are you?’ ‘Fine thanks. Feeling a little sore in my arm though.’ ‘Oh, that’s no good. What’s wrong?’ ‘It’s sore from minor surgery for a skin cancer. Should be OK in a week.’ ‘Glad to hear it’s going to be all right. It can scare you all the same.’ ‘Yeah it sure can. Makes you careful about check ups.’ ‘Is there anything I can do then to help if this is slowing you down a bit?’ ‘Thanks but I think everything’s in hand.’ ‘Fine. Hey, you have that paper due for the next meeting could I do anything to help with that?’ ‘Well, I want to do it but I could maybe use some typing assistance this week.’ ‘No worries, set up a time with Simon to take your dictation sometime this week. Take care of yourself. See you later.’ ‘Thanks. Will do. Bye.’ At the end of this book you will be building relationships like this. Several important results emerge from our examples presented above. Interactive understanding takes longer. It requires more effort. It also requires more interest in others and more empathy. However when you become proficient at relationship building you become more natural and it flows easier. Why bother? This investment pays off in significant ways. We really connect. We are much more influential. We get more of what we want. We are more successful. And most of all we have more fun. Given these four levels, what are our guiding principles for being understood and not overlooked? 8 be understood or be overlooked

PRINCIPLES OF UNDERSTANDING The four principles of understanding are: 1. We don’t respond to what others say, we respond to the way they say it. 2. Learning to see how others say things helps us hear properly. 3. Saying things the way someone else expects to hear it helps us to be understood. 4. Being understood is essential for success.

1. we don’t respond to what others say, we respond to the way they say it The saying is ‘A picture is worth a 1000 words.’ Well that’s also very true for the right look or expression or gesture. In order to be understood and to have people respond appropriately we need to say our words in the most effective way. When we are listening to others we tend to discount or overlook people whose words aren’t backed up with the appropriate and noticeable presentation. They are ignored. People can say the wrong thing but they are quickly forgiven if the words are well said and potently expressed. A person uttering good or important news that is badly expressed tends not to be heard. They are overlooked.

2. learning to see how others say things helps us hear properly Being understood also requires that we understand others. Accepting that others have their own distinct ways of expression, and ways of conveying their meaning, enables us to be more curious about precisely how they communicate. We all understand things differently. Often, exactly the same things have different meanings for each of us — sometimes incredibly different meanings. Think of the last time you went to a movie with a group of people. As you were discussing the film afterwards, what were the comments like? It is for sure they were not all identical. There would be many different feelings and reactions to the same movie, even if you all shared very similar tastes and interests. Therefore it’s important to make no assumptions and attempt to see how the other person views the matter. Our understanding improves dramatically when we recognise the different view and show we relate to it in some way. Being curious about what they are saying and what they really mean helps us to hear well.

3. saying things the way someone else expects to hear it helps us to be understood Given that communication and understanding is complicated (poor communication is the most common complaint in our organisations) then we need to how not to be overlooked within four months 9

work harder at making it effective. An obvious focus is the person to whom we are talking. Knowing some things about them, a little of their beliefs and values, interests and attitudes, helps us to express our words in ways which are more likely to ‘fit in’ with their way of seeing things. We all know what it feels like when we hear what we expect to hear: it is comfortable and agreeable. We understand. We also know what it feels like when we hear something that doesn’t fit: we feel uncomfortable and a little reactive. We don’t understand.

4. being understood is essential for success The person who is understood gets ahead. They are popular in social situations. They have successful personal relationships. They are more successful in selection interviews, they get promoted faster, and they have more influence and more power. Those who are understood by a wide range of people are great leaders. Being understood leads to comfort and satisfaction for all those involved. The person who is often misunderstood has more trouble getting on. They have to explain themselves several times, they and those around them become exasperated. People feel uncomfortable. We all tend to avoid the source of our discomfort. That person becomes overlooked. With these principles as our guide where do we start on the process of improving our understanding?

SIX TIPS FOR BETTER UNDERSTANDING These tips capture the essence of understanding, the mindset or attitude that is the foundation of all understanding behaviour. Getting the techniques right will not achieve good results on its own. The right frame of mind, the conscious, focused attitude, is also essential. It is crucial to be genuine. The six tips are: 1. Positive feelings help focus our understanding. 2. Negative feelings confuse our understanding. 3. Accept that we don’t always say what we mean, and we don’t always mean what we say. 4. The more important something is to you, the less you will be understood. 5. What you expect is what you tend to get. 6. When you treat the other person (no matter who they are) as your most important friend, understanding flourishes.

10 be understood or be overlooked

So what do these tips really mean and how can they help?

1. positive feelings help focus our understanding When we feel positive or good about ourselves and the other person, there is more energy and focus on what we’re saying, what we are seeing. The meaning of the message is more concentrated. There is little distraction from our message. The interference or background noise is minimal. We are fully open to what we are saying or what is being said. It is clever then to plan things so as to maximise the likelihood of positives. When you can, try to chose the right time for that important meeting. If you are not a morning person, avoid important stuff early in the day. Consider the setting and all those little things that can rain on your parade.

2. negative feelings confuse our understanding If we are feeling negative about ourselves or the other person, it can have a big impact upon our understanding. Negativity is conveyed even if we don’t intend to show it. The advice ‘Don’t make big decisions when you are down’, is based upon this. Also, if we are really upset with the other person it colours our view and directly affects our connection with them no matter how well we think we can hide or control it. Work out the negative feelings before you connect. Consider whether you can delegate the job to someone who doesn’t feel that strongly. Look for some positives in the person even if that may initially seem impossible. One manager really disliked his boss. He thought the boss was always complaining and never let up. Unsurprisingly he was getting nowhere in most of his discussions with his boss, even when he had great ideas! Finally he examined what he was doing and after extensive searching decided that even though he didn’t like his boss, at least he had to acknowledge that the boss was excellent at persevering! This one tiny positive enabled him to reduce his negative feelings, so that his discussions gradually started to improve.

3. accept that we don’t always say what we mean, and we don’t always mean what we say We know what it is like when we misspeak. Even more embarrassingly we know what it’s like when we accidentally say what we were really thinking rather than what we should have said. We also know how easy it is when we are impatient or upset to say something we do not mean. These behaviours of course add to confusion and decrease our understanding. If we get our overall attitude correct then these behaviours are more readily forgiven and will not intrude too much upon our understanding. Without that comprehensive attitude (which is the whole theme of this book) then these behaviours magnify the misunderstanding. how not to be overlooked within four months 11

4. the more important something is to you, the less you will be understood Our emotions and feelings are unconscious drivers in our understanding and decision-making (see Chapter 2). When something is very important to us (we’re angry about it or very excited about it) then we tend to get absorbed in our feelings rather than our presentation. We get precious about it. This then becomes our presentation and it is this that others respond to. When people respond only to our preciousness, their understanding is greatly diminished. The old advice about sleeping on it happens to be very good in these circumstances. It may even be better to have someone else present the matter rather than yourself in those cases where you can’t sufficiently distance yourself from your strong feelings.

5. what you expect is what you tend to get We can strongly influence other people (and be influenced by them) by our nonverbal presentation. In other words we tend to show what it is that we expect to find. This is discussed further at the end of this chapter. If we expect trouble we tend to elicit it. If we expect a pleasant encounter we show that. If we expect to be confused we often are. While this is not an absolute rule, it is very powerful nonetheless. If you doubt this, try an experiment. In some situation where everyone else is somewhat gloomy and where you have tended to be fairly low-key in the past, put on a happy face and be particularly gushing and enthusiastic for 15 minutes. Expect that others will also respond. Observe what happens.

6. when you treat the other person (no matter who they are) as your most important friend, understanding flourishes A secret ingredient in understanding is caring. If people believe you are interested in them, really interested in them, if they feel that they are important to you, they listen more carefully and respond more in tune with you. When you treat everyone as your most important friend and give them that amount of energy and attention, you also automatically pay more attention to them and connect more strongly with them. Importance equals caring. This is an essential aspect of understanding. Like the previous item, this attention and importance is recyclable. It always increases understanding. Let us now turn to the next level of developing our skills in understanding: the six areas of large-scale understanding.

12 be understood or be overlooked

SIX CRUCIAL MACRO UNDERSTANDINGS There are six areas of understanding needed for excellence in management and human relationships. Whenever you discount these understandings you are diminished a little. The more you ignore or compromise them, the more unconnected you become. Without them, you are about to be overlooked. 1. Understand yourself 2. Understand others 3. Understand your role 4. Understand the system 5. Understand your knowledge 6. Understand your direction

1. understand yourself This is the foundation of effective understanding. Without knowing yourself you know nothing. We all have our public self and our private self. It is the second of these that determines the success of the first. This is worth repeating: knowing your private self determines the success of your public self. Are you the sigh, frown, slumpdown type, or the inhale, smile, lookup type? How do you appear to others? Do you even know? In those casual office encounters or the quick phone conversation with a client, how do you respond to the throwaway enquiry ‘How are you today?’ Is your reply ‘OK I suppose (sigh, slump, stress)’ or ‘Not too bad’ (hopeful, but really just keeping your head above water), or ‘Just great!’ (I like where I’m going and I’m going to get there). Without awareness you may be conveying a message that impedes understanding rather than enhances it. There are six ways in which we can filter out our understanding of ourself and therefore reduce our personal and professional success. They are success filters.

six success filters These act as filters screening out clarity and minimising effective understanding of ourselves.

1. low self-confidence When we are feeling low and not very confident, it has a direct impact upon our capacity to be understood. With those depressed or feeling-down times, see if you can avoid or delay any important or significant conversations, meetings or encounters. If you are low on self-confidence a lot of the time then engage in some counselling to get it resolved or reduced. Low selfconfidence is an obvious but commonly overlooked success filter. It is important how not to be overlooked within four months 13

to attack it. It can be so self-fulfilling. For example low confidence causes hesitancy, which results in being overlooked, which of course lowers self-confidence even more. A lot of confidence is bluff. Start bluffing and the new cycle of confidence building begins.

2. poor observation By not being curious nor watching the other person closely we miss heaps of valuable information. The curiosity and the observation go together. Not only does your power of observation show concentrated interest, it also shows you an inside view of the meaning and intensity attached to other people’s words. It demonstrates that you are understanding them, which creates a positive reinforcing communication loop. Here’s an observing exercise for you. Draw a picture of your watch. DON’T LOOK AT IT. Just draw it from memory. You see it maybe eighty times a day so you should be very familiar with it. Well how did you go? Fascinating that you left out some things and put others in. That’s what you do when you communicate with others around you — especially those you work closely with. You subtract important things and you add in things that aren’t even there, every time you talk. In future watch more closely, more carefully.

3. not listening This is probably the best way to be misunderstood and overlooked. It shows lack of interest or boredom, or even worse, possible hostility and rejection. Not listening is easier when you also are not observing. Common techniques for not listening include, interrupting, rehearsing what you want to say while the other person is speaking, and daydreaming. Active listening is an effort, one that really pays off.

4. not checking out This is a very common omission that compounds many of our misunderstandings. So often we think we have shared understanding only to watch this solid idea turn to dust when we are reviewing supposedly agreed actions. Checking out is summarising your understanding of the conversation and its outcomes. At the end of any interaction it is good to clarify expectations and actions. For example, ‘So let’s see if I have got this right. We agree on the first two points, but you want me to change the third point so that it is less ambiguous.’ Or, ‘So you want this completed by next Thursday?’ Or ‘We are agreed then, we will increase our marketing push in Malaysia.’

14 be understood or be overlooked

5. not matching By not matching, we mean displaying body language that contradicts the message you are giving, or showing body language that disrupts the message you are receiving, for example, by smiling when you say, ‘I am really troubled you did that.’ Another example is yawning when someone is telling you something earnestly. Each of these examples illustrates how understanding is reduced by not matching. Matching your own message requires a close connection between the words, expression and tone you use to say it. Matching of the other person involves close observation and subtle copying of their expressions, gestures and mannerisms. Most of us actually engage in this practice quite unconsciously when we communicate. Effective matching helps put you in the mind of the other person and as such it increases understanding and empathy. Daniel Goleman has written several books about emotional intelligence that discuss empathy and effective management. At the core of emotional intelligence is matching. We will discuss this aspect in more detail in the next chapter.

6. being dishonest Clever lying of course can be very successful at achieving the appearance of understanding — in the short term. But once discovered, there can be no trust and reliability thereafter. All effective understanding is based upon trust, openness and honesty. Understanding is part of an interactive relationship. Understanding is built through the process of the relationship itself. So any relationship (at work, socially, or with our families) requires genuineness and honesty to function. This is part of building understanding and trust. Being open while being honest generates real connection. And it pays off. Individuals who are open and honest achieve much more than their more cynical colleagues. We use politics (both office and social) as our excuse for dishonesty. We even call it being tactful or sensible rather than by its true name. Certainly we need to protect ourselves from the few very bad people who exist, so watch your timing, and be wise about what you say, but be honest if you want to be understood. Our personal values are our own habits of the self. They go to make a true picture of our private (and therefore public) self. The following exercise will help make the connection between these values and your current practice. As with all the exercises in this book, use it to increase your knowledge of yourself. If it feels uncomfortable sometimes that is OK. If you really don’t like an activity then don’t do it. All the activities have a positive and supportive intent. They are designed to help you develop your abilities. If for any reason you begin to feel bad then stop the exercise. how not to be overlooked within four months 15

my management themes This activity will help you develop a connection between your personal values and your current management and friendship style. It will identify the strength and nature of some of your management values and personal values.

step 1 This is a reflecting activity that takes you way back to when you were quite a young person, maybe around the age of 10 or 12 years. Read this whole step first then do the reflection. Think back to a film, story or play that was really memorable and affected you when you were a child. Allow three minutes or so. What was the nature of this story? What was the theme and story line? Who did you identify with? What were the most significant attributes of this main character? Now bring yourself forward. Feel yourself growing up again and become aware of the room and the here and now. Make some notes of your answers to the above questions.

step 2 Consider an activity, film, story or play that was most memorable for you in the last six months. Take five minutes or so. What was the nature of this story? What was the theme and story line? Who did you identify with? What were the most significant attributes of this main character? Make some notes of your answers to these questions.

step 3 Read your notes for steps one and two. What do you notice about the two stories, their characters and the values of the characters? What values seem to have persevered, and what seem to have changed? What does this suggest about you? How like you are the characters you identified with? How are they different? What stands out for you? Make some notes about these discoveries.

step 4 Now reflect on yourself as a manager or employee in your organisation. Think carefully about your approach and values. What connections and influence can you see in the stories in relationship to your present style? What is consistent? What is contradictory? What does it suggest that you should appreciate about your present style? What does it suggest about your leadership behaviour you may consider changing? 16 be understood or be overlooked

Alternatively you may consider what this exercise reveals about your values and behaviours with your family and friends. Carlos, a product manager with an international pharmaceutical company was cynical about this activity when he first commenced the reflection. Nonetheless he continued with it and in the debriefing he identified (with some slight embarrassment) that the early story he recalled was ‘Tootles the Train.’ He identified with Tootles because the train persevered through thick and thin — no matter what — and stuck to the straight and true. His recent memory turned out to be the film Erin Brockovich starring Julia Roberts. In this case he admired her resourcefulness and creativity in pursuing something to the very end. In identifying his current management style Carlos laughed and said, ‘I guess you could say I’ve been consistently arguing with people about this new product because I’m not satisfied with the way we are promoting it. There it is: through thick and thin, I’ve been resourceful and persevering to do what I think is the right thing.’ These types of consistency connections are most common in this activity. Sometimes also a person will show a disjunction between their early story and the recent one. One woman recalled the Snow White story as a child, but selected Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex as a recent book that had affected her. She described how she was determined to be more clear about her needs these days rather than taking care of other people before herself. She had changed jobs five years ago, which reflected this transition from a Snow White-type manager to a more self-confident and determined one.

2. understand others Every person is really delightfully unique — sometimes frustratingly unique! We need to understand each person and their differences in order to be successful. It is a fundamental recommendation of this book that the most effective understanding occurs when we design and adjust our communication precisely for each person with whom we connect. In order to do that we need to understand ourselves (which we discussed above), and secondly we need to understand the other person as much as possible. We need to know them. We need to know some of their values and attitudes and something about the context in which they are initiating the conversation with us. Understanding others depends upon: • who is conversing: is it a boss, colleague, team member, spouse, partner, friend or client? What do they believe in? What are they critical about? What are some of their positives and negatives? What are their abilities and passions? Do they see you as an equal or do how not to be overlooked within four months 17

•

• •

•

•

they feel superior? What is your relationship with them? How do they see their role and purpose? how they are conversing: what feelings are they expressing? What body language, facial expressions and voice tone are they using? What are your internal reactions? Are they intense or laid back? Are they gesturing a lot? when they are conversing: morning, afternoon or evening? Is the conversation planned or spontaneous? where they are conversing: is it in the corridor, at a planned meeting, before a crucial meeting, at the pub, at home, in the garden, in the kitchen? why they are conversing: are you aware of the content and purpose? Is the meaning and direction of the conversation clear or unclear? Is it important or superficial? what they are discussing: is the content expected? Is it a matter you know something about?

observing and listening Communication Mastery starts with good listening, yet few of us listen very well. We listen to what we want to hear. Often we rehearse what we are about to say without really listening to what the other person is saying. Without careful observing there can be no effective listening. Close observation and genuine curiosity really help us to listen better. You know you are blocking understanding if you notice you are listening to another person and you are saying ‘no’ in your head, gritting your teeth and becoming irritated. Either they are saying absolute rubbish or else you are closing your mind and ceasing understanding. Either way, you are not being respectful and you are missing an opportunity to truly understand.

communication quiz How well do you listen? Be honest! SCORE KEY 1 NONE OF THE TIME

2 SOME OF THE TIME

3 A LOT OF THE TIME

4 ALL THE TIME.

WHEN I TALK WITH PEOPLE:

■ ■ ■

I WATCH THEM CLOSELY I LISTEN TO WHAT THEY MEAN AS WELL AS WHAT THEY SAY I MAKE EYE CONTACT

18 be understood or be overlooked

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS I NOTICE THEIR GESTURES AND BODY LANGUAGE I NOTICE THEIR VOICE TONE I AM CURIOUS ABOUT THEIR METHOD OF PRESENTATION I OBSERVE ANY MANNERISMS

TOTAL

■

Score: 25 to 32. Good observing! Use this chapter to add to your skills even more. Score: 15 to 25. You have some of the elements right but need to use this chapter to develop those skills even more. Score: 8 to 15. Hmmmm. You don’t listen very well. Read this section carefully and use the practice sessions as much as you can.

listening practice Really look at the person who is speaking to you. Be curious about their expressions and the way they are speaking. Listen for changes in their voice tone and pitch. Notice the way their eyes move. What is the flavour of their words? What response do you feel they want from you?

3. understand your role This next area of understanding is a major source of confusion and failure. Knowing yourself and knowing others are powerful foundations for effective communication. They are not sufficient however if you don’t understand your position (in terms of both your work role and your social role) in relationship to other people. Your role defines other people’s expectations of you. We all have several roles that we perform, sometimes simultaneously and sometimes without a clear distinction about which role we are operating from. For example I have several roles: I am a father, a husband, partner of McPhee Andrewartha, author, friend, colleague, business adviser, client, boss, citizen, and so on. In order to maximise understanding I need to thoroughly understand the nature of each of these roles and the expectations that others might have of me in these roles. At home you might be a wife (or husband), partner, friend, supporter, lover, parent, shoulder to cry on, and many more. Understanding clearly what role you are in and expected to be in at any given time is crucial to effectively understanding others and being understood. Role confusion or switching roles without notice is the biggest contributor to domestic conflict next to incompatibility. how not to be overlooked within four months 19

At work you might be a manager, a receptionist, an engineer, an accountant, a word processor, a salesperson, a plumber, a courier or whatever. How is your role defined? What do you really do? How does this job (your role) actually contribute to the organisation? What’s the relationship of your job to other people’s jobs in the organisation? What does your job seem like from their perspective? Who do you connect with the most? Who do you connect with the least? Do you know? This again has some considerable impact upon how well you are understood and how well you understand others. You could make a map of these interactions: on a clean page, place your name in the centre (isn’t that nice?). Now write in the names of all the other people in roles with whom you are supposed to interact. Over the course of one month draw a line between you and each person as you interact with them. So for example at the end of the month you may find that you have interacted with your boss 50 times (that is 50 lines between you). There may be 10 lines between you and the sales manager, and so on. Whatever the result have a look at it closely. Are there any surprises? Are there more interactions with some people than you would have expected? Are there far fewer interactions with some people than there should be? Why has this happened? What are you going to do about it? Confusing or conflicting role expectations are major contributors to workplace conflict. It is important therefore to spend some time to know your job and more importantly its relationship and hooks to other people within the system.

4. understand the system This fourth area of understanding is about culture, values and politics. In families it concerns the nature of the family system that has arisen through the interaction of the family members over time. How does the constellation of people engage in different situations? Who takes charge most often? How do people handle a crisis? What patterns always occur when things are bad? Or when things need to be ended? When the family celebrates? How does the family system handle birthdays, anniversaries, partings and changes? The more awareness of the system, the better able you are to be understood and understand. At work this area concerns the organisational culture and the organisational systems that support that culture. Organisations have their own unique culture just as do different countries. It is just as important to understand their culture as it is to know the customs of a new country. How do things work in our organisation? What things do we notice? What do we ignore? How do things get solved? Shelved? Sacrificed? What 20 be understood or be overlooked

are good things to talk about and what are taboo topics? Who’s on the way up? Who’s on the way down? All these matters are important in terms of maximising our understanding. All of our communication needs to match the culture in which we communicate if we’re going to maximise our success. Even good ideas fail if presented in a way that clashes with the culture. Poor ideas which are nonetheless well matched with the culture often succeed. That’s why some real idiots seem to get ahead! At another level, the extent to which our own personal culture and values fit with our organisational culture is another way of considering our understanding potential. Simply put, a good fit means high understanding. So if your fit and comfort with your organisation is not as good as it could be, then you either need to engage in some practises to improve and change your own culture and values so that you will fit better, or else you need to start looking for an organisation that offers a better match. There are some different aspects of organisational culture and style that may assist you in this evaluation. Gareth Morgan, in his book Images of Organisation, discusses the types of organisations that provide a good framework of the culture. There is the industrial type where the organisation operates like a machine. There are specific and clearly divided functions, it is fairly hierarchical and bureaucratic. It tends to encourage scientific management practices and treat employees as units. A completely different type of organisation is the natural or responsive one where the organisation is like an organism. It is focused on joining people, business and information technology and it is supposed to be organic and flexible. The third type is the organisation that develops and increases its knowledge, known as the learning organisation. The focus here is on distributing intelligence and knowledge throughout the enterprise and how the organisation as a whole can increase its learning capacity to better provide service to its clients. There is networked intelligence, just-in-time manufacturing, the use of the Internet and the sharing of knowledge and skills by the knowledge workers inside the organisation. It tends to rebuild itself. It is based upon chaos theory and growth and change. Next is the organisation based around the social nature of the community or the cultural organisation. The focus here is on developing and forming communities within the organisation. The type of culture and the values and the meaning of the organisation are paramount throughout its employees. Social norms and customs are strongly emphasised. There is an attempt to share meanings and values in the organisation. how not to be overlooked within four months 21

Finally there is the organisation that focuses on conflict and power or the organisation as a political system. In this organisation, influences of governance, power and rule become important. Power is important in this organisation and different levels of authority and control. It is about who gets what, when and how. Boundaries and networks are closely defined and the rules and practices are prescribed. Which one of these is your organisation most like? What are the factors that help you place it in that system? Now look at your own values and beliefs: Do you like things when they are clearly defined and controlled or are you happier with ambiguity? Do you like telling people what to do or sharing ideas with them? Do you tend to keep information and knowledge to yourself or are you keen to share it with others? Even those who compete with you? Do you think work is a place of socialisation or is that only for after work? Compare the fit. How well do your values fit in with those of your organisation? What does this understanding mean to you? What will you do about it? Make some notes about the fit and what you intend to do about improving the match. Understanding systems means that we tend to look for key patterns that are shaping events in our organisational life. It helps us develop a sense of the ebb and flow, rather than looking for cause and effect. We look for insights that come out of considering the process. It enables us to consider that small things can create big effects in a different part of the organisation at a different time. That is, problems aren’t necessarily caused directly, obviously and immediately in the same department or area of the system. It helps if we look at loops or cycles rather than a single cause and effect because everything cycles back on itself. Are there other cycles that flow out of the main cycles? If we intervene at a certain point what are the possible consequences of that intervention? It helps us remember that passing on a problem manager to another department or area, passing on a client problem to another area still leaves the problem and the issue within the system and doesn’t actually solve the problem. It reminds us that if the problem stays inside our organisation we still own the problem. These are ways in which we can improve our understanding.

5. understand your knowledge What we know maps the contours of our understanding. It shapes the height of our connections and clarity and the limits of our capacity to be under22 be understood or be overlooked

stood. Learning is understanding. And to learn and be knowledgeable we also need to be willing to unlearn, to change some of our old learning habits that impede our knowledge and wisdom. We do not learn how to do something by doing it correctly. We learn by discovery, making mistakes and keeping our mind open to new ideas and new ways of seeing the same things. The less we know and learn, the less we understand and are understood. There are several kinds of knowledge: formal and explicit knowledge; informal and tacit knowledge. The latter shapes our understanding more powerfully than the former. The more we know and share our implicit knowledge, the better we are likely to understand others and be understood by them. Improve your understanding by really knowing what it is that you know formally. Be aware of your training and what, because of the training, you assume others understand when perhaps they don’t. That is be aware of your particular brand of jargon. With your implicit knowledge or tacit knowledge (those things you know without formal training), allow yourself to become more aware of this hidden reservoir of skill and learning. How can you use this more effectively? How can you share it more effectively? It is interesting to note that a lot of the work by learning theorists like Peter Senge and others strongly indicates that when more knowledge is shared there is a corresponding increase in understanding and professional effectiveness — in short, successful organisational understanding results.

6. understand your direction This final area of understanding relates to where you are going in your career or in your life more generally. The more clearly you know who you are and where you are going, the more clearly you are understood. This doesn’t necessarily mean having great soaring ambition; it simply means having a direction. It means knowing what that direction is and where you are on the path along it. It means being comfortable with your direction and where you are on the path. People who have no direction, don’t like the path, or don’t like the gap between where they are and where they think they are going, are hard to understand. Because they are not clear about where they are going, they aren’t clear in what they’re saying. They might be very clear when they’re complaining, but that rarely improves understanding and success. At this level we’re talking about life planning: how does your social, family, and professional life fit together? Is the balance right? Are you feeling in control of your direction? Are you taking responsibility for where you are now and where you’re going? Recent research indicates managers who are in transition between jobs, how not to be overlooked within four months 23

who accept they have no job and that it is their skills and abilities which will help them secure a new job, are much more successful than their peers who do not come to terms with their poor circumstances and blame other people for the situations they find themselves in. That is, those who take responsibility for moving on are ten times more successful than those who dwell on their misfortune. They take the responsibility to ensure they are understood. Your direction can also be internal to your organisation. Where are you going inside your organisation? What is your promotion pathway? What are you doing to achieve this goal? It can also be external in terms of where you are going for your next job and how you’re positioning yourself to achieve that. This area of understanding involves positioning and matching yourself to the organisation in which you work, or, given how mobile we need to be in our careers, helping match and position yourself for the organisation where you will move next. Here are some real-life examples of knowing and not knowing your direction. My father owned a Serv-Well store (a small franchised grocery store) for many years and was doing quite successfully. In the late 1950s he saw supermarkets coming and understood the impact they would have on stores such as his. Reluctantly but wisely he made a decision to sell out — at a good price, five years or so ahead of many of his friends and colleagues. He understood and was successful. A group of scientists in a Californian laboratory working in a very specialised area had been so absorbed with their work that they had failed to lift their heads from their microscopes and observe what was happening in the wider job market around them. Had they done so they would have quickly ascertained that their area of specialty had become a backwater. The work they prided themselves on had become obsolete. None of them realised this until their laboratory was merged with another organisation and they discovered there was no future for them. Many were too old or too focused to make a speedy and successful transition to a new area of specialisation. They were overlooked and made redundant. The bottom line is you should know your direction in order to maximise understanding. These six areas form the bedrock of our capacity to understand and be understood. Reviewing them regularly will help keep you balanced and prepared for the practical daily techniques we will be discussing in detail in the rest of this book. Another important aspect we will now consider before closing off this first chapter is the connection between understanding and expectation. What we overlook or understand is also shaped by our expectations. 24 be understood or be overlooked

EXPECTATION AND UNDERSTANDING What we expect has a powerful affect upon understanding. Expectation, understanding and success are closely linked. Expecting a bad outcome really does help to make it happen. Similarly, having a positive expectancy also helps generate really successful outcomes. Here’s why: this step-by-step study will help you develop and improve your own expectant attitude. Be careful — it works! The power of expectation in management is a vastly overlooked and under-utilised strategic technique. It is simple, perhaps too simple. It is often dismissed as and confused with ‘mere positive thinking’. Used as a planned strategy, the expectant attitude can improve understanding by up to 60 per cent. One significant writer about the expectant attitude was Milton Erickson. He wrote about its importance quite extensively and conducted experiments to prove its potency. The expectant attitude registers itself in very small non-verbal cues, which is clearly demonstrated in one of the experiments conducted by Erickson and described by Zeig. This exercise involved a group of twenty students who were placed into pairs in separate cubicles. Person A was told that a stranger would enter the room and hand them a twenty-five-cent piece. Person B was told they would be handed a dollar bill. In a separate room, the stranger was handed ten twenty-five-cent pieces and ten dollar bills. He was instructed to enter the cubicles and, without speaking, approach the two people and give one person a twenty-five-cent piece and the other person a dollar and then to leave the room. This was repeated with each of the ten pairs of students and the experiment was conducted many times over fifteen years. The results were always the same: in about eighty per cent of the trials, person A got the quarter and person B got the dollar! Erickson’s experiments define the crucial role of the expectant attitude in management: your expectant attitude powerfully changes the atmosphere. A good manager should be utterly confident. You know you are going to accomplish your goal. It is this attitude towards your employees that helps you be understood and determines the results you achieve.

how to develop an expectant attitude The following seven steps have effectively helped managers develop an expectant attitude in themselves and their staff, and contribute greatly to effective understanding: 1. Plan several stages to achieve your goal. 2. Relate each step (or behaviour) whatever it is, to the goal. how not to be overlooked within four months 25

3. Define steps flexibly. 4. Define time flexibly. 5. Assume any doubts are due to lack of information. 6. Remember you don’t really know everything about your employees’

thoughts. 7. Be really curious about what is going on.

When these steps are incorporated, managers show the expectation in their faces and whole demeanour. They know what they expect to happen is going to happen. This sets the framework for potency as a manager and is the hallmark of an excellent leader. These steps can be illustrated by the following case study.

case study in expectancy 1. plan several stages to achieve your goal The goal determined by the manager is to have the employee effectively delegate work to his subordinates, rather than try to handle it all on his own. The manager may establish (for example) the following six stages: stage 1 Discuss the situation with the employee. stage 2 Identify tasks which can/should be delegated. stage 3 Discuss obstacles to such delegation. stage 4 Agree strategies to implement delegation. stage 5 Review the process in two weeks. stage 6 Congratulate employee on effective delegation of tasks. Even though these stages have been ‘created’ in a planning process by the manager, they assume their own reality very rapidly. As each stage occurs it becomes a bench mark which in turn confirms the process towards the expected goal. The expectation begins to confirm itself.

2. relate each step (or behaviour), whatever it is, to the goal Expectation is in the eyes of the beholder, and one’s frown may be another person’s concentrated thought. Whatever occurs is fitted into the expectant plan and utilised. Each employee therefore builds their own steps towards the goal.

3. define steps flexibly Staff are unique, and your Step three may occur before Step two in their way of thinking. That is fine. A step might be missed out altogether as the employee proceeds towards the expected goal. Flexible steps ensure the process is self-confirming. 26 be understood or be overlooked

4. define time flexibly Allow time for expectancy to succeed. Pharmaceutical treatments take time to take effect; so do subtle management strategies. Sometimes people need time to ‘resist’ before being ready. The process might take four months not two, but with the expectant attitude it does occur, rather than fails to occur. With enough time, most doubts become very elastic.

5. assume any doubts are due to lack of information Sometimes managers begin to doubt themselves when they don’t achieve their goals as quickly and in the precise way they first planned. These doubts have an impact upon the expectant attitude. This technique lets you assume that your plan is right on target, but you are merely lacking all the information at this time. Step 5 is an effective way of softening doubts. Natural doubts are utilised to further the expectant attitude.

6. remember you don’t really know everything about your employees’ thoughts Employees may look irritable or disinterested in relation to the planned goal. If a manager treats these reactions at face value the expectant process can easily be diminished. Step 6 allows the manager to be unsure about the real internal motivation of the employee. You can assume the process is working, despite any appearances to the contrary. What you really do not know cannot affect the expectancy.

7. be really curious about what is going on Curiosity allows the manager to become fascinated with the whole process and the outcome is assumed. It is taken for granted and is therefore more certain. Curiosity generates connection and automatically confirms expectation. This technique of expectation is more successful the more closely the employee is matched. (This is discussed in the very next chapter.) Leadership potency naturally follows when a manager defines the goals, defines the procedures to achieve these goals, confidently expects them to be achieved, and confirms the goal has been achieved. A most potent and elegant counselling example of this overall process comes from a 27-year-old quadriplegic. He was a handsome cowboy, injured in a fall from his horse. Twelve months later, his riding days permanently behind him, he was lost and suicidal. After two sessions of careful preparation, he was given a very simple and audacious homework assignment. It was expected he would complete it for he was eager to please. The therapist had worked with disabled people many times and therefore she how not to be overlooked within four months 27

expected he could complete it. It took him four weeks to do it. He was asked to type a letter explaining three things that were exciting about being in a wheelchair. This is what he wrote: ‘Well, after much thought and procrastination due to the heading of this exercise, I have finally come to the conclusion that what you had requested me to write about was too difficult to comprehend. What I have done is I have changed the title from “exciting” to what I thought would be more appropriate, that being “advantageous”. ‘There is unfortunately nothing exciting about being physically disabled. Nobody is out breaking their necks to become a cripple! The only thing that might be termed exciting is that I do find living in hope of one day becoming a low-level paraplegic quite interesting. I would like that. ‘Firstly, the advantages are…you are given priority at most locations where the public has access. I particularly enjoy going shopping in large shopping centres. In fact I look forward to the weekly or twice-weekly shopping trip. I enjoy having a nice car park right outside the entrance. Once inside the store, the surface is easy to push on and I like to get looks from people when they see me in a chair that doesn’t resemble that clinical, hospital type made from chromed steel and antiquated design. Also good is the assistance and care shown by organisers of sporting and/or other events with regard to parking and visibility. It is usually the best seat in the house. At odd occasions, some organisers have meant well with provisions made for the disabled, but without much thought for their requirements. ‘I have been able to find out without too much effort who my true friends really are. Luckily I have many. I have been pleasantly surprised to find out how popular I am amongst most people I meet. I don’t think I would have been able to ascertain that previously. Generally, most people are quite caring and kind. Even though it is difficult to accept, it is nice to have people offering to help so that things I do are easier for me. That is a definite advantage. ‘For a person with my level of disability, driving a motor vehicle and not taking it for granted is not an advantage but a privilege. I feel proud to have the ability to do so. It is a sign of freedom. I have found new freedom to express my deep feelings and beliefs with others where prior to my accident I would have found it quite difficult to do so. It is still not easy, but I find that it is not as hard to bring issues into the open, things I would have once kept bottled up inside me. ‘Finally after some discussion with my partner, I have found that I, along with a select few, have the opportunity to live two lives in one lifetime. How you may ask? I have lived part of my life as a person who is “normal”, i.e. walking. I have been there and done that as they say. I acknowledge that I 28 be understood or be overlooked

had not done everything that I had intended to do as a “normal” person, but I did do what others do without thinking. I enjoyed myself. Now I have the opportunity to start all over again and do a number of things in a different way without even thinking twice about it because I am in a wheelchair. I sit here and type letters to friends with typing pegs and aids because of the absence of finger flexion, but to me now that is perfectly “normal.” I do it without thinking. It is the same with a lot of other things I do during the course of the day. Did you think about how you made your last cup of coffee? Neither did I. I used to make it like you in my first life, but now I make it differently without thinking about it. To me, it is the “normal” way now. ‘In closing I hope that even though I deviated from what you set out for me to do, it is acceptable and satisfactory to your requirements. Having read this letter through I cannot find any exciting things listed clearly, however I may have touched on matters exciting without realising it. ‘I look forward to hearing from you soon and maybe an assessment of what has been written. Thank you.’ With his permission I can reveal that this is Richard Maurovic, who has established himself since the time of this story as one of Australia’s foremost artists. His expectant attitude ensured that having to strap the brushes to his hands because he had no muscle flexion in his fingers didn’t stop him in his quest to become an exciting, successful artist!

IN CONCLUSION The fundamental understandings we have discussed in this chapter lay the groundwork for the rest of the book. In our next chapter we look at the evolution of language and communication and the underlying patterns that we so take for granted.

how not to be overlooked within four months 29

chapter 2

understanding and communication

ARE YOU A MASTER COMMUNICATOR? Consider this: every statement you make is a statement about who you are — even the statements you make when you don’t think you are making a statement. Are you understood? Are you being taken seriously? Are you really noticed? What do your statements say about you? All of them, not just those where you rehearse and practise. Hugh Mackay has observed that not being taken seriously (i.e. being overlooked) is the biggest cause of unhappiness in our society. The most fundamental of all human needs is the need to be taken seriously. Everything else flows from that … There’s rarely a simple root cause of unhappiness but, somewhere in there, you’ll usually find a person who feels unappreciated or misunderstood … It’s no wonder good listeners are so highly prized. Awareness of your skill and style of communication is a major feature of understanding yourself and being understood by others. Communication (both verbal and nonverbal) is the foundation of understanding. Yet we so easily take it for granted. Communicating so that we are taken seriously is a very individual and complex skill. Such skill requires Communication Mastery. Let’s see if you are a Master Communicator. Answer the following questions: Be honest with yourself; this will give you a benchmark comparison when you reassess yourself at a future time. SCORE KEY 1 NONE OF THE TIME

2 SOME OF THE TIME

3 A LOT OF THE TIME

4 ALL THE TIME.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I WATCH PEOPLE CLOSELY WHEN I TALK WITH THEM. I PUT A LOT OF ENERGY INTO MY COMMUNICATION. I THINK ABOUT THE BEST WAY TO MAKE MYSELF UNDERSTOOD. I PAY ATTENTION TO THE SPEED OF THE PERSON’S COMMUNICATION. I GET A SENSE OF THE OTHER PERSON BEFORE RAISING MY PROPOSITION. I USE SOME OF THE WAY THEY SEE THE WORLD IN MY COMMUNICATION WITH THEM.

■ ■

I PLAN WHAT I WANT TO SAY BEFORE MY MEETING. I PLAN THE WAY I WANT TO PRESENT MY COMMUNICATION BEFORE THE MEETING.

■

I CONSCIOUSLY ADJUST MY PRESENTATION STYLE ACCORDING TO THE NATURE OF THE OTHER PERSON’S COMMUNICATION.

understanding and communication 31

■ ■ ■

I AM COMFORTABLE WITH SILENCE DURING MY DISCUSSIONS. I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF WHEN I AM TALKING WITH OTHERS. I ATTEMPT TO GIVE THE OTHER PERSON A SENSE OF THEIR WORTH WHEN I TALK TO THEM.

■ ■ ■

I AM CURIOUS ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON’S PRESENTATION. I AM PATIENT IN MY COMMUNICATION. LATER ON, I REFLECT BACK POSITIVELY ON MY COMMUNICATIONS.

TOTAL

■

If you scored 50 to 60 — congratulations! You are already a Master Communicator. Give this book to a less fortunate colleague. If you scored 40 to 50 — not too bad. You’ll find this book very helpful in improving your communication. If you scored 30 to 40 — your communication will really benefit from some practice and careful planning. If you scored 15 to 30 — whew! You really need this book and you have quite a bit of work to do.

WHY BE A MASTER COMMUNICATOR? Poor communication is the major problem identified by family and relationship therapists for couples and families. Incompatibility and abuse are more powerful contributors to family misery, but poor communication exacerbates these issues and ruins good relationships. Good communication is essential to social and family wellbeing. What’s the number one problem in your workplace? The most common answer you’ll hear, and the loudest, is communication. There is so much literature on poor communication and its negative impact on the workplace. Some of this research concerns just how little information managers provide their staff, such as a survey of 248 large UK companies with a total workforce of some 1.3 million workers. In this survey, conducted by Vista Communications, around half of the executives admitted that staff received too little information from management. The same survey reported that on average each worker wastes more than five hours per week because of poor communication. A recent Andersen survey indicates that poor communication is a negative factor in retrenchments. A University of Melbourne survey identified that better communication was the highest of 20 items people wished to see in their restructured organisation. The University of Iowa reports that poor 32 be understood or be overlooked

communication motivated 64 per cent of the requests from employees for counselling services. As a final example, communication was ranked in the top three Human Resource problems that organisations need to address in a survey by a UK executive network. In most of the climate surveys or employee attitude surveys conducted in a wide variety of organisations, poor communication is either the leading problem or is in the top three problems identified. Intuitively it’s what many employees identify as a major concern about their workplace. It is true of large companies spread over many sites, and it is the usual complaint in small family businesses. It is the biggest problem in the government sector as well as the private sector. It occurs in all kinds of industries and professions from mining to medicine, meat processing to economics, and from the retail industry to the service sector. It wastes vast amounts of our time and is a massive hidden cost that drains a country’s gross national product. It contributes to friction, occupational health and safety incidents, lowered morale, decreased productivity, and loss of employment. Communication problems are so well known now that the validity of the finding is often questioned. Many managers question the truth of the data itself. Another reason for this disbelief comes from the managers’ own perceptions of communication in the workplace. When you compare the employee results with perceptions of senior managers you find a contradiction. In a majority of surveys (the same ones where it was shown that employees think communication was quite poor), most senior managers think that communication is quite effective. In debriefing sessions and detailed discussions with these managers it is quite apparent that in most cases they certainly believe they have communicated extensively and adequately. When examined at a content level the evidence often seems to support this. So what is wrong? Why is there such a big gap between the employees’ view of communication and their managers’? The answer lies in the nature of the communication. The content of the message has been communicated, often quite clearly. But it is the way in which the message has been presented that causes the problem. The meaning is missing. The manner of saying something is the essence of the meaning of the message. It is not so much that people have a problem with the facts of the message; it is more, much more, that people find the meaning ambiguous. The meaning is confusing because the content has been presented so badly. Often the message is not only experienced as merely ambiguous but worse, may be experienced as deceitful, unfair, inconsiderate, thoughtless or unkind. For effective communication we need rich and understandable meaning. understanding and communication 33

There are two parts to this. First, we require the speaker to mean what they say, to think about what they’re saying, and to value the message themselves. Second, we need the recipient of the message to have the same shared understanding of the meaning being conveyed. And this is not easy. Some examples might illustrate this difference between the mere facts of the message and the more powerful nature of its delivery. The team leader on the assembly line of a large Detroit car manufacturer is irritated because his workgroup does not seem motivated to increase its productivity despite several motivation sessions to that end. The workgroup on the other hand didn’t feel motivated by the sessions, and in fact experienced them as threats to work harder or else their pay would be affected. A Chief Executive of a large Singaporean bank says in exasperation, ‘What do they mean, we didn’t discuss the organisational restructure with them? We emailed the report to every employee a month ago.’ The employees say the report was complicated and confusing, and it was insulting to receive it without any introduction or discussion, and it failed to address any of their real concerns about the restructure. The store manager of a Sydney retail outlet complains that its employees obviously haven’t listened to the repeated requests for improved customer service. The employees say they remember the request all right, but add it was conveyed every time by the manager yelling, during a team-building meeting held after hours, with no opportunity to discuss the details of the incident and alternative approaches. A Vice President of a Boston University is genuinely puzzled when staff of the administrative unit repeatedly fail to attend unit meetings on time, especially as there has been considerable discussion about this matter. The unit employees are shocked and surprised at the Vice President’s position. They heard the comment but didn’t take it seriously because it was delivered in such a casual and semi-humorous way. These examples hint at the differences between just saying something and saying it so people really hear it. Really understand it. Really believe it. The cost of misunderstanding is very high for our organisations. At a personal level the cost of poor communication is also dramatic. It leads to uncertainty, lowered self-esteem, stress and self-doubt. There is considerable evidence to suggest that bad communication is also stressful. It’s the biggest cause of conflict in the workplace; conflict which is not always immediately obvious. It is the leading symptom of poor managers and ineffective leaders. And it’s so easily corrected. You do not have to be charismatic to be a Communication Master. It doesn’t 34 be understood or be overlooked

require fantastic leadership skills. It doesn’t even come from having a great personality. Anyone can be a Communication Master. Genuinely, it is very simple. It does, however, require regular thought and practice. Later in this book you’ll find suggestions for continuous improvement, with practice exercises and review assessments.

what does good communication feel like? Can you recall meeting someone who, despite their own busy life, took the time and talked to you in such a way that you felt that your issue and existence had their undivided attention, respect and interest? They made you feel you were the centre of their attention. They showed that they really cared. Didn’t you feel special? Surely you felt you were taken seriously. Clearly you felt understood. That’s the impact that you will have when you are a Communication Master. A secret benefit or hidden advantage is the flow-on effect from a workplace that has a Communication Master: it spreads! Others catch the communication bug. There is much truth in the old adage ‘give to others as you would have them give to you.’ The better you communicate with your work colleagues, the more you demonstrate and model Mastery in communication behaviours, then the more other people are induced into similar behaviours. As this happens, inevitably, morale improves, understanding and creativity flourish, the workplace is more enjoyable, and almost as a byproduct, productivity increases. You feel better and more successful in direct proportion to how well you are understood. Improved communication skills directly increase influence skills. And effective influence means you get more of what you want. A Communication Master is a natural leader. This is just as true in our social and family life as well. It engenders respect and caring between partners, friends and families. It smooths over disagreements and forgives mistakes. It supports and aids development of trust. Good communication grows and spreads and influences everyone we meet.

HOW TO TURN COMMUNICATION INTO UNDERSTANDING: SIX QUESTIONS Before any significant conversation (or really any communication) ask yourself these six questions: What? Why? When? Where? Which? How? 1.What precisely do I want to say? What message do I want to convey? What is important and what is understanding and communication 35

irrelevant? What is needed to put the message in context? 2.Why do I want to say it? Why is it important? What outcomes do I want? What do I want to achieve? 3.When do I want to say it? Is this the best time? Why do I want to do it now? Is there a better time? Will the timing affect the intended outcome? 4.Where do I want to have the conversation? What location will best assist me in achieving my outcomes? Why there? Is there a better place? 5.Which person do I want to communicate with? Is this the best person to have this conversation with? Are they really likely to help me achieve my goal? What do I know about them? What do they know about me? 6. How do I want to convey the message? How will I present the content? How do I want to appear and sound? How can I best match with the person I’m conversing with? Jeffrey walked away from the lunchtime meeting with his boss, Sharon, feeling very pleased and relieved. He’d just got her permission for him to spend three months working on a special project about knowledge management. He had been unsuccessful last time he’d asked, and it was painful to even reflect about how badly that session had gone. This time he had put some real thought into it — done his homework as it were. He had some diagrams and research to support his proposition. This time he focused on Sharon alone rather than on Sharon and her boss; it was neater and gave her more room to move. This time he pushed the benefits to the firm; last time it appeared to his superiors that he was feather-nesting, just looking for some cushy project for himself. The timing and positioning were better too: pre-planned lunch away from the office with two hours booked out, with no distractions and staff interruptions. He paid attention to Sharon’s character and habits too. She always talked about her kids, so he took time at the beginning to enquire about them. She often leapt from topic to topic so he made each segment small and tightly presented. When Sharon moved somewhere else he went there too, rather than telling her he was coming to that part in a few minutes. The lunch place was her style too, and he remembered she liked looking at documents and drawings rather than talking about them. Yes, planned in this way it was a remarkable contrast to his previous attempt. So using the six questions as a quick guide will cause you to think about 36 be understood or be overlooked

your intended communication in a simple yet comprehensive way. It will help ensure your communication is understood and taken seriously. You might be thinking that communication is beginning to look much more interesting and involved, possibly even complex. Let’s look at the power and complexity of communication in some more detail. A good place to start is where communication itself started, in our prehistory.

THE NATURE AND ORIGINS OF LANGUAGE ITSELF The origin of all communication is about the expression of feelings. If that gives you pause to think, consider this: The power of speech, the use of language, is a uniquely human capability. But it arose out of a whole set of animal signals and nonverbal representations. It is a remarkable skill that has its roots in our evolutionary history. Hominids walked erect 2.1 million years ago but the faculty of speech only appeared as recently as 125,000 years ago; full understanding still hasn’t appeared. But this indicates that in our evolutionary history we have been using words to communicate for only approximately one-twentieth of the time that we have used nonverbal means to communicate. Moreover many language experts argue that words develop as a representation of the nonverbal action the words are used to describe. No wonder we have trouble understanding each other! There is striking evidence to suggest we are all born with a knowledge of language. Despite our sense of the different languages in the world the underlying fundamentals of all communication across all tribes and nations are basically the same. Even more importantly all of our language has a common cause. Charles Darwin in 1872 in his book on The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals, said: I cannot doubt that language owes its origin to the imitation and modification, aided by signs and gestures, of various natural sounds, the voices of other animals, and man’s own distinctive cries. Further he identified that these expressions and gestures were designed to provide information about a person’s emotional motivational state. In other words the basis of communication is the expression of feelings. At a very fundamental level all human understanding is unconscious and non-verbal. Some significant research by Damasio clearly shows that human understanding and communication 37

emotion is central to problem-solving, understanding and decision-making. We know and recognise things by what we have already experienced emotionally — this is true understanding. When we are able to describe something to another person in such a way that it resonates with their experience and feelings, it is the basis of such understanding. The conclusion is inescapable: true understanding lies below the surface and is emotionally linked. The reality of unconscious emotional understanding is fundamental. In the beginning, therefore, communication entirely involved the understanding of motivation and feelings. This is also true for each of us as we begin our own life: as babies we start by presenting or ‘talking’ about our feelings and motivation; that is, we cry, laugh, rage, and so on, before we start any more complicated speech. The biologists Hauser refers to in his book have found that an evolutionary advantage developed very quickly for those animals that could mask or hide their underlying feelings. Therefore concealment, deception and lying in communication started very early on. Despite the concealment however the emotional state was still displayed by very small changes in muscle tone, facial expression and so on. Lying and deception in communication is widespread. Ecologists say that animals tend to give stereotyped signals when they are communicating, precisely in order to conceal the individual’s actual emotional and motivational state. Just like many managers we know! Further, other research has suggested that language developed because of the need of human beings to cooperate with each other. Studies of language throughout the animal kingdom (the dance of bees, territorial calls and birdsong) suggest these communications are a form of primitive signalling between animals. As a first step, early humans had a few specific utterances, from howls to grunts, which became associated with specific objects. Crucially, these associations form when information transfer serves and benefits both the speaker and the listener. Thus our language is based upon co-operative interaction. There are many definitions of communication and all of them refer to either influence or understanding. Most describe the nonverbal elements of communication (movements of the face and the body, patterns of eye contact, and sound quality) as behaviours that are incredibly significant. Let’s look at these behaviours more closely.

three fundamental elements of communication and understanding One famous piece of research, by Albert Mehrabian, explored several significant aspects of human expression and communication. In a controlled study, Mehrabian made videotapes of human subjects delivering a range of 38 be understood or be overlooked

verbal messages together with a range of expressions and gestures and variations in the tone of voice. He had several experts separately evaluate the various aspects of the communication in terms of the impression made on the receiver of the message. From these experiments he identified that there are three elements that make up our communication of any message: • body language • voice tone • verbal content. Body language constitutes all of the aspects of our appearance and gestures. Whether we are male or female, old or young, Asian, Caucasian or whatever; whether we are well dressed, casual or shabby. It includes our facial expressions (frown, smile, glare, smirk) and whether or not we make eye contact. It also includes larger gestures like moving arms and hands, shifting in our chair or sitting very still. Voice tone relates to the way and manner of presenting the sound of our voice. Is the voice consistent and unmodulated with no rising and falling inflection? Or does the pitch change so that it is high and low, sharp and soft, loud and whispering, intense or moderate? The verbal content of course refers to the actual words that we use in our communication. It is the facts of the message, the raw content. Mehrabian’s work clearly demonstrated that each of these elements conveyed a significant part of the message. What is staggering is the relative potency of each of these three elements. His research suggested that: • body language contributes 55 per cent of the message • the tone of voice we use accounts for 38 per cent, which leaves • 7 per cent from the words themselves. This research means that 93 per cent of all communication is conveyed nonverbally! The words we use are only an insignificant part of how we communicate. So here we have it: the words are nothing without the power of the way we present them. When the three elements of communication are congruent or alike or matched, then the communication is most powerful and influential. For example if I look at you with a serious expression, a slightly flushed face, and make finger-poking gestures, using a sharp and angry voice tone, while saying, ‘That is just the kind of behaviour I find really objectionable’, then I am likely to convey a very strong and convincing message, a consistent message of displeasure. understanding and communication 39

In contrast however, if these three elements are incongruent or mismatched, then the recipient tends to believe or respond to the nonverbal presentation rather than the actual words; the nonverbal tone and expression (93 per cent) has more potency than the words themselves (7 per cent). An example of a mismatched message would be if I were to repeat the above message, namely, ‘That is just the kind of behaviour I find really objectionable,’ but this time using a soft, modulated voice tone combined with a smiling face whilst sitting back in the chair with my arms behind my head. Then it is very likely the other person will not take me seriously. They may consider I am making a joke, and could even believe that I’m expressing my admiration for them ironically. Finally, Mehrabian’s research identified that people like, or are more comfortable with, congruent and matched communication. They dislike (are uncomfortable with) mismatched communication. The key principle is that people are drawn towards other people and things that they like. They trust these people. They take them seriously. They understand them. On the other hand, the research showed that people will avoid or move away from people that they dislike, view negatively and do not prefer. They are not taken seriously. They don’t understand them. This constitutes distrust. Here we have the connection between effective communication, feeling comfortable, understanding and trust. In contrast we have poor communication, discomfort, distrust, and misunderstanding. The first type of communication leads to dialogue, sociability, understanding and participation. The second results in communication breakdown, stress and alienation. It looks like this: FLOW CHART OF GOOD AND POOR COMMUNICATION Good communication (relationship, matching) ▼ Understanding (connection) ▼ Trust (respect, openness) ▼ Knowing (knowledge transfer) ▼ Participation (ownership, commitment)

Poor communication (content, mismatching) ▼ Misunderstanding (confusion, stress) ▼ Mistrust (deceit, doubt) ▼ Information (data transfer) ▼ Disenfranchisement (alienation, selfishness)

Good communication acknowledges our humanity. It recognises others in a fundamental way. It connects people and creates shared understanding. It creates trust. Communication is understanding. This has powerful implications for learning how to be more effective when 40 be understood or be overlooked

we communicate. It also reinforces the reason for the gap in perceptions about communication between managers and their staff we discussed above. Just saying the message (7 per cent) is not enough. It needs to be said with the correct tone (38 per cent) and with the right expressions and gestures (55 per cent) in order to be fully and completely understood. Mehrabian’s work suggests that inconsistent messages come into play when we have mixed feelings about something and that they also assume a very special function in situations in which people influence one another. His work suggests that there is something specific and unique to each individual person, a pervasive style that applies to almost everything they do. This is what enables us to form an impression of an individual before any exchange of words. We have all experienced the power of first impressions where, in the first 30 seconds of meeting an individual, we form an initial impression that is not easily diminished by further communication. This is the power of non-verbal communication. This is one compelling piece of research. Is there any other evidence that supports Mehrabian’s contention of these three communication elements and the power of the nonverbal aspects of communication? In fact there is a wealth of studies from animal and human research that comprehensively supports these three elements of communication. We will look at a few of the more exciting studies.

facial expressions and understanding We’ve considered that language was developed to express emotions, which is part of the 55 per cent of the body language element. There are many more studies about the power of body language in communication. Each of the following experiments comes from Hauser’s large volume, The Evolution of Communication. Let’s take facial expression. An experiment with rhesus monkeys involved taking one monkey from its social group and anaesthetising the nerve that controls facial expressions. Temporarily, without the use of this nerve, the monkey has no ability to express subtle changes in its face. When the monkey was placed back in its social group the results showed significant impact upon the quality and quantity of social interactions. The monkey tended to drop in dominance, was more excluded, and became more aggressive. (This also sounds like some managers in our organisations today!) It was not understood and became overlooked. Not only does the non-verbal aspect of facial expression have an impact on others, it is also experienced physically, if unconsciously. Other experiments with humans have clearly demonstrated that facial expressions understanding and communication 41

associated with underlying feelings of anger significantly increase heart rate and skin response in observers. In contrast, facial expressions connected with the feeling of happiness produced no such physical changes in the observers. Clearly there are physical reactions to nonverbal messages even if we are not directly aware of them. This finding makes stress in the workplace much more understandable. Poor communication, even if conveyed non-verbally, has a detrimental physical impact on others. Being yelled at or bullied is stressful; but so too is being frowned on or glowered at. In a later chapter we will see how such negative communication compounds its effects and creates organisation-wide morale problems. Many other studies have shown similar results in relationship to arm gestures, body movement, status, age and other aspects of body language.

voice tone and understanding Voice tone was another very strong element from Mehrabian’s research; in fact it contributed 38 per cent of the impact of the message. What do other studies say about this? There is evidence from observations with several animal species that strongly suggests that the use of vocal pitch and tonality has a dramatic impact upon verbal exchange and status and power in the group. Some fascinating recent research with parents and young children has examined voice pitch and its connection to the intent of the message. The researchers found that there are different grades of pitch (high, medium, low etc.) which are directly associated with different feelings. The results suggested that melodic modulated voice tones are more powerful in directly influencing the other person in terms of focusing their attention and motivating them. Moreover it has been found that parents elevate the pitch of their voices when speaking to infants as opposed to adults. (And this change has been noted across six different languages). Think about this in relationship to some of our manager/employee encounters in the workplace. When you consider the paternalistic approach that many managers take towards their employees you may find that their voice tone often rises in pitch when they are speaking. This would elicit (often unconsciously) the feelings in the employee of being spoken to like a child. What impact might this have upon effective understanding? Clearly human beings communicate non-verbally about how they feel. This is done by large body movements and gestures, facial expressions and by pitch changes in their voice tone. Basically understanding is emotional and nonverbal. Therefore to become 42 be understood or be overlooked

a Master Communicator requires us to be aware of our emotions and our nonverbal communication habits. We have considered nonverbal communication; let’s now turn to the communication process itself.

THE COMMUNICATION PROCESS There are good reasons why it’s difficult to communicate effectively, and a brief look at what the communication process involves will make some of these reasons clearer.

a non-mechanical process It’s always valuable to work at improving the clarity and simplicity of the way we communicate, but no matter how much we would like to control it, one person can’t control the process of interpersonal communication. For one thing, there are too many elements in the process for one person to control. For another, it isn’t something we do alone: it happens in relationship to others and we can’t control other people. Communication happens only in the interaction between people, not in the mind of the sender. To achieve Mastery in communication, we need to become less concerned about how to control the process and more interested in how our audience hears and understands. Where we are used to focusing first on what our message is or how to get it across, we might focus first on who we are, and who we are trying to speak to, instead.

a process rich in meaning When people speak and listen to each other, or read and write, the meanings they can exchange are affected by what they each bring to the interaction, often without knowing it. When we communicate we convey a broader range of possible meanings than we intend, which is why we are so often surprised when other people ‘misunderstand’ us. In contrast to the simple, straightforward, clear and unambiguous messages we think we are sending, we are broadband communicators, sending rich emotional and psychological information as well as the overt surface message. As we discussed above we do this through the non-verbal elements of our communicative behaviour. To make things even more complicated, the people we are communicating with are also bringing a lot to the process — their preferred patterns of interacting, their emotional and psychological orientation, their personal histories and experience. These factors impact on their interpretation of what we say. understanding and communication 43

If we want to become Master Communicators, we need to be much more aware of this richness. We can become better readers of what is taking place.

context is important Another element in the process of making meanings and communicating them to each other is the environment in which our interactions are taking place. Something said in one place may mean something radically different in another place at another time, even though we may have intended to send the same message on both occasions. The time, the place, the social or professional circumstances, can transform the meanings that people take away from an interaction. Exactly the same words can mean a very different thing if said by a senior manager than they would if said by a fellow team member. An observation by our partner is often dismissed, yet the same observation by some external person makes an impression. To become better communicators, then, we need to be concerned not only with what we are going to say and how we are going to say it but also with why, where, when and to what audience, trying to take into account the impact that the context might have on the meanings other people will bring and take away. The meanings we make and exchange are not in the sender, and not in the message, and not in the receiver. Nor are they in the environment in which the communication takes place. Meaning is made, shared, used and exchanged in the interaction between these elements. This helps explain why it seems difficult to achieve mastery over our communication skills. First, the process isn’t mechanical but interpersonal. Second, the process involves a lot of meaning and is connected to our emotional and psychological experience, and we aren’t always aware of the range of meanings being communicated. Third, the social and interpersonal context has an effect that is not necessarily predictable.

becoming communication masters Become much more effective observers. Pay close attention to how you speak and listen and how others tend to react. What do you bring and what do others bring to our discussions? How do you work out what others mean when they are trying to communicate with you?

listening and learning When we are misunderstood, or misunderstand others, we feel uncomfortable and tend to blame someone (perhaps ourselves) for causing the problem. We feel overlooked. Being aware of the 7 per cent of verbal content and 93 per cent non-verbal content reminds us to spend more time 44 be understood or be overlooked

listening and carefully observing so we can learn about the person with whom we are speaking. This idea of listening to learn or of learning to understand is missing from most workplace communication and conversations at home. If we are to improve our communication skills we need to focus not only on the words, but also on the context, timing, emphasis and focus. Instead of spending most of our time on what we want to achieve we need to give more importance to how we can achieve it and what role communication plays in this achievement. We need to do this because it is important to be influential with our colleagues to achieve organisational goals and to minimise unnecessary time wastage and conflict with others. Listening, observing and learning at this level is the start of an effective learning relationship and therefore the basis of a true learning organisation. This in fact constitutes the basis of our definition of leadership: ‘The capacity to create a work environment in such a way that each person is uniquely motivated to achieve the organisational goals and feel motivated for so doing.’ (Carlopio, Andrewartha and Armstrong, 2001.) Looking a little more closely at the ways in which our communicative behaviours influence others, the following aspects of understanding are worth remembering.

UNDERSTANDING all communication behaviour influences others In interaction with others, it is impossible not to communicate. This is especially true when our non-verbal communication behaviour is considered. Our gestures, expressions, voice tone and posture all have an impact. We are sending these subtle signals whenever we interact with others. The trick is to be aware of what messages we are sending.

increased self-awareness increases effective understanding So much of our communicative behaviour is nonverbal and not necessarily conscious. We often send mixed messages where the verbal content is not consistent with the nonverbal messages. Our capacity to be understood is reduced if we don’t pay attention to this. The crucial ingredient for increasing effective managerial understanding is increased self-awareness.

understanding and communication 45

ineffective communication involves observable mismatching Much of communication that is ineffective is a product of mismatched communication behaviours. (We will discuss matching and mismatching in detail in the next section.) In every case where there is mismatching the effectiveness of connection and understanding decreases. These mismatches are observable, although because they are nonverbal and often unconscious we often don’t notice them. When we prepare, listen and develop an observant eye, potential mismatched elements become noticeable.

understanding behaviours can be planned and practised With very little practice the sharpening of observation of communication behaviour enables subtle elements to be identified and matched. Before significant or sensitive interactions you would be advised to spend as much time planning and preparing the elements of matching nonverbal and subtle communicative behaviours as you do in preparing the actual content of the conversation.

planned communication optimises understanding Paying attention to matching the other person’s possible non-verbal behaviours and reactions, carefully thinking about time and place as well as the other person’s views and values, will result in communication that is well planned and appropriate. This results in more effective outcomes, a more harmonious environment, reduced time wastage on clarifying misunderstandings or fixing problems and an improvement in the more subtle aspects of self-confidence, team spirit and workplace morale. The next major aspect of understanding involves matching our communication with the recipient.

IMITATION OR MATCHING Imitation is natural to man from childhood...he is the most imitative creature in the world, and learns at first by imitation. Aristotle The art of understanding is achieved through matching. Subtle copying of the body language, voice tone, and hidden communications will always achieve a sense of connection. Crucial in understanding is 46 be understood or be overlooked

respecting the uniqueness of each individual. In order to be strongly motivated, people need to be approached in ways that match their own unconscious communication patterns. The extensive work of Milton Erickson really established how this concept of imitation or matching which we all unconsciously apply, can be used quite thoughtfully to vastly increase our level of understanding and influence. We all tend to copy those closest to us. We imitate their gestures and some expressions, even sayings. This is why husbands and wives come to resemble each other after 20 years together. It is also why owners and their pets look alike after a while! They imitate each other in their communication. Several more experiments from Hauser’s book will attest to this. The evidence from animal studies is convincing: humans are the only creatures to imitate and match expressions and behaviours in order to learn and understand. Imitation is the most powerful way of learning social behaviour and the meaning of communication. Experiments demonstrate that infants from a wide variety of cultures imitate facial expressions from as young as the first hour after birth. Even more remarkable is the evidence that infants use early matching to identify the people with whom they interact. One experiment involved three different experimenters showing different expressions to six-month-old babies for just 1 minute. One person poked out their tongue, another made a big open mouth, and the third pursed their lips. All the infants imitated the expressions of the visitors. The next day the first experimenter (tongue poking) visited the same babies but with a strictly neutral face. Each infant responded to this visitor by poking out their tongue! The conclusion from the studies is most convincing in terms of the potency of matching. And it is this: imitation is the essential element for understanding the feeling (or the meaning) of the message. Matching creates understanding. What we are discussing in this book is how to make our matching conscious and considered; that is, planned understanding. Matching also generates interactive dialogue. There is evidence from animal and human studies that interactive communication (two-way conversation or dialogue) builds understanding between those communicating. This explains why in real life positive communication can have a positive and uplifting effect, whereas negative communication can spiral downwards to reactivity and lowered morale. This reinforces the idea that understanding oneself as well as understanding others is essential if we are to grasp and share the different views we have of the same event.

understanding and communication 47

expectation and understanding There is also fascinating work concerning the power of expectation in communication. Experiments with infants have shown that they learn very quickly to expect normal physical outcomes. In one experiment a ball is held above a table then a screen is placed between the infant and the table and the ball is dropped. The screen is removed and the ball is visible sitting on top of the table where it is expected to be. The experiment is repeated but this time when the screen is removed the ball is unexpectedly revealed to be sitting under the table. The infants react with considerable surprise and much attention to this unexpected event. When the expected doesn’t occur we get unhappy and perplexed. From an early age we want what we expect. We expect what we understand. In this way expectation also influences understanding. Another part of being a Master Communicator involves matching people’s expectations. So far we have establish several things: 1. That non-verbal elements of expression and voice tone have an incredibly significant impact upon understanding. 2. That planned use of nonverbal behaviour can directly influence feelings and motivation. 3. That communication is complex and full of the possibility of misunderstanding. 4. That expectation can shape our understanding, for good or poor outcomes. To communicate effectively then we need to follow Mehrabian’s findings and be aware of Erickson’s principles of matching.

three rules for matching 1. Make sure your communication is congruent. That is, the three

elements of body language, voice tone, and verbal content are all consistent and aligned. 2. Pay a lot more attention to how you present the communication rather than just the words themselves. 3. When listening and presenting, carefully observe and imitate or match the nonverbal communication of the other person. Under these three rules there are four aspects of matching to consider: • match body language • match meaning 48 be understood or be overlooked

• match worldview • match expectation.

match body language Pay attention to the larger body gestures. Is the person standing and walking or sitting still? Are they moving their arms and hands? Are they dressed casually or formally? Notice the finer body gestures. Are they smiling, frowning or laughing? Do they make eye contact or not? Are they restless or still? Do they have any particular mannerisms? Pay attention to their voice tone: is it sharp or modulated? Deep or highpitched? Variable or consistent? Are they speaking quickly or slowly? Whatever they are doing imitate or match this behaviour. Do it modestly and with some subtlety. Do it respectfully. You might be self-conscious about this but they will not be conscious of your imitation.

match meaning ‘We don’t always say what we mean and we don’t always do what we say,’ says Martin Buber. So how do others know what we mean? As we’ve just seen, the first big contributor to this is matching body language as comprehensively and as consistently as possible. This helps you get inside the nature and meaning of the other person. The second aspect is to ask questions about meaning rather than assume that the meaning is clear. For example, a father of a teenage daughter may be voicing and displaying anger in regards to his daughter’s late nights. Very few clarifying questions are needed in order to establish that most of his meaning is wrapped up in concern and anxiety rather than in anger and punishment. What is the meaning behind the message? The third element of this is to identify the fundamental emotion behind the message, which is often not always the same as the displayed emotion. What is their real concern? What is the real impact of the message? Once you have identified it, match it.

match worldview Remember that one of the studies we described earlier identified that we first learn our language from what is familiar and comfortable. By extension we take on any new ideas and information best when it is presented in familiar and recognisable ways. This is the entire principle of matching. At this point we are interested in matching the person’s way of being. This understanding and communication 49

is about their values and habits. Are they religious or not? Do they like sports? Do they like music, and if so, what kind? Are they interested in relationships and family or are they focused on business and profit? All of these aspects tell you about their worldview. Matching some of these aspects helps you to be understood. This doesn’t mean agreeing with their worldview or changing your own worldview, it simply means making a presentation in a way that is compatible with their worldview. Talking about family with a family-orientated person may make your message more familiar. Using a golfing metaphor to present your ideas to a golfer is likely to be better received than using a musical metaphor. By knowing the nature of the person and being thoughtful you are better able to shape your presentation, so at the very least there is no clash of values, and at the very best, a comfortable integration of values and view.

match expectation You’ll remember we considered expectation and understanding at the close of the previous chapter. Expectation can be predicted and matched. When you are about to meet someone think about what they might be expecting from you. How do they expect you to be dressed and present yourself? This aspect requires that we do some homework in order to understand what the expectations might be. When people get what they expect their understanding receptors are wide-open. When the unexpected occurs it had better be extremely good or else acceptance and understanding shuts down instantly. The nice thing about this item is that you can ask directly. ‘Now in terms of my presentation next Tuesday what sorts of things are you hoping to get?’ ‘Is my suggestion meeting your needs?’ Questions such as these can help you shape and fine tune your understanding of their expectations and therefore more appropriately meet them.

case study in matching Gareth was sitting at his desk speaking in his normal mellow and resonant voice: ‘It really is important when we’re considering our clients in Malaysia to be able to demonstrate in some way our connection and respect for the region. It needs to be like a good wine which tastes a little strong at first, but quickly settles on the palate and subtly matches their taste buds and their expectation. The essence of our approach is to...’ ‘Yes, well, that looks all well and good’, Samuel interrupted stridently while pacing about the room, ‘but what about the timing?’ 50 be understood or be overlooked

‘Timing is also important I know, and I feel that if we can begin operations in September we should have no trouble. However it might be possible...’ ‘Well, we should clearly target September then. Organise it will you? I still can’t see how we can be successful though.’ The pacing continued. ‘Of course Sam, that won’t be a problem at all. I’m on top of it. No, I feel really confident about our success. I feel it in my bones. Why just the other...’ ‘Feeling schmeeling. I just can’t see it!’ Sam and Gareth continued talking for a few more minutes, but like all their previous chats, the energy is just not there and the conversation soon lags and then collapses. As Sam strides off he thinks that Gareth is a fool who is too slow and wishy-washy. Probably lazy too. Never looks like he is really connected to the main game. Meanwhile Gareth reflects on how uncomfortable every meeting with Sam seems to be. Try as he might there is always a gap. A lack of connection. He never seems to get to the bottom of the problem. In their different ways both managers feel misunderstood. Both feel uncomfortable. Worse still, their continuing poor communication is beginning to affect the company’s profits. Soon one or both of them will be asked to consider their future. Which will be a real loss of good talent to the company. And it is all so unnecessary. They actually agree about most of the important aspects of their joint work. Unfortunately their styles and delivery methods are not matched. They are so mismatched that the level of agreement is swamped by their conflicting styles. It is this alone that will lead to a real costly conflict.

IN CONCLUSION We have examined the fundamental nature and origins of being understood. It is the essence of being recognised and accepted. It’s the foundation of success. When we are overlooked, we are ignored. When we are ignored, we are not taken seriously — we are not successful and it doesn’t feel very nice. We have then outlined some actions we can take to become true Master Communicators. Practise them! They work! In the next chapter we will move from this larger picture of understanding to examine the evolutionary patterns that help us to be understood, be taken seriously and be successful. understanding and communication 51

chapter 3

the evolutionary patterns

TRUST AND UNDERSTANDING Trust has always been central to understanding. Without some level of trust, even honest statements may seem suspect. And trust is not easy to find: In 1960, 58 per cent of Americans said they trusted people. In 1993 only 37 per cent said they did. These figures come from David Putnam’s 1995 book Bowling Alone. What would be the level of trust today? One of the major reasons for the declining levels of trust is poor communication. It is a dangerous spiral. Poor communication reduces understanding, which affects confidence in others and in ourselves. Reduced confidence lowers understanding even more, which reduces trust. Lowered trust decreases understanding, which affects communication and so it continues. Francis Fukuyama, author of The End of History and Trust, confirms the power of trust based on shared ethics and values. Without trust we need formal rules and legislation to coerce people to comply with what trust permits naturally. He extends these considerations from the social group and organisational level to the whole nation. He says, ‘A nation’s well-being, as well as its ability to compete, is conditioned by a single, pervasive cultural characteristic: the level of trust inherent in the society.’ Given Putman’s figures for trust in the US, what does this say about America’s wellbeing? Why do we so often feel like we’ve made ourselves clear and yet something seems to go wrong and there’s confusion or disagreement? Misunderstanding seems to happen so easily. Distrust occurs so commonly. I remember a fight with my daughter a few years ago. When she was fourteen years old, my daughter one day announced that she was going to a movie with a brand new boyfriend who was three years older. I attempted to convey to her that I wanted her to go and have a good time and to be home at 11:00 pm. At the same time however, I was unconsciously also conveying my anxiety about whether they really would go to the movies, whether they would be home at 11:00 pm, and whether this was just the first step on the downward path of drugs, clubs and sexual discovery. There might have been some memories of my early dating which may have made me even more anxious about what might happen. Therefore the simple sentence ‘Er, yes darling, go and have a good time and I’ll see you at 11:00’, was conveyed with a tight smile on my face, together with a frown on my brow, tight neck muscles, and a constricted throat so the voice tone was tighter than normal. Instead of her saying, ‘Thanks Dad’, she demanded, ‘What’s the problem with you?’ This of course led directly to a fight. How did this happen over a simple exchange where we both really agreed the evolutionary patterns 53

with each other? How did we so easily misunderstand and mistrust each other? How did we not connect honestly and openly? Why were essential needs overlooked? We were operating on different communication patterns. Conflicting patterns of which neither of us were aware. Until too late. Further, when you have one bad communication episode with someone it is worse the next time. We are even more constricted, clumsy and cautious in our next round. That then ensures another poor communication experience that starts a trend, which is very, very hard to break. This chapter (and the rest of the book) describes how this communication breakdown occurs and how you can change it. We will identify the hidden patterns that are mismatched when communication goes wrong. These powerful security patterns arise from the depths of our ancestry. When the patterns are aligned we know we have communicated and achieved understanding. They represent ancient roots of connectivity from our way of learning language and expressing our feelings. When they are not aligned we mismatch our feelings and our understanding. We miss the message. We miss out.

PERCEPTION AND UNDERSTANDING So far we have discussed some language studies of both animals and humans that provide some fascinating facts about language, communication, learning, expectation and understanding. There is other information about perception and worldview that is also worth considering. Understanding has a lot to do with how we perceive things. We perceive things with our senses. We see or hear or feel the world (and other people) outside ourselves. These sense or perceptual systems are so complex that they require their own unique region of the brain: the temporal lobe for hearing, the occipital lobe at the back of our head for seeing, and the parietal lobe for touch and feeling. These areas of the brain make sense of the information we hear with our ears, see with our eyes, and feel with our hands and our skin. As you know we also smell and taste things but these are more minor in terms of complex perceptual data processing. So what? Don’t we all perceive (see, hear, feel) the world out there in exactly the same way? Isn’t what we perceive the same thing for all of us? Well, no. And here’s the problem in terms of understanding and being understood. Considerable evidence now exists that we all perceive what’s out there (our worldview) in different ways — sometimes dramatically different ways. 54 be understood or be overlooked

First, there are so many stimuli from the world impacting upon our sense organs. There is so much to see, hear, and feel. Think about it now. Think about what you’re seeing and feeling and hearing right now. Are you aware of any aches? Noises in another room? Birds, dogs outside the window? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired? What visual stimuli are going on inside the room? And so on. Now that it’s been drawn to your attention you are likely to notice things that previously you didn’t pay attention to. The truth is we only attend to, or notice, selected parts of all the perceptual stimuli that impact on us at any given time. Some estimates suggest we only notice 15 per cent of what is happening! So different people select different things to notice, and we all do this unconsciously. We also (unconsciously) apply this selective perception when we are talking to someone. We only hear some things we want to hear, notice certain expressions and not others, and be aware of certain reactions. We don’t hear and see and feel everything that is being communicated. This starts to put a limit on our understanding straightaway. Second, a lot of our world that we think of as fixed and real is actually very different when we examine it closely. We take it for granted but it isn’t as we think it is. For example, have you had this experience of being in your car standing stationary at a traffic signal? As you glance left you see to your horror that your car must be edging forwards into the oncoming stream of cars. You jam on your brakes. You still seem to be moving forward! You jam on the brakes even harder. What’s wrong? Then you realise that the car next to you is moving backwards! Nonetheless your whole experience was that your car was moving forward. You could even feel your car rolling forward! Let us take another example of depth perception or distance perception. We all know that if we are holding our hand near our face and looking at a car in the distance that our hand is actually not bigger than the car! Even though it looks as if it’s bigger. We know the car is further away and therefore whilst it appears smaller than our hand, based upon our knowledge of cars and hands we ‘see’ the car as its normal size. In terms of the occipital lobe inside our head however, the car is seen to be smaller than the hand. What we see in reality is a small car and the big hand. Unconsciously though, we translate what we actually see in reality and process it, so that we see what we have been taught and have learned to see, namely the correct sizing based upon knowledge. What is crucial here is that many parts of our perceptions are learned or taught; they are not real. So what’s the connection to understanding and worldview? Well we learn many of our ‘objective realities’ from others. Depth perception is a good safe aspect of reality to learn accurately. But many of our ‘views’ of the evolutionary patterns 55

the world come about by very subjective and unique means. Clearly in different cultures we learn things about our world that are shaped by that culture’s history, values and religion. Even in the same culture we learn different ways of viewing the same thing based upon our gender, age and family background. Our eating habits, work habits, manners — all are learned. And we tend to regard our own habits as right! And other different habits as wrong or weird.

what is honesty? Answer this right now. What does honesty mean to you? Here are some answers to the question about honesty from a class of MBA students: • being truthful all the time • being reliable • when your actions and words are the same • dependability • never telling lies • only lying to protect others • being fair • accuracy • objectivity • respect. How different some of these are! And how wrong! When you next have a conversation about honesty, remember your meaning may not be the same as the other person’s. You may have a conversation that feels OK at the time but leads you into all sorts of problems later. So perceptions are our meanings. Different perceptions indicate we have different meanings. When we have different meanings about the same thing, we have a misunderstanding, often without even knowing it. There is a tribe in South America who have no way of understanding angles! For generations they have never seen angles. They simply don’t know them. It’s not in their worldview. Some other common views that different people might hold include: • Eskimos have 30 or more words for snow. • Some of us know spiders are to be feared. • A frown always means displeasure (or is it the sign of a headache?) • When someone interrupts you they are being rude (or excited?) • Guests are always served first. • Belching is impolite. • Stealing a pen from work is wrong (or is it working from home?). 56 be understood or be overlooked

These different views or realities are usually unconscious. We don’t think about them. We assume other people have a similar view to ourselves. This is one of the elements of your capacity to misunderstand other people that we discussed under matching in the previous chapter. What meanings or ‘realities’ of yours have you identified which turn out to be different realities for someone else? You may want to make a list of them under these headings: • Different realities at work • Different realities at home. You might wish to keep checking on this list and perhaps add to it after you’ve finished reading the book. So many beliefs are held as realities, when they are only subjective perceptions. This is a significant contributor to communication problems and misunderstanding. The conscious recognition and acceptance that reality is perception is the path to effective communication, understanding and trust.

THE SEVEN EVOLUTIONARY PATTERNS Let us now review some of the key things we have discovered over the last few chapters: • Nonverbal communication came millions of years before verbal communication. • Language is based on, and developed out of, nonverbal communication. • Language has emotional and motivational origins. • Language has common universal rules. • Language and meaning are learned uniquely. • Perception of the world is learned uniquely. • Perception is meaning is understanding. • Each person’s worldview is their version of reality. • There is a universal evolutionary set of perception patterns. • Familiar or shared patterns maximise understanding. Our remote ancestors started communicating non-verbally. This communication revolved around the basic needs and wants — hunger, fear, recreation, danger and loss. Originally communication was connected to a shared and common environment. That was fine when everyone’s experience was very similar, when small groups or tribes shared a world that was the same for all of them. the evolutionary patterns 57

This provided the bedrock for today’s communication channels, the evolutionary patterns. Because the world’s tribes grew and our world experiences became more complex and different, their shared experiences became more infrequent and contradictory. In the modern world with its enormous range of vocabularies and environments, confusion and misunderstanding is universal. The world’s patterns have shifted. We have learnt to lie and hide our feelings. Communication and understanding have become harder. Being poor communicators and being overlooked have become common. However, these ancestral shared experiences about basic needs and wants are still located in our communication systems. The foundation of nonverbal expression is still there. These bedrock nonverbal patterns from our ancestors still exist today. Earlier we said that good communication means understanding. When we have shared familiar experiences, our communication with another person achieves that level of understanding. Now here’s the thing: even without shared, identical experiences, the deliberate use of these evolutionary patterns achieves the same level of understanding! It provides a sense of that familiar environment. It engenders a feeling of shared experience. It assists us to feel that this communication is similar to our own experience. We recognise the communication. We understand and we are trusting. What are these fundamental patterns? Studies have isolated seven effective patterns that still operate today — the seven dimensions of understanding that directly shape the way we communicate and how effective we will be. They are an inherent part of who we are and how we relate to others — the foundation of our way of understanding others and trusting them. They are part of our communication heritage. These patterns shape our communication with others in these seven significant areas: Pattern 1: The speed trap Pattern 2: Stretching the point Pattern 3: The logic loop Pattern 4: Focus hocus-pocus Pattern 5: The blaming game Pattern 6: Simon says Pattern 7: Seeing is believing

58 be understood or be overlooked

These patterns were adapted and developed from the pioneering work of Dr Jeffrey Zeig on fundamental connection points. Each of these fundamental patterns is like a dimension or a seesaw, with two sides balanced in the middle. At each end of the seesaw is a behaviour that is the polar opposite of the behaviour at the other end. For example let’s look at Pattern 1, the speed trap. This pattern is about the timing of our communication. Are we very fast or very gradual, or somewhere in the middle? At one end the speed is designated ‘rapid.’ At the other is the opposite behaviour, ‘gradual.’ Each of these opposite behaviours forms the seesaw pattern of timing. Now we can present the seven patterns with their accompanying communication behaviours:

pattern 1: the speed trap timing: rapid/gradual What is our timing? Are we rapid or gradual? Rapid types might be impatient to race to Chapter 4 as soon as possible. Gradual readers will get to it all in good time, absorbing information along the way.

pattern 2: stretching the point emphasis: exaggerate/understate How do we give emphasis to things? Do we tend to exaggerate and make mountains out of molehills, or to downplay the information and understate the matter? In Chapter 5 there is an incredibly exciting revelation for exaggerators, and a reasonably well-presented outline of the ideas for understaters.

pattern 3: the logic loop thinking: linear/lateral What logic do we apply in our thinking? Do we communicate our ideas in a linear step-by-step manner, or in a random creative way? Laterals may go right now to Chapter 6 and invent a new set of patterns. Linears might only read Chapter 6 after digesting Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Those are the rules!

pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus focus: detail/concept When we focus on something, do we get really interested in the specific details, or the overall concept or bottom line? Detailers might examine Chapter 7 line by line and point by point. Conceptualisers are likely to be searching for the key point or concept of this pattern and won’t be so concerned with the details. the evolutionary patterns 59

pattern 5: the blaming game evaluation: self/other When things go wrong (and that’s life) we all evaluate or blame something or someone. We either criticise or blame ourselves or we are critical of others. Self-evaluators may read Chapter 8 for evidence of their own failings, while other evaluators may well find evidence of the author’s inadequacies!

pattern 6: simon says relationship: initiator/responder In all relationships at work or home one of us tends to take the lead and the other person follows on. One person provides the initiative and the other responds and develops the idea. In Chapter 9, initiators might have some ideas about how the material could have been better presented. Responders may accept the concepts and might develop them more fully.

pattern 7: seeing is believing perception: visual/auditory/experiential When we communicate we describe and present things (in general) in terms of what we see, what we hear, what we feel, or in some combination of these three perceptions. People who are strongly visual may enjoy looking at Chapter 10 and seeing the patterns there. Auditory people might sound out the ideas and talk them over with one or two others. Experiential or intuitive readers may grasp the sense of Chapter 10 and enjoy the exercises as a way of getting in touch with the ideas. Each of these patterns and their seesaw behaviours are a natural part of our evolutionary patterns of communication. No one way or another is better or worse in its outcome. We are just different from each other. The trick is to spot the difference and to use it to enhance your level of understanding. The seven patterns are our unconscious, fixed dimensions of communicating. But what if you were more conscious of these patterns and started using them at home and work? Let us revisit the idea of matching once again.

MATCHING If you knew how to read the other person’s unique set of patterns, and if you matched those aspects, your influence and effectiveness would be much more successful. This book shows you how to do this. The basis of effective understanding is to accept the other person’s com60 be understood or be overlooked

munication style. To join with their set of evolutionary patterns rather than competing with them. To do this you need three skills: • awareness of your unique communication patterns • the capacity to identify other peoples’ communication patterns • the ability to match the other person’s unique patterns. The tests at the beginning of each of the next seven chapters will help you identify your own unique patterns. The discussion in these chapters will assist you in developing your capacity for identifying patterns in other people, and the exercises will help you achieve excellence in matching. Each of us unconsciously selects and uses the communication patterns that are most valuable and comfortable for us. There is a reason for this; it works. We might not be as effective and successful as we could be but it’s familiar and comfortable. We like having conversations in our normal natural way. We dislike having to change our conversational style. When forced to do so we feel uncomfortable and tend not to communicate as well as in our normal way. For this reason when you are communicating with somebody, accept and be curious about their style of delivery. Don’t try to interrupt or get them to change their style. It will disrupt understanding. Observe their patterns carefully. This also demonstrates good listening skills! Start to subtly copy or imitate aspects of their patterns. At the same time, don’t allow your own style to get overwhelmed and sacrificed in the communication. What is needed, in order to achieve maximum understanding, is integration of the two styles, a blending of the different patterns of communication into a comfortable and fluid conversation. This blending process is called matching. Matching creates empathy. It provides a subtle yet trusting connection between people. Such matching opens up the channels and keeps communication flowing. It removes unnecessary obstacles and distractions by providing a familiar and comfortable conversational environment. In this way people hear the message rather than being distracted by the way you are presenting the message. The substance is not subsumed by the style. The message gets through. Understanding is achieved. Trust develops.

case study There was some real conflict at Hazood Brothers. A new marketing manager Sam, had been hired three months before. The boss John, complained that the new manager was wasting time, not focused, and not a hard worker. the evolutionary patterns 61

At their meetings John would be in the meeting room one minute early. Sam would always arrive two minutes later. ‘Well’, said John, ‘let’s hear how your telephone calls and marketing have gone in the last month.’ ‘Sure’, said Sam, ‘but first let me tell you about this joker that I spoke to who had never heard of …’, and Sam continued to tell a five-minute anecdote. He started his report, and then provided another longer anecdote. Then he said, ‘This is the last story’, but proceeded to tell three more stories. All this time John was getting more tense and restless. Clearly he wasn’t understanding nor was he being understood. Sam actually did complete his report quite successfully within the allocated hour, but John had stopped listening and didn’t appreciate it by the time he finally heard it.

consultant’s analysis It was clear that Sam also felt rushed and not able to get into his normal rhythm because John often interrupted and tried to reassert the agenda. John obviously didn’t get what he wanted from the meeting and neither of them felt recognised or appreciated. After some practice with the matching process the next monthly meeting was a little different. John had accepted that stories and anecdotes were Sam’s way of getting settled and becoming more comfortable. It helped him feel in charge of his briefing session. John actually listened to the stories and appreciated them. He even added one of his own. They were both laughing at a story John was telling. At the same time, once he had established that matching rapport, John also asked some penetrating questions around the agenda to which Sam was now able to reply quite directly and more comfortably. Sam became better at monitoring when there were too many stories and knew when to cut back a little. The whole meeting reflected a blending of these two styles in a way that produced good outcomes for both of them. Both managers felt valued and appreciated. And the business got done.

IN CONCLUSION At this point we have considered the significance of perceptions and reality. We combined the findings about language and nonverbal communication with the identification of the evolutionary communication patterns common to us all. The idea of awareness and matching sets the scene for detailed discussion of the first evolutionary pattern, which has elements of speed and timing. This next chapter gets into how tortoises and hares so often get into relationships with each other. 62 be understood or be overlooked

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part two the seven patterns From the origins of language and the seven evolutionary communication patterns we explore the precise nature of your individual style of conversation. This section discusses the natural benefits, limitations and potential of each pattern. Most importantly it examines the relationship of your style in communicating with others. It aims to assist you in developing more skills along the way to Communication Mastery. The subtle skill of matching is the key to greater success. The goal is to be yourself and be much more influential.

chapter 4 pattern 1: the speed trap

‘I asked you for that report a week ago.’ (Impatient, speaking quickly, squeaky voice, pointing.) ‘Well I’ve been working on it very carefully.’ (Defensive, uncertain, speaking carefully, confused.) ‘It’s taking too long, surely it doesn’t have to be that long or that complicated?’ (More impatient, speaking more quickly, suspicious.) ‘I suppose, but I am going as quickly as possible.’ (More defensive, upset, irritated, still speaking carefully.) ‘That’s not quickly, it’s far too slow.’ (Pacing around the room, making no eye contact, higher voice tone.) ‘I am doing it as fast as possible and I am doing a good job. I’m even working in the evenings. I resent your suggestion that I am not doing the job properly.’ (Angry, really confused, standing up now.) ‘Hey, take it easy. Just get it finished as quickly as possible.’ (Impatient, puzzled, distrusting, leaving the room.) This conversation between these two characters is a pretty common misunderstanding around expectations of timing. Not only did they misunderstand each other about when delivery was expected, but they also failed to have the conversation in a way that adequately resolved the conflict. Inevitably, they will have this clash again with increasing tension, more time wastage and poorer outcomes for themselves and their client. This chapter explores this pattern of timing and identifies ways in which effective understanding can be achieved.

TIMING: RAPID/GRADUAL PROCESSOR In our communication with others we vary in the speed of our delivery, the timing of our messages, our sense of urgency and the time we take to process information. When the timing is just right for both parties, the message is conveyed and received as intended. When the pace is too fast the receiver feels rushed and pressured and responds to this influencing factor, often misreading the message or not responding at the optimal level. If the timing is too slow the response can discount the significance of the communication, to become irritated by the slowness of delivery and to question the credibility of the person communicating. Mastering timing means successfully matching your presentation to the behaviours of your receivers. This evolutionary pattern is a continuum. To return to our seesaw idea, at one end we have people we’ll call rapid processors (rapids), and at the other gradual processors (graduals). pattern 1: the speed trap 67

how do you score? Answer the following questionnaire. READ EACH STATEMENT BELOW. MARK EACH STATEMENT AS: 1 IF THE STATEMENT IS NOT AT ALL ACCURATE FOR YOU. 2 IF THE STATEMENT IS OCCASIONALLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 3 IF YOU AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS FAIRLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 4 IF YOU STRONGLY AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS QUITE ACCURATE FOR YOU.

Be honest. This will give you a benchmark comparison when you reassess yourself at the end of this book. ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I TEND TO DO EVERYTHING QUICKLY. I’M OFTEN IMPATIENT WITH OTHERS GOING TOO SLOWLY. I’M OFTEN STRESSED AND TEND TO TAKE ON TOO MUCH. I MAKE DECISIONS QUICKLY. I BELIEVE THERE ARE THE QUICK AND THE DEAD. I NEVER MISS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong rapid. 11 to 17: you are a modest rapid. 0 to 10: you are not really a rapid. Now try this one: ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I LIKE TO TAKE THINGS SLOWLY, AND STEADY AS SHE GOES. MORE HASTE, LESS SPEED. MOST DECISIONS NEED TO BE CONSIDERED CAREFULLY OVER TIME. I WAS MOSTLY RAISED IN THE COUNTRY. I TEND TO BE METHODICAL, NOT IMPETUOUS. I’M ALWAYS CAREFUL TO PACE MYSELF.

TOTAL

■

68 be understood or be overlooked

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong gradual. 11 to 17: you are a modest gradual. 0 to 10: you are not really a gradual. Now to see your timing pattern as a whole, place your scores on this chart: (Place your rapid score on the left and your gradual score on the right.) 24

19

11

7

0

7

VERY STRONG RAPID

11

19

24

VERY STRONG GRADUAL

What does this reveal about your means of timing? Are you a very strong rapid and quite modest as a gradual or vice versa? Do you score modestly on each side? Or perhaps very strongly on both qualities? How does this fit with your experience? What does your partner or close friend think? What did they score in relationship to you?

THIS MICRO UNDERSTANDING IN DETAIL rapid processors Let’s do it now — all of it. We must move quickly to pick up this opportunity. Expression: A stitch in time saves nine. Rapid processors like to receive all the information quickly and are frustrated by delays, hesitation in speech and changes to decisions. They tend to rush ahead without taking in significant peripheral detail or other possible options. They tend to be impatient with people who present information slowly and who need time to deliberate. They often inaccurately label them as unintelligent, obstructive and unco-operative, or uncommitted to achieving goals. Rapids are like city slickers; fast-paced and hectic. As leaders, rapid processors do well with major tasks that have tight deadlines and require immediate action, and where many things need to be coordinated simultaneously. They tend to get bored with slow-moving tasks with little risk or challenge, seeing them as tedious and mundane. Unfortunately, when the tasks they are given have lengthy deadlines or where there is a need to proceed slowly and cautiously they have a tendency to manufacture a crisis situation; for exampattern 1: the speed trap 69

ple, by putting off doing work until the last minute or becoming disruptive to others in a team situation. Rapid processors never miss an opportunity, but they often rush headlong into mistakes and do not take advantage of new information that may have become available since they made their original decision. The same often occurs with meetings and task delegation where they become impatient and inconsiderate towards others who may need to discuss things further. Learning to develop patience and the ability to slow down is valuable for stress reduction and getting the best contribution from others.

rapid stereotypes Rapids tend to use phrases like: ‘Hurry up’, ‘Come on’, ‘Quickly’, ‘Let’s do it now’, ‘Why wait?’, ‘There’s no time’, ‘Move it’, ‘How much longer?’, ‘Are we there yet?’ Their feelings are impatient and reactive. They exhibit impatience, restlessness, stress and tension, zapping, urgency, impulsiveness, tiredness. Their behaviours involve rushing about, pacing, interrupting, sweating, breathlessness, and hyperactivity. Rapids prefer occupations and hobbies like driving racing cars, Wall Street trading, basketball, whitewater rafting, comedians, sky diving, big game hunting. Famous rapids include the Hare, the Road Runner, Donald Campbell, Houdini, Ayrton Senna, The One-Minute Manager and Niagara Falls.

rapid colleagues Just by knowing whether you are rapid or gradual and having read this material, you will easily begin to identify other people’s behaviour on this pattern. For example, if you are a very strong rapid you will fit in with others who are also very rapid. In contrast you will noticeably misfit with those who are very gradual on this dimension. Think about whom you know and make a list of those who you immediately recognise as rapid.

gradual processors Let’s take it slowly and carefully. We really must take time to consider this fully. Expression: More haste less speed. Gradual processors tend to be overwhelmed if too much data is presented too quickly or if they are pressured to make decisions before they have enough time to deliberate. They like to take in each element and digest it thoroughly 70 be understood or be overlooked

before absorbing the next. As leaders they tend to take things as they come. They often have an accepting optimistic attitude to change, expecting it will all work out in the end. Statements like ‘haste makes waste’ are comforting words for gradual processors, since they reinforce their preferred method of assessing things. Graduals are like country folk; everything is slow and easy. Gradual processors like small, well-defined and narrowly focused tasks or major projects with long timeframes so they can establish project milestones and complete the work in a considered manner. They tend to be less competent in high pressure, high change situations. Gradual processors rarely make impulsive mistakes, but they can miss out on golden opportunities. Meetings and tasks will be well handled, but not quickly or with much risk taking. Acting before being fully informed is difficult for a gradual processor, but often necessary when deadlines require urgent action. Choosing some issues to agree on before all the data are in is good practice for expanding flexibility.

gradual stereotypes Common phrases used by graduals are: ‘Now just a minute’, ‘There’s no hurry’, ‘Where’s the fire?’, ‘Take it easy’, ‘Slow down’, ‘We’re nearly there’, ‘Won’t be a minute’, ‘Phew! it happened so quickly.’ Their favourite feelings are calmness, laid-back, peacefulness, thoughtfulness, caution, hesitancy, uncertainty, acceptance, reflection. Behaviours include waiting, listening, considering, supporting, finding out, assessing, absorbing, evaluating, taking time out, pondering. Their chosen occupations and hobbies tend to be orthodontists, historians, archivists, scientists (searching for the cure to cancer), census takers, accountants, economists, philosophers, Tibetan monks, archaeologists, workers on the Great Wall of China, chess players, plumbers (very gradual!). Famous graduals include: the Tortoise, Tolstoy (War and Peace), procrastinators, cats, hibernating bears, The Arab–Israeli peace talks, the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years.

gradual colleagues Based on this information who do you know who is obviously gradual?

timing differences Rapid and gradual are two different communication styles. They are two sides of the timing continuum. Our personality does contribute somewhat to our communication patterns. Yet rapid and gradual (and the rest of the following evolutionary patterns) are not personality types. They are behaviours that can change and develop with practise. pattern 1: the speed trap 71

Rapids race about, either in their heads or actually; graduals stay still physically and mentally. Rapids leap and often fall; graduals are at rest and absorb. A rapid makes mistakes and discounts the significance — ‘Well, you go for it and it doesn’t always work.’ A gradual never makes mistakes, but often misses out — ‘I thought about that investment opportunity, but after really careful research I found that the time had passed.’ In making a decision a rapid says, ‘I’m hungry, let’s eat. Where shall we go? I know Antonio’s. Let’s go.’ The gradual says, ‘That’s a good idea, but let’s think about the distance. And their prices are high. But it is good food. Oh I don’t know. Isn’t it closed on Mondays?’ But the rapid friend has already gone. How do they interact? Rapid: Okay, I’m ready to go now. Gradual: Hang on a minute. Rapid: For Pete’s sake hurry up, you’re never ready on time. Gradual: I’m nearly ready now. Anyway, what’s your hurry? You’ll get there in plenty of time, knowing how you drive. Rapid: What’s wrong with trying to drive efficiently? I get fed up with dithering motorists who clog up the roads. Besides, I arrive safely. Gradual: You may think you’re hot stuff, but it’s no fun being your passenger, you take too many risks just to save a few seconds. Rapid: Are you ready now? Gradual: Hang on. You know I can’t do two things at once. Stop chatting to me and I’ll get these clothes put away. Rapid: Just throw them into the wardrobe, don’t fold them up — we haven’t got time. Gradual: They’re folded now, I’m ready. Rapid: Are you sure? It’s about time. One of the most frustrating activities for a rapid person is the Internet. There is an amazing amount of information available that must be patiently waited for, as downloading is not as speedy as a rapid would want. They are the first to get Cable or ADSL! A gradual is much more likely to take to this with fewer frustrations as they are often far more patient whilst waiting for information. A rapid, once they understand the technology of computers, is much more likely to continue to want increased RAM so that they can integrate functions with greater speed, while a gradual is often much more able to pace themselves to the rate of technology available. In order to make the learning environment comfortable for both rapid and gradual students it is good to demonstrate both ways of learning and coming to conclusions about ideas. For example, a teacher might say, ‘Some of you will 72 be understood or be overlooked

find it very quick, and you will want to use this new information in a speedy manner. Others of you might find that it gradually builds and with it comes your confidence and your understanding of how to use the new ideas and material. Whether you approach it with very fast results or whether those build gradually over time, you will find by the end of this course of instruction that you will have some useful tools and processes to assist you with your work.

the racing godiva Marija did everything at a hundred kilometres an hour. She was applying for a new job and asked her friend Christie to help with her application. She phoned Christie at 1:00 am! ‘Quick there’s the job I want. I just saw the paper. I need help.’ ‘Let me go back to bed. I’ll speak to you tomorrow.’ The next day they worked on the application. Marija talked excitedly about the job. Her friend interrupted with a question relating to the application. ‘Tell me about your work with Aborigines.’ ‘It’s simple; I worked with a group at Broken Hill. Quick write it down.’ ‘Let’s spell it out. Tell me about your role.’ ‘Oh this is boring. I worked. They valued it. It was effective.’ ‘We have to make this look like a thoroughly prepared application. Let’s take the time to make it right.’ ‘Oh it is right. They can see that, surely.’ ‘You really need to spell this last area out completely.’ ‘I put in everything I did. What’s wrong with it?’ ‘Look carefully at this.’ ‘It’s OK. Oh damn, I didn’t explain my team development work at all did I? Right put this in, now.’ ‘Slow down, let’s do it right.’ So they continued, Christie despairing at the haste and waste, Marija impatient with the delays and hassles when it was all so obvious.

HOW TO READ THESE DESCRIPTIONS The ways we have of relating to the world are shaped by whether we are rapid or gradual. And (as we shall see in the following chapters) by whether we are an exaggerator or an understater, linear or lateral, and so on for each of the seven evolutionary patterns. Of course most of us have some behaviours from the gradual and rapid ends of the seesaw. Rarely are any of us purely rapid with no gradual elepattern 1: the speed trap 73

ments at all, or exclusively gradual without any dashes of rapid in our life. This is also true for each of the remaining six patterns we discuss in the following chapters. We usually have some times and areas of our life when we display behaviours from each end of the patterns of understanding. Nonetheless, each chapter talks about the characteristics of the strongest examples at each end of the seesaw for each dimension. For example, here we discuss very strong rapids in contrast to very strong graduals. This is to make the differences and similarities very clear. If you are a strong rapid and not at all strong on the gradual end, then the descriptions of rapid processor are likely to fit you quite closely. Similarly, if you are very strong on the gradual side and scored very low on the rapid end, then the gradual descriptions will match you quite closely. As your own score becomes less extreme (on either end) the descriptions will need to be toned down a little and will blur more together. If you scored very strong on rapid and also very strong on gradual, then both sets of descriptions are likely to describe your behaviour quite well. Sometimes in certain places and situations you will be very rapid, while in others you will be very gradual. The combination of each pattern of these behaviours forms our personal communication style. This unique way of being, this attitude or mind-set shapes the way we see other people. It shapes our expectations and attitudes towards others. Usually this influence is subtle and below our normal level of awareness. This book aims to make us really aware of these hidden influences so we can use this knowledge to improve our communication skills.

THE TIMING CONNECTION The ways we have of relating to the world are shaped in part by whether we are rapid or gradual. As a rapid we tend to see things as quicker and faster than they really are. As a gradual we tend to see things as slower and more manageable than they might really be. From the test above we have identified whether you are a rapid processor or a gradual processor or a little of both. You have also identified some other people in your life as rapids and graduals. Let’s now look at how the timing factor affects your ability to understand and get on with other people. To a rapid the world looks like it is fast, or impulsive, or full of opportunities to be seized. If you are gradual the world mostly seems fairly even-paced, manageable, with everything in its season.

74 be understood or be overlooked

matching Rapids match or are comfortable with each other, and graduals match or are comfortable with each other. They are in tune at a subliminal level. Rapid processors are well matched (and get on well) with other rapid processors, but together they can speedily fly off on a tangent to the rest of the group. They may find gradual processors too slow to deal with respectfully. To communicate more effectively with their gradual processor colleagues they could break up their information into smaller manageable bits and wait to get confirmation before going on. Rapid processors need to appreciate the more gradual style of others if they are to be successful in managerial positions, because it is natural for people to proceed more slowly when they are in an induction or learning role. It is valuable to have gradual processors on the team as a safeguard and balance to the impetuous decision-making of the rapid processor. Gradual processors match well with other gradual processor team members, though rapid processors often label them as pedantic, slow, less intelligent or obstructive. On the other hand gradual processors tend to perceive rapid processors (with whom they are mismatched) as impetuous, ill-informed, reactive, and likely to subvert team efforts by hasty, ill-considered actions or decisions. For these reasons rapid processors and gradual processors tend to have a mild distrust of each other’s ability in dealing with problems, projects, or group activities. At worst, this can create hostility that may eventually lead to subversion of the group’s effectiveness.

mismatching Rapid processors and gradual processors are mismatched and often uncomfortable with each other. Such mismatching is the source of prejudice. It is possible for rapids to dismiss graduals as being too uninterested or even uncommitted. Certainly they stretch the patience (or impatience) of rapid colleagues. Gradual people may feel that a rapid person is too superficial and doesn’t give enough thought to things. They often see them as error prone. ‘Yes,’ snaps a rapid, ‘We may make more errors but we seize dozens more new opportunities and open up great possibilities.’ ‘Oh yes, that’s true,’ says the gradual, ‘but some of your impetuous errors are extremely damaging and costly. Just a little more care would save a fortune.’ There is a real (unconscious) sense in which other rapids are seen as ‘good’ if we are rapid ourselves, and graduals are seen to be not quite so acceptable from this vantage point. There is something unfamiliar or uncomfortable about relating with them. Similarly, we find graduals unconsciously prefer graduals and pattern 1: the speed trap 75

don’t feel so comfortable or at ease with rapids. We self select our prejudices! The power of the poor communication that can occur between these two can be summarised by this conclusion: • Rapid processors can be overlooked (by graduals) because they make too many errors. • Gradual processors can be overlooked (by rapids) because they are too slow. Each pattern literally shapes how we see ourselves and how we relate to others. What is familiar is good. What is unfamiliar is uncomfortable. As we found in Chapters 2 and 3, if we are uncomfortable it starts to affect our trust, and therefore problems soon occur. When we are comfortably familiar in our communication with another person they tend to trust us. Communication flows easier, and understanding flourishes. This book aims to help you become more thoughtful about your communication patterns and yet still be genuine in your efforts to establish links and effective connections with others. As we discussed in earlier chapters, whenever we are speaking in a matched or connected way then we automatically, unconsciously understand each other. We feel on the same wavelength. On this dimension, the natural understanding and connection is between people who are both rapid. The other immediate rapport is between a gradual and another gradual processor. Where there is a similarity or familiarity of timing we tend to naturally understand each other and get along.

slow is safe Jasper called Cerwin to his office and announced, ‘What we need is a decision about this outsourcing proposal. Dean wants it for the Board pretty quickly.’ ‘He would want it quickly, everything for Dean is quickly.’ ‘Well be that as it may we need to get our thoughts organised and a recommendation prepared.’ ‘There are so many things to consider in this, aren’t there? There is the cost/benefit of the outsourced service versus doing it ourselves, the people costs in feelings and so on against the savings in dollars, the project management considerations, and so much more. OK, let’s take one thing at a time and consider all the options of each.’ Jasper agreed, and they proceeded to identify each possible component and the various implications of each. They went off and consulted with other colleagues and Cerwin even contacted a few clients to gauge their opinions on several of the transaction costs. Accumulating this data was time consuming and stressful but they kept at it. 76 be understood or be overlooked

Three weeks had passed when Dean stuck his head around the door and said only half jokingly, ‘Have you guys been off on a holiday or something? Where’s the report? What’s the delay?’ ‘No delay, Dean, just careful work towards the best option.’ ‘Seems like a long time. What’s the problem?’ ‘There is no problem at all,’ Jasper says, ‘It just needs to take this amount of time to do the job properly.’ ‘Yep’, Cerwin adds. ‘All the contracts need to be crosschecked, and it takes three hours just to be certain the new costs on each element are not variable under outsourcing.’ ‘Well, I couldn’t do what you guys do’, Dean grudgingly offers, ‘not for the life of me. All that work on the same thing day in and day out would drive me mad.’ ‘That’s why you have us’, Jasper points out. ‘We do it thoroughly.’ ‘That’s for sure. See if you can wrap it up soon though. I’ll get an extension for the board presentation.’ Cerwin and Jasper continued for another week and a half and identified three errors in the earlier plan that had been overlooked. The total savings from spotting these mistakes was close to $3.2 million. ‘More haste, less speed’, muttered Cerwin as they corrected the last mistake. ‘Yes, I really don’t know how they do it’, Jasper added. ‘It’s incredibly bad on many fronts.’ The two graduals worked wonders for the perplexed rapid. In the next case we see an example of two rapid processors and how they live their lives together.

the frenetic dinner party David and Katrina’s party was just beginning. As the five guests arrived Katrina greeted them with a little chicken liver, water chestnut, bacon-wrapped morsel. ‘Hi, Graham, have one of these. Do you like it? Have a drink of champagne. How are you? Want another?’ She darted out to the kitchen, and raced back into the lounge, bumping into Sharon and spilling her drink. ‘Quick, the first course is ready! Must hurry ‘cos it’s going to go downhill if not eaten at just the most perfect time. That’s now. Let’s go. Come on,’ says David breathlessly. ‘Yes,’ says Katrina, speaking over the top of David, ‘it’s scrumptious. We must eat it straight away. Don’t dawdle.’ The plates are whisked away by David after most people have finished, and the conversation turns to a recent film, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. ‘A really wonderful film,’ says Graham. ‘So poetic and moving.’ ‘Yes — slow-moving,’ chips in Katrina, ‘and boring.’ ‘Ah no,’ comments April, ‘it was really powerful and an amazing love story.’ pattern 1: the speed trap 77

‘Yes, but does it really take months of fighting with the desert bandit before they discover love?’ chimes in David. ‘It was only a few days!’ ‘Felt like months. I went and got popcorn and they still hadn’t kissed and got it off.’ As the conversation moved on, Katrina served the duck risotto. ‘Special recipe from Tuscany. Hope you like it. Do you like it? What do you think? David what do they think?’ ‘I’m sure they love it. Don’t you? Eat up; there’s more. How’s the pharmacy Mary? Seconds Robert? Shall we play Pictionary after this?’ The dishes were cleared away, coffee served, after-dinner wine presented, served, discussed and dismissed, and Pictionary underway. ‘Quick. Quick. The timer is running out. Draw more quickly.’ ‘Too slow, come on faster.’ ‘Damn we ran out of time again. What in hell is that drawing supposed to be?’ ‘Hurry it’s our turn again.’ Finally, after the last exhausted guest left Katrina said, ‘They didn’t seem very with it did they? Sort of tired and flat really.’ ‘Yes,’ David agreed. ‘Really low key. Couldn’t make up their minds about anything!’

timing prejudices Rapids may often tend to regard graduals as slow, not committed, unenthusiastic or low key. On the other hand graduals may regard rapids as impulsive, pushy, hyperactive, mistake prone, and reactive. Rapids can feel slowed down and constrained by graduals. Graduals may feel hustled and stressed by rapids. Wherever there is a strong mismatch in these two elements, this kind of unconscious prejudice influences the whole communication. Automatically there is a different sense of meaning, a different emphasis attached to the same subject. Because of this the likelihood for misunderstanding is very strong. Even where there is no difference between the two people, in terms of real meaning, intent and value, they can still feel like they don’t really agree with each other. The world needs both rapids and graduals. Both tendencies are valid and vital to effective teamwork in an organisation. However, maintaining mutual respect and understanding can be a problem when people are mismatched. It is important for people at both extremes not to confuse delivery or communication style with the value and importance of the message itself. If both can modify their behaviours appropriately, they can make a formidable team. Let’s remember that these rapid and gradual behaviours are communication styles. They are not personality types. Rapid folks may be nice or nasty. 78 be understood or be overlooked

Graduals can be good or bad. Either type may be honest or dishonest, cruel or kind. There is nothing positive or negative about being a rapid or a gradual. They are just different styles of influence or connection. What is exciting however, what is good and positive, is that we can maximise our understanding by matching the other style! Let’s see how we might do this.

IMPROVING THE TIMING CONNECTION While the timing pattern reveals our differences it also shows our similarities. We have seen that rapids and graduals are mismatched: instinctively they miscommunicate. But they can improve their skill and level of understanding. On a seesaw you can still swing if you move a little closer to the middle of the seesaw. With communication behaviour it is the same. If a rapid person moves a little down towards the gradual end it dramatically improves recognition and familiarity. If a gradual moves a few centimetres towards a rapid in their conversational style, the understanding increases significantly. This doesn’t require a major personality change. It doesn’t mean hours of self-conscious practice. Just a small step in the other direction achieves significant gains. Like with overseas travel, you don’t have to completely master the host country’s entire language to fit in. If you learn just a few words of the language you are really appreciated. Amazingly you are better understood. Furthermore, with just these few words you also increase your understanding of them. It enhances mutual effective connection. To help you learn these few small words of the timing pattern, we have some exercises and tips for you later on in this chapter.

benefits and liabilities of timing rapids Rapids usually are great at taking the fast decision. They tend to handle crisis situations effectively because they react so quickly. They are energetic and full of possibilities. They never procrastinate. They take in new information and situations quickly and efficiently. On the liability side, rapids can be too quick, and impulsive. They make mistakes. They can be a little clumsy and some are accident-prone. They are fairly easily stressed and are sometimes at risk of burnout.

graduals Graduals are really strong on comprehensive decision-making. They are reliable and committed. They absorb lots of information and retain it for later use. pattern 1: the speed trap 79

Graduals are very patient and consider all the angles before acting. On the negative they can be slow and plodding and miss real opportunities. They tend not to be risk takers and they believe that rapid people take far too many ill-considered risks.

TASK AND TEAM SELECTION Being strongly rapid or strongly gradual obviously helps us to be much better at some tasks than others. It also has something to offer in terms of indicating which may be the most suitable roles in a group or team.

rapid tasks and roles The • • • • • • •

following are good (matched) tasks and team roles for rapid processors: short, quick projects and assignments a job where urgency outweighs perfection hurrying others along providing a sense of urgency handling rapid multi-tasks like a call-centre service person simple, straightforward jobs provoking and driving others in the team.

gradual tasks and roles The following are good (matched) tasks and team roles for gradual processors: • long, involved projects and assignments • complex tasks requiring perfect outcomes • slowing others down • helping to reduce stress and tension • supporting and encouraging people • giving accurate feedback • tasks that require patience.

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR UNDERSTANDING ON THE TIMING FACTOR In your business or other relationships if you are dealing with someone who is down the opposite end of the scale to yourself, how do you use your knowledge from this chapter to increase your understanding and effectiveness in your dealings with the other person? 80 be understood or be overlooked

If you are rapid what are those small steps we referred to earlier that you can take to better understand and be understood by a gradual colleague or friend?

how can rapids appear gradual? You • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

could employ the following tactics: deliberately speak more clearly and correctly put your hands in your pockets or your lap breathe deeply and regularly closely observe the other person silently count to five between each sentence sit still for some of the time; even sit on your hands double your requested delivery timelines think of snails consider that graduals are probably smarter than they seem think of the countryside speak more carefully use words like: gradually, slowly, in time, when it’s convenient for you, there’s no hurry have a gradual colleague help you delegate the task to a gradual colleague consider the other person is hiding their speed for some reason imagine you are old and slow think of the last bungle you made by being too hasty think ‘World Peace’.

exercises Here are some exercises for you to help consolidate your flexibility.

exercise 1 Identify a very strong gradual colleague whom you know. Study them carefully and note the following elements: What do they look like? How do they speak? How do they dress? What do they do when something good happens? What do they do when something bad happens? How do they solve problems or run a meeting?

exercise 2 Using your notes from Exercise 1, give yourself some instructions about how pattern 1: the speed trap 81

you might copy some of these behaviours, words and actions. Next, make a note of the obstacles and difficulties in presenting yourself in this way. Can you think of other ways you could be more like a gradual despite these obstacles?

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a trusted gradual to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role-play and have them critique your presentation in order to refine it and improve it as a more gradual presentation.

exercise 4 This exercise is not so much for changing your behaviour, but is more for assisting you to change your internal feelings about graduals. Over the next month, notice when you react negatively to someone at work or home who is a strong gradual. Make a note of the following: What is your major feeling about them? What is your usual word, sentence or reaction in your head when you’re dealing with a gradual? What is your usual behaviour each time that you react to a gradual? How could you soften these reactions?

exercise 5 Go back and read the section again on the limitations of rapids, and on the benefits of graduals. After reconsidering this again, think about recent situations in which you have judged a gradual. Re-examine those situations in the light of this chapter and make some notes about the positive aspects that might actually be part of their behaviour.

exercise 6 Make a list of the good things that graduals could contribute to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Make a list of the worst or most easy situations in which you’re likely to leap into extreme rapid responses. Think about how you could slow down or reduce your rapid tendency in those situations. How could you avoid this response altogether? Good luck!

how graduals can seem to speed up a bit If you are a gradual and you want to develop more understanding and influence with a rapid friend or colleague, here are some things you could possibly do: 82 be understood or be overlooked

• • • • • • • • •

speak a little bit more quickly move around a little and fidget sometimes use some words like: fast, quickly, short term, rapid response delegate the task to a rapid friend think of racing cars use some jerky movements and actions don’t say: just a minute, slow down, wow where’s the fire? think of how really important this meeting is to you imagine that the other person is a little nervous and that’s why they are speaking so quickly • imagine you are really late and in a desperate hurry • appreciate their level of energy.

exercises exercise 1 Identify a very strong rapid whom you know and respect. Study them carefully and note the following elements: What do they look like? How do they speak? What do they do when something good happens? What do they do when something bad happens?

exercise 2 Armed with your notes from Exercise 1, give yourself some instructions about how you might copy some of these behaviours, words and actions. Next, make a note of the obstacles and difficulties about presenting yourself in this way. Can you think of other ways you could be more like this rapid colleague despite these obstacles ?

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a trusted rapid to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role play and have them critique your presentation in order to refine it and improve it as a more rapid presentation.

exercise 4 This is an excellent exercise not for changing your behaviour so much, but as a means to assist you in changing your internal feelings as you react to rapids. Over the next month, notice when you react negatively to someone at work or home and where you identify this as a rapid/gradual mis-match. Make a note of the following: What is your major feeling about the rapid pattern 1: the speed trap 83

person? What is your usual word, sentence or reaction in your head when you’re dealing with them? What is your usual behaviour each time that you react to a rapid? How could you soften these reactions?

exercise 5 Go back and read the section again on the limitations of graduals and on the benefits of rapids on the pages above. After reconsidering this again, think about recent situations in which you have judged a rapid. Re-examine those situations in the light of this chapter and make some notes about the positive aspects that might be actually part of their behaviour.

exercise 6 Make a list of the good things that rapids could contribute to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Make a list of the worst or most easy situations in which you’re likely to be very strongly gradual and cautious. Think about how you could build up or increase your speed in those situations. How could you avoid them altogether? All the best!

case study in timing ‘She is so impatient and impetuous’, Eileen thought to herself after another hasty meeting with Carol. ‘I always feel so rushed and pushed it’s ridiculous.’ Carol had called the meeting quite suddenly after she had received news that the spring fashions were being reconsidered. This occurred at 10:15 am and the meeting with Carol, Eileen and George was set for 1:00 pm. Both George and Eileen had to change other appointments. Carol started the meeting by quickly running through the news she had heard about the spring fashions. She paced the room and spoke so quickly the others were unsure whether to take notes or just try to remember what they could. ‘We need to change some of our designs urgently. We can’t delay. There is not a minute to lose. George, drop whatever else you are doing and get me some new sketches as soon as possible. Eileen, I want you to rearrange the production schedule and get everyone organised for new work straightaway.’ ‘But don’t we need to talk this through a little more?’ asked Eileen. ‘You always want to do everything so carefully’, snapped Carol. ‘Just get on with it.’ ‘Yes but when should I set up the first production meeting? I suppose I could try to.’ 84 be understood or be overlooked

‘Quickly, as soon as possible, without delay, when do you think?’, Carol interrupted. She continued with lists of further instructions, all with ‘urgent’ attached to them, then said ‘Any questions? No? Well I have to rush, get back to me when you’re both ready.’ And she was gone. Within three hours Carol emailed Eileen twice, and George three times, to change her requests. Several of these changes came after work had already commenced and time was wasted in starting over. Amongst the staff confusion reigned. After two days Carol was berating both her managers for going slowly. ‘Where is the new schedule? Why isn’t it done yet? What are you guys doing?’ Eileen was upset and George became quieter and quieter. They were working as fast as possible, but you shouldn’t rush these things. Mistakes happen when you don’t complete the sketches thoroughly and set up the production schedule carefully. By the end of the week the new schedule was complete and the process worked excellently. The timing even worked fine because several other events occurred which meant that the delivery date was acceptable after all. While pleased inside, Carol was still seething about how her best people had dragged their feet when the pressure was on. The job should have been completed in two days, not five. Didn’t they understand that speed and less perfection were needed. So picky and fastidious when it really didn’t matter! George and Eileen were exhausted and stressed. They completed their work excellently, in five days! Which was about three days faster than normal, but because they worked extra hours they still maintained their normal high standards. Despite this there was still no recognition or appreciation from Carol! What does she expect? How do you please her?

consultant’s analysis Such is the outcome when there is a clash on the Timing dimension. In this case study a rapid processor (Carol) and gradual processors (Eileen and George) are mismatched. Misunderstanding is costly. Because of her focus on doing things rapidly, Carol only concentrates on changing direction, saving time and getting the job completed as fast as possible. She is genuinely perplexed and troubled by the slowness and excessive (and unnecessary) thoroughness of her two managers. She tends to discount what’s required in doing a job well, as opposed to having it completed quickly. Seizing the opportunity is good even if the outcome isn’t perfect. Her perception or mindset of her two colleagues is that they are slow, perhaps unmotivated, even a little opposed to the new schedule. She really emphasised how urgent it was. Speed was of the essence. Why did they ignore her and proceed so laboriously and slowly? If she is a little insecure pattern 1: the speed trap 85

in herself or her role, she may even see the perceived slowness as evidence of their lack of support for her. On the other hand, Eileen and George are also feeling very hard done by. They understood it was a rush job. They were rushing. They tried to do it quickly. They did this job more quickly than ever before, but still it wasn’t good enough. Carol (they feel) is so pushy, impulsive and hyperactive. Push, push, push. She should look before she makes them leap. If she just took a little more care before rushing into things there would be fewer embarrassing mistakes and more efficient output. She is obviously stressed and very stressful to be around. Why doesn’t she take it easy and just let them do their work properly? Clearly she doesn’t trust them because she keeps interfering and looking over their shoulder: Is it done yet? Why isn’t that ready? So on and so on, over and over. Overall, the result is time wasting, lack of recognition, bad feelings and diminished team effectiveness. And this is all so unnecessary. These are all decent people. Carol isn’t really a pushy, harried, poor delegating boss. Eileen and George are excellent workers who are motivated and supportive. So how does it go wrong? When people are mismatched on any of these dimensions they negatively interact with each other in a communication spiral that escalates the problem between them. It is a basic aspect of human communication. If not discussed, shared or addressed, misunderstandings can magnify. In this case Carol becomes more pushy, tense and interfering only because Eileen and George (in her view) are becoming slower and more resistant. From their perspective George and Eileen become increasingly edgy and double-check everything only because Carol (in their view) is becoming increasingly impatient, demanding and critical. The poor communication contributes to even more poor communication.

recipe for understanding The consultant concluded that time expectations should be made precise and clear. When Carol wants a rush job completed urgently she needs to specify when ‘quickly as possible’ actually is. Rapid and gradual processors work to different timing schedules. As we saw, ‘quickly’ for this job for Carol was two days. Quickly for Eileen meant five days. If the exact timing was specified then this gap would have been highlighted at the beginning and then discussed. Both sides need to understand better the differing timing dimension characteristics of the other. Carol should appreciate that George and Eileen are neither resistant nor unmotivated, but are simply much more gradual than herself. They like doing things carefully and properly. They don’t like feeling rushed. Eileen and George need to appreciate that Carol is neither impetuous nor 86 be understood or be overlooked

a poor delegator, but that she likes things to move along and not get bogged down. She is a rapid processor. Carol should slow down when speaking with graduals. Plan meetings with a little less haste. Speak more slowly than normal. Wait to hear what others have to say before racing on to the next thing. Discuss timing expectations and resolve differing expectations in terms of deadlines. Be clear whether speed is really more important than quality in this matter. Listen to the concerns about quality and what is needed to do a good job. Provide acknowledgment and encouragement for working under such a short time-span. She can be positive about and appreciate their concern for quality and excellent service. Resist interfering once the parameters have been clearly defined. Eileen and George too, could adjust to Carol (the rapid) more effectively. They could speak a little more quickly. They might consider shorter timing schedules without immediately resisting. They might voice their enthusiasm as well as their need to do a good job. They could brief Carol more frequently than normal on their stages of progress (this keeps Carol rapidly informed about the long process by giving regular briefings of each small step). They can be impressed with her energy and drive to get things done. She makes a few small errors, sure, but she really accomplishes a lot for the company. To utilise the diversity of the team for the good of all, Carol’s enthusiastic drive and energy could be employed to enable rapid changes of direction when speed is crucial. Eileen and George’s thoroughness and caution could be used to double-check the plan so serious mistakes are avoided and an excellent product is available in a really short time.

IN CONCLUSION In covering this first evolutionary pattern, we have seen how easy it can be to be out of touch. Just a few nonverbal differences in timing and we can feel unfairly rushed and hassled, or else quickly become impatient. The result is that someone is overlooked. With some slight effort though, a sense of familiarity and recognition can be encouraged. Skilful communication occurs. Once trust and respect has developed, there is a power of benefit to be gained from the attributes of rapid processors and graduals when both are working together. The risk-taking flexibility of the rapid, is tempered by the caution and shrewdness of the gradual. The impetuousness is diverting, and yet dangerous levels of it are avoided because of sensible counsel. The next chapter is definitely fun. We look at the second pattern of emphasis: drama queens versus the suave low-key types. pattern 1: the speed trap 87

chapter 5 pattern 2: stretching the point

‘That’s an absolutely ridiculous idea. It’s impossible, it’ll never succeed.’ (Loud, red-faced, anxious.) ‘Well yes, it does have a few wrinkles, but let’s keep talking about it and see if we can’t refine it.’ (Quietly spoken, low-key, calming.) ‘Rubbish! It’s a complete waste of time.’ (Irritated, absolutely distressed.) ‘But maybe it’s not an entire waste, and I thought you wanted these sessions.’ (Gentle, a little uncertain.) ‘It’s a complete waste. I wanted exciting creative sessions not meetings producing rubbish like that!’ (Explosive, dominating, louder.) ‘Well, some discussion that’s creative will tend to go in different directions, but...’ (Quietly troubled, hesitant, trembling voice.) ‘No! I’ve had it, let’s forget the entire idea.’ (Angry, determined, mind closed.) Such a conversation obviously illustrates some poor communication. There is little or no understanding. It represents a particular type of misunderstanding: the clash between a reactive, over-the-top exaggerator in confrontation with a low-key, sensible well-meaning understater. This chapter considers the nature of their conflict and looks at some options for creating understanding and connection between them.

THE EMPHASIS DIMENSION: EXAGGERATORS AND UNDERSTATERS The way we tend to emphasise things contributes significantly to the level of importance others place on those things. With too little emphasis something may be viewed as trivial or not very important. Too much emphasis on something may convey implausibility or overreaction. The result is mismatching. Matched or appropriate emphasis has the effect of conveying just enough to register importance, but not too much to reduce credibility. Your ability to influence others is reduced when you give what you perceive to be the right degree of emphasis to your presentation, but it is nonetheless mismatched with the expectations of your listener. The nature of the emphasis alone will influence the other person’s response, not your content. Any mismatching with the other person’s manner of emphasising things reduces your ability to be understood and influence that person. At one end of the seesaw we have people we’ll call exaggerators and at the other end we have those we might think of as understaters. The first give strong emphasis to most things they talk about. The understaters in contrast really under-emphasise things. Most of us behave in ways that place us pattern 2: stretching the point 89

closer to one end than the other. Some people may be fairly evenly balanced between the two extremes, and they may be considered flexible. As we shall see these two elements can cause people to be quite remarkably different in their thoughts and presentations about exactly the same event.

how do you score? Answer the following questionnaire. READ EACH STATEMENT BELOW. MARK EACH STATEMENT AS: 1 IF THE STATEMENT IS NOT AT ALL ACCURATE FOR YOU. 2 IF THE STATEMENT IS OCCASIONALLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 3 IF YOU AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS FAIRLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 4 IF YOU STRONGLY AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS QUITE ACCURATE FOR YOU.

Be honest. This will give you a benchmark comparison when you reassess yourself at a later date. ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I SHOW MY REACTIONS TO THINGS VERY VISIBLY. I OFTEN TEND TO ACT IN A DRAMATIC FASHION. I OFTEN TEND TO EXAGGERATE THINGS. I GET EXCITED WHEN I WIN OR SUCCEED AT SOMETHING. I THINK A LITTLE BIT OF DRAMA NEVER HURT ANYONE. I GET REALLY MISERABLE OR DISAPPOINTED WHEN THINGS GO WRONG.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong exaggerator. 11 to 17: you are a modest exaggerator. 0 to 10: you are not really an exaggerator. Now try this one: ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I TEND TO KEEP MY FEELINGS TO MYSELF. I APPROACH MOST SITUATIONS IN A FAIRLY BALANCED MANNER. I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH DRAMATIC PEOPLE. I DON’T LIKE BLOWING MY OWN TRUMPET. I BELIEVE IN ‘EVERYTHING IN MODERATION’.

90 be understood or be overlooked

■

I DON’T TEND TO REACT TO PRESSURE.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong understater. 11 to 17: you are a modest understater. 0 to 10: you are not really an understater. Now to see your emphasis pattern as a whole, place your scores on this chart (Place your exaggerator score on the left and your understater score on the right.) 24

19

11

7

0

7

11

19

24

VERY STRONG

VERY STRONG

EXAGGERATOR

UNDERSTATER

What does this reveal about your means of emphasis? Are you a very strong exaggerator and quite modest as an understater or vice versa? Do you score modestly on each side or perhaps very strongly on both qualities? How does this fit with your experience? What does your partner or close friend think? What did they score in relationship to you?

THIS MICRO UNDERSTANDING IN DETAIL exaggerators Wow! This is unbelievably effective. I’m totally committed to this process. Expression: The bigger the better. Exaggerators tend to exaggerate the importance of things and blow things out of proportion. They make mountains out of molehills. They have an enthusiasm, an energy and a noticeable reaction to events. When things are good they are visibly excited and often demonstrative. When things are bad they react quite strongly and negatively. They tend to apply emphasis through their body language and vocal tone in all significant communication. Exaggerators tend to take risks in that they allow their feelings and reactions to be observed. They tend to be good motivators and enthusiastic team pattern 2: stretching the point 91

leaders when they are committed, but they can be damaging to the success of ventures if their approach is negative. They can dominate a meeting and react to problems in an overly dramatic or disproportionate manner. They often exaggerate more to compensate for the boredom that goes with repetitive tasks, and at the same time may become overloaded and overreact if too much stimulation or change exists. They often make excellent creators and ideas people, but are less effective where a calm and consistent approach is required, especially when others are at risk, and need to be kept calm and reassured. They are expansive, have energy, and want to make lots of emphasis. They are creative with the truth and often present things as extremes. They react to life. An exaggerator is the kind of person who, if you encounter them in the office and you ask them ‘How are things going?’, might yell, ‘Everything’s absolutely terrible. It is the worst day of my bloody life!’ In shock, you ask them what disaster has befallen them and they reply ‘The damn coffee machine is busted again!’

exaggerator stereotypes Exaggerators tend to use words like incredible, disaster, impossible, absolutely, definitely, completely, no, yes, rubbish, never, always. Their feelings are often extremes: elated, defeated, despair, ecstasy, boredom, anger, fear, panic, shock, love, delight and excitement. Similarly in terms of behaviour they are: crying, yelling, laughing, pushing, demanding, begging, overreacting. Exaggerators are represented by bungee jumpers, sky divers, racing car drivers, used-car salespeople, football and basketball stars, or they prefer more visible jobs like marketing, advertising and show business. Plastic surgeons and orthopaedic surgeons are often exaggerators. Really famous exaggerators and icons include Moses, Genghis Khan, Errol Flynn, John F. Kennedy, Muhammad Ali, Marx Brothers, Picasso, The Rolling Stones, Sydney Opera House, Guns ‘N Roses, Great Wall of China, Roseanne Arnold in the sitcom Roseanne, Moses parting the Red Sea, All You Wanted to Know About Sex, Atlas (the Greek god who held the world on his shoulders), biblical Samson who boasted about his strength, Elton John, Liberace, Evil Knievel, John Cleese and Madonna.

exaggerator colleagues List the people you know who you think are exaggerators.

understaters Yes, this is fairly useful. This process has some merit. 92 be understood or be overlooked

Expression: Everything in moderation. Understaters play things down. They tend to be low-key and turn mountains into molehills through both their verbal and non-verbal language. It is often hard to tell how things affect them. They provide little body language and minimal voice inflection. They are quiet and may appear to be shy in their overall presentation. They can be overlooked in a meeting and tend to handle crises quietly. This can be a disadvantage when others are more vocally dominant, resulting in their own worthwhile ideas being ignored. It can also be a problem when they require assistance, but do not ask effectively for it. Understaters are more cautious about risk taking and adventurous tasks. Some understaters may be quite vulnerable to risks because they tend to minimise potential problems and difficulties. They stick very closely to the facts and sometimes underrate the importance of those facts. They tend to be excellent at repetitive roles where there is little potential for drama, and can perform well in situations where unflappable and stable behaviour is needed in the face of disruption and distraction. They are excellent as calm, consolidating team leaders. Understaters don’t get overly exuberant about good news and they don’t get overly reactive over bad news. They tend to be very good poker players and are quite likely to be on an even keel about most things. They adapt to life. The understater in response to the same office enquiry ‘How are you going?’, says ‘Things are going relatively well, thank you very much.’ Then if you add, ‘But I thought that your wife died yesterday’, they say with a small smile and a tiny grimace, ‘Yes, well, that is correct, and it has been a little uncomfortable, but I’m coping quite well.’

understater stereotypes Common words include perhaps, maybe, a little, some, sometimes, occasionally, sort of, moderately, possibly. Their favourite feelings are modesty, caution, shyness, quietness, amusement, concern, puzzlement, sadness, pleasure and affection. Behaviours tend to include: asking, suggesting, under-reacting, commenting, nodding, considering. Understaters prefer chess, pottery or stamp collecting as an occupational hobby. They tend to go into accountancy, undertaking, working as mimes and research work. Brain surgeons are understaters. They are in more lowkey, laid-back jobs as opposed to the up-front showing off jobs. Other jobs include engineering, academia and drafting. Most monks are understaters. Examples of famous understaters include Charlie Chaplin, Bill Clinton (‘I didn’t inhale’, ‘I did not have sex with that woman’), Mohandas Gandhi, pattern 2: stretching the point 93

Philadelphia String Quartet, Edith Piaf, Roseanne’s daughter’s boyfriend, David, Neil Armstrong (‘That’s one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind’), David (who slew Goliath), Jesus (washing his disciples’ feet), the Black Knight from Monty Python’s Life of Brian, and Mr Bean.

understater colleagues Who do you know who is an understater?

differences in emphasis In tennis, the serve was miles out for an exaggerator, but a little bit wide as described by an understater. Exaggerators tend to be more flamboyant in their appearance and in their presentation style all the way round. Understaters tend to be more conservative in their appearance and more accurate and factual when describing things. Exaggerators like to show off, understaters like to be more in the background. Exaggerators boast, understaters declaim. If an exaggerator wins first prize in a contest, they are ecstatic and it is incredible news, which everyone knows about within two minutes. For an understater they are mildly pleased and they might tell their best friend when they get home that night. Traditionally children are usually better exaggerators than adults, which is why a lot of exaggerators as adults are viewed by other adults as being childish, rather than as exaggerators. In choosing a restaurant, the exaggerator says ‘Let’s go for a Chinese Banquet — the Beijing is an incredible place, rated the best in the city.’ ‘Nah, don’t be stupid, we can’t go to Luigi’s, it’s the worst dump I’ve ever seen in my life.’ The understater says, ‘Well on the one hand the Beijing is a very nice restaurant which has had a fairly good write-up in the paper recently, whereas Luigi’s, which has had a fairly good reputation, does seem as if its quality has fallen off a little of late.’ How do they interact? Let’s look now at an example of what happens when exaggerators and understaters communicate. Exaggerator: I don’t know why you appointed John to the position; you’ve made a big mistake. The problems in that area are huge. Understater: Well, I thought he’d bring a mixture of skills to the job that’s been lacking. I don’t understand why you think there are ‘huge’ problems. Exaggerator: Well, there are big problems with the way it’s being done already and John certainly isn’t the answer. Understater: Oh, I don’t think the problems are all that big and what we need is a cool approach to work them out. 94 be understood or be overlooked

Exaggerator: What’s needed is a bloody big shake-up and some energy; John’s a wimp; there’s no way he can fix it. I don’t have much faith in him. Understater: I think John is a quiet achiever. I believe he’ll do it well, without a lot of fuss. I’m sorry you don’t agree. Exaggerator: Well, we need more than quiet achievers. What we need are people with more to offer than John.

heart attack! Geoffrey was such a committed understater that he never told his partner he had been having chest pains and breathlessness for several days. When he finally went to his doctor he was rushed to hospital without going home. Directly to the hospital. When his partner found out she was not amused. She was furious at him, and let him have it. If he didn’t have a heart attack before, she was inducing one now! She of course was an exaggerator.

the quiet clerk There was a small team of people in a marketing agency that consisted mostly of female bosses and one male clerk. He was very much an understater, and they were very much exaggerators. In fact, they were concerned that he wasn’t really happy working there, because he didn’t get excited about it every day (like they did). In discussing this evolutionary polarity everyone laughed and he got quite sheepish, because there had been an occurrence several months before in which he had tried to get the attention of the boss concerning a small fire in the storeroom, but he was so minimalist and she was such an exaggerator that she just told him to go away, and that she would deal with whatever the problem was later! In discussing options so that he could become more able to reach her threshold of interest and attention, a consultant devised the idea of having him make up some small cards and write on them in bright colours screaming words like HELP! DANGER! URGENT! CRISIS! All he had to do was to place one of these on his boss’s desk on those few occasions when there was some urgency or some important matter that he wanted to bring to her attention. Three months later, he not only enjoyed this as a change of behaviour, but they all found it greatly improved their sense of how much he was enjoying being in that working environment.

THE EMPHASIS CONNECTION As you can tell each of these sides of understanding are just different to each pattern 2: stretching the point 95

other. It is part of our evolutionary culture that some of us develop these internal cultural traits as exaggerator or understater. It is not better or worse to be an exaggerator or understater, just different. Also it’s important to recognise we are not talking about the accomplishments of people, because exaggerators can be very flamboyant and achieve very little and understaters can be very low-key and quite modest in their presentations and yet achieve significant things. What’s being discussed is the essence of their emphasis, and understanding style. It’s their emphasis in talking and presenting, not their achievements which is our focus. Having identified whether you are an exaggerator or an understater or a little of both, and having also identified as exaggerators and understaters some important other people in your life, let’s now look at how the emphasis factor affects your ability to understand and get on with other people. As an exaggerator we tend to see things as bigger, better or worse than they really are. As an understater we tend to see things as less exciting or less damaging than they might really be. To an exaggerator the whole world looks bigger, greater, nastier, etc., whereas if you are an understater the whole world seems pretty contained and mildly manageable. Other exaggerators tend to be seen as ‘good’ if we are an exaggerator, and understaters are seen to be not quite so good from this vantage point. Similarly, we find understaters unconsciously prefer understaters and don’t feel so comfortable with exaggerators. What is familiar is good. What is unfamiliar is uncomfortable. On this dimension, the natural understanding is between exaggerators and exaggerators and between understaters and understaters. Where there is a similarity of emphasis we tend to naturally understand each other and get along. For example, the choice of a restaurant for dinner when being discussed between two exaggerators goes like this: ‘God the Beijing’s amazing, let’s go there!’ ‘Yes, there’s no doubt about it, it’s one of the most incredible restaurants in the city, it’s been written up more times than any other restaurant, the food’s fantastic, what a great choice.’ They both love the Beijing, and aren’t they good people for having such brilliant taste? The same conversation with two understaters could go like this: ‘The Beijing is quite well written about.’ ‘Yes, I’ve heard some reasonable reports on it too, do you think that we might go there then?’ ‘I think that’s probably a good idea.’ 96 be understood or be overlooked

There is in this case a shared sense of an appropriate choice that is appreciated by each person. When we are matched on the emphasis factor there is a hidden empathy, a basic comprehension that we are both on about the same thing. We get on with the other person. We share the same view of the world. However, when these two factors are not similar there is the tendency for slight misunderstanding or even a dramatic breakdown in our discussions. For example: Exaggerator: ‘Let’s go to the Beijing, it’s incredible. The best food in the city.’ Understater: ‘Yes I’ve heard it’s OK too.’ Exaggerator: ‘OK? It’s incredible — what do you mean OK? Aren’t you really keen about going out?’ Understater: ‘Well, yes I am, but...’ Exaggerator: ‘But what? I mean if you don’t want to go, what’s a better restaurant?’ Understater: ‘No, no, I think that’s a...’ Exaggerator: ‘No, come on, if you don’t want the Beijing, what do you want? Or don’t you really want to go out at all?’ Understater: ‘Oh, dear.’ Oh so easily the mismatching of emphasis can cause the whole conversation to go off the rails.

matching Exaggerators and exaggerators are matched or comfortable with each other. Understaters and understaters are matched or comfortable with each other. They are in tune at a subliminal level. It is literally unconscious understanding. Exaggerators naturally understand and accept exaggeration in each other. They don’t take it too seriously. They share a sense of drama and passion about things. Two exaggerators though, can be quite hysterical if there is a fire! Understaters also accept each other; they don’t underestimate the level of commitment or energy because of the low-key presentation. They really delve into things in the same manner.

mismatching Exaggerators and understaters are mismatched and may be uncomfortable with each other. It is possible for exaggerators to dismiss the ideas of understaters and not take them very seriously. They don’t seem really committed or involved or … pattern 2: stretching the point 97

Understaters may perceive exaggerators as dismissive of their ideas and difficult to persuade. They seem like hustlers, pushy, and sometimes, liars. To an understater, an exaggerator often seems phony and insincere. Ironically insincerity is often a view shared on both sides: Exaggerators are insincere because they blow things up out of all proportion; and understaters are insincere because they tend not to show real energy and commitment at all! Such mismatching is the source of prejudice. In terms of poor communication it is the case that: • Exaggerators can be overlooked (by understaters) as being too over the top. • An understater can be overlooked (by an exaggerator) by being too quiet or gentle.

emphasis prejudices Exaggerators often tend to regard understaters as boring, uninteresting, not committed, unenthusiastic or low-key. On the other hand understaters often regard exaggerators as over-reactors, hustlers, show-offs, liars, insincere, not genuine and too over the top people. Understaters feel overpowered and over-pressured by exaggerators. Exaggerators feel unmoved and unmotivated by understaters. Wherever there is a mismatch in these two elements, there is automatically a different sense of meaning, a different emphasis attached to the same subject. Because of this the likelihood for misunderstanding is very strong. Even where there is no difference between the two people in terms of intent and value, they can still feel like they don’t really agree with each other. Don’t forget these behaviours of exaggerator and understater are communication styles, not personality types. Exaggerators may be nice or nasty. Understaters can be good or bad. There is nothing positive or negative about being at one end or the other. The goal though, is to maximise our understanding by matching the other style! Let’s see how we might do this.

improving the emphasis connection The evolutionary pattern is a continuum with the behaviour of exaggerator down one end and understater, down the other. We can improve our skill and level of understanding by moving a little more down towards the other end. If an exaggerator moves a little bit towards the understater end it dramatically improves recognition and familiarity. If an understater tries a little exaggeration in their conversational style, the understanding increases significantly. 98 be understood or be overlooked

To help you develop better understanding on the emphasis pattern, we have some exercises and tips for you later on in this chapter.

the emphasis loop One way we trap ourselves in relationships, is to get stuck in the emphasis loop. This occurs whenever an exaggerator and an understater get trapped in a communication loop based on their differences of emphasis. They keep circling around each other, the exaggerator making the understater become even more minimising and vice versa, never connecting or understanding each other. The end result is silence, distance or a fight. First loop: Exaggerator: ‘Wow, you look incredibly angry.’ Understater: ‘Uh, no, it’s probably just a little tiredness.’ Second loop: Exaggerator: (bothered by the lack of any real response) ‘Tiredness, rubbish. What’s really going on? Out with it.’ Understater: (feeling really pressured and really uncomfortable) ‘No, no, please, it’s quite alright.’ Third loop: Exaggerator: (really upset now and even more determined to get to the bottom of this) ‘Listen here, you fully explain this right now — or you’re finished.’ Understater: (quite intimidated and unable to think or speak clearly) ‘I’m sorry.’ The end result of the emphasis loop can be domestic violence, or job termination. Some serious action is always taken when both get stuck into the downward spiral of the emphasis loop. It is such misunderstandings that lead directly to failed negotiations and much of the conflict we experience at home and at work. Have you experienced this loop in your life? Think about some of those times and see if you can recognise the pattern. At the end of this chapter, we’ll be offering you some new ways of avoiding this loop and all the difficulties it can bring. Let’s look at this emphasis loop in some more detail using some real case studies.

the neutral, well-meaning motivator Hank Peters is the minimising manager of a busy florist concern. Despite his doubts about his own abilities, Head Office appointed him as manager when the previous incumbent moved on. pattern 2: stretching the point 99

In going through the week’s events with Sally, Susan and Peter, the shop sales assistants, he discusses their work. ‘Our sales seem to have risen a little in the last month. We have actually made something like 20 per cent more than expected. Sally you’ve moved some of those large displays that have been sitting around for a while, so that’s been helpful, and Sue don’t forget to clean the shelves when you take out those name plates. Keep up the attention to people as they come in, I think it’s probably helpful.’ ‘Peter, your sales seem down a little bit, but there’s no doubt that you are settling in so let’s keep it running as it is and we’ll look at it again next week. OK, that will do for now, thanks guys.’ After he leaves, Sally, Susan and Peter have a quick coffee. The conversation is about the meeting they have just completed. Sally is mimicking Hank by saying ‘So, I think things are sort of going alright. So, keep things running the way they are. God! What about all the effort I put in last week? I stayed late every night for hours cleaning all the mess, and did he notice that? Not a bit of it!’ ‘Yes’, chimes in Sue. ‘I mean what about that stupid woman yesterday who ordered hundreds of dollars of stuff and then changed her mind and then I convinced her to come back and take it and I took all that abuse from her and that’s all the thanks I get — a pat on the head!’ ‘I don’t quite understand what you two are saying’, says Peter. ‘I mean he’s a reasonable guy and I think he’s given you reasonable support here.’ ‘Well, you would say that, being his golden-haired boy, wouldn’t you!’

after consultation This emphasis loop is typical with the minimising understater boss. Rarely do staff feel sufficiently recognised by an understater boss. After consultation Hank is aware of this tendency and his staff are also keyed in to asking more directly for recognition. It isn’t automatically assumed that Hank doesn’t care or fails to notice their effort. It’s assumed he is an understater and therefore more low-key in his praise. Staff boast more and elicit Hank’s nods of approval. He might, because he is really quiet and shy, give recognition in practical, rather than personal ways. Just understanding the emphasis dimension starts to improve the situation. Here’s one more example from the personal relationship side of this pattern.

the cautious commitment conundrum Jane and Rob have been dating for some six months and while it seems there has been no suggestion of outside relationships, Jane has increasingly wanted to confirm the permanence and commitment in their relationship. 100 be understood or be overlooked

Rob has equally been troubled by the uncertainties, and has been thinking for some time about how to go about suggesting that they might get married and make it a permanent commitment. Over dinner at their favourite restaurant, sipping champagne, Rob decides to broach this topic with Jane. Hesitantly and speaking softly he says, ‘While we’ve certainly been together for quite a while now Jane and we started off on a fairly good footing and it seems to pretty much have continued in that way, wouldn’t you say?’ Jane, who has had three glasses of champagne to Rob’s one, is all set for a night on the town to celebrate her job promotion from the previous day. She is suspicious about the seriousness in Rob’s demeanour and the hesitancy in his words. A little more loudly than she intended, she blurts out ‘So what’s the problem then Rob?’ Because of his quiet expectancy about moving towards a discussion with her about permanence, Rob is caught off guard by her outburst and stammers, ‘I, I don’t really think there is a problem, do you?’ ‘Well if we can’t have a good time and celebrate my promotion instead of talking serious stuff, then maybe there is!’ Rob’s heart sinks as he imagines that not only is he mistaken about how important and serious the relationship is to her, but also that his small present acknowledging the importance of her promotion has not been well accepted. Feeling increasingly uncomfortable now, and on dangerous ground, Rob takes an evasive position saying, ‘Maybe it’s nothing, let’s talk about your new work.’ His earlier quietness and hesitancy is now compounded by his real discomfort and wish to avoid the subject. This is even more convincing evidence to Jane that Rob is up to something that she isn’t going to like. She sails into it with full steam ahead: ‘No, what’s the bloody problem?’ Her shouting causes other people at nearby tables to look in their direction. Rob is now convinced that their relationship is on the rocks. With a lot of silences and with the occasional visit to the washroom, the couple manage to get things back on the rails for the rest of the evening, but as they part company that night, each has their own view of the distance and difficulty between them that wasn’t there before.

after counselling Counselling with this couple clearly highlighted the loop — a pattern they both acknowledged occurred quite often in their relationship. Instead of labelling Jane as ‘over-reactive’, Rob found the exaggerator/understater mismatch an intellectually acceptable description. Jane still felt Rob was sometimes a ‘wimp’ but grudgingly agreed that they did seem to emphasise pattern 2: stretching the point 101

things in quite different ways. Jane toned down her drama a little and Rob became a fraction braver at saying what he really wanted to say. They gained a little more respect for their differing qualities: Jane’s drama and passion, and Rob’s calming consistency.

BENEFITS AND LIABILITIES OF EMPHASIS exaggerators Winning aspects about being an exaggerator include being energetic, enthusiastic, noisy, lively, noticeable, motivating and entertaining. On the downside, exaggerators can be bossy, pushy, noisy, liars, over excitable, too reactive, and prone to panic. An exaggerator can handle a fire or an emergency very well or quite poorly depending on whether they react appropriately or panic and get into hysteria. At a funeral though, an exaggerator can be a bit like a ‘bull in a china shop’, although the Irish have handled this problem by turning wakes into celebrations. Exaggerators fit right in at the Super Bowl, the Grand Final and other sporting events. Such events also, of course, tend to bring out the exaggerator in all of us. The ‘lynch mob’ mentality is a result of successfully converting a crowd into a mob of exaggerators. In solving problems an exaggerator can magnify the severity of the problem or magnify the brilliance of the solution. They can be very good in terms of selling. Everyone expects to meet an exaggerator when they go to a used car yard. If you wanted to use this quality to make yourself miserable, an exaggerator would focus almost entirely on any negatives and would blow them up out of proportion, while ignoring any positives. Conversely, if you wanted to get up in the morning and feel happy, an exaggerator would focus on how wonderful it is greeting the first day of the rest of your life, and appreciating the gloriousness of the great potential of the day.

understaters As winners, understaters often maintain an even keel. They are able to remain calm and level headed in a crisis. They are supportive even when things aren’t going particularly well. They are reliable and consistent, steady and sure. The downside for understaters is that they can be quiet, not display a depth of feeling, and may seem uninvolved and uncommitted. Within a quiet, laid-back context like reading in bed or attending a symphony concert, it’s probably a useful match to be an understater. Certainly understaters stand out or feel left out at noisy parties and where some presentation or 102 be understood or be overlooked

show is required. Understaters certainly tend to avoid fancy dress parties. In terms of problem solving, the understater plays down the seriousness of the problem and possibly also plays down the value of the solution. It might not be clear when the understater has come up with the solution to the problem, whereas everyone will know about it once an exaggerator has solved the problem. If you want to get up in the morning and be depressed, an understater would simply run through all their achievements and accomplishments and discount the importance of them. In order to make one’s self feel happy first thing in the day the understater might highlight those small things that are normal or matter of fact that could easily be overlooked by an exaggerator because they aren’t big enough or bright enough or loud enough. An understater can take quiet pleasure in the opening of rose petals and the sound of the birds and the warmth of the sun on their face.

TASK AND TEAM SELECTION Tasks and team roles divide up in the following ways:

exaggerator tasks and roles Some examples of these are: • motivating other people • big breathtaking jobs and projects • tasks which are too enormous for others to even contemplate • challenging complacency • jobs in the limelight • marketing/selling roles • public speaking.

understater tasks and roles Good understater roles include: • working in the background • quietly supporting others • encouraging caution and wisdom • second-in-command roles • developing and persevering with people and tasks • jobs that require patience.

pattern 2: stretching the point 103

GENDER AND THE EMPHASIS FACTOR In looking at the gender aspects of this evolutionary pattern, our findings are that men, more significantly than women, tend to be understaters, whereas many more women tend to be down the exaggerator end of the polarity. As we noted earlier, these two aspects are just differences from each other and are developed as part of our history, culture, personality and upbringing. They are the internal and external manifestations of how we emphasise things in our life. Being an exaggerator or an understater is a neutral quality. Nonetheless, it is the displays of these elements, particularly when they are linked to gender, that forms prejudices and stereotypes between the sexes. In our society, this one mismatch on emphasis between men and women is the origin of one of the more common prejudices and stereotypes that occur. Precisely because men are more commonly understaters than women, and because women are more commonly exaggerators than men, there has developed one of the more enduring prejudices of the differences between the sexes. Men are labelled as quiet, unemotional and unfeeling, whereas women are labelled as hysterical and over-emotional. As we have indicated earlier, it is precisely the mismatching of these elements that causes not only communication difficulties but also prejudicial reactions and stereotypes of others. In this case it is usually minimising men who start to label exaggerating women and this enables such prejudicial statements as ‘It’s that time of the month’, ‘She’s pre-menstrual’, and ‘She’s only making emotional decisions.’ On the other side of the prejudicial divide it is more likely that it is exaggerating women who label minimising men as ‘cold’, ‘boring’, ‘rigid’, ‘unfeeling’, ‘uncommitted’, ‘uncommunicative’ and so on. Understanding the emphasis dimension has proven to be an effective way to give each gender a non-judgmental and face-saving way to recognise the differences between the sexes. It allows us to understand and use those differences in a supportive and effective way, rather than a judgmental or negative way. Psychologically, wherever there is difference, we look for evidence of the difference and from that comes labelling and stereotypes. These labels then create an image of their own which reinforces the stereotype and reinforces the divide or the gap between people. The goal in improving effective understanding is to identify difference as normal parts of communication. These differences can be used for more effective communication. It is likely as you read these words in this section, that you may think of exceptions to this gender generalisation. All of us know men who are considerably exaggerating and women who are very minimising. Our survey and consulting work has revealed that while they are a small part of each population, they are still a substantial group. It is also the case that cultural expectations present 104 be understood or be overlooked

some difficulties of matching for these people with members of their own sex, because they also don’t match in expected ways. As a brief example, minimising and serious women are often viewed by their female colleagues as being too much like the men, particularly in senior business contexts. Exaggerating men within business are much more likely to attract stereotypical reactions from their quieter male colleagues as being less stable and more impulsive than the usual male in that context. In different countries too the model naturally applies, but with cultural predispositions. For example people in the USA tend to be exaggerators more so than Australians. Those in Australia tend to be more exaggeratory than Indonesians. Yet inside each country people vary on the continuum and themselves match or mismatch according to the strengths of their emphasis elements.

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR UNDERSTANDING ON THE EMPHASIS FACTOR While having looked at the emphasis factor and identified where you fit and where other people fit, we have discovered that exaggerators are matched with each other and understand each other, and in a similar way understaters are matched with each other. In your business or other relationships if you are dealing with someone who is down the opposite end of the scale to yourself, how do you use your knowledge from this chapter to increase your understanding and effectiveness in your dealings with the other person? Using this model we have discovered that to be understood by a person who is different to you, you don’t have to change your personality or make a major change in the way you go about having a conversation with them. Very small shifts and attempts to match or to meet the person in a way that is similar to their style, causes an immediate sense of recognition and a sense of connectedness. These same principles are used in advertising. Without fully understanding the details of this approach, it’s no surprise that Coke adverts are exaggeratory and wild to match their target audience of young, adventuresome teenagers. Life insurance adverts are naturally much more sedate and conservative to match their older, more minimising audience. Advertising agencies succeed or fail, depending on their ability to accurately match the commercial to the target audience. This is especially the case for the hidden or non-verbal aspects of body language — a crucial aspect of communication. What follows are some basic and important guides to matching the other pattern 2: stretching the point 105

person so as to increase that sense of understanding and effectiveness in your relationships at work and at home.

how can exaggerators minimise? As an exaggerator in a situation where you’re communicating with an understater and you want to be more effective, here are some ideas and tips on how you can really connect and be incredibly successful: • lower your voice a little • speak a little more slowly • dress a little more conservatively • make more ambiguous statements and less definite statements • use less-charged adjectives like ‘sort of ’, ‘probably’, ‘mostly’, ‘sometimes’, ‘a little’, ‘a little more’, ‘a little less’ • be careful to reduce the use of words like: always, never, disastrous, fantastic, incredible, rotten, hopeless. • sit on your hands; in fact, attempt to just sit still • use some grey and colourless props in your presentation • delegate the task to a understater • don’t make too much eye contact • tone down your exuberance • think of cows • be a little uncertain • imagine the other person is restraining themselves in their exuberance • imagine yourself to be smaller and less important than you are • imagine yourself to be a very humble person.

exercises Here are some exercises for you to help consolidate your flexibility.

exercise 1 Identify a very strong understater whom you know. Study them carefully and note the following elements: What do they look like? How do they speak? How do they dress? What do they do when something good happens? What do they do when something bad happens?

exercise 2 Armed with your notes from Exercise 1, give yourself some instructions 106 be understood or be overlooked

about how you might copy some of these behaviours, words and actions. Next, make a note of the obstacles and difficulties from presenting yourself in this way. Can you think of other ways you could be more like this understater despite these obstacles?

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a trusted understater to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role play and have them critique your presentation in order to refine it and improve it as a minimising presentation.

exercise 4 This is an excellent exercise not so much for changing your behaviour, but as a means to assist you in changing your internal prejudice as you react to understaters. Over the next month, notice when you react negatively to someone at work or home and where you identify this as an exaggerator / understater mismatch. Make a note of the following: What is your major feeling about the understater? What is your usual word, sentence or reaction in your head when you’re dealing with the understater? What is your usual behaviour each time that you react to an understater? How could you change this reaction?

exercise 5 Go back and read the section again on the limitations of exaggerators and on the benefits of understaters on earlier pages. After reconsidering this again, think about recent situations in which you have judged an understater. Re-examine those situations in the light of this chapter and make some notes about the positive aspects that might be actually part of the understater’s behaviour.

exercise 6 Make a list of the good things that understaters could contribute to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Make a list of the worst or most easy situations in which you’re likely to leap into exaggerating and think about how you could tone down or delay your exaggeratory tendency in those situations. How could you avoid them altogether? Good luck !

how understaters can exaggerate more If you are an understater and you want to develop more understanding and pattern 2: stretching the point 107

connectedness with an exaggerator, here are some ideas you could possibly use: • speak a little louder • dress a little more dramatically • move around a little during your presentation • use colourful and/or noisy props • delegate tasks to an exaggerator • think of a peacock on display • make more eye contact (you can look at the cheek of the person if you prefer — it will look like you’re making eye contact without you actually having to do so) • use more definite adjectives like ‘definitely’, ‘absolutely’, ‘completely’, ‘utterly’ • reduce the number of vague, ambiguous adjectives and descriptions • think of one dramatic or flamboyant thing that you could do in that encounter • think of how important the encounter really is to you • imagine that the other person is a little insecure and that’s why they are making dramatic and flamboyant statements and gestures • imagine yourself to be bigger and even more important than you are • imagine yourself to be a famous person.

exercises exercise 1 Identify a very strong exaggerator whom you know. Study them carefully and note the following elements: What do they look like? How do they speak? How do they dress? What do they do when something good happens? What do they do when something bad happens?

exercise 2 Armed with your notes from Exercise 1, give yourself some instructions about how you might copy some of these behaviours, words and actions. Next, make a note of the obstacles and difficulties from presenting yourself in this way. Can you think of other ways you could be more like this exaggerator despite these obstacles?

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a trusted exaggerator to watch you make a 108 be understood or be overlooked

presentation on tape or in role play and have them critique your presentation in order to refine it and improve it as an exaggerating presentation.

exercise 4 This is an excellent exercise not for changing your behaviour so much, but as a means to assist you in changing your internal prejudice as you react to exaggerators. Over the next month, notice when you react negatively to someone at work or home and where you identify this as an exaggerator / understater mismatch. Make a note of the following: What is your major feeling about the exaggerator? What is your usual word, sentence or reaction in your head when you’re dealing with the exaggerator? What is your usual behaviour each time that you react to an exaggerator? How could you change your reaction?

exercise 5 Go back and read the section again on the limitations of understaters and on the benefits of exaggerators on earlier pages. After reconsidering this again, think about recent situations in which you have judged an exaggerator. Re-examine those situations in the light of this chapter and make some notes about the positive aspects that might be actually part of the exaggerator’s behaviour.

exercise 6 Make a list of the good things that exaggerators could contribute to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Make a list of the worst or most easy situations in which you’re likely to strongly minimise and think about how you could build up or increase your energy in those situations. How could you avoid them altogether? Now you’re ready!

case study George Karus is the Senior Managing Partner of a medium-sized (30 partners) accountancy firm. As well as being the Managing Partner, George is also a very strong exaggerator. It is the greatest firm in the city and it is his firm. In fact Karus, Stone and Smith is really an extension of George himself. George conducts regular monthly reviews of his managers’ work in progress with clients. Perhaps not surprisingly, many of George’s managers, whom he has recruited, are understaters, and herein lies the seeds for great conflict in Karus, Stone and Smith. pattern 2: stretching the point 109

Exaggerator managers quite often intuitively select understaters as staff because they are quieter, compliant and don’t argue. For instance, when John Peterson comes in on Monday morning and sits on the edge of the chair in front of the large desk dominating George’s room, George grabs John’s report from the latter’s nervous hand and scans it quickly. During the scanning he mutters things like, ‘Christ, I can’t believe this’; ‘No, this is ridiculous!’; ‘Rubbish, we can’t have that.’ George is furious. If these stupid mistakes continue his firm is ruined! How the hell can John be so dense? What’s the matter with these younger guys these days? Don’t they check anything? The guy’s work is fair enough but, gee, if he could just check the entries! Throughout this examination of his last month’s work, John becomes more and more anxious and sweaty — he thinks that he should have brought his Kumfy-Tum tablets with him, and he imagines what it will be like looking for another job during the current recession. As he tries to explain some of the elements of the work that his boss has vigorously criticised, he finds that his voice falters. Even before he can advance many of the arguments, his boss has interrupted and moved onto something else. John leaves George’s office feeling completely demoralised. He feels completely reamed out. George clearly thinks he is incompetent and probably his days in the firm are severely numbered. John feels there is a great gap between his level of performance and that of the expectations of his boss. It also seems that struggle as he might to achieve recognition, he always fails to meet George’s standards.

consultant’s analysis Surprisingly these experiences occur every month and continue to occur despite the fact that John has been securely employed with the organisation for the past five years. Mismatching on this dimension is often quite emotional. Understaters usually experience overreaction as very distressing, yet exaggerators don’t understand what all the fuss is about. Consultancy work with George and his managers resulted in a significant change, quite quickly. The workshop identified the exaggerator boss /understater manager situation and the repeated occurrence of the emphasis loop. George quickly accepted (and dramatically!) that his behaviour appeared to be dominating and negative to many of his people. They in turn recognised that they were more affected by George than they let on. They agreed they really didn’t discuss their concerns in a way that truly revealed the seriousness of the situation. Applying a typical solution to build effective understanding, the consultant looked for ways to improve things without changing people a lot. One idea was to have the managers leave their monthly 110 be understood or be overlooked

reports with George on Friday and not discuss them face to face until the following Monday. This way George was able to rant and exaggerate to his heart’s content over the weekend, without the managers suffering any of it. Later George was more able to quieten his reactive emphasis to explain his points in a more matched and effective way.

recipe for understanding The consultant concluded that exaggerators need to recognise that understaters take their outbursts and drama routines quite seriously. It appears to them as really threatening and too intense. George sees this as ‘just letting off steam’ and ‘a storm in a teacup’, but admits he was surprised about how much it seemed to upset his managers. • Exaggerators need to consider toning down or delaying their reactions. • Understaters need to give more emphasis to their concerns so that they at least get the exaggerator to respond at all. They actually need to overstate the issue before an exaggerator can even hear it. Otherwise it’s just too insignificant for the exaggerator to take seriously. • Understaters can also learn that exaggerators (in this regard at least) are just like kids: they react, make a lot of noise, then it’s all done with.

IN CONCLUSION Having read this chapter and completed the exercises, you are ready to succeed with this second dimension. You now know that if you’re in a job interview, and the chair of the panel says, ‘Well, your c.v. is incredible and you look like an outstanding candidate. Tell us how you achieved all these skills’, that you will lose the job if you look down at the floor, speak quietly and say, ‘Well, um, it was nothing really, er, I , um, sort of, er, just acquired a little knowledge over the years.’ Now you recognise that this is mismatching between an exaggerating panel and a minimising interviewee. You also know how to spot it quickly in the interview itself, and how to upgrade your minimal response to one that better matches the panel. You have now mastered your understanding of the emphasis dimension and absorbed how easy it is for people with similar minds to be poles apart. You’ve practised ways in which you can shorten the distance and bridge the gap more effectively. You might be curious about other ways in which we limit our understanding of others. The next dimension we are going to look at concerns the way we think. pattern 2: stretching the point 111

chapter 6

pattern 3: the logic loop

‘First, I would like to establish our company’s principles, and then outline our past experience. Next I’ll identify the team we’ll be using on this project, and finally I’ll back that up with our proposal.’ (Listing the points on the fingers, speaking authoritatively, sitting still.) ‘Hey, what about opening with a dramatic quote?’ (Excited, moving around the room, gesticulating.) ‘Please, let us do the presentation in the correct manner.’ (Disappointed, haughty, arms folded over the chest.) ‘What’s wrong with a quote, then the proposal, and put all that principle, past experience stuff right at the end?’ (Circling around the room, arms waving, voice raised.) ‘We have always presented our reports in a standard way. It gets confusing if you change that order. Let’s leave it as it should be.’ (Frustrated, voice raised, arms clenched.) ‘Yeah well it’s time for a change! We need to be more creative and dynamic!’ (Dancing around the room, voice more high-pitched, and an edge of desperation in the tone.) ‘That’s enough! There’s no need for this behaviour. I suggest we adjourn this meeting to let things cool down.’ (Tight voice tone, clenched teeth, rigid body language.) Have you experienced something similar to this routine? This interaction highlights the misunderstanding that occurs between people who are at opposite ends of our third communication pattern which relates to thinking. The first speaker is linear, ordered and sequential in their thinking. The second is lateral, liking to brainstorm and skip from place to place, with an innovative and creative thinking style. We will go into more detail about their differences and of course what techniques are needed in order for them to work more effectively and more successfully together.

THE THINKING DIMENSION: LINEAR/LATERAL THINKERS We all store, analyse and communicate information in two distinct ways. Our analytical process can either be linear (sequential, ordered and planned) or lateral (random, creative and associative). These two kinds of analytical processes mix like oil and water, and the people at opposite ends of the scale often have real difficulties in communicating with each other and working together. pattern three: the logic loop 113

how do you score? Answer the following questionnaire. READ EACH STATEMENT BELOW. MARK EACH STATEMENT AS: 1 IF THE STATEMENT IS NOT AT ALL ACCURATE FOR YOU. 2 IF THE STATEMENT IS OCCASIONALLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 3 IF YOU AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS FAIRLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 4 IF YOU STRONGLY AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS QUITE ACCURATE FOR YOU.

Be honest. This will give you a benchmark comparison when you reassess yourself at a later date. ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I THINK THINGS SHOULD BE ARRANGED PRECISELY IN THE CORRECT WAY. TASKS SHOULD BE APPROACHED LOGICALLY, ONE STEP AT A TIME. I LIKE USING A STREET DIRECTORY. I BELIEVE IF YOU HAVE A PLAN, YOU STICK TO IT. I LIKE BOOKS OR FILMS TO HAVE A CLEAR BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND END. RULES ARE MADE TO BE FOLLOWED.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong linear thinker. 11 to 17: you are a modest linear thinker. 0 to 10: you are not really a linear thinker. Now try this one: ■

I PREFER TO FIND MY OWN WAY AND ASK DIRECTIONS, RATHER THAN USE A STREET DIRECTORY.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I ENJOY BRAINSTORMING AND CREATING NEW IDEAS. I OFTEN MAKE ‘OUT OF THE BLUE’ CONNECTIONS AND ASSOCIATIONS. I LIKE QUESTIONING THE RULES. IT’S GOOD TO CHANGE YOUR MIND AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE. I ENJOY A BOOK OR FILM IN WHICH THE PLOT LEAPS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

TOTAL

■

114 be understood or be overlooked

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong lateral thinker. 11 to 17: you are a modest lateral thinker. 0 to 10: you are not really a lateral thinker. Now to see your thinking pattern as a whole, place your scores on this chart: (Place your linear score on the left and your lateral score on the right.) 24

19

11

7

VERY STRONG LINEAR

0

7

11

19

24

VERY STRONG LATERAL

What does this reveal about your means of thinking? Are you a very strong linear thinker and quite modest as a lateral thinker or vice versa? Do you score modestly on each side? Or perhaps very strongly on both qualities? How does this fit with your experience? What does your partner or close friend think? What did they score in relationship to you?

THIS MICRO UNDERSTANDING IN DETAIL linear thinkers Let’s approach this one step at a time. The next obvious step is… Expression: Everything in its proper place. Linear thinkers are focused, ordered, sequential and unidirectional in their thought processes. The linear thinker tends to take things one step at a time in a chronological order or in a predetermined fashion. Linear thinkers are also orderly in the way they approach tasks. They tend to study street directories and follow them in a systematic manner. They like methodical tasks with set routines, rules and well-defined guidelines. Linear thinkers tend to run a meeting by the established rules and find it difficult to be flexible with changes to the agenda or set procedures. They are less comfortable with ambiguous guidelines, tasks and circumstances. They often fail to respond to environmental or contextual changes. Usually they will only answer the precise question asked and not elaborate on their answer. They are skilful at presenting expert evidence in the courtroom, but often not so comfortable with casual socialising. For them, rules rule. pattern three: the logic loop 115

There was a good Larson cartoon illustrating this aspect of a linear thinker’s behaviour. Two cowboys in the Old West were hiding behind their covered wagon, shooting at the circling Indians. The Indians were firing flaming arrows at the cowboys, and one cowboy turns to the other and says, ‘Hey, they’re lighting their arrows! Can they do that?’

linear stereotypes Linear folks often use phrases like: ‘First we do this, next we do that’, ‘Let’s put things in order’, ‘The agenda is’, ‘That’s not in the rules’, ‘Here’s the plan’, ‘The correct procedure is’, ‘The proper way to do that’, ‘Meetings should start on time’, ‘There’s a right time and place for most things.’ Feelings tend to be ordered: controlling, responsibility, tiredness, certainty, self-confidence, pessimism, self-righteousness and caution. Behaviours are likewise: directing, leading, criticising, encouraging, pointing, motivating, pushing, exhorting, controlling, resisting, ticking things off on their fingers. The occupations and hobbies favoured by linears include: accountants, auditors, neurosurgeons, air-traffic controllers, stamp collecting, bank managers, engineers, watchmakers, librarians, IT programmers, explorers, chess or solitaire. Famous linears are Martin Luther, Margaret Thatcher, Noah (leading the animals two by two into the ark), Descartes, the Queen; the Road Runner, John Howard (Prime Minister of Australia), railway lines across Texas, the Canadian Prairie or the Australian Outback, Leonardo da Vinci, and Michelangelo.

linear colleagues Based on your own score and the information you have just read, who do you know who is probably very linear?

lateral thinkers There are so many ways we can approach this. Forget about Step 1, let’s go on to Step 4 and consider that suggestion again… Expression: There’s more than one way to skin a cat. Lateral thinkers enjoy working in a broad context when making decisions, planning actions or solving problems. They move from one aspect of the problem to another with no discernible connection or linkage to matters previously discussed. They initiate ideas often without others understanding the basis for their leap of thought. As leaders they are innovative and creative in their thought processes and often save groups from being bogged down in set paradigms or fixed opinions. 116 be understood or be overlooked

Lateral thinkers use street directories creatively (if they use them at all) and tend to give directions based on the context of a location, such as a familiar store, park or other landmark, rather than map co-ordinates. They are usually comfortable with handling several different tasks simultaneously. They are not well suited to rigid guidelines and highly structured situations and will look for some unique vantage point from which to make a contribution. They are prone to stray from meeting agendas and may manage time inefficiently. This is especially true when completing tasks where little innovation is required or when meeting deadlines is more crucial than having a perfect solution or plan. They relate well when they are able to ask questions and formulate ideas based on what often appears to be a random or unpredictable order or process. They tend to have variable routines and may have so much flexibility that it is difficult to pin them down to definite arrangements. Lateral people often don’t directly answer the question they are asked, if at all. They often answer a question with a question. In terms of meetings and rules, they are agenda benders. They are often late for meetings and cause them to run over time. They are not the world’s best time managers.

lateral stereotypes They often use phrases like: ‘On the one hand...but on the other hand,’ ‘Where did I put my glasses?’, ‘Let’s do this; no, on second thoughts, let’s do that’, ‘Let’s re-examine our whole premise’, ‘Do it anyway’, ‘What rules?’, ‘Ask for it anyway, even if it isn’t on the menu.’ Their feelings are less restrained than their linear colleagues: energetic, confused, passionate, reactive, angry, sad, hopeful, optimistic, expectant. The behaviours are also all over the place: interrupting, shouting, searching, questioning, challenging, laughing, and crying. Laterals choose hobbies or occupations such as comedians, artists, epidemiologists, advertising executives, marketers, architects, charades or Pictionary players. Famous laterals include Einstein, Galileo, Monty Python, Billy Connolly, Gough Whitlam, Picasso, Rubik’s Cube, Gary Larson, Socrates, Wile E. Coyote, The Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao, Spain.

lateral colleagues Now make a note of any strongly lateral people you know.

thinking dimension differences Linear thinkers are predictable and constitutional. They believe in antecedents, constitutions, rules, procedures and the past. They rely on pattern three: the logic loop 117

precedents and a solid foundation for starting any communication. They like to set the stage, prepare the agenda, and know where they stand, before commencing. They are formal and constrained, logical and efficient. They follow patterns and are reliable in debating issues. Lateral thinkers invent new rules, ignore old ones, go off on tangents, and are innovative about everything. The slogan, ‘Today is the first day of the rest of your life’ was designed by a lateral. They start out in left field, from nowhere, heading in the wrong direction, changing premises and ideas mid-sentence. Laterals are informal and flexible, creative and challenging. They can pronounce on a belief one day, and yet genuinely support the opposite view on the next. How do they interact? Linear: To get to Sally’s place, we go straight down the highway until we get to the junction and turn right. Lateral: Why don’t you turn off before the junction? You know how bad the traffic is at the junction. Linear: It’s the simplest and most direct route. Lateral: But it’s a waste of time. Look, turn left up Johnson Street, right into O’Shea Street and wander through the quiet suburban streets. Linear: But it’s not very direct is it? Lateral: No, but it’s an option that will save us time. Everybody drives on the highway. Linear: I’ve never thought of doing that. Lateral: Let’s do it. Who knows what we might find on the way? It will be fun. Linear: Your idea of fun, maybe. I’m sticking to the straight and narrow or I’ll get lost. Lateral: Who cares?—we’ll find our way out. Linear thinkers can become easily distracted and unable to assimilate new information if it is not provided in a sequential manner. If faced with a difficult task or if the instructions necessary for completion of the task are given in a lateral manner, they can become quite ineffectual. On the other hand, lateral thinkers tend to become bored, and are unlikely to be as creative or to absorb material if they are given a very sequential and step-by-step delivery of ideas or information. In a meeting, an understanding manager will allow for some broad, freeflowing discussion of the matters that need to be decided while also structuring some linear progression through those various decisions in an attempt to accommodate both styles. It is also useful, however, when a linear plan is arrived at, to allow for some 118 be understood or be overlooked

additional lateral discussion. It is often only once an idea has been fully defined that the lateral person will bring up other factors that may impact greatly on the desired outcome. They do not always perceive this until some progression takes place. Does this frustrate all card-carrying linears! It is still important for the manager to summarise the discussion and conclude in a linear fashion. This achieves closure and completeness of the discussion.

the bride wore green Kaz and Richard were driving in the country, listening to the jazz on the CD player and watching small towns float past. ‘Did she end up marrying him?’, Kaz interjects above the music. Richard was very quiet. He was processing the data. ‘Did who end up marrying whom? When? In which decade? And now you mention it, in which continent might this mysterious wedding have taken place?’ ‘Christine, silly. Did Christine end up marrying what’s his name?’ ‘Who’s Christine and who’s what’s his name?’ ‘Oh you remember that guy you worked with for six months on the Telkom project, Bert or Barry or Benedict or something.’ ‘Ah, you mean Benjamin from three-and-a-half — no, five years ago?’ ‘Well did she?’ ‘Did she what?’ ‘Marry Ben?’ Richard is still sorting data into: Australia, 1997, a wedding between Ben and Christine in Sydney, near the harbour, early evening. ‘Oh. Er, yes I believe so.’ ‘Hmmm, she was too good for him.’ Richard stayed quiet. After 15 minutes he says, ‘Kaz, just out of sheer curiosity, and because there’s nothing else to do except drive, would you mind telling why, in the middle of our holiday, out here in the middle of nowhere, after five years, you suddenly enquire about that wedding?’ ‘Dunno.’ ‘No come on, why now?’ ‘Oh let’s see. Oh yes. Well we just passed a BP service station.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And its colours are green and gold.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And you have that same colour green folder at work.’ ‘Yessss.’ ‘And you bought that folder during the Telkom job.’ pattern three: the logic loop 119

‘Yep.’ And that’s when you first met Ben … and that made me think of the wedding.’ ‘… and that made you think of the wedding. Of course.’

THE THINKING CONNECTION What contribution does this pattern of thinking make to your understanding and effectiveness with others? Strong linear thinkers tend to see a fairly ordered and planned world. They get upset when things don’t run according to plan or expectation. ‘It’s not fair.’ ‘That’s not right.’ ‘They ought to make a law about that.’ When things happen at random, or out of sequence they try to control it and impose their direction. Strong lateral thinkers see an exciting, ambiguous, haphazard world. They interact here and there, expecting change, unplanned variability, and variety. They react to being forced into a straightjacket of rules, laws, procedures, timetables and agendas.

matching Linear thinkers are matched with other linears. They are familiar, recognisable, and comfortable. They are easily understood. Because they are matched, two or more linears can manage a discussion very efficiently and effectively. Time is managed perfectly and all agenda items are addressed and all outcomes are achieved. They can also be boring, and predictable. The outcomes may be efficient, but they are rarely exciting, breathtaking or fun. Such an encounter may seem superficial and predictable to a lateral. Lateral people are naturally compatible with their lateral colleagues and friends. Their compatibility ensures an exciting energetic meeting that roams all over the place. Time is shredded, not managed. Past decisions are revisited and reworked. Some meetings produce no outcomes at all, while others create some outstandingly awe-inspiring ideas. It sometimes looks like a mess to a linear person.

mismatching and stereotypes Linear thinkers and lateral thinkers are mismatched with each other. Without trust, they can be amused, irritated, confused, dismissive or judgmental with each other. Even with respect and trust they can still be amused, irritated, confused, dismissive and judgmental with each other! 120 be understood or be overlooked

Linear people can sometimes perceive lateral thinkers as scatterbrained, disorganised or illogical. They feel that lateral people are unable to keep on track, and if allowed to proceed unchecked would go down all sorts of sidetracks and prevent the group from achieving its goals efficiently. Lateral thinkers are not well matched with linear thinkers, whom they may perceive as rigid, or uncreative and boring. They feel that linears are obsessed with rules and protocol. They are seen as narrow-minded people who miss out on variety and alternatives. The classic poor communication clash is: • Linear thinkers can be overlooked (by laterals) as being too pedantic, inflexible and uncreative. • Lateral thinkers can be overlooked (by linears) as being illogical, scatterbrained, fickle and indecisive.

thinking prejudices Linear thinkers often think that laterals are illogical because they can change their mind apparently with ease. Lateral thinkers often may feel linear types are inflexible and uncreative.

the neurotic nervous nellie Sally was concerned about how the training seminar for her company’s executive group was proceeding. As HR director she had interviewed four consultants and easily decided on Francesca, but now she was not so sure. She had interviewed the four in her own style; random questions from out of the blue, unexpected exercises, and surprise activities. The three men had been boring and accordingly thrown by the process, but Francesca sailed through it. But now Sally was not so sure. Francesca, after only 20 minutes of the first session, suddenly seemed to be too concerned with order. The executives were looking bored and there was still two days to go! ‘OK’, Francesca was saying, ‘we are agreed then: we will take an hour for lunch as planned.’ ‘Too rigid’, Sally thought to herself. ‘We could always take half an hour and see how people feel then’, she suggested. ‘No, one hour it is’, Francesca stated. Sally worried, but on went the session. An hour later Sally was worried again. Francesca asked the group to divide into two and evaluate separately the elements of the coaching program. ‘Wouldn’t it be better to run this session as a whole group? There are only 11 of us’, she suggested. pattern three: the logic loop 121

‘It could be effective that way too, but I want to see what differences if any might show up between the small groups’, Francesca replied. The group nodded their agreement. Sally worried. The day went on. Near the close of the first day, it happened again! Francesca was asking the group their ideas for succession planning and simply listing them in order on the whiteboard. Sally couldn’t stop herself: ‘If we did some brainstorming about this, it might produce some really unexpected options, don’t you think?’ Francesca’s smile was a little tighter now. ‘That’s a good idea, but at this stage we want to see the nature of people’s thinking before we generate new options.’ ‘Yes, drop it Sally’, said the finance director. ‘It’s going fine.’ The session went on. The next day Sally was still worried and Francesca was still concerned about being ambushed during her session. Their quiet chat together over drinks last night hadn’t really achieved much clarity or agreement. The morning session seemed to go well and Sally relaxed a little. Then Francesca said, ‘OK. We have these ten items that we need to put into some kind of priority order. A good method is to assign rankings using the sheet I’m passing out now. First, put in the ten choices, then rank each one in each pair, and then add up the numbers each choice received.’ Sally had to intervene. ‘That’s pretty organised, couldn’t we just discuss the options and reach agreement that way?’ The group groaned. ‘No’, Francesca replied sweetly, ‘this is more efficient.’ Sally worried quietly. The afternoon wound to the final stages. The two days were neatly summarised with a list of key behaviours, set in priority order, which were agreed and signed off by the group. Sally then said, ‘We should take those key behaviours and go back to our company’s customer service ideals and see if that might change the order or importance of any of the behaviours we have agreed on.’ ‘No, because that would, er...hmmm...that’s actually a very clever idea Sally’, Francesca conceded. ‘It does permit us to revisit the behaviours from the perspective of customer service. That is crucial for effective leadership qualities. An inspired suggestion. Let’s do it.’ Sally beamed. Francesca, the careful linear, survives the constant variability and change ideas of lateral Sally and still manages to recognise a good lateral idea when she hears one. 122 be understood or be overlooked

chaos and kindred spirits The End of Time advertising agency was busily engaged on a new project. ‘So the client wants something to promote their firm of business advisers.’ ‘Such boring people, business advisers. We need something really dramatic for this, hey?’ ‘Yep. How about “We don’t just give advice — we live it.” Something like that would catch on. ‘No, no, it wouldn’t at all. What’s the core of what they are about?’ ‘Helping organisations solve their people problems.’ ‘Helping organisations waste money.’ ‘Coaching managers to develop their own competence.’ ‘Hey, yeah, “Don’t leave on a stage coach, take a life coach!”’ ‘Great Sid.’ ‘Yeah cool.’ ‘This is staged, not paged!?’ ‘No, no, I know, “Where is your future? In your own hands!”’ ‘Many hands make slight work.’ ‘The theme is still missing, coaching, supporting, what’s that bull they say? Oh, value added. Can we use that?’ ‘Sure, the valued-added coaching firm.’ ‘Value-addled firm more like it!’ ‘Hey, it’s dark outside, where did the day go?’ Laterals playing together just generate creativity and also tend to have fun. They also use up lots of time!

improving the thinking connection While the thinking pattern reveals our logical differences it also shows our similarities. The continuum is about how we structure our thoughts. The middle ground covers the way we express our ideas in some kind of sequence. The sequencing is either very ordered or else it is random. To help you develop better connections on this thinking pattern, we have some exercises and tips for you later on in this chapter.

benefits and liabilities of the thinking pattern Linear thinkers are usually good with logical methodology. They bring order to chaos and panic. They tend to achieve a sense of control and manageability with complex, confusing circumstances. On the liability side, linear people can be over-controlling and dismissive of ‘illogical’ or ‘irrational’ ideas. They need help sometimes to be silly and have fun. pattern three: the logic loop 123

Lateral thinkers are really good at creative brainstorming and developing exciting ideas unexpectedly. They are open to all sorts of possibilities and are rarely constrained by anything. They are often exciting. On the negative they can be so exciting they may be a bit too unconventional and challenging. They may take too many risks and are not the best time managers.

TEAM AND TASK SELECTION ON THE THINKING PATTERN Team roles and certain tasks clearly lend themselves to linear thinkers, while their lateral colleagues are well suited to different aspects.

linear roles and tasks Some examples are: • formal reports and presentations • legal reports and expert witness appearances • auditing and evaluation • managing time • establishing and maintaining procedures • keeping people to the task • quality control • providing consistency • doing boring but intelligent tasks • working in an organised, structured environment.

lateral tasks and roles Examples include: • impromptu speeches and presentations • unexpected projects and activities • surprising others • creative and innovative situations • brainstorming • challenging dogma and complacency • conducting complex or multiple tasks at once • doing fun things • working in an ambiguous, unpredictable environment.

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UNDERSTANDING THE THINKING PATTERN In your business or other relationships if you are dealing with someone who is down the opposite end of the scale to yourself, how do you use knowledge gained from this chapter to increase your understanding and effectiveness in your dealings with the other person? If you are linear, what are the effective actions you can take to better understand and be understood by a lateral colleague or friend? If you are lateral, what sequencing behaviour is needed for you to be familiar to a linear?

how can linear thinkers appear a little more lateral? To be better understood by your lateral colleagues, try some of these options: • deliberately speak less clearly and less precisely • dress down a little • be more flexible • change directions occasionally • are you sure your order of things is the best way? • move about a little • take one suggestion in five and see where it goes • think of Cook, Columbus and discoveries • accept interjections • consider that laterals are probably smarter than they seem • make a few errors • use words like: sort of, kind of, sometimes, pretty much, I’m not sure, maybe • have a lateral colleague help you • delegate the task to a lateral colleague • consider the other person is really very clever and subtly logical • imagine you are having fun • think of the last time you laughed at yourself • think of face painting and watching caterpillars.

exercises Here are some exercises for you to help consolidate your flexibility on this dimension of thinking.

exercise 1 Go to a childcare centre and study the children for one hour. Yes — one whole, long, wasteful hour. Analyse the activities of the children carefully. How do they organise themselves? pattern three: the logic loop 125

How do they decide when to change activities? How do they have fun? How could you do even a fraction of what they do? Make some notes (in order of importance).

exercise 2 Who do you know who is illogical and scatterbrained? Use them as a model. How do they behave differently to you? Give yourself instructions about how you might copy some of these behaviours, words and actions. Next, make a note of the obstacles and difficulties in presenting yourself in this way. Can you think of other ways you could be more like a lateral thinker despite these obstacles?

exercise 3 Arrange for a trusted lateral thinker to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role play and have them critique your presentation in order to mess around with it and make it a more lateral presentation.

exercise 4 This is designed to help you identify how precisely you started to be uncomfortable with lateral thinkers. Pay attention to when you are reacting negatively to someone at work or home who is a strong lateral thinker. Make notes of the following: Does their behaviour remind you of someone? What is your major feeling about them? What is your precise reaction to them? How could you change this?

exercise 5 Re-read the sections on the limitations of linears and the benefits of lateral thinkers. What does this challenge in your evaluation of yourself? Could you develop any of the positives about lateral people in a way that might increase your flexibility when dealing with them?

exercise 6 Make a list of the really good things that lateral friends have contributed to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Consider the worst error you have made as a direct result of being so definitely linear in your thinking pattern. Think about how you have missed some lessons from this incident. How could you take this opportunity to incorporate those learnings? 126 be understood or be overlooked

exercise 8 Identify a strong lateral-thinking colleague or friend whom you know. Study them carefully and note the following elements: What do they look like? How do they speak? How do they dress? What do they do when something good happens? What do they do when something bad happens? How do they solve problems or run a meeting? How could you develop some of these behaviours? Good luck !

how lateral thinkers can seem to be a little bit sequential and planful To be better understood by your linear contacts try these ideas: • speak a little more properly with excellent pronunciation • be still more often • use some words like: first, next, precisely, definitely, no, absolutely • delegate the task to a linear friend • think of staying on the tracks • think absolutely in a straight line • arrive on time • end on time • do everything in the correct order • don’t say, ‘Hey, have I an idea for you’, ‘Why not?’, ‘Let’s forget the rules’, ‘Try something different.’ • think of how really important this meeting is to you • imagine that the other person is worried and that’s why they are speaking so carefully • imagine you are in control • appreciate their level of control.

exercises exercise 1 This will be painful for you. Study some basic mathematics again as if for the first time. It requires rote learning. It demands step-by-definite-step progression. It requires prerequisites; section one must be done before you can do section two, and so on, and so on, and so on. What good does this system achieve? How do you react? pattern three: the logic loop 127

What sets you off the most? What benefits are there in the order and sequencing?

exercise 2 From your notes from Exercise 1, think how you might incorporate some of these behaviours, words and actions. Next, make a note of the obstacles and difficulties about presenting yourself in this way. Can you think of other ways you could appear more like a linear thinker despite these obstacles?

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a trusted linear to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role play and have them critique your presentation in order to refine it and improve it as a more linear presentation.

exercise 4 Were you ever very linear in your thinking and presentation? Make a note of the following: What is your major feeling about the linear person? What is your usual word, sentence or reaction in your head when you’re dealing with them? What is your usual behaviour each time that you react to a linear? What can you learn from this?

exercise 5 Go back and read the section again on the limitations of laterals and on the benefits of linears on the pages above. After reconsidering this again, think about recent situations in which you have judged a linear. Re-examine those situations in the light of this chapter and make some notes about the positive aspects that might be actually part of their behaviour.

exercise 6 Make a list of the good things that linears could contribute to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Make a list of the worst or easiest situations in which you’re likely to be very strongly lateral. Think about how you could build up your sequencing in those situations. How could you avoid them altogether? All the best!

case study ‘Oh hell, he’s so rigid and inflexible. How can this organisation ever hope to 128 be understood or be overlooked

become more dynamic and flexible?’ Jane (Director of Corporate Affairs) sat silently seething as Geoff (Director of Finance) wound up his address to the Executive. Jane had given up 15 minutes ago. Earlier she had tried to challenge and redirect the discussion. Geoff had started out in his predictable manner; all prepared and meticulous. Overheads of the main points. Notes for each person, sequentially numbered with footnotes, antecedents and precedents. Totally boring. No vision. No passion. Just familiar, more-of-the-same strategic planning without the strategy. ‘First’, he enumerated, ‘we need to consider our core business. Second we must examine the context; third we need to…’ ‘What about some consistent culture change?’, Jane interrupted. ‘Surely we need to reintegrate the culture?’ ‘I was coming to that matter in several moments, if you would just let me continue.’ ‘Well, why don’t we start there? It’s fundamental to this whole session.’ ‘Things need to be covered in the proper order or else there can be no sensible discussion.’ ‘Oh, rubbish. We must change our culture to incorporate our new acquisitions. The need for this is unquestionable.’ ‘Well I don’t accept that. We never do things in that way. There is an established protocol here that requires…’ ‘No way. Protocol was made to be changed. Let’s get right to it. This culture of ours really needs…’ ‘Jane, that will do’, said the Chair. ‘Let Geoff complete his presentation.’ Jane sat back and quietly sulked. What is it with Geoff, and the Chair for that matter? Can’t they see the real danger we’re in? Geoff is so inflexible — talk about tunnel vision! Nothing seems to deflect him from the straight and true path. Yet the changes needed are crucial and we need to be flexible in this fast-changing world. He must like comfort and security. Everything in its place and a place for everything. There is no place for people like that anymore. Geoff finished his presentation successfully, but he was a little thrown by Jane’s outburst. Why is she so disorganised and illogical? It wasn’t even her turn to speak! And that stuff about cultural change. Never needed it in all my years in finance. Just not relevant or substantiated by the facts. She always goes off on a tangent and gets all stirred up about something or other, then a couple of months later its some other big issue. Sometimes even an issue she argued against previously! Irrational woman.

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consultant’s analysis More mismatching mayhem. Jane is a strong lateral thinker, while Geoff is decidedly linear in his approach. They really miss their understanding of each other. The only time they intersect is when they clash with each other. Geoff is actually quite intelligent and very perceptive — features Jane misses because they are masked behind his formal, standard approach to things. He likes agendas and rules. He will accept change but only if it can be shown to fit into some logical framework. He is really uncomfortable with intuition and unreasoned data. He can be a little inflexible but he isn’t obstinate. He likes order and appropriate timing. He respects facts and well-presented argument, and therefore can be put off by associative ‘out of left field’ thinking. Jane knows that rules are people made and can be changed. There is nothing sacred about agendas, constitutions, and procedures. She often misunderstands that linears do not share this view. Because she is really clever and faster than Geoff in spotting the fundamental issues, she is annoyed with formality. Why can’t we just cut straight to the core issue? She has a crisp logic which is associative and not sequential; therefore the connections aren’t so easily visible. Especially to a linear person. People like Geoff wind her up (as she does him) and so the characteristics of each get worse.

recipe for understanding The consultant concluded that: Jane needs to respect formality and not see it as a security blanket for linears but rather a systematic method of approach to the matter under discussion. She should strive to tolerate sequential discussions, even contributing to the agenda beforehand to ensure that her items appear in an ordered fashion. She could then present her ideas in a more matched fashion to give the linears more time to adjust to her leaps of new direction. • Geoff should really lighten up a little. He can be a dash too irritated with divergences, deviations, and unexpected topics. What’s the harm? He could then actually follow a deviation and see where it leads. Sure it takes a little more time (and Geoff is a keen timemanagement expert) but he could give it a go! While rules are there (often for years) it doesn’t mean they are necessarily right, or the best or unchangeable. Geoff could consider that someone who approaches a topic in an unexpected way might be smart and operating on good data that he just hasn’t seen yet. • We need good linears for timekeeping, setting agendas and keeping us focused on the task. Laterals are valuable for discovering breathtaking ideas, challenging conventional wisdom and joining the dots outside 130 be understood or be overlooked

of the square. Both linears and laterals (if they can respect each other) are essential for good outcomes.

IN CONCLUSION The linear/lateral dimension is the stereotypical way that differences between men and women are popularly portrayed (e.g. John Gray’s book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). It is generalised that men are linear and women are lateral. This generalisation uses the common biases and prejudices we identified above, namely linear thinkers (men) believing lateral thinkers (women) are scatterbrained and illogical, while laterals (women) feel in their bones that linears (men) are boring and inflexible. This reinforces the differences between the sexes. However, we have suggested that both men and women can be strong linear thinkers, or be strongly lateral. Our social patterning does mean that women more than men tend to be more lateral, but the balance is there. There are many male laterals, and lots of female linear thinkers. Furthermore, the socialisation is changing. More women than men are now taking out top scores in science, mathematics, and engineering! The most important point is that when we make a match (linear with linear or lateral with lateral), then understanding occurs and people are not overlooked or discounted. Some effort at communicating in the other person’s dialect makes a match. With this understanding comes the appreciation of their differences and unique contributions. This ensures not only understanding but also innovation, creativity and truly interactive development. The following chapter explores the fourth pattern of focus. This dimension has some alignment with linear/lateral, which tends to reinforce the popular biases and differences. Yet thinking and focus are not always perfectly aligned as we shall see.

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chapter 7

pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus

‘Can’t you see it? This firm comprehensively operating as an e-commerce venture.’ (Charismatic voice, dramatic gestures, passion and energy.) ‘But so many dot.coms have gone broke recently. Precisely what safeguards are you planning?’ (Sitting, making notes, cautious.) ‘A completely seamless, Internet-driven, customer-service-oriented company. All of us need to be trained on the Net and get our minds focused on this new direction.’ (Self absorbed, strong voice, emotional.) ‘Well, have you thought about the hardware and software costs, the extra training required for all of us, how we will survive the down time during transition, and more particularly how we will make productive links to other home pages?’ (Very cautious, making lots of notes, restlessly shifting in the seat.) ‘Details, details! We can sort all that out later. The important thing right now is are we all on board?’ (Some passion, fewer gestures, irritation.) ‘Well these little details as you put it, can make or break this concept. We really need to cost things carefully and plan for unexpected difficulties.’ (White-faced, fixed in the chair, uneven voice.) ‘Aren’t you part of this team? Don’t you want us to succeed?’ (Surprised, confused, taken aback, dismissive.) Such an encounter is very common between those of us who are mismatched on the focus pattern of communication. The concept person (the first speaker) is really open to the big picture and the vision. They often drive groups in new and exciting directions. The detailer (the second speaker) has trouble grasping the vision until they can fit the details together. For them the devil is in the detail. This chapter explores the complexities of this pattern of understanding and will help you with techniques for achieving successful dialogue and outcomes.

THE FOCUS DIMENSION: DETAILER/ CONCEPTUALISER The fourth dimension of influence is that of focus. Most situations involve a need to be familiar with both the detail and conceptual framework of whatever is being discussed. However, we vary in the focus we bring to tasks. At one end of the scale we have those we’ll call detailers, and at the other end, conceptualisers. To communicate successfully with a detailer about an exciting concept you need to be prescriptive and detailed in your presentation. To communicate pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus 133

successfully with a conceptualiser you need to talk about the big picture—the context, or in some cases the goals and outcomes to be achieved, or even the background or theoretical framework for the discussion before launching into the details. Detailers need a build-up to a concept through the provision of specific details, usually linked to something they already understand. To gain the attention and support of a conceptualiser, you need to start with the desired end and then fill in the details necessary for attainment of the goal.

how do you score? Answer the following questionnaire. READ EACH STATEMENT BELOW. MARK EACH STATEMENT AS: 1 IF THE STATEMENT IS NOT AT ALL ACCURATE FOR YOU. 2 IF THE STATEMENT IS OCCASIONALLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 3 IF YOU AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS FAIRLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 4 IF YOU STRONGLY AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS QUITE ACCURATE FOR YOU.

Be honest. This will give you a benchmark comparison when you reassess yourself at a later date. ■

IF YOU TAKE CARE OF THE SMALL THINGS THE BIG THINGS TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I ALWAYS NOTICE THE DETAILS IN THINGS. I CONSIDER MOST GRAND SCHEMES ARE ILL CONSIDERED. ANY COMPLEX MATTER STANDS OR FALLS ON THE ATTENTION TO DETAIL. I RARELY DAYDREAM. TO WORK, THINGS NEED TO BE EXACTLY RIGHT.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong detailer. 11 to 17: you are a modest detailer. 0 to 10: you are not really a detailer. Now try this one: ■

I GET IRRITATED WITH TOO MANY DETAILS.

134 be understood or be overlooked

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I ENJOY COMING UP WITH BIG SCHEMES AND IDEAS. CLOSE ENOUGH IS GOOD ENOUGH. I OFTEN DAYDREAM. IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN SOMETHING YOU CAN ALWAYS MAKE IT HAPPEN. I AM A ‘BIG PICTURE’ PERSON.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong conceptualiser. 11 to 17: you are a modest conceptualiser. 0 to 10: you are not really a conceptualiser. Now to see your focus pattern as a whole, place your scores on this chart:(Place your detailer score on the left and your conceptualiser score on the right.) 24

19

11

7

0

7

11

VERY STRONG

19

24

VERY STRONG

DETAILER

CONCEPTUALISER

What does this reveal about your means of focusing? Are you a very strong detailer and quite modest as a conceptualiser or vice versa? Do you score modestly on each side? Or perhaps very strongly on both qualities? How does this fit with your experience? What does your partner or close friend think? What did they score in relationship to you?

THIS MICRO UNDERSTANDING IN DETAIL detailers Let me see all the details. There are some points to address before we make the decision. Expression: The devil is in the detail. Detailers examine each specific element that is essential to achieving a task. They may make lists of the facts or issues to do with a decision or project. They may resent being diverted from this process and will refuse to look at the bottom line or the policy, concept, or outcome under consideration without first gathering what they perceive to be all of the relevant details. pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus 135

Detailers excel at tasks where accuracy is essential to the achievement of the goal, and we would expect to find that watchmakers or those engaged in fine assembly tasks are often detailers. (Flight controllers and neurosurgeons should definitely be detailers!) Detailers are more confident once a project has been scoped and clear information is available about the background, the expected end results, a time frame and resource allocation. At their worst, detailers often can’t see the forest for the trees and become inefficient or unable to make decisions, as new information constantly comes to hand. Detailers are not well matched with conceptualisers who seem quite uninterested in ‘mere details’. They experience a greater degree of security and confidence when working with other detailers, rather than enduring the perceived ‘airy fairy’ approach of conceptualisers. Detailers could practise looking for the common element or unifying principle in all their details. Chunking together related groups of details may help them to communicate more effectively with conceptualisers.

detailer stereotypes Favourite words include: precisely, in point of fact, actually, look here, exactly, finite. Detailers often have precise feelings: curiosity, perfectionism, and concentration. Their notable behaviours are pointing out things, listing things, adding up things, noting, studying, examining. Work and hobbies of detailers might include classical composers, auditors, air traffic controllers, engineers, surgeons, IT programmers, statisticians, editors, proofreaders, archaeologists, palaeontologists, stamp collecting, crossword puzzles, carpenters, cabinet-makers (even more detailed than carpenters), biologists. Some famous detailers are Muhammad Ali, Noah, (with his exact pairs of each and every animal), Rembrandt, Mozart, John Howard, Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Hannibal Lecter, McDonald’s hamburger chain.

detailer colleagues Considering the descriptions above, and using your own score as a detailer/conceptualiser, who among your colleagues do you consider to be a strong detailer?

conceptualisers What’s the bottom line? Here’s my vision for the future… 136 be understood or be overlooked

Expression: I have a dream. Those concerned with the overall concept need to have the purpose and context of the matter addressed before they can be comfortably engaged in the task. Details may seem irrelevant to them and better left to others, or they are happy to pick up the details after establishing the bottom line. Conceptualisers tend to make good motivators and marketers. They are the people with vision and goal orientation. They are initially concerned about the value of the project or task, and until they are satisfied that the basic goal can be achieved and is worth achieving, their involvement is tentative. Occasionally in a meeting about a task they may overlook an important detail or be slow to move to action because the concepts are so enjoyable to discuss. Conceptualisers could begin to break up their vision into smaller discrete sections. Attentive discussion with a respected detailer is very constructive.

conceptualiser stereotypes Words often used are: imagine, big picture, bottom line, outside the square, just think — we can do it, vision, the future, the new millennium. Feelings are often ones of excitement, passion, enthusiasm, confidence, arrogance, and superiority. Work and hobbies of conceptualisers may include architect, anthropologist, philosopher, politician or charismatic leader, inventor, round-the-world sailor, abstract artist, daydreamer, charades enthusiast, philosopher, landscape gardener, traveller, extemporaneous cook, collector of a particular set of paintings or objects. Famous conceptualisers include Martin Luther King, Frank Lloyd Wright, Mulder from The X-Files, Nelson Mandela, John F. Kennedy, Picasso, Joern Utzon (architect of the Sydney Opera House), Stanley Kubrick, Quentin Tarantino, Winston Churchill, Bob Hawke (‘By the year 2000, no child will live in poverty…’, this was also exaggeration!)

conceptualiser colleagues Who do you know who are probably strong conceptualisers?

differences in focus Detailers are heads-down fine-tuners. Conceptualisers are heads-in-theclouds visionaries. The former, study every line of the restaurant bill, while the latter scarcely glance at the bill at all. Detailers never miss the fine print but often overlook the reason for having the contract at all. They can get a 400-page contract exactly right but miss the reality that the product is pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus 137

already obsolete. Those who focus on the concept can really create breathtaking schemes, but ignore the need for a zoning permit. They can design an incredibly beautiful and innovative 400-metre running track to go on a 380metre strip of land. How they interact? Conceptualiser: It’s agreed, we need to take the sales figures from 300 to 500 in twelve months. Detailer: How are we going to do that? Conceptualiser: What, do you think it’s too ambitious? Detailer: No, but how are we going to do it? Conceptualiser: It’s achievable. Do you believe it can be done? Detailer: Well, I suppose if we put on another person or two, and change our marketing strategy, anything is possible, but the details aren’t clear. Conceptualiser: Oh, details, details. Now, that’s settled. What’s next on the agenda? Detailer: No, but how precisely are we going to do that?

the deaf watchmaker Graeme had planned the leadership workshop down to the last detail. First there was the program overview, then the seven elements of the program. Each element was broken down into units, and each unit had a range of initiatives and exercises. There were 85 pages in the document he handed out to the other consultants at the start of the planning meeting. Celine couldn’t even bring herself to open it. She sighed quietly and hoped she and Graeme wouldn’t have another one of their usual fights. Jim was pleased that Graeme had done so much work. He always liked having the extra detail because it helped him to think more conceptually. Somehow the wealth of detail was reassuring; encouraging even. John had read all the pages and was making detailed notes already. If it wasn’t for him and Graeme this firm would still be designing and refining the great Australian leadership program. Celine took a deep breath and said, ‘Graeme this is great but the bottom line is our contract is only for $12,000. There’s enough detail here for a $40,000 job! First we need to decide on a basic cheap framework and only then should we get into the detail.’ John said, ‘You haven’t even read it Celine.’ Graeme added, ‘Yeah I know it’s a small job. But we can’t really decide what’s in and what’s out without considering all the possibilities, surely!’ ‘Oh rubbish. You guys go on and on like this every planning meeting we 138 be understood or be overlooked

have. You have to sort out the big picture first before you can get into the relevant detail.’ ‘We go on every meeting! Look who’s talking. And you still haven’t opened it.’ Jim coughs and says, ‘Er guys come on. The details are great. Celine’s argument is also spot-on. Come on let’s work together on this. We aren’t really that far apart are we? OK?’ John opened his mouth to argue, and shut it again. Graeme said, ‘Fine with me. I mean I guess it would help to think about the reasons for doing it one way compared to another.’ ‘Absolutely!’ Celine says, ‘Sure. Look, what about Foundations of Leadership as a frame. That way we get in the basics from your book Graeme and don’t have to worry about the emotional quotient and change material for this program. We could sure use that material in another bigger job though.’ ‘Yeah, that could work I suppose’, said John grudgingly. ‘Graeme we could leave out all the stuff on pages 23 to 37, the material on page 12, and the wrap-up part, yes?’

THE FOCUS CONNECTION To a detailer the world is full of crucial, significant facts and figures, which are the same facts and figures that can drown a conceptualiser in too much detail. The conceptualiser’s world is a big-picture one-liner; fully occupied with setting directions and painting horizons. One has a fiddly, focused world; the other an open unlimited canvas.

matching Detailers find other detailers familiar and easy to understand. They have the same focus and interests. They combine well for audits, editing and all detailed conversations. Conceptualisers really enjoy envisioning the future with other concept or ‘big picture’ people. Together they dream or connect on the core issues of any matter.

mismatching Detailers and conceptualisers are mismatched with each other. Detailers find it hard to even grasp the subject matter with a concept person, as their pie-in-thesky pictures seem so unrealistic and fantasy like. Conceptualisers on the other hand, are often irritated by the apparent negativity and demotivating responses pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus 139

of the detailer who seems to ask lots of picky, trivial, troubling questions. Detailers are overlooked (by conceptualisers) because they are petty nitpickers who can’t see the forest for the trees. Conceptualisers are overlooked (by detailers) because they are impractical dreamers who can’t see the trees for the forest.

the counter is out by 1 in 25 mm Zac had worked for six months on the kitchen. The overall concept was rustic, and the details made it perfect. He had demolished everything in the room of the old kitchen. The earth floor was re-laid with oak joists and aged planking, bolted not nailed. The kitchen counters were individually designed and constructed: hidden catches, dovetailed joints, tiled tops with matched grouting, ceramic sink, copper taps, and a built-in microwave like an old wood oven. It was impressive. The walls were dug and scraped back to the original brick. Then cleaned and sealed. The ceiling was aged and resurfaced appropriately. The lights were modern but skilfully selected to blend into the era. Painted, cleaned up, tested and made ready. Now for the decisive test: a visit by Zac’s father — the world’s most detailed perfectionist. ‘Will he like it, do you think?’ Zac asked his wife. ‘Sure he will. You are almost as perfectionist as he is. You’ve slaved over this kitchen for ages. Of course he’ll like it.’ Zac invited his father to dinner, and to see the newly finished kitchen. Zac was anxious. His father came in and looked around. He nodded approvingly. Then his face clouded a fraction. He left the room. Zac was perplexed. His father returned carrying a spirit level he had found in the shed. He placed it on the kitchen counter top next to the sink. ‘Ah’, he said, ‘the level is out by 1 in 25 mm. It’s a pity you didn’t take off the extra little bit, Zac.’ The dinner was quiet.

the world is available for the taking The directors of Semmings Pty Ltd were having a strategy meeting. ‘China is it. No doubt about it.’ ‘Absolutely! What with their World Trade Organisation status it is really going to be a great opportunity for us.’ ‘Sure is. Now, we have that joint venture possibility in the north-west. Shall we pursue that?’ ‘Definitely. You know that group from your work in Singapore right?’ ‘Yep.’ 140 be understood or be overlooked

‘They’re reliable and know what they’re about?’ ‘Yes I’m sure of it.’ ‘Great — our world is really opening up.’ ‘It’s good isn’t it? Can’t you see it, The Semmings/Chan Corporation?’ ‘Brings tears to my eyes.’ ‘OK, so what’s needed next?’ ‘Well I guess a trip to China to check out the Chan’s venture and start the paperwork.’ ‘Great. So what, by the end of June, d’you think?’ ‘Yes, I think so.’ ‘Goodo. Better run it past our accountant I suppose, but let’s make the plane bookings and get underway.’ ‘Absolutely!’ The accountant noted many details about Chinese regulations, joint-venture documentation, visa requirements and so on. She also suggested that the Semmings director shouldn’t even get on a plane unless the Chans put some pre-payment for expenses into the Semmings account. The directors brushed these annoying details aside. Eight months later the directors were down by $28,000 with no prospect of a Chinese joint-venture company on the horizon.

focus prejudices Detail people tend to use the following labels to describe conceptualisers who don’t make any effort to match with them: • dreamers • superficial • airy-fairy • head in the clouds • unrealistic • impractical. Conceptualisers in contrast, think these kinds of things about stubborn detailers they encounter: • boring • unmotivated • negative • tunnel-visioned • picky • trivial. pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus 141

Any project or venture will tend to benefit from the involvement of both detailers and conceptualisers. Therefore detailers need to be able to understand some big-picture ideas, while conceptualisers need to appreciate how important little details can be to the success of their overall scheme. Remember, it was a tiny O-ring seal that caused the Challenger disaster — a tiny detail that killed many astronauts and nearly destroyed the entire US space exploration program. Let’s see how the detailers and conceptualisers might improve their connection with each other.

IMPROVING THE FOCUS CONNECTION The effort required to match with one’s opposite number on this dimension is not as great as may be imagined. At the heart of any matter, whether it is an argument, project, presentation, speech, or holiday, are two elements. One is the goal or bottom-line outcome, and the second is the detail that helps achieve that outcome. Everything has a concept and detail — a big picture, and the small component parts. The exercises are designed to help you appreciate the commonalities in each.

benefits and liabilities of focus Detailers love detail. They spot nuance, and variation from the prescribed order with ease. They are excellent at the ‘how to make it work’ analysis. They notice the little things that many people discount or ignore. Their downside is to be in tune with their prejudices; they can be narrow in focus, nitpicking and fussy. They can be critical of the type of clothes you are wearing when you’ve had an accident. They can miss the general mood while concentrating on an insignificant detail. In short, they can miss the forest for the trees. Conceptualisers are often inspiring and motivating. They can be great change agents and charismatic leaders. They create visions out of nowhere, which are often breathtaking and often very successful. They are often excellent at zeroing in on the crucial core issues, especially in complex matters. On the negative side, they can be impractical and blind to small crucial barriers. They can be visionary about things that are truly impossible. The bottom line or the vision can become an obsession that drives out all opposition and alternatives.

142 be understood or be overlooked

TASK AND TEAM SELECTION detailer task and roles Detailers clearly are well fitted out for: • auditing • proofreading • editing • accounting • minute-taking • ensuring compliance • spotting the difference.

conceptualiser task and roles Conceptualisers are suited for: • after-dinner speeches • motivating people • being change agents • innovative ideas • creating new possibilities.

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR UNDERSTANDING ON THE FOCUS FACTOR how can detailers get the bigger picture? Some ideas for detailers to practise include: • become partners with a conceptualiser • take a larger perspective • collapse small details into larger chunks • let go of the little bits and pieces • closely observe the other person • think about what is needed to hold all the little bits together • don’t use words like precisely, exactly, specifically • do say things like, imagine, sort of, out in left field • look at the background, not just the foreground • study and read about abstract art • look at the Sydney Opera House • think landscape, not portrait.

exercises Here are some exercises for you to help consolidate your flexibility. pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus 143

exercise 1 Identify a very strong conceptual colleague whom you know and perhaps admire. Study them carefully and note the following elements: What do they look like when they are excited about a concept? How do they speak? What do they do to arouse interest and motivation in others? How do they identify a concept? How do they solve problems or run a meeting?

exercise 2 Using your notes from Exercise 1, give yourself some instructions about how you might copy some of these behaviours, words and actions. Next, make a note of the obstacles and difficulties in presenting yourself in this way. Can you think of other ways you could be more like a conceptualiser despite these obstacles?

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a trusted conceptualiser to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role-play. Have them critique your presentation in order to refine and improve it as a more conceptual presentation.

exercise 4 Take a recent fairly complex project you have not been involved with that is now satisfactorily completed. Describe the outcome comprehensively. What is the completed task like? Work your way backwards gradually unravelling the big picture to identify the details that contribute to this outcome.

exercise 5 Go back and re-read the sections on the limitations of detailers and the benefits of conceptualisers. After reconsidering these, think about recent situations in which you have judged a concept person. Re-examine those situations in the light of this chapter and make some notes about any positive aspects of their behaviour.

exercise 6 Make a list of the good things that conceptualisers could contribute to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Make a list of the worst or easiest situations in which you’re likely to leap 144 be understood or be overlooked

into extremely detailed responses. Think about how you could open up or expand your detailed tendency in those situations. How could you avoid them altogether? Good luck !

how conceptualisers can sweat the small stuff If you are a conceptualiser and you want to develop more understanding and influence with a detail friend or colleague, here are some things you could possibly do. • speak a little more precisely • make notes while you are conversing • use words like: precisely, in point of fact, specifically, exactly • delegate the task to a detailer friend • think of little tiny bits • think basic elements • make lists • don’t say: imagine, big picture, concept, visualise, the bottom line • think of how really important this meeting is to you • imagine that the other person is really excited by the idea • appreciate their level of intensity • think of the acoustic problems with the Sydney Opera House.

exercises exercise 1 Identify a very strong detailer you know and respect. Study them carefully and note the following elements: What do they look like? How do they speak? What do they do when something good happens? What do they do when something bad happens?

exercise 2 Armed with your notes from Exercise 1, give yourself some instructions about how you might copy some of these behaviours, words and actions. Next, make a note of the obstacles and difficulties about presenting yourself in this way. Can you think of other ways you could be more like this detailed colleague despite these obstacles ?

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a trusted detailer to watch you make a presenpattern 4: focus hocus-pocus 145

tation on tape or in role-play and have them critique your presentation in order to refine it and improve it as a more detailed presentation.

exercise 4 This exercise will assist you in changing your internal feelings as you react to detailers. Over the next month, notice when you react negatively to someone at work or home and where you identify this as a detail/conceptual mismatch. Make a note of the following: What is your major feeling about the detail person? What is your usual word, sentence or reaction in your head when you’re dealing with them? What is your usual behaviour each time that you react to a detailer? Change it.

exercise 5 Go back and read the section again on the limitations of conceptualisers and on the benefits of detailers on the pages above. After reconsidering this again, think about recent situations in which you have judged a detailer. Reexamine those situations in the light of this chapter and make some notes about the positive aspects that might be actually part of detailer behaviour.

exercise 6 Make a list of the good things that detailers could contribute to your way of understanding and doing things.

exercise 7 Make a list of the worst or easiest situations in which you’re likely to be very strongly conceptual and visionary. Think about how you could build up or increase your detail skills in those situations. How could you avoid them altogether? All the best !

case study The architect and the builder were meeting in the partially completed offices of Danes, Slater and Grey. The architect’s plans were spread on the trestle table in front of them. ‘So exactly what’s the distance supposed to be between the computer socket and window ledge?’, asked the builder. ‘Well let’s see’, the architect replied, thinking ‘Does it really matter that much; it’s the idea of raised computer outlets which is brilliant.’ ‘Er, well they need to be close. Yes, pretty close.’ 146 be understood or be overlooked

‘Yeah but exactly how bloody close?’ ‘Oh, maybe five centimetres?’ ‘Is it or isn’t it? And another thing, this window film, precisely where and how do you want it applied?’ ‘Ah, the film, yes.’ Thinks: ‘Another great concept which provided the client with privacy, but also let in the light so as to open the whole interior space. Superb idea. But these endless details. Can’t this guy figure it out himself?’ ‘Well we want it to let in the light and open up this area, yet also provide sufficient privacy. See?’ ‘See what? You want the film over the whole window? The bottom half? In squares or what?’ ‘Oh don’t bother me with details!’

consultant’s analysis The conceptualiser Architect is destined to be in conflict with the detailer builder. By nature and training the architect is geared towards the overall concept or the bigger picture. He really thinks that others also understand the concept as he does and can therefore ‘know’ the details required to put the concept together. He is frustrated when they don’t see it as he does. Detailers seem so negative and obstructionist. The detail builder is only able to think of the big picture through a series of detailed parts. Without understanding all the detail then no overall understanding of the concept is possible. The architect seems to him like a woolly-headed, impractical dreamer.

recipe for understanding The consultant concluded that: • The detailer needs to stretch out of his normal frame of reference a little, to see the symmetry of the overall design. In this way the details will become a little more variable and not so rigidly fixed. Ask questions about what outcome is intended; be curious about the development process itself. • If the conceptualiser can also be curious about the nature of the detailed parts that constitute his grand scheme, then he will be better able to connect with the builder. Ask questions about the raw elements. What does the nature of the material contribute to the whole? How do the parts fit together? What needs to come first? Second? What difference do different materials make? • In most situations both elements of this focus dimension are valuable pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus 147

in what they offer. The details help us be practical and ensure the thing stands up and withstands the elements. The concepts allow for new ground to be broken, and for old things to be used in new and innovative ways.

IN CONCLUSION This dimension has examined how we focus our communication on the details or the overall concept of the matter. Effective influence between these two polarities ensures a diversity of focus. Skilled integration of this aspect of focus would have allowed the US space program to be implemented without disasters and the Sydney Opera House to look magnificent and have excellent acoustics! These elements in the work context mean that the details are incorporated into a grand design that works. From focus we will move on to the dimension of evaluation. Why do some people always blame themselves, while some only blame others? How does this affect our influence skills? Find out in the next chapter.

148 be understood or be overlooked

chapter 8

pattern 5: the blaming game

‘You really seem to have done a pretty poor job on that seminar last week.’ (Standing up, arms folded, sharp voice tone, judgmental.) ‘Yes I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did wrong. Maybe I was just too serious or something. I really had trouble with that group. I’m sorry.’ (Quietly spoken, hands wringing, eyes lowered.) ‘It’s just not good enough. They are very important clients of this firm.’ (Standing taller, sharper voice tone, leaning closer.) ‘I know. I know. I’m really upset. I tried everything I knew. I really lost it somehow.’ (Sinking further down, a wobble in the voice, close to tears.) ‘Well, let’s hope you get the seminar right next Wednesday.’ (Smug, calm.) On the surface this looks like a compatible dialogue. The first speaker, who is an other-evaluator, is critical of the performance of the second person, the self-evaluator. They both agree with the nature of the criticism: it was the second speaker’s fault. Looking deeper however, this pattern of evaluation reveals tensions and unresolved conflicts that ensure that costly misunderstandings will continue to occur. Let’s look at the differences and opportunities for self- and other-evaluators to understand each other.

THE EVALUATION DIMENSION: SELFEVALUATOR/OTHER-EVALUATOR Our way of evaluating things affects our receptiveness to feedback and new ideas. At one end of the scale we have self-evaluators, who tend to be inward looking and take responsibility for all outcomes. This adds a self-questioning flavour to all their interactions. At the other end we have other-evaluators, who focus externally and therefore have the opposite view of who is responsible for outcomes. They look at others or blame others when things go wrong.

how do you score? Answer the following questionnaire. READ EACH STATEMENT BELOW. MARK EACH STATEMENT AS: 1 IF THE STATEMENT IS NOT AT ALL ACCURATE FOR YOU. 2 IF THE STATEMENT IS OCCASIONALLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 3 IF YOU AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS FAIRLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 4 IF YOU STRONGLY AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS QUITE ACCURATE FOR YOU.

150 be understood or be overlooked

Be honest. This will give you a benchmark comparison when you reassess yourself at a later date. ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG I TEND TO BLAME MYSELF. I TEND TO APOLOGISE TO MAKE THE PEACE. I OFTEN DOUBT MY OWN BEHAVIOUR. CRITICISM TENDS TO HURT ME A LOT. I FEEL I OFTEN LET OTHERS DOWN. I FEEL REALLY BAD IF I MAKE A MISTAKE.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong self-evaluator. 11 to 17: you are a modest self-evaluator. 0 to 10: you are not really a self-evaluator. Now try this one: ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I AM OFTEN CRITICAL OF OTHERS. I NEVER APOLOGISE UNLESS I KNOW FOR SURE I’M WRONG. WHEN THERE’S A PROBLEM IT’S RARELY MY FAULT. I TRUST MY JUDGMENT MORE THAN I TRUST OTHERS. I RARELY MAKE MISTAKES. IF YOU WANT A JOB DONE WELL, DO IT YOUR SELF.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong other-evaluator. 11 to 17: you are a modest other-evaluator. 0 to 10: you are not really an other-evaluator. Now to see your evaluation pattern as a whole, place your scores on this chart: (Place your self-evaluator score on the left and your other-evaluator score on the right.) 24

19

VERY STRONG SELF-EVALUATOR

11

7

0

7

11

19

24

VERY STRONG OTHER-EVALUATOR

pattern 5: the blame game 151

What does this reveal about your means of evaluating? Are you a very strong self-evaluator and quite modest as an other-evaluator, or vice versa? Do you score modestly on each side? Or perhaps very strongly on both qualities? How does this fit with your experience? What does your partner or close friend think? What did they score in relationship to you?

THIS MICRO UNDERSTANDING IN DETAIL self-evaluators I got that wrong. I’m sorry — I should have anticipated your question. Expression: It’s all my fault. When things go wrong, self-evaluators tend to assess their own contribution and their need to change in a critical or evaluative manner. They tend, at least initially, to overlook the role of others’ contributions and behaviour when assessing what has happened. They tend to take too much responsibility for delegated tasks. In team situations it is unhelpful to disagree with their initial reaction, which is usually to take an unfair share of the blame when things go wrong. They feel they did wrong and overlook the role of others. By matching their assessment and initially agreeing, a good leader can enable them to shift focus from their own contribution to look at others’ roles. As team leaders, self-evaluators tend to be very demanding of themselves and take responsibility for the whole team. They often create an environment that encourages people to question their own performance and abilities. Studying the context to find other explanations for the problem, may be helpful. Discussing events with a colleague who is an other-evaluator and supportive of your ideas may expand understanding of the problem.

self-evaluator stereotypes Self-blaming persons may use phrases like: ‘It’s all my fault’, ‘I’m to blame’, ‘I’m responsible’, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘Excuse me’, ‘I hope I’m not in your way’, ‘Forgive me’, ‘I didn’t mean to’, ‘There I go again’, ‘Oops’, ‘I’, ‘Me’, ‘My’, ‘Self ’, ‘If only...’, ‘Please’, ‘My fault’, ‘Should’, ‘Why didn’t I?’ Their feelings are compatible: sadness, sorrow, penitence, lack of confidence, obsequiousness, self-doubt, self-criticism, self-analysis, self-awareness, acceptance, guilt, fear, anxiety, shame. 152 be understood or be overlooked

Behaviours tend to follow suit: apologetic, perfectionist, stressed, frowning, brownnosing. Occupations and hobbies of self-evaluators could include tattoo-wearers, writers, monks, comedians, criminals, social workers, actors, figure skaters, lighthouse keepers, Greenpeace supporters. Famous self-evaluators include Mother Theresa, Patrick White (Nobel Prize-winner: ‘That wasn’t my best book’), Bob Hawke, Joan of Arc, Nelson Mandela, Mohandas Gandhi.

self-evaluator colleagues Make a list of any self-evaluators you may know.

other-evaluators You’re wrong! You should have briefed me better. Expression: Why don’t they fix it? Other-evaluators tend to evaluate the contribution of others and assess or blame others for negative outcomes before evaluating their own input and responsibility. With delegated tasks they tend to be overly concerned about comparing their areas of responsibility with what others are responsible for, and can be unreasonably concerned about the performance of others, instead of concentrating on their own outcomes. They may be inclined to shift responsibility on to others. They are strategically well placed in environments where it is important to analyse critical factors outside of one’s domain. To this extent they are often good consultants for auditing or reviewing an area in terms of structure or function, as well as conducting feasibility studies for new ventures. In areas of line responsibility they often have difficulty in responding quickly to difficulties in their own performance and can appear arrogant and unsupportive as managers. In dealing with other-evaluators it is important to match their tendency to evaluate/blame others, before it is possible to have them examine their own role. Learning and practise in self-awareness and self-development can help an other-evaluator to achieve more flexibility.

other-evaluator stereotypes Phrases commonly used are: ‘Damn it, who did this?’, ‘Now I’ve got you’, ‘You’re stupid’, ‘What’s the use?’, ‘Where do you get good help anymore?’, ‘What would they know?’, ‘Let me do it.’ pattern 5: the blame game 153

Feelings often involve righteousness, indignation, anger, irritation, impatience, encouragement and pleasure. Behaviours include criticising, evaluating, reviewing, assessing, judging, examining, Roles and hobbies for other-evaluators are tax agent, judge, police, tattoo artist, critics of all persuasions, boxer, auditor, editor, publisher, coach and trainer. Famous other-evaluators include Adolf Hitler, Margaret Thatcher, Paul Keating, Judas, Gordon Gekko (‘Greed is good’), Jack Welsh (CEO of General Electric), Idi Amin, J. Edgar Hoover, Pol Pot.

other-evaluator colleagues List those you recognise as definite other-evaluators here.

differences on the evaluation dimension For self-evaluators, it is all their entire fault — and other-evaluators agree. The former tend to look inwards and consider their responsibility and involvement in any matter. The latter look outwards and seek the responsibility and evidence from the environment or other people. When they interact… Self: Sorry Margaret, I didn’t realise the problems I had caused. I’ll redo the whole thing and get those sales figures right. Other: It’s disappointing. You’re wrong to blame only yourself, though. Others messed it up for you by not giving you the full information. Self: No, it was all my fault. I feel useless. Other: I agree. Now how are we going to make sure that you get the right information for next month’s figures? Self: Do you still want me to do them? Other: Of course I do. Look, I know what it’s like to have to rely on others and how it feels when they let you down. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Self: Thanks for being so understanding of my messing up. Self-evaluators feel comfortable when matched with their opposite, otherevaluators. They tend to be less effective with other staff members who are also self-evaluators, each blaming their own behaviour. Many occupations favour one of the two above roles. For example, a lawyer must constantly evaluate the weaknesses in testimony that may have an impact on the resolution of the case. Whether they are prosecuting or defending a client, there is very little room for self-evaluation. They need to 154 be understood or be overlooked

constantly analyse the behaviour of others in order to frame questions in a way that gives them the responses that builds their case. A professional figure skater or an actor must be a self-evaluator so they can examine the finer nuances of their performance and perfect their skill. A good manager must be able to do both. They need to look into their own performance and flexibility as well as being a good judge of others. This is so they are able to bring out the best potential in their organisation’s people.

who’s to blame? ‘Stupid idiot! What’s the matter with her?’ Jess was fuming because Sharon was getting into difficulties with collating the Shinzou Report and its ten appendices. ‘Sharon, what are you doing? You know we need this for the courier in 15 minutes.’ ‘Sorry Jess I am going as fast as I can. I did think that if I perhaps separated all the appendices then…’ ‘Think! I don’t see any sign of you thinking. This is hopeless. How could you?’ ‘I didn’t intend it to go wrong. I mean I’m sorry but...’ ‘Yeah, well sorry doesn’t cut it. OK look I’ll take over. We’ll run the report through again and make the copies directly.’ ‘But Jess’, said Fran who had been watching this exchange from her workstation, ‘I think Sharon was actually copying things in a different way. See, if you make one good copy of the report and each appendix, then you can use the three photocopy machines simultaneously. It’s actually quicker...and clever.’ Jess grunted and suddenly needed to be somewhere else. Sharon quietly finished her copying and had the job collated in time. Without Fran’s intervention, Sharon would have evaluated herself into agreeing with Jess that she was making a mess of the work he simply couldn’t appreciate. She allowed her own self-deprecation to inhibit her from explaining directly that Jess had missed the whole plot. It could have cost them the Shinzou account.

THE EVALUATION CONNECTION matching In this pattern, other-evaluators are paradoxically matched with self-evaluators because they relate well to the other person’s need to discuss their performance problems. They can get on well with an other-evaluator if they are discussing the difficulties of a third party. pattern 5: the blame game 155

mismatching Other-evaluators are mismatched with people who are other-evaluators, and self-evaluators are mismatched with colleagues who are also self-evaluators. Two other-evaluators tend to be less productive when allocating responsibility between them, since they find it hard to accept criticism concerning their own performance. Self-evaluators may be overlooked (by an other-evaluator) because they are seen as lacking in self-confidence. An other-evaluator may be overlooked (by a self-evaluator) because they are too judgmental and lack self-awareness.

to blame or not to blame ‘So it sounds awfully like he was harassing you, I suppose’, Sian sympathised with Beth. ‘Well no. Maybe. I mean, I did probably muck it all up after all’, Beth replied. They were in the coffee shop near their printing business. They had become close friends over the six years of working together. Beth had been describing her encounter earlier in the day with Gary the shift supervisor. She had printed off some 2000 fliers for a client when she noticed a mistake. She stopped the printing to have the master copy corrected before the complete set of 100 000 were run off. This of course stopped the whole line for a while, which came to Gary’s attention very quickly. He stood really close to Beth and stared her down for ages before he said a word. When he did speak it was with a raised voice. ‘You closed the line. For what!!?’ ‘Well I made a mistake. Well maybe I didn’t, but it was a problem and so I...’ ‘You what!?’ Beth starts crying. ‘Oh not the waterworks!’ And Gary storms off. This is matched but not helpful. In fact it is harassment, yet Beth is too ready to blame herself to even begin to see this. Hopefully Sian may help her speak to HR and the employee assistance service consultants.

the creatively criticised critic Leo, the sales manager for Shifton Pharmaceuticals, was halfway through his performance review session with his boss Mary. ‘Leo, how are you going now with Thui? There were some real problems with him which you raised in the last three-monthly review.’ ‘He’s a little better I suppose. He’s still quite poor with customers.’ 156 be understood or be overlooked

‘Tell me more.’ ‘Well he is Asian of course, and so he doesn’t seem to catch on to the subtle things in customer reactions.’ ‘Like what for instance?’ ‘Oh he doesn’t seem to notice pattern changes in orders. He won’t have a drink with them after a client meeting. He talks about his family too much. He is too slow. You want more?’ ‘Sounds like a real problem for you.’ ‘Damn right.’ ‘Yes, seems like he misses on some of the really important aspects of our good service.’ ‘Yeah he does. He just doesn’t seem to get it. Cultural differences I suppose.’ ‘How does he respond to your coaching and support?’ ‘Ah, waste of time. Don’t think he listens at all. In one ear and out the other. He’s really not cut out for this role you know.’ ‘What suggestions of yours has he ignored?’ ‘Oh, um, well you know, “Make good client contact. Give them what they want.” That sort of thing.’ ‘So Thui might not really be clear just what we expect?’ ‘Oh he’s clear alright.’ ‘Perhaps, but Leo how do we know that for sure?’ ‘Hey, this isn’t me you know! Thui is hopeless at Doctor sales, plain and simple.’ ‘Yes, you have had a hard time haven’t you?’ ‘Damn straight.’ ‘It is also very important for your section for Thui to perform well.’ ‘Spot on.’ ‘I know he has some areas of difference, but we have the job of helping him be more successful. You’ve worked hard Leo, and I wonder if I can help you to come at this from another angle. I’m worried too. We need to get this area right, don’t we?’ ‘We sure do. What do you mean, another angle?’ ‘Well I dunno. Um, Thui is proving difficult at the moment despite your advice and support, yes?’ ‘That’s it.’ ‘Well is there another way we could help him see what we’re getting at?’ ‘Like what?’ ‘Well, because Thui is like he is, what would happen if you went at him in a really different way? Say taking him out for a meal and asking him pattern 5: the blame game 157

how he is finding his job? You know, reverse psychology sort of thing. A pain, I know, but maybe Thui makes such an approach necessary.’ ‘Well I never do that with any of the others.’ ‘No.’ ‘It might work. Sort of like a tactic to make him feel important instead of being picked on.’ ‘Yes I hadn’t thought of it like that, but you may be right.’ Mary has used elegant influence skills in this scenario. She has initially agreed with (matched) Leo, but not stepped into the race issue at all. She has worked softly to steer Leo away from blaming Thui for all the problems to helping him start a process of trying some new approaches in his own supervision — behaviour which is remarkably similar to that which Leo is expecting Thui to adopt with the Doctors! She uses ‘we’ and not ‘you’ to soften the impact of her words. She has gently steered an other-evaluator to begin to consider ways he might adjust his own behaviour. The positive outcomes for the whole company and Thui will be considerable.

evaluation prejudices Self-evaluators often see other-evaluators as judgmental or critical. They may be perceived as not very sensitive or self-aware. It may seem as if they avoid taking responsibility for things. They tend to be viewed as stern or not very caring people. Some other-evaluators are like this, but most simply appear this way to their more self-conscious colleagues. Other-evaluators may see their self-evaluator colleagues as too accepting of things for their own good. They put up with difficulties without complaint. They are too undemanding and wishy-washy. They may be seen as mistake-prone, lacking in confidence, or taking on too much responsibility for too many things and people. Again, this is sometimes an accurate picture but usually it is a perspective clouded by one’s own position.

IMPROVING THE EVALUATION CONNECTION benefits and liabilities of evaluation Self-examiners are usually very self-aware and responsible people. They take responsibility for their actions and rarely blame others. They are good at smoothing things over. They are good at giving compliments, understanding and support to others. Empathy oozes from a very strong self-evaluator. Their downside is that they often take on too much responsibility, some158 be understood or be overlooked

times even accepting blame when it wasn’t their fault. They can become overburdened and stressed. They can rescue people who actually should learn from their own mistakes. They tend to accept compliments less easily than do other-evaluators. Other-evaluators are usually good at objective analysis of events and in giving difficult feedback. They take on the hard decisions and manage bad news effectively. They are like Teflon people: unimpeded by slights and negatives. They rarely get too stressed. They are often excellent at dispassionate analysis of complex emotional situations. They see the correct path through an emotional minefield. On the liability side they may be quite judgmental and lacking in awareness of their own mistakes or foibles. They can be arrogant and too self-assured. While they don’t mind whether they receive compliments or not, they usually don’t give them out too freely. They may be too task focused and miss some of the benefits to be gained from more self-awareness and sensitivity to others.

TEAM AND TASK SELECTION ON THE EVALUATION PATTERN Some team roles and certain tasks lend themselves to self-evaluators, while others are better matched with other-evaluators.

self-evaluator roles and tasks Some examples are: • self-revelation and connecting between people • helping and supporting others • giving positive feedback • being sensitive and accepting.

other-evaluator roles and tasks Examples are: • judging and evaluating • the devil’s advocate role • giving negative feedback • managing personal crises • taking charge in difficult circumstances.

pattern 5: the blame game 159

HOW TO INCREASE UNDERSTANDING OF THE EVALUATION PATTERN how self-evaluators can appear more other-directed Tips on being more understood by other-evaluators include: • intend to speak more curtly • be less flexible • stand closer to people than normal • frown more • point your finger • say ‘No’ and ‘I disagree’ often • think of bossing and being critical • consider that other evaluators are probably softer than they seem • accept no interjections • make sharp, short sentences • use words like: no, impossible, silly, wrong, poor, rubbish, unbelievable • use a tighter, sharper voice tone • have an other-evaluator colleague help you • delegate the task to an other-evaluator colleague • imagine you are a literary critic • suck on lemons before meetings • think of being a hanging judge on the bench.

exercises Here are some exercises to help you consolidate your flexibility across this dimension of evaluation.

exercise 1 Go to a sports game and pay attention to the fans nearest you who are criticising (abusing) the referee(s). Study their facial expressions, voice tone and pitch of voice. (Make sure they don’t notice you doing this!) Consider their arm gestures. Listen to their words and their volume. Make some notes.

exercise 2 Imagine that you can’t hurt anyone’s feelings. No matter what you do, they will be completely unaffected. In this scenario say whatever you feel.

exercise 3 Arrange for a trusted other-evaluator to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role-play and have them critique your presentation in order to tighten it up and make it a more powerful presentation. 160 be understood or be overlooked

exercise 4 Pay attention when you react negatively to someone at work or home who is a strong other-evaluator. Make notes of the following: Does their behaviour remind you of someone? What is your major feeling about them? What is your precise reaction to them? What do they do that especially bothers you? How could you change this?

exercise 5 Re-read the section on the limitations of self-evaluators, and on the benefits of other-evaluators. What does this challenge in your evaluation of yourself? Could you develop any of the positives about other-evaluators in a way that might increase your flexibility when dealing with them?

exercise 6 Make a list of the really good things that other-evaluator friends have contributed to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Consider the worst mistake you have made as a direct result of being so definitely self-evaluative in your behaviour. Think about how you have missed some lessons from this incident. How could you take this opportunity to incorporate those learnings?

exercise 8 Go to a violent movie and identify with the bad guy. Note your reactions. Good luck !

how other-evaluators can seem more self-evaluative Ideas about how to be more accepted (understood) by softies are: • speak a little more quietly • consider other people’s feelings before speaking • use some words like: empathy, sorry, understanding, kindness, consideration • delegate the task to a self-evaluator friend • think of Mother Theresa • think acceptance and thoughtfulness • smile! • don’t say words like: that’s wrong, no way, listen up, where d’you get your licence? • use a softer voice tone. pattern 5: the blame game 161

exercises exercise 1 Consider that it is alright to make mistakes. Write down your reactions and try to change them.

exercise 2 Go to romance movies and identify with the underdog. Make some notes.

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a trusted self-evaluator to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role-play. Have them critique your presentation in order to refine it and improve it as a more self-evaluative presentation.

exercise 4 Study a very dedicated self-evaluator you know. Make notes of the following: What is your major feeling about them? What is your usual word, sentence or reaction in your head when you’re dealing with them? What is your usual behaviour each time that you react to them? How could you change these reactions?

exercise 5 Go back and read the section again on the limitations of other-evaluators and on the benefits of self-evaluators. After reconsidering this again, think about recent situations in which you have judged a self-evaluator. Re-examine those situations in the light of this chapter and make some notes about the positive aspects that might actually be part of their behaviour.

exercise 6 Make a list of the good things that self-evaluators could contribute to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Make a list of the most common or most easy situations in which you’re likely to be very strongly an other-evaluator. Think about how you could build up or increase your self-awareness in those situations. How could you avoid them altogether? All the best!

case study Jacqueline completed the design phase and then the implementation phase 162 be understood or be overlooked

of the three-month-long Occupational Health and Safety program at Bowden’s meat processing plant. She was really unhappy about the program and its outcomes. There had been a lot of grumbling at the beginning, which she had expected, but several training sessions had poor attendance, and some people had not completed the projects. It was obviously a complete failure. The whole thing was useless! ‘Where did I go wrong?’, she thought to herself. ‘Probably it was the first email message launching the whole program. I should have consulted more with the line people. Yet maybe the timing of the sessions was a problem. I should have arranged them more in advance. Damn it! Then there was the facilitation! I acted like a real idiot. I didn’t take charge enough. I just didn’t show them I knew my facts. Oh hell, I really blew it.’ In the next meeting with her manager Karen, she discussed these worries (and more) about the program. ‘Hey, I think you really did well’, was Karen’s first comment. ‘It went well.’ ‘No, no. No I really blew it. I just know I blew it.’ ‘Hey, no you didn’t.’ ‘Yes I did. The sessions all failed. No one is really interested in OH&S. I hate it.’ ‘Look, you did well.’ But Karen is already becoming exasperated with Jacqueline, as she knows her skills are excellent and yet she is so down on herself. Nothing Karen says seems to be helping; in fact things seem to be getting worse. Karen perseveres for another thirty minutes or so, but Jacqueline remains pretty miserable and convinced of her own poor efforts.

consultant’s analysis The problem here is that Karen (who recognises Jacqueline’s ability and cares about her) is also self-evaluative in her own behaviour. She allows her feelings to get in the way of her strategy on this matter. In knowing Jacqueline is actually quite good at her work, Karen makes the mistake of under-estimating the power of her self-critical lack of confidence. Jacqueline is also an exaggerator, which makes her self-deprecation even more powerful and entrenched. Karen understands self-criticism (being a self-evaluator herself), but uses denial to attack it rather than immediate matching and gradual assembly of facts to support her argument. Then she compounds this error by getting exasperated with Jacqueline’s stubborn refusal to accept Karen’s excellent objective feedback. To Jacqueline, this only serves to confirm that Karen is displeased with her performance and was only being nice in the first place. pattern 5: the blame game 163

Remember, nice words are only 7 per cent of the power of the message, while exasperated gestures, expressions and sighs have 93 per cent potency. Moreover Jacqueline doubts Karen’s credibility. Jacqueline knows in her bones that she was bad. How can her boss not see how bad her performance was! Either Karen must be dumb, or else she is just humouring her and being patronising. Seemingly paradoxically, two self-evaluators have unconsciously colluded to create a big scene of wallowing in how bad Jacqueline’s performance has been. Sympathy and straight denial have produced a big misunderstanding. Karen is on the path to being sidelined, not because she performed badly on the OH&S program, but because her boss can’t get her to stop doubting herself.

recipe for understanding Effective understanding requires the boss, Karen, to consciously move out of her own natural feelings and behaviour and adopt more of an other-critical or neutral objective stance at a very early stage. First Karen needs to agree with Jacqueline’s self-critical analysis. She initially needs to match her view of herself. ‘Yes it does sound as if the program wasn’t as good as we wanted.’ Note the astuteness though. ‘It does sound as if…’ and ‘...not as good as we wanted’. This is not a cold damnation of Jacqueline; it is a straightforward and slightly ambiguous matching of her own worldview or mental attitude of ‘I failed.’ Next, Karen needs to get Jacqueline to present her facts. ‘Tell me more about how things went.’ ‘Well, there were really bad attendances, and hardly any projects were completed, and…’ ‘Hmmm, that does sound pretty unfortunate. You sure might feel unhappy for a little while.’ Karen agrees with her manager. She isn’t arguing and denying the presented data. Note also the message contained in ‘…might feel unhappy for a little while.’ Now however is the time to gently make Jacqueline’s facts more objective, and to lead her towards her own understanding of her reaction. Karen starts with, ‘Oh dear. And how many people actually failed to attend?’ ‘Oh well, er, lots over the three sessions. It was horrible, and…’ ‘That’s yucky; like how many missed session one?’ ‘Oh, about four people I think.’ ‘Hmm. That was four out of twenty-five people enrolled?’ 164 be understood or be overlooked

‘Er, yes. Yes that’s right.’ ‘And all four were from the boning room weren’t they?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Didn’t we have that special order happen unexpectedly that day?’ ‘Yes we sure did. I’d forgotten about that.’ ‘And the other sessions?’ ‘Well, it doesn’t seem so much of a big deal now, but one person in session two and two in session three.’ ‘So only seven out of, what, sixty-odd participants missed your seminars on OH&S?’ ‘Yes I guess. That’s a more positive perspective.’ ‘Sure is. OK so tell me about these uncompleted projects.’ ‘Well Petrovich didn’t do his.’ ‘We all know Petrovich never does anything he’s asked right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right. Then there were three others but they did promise to get them completed later.’ ‘So, no Petrovich, and three late completions?’ ‘Yep.’ ‘This horrible program is sounding better by the minute.’ ‘Yes it is, isn’t it? I do tend to get stuck into myself don’t I?’ ‘Yeah. So instead of all that blaming, tell me some of the really good things you did in the program.’ ‘Well, I did like the way I got people to see how OH&S really affected their daily work. For instance...’ By initially matching and agreeing with the poor self-view, Karen has now helped Jacqueline make her own connection that she has negatively overreacted to a few modest problems that could have happened to anyone. She has shifted on her own understanding.

a note for young players This exact same scenario will happen again. And again! Karen’s skilful intervention here won’t ‘cure’ Jacqueline of her self-evaluating behaviour. This is the paradox and frustration with human motivation problems compared to engineering problems. When you fix a problem with a bridge it stays fixed. With people you need to keep fixing it; it is on-going. Karen will need to repeat some variation of this matching process the next time Jacqueline has some poor outcomes. Gradually however, she will develop a thicker skin, longer periods between bad doubts, and much more rapid recovery.

pattern 5: the blame game 165

IN CONCLUSION In short there are two kinds of people: those who feel responsible when things go wrong, and those who blame them. There is need for a healthy balance of honest self-awareness and acceptance (and admission) of one’s mistakes on one hand, and an ability to accurately evaluate the environment and be suitably demanding of others to improve, on the other. Humility is a good quality if it doesn’t extend into self-deprecation. Objective appreciation of the mistakes of others is valuable if it doesn’t sour into arrogance. Interaction with others is enhanced across this dimension by matching initially, then leading to new learnings. This dimension concerned itself with how we evaluate the context and ourselves; the next pattern we shall consider is all about the way we form and maintain our relationships with each other. Do you like being on top?

166 be understood or be overlooked

chapter 9

pattern 6: simon says

‘Clearly we need to link our webpage with Zenith Inc.’ (Self-assured, chin raised, firm voice tone, good eye contact.) ‘No, no, no. They’re not as significant to us as Acme Inc.’ (Self-assured, chin raised, firm voice tone, good eye contact.) ‘Rubbish! Acme are not diversifying as much as Zenith, and they are number one.’ (Voice tightens, eyes narrow, irritation grows.) ‘Not for long. Acme will be number one very quickly and they are diversifying.’ (Pointing, loud voice, red-faced.) ‘Listen here; Zenith is the only sensible choice. Accept it.’ (Jaw clenched, very close eye contact, daring disagreement.) ‘No, you are completely wrong. It’s time to make an intelligent decision.’ (Jaw clenched, very close eye contact, daring disagreement.) This kind of competitive stand-off is reminiscent of bucks locking antlers. This negative and tension-ridden debate can erupt so quickly and be so disruptive for the participants, let alone those around them. It tends to happen this way when the two people are both initiators (as the speakers in this scenario are). This pattern is about the relationship: who takes the lead and who follows. In this case we have two leaders (initiators) who both think they are right. Both of them think the other person is wrong. Neither is going to give ground. In this situation there is no room for negotiation and collaborative dialogue — it just has to be a fight. This chapter explores the initiator/responder dimension and offers some more understanding alternatives.

THE RELATIONSHIP DIMENSION: INITIATOR/RESPONDER The nature of the reactive relationship between people impacts on the way we communicate with them. When the relationship is in balance (matched), this contributes to effective outcomes. However when the relationship is in conflict (mismatched), the friction between the two people gets in the way of effective outcomes. The relationship pattern refers to how often and in what manner we initiate things in our relationship with others, and how often we tend to respond to the initiatives of others. At one extreme we have people we’ll call initiators, and at the other end responders.

how do you score? Answer the following questionnaire. 168 be understood or be overlooked

READ EACH STATEMENT BELOW. MARK EACH STATEMENT AS: 1 IF THE STATEMENT IS NOT AT ALL ACCURATE FOR YOU. 2 IF THE STATEMENT IS OCCASIONALLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 3 IF YOU AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS FAIRLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 4 IF YOU STRONGLY AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS QUITE ACCURATE FOR YOU.

Be honest. This will give you a benchmark comparison when you reassess yourself at a later date. ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

WHEN SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE SAID I USUALLY AM THE ONE TO SAY IT. I TEND TO TAKE CHARGE OF MOST THINGS. I OFTEN SET UP NEW DIRECTIONS FOR OTHERS. I LIKE TO ESTABLISH THE AGENDA FOR MEETINGS. I OFTEN DISAGREE IF I FEEL THAT SOMEONE’S SUGGESTION IS WRONG. I AM MORE COMFORTABLE AS THE LEADER THAN THE FOLLOWER.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong initiator. 11 to 17: you are a modest initiator. 0 to 10: you are not really an initiator. Now try this one: ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I AM MORE COMFORTABLE AS THE FOLLOWER THAN THE LEADER. I LIKE TAKING OTHER PEOPLE’S IDEAS AND DEVELOPING THEM. I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE STANDING OUT IN A GROUP. I LIKE LONG, DRAWN-OUT TASKS. I TEND TO DO WHAT I’M TOLD. I DON’T HAVE LOTS OF IDEAS OF MY OWN.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong responder. 11 to 17: you are a modest responder. 0 to 10: you are not really a responder. pattern 6: simon says 169

Now to see your relationship pattern as a whole, place your scores on this chart: (Place your initiator score on the left and your responder score on the right.) 24

19

11

7

0

7

VERY STRONG INITIATOR

11

19

24

VERY STRONG RESPONDER

What does this reveal about your means of relating? Are you a very strong initiator and quite modest as a responder or vice versa? Do you score modestly on each side? Or perhaps very strongly on both qualities? How does this fit with your experience? What does your partner or close friend think? What did they score in relationship to you?

THIS MICRO UNDERSTANDING IN DETAIL initiators Follow me. Let me show you. We can meet to plan what you do next. Expression: Here’s the plan. Initiators like introducing new concepts and tend to take the lead in most communication. They take the lead with ideas presented by others and take over the focus of the conversation. They tend to produce ideas and to assume the dominant position quickly. Initiators tend to be very good in a team leadership role, but are inclined to be directive. They expect a response to their ideas and automatically tend to give directions to others. They can easily lead a meeting and they start off well with tasks, but may have difficulty finishing them. They are often seen as too pushy in situations where they are required to be more passive, such as during interviews where they have to respond and are not able to control the flow of ideas. They naturally communicate very well with responders but may become jammed or get into conflict with another initiator. Deciding in advance to let colleagues take the lead is very difficult for initiators, but a valuable step to connecting more effectively with another initiator.

initiator stereotypes Phrases most often used are: ‘Listen here’, ‘Look here’, ‘Go this way’, ‘Here’s the plan’, ‘Let me show you’, ‘The best idea’, ‘Do it my way’, ‘Do this.’ 170 be understood or be overlooked

Feelings are often self-confident, in charge, self-assured, positive, intense and definite. Behaviours might include standing up the front, pointing, raising their voice, urging, exhorting, directing, conducting, telling, advising and explaining. Initiators tend to be poor listeners. Initiators take on work and hobbies like explorer, salesperson, film director, author, general, CEO, inventor. Famous initiators include Frank Sinatra (I did it my way), Napoleon, John F. Kennedy, cats, Fred Astaire, Dean Martin, Bud Abbot (of Abbot and Costello).

initiator colleagues List those people you know who you think are initiators.

responders I’m right behind you. Let me get back to you on that. Expression: What’s the plan? Responders like other people to take the lead. They prefer to understand the setting, the background and the nature of the circumstances before committing themselves. They prefer to respond to others’ initiatives and follow their lead. They like to have tasks clearly spelled out. Responders are good team players and excellent people for second-in-command or supportive roles. They can be excellent leaders where democratic or participative leadership is required. They are usually matched well with initiators but can be less effective when communicating with other responders. One obstacle for responders is the fear of making a mistake. A careful approach to gathering information and thorough preparation can help responders initiate more often and effectively. A good outcome can be achieved even if the responder initiates an idea gained from others.

responder stereotypes Favourite phrases include: ‘That’s good’, ‘Great idea’, ‘When do you want it?’, ‘Are we there yet?’, ‘Could I suggest…?’, ‘Let me help.’ Feelings may be comfortable, calm, patient, understanding, empathic, supportive, nourishing, accepting. Behaviours are supportive, receptive, engaging, listening. You’ll find responders doing hobbies and jobs like firefighter, police officer, plumber, investor, product designer, quiz contestant, actor, editor, counsellor, psychologist, social worker, army private, artist’s model. pattern 6: simon says 171

Famous responders include Neville Chamberlain (who appeased Hitler), Ginger Rogers (she did it backwards), Jerry Lewis, Lou Costello, Jackie Kennedy, Princess Di, dogs.

responder colleagues Who do you know is more a responder than an initiator?

RELATIONSHIP DIMENSION DIFFERENCES Initiators start things up, and responders finish them off. Initiators are out in front, pushing, leading, directing. They noticeably take charge and make things happen. Responders are more in the background, encouraging, following, amending, supporting. They may actually be in charge but not so noticed or the centre of attention. When they communicate… Initiator: I think we can get this contract if we do it right. Responder: I agree with you. Now, what do you want me to do? Initiator: It’s going to be tough, people won’t understand why you’re doing it and you’ll cop heaps of criticism. Responder: I don’t mind all that, as long as I get your support. Initiator: You’ve certainly got that; you know how much I rely on you. Responder: Leave it with me; I’ll check it all out. Is there anything else? You’re the one with the ideas. Initiator: Yes, but I’ll leave it with you for a while. You work out how we should respond. Responder: Okay. In chairing a meeting or in teaching it is important to give options that are equally comfortable for initiators and responders. For example, it is important to allow initiators to express ideas straight up. It is valuable not to force responders to react until they have had time to digest the comments of others and are ready to make a contribution. Initiators like gathering information in order to be prepared to interact with other group members at the scheduled meeting. Responders, on the other hand, even if given pre-meeting notes, often need to wait until they have heard the ideas or the analysis of other group members before they will respond and give their ideas or conclusions. If one can appreciate the control of the initiator and the summary comments of the responder, there is a great deal of harmony within the group. It 172 be understood or be overlooked

is not effective management practice to try to change (mismatch) the normal behaviour of initiators and responders. For example, after some discussion has gone on with initiators making numerous suggestions, the group leader might say something like, ‘OK, Bill and Mary I think we have heard your point of view, now let’s hear from Sally, she hasn’t said much as yet.’ In that one sentence the leader has belittled both initiators and responders. In personal relationships there is often a very successful bond between an initiator and a responder. One partner is much more likely to generate ideas on where to go for holidays, movies, and restaurants that might be enjoyed by both. Their responder partner often feels very comfortable with the range of selections from which they can make a choice as to which they would most enjoy. If you look at sporting activities there are often players who are the initiators of action, such as in Aussie Rules where the full forward gets in front of their defender. Correspondingly the defender responds to the slight movements of the initiating full forward to attempt to spoil the play. In basketball when the offence players initiate openings and try to wrong-foot opponents the job of the defender is to respond in a way to block a successful shot. In team sports the role of initiator and responder may fluctuate depending on the positioning on the field of play and role that the person is expected to play. The flexibility of a good professional athlete in taking up the appropriate relationship is exactly the type of behaviour that a good manager needs to adopt in order to develop influential communication.

here’s the plan Chris and Barry were arguing strongly, yet eloquently. Chris, a professor in Sociology at Plastic University was going on sabbatical, and Barry was taking over his classes for the rest of the year. Barry sat in on Chris’s last lecture on social groups. Barry felt very uncomfortable. After the lecture was concluded and the students had dribbled off, Barry asked very quietly, ‘Do you usually teach this stuff like that?’ ‘Of course. Pray tell, why you ask?’ Chris replied. ‘Well I would have thought that Kamon’s theory of conflict would have been a more suitable starting place for the lecture and the term.’ ‘Hardly. Kamon’s work is really discredited don’t you know? I’m surprised you would even suggest it at all.’ ‘Really? You don’t seem to have read Crealy and Jones and their brilliant critique of this guy.’ ‘You’re not serious surely? Very basic work. Really missed the point of group consensus and conflict.’ ‘Missed it? Demolished it in two paragraphs.’ pattern 6: simon says 173

‘That sociological mudslinging wasn’t an argument. It didn’t even contrast consensus with Harvey’s thesis.’ ‘As if that would be important or significant or even relevant!’ ‘What an incredible deconstructionist you are!’ Such are the woes of two initiators in an academic head-butting contest. Both win and neither gains anything. Especially not the students in Sociology at Plastic University. It is not leadership, nor negotiation, but mismatched conflict on the relationship dimension.

THE RELATIONSHIP CONNECTION matching The well-matched relationship is between an initiator and a responder. In relationships at home and at work the best complementary connection is between these opposites. The effective roles in the relationship dimension are: giver/taker, one up/one down, leader/follower. This does not mean that two initiators cannot form an effective or compatible relationship with each other. It just requires a little more effort in give and take; a little more understanding.

mismatching An initiator is mismatched with another initiator, and two responders are mismatched with each other. That is, like is mismatched with like. The same behaviour type is in conflict with itself. Two initiators are always (often unconsciously) in competition, which has led to the expression ‘Too many chiefs and not enough Indians.’ Similarly two responders are also clashing as each is always waiting for the other to take the initiative. To achieve most influence on this pattern you need to adopt the opposite viewpoint to the other person, and shape your presentation accordingly. It can be as simple as the difference between starting a meeting by calling for agenda items or putting an agenda forward and asking for additions or alterations. Trying variations of such approaches is likely to get the best results from everyone. For the same reasons, sporting teams need to have people at both extremes, or developing effective teamwork may become difficult. Two responders keep self-deprecatingly trying to allow the other person the right of way. It’s like the two are standing on the eighth floor waiting for the lift. When it comes, one says, ‘After you.’ ‘No. After you.’ 174 be understood or be overlooked

‘No. Please.’ The lift door closes again. ‘Push the button again will you, please.’ An initiator may be overlooked (by another initiator) because they are too competitive and aggressive. This is especially likely if one is male and the other female. A responder is likely to be overlooked (by another responder) because they have no initiative or drive. They don’t give direction and drive. They don’t take the one-up position.

RELATIONSHIP PREJUDICES Initiators recognise each other and compete. Their bias is that the other won’t listen. They are too bossy and autocratic. This prejudice occurs despite the fact that it is often mirrored by the very object of the sentiment itself. This is a classic situation in which we see in others precisely the behaviour that they accuse us of displaying. With some responders, initiators may feel they don’t take the lead, and are too dependent on others for direction. Initiators would rarely select a responder for a leadership position. Responders often have the prejudice that responder colleagues are just not leadership material. They are not reliable and are indecisive. They don’t have sufficient power and command to engage others and to direct them. Interestingly, responders also would hesitate to select a responder for a leadership position.

you lead, I’ll follow The Reliable Bank was having the busiest day that Harry had ever seen. The tension and constant customer pressure was really beginning to get to everybody. Claudine finished off with her last customer and came back to Harry’s desk to sort some forms. ‘Lots of pressure today’, Harry said to her with a supportive smile. ‘Oh yes. It’s terrible really. I can’t seem to get on top of things at all. How do you handle those account inquiries in the middle of normal finance transactions?’ ‘It’s not easy. Do you want some tips?’ ‘Please. It is driving me nuts at the moment.’ ‘One option is to look really helpful even when you feel they have just ruined your day.’ ‘Sort of smile, and be encouraging when you actually feel like running away?’ pattern 6: simon says 175

‘That’s it. Then it is a good thing to give them the account D233 form to fill in and ask if they would mind going away to complete it.’ ‘Hey, that gets them out of the way and getting more information organised for me.’ ‘Yes, and it keeps them feeling like they are being attended to.’ ‘Mmmm, I like it. I could do that with each of them I suppose. They appear about one in every four customers.’ ‘No reason why not.’ ‘Hey, if I did that we could have a small group up the back after a while, all of them really wanting similar information. Then I could ask Stephanie to see them and answer their queries all in one step!’ ‘That’s a clever twist. Yes, that could work.’ ‘What’s more it speeds up our customer service and genuinely adds some extra quality to what we do.’ ‘I think you’re onto something. Let’s try it for the next few days and we will monitor how it proceeds.’ ‘Thanks. I feel better already.’ ‘That’s OK. You really developed my small suggestion into a quite creative approach. Excellent work Claudine.’ The responder and initiator work well together in this seamless illustration of a matched relationship encounter. The conversation is comfortable and creative. The outcome is the result of a supportive combined effort of both managers. The ideas develop naturally.

‘after you.’ ‘no, after you.’ The Ricciuto team at the Taylor car assembly plant were always behind schedule. They were the target of many jokes and caricatures throughout the plant. They were a friendly, positive group of seven — some would say they were consistently optimistic. Yet their production figures lagged always at least 14 points on every other team on the assembly line. Their position had been this way for the last three years. At their weekly team meeting they were discussing this matter for the fiftieth time. Rossario, the team leader, started the meeting. ‘Right. We are down again, still, this week. Does anyone have any ideas about how we might improve our figures?’ The team look at each other, mumble, then turn back to look at Rossario. ‘No ideas? Come on guys. Someone must have an idea.’ ‘What do you think we should do Rossy?’, says Sven. ‘Well I was hoping we could solve this as a team. You know like the selfmanaging team we trained for last year.’ 176 be understood or be overlooked

‘Sure. How do they go about solving this sort of problem then?’ ‘Well you remember don’t you? They sort of reach a group consensus and solve the problem by working together.’ ‘We work together’, chimes in Mavis. ‘Yeah if you can call our production figures “working”’, sniggers Barry. ‘So how does this work, this working together stuff, Ross?’ Mavis adds. ‘Well you were all at the two day’s training. What did you think Barry?’ ‘Ah I dunno. It all seemed sorta wishy-washy to me.’ ‘It was about empowerment and group decision-making. It was really good.’ ‘So how do we use it here then Ross?’, asks Mavis. ‘Well’, Ross responds, ‘we ask for everyone’s ideas, I think. Isn’t that right Sven?’ Then Greg the production manager drops in briefly. ‘More talk, no action eh Ross? You’re the team leader. Get this lot moving Ross or else!’ After Greg leaves, Ross looks miserable, Sven and Mae offer condolences and bad tidings towards Greg, Barry smirks at the same spot on the wall, and the rest talk amongst themselves. This is a picture of a team of responders who are supportive but ineffective in achieving change. Barry, the only initiator in the group, has given up and turned his previous ideas and energy into sarcasm and cynicism. The rest keep looking for a leader, turning especially to Ross. The group is probably full of ideas and potential but it is missing a leader with initiative to draw this out. The production manager (an initiator) has also displayed poor judgment and ineffective leadership. He belittles Ross in front of his team, offers no practical help, and does not diagnose the problem at all.

IMPROVING THE RELATIONSHIP CONNECTION benefits and liabilities of relationship Initiators are good at starting things up, challenging the status quo, motivating and stimulating action. They are strong leaders suited for command and authoritative leadership positions. They take charge when things are tough. They make things happen. They do well when working alone. However, while they are good at initiating things, they are not so reliable at following things through to the end. They are generally not completers, especially for very long drawn-out tasks. Initiators can be or become dogmatic or autocratic leaders. pattern 6: simon says 177

Responders are excellent at taking someone’s initiative and running with it. They often develop or embellish a concept into something quite comprehensive. Many inventors are initiators while their general managers are responders. A great example is McDonald’s hamburger chain. The McDonald brothers invented a great product concept and Ray Kroc turned it into a worldwide empire. Responders make great evaluators and auditors (especially if they are also detailers), given their ability to respond to what others have defined. They are very effective participatory or consensus leaders. They run effective whole team operations. They are the social glue of work groups. For the negatives, responders can’t easily operate in a vacuum. They don’t like to work alone. They need a point, a stimulus to bounce off. They are usually not great motivators, or stimulators of action.

TEAM AND TASK SELECTION ON THE RELATIONSHIP PATTERN Some team roles and certain tasks clearly lend themselves to initiators, while their responder colleagues are well suited to different aspects.

initiator roles and tasks Examples are: • managing conflict • motivating others • generating ideas • creative thinking • project start up • responding to crisis situations • working alone • working on short, quick, time limited tasks.

responder tasks and roles Typical tasks and roles are: • achieving consensus • supporting others • maintaining team spirit • managing long complex projects • developmental thinking • soothing conflict 178 be understood or be overlooked

• • • •

debriefing after a crisis managing projects working with a group working over a long period.

how initiators can appear more like responders Here are some tips for becoming more effective with responders: • wait • slow down a little • ask others for ideas • be curious about pauses • ask ‘Are you sure your idea is the best way?’ • think last • ask for help • keep your eyes down • accept interjections • make a few errors • use phrases like: ‘What shall we do now?’, ‘That’s a good idea’, ‘What else do you suggest?’ • don’t use phrases like: ‘This is my suggestion’, ‘Here’s the plan’, ‘I think…’, ‘Do this.’ • have a responder colleague help you • delegate the task to a responder colleague • imagine you are willing to hear from others first • observe the group dynamics • think of the feelings and needs in the group • observe the facial expressions and voice tones.

exercises Here are some exercises for you to help consolidate your flexibility on this dimension of relationship.

exercise 1 On the weekend, spend one whole day never taking the initiative. Leave every decision or step or idea up to someone else. What happened? How did you feel? Make some notes.

exercise 2 Who do you know who is a strong responder? Use them as a model. Note some pattern 6: simon says 179

of their behaviours in different situations. Give yourself instructions about how you might copy some of these behaviours, words and actions. Next, make a note of the obstacles and difficulties in presenting yourself in this way. Can you think of other ways you could be more like a responder despite these obstacles?

exercise 3 Arrange for a trusted responder to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role-play and have them critique your presentation in order to make it a more responder-like presentation. Make some notes about what you learned.

exercise 4 Re-read the section on the limitations of initiators, and on the benefits of responders. What does this challenge in your evaluation of yourself? Could you develop any of the positives about responders in a way that might increase your flexibility when dealing with them?

exercise 5 Make a list of the really good things that responder friends have contributed to your way of seeing and doing things (through being responders).

exercise 6 Consider the worst error you have made as a direct result of being so definitely an initiator. Think about how you have missed some lessons from this incident. How could you take this opportunity to incorporate those learnings?

exercise 7 Reflect on and think about your life as an initiator. Why do you like to take charge? What would happen if someone else took over? Make some notes of your observations. Good luck!

how responders can seem to be more like initiators Ways and ideas for improving your chances to be understood by the initiators include: • think beforehand, and speak first • take charge • delegate the task to an initiator friend • think of being the boss 180 be understood or be overlooked

• • • • • • • •

think of being always right fill every silence with a suggestion look up and forward when in doubt, tell someone to make a suggestion say: I know we can do it, here’s what I think (and have a thought to say) don’t say: how do you feel?, what shall we do? don’t think of people’s feelings imagine that the other person is worried and that’s why they are speaking so carefully • imagine you are in control • appreciate their level of control.

exercises exercise 1 This may be painful for you. On a weekend, devote one whole day to activities initiated solely by you. Set it up with a partner or friend to agree to do everything just as you arrange. Set it up beforehand. Plan it all out. Don’t ask their agreement. Just do it! How did it go? What happened? Make some notes.

exercise 2 With your notes from Exercise 1, make some more notes about how you might incorporate some of these behaviours, words and actions. Next, make a note of the obstacles and difficulties about presenting yourself in this way. Can you think of other ways you could appear more an initiator despite these obstacles?

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a trusted initiator to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role-play and have them critique your presentation in order to refine it and improve it as a more initiator like presentation.

exercise 4 Were you ever an initiator? Make a note of the following: What is your major feeling about other responders? What is your usual word, sentence or reaction in your head when you’re dealing with them? What is your usual behaviour each time that you react to a responder? pattern 6: simon says 181

exercise 5 Go back and read the section again on the limitations of responders and on the benefits of initiators on the pages above. After reconsidering this, think about recent situations in which you have judged an initiator. Re-examine those situations in the light of this chapter and make some notes about the positive aspects that might be actually part of their behaviour.

exercise 6 Make a list of the good things initiators could contribute to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Make a list of the worst or easiest situations in which you’re likely to be very strongly a responder. Think about how you could build up or increase your capacity to be an initiator in those situations. How could you avoid them altogether? All the best!

case study The partners of Fullside Pty Ltd were having a directors’ meeting on the fifth floor of their Adelaide office. The only topic on the agenda was the proposed joint venture with Celestial Holdings in China. All three partners were quite passionate about this deal. They had made several attempts at joint ventures in Asia over the last few years with very mixed success. The Indonesian company had worked well but was finished when political troubles erupted. A previous Chinese deal had cost a lot of money and fallen through entirely. The Malaysian partnership was well regarded, but after three years was yet to make a profit. ‘Well, let’s do it. I’ve made the first overtures. It has great potential and we still want to get into China’, announced Charles. ‘We sure do’, agreed Sam. ‘Yes, but at what price?’, questioned Marcia, the third partner. ‘The time is just not right. Let’s wait till the WTO process is well underway and we’ve built up some more capital. Anyway, there’s my proposal to develop our Internet product. We should do that now instead of China.’ ‘No. No. We could wait for years and still get no further.’ Charles stated. ‘Celestial will go the same way as our last Chinese venture.’ ‘Oh shut up, Sam’, say Marcia and Charles together. ‘Look, the new product is the best option for us at this time’, Marcia recommences. 182 be understood or be overlooked

‘The new product does look very promising’, chips in Sam. ‘China is best. It has much more potential than the product, and in fact it will make the development of that product even more likely later on.’

consultant’s analysis The two initiators, Marcia and Charles, have clashed before this. The routine here is a well-worn path. For that matter, Sam too has followed a familiar route in the partnership. He takes the role of being the ineffective and unappreciated responder who tries to smooth things over. They tend to repeat these discussions in a way that entrenches problems. Marcia and Charles both regard each other highly; after all, that is why they went into business together in the first place. However, they don’t demonstrate this positive regard when they disagree on new initiatives. They dig in and push their own initiatives, often by denigrating their partner and their ideas. This merely, but powerfully, serves to strengthen the opposition. Sam runs around like a sheepdog trying to keep them together, but only unites the two by encouraging them to pick on him. Sam isn’t focused on responding to an issue so much as responding to the conflict. Paradoxically his interventions only help to maintain the conflict. As directors, this is a problem when they meet alone. As for having such disagreements in front of the rest of the staff, this pattern is even more disruptive and disturbing, creating an unhealthy culture of chronic conflict and reduced opportunities. In fact, that is the opening for an effective consultancy engagement with the directors — offering them a way to be more successful and productive.

recipe for understanding The initiators (Charles and Marcia) could do well by reminding themselves what they admired about each other in the first place: their drive and initiative. They need to climb down from the moral high ground as early as possible. As soon as one of them takes the one-down position, the discussion can flow and develop in more productive directions. For example, Charles could say, ‘Marcia, your idea on the new product does sound exciting. Let’s hear about it in more detail.’ This would enable a richer discussion about one of the two options and would lead to a more reasoned discussion of the timing, advantages and disadvantages of each proposal, especially if Marcia reciprocated. There is respect there, but it has been lost under years of battling for ‘my way, right or wrong!’ Initiators often lose sight of the possibility of win–win solutions. The responder, Sam, could also change the dynamics by preparing an initiative for one of these meetings. Then there would be three proposals, not pattern 6: simon says 183

the usual two. This alone would alter the system and encourage new patterns of communication. With some pre-meeting lobbying and discussion, Sam could more effectively prevent conflict at the meeting itself. Once Marcia or Charles start on their stuff, it’s all downhill. However if Sam can start to seed ideas about alternative viewpoints before the meeting, then conflict can be avoided, and the three can have more strategic conversations.

IN CONCLUSION This evolutionary pattern is slightly deceiving. Opposites attract and tend to naturally understand each other. It is the similar types who are more likely to get into communication difficulties. This pattern reinforces the relationship feature of human interaction. There can be no effective communication, no influence, or understanding, without the presence of some kind of relationship between the parties. Trust is built on this. In this chapter we have seen how the relationship may be interdependent or else it is competitive, or passive. The strategy in good management practice is to create an interdependent relationship. If two managers are initiators then one needs to adopt the semblance of the responder role in order to enhance the communication. Similarly if both are responders, it is valuable for one to adopt the initiator role and take the lead. Remember the parable of the miser drowning in a river. He calls for help from passing citizens. One would-be rescuer reaches down and says, ‘Here, give me your hand.’ The miser (a staunch initiator) refuses the offer of help. The next rescuer coming upon the struggling initiator says, ‘Here, take my hand.’ The miser accepts the offer and is saved. This flexibility in influence patterns is what distinguishes skilful leaders from average managers. The next chapter concludes the last of the seven patterns by examining the nature of our perceptual processes and how they impact upon our influence and understanding. Do you ‘see the answer’, ‘sound out the problem’ or ‘grasp the nettle’? Find out in the next few pages.

184 be understood or be overlooked

chapter 10

pattern 7: seeing is believing

‘Look, I think Carroll’s presentation and c.v. show clearly that she is the best applicant we’ve had all day.’ (Waving the c.v., eyes bright, strong voice.) ‘Well, I um, have a really bad feeling about her.’ (Hands-on stomach, looking into the distance, soft voice.) ‘Show me! Show me precisely where there is anything wrong in her c.v.’ (Holding the c.v. forward, eye contact, insistent voice tone.) ‘I know her c.v. is fine. It’s more a feeling, an intuition that I have.’ (Avoids eye contact, hesitant tone, playing with the c.v.) ‘A feeling! An intuition! Show me the evidence. We can’t rely on feelings.’ (Leaning forward, irritated voice tone, glaring.) The first speaker is predominantly visual: they perceive things most strongly by looking at them and relating to the things they can see. The second speaker is experiential: they get a sense of the world and rely on their feelings and intuition much more strongly than on what they see. Both ways of understanding are equally skilful (as is the third option of auditory or sounding out the world). In this example however, we have an illustration of how rapidly misunderstanding can develop, when a visual speaker and an experiential speaker communicate with each other. This chapter examines the nature of this perceptual dimension of understanding and its three components of the visual, auditory, and experiential.

THE PERCEPTUAL SYSTEM: VISUAL, AUDITORY, EXPERIENTIAL In addition to the six dimensions of influence, our unconscious way of perceiving things has a big impact on our manner of communicating with others. When we employ the same system of perception we literally speak the same language by choosing the same descriptive words, examples and metaphors. If we communicate using a different choice of descriptive words we don’t always have successful communication or, worse, we think we understand (or are understood) when we don’t. Mismatched perceptual modes cause the means of presentation to get in the way of the intended communication. When our perceptual systems match, we mirror the other person’s view of the world and we are much more likely to succeed in conveying what we mean. Our conceptual development, our presentation of ideas and our evaluation of others is dramatically influenced by our perceptual system. We perceive by visual, auditory and experiential means. We see, hear and touch 186 be understood or be overlooked

(or feel) our world. As we grow and learn, we develop our favourite or preferred perspective. To a greater or lesser extent some of us use a visual perspective, others an auditory perspective and some a tactile or experiential approach. Some people are effective in all three modes, or a mixture of them. These people have the capacity to make the most of every communication. A musician plays, a costume designer or set designer takes care of the visual elements, a dancer provides the tactile movement and the director communicates with all three for the end result. Top managers or educators are most effective because they can communicate their objectives or advance the understanding of others regardless of the perceptual system those people use. The way we plan, think and communicate within organisations is strongly affected by our perceptual mode and how well it matches that of others. When our perceptual mode matches another’s, we are in accord, speaking the same language. Where there is a mismatch, there may be such a degree of misunderstanding that we feel almost as if we are speaking different dialects.

how do you score? Answer the following questionnaire. READ EACH STATEMENT BELOW. MARK EACH STATEMENT AS: 1 IF THE STATEMENT IS NOT AT ALL ACCURATE FOR YOU. 2 IF THE STATEMENT IS OCCASIONALLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 3 IF YOU AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS FAIRLY ACCURATE FOR YOU. 4 IF YOU STRONGLY AGREE THAT THE STATEMENT IS QUITE ACCURATE FOR YOU.

Be honest. This will give you a benchmark comparison when you reassess yourself at a later date. ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I PREFER TO SEE SOMEONE WHEN I’M TALKING TO THEM. I LIKE SEEING THINGS DESCRIBED IN DIAGRAMS AND PICTURES. I TEND TO THINK IN IMAGES AND PICTURES. WHEN I DESCRIBE SOMETHING I LIKE TO USE VISUAL WORDS. I REACT MORE TO HOW PEOPLE LOOK, RATHER THAN THE SOUND OF THEIR VOICE, OR HOW THEY FEEL.

■

I DISLIKE SPEAKING TO SOMEONE ON THE TELEPHONE.

TOTAL

■ pattern 7: seeing is believing 187

Scores 18 to 24: you are a strong visualiser. 11 to 17: you are a modest visualiser. 0 to 10: you are not really a visualiser. Now to see your visual pattern as a whole, place your scores on this chart: 0

7

11

NOT A VISUALISER

19

24

VERY STRONG VISUALISER

Now try this one: ■ ■ ■

I AM QUITE COMFORTABLE TALKING TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE. I LIKE TALKING THINGS OVER AND HAVING DISCUSSIONS WITH PEOPLE. I OFTEN REHEARSE THE WORDS I’M GOING TO SAY FOR IMPORTANT PRESENTATIONS.

■ ■

HOW THINGS SOUND IS IMPORTANT TO ME. I REACT MORE TO THE SOUND OF PEOPLE’S VOICES, RATHER THAN HOW THEY LOOK, OR HOW THEY FEEL.

■

YOU CAN TELL A LOT BY THE PITCH AND TONE OF A PERSON’S VOICE.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are strongly in the auditory mode. 11 to 17: you are modestly in the auditory mode. 0 to 10: you are not really in the auditory mode. Now to see your auditory pattern as a whole, place your scores on this chart: 0

7

11

NOT IN AUDITORY MODE

19

24 STRONGLY IN AUDITORY MODE

Finally, try this one: ■ ■

I RELY ON MY INTUITION QUITE A LOT. I LIKE ACTUALLY ‘BEING THERE’ AND EXPERIENCING WHAT’S BEING DESCRIBED.

188 be understood or be overlooked

■

I LIKE TOUCHING OR CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE RATHER THAN BEING A LITTLE DISTANT.

■ ■

I LIKE WORKING WITH MY HANDS. I REACT MORE TO HOW I FEEL ABOUT SOMEONE, RATHER THAN THE SOUND OF THEIR VOICE, OR HOW THEY APPEAR.

■

I OFTEN REACT WITH MY GUT.

TOTAL

■

Scores 18 to 24: you are strongly in the experiential mode. 11 to 17: you are modestly in the experiential mode. 0 to 10: you are not really in the experiential mode. Now to see your experiential pattern as a whole, place your scores on this chart: 0

7

NOT IN

11

19

24 STRONGLY IN

EXPERIENTIAL MODE

EXPERIENTIAL MODE

What does this reveal about your means of perception? What does your partner or close friend think? What did they score in relationship to you?

THIS MICRO UNDERSTANDING IN DETAIL visual mode Looks good. I can’t see your point. Expression: Clear as crystal. Visual people see the idea. People with a preference for the visual mode form pictures of concepts, ideas and answers to problems. They are influenced by, and prefer to think in, visual images. They find it more difficult to communicate on the telephone, through email or in writing, than face-toface. They often doodle or write down words or pictures to anchor their understanding of new information. They will use more visual terms such as: see, picture, draw, clear, look and vision. When choosing a new car, after having narrowed it down to two choices, it is the visual discrimination that will help make the final decision. pattern 7: seeing is believing 189

The appearance, lines or colour are very important. They prefer to see it, read it, study the diagram and examine the visual details. As leaders they often have a mental picture of the direction to follow. With visual people it may be helpful not to talk so much, but to find pictures, images and other ways of showing them what is being said. Visualisers prefer seeing the facts and looking at the other person; they respond best to pictures, slides, overheads, taking notes, as well as word pictures. At the same time they may suffer from visual overload from too much complex visual stimuli. They are not always good spellers, picking up the visual configuration but not filling in the necessary letters essential to the sound of the language. The system of learning called phonics is usually too slow for them, given their rapid visual processing. They often take impossibly confusing phone messages and do not respond well to verbal instruction or direction. About 45 per cent of the population has a strong preference for the visual mode.

visual stereotypes Phrases often are like this: ‘Now see here’, ‘Look at this’, ‘Looks OK’, ‘Clear as crystal’, ‘Do you see my point?’, ‘Watch out’, ‘Show me’, ‘Paint a picture’, ‘Clearly’, ‘Perspective’, ‘See.’ Behaviours may involve watching, looking, using displays in presentations, observing. Visuals find hobbies and jobs like artist, air traffic controller, film critic, painter, photographer, scientist, chess, doing cross-word puzzles, hairdresser, fantasy writer, scrabble, web designer, mathematician, interior decorator, programmer, cartoonist, brain surgeon, orthodontist, astronomer, art critic, architect, darts, stamp collecting, physicist, optician. Famous visual examples are Picasso, Monet, Jane Goodall, Oprah, Walt Disney, Madam Curie, Bill Gates, Robert Hughes, Leonardo Da Vinci, JRR Tolkien, Isaac Newton, Cyclops (the one-eyed Greek legend), Stephen Spielberg and Ridley Scott (film directors).

visual colleagues List some colleagues you know to be very visual.

auditory mode Sounds good. I don’t like the sound of that. Expression: Clear as a bell. 190 be understood or be overlooked

People who prefer the auditory mode listen to the concept and prefer to ‘sound out’ their ideas. They have greater sensitivity to the fine nuances of tonality and sound level. They tend to use language with more auditory references, such as ‘noise’, ‘listen’, ‘hear’, ‘sounds like’ and ‘tell me.’ When making the final choice on a car purchase, they make the decision based upon the sound of the car, the engine noise, the sound of the door shutting and the all-important stereo speaker or compact disc system. They like listening to conversations and hearing the sound of their own voice, and they tend to respond to fine differences in pitch and intensity. As leaders they prefer to ‘talk things through’ to formulate a solution or to understand a situation totally. In a team they like to talk problems over and sound out ideas. They are much more likely to benefit from taped presentations and other audio information systems than they are from experiencing or reading about something with no verbal reinforcement. Auditory people are often well suited to negotiation situations or receptionist duties or positions involving message taking, since they remember and are more likely to record messages and spell the details accurately. They often appreciate the sound of words and are more likely to appreciate literary forms that involve the use of pitch and rhythm. About 21 per cent of the population has a strong preference for the auditory mode.

auditory stereotypes Favourite phrases are: ‘Listen here’, ‘Say it again’, ‘Let’s talk it over’, ‘Sounds OK to me’, ‘I hear you’, ‘That speaks volumes’, ‘Sounds good’, ‘Rings a bell’, ‘In tune’, ‘Music to my ears’, ‘Speak to me’, ‘Mellifluous!’ Behaviours include listening, humming, tuning in, negotiating, talking, persuading, debating, talking to oneself, arguing. Jobs and activities could be musician, composer, teacher, opera singer, talk back radio announcer, translator, linguist, word games like twenty questions or Taboo, code breaker, receptionist, phone counsellor, call centre operator, mediator, police negotiator, conductor, ventriloquist, hearing specialist, music critic, debater, salesperson, piano tuner. Famous auditory examples are Beethoven, Samuel Morse (inventor of Morse code), Stravinsky, The Sirens (from Greek mythology), Ray Charles, Sigmund Freud, Whose line is it anyway?, Alexander Graham Bell, Satchmo Armstrong, Shakespeare, Orson Welles, Stevie Wonder, Walter Cronkite, Tom Sawyer, Secretary-General of the United Nations Kofi Annan, and John Lennon.

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auditory colleagues List some colleagues you consider to be very auditory.

experiential mode Feels good. Hold on a moment, that doesn’t sit comfortably with me. Expression: Get a grip. People who prefer the experiential mode like to ‘grasp’ the concept, ‘get the feel’ of it, ‘chew it over’ or ‘get in touch with’ their ideas. Their choice of a car is determined by how they feel after they have driven it, smelled the interior, sat in it and touched it. They like being there and having experiences in a ‘hands-on’ manner, rather than listening to or looking at things. These people prefer good practical exercises at a seminar to watching and listening. They appreciate participating and are predominantly influenced by how they feel. As leaders they often understand things intuitively. In today’s society these are often the most poorly understood and easily discounted of all communicators. They are most effective in professions where it is important to reach the feelings of others or to respond more intuitively to the environment. They make great managers, masseurs and healers. About 34 per cent of the population has a strong preference for the experiential mode.

experiential stereotypes Phrases may be: ‘Hold on’, ‘I’m stuck’, ‘Feels right to me’, ‘I’ve a bad feeling about it’, ‘Can’t seem to move around this problem’, ‘Doesn’t sit well with me’, ‘Get a handle on it’, ‘When the shit hits the fan’, ‘Sweet!’, ‘Moving the goal posts’, ‘Run it up the flag pole’, ‘Is it set in concrete?’, ‘Level playing field’, ‘Where the rubber hits the road’, ‘Touching base’, ‘The pointy end.’ Behaviours include moving around, touching, holding, grasping, feeling, sensing. Hobbies and jobs include chef, sculptor, mud wrestling, gardening, bushwalking, park ranger, jigsaw puzzles, macramé, sewing, quilting, carpentry, plumbing, martial arts, wrestling, acting, mime, photography, theatre, karate, skiing, surfing, abseiling, grid iron, mah jong, dominoes, backgammon, taxidermy, masseuse. Famous experiential examples are The Naked Chef, Julia Child, Al Pacino (in Scent of a Woman), Nelson Mandela, Rudolf Nureyev, Sir Edmund Hillary, Pete Sampras, Joan of Arc, Lleyton Hewitt, King Midas (everything he 192 be understood or be overlooked

touched turned to gold), Dick Smith, Helen Keller, Houdini, Archimedes, Evil Knievel, Sir Richard Branson, Auguste Rodin, the Dalai Lama, Hannibal Lecter, Nike (Just do it), Nostradamus and Marcel Marceau.

experiential colleagues List some colleagues you consider to be very experiential.

PERCEPTION DIMENSION DIFFERENCES Visualisers look at things and react to the appearance. They see the world and display their wares. Auditory folk react to the sound of the world; they talk it through to understand it. Experientials live in their feelings. They engage the world through touch and sensory impressions. There is some harmony that comes in workgroups where there is representation of all three systems. For example, you might have the very visual stage director, the auditory musical conductor or arranger, your very experiential dancer, and then the multi-faceted stage director who brings into harmony all three elements so that the whole experience of the audience is completely engaged. This shows why a play or an opera is harder to create than a simple one-faceted medium like writing a book or painting a picture or writing a song or cooking a dish of food.

see here Trevor spent hours preparing the PowerPoint slides for his sales presentation. He studied them closely and even projected a couple of them on the screen to see how they looked from the back of the room. He fastidiously included exquisite colours and the company logo as well as the client’s logo. He managed to incorporate all the pictures, graphs, and tables perfectly and have the script rolling with good visual effects. He was rightly pleased. After the third run through he was ready to show the presentation to his boss. He set it all up and projected the first two slides on the screen. The boss said, ‘That’s fine. Tell me about the facts though. Sell it to me.’ ‘Er, well a picture tells a thousand words. Look at what I’m showing. Like this next graph: it dramatically shows our sale variance across our five main products.’ ‘Yeah well, talk about it. Tell me why there is a variance. What does it mean?’ pattern 7: seeing is believing 193

‘Yes. Yes. The next PowerPoint shows the gap. See the divergence here and here.’ ‘So explain it then. What does it mean?’ ‘Ah there is a slide down here which maps it all out, see? Look at this.’ ‘But how are you going to convince them? What is your pitch? How do you persuade them? These slides are just props. What is the meat of your presentation?’ Trevor looked out the window. It looked safer out there. He turned back to his boss, worried about how he was going to convince him of the value of these slides.

THE PERCEPTION CONNECTION matching The well-matched relationship is between like types: visual with visual, auditory with auditory, and experiential with experiential.

mismatching Unlike elements are mismatched: visual is mismatched with auditory and experiential and vice versa. Visualisers relate naturally well to others who are also visual communicators. They are less effective with those who prefer auditory and experiential mode. People who prefer auditory mode relate naturally well to others who are auditory. They are less effective with the visual and experiential people. Those who prefer the experiential mode relate naturally well with others who are experiential. They may be less effective with their visual and auditory colleagues. A strong visual may be overlooked (by an auditory or experiential) because they seem to have few feelings or don’t listen. An auditory person may be overlooked (by a visual or experiential) because they don’t seem to describe things clearly or meaningfully enough. An experiential person may be overlooked (by a visual or auditory) because they rely too much on their intuition and don’t show or discuss the evidence.

perceptual prejudices Visual people may view auditory folk as talking too much — full of hot air, or ‘all talk and no action.’ They don’t look carefully and see the evidence staring them in the face. 194 be understood or be overlooked

Experientials may be dismissed as too emotional, or even hysterical, for similar reasons. Auditory types are possibly biased about visuals as being too clinical and quick to judge. They just don’t talk it through to get all sides of the story, making up their mind on what appears to be the case without discussing it. Experientials gush and emote but do not engage in dialogue. They seem to talk about themselves and their experiences without connecting with the other person at all. Experiential people are confused about the coldness and lack of emotion of visuals. How can you form an opinion without taking into account your emotional components? They respond too quickly and miss out on important aspects of mood and the interpersonal dynamics. The auditory person does engage with others, but seems to talk it all away. They don’t talk about feelings at all but only the issues at hand. Therefore they miss out on crucial evidence. They are shallow.

double blind George Chui was in his element. He was in the second hour of a heated debate with one of his (less esteemed) psychology colleagues at the university. ‘Carole, Carole’, he continues with a patronising tone, ‘the power of cognitive dissonance is obviously over-rated. Festinger’s work has been vastly drowned out in subsequent years.’ ‘George, George, drowned out by whom? Your tiny contribution? I think not’, retorted Carole. ‘Yes, and I am supported by Claybourne and others too. Listen, evolutionary psychology has stolen your thunder. You have been swamped by better propositions!’ ‘Rubbish. Listen to yourself. Raving on without any foundation for your position. It is a transient position and it will pass.’ And so they continued round and round, over and over. Two auditory academics locked into a serious but pleasant debate about a favourite area of their discipline. The argument continues because they are matched with each other; they both need to talk it out, and work it through. Such complementary styles tend to continue conversations, even unpleasant ones. This is why teenagers and parents can get into drawn out yelling matches: their perceptual styles are matched, and therefore the hidden dynamics of evolutionary patterns cause the argument to continue.

can’t you feel how wrong this is? Margaret was weeping. Her partner, Ross, was being even more distant and pattern 7: seeing is believing 195

closed off than usual. His frown and tight jaw seemed like a body blow to her. ‘Just tell me what’s going on’, she pleaded. ‘Tell me what you feel about this.’ ‘I showed you my schedule. I clearly need some time to myself. That’s all.’ Cold, unfeeling and abrupt. Margaret cried some more. ‘God, cut out the emotional blackmail will you. Look at yourself. Give me a break.’ ‘But why are you acting this way? What’s going on inside? How can you do this?’, Margaret struggled to say. ‘Look I told you. Work is frantic and I just need some time alone. A few weeks is all. Where is the drama in that?’ ‘How does this make me feel then? Completely abandoned and rejected. It is so cruel and hurtful. How can you do this to me?’ ‘Look here, that is really too much. I’m just taking some time for myself. See it from my viewpoint why don’t you. You, the kids, all this going on while I have to get the new trading account completed by the end of the month. It is just time out for me.’ ‘Oh I feel just devastated. Why can’t you feel that. Don’t you care at all?’ ‘You know I care. I show you all the time. Why are you falling apart like this?’ The experiential Margaret is out of her depth with the clinically visual Ross. He doesn’t show his feelings nor is he able to ‘see’ hers. She seems more emotional (to him) than she actually is. He appears more cold and unfeeling (to her) than he really is. This mismatching of the perception pattern tends to escalate and compound their difficulties with each other.

IMPROVING THE PERCEPTUAL CONNECTION benefits and liabilities of perception These differ depending on which perception pattern a person uses. For example: • Visuals are good at spotting nuances in the way things look. Their sharp visual acuity helps them distinguish changes in patterns and images. They can miss out on displaying and tuning in to emotions and engaging in supportive discussions. • Auditory experts are brilliant at fine-tuning the sound of things. They are good with the ‘gift of the gab’, and can talk their way out of anything. They may overlook important visual signs or connections to the other’s feelings. • Experientials are excellent at determining the emotional tenor of a 196 be understood or be overlooked

group or situation. They can tap into the emotional pulse and respond appropriately. Unfortunately they are not so effective at seeing the writing on the wall, or in talking things over.

TEAM AND TASK SELECTION ON THE PERCEPTION PATTERN Team roles and certain tasks often lend themselves more directly to visuals or to auditory people or experientials.

visual roles and tasks The • • • • •

kinds of tasks and roles for which visuals are naturally suited include: editing other people’s work proofreading submissions and reports designing PowerPoint presentations watching out for telltale expressions face-to-face contacts.

auditory roles and tasks Examples of auditory roles include: • talking things over • debates and selling people on things • talking on the phone • non face-to-face client contact • mediation.

experiential roles and tasks Experiential people do well in roles such as: • stirring up the team’s emotions • developing creative ideas • putting a human face to the team • supportive face-to-face contact • modelling emotional management.

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE PERCEPTION PATTERN Really outstanding perceptual people are excellent across all three pattern 7: seeing is believing 197

components. Great world leaders stir the masses with words, images, feelings and tones that engage all senses. John Kennedy and Winston Churchill had it. Unfortunately so did Hitler. Leonardo Da Vinci, excelled at art, music, design, science and philosophy. The rest of us can develop this skill too. Let us see (and hear and feel) how. If you are dealing with someone who has a quite different perceptual system to yourself in your business or other relationships, how can you use your knowledge from this chapter to increase your understanding and effectiveness? If you are visual what are effective actions that you can take to better understand and be understood by auditory or experiential colleagues or friends?

how visuals can seem more like auditory and experientials Visual processors can use the following options: • close your eyes and listen • touch things • listen carefully for changes in voice tone • use words like: feel, listen, grasp, sounds like, stumbling in the mire, held back, pushed forward • stop using words like: vision, look, clear, bright, brilliant, see • listen to and engage in talkback radio • stop watching television • join a debating club • join a pottery club.

exercises Here are some exercises to help you consolidate your flexibility on this dimension of perception.

exercise 1 Have a friend collect 10 objects. Close your eyes and then touch and explore them. Suggestions: a cat; a rolling pin; a small plant; an ice cream in a cone; spaghetti. What does each item feel like? Describe it out loud. For each item, describe the difference between the sensation and how it appears.

exercise 2 Listen to the radio. What does it feel like? Describe the experience. 198 be understood or be overlooked

exercise 3 Arrange for trusted auditory and experiential colleagues to observe you making a presentation on tape or in role-play. Have them critique your presentation in order to help you increase your auditory and experiential skills.

exercise 4 This exercise is designed to help you identify how you started to be uncomfortable with other perceptual people. Pay attention to when you react negatively to someone at work or home who is a strong auditory or experiential. Make notes of the following: Does their behaviour remind you of someone? What is your major feeling about them? What is your precise reaction to them? How could you change this?

exercise 5 Borrow a stethoscope and listen to your heart. What does it sound like? What do you feel?

exercise 6 Make a list of the really good things that auditory and experiential friends have contributed to your way of seeing and doing things.

exercise 7 Consider the worst mistake you have made as a direct result of being so definitely visual in your perception. Think about how you have missed out on some other understandings from this incident. How could you take this opportunity to incorporate those learnings?

exercise 8 Identify two very strong auditory and experiential colleagues or friends whom you know. Study them carefully and note the following elements: How do they speak? What do they do when something good happens? What do they do when something bad happens? How do they solve problems or run a meeting?

exercise 9 Take off your shoes and walk in some mud. How does it feel?

exercise 10 Tape record your voice and play it over. Listen to the tone and pitch. pattern 7: seeing is believing 199

Practice changing it and keep recording and replaying until you are comfortable with how you sound. Good luck!

how auditory people can seem to be more like visuals and experientials Here are some ideas for learning to match other types: • close your ears a little and look very carefully at things • use some words like: feel, tune in, grasp, stumbling in the mire, held back, pushed forward, vision, look, clear, bright, brilliant, see • stop using words like: sounds like, listen here, tune in, let’s talk it over • feel what different voice tones are like • delegate a task to a visual or experiential friend • notice your reactions to a tune.

exercises exercise 1 Go to an art gallery. Look at the paintings. What do they tell you? How do they appear? What do you feel about them?

exercise 2 Block your ears and look at things without hearing them. What does this feel like? What do you see?

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a strong visual colleague to observe you making a presentation on tape or in role-play and have them critique your presentation in order to refine it and improve it as a more visual presentation. Repeat this exercise with an experiential friend.

exercise 4 Have someone else pick four very different types of objects. Draw a picture of each of them and explain your feelings about the drawings and each object.

exercise 5 Draw your watch from memory. Show the drawing to someone and explain it.

exercise 6 Make a list of the good ways that experientials and visuals could contribute to your way of perceiving things. 200 be understood or be overlooked

exercise 7 Make a list of the worst or commonest situations in which you’re likely to be very strongly auditory. Think about how you could improve your other perceptual abilities in those situations. How could you avoid them altogether?

how experiential people can seem to be more like visual and auditory people Some suggestions are: • look closely at things • use some words like: look, see here, listen to me, sounds like, clearly • delegate a task to a visual or auditory friend • think of colour • think words • don’t touch • don’t use words like: intuition, gut feel, in touch, grabs you, stuck, sucked in • wear gloves for a day.

exercises exercise 1 Get a book on colours. Note all the different colours and consider what separates them. Describe this to someone.

exercise 2 Listen to the radio. What does it sound like? Describe the experience.

exercise 3 Make an arrangement with a trusted visual to watch you make a presentation on tape or in role-play and have them critique your presentation in order to refine it and improve it as a more visual presentation. Repeat this exercise with an auditory colleague.

exercise 4 Enrol in a painting or drawing class. Discuss each session with a friend.

exercise 5 Go to an art gallery. Look at the paintings. What do they tell you? How do they appear? Describe them to someone.

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exercise 6 Make a list of the good ways that visuals and auditory people could contribute to your way of perceiving things.

exercise 7 Make a list of the commonest situations in which you’re likely to be very strongly experiential. Think about how you could build up or increase your perceptual flexibility in those situations. How could you avoid them altogether? All the best!

case study The job interview seemed to have gone well. Nonetheless David felt uneasy about his performance. He couldn’t put his finger on anything, but it just didn’t feel quite right somehow. He re-experienced the interview over again as the taxi took him back to his hotel. First the waiting. That was alright. They bought him a coffee and told him they would be ready in five minutes as scheduled. When he entered the room his heart nearly stopped as he saw only two panel members standing up to greet him. He had expected the Chair, two architects at least, and someone from HR, as well as an engineer. Most upsetting. Only two panel members. They shook hands. David gave a good firm grip as a sign of strength yet comfort. He composed his feelings. ‘Lovely day isn’t it’, said the Chair, Dr Harvey Jenks, glancing out the 30th floor window. ‘So beautiful in springtime.’ ‘Yes, it has that expectant air to it doesn’t it?’ David replied. ‘Yes, well we’re impressed with your c.v. and are keen to see what you can show us about yourself ’, Dr Jenks continued. David thanked him with a mere tinge of humility. ‘Perhaps if you start with the obvious issue of why, given your excellent track record you are even contemplating leaving Carstairs and Co. and coming to join us?’, the HR Director, Andrew, inquired. ‘That’s straightforward. I feel I’ve done all I can there. I feel in my bones that I will have more breadth and opportunity with your firm.’ David felt good about that. He had rehearsed just that question. ‘Excellent. Just what we saw as being the reason. Look, please show us some of the ideas then that we might engage in if you were to join us.’ ‘Yes I’d be pleased to do that. The small multi-complex office is what excites me and seems to have real synergy with what you create here. The form is amorphous yet defining at the same time, like a wild parkland with cleverly designed pathways.’ 202 be understood or be overlooked

‘Certainly we see ourselves specialising in that style and feature, yes. Can you show us some of your ideas then about how you might approach it?’ ‘Certainly’, David beamed. ‘The suspended roof captures the essence I believe of this concept. It snugly joins the open space and the formal structure together. Like a reef knot as it were.’ ‘That ah, sounds intriguing. There’s a whiteboard on that wall. Would you like to perhaps draw out some of the lines to clarify your point even more?’, Dr Jenks inquired. ‘Sure.’ David went to the whiteboard and quickly sketched his design, speaking as he drew the figure. ‘You can tell this is compressing, because of the downward push of the beams, here and here.’ He stopped drawing and turned to them again. ‘It just grabs me, this sense of space yet control. So liberating and comforting. You can really feel it can’t you?’ He resumes adding some more lines, but stops to say, ‘This is really engaging. I can’t properly express my excitement. You have the best engineers — I know we will connect. It is a real solid blend of design and construction.’ ‘Yes. Yes it is. Er, David, what’s that angle there on the end?’ ‘Ah, that’s where the weight beam joins the upright. It is counterweighted rather delicately I think with the horizontal lines.’ ‘Can you draw it perhaps?’ David adds a few quick lines to his diagram. ‘It’s easier to describe it I think. Takes a while to draw it properly. As I’ve described it, the process is really snug. Packs together like a toolbox that can open out for wider use. It’s quite extraordinary. The whole thing blends into the background at each end. Remarkable.’ ‘It is yes, David. Quite remarkable.’ The interview continued for another hour — a good sign, David considered. Near the end the HR director inquired, ‘Now David, do you have any questions for us?’ ‘Well, we’ve covered salary and conditions already, just a possible commencement date is all. I need to give a month’s notice and I really need some leave. Would the 20th of August be acceptable to you?’ ‘We were prepared for that kind of delay, so no real problems. That’s it then. Would you like to see around our place, David?’ ‘Thank you. But I have a really nice feeling about the atmosphere here already. I just know I will fit right in. Thanks again for your time.’ Yes, David reflected in the taxi, it all felt very positive, but...

consultant’s analysis David has a good reason to be uncertain. His mismatching with the two interpattern 7: seeing is believing 203

viewers on the perceptual pattern alone may well have been sufficient to cost him the job. This is really unfortunate for both David and the firm, because he is the best in the trade. He didn’t fully convey his competence in the interview however. He didn’t display his skills in a way that Harvey and Andrew could fully appreciate. Being visual they were looking for evidence to show them of David’s skill and suitability. They asked for drawings (they even had a whiteboard ready), and displays they could see. David, unusually for an architect, is more strongly experiential than visual. He conveyed his knowledge, not by sketches and word pictures, but by tactile stories and metaphors. He wanted to demonstrate his suitability so they could experience his skill and subtlety. They were looking for pictures to show them. Finally, at a social level this mismatching was also quite negative. At the end of the interview they offered David a chance to ‘look around the building’. As visual people, it would have been good for rapport to see David walking through their offices and ‘seeing’ their world. From his side he was so connected with his good experience of the sensations of the place, and his ‘fit’ with them, that he missed this opportunity as with several other occasions to be influential at a subtle level.

recipe for understanding David really should have considered his audience more carefully. Clearly he did his homework on the firm and its interests and directions. The facts and the content were well researched. If he had considered too, some of the nonverbal knowledge that was at his disposal he would have been more comprehensively prepared. Especially during the interview itself, David missed many of the gentle and noticeable signals seeking visual responses. David would have improved his influence and credibility by reducing his own tendency to be concerned with feelings and experiences, creating more visual communication options to match his audience. He could have brought drawings and designs with him to ‘show’ in the interview. He should have taken the time to draw in detail on the whiteboard and left the commentary for answering follow-up questions. While he is good at his profession his only window to show Harvey and Andrew was blurred with experiential material instead of clear visual pictures and diagrams. He didn’t show them his skills so they could see what they were getting.

204 be understood or be overlooked

IN CONCLUSION This last evolutionary pattern brings us back to our perceptions. This chapter reinforces how much seeing is believing, and how often we see what isn’t there! What we see, hear and feel also affects our influence skills. So often we have understanding in our grasp, only to have it slip through our fingers because we become distracted by mismatched patterns. Visual people like to see what they are getting. Auditory people like to talk about it. Experiential people like to feel it. Failure to present your information in the appropriate communication channel results in a failure to be fully understood. This is true of course for all seven of the dimensions. The seven evolutionary patterns are an integral part of our influence behaviour. Usually they are outside our daily level of consciousness. We know that the new sales manager is somewhat irritating, but we don’t fully recognise that he is an exaggerator who causes us (as understaters) to feel like we are being conned and hustled. We know we get on really well with the client from North Ryde, yet we miss how compatible we are on the linear and detailer behaviours. Worse still, we form assumptions about others based on these hidden patterns. These assumptions lead to judgments and decisions that reduce our influence and damage our understanding. Without knowing it we can be overlooked. Alternatively we can overlook a colleague or client who actually has an important contribution to make. The thoughtful strategic use of these patterns will dramatically increase your ability to understand and be understood. In the next chapter we will consider a new element in our influence set: the behaviour of recognition. We will also construct our overall leadership and learning style. Together these aspects, combined with the astute use of the seven patterns, make for effective leadership and management skills. They hold the keys to personal Mastery in communication.

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part three We have identified that there are consistent evolutionary patterns of communication behaviour. Within these patterns however we have suggested there is a great range of diversity. Everyone communicates in their own unique way. We now focus on leadership styles and the nature of motivation and recognition. The research has established that there is no one correct leadership style. The way your unique communication behaviours shape your own individual leadership style is the subject of this section. A skillful leader uses their style in a way that is matched to the other person and the situation; every encounter requires a unique strategy. So too an effective leader motivates and recognises others in a specifically individualised manner. This is true leadership.

chapter 11

comprehensive understanding

‘She is just impossible!’ (Yelling, irritated, fists clenched.) ‘No she’s not. She tries hard and often makes really creative suggestions.’ (Loud then calm, engaging, soft tone.) ‘I can’t stand her. She really screwed up that Chatlem submission.’ (Intense, tight faced, upset.) ‘Yes she did, but she also saved our hide with the Berger job, didn’t she?’ (Quiet, upbeat tone, eye contact.) ‘Yeah. Yeah that’s true. But why does she seem so useless so often?’ (Slowing down, less tension, eye contact.) ‘Maybe because you yell at her so often.’ (Quiet, steady tone, hand on shoulder.) ‘But I tell her when she does well, don’t I?’ (Puzzled, uncertain, restless.) ‘Yes, you do. But listen, your good comments are never as loud as your bad ones.’ This is a conversation about recognition and acknowledgment, which we will be going into in this chapter in some depth. There is a lot of power in the way in which we give criticism and compliments. In fact it raises the whole issue of motivating others. Reward and punishment has been the core of management theory ever since we began organising ourselves in tribes. Up to now we have considered many aspects of the way in which we influence others and achieve understanding. This is another deeper layer of being understood or being overlooked — the culture of recognition.

BEING NOTICED There are four ways to give recognition or feedback, according to the research cited in the leadership text, Developing Management Skills: A comprehensive guide for leaders. First, it can be positive or negative in nature, and there are two kinds of each. The four types are: • the wow! factor • what a good effort! • that’s wrong • you complete loser. The nature of feedback provided by a manager to a staff member, or a leader to a team member, has a dramatic effect upon their level of motivation. This in turn has an effect on their productivity. This feedback may be provided verbally or non-verbally to make its impact. Faking it doesn’t work: people don’t comprehensive understanding 209

have to be psychologists to know when they are being conned or patronised. The comments need to be genuine in order to have the effects described below.

the wow! factor This is general positive feedback, comments like, ‘You’re good to work with’, or ‘I appreciate you.’ It applies to the person themselves because of who they are. It is not specifically connected to any particular behaviour of theirs. It might be a non-verbal gesture, like a warm smile, a pat on the shoulder or just sharing lunch. Giving this feedback to someone says, ‘I really like you regardless of any of your achievements or failings.’ The person is recognised for who they are, not what they have done. It is personal. It is about the whole person. It is their character that is being acknowledged.

what a good effort! This is specific positive feedback such as, ‘Thanks for helping me with that job yesterday’, or ‘I’m glad you got that report to me so quickly.’ It might be a thumbs-up sign to acknowledge something the other person has just completed. It applies directly to a good task or action the person has done. It communicates to the person that their action was valued and seen in a positive light. You appreciate them for their effort. The focus is specifically on their actions and performance not on them generally as a person.

that’s wrong This is specific negative feedback, such as ‘You sure didn’t help much yesterday!’, or ‘This report isn’t done properly.’ In this case, the performance or action is not appreciated and is clearly pointed out. This sends the message, ‘When you do such and such I am not pleased.’ This feedback is clearly a de-motivator.

you complete loser The final type of recognition is the generalised negative. Examples include expressions like, ‘You’re hopeless!’, or ‘You’re impossible to work with.’ It can also be conveyed by non-verbal actions like angry scowls, rolling the eyes or ignoring the person altogether. This type of feedback says, ‘You’re a loser regardless of what you do.’ It is powerful because it applies to the whole personality and is not connected to a particular behaviour or action. It is not like the specific positive above which is linked to a specific action or behaviour. This feedback has a history. The exasperation is about who the person is, and not necessarily about what they have just done. As such it causes the most serious level of de-motivating force. These types of feedback or recognition have the same effect in all our rela210 be understood or be overlooked

tionships: at home, socially and at work. ‘I love you’, expressed in words or actions, is a nice acceptance of our partner. ‘Thanks for helping me with dinner’, or ‘That’s a nice shade of lipstick’, is a specific compliment. ‘I’m not happy you didn’t phone me earlier’, is a definite specific criticism. ‘You’re a real pain’, sends a very negative blanket criticism about the person. For your work environment, try this quick audit of your own recognition leadership skills: In the last month, think about your own use of these types of feedback and recognition. How often did you give others a general positive? Or a specific positive? How about a specific negative or general negative? Add them up in your head. What do the totals tell you? What is the ratio of each type? Based on this quick audit, do you consider you are a positive motivating leader or a demotivating one? Why? What behaviours contributed to the positives? How about the negatives? Make some comments about what you will do about this. You may want to try this same audit of your complimenting and criticising behaviour at home. In the last month how often did you give Wow! feedback? How many ‘what a good effort’ compliments? What number of ‘that’s wrong’ criticisms? And how often did you make ‘complete loser’ responses? Based on this home audit do you consider you are a positive motivating partner or a de-motivating one? Are you creating a ‘be understood’ or a ‘be overlooked’ situation? Why? What behaviours contributed to the positives? And the negatives? Make some comments about what you will do about this. These four types are interesting in themselves. But psychologists always want to be seen as more scientific and less wishy-washy, so they have worked out the motivating force of each type. What is dramatic is the potency of each type of recognition. What impact do they have on people? What effect do they have on motivating or demotivating others? What is the hidden power of recognition? Here are the four types of recognition again, with their measures of potency: • the Wow! factor (the general positive) = +100 motivating units • the ‘What a good effort’ response (the specific positive) = +50 motivating units • the ‘That’s wrong’ response (the specific negative) = –200 motivating units • the ‘You complete loser’ label (the general negative) = –1000 motivating units. comprehensive understanding 211

Boy, does that separate out positive recognition from negative! The first, the general positive, is ten times less powerful than the last, or the general negative. The specific positive is four times less potent than the specific negative. We are hurt by negative comments much more than we are buoyed by positive compliments. We remember criticism much longer than praise. The negative always has more impact; it lasts longer, goes deeper, and festers inside us. The next observation is that a specific positive (what a good effort!) is only half as potent as a general positive (wow! you’re great). That is, ‘You’re wonderful’, is twice as positive as ‘That was well done.’ When a father watches his son play basketball and he sees the boy score 20 points in a game, he might say, ‘Hey, Pete, you played well. 20 points! Hey top goal scorer for the team, that’s great.’ In this exchange Peter is given 50 units of positive feelings for shooting baskets well. The thing is, the praise is related directly to scoring well; shooting accurately; being the highest scorer. That was nice to be sure. But to earn that praise again he needs to hit at least 20 points next week. And the week after. And again after that. Now, what if the father were to say, for no particular reason, out of the blue, at a time when Peter is not necessarily being a star, ‘You are great! I love you.’ This type of recognition is worth 100 units of self-esteem and motivation. It is twice as powerful as the ‘great shooting’ feedback. Why? Peter doesn’t have to do anything at all to earn this. He just has to exist. The praise is for him as he is, warts and all. He doesn’t need to perform well in order to be appreciated. The Wow! type 1 motivator (general positive) is necessary for self-esteem, self-confidence and creativity. This form of recognition encourages innovation and risk-taking. When we feel accepted and valued for who we are, we are more confident and comfortable being ourselves. Research shows that this is precisely the required condition for risk-taking and creativity. People who are scared to make a mistake or frightened to stick their neck out tend to play it safe. They are cautious and hesitant. They don’t make waves. They are not innovative or strong leaders. They are overlooked. However, people who work in an organisation where genuine and varied type 1 feedback is freely given, feel good about being at work. They are valued as people, for being themselves. They feel confident and worthwhile. They feel important and trusted. They try things. They experiment. They feel OK if they make mistakes. They disagree with poor ideas and generate new ones. They are significantly more productive than their less-recognised colleagues. By the way, there is no evidence that general positive praise causes swollen heads, or causes people to stop performing. Valuing a person’s humanity doesn’t damage their drive to be productive. 212 be understood or be overlooked

The type 2 and the type 3 motivators (specific positive and specific negative) are essential for training people in new tasks. In order to teach new skills people need to be shown the techniques and then praised when they get it right and told when they get it wrong. Notice how type 3 (specific negative) is easier for us to fall into, yet is de-motivating. The specific positive is more rewarding but usually requires more patience and tolerance. It is much harder waiting for the 11-year-old to remember to wipe their muddy boots before stomping over the new carpet, so you can say ‘Hey, thank you for wiping your boots!’ It is easier for us to yell, ‘How many times have I told you to take off those muddy boots before you come inside!!’ The 11-year-old however learns more quickly and more strongly with the first approach than with the second. Similarly, type 2 and 3 motivators are part of shaping peoples’ understanding of the way we do things. They are culture builders. The comment: ‘Hey good on you for working back late’, shapes and rewards hard work and long hours. The feedback: ‘I’m really irritated you didn’t help me with those customers’, defines the value of customer service in the work place. The first approach combines learning with an accepting rewarding culture. The second shapes expectations and rewards in a more constricted way. For this reason it is good to get the balance right. At least four times the number of specific positives to specific negatives is the aim. The last motivator, type 4 (general negative) usually scares people into short-term performance improvement. However it quickly demoralises and reduces productivity. This type of feedback damages self-esteem and selfconfidence. It directly affects creativity and risk-taking. Too much general negative feedback makes the workplace an unpleasant environment. It reduces trust. The major outcome is time wastage, increased absenteeism and workers compensation claims — in short, it’s expensive! It was a very popular style among certain football coaches a few years ago, and it still seems to have currency with some CEOs and managers in our organisations. We are all human, and therefore an occasional general negative may pass our lips. It can be reclaimed a little, by simply apologising. A statement like ‘I’m sorry I lost it earlier. I was upset over something else and I took it out on you’, can go a long way to making up some of the lost integrity and trust. The apology needs to be sincere though to have any real benefit. Return now to the brief audit of recognition leadership you conducted above. What reactions do you now have to your review, given the potency values for the different types of recognition? Does this change your action plan? Now let’s move from you to your workplace. What are the feedback and recognition patterns where you work? comprehensive understanding 213

Examine your organisation in relation to the four kinds of recognition. What is the commonest type of feedback? What is next most popular? And next, and last? What does this suggest about where you work? What does this mean? What are you going to do about it? This discussion of recognition makes us aware of how easy and simple it is to motivate or de-motivate people. Effective motivation is not fancy. It is basic, simple, honest and easily overlooked. It is easy to discount the power of simple feedback, yet it is the foundation of trust and influence. This framework also gives lie to the simplistic ‘give a positive with every negative’ type of management advice. First, this advice is a formula and not a genuine response. Second, the sum of a specific positive (+50) and a specific negative (–200), is –150 — a demotivating outcome, not a balance. This topic clarifies why many organisational change programs so often fail when they look like they should work. They fail because the workforce is already de-motivated. It has been a place with too many specific and general negatives. Morale is down and so are trust and risk-taking. How can people put genuine effort into a change program with such a handicap? In this kind of environment there is a perceived gap between the positives that are promised and people’s current experience of recognition. It results in cynicism and token attempts to comply. The outcome is a lack of effective influence. It is clear from this model that negatives are always more potent and are remembered far longer than positives. In a work environment it is easy to build up a negative motivating economy or lowered morale, simply because of a lack of care about the nature of feedback given. This is a subtle way of undermining effective influence in the whole culture and ensuring that people are misunderstood and overlooked. It is not easy to be effective when all those around you are low in morale and self-confidence.

FEEDBACK TEST There are six case studies presented below. As you read each one, see if you can identify the types of feedback employed and add up the total motivation score that results from each scenario. The answers are given in the Appendix.

case study 1 Bui worked in the records section of an insurance company. She was having 214 be understood or be overlooked

a bad week. The investigation files had been misplaced, and she was way behind in collating the data from the medical section too. With some stress and anxiety she made a time to see her branch manager, Helen. After explaining everything thoroughly Bui waited for the reaction. Helen said, ‘Oh you poor thing. What a week! Let’s talk about getting you some extra help to sort stuff out. But first come with me, we are going to have some coffee and cake at the cafe around the corner. You are such an asset here I can’t stand to see you so miserable. Come on let’s go!’

case study 2 Lawrence Chen was going over his account manager’s quarterly report with him. ‘Yes Gary, the details on Madgewicks are excellent. The stuff for our people is stupid though. You need to include the staff costings or else the whole thing is meaningless. And the project scenarios are confusing; what the hell does ‘emails are stretching us’ mean? Anyway I’ve made some changes and comments on those sections for you to resubmit. Overall the report is pretty good though.’

case study 3 Bryce listened carefully during the team meeting as they all discussed the workplace change initiative that was to be implemented next month. There was discussion for and against, but nothing was really coming together. The team leader, Christine, was cautious but seemed a little discouraged. Bryce made some clarifying comments about the process, which really helped get the conversation back on track and progress from that point. At the end of the meeting, Christine called Bryce back and said, ‘Thanks very much for those observations. It really clarified where we were stuck and freed us up. I appreciate your support.’

case study 4 When Claudine entered the meeting, Kevin sighed, frowned and smirked to himself. During the discussion he deliberately conversed with George whenever Claudine was speaking. He shuffled papers, looked out the window and shifted in his chair. He looked at others in the room when he was speaking but avoided eye contact with Claudine.

case study 5 The creative team were well into the third hour of their project on the Hyde account. The wine was flowing and the discussion zapping creatively. ‘What about a dog wagging the brush in his mouth?’ ‘Great idea. And maybe running in circles?’ ‘Yeah. Terrific. Hey that is clever. The dog that circles!’ comprehensive understanding 215

‘Thanks.’ Mary hugs Frank. ‘What a team! I love working with you guys.’

case study 6 Henry was going through the document completed by the new staff member. ‘OK Karen, your time is quite fast. I like that. The layout and formatting is also neat and consistent. You got that spot on. By the way you seem to fit in very well here; it’s nice to have another cheery face. Now the style we use means no full stops after headings and the address needs to be in the centre, not the left. Clear? Good. Do you have any questions? Can I help with anything else? Righto, see you tomorrow.’

YOUR OVERALL INFLUENCE PROFILE At this stage it is time to collect together all the parts of your evolutionary influence patterns from the previous chapters and compile your overall comprehensive leadership profile. This process will reveal to you, perhaps for the first time, new insights into your true leadership style. Think of it as another piece of the puzzle along the way to Communication Mastery. Here’s what you do:

transferring your scores Transfer your scores for the patterns questions at the beginning of each chapter from Chapter 5 to Chapter 10 to the table below. Note that for this profile we will not use the scores for the perceptual system (visual, auditory and experiential). Those scores add another dimension to your sense of personal Communication Mastery and need to be considered independently of leadership style, the main focus here. Remember that each dimension has two opposite ends (for example, timing is described by a rapid and a gradual score), so there are twelve scores to enter.

patterns score table RAPID PROCESSOR (PAGE 68) EXAGGERATOR (PAGE 91) LINEAR THINKER (PAGE 115) DETAILER (PAGE 135) SELF-EVALUATOR (PAGE 152) INITIATOR (PAGE 170)

■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

216 be understood or be overlooked

GRADUAL PROCESSOR (PAGE 68) UNDERSTATER (PAGE 92) LATERAL THINKER (PAGE 115) CONCEPTUALISER (PAGE 136) OTHER-EVALUATOR (PAGE 152) RESPONDER (PAGE 170)

■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

your leadership / management profile These scores will now be used to reveal your unique leadership profile through four leadership styles, which are: • planner • creator • developer • analyser. Once your preference order for leadership style has been revealed to you, we will discuss each one in turn and what it means for you as a leader, as a team member, at home and as a learner. By knowing (and becoming a Master of) your own profile, you will be able to master the styles of others and, by matching them and knowing their strengths and weaknesses, greatly improve your ability to communicate and influence those around you. You will be a leader who is understood and certainly not overlooked. To identify your strongest leadership style, add up the scores for each set of six patterns for each leadership style as indicated below.

style 1 planner Add up your scores for: RAPID PROCESSOR LINEAR THINKER SELF-EVALUATOR

TOTAL

■

■ ■ ■

■

DETAILER

EXAGGERATOR ■

■

INITIATOR

(YOUR SCORE FOR THE PLANNER STYLE)

style 2 creator Add up your scores for: EXAGGERATOR INITIATOR CONCEPTUALISER

TOTAL

■

■ ■ ■

SELF-EVALUATOR

■

GRADUAL PROCESSOR ■ LATERAL THINKER

■

(YOUR SCORE FOR THE CREATOR STYLE)

style 3 developer Add up your scores for: RESPONDER UNDERSTATER CONCEPTUALISER

■ ■ ■

■ ■ PROCESSOR ■

OTHER-EVALUATOR LATERAL THINKER GRADUAL

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TOTAL

■

(YOUR SCORE FOR THE DEVELOPER STYLE)

style 4 analyser Add up your scores for: UNDERSTATER RESPONDER DETAILER

TOTAL

■

■ ■ ■

OTHER-EVALUATOR RAPID PROCESSOR LINEAR THINKER

■ ■ ■

(YOUR SCORE FOR THE ANALYSER STYLE)

Write in the name of the leadership style that has the highest score in the first line, then the names of each other style in descending order of score. MY STRONGEST LEADERSHIP/LEARNING STYLE IS… MY SECOND PREFERRED STYLE IS… MY NEXT STYLE IN ORDER IS… MY LEAST FAVOURED STYLE IS…

Your highest score indicates your strongest, or most commonly used approach. (NB You may have two or more scores the same.) Your next highest score is your second most favoured leadership/learning style, and so on down to your fourth or least preferred style. Read about your strongest style below. You will also be able to see what the other styles are like in contrast to your favoured approach.

THE FOUR LEADERSHIP/MANAGEMENT STYLES planner as leaders and managers Planners tend to be authoritative in managing teams and meetings. They like making decisions and following a set agenda. They tend to set and meet deadlines. They can be inflexible and insist on procedures. They may be uncomfortable with delegation. They may interrupt others, asserting their authority to move the meeting in a pre-planned direction. They have difficulty getting on with creators, who they tend to see as softening results or obstructing progress. They often resist taking advice from developers, who look at the implementation side of decision making.

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as team members Planners can work powerfully and effectively as part of a team, but can have difficulties in adjusting to the empowerment of others. They may be impatient with what they would see as a slow and considered way of conducting meetings and discussions. When supporting the team leader they can be a great asset — but if contradicting the leader they can become a disturbing force. They can be useful in prodding a group into reaching a decision.

at home Planners arrange the home, shopping and holidays according to a planned schedule. There is a correct place and a right time for everything. They like familiar routines and are troubled by spontaneous events and reactions. Rituals are important. They stay at the same hotel and do the same things every holiday. They always squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom. The garbage bin always goes out Monday night. Sex is only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They are excellent organisers and time-efficiency experts who pay the bills and maintain the car. Things happen properly and you can rely on them. Please note that with the ‘At home’ descriptions for each of these leader styles, you may well recognise in yourself an occasional yet definite exception to the general examples presented. This is because when we are at home or off duty we are much more likely to reveal our strongest personality idiosyncrasies. These familial habits or pet obsessions are most resistant to our normal range of behavioural givens that customarily align with the leader styles. Apart from such notable exceptions the general descriptions hold true.

in learning situations strengths Planners like to be presented with information in an ordered, sequential, and commonsensical fashion. They prefer a hands-on approach to a theoretical discussion. They are more comfortable with real problems rather than philosophical abstractions. There is a wish to take some charge of the learning and be interactive during the learning process. The activity can have some energy and emotion attached to it but it is primarily task focused and businesslike. They like getting to the point and completing the process efficiently and effectively. They will initiate discussion and direction and will be concerned that the details make sense and contribute to the whole. They like the learning process to be time managed and well organised. They like to learn by ensuring the ideas have a practical application. They are best with short-term, quick-decision learning situations.

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limitations Planners can be inflexible and more interested in procedures and consistency than in discovery. They may be uncomfortable with very unstructured, open-ended, creative, brainstorming learning situations. In short they prefer to follow a plan. They tend to be impatient with time wasting and ambiguous endless discussions of the same matter. Because they like quick rapid solutions they may cut corners and implement things from a fairly fixed and narrow position. They don’t like extended and protracted learning situations. They do not like improvisation but with thorough preparation can handle challenging and uncertain learning situations skilfully.

problem-solving In problem solving, planners are methodical, organised and like conducting business by following a plan. They prefer traditional and pragmatically oriented problem-solving techniques to more creative/innovative approaches, although they tend to be curious and intrigued by new ideas if they can see any potential practical outcomes. They like Gantt charts, fish bone diagrams and agendas.

meeting exasperations Thomas sat silently seething. It was ten minutes past the hour. The Directors’ meeting should have started on time. Where were his two codirectors? He looked at his watch for the hundredth time. He looked at the business folders laid out in front of each director’s chair, with notepaper alongside. Pencil at the top. Agenda on the first page. Last month’s minutes. All properly prepared. Where were they? Monica and Charles burst into the room laughing. ‘So she said, “My damn computer keeps telling me I have mail!”’ Still laughing, Charles threw his sandwich on top of his folder and drank from his bottle of cola. ‘Hi Tommy’, he said. ‘Charles.’ A tight nod of the head. ‘Shall we start? You are late, both of you.’ ‘Oops’, said Monica. ‘OK, let’s proceed. There is a chart projection in the appendix that is relevant for the first agenda item. If you will both turn to that now.’ ‘Oh, do we have to do this matter? It never seems to go away’, exclaimed Monica. ‘I’d rather focus on the new office. Yes, let’s talk about the design and colours for that.’ ‘It is item 5 on the agenda.’ ‘Yes but we always waffle on about this bloody projection. I’m all so sick of it’, said Charles. 220 be understood or be overlooked

‘That’s because you two never settle long enough to make a decision about it!’, retorted Thomas. And so the meeting continued. Sometimes they made progress, but often they became sidetracked with frustration and exasperation. This is one example of poor matching between a planner (Thomas) and his partners, a creator (Monica) and a developer (Charles). In general, Thomas considers himself very orderly and focused. He likes to get things done properly, in correct sequence and in detail. The others see him as fussy and obsessive. He irritates them because he is so precise and often tunnel-visioned. He invites being teased. He is quick, but only when he knows exactly where he is going. New, unexpected directions with no boundaries and no agreed timelines are seen as time-wasters. He might agree that their impulsive sidetracks are often brilliant, but the spontaneity of their presentations without any context really throws him off balance and disturbs him. And anyway they keep making fun of him and he doesn’t have a good sense of humour. Thomas and his co-directors would benefit by arranging for one in every three meetings to be unplanned: no agenda, no focus and a loose timescale. If necessary, they could invite an outside facilitator to help keep it open and unconstrained. The others could coach Thomas in letting go and in letting himself use more imagination in these meetings. They could also remind him of the other two ‘proper’ business meetings between these free-flowing ones. Monica and Charles could be coached in the need to get some ‘boring’ business done on a regular basis. They could be encouraged to be punctual and to force themselves to stick to Thomas’s script. They should agree that he does this part so well.

creators as leaders and managers Creators tend to be dynamic, charismatic and enthusiastic team leaders. They engender spontaneity and bring a fresh approach to work tasks. They approach the task as if there were lots of time. They like taking risks and being spontaneous. They can change their opinions dramatically about something on which they once held very strong views. They enjoy delegating, but their direction and approach can be extremely flexible. They can be seen as too changeable and they can burn out staff because of their constantly changing direction.

as team members Similarly, they are exciting and energetic team members. They can work very well with an authoritative leader, but can dominate if the leader is not strong. They can engage in disruptive behaviour if they sense that they are being overcomprehensive understanding 221

looked or not receiving enough recognition. They add drama and vitality to a team and give lots of recognition and support to other team members. They tend to inspire others to take risks and to become more daring or creative in their contributions to solving problems. This can occasionally backfire with people who lack confidence and who may feel unable to contribute more.

at home Creators run a spontaneous home. People drop in unexpectedly, dinner is never regular, washing occurs when it happens. Holidays erupt at the last minute or not at all. Sometimes holidays change halfway through and become a different sort of holiday. Car and insurance bills are missed, lost and occasionally paid twice! Arguments and fun burst out unpredictably and are forgotten just as quickly. Creators are usually late for trips to restaurants, friends and the movies. They hardly ever make a list for shopping and end up buying all sorts of exciting and unnecessary items on impulse. They are fun, energetic, exciting. They can also be contradictory and exhausting.

in learning situations strengths Creators like exciting, unusual and haphazard learning situations. They enjoy ambiguous unclear and unstructured learning environments. They are excellent candidates for brainstorming, innovation and creative learning situations. They learn best by ‘trying things on’, ‘playing around with it’ and seeing what happens. They tend to be enthusiastic and energetic in their learning, preferring challenging and creative presentations and materials as opposed to dry, boring, uninteresting presentations and materials. They learn best by interacting with other people and the material in such a way that learning arises out of the process itself. They tend to be very flexible or changeable in their approach, strongly holding a certain position and then perhaps shifting to a contrary position equally strongly. They focus on the overall concept of the issue whilst coming at it from many different angles or even flying off on tangents. They are very good with unexpected and challenging situations where they are put on the spot and required to improvise and move quickly on their feet.

limitations Creators are more limited in straightforward, structured and well-planned learning environments. They become restless and want to shake things up, change direction and even change the entire agenda. They are impatient with too many details and precise methodical procedures. They like being actively involved rather than sitting back quietly and letting other people have a turn. 222 be understood or be overlooked

They are not comfortable with large amounts of reading, analysing and reflecting. This is especially true if the learning process is supposed to fit into some kind of a coherent model or process. They don’t like telling about their expectations of a new learning experience before engaging in the learning itself.

problem-solving Innovative problem solving is the natural style for creators. They solve problems and make decisions by intuitive reaction that arises out of getting in the middle of the situation. They hold onto the essence or concept and shake it hard until an answer falls out. They like drawings, role-plays and activities that make you feel something.

champagne campaign ‘It’s utterly incredible!! It’s unbelievable! The best ever!’, an exhausted Geoff exclaimed. ‘Oh this is fun. We get paid for this!?’, Jianling added. ‘It is a great concept isn’t it?’, Trevor chipped in. ‘It will really sell well.’ The room was a mess. Empty food containers, leftover drinks, papers, samples and shoes scattered everywhere. The three had been working on a new marketing campaign for their pharmaceutical company’s latest product that had just been approved by the government. They had been away at a retreat resort for the last three days. They had worked each day till they dropped, with hundreds of ideas developed and tons of energy to do the work. There had been fights and screaming matches; there had been hugs and laughter — lots of laughter. Some of the ideas had been ridiculous, even illegal. They had just brainstormed one concept after another, piling up ideas, some of which would never see the light of day. It had been a threeday, free-flowing, emotional roller-coaster ride. There were no goals, no parameters and no rules. Anything and everything had been up for grabs, even the name of the company itself! Tired but excited they had dinner and retired. The next day they returned to the city and left their marketing plan with Wayne the national sales manager. Wayne was an analyser, who had come to respect his marketing people over the last few years. After several bitter disputes they had hired a consultant to help them organise their working relationship on a more effective basis. This approach had proved itself yet again, Wayne mused as he read their report. He ignored the spelling errors and incorrect grammar. He overlooked the layout and presentation and also stopped himself reacting to the totally unacceptable costs of some aspects of their plan. Mostly he concentrated on the essence of their ideas. As an analyser Wayne knew now that all the details comprehensive understanding 223

could be built up later, provided the core concept worked. It had become an excellent team process. They went off alone and came up with ideas that were better than anything that anyone else in the company could achieve. They did this in ways that would drive anyone else mad, but where was the problem? These ideas just needed an analytical frame to turn them into an affordable campaign. The order and detail imposed at the end combined with their fresh, spontaneous creativity to make for an excellent campaign.

analysers as leaders and managers Analysers tend to be reluctant and yet, at the same time, somewhat controlling team leaders. They tend to delegate effectively, but are uncomfortable with others who do not follow their precise requirements. They often downplay the efforts of others by being minimal in their recognition, both positive and negative. They often undermotivate staff because of their focus on tasks and outcomes, rather than taking the occasional diversion to be interested in the people who produce the results. The organisation tends to be efficient and tightly run as opposed to relaxed and untidily led. Legal and accounting firms are dependent on having managing partners who delegate the work and assess the progress being made by several employees. Analysers tend to suit this kind of role.

as team members Analysers can be extremely effective where they have the role of monitoring the appropriateness of the team activities and assisting the team to keep things on track. They often find it hard to accept positive recognition, but other team members need to appreciate the contribution analysers make in ensuring that huge errors, resulting in irretrievable harm, are avoided. Analysers can become isolated and critical of others, who they may see as cowboys. They tend to like gathering and assessing data, researching and investigating opportunities.

at home Analysers like order and consistency. They make shopping lists with categories and organised choice. The home is neat, crisply neat. They can harp on the rules and agreements of the relationship rather than living in the here-and-now. They can also cherish anniversaries, mementos, and core values of the relationship. The restaurant bill is scrutinised before approval, tradespeople are examined about their references, and doing things correctly is important. They can keep to themselves. Holidays follow themes and are organised after examining the details of previous holidays. While they might not be overflowing with fun, analysers are reliable and trustworthy. 224 be understood or be overlooked

in learning situations strengths Analysers prefer pure learning situations in which the materials are based upon sound principles with an excellent foundation of theoretical constructs. They like information presented in a way that shows it is well thought out, thoroughly researched and well validated. It needs to be delivered with a minimum of fuss, in an organised and methodical fashion, quickly capturing the essential details. They are excellent at tackling the challenge of complex and intricate learning circumstances. They are superb at identifying first principles and picking out crucial values or supporting arguments and connecting those in any new learning situation with prior experience in order to determine their relevance. `They are expert at validating and invalidating the hidden assumptions and underlying values in any learning context.

limitations They are quite uncomfortable with learning situations that are messy, disorganised and are apparently not well thought out. In terms of presentation they tend not to suffer fools gladly. They do not appreciate emotional, interactive, people orientated learning environments. They are more comfortable working on constructs and theoretical models on their own. They are especially concerned with unstructured feeling orientated activities unless they can clearly see the theoretical point behind it. In group-learning situations they tend to sit back and identify the weakness in the activity or other people’s approach to the activity. Doing things without understanding the reason or context is really not OK.

problem solving Analysers prefer data-rich traditional approaches to problem solving and decision making. They like constitutions, antecedents, first principles and theoretical guidelines. They work best alone with the correct amount of information. They base their problem solving and decisions upon the essential foundation issues. They prefer intellectual debate as a means of unearthing and reaching the heart of the issue.

family fracas ‘Firstly, she is late home. Secondly, she doesn’t do her housework properly. Thirdly, she is rude to her father.’ Mrs Jamison listed (with tight lips) her daughter’s ‘crimes’ on her fingers. These comments were interspersed with cries of ‘Bull!’, ‘You wouldn’t know!, and ‘Crap!’, from Carole, the daughter. Mr Jamison patted his daughter’s hand, and clucked supportively (to both his wife and his daughter). The family counsellor sighed quietly to himself. comprehensive understanding 225

‘She needs to understand and accept the rules in our house’, Mrs Jamison continued. ‘The rules are for her own good. And anyway it is, after all, our house, not hers.’ ‘There dear, she does try hard. She means well. It’s not like she’s out on drugs like other teenagers’, Mr Jamison interjects. ‘Rubbish! She doesn’t try. You want me to remind you of last week. Then there was the Barry mess last month, and the weekend before that...’ ‘Oh you do go on Mum. Give it a rest!’, Carole shouts. ‘There dear take it easy’, says Mr Jamison. ‘You always take her side!’, retort both Carole and Mrs Jamison in unison. The counsellor sighs. The intervention is clear in his head, but how to implement it? Mrs J is such a dogmatic analyser. She collects past crimes and judgments of her daughter like a professional stamp collector. Carole (the creator in the family) reacts like a nuclear bomb to her mother’s cold (and often accurate) analysis. Mr J tries hard, as developers do, to ensure that everyone is alright and gets on with each other. Of course all he achieves is getting both women annoyed with him. And that is the opening to changing the family dynamics. Mrs J is actually scared for her daughter’s welfare because she loves her daughter. Carole is also wanting more love and less criticism. Mr J is being discounted by both women and needs some power. If Mrs J could be persuaded to let her husband take control for one month, then mother and daughter can continue to be aligned against him, while sharing more feelings. Mr J will be forced to take a stand rather than the middle ground. Carole will receive rules from a developer not an analyser, which will confuse her and soften her reaction. ‘Now folks’, the counsellor says, ‘this is what I’d like you to do.’

developers as leaders and managers Developers tend to be supportive leaders. They are usually excellent finishers. They enable teams to generate effective outcomes. They contribute significantly to group cohesion and are excellent at mediating and generating warmth and solidarity. They are very good at organising the social and practical elements of tasks and meetings. They can be out of their depth, however, when dramatic change or innovation is required and where tradition or established practices need to be altered or disregarded. This often causes them to feel stressed and unable to act effectively. They also find it difficult to make hard decisions, such as retrenching people, since they accomplish many significant goals by being supportive. Developers are thus more likely to see the personal side of organisational actions. 226 be understood or be overlooked

as team members Developers are extremely effective team members. They fulfil the requirements of others and rarely have conflict with their team leader or any of their work colleagues or staff. They can clarify and elaborate, involve other members of the team, minimise conflicts and provide a way of keeping diverse team members working together effectively.

at home Developers are supportive, caring, understanding, and considerate of other family members, and even strangers! They do more housework, provide a listening ear, rarely complain, and always attempt to keep things bubbling along. They are often uncredited as key contributors, yet without them many events and ideas would falter or be less impressive. Developers buy things for others and sometimes overlook their own requirements. They are excellent problem solvers, fixing holiday mishaps, shopping disasters, and dinner failures with a quiet smile. They unfortunately often take on too much and can be martyrs to the cause.

in learning situations strengths The best learning situation for a developer is where the material is presented with lots of time for considered reflection on the issue. This is even better in an environment that enables sharing and discussion with other people. Once the issue is fully absorbed developers are excellent at expanding the learning context into more rich and significant outcomes. They can be most successful with long drawn out learning contexts as their perseverance and energy reserves are very high. They prefer information that is presented in a low-key fashion and which highlights the important elements or concepts. They are more attuned to this material presented in a lateral or associative fashion rather than in a precise sequential manner.

limitations Developers are uncomfortable when the learning environment requires rapid outcomes with limited data and strong pressure to deliver. They like getting a feeling for the context and a thorough understanding of other people’s perspectives before committing themselves. They are especially uncomfortable if their learning might occur at someone else’s expense. They don’t like impromptu learning situations nor do they enjoy being required to initiate and direct others in the learning environment.

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problem-solving Developers like solving problems in a consensus framework; they dislike decision-making in isolation. They need to have time to consider all of the elements that might impinge upon the problem before reaching a decision. Their solutions tend to be more comprehensive and lasting than with other rapid problem-solving approaches. They like group discussions and consensus arrived at over a considered period of time.

crisis time at webster’s Webster’s hardware store was in crisis. The new supermarket hardware chains had eroded their customer base and profits. The staff of five were working all hours seven days a week just to try and keep their heads above water. The salaries were killing them, as were the excessive hours. Now they were fighting — conflict in a team whose members had always got on well with each other. There was a nice mixture: two analysers who ran the place and did the books; a creator who was the best salesperson; a planner who set up new stock and arranged the displays; and the developer who charmed the zoning authorities and the customers. It fell to the developer to help them sort their way out of their conflict and their business challenge. She worked tirelessly with the reality presented to her of the declining trade. She had the perseverance and lateral ideas to hang in there and also develop new possibilities. She sidetracked her friends when they were getting too heated by using connections to their supportive history. She gradually developed some enthusiasm for a specialisation, namely skilled and personal advice on handyman needs. She generated respect and belief in her colleagues, the authorities and customers. She believed in the long term. She held them together. She identified their differences and reminded them all of why those differences were so valuable. She reshaped them using their own characteristics.

LEADERSHIP STYLES SUMMARY A gentle caricature of each of these styles may illustrate the different approaches more vividly. Consider the approach each style might take towards learning a new complex software program: The planner tends to read the instructions carefully and follow them sequentially with hands-on practice combined. The creator doesn’t read the instructions at all, plays around with the program and is delighted by their success and upset by their failure in the process. The developer tends to follow the instructions in a non-sequential fash228 be understood or be overlooked

ion, is accommodating with any difficulties they encounter, always tending to assume that these are due to their own lack of knowledge rather than anything in the program or the program instructions. The analyser tends to be evaluative if not critical of the instructions and possibly of the program itself. They look to connect their theoretical principles and prior experience to achieve a tactical approach to the situation.

MASTERING YOUR LEARNING STYLE Each of these styles of learning can be more or less suitable depending upon the particular context and circumstance. If there is limited time and an important decision needs to be reached fairly quickly, the planner approach could be ideal. If there is ample time where innovative and creative outcomes are required, the creator style is well matched. If there is a complex, drawn-out issue requiring perseverance and further development, the developer style is most appropriate. Finally in those situations where detailed analysis is required in order to construct a solid model, the analyser style is best. Obviously while there is no one best learning style, it is desirable to maximise one’s flexibility and be able to utilise and integrate with other styles comfortably and effectively. It is useful to practise some techniques that provide you with more experience of other learning styles. It’s helpful to understand the differences in these learning styles so as to better appreciate the unique and occasionally puzzling approach that others might take to the same learning situation. Since the leadership styles arise out of different groupings of the various evolutionary patterns, you will increase mastery of your leadership and learning style in relation to others, by practising the activities for each pattern. Mastery is achieved by increasing awareness of our own style and its rigidities, and expanding our capacity to communicate with other people in new learning situations. The capacity to effectively motivate and utilise people with different styles in learning and problem solving is the essence of effective management, as authors such as Chris Argyris and Peter Senge have pointed out.

ACHIEVING MASTERY: PERFORMANCE EVALUATION Let’s see how much have you increased your ability to be understood and not overlooked. comprehensive understanding 229

We will review your performance on two areas. You have previously completed the six-item questionnaires at the beginning of each chapter about the six evolutionary patterns. Given your reading and practise with the exercises (and after allowing three months to elapse), redo these same questions to see how flexible you have become. How do your scores compare? Alternatively, you may identify where you still need to do some work so that you can be better understood by your colleagues who are at the other end of one (or other) of the evolutionary patterns.

mastery self-analysis Compare your scores on each pattern by noting whether you reduced your extremes and/or increased your score from the first time you completed the questionnaire. For example if you scored 22 for rapid and 3 for gradual the first time you did the questionnaire, are you still about the same? Or did you reduce your rapid score to (say) 15? Alternatively did your rapid score stay about the same while your gradual score increased to (say) 8? Either of the last two possibilities indicates you have increased your flexibility on that dimension. Good on you! How did you go? On which dimensions did you increase your flexibility? How strongly? On which dimensions is there little change? What does this suggest? Do you want to do more work on it? Or is it an area where it is reasonable to simply enjoy your behaviour. Congratulate yourself — you’ve done well.

HAVE YOU ACHIEVED COMMUNICATION MASTERY? In Chapter 2 you first completed this questionnaire about whether you were a Master Communicator. Let’s see if your personal Mastery of Communication skills have improved. Answer the following questions again: SCORE KEY: 1 NONE OF THE TIME 2 SOME OF THE TIME 3 A LOT OF THE TIME 4 ALL THE TIME.

230 be understood or be overlooked

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

I WATCH PEOPLE CLOSELY WHEN I TALK WITH THEM. I PUT A LOT OF ENERGY INTO MY COMMUNICATION. I THINK ABOUT THE BEST WAY TO MAKE MYSELF UNDERSTOOD. I PAY ATTENTION TO THE SPEED OF THE PERSON’S COMMUNICATION. I GET A SENSE OF THE OTHER PERSON BEFORE RAISING MY PROPOSITION.

■

I USE SOME OF THE WAY THEY SEE THE WORLD IN MY COMMUNICATION WITH THEM.

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I PLAN WHAT I WANT TO SAY BEFORE MY MEETING. I PLAN THE WAY I WANT TO PRESENT MY COMMUNICATION BEFORE THE MEETING.

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I CONSCIOUSLY ADJUST MY PRESENTATION STYLE ACCORDING TO THE NATURE OF THE OTHER PERSON’S COMMUNICATION.

■ ■ ■

I AM COMFORTABLE WITH SILENCE DURING MY DISCUSSIONS. I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF WHEN I AM TALKING WITH OTHERS. I ATTEMPT TO GIVE THE OTHER PERSON A SENSE OF THEIR WORTH WHEN I TALK TO THEM.

■ ■ ■

I AM CURIOUS ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON’S PRESENTATION. I AM PATIENT IN MY COMMUNICATION. LATER ON, I REFLECT BACK POSITIVELY ON MY COMMUNICATIONS.

TOTAL

■

How does your score now compare to how you rated on page 32? Did you increase your score? Congratulations you have worked hard. Did you score exactly the same? Well you are really consistent. You are likely to be an analyser! Did your score drop down? Surely not! Score it again, or maybe you need to contact me on our email address. Having considered our communication and leadership styles let us also review the main points of the book.

THE WHOLE BOOK IN 10 LINES Accept yourself as you are. Accept others as they are. Remember we all see (hear, feel) things differently. Be really curious about everything. Know your evolutionary profile. comprehensive understanding 231

When you meet resistance, you need to change something. The more important something is to you, the less you will be understood. Always aim to mirror other people’s patterns and non-verbal style. Realise difference is discovery. Be influential and have fun!

IN CONCLUSION Our evolutionary patterns provide us with the means to connect with others with trust and respect, which is the real basis of attaining Mastery in influence and communication. The concepts discussed in this book are neither new nor momentous. They are very simple common-sense aspects of human communication. They connect with our history and integrate nonverbally with basic influence and trust. Thoughtful self-awareness based on these concepts (with some continuing practise) will enable you to develop your management skills to achieve Communication Mastery. This way you will always be understood and certainly not overlooked. The best of luck for future understanding!

232 be understood or be overlooked

APPENDIX Answers to the feedback case studies in Chapter 11 are given below.

case study 1 General positive (and yummy cake) from a thoughtful and supportive boss. +100 units of motivation.

case study 2 Two specific positives (+50 each), two specific negatives (at –200 each) plus some specific negative non-verbals (–200). Total: –300. Not a positive motivating encounter.

case study 3 One clear specific positive to Bryce worth +50 motivating units.

case study 4 One continuous general negative plus one more from the chair of the meeting for not stopping Kevin’s behaviour. –2000 units. A truly miserable and unrewarding environment.

case study 5 Innumerable specific positives in a sea of general positives. Total +500: is such a workplace a fantasy? Or is it unproductive?

case study 6 Good supervision. Two specific positives (total: +100) then a general positive (+100) and one specific negative (–200) embedded in a general supportive framework (+ 100). Total outcome: balance with a base of supportiveness.

references 233

REFERENCES Argyris, C (1992) On Organisational Learning. Blackwell, Cambridge. Block, P (1993) Stewardship, Berrett Koehler Publications, San Francisco. Bolton, R (1987) People Skills: How to assert yourself, listen to others, and resolve conflicts, Simon & Schuster, Brookvale, NSW. Carlopio, J, Andrewartha, G & Armstrong, H (2001) Developing Management Skills: A comprehensive guide for leaders, Prentice Hall, Sydney. Damasio, A (2000) The Feeling of What Happens: Body, emotion and the making of consciousness, Heinemann, New York. de Beauvoir, S (1989) The Second Sex, Vintage, New York Fukuyama, F (1995) Trust, Free Press, New York. Gaita, R (1999) A Common Humanity: Thinking about love and truth and justice, Text Publishing, Melbourne. Goleman, D (1998) Working with Emotional Intelligence, Bantam, New York. Hauser, MD (1997) The Evolution of Communication, MIT Press, Mass., USA. Luria, AR (1978) The Working Brain: An introduction to neuropsychology Penguin Books, Harmondsworth, UK. Mackay, H (2000) ‘Seriously Though …’, The Sydney Morning Herald, 26 Aug., Home Spectrum p. 5. Maturana, HR (1987) The Tree of Knowledge: The biological roots of human understanding, Random House, Boston, USA. McPhee Andrewartha (1999) Influence Dimensions, McPhee Andrewartha, Adelaide. Mehrabian, A (1971) Silent messages, Wardsworth, Belmart. Morgan, G (1998) Images of Organisation, Berrett Koehler Publishers, San Francisco. Putnam, RD (1995) ‘Bowling alone: America’s declining social capital’, Journal of Democracy 6(1): 65–78. Rossi, EL (ed.) (1980) The Collected Papers of Milton H Erickson. (Vol. 1–4), Irvington, New York. Senge, P (1992) The Fifth Discipline. The art and practice of the learning organisation, Random House, Sydney. Senge, P, Kleiner, A, Roberts, C, Ross, RB, Roth G, and Smith, BJ (1999) The Dance of Change: The challenges of sustaining momentum in learning organizations, Random House, Sydney. Senge, P, Kleiner, A, Roberts, C, Ross, RB and Smith, BJ (1994) The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook: Strategies and tools for building a learning organisation, Doubleday, New York. Telegraph Group Limited 1999, Mohawk clue backs ‘innate rules of language’ [online]. http://www.telegraph.co.uk [accessed 25 January 2001]. 234 be understood or be overlooked

Wertheim, M (2000) ‘The filament of life’ The Australian, The Australian’s Review of Books, April p. 17. Zeig, J (1986) Diagnostic Criteria, Unpublished manuscript provided to the author Zeig, J (ed.) (1980) A Teaching Seminar with Milton Erickson, Brunner/Mazel, New York. Zeig, J (ed.) (1985) Ericksonian Approaches. (Vol. 2), Brunner/Mazel, New York.

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INDEX analysers at home, 224 leaders and managers, as, 224 leadership style, 218 learning situations, in, 225 problem-solving, 225 team members, as, 224 auditory perception, 60, 186, 190–2 benefits/liabilities, 196–7 roles and tasks, 197 visual/experiential perception, increasing, 200–1 being overlooked bad feeling of, 4–5 overlook, definition, 6 workplace in, 4 blame attribution, 60, 150 body language, 39 awareness of, 45 matching, 49 mismatch with message, 15, 40 Buber, Martin, 49 communication becoming Masters at, 44–5 checking out, 14 context, 44 definition, 6 flow chart of good and poor, 40 fundamental elements, 38–41 Master Communicators, 31–5, 44 Mastery in, 230–1 meaning what we say, 10, 11, 49 planning, 46 process, 43–5 saying what we mean, 10, 11, 49 six questions about, 35–7 understanding, as, 6 workplace, in, 4 concept, focus on, 59 conceputalisers, 133, 136–7 benefits/liabilities of focus, 142 matching/mismatching, 139–40 more understanding, developing, 145–6 236 be understood or be overlooked

task selection, 143 team selection, 143 contact, 6–7 creators at home, 222 leaders and managers, as, 221 leadership style, 217 learning situations, in, 222 problem-solving, 223 team members, as, 221–2 Darwin, Charles, 37 detail, focus on, 59 detailers, 133, 135–6 benefits/liabilities of focus, 142 bigger picture, getting, 143–5 matching/mismatching, 139–40 task selection, 143 team selection, 143 developers at home, leaders and managers, as, 226 leadership style, 217 learning situations, in, 227 problem-solving, 228 team members, as, 227 dishonesty, 15 emotional intelligence, 15 emphasis factor benefits, 102–3 connection, 95–7, 98–9 gender and, 104–5 increasing understanding of, 105–6 liabilities, 102–3 loop, 99 prejudices, 98 employees’ need for recognition, 4 engaging, 7–8 Erickson, Milton, 25, 47, 48 evaluation dimension, 60, 150 benefits/liabilities, 158–9 differences in, 154–5 evaluation connection, 155, 158

matching/mismatching, 155–6 prejudices, 158 evolutionary patterns, 57–60 exaggeration, 59 exaggerators, 91–2 benefits of emphasis, 102–3 liabilities of emphasis, 102–3 matching/mismatching, 97–8 minimising, 106–7 tasks, 103 team roles, 103 understaters and, 89–91 expectation getting what you expect, 12 matching, 50 understanding and, 25–9, 48 experiential perception, 60, 186, 192–3 benefits/liabilities, 196–7 roles and tasks, 197 visual/auditory perception, increasing, 201–2 facial expressions, 41–2 feedback giving, 209–14 motivation and, 209–14 positive and negative, 210–1 test, 214 focus dimension, 59, 133 benefits/liabilities, 142 differences in, 137 focus connection, 139, 142 prejudices, 141 Fukuyama, Francis, 53 gender, and emphasis factor, 104–5 Goleman, Daniel, 15 Gray, John, 131

matching/mismatching, 174–5 task selection, 178 team selection, 178 interaction, 7 IT developments, 3 jobshift, 3 knowledge types, 23 understanding your knowledge, 22 language, nature and origins, 37–43 lateral thinkers, 116–7 appearing more sequential, 127–8 matching/mismatching, 120–1 task selection, 124 team selection, 124 lateral thinking, 59, 113 benefits/liabilities, 123–4 leadership, 3 definition, 45 leadership profile, 216–7 mastering leadership style, 229 styles, 217–8 learning, 23, 44 mastering learning style, 229 life planning, 23 linear thinkers, 115–6 appearing more lateral, 125–7 matching/mismatching, 120–1 task selection, 124 team selection, 124 linear thinking, 59, 113 benefits/liabilities, 123–4 listening, 18–9, 44 not listening, 14 process, 8 logic in thinking, 59

honesty, 6, 15 what is, 56 human resources, 4

Mackay, Hugh, 31 management profile, 216–7 management themes, 16 managers’ need to protect themselves, 4 imitation, 46 Master Communicators, 31–5 initiators, 60, 168, 170–1 appearing more like responders, 179–80 Mastery communication, in, 230–1 benefits/liabilities, 177–8 index 237

performance evaluation, 229 self-analysis, 230 matching body language, 49 detailers/conceptualisers, 139 evaluation connection, 155–6 exaggerators, 97 expectation, 50 initiators/responders, 174–5 lateral/linear thinkers, 120 meaning, 49 other person’s patterns, 60 perceptual dimension, 194 relationship dimension, 174 self- and other-evaluators, 155–6 thinking connection, 120–1 three rules for, 48–9 timing connection, 75 understanding achieved through, 46–7 understaters, 97 worldview, 49–50 Maurovic, Richard, 29 meaning, matching, 49 Mehrabian, Albert, 38–42, 48 mismatching body language and message, 15, 40 communication behaviours, 46 detailers/conceptualisers, 139–40 evaluation connection, 156 exaggerators, 97–8 initiators/responders, 174–5 lateral/linear thinkers, 120–1 perceptual dimension, 194 relationship dimension, 174–5 self- and other-evaluators, 156 thinking connection, 120–1 timing connection, 75–6 understaters, 97–8 Morgan, Gareth, 21 motivation and feedback, 209–14 non-verbal presentation, 12 observation careful, 18 poor, 14 openness, 6 238 be understood or be overlooked

organisational culture, 21–2 other-evaluators, 150, 153–4 appearing more self-evaluative, 161–2 benefits/liabilities, 158–9 matching/mismatching, 155–6 task selection, 159 team selection, 159 overlook see being overlooked perception, 54–7 perception dimension, 60, 186 benefits/liabilities, 196–7 differences, 193 increasing understanding of, 197–8 matching/mismatching, 194 perception connection, 194, 196 prejudices, 194–5 planners at home, 219 leaders and managers, as, 218 leadership style, 217 learning situations, in, 219 problem-solving, 220 team members, as, 219 Putnam, David, 53 recognition giving, 209–14 positive and negative, 210–1 relationship building, 8 relationship dimension, 60, 168 benefits/liabilities, 177–8 differences in, 172–3 matching/mismatching, 174–5 prejudices, 175 relationship connection, 174, 177 responders, 60, 168, 171–2 appearing more like initiators, 180–2 benefits/liabilities, 177–8 matching/mismatching, 174–5 task selection, 178 team selection, 178 role, understanding, 19–20 self-awareness, 45 self-confidence, low, 13–4 self-evaluators, 150, 152–3

appearing more other-directed, 160–1 benefits/liabilities, 158–9 matching/mismatching, 155–6 task selection, 159 team selection, 159 Senge, Peter, 23 success filters, 13–5 thinking dimension, 59 benefits of thinking pattern, 123–4 differences in, 117–20 liabilities of thinking pattern, 123–4 prejudices, 121 thinking connection, 120, 123 understanding, 125 timing of communication gradual processors, 59, 67, 70–1 increasing understanding of, 80–4 rapid processors, 59, 67, 69–70 speed trap, 59, 67 timing connection, 74, 79–80 timing differences, 71–2 timing prejudices, 78–9 trust, 6, 53–4

pressure to be understood, 3–6 principles of, 9–10 the system, 20–2 tips for better understanding, 10 unconscious drivers, 10 your direction, 23–4 your knowledge, 22–3 your role, 19–20 yourself, 13–7 understatement, 59 understaters, 92–5 benefits of emphasis, 102–3 exaggerating more, 107–9 exaggerators and, 89–91 liabilities of emphasis, 102–3 matching/mismatching, 97–8 tasks, 103 team roles, 103 verbal content, 39 Vista Communications, 32 visual perception, 60, 186, 189–90 auditory/experiential perception, increasing, 198–200 benefits/liabilities, 196–7 roles and tasks, 197 voice tone, 39, 42–3

understanding aim of, 6 basic human psychology, 5 workplace caring, importance of, 12 bargaining in, 4 comprehensive, 208 being overlooked in, 4 definition, 6 dehumanisation in, 4 expectation and, 12, 25–9, 48 poor communication in, 4, 32 four levels of, 6–8 importance of something to you, 10, 12 worldview, matching, 49–50 negative feelings confusing, 10, 11 Zeig, Dr Jeffrey, 25, 59 others, 17–9 positive feelings focusing, 10, 11

index 239