Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer’s Life [Hardcover ed.] 1594489963, 9781594489969

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1

Bestselling author of

THE CLOISTER WALK

and

AMAZING GRACE

KATHLEEN NORRIS arriage, nks, an A Writer's Life

& me, the acclaimed author Kathleen

In Acedia

Norris explicates and demystifies the forgotten

but utterly relevant concept of acedia, a term that has often been understood as spiritual sloth, but unreally signifies the serious malady of being able to care.

great insight and candor, Norris ex-

With

plores acedia through the geography of her

in the midst of grave illness;

commitment

her keen interest

with acedia and

its

and

monastic tradition. She

in the

writes of her and her

and

life

her marriage and the challenges of

as a writer;

battles

husband David's

clinical cousin, depression,

path through literary and

traces acedia's

religious history, exposing the damage it does not only to individual lives but also to our culture as a

whole, as

we

are desensitized

by ever more intru-

about sive distractions and lose the ability to care the that finds she Thus, what is truly important. "restless

boredom, frantic escapism, commitment

phobia, and enervating despair" that

with today are "the ancient

modern

struggle

dress."

Norris in

demon

we

of acedia in

first

encountered the word acedia

The Praktikos, a book by the fourth-century

Christian this,"

monk

Evagrius Ponticus. "As

she writes, "I

felt a

weight lift from

I

read

my soul,

had just discovered an accurate description of something that had plagued me for years but that I had never been able to name." Having

for I

endured times of deep soul-weariness since she

was

a teenager, she could

affliction:

to care. Fascinated

well

now

recognize her

sinking into a state of being unable

known

by

this

"noonday demon," so

to those in the early

and medieval

Church, Norris read intensively and knew that she must restore this important concept to the

modern

world's vernacular, as she saw that left

unchecked

it

has the power to destroy the capacity

and to undermine commitments to work, marriage, friendship, faith, and community.

for joy

(Continued on back flap)

Acedia

& me

Digitized by the Internet Archive in

2012

http://archive.org/details/acediamemarriageOOnorr

Other books by Kathleen

Noms

NONFICTION The Virgin of Bennington

Amazing

Grace:

The

Dakota:

A

A

Vocabulary of Faith

Cloister

Walk

Spiritual

Geography

POETRY Journey:

New and Selected Poems 1969-1999 Little Girls in

Church

The Middle of the World

Falling

Off

ANTHOLOGY Leaving New York: Writers Look Back

(editor)

jmShm*.

L

**$\

RIVERHEAD BOOKS a

member

of Penguin Group (USA)

New

York

2008

Inc.

Acedia A MARRIAGE,

& me MONKS, AND

A WRITER'S LIFE

KATHLEEN NORRIS

RIVERHEAD BOOKS Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA)

Inc.,

375 Hudson

Street,

Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue

Canada

(a division

WC2R 0RL, England

of Pearson Canada Inc.)

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New York, New York

East, Suite 700, Toronto,

Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London

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Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia 1 1

Dublin

2,

Ireland (a division

Pearson

New

Group Pry

Ltd)

Penguin Books

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Community Centre,

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of Penguin Books Ltd)

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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London

Copyright All rights reserved.

No

part of this

WC2R 0RL, England

© 2008 by Kathleen Norris

book may be reproduced, scanned, or

distributed in any

printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author's rights.

Purchase only authorized editions.

Pages 335 and 336 constitute an extension of this copyright page.

ISBN 978-1-59448-996-9 Printed in the United States of America

Book design by Claire Naylon Vaccaro While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the

time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors,

or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and

does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

In loving

memory of

David Joseph Dwyer

1946-1003

The ancient word

acedia,

which

in

Greek simply means the absence or

lack of care, has proved anything but simple

adequate expression in English. untranslated, or tionaries

employ

may help

the word, as

it is

Modern

comprehend

it

comes

to finding

writers tend to leave the term

the later Latin accidie.

the reader

when

A few examples from

dic-

the broad range of meaning of

currently understood.

accidie

heedlessness, torpor

.

.

.

[a] non-caring state

—Oxford

English Dictionary,

2nd

edition, 1989

acedia a1.

+

kedos care, anxiety, grief

+

ia,

tea

—more

at

hate

the deadly sin of sloth

2. spiritual

torpor and apathy

—

Webster's Third

New International Dictionary

of the English Language, unabridged, 1976

acedia a mental

syndrome, the chief features of which are

ness, apathy,

listlessness, careless-

and melancholia

—Online Medical Dictionary, 2000

CONTENTS

Author's Note

I.

SOMEWHERE

II.

TEDIUM

l

7

FROM EIGHT BAD THOUGHTS TO SEVEN

III.

PSYCHE, SOUL,

IV.

V UP AND DOWN GIVE ME A

VI.

AND MUSE

WORD

87

ACEDIA'S PROGRESS

VIII.

ACEDIA'S DECLINE

X.

48

65

VII.

IX.

xUi

A SILENT DESPAIR

112

133

153

THE QUOTIDIAN MYSTERIES

XL THE "NOON" OF MIDLIFE

199

m

SINS

20

XII.

XIII.

DAY BY DAY

223

AND TO THE END ARRIVING

XIV. A

238

WIDOW'S UNEASY AFTERWORD

XV. ACEDIA: A

COMMONPLACE BOOK Acknowledgments

Selected Bibliography

330

332

2^7

287

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Several themes are threaded throughout this book: the

doctrine of sin; the question of whether acedia depression; the implications of believing that in the

may be

equated with

human beings are made

image of God; the psychological insights to be found

tic literature

hood.

much-maligned

and

practice;

in

monas-

and the meaning of marriage and mother-

My hope is that each time

I

raise these subjects,

I

am enhancing

the reader's understanding of them.

Some passages in Acedia & Me come from an address I wrote at the invitation of the Sisters of the lege to

women

them

about

today.

Holy Cross, who asked me to

how traditional

Working on

talk to col-

monastic wisdom might be of use

this talk (eventually

published as a chap-

book, The Quotidian Mysteries: Laundry, Liturgy and "Women's Work")

convinced ject

me

that

I

needed to write a longer meditation on the sub-

of acedia. The word and the concept have fascinated

encountered them,

many years

ago, in a

monastery library.

The words "Abba" and "Amma" were

the spiritual

life

of respect employed by

titles

the early monastics of Egypt, Syria, Palestine, ignate elders ("Fathers"

me since I first

and Asia Minor

to des-

and "Mothers") who had attained wisdom

and could

offer

good counsel.

in

The demon of acedia

—

noonday demon

also called the

causes the most serious trouble of

all.

He

—

the one that

is

upon

presses his attack

the

about the fourth hour and besieges the soul until the eighth hour. all

he makes

fifty

it

seem

that the sun barely moves,

hours long. Then he constrains the

windows, to walk outside the

how far it

monk to

the heart of the

charity has departed

manual

labor.

in

some way or

further to his hatred. This

where he can more

and make a is

everywhere.

easily

real success

not the place that

from

leads

is

at this

other, this too the

demon

procure

drives life's

of himself.

He

him

period

demon

him along

necessities,

goes

on

these reflections the

his cell].

Then

to reflect that is

no one

to give

who happens to

uses to contribute

to desire other sites

more

work

readily find

to suggest that, after

the basis of pleasing the Lord.

He joins to

way and

for the place, a hatred for

from among the brethren, that there

encouragement. Should there be someone

him

He

is

sun to determine

to gaze carefully at the

monk a hatred

of

look constantly out the

see if perhaps [one of the brethren appears

instills in

First

that the day

,

his very life itself, a hatred for

offend

and

stands from the ninth hour [or lunchtime] to look this

now that to too he

cell,

if at all,

monk

God

is

memory of his

all, it

to be adored

dear ones and

of his former way of life. time,

He

depicts

life

stretching out for a long period of

and brings before the mind's eye the

as the saying has

his cell

it,

leaves

no

and drop out of the

heels of this

one (when he

leaf

fight.

is

toil

of the ascetic struggle and,

unturned

to induce the

No

demon

other

monk to

follows close

forsake

upon

defeated) but only a state of deep peace

the

and

inexpressible joy arise out of this struggle.

Evagrius Ponticus (345-399), The Praktikos

i.Somewh tnewnere

One

of the best stories

Cassian, a

I

know

monk who was born

of Abba Paul, who,

like

is

found

in

The

Institutes

by John

in the fourth century. Cassian speaks

many desert monks, wove baskets as he prayed,

and subsisted on food from

his garden

and a few date palms. Unlike

monks who lived closer to cities and could sell their baskets there, Paul

could not do any other work to support himself because his dwelling was separated from towns and from habitable land

by a seven

days' journey

to collect

from himself

when

.

.

.

and

trans-

more than he could get for the work that he did.

portation cost

He used

through the desert

palm fronds and always exact

just as if this

his cave

was

filled

burn up what he had so

a day's labor

were his means of support.

And

with a whole year's work, he would carefully toiled over each year.

Does Abba Paul epitomize the

dutiful

monk who

recognizes that the

prayers he recites during his labors are of more value than anything he

can make? Or

is

he the patron saint of performance

art,

methodically

"

KATHLEEN NORRIS destroying the baskets he has

of making them labors

is

woven

to demonstrate that the process

more important than

may have been designed to

the product? Paul's daily

foster humility,

but the annual burn-

ing had another, greater purpose. Cassian notes that

it

monk

aided the

in "purging his heart, firming his thoughts, persevering in his

cell,

and

conquering and driving out acedia." Acedia

may be an

unfamiliar term to those not well versed in

monastic history or medieval

no relevance tory, it

and

for

literature.

But that does not mean

contemporary readers. The word has

as timelines

it

has

a peculiar his-

on the Oxford English Dictionary website

reveal,

has gone in and out of favor over the years. References to accyde

cluster in the fourteenth century, then disappear until 1891; accidie

appears in 1607, and then not again until 1922, in a citation from

William R. Inge's Outspoken Essays. Reflecting on the cultural shock that followed the Great War, particularly in Europe, he writes that

"human

nature has not been changed by civilisation," and discerns

"acedia ... at the In the 1933

bottom of the

OED,

accidie

diseases

from which we are

was confidently declared

suffering."

obsolete, with ref-

erences dating from 1520 and 1730. But by the mid-twentieth century, as "civilized"

people were contending with the genocidal horror

of two world wars, accidie was back in use. A four- volume supplement to the

OED published between

1972 and 1986 instructs, "Delete Obs.

and the current 1989 edition includes references from 1936 and 1950. Languages have a

life

and a wisdom of their own, and the reemergence

of the word suggests to

me that acedia is the lexicon's version of a mole,

working on us while hidden from view.

It

may

even be that the word

has a significance that stands in inverse proportion to

The

its

obscurity.

scholar Andrew Crislip writes that "the very persistence of the

ACEDIA term 'acedia betrays the

fact that

&

ME

none of the modern or medieval

glosses adequately conveys the semantic range of the monastic term."

He

cites a

French monk, Placide Deseille,

"so pregnant with it." I

meaning that

it

who

describes the

word

as

frustrates every attempt to translate

believe that such standard dictionary definitions of acedia as

"apathy," "boredom," or "torpor"

we may

find

do not begin

convenient to regard

it

it

Having experienced both conditions,

boredom,

restless

modern

dress.

it

is

the ancient

for

complex.

demon

ener-

of acedia in

The boundaries between depression and acedia are no-

while depression is

word

much of the

likely that

toriously fluid; at the risk of oversimplifying,

acedia

primitive

much more

is

think

and while

it,

commitment phobia, and

frantic escapism,

vating despair that plagues us today

I

more

as a

what we now term depression, the truth

to cover

is

a vice that

an is

illness treatable

best countered

I

would suggest

that

by counseling and medication,

by spiritual practice and the

dis-

cipline of prayer. Christian teachings concerning acedia are a source

of strength and encouragement to me, and ulary in such a faith or lack

At

its

person

When

of

manner

Greek

care

is

is

its

vocab-

word

acedia

by acedia refuses

means

to care or

the absence of care. is

The

incapable of doing

so.

becomes too challenging and engagement with others too offers a

kind of spiritual morphine: you

there, yet can't rouse yourself to give a

borne out

word meaning

in etymology, for care derives

it is

damn. That

is

to

it

hurts to

not passive, but

how strained and messy our

worth something

know the

from an Indo-European

"to cry out," as in a lament. Caring

an assertion that no matter can be,

to explore

that benefits readers, whatever their religious

root, the

demanding, acedia pain

hope

it.

afflicted life

I

relationships

be present, with others, doing our

KATHLEEN NORRIS small part. Care

also required for the daily routines that acedia

is

have us suppress or deny as meaningless repetition or too

Why care? with acedia, cence,

I

can answer that only by relating

telling stories

and from

my

from

much bother.

my personal

infancy, childhood,

a marriage that flourished for nearly thirty years until

writing this story

all

book by

first

I

encountered the word acedia in The

the fourth-century Christian

Ponticus. Across a distance of sixteen

fifty

it

seem

demon

that the sun barely moves,

Evagrius

of acedia

if at all,

mine

when

it

and that the day is

activity has

a restlessness that

cell,

to gaze carefully at the

sun to deter-

But Evagrius soon discovers that

this

an alarming and ugly

having stirred

[the lunch hour]."

innocuous

he

is

effect, for

unable to shake, the

then looms

As

I

like a

read this

seemingly

demon taunts him with

the thought that his efforts at prayer and contemplation are

futile. Life

prison sentence, day after day of nothingness. I felt

a weight

lift

from

my soul,

for

I

had

just dis-

covered an accurate description of something that had plagued years but that

can

clearly

hours long." Boredom tempts him "to look constantly out the

windows, to walk outside the

up

monk

hundred years he spoke

of the inner devastation caused by the

[made]

have been

I

my life. But I can also say that it began more than

twenty years ago, when

"

history

and adoles-

my husband died, after a lengthy illness, in 2003. In a sense

Praktikos, a

would

tell

I

me for

had never been able to name. As any reader of fairy tales

you, not knowing the true

name of your enemy, be

it

a

troll,

a

demon, or an "issue," puts you at a great disadvantage, and learning the

name can

help to set you

to myself. closely

free.

"He's describing half my

thought

To discover an ancient monk's account of acedia that so

matched an experience

fairy-tale

life," I

moment. To

find

I'd

had

at the age

of

fifteen

did seem a

my deliverer not a knight in shining armor

ACEDIA

ME

&

but a gnarled desert dweller, as stern as they come, only bolstered conviction that I

God

is

a true

my

comedian.

did laugh then, and also

later,

when I encountered another

sage from Evagrius, recognizing myself in the description of a

pas-

listless

monk who

when he

reads

.

.

.

yawns plenty and

easily falls into sleep.

He

rubs his eyes and stretches his arms. His eyes wander from the

book. for a

He

stares at the wall

little.

He

and then goes back

then wastes his time hanging on to the end of

words, counts the pages, ascertains finds fault with the writing

shuts

and uses

it

to his reading

it

how

the

book

is

made,

and the design. Finally he

as a pillow.

Then he

falls

just

into a sleep not

too deep, because hunger wakes his soul up and he begins to

concern himself with

The

desert

that.

monks termed

acedia "the

noonday demon" because the

temptation usually struck during the heat of the day,

was hungry and fatigued, and susceptible

commitment

to a life of prayer

It is

its

was not worth the

effort.

affliction,

to

embrace a

changelessness, deliberately removing distractions

cumstances acedia's assault a given.

Acedia has

and

for

good

daily routine that mirrors eternity

in order to enter into a deeper relationship with

is

monk

risky business to train oneself ("training" being a root

meaning of asceticism) in

the

to the suggestion that his

long been considered a peculiarly monastic reason.

when

It is

also

Buddhist monks

is

God. Under these

not merely an occupational hazard

an interfaith phenomenon.

how

from one's life

they defined the

When

boredom

I

that

cir-

—

it

asked two Zen is

endemic

to

KATHLEEN NORRIS monastic

life,

one replied that

Anglican, they

call

it

acedia.

as her

community was founded by an

The other was unfamiliar with

the Greek

term, but readily identified torpor as one of the Five Hindrances to Prayer.

We

might well ask

your goal Is this

if

these crazy

to "pray without ceasing," aren't

is

a reasonable goal, or even a

that "the literal translation of the

The Greek word term which

monk is tle

to

monks

for rest,"

is

you asking

words 'pray always'

he adds,

"is 'hesychia,'

not an easy one, and as

I

for trouble? tells

'come to

us

rest.'

and 'hesychasm'

Nouwen writes,

pain.

demanding life of prayer,

it

a rest in

It is

midst of a very intense daily struggle." Acedia

ference. Yet

is

if

is

a

of the desert." The "rest" that the

do with the absence of conflict or

tion because, in a

coming:

it

good one? Henri Nouwen

refers to the spirituality

seeking

don't have

is

it

"has

God

lit-

in the

the monk's tempta-

offers the ease of indif-

have come to believe that acedia can strike anyone whose

work requires self- motivation and solitude, anyone who remains married "for better for worse,"

a

commitment

that

is

anyone who

is

determined to stay true to

sorely tested in everyday

life.

When

I

com-

plained to a Benedictine friend that for me, acedia was no longer a

noontime demon but seemed

like a

twenty-four-hour proposition,

he replied, "Well, we are speaking of cosmic time.

noon somewhere."

And

it is

always

Ted turn

II.

The Music Building During

my sophomore year

ship job was to

work

of high school in Honolulu,

the milk machine in the school cafeteria.

manufacturer's name, set in large, raised students

milk as

I

letters,

I

The

was Norris, and some

amused themselves by making off-color remarks about breast filled their glasses.

Keeping busy, wiping up

ignore them. But just the thought of lunch gave

and

my scholar-

was glad

to transfer to the job of

spills, I tried

to

me tension headaches,

noontime

receptionist in the

music building.

Montague Hall

sat in a cool,

shaded part of the campus,

the noise and harsh fluorescence of the cafeteria.

far

My desk was

from in

an

open-air corridor, just off the pleasant courtyard through which one entered the building, and

my duties were minimal:

which seldom rang, and perform whatever for

me.

I

my hands,

had time on

the middle of

I

my day. I

secretarial jobs

had been left

accompanied by the sound of birds

and the practice of other students. working on a sonata.

answer the phone,

A violinist

doing

scales.

A

pianist

looked forward to this quiet, solitary pause in read.

I

pondered.

KATHLEEN NORRIS The only thing I missed about the cafeteria was the sticky rice with and

gravy,

inari sushi,

soybean curd.

in fried

decided that ing

my

I

an egg-sized portion of vinegary I

was happy not

be tempted,

to

needed to lose a few pounds.

lunches but agreed to

let

me

rice

as

I

had

lately

My mother was still pack-

try a

meal substitute called

Metrecal, cookies laced with vitamins and minerals, which

down

wrapped

I

washed

with a no-calorie soft drink. In the early 1960s, diet food

were no exception. Chocolate flavoring did food was comically austere

ings: trade

through

winds wafting

latticed stone,

a

my dense little wafers, dry as cardboard,

strong chemical aftertaste, and

ness. This

left

to disguise the bitter-

little

fare for

my paradisical surround-

in the archways, leaf

shadows dancing

birdsong and Bach.

One day during my lunchtime reverie, a thought slithered into my Eden, pulling a string of thoughts, each one worse than the one before. I

became

new and

intensely aware of time, in a

comfortless way.

My

mother's solicitude was no longer reason for gratitude but a grim re-

minder that she would not always be

when

she was gone?

there.

The obvious answer,

Who

that

learn to care for myself, induced only anxiety.

much

that

when

I

my parents did for me,

considered that one day

How in

the world

would

I

I

and those

would have

it

I

would

was time

for

me

me

to

took for granted so

daily tasks to

care for

loomed

do them on

manage? Whatever would

I

large

my own.

do? Suddenly,

the future seemed oppressive, even monstrous. Deeply discouraged,

but unable to explain

begun

to live as

why

an adult,

I

I

should

felt

feel

foolish

and

The bracing thought of adulthood nita that

I

might be glad

to explore,

sense of helplessness, self-pity,

defeated before

I

had even

alone.

as opportunity, as terra incog-

was swept away by a burgeoning

and terror. The present moment had be-

ACEDIA come

unbearable, and

ME

&

could conceive of the future only as more of

I

the same, an appalling, interminable progression of empty days to I

thought that the hour would never end, and

and be among

again,

fragile

would

hope became

odd and unsavory episode This bleak

and

in

go to

to

class

my fellow students. I hoped that the intensity of

these troubling thoughts

work. That

was eager

I

fill.

as

dissipate

once

I

got busy with school-

a survival strategy,

and I repressed

this

an aberration.

mood returned occasionally during college in Vermont

my postcollege years

in

New York

City,

and while

it

disrupted

my life in minor ways, it never lasted long. By my mid-thirties I was settled

my husband

with

a tiny South

such that

I

as well as lately

in

my maternal grandparents'

Dakota town. The

isolation of western

began frequenting monasteries for

former

the early monastic writers, scription of the

South Dakota was

intellectual stimulation

demon

I

readily latched

acedia,

in

my life. As

on

to Evagrius with his de-

which "depicts

life

cetic struggle and, as the saying has

duce the

monk to

As a

teenager,

forsake his cell I

discovered

leaf

of the as-

toil

unturned to

in-

fight."

as having

an

ascetic

did what was expected of me in getting through the school day,

neglected the

my

no

and drop out of the

finish

my homework and practice my flute. I was

driven by fear of failure to the former;

cence

leaves

had not conceived of myself

and used each night to

if I

it,

I

stretching out for a

long period of time, and brings before the mind's eye the

I

in

guidance in coping with the religious questions that had

assumed an unexpected importance

struggle.

home

life

latter.

had a

my musician parents got after me

Looking back, however,

rigid

I

can see that in adoles-

and rigorous form, not unlike

a monastic

horarium. All that was missing were the prayers, except for the few that I

said before exams,

and communal utterances that

I

rushed through

KATHLEEN NORRIS without as a

much comprehension at church on Sundays. I enjoyed worship

welcome refuge where

I

could sing,

listen to stirring language,

the

sum

of

beauty soon faded in the daily

slog.

On

catch a bus that drove through

Navy housing, picking up

envision

life

as

more than

its

parts,

do

the state library to that

would

take

I

I

I

rose very early to

often went

private school

downtown

research, then waited impatiently for the city

me on the long drive back to

After supper

but these glimpses of

school days

students destined for Honolulu. After school

would settle

in

and

to

bus

Pearl Harbor.

my second-story bedroom. It was hot

and stuffy, as narrow as a cell, but I was grateful for the privacy it afforded. Until ters.

I

I

was

in

my early teens, I shared a room with my two younger sis-

The other "cell"

in

which

I

resided

was the cocoon of adolescence.

was both proud and shy, deeply afraid of ridicule and failure. This made

me reluctant to expose and share myself, and leery of taking on the challenges appropriate to the young.

of older company, as Acedia, feeding

nary life, was littie

if by

I

often spurned

doing so

I

my classmates in favor

could fast-forward into adulthood.

on a willing withdrawal from the pains and joys of ordi-

my enemy even then. But I had never heard of

idea of how

it

would

thrive in the rich soil

I

it,

and I had

had provided.

Rump elstilt skin

My sour noontime experience had introduced a nagging sense that life might not be everything it was cracked up to be. What if it was all a sham, a daily felt, I

round without much purpose? Since

I

couldn't articulate

kept this peculiar thought to myself. In a sense

as well, adopting

only reinforced

an edgy bravado for

my

hid

it

from myself

my public persona. But this tactic

apprehension that

10

I

how I

I

was stranded on a nightmare

— ACEDIA bridge: rickety, swaying in the wind, a

good moments

in life

friends, with books,

seemed

—and

&

mere thread spanning a chasm. The

there were many, with

and playing

flute in a citywide

feeble attempts to forestall the

mained, and

at

ME

coming

my

youth symphony

disaster.

any moment, I could stumble and

The chasm

into

fall

have easily admitted thinking in such stark terms, and to I

family, with

it. I

all

re-

would not

appearances

was an industrious high school student, adeptly managing a busy sched-

ule

and enjoying

Sinatra,

eclectic cultural pursuits.

and the Bach

cello suites;

I

adored Bob Dylan, Frank

Ingmar Bergman's The

Silence

and

Richard Lester's A Hard Day's Night. While I happily devoured the James

Bond

novels and Terry Southern's Candy,

readings for Fall,

my

advanced

and Bertrand

spired

literature class:

Russell's

A

I

also gladly

plunged into the

Crime and Punishment, The

History of Western Philosophy, which in-

me to form a short-lived but devoted Heraclitus Fan Club.

During

my junior

year of high school, once

I

had completed the

minimum requirements for math and science and could choose an elective, I

enrolled in a psychology course. With hindsight

searching, in both philosophy

I

can see that I was

and psychology, for an explanation of my

malaise. But philosophy proved too abstract to be of use,

psychologists termed depression often followed sickness, I

it

did not seem to be

its

and while what

on the heels of my soul-

cause. Like the girl in "Rumpelstiltskin,"

had to spin the story of my life without knowing the baleful name that

could help set

me

free.

This

is

not surprising, given that for

many years

the topic of acedia was the province of scholars of monasticism or dieval theology.

It

was not until

after Vatican

II,

which directed

me-

religious

orders to take a fresh look at their foundational literature, that the sayings of the early

more

monks and the writings of Evagrius and Cassian became

readily available in English.

//

KATHLEEN NORRIS I

to

knew none of this

me that day in

at fifteen.

Honolulu was

did not

I

know that what happened demon, or

a classic experience of the

bad thought, of acedia, as described by Evagrius many centuries before. I

did not

know that it had been identified and accurately named. Most

important,

could

did not recognize

I

resist. I

ductive

life,

was not aware that even

sloth, acedia's

become aware If

I

wanted

as a temptation,

it

that

to, I

it

I

I

maintained a busy and pro-

handmaid, had a firm grip on me. For I had

was possible to

could

as

something that

reject time, as well as

live just barely,

embrace

it.

refusing the gift of each day.

Repetition

The as

difficult

we

like a

thing about days

is

that they

must be repeated.

thousand years, and a thousand years are

of the middle

like a day.

merely the Lord's patience. But

is

class,

I

was schooled

in a particular

that devalues such chores as cooking, cleaning,

An unspoken

garbage.

me

to

employ someone

me

else to

I

cers.

and taking out the

to assess

would en-

it

also taught

moment. The immediate college.

heady

me

to

future for

From

the

my classmates and I were urged to endeavor to become

rounded" so

As the dean

it

tasks. If the

was meticulously preparing, of course, was

eighth grade on,

many children

kind of impatience

perform these

to despise repetition,

value the future over the present

which

like

is

What we per-

premise of my education was that

world of ideas tempted

"well

may be,

read in the Second Letter to Peter, that with the Lord, one day

ceive as slowness

able

It

as to

be more

politely

my program

attractive to college admissions offi-

reminded

of study,

I

me every year, when I met with her

was deficient

in that regard, harbor-

ing a virulent case of "math anxiety." But rather than attempt to be-

12

ACEDIA come less lopsided,

rebelled, enrolling in

I

The dean disapproved, but

both

art

my parents backed me

and music up,

and

long run, though, the preparatory nature of

battle. In the

ing had

ME

&

had learned that the present

its effect. I

I

courses.

won

that

my school-

but a prelude to

is

something more important.

was a moody adolescent,

I

team

sport. Perversely,

of campus oddball friends with inept.

I

I

turned

unathletic, the last to be picked for

my shyness into pride and wore my role

armor. Eventually

like

found

I

a small

group of

whom I shared similar interests, and who were also socially

could reveal myself in their company, in the safe environs of the

of the school literary magazine.

art studio, English class, or the office

Under

any

my

senior photo in the yearbook, where

Beach Boys,

Kahlil Gibran or the

Kierkegaard:

"When

a

man

I

my

classmates cited

placed a quotation from Soren

dares declare,

'I

am

eternity's free citizen,'

necessity cannot imprison him, except in voluntary confinement." In

way over my head, airy

freedom

I

had misread

I

aspired

escaped me, and

I

to.

this

statement as a manifesto of the

The significance of "voluntary confinement"

sensed none of the grit of Kierkegaard's insight, that

true freedom develops out of discipline cessity. I

was a bratty kid who didn't want

"Why bother?" I would tone.

and

"I'll

just

have to

pid repetition; to

my

pitality to oneself,

ask

mother,

it

to

my mother

unmake it again

a healthy respect for ne-

make her

bed.

in a witheringly superior

at night."

To me, the

I,

but

I

didn't

could see that

I

stu-

and a humble acknowledgment of our creaturely

she said, "if you

than

was

was a meaningful expression of hos-

need to make and remake our daily environments. "You ter,"

act

will feel bet-

come home to an orderly room." She was far wiser comprehend

was on

that for

many

my way to becoming 13

years. Neither of us

a cerebral disaster zone.

KATHLEEN NORRIS Reading Sylvia

Plath's

protagonist, Esther,

The Bell Jar,

I

and cringed

identified

was because

hair

it

seemed so

her rationale for not washing

at

her hair for three weeks: "The reason silly. I

uncomfortably with her

I

hadn't washed

saw the days of the year

ing ahead like a series of bright, white boxes. ...

day glaring ahead of me It

seemed so

to

silly

again the next.

made me

It

of the

first

all

I

I

could see day after

would only have

tired just to think of

and be through with

symptoms of both

it.

I

to

wanted

acedia and depression

shampooing, brushing the

wash to

do

is

the

it."

inability to address the body's basic daily needs.

repetition. Showering,

stretch-

broad, infinitely desolate avenue.

wash one day when

everything once and for

One

like a white,

my clothes or my

also a refusal of

It is

teeth, taking a multi-

vitamin, going for a daily walk, as unremarkable as they seem, are acts

of self-respect. They enhance the ability to take pleasure in oneself,

and

in the world.

But the notion of pleasure

is

alien to acedia,

becomes weary thinking about doing anything ask,

one decides, sinking back on the

price. Esther's desire to

with

it"

has

all

sofa.

at

all. It is

too

and one

much to

This indolence exacts a high

"do everything once and for

the distorted reasoning of insanity.

all

It is

and be through a call to suicide.

Spinning Gold into Straw Repetition

and while flute I

is

I

at the heart

knew

that practicing scales

was intended

was

tified

when

easily bored,

of learning to play any musical instrument,

and fingering

to provide a foundation for

and often skipped

to playing

what

I

enjoyed.

Bach

my

I

mys-

flute sonatas

had done miserably with work she considered much

14

on

more advanced work,

my long-suffering teacher by excelling at the I

exercises

easier.

I

ACEDIA had an to

affinity for the Bach,

ME

&

and enjoyed

it

more. As she pointed out

me, with exasperation, and on more than one occasion,

play, rather If

I

than to practice, and that marked

was slow

play the flute,

I

me

as

acknowledging

its

liked to

an amateur.

my learning to

to appreciate the role of repetition in

also resisted

I

value in learning to

live

my life. My father used to say that if he ever wrote a self-help book, he would for

call it

Overcoming Peace of Mind. His

me, because

straw until

it

reminds

me

that

I all

my precious equilibrium

to restlessness

and

little

joke packs a

too readily spin

punch

my gold

and sense of well-being

into

way

give

dissatisfaction. Unfortunately, this process takes

hold precisely when

I

most need

rest

and

relaxation,

and I succumb

to

an anxious acedia. It

begins as a deceptively slight shift in thought, or rather

process

much commented on by the desert monks

of thoughts that distract

that

it is

I tell

should read a mystery novel to clear

I

a matter of respecting

my limitations,

ligations,

no harm

"rest" has only

is

I tell

myself

and of being good

manage to read one book, and then return

I

to

made me more

both anxious and

If

restless, I

and

as

I

don't check myself,

lethargic, in

one book,

finish

can

I

I

I

My am

slip into a

which I trudge through four or

paperbacks a day, for three or four days running.

to

my other ob-

done. But often, one book does not satisfy me.

tempted to pick up another. state

a quick succession

myself that I'm too weary to concentrate.

myself. If

in a

me from my right mind. I've been working too

long and need a break; maybe

my head.

—

—

five

am consuming

books rather than reading them. I

may have begun with a well-written novel, but soon I am ingest-

ing whatever

I

can get

my hands on. Morbidly conscious of the time I

am wasting, I race feverishly through a book so preposterous and badly 15

KATHLEEN NORRIS written that

nauseates me.

it

I

it

I

more

pick up a

serious book,

I

were a genre

thriller.

I

have become

it

like the child

once knew who emerged one morning from a noisy, chaotic Sunday-

school classroom to inform the adults

and had come

how to

who had heard the commotion

to investigate, "We're being bad,

new, repulsive world

stop." In this

—

have created for myself

I

I

and we don't know

now inhabit

—and indeed,

sleep fitfully with the light on,

waking at

quent intervals to read the same sentences over and over. not lived so the

much

phone and

the next

book

wasted in compulsive reading.

as

when

all I

phone.

I

to

do

in fact

acedia will prevent.

is lie

for the exercise

lying,

is

I

It

have reached the

do not care

to

a pleasure for

I

do not care

that, or

that either.

for

salad greens

is

that ringing

exactly

what

me, and with what

I

I

do not care

to ride,

to walk, walking

is

too

should either have to remain

can deaden what has long been

facility

despair will replace the joy

I

my dilemma is less literary than

my torpor is left unchecked, life itself. I

Soren Kierkegaard de-

Summa summarum: I do not care at all."

me how quickly acedia

only reading, but

me

useless to

should have to get up again, and

I

once found in the act of reading. But spiritual. If

state

for anything.

down,

lie

and I do not care to do

amazes

is

down, turn pages, and ignore

too violent.

do not care

do not care to do

"Listen to your body"

My lying for hours on the sofa, book in hand, is a

scribed in Either/Or: "I

I

stop answering

I

need bodily refreshment, yet that

sad parody of leisure.

strenuous.

My days are

in the pile.

want

may

fre-

getting the mail, ignoring everything but the next page,

The contemporary maxim

I

some-

me to my senses, am likely to plow through

thing that might bring as thoughtlessly as if

If

I

lose the ability to savor not

develop a loathing for fresh food, letting

and strawberries languish

16

in the refrigerator while

I fill

up

ACEDIA on popcorn. As Chaucer notes and

"The Parson's

in

Tale," acedia "wastes,

allows things to spoil." Although reading has led

it

the books are not to blame.

dreary

state,

wrong

reasons, rejecting

sions.

ME

&

life

as

of depression

world of neat conclu-

onslaught of acedia from episodes

Visible,

describes a state in which the

mind

one of those outmoded small-town telephone exchanges,

being gradually inundated by floodwaters: one by one, the normal cuits

the

all

have experienced, there are also correspondences.

I

William Styron, in Darkness feels "like

this

into this

have been reading for

in favor of a

it is

While I would distinguish

I

me

cir-

began to drown, causing some of the functions of the body and

nearly

all

of those of instinct and intellect to slowly disconnect." As the

telephone rings, and

my mother begins to leave me a message, I am too

heavy with weariness to answer.

spond

to that dear voice,

were depressed,

I

do not know why I

and why

suspect that

my carapace of sloth, I

I

I

this

would

am unable to re-

should trouble feel

more

me so little.

If

I

pain. But safe within

sluggishly acknowledge that even

though

I

do

my mother, it is easy to act as if I did not.

love

In Maurice Sendak's Pierre, a child responds to

by saying

"I don't care."

When

he encounters a lion

him, and responds with his habitual

and devours him. The book

is

all

"I

parental inquiries

who

offers to eat

don't care," the lion pounces

a perfect exposition of acedia: happily,

when the lion is shaken upside down, Pierre emerges, laughing because he

not dead, and because

is

free

worth

living. If

myself from the lion of acedia! Often

weary, I

life is

live

I

or

can care for so die.

I

little

that

it

I

only

I

could so easily

can. But if

becomes hard

I

become too

to care even

whether

need help to learn to see again, and to reclaim

my

through ordinary acts: washing my hair, as well as the dishes in the

life

sink,

and walking out of doors to enjoy the breeze on my neck. I may attempt

17

KATHLEEN NORRIS my ability to concentrate by taking on a good book of poetry.

to regain

And

I

answer that ringing phone. Even

certainly will

calling over a trivial or

annoying matter, our conversation

salutary effect of reconnecting

from

me with another. When

my life, I can return to living

present

moment. But

tive activities that

I

if it is

this

it,

I

someone

will

have the

stop running

willing to be present again, in the

means embracing those routine and

repeti-

tend to scorn.

Spinning Straw into Gold of monastic

Repetition

is

at the heart

traction to

it

seemed odd at

first.

life,

which

is

one reason

my at-

Morning, noon, and evening, monks

return to church to pray the psalms. When they have gone through the entire cycle of

one hundred

fifty

psalms, a process that takes three or

four weeks, they begin again, day after day, year after year. In a similar

way, a

community

reads through major portions of the Bible. Every

Advent, one hears Isaiah, and during Easter, the Acts of the Apostles

and Revelation. An monastic

life

elderly

monk, disparaging the romantic image of

once said to me, "People don't

realize

how much

of

it is

just plain tedium."

But

it is

Christian

tedium with a purpose. To support themselves, the

monks spent their days weaving palm branches

and ropes they could

sell.

first

into baskets

And as they worked, they prayed. The steady

rhythm of the work helped the monks memorize the psalms and the Gospels, which was a necessity in the fourth-century desert, as books

were expensive and

rare.

But the monks also regarded

this repetitive

work and prayer as their way to God, hoping that over time the "straw" of mundane tasks could become the "gold" of ceaseless prayer. Cassian's

18

ACEDIA story of

Abba Paul

reveals this

&

hope

world of unrelenting and seemingly

ME

as firmly established in the real

fruitless toil.

Because Paul lived

at

such a remove from civilization that he could not even distract himself

with the notion of selling his baskets, he was forced to admit that

he was engaged, day in and day out, in useless

had

cave with baskets, he

filled his

begin again. The fort,

tale is a

one day be nothing but

forgotten.

But monks

labor at both

The notion I

Our work

found

school reading

it is

he

ef-

Paul's bas-

bound

to be

from

in the face of acedia. His steadfast

that even

if

what we do

worth doing.

that repetition can be life-enhancing

had made

in the literature that lists:

is

human

Paul's story because they take heart

work and prayer reminds us

seems worthless,

thing

ashes.

and bold humility

his perseverance

the futility of all

no denying that we, like

is

kets, will

still tell

as

would have only to burn them and

wry comment on

and on mortality itself. There

As soon

activity.

Sartre's

No

Exit,

its

was not some-

way onto my high

Camus's The Stranger, Ionesco's

The Bald Soprano. Resigning myself to the notion that straw can be nothing but straw, and that ennui

is

emotional

life

state, I

entranced by the culture.

many was

What

I

resolved to live a false

an inevitable,

if

not preferable,

superior to that of people

still

promises of religion or the inanities of popular

most needed

to

know

as a

young woman who,

like

of her peers, suffered from occasional bouts of despondency,

effectively

hidden from

me

by the confluence of a determinedly

fashionable literary education and a typically deficient religious one,

which excluded much mention of spiritual experience. The notion that monastic wisdom might be of use to

me was

unthinkable.

It

took

me

years to discover in the curious history of acedia a key to understand-

ing myself and

my work as a writer. 19

From Eight

in.

Bad Thoughts

to

Seven Sins

Is

To examine acedia

is

acedia sin or sickness?

notes that "there sin

is

come

It is

The medical

pression.

from

to

Acedia Depression? face-to-face with a crucial question:

Is

an easy temptation to equate acedia and de-

historian Bill

Bynum, writing

in

The Lancet,

an often repeated trajectory in medical

history,

By the late 19th

through crime and vice, ending in disease

century, psychiatrists defined acedia as a mental condition of sadness,

mental confusion and apathy, bitterness of spirit, utter despair.

ogise this

is

it,

[Now]

psychiatrists medicalize

it,

it

goes, but

it is

of liveliness, and

Catholic priests theol-

and management consultants denigrate

true, insofar as

loss

it

to 'laziness.' " All of

not the whole

story.

In The Sin of Sloth, the scholar Siegfried Wenzel provides a useful

survey of acedia's history.

He

observes that for Evagrius,

it

was a

thought, or a temptation, resulting from "a combination of an external agent

and a disposition

in

human

nature,"

one of the eight bad

thoughts that plagued a monk, while John Cassian discerned in acedia a stubborn sadness that could lead the

of

distress. In the sixth century,

monk

into a far worse state

John Climacus equated tedium with

ACEDIA

ME

&

despondency, and spoke of it as "a paralysis of soul." Acedia's omission

from the list of the "eight bad thoughts ," which eventually became the seven deadly sins, began early in the

fifth

when the influential

century,

monk Cassian, even as he recognized acedia's link with sadness, emphasized

its

By the next century, the theologian

physical aspects as laziness.

Gregory the Great had dropped acedia from the with sadness; his today. Cassian it

list

capital vices, fusing

of the seven principal sins

it

recognizable

is still

and Gregory had built on the desert tradition but altered

considerably,

and acedia began

icon of spiritual

from the

to disappear

common lex-

life.

For the medieval scholastic theologians, notably Thomas Aquinas, acedia held what Wenzel terms an "intermediate position between

body

and spirit." It may spring from physical weariness, but ultimately it is the

phenomenon of "aversion of the

spiritual

specifically

an "aversion against

joy in the divine flicted

good

with acedia, even

appetite

that [we] should experience." if

she

itually lovely,"

its

own good,"

God himself. ... It is the opposite of the

knows what

is

tempted to deny that her inner beauty and disposal, as gifts

from

spiritually

The person good

af-

for her,

is

spiritual strength are at her

from God. "Give up long enough on trying

to

be

spir-

one contemporary philosopher explains, "and you will de-

—and then you have

cide that

no one could love anything as ugly as you

despair."

Such a person can seem so trapped within herself that others

will say,

"Her only enemy

that has set into

is

herself."

motion the endless

But the true enemy

is

the acedia

cycle of self-defeating thoughts.

Until the early thirteenth century, acedia was seen as exclusively a

monastic

vice,

caused by the rigors of an ascetic

much

applied to laypeople

it

mean physical as well

as spiritual laziness,

lost

of

21

its

life.

As the concept was

religious import.

and

to

combat

it

It

came

to

meant em-

KATHLEEN NORRIS now

bracing what

is

work

we

ethic. If

both extolled and disparaged

trace with

Wenzel what he

calls

as the Protestant

"the deterioration of

acedia" in the late Middle Ages, we find the sin increasingly secularized, until in the Renaissance

large extent,

it

to a

many people now would an-

"Is acedia depression?"

with a reflexive and assured

"Yes, of course," depression tal illness

—where,

suspect that

remains today.

swer the question

replaced with melancholy

it is

I

having become a catchall for not only men-

but also a wide range of emotions. Pharmaceutical com-

panies advertise in newspapers and popular magazines with

symptoms

—

would seem

feeling

down, anxious,

to cover

most everyone

lists

fatigued, or discouraged at

some

time, as

point. These advertisements can inspire people

is

—

of

that

no doubt

the

who need treatment to

seek it, but they also serve the purposes of commerce and feed a disturbing tendency to medicalize

This

is

human

experience.

nothing new: in the 1970s, Karl Menninger called "absurd"

a statistic purporting that flicted

all

with "chronic

states

some

sixty percent of

Americans were

af-

of disorganization, formerly labeled 'schizo-

phrenic.'" Psychiatric counseling

and prescription medication were

seen as the solution to the problem. This avoids the question of

whether despair can be a reasonable or even healthy response fering

and

evil. If

we

are to address this,

it is

essential,

to suf-

according to

Menninger, that wc "[relinquish] the sin of indifference," the "'Great of acedia." While acedia

Sin'

of sentimentalizing ness,' It is

and

and

in

as 'contentedness,'

letting live'

many guises, "no amount 'minding one's

can cover up

its

own

busi-

devastating effects."

easy to feel overwhelmed by the state of our lives and the world,

but we are

'living

[it]

may appear

still

must examine our response.

we normal,

ill,

If

we shrug and

or somewhere in between?

22

turn inward,

ACEDIA

&

ME

The very ubiquity of indifference should give us pause. "Inactivity and unresponsiveness

in those

pend always feels to us

upon whose cooperative

like sinful negligence,"

persistence of this taboo over the centuries sality

.

efforts

and

distrust, or

idleness

may

(also)

.

.

testifies to

the univer-

be an expression of

One

self-misunderstanding is

an aspect of sloth (acedia) or a perceptual

— deficiency

'a

certain blindness in

it."

Whatever we

call

it,

Discouragement

is

often discouraged for

fear, self-

intellectual

William James

beings,' as

we might admit that given the condition

of our world, "to transcend one's [but] a saving necessity."

knew

can never be sure whether

indifference

human

de-

Menninger wrote. "The

of the temptation to shirk." As a psychiatrist, Menninger

that "inactivity

called

we

own

self-centeredness

We might also

apply some

not necessarily a sign of

good reason. Feeling

is

not a virtue

common sense.

illness, for

off balance

may be a sign of sanity, just the goad one needs to

face a

people are

and

ill-at-ease

bad

situation.

A friend, a professor of philosophy, observes that many depressives accurately perceive that they are living under conditions in

which any rea-

sonable person might be despondent. But, she asks with her customary acuity,

can the same be said of acedia? Can

tional response to the vagaries of life?

theology, the answer jection of a divine

would be no,

it

ever be considered a ra-

From the perspective of Christian

for acedia

is

understood as the

re-

and entirely good gift. Because we are made in God's

image, in fleeing from a relationship with a loving God, we are also run-

ning from being our most authentic of view, sion

we can

see that acedia

may not be. When we

a marriage, or health

is

selves.

Even from a secular point

intrinsically deadly,

face a grievous loss

—depression can be an

—of

whereas depres-

a loved one, a job,

inevitable

ate response, providing a time-out to allow for healing.

23

and appropri-

But what

if

one

KATHLEEN NORRIS responded to such a tered in the isolation.

first

with a casual yawn, as

place? That

is

acedia depression?

My

none of it had mat-

answer

is,

at

No, not

sion can

people

contemporary climate, when not

make one

who

are

mind

would be

ill

exactly,

but

must

I

My job is not made

name acedia as depres-

as being morally deficient. This

the useful distinction that

acedia and despair.

A

I

is

an area where

tread along, trying to keep

Thomas Aquinas makes between

contemporary scholar summarizes

his insight:

"For despair, participation in the divine nature through grace ceived as appealing, but impossible; for acedia, the prospect ble,

ex-

suspicious of being in denial, or worse, of judging

only a fool would dare to tread, and thus in

to

intractable

all.

struggle to articulate the difference with precision. easier in the

its

a deadly solipsism

one could find one's way

if

if

the horror of acedia, and

The journey back from such

tremely arduous, Is

loss

is

is

per-

possi-

but unappealing."

The

Vile

Temptation

Monastic people have always known acedia to be a particularly temptation that can

inflict great

vile

damage on the pysche. Mary Margaret

Funk, a contemporary Benedictine, writes that "dejection and anger flict

af-

the mind; food, things, and sex burden the body; but acedia

is

lodged in the very soul." In the fourth century, Evagrius marked acedia as

one of the

spiritual afflictions, far

more deadly than

the

more

physical temptations such as gluttony or lust, or the melancholy aris-

ing from deprivation or anger. Acedia, he insisted,

is

a weariness of soul that "instills in the heart of the

24

something more,

monk a hatred

for

a

ACEDIA the place, a hatred for his very

which

labor,"

so that pears.

manual

[and] a hatred for

world was always linked with prayer.

think of prayer or manual labor as essential for our

well-being, but "hatred for the place" tion. In a

ME

life itself,

in the early monastic

We may not

&

consumer culture we

is

a thoroughly

modern condi-

are advised to keep our options open,

we are always free to grab the new, improved model when it ap-

It is

not easy for us to recognize acedia in ourselves, as

it

prompts

us to see obligations to family, friends, and colleagues as impediments

There are situations,

to that freedom. ships, it is

when

seeking a change

the right course of action. But often

no good reason,

acedia that urges us, for

over circumstances in which

is

as in the case of abusive relation-

we will be affirmed and admired by more

stimulating companions. Whatever the place of our

monastic

ter off just far,

community,

a faith

cell,

walking away.

If

How

God

is

could

all, it is

to be

we

my

is

incompetent;

well,

the

we

are bet-

demon

this

make our self-delusion seem divinely

not the place that

is

the basis of pleasing

adored everywhere."

ever have imagined that

fulfillment in this place,

choir

—

—

The demon of acedia, he writes, "goes on

inspired, perhaps sanctioned.

the Lord.

a job, a marriage

commitment

we have come along with

Evagrius suggests, acedia will

to suggest that, after

and brood

to fantasize

we might

find self-

among these demanding people? The church

my colleague talks too much about her children;

wife doesn't understand me.

Slamming

the door behind us,

we

head for greener pastures, confident that we are seekers on a holy quest. Certain

now

commitment selves," all

that our mission is

is

divinely inspired,

weakness and independence

we need is the open

road. But soon

25

is

we

see clearly that

strength.

To "find our-

we discover that no place

KATHLEEN NORRIS will satisfy us,

needs.

and no one person, no group of

friends,

The oppressive boredom we had hoped

we

firmly within us, and chaff of Psalm

1,

can meet our

to escape

lodged

is

becoming the winnowed

are in danger of

"driven away by the wind."

If

we become

the straw,

we have no hope of gold.

Discernment The

desert monastics

ceptible to acedia

came

to recognize that they

when they

were especially sus-

The fourth-century

tried to meditate.

Amma Theodora said: "As soon as you intend to live in peace, at once evil

comes and weighs down your soul through

ness,

and

evil

thoughts

...

so that

accidie, fainthearted-

one believes one

is ill

able to pray." In this situation, the elders emphasized,

examine the distractions

one

is

and no longer it is

critical to

mind, and to determine

as they arise in the

if

being tempted by pride, anger, or acedia.

Diagnosing one's true condition requires discernment, and Evagrius excelled at

this,

so

much

so that he

still

offers wise counsel.

At the time of prayer, Evagrius observes, we are open to distraction and

an enervating disgust with the (Centuries

later,

self,

with others, and with God.

Coleridge described this syndrome in "The

the Ancient Mariner": "I looked to heaven, ever a prayer

had gushed,

/

A wicked

and

tried to pray;

whisper came, and

Rime of /

But or

made

/

My

heart as dry as dust") Evagrius also observes that thoughts of anger,

and the

monk

lust that often follows

seeking inner

stillness,

on

its

suddenly intrude on the

heels,

increasing his vulnerability to acedia.

Memorably, Evagrius writes that acedia "falls and, dog-like, snatches away the soul as

26

if it

.

.

.

upon souls in this state

were a fawn." As with

much

ACEDIA of his writing, one senses that he

is

ME

&

speaking from experience: his

life

was marked with an inner turbulence that often translated into drastic

changes in his outer circumstance.

A student of two of the greatest

theologians of his era, Basil the Great and Gregory Nazianzen, and a teacher of the

monk

John Cassian, Evagrius attained early fame as a

preacher and churchman in the rich and stimulating environment of Constantinople. But after a disastrous love affair with a socially promi-

nent married

woman, he fled to a monastery in

treated farther into the desert,

rough-hewn and often his education

and

monished him

Jerusalem, and later re-

where he spent the

illiterate

of his

On

at least

among

one occasion they ad-

he spoke.

Evagrius listened well enough to realize that these tained a profound understanding of

human

nature.

cardiognosis (knowledge of the heart), which, as

"had been formed in the crucible of [the

when

life

monks who were not impressed with

sophistication.

to listen before

rest

monks had

He termed

desert]." In holding firm

acedia struck, and carefully discerning what they were being

reverse psychology.

writing

if I

am

doing nothing,

ability to

quire

When and

able, I

am

other people. But

I

it

one scholar notes,

tempted to do, these monks had learned to practice what we might

that

at-

be alone

if

easily

if I

am

I

know

will use others as

I

should remain in

my

study,

not, being willing to be alone with

God,

tempted to leave and seek the company of

honest with myself,

no reason

is

that

call

to

abandon

I

will

admit that

my solitude:

my in-

the danger

an excuse to avoid confronting matters that

is

re-

my full attention. Evagrius defines this temptation as lust, the de-

sire to

draw others

to ourselves for selfish purposes,

and he warns:

"Give no confidence to such promptings; on the contrary, follow the opposite course."

If

I

feel a

strong urge for solitude,

27

I

need to

ask: Is

it

KATHLEEN NORRIS because

I

wish to foster contemplation, or

avoid other people, for

then

latter,

"the sweetness of the I

despise

Acedia

the

we

seek,

else

is

and

about

we may find

alone, he says, but not

if

is

the thought of going out-

not sufficient to distract us

ourselves convinced that

it is

not

monk beset by what John Cassian calls "the foul mist" of acedia depay his respects to the brothers and visit the

The monk in this condition to feel

"great

good about

himself,

is

in

or

woman who

support from others. The

is

and may

more

last

main, "barren, and having

fantasize about

tude,

made no

progress, in his

If

which

to re-

forget

who

he

to practice silence, soli-

he succumbs to one diversion

will lose the capacity to pray,

is

little

cell."

monk will is

or that

and who has

thing he should do, he decides,

for his profession,"

and meditation.

performing the

visits to this

isolated than he,

Cassian warns of the real peril that this

and "the reason

sick."

danger of using other people in order

and pious work" of making more frequent

man

holy

he

companionship.

but only the opportunity to help people. Perhaps

cides "that he should

is,

the

it is

what Abba Theodore termed

may still wish to be

a devious temptation,

interior work,

distraction

If

my neighbor.

whether anyone

side to see

from our

is

seeking an excuse to

in isolation but seek

to better appreciate cell." I

I

harbor a secret contempt?

I

must not remain

I

Only then will I come

because

whom

am

after another,

and become more prone

to despon-

dency. Theologians have always regarded acedia as an especially serious, or "capital," sin because of vices;

it is

and anger tempts us

move

ability to

a root out of which both despair

to be wary, Evagrius says, up,"

its

engender and nourish other

and anger can grow. We

are

when "the irascible part of our soul is stirred to keep others at a distance. Solitude

us from the immediate disturbance, he

28

tells us,

but

it

may re-

won't help

ACEDIA

ME

&

us confront the cause of our irritation and sadness. That will happen

only through the mediation of those "others" detest.

we

are apt to scorn

and

Then, tending the sick would be appropriate, a humbling act of

charity that might free the soul ness. Serving others in

such a

from vainglory and spirit

could help us appreciate these

words of Anthony the Great: "Our life and death

The monastic

illusions of holi-

is

with our neighbor."

perspective can assist us specifically with regard to

moment that the

understanding the value of community. Imagine for a people you encounter

at

home, work, or school are the very people God

has given you to pray with, eat with, and play with for the rest of your

And you

life.

are supposed to thank

times a day. This

is

God

for this, every day, several

what monastic people take on. And what they've

learned from this particular asceticism, in attempting to

may

with themselves and with others, us.

How radical to

think that

we can

ing commitment, not rejecting relegating

know that that

is

them

it;

by

live in

constitute their greatest gift to

best

know

ourselves by embrac-

relating to others, not callously

to the devilishly convenient category of "other."

taking

on

this challenge entails struggling

ence within themselves and accurately naming

the

Monks

with acedia, and

one reason they have been so dedicated to discerning

Naming

peace

its

pres-

it.

Demon

The era of the desert fathers and mothers was no less complex than our

—the fourth-century Mediterranean was turmoil— but monks such Evagrius were

own cial

in great political

as

gage of Western Christendom's concept of sin. defined as

sin, desert

free

and

so-

of the heavy bag-

What

the

Church

later

monks termed "bad thoughts," which to my mind 29

KATHLEEN NORRIS is

a

much more helpful designation. Given

emphasis on

sins of the flesh,

that the early

They

contemporary readers may find

monks regarded

identified

it

as a

the history of the Church's

one of the

lust as

form of greed, the

it

odd

lesser temptations.

desire to possess

and use an-

own

satisfaction.

other person inappropriately in the pursuit of one's

Anger, pride, and acedia were considered the worst of the "thoughts,"

with acedia the most harmful of all, for

it

could

inflict a

complete

loss

of hope and capacity for trust in God.

As the "eight bad thoughts" of the desert monks eventually became the Church's "seven deadly sins," acedia was dropped from the the monks' profound understanding of the all

people suffer

lost

ground to

list,

and

common temptations that

a concept of sin as

an individual's com-

mission of a bad act or omission of a good one. This in turn led to a

form of

superficial

self- justification, for

then I'm not guilty of gluttony; lust.

it

if I

don't

The monks' individual

subtle

don't overeat,

commit adultery, I am

free

largely

I

it

alone had the power to absolve.

comprehension of temptation

it

as

thoughts that the

submerged. The insidious thought of acedia was not act,

and

it

was soon subsumed within the

regard the early monastic perspective

all

when

on the

people face as an ur-psychology that

was

first

is

easily

sin of sloth.

basic temptations

as relevant today as

conceived. In The Praktikos, his primary

work on

these temptations as he experienced them, Evagrius characterizes as gluttony, lust, greed, sadness, anger, acedia, vainglory,

The

of

may identify and resist before they turn into harmful actions

defined as an

that

I

The new emphasis on acts also contributed to the Church's power;

alone could identify the acts that

was

instance: If

idea of sadness as a "bad thought"

perverse, but Evagrius explains that

30

it

may strike modern

often

and

them

pride.

readers as

comes upon us when our

ACEDIA desires are thwarted,

and we

parents caring for us at a time

call to

&

ME

mind poignant memories of our

when we felt more at home in the world.

This exercise in nostalgia can be treacherous. As the scholar Lucien

Regnault points out, Evagrius came to believe that the demons "cannot act directly on the

intellect.

They arouse

evil

thoughts by working

on the memory and imagination." Evagrius warns that sist

if

we do not re-

these seemingly harmless thoughts at the outset, they soon "[pour]

out in pleasures that are

and drench

grow

.

.

us] in sadness."

less able to

Evagrius

only mental in nature" and then "[seize us

.

As we come

we

enjoy the present or invest in the future.

quite astute

is

to prefer living in the past,

on the

subject of

how

quickly a person's

unresolved anger can turn against him, building an intensity that inappropriate to

its

presumed

cause.

is

The one who inwardly harbors

such an all-encompassing indignation manifests "a general debility of the body, malnutrition with

attendant pallor, and the illusion of

its

being attacked by poisonous wild beasts." John Eudes Bamberger, the Cistercian is

monk who

translated

The Praktikos into English, and who

a physician, notes that Evagrius's "description of the dynamics of

disproportionate anger" those

who

best "appreciated for

is

its

accuracy ... by

have carefully followed the progression of certain forms of

schizophrenia." I

recognize

all

too well anger as Evagrius describes

stirring

up of wrath

to have

done

so. It

time of prayer sive

it

against

it:

one who has given injury

"a boiling

—or

is

constantly irritates the soul and above

seizes the

mind and

person before one's eyes."

I

thought

all at

the

flashes the picture of the offen-

have endured what Evagrius terms

"alarming experiences by night," when indignation overpowers disrupts

and

me and

my sleep. I may dwell for a time on the immediate cause of my 3!

KATHLEEN NORRIS anger, but

if

I

other people

do not check my rage,

who

reason to detest.

I

am likely to think of other slights,

have been disagreeable, or

Once when

I

whom

was furious with

feel

I

I

have good

my husband,

home to

portance of resisting the "bad thought" of anger was brought

me.

I

found myself wide awake

in the

middle of the night, brimming

with resentment. David had acted irresponsibly, and justified in

from

my rage.

my husband to

to those

But

as

others

my litany of complaint who had

the im-

recently

I

thoroughly

felt

raced on, moving

wronged me, and then

who had annoyed me in the more distant past, I stopped. Wait

a minute,

I

on

said to myself, this could go

forever.

What's really hap-

pening here?

That question had an answer. dismissed

And

my anger for the phantom

it

only after

was could

had consciously

see past the shad-

My husband had not been able to help himself, and was in fact in

ows.

a highly fragile state.

which was found

fear.

My anger had masked what I really felt for him,

Somewhere

in

my reading of monastic literature I had

a description of anger as the seed of compassion,

keenly on that night.

and an open

ear.

I

sion.

But even

perspective,

prisoned

I

as

I

and

What my husband needed most was

had

to reject

my feelings

I felt

this

hospitality,

of hurt and anger, which

were self-indulgent under the circumstances.

gift

I

I

I

needed to

clear

my vi-

recognize the psychology involved in this change of

have to admit to

its

theological import. If anger

had im-

me within myself, only love could free me, the love that is the

of a merciful God.

When

discussing the psychology of the desert

monks, we must

re-

member that for them God was at the center of it all. They disdained discussing theology, and while they often spoke about the importance of loving one's neighbor, they did not specifically mention the love of God.

32

ACEDIA But

God was

ME

&

always their reference point. As John Eudes Bamberger

has commented, the monks' concerns were eminently practical, yet they

were also directed

at

more than

the psychological and social conse-

quences of bad thoughts and actions. to mirror God's pure

If their hearts

and unconditional

and their lives were

love, they

needed

to

concern

themselves with anything that clouded that divine image.

To Speak of Sin

A

friend

who

is

a

monk,

a scholar, and, like

Benedictines, the client of a psychiatrist

once remarked that what we

some contemporary

and a user of psychotropics,

call "issues"

the early

monks

called

probably not that simple, but I'm tempted to brandish

"demons."

It's

my poetic

license

and say that

he's right.

And what

of sin? Shouldn't

we dump the sick old theology that makes the depressed person feel not

Of course, but we need to be clear about

only worthless but

evil as well?

what we

and recognize that this subject is

intense

are doing,

likely to trigger

and also polarized response. Some people bristle

tion that they be held in any

way accountable

for their

an

at the sugges-

mental

states,

while others regard a concern with underlying causes or motivations as

an attempt to excuse bad behavior and

The

psychiatrist Karl

evil acts.

Menninger, struggling with

this

dilemma

in

the latter half of the twentieth century, observed that even though one

may detect the reasons behind a sin, this "does not correct its offensiveness,

its

excuses all

destructiveness,

no

one,'

its

essential

wrongness.

If

'ignorance of the law

ignorance of the truth surely cannot absolve one from

sins of omission. Call

callousness, or whatever

it

—

sloth, acedia, apathy, indifference, laziness, if refusal to

33

learn permits the continuity of

— KATHLEEN NORRIS destructive evil, such willful ignorance

is

surely wrong."

It

may be,

for

example, that a person abuses a child because he or she suffered similar

cruelty in childhood. This does not diminish the reality of pain for

the child

now undergoing

the abuse, or in Menninger's terms,

"wrongness." And unless that wrong ful effects will

sponsibility for being

any

I

as a sin,

I

am not suggesting that people bear re-

overwhelmed by the medical condition

which

as depression,

essayist,

named and addressed, its harm-

is

be passed on to future generations of innocent children.

By treating acedia

nosed

its

is

not a moral failing but an

illness.

diag-

Yet like

am an explorer, and I mean to explore freely what I have

experienced for most of my life as "acedia" in the light of literature, theology, psychology,

and pharmacology. I need to

try out, test, weigh,

and probe the

depression and the vice of acedia.

standing of sin can

assist

essay, in all its senses

distinctions I

between the disease of

suspect that an informed under-

us in sorting

them

out.

regard sin as a viable concept, one that helps explain the mess

I

we've

made of our

battered, embattled world,

make of so many personal

relationships.

that trips us up, as theologians for a facile

It's

and the shambles we

the abuse of the doctrine

and church leaders have often

settled

and narrow view of sin that leaves people either firmly con-

vinced of their

own virtue or resigned to believing that they are beyond

redemption.

find

I

it

instructive that while the early

monks

tossed

around the words "demons" and "bad thoughts" with abandon, they did not speak of sin.

Acedia

is

as the eighth

yet ally

I

best understood not as

one of the seven deadly sins, but

bad thought. Depression may well be one of its names,

sense that acedia contains something

mean when we

say that

someone 34

is

more than what we

depressed.

I

am

in

gener-

good com-

ACEDIA pany. Both John Cassian and operates

it

both a

tory of acedia. As a

mended

Thomas Aquinas

on the border between the

considered

physical

and an ailment

sin

remedy for the

I

am

—

and

recognized that acedia

and the

spiritual

a recurring

affliction,

a hot bath, a glass of wine,

Certainly

ME

&

a

theme

life.

They

in the his-

Thomas Aquinas recom-

good

night's sleep.

grateful for the great advances that have helped

destigmatize mental illness and brought relief to millions, including

husband and me. ful

than

it

seems.

Still,

It's

may be

less

a start in the right direction, but only that.

at a primitive stage in

ment

labeling despair as an illness

in influencing

my

help-

We are

determining the role of genetics and environ-

our behavior, and what we believe to be our en-

lightened and sophisticated understanding of the

human

character

may prove, within a few short years, to be as primitive as Aristotle's notion that four

humors

are the

History suggests that

prime determinants of temperament.

we tend

know, and that we never know torians believed that they

ing

all

that there

was

to

is

always

be overconfident about what we

much

as

we

think

had brought science

to

we

revolution.

Some Vic-

do.

an end by discover-

know, but they were wrong. In

on the verge of a scientific spective

as

to

Whatever age we

fact

they were

live in,

much more limited than we believe, and

our per-

even as

we

progress in our understanding, blind spots remain that astonish and appall those

who come after

us. Yet

it is

also true that

we have learned

enough, over thousands of years, to have developed some idea of what helps us live

hinders us.

more

fully

to recognize

what

We have not changed so much that the myth of Narcissus

has no relevance today; pect of the

and compassionately, and

human

it is

a valid representation of a

personality.

We still

dangerous

as-

recognize as love the emotion

evoked by the poet Sappho, or the author of the Song of Solomon.

35

KATHLEEN NORRIS When we heart,

as a seal

/

upon your arm;

/

for love

fierce as the grave" (8:6), these ancient

move

me

read the impassioned plea "Set

and on

us,

is

as a seal

upon your

strong as death,

words

still

/

passion

have the power to

deep for words, we comprehend them

a level too

as truth.

For me, the writings of Evagrius have a similarly evocative freshness

and experiential tone. His work remains obscure, in part because his theology was condemned as heretical by a Church council after his death,

but he remains an influential figure in the history of Christian thought, in

both Eastern and Western traditions.

He

has been called the "father

of our literature of spirituality" and "the creator of 'the

system of Christian

humor

spirituality.'"

enjoy

how

complete

he employs the

to penetrate the fog of mystical experience, bringing

to earth.

light

of

me down

Of our seemingly limitless capacity for self-aggrandizement, he

demon of vainglory being chased by nearly

writes: "I have observed the all

I

first

when

the other demons, and

near and unfolded a long

list

his pursuers

fell,

shamelessly he drew

of his virtues." There

ether here, only shrewd insight into the

is

no

theological

human condition.

As Evagrius and Cassian do not merely predate modern psychology, but also prefigure

latitude

I

confront sions,

told

am willing to grant to their writings the same

give to other ancient literature. Their perspective helps

my own

and

me

it, I

I

also

me

bad thoughts, temptations, neuroses, and compul-

know

that

am

I

that reading Cassian

not alone.

A young woman

recently

on sadness and acedia helped her cope

with depression in ways that complemented the medications she'd taken and the therapy she'd received. But

if I

am to appreciate fully the

contribution of these early Christian writers,

comfortable assumption,

still

I

pervasive in literary

J6

need to

let

go of the

and academic circles,

ACEDIA that religion

is

ME

&

of no use to us today. Grounded in the nineteenth-

human advancement and

century belief in unceasing

in the writings

of such innovators as Freud and Nietzsche, this prejudice takes myr-

smug certainty that religion keeps people at an infantile

iad forms: the stage of

a

development that the worldly person must outgrow; that

weapon

that

it is

to

make people

the cause of

all

feel guilty for

it is

things that are not their fault;

violent conflict.

Joyce Carol Oates, in a review of Andrew Solomon's masterly study

of depression, The Noonday Demon, epitomizes a disdain for religion that

is

common among

welcome and believers.

rare in

but she contributes something

intellectuals,

acknowledging

its

profound value, even

un-

to

She laments the Judeo-Christian origins of Solomon's

title,

writing that "one might wince at the theological metaphor, with suggestion of demonic possession

hension of mental

illness

we

scientific

a primitive stage in

of speech

our compre-

we've advanced beyond."

like to believe

Yet, she adds, "the poetic figure

amount of

—

its

is

a powerful

one that no

terminology and matter-of-fact discussions of

serotonin deficiency, neurotransmitter systems or tricyclics can match.

Though we 'know' better, we tend

to

'feel'

symbolically."

appreciate how, in a deft phrase, Oates skewers

I

religious faith in science, technology,

what amounts

and medicine, which,

in con-

fronting the mysteries of our bodies, remains less a science than an

Maybe we look

at

still

need to

"feel" symbolically

to

because we're human.

art.

Let's

an ancient poem, Psalm 91, from which the early monks coined

the term

You

"noonday demon":

will

not fear the terror of the night

nor the arrow that

flies

by

day,

37

KATHLEEN NORRIS nor the plague that prowls nor the scourge that

While we are

waste

darkness

at

noon.

too familiar with nighttime terrors, we might well ask:

all

What scourge

lays

in the

noon? Andrew Solomon explains

that lays waste at

he chose The Noonday Demon as the

title

for his

that

book because he found

the phrase "describes so exactly what one experiences in depression

Most demons

them

see

—most forms of anguish—

clearly

is

rely

on the cover of night;

to defeat them. Depression stands in the full glare

of the sun, unchallenged by recognition. You can the wherefore

and

norance. There

be

is

suffer just as

much

as if

know all the why and

you were shrouded by

said."

who

Cassian,

provide

much

thought about acedia, we find trist,

they

but by at

it's

itself

all

that, as

much

false

is

as

any modern psychia-

at

monks had learned

is

prayer in the cool of the morning could

period of time" unendurable. "The

toil

for a long

of the ascetic struggle," which

had once seemed the very foundation of life, was now exposed That Evagrius characterizes these thoughts

not speak of "possession") matters

how despair

am tempted to

is

of little use. Whatever

by midday, and the view of "life stretching out

description of

that

unbearably hot, and one's energy

the knowledge in the world

peace and joy one found

tile.

and

of the substance of early Christian

could not effect a healing. These

noon, when the sun

seem

as Evagrius

knew that awareness of one's underlying problems was key,

drained, that

I

ig-

almost no other mental state of which the same can

Reading fourth- and fifth-century monks such

all

to

far less

as a

38

"demon" (he does

than the exactitude of his

takes hold of a person.

run from an onerous task

as fu-

I

know

in the present,

that

when

am

likely

I

ACEDIA to picture past times that

I

ME

&

now imagine

to

be better than they were,

or to project myself into future events of which nothing.

I

this place

am

and time. Acedia can

landscape and

am

unable to see the grace that

make hope

and

I

that

seem mine

this

and

fifteen years old again,

lived to

alone. tell

of

I

available to

me

know

now, in

any place into a stark desert

flatten

a mirage.

is

can, in fact,

I

Time

itself

becomes unbearable,

under assault by horrible thoughts

have no idea that others have experienced

it.

A desert monk troubled by "bad thoughts" knew he was not alone. He was expected to seek out an elder and ask for "a word." But the elder consulted was likely to be reluctant, and even suspicious.

mined

that he

was being consulted

for the

wrong

sion from tedium or an excuse to socialize, he

If

he deter-

reasons, as a diver-

would admonish the

seeker to stop looking outward for what he needed to look for within.

Lengthy confession or conversation was deemed unnecessary, and the elder's

your

good word often consisted of Zen-like

cell,"

said

This was a

Abba Moses, "and your

cell will

instruction: "Go,

sit

in

teach you everything."

common saying in the desert. Fighting acedia with a fo-

cused, intentional stability was considered so vital in maintaining a

good

relationship with

God and one's

fellow

monks that elders some-

times gave their disciples advice that contradicted the monastic norms.

One

counseled, "Go, eat, drink, sleep, do

your

cell."

Astonishingly, given

how

another elder advised, "Don't pray at to

one

scholar, this

the elder

needed to

whose

knew

full

it is

central prayer all,

was

to the

leave

monks,

just stay in the cell." According

admonition concealed "a fearsome demand," and well "what courage,

tolerate the

specialty

no work, only do not

demon

of acedia

.

what heroic endurance was .

.

the

most oppressive of all,

to take a dislike to [staying] in

39

one

place."

KATHLEEN NORRIS

Call It a

That sort of perseverance dia,

and

can

it

Praise of

still

is still

titled "In

Boredom," the twentieth-century writer Joseph Brodsky de-

boredom, ... is

required of us in contending with ace-

be a discouraging endeavor. In a speech

and allowing yourself to be crushed by

scribed facing ennui head-on,

idea

Day

for "the

sooner you hit bottom, the

to exact a full look at the worst.

such scrutiny

is

that

it

faster

you

surface.

The reason boredom

represents pure, undiluted time in

The

deserves

all its

repet-

redundant, monotonous splendor." Brodsky was addressing

itive,

American

words would no doubt resonate

college students, but his

with monks,

who

have long understood "hitting bottom" as recogniz-

ing that you are not going anywhere, because you are already there.

Can't rest?

we just

call

it

a day,

and

give

Might we consider boredom

also as

one of its

our overanxious and ironic

as not only necessary for

greatest blessings?

selves a

our life but

A gift, pure and simple, a precious

chance to be alone with our thoughts and alone with God? In claiming boredom in this sense, a "recollection of the

from a

self."

we approach what monks term

That sounds pleasant enough, but

narcissistic endeavor: in a pitched battle

come up

against the best

and the worst in

it is

far

with acedia, we will

ourselves.

Only after this trial

can we enjoy, in the words of Saint Bruno, the founder of the extremely ascetic

Carthusian order, a newly dynamic solitude, in "leisure that

occupied and activity that

is

tranquil." Yet

busy ourselves than to merely

exist.

can distract us from remembering

purpose might tempted to

feel

be.

it is

is

always easier for us to

Even important and useful work

who we

Monastic wisdom

are,

and what our deeper

insists that

when we

are

most

bored, apathetic, and despondent over the meaningless-

40

— ACEDIA ness of life to

God.

we

It is

are

on the verge of discovering our true

God who

Am" whom Moses

One need

to

the very ground of being,

is

encountered

at the

burning bush.

notebook entry F. Scott Fitzgerald speaks of boredom

not "an end product" but an important and necessary "stage in

and

art,"

acting like a

filter

The philosopher Bertrand

who

Russell describes himself as an I

should

only endured so

far,

long-spread-out

boredom ahead of me

saved

know more

"desire to

hating

life

live to

my whole

a fourteenth part of

him from

life

that allows "the clear product [to emerge]."

realized at the age of five that "if

What

do

not be a monk, or even a religious believer, to confront

this mystery. In a

as

self in relation

worth not giving up, because when we are willing

nothing but "be," we meet the the great "I

ME

&

be seventy,

and

life,

I

had

I felt

the

be almost unendurable."

to

enough

unhappy child

to

commit

suicide

was the

mathematics." Speaking prophetically to future

generations, including our own, he writes that "a generation that can-

not endure boredom will be a generation of vorced from the slow processes of nature, in withers." If I

lenge

Even

we as

I

discovered

monks

are likely to come.

describe

hopeless,

unduly

di-

individual.

is

one that

and

I

I

it.

know well.

The syndrome It is

am hard pressed to

just

when

care whether

word or not, that the most valuable breakthroughs

When I face trials in my life and work, I have found

that the perspective of another

—

.

become an

work habits necessary for nourishing

ever write another

own

.

my vocation as a writer, I had to struggle to main-

work seems most

can bring

.

whom every vital impulse

faced was the same, that of daring to

that the ancient

I

men

was saved by poetry, and Russell by mathematics, the chal-

tain the boring

the

little

—

pastor, physician, counselor, editor

me to my senses. But it's the work I have learned to do on my

the self-editing,

if

you

will

—

that has proved the

41

most

valuable.

KATHLEEN NORRIS Where

acedia

is

concerned, the desert abbas and

ammas advocate

plentiful self-editing,

and they employ harsh imagery to convey acedia's

power

to distract us

from

astray

by acedia

dumb

some job

to a

be done, and

to

it.

.

John Climacus compares the person led

beast: .

.

"Tedium reminds those

at

searches out any plausible excuse to drag

us from prayer, as though with

some kind of halter." Most anyone who

has endeavored to maintain the habit of prayer, or making ular exercise or athletic training,

down to out

how

cause

I

might

and

as well load

to write, but as

toilet,

I

I

start the

am pulled to

on the work

at

arise.

should

I

should dust and organize

more work done

will get

to concentrate

doing.

is

or reg-

art,

knows this syndrome well. When

pray or to write, a host of thoughts so-and-so

prayer of

in a neater space.

washing machine.

one task hand.

seems more compelling than

after

Any

sitting

my desk, be-

may

another

activity,

call to find

While I'm I

I

I sit

at

it, I

truly desire

lose the ability

even scrubbing the

down to face the blank page.

My favorite story about this state of mind concerns a university professor

who went on sabbatical to write a book, and resolved to keep to

a strict

work schedule. A colleague who drove by his house one day was

surprised to see

him

"I started to

work

occurred to

me

in the yard, wearing coveralls

this

morning," the

man

and hauling a hose.

explained, "and

that I've lived here for over five years

it

suddenly

and have never

washed the house." It is all

a matter of perspective. There

took a piece of dry wood and told his fruit."

How

bizarre, perhaps cruel,

is

the story of an abba

disciple,

"Water

this until

it

who

bears

an instruction that seems; yet

in

nurturing a marriage over a span of thirty years, and in keeping to the

have often found

discipline of writing

and

myself watering dead

wood with tears, and with very little hope. I have

revising for even longer,

42

I

ACEDIA also

been astonished by how those

ME

&

have allowed

tears

life

to

emerge out

of what had seemed dead.

Acedia and Vocation

The concept of acedia has always been

Acedia was, and remains, the monk's most dangerous temptation,

tion.

as

it

makes the

pletely futile. is

closely linked with that of voca-

he has vowed to undertake seem

As one scholar has

"dealing with

feats. It is

life

stated, the

foolish, if

monk struggling with acedia

more than bad moods, psychic fluctuations, or moral de-

a question of the resolve that arises in the

monk

choice for which the

hold ... to realize

has risked his

[his] full potential in

life

ple live with the tension of having to find all

and

wake of a to

is

on

in a

He

way of life

and useless. Artists can feel a similar disconnect, and

many could no doubt

identify with a caustic

Eliot, to the effect that

when

that he has wasted his

all is

said

remark attributed to

and done, the writer may

youth and wrecked

are slow to appear,

if

they

come

at

lished in the 1960s, "Scientific Acedia," elaborates

cupational hazard

among men

great concentration practical value.

and

is

realize

all.

is

long

An article pub-

on the vice as "an

oc-

of learning that takes the form of a

general withdrawal of motivation for research ation from science." Acedia

T. S.

his health for nothing.

Acedia has been observed in other areas in which the labor

little

that

the reverent lip service paid to "holy orders," considers

largely anachronistic

and the rewards

has bet

Monastic peo-

this."

meaning

decisive

which he must

oneness with God.

everything that he has and everything that he

the world, for

not com-

a danger to

discipline yet

is

The world does not 43

and an increasing alien-

anyone whose work requires considered by care

if

I

many to be

of

write another word,

KATHLEEN NORRIS and

if I

am

to care,

strength. But the

have to

I

demon

summon

of acedia

is

all

my interior

adept

at striking

motivation and

when

those re-

sources are at a low ebb, as John Berryman notes:

boring.

Life, friends, is

After

we

all,

We must not say so.

the sky flashes, the great sea yearns,

and yearn,

ourselves flash

and moreover

my mother told me as a boy

(repeatingly) 'Ever to confess you're bored

means you have no

Inner Resources.'

I

conclude

inner resources, because

I

now I

have no

am heavy bored.

Peoples bore me, literature bores

One would

me, especially great

expect that literature, especially great literature, would in-

spire a writer such as

Berryman, or at least enhance

thiness of his craft. But no, acedia insists, is

to seize us precisely

who we

literature.

are,

where our hope

and mock

that

it's

lies,

which sustains

his faith in the

wor-

just boring. Acedia's genius

to tear

away

at the heart

of

us.

Liminal Acedia Acedia's liminal status in the history of Western culture,

Christian East, has allowed

it

to

in the

be a slippery operator, persistently

eluding our attempts to comprehend like trying to define a negative

and

it.

Trying to talk about acedia

is

or grab a shadow. As the monks' "eight

44

ACEDIA

ME

&

bad thoughts" evolved into the Church's "seven deadly dia

was hidden within the

sin of sloth,

it

sins,"

and

ace-

played a terrible trick on us.

We came to regard sloth as an insignificant physical laziness, or a pleasant and even healthy lassitude. Evelyn

Waugh acknowledges that most

of us believe sloth to be "a mildly facetious variant of 'indolence,' and indolence, surely, so far from being a deadly sin,

is

one of the most ami-

able of weaknesses."

But

I

wonder.

Specifically,

I

wonder about our synonyms

They sound harmless

ness: listlessness, languor, lassitude, indolence.

enough, a good, long stretch on plump pillows. tively soft

a cause,

sound, but

root

at

"to

fall

Listlessness

means being unable

and a symptom, of serious mental

from a Latin word meaning

meaning

it

"to feel faint,"

for lazi-

to desire,

lassitude

forward because of weariness."

which

is

Languor derives

distress.

and

has a seduc-

It is

from a word

related to alas,

connoting misfortune and unhappiness. The harder sound of indolence clues us in to even

and

ual laziness,"

in

its

more

root

serious trouble.

we

find a very

bad habit indeed. Dolor

an ancient word for "pain," and indolence

We've does

now come

it

about

is

the inability to feel

do

close to the worst that acedia can

make us unable

that. If

defined as "habit-

It is

we can no

to care,

it

takes

away our

longer weep, or desire, or

it.

to us: not only

ability to feel feel

is

pain and

bad

grief,

well, that's all right; we'll settle for that, we'll get by.

Whether there

is

a wily devil lurking out there or

we have merely

bedeviled ourselves with delusions concerning the true nature of sloth, I

am

intrigued that over the course of the last sixteen hundred years

we managed

to lose the

word

acedia.

Maybe

that's

one reason why,

as

we

languish from spiritual drought,

us.

We spend greater sums on leisure but are more tense than ever, and 45

we

are often

unaware of what

ails

— KATHLEEN NORRIS hire lifestyle coaches to ease the stress.

We

turn away from the daily

news, complaining of "compassion fatigue " and enroll in classes to learn

how to breathe and relax. Increasingly, we need drugs in order to

sleep.

We

are

tempted

to regard with reverence those dedicated souls

who make themselves available "twenty- four/seven" and regard silence But when distraction be-

as unproductive, solitude as irresponsible.

comes the norm, we ing

itself.

We

are

are in danger of becoming

more

likely to

immunized from

feel-

indulge in public spectacles of

undemanding pseudo-care than address humanity's immediate needs. Is it

possible that in twenty-first-century America, acedia has

into

its

If

own?

only

it

How can that be, when so few know its name? were

as easy as

shouting "Rumpelstiltskin" and watching

the fiend dissolve in a rage around his

fire.

by many names. To the ancient Greeks

monks

it

despair. Petrarch called

it

fourth-century

It

became known

was

as responsible as

it

to Robert

du

the

a

Dead

it

it

to

a sin.

III,

arguably

Sea, over

it

spleen; to Baudelaire,

and

was ennui. To Kierkegaard

it

which no bird can soar with-

To the nineteenth-century French,

it

was the mal

or the illness of the age. To twentieth-century playwrights

Chekhov, Ionesco, and Albee among them underlies domestic relationships, itself is

the

in the Renaissance as

boredom of Richard

in the years to follow,

falling to its death.

siecle,

and Dante named

Burton and others it is

gall; to

ambition in triggering his monstrous violence.

was the soul turned into out

was the black

and tenacious temptation

a vicious

Jonathan Swift and Alexander Pope called

many writers

But acedia has been called

the nameless woe,

melancholy. In Shakespeare,

to

come

—

it

fuels the

making us suspect

absurd and unworkable. Acedia

46

is

acrimony that

that relationship

the place where

we

wait for

ACEDIA Godot, and

the state of waiting.

it is

of ironic detachment, of valuing I

life

It is

the fashionably negative pose

as "less than zero."

can hear scholars howling, with some justification, that

mixing

That

ME

&

it all

up, failing to

make the

necessary and proper distinctions.

am

deeply indebted to the work of

their job, not mine.

is

who

Reinhard Kuhn,

in

am

I

I

The Demon of Noontide: Ennui

Literature examines acedia's baleful effects

on the human

in

Western over

spirit

many centuries. He finds that already in the literature of antiquity, "the seeds of the

modern plague were

present," noting echoes of Aristotle's

"black bile" in Joyce's Stephen Dedalus, the horror

loci (fear

of place)

of Lucretius and Horace in Baudelaire's "The Voyage" and Beckett's tramps, and the squeamishness of Seneca's Serenus in the nausea of

Roquentin.

Sartre's

As

for

long after acedia

no

I

I

it

need

to

tell

a story.

had been surprised

made by

idea

jected

me,

from the

monk,

painful the labor

start.

ago, not

to find myself in the description of

a fourth-century

how long and

More than twenty years

I

conceived this book.

would

be, or

But in conversations with

I

I

had

might have

re-

my husband, David,

who was also a poet, I began to work with the connections I was making between

my experience

David suggested that

I

my

experience as a writer.

look at Aldous Huxley's essay "Accidie."

interlibrary loan, but despite

that has

of acedia and

its

author's renown, this work, like

been written about acedia, was not easy to

time to track

it

locate.

It

I

tried

much

took some

down, and when I did I found something that changed

my life.

47

iv.

Psyche, Soul,

and Muse

A

Poet's Education

Aldous Huxley's "Accidie" begins with a look their depiction of the

learned,

who was

Huxley notes, that

this

demon

that

had done

Huxley then dia" through the

a

good

unbelief.

his departure, con-

day's work."

traces, in a brisk tour

Middle Ages

"through disgust

and hopeless

happened the demon smiled and took

scious that he

demon

could seize upon any

monk

lassitude into the black depths of despair

When

as a

not afraid to walk by day." The

weakness, however small, in order to take a

and

monks and

daemon meridianus, or noonday demon,

"fiend of deadly subtlety,

monks

at the desert

de

force, "the progress

of ace-

to the twentieth century. Considered a

or a vice by early Christian monks, acedia in the Renaissance

was thought of

as a physical ailment, called the vapors, or spleen.

the early eighteenth century, "accidie was ease." But,

Huxley adds, "a change was

Green termed "the

sin of worldly

erary virtue, a spiritual mode.

.

.

at

still, if

not a

By

sin, at least a dis-

hand." What the poet

Matthew

sorrow" in 1837 was becoming "a lit.

Then came

the nineteenth-century

and romanticism; and with them the triumph of the meridian demon.

ACEDIA Accidie in

its

most complicated and deadly form,

dom, sorrow, and despair, was now an and

novelists,

When as a poet.

I

and

read

it

this,

many

For

part.

a part of

inspiration to the greatest poets

I

felt

that

Huxley was describing

years, ever since I

I

school,

had sung

Meaning

had assumed

Underhill on

my

was

that religion

my life. This was not a conscious rebellion on my

in a choir, read

Sunday

for a

my education

entered the resolutely secular

had gladly attended church with

I

a mixture of bore-

has remained so to this day."

atmosphere of Bennington College,

no longer

ME

&

own.

class, I

my

family

books such

all

through high

Man s

as

Search for

and discovered the writings of Evelyn

also

had staggered through

a dense

little

paperback containing Soren Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling and

The Sickness unto Death, not even half comprehending what was there but persisting nonetheless.

At Bennington,

I

decided that religion did not interest

more. Literature made a viable substitute, and during freshman year, the poet Ben

Belitt,

my

any-

English professor

immersed

contemplative, line-by-line reading of Joyce's

me

his students in a

A Portrait of the Artist as

a Young Man, and also led us through exquisitely detailed and probing exegeses of such poets as Hopkins, Pound, in

and

Eliot.

For the

time

first

my life I was elated by poetry, astonished to find that so much mean-

ing could be packed into so few words.

thought, and other ideas.

He was

and that

poet,

make

I

Hesitantly, nify,

I

made

teaching literature the

first

person

had not only

I

could read this way forever,

my

who

life's

work. But

suggested to

Belitt

had

me that was I

I

a

to read, but to write as well.

humbly, awed to discover

a first attempt, mustering

writing in earnest, and reading

all

how much poems could sig-

some

fifteen

the poetry

49

I

words. Soon

I

was

could find. As a junior

— KATHLEEN NORRIS I

indulged myself in a yearlong seminar on seventeenth-century verse

made me wonder whether

that

and poetry could had

but

lost,

I

both Anglican English.

in order to

last

era in

seemed

to

which

religion

be something

I

was heartened that John Donne and George Herbert, priests,

had produced some of the year, as

Shelley, Keats

I

become

A child of the

greatest poetry in

steeped myself in the Romantics

—and the French Symbolists,

outgrowing a religious

lieve that

was the

coexist so amicably. Faith

Over the next

Wordsworth,

that

faith

was something

1

I

came to be-

needed to do

a writer.

1960s,

I

was attracted by the

rebel stance of Shelley,

Byron, and Baudelaire. To challenge authority, convention, and traditional religion: that

was the

poet's calling.

embark on Rimbaud's drunken

made

boat, that

To disorder the senses and

was the

in order to reveal the full potency of

sacrifice the writer

human

experience.

As an

impressionable adolescent, seeking in poetry a refuge from shyness

and

social incapacity,

I

found

it

attractive to cultivate a disdain for the

day-to-day, and for less enlightened people their

content with

mundane existence. The Romantics had been fighting a legitimate

battle,

what the poet Louise Bogan termed "a

[one] against the 18th century's cold logic view." She

found

it

unfortunate that "so

much

difficult

of that early boldness

excesses of various kinds,"

so that by the mid-twentieth century, poets

sociated in the popular imagination with drug tal illness,

and suicide.

to follow a

It

and unpopular

and mechanical point of

much

and originality" was, however, "dissipated in so

who were

had become

as-

and alcohol abuse, men-

was discouraging for an aspiring young writer

postwar generation of poets whose madness and

destruction had been so public: Dylan Thomas, Sylvia Plath, Sexton, Delmore Schwartz, John Berryman.

50

self-

Anne

ACEDIA I fell

into a trap that ensnares

when I was depressed and citable, hyperactive state.

many

novice poets, writing only

allowing the writing to lead

This

for a while, but in the long

ME

&

run

method can it is

me

into an ex-

foster literary productivity

The poet Donald Hall

self-defeating.

has said that while "no one can induce bipolarity in order to

poems," the question remains: "Does the practice of the a tendency? Surely for the artist the disorder

form

—

is

make

art exacerbate

creative in

its

manic

excitement, confidence, the rush of energy and invention." Yet

once that energy

is

expended, exhaustion

flowed so quickly seems unbearably slow. A

sets in,

and the time

that

restless anxiety stirs within,

and acedia can take hold. Huxley's "Accidie"

made me

I

had appro-

most conducive

to writing,

are enemies of the creative spirit.

My literary

priated as truth: that despair

and

that place

and time

reconsider two fallacies

is

the state

education in this type of desperation Kafka's short story

T don't know,' nothing goal?'

else, it's

he asked.

neatly

"The Departure": "'Where

said, 'just

I

is

the only

'Yes,' I

summarized is

in Franz

the master going?'

out of here, just out of here. Out of here,

way I can reach

my goal.' 'So you know your

replied, 'I've just told you.

Out of here

—

that's

my goal.' " I had never considered acedia's role in making what Huxley terms "the sense of universal spair,

futility,

the feelings of boredom and de-

with the complementary desire to be 'anywhere, anywhere out

of the world,' or at least out of the place in which one happens at the

moment to be," seem

indispensable for creating poetry. Huxley's cool

assessment opened a door into blast of fresh

my

air.

51

self-imposed prison, and

let in a

KATHLEEN NORRIS

"The Gift of Faith Has Been Denied Me" I

encountered Huxley's essay

young woman grounded. lationship,

my

I

in

my first long-term, committed, and stable re-

my husband and home

grandparents'

found

my life. The cerebral

time in

had been was becoming someone much more

I

had entered

and

at a critical

I

had moved from

New York City to

South Dakota. Using recipes

in western

I

my grandmother's kitchen, I learned to bake bread. I worked

in her garden

and struggled

to keep her perennials alive.

I

planted

my

own herbs and vegetables. The people I encountered every day were not other writers but farmers and ranchers, and something of their deep respect for

In

my

reconcile

God, the land, and the weather began thirties,

what

I

though, unease nagged

had long

my

see as, irreconcilable:

felt

to be,

and

me,

at

in fact

my grandmother where I still

I

had gone

considered

had been a member to it

as

for

attempted to

I

had been educated

vocation as a writer, and a

occasionally attended the Presbyterian church

on me.

to rub off

life

up the

more than

of

faith.

street,

where

and

sixty years

grandmother's church and not

friendship with the pastors there led

my

own.

I

conducting a

class.

my dream may about

human

might teach

chemistry

He was no

lab,

more than

where a

monk

I

a week.

One

had met was

chemist, but a scholar of monasticism;

have signified that he had something to teach

chemistry. At the time

me

for

at-

my first visit, I

could not have said why. After

dreamed about the place every night set in a

My

me to a Benedictine abbey some

ninety miles north, and the monks' liturgy of the hours deeply

dream was

I

Sunday school during childhood summers. But

my

tracted me, although

to

anything.

52

I

found

it

curious that a

me

monk

ACEDIA

ME

&

The monastic men and women of the fourth century went into the

When

I

had no such design.

I

desert for the specific purpose of combatting their

moved

to

wanted

a quiet place to write

my

South Dakota with

and

husband, to nurture

planting myself firmly in a marriage, in part of the world considered by

thing untoward, and tractions,

where

it is

more

I

most

our relationship. But by

my grandparents' house

to be a desert,

radical than

I

When

so

Faith

stability

Anne

had done some-

many

of

my

I

I

generation were

was attempting to

my writing but

was burdened by

allow

religious

it

to flourish.

doubts and

Sexton's lament "I love faith, but have none."

what was true of another poet

mitted that "the

had

I

claim on the conviction that this new-

would not destroy

also true of me.

ily

my

was another matter:

keenly that

staking

in a

knew. In a place with few dis-

"finding themselves" by renouncing commitments,

found

I

possible to go to monasteries for excitement,

taken on the burden of time.

make one work,

demons.

I

I

felt

thought

greatly admired, Louise Bogan,

was

She had a deep-seated appreciation for liturgy but adgift

of faith has been denied me." Like Bogan,

acknowledged religion

as a

human need

I

read-

having a great symbolic

resonance, and even beauty. As she once commented, "The Elysian fields are

underground and the Christian heaven

deep psychological reasons."

Still, I

is

overhead for two

was bewildered by

tend church and reclaim the faith of my ancestors as After that initial visit to the abbey, which

I

my desire to at-

my own.

made not out of a burn-

ing spiritual desire but to hear a talk by the writer Carol Bly, a

monk I had

met, unloading on

gion that were troubling me.

and with

Hans

a

book from

Kiing.

him

the monastery library, I

opened

53

wrote to

a host of questions about

He responded

My heart sank when

I

it

with a thoughtful

On Being a and

reli-

letter,

Christian,

tried to read.

It

by

was

KATHLEEN NORRIS work of

a massive, abstract

theology. Sighing,

the mailer, and noticed that the

I

put

monk had written on

it

back into

the envelope, in

a neat calligraphic hand, something to the effect of: "If this doesn't

work, try Flannery O'Connor's

letters." It

O'Connor was exactly what I needed, both Christian

faith

"most people come else there

Church

misunderstanding

A

woman whose vocation was to

and writing. I was heartened by her assertion

to the

Church by means the Church does not

would be no need

tion of the

a

was an inspired suggestion:

is

their getting to her at

entirely set

among

up

for the sinner,

all.

.

which

.

.

that

allow,

The opera-

creates

much

the smug."

devout Catholic, O'Connor could be stern about theological

matters but charitable about the peccadilloes of others. In a letter written at Yaddo, a literary retreat, she says of an alcohol-sodden party: "I left

before they began to break things." She also noted, that "at such a

place

you have

to expect

Experience." I'd had

and in

in

one

them

if I

one man,

it

Dakota home would be good unclear to

me

exactly

with the poetic muse.

for

had

me, for

and

had produced

itself

sin,

but

Bennington settling

and

us,

for

religion

our writing. fit

into

all

It

of

was

this,

One who had known both Anne Sexton and

can bring had eluded them. desire for faith

at

not

me about the dangers of mixing religious

letters, journals,

their religious quest

is

remained to be seen whether our South

John Berryman was particularly concerned. As reading poems,

This

had moved on, improbably, by

where the Christian

and some friends cautioned faith

around

more than enough "Experience"

New York City, and place, with

to sleep

I

I

studied these writers,

interviews,

brilliant

I

sensed that while

work, the peace that

faith

noted with fear and foreboding that their

become

high of the manic-depressive

destructive, fueling the delusional

cycle.

54

The poet Maxine Kumin,

a friend

"

ACEDIA of Sextons, writes that "an

sympathetic

elderly,

encountered

priests [Sexton]

ME

&

priest,

—accosted might be

one of many

a better

word

—

said

a saving thing." Sexton herself wrote of the encounter, recalling that after the priest

your

altar.' I

poems

had read her poems he

said,

can't

'I

told her, " 'Your typewriter

go to church.

are your prayers.' ...

As he

left

I

can't pray.'

me he said

.

.

.

He

is

said, 'Your

'Come on back to

the typewriter.'

The

priest's

least a year

good counsel, Kumin

notes, did keep Sexton "alive at

beyond her time." But the writing that sustained Sexton was

also feeding her mania. In the

poem that

concludes her

last

book, The

Awful Rowing Toward God, Sexton writes of playing poker with God in a crooked game. She finds the situation comical,

the poet joins

in, saying, "I

.

.

.

love

you so

untamable, eternal, gut-driven ha-ha

I

for

and

as

God laughs,

your wild card,

/

that

and lucky love." In the end, the

God whom Sexton found in her verse was not one who could save, and she killed herself soon after reading galleys for the book.

Much of John One

Berryman's work also was written in a kind of fury.

friend of his told

the poet, after he had her,

me

of going to a Manhattan hotel to check on

phoned

to say

he was in town and wanted to see

but had then not contacted her again. Finding him exhausted and

raving from drink and lack of sleep, she called an ambulance. She also carefully gathered

masterpiece, The

the room. Like

up manuscript pages

Dream

Anne

Christianity. His last

Songs,

for

what would become

his

which Berryman had scattered about

Sexton, he was

book of poems,

drawn

Delusions,

to

both Judaism and

etc.,

was inspired by the

psalms and the prayers of the canonical hours. The poems that conclude the book, most of them prayers, fluctuate wildly between ecstasy

and

despair.

"The Facts and

Issues"

opens by saying of Christ, "I

55

really

KATHLEEN NORRIS believe

/

He's here

to be here

his blessings,

/

/

&

even in their suffering infinitely kind."

could scream! it.

I

human

/

/ It's

who

of particular, long-after,

this filthy fact

had

so

/

reaffirms the confident opening lines, concluding with an

moribund

I've

hotel in Wallace

Berryman describes himself as

expression of faith in Christ as redeemer,

make

motor

in a

been here, with such lovely ones

to have

me

but to

infinitely better,

The poem

and

/

room

over this

Counting

Stevens' town."

"happy

all

suffered

can't wait." In

I

can't

late

am /

so

happy

Let this be

I

it.

autobiographical work, the

novel Recovery, Berryman's protagonist Severance Prayer, only to be

/ I

BEAR ANY MORE.

another

"to

far-away, five-foot-ten

/

being happy. Well, he has!

enough!

and died

overcome by anguish:

"

tries to say

the Lord's

'Kingdom'; not the hid

treasure or the pearl of great price but the lucky find! the risking all\

to have one thing

—Christ

to Martha, his gentle

proof defending Mary. Wise Mary, the better

part.

and inexorable It:

sobriety,

re-

and a

decent end." Sadly, self;

John Berryman could not find that "decent end" for him-

he committed suicide

Delusions,

seemed

etc.,

after

his friend Saul

that he

had used up

love versus nihilism

by

his

mind,

very skin. At

last

relapse. In a

Bellow wrote that "at all

his wit.

there

last it

must have

his art

his struggles

and

his

had been supplied by his own per-

He drew it out of his vital

organs, out of his

was no more. Reinforcements

Forces were not joined."

foreword to

his resources. Faith against despair,

had been the themes of

poems. What he needed for son,

an alcoholic

The deck was stacked

failed to arrive.

against Berryman,

Sexton, and Plath, and not only because of tragic personal circumstances: the suicide, in

Berryman's childhood, of his father; Sexton's

manic depression; the deep-seated psychosis of Plath. Cultural

56

factors

ACEDIA

worked against them, notably the

also

artistic inspiration.

M. Bowra termed

than

God

as

ME idea, as explored

boredom, hopelessness, and despair

his essay, that

C.

&

They were

are essential for

contending with what the

also

in

critic

the "belief that the imagination was nothing less

human

operates in the

it

by Huxley

soul," a

dangerous proposition

indeed. In his survey of art history from the Byzantine era to the twentieth century, the theologian

John Cobb observes that what had previ-

ously been considered holy, part of a transcendent world with the

power

and order" had "moved

to "transform, redeem, unify

communal

tinuous process" from

being of

Church

artists themselves."

called the

inspiration. This

Holy is

Romantic poets had

in

to

assume

was no more, and no

more

a far

expressions of faith "into the inner

Many had come

Spirit

in a con-

that

less,

what the

than

artistic

insidious proposition than what the

mind, and for many artists,

it

has proved an in-

surmountable burden. Poets are both revered and ignored in American culture. For

people poetry

to find

its

you enjoy as

a small

by the time you're in high school, having labored

in vain

is

child but detest

many

that vaguely subversive stuff that

"hidden meanings." Yet cultural expectations of the poet

main high, as exemplified in

a passage

re-

from the biologist Lewis Thomas:

"We have a wilderness of mystery to make our way through in the centuries to

come, and we

significance

from

all

shall

need

where significance

sorts of brains

.

.

.

.

at

.

not science alone. For perceiving

hand, we shall need minds

at

work

mostly the brains ofpoets of course. Thepoets

on whose shoulders the future

some meanings

is

.

rests,

might, late nights

.

.

.

y

begin to see

that elude the rest of us" (emphasis mine). In an in-

creasingly secular age,

many people do trust writers rather than priests

with their confessions. But the ancient and

57

communal roles of shaman,

KATHLEEN NORRIS and

seer,

world. Even

they can

not an easy

storyteller are if

for writers in the

contemporary

they are praised for what they offer through their work,

feel isolated

and lacking recourse

to help.

many are

stymied by depression or addiction,

If writers are often

also

fit

wary of psychoanalysis, psychotropics, and twelve-step programs

as potentially detrimental to their art. Therapists find that ers use

some writ-

treatment as an excuse to procrastinate, while others fear that

the sessions will drain

them of material they should be using

in their

work. Medications such as Prozac have been rejected outright by some writers, because, as

one counselor puts

it,

the drugs tend to "eliminate

their desire to write together with their regret over

not doing

so."

Storytelling itself can be a redemptive act for the writer. In a se-

quence in Love

& Fame, in poems with such titles as "The Hell Poem"

and "Purgatory," John Berryman writes of seeking salvation chiatric ward,

and finding

it

as

he

listens to other patients,

in a psy-

many

of

whom are in even greater distress than he is. He applied his poetic genius in witnessing to their stories, and in "Death Ballad" addresses two alcoholic teenagers

"Only, Jo

some

who have attempted suicide. The poem concludes:

& Tyson, Tyson & Jo, / take up, outside your blocked selves,

small thing

/

that

is

moving

/

& wants

needs, therefore, Tyson, Jo, your loving." As faith

1

/

&

Corinthians 13 puts

it,

to keep

on moving

may fail, but love does not. Berryman's extravagant love

erature, for wit, for his students

—was

extolled

many friends. But he was haunted by the made

—

for

lit-

and admired by

his

struggle to love

life itself.

a poignant request of his wife, Eileen Simpson, after they

separated.

One

brief, chilling

fear that he, like his father,

He

had

phrase captured not only his persistent

would be

58

a suicide, but also his

hope

that

ACEDIA God would if

ME

&

him anyway. He reminded Simpson, "I would

receive

like

possible to be buried in consecrated ground."

Night and Day

I

used to

me." away.

friends in

tell

Now

that

I

New York, "If

had done

it,

The enforced intimacy

town meant best friend

that

It

my husband

and

I

poet, please shoot

enjoyed in our small

other's reader

became

tion that Huxley's "Accidie"

marry a

ever

those friends were thousands of miles

we had to be each

and confidant.

I

clear to

had raised

for

and

critic, as

well as

me that the ultimate ques-

me was

not "Can a poet

have faith?" but "Can a poet be well?" Let alone two poets, together?

The evidence suggested Gerard de Nerval

may

that poets

had not been well

Rue de

muse had

letter: "I

failed

la Vieille

later

killed himself because

Charles Baudelaire wrote in a

have fallen into an alarming debility and despair. illness

a

la

Gerard,

being unable to think any more, or to write a

can also prove dangerous to a poet. of

my generation, Anne

.

.

have

felt

fear of

Writing too

much

Two poets idolized by many young

Sexton and Sylvia Plath, had, shortly

posthumously published Winter .

I

namely the

line."

before their suicides, churned out four to six

"a gray wall

a

Lanterne. His literary contemporaries

him. Six years

myself attacked by a kind of

women

time.

when he hanged himself from

were haunted by the thought that the poet had his

some

have brightened his Paris neighborhood by

walking a lobster on a leash, but not railing in the

for

Trees,

book

59

a day. In the

Plath described her brain as

clawed and bloody," and asked,

the mind?" Sexton wrote her last

poems

"Is there

no way out of

in less than three weeks, with,

KATHLEEN NORRIS she noted, only "three days out. tal

hospital

.

.

.

One for exhaustion and two for a men-

Writing in seizure, practically not stopping."

What Plath and Sexton demonstrate is not that writers must nobly endure self-destructive compulsions, but that no such a high

level

of creative intensity.

When one

artist

can maintain

has been writing in

the heights of what Sexton termed "a fugitive frenzy," one needs a to

come down

safely.

Taking a walk

may work,

but other means can

be more tempting: tranquilizers, marijuana, and above

Drunkenness may be,

in Bertrand Russell's

all,

booze.

memorable phrase, a "tem-

porary suicide," but alcohol can also be, William Styron reminds "magical conduit to fantasy nation."

.

.

.

and

to the

Sexton in her

last

By

poets: that

is,

my husband

and

lives so that

in with his

widowed

Bronx printing

I

that "it

of publication wore

ends writing, no matter

dead on the page.

More experienced

off,

for a I

was

practicing to write.

an epiphany in

go back to writing poems. He

New York, taken

and was putting together

was more

postcollege job in arts administration.

young writers' competition

after

father in Hartsdale,

factory,

script of verse in his free time.

we were

we had time

an advertising executive

as

hotel: Either kill yourself, or

had moved

ria

me

probably true of John

is

met, in 1973,

I

we had arranged our

David had quit a job

a job in a

A clergy-

as well.

the time

an Atlanta

price.

days once said to

wasn't poetry that killed her, but alcohol." This

Berryman

us, a

enhancement of the imagi-

Going up, coming down, and paying a steep

woman who knew

way

Two

sheltered,

years before,

book of poems, but at a loss.

still

Although

I

a

in

my

first

had won

after the

I still

manu-

a

eupho-

spent week-

how much I worked on them, my poems were

I felt

as if the creative spirit

writers assured

had abandoned me.

me that this was

60

a

common

occur-

ACEDIA and not

rence,

sending ished,

it

with

first

to a publisher can

books. Completing a manuscript and

engender great anxiety: The book

and there may not be another. The book is

The dour Romanian philosopher

as well?

when he

described a

David and were

just

ME

&

I

book

literary tradition

He was

than

am I finished hit the

mark

suicide."

more conversant with

far

at eleven,

I;

Tennyson and the Brownings. disciplined his

postponed

M. Cioran

fin-

quickly discovered that our writing styles and habits

night and day.

like

as "a

E.

finished,

is

An

the English

he had become enamored of

education in Greek and Latin had

memory, and he knew an alarming number of poems

by heart. He once stunned a

college audience

by reciting Gerard Manley

Hopkins's lengthy "The Wreck of the Deutschland" from memory, and

he often delighted student writers with enthusiastic renderings of "Jabberwocky" in English, French, and German. David preferred to write in blank verse,

was

a free- verse

bum

ing poetry for the verse, fort.

but

this

unrhymed but metered and sensation junkie;

way

it

made me

was due more

feel. I

lines.

I,

by comparison,

loved reading and writ-

I

sometimes wrote in

to musical training than to deliberate ef-

David said that I had "an ear for English," and added, only half jok-

ing, that

he never could have married anyone

Friends often asked us

who

did not.

how two poets could live and work together

without getting in each other's way. David worked best flourished in the early-morning hours.

took place ing up. a

syllabic

at four a.m.,

when he was on

Our his

late at night;

I

best conversations often

way to bed and I was wak-

He had always been a night person, and if I had to rouse him for

morning appointment he required at least two hours before he was fit

to leave the house.

enough

to

He

wake him.

I

said that he'd never

found an alarm clock loud

seldom needed an alarm, and would

61

rise full

of

KATHLEEN NORRIS energy and ready for the day. David's grandparents had been born Ireland;

in

mine were of English descent, born in the United States. He had

rum runners and freedom fighters in his background; my ancestors are more likely to have been chaplains and pastors. David would say that for all

our cultural differences, we had a

from the Danish raiders

and

said,

and "Norris" from "Norse," those

from the north.

We did feel a bit like pirates after

he

for "pirate,"

pillagers

common origin. "Dwyer" derived

our move to South Dakota,

as if

we had

gotten away with something.

We had an inexpensive place to live in and my grandfather's enormous V8 Oldsmobile to drive. Above all, by living off savings, part-time jobs, and the occasional

grant,

we were

free to focus

on writing.

David completed the poetry manuscript he'd been working on

when we met, and

in 1976

it

won

the Juniper Prize of the University

of Massachusetts Press and was published as Ariana Olisvos: Her Last

Works and Days. Ariana was an old for years, based

had been

on

a stockbroker.

her wing, teaching a bottle of ited

from

his

woman David had been inventing

grandmothers and a beloved

who

He cherished the way she had taken him under

him such

useful

and worldly things

Champagne; he treasured the gold

her.

great- aunt,

as

how to open

cuff links he

David had fun with Ariana, giving her

his

had inher-

childhood ex-

perience of being taught classical Greek by his father. David had meant to

make Greek

scholarship, along with writing poetry, his

Although a nervous breakdown out of college, a few years

gram

in classical

Greek

he never completed, that

as

was misdiagnosed

later

at age

nineteen had forced

life's

work.

him to drop

he was accepted into the graduate pro-

at the University

he became

ill

of Chicago. His thesis (which

with a painful intestinal disease

for well over a year)

language of Sappho.

62

was on Lesbian Aeolic, the

ACEDIA

ME

&

David poured much of himself into Ariana. He gave her Victorian childhood, in which

some of

his literary heroes

a

—the

Brownings, Swinburne, and Andrew Lang, editor of The Blue Fairy

Book

—made cameo appearances. And by having Ariana die of

David could write about tasized breast cancer

his

eclipsed fancy.

by

his

morphine

last visit to

—

in his twenties.

a side of himself that

He made Ariana was sometimes

accommodating nature and conversational

David learned

give her

own mother's lingering death from metas-

when he was

tough-minded and brave

to

cancer,

flights

of

change his mother's mastectomy dressings and

injections so that he could

accompany her on one

her beloved Adirondacks.

In his author biography for the book, David said of himself that

he "lives

in

Lemmon, South Dakota, where he works as a farmhand and

a bartender."

He found both jobs inspiring. He wrote a poem in which

the French poet Stephane Mallarme pays a visit to the Ranger Bar and tosses dice with the locals,

tor at

and another based on the sounds an old trac-

and baler made struggling up a

Ground

In the

poem "Love and Poetry

Zero," he envisioned nuclear missiles in silos

Plains (the nearest such silo fairy-tale

hill.

monsters

passersby. After

I

who

wrote a

was some

sixty miles

from

on the Great

us) as sleepless

speak in deceptively inviting tones to

poem about the plains at night, "The Middle

of the World," he wrote one called "The Middle of Nowhere," about peeing by the side of a gravel road in the presence of the Northern Lights, "these swells of stripped

/

hydrogen atoms and disaffected

quarks that splash our electromagnetic County,

/

/

/

outer reefs, above Sioux

North Dakota." Typically, David employed his poetry as a ve-

hicle to bring together his interests in

ural beauty: "I shiver

and pee

mathematics, science, and nat-

in the black

63

/

ditch,

wave functions

/

KATHLEEN NORRIS collapsing

home;

/

not

countable,

me

around

/

far

like

waves.

/ I

know where

from our glamourous,

unaccountable

ex-

/

am: not

I

far

from

travagant star; lost in un-

light."

David and I had moved into a house that

my grandparents had oc-

cupied for more than sixty years. Nearly everything we used was

theirs:

furniture, bedding, kitchen utensils, even the SweetHeart soap

membered from childhood summers. We pants, entrusted with the house

temporary occu-

felt like

and belongings

re-

I

until the true

owners

should appear. After wearing an old canvas jacket of my grandfather's,

David addressed the subject of the ghosts

in the

Kathleen, with a Rabbit": "I cannot say that talking about, less just

/

as

soon

live

It

was

what

their talky old

with those voices, though,

"talky old house"

writing.

/ still

was

full

I

house in the

know

house has

till / 1

their land in

mind.

is

I'd

can hear them." The

also the inspiration for the

of family presence;

/ all

poem "To

new poems

my grandfather's

I

was

buffalo robe

and my father's Navy greatcoat in the closet, my mother's small wooden playhouse in the basement, along with a doll in a wicker carriage. In the prehistoric seabed of western South Dakota,

64

I

was no longer

at sea.

Up and Down

v.

Crisis

David and

I

supported each other through the minor ups and downs

of the writing

cycle.

When one of us was working on new poems, the

other would be revising older work, or not writing at a farming term, "downtime,"

which

for repairs or replacement parts.

refers to the

all.

We adopted

period spent waiting

David tended

to get

through his

downtime by taking up higher mathematics or computer science, playing with prime

mood

numbers or random

he might consult

his

Oxford

access codes. In a

texts

more

literary

of Hesiod or Homer. Once

you've troubled to learn classical Greek, he'd explain, you don't want to let

it

go.

meaning

I

would go

for a

walk or a swim,

to read, or try a bread recipe

start a

from an old

novel

farm corporation, or to our If

been

library book.

might turn to a piddling but necessary job, bookkeeping for ily's

I'd

I

my fam-

own monthly bill-paying.

we were both "up" and fully engaged in writing, we tried to make

room for each other. If we were both "down" and mildly depressed, we would gather our forces. As David cooked, we'd visit

mumble, "I used

to

be a writer," and he would

say,

in the kitchen. I'd

"Yeah, me, too," and

KATHLEEN NORRIS then we'd laugh

at ourselves.

For

us, this

was a workable way

we did not

loved his poetry, and he loved mine, and while

to live.

I

collaborate,

we each trusted the other as our first and most invaluable reader. When there was

no new work

to read,

we could encourage each

other not to

give up.

David seldom spoke of characterize

it

his earlier

mental breakdown, except to

as a classic reaction to a first, failed

that Freudian psychiatry

had saved him.

usefulness of traditional psychiatric

I

romance, and to say

harbored doubts about the

methods

for

me.

I

felt

that doctors

expected young women to be neurotic; thus, we could not In

one infamous study from the 1960s,

psychiatrists

scribe the qualities of a mentally healthy adult

healthy

—

adult

healthy

woman. The that

is,

results

demonstrated that

if

a

I

at

I

was from a middle-class

had never known anyone who was the

Bennington

I

had begun

if

analysis in childhood

their neuroses that they

that psychiatry could lege return,

client

and

in the

went

to col-

family, I

a mentally

of a psychiatrist, and

was unnerved to find that among many of my

having "a shrink" was the norm,

not an outright status symbol.

and now

as

I

peers,

Some

identified so closely with

seemed incapable of change. But

work wonders,

so.

woman was a sane

—she could not be

Also,

be

and those of a mentally

independent and assertive

woman.

to

were asked to de-

1960s psychotherapy was mostly for the wealthy. Before lege

fail

I

also learned

saw friends who had

no longer psychotic and suicidal,

after

left col-

spending months in

mental institutions. Before

I

met David, when

alone or with friends.

An

typewriter and chilly walks

I

was

off-season

feeling low,

weekend

in

I

sought quiet time

Montauk with my

on the beach, or physical labor in my friend

66

ACEDIA

ME

&

and mentor Betty Kray's Rhode Island garden. At the tumultuous end of a love

and found her helpful. But

affair,

that

I

saw a Jungian analyst

prescribed, David

and

five

hundred miles away. As

more advanced and

opted not to use them.

I

for a while,

ended with the move to South Dakota,

where the nearest Jungian was more than psychotropic drugs became

Betty's behest, after

also

more commonly

We

believed that our

ups and downs were part of the creative process, and we didn't want to risk being flattened emotionally,

which could stunt our work.

weren't exactly well by the world's standards,

made our adjustments

to the

we were

demands of both

If

we

coping, having

the poetic

muse and

our marriage.

Problems surfaced alcohol as a

as

we approached forty.

David's habitual use of

means of inspiration caught up with him. I tended to avoid

mixing alcohol and writing, for even one or two drinks made But for years, David had been able to drink everyone

sleepy.

the table without suffering noticeable effects.

He would

half the night working, writing either lyric poetry or

grams.

When

else

under

then stay up

computer pro-

he began to suffer from drunkenness, he found

it

pleasant, but he panicked at the thought of having to give

—he

drinking

felt

he would then lose his

creativity.

me

un-

up

He said that William

Styron's experience of alcohol, so vividly rendered in Darkness Visible,

mirrored his own. Styron speaks of relying on alcohol "as a means to let

my mind

access to." intellect" also, I

I

He

conceive visions that the unaltered, sober brain has no

regarded alcohol as "an invaluable senior partner of

and "a friend whose ministrations

I

my

—sought

sought daily

now see, as a means to calm the anxiety and incipient dread that

had hidden away."

67

KATHLEEN NORRIS David had not hidden from college education interrupted

grave

illness; his

me the formative details of his life: his

held bottled up for years.

mental breakdown, then by

much that

It

was

his beloved mentor,

he had

—a depth of dread and anguish he'd

all

many triggers: The approach

in Syracuse,

a

mother's early death. But there was

kept from me, and from himself

were

by

first

about to come rushing out. There

of middle age. The sudden death of

William Forrest, a professor

at

Le

Moyne

College

New York. This was also the year that my friend Betty Kray

was dying of ovarian cancer. She worried that I was spending too much time with her, in Rhode Island and

David might be thought that write.

With

abandoned. As usual, she was

feeling

my husband

a grant

New York City, and warned me that right.

I

had

appreciated having the extra time alone to

from the National Endowment

for the Arts,

he had

been working on a second book of poems, which had recently been cepted for publication.

I

had no idea how bad

all

this

ac-

good news would

turn out to be. I

was well aware that

settling to David.

We

my rekindled need for religion had been un-

talked about

it

openly,

began attending the Presbyterian church near

and

frequently.

freedom. But, said the former

I

my grandparents' house,

David had been bemused yet accepting. He believed in religious

When

Roman

strongly,

he

said,

Catholic altar boy

who hadn't been to Mass in years, only partly teasing, "Of course, that's not a

real church."

in town,

and

mother

to

David enjoyed serving

several

young

became our children,

friends.

fine

meals to the ministers

One pastor's wife, a full-time

had a degree

in

mathematics from

Cambridge, where she had met her husband. She and David enjoyed conversing about higher mathematics, an interest her husband also

68

ACEDIA shared.

It

was amusing

to

ME

&

watch him with David, engrossed in an

cane bit of computer science in a grocery store parishioners approached, the reverend

mode, and plain

toral

ever, I

a

When

regular visits to the Benedictine abbey nearest our

he grew anxious and

to go

his

suddenly into pas-

fine with David.

fearful.

I

did

all I

I

began

to

home, how-

could to convince him that

did not intend to convert to Catholicism,

him

shift

one of

English.

The Protestant Kathleen was

make

would

aisle. If

ar-

let

alone put pressure on

back to the Church. Over dinner in the refectory one night,

monk told

him,

your back." But

I

mother had been

plainly, "You've got to get that Catholic

failed to recognize the

in

monkey

off

depths of David's despair. His

many ways a conventional pre-Vatican II Catholic,

who

took her children to have their throats blessed every year on the

feast

of Saint Blaise and

made regular pilgrimages to Mother Cabrini's

tomb in the Bronx. Yet at a time when young Catholic women were expected to attend Catholic educational institutions and enter teaching or nursing, David's mother went to Barnard and earned a Ph.D. in chemistry.

David and

his

mother had been exceptionally

lighted in her son's intellect.

very small,

He used

to say that

when he asked her a question

window, or why the sky was blue

close,

and she de-

from the time he was

—how ammonia cleaned

—she would explain

the

in great detail.

But when he was an adolescent, Mother Church came between them: he wondered

how a scientist could believe in Christian dogma, and his

mother grieved over

his loss of faith.

to please her, building

For years he attended Mass only

up a store of resentment that he couldn't express,

and she died before the

rift

could be healed. David carried a hidden

69

KATHLEEN NORRIS wound, one

that he thought

had not begun

to deal with

You put

it.

what

tingly blundering into

had mended over time. But

And I was

for

in truth, he

Pollyanna Protestant, unwit-

David was

hostile territory.

together: turning forty, the death of a mentor, a

it

David could not

est literary success that

fully enjoy, as

mod-

he was crippled

convinced him he didn't deserve any good thing.

by a

guilt that

now

his wife, like his mother,

was being drawn

And

to a Catholicism he

could not fathom or accept, going to a place where he could not low.

While

David

I

apart,

I

up

his staying

behavior.

did not understand

knew all

that

He would stay up

ing incoherent,

if

a neighbor, stopped

bed himself.

asked

to

becom-

that

him whether

David

I

for erratic

trailing

The

officer told

him and,

if

David he could

necessary,

would put

A small blessing in a small town.

David could

whelming sorrow

was used

was drunk. But he wasn't, and being

crime.

itself a

home, but he would be

When

I

not from alcohol, from a lack of sleep. Once when

exhausted was not in

to

wrong.

now he exhibited new and disturbing

driving, expecting to find that he

him

terribly

for thirty-six or forty-eight hours,

was out of town, a policeman,

drive

of the forces that were tearing

all

something was

night to write;

fol-

talk

was

about his condition, he spoke of an over-

all

the worse because he could not weep.

I

he'd consider getting treatment, as therapy had

helped him twenty years before. The nearest psychiatrists were in Bismarck, North Dakota

—

just four of

them,

I

believe

—and David

picked one from the yellow pages and called for an appointment.

Sometimes

I

would accompany him

friends; other times

to

Bismarck and shop or

he went alone, returning

saw some improvement, but

his condition

late at night.

still

I

visit

thought

worried me.

On

I

the

day he mailed his completed manuscript to his publisher, he seemed

70

ACEDIA deeply troubled.

he said no.

&

ME

When I asked if he could talk about what was wrong,

He told me he had an appointment with clients at a nearby

grain elevator; he

had

that he'd written.

We could talk when he came home.

When

computerized payroll program

to help install a

David didn't return that night,

I

phoned

local taverns

and

whether anyone had seen him. The next morning I called

friends, to ask

the secretary at the grain elevator,

who

told

me that the new program

was up and running, and they hadn't seen David

On rare oc-

for weeks.

casions David had gone off by himself for a day or two, but he always

kept in touch.

phone

all

The

that day.

ing to find

lie

he had told frightened me, and

The next day I went

to

our post

word from him. I was encouraged to

what was inside was

mailroom window and

clearly a suicide note.

told the clerk that

—what Emily Dickinson termed

Hope

battered but letter

still

me.

alive in

I

I

I

stayed by the

office box, expect-

see his handwriting

an envelope postmarked Bismarck. Good, I thought, Yet

I

his doctor

walked

needed to

is

if

there.

in a daze to the call

the police.

that "thing with feathers"

reasoned that

on

—was

David had mailed the

from Bismarck the day before, he must be

alive there today.

On that bleak winter morning, I was showered with kindness. The postmaster came out from his office to wait with chief arrived.

He

asked

if

but of course assented. ride.

me

until the police

he could photocopy the note.

He

I

felt

a

qualm

then asked whether he could offer

me

a

We drove to my pastor's house, and there, for the first time, as the

minister and his wife prayed for David and me,

I

cried.

But

I

soon

laughed to hear our small-town police chief phone the head of the

Bismarck Police Department and but

he's very intelligent.

trouble."

I

gave

all

And

say,

he's a

the information

71

I

"Now, Dave may look like

good

guy.

He

a

bum,

won't give you no

could about where David might

KATHLEEN NORRIS be,

and the names of hotels where we had

might

stayed, of bars he

fre-

quent, and of his psychiatrist.

My pastor

offered to drive

one of the monks would take other seventy- five miles.

dead or

alive. It

me

me

and from there

to the monastery,

the rest of the

way

to Bismarck, an-

We left town not knowing whether David was

was bitingly

cold, well

below

zero,

and

I

found

hard

it

not to think about him dying from exposure. The pastor listened as described David's condition over the past few months. "I

hope you

He seemed

realize that if

surprised

done everything

I

when

he has I

killed himself,

replied that

I

did

it's

know

He

then said,

not your that.

I

I

fault."

felt I

had

could do to get David to open up about what was

troubling him. Normally,

we could

talk things through.

But

if

he had

decided to commit suicide, that was the kind of insanity that shuts

everyone

else out.

During that drive

I

recalled the

ceremony

in

which

I

had become

a Benedictine oblate (an associate of a particular monastery). David

had brought

me flowers and wished me well, but had arrived late and

seated himself apart in the darkened church, out of the circle of light

around the

altar

and the choir

stalls,

where

I

During the Mass he looked stricken and alone; he'd been startled to see

how much the

sat

with the monks.

later

he told

me

oblation, an abbreviated

that

form

of monastic profession, resembled a wedding. But since then David had

become

close friends with several of the

came home from being with a

good mood.

I

monks. He loved

the Benedictines, because

didn't understand

why the

crisis

I

it

when

was always

I

in

had come now.

When we arrived at the abbey, one of the brothers came from behind his desk in the reception area and hugged me. "He's

72

alive,"

he

ACEDIA said.

The

police

ME

&

had found David and had taken him

to St. Alexius, a

Benedictine hospital.

Other monks entered, some in

was comforted by

their presence

their habits,

some

in blue jeans.

and quiet concern. Our

great friend

Father Robert West, the director of oblates and master of the wine lar,

came around with

a car.

He had

called

ahead to arrange for

stay with the Benedictine sisters in Bismarck.

hospital

emergency room, the police were

able help

still

When we

there.

I

cel-

me to

arrived at the

They'd had invalu-

from a motel housekeeper, who had found David's Browning

automatic pistol and drafts of the suicide notes he'd been writing. The police

had adjusted the door lock so that he could not shut himself in

the room, and then canvassed the neighborhood. a seedy bar, drinking gin later

and reading the newspaper. One of his

remarked that David could never have

trying to put off the inevitable,

in

friends

killed himself without first

checking out the day's comics and "Dear Abby."

told

They found him

was hoping

to

I

believe that he

be found.

was

A policeman

me, in a tone of mournful wonder, "Ma'am, he was so depressed."

There had been a murder-suicide the week before, a rare occurrence in Bismarck, and the police were glad to have prevented another death.

One of them asked to buy the pistol from me. The David I knew would have found

this highly

amusing, but

I

was not sure who

this

new

David was.

The doctor on duty explained tests to

help

ward or

was running

him determine whether to admit David to

to the hospital proper.

eating well,

that he

He had been

a

number of

the psychiatric

drinking heavily and not

and he was dangerously dehydrated. The doctor pointed to

a door: "He's in there."

I

entered the room, looked around, and almost

73

KATHLEEN NORRIS left.

There was only one patient in the room, hunched

and

it

wasn't David.

I

looked again, disbelieving.

It

in a wheelchair,

was

as if

David had

turned inside out, his familiar features so distorted by anguish that could not recognize him. Noticing the crucifix on one wall, the

man

me

before

barely speak,

looked

and when he

more

far

did,

crucified than that.

sighed;

David could

he shook his head and said only, "No.

me in the eye.

No."

He would

until

an aide came to wheel him to the psychiatric

not look

I

I

hand, and before he got into bed

I

stayed with him, saying

him

gave

I

unit.

I

little,

held David's

a gentle hug, but he

didn't respond.

That night,

I

looked out of my guest

room onto

the

snowy bluffs

of the Missouri River and was overcome by a sense of gratitude. grateful that

David was

alive,

and

in a safe,

warm

of a drug, he would be able to sleep. As the

began to seep into

my

bones, allowing

me

stillness

to

and

myself connected in unexpected ways to

felt

searched for

of the monastery

my

lost love.

I

its

I

raised.

And

story.

had taken him away from

house halfway across the country to the house where

had been

how

ex-

immersed myself in the poetry of the Song of Solomon,

I

I

was

With the help

acknowledge

hausted

was,

place.

I

yes, love

is

I,

too,

had

his mother's

my own mother

stronger, fiercer even, than death. If

had been emotionally drained by the events of the past few days, I was

no longer sifting,"

to

frightened.

and even

in

The word

vital

derives

from the Greek

jostle, sift,

would remain.

When

had seen him

I

and

sort things until only

found the

man

I

Although

I

knew him

had never witnessed the true extent of

I

as if for the first time.

74

what

loved in that

emergency room, well,

for "a

my distress I sensed that there might be a purpose

our present upheaval: to

was most

crisis

I

his pain.

ACEDIA Against

all

ME

&

my hope was certain: Now that he had truly broken,

reason,

he would be able to

heal.

Do You Want

Be Made Well?

to

When Jesus saw him

lying there

a long time, he said

to

and knew that he had been

him, "Do you want

to

be

made

there

well?"

—John

5:6

of shocks. The good news was that David's

The next days were

full

hospital psychiatrist

would be the same doctor who had been seeing

him

for the past six

months; the bad news was that

it

had

all

been a lie.

The doctor had never met David, and seemed mildly amused by the deception. After David a call

from the business

insurance.

ing the

ward

had been

I

office

called Blue Cross

premiums months

spiral

in the hospital for a

informing

me

that

few days

I

received

we had no medical

and learned that David had stopped pay-

He later admitted that

before.

in his

down-

he had been trying to mess things up so badly that they

couldn't be fixed

and

I

would

reject

him. Suicide would then be his

only option.

As disconcerted lies

as

I

was,

I

was convinced that now that David's

had been exposed, we could better confront the serious

issues be-

hind them. Losing our medical insurance, which once would have

seemed

a disaster,

proved to be the

David had been carrying so much

least

of

my worries. I

guilt, all alone.

The

grieved that

psychiatrist di-

agnosed him with "psychotic melancholia," and said something about

him

that

David

later

repeated to me, with a hint of pride: "You have

75

KATHLEEN NORRIS exceptionally well- defended neuroses." Friends

warned us

that this

doctor had a reputation for overmedicating his patients. However, for

David he prescribed only a sleeping

was the for

sole medication

many months I

doxy.

pill

to be taken as needed,

he received during

his stay in the hospital,

One physician I

in the face of current therapeutic ortho-

recently told this story to responded indignantly;

she called David's treatment "an absolute waste of time." But

David, exactly right. His healing would actions with others. His hospital

come

a

at

me

was tossed around

cially,

took to him, as

women had

cruel

and neglectful

fathers

his

all

I

in

knew that the worst was

patients. life.

They

The women, told

stories

—the only

He

him but

him

espe-

stories of

he never forgot.

place in the hospital

—and David asked me

where smoking was permitted

plied with cigarettes, not only for

He

group therapy; he thrived

and husbands,

There was a small glassed-in lounge

like himself.

inter-

for the first time in a week.

on more informal exchanges with other

look more

through

room and found the two of them sorting out

math problem. David smiled

disliked the jargon that

was, for

and homework, and David, a born

teacher, could not resist offering to help him.

entered their

largely

it

roommate was an adolescent with an

eating disorder, low self-esteem,

I

and

after.

am aware that this flies

over when

and that

to keep

also to share.

He

him supstarted to

asked for writing supplies and his copy of

John Donne's sermons. Depression has

many causes: genetic disposition and chemical im-

balance in the brain, as well as unwelcome change, notably loss in its

forms.

Can we agree that there are many treatments as well?

band thought himself incapable of prayer; Freudian psychiatry brought healing.

76

at the crisis points

all

My hus-

of his

One might say he had faith

life,

in

it.

ACEDIA

ME

&

For me, a measure of healing has come

less

from psychology than from

religion, specifically the ancient practices of prayer

Once, when

I

was

all

but paralyzed by despair, a wise physician pre-

scribed physical exercise Picture

me

and

and

pleting the paperwork,

monastery, and read

been

my

left

pencils, I

worked.

spiritual direction. It

Bismarck police

at the

few possessions David had a notepad, pens

and psalmody.

in that

and

a

station, waiting to pick

up the

motel room: a canvas briefcase,

copy of Tristram Shandy. After comwaiting for a ride to the

sat in the vestibule,

my psalter. Throughout this crisis, the psalms had

constant companions, calming

me and

helping

me

endure.

When a friend from New York phoned to offer emotional support, she asked,

"How about you? Are you

seeing a doctor?

Do you

have some-

thing to take for this?" "I

have the psalms,"

incredulous. "Yes,"

I

I

answered. "And they're enough?" she asked,

replied, not

knowing how to explain

embraced by the healing

been so

fully

women

of Bismarck, and by the psalms that

prayer, that I

needed

Yes, the

it

Cross, in

what would be a

at least until

futile

had

hospitality of the Benedictine

my wits about me, and needed to

our phone wasn't working. Then,

I

I

read with

them

in daily

me to ask for tranquilizers. I felt that

had not occurred to

psalms were enough,

myself.

as

I

feel

whatever

went back home

attempted to write a

I

I

was

to feel.

to find that

letter to

Blue

attempt to reinstate our medical in-

surance, the computer monitor quit. Everything was breaking down: first

my husband, then

terrible

comedy enraged me, but

ously, for the first

that

the phone, and

time in days.

If

it

now the damn

computer. The

me

to weep, copi-

also permitted

someone had handed me

a psalter at

moment, I would likely have thrown it across the room. Yet I went

back to the psalms

at

bedtime that night, and

77

in the

morning.

I

owed

KATHLEEN NORRIS so

much

faithfully, I

day

in,

day out.

commuted between Bismarck and Lemmon

and the

The

them, and to the monastic communities that pray them

to

sisters offered to

and

sisters

I

keep a room in their guest quarters for me.

celebrated Mardi Gras together and entered Lent.

David was slowly recovering. He could look talk

for several weeks,

me

and

in the eye again,

with me, and even laugh. After a week he was allowed to accom-

pany me on walks outside the hospital. He told posing a poem,

company

sign that he could see

about going home.

to dinner.

A

from

his

room, and he began

good

friend of ours, asked

night out sounded grand.

Champagne, and we

I

if I

would

as a hair rinse in the

as the clock struck midnight, a

life. I

could

as a chaplike to

go

splurged on a bottle of

—

planned to use the

I

—

morning

I

feel

stale

entered the monastery

misguided and tipsy Cinderella. But in

the wintry desert of western North Dakota, something ring to

to talk

talked until the staff kicked us out of the restau-

Clutching the unfinished bottle

Champagne

inspired by an insurance

Life,"

One day the monk who'd been subbing

lain in the hospital, a

rant.

"Provident

titled

me he had started com-

good was

stir-

the blossoming of hope.

Home After David sent

had spent three weeks on the psychiatric ward, the doctor

him home. He scheduled

group therapy

sessions,

a

number of follow-up

and made

it

clear that

we had abruptly

changed, of course, but the marriage

78

itself

and

David could request a

prescription for an antidepressant at any time. David

process of picking up where

office visits

and

left off.

I

began the

Much had

was reassuringly

familiar.

I

ACEDIA was on high

and had

alert

ME

&

to learn to let

David be alone again. He ad-

mitted that he was not yet certain that he wanted to

he was talking about his

them

in secret.

self- destructive

me when

I

at least

apart from a small stipend

from the family farm corporation, was the work

accompanied

but

urges rather than acting on

Our only source of income,

North Dakota Council on the Arts

live,

I

was doing

in public schools,

went to a small town

for the

and David now

for a

week or two,

sharing the funky motel rooms with paper bath-mats and uncertain

TV reception, eating the same cafe food. David the philosopher was intrigued, in didn't

one town,

come with

to find that the only thing

toast

was

toast. In

ice-cream stand. the countryside. I

It

I

another town

who owned

courtesy of a school principal

you could order that

we had

free

meals

a roadside hot-dog-and-

was spring, and David enjoyed afternoon walks

was always relieved to find him waiting

for

in

me when

returned after a day of teaching.

Our good

friend

Annie Wright, widow of the poet James Wright,

offered us invaluable advice during this time.

once been hospitalized

after a

We knew that

Jim had

breakdown and had come home

to heal.

One evening, years before, when we were having dinner at the Wrights', he had demonstrated his contribution to a therapy session in which patients

were asked to imitate an ordinary household object. Solemnly,

with hands raised over his head, slicing in

little

steps,

York.

barn

and

his feet crisscrossing

he "became" a pair of scissors. David had mentioned his

own breakdown talized,

air,

at college,

and

he had gone on retreat

He found

that the

—had helped

said that shortly before he at a Trappist

manual labor

for a while.

rent situation, she told us that

abbey in Genesee,

79

New

—shoveling manure from

When I phoned Annie we would

was hospi-

a

about our cur-

see progress, but

it

would be

KATHLEEN NORRIS maddening, a matter of

forward, one back. "You won't believe giving

two back, then three steps

six steps forward,

me a useful mantra

how

long

will take," she said,

it

for the next three years.

Regular sessions with the psychiatrist were helping David, but he

was

less certain

wanted some help

for

and coping with the

in-

of the value of group therapy.

myself; advocating for David in the hospital

had worn

I

me out. I needed to learn

surance mess and the medical

bills

how to

my sense of self. Years later, when

relax again

A

the film

and regain

Beautiful Mind,

recognized myself in the

I

I

saw

woman who,

when asked by a friend how she is doing, responds by talking about her husband's condition. that she doesn't

between. ing,

pressed to speak for herself, she admits

know whether

that

felt

I

When

she

is

a wife, a nurse, or

something

in

David and I would benefit from marriage counsel-

but he was too "talked out" and asked

me to wait. Once his group

therapy ended, some six months after his discharge from the hospital,

we were ready

work on

for intentional

the basics of listening to each

other.

What David

feared

when,

after several

months, the counselor said she thought we had be-

come much more attuned to

most was

a relapse,

and he was encouraged

to each other, so that if either of us started

go off track, the other would notice immediately. We sensed that our

marriage was more stable than ever before.

David eventually asked

was put on lift

It

that

a

his psychiatrist for

an antidepressant and

low dose of Prozac. While he did not have the intense up-

some

users report, he

felt

that

it

took the edge off his despair.

made him less afraid, and that was good enough. We were able to re-

sume our more or

less

normal

life,

and

if

progress was slow, at least

it

was progress. Routine events took on a renewed beauty. David enjoyed a passage

I

had found

in Louise Bogan's

80

memoirs,

in

which she writes

ACEDIA window of

of seeing, out the clothes

and of "wishing that

ME

&

woman

a psychiatric ward, a I,

too, could

.

hang out clothes

.

.

hanging in a

happy, normal way." When she walked with other patients at "the hour

when

children begin to scent supper," she observed an air of despon-

dency come over the group. The women "knew the hour It

was no hour

self in

Bogan

from the

be out, taking an aimless walk." David could see him-

to

as she discovered to her surprise, shortly after her release

unaccustomed sense of peace did not de-

hospital, that her

pend on "the whim of any or the weather. serenity

is

in their bones.

don't

I

or

fallible creature,

.

.

.

economic

security,

know where it comes from. Jung states that such

always a miracle

I

am

so glad that the therapists of

my

maturity and the saints of my childhood agree on one thing." After fourteen years together, David

more

openly.

things back,

He had been

and

I

one

in

anger within, while

I

let

in

and

I

were

raised in a family in

at last

speaking

which people held

which few topics were taboo. He buried his

mine out

in quick, short blasts.

pable of breaking dishes in frustration, but

and

I

I

was

fully ca-

never threw them at

An argument we

tried not to say hurtful things.

I

him

had, witnessed

by one of my sisters, became a family legend. Slamming a kitchen cupboard shut and sputtering with him, though

I

rage,

I

wanted to

knew that wasn't true. So

I

tell

David that I hated

shouted, "J dont like you very

much!" This broke us up, a laugh-until-you-cry gut-buster, and defused the tension. startled

My

sister

was not reassured, and a few days

my mother by reporting over the phone, "I

later

think they're get-

ting divorced."

When David could tell me to my face that he was hurt or angered by something nized

I

had done,

I

rejoiced, even as

I

fought back, or recog-

my need to apologize. When things were going well, 81

I

urged him

KATHLEEN NORRIS to resist the temptation to turn success into failure.

come of their own

create trouble," I'd say. "Troubles

he sometimes

as

Catholic," he

said, "Little

"You don't need accord." If

I

was,

Miss Protestant" to his "recovering

now found something worthwhile

my

in

faith. Eileen

Simpson, in her memoir of her marriage to John Berryman, Poets

many

Their Youth, wrote that while tagonistic to religion, it

I

believe,

should." If I missed church for two

Sundays or more, David would gently chide me:

I

in

of their friends were "openly an-

John was not. Although he was unable to

was very important to him that

You ought

to

good

"It's

for you.

to go."

considered

it

a miracle that

had attained some measure of re-

I

ligious faith just in time to face the crisis in David's health,

and

marriage. If I had ever thought that

for myself,

I

realized

"one I

was

it.

now

flesh,"

that

David and

and that salvation

helpless to save either

From God, from

cians, postmasters,

was seeking salvation

had become,

I

for

I

our

Gospel phrase,

in the

me was salvation for him as well. And

one of us.

Benedictine

in

We needed help, and plenty of

men and women, from pastors, physi-

and psychiatric nurses, from police

motel housekeeper. From the suffering Jesus on the

officers

cross,

and a

and the risen

one who embodies hope.

When Jesus asks the man, "Do you want to be made well?" he does not answer

directly, yes

him go down

to the pool

ing pool of Bethesda,

unnamed

or no.

He

when

explains that he has

the water

whose waters

in Scripture, the angel

Raphael, whose reach the pool

is

is

This

stirring.

are stirred

no one

by an

is

angel.

the heal-

Although

traditionally understood to be

name means "God's medicine." The man is too

on

his

own, and when he attempts

82

to help

it,

frail

to

others always get

ACEDIA ahead of him and block take your

ME

&

his way. Jesus listens,

mat and walk" (John

then

says,

"Stand up,

5:8).

Faith

What kind

"Stand up, take your mat and walk"?

a sick person, a depressed person, that

is

of answer

precisely

what

is

is

that?

To

not possible.

And don't try to say, as Jesus does, that it's my faith that makes me well. That's just plain discouraging ple have, that ticular

if I

take

it

my lack of faith keeps me

bludgeon from our theological

to

ill.

mean,

Surely

arsenal.

story, Jesus

does not impose any conditions.

whether he

is

gives

a believer, only

me hope

Dickinson,

that there

may

"believe,

is

as far too

many peo-

we can drop that par-

Note that

He does

in this healing

not ask the

whether he wants to be made a faith for those of us

and

disbelieve a

who,

man

well.

This

like

Miss

hundred times an Hour,

which keeps Believing nimble." My Christianity understands that while pain and distress have times, as

many causes, lack of faith is not one of them. At

when my husband and I were sent home from the psychiatric

ward, faith can be a matter of taking up one's mat and walking. Like faith, marriage

spending your

life

with

is

is

a mystery.

The person

known and

yet

you're

unknown,

remarkably intimate and necessarily other. The

committed

at the

to

same time

classic "seven-year itch"

may not be a case of familiarity breeding ennui and contempt, but the shock of having someone you thought you knew

seem

a stranger.

recommit

When

that happens,

all

too well suddenly

you are compelled

to the relationship or get the hell out.

to either

There are many such

times in a marriage. When the other person does something unforgiv-

83

KATHLEEN NORRIS able,

can you forgive?

When you do

something unforgivable, can you

accept forgiveness? At home, after David's three weeks in the hospital,

we were

like strangers,

together. Every step

bogeyman. it

If

unsure of each other and unsure of our future

was wobbly,

like a baby's step,

anyone had asked, "Do you have

and suicide was the

faith

enough

would have seemed the wrong question, one we were

for this?"

equipped

ill

to answer.

We shortchange ourselves by regarding religious faith as a matter of intellectual assent. This Christian view perience.

is

far

is

a

modern

it is,

as

as a

whole-body ex-

W. H. Auden described

difficult all one's

not "choose" his mother's lengthy testinal

aberration; the traditional

more holistic, regarding faith

Sometimes

"[choosing] what

is

days as

illness

if it

were

and death,

it,

a matter of

David did

easy."

his recurring in-

problems, or his disposition toward melancholy. But he was

Catholic enough to regard these troubles as no more, and no his share of

human

suffering.

To

his everlasting credit, this

more, and not less, compassionate.

he did choose, and what

I

less,

than

made him

Many years into our marriage, what

chose as well, was to stay together.

We took

our two steps forward, three steps back, then one forward and back. But

we kept on

walking. For us,

No This

may

we overuse

Our

was the only way.

Prescriptions Here

not have worked for you. But

ing prescriptions. that

it

I

am

desire for the latter

antibiotics to

is

telling stories,

not writ-

so strong in this country

our detriment, rendering once helpful

medications ineffective. We cause another kind of harm,

we assume

five

I

think,

when

that literature, particularly literature about depression,

84

is

ACEDIA necessarily prescriptive.

I

ME

&

once wrote an

article

about dragging myself

to church out of a sense of family obligation, only to find myself con-

fronted with the

what

I

was

hymn "There

feeling,

and normally

pietistic, insufficiently

But acedia had allowed

me to

lately

"This

is

"I

would have scorned

made my world

me

verses as

its

& me."

the

obscenely small, and the

time in days. Singing

first

have the strength to take

a day to begin." After the piece

ter chastising

it all

up

was published,

it

was a glad

again," I

hymn

I

wrote.

received a

for trivializing the serious illness of depression,

for suggesting that people can I

I

concerned with anything except "Jesus

feel alive for

response to grace.

My Soul Today." Hardly

Sunshine in

Is

had described one of those

snap out of it.

had done no such

I

let-

and

thing.

common but precious awakenings of the

heart that point to something greater than the self and give us hope.

stand by

I

it.

A coalescence of music, Scripture, and other people in a worshipping congregation had brought

me to my senses. had been I

in a drought- stricken land, like the famished prodigal,

pigs their husks child

who

and

slop,

has a home.

I

"Come, Thou Fount of Every "prone to wander from the

Blessing,"

God

love."

I

bled and exalted by the reception itself

seems

to

I

temperament makes if I

have forgotten

me

who

I

receive

when I make my move:

the

open up and accept me.

ture of depression, but

However

But

a beloved

me remember. I am both hum-

Losing one's way and then finding

night, of the

my

is

words of a great hymn,

that, in the

am, getting back on the road may help

world

who, envying the

suddenly remembers that he

know

dwelling

it is

it

may mimic

also part of the natural

the cyclical na-

rhythm of day and

waxing and waning moon, and of seeding and harvesting.

true

and even beautiful

this

85

turning of times and seasons

"

KATHLEEN NORRIS may

be,

I

tend to

resist

it

as a necessary aspect of the spiritual

Monastic writers have always emphasized that maintaining prayer

means being willing

to start over, after

one has acted

life.

a life of

in a sinful

or destructive way. Both pride and acedia will assert themselves, and

may appear that we are so barrass ourselves further

far

gone we may

by pretending

seems foolish to believe that the door another chance. preciate

its

I

may accept this

to

as well give

up and not em-

be anything but

is still

failures. It

open, that there

intellectually,

but

depths only through experience. Just

I

it

is

always

have come to ap-

when

I

seem

to have

my life in balance and imagine I can remain in this happy state forever, I

lose sight of the value of contemplation

without

it.

Soon enough, once

again,

I

and

am

and

try to live

picking myself

up out of

prayer,

the ashes.

The

early Christian

ness to be as

monks

God had made

staked their survival

on

their willing-

them, creatures of the day-to-day. They

regarded repetition as essential to their salvation, and valued persever-

ance in prayer and manual labor as the core of their spiritual discipline.

When acedia tempted them from these tasks, they were admonished to make

their

way back

as quickly as possible.

It is all

a matter of falling

down and standing up again, no matter how many times. Typically, the desert fathers provide a lives:

gnomic commentary on

"Abba Moses asked Abba Sylvanus, 'Can a

dation every day?'

foundation

at

The old man said, 'If he works

every moment.'

86

this aspect

man

lay a

of their

new foun-

hard, he can lay a

new

vi.

Me

Give

Word

a

To the Desert

By the fourth

and Christian

century, both pagan

terested in schools of thought than in

detachment from the world

as a

contemplation, and developed

and obsessions

lists

means of

living.

were

less in-

They pursued

freeing themselves for

of the characteristic temptations

that disrupted their spiritual practice.

philosophers tended to remain in in

ways of

ascetics

cities,

the

While the pagan

monks went

to the desert

an attempt to grow closer to Christ. Some monks lived together and

followed a

whom they celebrated a weekly eucharist.

with ples

common rule of life, and even hermits often had neighbors

who

lived with or near

Elders attracted disci-

them. Most of these

monks had no

writ-

ten rule; they tended their souls with the discipline of prayer, the

memorizing and term

reciting of Scripture,

manual labor, and what we now

spiritual direction.

A novice monk who doubted his vocation was encouraged to seek out an elder and ask for a word. The response given was often both practical

and profound.

When Abba Pambo

asked,

"What ought

do?" Abba Anthony replied, "Have no confidence in your

own

I

to

virtu-

KATHLEEN NORRIS ousness.

Do

not worry about a thing once

your tongue and your ations, the

belly."

it

has been done. Control

Addressed to individuals in

specific situ-

among

the monks.

remarks were passed down orally

Eventually they were compiled in written form.

found

sights

phers.

in these sayings are

The Roman

found

Many psychological in-

also in pre-Christian philoso-

Stoic Seneca, for example, wrote that to escape

taedium vitae (weariness with

life) "it is

your soul you need to change,

not the climate." This was a recurring theme for ularly because acedia

monks as well, partic-

mocked their good intentions by reminding them

of the comforts they had forsaken and urging them to abandon their

hard way of life.

One abba said, "If some temptation arises in the place

where you dwell leave

it

then,

in the desert,

no matter where you

tion waiting for you."

Amma

metaphor: "Just as the bird prevents

and

do not

you

Syncletica

so the

clerics

demons on

as external distractions

and they began

which were vital

.

.

For

if

you

same tempta-

typically

homey

nun

on

[grow] cold

place to another."

monks were

Christian

re-

was newly respectable, wealthy, and top-heavy

considered a fearful place, where only

creased,

first

and bishops residing in urban

to confront these

[and] the

when they go from one

jecting a church that

.

the eggs she was sitting

monk

In going to the Egyptian desert the

with

will find the

employed a

who abandons

them from hatching,

their faith dies,

go,

leave that place.

life-giving

their

palaces.

The

demons dared

own

turf, the

desert

live.

monks

was then

Attempting learned that

were diminished, interior distractions

in-

to study their thoughts as they arose, noting

and which

destructive. Evagrius speaks of the

importance of recognizing and distinguishing between the

ent types of bad thoughts, and warns that

88

we must

differ-

"take note of the

ACEDIA circumstances of their coming yield

.

.

.

more

readily

.

.

which are the more vexatious, which

.

and which

ME

&

[are] the

more

for this careful self-observation, Evagrius says,

words against them, that

tive

own

drive us out of our

The monks believed

state

were

that

The reason

we need

"effec-

words which correctly

to say, those

this before they

of mind."

that their

were the words of the

much

is

[demon] present. And we must do

characterize the

gle

is

resistant?"

Bible,

most effective weapons

and they committed

in this strug-

to

memory

as

Scripture as possible. This was a practical measure, as books

rare,

but

it

served also to equalize the educated

literate majority.

With powers of concentration

omable today, novice monks

set

monks and the il-

that are nearly unfath-

about to learn the psalms and the

Gospels by heart.

And that was just

gle against the

"bad thoughts," Evagrius compiled an extensive

AntirrheticuSy a

list

for starters.

To help monks strug-

of Scripture passages appropriate to

resist

each

temptation. Against the thought "that sets before our eyes the long duration

and the harshness of the years of our

life,"

for example, he sug-

gested this line from Psalm 103: "As for us, our days are like grass; flourish like the flower of the field." In the Dakotas, grasses often turn

ism.

brown by late summer,

this

is

we

where pasture

a hearty dose of real-

To acknowledge our mortality need not be depressing, if it encour-

ages us to enjoy the beauty of life while

it is still

fresh

and new.

For contemporary people with easy access to books, the Internet,

and

television, the

power of words

as experienced

by the monks

is al-

most beyond comprehension. But even now, repeated exposure Scripture can be a revelation. it

hurt to breathe,

I

was on

One day when

my way

89

to visit

to

the air was so frigid that

David

in the psychiatric

.

.

.

.

—

.

KATHLEEN NORRIS ward. As

I

words of a

cursed the cold and the icy pavement under

from the Sunday divine

canticle

and summer heat

Bless the Lord, winter cold Bless the Lord,

dews and

Bless the Lord, nights

Bless the Lord, light Bless the Lord, ice

sing praise to

snow

falling

and days

.

and cold

.

.

came

.

to

mind:

.

.

.

and darkness

Bless the Lord, frosts

office

my feet, these

.

.

.

and snows;

him and

highly exalt

him

forever.

(Daniel 3:45-50)

Unaccountably consoled, being aware of

how

prayed was having

its

it

I

was

grateful that without

had happened, the

desired effect.

my willing it, or

liturgy of the hours

ings

up, to erode

had

The words were now a part of me,

and when I most needed them, the rhythms of my walking had

them

I

stirred

my anxiety and self-pity, and remind me that bless-

may be found

in all things.

Thoughts and Words

I

can readily find myself in the descriptions of the bad thoughts

avarice, anger, vainglory, pride, stories.

And I am

and all the

—provided

rest

grateful to the Benedictine

in the desert

Mary Margaret Funk

for

her book Thoughts Matter, in which she looks at the tradition in light of contemporary monastic

guage for it is

us. If we resist the

to have

life,

and

translates

some of the

daunting term gluttony, we

still

earlier lan-

know what

"bad thoughts" about food in a society in which eating dis-

90

ACEDIA

ME

&

orders are a major health concern. Similarly,

greed seem a bit much,

we can admit that

if

the words avarice and

in a culture addicted to con-

sumption, where credit card debt seems epidemic, our "thoughts" about things cause

real trouble.

Funk employs extent.

"We

the traditional monastic terminology to

are not our thoughts," she writes.

some

"Thoughts come and

thoughts go. Unaccompanied thoughts pass quickly. Thoughts that are

thought about become passions."

desires. Desires that are

thought about become

While good thoughts have the potential

bad thoughts

to

become "bad passions or

are likely to

become

virtues,

habits of action."

The ancient monks would agree with Funk that taking measure of our thoughts and attempting to redirect them It is

is

of primary importance.

also a discipline available to anyone.

What thoughts failings,

I

I

that

is

most

find

it's

liberating about this practice of discerning

not a proficiency

test.

In confronting

don't have to feel guilty or helpless

have to try again.

I

when

victory over anger."

And

.

I

.

.

asking

God

human

nature"

world. But as created

ishly

I

am

can be assured that

evil

by nature.

when looking

at the

stand with the early

by God,

is

good.

We

my struggle acts

.

.

.

to derail

does not come

often use the phrase

in believing that

"It's

humanity,

When our bad thoughts lead us to act selfdistort that original goodness.

monastic endeavor has always been to keep

now

me that

mess people have made of the

monks

and without compassion, we

within, and

short and

night and day to grant

my own bad thoughts before they become sinful I

fall

can rely on old Abba Ammanos to remind

he "spent fourteen years

about because

I

my many

alive the

as in the fourth century this

with acedia.

91

image of

The

God

means contending

KATHLEEN NORRIS

Monks on Prozac Monasticism

is

both an ancient and a contemporary phenomenon.

The Benedictine Jeremy

Driscoll has

part in an ancient tradition, he

tury too," he writes. It

makes

me

is

commented

not living in the past. "This

"I travel in planes, see

think about

how

I

cell

is

my cen-

the movies, use a computer.

think." In today's world,

consider the spiritual significance of what granted: faxes,

that while he takes

many

monks must

people take for

phones, e-mail, "personal" computers. Benedictines

tend to be practical in working through this central conundrum of their lives, being at the

A sister working

five

or

cell

phone, but not a

who

sixty.

same time

are traveling

that they reserve

sister

may

fifteen

hundred years old and thirty-

may be

outside the monastery

whose ministry

sign out a

is

at

issued a

home. Monks or nuns

communal phone,

in the

one of the monastery's automobiles.

same way

A monk who is

teaching in a college or working on a doctoral dissertation will be

granted a laptop for individual use, while others must rely on an old

desktop in the community room. People

who

cling to a romantic

a loss

when confronted by

today.

They may disapprove when

image of monasticism are often

the reality of the monastic a

methods. ple

when

I

as

it is

lived

monastery establishes a website so

that people can e-mail prayer requests, or take offense offer nontraditional retreat

life

at

when Benedictines

programs with contemporary therapeutic

have noted with interest the hostile reactions of some peo-

they learn that monasteries customarily require psychological

assessments (such as the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, or

MMPI)

chiatrists

of those who wish to join, or that some Benedictines see psy-

and take drugs such as Prozac, Wellbutrin, or Zoloft. Both con-

92

ACEDIA servative Catholics and, oddly

phenomenon with an

ME

&

enough, secular cynics tend to regard

aggrieved

air.

The Catholics

of the collapse of their traditional religion, as

were one who lacks

faith.

this

find yet another sign

monk who needs Prozac

if a

The cynics see only hypocrisy: Why, these "holy

people" are not so holy after

all,

they're like the rest of us.

To which the

monastic choir responds with a glad and resounding "Amen!"

While a monastery cannot help ciety of which

it is

a part,

it is

reflecting to

also a place apart.

some

extent the so-

What may be the

tinguishing feature of these communities in a polarized America extent to which, to paraphrase Walt tudes.

is

the

Whitman, they contain multi-

Look beneath the surface uniformity of monastic habits, and you

will find

people struggling, and mostly succeeding, to

peace despite a wide range of opinions on religion, tics,

dis-

sexual identity, diet,

and

health.

Here

is

a

live

together in

spirituality, poli-

monk who has been in-

volved in interfaith dialogue with Buddhists or Jews for forty years, peeling potatoes with one

who

believes that anything other than

Roman Catholicism is of the devil. Here is a nun convinced that to vote for a

stand

Democrat

is

a sin, praying alongside another

how any Christian

Where mental depressed

who

can't under-

can vote Republican.

illness is

concerned, as recently as the mid-1960s a

monk or nun might be

told

by

a superior, as a psychiatrist

reported of one of his patients, "You are not a good [nun], because a

good [nun] can never be depressed." a Benedictine

who

spiritual failure,

still

but that attitude

munities with which a troubled

views mental

member

I

am most

to seek help.

is

It

would not surprise

illness as

some

me to

sort of

find

moral or

not the norm. The monastic com-

familiar

One

do not

of the

hesitate to

women David met in

Bismarck psychiatric ward was an elderly Benedictine,

93

encourage

who

told

the

him

KATHLEEN NORRIS that she checked herself in to bear. ter

whenever her depression became too much

When the prioress came to visit, she

sis-

happily engaged in needlepoint to pass the time.

Once,

at a conference

of Benedictines,

response to a presentation a tice

found David and the

sister

of discernment to treat mental

I

witnessed an impassioned

had given on using the ancient pracillness in

the present day. She defined

discernment clearly enough, as fostering "our

ability to

do the right deed

with the right intention or motivation." But her suggestion that monastics

had gone too

far in jettisoning this valuable part

of their heritage in

modern

therapies brought a heated reply.

The conversation

favor of after

her talk was riveting and revealing: while people

subject, as Benedictines they

were also careful to

This meant that the anger some people consider rejecting the advances energy, allowing for an

made

open and frank

therapy and healing?

What place do

felt

discussion.

and hardened responses: Are there

one another.

—how could she psychology? —became good

to explore questions that in another setting dictable

strongly on the

listen to

may have

in

felt

The group was

would have

triggered pre-

essential differences

religious faith

free

and the

between

discipline of

prayer have in helping people maintain their mental health? Belief in the efficacy of therapeutic

American culture ligion.

that for

methods

many psychology has

is

such a part of

replaced traditional re-

Some are tempted to regard religion itself as just another form of

therapy,

and an inadequate one at that. In The Noonday Demon, Andrew

Solomon discusses people whose religious faith and practice have helped them cope with

depression; but in an interview he expressed regret that

"only half of Americans with severe, incapacitating depression have ever tried to get aid

of any kind, even from a clergyman" (emphasis mine).

One of the saddest Christians

I

have ever met

94

is

an ordained minister, a

ACEDIA college chaplain,

ME

&

who was told that his school had no need of a chaplain

anymore, because

it

had a fully staffed counseling service. The school, like

many founded by Protestant denominations had

for years

been loosening

its

religious ties,

lege administrators did not surprise ter,

whose seminary

training

in the nineteenth century,

me.

I

and the stance of the

col-

was dismayed that the minis-

had included courses and internships

in

psychology and pastoral care, could think of nothing to say in rebuttal. I

wanted him

to shout

tant difference

students

from the rooftops that there might be an impor-

between a pastor and a psychotherapist, and that some

would

benefit

more from one than

The Devil It

was

at

I

the other.

Know

Bennington College, which has never considered hiring chap-

lains, that

I

And when I

allowed literature to take the place of religion in felt

the stirrings of a religious conversion in

was the literature of the psalms that drew me sayings of the desert fathers

found them sooner, their

in.

for they help

mean

I

also

me live

am a bad

my thirties, it

came to love the

and mothers, and regretted

that

with myself as

stubborn realism, their reassurance that

thoughts does not

I

person.

I

my

am

my life.

I

I

had not

am.

I

need

struggle with

bad

glad to apply to

my

own life the words of Abba Poemen, who when asked about who might benefit

from the words of Matthew 6:34, "Do not worry about tomor-

row," responded: "It

much

is

said for the

man who

is

tempted and has not

strength, so that he should not be worried, saying to himself,

'How long must

I

suffer this temptation?'

He

should rather say every

day to himself, 'Today.'" This literature also provides

me with the most useful definition of 95

KATHLEEN NORRIS prayer

have found.

I

breath." This

about

evil,

Abba Agathon

had great relevance

a monastery for

Holy Week,

monk

plained to a

It is,

that

he advised

I

for

me when, the

first

time

began having nightmares.

had come

I

said, "warfare to the last

went

I

to

When I com-

for peace, not disturbing

dreams

me to accept what was happening as a good sign.

"What

better place than a monastery," he said, "to face the devil's as-

sault?"

He

me

sent

to the desert tradition, to the

life

of Anthony the

Great and his observation that "without temptations, no-one can be saved,"

made

and

to this teaching of

also gives

life

"The virtue of

my troubles on

"word" to help

I

vert,

I

lack faith.

I

to

is

approach an abba or

also

something rec-

amma

asking for a

if I

am

especially susceptible to acedia,

it is

harbor within myself the virtue of zeal.

That comes neath

is

me cope with the assaults of acedia on my soul, I would

be reminded that

because

monk

me from guilt, from

myself because

and that of a fourth- century ascetic. But there

likely

a

me hope. There is, of course, a vast difference between my

ognizably similar. Were

as a relief.

It

helps explain the extremism that

lies

be-

my more or less sane facade. I am both an extrovert and an intro-

energized by other people, even crowds of people, but also content

to keep to myself for days

—Manhattan, any monastery—

home

on high or low:

very little. At

I

on end. The

diverse places in

which

the poles of my personality.

feel at

most

My energy levels are

can happily juggle any number of activities or do

my most sluggish, I experience a mild agoraphobia, which

makes it hard for me to meet outside obligations, even to shop

for bread

or a quart of milk. Over the years, physicians have verified that

and downs

I

the western Dakotas, the island of Oahu, and

reflect

set

Pastor:

manifest by temptations." This insight frees

thinking that I've brought It

Abba

are garden-variety, not clinical

96

my ups

manic depression, or

to use

:

ACEDIA the

more current phrase, bipolar disease. Over the years, I have learned

to live with the flow.

And that is part of the problem.

During periods of high energy, easily find the

when

often,

I

—whether

am low

can, but not fretting

work,

I

I

enjoy a sense of balance and can

time for prayer, work, exercise, socializing, and

activities that will steady I

ME

&

—

I

And

seek out

me: baking, reading, walking, and writing cannot. In both

if I

my

spiritual life

and

if

my

can often ride out the periods of drought that follow a drench-

ing rain of creativity and purpose. But as

I

grow older

comes more exhausting. One of my mantras

is

"Put a steadfast

I

always

both

in spirit, energy, or

rest.

spirit

within me."

pray it, but

I

this process be-

from Psalm 5 1

a plea

must admit that I don't

mean it. Would a more steadfast spirit deaden me somehow, or

dampen

the writer in

who I am;

this

is

me? This up-and-down, unsteadfast person

the devil

I

is

know.

When I was a child, I loved the Exodus stories that told of the people of Israel being led through the desert pillar

of

fire

by

night.

der nothing but

faith.

something

the

else,

I

felt

by a

pillar

of cloud by day, a

that such miracles were certain to engen-

But when

I

read those stories as an adult

power of that

old, familiar "devil

the people to doubt that they will find

I

I

found

know" to

enough food and

drive

water. All the

miracles are in the past; the people see only danger ahead. Fear sets

in,

along with a desire for the food they once had in Egypt. Their exhilaration at being liberated evaporates in the dry desert

cuse

air,

and they

ac-

God of bringing them there to let them die. Nostalgia glosses over

the cruel conditions under which they

had formerly

lived, until

they

actually begin to prefer slavery to freedom.

When God rains food down

on them,

—they

all

they can say

nize sustenance

is,

"What

is it?"

are unable to recog-

when it is right before them. As the nineteenth-century 97

KATHLEEN NORRIS Hasidic rabbi

Hanokh

they had learned to endure Let's call

it

"The

said,

real exile

Egypt was that

weakened by hunger,

Anyone could

thirst,

lose perspec-

and uncertainty. Yet

rious fact about illness, including depression, clarity.

Israel in

it."

sickness, a desert malady.

tive in that heat,

of

is

that

it

a cu-

can bring us to

We value the quality of attention that comes to us when we are

not well. In "I'm Not OK, You're Not OK," her review of The Noonday

Demon, Joyce Carol Oates observes

that "those afflicted with depres-

sion are often ambivalent about

no one

ical illness."

faiths

Her

assumption

latter

is

ambivalent about phys-

belies the fact that people of

many

have experienced ailments and incapacities as a gateway to spir-

itual insight.

that

as

it,

But her observation about depression

reflects the fact

many people are conflicted about a state in which the ploys they've

used to color things in their favor are stripped away, and they sense that they are witnessing the world as

would

like,

From

but

at least

it

Andrew Solomon

his extensive research,

He writes

The light may be harsher than we

forces us to see.

that depressed people have a ers.

it is.

reports evidence

more realistic view of the world than oth-

of one study that showed "depressed and nondepressed

people are equally good

at

answering abstract questions.

When asked,

however, about their control over an event, nondepressed people invariably believe themselves to have

and depressed people

give

an accurate assessment." In a

a video game, "depressed people sters

they had

killed,"

estimated their that,

kills

.

.

.

test

knew just how many

involving

little

mon-

while the nondepressed people consistently over-

by four

Solomon reminds us

teacher:

more control than they really have,

you needn't go

to six times the actual

amount. For

that "major depression

is

far

to the Sahara to avoid frostbite."

98

all

of

too stern a

ACEDIA Still,

we

find ways to love that old devil

I

depression

love

who I am

specting that which gave extent of

my

do not love experiencing itself. I

we know. And "love" is not

Solomon admits, "I love my de-

too strong a word. "Curiously enough," pression.

ME

&

in the

depression, but

I

love the

wake of it." He cannot help

him knowledge of "my own

my soul." Solomon's perception

acreage, the full

an ancient one; in the

is

re-

first

century the Stoic Seneca observed that people "love their vices with a

and hate them

sort of despair,

at the

same

time."

agreement with the desert fathers and mothers in the desert in order to

more

honestly.

happiness but

When

mired in torpor and

"Hope"

the

is

their

who made

demons and

he

is

is

until

an energetic devotion. When

.

.

cious discovery."

.

title

when

It is

again. All too often

their stand

assess themselves

I

of Solomon's

hell

is

not

am at my worst,

despair, simply recalling this can give last chapter,

to call a soul, a part of myself

one day

also in

echoing the existential monastic view that

poignantly, of valuing his depression because

would have

is

he asserts that "the opposite of depression

vitality,"

the opposite of acedia

combat

Solomon

came

to

pay

I

it

and

in

me hope. it

he writes,

unearthed "what

I

could never have imagined

me

a surprise visit.

It's

a pre-

also a costly one,

and the price is exacted again and

we

man

are like the

cleansed of evil spirits only to find that the

in the

Gospel story

is

demons who have been dis-

placed keep wandering, looking for a place to land. the house of his soul has once

who

When they see that

more been made neat and clean, they de-

scend on him and make his condition even worse than before.

How is it possible to maintain our sanity, let alone to foster hope? Acedia

is

a particularly savage enemy, because

a part of us. Evagrius writes that "the other

it is

not content with just

demons

are like the rising

or setting sun in that they are found in only a part of the soul.

99

The

KATHLEEN NORRIS noonday demon, however, and oppress the

spirit."

agree that hope

is

Evagrius, Cassian,

nurtured when we can

once attained, and regard

and anxious ery

is

state.

accustomed to embrace the entire soul

is

it

recall the

as real, at least as real as

But we must

doing something

and Andrew Solomon might

start small.

Often

peace of

mind we

our most troubled

my first act of recov-

menial as dusting a bookshelf or balancing

as

my checkbook. If I am tempted to devalue such humble activities, member desert,

that acedia descended

on Anthony

task,

done

from

set

amount

my pride

recoils

is

he was shown that

staunch persistence

for yourself in every

before you complete

it

he went to the

who has begun to recover from

an assault of the demon: "What heals acedia Decide upon a

it,

as

re-

in the right spirit, could free him. Likewise,

Evagrius gives sound advice to anyone

If

soon

but when he prayed to be delivered from

any physical

aside

as

I

work and do not turn

it."

from endeavors that seem

futile in the face

of

my world-weary despair, I have to remember that disdaining ordinary, mundane

chores that

come

to nothing can lead to

personal relationships as well.

when

they will grow old and infirm and then abandon "antirrheticus" for that thought

"Though

father

Under

"until death

day burn

I

and mother forsake me,

acedia's siege

that

might

do us part"?

itself out, I

I

discounting

Why honor my mother and my father,

My own

mean

my

ask:

/

me by dying?

comes from Psalm

27:

the Lord will receive me."

Why vow myself to

a spouse, if

it is

We all die anyway, and even our sun will one

destroying

life

as

we know

it

on

earth.

don't need to bother about loving, or living, here

Does

this

and now?

am better off asking: Why is it that acedia brings such thoughts to the

table just as

I

would

feast

on

life's

embracing love and commitment

bounty? Only then can as a source of strength

100

I

fight back,

and peace

in-

ACEDIA stead of despondency. for

Only then

ME

&

will

I

have defeated acedia. At

least

now.

Both ancient and modern writers speak of the profound serenity that can

come

"Depression

after a

at its

period of torment and

worst

is

the

trial.

most horrifying loneliness, and from

learned the value of intimacy."

The pain

is real,

found. For Evagrius, the struggle with acedia

not only to peace but also to written, acedia for Evagrius

then

its

absence

is

As Solomon puts

joy.

If,

is

but remedy

it I

may yet be

worthy because

as the scholar

it,

it

leads

Christoph Joest has

was the culmination of all the temptations,

the fulfillment of all virtues, which find their ultimate

expression in love. That

is

why the

struggle

is

worth our while.

Eden I

once told an Anglican nun that

acedia,

and she was

done with take

on

it

was planning

to write a

intrigued, because, as she said, not

since the sixth century.

acedia, you've taken

but was too

I

on the

book about

much had been

Then she cautioned, "When you

devil himself."

I

laughed uneasily,

of literary ambitions to dwell on what she meant.

full

improbable encounter with the monastic tradition had moved deep ways, and

I

wanted to find out more about how

ancient and foreign

I

felt

myself as fleeing

this

was.

me far more than distinctions,

South Dakota, in 1974,

1

did not see

New York City, as the early monks had fled Alexandria

or Constantinople. But like the monks, life

I

in

ready to plunge ahead.

When I moved to Lemmon,

urban

me

was that

way of life was helping me understand who

Correspondences have always interested

and

it

My

could adversely affect

I

learned that

my nostalgia for

my ability to appreciate my new home. 101

KATHLEEN NORRIS I

was dismayed

way of

distraction,

the time.

I

I

nevertheless

had imagined

need to

first

to find that in a tiny

foster

I

often

As

I

felt

closeness

in love,

I

mind

I

and

what the

early

In facing the

I

would

behind the

had not escaped the

I

life.

it

grateful for the oppor-

itself as a

monk

Constantly drawing on

pro-

I

remained prone

John Climacus termed "a slackness

vows

taken." But life

and

both mental and physical,

much thought. Time and

life

form of asceticism,

would require of me.

[and] a hostility to

crises,

am

intimacy that small-town

demands of my own vowed

quent medical without

.

left

I

of

could easily envision the dry prairie land

literary

what

.

much

forced by our isolation to develop might not have

to grasp

.

willingly

can provide,

city

did not yet comprehend marriage

to acedia, to

battle.

had

I

so readily in an urban setting, and

and was slow

of the

If

in the

my husband and I would make our own Eden. The

tunities for personal

vided.

little

be distracted

to

run from the demands of daily

which

we were

managed

more quiet within.

was newly

as a garden in

come

to

that offered very

a quiet place to write, but not that

comforting anonymity that a urge

town

time again,

I

I

I

did not see

my husband's

this:

fre-

shoved acedia aside

had

to

be in shape for

my capacity for zeal meant that I

could

ignore the tendency to acedia that remained dormant within me.

I

could put off giving the devil his due.

When I would tell physicians that my husband had enough medical

history for five or six people, they

his prescriptions

and

agree.

would look over the

David had been robust when

I

list

first

of

met

him, carrying two hundred twenty pounds on a six-foot frame. But

some

years into our marriage, an old pattern repeated

been nineteen when an acute psychological

crisis

itself.

He had

presaged a

life-

threatening physical one, and at twenty he required a six-hour opera-

102

ACEDIA tion to

remove

was admitted

and within

his badly

ME

&

for the three-week stay in the

a year

He was

inflamed gallbladder.

forty

Bismarck psychiatric ward,

he developed frightening symptoms

vomiting, malaria-like night shivering

—

when he

—

projectile

that thrust us into in a lengthy

search for a diagnosis. Eventually he required emergency surgery, which

had formed

revealed that stones

took a slew of biopsies us

later,

—

common

duct.

The surgeon

could have sworn you had cancer," he told

"I

sounding puzzled

in his

—and rearranged David's

intestines.

His

re-

covery entailed spending more than thirty days in the hospital, unable to eat anything

by mouth.

easier because

David was

charmed the

my

that?" As

as

soon

know

miles a day. dle,

I

life,"

the distance he was covering.

and tracked

I

was

janitors. "They're I

not appreciate

Soon he was doing

six

the books and magazines he could han-

by the number of medical equipment

down the hall

—

three, then two, then

one

—and

laughed together over the surgeon's remarking,

be."

to cut

you open

That was

landed in the emergency

initial

and

appliances hanging from each.

hope no one ever has

teaching a

all

his recovery

number of grim

supposed to

He

typically graceful in accepting his lot.

he commented, "why would

brought him

David and

it's

home front, my job made

he was able to walk, he measured the hallways so that

stands he had to push the

took care of the

nurses, orderlies, plant-waterers,

trying to save

he would

I

less

room of a

is

where

later,

David

again, because nothing

funny when, four years hospital in Vermont,

"I

where

I

was

summer writing workshop at Bennington College. After the

consultation, the doctor

recommended exploratory

surgery.

It

my birthday, and as David was being wheeled off he regretted not

having a present for me. "Just survive

this," I said, as I

doctor had explained to us that he had

103

little

idea of

kissed him.

The

what he would

KATHLEEN NORRIS find

— "cancer" was the unspoken word between us—or how long the

operation would take.

said that

I

gery waiting room. By then I

it

turned off the television and Later

I

understood, and would be in the sur-

I

was evening and no one sat for a

phoned David's brother and

sister,

and

went day

I

to a nearby diner,

treat.

decided that

An

see

cream would be

ice

it

in the waiting

I

had any reason

to expect."

also

if I

wanted

safer,

so

we

birth-

room. Several hours

much

better

What he had found was not

cancer

passed before the doctor appeared, saying, "That went

than

I

acquaintance

where a chocolate cone was a welcome

decided to finish

I

there.

my parents.

from the writing workshop came from a dinner party to go out for a drink.

was

while in blessed silence.

called several Benedictine friends to ask for prayers.

to

else

but adhesions from the previous surgery.

He

said that we'd

been

just

David was an hour or so from requiring a complete

in time, as

colostomy, and perhaps six hours from dying. True to form, he re-

bounded from pected.

I

this latest

adventure

much sooner than his doctors ex-

began to tease him about having not nine

After this

we enjoyed

healthy. In the

pneumonia.

fall

We

several years in

which David was reasonably

heard that the radiologist had asked, on seeing

David's X-rays, "Is this guy going to

make

it?"

But

ted to the hospital, he responded well to treatment.

books he wanted morning,

I

after

being admit-

When I left him set-

he was reading a novel and had given

me

to bring the next day.

found that he'd been moved

the nurses' station.

but eighteen.

of 1997, however, he developed a severe case of

later

tled for the night,

lives

to a

When

I

me

a

list

of

returned in the

room directly across from

The nurse who sat at his bedside told me that David

had anxiously awaited my coming, claiming to hear my footsteps every time someone passed his room.

He was 104

hallucinating

and he was

ter-

ACEDIA IV tubes

ribly restless, picking at his there.

was shocked

I

probably would not

was

for

as if he didn't

at his condition, last

ME

&

but the

Good

as that

a tree in the wind. I'm here, sweetie, Vmfine.

us, it is

trying to hurt

is

much

touched that together.

us.

his paranoia eased a bit

I

of what he said concerned better times in our

There was our elopement to Sundance, Wyoming, where

our wedding

at

the county courthouse

Dime Horseshoe

ily's

that this

not a sniper out the window,

is

David was on a talking jag, and once

the

hours.

me

me to know, David's fear was palpable, and in his confusion he

aiming a shotgun at one

staff told

more than twenty-four

needed constant reassurance: No, that

No

know why they were

Bar.

we were

There was the

fall

was life

after

toasted by strangers at

we had

spent in his fam-

tiny cabin in the Adirondacks, hiking or canoeing into the

town

of Long Lake by day and reading by lantern at night. There were his

childhood memories of sleeping rough in the mountains, making ham-

mocks out of rope, and drinking campfire enameled cups. He spoke fondly of the

coffee

flight

from chipped blue-

he had taken several years

before to the South Pacific; he had asked the flight attendants so technical questions about

what happened

to the navigational instru-

ments when the plane crossed the equator that the

him if

into the cockpit to see for himself.

we were

ing,

gether

all

become I

I

pilot

had invited

As David rambled on,

I

felt as

poem. That was strangely comfort-

inhabiting a Surrealist

because

many

was the only person

in the

world who could have put to-

the disjointed things he was saying.

a healing force, not only for

The marriage

David but

for

itself

had

me as well.

arranged to spend the night in David's hospital room.

I

woke

suddenly when he stood up to go to the bathroom and immediately crashed to the

floor. (Later

we found out 105

that he did not have

enough

KATHLEEN NORRIS potassium in his system to support his bones.) The nurses rushed

and found no let

I

injuries. It

took two nurses and

A male nurse was then

and back.

couldn't get back to sleep,

He was

a native of

I

North Dakota, and

war had convinced him

lost in the

me to get him to the toi-

stationed in the room,

talked with a

him

in

and

since

for the rest of the night.

Vietnam

veteran. Seeing lives

that he should go into nursing,

where he might help save people.

By morning David was himself again and had previous day. The doctor, told us that frustration

most people

who had been our

little

memory of the many years,

physician for

in a hallucinatory state take out their fear

and

on the nursing staff. "But you," he told David, "were a perfect

gentleman." This was no surprise to me. David's preternatural sweetness

had surfaced

in difficult conditions before.

Our life together went on. Because of that bout with pneumonia, his physician ordered regular checkups, and in early

the diagnosis changed everything. I

1998, an X-

on one of David's lungs. It proved to be malignant, and

ray showed a spot

even as

December

Time

itself

busied myself with practicalities

—

seemed suspended, and

getting us to

Honolulu

a

week earlier than we had planned, setting up an appointment with an on-

—

cologist there

I

could not escape a stark sense of terror.

One of David's

cousins had died from the same form of lung cancer, which

by smoking. His malignancy had been discovered too intervention,

is

not caused

late for

medical

and he had died within a few months. Was treatment

possible for us?

I

use the plural form, because that

is

how

uncertainty of David's condition was a dreadful burden, but

it felt.

it

still

The

was one

we could share. After a series of tests

on

forever, a plan

and medical consultations that seemed to drag

emerged: surgery followed by radiation, and perhaps

106

ACEDIA

&

ME

chemotherapy. David came through the surgery and radiation in

Honolulu spring.

good shape, and we went home

in

While the

loss

of one lung had slowed

South Dakota in

to

him down, he was

late

again

walking for miles every day around our prairie town, up to the cemetery,

down Main Street, and home. But two rounds of chemotherapy over the summer devastated him, and in late November he suffered severe weakand shortness of breath. At

ness

rence of pneumonia;

it

first his

turned out to be

doctors thought far

more

it

was a recur-

serious. In yet another

emergency room we were told that David had come within hours of death.

He had

developed a large blood clot in his one remaining lung.

We had been preparing to visit my family in Hawai'i for Christmas; that

was now out of the question. We were down

going to

live,

or would he

Dakota's hospitals?

If

succumb

to the flu that

was plaguing North

he survived, would he continue to require

tance for the basic tasks of living?

home? He was more

Was David

to basics:

frail

than

cooperated with the therapists

I

Would he need

to be in a nursing

had ever seen him, but

who came

as always,

in

bed for

a week, the nursing staff wanted

four people to help

was being moved the oncology gled

him on his

he had

feet. It

took

him walk a short distance. A woman whose mother

to a hospice played Christmas carols

ward

he

to his bedside: respiratory

therapists, physical therapists, occupational therapists. After

been

assis-

lobby,

and

I

watched through

on

tears as

a piano in

David strug-

down the hall. I wondered if he would ever walk on his own again. By

the time he was released

from the hospital

I

had found us

a

handicapped-accessible room, equipped with a mini-kitchen, in a

Bismarck motel.

would need he was

still

We

had no idea how long we would be

daily therapy for at least a

too weak to

visit

month;

there.

his oncologist

thought

the rehab site as an outpatient. But

107

David

we

de-

KATHLEEN NORRIS cided to

try: if

didn't work,

it

we could arrange

for a therapist to

David now required supplemental oxygen, so

to us.

I

had

to

come

overcome

my mechanical klutziness to be able to set up and change his tanks. To judge from tions

my husband's

more than death

exhausted David. It

expression, he initially feared

itself.

He needed

to return to

our

ever get to Honolulu.

out small joys.

help with

and

all

of

Dakota, or whether

The Christmas season was

we would

awful, yet not within

wreath that scented our room. The

much of the time, but there was a gro-

cery nearby, and also a McDonald's, where fries,

recover

Hawaiian flowers, which we placed

also a pine

temperature was below zero for

cheeseburger,

it.

know whether he would

to

home in South

My family sent

the motel lobby,

ministra-

But talking, eating, walking, and bathing

was disconcerting not

enough

my

I

got David an occasional

and chocolate shake to help him gain weight. In the

middle of a blizzard, while he was

asleep,

I

bundled myself up and

walked to a nearby mall to see the movie Dogma, reveling in the suspension of disbelief it drew from me. angels banished

from heaven made

to exploit a theological loophole,

destroy the universe? Alan ing at people

whose

it

I

care so

to a church in

much if two

New Jersey in time

redeem themselves, and incidentally

Rickman

biblical

How could

alone, as a

knowledge

is

put-upon

angel, sneer-

based on Charlton Heston

movies, was worth the trudge through the wind and snow.

The comforts of routine eased our sense of

dislocation. Every

weekday we took the motel van to a pulmonary rehab therapy. After dropping

him

off

I

clinic for David's

took the walkway to the hospital's

gym and dispelled my tension on the treadmill. After the first week the therapists gave

David homework, and soon the motel housekeepers

were cheering him on as he walked down the

108

hall,

trying to go a

little

ACEDIA farther each day.

I

&

ME

followed with a chair in which he could rest before

walking back to our room. Friends helped with errands.

town

The

receptionist at our

computer

Monks who came by

were

in

with

homemade soup. Having lived without television for several years,

we took

visited.

a guilty pleasure in watching The Sopranos.

Our

friend the hospital chaplain frequently gave us rides back to

the motel. As Christmas Eve approached, he asked

attend services at a church south of ing at Mass.

year,

if I

wanted

to

presid-

had neglected church

me

at this

time of

and while I love the richness of the Advent readings, which incor-

fail at

consulting

its

entirety,

them

On

I

felt

dead

He

to Revelation,

and asked whether he would

replied, quietly,

me that inwardly he was

I

inevitably

Christmas sea-

noticed that David was in

like

"That would be

me to stay with him that

nice."

shouting, "Don't leave

plans for church and

I

inside.

the afternoon of Christmas Eve,

spirits,

night.

from Genesis

faithfully in preparation for the

son. This year in particular,

my

I

of Advent. Acedia often descends on

porate the Bible in

poor

me

town where he would be

readily agreed, feeling sad that

I

much

during

store

made popcorn

in the

His tone signaled to

me alone!" I microwave

canceled as

David

consulted the television schedule.

The only thing of interest was hardly

Christmas

Hamlet, with Mel Gibson and Glenn

Close.

fare:

Franco

Zeffirelli's

The flow of Shakespearean language was

"Blank

verse,"

David

said, contentedly. It

birth of the Prince of Peace

a

balm

for

our

souls.

did seem curious that as the

was being celebrated

all

around us we were

stuck with a rash of stabbings and poisonings in Denmark. After

mined

more than

that he

a

month

of daily therapy, David's doctors deter-

was strong enough

to fly to Hawai'i with the aid of a

wheelchair and supplemental oxygen. The trip went well enough; the

109

KATHLEEN NORRIS first

upon

thing David said

tell

I'm

his

own. But

at sea level."

For the

exiting the plane in

"I

can

time in months, he could breathe on

first

am getting ahead of my story. For

I

Honolulu was,

I

did celebrate Advent

that year, despite myself, despite the laxity of my spiritual reading,

and

my utter indifference to worshipping with other Christians. The monks had given

me

their schedule of Scripture readings,

diously ignored.

room,

One morning,

thought, "Oh,

I

hell, it's

though, as

I

which

was waking

getting close to Christmas

well see what's up." After consulting the liturgical calendar,

Gideon Bible

But

to Isaiah 43

now thus

and found

says the

Fear not, for I

I

had

in the

—

I

stu-

motel

might

as

opened the

I

this:

LORD, who

And He who formed you, O

I

created you;

O Jacob,

Israel:

have redeemed you;

have called you by your name;

You

are Mine.

When you

pass through the waters,

And through

I

be with you;

will

the rivers, they shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire you shall Nor For

shall the I

am

the

not be burned,

flame scorch you.

LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel,

your Savior.

—Isaiah

43: 1-3

(NKJV)

Taking in these words as band's breathing, time,

I

I

which

is

listened to the steady

was profoundly glad

thought to myself.

to love,

I

We wait

for everything. This

and want

the ultimate freedom.

no

sound of

Our

for nothing.

situation

is

my

hus-

a blessed

We

are free

might appear

ACEDIA we

hopeless to others. But

we know

Adam and

and

Eve, before the Fall,

Little Riff

on Heaven and Hell

suspect that any married person, or any

one time or another fourth-century "Originally,

Abba Megethius when he

when we met

heavens. But

monk for that matter, has at

and diminishment expressed by the

the loss

felt

couraging one another.

said to his fellow

we spoke of

together

monks,

edifying things, en-

We were 'like the angels'; we ascended up to the

now when we come

down by gossiping, and

so

together,

we go down

we only drag one another

to hell."

For the early Christian abbas and ammas, both heaven and

were to be found in present inheritance

—one

to be

reality.

hoped

for,

apart from everyday experience.

While both were envisioned

the other avoided

saying, "Yes, of course,

and heaven

ity is

not considered a prison; there

—

is

live in alienation: in

is

no

life,

plenitude, light."

our reach, for we carry

Heaven or hell:

this

is

it

the

is

an

neither existed

other people" by

religion in

which everyday

no philosophy or ideology that one way or another

has always had a nostalgia for the freedom that

only real

as

as well."

Eugene Ionesco wrote that "there

does not think we

—

hell

No doubt these monastics would have

greeted Sartre's famous existentialist credo "Hell

life is

all

heaven.

is

A I

are

ME

&

Heaven or

within us. Today

is

.

.

.

human-

only beauty, that

hell? Either place is

is

the

first

day,

within

and the

last.

moment, here, now. Make of it what you will.

///

VII.

Acedia

s

Progress

Good Times and Bad During that December, David seemed more a

man

in his early

fifties.

Shopping

an octogenarian than

like

for his prescriptions

and warmer

socks in a crowded mall on the hectic days before Christmas

weary, and

I

feared for both of us.

We would

made me

rather have been spend-

ing the holidays in Hawai'i than North Dakota, and

my family was dis-

appointed that David would not be preparing his customary snack for Santa on Christmas Eve ditional Christmas

—

antipasto

and fettuccine Alfredo

—and

a tra-

Day feast, with roast turkey, garlic mashed potatoes,

and a chocolate mousse

in classic French style.

Our young

nieces

had

at least

had

dubbed David "Uncle Mousse." I was "Auntie Omelet." Exiled from that familial

each other. But our

Our

cell

life

and subtropical warmth, we

had been stripped so bare

was a motel room, with a loud though

Our food was

that of the

as to

be oddly ascetic.

effective heating unit.

contemporary nomad,

deli

sandwiches, and

microwavable meals that managed to be both oversalted and bland. In this gaudily carpeted desert, dia. It

was the same

as

it

one thing that was familiar was

my ace-

had been the year before, and the year before

ACEDIA that. Acedia,

it

seems,

temptation.

The

my companion

is

matter what happens in

in

good times and bad. No

my life, or how am feeling, it is my primary I

monks would

desert

ME

&

recognize in

blahs a textbook case of the struggle with acedia,

my annual Advent

when

prayer seems

not only a useless activity but also an impediment to freedom. This truth as the devil slave

me

vice. Left

tells

it,

using the lure of being free to be myself to en-

in a sterile narcissism. For acedia

unchecked,

to practice

it

is

not merely a personal

is

can unravel the great commandment: as

I

cease

my love of God, I am also less likely to observe a proper love

of my neighbor or myself. If the

Church has made too much of the

duces us into thinking too highly of ourselves, of the sin of sloth, which allows us to be,

both as individuals and as a

Buchanan

Christian story places

it

has not

being

se-

made enough

less

than we can

The Presbyterian pastor John

and concerns

less

are as problematic

But they are also an ancient curse. The Judeo-

where the primal

in Eden,

ing to take responsibility. Put

sin involves refus-

on the spot, Adam tries to excuse himself

by blaming Eve, and Eve then blames the serpent. Neither the buck stops, as long as this display

which

and indifference that make us

able to engage in vital occupations evil.

it

settle for

society.

believes that passivity

today as intentional

sin of pride,

it

rests

with someone

of sloth by sending the

first

people,

for the holy leisure of paradise, into a land

else.

God

cares

where

responds to

who had been intended

where they must labor

for

their sustenance.

Religious vocabulary repentance carry so tant to

is

demanding, and words such

as sin

and

much baggage that even many Christians are reluc-

employ them. In

a culture

marked by

theological illiteracy

it is

tempting to censor terms that are so often misconstrued and misused.

113

KATHLEEN NORRIS Many people who would

not dream of relying on the understanding

of literature or the sciences they acquired as children are content to leave their juvenile theological convictions largely

resented religion

when

and dismayed by

its

unexamined.

If they

they were young, as adults they are perplexed

stubborn persistence in the

human

race.

But

reli-

gions endure because they concern themselves with our deepest questions about

good and

about the suffering that

evil,

of us, and about what

it

means

to be fully

human

life

brings to each

in the face of death.

We are right to distrust the idea of sin as it is often presented, but are foolish indeed

bathwater.

if

we throw out

the living baby with the old church

The concept of sin does not

exist so that

people

who may

need therapy more than theology can be convinced that they are

and beyond hope. are

It is

meant

evil

to encourage people to believe that they

made in the image of God and to act accordingly. Hope is the heart

of it, and the ever-present possibility of transformation. The doctrine

would not have remained had not been,

book

Victims

a living tradition for such a long time

Linda Mercadante describes

as the theologian

and

human dilemma

Sinners,

—one

"a.

rich, holistic

I

in her

way of conceptualizing

that functioned to steady

sands of generations." Were

it

if it

the

and inform thou-

deny this, and discount the wisdom of

to

my ancestors, I would grow not wise but overconfident in my estimation of myself

Were

I

sermon on gossip

and

in

what passes

to listen with

an open

fasting better able to

and the

satisfying art of

for progress.

ear,

I

might come away from a Lenten

spurn the tempting

Or when

this

it

good

Craddock defines the

stings like a slap in the face.

114

feel

way we do well to pay at-

a master preacher such as Fred

sin of sloth so clearly that

of malicious

maligning others in order to

about myself. When the church speaks in tention.

feast

What we casu-

ACEDIA ally

dismiss as mere laziness, he says,

child

.

.

.

.

States,

"the ability to look at a starving

say, 'Well,

not

it's

man sitting alone among the pigeons

that's

not

my kid.'

in the

...

park and

Or say,

my dad.' It is that capacity of the human spirit to look

out upon the world and everything

The

is

with a swollen stomach and

.

an old

to see

'Well

.

ME

&

sin of sloth in this sense

God made and

is all

say, I don't

carer

too recognizable in the United

where the term "granny dumping"

used to define the prac-

is

tice

of anonymously depositing our elderly on the doorsteps of nurs-

ing

homes and where urban

indigent patients

on

known

hospitals have been

skid row,

some

still

abandon

to

in their hospital

gowns and

with IVs in their arms. But even as such outrages are exposed, beset by a curious silence: the evil

ways, the

less able

alone

selves, let

work

we

are,

more it

that society's

ills

we

are

surface in such

seems, to detect any evil within our-

what

effectively together to fix

is

wrong. The

philosopher Alasdair Maclntyre finds that while our "present age

perhaps no more in

one

erated

special .

.

.

evil

way

than a number of preceding periods

at least,

namely the extent

[our] consciousness of evil. This

it is

which we have

to .

...

.

becomes

.

is

evil

oblit-

strikingly

apparent in the contemporary modes of instant indignation and denunciation.

It is

marvelous," he adds, to observe "how often the

self-

proclaimed defenders of the right and the good do not seem to have noticed [in themselves] the vices of pomposity self-righteousness."

Such behavior

Maclntyre concludes; but "it was eccentric vice ... to is

known

become

a

left

is

to

not

.

new

.

.

exaggeration, and

to

human

history,

our time for what had been an

dominant

social

mode." Acedia, which

to foster excessive self-justification, as well as a casual yet

implacable judgmentalism toward others, readily lends process.

in

itself to this

KATHLEEN NORRIS Though we may think ourselves prigs, the writer

too liberated to be considered

far

Marilynne Robinson

insists that this

is

exactly

what we

have become. She points out that the polarized tenor of our social discourse epitomizes the dictionary definition of priggishness, as "marked

by overvaluing oneself or one's

ideas, habits, notions,

by precise

herence to them, and by small disparagement of others." to profess not to believe in sin, but

so

it is

It

.

.

.

ad-

may be easy

hard not to believe in sinners,

we embrace the comfortable notion that at least they are other peo-

ple.

"I'm a good person, but

son, but

God hates homosexuals." "I'm a good per-

God condemns homophobes."

"I'm a good person, but the

homeless are irresponsible bums." "I'm a good person, but those denigrate the homeless are

evil."

president." "Good people like

"Good people

like

me

who

support our

me oppose the president." The loud litany

of self-aggrandizement that reverberates through our culture convinces

me

that, for all

main

of our presumed psychological sophistication,

at a primitive stage in

sin. It's as if

and we'll

all

our capacity to understand the

be nicer to one another. As a Christian, I beg to are real,

and they lead

to

bad

In the fourteenth century, Chaucer

needed against acedia, lest ture such as ours, this if

ciety

that

we

is

re-

reality

of

we believe that if we just don't talk about it, it will go away,

bad thoughts

and

we

persist in

it

acts.

soul."

magnanimity of spirit

is

Our

Check any newspaper.

warned

swallow up the

differ.

that "a great heart

is

But in a priggish cul-

precisely

what we

lack,

denying any truth but our own, the danger to so-

that our perspective will remain so

narrow and

self-serving

we lose the ability to effect meaningful change. Robinson wonders,

in fact,

whether we have made such a

icism that

we have eroded our

Anger over

injustice

fetish

of social concern and

belief that genuine

may inflame

us,

116

but

that's a

reform

is

crit-

possible.

double-edged sword.

ACEDIA If

our indignation

feels

too good,

dia,

we won't even

will attach to

it

pride and leave us ranting in a void.

ME

&

our arrogance and

And if we develop full-blown ace-

care about that.

At bottom, to dismiss sin

as negative

to demonstrate a failure of

is

imagination. As the writer Garret Keizer asserts in Help: The Original

Human Dilemma:

"Everyone believes in

their peers with political incorrectness litical

correctness as the bogey of a

one does not believe

in, as

creativity to recognize

would rather

our

faults,

disdain. Forgiveness

and stringent self-assessment,

I

can

and

the people

who

charge

and the people who regard po-

little

nearly as

sin,

He adds, "What every-

mind." tell, is

forgiveness."

It

requires

to discern virtues in those

demands

close attention, flexibility,

hard to come by as we

faculties that are

career blindly into the twenty-first century,

and

are increasingly asked

to choose information over knowledge, theory over experience,

certainty over ambiguity. This mentality ness,

the

may be

but in a family, including the family of faith,

mits us to treat our churches as

if

shrift,

and

poems,

It

to

still

of some use in busiit is

lies

We're not

more

primitive time,

wished them

ill.

"I can't

more than

by

when people

pray

that,"

I

like that.

we pay

still

had ene-

have heard pastors

which admit

to

truth, to resenting others or desiring revenge.

We're good people, or good enough, having willed tribalism,

and violence

loss to explain their presence in the if

per-

assume an attitude of superiority toward these ancient

away the prejudice,

Yet

It

to crass manipulation

say of the cursing psalms, or the confessional ones,

loving

a disaster.

allows Christian seminarians to give the psalms short

as relics of a

mies, and

and

they were political parties instead of

body of Christ, making them vulnerable

ideologues.

we

attention to

what

in

our hearts.

world around is

117

going on,

We

are at a

us.

we may come

to the

KATHLEEN NORRIS uneasy realization that the root meaning of acedia, as could serve to define our present

state.

of

'lack

We grow inured to the horren-

dous violence engendered by suicide bombings and genocidal wars" around the world, and sigh at

home, or of the murder of

letic

shoes he

is

wearing.

A

care,'

when we hear of road- rage

"little

fatalities

a teenager for the trendy jacket or ath-

refusal to care

about the needs of others

marks the unapologetic incompetence of a government worker or callcenter operator,

and

pain caused by a ploited

also the disregard of corporate executives for the

move

to a place

where cheaper labor might be ex-

and more dangerous working conditions accepted. In the

derly, acedia expresses itself as a resigned

withdrawal in a society

indifferent to the ravages of aging, while in the young,

boredom with

all

el-

it is

a studied

that the world has to offer.

In April 1999, two teenage boys in a Denver suburb slaughtered thirteen people at their high school before killing themselves.

merous homemade bombs they placed lice that their intent

was

to destroy the school

well over a thousand people.

had

felt

among

Whatever

their peers, they

so severe as to be pathological. a friend of the pair said in

in the building

and

kill

The nu-

convinced poeveryone in

disaffection these

it,

young men

were in the throes of a lack of caring

A student who had considered himself

an interview that

as awful as their action was,

he couldn't help feeling that "they finally did something." An astute observation, in a time of acedia,

counted

as

when murder on

a large scale

something to break up the everyday routine and grant no-

toriety to teenage outcasts. In a culture crazy for celebrity

of basic needs, "losers"

may be

it

and

careless

should come as no surprise that a pair of teenage

might come

to value "doing something," even

speakably violent, over

life itself.

The 118

actions of the

something un-

Columbine duo

ACEDIA confirm what the criminologist it is

more than

beings,"

it is

an 'outsider'

a

"breakdown

who

is

reminds us tion, the

logical

Henri de Lubac puts

accidie,"

some ways

a it

he writes, 'positive'

"is

and

the two teens at

attachment to

their culture's excessive essayist

which has been

Benjamin Barber

called

unearned emo-

form of unearned skepticism." The theologian another way: "Cynicism

is

the reverse side of

does not give us the truth about [ourselves]." But the

jaded adolescent, confusing cynicism with maturity, truth,

among human

continuum."

that, "like sentiment,

It

"The

and deadly extreme. The

new irony is

hypocrisy.

says of acedia, that

meaningful interaction

"finally did something." In

its

Shoham

completely detached from both the

Columbine were only taking irony to

Giora

a thorough disengagement.

'negative' sides of the value

They

in

S.

ME

&

anyway?

And why should

I

care, if

no one

may ask, "What is

cares about

me?"

Respectable Acedia

As a viable sense of sin has eroded in modern times, acedia has become

more

acceptable. In his pithy essay

plores why, although existed, in his

on the

subject,

Aldous Huxley ex-

boredom, hopelessness, and despair have always

own time "something has happened to make these emo-

tions respectable

and avowable; they are no longer sinful, no longer

garded as the mere symptoms of disease."

It

may be

that after

re-

two

world wars people could not presume that the great technological advances of the industrial age would lead to cultural and moral advance-

ment

as well.

Chemical weapons, forced-labor camps, gas chambers,

death marches, the firebombing of civilian populations in Spain, England, Japan, and Germany, and nuclear attacks on two Japanese

119

KATHLEEN NORRIS cities

revealed that while

genocidal violence, let

it

human

beings had

become more

efficient at

was not easy for us to consider ourselves

civilized,

alone "good." Leszek Kolakowski, once Poland's top Marxist philoso-

pher,

and now, according

to the theologian

notes that "the absence of

faith,"

wound

of the European

spirit,"

God became

when

shining order of anthropomorphism"

God"

take the place of "the fallen

The German

Jesuit Karl

shortly after the

Martin Marty, "a friend to the ever

became

it

—which,

—never

more open

new

clear that "the

was hoped, would

it

arrived.

Rahner, writing in a devastated Munich

end of World War

II,

gone

reflected that "it has

strangely with [us] in the recent decades of European intellectual history."

While many

felt that,

having "struggled passionately against the

tutelage of Church, state, society, convention, morals," they could

claim true autonomy, they often found

it

an empty freedom. What had

originated as "a great, honest struggle" devolved for

and

ruin, for true freedom." Far

concluded,

many into "a fool-

mistook licentiousness and unrestraint, the freedom of

ish protest that

error

now

modern people

fell

from finding

into "a very

odd

Rahner

release,

slavery

.

.

.

slavery

from within." Slavery from within, in the early Christian

all

of

its

manifestations, was exactly

what

monks were contending with, and Rahner mines

a

vein well-known to these ancients. His contemporaries, he writes, seem

more

helpless than ever in struggling with "the

powers of

desire, the

powers of egotism, the hunger for power, the powers of sexuality and pleasure and simultaneously the impotence caused by worry which

undermines

.

.

.

from within, by insecurity, by loss of life's meaning, by

anxiety and futile disappointment." Not exactly the eight bad thoughts,

but close enough. Having

lost the sense

120

of a useful religious tradition,

ACEDIA and with the

insights of the early

&

ME

monks obscured over time, Rahner's

self-proclaimed "free" person was

ill

equipped to take note of what

Aldous Huxley, who was decidedly not a Christian, warned was the

noonday demon emerging

primary

as the

sin of the age. "It

is

a very

curious phenomenon," Huxley observed, "this progress of accidie from the position of being a deadly sin

and of

finally

much

of an essentially

lyrical

.

.

.

to the position first of a disease

emotion,

of the most characteristic

fruitful in the inspiration

modern

literature." In the nine-

teenth century, Baudelaire could write, coolly, of a young, urban as

man

monarch of his own small kingdom: "Bored to nausea with his dogs

and other

creatures.

/

Nothing amuses him: not chase, nor

Nor people dying opposite

his balcony."

Andrei Voznesensky speaks of the heart

More than

itself as

ments, "In these days of unheard-of suffering

/

an

falconry,

a century later

Achilles,

One

is

/

and com-

lucky indeed to

have no heart."

Industrial Acedia

In determining the cause of acedia's progress during the

modern

era,

Huxley looks to the aftermath of the French Revolution, Napoleon's spectacular rise

and

fall,

and the triumph of mechanized production.

"The discovery that political enfranchisement, so long and stubbornly fought

for,

was the merest

futility ...

so long as industrial servitude re-

mained," he contends, was the most bitter disillusionment of early decades of the twentieth century

saw the

first

major

the industrial age; naively designated the "Great War,"

European tion of

sensibilities

beyond

repair as

it

The

conflict of it

shocked

destroyed an entire genera-

young men. But the aftermath of World War

121

all.

II

proved para-

KATHLEEN NORRIS doxical, for even as

United

States,

may have

I.

prosperity, a

on

to

left

a residue of unease.

we know

it,

do

corpora-

but they also

The only lasting freedom,

a global scale.

was that of corporations

it

new breed of multinational

invented the "free world" as

fostered servitude out,

spawned an era of unparalleled prosperity in the

Europe, and eventually Japan,

The agents of this tions,

it

it

turned

as they please, for entities such as

G. Farben and ITT, for example, to profit from doing business with

both the Allies and the Axis powers. In the future we will no doubt

dis-

cover that powerful firms such as Bechtel, Halliburton, Raytheon, and

SAIC have been involved

our

in similar practices in

early 1960s, President Eisenhower

warned

in vain

own

time. In the

about the threat to

democratic principles that he saw emerging in a powerful and largely

unaccountable "military- industrial complex."

The words accidie and acedia may have been English Dictionary

had no room

by

this time,

for them.

but

The 1951

at least

restored to the Oxford

one dictionary of the era

edition of Webster's

New

World

Dictionary of the American Language goes from "accident insurance" to "accipiter,"

and from "aceae"

to "ace in the hole."

flourishing, however, undetected

and unnamed,

I

observe acedia

in the

postwar

tri-

umph of both weapons-making and consumer manufacturing. An unprecedented array of automobiles, dishwashers, frost-free refrigerators,

and gas-powered lawn mowers were brought and soon regarded as

necessities.

forth, lavishly

promoted

The pharmaceutical industry grew ex-

ponentially to meet a need for medications that could help people cope

with undercurrents of anxiety, the fear that this recent prosperity was

hollow

at the core.

Modern conveniences might

save people

from

te-

dious labor, but they could do nothing to assuage the sense of being in a precarious position in a rapidly changing world. Instead of feeling

122

ACEDIA carefree,

ME

&

many people felt burdened with more and more "necessities,"

until they

were

between needs and wants, be-

less able to distinguish

tween self-indulgence and

self-respect.

They became,

in short, perfect

consumers.

Our But they

politicians are less

and what

fond of

telling us

we

live in a "free country."

often invite us to consider what our freedom consists of

it is

for.

In asking those questions

we touch on

a great dis-

sonance in American culture. In her essay "Keeping the Sabbath,"

Dorothy Bass observes that "in Deuteronomy the commandment observe the Sabbath day' leased

from bondage.

that light,

is

tied to the experience of a people

the world are free?

The poor

a day of fishing or farming or factory work.

The

effects

on

can't risk losing

The sweatshop manager

doesn't provide time off for illness or leisure.

greed, ambition,

newly re-

Slaves cannot take a day off; free people can." In

how many in

tant to put the brakes

to

And

the rich are reluc-

in a society that offers such great rewards for

and workaholic habits

that erode the spirit.

of "eroding the spirit" can't be quantified and are

therefore not significant. Neither are individuals.

Our diminishing

value can be traced through corporate jargon; businesses that once referred to employees as "personnel" rechristened

sources" and have tal."

People

now adopted an

even

chillier

them "human

term,

"human

re-

capi-

who are "capital" are readily disposable, and in recent years

corporations have been emboldened to regard full-time employees as liabilities,

and thus

and other once

limit or altogether eliminate health care, pensions,

common

benefits.

But these same corporations do

need consumers, and they spend prodigious amounts on advertising

campaigns (the military terminology duce us into thinking that freedom

123

is

is

no accident) intended

to se-

the ability to purchase what

KATHLEEN NORRIS Sears once promised as

"The good

At a good

life.

As the concepts of good and freedom, theology,

become small arms

itself

can change.

billionaire recently stated that his goal

He may do just

for centuries the province of

in the ever-expanding arsenal of

keting tools, the purpose of life

the next guy.

price. Guaranteed."

is

One

to die with

Thomas Merton

that.

mar-

Internet multi-

more

said

it

toys than

starkly

and

prophetically in the 1960s: that in a society focused and "organized for profit

and

for

marketing

.

.

.

there's

no

real

freedom. You're free to

choose gimmicks, your brand of TV, your make of new not free not to have a

Once considered property, branding

car.

But you're

car."

marking animals and

suitable only for is

now

a social

norm, and

slaves as

for a price,

Americans have agreed to have brand names tattooed on

some

their fore-

heads, necks,

and pregnant bellies. One man was looking to replace the

family car; a

woman wanted the $10,000 for private school tuition for

her son, another was paying medical

ments, as to

if

Tommy,

And how

own names,

relinquished the sanctity of our the street as Calvin,

bills.

DKNY,

or

readily

in order to

we have

walk down

willing to be free advertise-

only our choice of clothing and shoes might impress others

our superior character and worth. The sixth-century theologian

Gregory the Great would recognize our condition acedia,

which can

foster

as

an outgrowth of

deep resentment that leads to avarice.

If

the

psychological connections that were obvious to Gregory remain obscure to us,

we might

recognize ourselves in the observation of the

contemporary Benedictine Hugh ing lost joy within

more

it

itself,

seeks

.

seeks exterior goods, the

.

Feiss that "the .

confused heart, hav-

consolation outside

more

can return."

124

it

.

.

.

itself.

lacks interior joy to

The

which

it

ACEDIA indeed acedia's world

It is

grow

indifferent to

them even

ME

&

when we have we hunger

as

so for

many choices still

more

that

we

novelty.

As

luxury goods and pornographic images permeate the culture, no longer the province of a select few,

and

tual ones

we discard real relationships in favor of vir-

scarcely notice that being overly concerned with the

thread count of cotton sheets and the exotic ingredients of gourmet

meals can render us

food and have no bed but the trarians like

who had

about those

less able to care streets.

who

scrounge for

Now more than ever we need con-

Thomas Merton, who once

told a Louisville store clerk

asked what brand of toothpaste he preferred,

"I don't care."

Merton was intrigued by the man's response. "He almost dropped dead," he wrote. "I was supposed to feel strongly about Colgate or

Pepsodent or Crest or something with secret ingredient.

But

five colors.

And

they

all

didn't care about the secret ingredient."

I

concluded that "the worst thing you can do

now

is

have a

Merton

not care about

these things."

We chaotic

should care that as the public sphere becomes increasingly

and threatening, what we think of as freedom

consists of retreat

and insularity. Marketers welcome this development, but a consumerist mentality allows us to turn spiritual practices, which traditionally have

been aimed

at

making us more responsive to the legitimate needs of the

wider world, into self-indulgence. vice,

which

is

plentiful,

We can pay good money to seek ad-

about finding the prayer method that best

suits

us and deciding where best to position our meditation space: in a

custom-made gazebo, or over the three-car garage? One glossy advertisement

I

have seen shows a

tion; off to the side

is

woman

facing the ocean in a yoga posi-

a beachfront high-rise with

apartments costing from $1 to $5 million, and a

125

condominium

sales pitch:

"The outer

.

KATHLEEN NORRIS world

is

frenzied.

The inner world needn't

be."

When

people pray over

finding the color scheme, carpet, candles, images, and incense that will best enhance their spiritual

they would do well to

life,

recall the literal

meaning of the third commandment, against blasphemy. is

In Hebrew,

it

an admonition against offering nothingness to God. As Graham

A Burnt-Out Case, "[People]

Greene observes

in the novel

in prisons ... in

slums and concentration camps.

classes

who demand to

show

Spirituality

riety of religious experiences in a sense that

One woman, when asked to

spiritual superstore

only the middle-

pray in suitable surroundings."

In England, the television

have imagined.

It's

have prayed

Shopper offers a va-

William James could not

select

something from the

— among the choices were an introduction

to

Buddhist meditation, a Jewish Sabbath-eve meal, and a Christian

— chose

Lenten charity

Sufi whirling. Missing, of course,

was any

sense that religious traditions build up meaning only over time and in a

communal

context.

They

can't

be purchased

like a

burger or a

pair of shoes.

As we grow more reluctant

to care

about anything past our per-

ceived needs, acedia asserts itself as a primary characteristic of our time. "Given the state of our world," Alasdair Maclntyre writes (and,

would add, not whether

it is

just the state

time to "restore the concept of

Western culture. because

our

It is

we might

of our inner "wellness"),

clear that

evil that

it

I

ask

once had in

we lack an adequate concept of evil

.

.

we lack any adequate concept of good." The danger for us and

society,

he points out,

is

that "inadequate thought

ways translate into inadequate

action." If sloth

John Buchanan contends, "not living up to the manity, playing

it

safe, investing

and speech

means,

full

al-

as the pastor

potential of our hu-

nothing, being cautious, prudent,

126

ACEDIA

&

ME

digging a hole and burying [our treasure]," into account

what

Historians,

this

means

Buchanan

ism of any kind rears

its

Simone

cites

Weil,

who

critical that

we

take

for society at large.

writes, "observe that

ugly head,

stopped caring about the

it is

it's

whenever

totalitarian-

because ordinary people have

of the community and the nation."

life

declared that Hitler's rise to power

He

would be

inconceivable without "the existence of millions of uprooted [people]"

who could not be

roused to care about anything except their immedi-

ate circumstances.

people

who

vanced and

It is all

than any

more

human

believed that free

the

appalling that these were often

progress had

who had come before.

allows us to complacently measure the world

made them more This

ad-

common fallacy

by the scope of our own

limited outlook; but as the Carmelite Constance Fitzgerald reminds us,

our

failure to

acknowledge our inner blockages can make us incapable

of recognizing the blockages

we have

created in the culture.

"We

see

cold reason, devoid of imagination," she writes, "heading with deadly logic

toward violence, hardness in the face of misery, a sense of

evitability, war,

conditions

—

only possible

and

death."

Even worse, we come to assume that these

injustice, poverty, perpetual conflict reality,

in-

—

are inevitable, the

and lose our ability to imagine that there

are other

ways of being, other courses of action.

One such

blockage

—

I'll

call it

acedia

heart of the question of what

we

lem of homelessness

in this

country

scarcely existed, apart

from skid row

many people, the problems bed hungry every

—seems

to

me

to be at the

will tolerate as a society.

now seems

The prob-

intractable, but

it

alcoholics, only decades ago. For

of homeless families whose children go to

night, or the at least 40 million

Americans who do

not have medical insurance and adequate health care, are just "the way

127

KATHLEEN NORRIS The

things are," beneath the radar of their concern.

writer Wendell

Berry laments the extent to which economics has been elevated to a position that

God once held, as "ultimate justifier." We have come to "treat

economic laws of supply and demand" of the universe." is

as

If there is a religion that

the pursuit of wealth. But Christians

fully acquiescing to its petty gods,

more

effectively

though they were "the laws

encompasses

all

must recognize

the world,

it

that in sloth-

we deny Christ a place on earth even

than do the loud atheists and antitheists of our time.

To Say "God

Is

Love"

Is

In a series of talks in the 1960s,

Like Saying "Eat Wheaties"

Thomas Merton

foresaw our contem-

porary world as one-dimensional, a world in which "all words have be-

come

alike ...

Wheaties.' are real

.

.

.

supposed is."

There's

no

is love,' "

he commented, "is

difference, except

to look pious

.

.

.

like saying, 'Eat

that people

know they

when God is mentioned, but not when

ce-

Now that expensive handbags and jackets are displayed in store

windows

ming

To say 'God

as reverentially as icons,

effect are advertised

and swimsuits

with the tagline

alleged to have a slim-

"Why

pray for a miracle

when you can wear one?" even that distinction has been compromised.

And

it

matters.

that the

news

When

magazines such as Time and Newsweek pretend

consists of page after page of

the latest gadgets,

we may,

as

"[thinking we] are informed,"

Merton

when

unpaid advertisements for

predicted,

in fact

we

fall

into the trap of

are "living in an imag-

inary world." In this hyped-up world, broadcast

emerged

as acedia's perfect vehicles,

and Internet news media have

demanding

that

we

care, all at

once, about a suicide bombing, a celebrity divorce, and the latest ad-

128

— ACEDIA

ME

&

vance in nanotechnology. Advertisements direct our attention to automobiles; medications to combat high blood pressure, hemorrhoids,

and insomnia; the Red Cross;

a

new household

"news" returns, there are appalling segues, such cently, the screen

Rise." It all

cleanser.

as

one

When

the

witnessed re-

I

going from "Child Sex Offender Search" to "Gas Prices

comes

on the same

at us

other world might assume that

value and importance.

level,

and an innocent from an-

we consider these matters to be of equal

We may want

to believe that

we

are

con-

still

cerned, as our eyes drift from a news anchor announcing the latest atrocity to the

the

NBA scores

bottom of the

and stock market quotes streaming across

screen. But the ceaseless

and verbiage makes us impervious

bombardment of image

to caring.

As Thomas Merton predicted, our world has been we've been had.

—be

product

it

Our concern with being up-to-date on

a lotion promising to

make our

a trend in politics, medicine, or spirituality narcissistic,

flattened,

which

is

what

—

is

a closed circle always

skin

the latest

more youthful or

both "hypnotic [and]

is."

Presented with a se-

ductive product or idea, "you allow yourself to be seduced by

then the

.

.

.

way

you're happy."

The problem,

as

the

as

an example a

Vietnam War:

We

notes,

is

and

that "this

is

immune to contradictions"

maxim employed by

military officers during

are destroying a village in order to save

lose the ability to reflect It is

Merton

it,

the abuse of language functions." Inundated with "self-

validating, hypnotic formulas [that] are

he uses

and

on

either

world events or our

own

it

—we

lives.

hard work to look beneath the surfaces presented to us and ex-

amine the cultural and historical

forces underlying current conditions.

Why should we care enough to make the effort? In positing this question,

we

are well advised to

name and 129

confront our acedia. For

it is

an

KATHLEEN NORRIS unseen enemy; effects.

Acedia

windstorm,

like a

is

not a

relic

it is

witnessed only in

of the fourth century or a hang-up of some

weird Christian monks, but a force we ignore

we

focus

on the

about the

real

nationalist

and rain

—

at

our

peril.

Whenever

more

foibles of celebrities to the detriment of learning

world

—the emergence of fundamentalist

movements, the economic

forests, the social

farming

damaging

its

acedia

is

at

religious

factors endangering

our

and

reefs

and ecological damage caused by factory

work. Wherever we run to escape

it,

acedia

is

there, propelling us to "the next best thing," another paradise to revel

in

and wantonly

destroy.

It

also sends us

backward, prettying the past

with the gloss of nostalgia. Acedia has come so ily

attaches to our hectic

less,

and

feel

We may well

is

exactly what

pressured to do ask: If

in self- improvement,

with us that

it

eas-

and overburdened schedules. We appear to be

anything but slothful, yet that care

far

we

still

we are, as we do more and

more.

are always in motion, constantly engaged

and even trying

to

do good

for others,

how

can

we be considered uncaring or

slothful? In Sloth, the late playwright

Wendy Wasserstein concluded

a brilliant parody of a self-help book,

titled Sloth

and How

to

Get It, with a cogent observation of the "uber-

motivated" people of our time. writes,

"When you achieve true slothdom," she

"you have no desire for the world to change. True sloths are not

revolutionaries, [but] the lazy guardians at the gate of the status quo."

The

culture

may

glorify people

who do

Pilates at

dawn, work

BlackBerrys obsessively on the morning commute, multitask the office,

and put

a

gourmet meal on the

come home from French and

all

their

day at

table at night after the kids

fencing lessons, but, Wasserstein asks,

"are these hyperscheduled, overactive individuals really creating any-

thing new? Are they guilty of passion in any way?

130

Do

they have a

new

ACEDIA

&

vision for their government? For their

She suspects that "their purpose trenched in their active

lives,

is

ME

community? Or for themselves?"

to keep themselves so busy, so en-

permanent state

that their spirit reaches a

of lethargiosis." Just

how to the

look

at us,

with more

money and

less sleep

handle, except to go into debt, and take

morning and others

Bertrand Russell,

proaching nervous breakdown important," then a good

pills that get

that let us rest at night. If

who remarked is

than we

that "one of the

we

know

us up in

are to believe

symptoms of

the belief that one's

work

ap-

terribly

is

many of us are on the edge. Despite the abun-

dance of available therapies, we are

still

neuroses and spiritual poverty and

may be

bewildered in the face of our less well

equipped than a

fourth-century monk to deal with them. In our desperate seeking after

more

precise terms to define our condition,

we have become

like the

hapless citizens of Jean-Luc Godard's savagely comic film Alphaville,

who, in a dystopian

future, receive

new government-issued

"Bibles"

every day, dictionaries from which words are continually vanishing, because, as

one character

says,

"they are no longer allowed." She adds,

mournfully, that "some words have disappeared that

among them

I

liked very

weep, tenderness, and conscience. Recalling a

knew who wrote "they used to

I

much,"

man

she

intriguing but "incomprehensible things," she says,

call it poetry."

wonder whether that future

banished the word demon,

is

now, and why,

if

we have effectively

we are still so demon-haunted.

ceptable to speak again of demons. The

It

may be ac-

New Yorker recently published

a cartoon depicting an unshaven, bleary-looking businessman leaving for work, holding a liquor bottle along with his briefcase,

to his wife, "Its Take Your Inner

and saying

Demons to Work Day." To me this hag131

KATHLEEN NORRIS gard man, even in his slothful appearance, epitomizes our

latest,

purely

acedic mantra, "I don't have time to think," which presumes that also don't have time to care.

that

we

Our busyness

can't disguise the suspicion

are being steadily diminished, not so

own

time in a desert of our

devising.

those earlier desert-dwellers,

living as passing

might look

for guidance to

for depression, but

for accidie, discernment, faith,

and mercy.

They gave one another good tasks with full attention

remember

much

who had no word

whose vocabulary did include words grace, hope,

We

that

you

counsel: Perform the humblest of

and no fussing over the whys and wherefores;

are susceptible, at the beginning of any

new ven-

being distracted from your purpose by such things as a

ture, to

headache, an intense

ill

will

toward another, a neurotic and potent

doubt. To dwell in this desert and

make

it

bloom

requires that

ourselves as

we are.

In this process

self-

we

dulge in neither guilt nor vainglorious fantasizing, but struggle to

it

we

in-

know

we will not escape sadness and pain;

can help to employ Amma Syncletica's distinction between two forms

of

grief,

one that

liberates,

writes, "consists in

another that destroys. "The

weeping over one's own

faults"

and over "the weak-

ness of one's neighbors, in order not to destroy one's purpose,

tach oneself to the perfect good." Yet "there

is

of mockery, which some

also a grief that

from the enemy,

full

must be

mainly by prayer and psalmody."

cast out,

bad thought of acedia very means

it

for

what it

is,

call accidie. If

and

at-

comes

This

spirit

we recognize the

we can indeed cast it out using the

has employed to torment us. Amma Syncletica called on

prayer and psalmody for a reason. As the slogan has

then you

she

first sort,"

die: so

you might

as well find a

132

it, life's

a bitch,

psalm and sing anyway.

and

vm.Acedias Decline

The Freedom of Self-knowledge, the

Knowing

that

was writing about

I

The 7 Lively

titled

Burden of Self-consciousness

Sins:

How to Enjoy Your Life,

"Self-Help/Humor," the book cheerful "sin for

acedia, a friend gave

at first

seems

dummies" manual. The

me

a

book

Dammit. Designated

as

regressive, a relentlessly

sparse text, set off in brightly

colored cartoon bubbles, tends toward peppy slogans and photos: bright red lollipops, for instance,

tell

us that "guilt sucks." As the au-

Karen Salmansohn, veers into the realm of theology, ranting

thor,

against

what she understands

to be the Christian doctrine of sin, she

poses a question that has intrigued countless people, Saint Augustine

not

least

among them: "What

if

a

life

would

reveling in the seven sins

bring you overwhelming happiness, [and] never-ending fulfillment?"

Her answer wise

is

is

that sins are

way too

is

She sees sloth as

responsiveness

.

for us,

uptight. Just imagine

"Follow your drool" bliss."

good

.

.

and anyone who

says other-

how envy might

enliven us:

her take on Joseph Campbell's "Follow your "all

about the path to rejuvenation

.

.

.

self-

self-compassion, [and] the pursuit of peace and

KATHLEEN NORRIS To more

relaxation."

self-criticism

Even

if

believe that

and learn

to say,

"Damn

Salmansohn's book it is

—

it is

our pride, she advises us to shun

fully savor

I'm good."

meant

is

not so funny, after

sand years of bad theology have made

put-on

as a total all,

—and

I

don't

because more than a thou-

possible. For far too long, the

it

concept of sin has been applied oppressively, legitimating needless suffering. This silly

book

and Salmansohn

dutifully assesses the

what the Christian church

exactly

is

damage done by what she terms

the "spirit killers" of masochism, guilt, fear,

cure for apathy, enthusiasm,

promotes

it

is

and apathy. Her suggested

an ancient and

even

effective one,

if

she

with a tarted-up citation of Emerson: "Nothing great was

ever achieved without enthusiasm

.

.

.

and

lots

of double [F]rappucci-

Now Salmansohn is not far—only a million or two Frappuccinos

nos."

—from the

away

weapon

early Christian

want what you want," Louise Bogan, that lifestyle

monks, who named

in the psyche's toolbox for

found Salmansohn's admonition

my

thoughts.

What

else

contending with acedia.

monks and

at least

I

can

I

one

can,

live in peace,

I

I

do?"

One

and

is

that the

contemporary

Abba Lot

as far as

rose

like ten all

a

said to the

purify

my

and stretched

his

I

can,

I

lamps of

fire as

he

flame."

between these monks and today's pop psy-

monks' process of discernment was

more self-knowledge,

often reversed. People

I

my little office, I fast a lit-

Abba Joseph

you can become

great difference

chologists sult in

will,

thing.

say

hands toward heaven. His fingers were responded: "If you

When

to not desire "mildly" but to "wildly

ancient desert

coach could agree on

pray and meditate,

zeal the best

registered a gleeful astonishment, echoing

I

wise old Joseph, "Abba, as far as tle, I

deserves,

less self-consciousness.

whose speech remains stuck

134

likely to re-

In our day, this

is

in therapeutic jar-

ACEDIA gon, for

the "work" they are doing

all

stubbornly unreflective. Even great facility, they

if

ME

&

on themselves,

they can catalogue their neuroses with

seem stuck within them. Theirs

noble tradition. Petrarch

is

often remain

is

an ancient and

credited with giving additional

meaning to

acedia in the fourteenth century; he admitted to taking, as one scholar notes, "an almost voluptuous pleasure in [his] ings." Petrarch describes his

tion: "I feed I

emotional suffer-

condition with this cautionary observa-

upon my tears and

am loath to leave

own

sufferings with dismal pleasure so that

them."

Today, to suggest that a change might be in order, starting with a healthy drop in self-absorption, don't lay your values

on

anathema:

my self-respect.

attention to themselves, self-analysis

is

it

If

it's

a free country,

the early

monks paid

and

close

was only because they knew that rigorous

was an indispensable

spiritual practice.

Change was the

point of the discipline, and they nailed narcissistic self-definition, correctly, as vainglory.

seemed

To people schooled

to define sin as a grocery

list

in a religion that has often

of dos and don'ts, these

monks

can seem, as the Dominican Simon Tugwell explains in Ways of Imperfection^ "rather casual about morality."

They were not

at all

con-

cerned, he writes, "that people should behave correctly according to the rules,

for

but rather that people should be able to see their situation clearly

what it

underlies

is,

all

and so become free from the distorting perspective which our

sins."

The pursuit of such freedom

is

a spiritual concern,

and the

of secular psychology has roots in this basic religious quest.

Solomon

sees "talking therapies," for example, as

psychoanalysis, which in turn

dangerous thoughts

first

comes out of the

field

Andrew

coming "out of

ritual disclosure

of

formalized in the Church confessional." But

135

KATHLEEN NORRIS long before that

rite

was

established, another sort of charged encounter,

"the manifestation of thoughts," was being practiced by Christian

monks. In the fourth-century desert the

disciple's relationship to

an

monk was

to

was of paramount importance. Since the novice

elder

admit not only bad thoughts or actions but also whatever was occupying his mind, conversations with his mentor were, as one scholar writes, far

"more

inclusive than simply confession of sins ... or even

manifestation of conscience in the It

was believed that

modern

in revealing his thoughts the novice

and defuse harmful

able to penetrate

sense."

illusions

would be

concerning the

self.

As

the elder, by virtue of long experience in the practice of discernment,

was considered more able than the beneficial

and what was harmful to

was regarded

as a grave error.

disciple to

determine what was

his soul, holding

The demon of acedia,

back any thought as

it

hind other thoughts, particularly pride and anger, was

young monk

vere temptation, encouraging the scrutiny.

But the price of acquiescing was

attention a callousness of spirit

mean

heart in the

full

would

easily hid be-

felt

to

to shield himself

steep:

arise, creating in

the

life

to another

God, with no obsessive concentration on the

member that are,

it

.

.

.

in-

monk

a

sense of the word, both petty and cruel.

was about opening up: of self

with one's abba.

se-

from

through slothful

The Benedictine monk Columba Stewart comments whole

be a

self or

that "the

and of the

on the

relationship

Perhaps another way to understand this

was the commitment

which disposed the

this required stripping

monk

self to

is

to re-

to truth, to seeing things as they

for contemplation of God,"

away "the mask of

fantasies

and that

and projections

about [oneself]." The relationship of elder and disciple was of necessity

founded on

a

profound

trust,

not just in one's monastic confreres

136

ACEDIA but also in God, and

purpose was

its

ME

&

therapeutic than pastoral.

less

Stewart notes that "the elder, far from being a center of power and a served in his or her transparence to divine light as a lens

'director,'

which focuses the heart."

light

selflessly

good

use.

of any religion

taught that

know

he would also come to

faiths,

is

a

two

and put

to deflect our egocentricity it,

"[The] Buddha, Confucius,

and all the Hebrew prophets from Amos to

sin, hate, alienation,

be conquered by

erosity

self,

As Karl Menninger puts

Lao-tze, Socrates, Zeno,

other

of his true

loving God.

One purpose to

disciple's

The hope was that as the novice learned to spurn his selfish and

egotistical self in favor

it

of truth on the dark places in the

aggression

—

call it

what you will

Jesus

—could

love." In the Christian spiritual tradition, as in

many

requisite qualities of that other-directed love are gen-

and humility. "What God does

writes the Carmelite

Ruth Burrows.

light or suffering, tends to

in us always

"All that

produces humility,"

comes from

self,

be

de-

it

boost the ego." She regards any authentic

ligious experience as entailing "a slow,

demanding

generosity,"

re-

one that

does not short-circuit within us but flows outward naturally, until what

we

believe

becomes what we do. The thrust of many

self-help authors,

however, seems to be to assure people that the ultimate goal of their spiritual practice

The

who

sets

is

to reveal

what good and deserving people they are.

Cistercian Gail Fitzpatrick gives a stern warning to anyone

out on a spiritual pilgrimage seeking only affirmation.

the very nature of the desert," she writes, "to introduce the

element of the wild. Those counter with

all

that

is

who

seek

its

as the gift of

untamed and unregenerate

our merciful God,

137

monk to its

peace find instead a raw enin their hearts."

how to

love

results, Fitzpatrick says, in

our

This revelation, understood both as a difficult training in

and

"It is

KATHLEEN NORRIS learning that

we engender compassion not through our

through our

common weakness.

This

is

not a popular point of view, but

wisdom

that monastic

one of the many ways

it is

contradicts the cherished yet largely solipsistic

dogmas of the contemporary age. The for example, said that "of

all evil

prompting to follow your own honest

strengths, but

self- reflection is

desert

monk Isidore the

suggestions, the

most

heart." What a refreshing

not as easy as

we would

like

it

Priest,

terrible

is

the

reminder that

to be,

and that

pursuing what we most desire might not be good for us or those

around

us. In the

monastic frame of reference, being suspicious of our

motives need not

mean indulging in self-loathing or unnecessary guilt,

for

God

has provided us with everything

we need

bad thoughts and temptations. The corresponding thoughts, are always at our disposal. "virtues

doctrine of sin.

No one

pride, acedia.

is

our

good

Evagrius asserts that us,

but they do

elucidating an all-but-forgotten aspect of the

is

The bad thoughts come to everyone at one time or anis

exempt from anger,

Our

job

is

make our way through greed

virtues, or

do not prevent the demons from assaulting

preserve us guiltless," he

other.

When

to cope with

jealousy, greed, gluttony, lust,

not to deny them or run from them, but to

on

to the virtue

the other side.

The

virtue of

a fearlessness concerning one's future needs that translates

into sharing

what one has

that can endure

all

at present. Lust's virtue

things. Acedia's virtue

is

is

a self-giving love

a caring expressed in

thoughtful and timely acts that enhance our relationship with others. Evagrius notes that the

demon

of acedia manipulates both our

presumption and our despair, puffing us up with thoughts of the great accomplishments we will make and then crushing us when our fall

short of expectations.

We may be 138

left

feeling that

efforts

we have gained

ACEDIA

ME

&

nothing and that we were idiots to have attempted anything in the place.

Our only remedy

[to] exalt

then, he writes,

the mercies of Christ."

is,

"as far as

The Catechism of the

also links acedia with arrogance, providing a

we

are able,

Catholic Church

key to understanding the

psychological dynamics of the vice. "Painful as discouragement states, "it is

by their

The humble

the reverse of presumption.

distress;

it

them to

leads

trust

more, to hold

Humility has always been a staple of monastic bility

of

But modern

spirit.

lack of constancy

and

life is

trust. In

life,

we adopt

fast in constancy."

together with a sta-

marked by

good or

from Abba Poemen's response

in the right.

to the question

replied, "Always to accuse [oneself]."

It is

a

a disproportionate

self-regard that does not allow us to perceive as sanity the early refusal to see themselves as

is," it

are not surprised

increasingly unstable,

defense

first

monks'

We are likely to recoil

"What

is

integrity?"

He

important to recognize that

he and other monks were suggesting that people become not doormats wallowing in self-abnegation, but individuals with a tion of their place in the world. These in order to give

up the

instinctive

realistic

percep-

monks were also well aware that

impulse toward

person needed a healthy self-regard in the

self-justification, a

first place.

This

is

a subtle

point, yet a critical one.

The advice person

is

to

blame oneself assumes, a scholar has written,

already "anchored in [an] essential disposition which puts

[one] at peace with God."

Thus "there

being blamed and accused

is

in

is

guilt- complex, since the

me may show

to

its

me

a confident face

world but inwardly is plagued by fears and compulsions, and

mains blind arises

no

no way the authentic me, the deep me,

but the apparent me." This superficial to the

that a

true condition. All too often,

it

harbors an acedia that

from unacknowledged anger and manifests

139

re-

as passive-aggressive

— KATHLEEN NORRIS behavior. Evagrius believed that acedia in

.

.

does not perceive the meaning of his temptation and as a result

.

fights against

standing" in

without understanding."

it

my

and

false.

even though free I

And I

I

am

often "without under-

attempt to navigate the dense thickets of

thoughts and bad. When ish

most dangerous form de-

from a lack of self-knowledge, " [coming] into being when some-

rived

one

its

it is

know

I

my good

am mired in acedia, enthusiasm seems fool-

no easy matter

spurn the comforts of pride

to

that only a proper

and balanced

self-respect can

me to love myself as I am, and also better respect and love others.

am slow to respond to my heart's wisdom, although I know that any-

thing less I

is

deadly. So,

struggle.

I

have to watch for passive-aggressive tendencies in myself,

membering that

interior

freedom

is

one

thing, but to disdain to act

—

out of pride, indifference, or contempt the temptation to remain a spectator

What I most

hate about

when to

retreat, to

vernacular, is

pletely,

I

I

reflection appears,

also in

ren

I

I

resist

self,

knowing

in waiting out a storm. In the current

out,"

I

may need

only as a means of change.

die inside. If

have to

my soul, is how selfish they make me. By

hunker down

may need "time

effective

I

when I need to become involved.

do not mean observing the basic care of the

I

coon

quite another.

my own neuroses, and the foul mood of ace-

dia that too frequently afflicts "selfish"

re-

to

If

I

"cocoon " But a co-

withdraw too com-

get so close to the pool of Narcissus that

must break the

spell

and trust

in other people,

my and

my need for them. When self-consciousness traps me in a bar-

self- absorption,

myself so that

From

I

am

I

must try another way of seeing, and

more, not

try to forget

less, fulfilled.

the fourth century on,

monks have recognized

that people

have both physical and spiritual ailments for which there are both

140

ACEDIA physical

and

spiritual remedies.

But the modern mind-set has been

slow to value that earlier insight. At

word meaning "to hold

ME

&

root, therapy derives

its

up and down the

seen doing nothing city gates,

when

streets

when

the

Therapy

The word plete,"

more

and

is

we

roll

and inadvertently

comes from

word than

a

therapy.

word meaning

fear of

"entire" or

"comit is

a

While many people are helped by

many

like

benefited from occasional counseling but have received spiritual practices

our

wholeness. For that reason

suspect that there are also

I

fuel

also

not the same as healing.

signifies a restoration to

psychotherapy,

the

out the support groups and

And often therapy does some good. Yet it can

healing

"holistic"

said to have

is

army of Philip of Macedon stormed

feed our sense of self-importance, futility.

who

of Corinth in a cask so he would not be

trouble strikes

counseling sessions.

a

up, to support." Therapy gives us the satisfac-

tion of being useful. Like the philosopher Diogenes, rolled

from

such as prayer and

lectio divina,

me who

have

more help from

or holy reading.

Perhaps the most radical aspect of the psychology of the desert monastics is

the extent to which they believed that Scripture itself had the

power

to heal. In

the early

monks

The Word

in the Desert, his

study of how thoroughly

integrated Scripture into their

lives,

Douglas Burton-

Christie notes that they regarded these "sacred texts [as] inherently

powerful, a source of holiness, with a capacity to transform their

lives."

Appreciating this monastic perspective on the Bible means aban-

doning the modern tendency to regard tellectual study, or as a

or liberal.

The

it

as primarily

handy adjunct to our ideology, be

desert father

who expounds on

meditating on Scripture by observing, "Even the

an object of in-

meaning of the words we

are saying,

141

if

when

it

conservative

the inherent value of

we do not understand

the

demons hear them,

KATHLEEN NORRIS What

they take fright and go away," insults our intelligence. us, if

we

to retain

the

relinquish our intellectual comprehension? Isn't

more

Word I

control than that?

of God as these

monks

Maybe

not,

if

we want

it

is left

to

necessary

to experience

did, as "a living force within them."

need the words of Scripture because of the challenges they bring,

and because what

I

find in

them

can find nowhere

I

else.

I

need

also

the monastic version of self-knowledge that finds expression in the

vow of conversatio morum.

Benedictine

morals, but in spirit with," ceive

which

it

signifies a willingness to

one meaning of

is

my essential human

fail far

my ways

more

expected.

A

I

is

to receive

it

me

to per-

am, even

I

and action

to

what

is

as

good. That

succeed does not discourage me;

is

it is

to

a pointed reminder that

only, life

we

are,

I

I

be

and not

reli-

but also to

af-

"Deliver us from the

to this Table for solace only,

and not

for

for renewal."

without psychotherapy, but not without con-

promises to help

knowledge and adept

talk,

become something more:

pardon

can imagine a

versatio, for

asks

my behavior so that I might more fully

communion

presumption of coming

I

The vow

intended not only to confirm us as

firm our desire to

strength; for

keep "living together

prayer employed in the Episcopal Church before people

come forward gious faith

of thought,

often than

conversatio.

a conversion of

is

task as living with myself as

continue to confront myself and

conform

Literally this

me

distinguish between fruitful self-

sterile self-consciousness.

I

might

also

between truth and

at spotting the difference

become more sincerity. Self-

consciousness feeds on sincerity, and both have attained cult status in

America. In the current political climate, as Wilde's contention that sincerity

is

cere religious beliefs of a few have

if

giving credence to Oscar

the worst vice of the fanatic, the sin-

trumped even some

142

basic tenets of

"

ACEDIA But

science.

Henri de Lubac reminds

as

Truth which frees

inmost

slavery.

ME

&

us,

because

it

us, "It

transforms us.

To seek sincerity above

all

not

is

sincerity,

away from our

tears us

It

things

it is

perhaps, at bottom,

is

not to want to be transformed."

Acedia, Depression, and Vocation, Revisited

I

find

revealing that acedia

it

depression tics

what acne one

Also, as

As one Benedictine

not.

is

is

a given of monastic

is still

sister

puts

it,

acedia

to adolescents: unfair, inopportune,

monk comments,

it

can leave permanent

life,

is

and

to

whereas

monas-

inevitable.

scars.

Monastic

people compare the onset of acedia to a marathoner's "hitting the wall." Like a runner, the will

not take him

monk can all

rely

the way.

on endurance

An

really all

go off a

frauds,

cliff,

and

I

off,

or

more

ized

it's

it

an

enthusiasm of a

accurately, drops off. "People as,

'I'm a fraud, you're

the monastery as a refuge for the passive-

on community

life

can be devas-

Cistercian Michael Casey characterizes acedia as "an

inability to identify

apart from

extent, but

have to get out of here.'

aggressive, but the effects of acedia

The

initial

and their despair is expressed

Monks may joke about

tating.

some

abbot has commented that

awful change to witness in a person, once the

monastic vocation wears

to

it. It is

with the group and a strong inclination to stand

not open rebellion," he

says, "since

it is

character-

by a lack of energy." Monastic communities have considerable ex-

pertise in recognizing acedia,

the vice

is

and any director of novices knows that

expressed in both physical and psychological symptoms,

A

and can lead

to

monk might

demonstrate a sullen and resentful laziness toward his

extreme behavior

at either

143

end of the spectrum.

KATHLEEN NORRIS assigned

work

as well as the daily chore of meditative reading.

might push himself too hard in these areas to demonstrate

Contrarily, he that

he is more committed than his brothers. A nun may willfully ignore

her

sisters,

or she might obsess in her efforts to care for them, almost

preying on those in need. Acedia, because

monastic

life

it

can tempt people to

flee

the

altogether or to pursue an impossibly ascetic regimen,

presents a challenge to Benedict's concern with maintaining a healthy balance. Perhaps this

was on

his

mind when he placed

instructions for the observance of Lent. a

While he

a warning in his

states that "the life

of

monk ought to be a continuous Lent" (Rule 49: 1 ), he insists that each

monk obtain the approval of the abbot for his extra Lenten practice. This helps the

monk avoid a secret laziness or "presumption and vainglory"

(49:9) in taking

courtesy, that

on extreme

monks

feats

of piety. Benedict also asks for basic

take care that "no brother

is

so apathetic as to

waste time or engage in idle talk in neglect of his reading and so not only

harm himself but I

also distract others" (48:18).

recognize myself in one aspect of acedia that Evagrius detected

monk who is "quick to undertake a service, but considers his own

in the

satisfaction to

church,

it is

make me

be a precept." All too often when

because

feel

good

Yet often the tasks

most need a call

I

feel like

it: I

don't particularly

to perform.

One

from God or from

test to

my ego

is

volunteer for a job at

have the time, and

in every sense of the I

I

word,

to ask

whether

would rather not do, or feel incapable of doing well.

my best course may be to

set

the

wrong things

this

to

in trying to

do good things in

I

am

something

is

I

the case,

do the job.

wrong spirit, and

do good, discernment

144

I

receiving

If either is

a

will

be the ones

my feelings aside and try to

As acedia can tempt people all

to

determine whether

it

and virtuous.

fulfilled

want turn out

know

I

is

of prime im-

— ACEDIA portance. In one monastery

know

I

ME

&

of, a

novice became disillusioned

within a few weeks of his entrance. His romantic notion of the monastic life

the

had been shattered when he found

World

Series during recreation.

for

about a

year,

but

parting shot was to

The

finally

director of novices

he

that. "But,"

said,

"he

For contemporary the

same

bear to

commented

is

said,

the halls, anything to get

When

from

had

acedia, the cure

When

a

monk

to go."

is

much

says, "I can't

way for the next forty years of my life," the answer is still

one abbot has

it

right about

reasons, so he

need be concerned only with today.

Sometimes

on

to leave. His

was probably

wrong

suffering

stayed

were a bunch of reprobates.

that he

right for the

monks

discussing

The young man

grew so angry that he decided

as in the fourth-century desert.

live this

that he labor,"

things.

his fellows that they

tell

monks

He had thought that they would

—be speaking only of holy

and should

his fellow

helps

them

"I

recommend

physical

"woodworking, gardening, even mopping

them out of to

know

that closed circle of the

that we've

all

been through

he has suspected serious depression, discernment

is

self.

this."

a concern:

"Doctors have some twenty indicators to use in diagnosing depression,

and

I

don't hesitate to refer a

But

as

monk to them if it seems

an increasing number of school

districts,

likely to help."

health clinics, and

corporations employ such psychological checklists, they become subject to misuse.

One

psychiatrist, the lead

author of a recently pub-

lished study suggesting that estimates of the

suffering

more

numbers of Americans

from depression are about twenty-five percent too high,

concedes that as "larger and larger numbers of people are reporting

symptoms [on these lists]," researchers have "no way to know whether we're finding normal sadness response or real depression."

It is

a tough

dilemma: another researcher comments that while "we do need to be

145

KATHLEEN NORRIS very careful not to overdiagnose a normal response to loss and a disorder," these checklists have identified

call

and helped many people

it

in

need of treatment.

Sometimes the rious illness

Magazine

is

distinction

dition as clearly

se-

A neurosurgeon quoted in the New York Times

obvious.

article

between a situational depression and

"A Depression Switch?" described one

patient's con-

run amok." The

woman had a

due

to "a neural circuit

job she loved, and enjoyed a good relationship with her husband and children, but

had experienced the sudden onset of a severe emotional

numbness. She

lost all sense

of connection, and ordinary acts that had

once given her pleasure, such meals,

as deciding

became exhausting, requiring

what

wear and preparing

to

great effort

and

will.

Her condi-

tion proved stubbornly resistant to antidepressant medication

and

counseling, and her physicians considered but rejected electroconvulsive therapy.

One

doctor explained that "these therapies usually ease

rather than cure depression while sometimes bringing side effects like

insomnia or

memory

loss,

The neurosurgeon was

and

their

Parkinsons.

It

employ

called in to

brain stimulation, or DBS, that

potency often proves

is

fleeting."

a technique called deep

used also in the treatment of

involves implanting electrodes in a particular section of

the brain and "sending in a steady stream of low voltage from a pace-

maker

in the chest/' This treatment

able to enjoy her

worked, and the

life.

In contrast, consider the middle-aged atrist as

woman was again

man described by his psychi-

having no "major depression that required medication" but only

a "chronic dissatisfaction."

Having been

received substantial understanding noted, "they often aren't

in therapy for

and empathy,

many years, he had but, as the doctor

enough to get patients to change, let alone grow."

146

ACEDIA He

ME

&

suspected that the therapy's main effect had been to allow the

to "maintain his status as a victim of a troubled history.

And

something" that "he was loath to surrender." In the course of life

the

a living,

and remained dependent on parents

The doctor proposed

resented. six

a job

commensurate with

told the doctor,

in

cannot

cian.

in

he deeply

no more

but

I

final session, the patient

think you helped me."

I

can look arises

at

my life

and

and external

where the trouble

see

out of nowhere, as

were, emerging

it

my inner depths without warning, and without any reason that I

can determine. Also,

I

nice,

At their

find that depression generally has an identifiable

coming from. But acedia

ment

whom

a course of treatment lasting

his abilities.

"You weren't

cause that acedia lacks.

from

his adult

months, a move out of the parental home, and the obtaining of

than

is

was

man had refused to apply his talents and advanced education

making

I

this

man

I

have found that depression

ways that acedia fail

Acedia

to notice is

more

is

amenable

not. Depression will disrupt

is

and take

subtle,

to treat-

my life so that

action, consulting a counselor or physi-

and when

erable practice of spiritual discernment

it

is

wells

up

in

me, only the ven-

of much use.

From the fourth

century on, this process has meant attempting to determine

how one

bad thought begets another, and how they interconnect. The ancient

monks saw acedia hid

itself

as the

worst of the thoughts because

it

so effectively

behind other vices and mocked any attempt to sort out the

A

root causes of distress.

contemporary psychologist, Solomon

Schimmel, comments that "we tion between a deadly vice will often reveal

it.

ing and purpose in

and

Anomie, life, is

may its

not

at first recognize the

connec-

indirect effects, but a deeper probing

for example, the despair of finding

mean-

traceable in part to the materialism of greed,

the spiritual apathy of sloth, and the narcissism of pride."

147

KATHLEEN NORRIS my depression

If it

discernible cause than acedia,

can also be more vague. Questions of accountability that do not

when I am depressed

are essential to dealing with acedia, for

duty or obligation that

ally linked to a specific

For

this

reason

it

different ways.

me, but

isolate

When

I

am

were not, and sometimes

jecting not only

I

usu-

it is

am tempted to

will seek to relieve

depressed

I

just being out

my symptoms. With

viate

I

arise

refuse.

also has a broader social implication that depression

Both tend to

lacks.

I

more

often has a

acedia

I

can often

am more

what other people may have

function as

still

among other

my isolation in

people will

if

I

alle-

conscious of willfully reto offer

me but also what

can offer them. The Libertine, a film about the seventeenth-century

poet John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester, brilliantly of acedia. Johnny

Depp

he has

he might apply in the

gifts that

spheres.

plays

Wilmot

as a

illustrates this aspect

man who

is

well aware that

artistic, social,

and

political

He responds by engaging in a thoroughly dissolute life, drink-

ing and whoring until he succumbs to syphilis at the age of thirtythree.

The only passions he

and an equally cruel

if

minded of the helpful

exhibits are, appropriately, a fierce anger

colder ennui.

distinction that

When

I

saw the film

Thomas Merton makes

ing Cassian's differentiation between acedia

more from

comes from

insidious: a

much

it is

was

regard-

social life"

"a lack of peace with others." But acedia

"the sadness, the disgust with

deeper source

—our

re-

and sadness. Merton

comments that the "sadness caused by adversity and trial in generally

I

life,

is

far

which comes

inability to get along with ourselves,

our disunion with God" Disgust with

when

life

often has to

bad thought of acedia

the

great pain.

do with the

life

one has chosen, and

attacks one's very identity,

it

causes

The Benedictine monk Gabriel Bunge has noted that doubts

ACEDIA

&

about the validity of one's vocation

may

ME start small,

and only slowly

creep into the consciousness. But "with the passage of time [they]

erode one's inner certainty,

may correspond

to

like

constant dripping on a stone." This

what psychiatry observes

of episodes of severe depression, and soul, let

and an increased

alone stable

—

are

its

as the cumulative effect

effects

—the numbing of the

inability to conceive of ever being

no doubt

happy again,

similar.

Writers often doubt their vocation and find themselves in droughts that, unlike the

normal rhythm of arid seasons and more productive

ones, can cause unnatural silences. Joan Acocella observes that "writer's

block"

is

a

modern phenomenon, the result of a change

of artistic inspiration. "Before," she

states, "writers

in perceptions

regarded what they

did as a rational, purposeful activity which they controlled. By contrast, the early Romantics

came

magically, conferred," their best

youth,

to see poetry as

and were convinced

who "begin

became known

in gladness,"

and

would produce

but "thereof come in the end despon-

Later, Acocella points out, the

for not writing at

ing from both acedia and despair

entry from 1804: "Yesterday was

I

as if

he

may

have been suffer-

when he lamented

my Birth Day. ... So

whole year passed, with scarcely the ...

French Symbolists

all.

Another poet, Coleridge, sounds

Shame

that they

externally,

work in their early years. Wordsworth spoke of poets in their

dency and madness."

a

something

fruits

in a

notebook

completely has

of a month.

O Sorrow and

have done nothing!" For young writers the pressure of

having to make a living can diminish their ability to concentrate on the

work

that matters

fear that they

most

to

them, while older writers sometimes

have used up their material and have

little left

to offer.

Writers are also blocked by alcoholism, but Acocella reports that ther-

ms

KATHLEEN NORRIS apists

who work

with them are finding that

and exercising more.

It is

good

to

some

Acocella finds that patients' attitudes

levels, so

are drinking less

am

not alone in this

that

my blood

regard. If exercise will keep both

tonin at medically acceptable

know

many I

cholesterol

much

my sero-

and

the better.

practitioners are baffled by their writer

toward therapy. One expressed disappointment

that his patients so rarely

wanted

practical help with a range of

They had sought

to discuss their art.

mundane

issues, including "noisy chil-

dren [and] obtuse reviewers. And, once [the doctor] helped them deal with these matters, they quit treatment."

prised by what

I

suspect

many

artists

The

was sur-

therapist

would take

for granted, that

they "didn't care what underlay their creative function. They just

wanted to

to get

back to

it,

as long as

me, and thoroughly sane. To

century analyst

who

marked

had "never seen

that he

it

lasted."

Edmund

This seems reasonable

Bergler, the twentieth-

coined the term "writer's block," and once

reply: That's all right.

I

am

a normal' writer,"

not certain

I

I

re-

can honestly

have ever seen a "normal"

psychoanalyst.

A

crucial distinction

former implies a certain the latter

it

between depression and acedia

level

that the

of anguish over one's condition, while in

remains a matter of indifference. But

difference to the vagaries of experience hasn't really

is

it is

an unearned

and emotion, because one

endured them. Acedia will always take the path of least

and attempt

that

makes of us. To combat acedia Evagrius recommends a

to go around, rather than through, the

and dispassionate observation of our thoughts

as they arise:

re-

demands

sistance life

in-

close

What

are

they?

How do

to us?

Which are the most troublesome or resistant? Monks have always

they appear, and in what order?

150

What do

they suggest

ACEDIA insisted that

consider

we can

how we

in fact think

are to act

&

ME

about our thoughts and

feelings,

and

on them.

This traditional practice of observing one's thoughts as they arise, and, as one Benedictine describes sisting them," bears a striking

it,

"laying

them

out, rather than re-

new technique

resemblance to a

nitive therapy, a "behavioral activation" treatment in

"acknowledge their thoughts and feelings as they ment, and then

let

them

in the latter part of

a nail.

The

As the demons

go."

Here we are not so

which patients

arise,

without judg-

from what Evagrius,

Praktikos, describes as driving a nail out with

assault us

by means of our thoughts, he

by the same means that we can

it is

far

in cog-

weapons against them. You might,

asserts,

fight back, turning their

own

for example, drive out thoughts of

vainglory with thoughts of humility, thoughts of greed or lust with

thoughts of temperance. Where the

monk would

attempt to place "a

psalm or a prayer alongside the thought" and thus seek

to redirect his

focus toward God, a therapist might ask us to determine

how our neg-

ative

thoughts promote negative actions. The desire to shun a social

event that might expose us to pain, for example, can put us in a

ward

we

spiral, as

can bring. In

down-

are also rejecting the pleasure that social interaction

this case the best advice

might be to stop thinking

alto-

gether and just go to the event.

The

goal of ancient

and contemporary methods

alike

the vicious cycle of persistent thoughts. Wise insights into

is

to break

how

such

thoughts emerge and develop in us are found in both monastic sayings

and medieval

writings. In

description of

how

"The Parson's

Tale,"

Chaucer gives a potent

acedia starts in mere laziness and develops into

full-fledged despondency.

dread of taking any action

The

desire to avoid hardship

at all,

becomes the

and particularly of beginning

151

to

do

KATHLEEN NORRIS any good thing. Soon we despair, not only of our

we grow

of the mercy of God. As careless,

we come

more

ever

own

efforts

sluggish, negligent,

to a "dull coldness that freezes the heart"

at acedia's threshold.

The medievalist

but also

and

and

arrive

Wenzel notes that while

Siegfried

mystics such as John of the Cross speak of a "spiritual dryness" and

"impasse" that share with acedia "such symptoms as the absence of devotion, a feeling of being abandoned by God, depression, inner bitterness, [and] coldness," acedia goes even further, in that the cold

dark do not disturb suffered

was

The

us.

by Mother Teresa

recently reported fifty-year crisis of faith

illustrates this distinction.

Her inner torment

intense, but the struggle itself implies that she envisioned

thing better. This

is

and

some-

best defined as a classic "dark night of the soul,"

not a succumbing to acedia. For Evagrius

it is

acedia "alone of

all

the [bad] thoughts" that

"an entangled struggle of hate and desire. For the

whatever

is

in front of

him and

desires

what

is

not rein in this thought and the depredations in Evagrius's vivid phrase, the playthings of

able to distinguish between

it

one hates

listless

not there." brings,

is

If

we

can-

we become,

our demons, no longer

what will enhance our

destroy us. "Like an irrational beast," he writes,

lives

we

and what will

find ourselves

"dragged by desire and beat from behind by hate." As always, however, there

is

a remedy,

and

it is

close at hand.

"Endurance cures

and so does everything done with much care and Evagrius's concluding admonition spiritual director

might

is

advise: "Set a

exactly

measure

thing that you do, and don't turn from goal."

But he also exhorts us to "pray

it

a

fear of

God."

contemporary

for yourself in every-

until you've reached that

intelligently,"

that "the spirit of listlessness will flee."

152

what

listlessness,

and with

fervor, so

ix.

A

Silent Despair

The Living Water Punahou School does reunions

in a big way. In early June every year,

alumni come to Honolulu from

all

bration with receptions at beach

homes for each reunion

on-campus,

made possible by the volunteer efforts

of a large

all-class luau.

This

is

over the world for a four-day celeclass,

plus an

number of alumni who live in Hawai'i, having returned after

obtaining college and professional degrees on the mainland. For years

my

excuse for not attending the reunion was that South Dakota's

weather

at its best in June,

is

Honolulu,

it

would be

and

in winter.

if I

But

could afford one trip a year to I

was

few close friends in high school, I was often

also afraid.

ill-at-ease

While

I

had a

among my peers.

And at Punahou the social savagery that teenagers must generally contend with

Hawaiian in 1841

is

greatly

history. It

compounded by

was founded by the missionary Hiram Bingham

on land donated

the wives of King

the school's unique position in

at the

urging of

Kamehameha

I.

Queen Ka'ahumanu, one of

The school

originally educated the

children of missionaries and of the alii, or Hawaiian nobility, this

day

many

and

to

students are descended from those families as well as

KATHLEEN NORRIS from the American entrepreneurs, ranchers

who

and Scottish

British ship captains,

settled in the islands in the 1800s, often

Hawaiian royalty and establishing what are

marrying into

now the state's most promi-

nent commercial and cultural institutions.

Over the years the student population

at

Punahou has reflected the

ever-shifting status of immigrant groups in Hawai'i, to the

middle

class

as they rise

begin sending their children to private schools.

Only after World War II did Punahou abandon mission of Oriental students. school in rural

which

Oahu

its

quota system for ad-

A friend who transferred

from a public

in the early 1950s felt as if she

had stepped

through the looking-glass, from an environment where most students

had been Chinese,

Filipino, or

Hawaiian, to one in which, as a Chinese-

American, she was in a distinct minority. Coming from I

didn't find

thing, the

it

odd

that so

many of my

Illinois in 1959,

classmates were white. If any-

group appeared diverse to me, with a substantial number

of Chinese-Americans, and also

Japanese-Americans.

I

was slow

many to

Sansei, or third-generation

comprehend the

change that their presence represented,

as

great societal

my classmates included the

grandchildren of plantation owners alongside those of the Japanese borers

who had been brought

While the

to Hawai'i to

work

la-

their fields.

social standing of one's parents inevitably factors into

the competitive atmosphere of any college preparatory school, at

Punahou the variables of status are positively byzantine.

It

did not take

me long to realize that the family names of many of my classmates were embedded

in Hawai'i as the

names of corporations,

streets, parks,

and neighborhoods. Bright students with a

lesser

pedigree are welcome at Punahou, but they can be treated badly.

When

buildings, beaches,

my brother was

a senior in 1961, he

154

hoped

to

go to

Yale,

but was ad-

ACEDIA

ME

&

vised by school counselors that he was "not Yale material."

me that the school refused to

from the 1970s told to Stanford,

send his transcripts

presumably in order to secure the placement of less aca-

demically solid graduates

who had

Some of my peers, through

better social connections.

the force of their personalities,

aged to break through the formidable social barriers. fervescent daughter of a military officer,

junior year, disturbed the status ing squad. I

I

learned to

I

come my way

in

attend, to see whether

I

reject,

could

had not been

I

not

well with me, either.

whether

am

still

let

success, as

paying the price, for

and became

far

too good at

it; I

things that might have I

decided to

go of some of that old baggage.

I

reg-

a "Celebration of the Arts" to

be

evening, including a "Meet the Authors"

first

event.

I

reunion approached,

and soon received notice of

held on the reunion's

It

retreat.

my fortieth

As

life.

the ef-

joined our class during

many of the good

have declined to accept even

to question

girl,

admired her determination and applauded her

in feeling rejected,

sit

who

One

man-

quo by being voted onto the cheerlead-

was incapable of anything but

istered,

A graduate

invited, I

and while

this

did not surprise me,

it

did

didn't have the energy to be angry, or even

my exclusion was a matter of ignorance or intent.

may have been an open

event for which

that old feeling of being left out

I

had

failed to register.

had surfaced, and

I

But

recognized that

I

faced a spiritual challenge.

The Gospel passage which Jesus those

who

says,

for the

Sunday before the reunion was one

in

"Those who are well have no need of a physician, but

are sick"

(Matthew 9:12). Hearing this made

me realize that

who my classmates were, all those years ago, and who they had become was between them and God. story in

Matthew

is

of a

I

was the one

in

need of healing. The

woman who has suffered from a hemorrhage 155

KATHLEEN NORRIS for twelve years, a condition that has

made

her a social outcast. As she

reaches out to touch the fringe of Jesus' cloak, believing that this will heal her, he turns to her

and

"Take heart, daughter; your

says,

faith has

made you well." As my own particular hemorrhage had lasted for forty years,

I

thought

could heal

it.

likely that Jesus Christ

it

So

I

pondered, and prayed, and on Thursday evening

dragged Jesus off to celebrate the

been

was now the only one who

arts at

I

Punahou. He has no doubt

in stranger places.

The event was held

at the

new Case Middle

School, built with a

major donation from Punahou graduate Steve Case, cofounder of AOL.

As people gathered

for the presentation of class gifts,

I

wandered alone

through the literary display and found a large table with books from the school library by alumni authors. Barack Obama's

and

several scholarly, beautifully illustrated

and fauna. There was a book on dog of local

stories

interest,

in

there,

works on Hawaii's

flora

many novels and

short

astrology,

and one novel set

memoir was

Maine.

I

saw one of William

Ouchi's books on business management, and an anthology edited by a friend,

Denby

Fawcett, of essays

by her and other

women who had

served as war correspondents in Vietnam.

There must have been well over a hundred books, but none of mine. "It does not matter," my monk

spirit rose to tell

me, and

I

recalled

the emphasis that the ancients gave to being able to accept praise insult

with equanimity.

turned to

leave,

I

I'll

never get there, but

spotted one of

I

can

try.

stranger.

was

As

I

far

Then, as

I

my books peeking out from the pile,

a long-out-of-print poetry volume, Little Girls in Church.

loud; this

and

too weird to be hurtful.

And soon

I

laughed out

things got even

slipped into a crowded multipurpose room, a

member

of a class from the 1940s, a well-known local businessman, was present-

156

ACEDIA

ME

&

ing a check to the school president. Representatives of other reunion classes

spoke in turn, and when 1965's turn came,

hear the class representative

my

call

name, and

amounting

to

more than $120,000 and asked

who had

Punahou

that evening, but

blessed

when

it is

I

to pose for

doubtless contributed

received

more than

much more

$1.5 million

art exhibits,

drifted over the large lanais.

book

I

as gifts. This

is

doubly

who had written a chilBon dances held

in this way.

was turning out

I

had given

several copies of the

to be not such a

bad evening

after

and her husband.

encountered a former editor of the school literary magazine, Ka

Ola,

Ka wai

who reminded me

ola

means "the

water of life." As

I

that

I

had published

living water"

walked home,

I

nificent flower

known

on the

as a

admired the night-blooming cereus

A light

rain

full,

fell,

mag-

other-

Hawaiian blessing.

Emma Summer

deposited

Hiram Bingham, in

school's lava rock wall.

The next evening,

Queen

my first poem there.

but evokes something more: "the

hedge, originally planted in 1836 by Mrs.

wise

alumni

had noticed that one of the

decided, after a pleasant conversation with her

also

Wai

its

summer in Buddhist temples. Her family is now Christian but still

honors Buddhist ancestors

I

I

Hawaiian music performed

dren's story about her family's participation in the

all, I

from

than

unexpected.

authors slated to be signing books was a friend

each

photos with

received something, too. Hospitality

As I wandered through the

by alumni

my late arrival. In

was handed the edge of a blown-up posterboard check

I

several classmates to the fund.

startled to

to be hustled to the

microphone by another classmate who had noticed a giddy swirl,

was

I

my

class

held a

Palace in lush

BYOB

Nu'uanu

cocktail party at the Valley.

Upon

arrival

I

my offering, a bottle of single-malt scotch, at the bar; this de157

KATHLEEN NORRIS lighted call

some former

and freed

football players,

which boy on the team once

ing with people that night,

I

me

called

found

a

me from

trying to re-

my

face. In talk-

dog

to

several classmates

who had

not

been back to Hawai'i since our graduation, and an impressive number

who had been ers to

by Punahou's

inspired

become English

fine English

and history teach-

and historians themselves. Many of

professors

who had

us had fond memories of a teacher

history course into something important

turned his required

and formative.

things remained the same. Several former cheerleaders, energetic,

were amiable, while others looked

Our

other planet.

aristocrats,

now

Socially,

still

art

some

alarmingly

me as if I were from an-

at

full-blown society matrons, well

maintained and impeccably groomed, mostly kept to themselves and their kind.

The

had become

rest

of us milled around them, discovering

as adults.

football player

One man, whom

I

who we

vaguely remembered as a

and wrestler, was now a hospice

social worker. Another,

the independently wealthy scion of a prominent family, proved to be just the

same

as

he was

humored. Several

as a teenager:

women who,

East Coast colleges,

like

unassuming, easygoing, good-

me, had gone from Punahou to

compared notes on our

recalled a sleepover that

I

hosted

late

had reserved an oceanfront cabin

culture shock.

our senior

year,

Two friends

when my father

at a military recreation area

divine view of the deeply scored Ko'olau

Cliffs.

with a

We reveled in the mem-

ory of our 1960s selves singing "Blowin in the Wind" on the beach at

dawn.

A memorial service for deceased classmates was scheduled for the next afternoon.

A woman

I

had known since we were bused

with other military dependents,

to school

who is now an ordained minister, had

158

— ACEDIA asked

me to do

known

a reading. She

had chosen "Love

as "the love chapter":

ME

&

it is

irritable or resentful;

not

but rejoices in the truth." vent

me from

It

does not

on

insist

is

its

not

own

does not rejoice in wrongdoing,

it

it

would pre-

needing to hate any of these people again. Our service

pond and spring

lily

name. (Puna means "spring of water," and hou

ceased classmate's

pond.

popularly

13,

kind; love

is

gladly assented, praying that

I

was held out of doors, by the its

Corinthians

patient; love

is

envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.

way;

1

name was

One alumnus,

read,

we

that give

Punahou

"new") As each de-

is

scattered

vanda orchids over the

up

he recalled a classmate

a surgeon, teared

as

who had recently died of cancer. He said that as he listened to the Bible reading, he realized that for him, she

We moved on woman who had attendee.

to a raucous

had epitomized

photo

session,

that kind of love.

and then the

luau.

A

graduated in the 1920s was honored as the oldest

Two members of

the class of 1930, one a neighbor of

my

mother's, cheerful and spry despite a recent bout with pneumonia,

were also honored. Other awards were presented, and speeches given that

we barely heard

and the

over the din of conversation.

was great

after-luau party

who had been an

demonstrated that she

still

had

all

A classmate, now an

fun.

airline "stewardess"

when

—

that

on

if

you

as

some

can't figure

this plane.

down

flight attendants

out

that

term was in vogue,

to the exit lights,

riff

and

probably wish they could

how the seat belt works, we don't want you

Her display inspired one of our Hawaiian

comic genius, to do a

attorney,

the moves, doing the ritual dance

of pointing up to overhead bins and

commenting

The food was good,

on King Kamehameha

I

as

an

classmates, a airline pilot,

giving tourists his version of Hawaiian history as he steers

159

them over

KATHLEEN NORRIS the island chain.

me, and while the school,

I

on.

When

sponses, from disbelieving that ?"

more

I'll

never have an easy relationship with

at peace.

my classmates

said that

I

lingering resentment got belly-laughed out of

suspect that

I

felt

Several of

Any

it

asked

me what I was

was a book about

knowing laughter and

sloth,

currently working

heard a range of

I

re-

offers to contribute material to a

and accusatory "What could you possibly know about

The woman who asked

this

moved on before I could

reply with

anything more than ineffectual mumbling. But she had touched on

When we

knew each

was a grind, always

something

vital.

handing

my papers on time, acing English class. I

in

to speak of.

last

Over the past decade,

books of poetry and nonfiction,

I

as

I

other,

I

had no

social life

had churned out a number of

appeared on the surface to be any-

thing but slothful. But acedia, as sloth's spiritual manifestation,

and

ceptively contradictory, its

a compulsive productivity can

is

de-

be one of

masks.

Acedia

coming

first

my unknown and unnamed companion. To defeat it I learned

to keep busy. seize

came to me on the proving ground of adolescence, be-

me,

I

To forgo the despair that seemed ready

plunged into prodigious reading and writing.

a studied aloofness as a refusal to suffer pain

were created to

and

care,

also a refusal to love.

but that does not

mean

to a maladjusted teenager, caring can

my teens

and explored

I

also

adopted

way of easing pain, not comprehending

is

my vocation

It

may be

that

seem

it

like

that a

that people

comes

naturally,

weakness. As

as a writer, acedia

and

to surface

I

left

urged another

deadly misapprehension on me, the romantic notion that freedom consists of a lack of obligation.

The idea

that a true artist stands alone,

unaccountable to anyone but herself and her

160

art,

was

attractive to

me,

ACEDIA but

was being pulled

I

sists

another direction, toward a religion that in-

in

on the human need

ME

&

for

community.

The Sickness unto Death whether religion held

As

a teenager beginning to ask

for

me, I found Soren Kierkegaard.

and Trembling and The

It

was

life's

answers

wrong for me to read Fear

all

Death many years before

Sickness unto

en-

I

countered his sources, including the early Christian theologians, but that

what

is

furtively,

clarity

I

on the buses

would

absorbed

did. Kierkegaard's prose

from time

strike

me

that brought

me

as

read him,

I

and from school.

to

to time, only to

be

lost if

I

of

Bits

gazed for a

moment out the window. If someone had asked me to summarize what I

had

just read,

it

would have been

like

asking

me

to

summarize

a

roller-coaster ride.

The bite of Kierkegaard's sarcasm was scorn for the complacent Christians of his state- authorized

church.

accessible to

own

me,

as

his

day, stupefied in their

admired the boldness of his claim

I

was

to

both a

philosophical and an imaginative license, his calling Fear and Trembling a "Dialectical Lyric," for example,

viously a dig at the

"little

and

his insertion of a

mermaid" of

his sentimental

merman and

far

(ob-

more

popular contemporary Hans Christian Andersen) into a serious discussion of the story of

Abraham and

Kierkegaard's bold proclamations spair

is

personality's

tailed expositions. like a laser

I

doubt"

Isaac.

— "Doubt

— even

if

I

had

was deeply attracted

through the

to the

thought's despair; de-

way his keen vision

cut

me to read that "to be un-

spirit is precisely

161

is

difficulty following his de-

superficial. It thrilled

aware of being defined as

loved the confidence of

I

what despair

is."

That

I

KATHLEEN NORRIS may have had

football stars

and cheerleaders

in

mind

is

far less signif-

icant than Kierkegaard's insistence that beneath our temporal satisfactions, "deep,

deep within the most secret hiding place of happiness

there dwells also anxiety, which lighted

me

at fifteen,

and

still

is

metaphor

despair." In a

instructs

me when am I

that de-

faced with the

onset of a despondency whose causes are not easy to discern,

Kierkegaard compares despair to "the

troll in

appears through a crevice no one can see

more

spiritual

it is,

the

more urgent

it is

the fairy story [who] dis-

So

it is

to dwell in

with despair, the

an externality be-

hind which no one would ordinarily think of looking for But the question remains:

it."

Why Kierkegaard, that sly and most ex-

acting of thinkers, for an adolescent with a spotty understanding of

Christian tradition and a constitutional incapacity for philosophical rigor? Kierkegaard could rely sics

and

a

on

his solid education in the

wide range of theologians.

I

was an

illiterate

who had de-

who acknowledged that despair

often arises out of a fervent desire for the good. But what was

of the whirling dervish of Kierkegaard's prose?

How

could

Despair

is

this sickness (despair)," for instance,

to

to

I

hope

made my

to

Under

"Infinitude's is

to

Lack

struggle with algebra

easy.

In Kierkegaardian terms,

the

lists:

Lack Finitude" and "Finitude's Despair

Infinitude." Trying to cope with this

seem

he

make

I

follow his dazzling array of categories, his atomized language?

"forms of

clas-

by comparison.

Kierkegaard had read, in the original, the early Christians fined despair as sin, as well as Aquinas,

Greek

Dane because

it

deep and personal

I

gave up on algebra but persisted with

was both absurd and necessary

affinity that

I

to

do

so. I felt a

could neither explain nor deny.

If

Soren Kierkegaard was an unlikely companion for a dreamy adolescent

162

ACEDIA girl in

ME

&

Honolulu during the 1960s, he was

also a kindred soul. Like

he had inherited a melancholic temperament, along with a of the comic element in even the most painful turns of

he harbored a hidden

he

self that

me,

lively sense

life.

Like me,

would never be accepted or

felt

understood by others. Kierkegaard could conceal his melancholy by applying what he termed his "gift of dialectical

while

clarity,"

I

relied

on

the synthetic powers of metaphor and poetry, but the results were similar:

a divided

self,

which could appear

and quite another in the world. From

to

be one person on the page

early childhood, in misguided at-

my passions to other children,

tempts to communicate

I

had frequently

encountered what Kierkegaard describes as the "sadness of having

understood something true

— and then of only seeing oneself mis

understood." Feeling fated to be alone

and

adolescents,

it

lends

itself to

But when one's otherness

a

common sentiment among

an unwarranted sense of superiority.

repeatedly borne out in experience, an-

is

other dynamic takes hold, and Kierkegaard, famously,

is

life

choices are

made

accordingly. For

was the decision not to marry, or

it

in his journal, the curse of "never to

and inwardly join themselves

to me."

be allowed to I

let

an early

age, that

riage or childbearing. as a sensible

would not have expressed

do

I

as

saw

I

I

and

cause

it

did

come

to

to

much

a matter of choice

my peculiarities.

stance as one of precocious self- awareness.

have come to better comprehend acedia's grip on me,

understand

a free

regarded this not so

my

I

my

could have no expectation of either mar-

accommodation

For years

Only lately,

I

I

he wrote

anyone deeply

sense of aloneness with such encompassing finality, but believe, at

as

my adolescent

creative spirit

would sadden

I

was

self

more

fearful.

I

truly.

Beneath the facade of

was afraid

to

make my bed be-

me to have to do it again tomorrow. I was afraid 163

KATHLEEN NORRIS might demand too much of me. And

to risk relationships, because they I

was

especially afraid to consider

by an aunt's suicide

pregnancy and childbirth. Haunted

in the year that

I

was born

—she had given

birth

while she was a patient in a state mental hospital, and killed herself a

—

unconsciously adopted a defensive "prepartum" de-

few days

later

pression.

When one

I

is

running from a demon, the most dubious

tionalizations take hold,

and I assumed that I could avoid

depression by not bringing another mortal first place. I

life

a

ra-

postpartum

into the world in the

now know that what I had considered a realistic assessment

of myself as someone

who was not cut out for motherhood was, at least

in part, a surrender to acedia.

There clung to I

is

more

to that story, but

him for dear life I was

when

I

took up Kierkegaard and

searching for a

way to understand what

could not name, a personal confrontation with the noonday demon.

It is

good

to

know that even

right place, for Kierkegaard

in

my adolescent fog I was looking in the

was

a Protestant with

early Christian theology as a taproot that in the

provided nourishment

mid-nineteenth century. In an 1839 journal entry, he wrote that

he respected the "deep knowledge of early

still

an appreciation of

human

nature" that had led the

monks to include aridity and melancholy among the seven

sins. "That,"

he

stated, "is

what

my father called:

'a

deadly

silent despair."'

Despair and Possibility

My early reading (and misreading) of Kierkegaard did spur me to learn more about the history of acedia and The question of whether despair answered in various ways.

If

is

despair in the Western tradition.

a sin, a sickness, or both has been

the early

164

monks and medieval

theolo-

ACEDIA

&

ME

gians approached the subject with psychological subtlety, Martin

Luther did not hesitate to exhort a melancholy friend to fight

Given ive

his history of debilitating

temperament,

advice: self

"You must be

wrathfully

going to

.

.

.

and

live

no

it is

surprise to find Luther offering this bracing

'No matter This

it!

thoughts of the devil! To in the face of

despondency and notoriously combat-

and say

resolute, bid yourself defiance,

like

like hell.

hell

how is

unwilling you are to

what God wants.

with dying and death!'

.

.

.

.

.

.

live,

to your-

you

are

Begone, you

Grit your teeth

your thoughts, and for God's sake be more obstinate,

headstrong, and willful than the most stubborn peasant."

A century later, Luther's outburst may have struck the Renaissance humanist Robert Burton

as unseemly.

Writing in 1621, he spoke not

of the assaults of the devil but of the "anatomy of melancholy." Burton's stated

purpose

in devising this

"an ordinary disease," for ical

if it

"anatomy" was to reveal melancholy

as

could be shown to be caused by the phys-

"humours," a natural remedy might be found. As an Anglican

priest,

Burton did not discount the religious element

in the struggle

against despair. His seven-point prescription for healing includes ac-

knowledging that the source of our misery

comes from prayer.

Still,

a

God we approach by

his

work had

is sin,

and

that our help

the practice of repentance and

the effect of turning despair into sickness.

This coincided nicely with the eclipse of theology and the entific

methods

behavior.

The

as the best, if not only,

literary historian

rise

of

sci-

way of understanding human

Reinhard Kuhn speaks of the

late

Renaissance as a period in which an ennui arose "whose germs had lain

dormant

in acedia, the

monastic sickness," and entered a long, slow

process of secularization, becoming today's "nameless melancholy."

The Oxford

English Dictionary states that "in the Elizabethan

165

KATHLEEN NORRIS period and subsequently, the affectation of melancholy [became] a favourite pose

among those who made a claim to superior refinement."

To some extent

remains with us today. The psychiatrist

Kramer believes that "depression

Peter D. culosis

this attitude

is

was eighty or a hundred years ago

overtones."

The question

to

... a disease

lingers: Is despair a sin,

of one-upmanship on the sensitivity front? three guises.

The

knew

may be helpful

It

scholar

our culture what tuber-

or a case

have witnessed

it

in

all

Bringle notes that while Kierkegaard

word

hope," his native vocabulary

illness,

to regard the matter in another light.

Mary Louise

the Latin root of the

I

an

with spiritual

despair as "that

would have

which

is

opposed

to

offered another perspective.

Some Danish words reflect the sense that despair arises not out of a lack of hope but out of "a fundamental 'doubleness' or 'dividedness' in the

human

spirit."

As Kierkegaard places the individual

in a constant ten-

sion between "Finitude/Infinitude" and "Possibility/Necessity," he be-

comes less in his

a nineteenth-century person than a contemporary. Kramer,

book Against Depression,

calls

Kierkegaard "the meeting point"

between the ancient concept of melancholy and "the contemporary sense of personal identity." If Kierkegaard

Kramer terms "the exceptional man who art,"

is

a classic case of

what

translates his suffering into

he also "picks out an element of melancholy that has had special

meaning ever since, the alienated consciousness, always aware of its distance from authenticity, immediacy, and single-mindedness Kierkegaard's bold assertion that "purity of heart thing" inspired rejection of

me when I was young, and

in midlife

I

is

."

to will

one

appreciate his

both the romanticizing and the medicalizing of despair.

Kierkegaard valued the insight of the Christian ancients in

166

nam-

ACEDIA

ME

&

ing despair a sin, even as he presented a death," that

new term, "the

sickness unto

would so accurately describe contemporary humanity. Yet

even as we suffer from this malady, Kierkegaard maintains,

merely faints,

but also caught up in "the battle of faith"

ill

he writes, "we

call for water,

when someone wants

only salvation

word

Get

is:

... for

are not

When someone

eau de Cologne, smelling

to despair, then the

possibility, possibility is the

we

salts;

but

possibility, get

without possibility a

person seems unable to breathe."

Many years after I had found my desert monks, who also comprehended

Kierkegaard, not so

returned to

I

much to his phenomenology of despair, which still

my head spin, but to his journals, where I found him sound-

can make

ing like an ordinary,

from

with themselves,

faith as a constant battle

July 1835

if

remarkably perceptive,

moved me

so deeply that

I

human being. A passage

copied

it

into

my journal.

Describing a seacoast that was one of his favorite places, Kierkegaard

summons

I

the creation story in Genesis:

stood there one quiet evening as the sea struck up

with deep and calm solemnity

.

.

.

and the sea

the heavens, and the heavens to the sea. ... As

set I

its

song

bounds

to

stood there,

without that feeling of dejection and despondency which

makes

me

look upon myself as the enclitic of the

usually surround me,

makes

me into

and without that

men who

feeling of pride

which

—

the formative principle of a small circle

as

I

stood there alone and forsaken, and the power of the sea and the battle of the elements reminded ness,

me

of

my own

nothing-

and on the other hand the sure flight of the birds

167

recalled

KATHLEEN NORRIS Not

the words spoken by Christ:

ground without your Father: then

and small

a sparrow shall

once

all at

I

on the

fall

felt

how great

was; then did those two mighty forces, pride and

I

humility, happily unite in friendship.

Lucky

ment of

his

come

only

—

wedded

the

is

life;

to

man in

to

whom

whose

that

breast those

two

factors have not

an agreement but have joined hands and been

a marriage

which

is

neither a

manage de convenance

nor a mesalliance but a tranquil marriage of love held

most

secret

chamber of man's heart

He has found

archimedean point from which he could

As a teenager

mo-

possible at every

is

I

lift

.

in the .

.

that

the whole world.

was surrounded not by the waters off the rocky

Scandinavian coast but by the bright and variegated blues of the ocean off the island of Oahu. if I

was sometimes an

To employ Kierkegaard's grammatical metaphor, "enclitic,"

sophisticated friends even

if it

eager to attach myself to older,

meant

losing myself in the process,

could also be fiercely independent. While gladly entered the sea to surf, for

I

more I

many of my contemporaries

tended to stay onshore.

It

was enough

me to take in the scene, from mountain to ocean, and consider my

blessings: loving parents, a

few good friends, excellent teachers, and

singing in a lively church choir.

Most days, I would not have described

myself as unhappy but might have admitted to an underlying sense of

despondency. In an 1848 journal entry Kierkegaard writes of his despair: "I never, at

because

any moment, presume to say that there I

cannot see any. For

it is

is

no way out

must

for

God

despair and presumption to confuse

one's pittance of imagination with the possibility over

168

which God

dis-

ACEDIA poses."

who

Here Kierkegaard

ME

&

himself firmly with the early monks,

allies

recognized in despair the most vicious and self-defeating temp-

tation of all, that of losing trust in God's providence

and love. They also

valued humility as a tool for maintaining hope. While today the word humility may connote a placid servility in the face of mistreatment,

and

Latin origins suggest strength

humus,

as in "earth."

its

The word comes from

fertility.

A humble person is one who accepts the paradox

of being both "great and small" and does not discount that hope which Kierkegaard terms "possibility." We

when our

lives

may look to physicians or therapists may pray the

go off track, or we

in a favorite novel.

But in a sense we are

want

good

to prepare a

soil in

all

psalms, or seek solace

seeking the same thing.

which grace can grow; we want

We

to re-

gard the cracks and fissures in ourselves with fresh eyes, so that they

might be revealed not merely as the cause or the symptom of our misery but also as places where the light of promise shines through.

When thing,

possibility bursts like grace into

we might,

in a hazelnut

that be?"

is

twenties,

I

changing every-

and declare that "all will be well." The question "How can

one that we can put

and potions, and

Although

lives,

of Norwich, envision the world contained

like Julian

But we might ask whether pies

our

this serenity

also

was helped by

and

I

why

it is

and

I

that

we

usually settle for

my

early

several occasions

from

when

on

less.

I

was

in

have found therapy to be of limited usefulness,

short of mystery, by which

I

is

not, because

it

consistently

falls

mean a profound simplicity that allows for

paradox and poetry. In therapy

and

joy.

not the end of all our thera-

benefited

constrained in ways that religion

nations, causes,

is

experience a profound

a Jungian analyst

my husband

marriage counseling,

we

off, as

I

am

likely to

be searching for expla-

definitions, information that will help

169

me change

KATHLEEN NORRIS my behavior in healthful ways. But wisdom is the goal of spiritual seekand

ing,

it is

home.

religion's true

Mystery penetrates the Bible

stories that intrigued

me

as a child

and still offer sustenance: I pass through turbulent waters dry-shod and

am

led

by a

pillar

of cloud or

unexpectedly from rock. to

one day see

yond

If I

fire. I

am

refreshed by water that flows

now see through a glass, darkly, I can hope

face-to-face. Relying

my imagining, religion

on reason yet pointing to

always offers

can fully articulate or comprehend. alone: even Jesus transfigured

me

truths be-

something more than

I

And it makes me see that I am not

on the mountaintop required others

to

bear witness to what had happened to him. The disciples responded foolishly at

and with

first,

fear,

but their eyes had been opened to the

promise of beneficial change within themselves.

Baby's Breath

Our

inner transformations

may come upon

wind. But sometimes change seizes us by force.

shifts in the

prose of Soren Kierkegaard helped

an adolescent, ter

it

and happily

One

day, as

way

to the

If the

took just two words, "baby's breath," to give

settled in

David and

my I

dense

me to encompass my otherness

understanding of my middle-aged mother's

self. I

as

me a bet-

was long married by then,

hometown on

the Great Plains.

were driving through the grasslands on our

Bismarck airport, we were enjoying one of our treasured,

desultory conversations. couldn't

us like barely discernible

remember

ment, and David

the

A wedding we'd recently attended came up. name of

I

the smallest flowers in the arrange-

said, "Baby's breath."

The words had

a physical effect

170

on me,

stirring

something that

ACEDIA had been buried that

would be

I

we moved on day, in the tled

for years.

able to relate

Light."

could show

I

it

I

began writing

grew determined

I

was always

to her. Betty

me in

but as she moved into the

begin to lose you here." stand,

I

poem

ti-

to finish the

poem so

my

a perceptive reader of

many times. After

poem and murmured approvshe sighed and said, "I

last section,

had hoped against hope that the poem would

and when Betty spotted trouble I knew that this meant work. My

ending was year.

I

in earnest, a

this enthusiastic state

arrived at her apartment, she read the

ingly,

and the next

slept restlessly that night,

my way to New York, to visit my friend

was on

scribbled,

I

and she had seen

verse, I

I

realized

I

only in a poem. David understood, and

it

Minneapolis airport,

Betty Kray, and as I

struggled to articulate this,

I

to other topics.

"The Blue

that

As

ME

&

off,

and

just

how

far off

would take the poem from

Nothing would occur to me, and

I

would not know

folder

its

I'd set

force things; attempting to finish the

it

and look

aside.

poem

I

for well over a

for a

way to

fix

it.

had to be patient, not

me

too soon had gotten

into trouble in the first place.

The poem

is

about a

memory to which

an event that occurred when rious situation for

I

have very

was a prelingual

I

infant. This

someone who works with words. The

By the age of six months I had developed severe and was

critically

head from side to

little

ill.

When

I

lay in

side, as if that

tors at Providence Hospital in

my only hope, and wanted to

access, of

seems a cu-

story

is this:

infections in both ears

my hospital

crib,

I

would

my

roll

would ease the constant pain. The doc-

Washington, D.C.,

felt

that surgery

was

perform a double mastoidectomy to

re-

move infected portions of the bone behind each ear. But they knew that I

would need massive doses of antibiotics.

cillin

had been used successfully on

It

was 1948, and while peni-

soldiers during World

171

War II, it had

KATHLEEN NORRIS never been given to infants in such great quantities as

would

I

require.

My maternal grandfather, a physician, took a train from South Dakota, My

a three-day journey, to authorize this experimental treatment.

mother has

told

me

that

I

that the nurses could turn

grew so accustomed to the

me over, inject me

over again without waking

geon.

He took

a

volume from

The doctor

—

said

My poem

will to live.

People

ward

me

six years old, just beI

visited the sur-

and showed

me the

story

a tiny part of a medical revolu-

who

I

isn't it likely that

possible that

denied me? In the

shut a door that last

I

the words "baby's breath,"

had fought

I

I

I

will never

an

to stay alive as

infant.

know exactly what happened to me,

was attracted

would have

first

felt rejected,

draft of the

I

By ending

its

I

beauty?

even angry, when

poem, because the

right

it

And was

words

wanted them, I had resorted / still

moves me;

/

to

the anger

my poem with this convenient lie, I had

then had to work hard to open.

stanza originally began with

had declared: "You have see that

and

to that light

me alone, swimming laps in

a pool, the blue light of the water triggering

make me

in part because

for years.

it

"The love that moved me then

fear are gone."

The

had already heard from

had survived

believed

hadn't come, at least not as quickly as abstraction:

I

have come close to dying often describe being drawn to-

a tunnel of light.

isn't it

I

I

came because on hearing

had suddenly doubted that

and

was

something

parents and grandparents, that

had such a strong

but

I

and turn

now physicians treat childhood ear infections with antibiotics in-

stead of surgery.

my

When

his bookshelf

my early adventures as "Baby X"

tion;

I

up.

in the rear,

we moved from Washington, my mother and

fore

of

me

penicillin shots

I

my infant memory. Betty

to get out of that pool."

had implied

a drowning,

172

That was enough to

and possibly

a suicide,

ACEDIA which

I

did not intend.

the crux of

own, and

my

was many months before

It

problem.

I

had not survived

my poem needed other people in

Poems come together out of

see.

ME

&

my puzzle. The psalm away

souls melting

skill

was gone.

/

I

me

Then they cried to the Lord in

their

fed

me

working helplessly

world

/ 1

need

/

all

their

and he

res-

distress" (27-28).

limited in what they could do.

tor

was praying

in a wild storm, their

and nurses who had cared

were professionals with the expertise to save a

who

it

reeled like drunkards, for

realized that while the physicians

as "the nurse

and

of the massive waves and the sound of

at the sight

cued them from their

my reader could

me grasp another piece of

seamen caught

envisions

"They staggered,

the howling winds:

people

it,

my

on

in that hospital

diverse sources,

Psalm 107 in a monastery choir that helped

could determine

I

they were also

put them into the poem's

a bottle

with

/

I

life,

/

final version

through the operation,

his skill,"

all

for

adding that

"it

/

the doc-

was

their

learned to want," the world in which mistakes happen and our

knowledge can take us only so suggest that before

I

far. I

wanted

had the words

to

convey

to express

it, I

this,

and

also to

had been given

a

glimpse of heaven and then been tossed back into this painful, messy,

and uncertain thing perfect I

let

/

called

backs of angels

them

go."

Who

knows what

month-old can answer. ories of the hospital.

I

/

life.

The poem now concludes:

singed with

"really" saw?

It is clear,

me

That

If

the

my

heart pounding.

I

retained strong

Above

all, I

173

/

six-

mem-

motor noises and

Hoover vacuum with the

dark red bag and small headlight was in use,

room,

not a question a

is

a toddler, certain

unduly.

saw the

turned from them,

/ 1

however, that

When I was

harsh lights frightened

light:

"I

I

would

flee to

another

distrusted anyone dressed in

KATHLEEN NORRIS When my favorite babysitter, a neighbor, once came to the door

white.

in a white dress,

changed her

main

effect

threw such a tantrum that she went

I

clothes.

of

my

illness

having had to choose if I

Over the years

life

have come to suspect that the

and operation was

over death,

had entered childhood

I

I

home and

a deep-seated anger:

was enraged and

felt lost. It's as

as Dorothy, forced to live in

Kansas

after

being enchanted by Oz. This experience was locked within me, leaving

me a little

with, as

girl

my mother often

My strangeness emerged in many ways. dren do, but

when

vision of heaven

dark enough.

a teacher asked

said, sad I

and grown-up

loved to paint, as most chil-

me and my classmates to

quickly grew frustrated, because

I

And

even before

family's musical primer, Fireside

my

could read,

I

Book of Folk

I

favorite

Songs,

way

to

as "a-traveling

life

our loved ones

who

through

this

paint our

couldn't

was "I

make

song in

it

my

Am a Poor

Wayfaring Stranger." With a dirgelike melody and mournful

song envisions

eyes.

lyrics,

the

world of woe," on our

have already crossed over to a world with

"no sickness, toil, or danger." I must have been a spooky child, warbling the words in

my high-pitched voice: "I'm just a-going over Jordan, I'm

just a-going over

This 1960s,

I

is

what

home." I

carried within

me as, in Honolulu, in the turbulent

entered adolescence, what the adults around

dening habit of proclaiming as "the best years of your could not be, but had not I

did

know

that

it, I

from the time

I

was an infant I

and

if I

mad-

knew this

had been

set

on

a

My feet had been set on

was often dejected and

174

I

had language with which

had been made aware of death.

a pilgrim way,

life." I

a

much vision of what "the best" might entail.

quirky and lonely path. Far too soon, before to express

me had

feeling utterly alone,

ACEDIA was

that

all right.

I

&

ME come when my

could only hope that a time would

skewed perspective would be of use.

was

I

in

my early forties the first time I visited an

for terminal patients. lines

was apprehensive,

I

as

I

oncology ward

was going

to the front

of a battle that our culture labors mightily to keep hidden, but

needed to

visit a friend.

apocalypse in the ering.

literal

did not expect that the ward would be an

I

sense of the

word

—an unmasking or uncov-

The intensity of misery was overwhelming, yet

or repel me, for as the elderly,

I

I

had entered holy ground. People

were shockingly

frail

did not frighten

it

my own age, as well

and needed support

just to totter

down the hall. Still, they were alive, and walking, saying their good-byes to friends, children,

and grandchildren. What struck

me was

that the

atmosphere was not merely one of sadness, but also one of beauty

deepened by the sobering

inevitability of death,

and blessed by the

presence of a vibrant love. While the relentless activity of New York City

surrounded

Only

life

us,

here everything unessential had been stripped away.

remained, a

gift

and

a joy

beyond our understanding.

I

had

arrived in the real world.

The Prayer You Don't Understand Anthony of the Desert once understand.

on It

a night

What

I

said that a true prayer

think of as the true prayer of

is

one you don't

my life came to me

when I was in my thirties, on retreat at a Benedictine abbey.

was well

after vespers,

of the Black Madonna. tion welled

up

in

I

and felt

I

was

sitting in a choir stall

near a statue

too tired to pray, but as a powerful emo-

me, words formed

175

in

my belly before

they reached

KATHLEEN NORRIS my brain. When

came

they finally

not hold them back: I want

Whether

to bear a child

to

—

I

did not intend them and could

—

know motherhood

was a question

I

why had it seized hold of me now? A mat-

and

ter

thought closed was suddenly an open

effectively set aside;

"known,"

at fifteen, that

that this conviction

More than

ties?

I

I

was not meant

wound

to

be a mother?

I

fearful of the bodily

to admit,

motherhood.

I

My

itself,

and of the manifold

woman, in turn,

I

feel

M.

Cioran, could casu-

inclined to

kill her. If the

how many thousands

scoundrels, of murderers will be

nihilist

"When-

child lives

of cripples, of

among them, how many will

perish

how many go mad. What a crime she commits against millions

of future wretches." As for myself, having sensed that tain grip life

re-

personal fears were supported by

pregnant women as "corpse-bearers," and a fictional

see a pregnant

in war,

it

had been

wanted

and begets others

have

How was

in Mikhail Artzybashev's novel Breaking-Point could declare,

ever

I

my twenties and thir-

the spirit of an age in which a philosopher, E. ally refer to

—how could

remained steady throughout

changes that pregnancy brings, of labor sponsibilities of

began to weep.

had decided many years be-

fore, I

I

on

life, I

I

had an uncer-

doubted that I had the moral courage to bring a new

into this world. But that

the past, or so

I

dilemma and decision had been

settled in

had thought. I had convinced myself that I was not the

mothering kind. I

remained

sitting in the choir stall for a

while and then went to

my room, and to bed, only to be awakened a few hours later by abdominal

cramps.

which the

My

menstrual period had begun

possibility of

motherhood was

photograph of my youngest

sister

—another month

lost to

me.

I

in

glanced at the

and her infant daughter

that

I

had

placed on the dresser mirror and noted that the child was wearing a red

176

ACEDIA dress

and an unaccountably wise expression.

juxtapositions that

hours, I

I

It is

poems come, and once I began

didn't stop until

it

was time

morning

for

termed myself "a useless woman," and

is

ME

&

in a cruel

how the world might judge any woman who

out of such odd

writing, in the

prayer. In the

wee

poem

and literal sense that

does not bear a child.

But the prayer, and the poem, had opened up the possibility of knowing

motherhood in other ways.

while blood flows in me, on.

I

poem

regard that

I

could be that while

It

can find ways to generate

answer to

as the first

Another answer came months

later,

I still

life,

have breath,

and

to pass

it

my prayer.

when

the baby in that photo-

graph was seventeen months old and had a bad case of chicken pox.

David and

I

companion

were in Honolulu for the winter, and

most of the

for

day, until her

work. The child was in a miserable

state,

I

became

my niece's

mother came home from

so restless that even

was on the verge of collapse she refused

to

lie

down.

I

when she

followed her

around the house, and when she dropped from sheer exhaustion,

would

next to her and try to nap as well.

lie

discomfort,

I

might ease

it

a bit,

If

I

couldn't take

I

away her

and be present when she woke.

I

read

her countless stories and fed her prodigious amounts of papaya and poi.

When she inevitably drooped over the food and fell asleep, I would

gently

her out of the high chair, wipe her face, and put her on the

lift

had prepared with a pillow and blanket. Each

sofa, in a place

I

noon, as

my niece over to my sister, I stood in awe of the every-

I

gave

after-

day perseverance of mothers. Christian theologians from Anthony to Augustine to Kierkegaard teach that prayer changes not

one who prays. motherhood. I

did not

I

I

had prayed

did not

know how to

for

God

something impossible:

to

but the

"know"

summon this prayer. It came precisely because ask for

it,

or even what to ask.

177

x.

The Quotidian Mysteries

A I first

Pilgrim's Progress

read John Bunyan's The Pilgrim's Progress

twenties, a

young woman

far

more

seventeenth-century novel gripped

awakened

a

aimless than

me

ways

in

dormant sense of conscience.

and was struck anew by

its

when I was in my early

I

The

I

cared to admit.

I

did not expect, and

recently reread the

book

psychological acuity. Early in his pilgrim-

age, the hero, Christian, stumbles into the

Slough of Despond, a

swamp

fouled by fears and doubts, where he struggles to maintain his footing.

His being there has one salubrious his true condition.

He

is

lost

effect:

he

and must pay

is

forced to acknowledge

close attention if he

reach firmer ground. As our pilgrim soldiers on, he meets a

full

is

to

range

of humanity: Mr. Talkative, Mr. Smooth-man, Mr. Facing-bothways,

Mr. Anything love,

(in

our

own day he would be Mr. Whatever), Mr. Money-

Lord Time-server, and a parson, Mr. Two-tongues. Christian walks

with Hopeful, the companion he has adopted, by the banks of a

When

they encounter adverse conditions, they find their

way

river.

diverg-

ing from the pleasant river road and are tempted toward By-path

Meadow, seeking a shortcut and an easier passage. What happens then

ACEDIA is

for

me

ME

&

and reminds

the heart of the story,

me

that

whenever

tempt to escape hardship and pain by taking what seems a I

only

make more

waters are too turbulent for

and

fall

safer route,

trouble for myself. Bunyan's pilgrims soon

seek shelter from a thunderstorm.

them

It is

growing dark, and the

to turn back.

They

at-

I

must river

find a small hut

asleep.

When

they awaken, they see that they are trespassers in the land

of Doubting Castle, ruled by a loutish giant

named

Despair,

and

his

cruel wife, Diffidence.

Upon

learning that her husband has beaten his

prisoners and chained

them

in his

them

The giant tells the pilgrims that "since they were never

to suicide.

like to

come out of

that place, their only

make an end of themselves life,

seeing

it is

only that he

dungeon, she suggests that he urge

'For why,' said he, 'should

attended with so

them

let

the giant that he

falls

go,

way would be forthwith

and

much

bitterness.' "

their innocent

into an apoplectic

fit

to

you choose

The pilgrims ask

presumption so enrages

and

is

powerless to admin-

another beating. Christian and Hopeful spend the night in anx-

ister

ious conversation, finally deciding to exercise

morning Despair "the bones

and

takes

them

more patience, but in the

to the castle-yard to see for themselves

skulls of those that [the giant] hast already dispatched."

The pilgrims spend another unhappy night, while Diffidence husband, lieve

"I fear

them or

.

.

.

that they live in

hope

that

some

that they have picklocks about them,

which they hope

to escape."

The

will

tells

come

her

to re-

by the means of

giant promises to search

them

in

the morning.

At daylight, the couple

is

awakened by an unaccustomed

noise, the

creaking open of the stubborn iron gate of the castle wall. Christian and

Hopeful have escaped, and paralyzed by another of his

179

rages, Despair

KATHLEEN NORRIS cannot go declared, I

after

them. In an epiphany just before dawn, Christian had

"What

a fool ...

am

thus to

I,

lie

dungeon, when

in a stinking

may as well walk at liberty." He has remembered that he has a key, called

Promise, that will open any lock in Doubting Castle. possession

When

all

I first

He

along.

arise

when

at

despair seems

has been in his

has only to recall this and put the key to use.

read this passage

continue to be amazed

It

it

delighted

me and

resonated deeply.

I

how the slightest hope, like a small breeze, will most

invincible.

The obstacles it has

path prove to be phantoms, and following a faint scent of fresh

set in

my

find

air, I

my way through the musty castle, run into the open, and inhale. But

this is

not the end of

found freedom, time

I

am

sess the

I

know

that

means of my

release.

"issue,"

help, being willing to ask for

strengthens

me

know

to

to determine

am bound

I

feeling beleaguered,

dilemma, demon, or

power

my journey, for even as I

it

will

The

tools are I

from a

recall that

many: naming

have recognized

that, as Evagrius points out, "it

up

call

my

affliction "sin" or "sickness" matters far less

resist

my need for

is

to us to decide if they are to linger within us."

admit that something

my

my illness,

It

not in our

whether we are disturbed by [the bad thoughts],

it is

I

pos-

I

friend, pastor, or physician.

but

once

my newThe next

again.

it

not be easy to

and once it,

to lose

taste

is

than what

wrong. Half the battle

inclination to acedia, to act as

though

I

Whether

is

won

do

I

if I

I

can

were a spectator

at

banquet.

life's

I

encountered The Pilgrim's Progress

looking

at life

moorings of

more than living it. I had

my

at a

time when

drifted

I

felt

that

away from the

I

was

religious

upbringing and was careening between a lack of

courage that prevented lessness bordering

on

me from exploring life's possibilities and a reckself-destruction, with casual drug-taking

180

and

ACEDIA even more casual

The poetry

I

sex. Naturally,

it

my job

to

at a

often was, could

was being asked to

I

managed

generally

thought of myself as sophisticated.

listened to as part of

stitution, as excellent as

behavior. If

I

ME

&

live a life

be deaf to the

call.

New York City arts

do nothing

to

change

in-

my

of purpose and meaning,

In her

I

poem "Annunciation,"

Denise Levertov suggests that the message the angel Gabriel brings to

Mary is one that comes to each of us. We receive an intimation of some purpose larger and more challenging than anything we have imagined for ourselves, but

when

too often those strange and risky times

all

roads of light and storm

open from darkness are turned

or a

wave of weakness,

and with

relief.

Ordinary

lives

woman

But the gates

in despair

continue.

God

as a

man

away from

in dread, in a

Even

in a

does not smite them.

close, the

pathway vanishes.

young woman

I

was good

at closing gates

pathways vanish with a satisfying sense of release. When

who would become my husband, and committed tionship,

not

at all

I

and watching I

met the man

myself to our

rela-

knew I was doing something scarily bold and new, but I was

prepared for the changes that would be wrought in us dur-

ing our thirty years together.

My marriage is the one thing I kept saying yes to, even when it hurt to

do

so,

and

motherhood,

in that sense

for

it is

it

was another answer to

through marriage that

181

I

my prayer to know

came to understand a bit

KATHLEEN NORRIS about labor pains, as suffering

willingly,

even gladly, for the sake of

something

much greater. The very nature of marriage means saying yes

before you

know what

the wedding ritual in that

will cost.

it

Though you may

all sincerity, it is

makes you married.

I

hope

say the "I do" of

the testing of that

that

have

will always

I

vow over time faith in the

giddy wonders of romance, but in considering what makes a marriage endure,

am

I

discipline,

likely to

employ such

ascetic

and unromantic terms

as

martyrdom, and obedience.

The words

discipline

and

disciple are

of course related; the former

suggests a teaching, the latter a person

who

give-and-take of married

person learns from the other,

life,

both become, individually, and ever be

on

their

of marriage. ogy,

one

is

ing point

as each

as a couple,

much more than they could

own. The word martyr proves

When

fruitful in the context

consulting Eric Partridge's Origins for

directed to memory. There is

willing to learn. In the

is

etymol-

its

one finds that the Greek

start-

martus, or "witness." Related words include the Latin

memor, "mindful," and the Old English murnan, "to

grieve." This

place to begin. To keep a romantic relationship alive, one

I

a

must be

mindful enough to recognize the danger signs of inattention and

My husband and

is

sloth.

were surprised that even in a small town, we could

become so busy with our own concerns that we easily lost sight of each other. Just to

fail

ference, or worse. it

to eat together

a regular basis

was

to court indif-

We would snap at each other without knowing why;

took an intentional "date" to

solve to

on

set things right again,

and

a

renewed

do more everyday things together. Over time we found

re-

that the

accumulation of shared experiences provided a storehouse of memory that helped us bear the worst of circumstances.

bad

in the present,

but

it

had not always been

182

Our situation might be

so. If

our memories gave

rise to grief

over what

&

we had

they also provided us with the

move on

strength necessary to

And what

ACEDIA

of obedience?

but suspect in people, and long were asked to rite.

Even

foil;

but

it

word for women, who for far too

to their

name of obedience,

But

I

in the

while others find

at its root, the

wedding

it

a conve-

A

word obey means

mutual obedience,

profound joy comes

in

knowing

that

is

I

"hear."

fundamental to

have been heard,

know me as I am. Such intimacy is a great

also contains the challenge of doing

single day, to maintain the relationship.

when

husbands

they can dominate their families while proclaiming them-

that another person cares to gift,

a loaded

listening in that sense, as

marriage.

usually regarded as desirable in dogs

It is

now some women tolerate criminal abuse of themselves and

selves "submissive" wives.

And

together, into an uncertain future.

vow obedience

their children in the

nient

is

lost,

ME

I

what

is

necessary, every

am reminded

of this truth

consider that one of the most consoling passages in Scripture

(from Lamentations 3:21-22), "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

/

his mercies never

ing," follows a

was

in

to find

it

an end: they are new every morn-

"I

am

one who has seen

affliction."

Rule for Beginners

my thirties when

was surprised

to

lament that begins,

A I

come

I

first

read the Rule of Saint Benedict, and

so helpful in understanding

my

married

life.

How could something written in the sixth century to outline a way of life

for celibate

monogamous

monks be of use relationship

someone attempting

to

some

fifteen

hundred years

to maintain a later? In the

opening paragraph of the prologue to his Rule, Benedict speaks of firmly embracing "the labor of obedience" as a

183

means of "[bringing]

KATHLEEN NORRIS you back

to

obedience."

him from I

was puzzled

What

context.

whom you had drifted through the sloth of disthat sloth

was placed so prominently

acedia it

had struggled with

I

was no surprise that

I

for

much

had found

it

was worth exploring. For

of

my life was a key to the

all,"

habit to maintain,

employs

it

to perfection." For

admit that "beginning"

if I

at the

is

me is

end of his Rule, characterizing it

deceptively simple:

that

not an easy

is

something

I

to regarding

monks

as a "little rule that

as professionals in holiness,

marriage or to a monastic community,

is

less

vowed

ginner, in our competitive culture, tinually vulnerable,

is

to

be a

"nothing

The beginner who bears

insults

and

life,

make quick

am

not

whether to

loser. It is to

remain con-

to endorse

Abba

is

so useful to the beginner as insults.

is

like a tree that is

watered every day."

Beginnings can be trying for anyone as goal-oriented as to

I

To be always a be-

and not many of us would care

Isaiah's assertion that

we

an accomplishment than

a pilgrimage for those willing to always start anew.

want

must do

may come as a shock for those accus-

necessarily comfortable with the idea that a

I

Rule,

many times a day. Yet I am encouraged by a phrase Benedict

have written for beginners." This

tomed

the

if

he writes, "every time you begin a good work, you must

pray to [God] to bring

every day,

un-

so attractive.

Benedict's suggestion for confronting sloth "First of

my very

did sloth have to do with obedience? But

ease signaled that Benedict's emphasis

in this

progress and

am

tempted,

I

am,

like Christian

for

and

Hopeful, to take shortcuts to that end. Patience and discipline are required to appreciate beginnings, and those are qualities

While

often lack.

my impatience can energize me to accomplish a great deal in the

course of a day, tilt, I

I

it

makes me susceptible to

acedia. If I

am not going full-

am likely to collapse. Impatience also spurs me to eat too rapidly, 184

ACEDIA

me here, every time a waiter looks at my

and the culture colludes with half-eaten plate ing,

and

but working as

asks, "Are

fast as

rushing through a meal, ing

my body

food.

I

I

you

can.

still

working on that?" Not enjoy-

The job

gets done,

both pleasure and the time

devour each

Because

begin again can ished

my

moment, deny-

needs to properly ingest

I

goal.

illusory forward

feel like failure. It

must be redone, and

resent being

movement, having

me that work

reminds

ture of all things, including myself: too,

it

at a cost, for in

moment distractedly, hurling myself into the next

impedes

it

but

lose the flavor of the present

I

moving toward the next imaginary

task,

I,

ME

&

I

thought

to

fin-

reminded of the transitory na-

when

dust,

I

I

am humbled, because

am dust. As a writer I must begin, again and again, at that most

am

terrifying of places, the blank page.

And

ways beginning again with prayer.

can never learn these things, once

and

for

all,

and then to

and master them.

start over.

I

person of

can only perform them,

I

Beginning requires that

I

faith

set

I

them

remain willing to

al-

aside,

act,

and

summon my hopes in the face of torpor. Above all, beginning again

means

rejecting that self-censurious spirit that will arise to scorn

efforts as futile.

Abba Poemen reminds us

time one begins something, and there

man

recognizes

it

for

what

it is,

to have "gained peace," yet in

a valuable lesson: to the end, but is

as a

Once

I

I

the

poems

I

is

it is

if

a

would not claim have learned

crucial that

I

seem

I

not rush

to stagnate.

imagery for the process of

what the word poet means

make and

there every

am for a time. I have to trust that change

dislike the use of birthing

"creation." "Maker"

I

is

passion, but

my struggles with acedia I

have started out,

remain where

no worse

he will gain peace."

working within me, even though I

is

that "accidie

my

the personae that

185

fill

at its

them

Greek

artistic

root,

and

are not creatures in

KATHLEEN NORRIS the fullest sense, having

life

and breath. But

I

do

detect in the

rhythms

of writing and not-writing a stage that might be described as "parturient." It often

happens that when daily life seems an inescapable and ap-

palling repetition,

of its

and

I

seem dead

an inner conviction comes,

inside,

own accord, telling me that what had seemed "dead time" was ac-

New writing then begins to

tually a period of gestation.

emerge.

Repetition, Again

And what faded,

of the "dead times" in a marriage,

and "happily ever

Lou Reed once said that glop." His ish

is

tests

the

ate,

well.

romance has

seems a cruel sham? The rock musician

repetition

was "fantastic," because

it

was "anti-

else

sound, yet the insight might apply to

repetitive

For repetition

spirit. It is

someone

the

an aesthetic concern for shunning the mushy and mawk-

by employing

marriage as

after"

when

easy to

fall

resists

the glop of sentiment, and also

in love over a

meal in a restaurant, where

does the cooking and the cleaning up;

much less love, the person who

it is

hard to

shares our kitchen, bath,

toler-

and bed.

How does repetition turn relationships stale and lifeless, so that a once beloved face becomes an object of scorn? What that

makes us

feel that

we

are wasting

dismiss our daily routines as

more than

sloth

is

mere

laziness

That repetition can be ered until

which

I

I

trivial,

is it

about repetitive acts

our time? Although

it is

these are not trivial questions, any

without spiritual consequence.

life-giving

is

not something

I

had consid-

experienced the most intense writing period of my

produced an

entire

easy to

volume of poetry

For some time poetry had been submerged in

in a matter of

in

months.

me as I worked on prose,

and I wondered whether I would ever write verse

186

life,

again, as yet another

ACEDIA

ME

&

prose project was on the horizon. But as soon as at the Collegeville Institute at Saint John's

liturgy, the

The hymns we sang and

we

my

great surprise

I

settled into residence

Abbey

began attending the daily monastic the psalms

I

recited

Minnesota and

in

poems came were

like

in a rush.

muses, and to

found myself writing nearly a poem a

day.

Even

more astonishing, they were coming out nearly whole, needing very little

revision.

I

had never encountered anything

that this great flow of energy

depressed.

It

did not happen.

would soon I

at

that the

had not counted on the power of rou-

My

joining the

repetition as a saving grace,

human need

way? The establish

it

for routine

is

we can

in

me so

basic relationships with people

and

one that keeps returndiscover in

no other

such that even homeless people

the best they can, walking the

same dumpsters, sleeping in the same

same

spots, in

places.

by means of repeating ordinary

streets,

foraging in the

an attempt to maintain

For any of

rituals

us, affluent or

and routines that we

enhance the relationships that nourish and sustain that

monks

work got done but did not overwhelm me.

ing us to essential understandings that

it is

feared

I

seven a.m., noon, five p.m., and seven p.m. stabilized

Could we regard

not,

and

on me, leaving me

backfire

tine to provide a protective scaffolding.

church

like this,

us.

A recent

study

monitored the daily habits of couples in order to determine what

produced good and

made

stable marriages revealed that only

a consistent difference,

spouse

at the

Bosch,

who

to matter

one

activity

and that was the embracing of one's

beginning and end of each day. Most surprising to Paul

wrote an

article

about the study, was that

whether or not in that

moment

"it

didn't

seem

the partners were fully en-

gaged or even sincere! Just a perfunctory peck on the cheek was enough to

make

a difference in the quality of the relationship." Bosch

187

com-

— KATHLEEN NORRIS ments, wisely, that this "should not surprise churchgoers. Whatever

you do repeatedly has the power you over into

a different person

to shape you, has the

—even

if

power

make

to

you're not totally 'engaged'

in every minute."

So

there.

So

much

for control, or even consciousness. Let's hear

for insincere, hurried kisses,

dwelling on the fact that for the I

words that

might

as well

I

and

my

more than

I

I

may be

—"Love you" or "Dear God"

be speaking in tongues, and maybe

it"

yawn.

my feet hurt, or nursing some petty slight. As

it is all

most cherished

whether I "get

a

am dutifully saying

that does not matter, for self

and prayers made with

it

I

am. And maybe

working toward the good, despite my-

intentions. Every day

and every

night,

or not, these "meaningless" words and actions signify

know. Repetition

honestly and fully human.

It

is

"anti-glop."

knows us

It

helps us to be

better than

more

we know ourselves.

Mysteries Great and Small Perhaps our most valuable mystics are those of the quotidian, people

who do

not contemplate holiness in isolation, or devote themselves to

the pursuit of spiritual arcana accessible only to a select few, or reach for illumination in serene silence. Instead, they search for filled

God in a life

with noise, the demands of other people, and duties that can

submerge the

and making

self.

They may be young parents juggling

a living, or

nuns

in a small

three or four hats because there are

child- rearing

community who have

to

wear

more jobs than people to fill them.

And they may find that whatever spiritual strength they have arises out of weariness and frustration. In an essay, the poet Kate Daniels writes of an evening in which she

tries to

make dinner as her children fret and 188

— ACEDIA argue, littering the table

the

and

ME

&

floor with scraps

dog overturns the kitchen garbage

from

can. Like her

she says, the children are "tired, overstimulated.

art projects,

and

and her husband,

The events of the day

are clamoring inside them." In the midst of this familiar but danger-

ously charged atmosphere, Daniels senses that they are

have if

all

all at risk:

"We

come home to each other to be healed and hailed, to be soothed

a victim, chastised

if

a perpetrator,

and morally realigned. But

...

we

lash out in irritation, frustration, anger." In the act of naming this sorry

truth she finds the courage to take a stand: "Try as I

I

—and

may

I

do

have a hard time browning the ground turkey I'm planning to mix

with canned spaghetti sauce for the glory of God is

here, but in the chaos

and the

noise,

I

can't

know that God

I

seem

to find him." Yet

she has: her faith has burst open her kitchen walls as surely as Christ burst through his tomb.

Daniels has seen that ily

it is

on an ordinary evening

in

love they are seeking, this ordinary fam-

an ordinary home.

they will have to try to find this love the next. This

is faith,

and

all

And if they are lucky,

over again the next night, and

also the obedience that the Benedictine

David Steindl-Rast has termed "an intensive listening," whose opposite is

to

the acedia that recognizes [its]

challenges

to pull us lives,

life's

absurdity but chooses to remain "deaf

and meaning." We may resist the drudgery that seems

away from what we vaingloriously perceive

but we are fools to do

prayer not as a control

so. If

we

mechanism or

to

be our "real"

are truly listening,

a duty

sent to hell. If we are too proud, bored, or

we

fulfill

so

we

will see

we won't be

numb to pray, we are already

in hell.

Steindl-Rast, echoing the masters of the Christian spiritual tradition, suggests that

we endeavor

to

"make everything we do

189

prayer."

KATHLEEN NORRIS This

we

is

no pious nostrum, but the acknowledgment

that

when we pray,

are not sending out orders expecting that they will be fulfilled.

Citing Dante's magnificent image at the conclusion of Paradiso, Steindl-Rast defines prayer as a quality of attention, the capacity to

attune yourself "to the the sun

life

of the world, to love, the force that moves

and the moon and the

stars."

Browning ground turkey while

your children are arguing in the kitchen, you to this great mystery, but

poets, mystics,

you

This

are.

and monks come

to

is

know very well,

order to recommit themselves to each

want

life

to have

not

feel

connected

the sort of thing that parents,

to be always beginners, setting yesterday's

We

may

if

they are willing

burdens behind them

new day.

meaning, and want to be

fulfilled,

and

hard to accept that we find these things by starting where we

where we would

like to be.

Our

No

less a saint

are,

and

.

.

not

tri-

than Therese of Lisieux admitted in her Story of a

Soul that Christ was most abundantly present to her not "during

hours of prayer

it is

greatest spiritual blessings are likely to

reveal themselves not in exotic settings but in everyday tasks als.

in

.

but rather in the midst of

my

my daily occupations"

(emphasis mine). The twentieth-century martyr Dietrich Bonhoeffer

wrote from the

illegal

seminary he had established in Nazi Germany:

"We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts He has in store for us, because

we do not

give thanks for daily gifts

entrust great things to one

the

little

who

will

How can God

not thankfully receive from

Him

things?"

One step toward that blessed receptivity for "the little things" is to discern which activities foster our spiritual freedom, and which do not.

I

cannot watch television, for example, and write a poem.

be inspired to pray by something

I

see

190

on

a

I

news program, but

might this

is

ACEDIA The

rare.

activities

I

find

ME

&

most compatible with contemplation and

writing are walking, baking bread, and washing dishes.

Donald

Hall's

theory that poetic meter originates in the steady, repet-

rhythm of arms and

itive

ditions

loosen

poet

like the

I

more than my

motion, and agree that walking con-

legs in

leg muscles; the instinctive

movements

also

my imagination. For me, bread-baking is a hands-on experience

of transformation. While the dough ing for transformations of my own.

moral realm; there are days when

it

is

rising

I

often

sit

and write, aim-

And in dishwashing, I approach the seems a miracle to be able to make

dirty things clean. I

may intellectually assent to the notion that such utilitarian chores

can open

my

heart to the world, and appreciate Gerard

Hopkins's observation that

but work. Smiting on an

"it is

anvil,

not only prayer that gives

Manley

God

glory

sawing a beam, whitewashing a wall,

To go

driving horses, sweeping, scouring

to

communion

worthily

gives

God great glory, but to take food in thankfulness and temperance

gives

Him glory too. To lift up the hands in prayer gives God glory, but

a

man with a dungfork in his hand, a woman with a sloppail, give Him

glory, too.

He is so great that all things give Him glory if you mean they

should." But

when

acedia

is

at

work

in

me,

it

takes

my

whole

know that, like Kate Daniels, or anyone else attempting to lationship through daily

trials, I will

have to "mean

it"

self to

sustain a re-

over and over,

every night and every morning, cleaning house, running errands, plaining and listening to complaint, tion they deserve.

It is all

and giving those

for the glory of

I

com-

love the atten-

God, and how we perform

those often dispiriting duties, from the changing of a baby's diaper to the bathing of an aged parent, reveals what kind of

That

faith

God we worship.

and love operate best through the humble means of

191

KATHLEEN NORRIS boring, everyday occupations its

we

a thoroughly biblical perspective, for

is

remind us that God's attention

stories repeatedly

regard as unimportant and unworthy.

The

is

fixed

on what

God

Scriptures depict

not as a Great Cosmic Cop, eager to catch us in minor transgressions,

but as a creator

who

loves us

circumstances of our

lives.

enough

We

to seek us in the

are asked to

freshed each day like dew-laden grass that

is

remember

most mundane that

we

are re-

"renewed in the morning"

(Psalms 90:5).

Or

inner nature

being renewed every day" (2 Corinthians 4:16). In

light,

is

in

more personal and

also theological terms:

"Our this

the apparently ludicrous attention to detail in Leviticus, where

God is involved in the minutiae of daily life, right down to cooking and cleaning,

might be seen instead

present to us in everything

This

from

is

the

God who

sleep, "I will bless

night direct

my

we

as the love of a

God who

desires to be

do.

inspires the psalmist to declare, as he

you, Lord, you give

heart" (Psalms 16:7). This

me is

counsel,

the

wakes

and even

God who

at

speaks

through the prophets, reminding us that by meeting the daily needs of the most vulnerable

day when

God

will

among

us

we prepare our

hearts to

put to rights our unjust world.

welcome the

Woven

together,

these threads of biblical narrative provide a revelation of God's love for all

creation, with each day offering the

cept

is

beautifully

summed up

promise of salvation. This con-

what Abba Poemen

in

another monk, Abba Pior: "Every day he

According to Genesis, self.

this

is

made

"And God

will

be revealed on the morrow.

ous

play,

and

after

God

new beginning."

no more than God has asked of him-

The creation was a daily process, and in

rator repeats at every verse,

a

said about

If

it

said," leaving

us to imagine what

seems a form of play,

speaks every

192

relating the story, the nar-

new bit of the world

it is

strenu-

into being,

ACEDIA he

lets it rest until

imals

come

the next morning.

honored

Not

into being, including the

image and thus are its

called to

creation.

ME

&

until the sixth

humans who

honor each day with

We may offer desperate

are

made

in God's

prayers, just as

God

utterances in the den or

the bathroom, or at tables around which our family

we can

day do the an-

is

squabbling, but

also resort to the "liturgy of the hours," the traditional daily

prayer of Christians that

observed in monasteries. At dawn,

is still

lauds reminds us of our need to renew, remember, and recommit our lives to their

proper purpose. Those

know what an sion

effort this

Noon

take stock as

prayer

we prepare

approaches, vespers

is

which dreams

compline

who

for the

are subject to depres-

of bed can be the greatest challenge

a time to briefly rest

is

"morning people"

are not

from our

labors,

and

demands of the afternoon. As sunset

a surrendering of contention, a willingness to

surrender the day, and in

can be, and those

know that simply getting out

of the day.

who

let

God bring on

will wrestle

invites us to

be

the quiet, brooding darkness

with and nurture our souls. Every night

like the

farmer of the Gospel parable, to

admit to the limitations of our consciousness, and submit to the realm of God: "The kingdom of the ground,

God

Our bodies a

society

as if

someone would

on

still

know how" (Mark 4:26-27).

reflect the diurnal

rhythms of creation, and sleep

fundament of mental and physical

we can

and another

stay

up

late,

health.

to get us going in the

PowerBar and

coffee at

Lama was

But in our modern

take one drug to help us sleep a few hours

morning.

freshing walk during our lunch hour, but are

the Dalai

scatter seed

and would sleep and rise night and day, and the seed would

sprout and grow, he does not

is still

is

We

more

might go for a likely to

cram

re-

in a

our desk, fighting drowsiness as we work. When

asked for advice about

193

how people could improve

KATHLEEN NORRIS he laughed and said that

their spiritual lives,

don't stay

fends us,

world.

up so

it

and

late,

may be

it is

woman

Kaua'i, because "there weren't

her hubris goes deep: she avidly courts

less,

is

so easy for us to lose our place in the

say that she didn't like the island of

enough

places to shop."

the sort of

consumer the

The tragedy of

tourist industry

by inserting generic shopping malls into breathtaking

tropical valleys.

around

was obvious: Eat

sleep more. If his realism shocks or even of-

because

once heard a

I

it

How is it that we can grow so insensitive to the world

us? Acedia

is

at

work in us when we prefer buying things to wit-

nessing the beauty of nature, "reading" catalogues instead of books, or lingering in a

museum

store instead of touring the

museum

These are not insignificant choices, for in making them we

itself.

risk losing

our capacity for wonder. When acedia has so thoroughly possessed

making life seem tention,

it

us,

so dull that only artificial stimulation can get our at-

may be

crazy to suggest that the ordinary rhythms of time,

the passing of day and night, have something to teach us, or that there is

a world to be revealed

failed,

and

it is

when the mall is closed, the electric power has

too dark to see anything but shadows and

back on our lonely, raw, and wounded is

at

Cast

we may find that nobody

home. If

has

selves,

stars.

its

monks have

always insisted that each hour of the day and night

own distinct message for us, the rapid pace of contemporary life

leads us to believe that

it is

anything but a nurturing

otherwise.

leisure. "I

We are "free," it

have so

little

seems, to have

time," goes the fre-

quently heard lament, which conveniently ignores the fact that every-

one

is

granted exactly the same twenty-four-hour round. As these

hours pass, we rush from one task to the next. To those who can't cope,

we

snarl,

"Get a

life."

But the question remains:

194

Do we use our time to

.

ACEDIA do we allow time

really live, or

woman

ME

&

to use us up?

ask, in all seriousness, at a tightly

remember hearing

I

scheduled conference:

have time to go to the bathroom?" She decided that she did, could take her BlackBerry with her into the could be posed only in a

fallen,

toilet stall.

a

"Do if

I

she

Her question

post-Genesis, world.

At Play Is it

for

not a good

jest that

when God

our disobedience in Eden,

it

gave us

work

to

do

as

punishment

was work that could never be

finished,

but only repeated, day in and day out, season upon season, year year?

another kind of joke that being rendered temporarily mind-

It is

less as

after

we

into play.

toil

can be a welcome invitation to forget

was once a

I

refilling plastic

and

teacher's aide at a kindergarten,

ber that one of the most popular

room. A few children

utility

at a

sites

and enter I

remem-

was a sink in a corner of the

time would take turns

filling,

class-

emptying, and

bowls and cups, watching bubbles form as they pressed

objects deeper into the sink or tried to get others to stay afloat. This privilege

was so highly regarded by the children that they took great

care not to abuse ers.

Whenever

I

it

by squirting water

resent having to

at

one another or

wash

dishes,

I

at their teach-

of

recall the faces

those children. I

often

fail at

templative in

converting drudgery into play, for even as the con-

me recognizes the sacred potential in the mundane task,

the busy go-getter resents the necessity of repeating

minds us repetition

that "repetition is

is reality,

and

it is

it.

Kierkegaard

the seriousness of

life

re-

.

.

the daily bread which satisfies with benediction." After

reading a story such as Peter Rabbit to a child,

195

how lovely it

is

to hear

KATHLEEN NORRIS a small voice

served a fice.

girl

"Look,

clerk at the

the

summon

the authority to say, "Read

Momma,

pennies, each of

that

of-

put

"Look,

Momma,"

until she

had found

floor, in a different location. it

girl

them "new."

may appreciate the innocent wisdom of children, but we are

must be done and redone, we

dium. But we can

from the

once ob-

Her mother, busy with the

a penny," she said.

expected to forgo indulging in such foolish games. As

work

I

window, mumbled an acknowledgment. The

penny back on the

Adults

again."

about four years old find a coin on the floor of a post

she said again, "I found another one!" She kept at five

it

still

be surprised.

I

feel

we approach

the dread weight of te-

have grasped poetic inspiration

common experience of doing housework in a distracted state,

finding myself at the foot of

my

basement

stairs,

with

little

idea of

what I was doing there, and no memory of having descended the steps.

My hands held clues, in several books, a

the

form of a piece or two of

dustpan and whisk broom, a box of crayons, a coffee

mug, and an old

plastic pitcher.

Operating in housewife mode,

conceived of a place, the "right place," for

ment, and

I

was about

events that had I

dirty clothing,

to set

them

all

knew it could be

otherwise.

the psychiatric ward, a

had

these items in the base-

there, in a finely

now slipped my mind. This

I

struck

tuned sequence of

me as comical, but

When my husband spent those weeks in

woman there, an abused wife, spoke of such an

event as the precipitating cause of her hospitalization. She had been cleaning house in a frenzy, to escape the next beating, an attempt she

knew to be futile. She stopped, suddenly, and stood in her basement for more than an stairs

hour, unable to move. She eventually crawled up the

and asked a neighbor

to call

an ambulance. Serious

play, indeed.

And what is the point of it all? Both housework and poetry require 196

ACEDIA

pull disparate things together, sort through the

that

I

life,

and

make

try to

a

whole that

But envisioning such wholeness

mented people

make

is

is

dissatisfaction that

narcissism.

sum

It is

the

of

its

parts.

we have

is

aim of advertising

makes us susceptible

to acedia

but treacherous

and

its

that the advertisements are

me, personally. So many pleasant

to

enough, or enough of

also engenders a low-level

How wonderful

pieces of my

increasingly countercultural, as frag-

us anxious, doubting that what It

odd

greater than the

are better consumers.

the best and latest stuff.

to

ME

&

handmaid, addressed

all

voices, speaking as if

were the

I

only person in the world, driving the only car on the road. Why should I

allow any other voices to interrupt

things

become

From my

spiritual

lofty

Thus

reverie?

do myself or

it is

that

mere

impedimenta.

perch on the status pole,

how am

I

democracy of the necessary and menial work

the pure ther

my

hire others to perform?

to

respond to

that

I

must

The word menial

ei-

derives a

word

has

come

from a Latin word meaning "dwelling" or "household." It is thus about connections, about family and household

ties.

That

may explain why in

this

country we con-

to

convey something

sistently

servile

pay garbage collectors

it

much more than those who care for our

precious infants and toddlers in day-care centers. Tending small chil-

dren was once done without remuneration in the confines of the home. Precisely because ture,

done

so vital,

and so

close to us, so

bound up with nur-

often considered to be of less importance than that

it is

which

is

in public.

It is

easy to imagine that by devaluing the bonds that connect us

to the everyday

our

it is

daily,

we can

bodily needs.

rise If

above them. But not one of us can escape

they were not vital to our spiritual as well as

our physical well-being, we would not live in

197

fear of being incapacitated

KATHLEEN NORRIS by

illness

or old age, and in need of assistance with activities

we once

could take for granted: eating, bathing, dressing. Like daily liturgy, such

work draws

its

meaning and value from

ing to have to always begin again.

repetition.

But

how

distress-

How playful, and yet how practical,

of Mary Magdalene to have harbored seven demons, one for each day of the week.

And how

difficult to

know and to love ourselves, the world, and one an-

in the first place: to

other.

John Bunyan

but now, although

hold in our hearts the reason that we labor

may have helped when I was young and heedless, I

share the medievalist Barbara

tance to "take even a day's journey into the savage icism,"

I

must turn

to the poet,

tion

wood of Dante crit-

had only begun. In daring

to

lost,"

view the

from the perspective of eternity, Dante asks us

and discovered

human

condi-

to witness to the

power of love. As love takes us on a harrowing journey, even to back,

reluc-

who was midway through his life when

he found himself "in dark woods, the right road that his journey

Newman's

hell

and

we may find the path arduous but remain convinced that it is the

only one worth taking.

I

am intrigued that Dante, like Aquinas before

him, discerns in the sin of sloth a refusal to do what love requires. Acedia renders us unable to

live

committed

to another person

the changes the relationship with that person

demands of us when

no longer offers the enticements of a new romance but has been by pain,

loss,

and the passage of time.

198

and

to it

scarred

a

The Noon

xi.

of Midlife

"How When I was

Is It

nearing

That We Choose

fifty,

the person

appeared. Like Eugene Ionesco,

metamorphosis

"a reverse

[in

who

I

to Sin

had thought myself

in a

which]

and Wither?"

memoir

became

I

still

be?"

Where was

when

was

I

first

I

I

knew

I

found

was, the person

the dutiful, deadline-driven

been an accomplished multitasker before grade

described midlife as

a caterpillar"

myself asking, "Whatever became of the person

must

to be dis-

girl,

I

who had

the word? In eighth

assigned a research paper requiring notes on

index cards and an outline, which were to be given to the teacher in advance,

I

panicked upon discovering that

line until

I

had written

to this weakness,

was

in order.

and in

occur to

me

to provide

worked

because

I

in

double time to pretend that everything

always had

the nights before that

I

who

an out-

a first draft of the paper. Instead of confessing

I

for

me

for years,

my papers done early, I was in great

my friends'

paid a price for this

would one day come due. "Lucinda,"

was unable

My hyperefficient system worked well

college,

demand on

I

I

think of the

papers were due.

way of working, girl in

It

did not

that the bill

Randy Newman's song

does everything expected of her, and after graduating

KATHLEEN NORRIS from high school

parties

night

all

on the beach.

In the early

she refuses to obey (or hear) another order, won't is

run over by a beach-sweeper.

now

fate;

move

morning

a muscle,

and

used to laugh over Lucinda and her

I

can identify with her. Being flattened by a beach-cleaning

I

machine? In finding a suitable metaphor for midlife, one could

do worse. I

am

my friend

consoled anew by

young monks contend with

lust,

Evagrius,

who

notes that while

or the impulse to pull others toward

them, the middle-aged have to fight the desire to push others away. As the

young

elders are

Columba Stewart contends

much more

sire."

experience, their

tempted to grow angry and regretful over experience thwarted

or denied. as a

more

struggle with a raging appetite for

serious

and

that Evagrius regarded aversion

problem

"larger

.

.

.

than misdirected de-

Either might be seen, Stewart adds, as "a flammable gas that can

be used constructively. But they are always vulnerable to ignition by

demons, memory, or bodily lust to

don

appetites." Aversion

engender a scorn for others that would cause the

his

likely

than

monk to aban-

community and his vocation.

Acedia,

it

seems,

is

not only the

day but also the bad thought that it

was more

demon that lobs an assault at mid-

afflicts

seems impossible to care about so

us in the middle of life,

many things

when

that used to matter.

Do I have to care, if it means having to acknowledge the contradictions and dissonances by which

more

appealing.

I

know by now,

all,

for

survive?

The pose of

may be in dire need of rest, but

unsettled condition,

hadn't slept at

I

I'll still

and

I

be uneasy when

won't

more than

know

half

I

indifference

if I fall

wake.

where, or who,

is

far

asleep in this

It

will

I

am.

be as

if I

I

should

my life is gone. It is time to

consult

Dante, who, at the outset of his great journey, had to work against "the

200

ACEDIA old fear stirring" as he tried to

cannot well

enter

/ 1

was

began to blunder

I

"tell

being so

say, /

ME

&

what

full

I

though

saw,

of sleep

Off the true path."

/

If

how I came to

Whatever moment

Dante finds himself

midlife only half awake at the edge of hell, the scholar Reinhard tells us, it is

"not because of any specific

"because of

.

.

.

evil act"

the sin of omission, acedia."

it

in

Kuhn

he has committed, but

It is

the careless and dead-

ening sleep of acedia that sends Dante on his journey. Just after

he crosses the threshold of hell, Dante learns the cost of

his ill-timed drowsiness. Beset

by "strange languages, horrible screams,

words imbued

despair, cries as of a troubled sleep," he

/

With rage or

own recent unrestful state, but now the

witnesses a mirror image of his

confusion coil

/

is

loud and the pain palpable.

Of tumult

... in a ceaseless flail

dark and timeless Virgil,

noise,

air

/

/

Many sounds

rise "in a

That churns and frenzies that

Like sand in a whirlwind."

who these tormented souls are who

are

He

asks his guide,

making such

a dreadful

and learns that they are those who "kept themselves apart" in life,

regarding the world with a studied disinterest. Their passions were so

lukewarm nor

that

it is

hell will accept

ifest

as if they never lived at

them. After

the vice of acedia, Dante

seur of sin,"

who

"discerns

In the third circle Dante

is

/

choose; are

to sin

if I

am

with those

moves on, past "Minos,

For every

drenched,

spirit its

who man-

great connois-

proper place in Hell."

like the gluttons

who reside there,

circle, asking,

"How is it that

and wither?" The question presumes the freedom

truthful with myself,

I

to

recognize that in midlife, there

many days in which I indeed choose to sin and wither. Even if I can

think of ways in which ing

and now neither heaven

this first contact

by a cold, heavy rain. He enters the fourth

we choose

all,

I

might rouse myself from

on them. 201

lethargy,

I

resist act-

KATHLEEN NORRIS Continuing his journey, Dante encounters the overly contentious,

engaged in endless brawling. Moving toward the fourth thest edge,

the

he finds a dark and roiling watercourse that discharges "into

marsh whose name

is

Styx."

Here the angry are denied the mercy

of forgetting. They stand, naked and

another with their heads, chests,

by pointing out the

murky water.

muddy

feet,

black mire

/

In a mournful tone, they say,

Inside us,

now to be

Here Dante

we bore

their

/

under the surface of the

"Once we were grim

A further

acedia's dismal

/

And

gladness from the

smoke.

/

We have this

sullen in."

ties anger,

wrong things, to To someone

and backs, tearing with

slothful, barely visible

sullen in the sweet air above, that took

play of sun;

one

in the bog, striking

bubbles rising to the surface of this foul marsh

teeth. Virgil explains the

self,

circle's far-

which

which

acedia,

is

entails caring too

caring too

in the grip of acedia, the

little

much about

the

about the right ones.

beauty of sunlight, and of life

it-

can only reinforce a bitter ingratitude. In recognizing that despon-

dency

is

modern

frequently the

flip side

of anger, Dante agrees not just with

psychologists but with the ancient monastics as well.

When

unexpressed anger builds up inside, people perform even legitimate duties carelessly

and

resentfully, often focusing

on others

as the source

of their troubles. Instead of looking inward to find the true reason for their sadness

which

—with me,

shatters

my

it

usually involves having

my plans thwarted,

—they

outward, barreling

illusory control

direct

it

through the world, impatient and even brutal with those they encounter, especially those I

recognize

all

who

are closest to them.

of these stages in myself, and

I

know that

there are

some days when such unfocused anger makes me of little use one.

When

I

am

to any-

in this state, the popular notion of fixing things

202

by

ACEDIA "talking

it

out"

is

ME

&

counterproductive.

If

I

bristle

with

irritability,

and

if

my anger is out of proportion to any cause, fear and despair are my real enemies, and talking will lead

me to rant aimlessly or awaken a self-pity

that sends the poison deeper within. If "poison" I

can admit to feeling soured on

eral

Dom Bernardo Olivera, abbot gen-

of the Cistercians (or Trappists) wrote his 2007 circular

Sadness Corroding self-described ily

life.

Our

Desire for God,"

on

acedia.

"home-grown etymology," that

gar),

and acerbum (harsh), which, taken

that persons suffering

and thus

is

explains, in a is

a fam-

acetum (vine-

[make] us think

figuratively,

from acedia have received

becomes

becomes

for love

bitter),

"The

a high dose of acid-

are incapable of appreciating the sweetness of life. Just as

spoiled wine sours,

He

letter,

in Latin "there

of words related to acedia, such as acer (sharp,

ity,"

too strong a word,

is

acid,

acedia."

As

he writes, "so the joy of age,

I

withering, along with

it is

easy to feel that

[love],

when

it

my very capacity

my bone density and muscle tone.

The "Inborn Freedom" and the "Urge for Good" Love

is

the whole purpose of Dante's journey, and also

its

goal. In pur-

gatory he again encounters the slothful, and significantly, as he ap-

proaches their terrace in canto is.

Virgil speaks of "an

things." But,

fore,

/

he warns, "even

This noble power

remember

sponse to

it, /

if

he asks Virgil to teach him what love

inborn freedom" that

love that flames in you,

own.

18,

/

is

if

the

we

to

what Beatrice

is

/

"at the roots of

as source for every

curb that love /

means by

she should ever speak of

asleep,

found

allow necessity

power

this existential challenge

and drowsy. Half

is

is still

your

free will: there-

it

to you." Dante's re-

to withdraw,

becoming apathetic

he harbors "random visions" until an ap-

203

KATHLEEN NORRIS proaching crowd

commands

his attention.

atone for their previous lassitude, are

now in constant motion. "Quick,

They

quick," they cry, "lest time be lost."

the slothful, who, to

It is

are trying to

compensate

for

the negligence they once showed "in doing good half-heartedly."

These days we might be tempted to consider these people as

sick,

not sinners, and wish that Dante had been able to diagnose their "dis-

mal smoke" and as

The Divine Comedy continue to

selves. It is still true that there is

that sloth can

who do

submerge us

offer us

profound insight into our-

nothing more cold than betrayal, and

in a stew of anger.

true that those

It is still

not appreciate the beauty of the "sweet air" of

equipped to find beauty anywhere. But we must "will not," or "cannot"? is

works such

attention-deficit disorder accurately. But

ask: Is

of the word: hale and holy.

view of sin

If is

Dante

is,

ill

"do not,"

in the

is

to point

in the full sense

me to an answer, I need

not a primitive remnant of a more con-

ventionally religious time that

masterpiece but

it

are

Who would truly choose to wither? Perhaps it

more critical to ask what it would mean to be whole

to trust that his

life

is

embarrassingly present in a literary

words of the theologian Linda Mercadante,

an integral part of a worldview that "exhibits a

sensitivity to the

human

predicament that has largely been forgotten."

Understood properly, the Christian doctrine of wholeness, and Dante represents this tradition at

its

label people as evil because they've fallen short of

perfectionist goal. Dante's understanding of sin that,

is

sin

best.

some

far

is

a vision of

He

does not

ill- conceived,

more subtle than

and more humane. These days, we are likely to say to people strug-

gling with addiction or mental illness that their ual state of recovery. Imagine for a

moment

severe than anything Dante, or the desert

204

hope

lies in

that this

monks

is

a perpet-

much more

for that matter,

had

ACEDIA in

&

ME

mind. Their ultimate concern was how,

ship with God,

The

the good. sickness

we become more idea that one

would have seemed

we deepen our

as

and more

free to love,

would be defined to

them

relation-

free to

choose

by one's

forever

more

excessively cruel,

sin or

likely to

engender hopelessness than hope.

The "noble power" of a free will partakes of something even than hope, and that

The kingdom of God within us

grace.

is

something we gain through training, pure it,

gift,

and we

or ignore

it.

wit, or skill.

is

When we done

are convinced that its

to "sever [us]

Thomas Aquinas

numbs

all

are

by a

and

love

God has no mercy and no

zeal for love"

in

its

a ter-

and un-

whole

grip,

affirmation and self-esteem.

I

I

love for [us]."

self- distressing

and makes us unable

"to rest in

and our

better in-

antagonism to that love which

inseparably linked with the divine indwelling."

me

curb

from thoughts of God." John Climacus speaks

stincts, "[setting] itself in irreconcilable

alienation has

it,

states that acedia's

divides us against ourselves

it

not

to us as

it is

distant

is

beyond the reach of

describes acedia as a "wanton, wilful

God." Even worse,

is

we

work. John Cassian

of it as "a voice claiming that

that

comes

Given the power and resilience of this grace,

grace, acedia has

purpose

It

are free now, as in Dante's time, to nourish

rible irony that the despairing so often feel rejected

caring God.

greater

When

so fierce an

need something more powerful than

need that outcast word,

sin.

Sin for Grown-ups In The Seven Deadly Sins, his study of the concepts of virtue in Judaism, ancient

psychologist

Greco-Roman philosophy, and

Solomon Schimmel reminds us 205

and

vice

Christianity, the

that "the deadly sins are

KATHLEEN NORRIS human

not arbitrary, irrational restrictions on contrary, [they]

.

.

.

behavior.

concern the core of what we

are,

.

.

On

.

of what

become, and most importantly, of what we should aspire to

the

we can

be."

He re-

gards these sins as directly relevant "to a host of problems addressed

by

clinical

and

social psychology," related to

— anyway—

me, the most basic definition of sin is

wrong, and choose to do

me from the as

it

forces

point

narcissism of fretting over

me

that

to

knew they would and

I

who

comprehend

is still

For

evil.

that something

the most useful.

my more trivial

It

frees

failings,

even

admit to those actions that have hurt others. The

Sin in this sense

self.

sin.

is

it

to

our capacity for

is

definitely for

can't yet distinguish

A three-year-old

can

between

I

didn't care

enough

to stop

my-

grown-ups; very small children,

fact

and

fiction, are

say, in all sincerity, "I didn't

you have seen her send a glass crashing to the

floor,

not capable of

break

it,"

when

and she knows that

you saw. Such fervent wishful thinking can be charming in a toddler. less so in

It is

an adult who, when convicted of sexually assaulting a ten-

year-old, explains himself by saying, "It

was

my inner child." The penal

system will probably reject such an excuse and exact a severe penalty for the crime.

As a society we are less certain of how best to change

sort of behavior. Will counseling will

and psychotherapy be

this

effective?

Or

drugs alleviate the compulsive urges of known sex offenders? These

are matters sort out

What

is

under current discussion

what are medically heard

less is

in this country, as

treatable conditions

we attempt

and what are

any useful discussion of temptation and

to

not.

sin, let

alone the monastic perception of the eight bad thoughts. The desert

monks understood

the great difference between a harmful action and

206

ACEDIA do

the temptation to

it,

&

ME

and they maintained

that while

whether or not the bad thoughts come to

trol

we

we can

us,

learn

respond to them. But attempting to stop harmful behavior challenge. tell

you

it

task

requires daily is

made

not

With

able to them.

recommitment.

easier

when we

cessity or profit

are "annexed to

we more

mind may be "sufficiently convinced of the

of a good it,

in a

act."

well: just the

them from church, and

dangerous

spiritual acedy,

thought of getting to the

going. For me, the it

it

slips away."

what Dante still

gious vocabulary I

is

know

Many

this syn-

enough

to keep

applies to attending

can be a major victory over acedia to walk through the

that infuses the

when

gym

same syndrome

sanctuary doors on Sunday morning. to experience

ne-

But once the thought of toil and tedium

have tried to maintain a basic exercise regimen

drome

ing

find that even as

acedia, as the seventeenth-century cleric Bishop

Joseph Hall noted, the

that

a serious

understand our primary temptations, we become more vulner-

clearly

who

is

how to

Any monk, or any participant in a twelve-step program, can

that

Our

can't con-

is

We do not require religious faith

an "urge for good," or to savor the grace

calls

center of the soul.

I

do

find,

however, that the

reli-

an inexhaustible source of renewal, reminding

do bad things

I

need not be stymied by

guilt,

and

me

reassur-

me that something more is possible. An ordinary service can spark

with words that ignite that

I

am

awoke ample,

something more than

that morning. is

my imagination, shore up my resolve, and tell me I

had thought myself

to be

when

I

A prayer said after receiving communion, for ex-

a bold plea to "ever perceive within ourselves the fruit of thy

redemption."

If,

an hour later,

I

or angry behavior, those words

am tempted to slough it all off in mean still

reside in

207

me,

as a call to

be more

KATHLEEN NORRIS compassionate and kind. The point of the eucharist,

after

all, is

merely to change the bread and wine into Christ, but to change

not

me

as well. If the

dynamics of worship continually remind me that such change

good

for the

is

possible,

I

must

Scripture passage

may summon

struck with a vigorous desire to it

will be,

I

prayerful. Yet if I

the desert

this: I rise fall

my tempta-

up,

my

habits, to

a

may be

How

be more attentive and

am not careful, this little surge of vanity will dissipate When I fail, as I must, I can only re-

monk who told his disciple, "Brother, the monastic life is and

as real,

good thought,

down,

I fall

I

this repeated

grow weary and more is

I

do things differently from now on.

think, to change

down." But in

grace

compunction, and

tears of

into nothingness in the daily grind. call

pay close attention to

and thoughts. The poignant words of a hymn may move me,

tions

easy

still

rise

up and

ebb and

I fall

down,

flow, the

aspire to

only being the person

danger

rise is

up and

that

I

I

will

easily discouraged, less able to appreciate that

and as available to me, as acedia. If I if I

I

I

do

better next time,

was created by God

I

am inspired by some am

not a

fool.

I

am

to be.

Image and Likeness In the

Book of Genesis,

I

find that

I

was created

in the

image and

like-

ness of God. Monastic people have always been concerned with the practical application of this doctrine in a

world they perceive to be

saturated by God's love. In this context the attempt to reclaim the di-

vine image by pursuing "purity of heart" fectionist

and

is

not a sentimental or per-

endeavor but the very purpose of life.

It is

a

command to act

to appreciate, as the Cistercian Gail Fitzpatrick expresses

208

it,

the

ACEDIA critical

ME

&

importance of recognizing that "whatever

blocks this love

Our

.

.

.

dilutes, falsifies, or

does not belong in our heart."

efforts alone,

however, are not enough to undo the blockage,

and the monastic tradition

replete with warnings that placing too

is

much faith in ourselves and our spiritual practice will further obscure our integral goodness, even

sumed

holiness.

We

as

we grow more

satisfied

with our pre-

never lose our need for what John Cassian terms

the "Lord's protection"; he gives as an example a farmer

labor to

till

and seed

his fields. Until rain

who must

comes, the seeds remain dor-

mant, and without sunlight their seedlings cannot grow. Cassian's

metaphor of

God

is

is

an ancient one:

envisioned as the rain

declares that

made

it

will return

life's

and how we

we can

pilgrimage

are to bring

is

it

God

we

postmodern

era.

(55:

10-1

are also

rain as grace

John Eudes Bamberger, a

word

as a

we

are

in this sense,

what our particular word this

is

frame of reference,

journey home.

may seem

quaint in an urban and

But we ignore the workings of nature

wrong to imagine that we

the

fruit. If

words of God

Within

to fruition. life

1 )

sends to earth, and the prophet

to determine

envision the whole of our

The image of

Book of Isaiah

not empty, but bearing good

in God's image, perhaps

and our

are

in the

at

our peril and

are not a part of them. In a recent essay,

monk who

is

also a physician

and a

mem-

ber of the American Psychiatric Association, seeks to reassess the ancient doctrine of "image in psychology

and

likeness" in the light of current findings

and biology. He believes

practical experience of

that both the theology

monastic people have

much

and the

to contribute to

our understanding of "the neurochemical basis of the emotions, the

dynamics of the passions, and the neurological pathways that perception to memory."

209

relate

KATHLEEN NORRIS This

of a

not such a

is

stretch. In his

Chapters on Prayer, Evagrius speaks

monk who is so disciplined that he can "pray purely without being

led astray."

Even

Evagrius observes, the

so,

demons who "no longer come upon from the right." With

enon

is

monk may be

[his spirit]

by the

tempted by

left

great prescience Evagrius states that this

side but

phenom-

due not merely to the bad thought of vainglory, but also

influence of a

to "the

demon who stimulates a specific section of the brain and

thus agitates the cerebral circulation." Bamberger finds this passage interesting "for the awareness

reveals [of a connection]

it

between the

emotions and the physiology of the brain. Only in very recent times," he comments, "have the

details

of this relation been worked out in

considerable detail through the discovery and description of the

Limbic pathways." For early

monks such

as Evagrius,

Bamberger

writes,

"God was

the horizon within which their concern for the genuine in the

heart and behavior was examined." flect "this higher,

tered

on the

They wanted

human

their daily lives to re-

vaguely perceived implicate order" and remain cen-

love of God. If this seems like religious twaddle,

it is

not.

As science grows more focused on wholeness and process rather than on the mechanical workings of what were traditionally regarded as "separate parts,"

it

enters the realm of mystery. In discussing the be-

havior of quarks, for example, physicists can sound

more

like theolo-

gians than the sober guardians of a rigorous "hard" science. Religious

mystics and scientists alike point us toward the understanding that

nothing

is

really separate: the

hologram best

one of its elements contains within partakes of a wholeness that

hend, as nothing

is

it

reflects this reality, as

the totality.

Our world,

we can glimpse but not

merely the

sum of its 210

parts. This

is

fully

it

any

seems,

compre-

borne out by

1

ACEDIA

ME

&

microbiologists and other scientists, who, Bamberger notes, have dis-

covered that " [higher-level] emergents cannot be completely accounted for

by

components."

[lower-level]

The monastic endeavor, now

as in the fourth century,

is

to purify

one's heart so as to better reflect God's creation. Ultimately this for

all

Christians: to

Monks go about this in

ex-

a partic-

and sometimes speak plainly about mysteries that seem

impenetrable, even to

Benedictine

monk

many Christians.

"Naked we come

our hope

quite:

nize his

own image is

in

is

our

that

when

homily by a

recently heard a

in a

Darfur and global

monastery centuries ago.

into this world," he said, "and

But not

This hope

I

that, except for references to

warming, could have been preached

naked we

shall return.

Christ receives us, he will recog-

hearts."

both a grace and a challenge, and acedia's response

to turn away, clouding Christ's

ask that

a goal

conform oneself to the mercy, peace, and love

emplified by the Jesus of the Gospels. ular way,

is

image with indifference.

It

is

will always

we settle for something less, a life of more limited meaning but

one over which we

retain a satisfying

autonomy. Even taking into ac-

count the reductionist view of human beings as sortment of chemicals, neurons, and

an inner willingness to confront

little

more than an as-

electrical impulses,

at the outset

we might view

an aberrant thought

acedia as an impulse in the right direction. Something to build

help effect a beneficial change.

like

on and

Now more than ever, as psychiatry is in-

creasingly technological, a matter of manipulating the chemicals in

our brains, we need symbolic language, the nuances of poetry and the free spaces

of story, myth, and faith to help us understand

who we are

and why we consistently do things that wound ourselves and

others.

We

need John Bunyan's pilgrim to remind us that we have access to the

21

KATHLEEN NORRIS tools that will set us free.

We

need Dante to lead us through the dark

wood, and beyond.

Labor Pains Beyond, for me, means taking another look find that since

I

my regrets

had

at

at

motherhood. At

being childless are few. But

I

do wonder why,

my own

models for mothering in

excellent

I

sixty

mother and

maternal grandmother. The more conflicted models of motherhood

provided by

my

paternal grandmother and her daughter,

Mary, certainly gave

me

pause. For

hood was mixed with sadness and came

my grandmother Norris, regret:

while one of her

Congo, she

a medical missionary in the then Belgian

my

aunt

mother-

sisters

be-

settled for

being a wife and mother on the Great Plains, and justified her marriage to a Methodist pastor to the church.

neither did.

and then child-rearing

as her

She was determined that her sons become pastors, but

My aunt Mary's

mental

when combined with an

made me

out-of-wedlock pregnancy, and her example a

mother would be too

assumed

I

early

table exception, sights

on

that

whenever

did

I

free

I,

and,

I

my own psyche.

would never marry, and with one no-

asked myself whether

affair

no.

I

should

Only once, when

was ending.

I

set

had discovered,

212

a

I

my

was

in

The

should have been glad

—the man was married, much habitual philanderer—but was

of an unhealthy relationship

older than

on

fear that be-

fantasize at length about having a baby.

temptation came as a love

be

great a strain

on motherhood, the answer was

my early twenties,

to

I

I

was diagnosed, prob-

illness (she

ably correctly, as schizophrenic) proved fatal

coming

form of ministry

ACEDIA transfixed by the notion that

ME

&

should have his

I

child.

Although

then unaware of the monastic understanding of bad thoughts, recognize the idea as insane, ing was

my

would become

my

path had proved lationship

experience

husband,

false,

would be is

easier

and

safer

how

emerge.

badly

It is,

I

was

than a

as

love,

sin," for

raised

a marriage

stated, a fortunate "self-

evil.

But even

we

still

to exercise as

we

take

have work to

why my sense

of promise

is

so

my ancestors in the faith, my grand-

down a religion centered on love, not fear.

me to believe in a God who loves me, a God who loves us

The grace I have known

invisible or

I

became

From childhood I have loved the music of worship and the words

from the If

undermining

I

may never fully understand why I perceive the Christian doctrine

with whether is

My

committed one.

to endure.

parents and parents, handed

all.

fully

welcomes God

it

and derive good from

of Scripture; but more important,

They

slothful

could other, better possibil-

Henri de Lubac has

of sin as a blessing and not a curse, and firm.

The

that an adulterous re-

conscious step toward our deliverance,

do and labors I

for marriage.

acting, selfishly

my capacity for

a divine prerogative first,

met the man who

nature of sin. For only when

consciousness [that] awakens in

that

I

one small instance of what Christian theologians regard

and shortchanging ities

was ready

later,

and I no longer imagined

as the paradoxically auspicious

aware of

few years

a I

did

I

not demonic, and that bit of reason-

if

When,

salvation.

was

I

feel

I

happy or

seems

rock," the

as a healing force in sad.

I

inaccessible.

unwarranted

know it It is,

my life has little to do

as a presence,

in the biblical phrase,

gift that

comes when

find in the doctrine of sin a joyful sense of the

213

even

I

when

"honey

least expect

human

it

it.

that keeps

KATHLEEN NORRIS me

accountable for what

respect,

I

am

I

do, but never robs

eternal love cannot return

of course,

reject

of hope or

self-

only grasping for what Dante expresses in canto 3 of

Purgatorio: "Despite the Church's curse, there

And

me

—

as long as

when such bounty

no one so

is

lost that the

hope shows something

graces

my

life, I

remain

green." free to

it.

Despising the Pleasant Lands

When

I

lived in

South Dakota,

I

inevitably

became depressed

The longed-for moment

ter shifted into spring.

was gentle and inviting and

I

arrived

grown comfortably dormant. Every year I was

My mood

the air

had

that

life

tempted to stay

my garden to languish

and herbs contended with encroaching weeds.

always passed, yet in the meantime

old house around for

severely

an internal winter and allowing

as the perennial flowers

win-

could again walk out of doors without

heavy clothing. But that also meant stirring things into

inside, hosting

when

as

I

would hug

my

dusty

me like a shell. Many people in the Dakotas seek help

SAD, or seasonal

affective disorder,

which comes with winter.

Given the tendency in our culture toward what one philosopher has called

"dynamic nominalism," or inventing a category and then plac-

ing people in

drome"

it, I

am

surprised that

for the fear of spring.

I

no one has

have generally counted

affliction as a typically perverse manifestation I

once wrote a

poem about my

picted Persephone as a

who had abducted

yet coined

"FOS

my

syn-

seasonal

of acedia.

springtime blues, in which

pawn between her mother and

the

I

de-

husband

her and taken her into the underworld. Finally

speaking for herself, she

says:

214

.

ACEDIA ...

I

ME

&

learned to eat

what was put before me, and became

a wife.

My mother raged, my husband capitulated.

When the deal was struck

no one thought

I'd

be torn in two.

Now I have my pied-a-terre, and the inner darkness

.

.

Now spring is a blind green wall.

These days family responsibilities require in Hawai'i,

which

exists in a

more or

me to spend much of the year

less

perpetual spring. There are

other seasons, but their signs are subtle. Surf patterns

northern shores that receive

summer

calm

as

as a

mammoth

shift, as

the

waves in winter become in

pond. Winter brings more rain and cooler tem-

peratures. But because of the subtropical climate, the temperature

range cept

small

is

when compared with Dakota

on the uppermost

the island of Hawai'i,

elevations of Mauna

no snow. From

No

ice,

and

ex-

Kea (13,700-plus

feet)

on

extremes.

my kitchen window

I

view the

Ko'olau Mountains that rise above Honolulu, and in any season

watch rainbows form and dissolve to catch

on the

While

when

I

I

trees

there,

I

can

and wisps of cloud that seem

of the watershed.

am often a grateful observer of this beauty, there are times

cannot see

it

at

all. I

am

not alone.

Many

Hawai'i with the military or large corporations

2n

people stationed in

come

to feel a nagging

KATHLEEN NORRIS contempt

for the place.

that they are living earth.

They hate the ocean because

on an

island in the

They dismiss paradise

most

as "the rock"

loveliness has often served as a to

my own

lands,

experience.

It is all

metaphor

refer to their sad

The

me to

and

my vaunted

independence. Sometimes

mind myself that I am not

self-sufficient,

con-

of

I

find

true

it

despise the pleasant

and choose alienation over connection because

preserve

on

willful rejection

for acedia,

too easy for

reminds them

isolated island chain

and

dition with a perverse pride as "rock fever."

it

it is

it

promises to

necessary to re-

and never have been.

When my oldest niece was three years old, my brother would drive her to day care in the morning, and her mother, who worked as a stock-

broker and financial planner, would pick her up in the afternoon. She always brought an orange, peeled so that her daughter could eat the

way home. One day

"Mommy's I

office"

on the

I

on

the child was busying herself by playing front porch of our house in Honolulu,

asked her what her mother did

a conviction that

it

at

and

work. Without hesitation, and with

relish to this day, she

looked up

at

me and said, "She

makes oranges."

My niece could wait without anxiety for this daily ritual, a liturgy of the delicious orange, bright as the sun, sweet with the juice that the

body and blood of this world. The

others,

and

in

pect or want; it is

God. The

it

fruit

we

given to us out of love.

The

child thus fed learns to trust in

are given

may even be bitter,

is

is

not always what we ex-

but we are secure in knowing that

capacity for trust engendered in such

ordinary encounters as those between mother and child has a deep significance not only for individuals but also for the nity. It

grants us joy in the present

and hope

216

human commu-

for the future.

It

allows us

ACEDIA to believe in love it

comes

more than

live

and to love life

the

all

more because

to an end.

To Wait and

We

in hate

ME

&

our

lives

not

Hope: At Play with Etymology

to

at the

end, but in the meantime, in the interval

between birth and death. The word

its

now

commonly

implies a period

physical origins remains as

we rush through

space between walls or ramparts;

of time. But a hint of

interval originally referred to a

our nights and days, constructing

it

fortifications against the assaults of

time and circumstance. In our younger years begin our families, and

it is

we seek our vocations and

easy to ignore our position

on

time's con

-

tinuum. As we age and face the press of mortality, we can drown in ceaseless activity, or retreat into the false

grow more

fenses

rigid,

they are also

calm of inertia. Yet

more

likely to crack

Our language provides a glimpse of a better way. Origins, that,

an

I

find that interval leads to wall.

inter- or internal wall.

structed, "See 'voluble,'"

Wall

is

fluent,

I

But when

In Eric Partridge's

can visualize the sense of

I

I

look up wall and

pause, wondering what strangeness

even

fluid.

I

rejoice at the

am

is

in-

afoot.

me

hidden wisdom contained in words;

break out of the closed

thoughts and the self-defeating strategies of middle age.

be solid as a wall yet I

wide open.

a solid noun, while the adjective voluble signifies something

this contradiction helps

that

our de-

as

alive

have learned yet not

with movement? resist

How might

new challenges and

vows that are unique to the Benedictines are of use

to

circle

of

my

How might I

build

on

transitions?

I

all

Two

me here, the vows

of stability and conversion. Even as one promises to remain in a par-

217

KATHLEEN NORRIS ticular

community for the

rest

of one's

life,

one commits

to being

open

to change.

may be loath to

I

cure.

up the

give

I

am, and

I

what I believed to be

still

most

feel

take in a 360-degree view. In relinquishing

essential,

I

have discovered something even more

valuable and gained not only a

new

perspective but also a

new

have struggled and no doubt suffered in the process, yet

will

heart

/

the

all

must

live,

and

all

the

"The

it:

more you tear from your

keep."

home in the middle, where

to truly live each day, even as

we

"Where can we

the priest

/

not an easy task to make our

dying. Days are ing,

does not stagnate;

more of it you

Still, it is

we

/

life. I

my pain

not without meaning. Andrei Voznesensky has expressed

water in living wells

se-

me to re-

But the revolving motion suggested by volubility allows

main where

is

piece of turf on which

we know we

are

have, though, as Philip Larkin reminds us, ask-

but days?

live

and the doctor

/

/

Ah, solving that question

In their long coats

/

Brings

/

Running over the fields."

For some of us the steady passage of time becomes unbearably cruel,

an endless round of pain that wears us down. vinced that most suicides acedia, bringing

all

come out of

My husband was

sheer exhaustion, and

con-

I

sense

of its cruel anguish to bear, in the words of a

letter

Charles Baudelaire wrote at the age of twenty- four, intending them to

be read killing

he had committed suicide. (His attempt

after

myself

—without

fatigue of falling asleep

There

many ing,

is

a

grief. ...

and the

I

am

killing

failed.) "I

myself because

basis for the impulse,

noon, and night, when we might be most open to its

.

the

borne out

of the world's religions, to pray at the hinges of time,

and

.

fatigue of waking are unbearable."

good psychological

susceptible to acedia

.

am

attendant despairs.

218

at

in

morn-

God but are also

The psalmist

asks us

ACEDIA to place

our hope in a

God who will

us at these risky moments,

both

now and

here,

we may,

To

each

like Baudelaire, find

the

meantime

we recommit

new day and

slowly, leading

not six!

I

will

not grow weary of watching over

"guard [our] going and coming

for ever" (Psalms 121:8). If

live in

tests us, as

who

ME

&

night.

to

our

is

we cannot

/

find reassurance

only horror.

common lot, and

it is

waiting that

mundane tasks are required with

whatever

When we are very young, time moves far too

many an exasperated child to declare, indignantly, "I am

am six- and- a-halfl" But in middle age, as we begin to lose the

friends of our youth, the hours rush like a river in flood, carrying us helplessly away. Perhaps

it is

mercy

a

that in old age

many

of us lose

our sense of time altogether. If

time

waiting

is

perceived as an enemy, to insist that there

is

foolish.

messaging

all

Advances

I

value in

technology such as e-mail and instant

in

presume the question "Why wait

using computers, in the mid-1970s,

with which

is

I

at all?"

When

started

I

noticed that while the programs

kept track of the finances of several small businesses

made

my work much easier, they also made me more impatient. I went from being grateful for

how

new

quickly

software could do the bookkeep-

ing to snarling at the machine for being so slow. While

desktop Apple was

many times more powerful than

which had

huge room

filled a

the inventiveness and

skill

in the 1950s,

that

had made

it

I

I

the

failed to

knew that my first

UNIVAC,

be grateful for

possible. Instead,

I

sighed

made

a

One day, when I timed one such annoying delay and found that

it

each time

I

had

to wait while the

machine checked

computation, or saved to disk the work

constituted

all

of ten seconds,

and warned: Pay attention

I

I

felt as if I

—watch 219

a record,

had done.

had been slapped

yourself.

And when

I

in the face

did,

I

saw

KATHLEEN NORRIS an idiot groaning with impatience over a tiny increment of time. Technology had made a fool of me, for a few seconds of "waiting"

computer time icent,

my

is

no longer than seconds spent "waiting" on

rocky beach for the sun to

rise

such things

is

a magnif-

over a pearl-tinted ocean;

perception that makes them seem different.

And how

in

I

it is

only

perceive

a matter of spiritual discipline.

Our perception of time is subject to technological

revision,

and in-

creased speed has generally translated into a subtle diminishment of

our capacity to appreciate our immediate surroundings. In essay

his

1849

"The English Mail-Coach," Thomas De Quincey noted that while

the new, high-speed coaches of his day offered

had been thought possible

a

few years before, they also distanced pas-

sengers from the countryside. stroller or the

The simple

wanderer on horseback

glimpse of a fox with her

kits,

travelers or with people resting

smelling,

In our

pleasures available to the

—the scent of wild

roses, a

an exchange of greetings with other

from

their labors in a field of sweet-

—had been traded

new-mown hay

own

much faster travel than

for increased efficiency.

time Wendell Berry has written eloquently of pulling off

the high-speed world of an

American

interstate

highway into an

Appalachian campground, and needing more than an hour to slow

down and at

adjust to the rhythms of his

close

hand.

Waiting seems it

own body and the world

odds with progress, and we seldom ask whether

at

might have a purpose

when we look up then,

is

the

in

and of

word wait we

itself.

Etymology helps us

here, for

are instructed to see vigor. Waiting,

not passive but a vigilant and watchful activity designed to

keep us aware of what

is

really

going on. Isaiah evokes

220

this radical wait-

ACEDIA ing as a source of vitality: "Those their strength,

40:31).

/

they shall

Such waiting

is

someplace

hope

is

meant

to

better. If you

can go there

who

wait for the Lord shall renew

mount up with wings

physical as well as the psyche.

the word. To

ME

&

It is

make

engender a

to

a leap, to

can imagine

jump from where you

and dare

it,

for,

you

may appear.

a flimsy thing in the face of acedia's cold assur-

seem

is

a barren thing indeed.

hope has an astonishing

sistence in

psalmist

resilience

our hearts indicates that

but the ground on which

unmitigated

hell.

What

waiting

it is

are

we

In

strength. Its very per-

not a tonic for wishful thinkers

realists stand.

and the prophets have been

and

For thousands of years the

a source of strength for people fac-

ing plague, warfare, massacre, imprisonment, execution, the sort of hope that matters, for

despair, but death

can conquer not just acedia and

model

for waiting in the face of certain

On the night before his crucifixion, as Jesus prays in the garden

death.

of Gethsemane, he

remains

many

it

and exile. This

itself.

Christians have a powerful

we

are to

except the increasing disability and inevitable indignities of old

age? But

is

in the

to take that leap,

situation

ance that nothing matters and that waiting midlife, waiting can

hope rooted

an action, the "hop" contained within

—no matter how hopeless your

Hope may seem

lively

like eagles" (Isaiah

silent,

of us

are

feels

abandoned by

seemingly

know

all

unmoved by

too well.

his friends,

and by

his suffering.

We may not

face

It is

a

God who

a situation

imminent death, but

haunted by betrayal and loneliness, and know the pain of the

wee hours, when the dark of night matches the "The Garden of Olives,"

a

poem

reflecting

state

of our souls. In

on the Gospel

story,

Rainer

Maria Rilke comments on the normality of this experience: "The night

221

.

KATHLEEN NORRIS came was no uncommon

that

dogs

sleep,

waits

till it

and then stones

night;

/

hundreds

like

it is

Dorothee

Danish

by.

/

Then /

that

be morning once again."

the waiting for Soelle, in her

sailor

Gestapo.

go

any night

Alas, a sad night, alas

lie. /

Both mental and physical pain are often worse times

it

book

who knew

He had

dawn

that

is

worst of

The theologian

all.

would soon be put

that he

to death

him

already been tortured, and this led

drew him into "a new understanding of the is

the ordeal.

driven through one's hands the waiting in the garden

will

I

that

it

young by the

to identify

was Gethsemane that

figure of Jesus.

The time

warrant that having a few

nails

something purely mechanical

... is

—

and some-

Suffering, quotes the letter of a

with the agonies of Jesus on the cross. But

of waiting, that

at night,

But

hour drips red with blood."

We do not know what will happen. Disasters will strike, and great blessings will come. it all.

Our

Paying attention

is

difficult

essential, as

writes, "the experience that Jesus

destruction.

It is

all,

And

Jesus

the one

had

is

in

is

to live

remembering

through

that, as Soelle

Gethsemane goes beyond

.

.

the experience of assent." In that gruesome and inter-

minable night, waiting revealed fear.

and glorious task

itself as a

became the most

who embodies hope

true

radically free

ally,

a

and dangerous man of

in the face of death

nothing.

222

bulwark against

and

is

afraid of

—

xii.

Day

Day

by

Our Dying Life Consider a scene from

my marriage: A man sipping a drink in a restau

rant coughs, stops breathing,

and begins

to turn blue. In that instant,

One phones

everything changes. Strangers drop what they are doing. 911, another places

him on

his side to help

he opens his eyes and responds, however

one

cheers.

ment.

It is

as if

him breathe

again.

feebly, to a question, every-

time had been suspended, waiting for

When the EMTs

arrive, the rescuers drift

Having been shocked by the

real

—

When

forcibly

mo-

this

back to their lunches.

reminded that

life is

both

precious and precarious, a tenuous matter of heartbeat and breath

one will order a stiff drink, another will phone her husband to that she loves him. ily

tell

him

A man will go back to his office and stare at the fam-

photographs on

desk until tears well up. Eventually he will turn

his

to the blinking cursor

on

his

computer

screen.

One of Saint Benedict's "tools for good works" is to "day by day remind yourself that you

are going to die" (Rule 4:47). This

morbid preoccupation, but of our

it

will

not remain so

if

may seem

a

we allow the thought

own mortality to engender a greater compassion for other mor-

KATHLEEN NORRIS tal

beings. Yet even as

and begin

existence

terms our "dying

get

to believe that each

life" is a gift

for us to bear. If we

we wouldn't

we grow more keenly aware of the fragility of our

of unfathomable beauty,

it is

too

much

much

done.

as

It's

easier

and

far

more

efficient to

go

though we were the sun around which the

spinning, and devote our attention not to divine mysteries but

is

comes along:

to whatever

of this

of what Karl Rahner

were constantly enraptured by gratitude and awe,

about our daily tasks earth

moment

deadlines, e-mail, rush-hour traffic.

oddly comforting. While we complain about the

is

assures us to

know we're busy

ourselves that

we

—

it

means we're

are far too important to die,

essential.

and

this

all

stress, it re-

We

is

And

convince

how we

live

many of the thirty years my husband

from one day to the

next.

and I were

we could not indulge that particular delusion, be-

cause

together,

we were so

through so

often

much by

up

But for

against life-threatening illness.

the time David was diagnosed with lung cancer

that he startled his oncologist

one more

We had been

by saying, "You know,

for us, this

is

just

thing."

Our past travails with illness and recuperation did act that helped us learn to live with the cancer,

as a

primer

which meant learning

to

cope with whatever hardships the treatments would bring. Chemotherapy had

made David

he eventually regained a

pulmonary blood

for years

gaunt and weak, and even though

much of his weight, the damage was done. After

clot

had further sapped his

strength, this

man who

had enjoyed walking many miles a day was confined

wheelchair when

came so

skeletally

we went out. Then he fractured a hip

afraid of falling again that

in a

fall

to a

and be-

he used a walker even to get around

our apartment. Repeated infections in his lung made him ever more

dependent on supplemental oxygen.

224

On bad

days

it

was an accom-

ACEDIA plishment for him to walk the few to the front

from

feet

door of the apartment and back.

able to go to family gatherings, movies, rants.

ME

&

his living

On good

and dinners

room

days

chair

we were

at favorite restau-

On occasion we went to a brew pub at Honolulu harbor to watch

the activity in the port. Once, a three-masted sailing ship, a training vessel for the Italian navy,

versing with the

was docked nearby, and David enjoyed con-

young cadets

in his spotty

but apparently adequate

Italian.

When David was exhausted, or when Kona winds

(from the south)

made the air heavy with volcanic ash, he stayed indoors. He slept, read, or watched movies that

I

rented for him, delighting in the French films,

newly available on DVD, that we had

last

viewed

He sometimes worked on

the

poems he had

the 1960s.

South

was

Pacific

when

a great joy to

he'd

him

had a writer's grant with

that he

Western Samoa of Tusitala

known

to

had made

written in the

a travel allowance.

It

a pilgrimage to the grave in

(storyteller), as

Robert Louis Stevenson

is

Samoans, and that he had paged through Stevenson's man-

uscripts in the rare-book

room of

friends our age, just retired,

a library in

to a few rooms.

of loss would swell and wash over us the last five years that David and

would not trade

New

I

for anything.

like a

When

Zealand.

would write of their world

more sharply our confinement

I

as college students in

travels,

we

felt

Now and then a sense

rogue wave. But

had together were

all

in

all,

a blessed time that

Anyone who has not endured

this

may find it hard to comprehend, but what looks like a hopeless and depressing situation from the outside can feel very different living

when you are

it.

David occasionally commented, without bitterness, that the medical

treatments that were saving his

225

life

were also

killing

him.

I

once

— KATHLEEN NORRIS asked it

if

he would rather not have known that he had the cancer

was too

with

full

late for

medical intervention, or

knowledge of

replied. "Absolutely." less

out of fear that

tention

it

I

I

had

to marvel that

role changes.

He had

meal. At times

was so exhausted

I

a child the care

My

cooked

I

and

at-

prayer to

by

step, as

I

con-

prepared our

I

could barely stand, and

to bed.

as well as

child-

always been the cook in our

directed me, step

me I would have gone

tain his weight, so

who had remained

being answered anew, and David and

now he

been up to

know," he quickly

a full-time caregiver.

household, and I

I,

was incapable of giving

know motherhood was

many

he would rather be living

his condition. "It's better to

would need, was now

tended with

if

until

I

if it

had

But David needed to maincould.

A

curious transition

took place: as David withered physically, his depression diminished

and mine increased. A water aerobics primary consolation

lay in

knowing

class

that

helped keep I

me sane, yet my

could provide so

David. That he was obviously living on borrowed time

much

made

for

us sad;

we could enjoy the time we did have. Though I would not describe

still,

these years as happy,

we

often

felt

not explain, but only accept in a grateful

As

spirit.

my husband's health declined, I became something of a warrior

in his defense.

I

kept a bag packed with a computerized

list

medications and other pertinent data that we would need rush to a hospital.

I

made

of David's

if

we had to

the 911 calls giving the readings

home oximeter, a device that registers the oxygen vital

we could

a deep contentment that

level in the

on our

blood

information for ambulance crews. During these crises David was

usually in too

firemen

much

respiratory distress to speak, so

who were often

first

responders, as well as

and nurses. What was increasingly difficult

226

after

I

dealt with the

EMTs, ER

doctors,

each such episode was

ACEDIA from

to descend

crisis

mode and lay down my arms. When I compared we agreed

notes with other caregivers,

was our most

alert

ME

&

that having to be

debilitating challenge.

on constant

During David's last five years,

when he was hospitalized more than a dozen times, I learned more than I

ever

wanted

patients

work

to

know about how hospitals function and how much all

need someone to advocate for them.

—an

room, staying

and I could

most of the

for

me

gladly assigned give

day.

chores to do.

—and

set

The wards were

me on

the night

when my

stages of aplastic anemia,

When

I

father,

had

thought about

had chosen

to

do

what had shaped

a

to

in David's

service, as if we

who was

to

me and

usually short-staffed,

became my family's hospital go-to person:

I

up shop

The nurses became used

David more personal

default

I

book review

editing project, a

my

would often take

I

were

at

home. By

my mother phoned

then approaching the

last

go to an emergency room.

my writing at

all, I

book about acedia when

I

had

to ask myself

why

was losing so much of

my life and given it meaning: the loving presences of

my father and my husband, both good-humored and decent men. I had indeed taken on "the devil himself," and was being shown that in order to write about acedia,

the ebbing of gentle,

my

even as

sisters also

I

had

to experience

father's life as

my husband was

became

gravely

ill,

it

big-time.

I

had

to witness

he became more helpless, quiet, and living

more

and required

precariously.

One

a lengthy surgery

of

my

on her

esophagus, three weeks in an ICU, and six of recovery in a nursing

home. For a time

I

visited her

on one

floor of the hospital, then

my hus-

band on another. While I was able to perform the basic duties required of me, often fully

numb.

It

helped that David and

aware of our situation.

When

I

saw the same

internist,

I

was

who was

the proverbial backbreaking straw

227

— KATHLEEN NORRIS came, and

it

seemed

likely that

surance, both David and

my endurance.

I

we would

recognized that

our group medical

lose I

had reached the

in-

limits of

consulted the doctor for help, and she characterized

I

my condition as perpetual posttraumatic stress syndrome, precipitated not by one

crisis

but by a never-ending string of them. She offered

samples of an antidepressant, which advised effect,

I

was glad

to accept.

me

The doctor

me that the medication would require at least two weeks to take

but

I

felt

that a weight

had been

lifted in

having consulted

her.

A friend had told me that for her taking antidepressants had been like going from night into day. Though shift in

I

did not undergo so dramatic a

mood, I thought the pills were worth

bored no ambition but to

let

truth "Sufficient unto the day

a try.

each day go, content with the Gospel

is

the evil thereof" (Matthew 6:34, KJV),

and praying that I would wake with the strength aware that dens,

I

many

On most days I har-

to face the

people in the world contend with

also prayed for the ability to better accept the

fering that

dawn. Well

far greater

bur-

measure of suf-

was mine.

The Comedy of Grace Throughout this

distressing time

at myself.

Once, when

an

about

article

of hope."

I

in lethargy,

I

received a copy of

my writing in which the author termed me "a docent

How strange it was to be reminded that the books I had writDakota, The Cloister Walk, Amazing Grace,

and The Virgin of Bennington

The

did have plenty of occasion to laugh

was sunk deep

ten over the past decade

ing

I

good news while disparity

I

—were out there

sat stupefied,

in the world, proclaim-

unable to write even a postcard.

was grim, but funny: God's grace working despite

228

my

ACEDIA weakness, or maybe because of

my work as

and

it.

a fraud, which, as

pens when "that which gave

ME

&

was tempted

I

to regard myself

Dorothee Soelle notes, often hap-

life its

meaning has become empty and

One decides that it has all been "an error, an illusion that is shat-

void."

The paths

tered ... a void.

that lead to this experience of nothingness

are diverse, but the experience of annihilation that occurs ...

is

the same."

Although ters

I

like a big

I felt

nothing,

realized that the thoughtful let-

I

continued to receive from readers did

mean something, and that

my work could be considered fraudulent only if of spiritual celebrity. By that

books on have

spirituality

the notion that people

do so because they've got

traffic

it is

band's

not proficiency that heals

with success or

the fact that life

welcome

failure. It

does

us,

but

faith,

write

figured out,

and

was cleaning out

this task,

because

still

his urinals

had any I

does not

it

and commodes? I even came to

signified that part of

functioning normally.

another day with him.

possible,

faith

my most "spiritual" activity during the last year of my hus-

body was

I

and

know comedy: how else to explain

I

my husband's bat-

On waking each morning I

loved to hear the sound of David's breathing, as

than

it all

who

somehow "succeeded" at the spiritual life. Jesus reminds us, how-

ever, that

tered

mean

I

bought into the myth

I

it

already had enjoyed far

held the promise of

more time with him

right to expect. If praying the psalms

could thankfully

rest in this

had become im-

moment before getting to work

and making the prayer of the commode.

The comedy of grace

is

and foul-smelling waste; scented flowers,

that

if it

it

so often

came

we would not be

to do, take personal credit for the

comes

as gain, gladness,

grateful.

We

and sweetly

would, as we are wont

unwarranted

229

to us as loss, sorrow,

gifts

of God.

It is

easy

KATHLEEN NORRIS

—which one dictionary and protection bestowed on people" — but much

be attracted to the idea of grace

to

"divine love

defines as

freely

when

harder to recognize this grace

it

comes

as pain

change. In the depths of our confusion and anger, this it

be God's love? Where

must

give us things

where we didn't want landscape of our never before.

And maybe

know we needed and

womanizer

—

—has

God

find that

phrase in

Burnt-Out Case,

him

can

cold.

He

and disgust with himself and with

crazily altered

Graham

comedy.

Greene's tragicomic

articulates for

me

this all-too-

of a renowned architect whose

is

in his profession

left

"How

enjoying our attention as

is

that's the point. It is a divine

situation. Greene's story

worldly success

ask:

take us to places

As we stumble through the

aridity," a

A

novel of acedia,

didn't

we

we

God in this disaster?" For grace to be grace,

is

to go.

lives,

"The grace of

human

we

and unwelcome

and

can

in his personal

feel

others.

life,

as a

nothing except boredom

Even laughter has become

incomprehensible to him, as offensive as a bad odor. As the novel begins, the

man is traveling to a remote African leper colony run by a re-

ligious order.

or

He seeks "an empty place, a place where no new building

woman would remind me

that there

with a vocation and a capacity to love physician suspects that the

man

is

was a time when

—

if it

was

love."

I

was

The

alive,

colony's

"a burnt-out case," like a leper in

whom the disease has run its course. He may be cured, and no longer contagious, but his mutilations

prevent

him from

burnt-out cases, tent to

feeling at

this

do odd jobs

—

in this case,

home

it

will

again in society. Like the other

accomplished and cosmopolitan

at the clinic if

—

wounds of the soul

means

that he doesn't have to re-

turn to the demands of living in the outside world.

230

man will be con-

ACEDIA

ME

&

The architect, wishing there to be no mistake about this, insists that any capacity for religious

he has

lost

priests

and brothers

at the

faith.

But

this

only makes the

mission admire his humility. To them he

seems a great man, whose decision to help them build a hospital in such a lowly place

must be divinely inspired. The more the man denies any

motives for himself, the more the others see

spiritual

God

at

you

in

—comic because two people both speak — him, "Don't

him. In one bitingly comic scene ing at cross-purposes, yet

work

are talk-

truly

a priest says to

been given the grace of

see that perhaps you've

aridity?

Perhaps

even

now you are walking in the footsteps of St. John of the Cross." The

man

replies that the ability to

(who

is

pray has deserted him, but the priest

half burnt-out himself,

senses in

him

and

terribly lonely) replies that

a deep "interior prayer, the prayer of silence."

man

anticonversation ends, each the priest asks, "You really

retreats into his isolation.

do understand, don't you?" the

As

he

this

When

architect

responds with "an expression of tired despair."

Acedia contains within spair, is

itself

so

many

ennui, boredom, restlessness, impasse,

concepts: weariness, defutility.

Spiritual dryness

the state explored by the sixteenth-century Carmelite John of

the Cross, a patron saint of poets, in his long

poem Dark Night of the

Soul His characterization of the signs of this condition ognized by anyone art, prayer,

struction

has ever

felt

you

How

try to think of

first

sign of difficulty or ob-

ways to move past

yourself, shooting each fresh idea

foolish of

project, that

you

God. You

tell

easily rec-

stymied, whether in writing,

marriage, or parenting. At the

you defeat work.

who

is

it,

but

down

at

every turn

as unlikely to

to have ever believed in that person, that

yourself that whatever

231

may

have worked

KATHLEEN NORRIS in the past won't help

now, and you grow cynical

the second stage, you are severely tempted to

gave your ity,

when

life

joy and meaning. This

desire itself seems dead,

in

your despair. At

abandon whatever once

a time of great spiritual arid-

is

and forsaking hope seems the only

adult thing to do.

But John detected a third

sign,

and

the good does not die easily in us, and

it is

upon

tricky. Evidently, desire for

discovering that

we are un-

dilemma we grow anxious and obsessed. "The most

able to flee our

confusing and damnable part of the dark night," notes the Carmelite

Constance Fitzgerald, "is the suspicion and fear that ness

we

is

of one's

own

are carrying,

we

much of the dark-

making." Adding this load of guilt to the burden further

undermine our sense of purpose. There

seems no way out, no access to the inner fortitude we would need to stay the course. Fitzgerald

reminds

us,

however, that we can trust in the

assurance of "the psychologists and the theologians, the poets and the Mystics"

who

over

many epochs and

in diverse cultures have insisted

growth and transfor-

that "impasse can be the condition for creative

mation

if

the experience of impasse

is

fully appropriated." In other

words, the dark night must be entered and endured. There are no shortcuts, only the passage through.

We can, of course, turn to spiritual mentors

—

trusted physician or pastor

for counsel.

—

friends, a spouse, a

We can ask for psychotropic

drugs that might ease our passage through the roughest parts of the journey,

and clear our vision enough so

past obstacles

and

trust in the world.

fears.

We

that

We can learn to believe in ourselves again and

can look for messengers

ward the good news we have been unable occasion

we are able to see our way

who

to find

will point us to-

on our own.

On one

when I was both physically and spiritually exhausted, 232

feeling

ACEDIA at

my

wit's end,

I

hollyhock flower. that

took a walk and noticed a bumblebee entering a

It

an

infant's

poem about

to write a

which I compare the bee fort, to

and cheered

surprised, touched,

was compelled

I

ME

&

at its labors, its

mouth

it,

"Body and Blood,"

whole body quivering with

at the breast. If a

hymn reminds me, "His

eye

is

in ef-

bee could find sustenance

in a patch of weedy roadside hollyhocks, perhaps

the gospel

me in such a way

on

I

could as well.

the sparrow,"

it is

If,

also

as

on

the bee. I

find that John's "signs" or stages of impasse are likely to present

themselves whenever

I

am on the verge of making a new commitment.

As I head into the unknown, self-doubts emerge, along with the temptation to settle for less than I

at first

am if,

had believed possible.

forced to admit that the

.

.

.

If

things go wrong,

attempt to place the blame anywhere but on myself. Finally

as Fitzgerald says,

ing

I

new

venture will

come

I

to fruition only

can "make the passage from loving [and] serv-

I

because of the pleasure and joy

it

gives ... to loving

and

serving regardless of the cost." This requires great resolve in the face of a crushing acedia; but having witnessed

more

were transformed

as

of me,

have learned a

I

feel that

this process

the future.

I

through.

I

I

also

fully

how both my marriage and

I

embraced what caregiving required little

about what

know that I am

it

likely to

can

mean

come up

to see

short in

Commitment always costs, and there is a particular burden

in loving another person, if for

beloved will one day

die.

This

no other reason than the

is

the true strength of a

to give birth, despite the odds. This

band, wife, or parent.

It is

is

the love

fact that this

woman willing

demanded of any hus-

the freely chosen love Virgil spoke of to

Dante, and the love that Dante came to realize moves the the stars.

233

moon and

KATHLEEN NORRIS

Elvis,

Augustine, and the Nonnegotiables

This vast and beautiful love

keeping

my

head

on the ground.

is

also practical,

in the clouds

I

serve

it

but by remembering that

me

have taught

found

bility

my

by

feet are

the value of what

and love other people as they

my

friend Sister Judy calls the

"nonnegotiables" of stability, community, and prayer. For I

best not

My Benedictine friends, who understand that genuine

asceticism consists of learning to live with are,

and

my community in

marriage, and

my husband

many years

and

I

had

sta-

of place in western South Dakota. David served two terms on the

Lemmon town council, and I worked for many years at the small pubgardened, David cooked.

lic library. I

When my first book was at

home. In

tity,

a national success, not

equally famous or infamous as the case

we were

have been

wheat or

the only ones

far less

a

known quan-

may be. David and I were

who knew that,

that

my books were on the best-

had they known,

this fact

would

important to our neighbors than the price of spring

cattle.

David and

I still

enjoyed visiting

family in Boston, Chicago,

come to

is

for us

town who subscribed to the Sunday New York Times,

and we did not mind

seller list,

much changed

a small town, or a monastery, everyone

the only people in

so

We worked odd jobs; we wrote.

New York, and

appreciate small-town

became too

ill

to travel

cities,

life,

and

it

and seeing friends and

San Francisco. But we had

was a

real

blow when David

back and forth between Honolulu and our

beloved prairie lands. Hawai'i was not a bad place to be stranded, as

my immediate family was there. Yet he and I were accustomed to quiet, and the urban

stillness

life.

of true dark

Honolulu

is

at night,

and we uneasily readapted

an exceptionally lovely

234

city,

but

it is

to

also con-

ACEDIA gested

and

noisy.

We would

&

have sought out a more serene rural area

had David not required good access

ment had been sudden

—we

many

an emergency room

left

to medical facilities.

home

more

—and

clear that

come

we might go home

we would need

break, hitting the

low, yet even that

a

Honolulu

most of Holy Week one year with

on Good

Friday.

the next few

room with

a

months

I

North Dakota, and

place.

market

We

still

got a wel-

right away,

I

spent

real estate

for one, naturally

move in

it

at a twelve-year

companionable Jewish

couldn't

endless:

only in a liturgical sense.

condominium. I signed

David and

seem

summer. Soon, though,

real estate if

to

Honolulu, when we

more permanent

was disorienting,

agent, looking for a

came

in Bismarck,

for the

Our displace-

middle of the night for

it

in a short-term winter rental in

could hope that

was

in the

miles away

two months of David's recuperation several

ME

enough,

and we spent

living in a four-hundred-odd-square-foot hotel

and glorious view.

a microwave, mini-refrigerator,

Just

below us was the Ala Moana Beach Park, and we could see past down-

town and the

airport, out to the

Wai'anae range west of the

city.

watched airplanes take off and land, and ships coming and going port or at Pearl Harbor. Every Friday evening sailboats that left a

we enjoyed

We

in the

the colorful

nearby yacht harbor for a pau hana (after-work)

cruise,

making

hotel's

management, we had

a large circle in the water. Courtesy of a friend in the

David continued

to have

this

room

for a

nominal

pulmonary crises with

all

fee.

of the attendant

drama: ambulances, ER, ICU. But most of the time, for up to eighteen hours a day, he

morning I

I

shopped

we had

slept,

recovering from the blood clot in his lung. In the

worked on The for

Virgin of Bennington,

and

in the afternoon

household furnishings. By a quirk of fate

sublet,

and

in

—

in

New York

South Dakota we had moved into a furnished

235

KATHLEEN NORRIS home

—

I

found myself

fully for the first

time in

in

my

early fifties having to furnish a place

my life. We needed a bed and mattress, cook-

ware, towels, clothes hangers, drapes, a dining

on

dishes to put I

it. I

didn't enjoy

all

room

the shopping, but

table,

had to be done.

it

clipped discount coupons from the Honolulu papers and

regular in the kitchen, bath, stores.

for

David

life.

keep in mind that

tried to

to enjoy in

Although

this

I

Once

I

last

years of his

was an uncommonly stressful time, we could

had finished The Virgin of Bennington, I

would

was working to make a pleasant space

what we both knew would be the

unable to write or pray. in

I

new place.

the stability of our marriage. But other fundaments of

shaken.

a

me a great deal, by

drawings of furniture on graph paper so that

scale

avoid buying anything too large for our I

became

and furniture sections of the department

David happily occupied himself, and helped

making

and the

tried to meditate

on

I

my

rely

on

were

life

found myself

Scripture, but foundered

my attempts to make it a daily practice. I was not yet part of a faith

community until

Honolulu;

I

had convinced myself that

this

could wait

we had settled into our apartment. With my writing and my spir-

itual life article

had

in

diminished,

I

was stunned when friends sent

me copies of an

by an otherwise reasonable theologian, Ronald

called

me

Rolheiser,

"an Augustine for our time." This seemed more than

faintly ridiculous:

Augustine was highly educated,

systematic theologian, and

I

am

I

am

reluctant to put the

not; he

treated the article

I

have treated the

women

in his.

men

Around

in

my

the

life

I

I

a

to-

can

better than Augustine

same time

appeared, a journalist wrote that

was

two words

gether in a sentence. If we both have confessed our sins publicly,

only hope

who

that the Rolheiser

had "introduced many

American Protestants to Catholic monastic prayer the way Elvis Presley

236

ACEDIA

&

ME

introduced white Americans to black rhythm and blues." Well, take that to your cell

means

that

While its

own,

it

quired for anxieties,

I

I

and smoke

now die

can

Augustine and

it:

happy, having done

was surprised that

and

nonnegotiables.

fears

asked whether

I

lost

I

never

presence in

gift

it

my own life. And I

of Christian community:

was enough

could not pray,

to I

know

that

If

my presence was still re-

felt

abandoned. When a friend

and honoring the

love,

even

when

I

I

believed

did not sense

could appreciate as never before the

God

did not seem to be there for me, active in the lives of others. If

I

Benedictines were praying. Throughout

the world, in whatever time zone,

pressing

and

God was

knew that the

this

it all.

my faith, I replied, "Of course not."

in the reality of God's providence its

suppose

And despite the dislocations, weariness,

of that time,

had

I

my literary reputation had a vitality all

was heartening to be reminded that life's

Elvis!

all

day long, every day, they were ex-

utter stability of God's love.

237

xiii.

And

to the

End Arriving

A Church That No Longer Exists

My husband no longer

exists."

pre-Vatican in the

used to describe himself as "a

II era,

Having been raised

of a church that

Roman

Catholic in the

he was disoriented by wedding or funeral services

contemporary Church. He heard the Mass

inspired translation from the Latin, bias

a

member

had sometimes been imposed

original.

He was

and was indignant that a gender

in English

where none existed

from memory. He'd mutter,

know

it

in the

glad to see altar girls alongside altar boys, but

noyed him that many of the kids could not

to

as a not particularly

in Latin."

darkly,

recite the

"When I was an

The schmaltzy hymn

tunes,

it

an-

Nicene Creed

altar boy,

some

we had from

lifted

Broadway musicals, made him laugh. At times he would remark, "My mother would not recognize

this place as a Catholic church."

David's relationship with the

Church was never

less

than a com-

plex blend of love and loathing, yet he remained grateful to the Jesuits for his education.

When he attended Regis High School in Manhattan,

four years of Greek and Latin were required, as well as two of a

mod-

ern language. David often expressed affection for his philosophy,

liter-

— ACEDIA ature,

and mathematics

classics scholar

dents, to take

teachers,

had agreed,

on

a

ME

&

and was

from teaching graduate

after retiring

bunch of teenage

eminent

grateful that an

boys. Both the school

mate who went on Metropolitan

become an

to

art historian,

New

and

York City gave David a wealth of formative opportunities. With a

stu-

class-

David frequented the

Museum of Art; with other students he attended double-

billed films in the aging

movie palaces around Times Square.

A Regis

teacher with a brother in the theater business often gave students tickets to

Broadway shows. Because he was were

tural range, David's tastes

eclectic:

free to explore so

wide a

cul-

he would attend a performance

of Bach's B-Minor Mass at an Upper East Side church, but also go to the Brooklyn

Paramount

coffin to sing

"You Put

YMHA,

a Spell

on Me."

A

his fourteenth birthday,

Hawkins emerge from

regular at the

he heard readings by W. H. Auden,

Moore. For ets to a

to see Screamin' Jay

T. S. Eliot,

David asked

92nd

a

Street

and Marianne

his parents for tick-

Nina Simone concert.

The Church had always been an

essential part of his family's

life.

His father had been with the Jesuits for nearly ten years, leaving just be-

and many of his friends were

fore he

would have made

Jesuits.

When David was a boy, he cooked many meals for these "black

robes";

on one occasion Bishop Fulton Sheen, whose

lies

his final vows,

had made him a national

celebrity,

televised

homi-

was among the guests. But when

David was a teenager, the Christian religion

lost its

meaning

for

him.

He could still get A's in theology classes, because he knew the material, yet he

no longer took

it

and about the time an

seriously.

Though he would joke about

elderly priest

ing a heartfelt confession

—

say that the Jesuits at Regis

his pain

fell

was

asleep real

when David was mak-

and enduring. He used

seemed well aware

239

this

that

when

it

came to

to

re-

KATHLEEN NORRIS ligious faith they

classmates told

would win some and

became

priests,

lose

some. While several of his

David counted himself among the

lost.

He

me of once waking on the living room sofa at a classmate's house,

after a night little sister

to a later

a bleary

of drinking and arguing philosophy, to see the classmate's

bound down

the

stairs,

Mass?" she inquired

"Much, much

dressed for church. "Are you going

brightly.

David could respond only with

later."

By the time I met him, David had not been but he often said that

years,

this

His was a lonely faith that

was the one sacrament he

is

shared,

Catholics. Despite his disavowals,

and while him,

I

I

never urged

him

God had

him through

I

suspect,

him

not rejected him.

it

that while he

many

really missed.

by many former

David seemed very Catholic

to attend Mass, as

did sometimes remind

Church,

to confession in

to

me,

usually depressed

had

rejected the

God had many ways

of finding

the beauty of the things he loved: nature, poetry, music,

and higher mathematics. David appreciated my certainty, and the faith of others could cheer him.

He proudly

emergency room nurse told him to stabilize

after she

and a physician had labored

him when he was in severe respiratory distress. This middle-

aged, red-haired care,

repeated to friends what an

honey,

woman

with a breezy, maternal

air

had

said,

"Take

God isn't done with you yet."

We seldom spoke of it in these terms, but in David's last years I observed the positive attributes of his Catholic upbringing coming to the fore.

ing

I

marveled

frailty,

at the grace

with which he incorporated his increas-

so that laughter, joy,

and hope were always a part of his

And I credit David's Catholic faith for his ability to live fully in

life.

dimin-

ished circumstances, accepting with grace what Dorothee Soelle terms

"unavoidable suffering." For the

last five years

240

of his

life,

that included

ACEDIA severe pain

from

years before

had

forties,

a

ME

&

broken shoulder. The original injury from a

alerted doctors to David's osteoporosis; a

this

condition might be a punishment for his having em-

ployed an elderly

woman,

until years later,

arm

cerous lung had to raise his again.

There was no fixing

remind people not

it

to grab

and although

surgically without a pin,

David had only a limited range of motion

problem

primary muse.

his beloved Ariana, as his

The break had been repaired

a

in his

they told us, should not have had such a bad break. David

quipped that

come

man

fall

when

him by

it

did not be-

way that the shoulder broke

he had to

the

arm,

the surgeon removing his can-

in such a

after that;

in that

left

arm.

live

with the pain, and

Of the

six

oxycodone

pills

per day he was prescribed, David generally took only two or three;

two

to help

him

sleep at night,

and one during the day

worse than usual. David never called his

many

the sufferings of Christ. But ultimately that this gave

him

Some

is

afflictions his share

what

it

was

for him,

of

and

of the saints of David's childhood regained significance for

He had been

impressed that

Easter before her death, her radiantly confident faith

"[God] permitted

ness,"

the pain was

strength.

him, particularly Therese of Lisieux.

ren:

if

my

soul to be

swamped by

at the

had turned bar-

the thickest dark-

Therese wrote, "so that the thought of heaven which had been

so sweet to

me became

nothing but a subject of bitterness and tor-

ment." David greatly admired her determination to regard this experience as a grace, a gift

with unbelievers; he ing a

from God that enabled her to identify more

felt

that this

made

her his saint.

volume of the dramas she had written

convent, he decided to translate

them

to be

into English.

Upon

fully

discover-

performed

in her

He approached the

Carmelites for permission, and found out that they were looking for

241

— KATHLEEN NORRIS such a translator; they hired him on the spot. David loved the

and he made a valiant effort with them, visiting a Carmelite con-

plays,

vent in North Dakota and lugging the manuscript with to the

South

turned bad

But he had begun so

Pacific.

—

failure,

he procrastinated

a publishing deadline,

puter

files

much

college, graduate school, his first

tended to expect ects,

little

even sought

terribly.

it

out.

him

—twice had

in his life that

marriage

—

that he

As with so many of his

proj-

The Carmelites were desperate to meet

and he somehow managed

on which he had worked

for years.

com-

to destroy the

Though he was

able to

submit several dramas in hard copy, he apologized, returned the small advance he'd received, and

felt

extremely

not just the Carmelites but the saint

I

"You know,"

I

tears

let

down

told him,

and

said,

know." That is a Catholic.

David died

at

age fifty-seven, after the sudden onset of an infection

pneumonia. His pulmonologist,

that quickly turned into

physicians in the last years of his

cuperative powers. Here was a large

herself.

he had

David burst into

"that she has already forgiven you." "Yes.

guilty, as if

life,

had been astounded

like all

of his

at David's re-

man with one lung who had survived a

pulmonary edema, repeated episodes of bronchitis and pneumo-

nia, including aspiration

pneumonia, and surgery

After the hip replacement, David sive physical therapy; his

cess stories, you're a

surgeon

for a

had required nearly said, "You're

broken

hip.

a year of inten-

not just one of my suc-

walking miracle." But the pulmonologist warned

us that with David's weakened lung he would one day get an infection

he would not be able to shake. The doctor promised that when that

happened he would do everything possible to make David comfortable,

and went on to don't

want us

say,

"Given your condition,

to start

it

again."

"Good 242

if your

to know,"

heart ever stops,

David replied

you

quietly,

ACEDIA and

it

was.

know what that

It

allowed us to

to do.

moment did

And

ME

&

feel that

when

the time

came we would

turned out to be exactly what

it

arrive, to help

David counted among

needed when

I

my husband have a peaceful death.

his favorite prayers the final utterance

of

compline (from the Latin for "complete"), the prayer service that ends the day:

"May

the Lord grant us a peaceful night, and a perfect end."

Where he was concerned, I understood filled, to

all

the best of

that prayer as a duty to be ful-

my ability, and with

God's help.

what we expected. In the months before

doing

well,

and we were heartened when

had passed the

five-year

highly unlikely that

David responded to

it

And

his death

return.

On

his oncologist said that as

cancer,

it

he

was

a routine visit to his internist

— "How the usual question

things considered, he

at

David had been

mark with no recurrence of the

would

was not

it

are

you

feeling?"

—by

good. We attended a Labor

Day

saying that,

all

picnic with

my family, and in early October, a wine-and-Champagne-

felt

tasting dinner at a hotel restaurant.

David was pleased that he had

been able to enjoy the evening without resorting to the oxygen tank

had brought along

in a canvas bag.

The end began with ing in October.

news and some silliness

his

I

a

cough

had gone

to

in the

of Conan O'Brien.

which was not

I

wee hours of a Tuesday morn-

bed while David stayed up

late-night television.

cough worried me;

replied,

He was

upped

his intake,

David didn't argue.

watch the

When he came to bed, at around two a.m.,

asked

if

he was

all right.

"I'm not sure," he

his usual response. Alert to a potential crisis,

but that didn't help. "We're going I

to

addicted to the inspired

got out the oximeter and found that his oxygen level was I

I

called 911,

I

much too low.

in,"

I

said,

and

and the ambulance arrived within

minutes. All of this was routine for us

243

—one EMT remembered us from

KATHLEEN NORRIS an

earlier call

—but David was uneasy. As he was being placed

ambulance, he grabbed

my hand and

The physician on duty thought and send him home

said,

"I'm afraid."

at first that

an hour or two.

in

delirious

he could

staff.

from having too much carbon dioxide

he could not expel. That had never happened to him.

hand and looking into I

thought, "This

ing to a nurse

me, because

is

his eyes

death."

who was

when

a

David

But then he be-

in his system that I

was holding

shadow passed over his

David nearly did die

present. She

treat

And initially David responded

well to the practiced ministrations of the medical

came

in the

at that

and

face,

moment, accord-

had been shocked, she had been so

his descent into a critical state

his

later told

rapid.

When suctioning David's lung did not produce the desired result, the doctor wanted to put

him

him on

a ventilator that

to labor so

I

agreed to

hard just to breathe.

impossible things before.

Still,

had not wanted to be kept

alive

doctors assured

I

it

for

was new: David had never needed

until the crisis passed. This also

such a drastic measure.

would breathe

because

I

did not want

him to have

had seen him recover from apparently

the decision troubled me, because he

on

a

machine

if

there was

no hope. The

me that once he was able to breathe again on his own

they would remove the device. It

took

many hours to

get

David out of the ER;

his doctor insisted

that he be placed in an intensive care unit rather than a regular

David had no recollection of the move but was conscious again Tuesday night, and for

all

his exhaustion

I

late

on

he was in a good mood.

spent the night in his room, sleeping on a windowsill that his nurses

room.

I

I

promised

would vacate by six a.m., when the supervisor would make

her rounds. In the morning David

medical news was sobering; he

still

rallied,

amazing

couldn't breathe

244

his doctor.

on

his

The

own, and

ACEDIA

&

ME me notes:

was weakening, but he seemed unaffected. He wrote

his heart

me

he wanted

to

thank the nurses for their help, and he wanted the

morning newspaper.

The pulmonologist, a man with

a blessedly calming presence, said

that things could go either way. "If

you come through

David, "you will face a long recovery." That was nothing the medical situation was serious

and I

sister;

also told

even

if

said, "we'll see if he's

Later in the day another physician

David on the ventilator,

for

we had spoken

wanted the machine turned

sor,

A group

and as David

us,

off,

but

I

and

going to pull through."

to her previously

to find

about his

But when asked whether he

David shook

his

head and scrawled

a

of student doctors arrived with their profes-

me a slew of questions about David's

slept they asked

medical history that

see him. "Tonight

making rounds was upset

desire not to be kept alive artificially.

yet."

new to

enough that I phoned David's brother

my family to come if they wanted to

"Not

he told

he could not talk to them, he could hear their voices.

tomorrow," the doctor

note:

this,"

was glad

to answer.

I

can only hope that

I

will

never be so interesting to medical students.

David squeezed

when

I

slept for

returned later that night,

had suggested swelling.

I

I

remove

on

My

I

found that he had a new nurse, a

his it

wedding ring because safe for

him and

told

his

hand was

him I loved him.

response, which troubled me. Early the next

entered his room,

"He's been replied.

and well into Thursday, but he

named Maureen. I told him that, and also that she

promised to keep

He made no I

that day

my hand when I spoke to him. I left for supper and a nap, and

pleasant Irishwoman

when

most of

a

I

asked the day nurse

downward trend

heart sinking,

I

morning

how David was

doing.

for the last twelve hours," the nurse

said, "I guess that's all

245

I

need to know."

KATHLEEN NORRIS body was shutting down, and only a heart medication and the

David's

ventilator were keeping

him

alive.

asked the nurse what would happen

I

tor now,

and he

from two

said that

nologist,

David would gasp

to twenty-four hours.

had not been such

a

we removed

if

the ventila-

for breath for

My decision

in the

anywhere

emergency room

bad one, after all. I consulted with David's pulmo-

who promised to come soon. He authorized the nurse to stop

administering anything but pain medication, which allowed David to die I

on

a Friday

morning, a good Catholic boy to the

had more than an hour alone with him, except

in occasionally to read the

to

David and

recited

loved, but

hoped

into Paradise."

who came

vital signs.

spoke

I

some poetry. He responded only once, when

hymn

requiem

for a nurse

monitors registering his

the Kyrie Eleison. Lord, have mercy, indeed. for the

Before he died

last.

I

could not

me

on

he

would do: "May the angels lead you

David muttered something incomprehensible, and

a faint pressure

said

recall the Latin

"In Paradisum," which David had told

that the English

I

felt

I

my hand.

watched the monitors

as his heart rate slowly declined.

The

nurses had told

me

more

and

asked whether

wanted anyone with me, whether

I

I

told

I

us.

I

one appeared

him

at the

for I

to read,

him

to die,

would be

all right.

my husband. I hadn't requested

door and asked

couldn't refuse, and was grateful that the

spontaneous prayer. like

could take an hour or

them that I needed this time with

a chaplain, but

with

it

if

he could pray

man had a gift

for

He asked whether there was a Scripture passage I'd

and

I

the Bible in his hands,

said I

Psalm

asked,

27. But, casting a suspicious eye

"What

translation

is

that?"

It

on

was the

New International Version. "That's not acceptable," I told him, and explained that

my husband was

a poet

246

and needed more beautiful

lan-

ACEDIA guage. As

I

did not want to

requests, but the

woman's handbag. This

am only trying to

heard me. for a

I

is

purse.

asked

I

It

had been

doing this to

I

a

receive

I

am

told David, but certain that he off him

attempted a one-handed retrieval of the book from I

was thus occupied, the nurse told

us,

"His

could only sigh and say that David was always

I

me in airports, too. The minute my back was turned, he'd

be off somewhere, and

I'd

have to go look for him. "See," the nurse

"he was being himself, right up to the end."

replied,

asked the chaplain to read the psalm, and after a brief but mov-

ing prayer of blessing parted.

I

on us and our marriage, he and the nurse dehonor the deep

stayed with David to

When

say a few final loving words. the nurses and told

them

that

I

I

the job of the prioress to

nurses hesitated, but by hysterical.

let his

at least

I

went

to

sister.

The

now they knew that I was not likely to become

as

heavy with edema, and move

it

was horrid,

go,

wash and dress the corpse of a

—

I

hand

room and

one community I know,

The body bag they brought was white

ing in Japan,

thought idly

I

—

the color of mourn-

helped them wipe David's body,

into the bag.

now

The sound of the zipper

final.

wanted

to stay with

company him

to the

process;

I

I

could

silence in the

wanted to help with the body. I find this

an admirable Benedictine practice: in

I

translation.

I

would not let go of his hand, but I did take my eyes

moment as

him

proved reluctant to root around in a

you a decent

find

heart has stopped."

I

man

becoming quite a spectacle,

the depths of my bag. While

it is

my husband's hand

from David, many years before. Hospital chaplains must

many odd

I

go of

let

ME

Book of Common Prayer from my

to dig out the gift

&

said

David

morgue.

didn't mind.

for as long as

I

could, so

I

asked to ac-

A nurse warned me that this was a grim I

did gasp at the table brought by the at-

247

KATHLEEN NORRIS tendant, which

human body

is

cleverly designed to disguise the fact that there

inside,

their families.

"Now,

down

mal

day.

depart.

I

that

is

cold,"

I

said, as

my husband's

the hallway hearing talk and laughter, as

At the morgue door

went

to find

pital shortly after

a

perhaps to avoid frightening other patients and

appeared inside the contraption. The nurse nodded. pass

is

I

It

corpse dis-

was strange

if this

to

were a nor-

could only sigh, thank the orderly, and

my mother and sister, who had arrived at the hos-

David had died.

Doing Nothingy Gallantly

One week after my husband's death, to the day and the hour, I accompanied

my

other sister to a hospital, where she was to begin post-

surgical treatment for breast cancer.

She

is

officially

designated as

"developmentally disabled" and refers to herself as "special." She had

wanted my company, she explained, because I knew all about this hospital stuff. It

was Halloween, and the costumed nurses gave the ward

festive air.

was impressed that even without the holiday decor the

place

had

I

clearly

been designed to

lift

a

the spirits. Each treatment chair

faced a window overlooking an expansive view, allowing patients to feel as if they were floating, in natural light.

and

not under a fluorescent glare but out of doors,

The two chemotherapy wards I had been

my father had been

in with

David

grim by comparison, with curtained cubicles

crowded like afterthoughts into windowless rooms; the patients probably

felt like

afterthoughts as well.

My sister's prognosis was excellent, and as this hospital primarily serves

women and

children,

it is

a place

more concerned with

than with death. The lobby and elevators are

248

full

of pregnant

birth

women,

ACEDIA and young parents with I

infants

&

and

ME

toddlers.

On a stroll later that fall

discovered the pediatric oncology ward and witnessed a bald child

happily pedaling a three-wheeler with a laughing aide in hot pursuit.

found a

also

I

chapel nearby, which was decorated with a

little

Christmas tree on which grieving parents had placed photographs and other

mementos of the

children they had

lost.

I

returned often, find-

ing comfort in a place where grief was so openly attested to and shared.

My sister has

always been

full

of surprises, and she charmed the

nurses and her oncologist with her positive attitude and good cheer.

was not feigned: she looked forward her out of the care

home where

to her

chemo

lives,

and the

she

sessions, as they got staff

showered her

with attention. She enjoyed deliberating over her lunch order and ceiving

was

all

re-

the juice, soft drinks, and snacks that she wanted. Best of all

a small

of Leave It

It

personal television

set,

on which she could watch reruns

Gunsmoke, and Bonanza. At

to Beaver,

home she shares a set

with four other women. Her side effects were minimal, and she didn't

even mind the hair to

anyone I

was

loss.

She got to don a striking wig and announce

who would listen, "I'm still

numb

with

gate the medical territory. riencing,

and brought

munity, and prayer, the I

quarter-century and

It

I

how I would

took

I

was glad

first

had

sister."

to help

my

sister navi-

me out of the void I had been expelife

that with David's

Of my three nonnegotiables, stability, comtwo had toppled, and the third was on an

lost

both the place

I

had

called

home

for a

my identity as a married woman. The community

of two that had constituted idea

but

a sense of familiarity to a

death had become foreign.

uncertain footing.

loss,

her only blonde

my

marriage was no more, and

I

had no

inhabit that devastating word, widow. As for prayer,

was not surprised that

acedia's

mocking 249

spirit

was

alive

within me,

KATHLEEN NORRIS when I most needed the consolation

or that

that prayer can bring,

unable to pray. Even the insight of Saint Augustine and

Merton

that the very desire to pray can be our

I

was

Thomas

most meaningful prayer

was of little comfort. was touched by the concern of the older widows

I

church

been attending,

I'd

yourself." "Don't

elderly

"You

who

gave

make any major

never get over

it," I

many years

died

realized that in

my arm, "it

good

my

does get

to

When one

before told me,

no way did I want

over" a relationship that had been the center of years. "But," she added, taking

Episcopal

sensible advice: "Be

decisions for a while."

woman whose husband had

will

me

at the

life

for so

easier,

to "get

many

over time."

A man told me about his own mother, recently deceased, who had lingered with Parkinson's and dementia. As she neared death, he reminded

her that she was loved by many people. "Of course people love me," she replied sharply, then softened as she slowly

grandchildren, and her husband,

named

her children and

who had been dead

for nearly forty

Love never ends.

years.

But

how terrible the absence of our beloved dead, and how beau-

tiful their

continued presence in memory.

acutely, the pain

washing over

me

in

When I missed David most

thunderous breaking waves,

would remind myself that I could not wish would mean

his

for

him

I

back, because that

having to endure more suffering. All of that was over

for him, the gasping for breath, the pain of that accursed cracked shoulder.

I

did not

again.

I

know what to hope

set aside

for,

but

I

knew that I needed

to pray

something from the Book of Common Prayer that had

been a mainstay

in the years of David's decline, the Prayer for the

Sanctification of Illness. This decidedly old-fashioned supplication for-

250

ACEDIA

ME

&

tunately had survived the 1979 revision of the book, it

often for David: "That the sense of his weakness

and seriousness

to his faith

with you in everlasting

him, was, "That's

life."

Dominican Paul

pediments to" their our

lives

we intend

David's response,

may appear

to have

life

and

of

faith. Yet

that they should.

I

It is

did

As a poet

feel fragile

proved suitable for acedia: "This

let

is

but make

up, help I

He reminds

part of what

aloud to

I

it

do with

to

illness,

many

and

me

as

Christians

from and im-

gift" if

rejoice in discerning corre-

I

my

everyday

life

and a deeper

us that "what binds reality

all

.

.

is

not

together

.

with the experience of

endowed with such an imag-

makes us human.

and disconnected

— also

forth,

read

when

Christianity teaches that the trials

symbolic imagination." We are

prayer for myself

If

little

random experience of day-to-day

ination.

may live

.

Philibert calls "an intentional symbolic life"

just for poets or priests.

is

that he

.

can be linked to Christ's suffering and "redemptive

wisdom, but what

faith

strength

frustration as distractions

spondences and connections between

the

.

may add

Philibert has written, "[Even]

interpret their suffering

in

and

had prayed

I

lovely."

Sanctification

the

to his repentance;

and

among

O

David died. But

I

found a

those intended for the sick

my mourning

another day,

after

and

Lord.

I

my

—

that

continuing struggle with

know

not what

it

will bring

me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand

to stand bravely. If

I

am

to

sit still,

help

me to

sit

quietly.

am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me

the Spirit of Jesus.

Amen."

Doing nothing,

gallantly.

Awake, not

251

asleep,

and not trying

to es-

KATHLEEN NORRIS cape. If "Rumpelstiltskin" provides a useful

of acedia, another

folktale, "Sleeping Beauty,"

nance for me. Acedia christening,

and

is

like the

bad

—

a deathlike sleep

but the king and queen as well, and to the scullery maids. Vines

and

all

—

not invited to a royal

is

The

and thickets grow up stories

down

to hide the castle

from

about what once was

there,

about a beautiful young princess. Only a foolish young

would

set

I

spell

on not only the princess

of their attendants, right

soon forgotten. There are

it is

falls

naming

has an even deeper reso-

who

fairy

for the

in her indignation exacts a terrible revenge.

she casts out of spite

view,

metaphor

out to find her, and his love alone can break the

man

spell.

picture acedia preening in fancy dress, then snarling at being ex-

cluded from the party. With what fierce determination she casts her

shadow on the all

festive scene.

And

I

picture myself as a

too willing to sleepwalk through

fully.

And then

a foolish

young woman,

my life instead of daring to live

young man came along, and

it

his quiet persis-

tence changed everything.

Raphael, God's Medicine

More than twenty years ago, when I became a Benedictine oblate, I had to

choose an oblate name.

I

selected Raphael, because he

is

the angel

named in the Book of Tobit, a charming if cautionary tale of wedlock. It

contains a bracingly comic domestic spat, the old

wife, is

Anna, going

also a

at

it

as

young couple

man Tobit and his

one suspects they have for many years. There

in the story

tempting to marry. The young

who

woman

face a

major obstacle in

has had seven bridegrooms,

but each has died on the wedding night. Understandably, she dent,

and she

is

ridiculed by her household

252

at-

staff.

is

despon-

When Tobias, son

of

ACEDIA marry

Tobit, seeks to

her,

he

is

mixed with

a

who

has

The pathos of the

tale

aided by the angel Raphael,

been sent from heaven, disguised is

ME

&

as a traveler.

heady dose of the ludicrous: Raphael and Tobit con-

coct an exorcism

by means of the

heart, liver,

and

gall

of a

fish,

and an-

cient Israel's version of a hibachi.

The

abbey's director of oblates, Father Robert West, presided at the

Mass where I made

my oblation. He had set aside the lectionary for the

day and instead preached on the passage from Tobit in which Raphael blesses Tobias before returning to heaven. says,

which

is

mans. "Bless that have story:

A

what

God

all

when

angels say

"Do not be afraid," the angel

they reveal themselves to hu-

forevermore," he adds. "Write

down

happened to you." Well, I have tried. But there

with God, there

few weeks

after

is

The cover evokes

Dad, sporting

husband

died,

I

book about patron

girl in

1950s

a fedora, sits at the

attire

my childhood, depict-

playing with their dog while

wheel of a two-toned sedan in the

robes and a halo with a cheesy, Velveeta-like glow.

its

in fun

pages

I

and once had nearly donated

discovered that October 24

day of Raphael, patron of lovers, missing David

but not to

all

terribly,

the pain that

imagine that when

I

this

saints, Saints Preserve Us!

driveway of their home. Towering over this scene

book for David

more to

looked up the date of his

the Dick-and-Jane readers of

ing a cheerful boy and

is

these things

always more.

my

death, October 24, in a

tion. In

all

travelers,

is

is

a saint in white

I

had bought the

it

to a

church auc-

traditionally the feast

and pharmacists.

I

was

still

caught in that bind of wanting his presence it

would mean

had

to let

him. The thought will console

me

him

for him. go,

It

was possible for

Raphael was there to catch

for the rest of

my life.

David and I had chosen our wedding day, September

253

me

29, for purely

KATHLEEN NORRIS and were resigned

practical reasons

thing about the date was that actor

it

and singer Gene Autry.

September 29

to believing that the only notable

marked the birthday of the cowboy

We

were

later

stunned

to learn that

the feast of the archangels Michael, Gabriel, and

is

Raphael. Flannery

O'Connor once

referred to Raphael as the angel of

many

years David

and

"happy meeting," and

for

thought that

had brought about our chance meeting, two

this angel

troubled souls

treasured the

I

who surely needed each other. From our first date, which

had been arranged by a friend who was

also a poet,

we were never

apart for

more than

were also

many difficult times over the years of our marriage, when the

belief that

kept I

it

and

a few weeks,

had been "made

that suited us fine. But there

in heaven"

was about the only thing that

me committed to it. Our relationship was nothing that David and

could have planned

was such a great times,

when

gift that

that

envisioned, or accomplished

for,

I

could not refuse

seemed the only

it

on our own.

It

even during the worst of

sensible thing to do. This final en-

counter with Raphael was pure blessing, and

I

choose to regard

it

as a

promise of a "happy meeting" yet to come. Raphael

is

the least

standards of Western

known

art.

In

of the three archangels, at least by the

many

great paintings

well as a host of kitschy ones, Michael Lucifer. Gabriel

is

is

a warrior

sculptures, as

doing battle with

in every painting of the Annunciation, as the

senger announcing to

Mary

It is

mes-

that she will bear the savior. Images of

Raphael are harder to come by in the United to the Southwest.

and

States, unless

easy to recognize the angel

church: he's the winged fellow carrying a

you head

when you

hobo sack and

enter a

a dead fish,

taking a stand against futility and the devil's wiles, ever ready to fight

254

ACEDIA for the radical possibilities

ME

&

opened by hope,

love,

and the judicious use

of hibachis.

David often grumpily disparaged the Christian "Doesn't

it

bother you that none of

matician he was fascinated with

and came

tain,

it is

how very little

to find the proofs of

than the surmises of religion.

true?"

faith,

saying to

me

As an amateur mathecan be

known

for cer-

mathematics more compelling

He took spiritual sustenance from the ar-

cana of binary codes and from the idea of numbers so huge as to be unfathomable, including "inaccessible cardinals"

—

a

term that can give

Roman Catholics a turn. David once compared exploring the big numbers to climbing in an ice

field,

shivering with cold but standing in

of the beauty, moving in small leaps or climbing to

go any further.

in third grade,

I

replied that

when I was

and

I

it

faced with the multiplication tables.

occurred to

called "angels"

for

our marriage:

cian Bernhard

them

it

we might come around on

like the differential

Riemann

few months

after following

our

the circle and

think he would love a simile that seems fitting

was

in the universe,

A

I

our

glimpsed when he equated truth with beauty.

in the place Keats

David was delighted.

at

me that what David called "big numbers"

might well be the same thing:

different paths to get there,

meet

unable

my impassable ice cliff had come to me

we were conversing about such matters

Late one night as

kitchen table,

ice walls, until

awe

insisted

equations the mathemati-

he had not invented; he had found

where God had hidden them.

after that late-night conversation,

David handed

me a new poem he had written. When I read it now, I realize that if he did have to "go away," find

him

I

have to learn to

present in these words:

255

live

with

that.

But

I

can always

.

The Higher Arithmetic by David

In heaven,

but

I

Dwyer

J.

I

do not know

know there

that there are angels,

numbers

are

there,

and

light.

(Arithmetic and heaven are both uncountably full

of light.) Inaccessible cardinals, there,

will lord

it

over mere

infinities;

the naturals will dance

is

is

no

the reals

how little we know.

Apart from numbers,

There

among

largest prime.

The Halting Problem

formally undecidable. Every subset

of a well-ordered set

Such things are

is

true,

well-ordered itself

And so on

.

.

even easy to prove.

Are there uncountably more, unknowably other true things about the world?

I

had

(and

to

go away.

this

is

A woman I love

true, too)

put an icon

of an archangel into the glove-compartment

of

my car. I

as

I

haven't looked, but

know there

is

no

I

know it

is

there,

largest prime.

Raphael, she said. His numberless wings cloak

poor

The

travellers

all

of us

who do not know, but are not lost.

angel, she said, of happy meeting, after

all.

A

XIV.

Widow's

Uneasy Afterword

Heaven, Again As

my husband's heart was failing and he neared death,

and ferocious temptation I

thought:

Christ,

What

no angels

The Christian teaching that

shaken to

its

if

to sing

this is true?

him

to his rest,

spiritual tradition

it is

What

I

if

there

is

a

sudden

no God, no

no meeting again

had prepared

when you most need your

foundations.

felt

Echoing David's habitual question,

to doubt.

none of

I

me

for this

faith that

have been told that

this

in heaven?

is

it is

moment,

likely to

the reason

be

why

nearly every icon of the nativity includes Joseph in a lower corner, usually

the

left,

in a posture of despair.

represents the devil

is

Sometimes a hairy

there as well, but often

it is

little

man who

Joseph alone, slouched,

head in hands, graphically depicting the anxiety and despondency that might come to any man

who is taking on a new identity as a father. But

the image also reflects religious doubt, a that there riencing.

is

I

nothing holy or even meaningful about what we are expe-

When

firm grip on

demon, hairy or not, telling us

the thought

came

to

me

at David's

deathbed,

I

kept a

my beloved's hand and sent the thought packing.

relish the

contemplative poet Robert Lax's response to the ques-

KATHLEEN NORRIS tion of whether growing old

him

to fear death.

duds and return

to

"When

us,

with a similar certitude:

and back

It

of

all

was a

to that love

its

gift

—David acedia—we were

and against the odds

brought into

all

we

go."

ups and downs,

from God.

able to

make

I

Were

I

led

up our this life

asked to

would respond

Beautifully, comically,

me

a classic depressive,

store of memories helps

—had

the time comes," he said, "we pick

marriage, with

equally classic

in his eighties

where we came from. We're

because heaven loves

sum up my

—he was then

it

harboring an

work. But while

my

me grieve, it cannot diminish the reality of my

loss.

My husband was a man who believed that kindness always mat-

ters,

who had no enemies

live,

but

I

lost at sea,

I

was there

was an honor

guilt,

to

I

could not

think of

that

as

Pacific;

caused by his chronic procrastination.

David did accomplish, contra

two volumes of verse

poems; wide-ranging French

made and

sturdy bookshelves;

course our marriage grateful person,

—

I

on

many

to

to the

unpublished

produce translations of

and

access codes,

several well-

long-lasting friendships;

and of

am filled with joy. David was an uncommonly

and if he

prayers of others say,

on random

him

his "well-

—two pilgrimages

as well as a host of

interests that led

literature, articles

When

living.

he dealt with addictions, a crippling

defended neuroses" and his melancholic bent

South

worth

to

"What makes you think you're not?"

to respond:

difficulties

all

life

make him want

he sometimes did, that he wanted to be

as

be with him

and the many

When

I

could be his companion in making a

he said in a dejected tone,

It

but himself.

felt

himself unable to pray, he appreciated the

his behalf. "I

with a shrug and a smile.

I

need

all

the help

don't think that he

I

can

get,"

he would

would mind if I used

an epitaph for him that Coleridge wrote for himself, asking of any who

might pass by

his grave:

258

ACEDIA lift

one thought in prayer for

who many a year with

That he

Found death Mercy

He

in

life,

for praise

asked,

—

may here

to

after

of breath

toil

find

and hoped, through

Sunday

the

S.T.C.;

life

Me

Christ.

my husband

died,

me

(Mark

As these words penetrated

10:5 1 ).

to

I

went

that

do

for you?"

The man

church and heard a

to

was now critical

a blind

was now barely recognizable

as mine,

if I

I

needed to reinhabit

did not

division.

cessities that

gone. 1

found

Gospels myself.

seemed so incongruous and painful now

Christ were to be a part of

If

it

he prays for

the Advocate, the

it is

for

I

connota-

the daily ne-

that

David was

could not see how.

what the

me even when I am unable to pray for

your good; and

if I

Holy Spirit. I have many things

cannot bear them now" (John

away.

to the

hurt to hear the passages in which Jesus says such things

have to go away; and

out. For

my healing, I

all

difficult to believe that Christ cares, or despite

attest, that

It

its

up

There was the dread

weight and awful persistence of sunrise and sunset, and

"I

feel

There was that horrid chasm of a word, widow, with

and

see again"

my fog of grief, I had to admit

me. But

tions of emptiness, separation,

man, "What

me

replies, "Let

for

that Jesus' question

task.

thou the same!

See Again

do you want

life

Do

from the Gospel of Mark, in which Jesus asks

story

a

in death!

be forgiven for fame

Let

On

ME

&

16). "If not

go,

I

will

as:

send you

to say to you,

but you

now, when?" I wanted to cry

me these words had become mixed with David's having to go

could not see past the pain, and the numbness of acedia ap-

pealed to me. Loss and death are worthless from a secular perspective,

259

KATHLEEN NORRIS and

my faith

might have meaning was worn

that they

the difficult period,

many

years earlier,

when

thin.

had begun

I

I

recalled

to reclaim

my religious roots. My struggles had been so intense that even the pastors

who were my friends and mentors wondered whether I

up; at the very

it

I

least,

they suggested, give

had not regressed

it

should give

a rest for a while.

to that sorry state, but

I

desperately needed a

metaphor, and found one in a book on prayer by Karl Rahner: "the rubbled-over heart." When one's

life is

dusty with ruin,

it

can seem rea-

sonable to bury oneself in the wreckage rather than expose oneself to

more

suffering.

Rahner reminded

me to "slowly die to

me

that

notice, not even [myself] ."

can employ to defeat

recommends be interested

our

own

as a

would be

[myself] each day, without

out rhetoric," so quietly and unwittingly

I

it

commotion and with-

that, ultimately,

That would be

acedia's victory,

way to "remember that the life

Our Lord

"no one

will

but one tool

the Lord's Prayer, which Gregory of Nyssa

it is

is 'daily' life.

too easy for

all

in

which we ought

to

We can, each of us, only call the present time

tells

us to pray for today, and so he prevents us

from tormenting ourselves about tomorrow." This

is

not an easy prayer

when

I

am

tempted to give up on both

today and tomorrow, dwelling in the shadows den. Yet even

in

its

to

emerge and attempt

The prayer of my fered silently

if this is

like a

wounded animal

a necessary stage of grief, there

to find a place in the

heart, offered

when I was

and beneath any conscious

new and too

level,

is

alien landscape.

worn out

was

also a time

to pray, of-

for the strength to

hazard this transition. But the word transition cannot convey my struggle

with the rigors of grief, a residual exhaustion from years of steadily

increasing adversity, this

by not

and the promptings of acedia

caring.

260

to

respond to

all

of

ACEDIA The grieving person undergoes

ME

&

a kind of death,

and on many days

my grief has readily attached itself to my propensity to acedia, making me

feel as if

as flat

were barely

I

and meaningless, I could

tation itself

is

God had

that

a

Even

living.

recall the

form of spiritual

me

not brought

as acedia

it

And

I

Israelites

"standing" meant appreciating

—

I

also

life's

it

on the

journey.

was

1,

had the reply of For

13).

me this

my past even as I looked for ways, how-

might enjoy the present again.

Such enjoyment would need a good foundation, and build

I

asked at the shores of

Moses: "Do not be afraid, stand firm" (Exodus 14:1

I

If

because there were no graves in Egypt that you

have taken us away to die in the wilderness?"

ever small, that

life

could remind myself

only to abandon me.

this far

see

monastic teaching that temp-

progress.

haunted by the anguished question the

—"Was the Red Sea

me to

tempted

significant transformations

What does

it

mean

I

I

hoped

had undergone on

to have learned

how

to

my

to love, reject-

ing the fleeting pleasures of infatuation for the deeper satisfactions of

commitment? Or ing, so that initial

I

to have apprenticed myself to the discipline of writ-

now crave

burst of creativity and flow of words?

religious conversion, replete with fervor

and now marked by

aridity

and pain?

merest hint of spiritual ardor,

many

others have been.

I

know

to have

and gladness

If I

I

Or

the key to growth.

Ignatius Loyola

or acedia. feels

is

When

is

undergone

its

a

early stages,

have arrived in a place where

The monks and mystics of my

The wisdom of such

of use to

"one

in

as the

find myself starved for the

that persevering in a spiritual discipline, especially tile, is

much

the desert journey of revision as

faith all teach

when

it

seems

fu-

spiritual masters as Saint

me whether I suffer from grief, depression,

completely

listless,

tepid,

and unhappy, and

separated from our Creator and Lord," he writes in his Spiritual

261

KATHLEEN NORRIS Exercises,

"one should never make a change." Ignatius recommends pa-

and

tience,

also urges the

"Desolation

he

is

meant to

states, "that

bring on

.

.

.

I

give us a true recognition

we may perceive

and understanding,"

we cannot by

interiorly that

my

have gained some perspective on

I

now

challenge

Who am

to ask:

is

I

can scarcely

I

name what

it is

that

I

want anymore,

and

if

There

practical matters is

loom

now resist

large,

I

am

can

I

let

call

my

alone an-

me to do for you?" I, who

swer the Christ who asks, "What do you want have always been so goal-oriented,

who

in that precious

"today" that Gregory of Nyssa speaks of as the only time

own?

ourselves

and grace from God."

these are a gift

all

my present state, while

have been,

a fresh perspective.

great devotion, intense love, tears, or any other spiritual

consolation, but that In

despondent person to

thinking in such terms,

content to

my

the house in South Dakota, where

set

them

aside.

mother's toys gather

dust in the basement, and books, icons, and abandoned knitting projects clutter

sue paper in

my study. My grandmother's trousseau lies folded in tis-

its

cedar chest, and

kitchen shelves he built, as

my

husband's cookware

he might walk

in the

and prepare a batch of his renowned tomato

sauce.

that

is

no longer mine,

porary.

I

if

my life in Honolulu

feels

sits

on the

door any minute

While

this

is

a

life

haphazard and tem-

am not sure where my home is, and that which has long been

essential to

my

—

identity

—seems dormant

prayer, poetry, love itself

within me.

My adolescent bugaboo, a disdain for boring and seemingly fruitless practice,

remains a hindrance when

of prayer, which,

become

habitual.

like

I

am confronted with the task

anything worth doing, requires effort

— Anyone can pray 262

"If

you

if it is

are a theologian,

to

you

ACEDIA will

pray

truly,"

theologian"

other to

Evagrius wrote, "and

—but

one thing

it is

make it as much

ME

8c

if

to pray

you pray

when you

is

how

"comes

to

feel like

will

it,

be a

and an-

we can

live

out a prayer";

the "ceaseless prayer" extolled in the Christian tradition

be achieved

in [one's]

a painful discovery,

Given

life."

my temperament,

my grief, prayer seemed out

surprised to find that in

was

you

a part of you as breathing. Paul Philibert tells

us that "we don't always have to say a prayer, this

truly,

and

displacement and distress

I

I

was not

of reach.

Still, it

am grateful for any reminder that in my

am on the right track. "The touchstone of

I

God at work," writes the Carmelite Ruth Burrows, "is the ability to rec-

God

ognize that

trying to get us to accept a state where

is

assurance within that

where there its

is

all is

no way; a

well

state

.

where no

.

.

we have no

clear path lies before us,

of spiritual inadequacy experienced in

raw, humiliating bitterness."

Only when we admit

that

we have "no

way" do we have any hope of finding one. Out of what seems desolate a

newly vigorous

changes in

moods

faith

can

arise, a certainty that is

or feelings, or the vicissitudes of

This corresponds to what "dry spells" through: habits. People often if

it

I

is

helps considerably

art.

Even

as

I

mother,

my

that

not obligation

it is

if

one has developed writerly

remark that they would

necessary to arrange her

make her

disabled

fret

sister,

der the precious time

I

I

life.

have learned as a writer about seeing

only they had the time. But this

ever

not subject to

is

write, or paint, or sculpt,

pure fantasy: the

artist

does what-

so that she will have the time to

life

over juggling responsibilities to

my

fear,

friends,

but

do have

and

my

my distressing

art,

I

my aging

have to admit

eagerness to squan-

running from the emotional de-

in

mands that writing will make of me. I may gripe about the inescapable

263

KATHLEEN NORRIS chore of revision, of laboring over what

But

right.

my

in

current

state, revision is less

luctance to allow the flow of words to grief I

am

dare not be as open as

I

less able to see

have written until

I

come

the world as

cance, potent with meaning. Yet

I

know

I

it

would

free

me

in the first place. In

my

but

gifts,

it is

know that even

if I

am too exhausted

the prepared

and

fertile heart,

have

lost the love

of

Waugh lect joy."

my

grief

I

love;

and

which

called the "malice of Sloth,"

of duty (though that can be a

any

casual phrase,

of what Evelyn

not merely in the neg-

symptom of it) but

easier to

in the refusal of

to enjoy the rest of

do

me

were irretrievably

full blast

"lies

Knowing that my husband wanted me it

has not ended for

it

life itself,

have encountered the

without him does not make

not the one dulled by ace-

my life. How chilly that

as if the possibility of enjoying love,

gone. In

to live as a poet

them.

As with prayer and poetry, so with I

and

and metaphors

my search for them. Such insights may come as

dia, that is best able to receive

because

increases as

to be: ablaze with signifi-

are there, to be discovered,

means not to abandon

it

re-

to see them, the images, correspondences, connections,

that

get

problem than a

my sadness

once was, and

I

my

I

so.

my life

Thomas Merton

de-

scribes acedia as the temptation to reject experience itself as "weary-

ing and narrowing," and being a caregiver only reinforces one's capacity for limiting

life

doctor's office, freed

to the pitifully small spaces of

and hospital room.

bedroom, bathroom,

How cruel that it is death

that has

me from these confines, and acedia that now makes it difficult for

me to

emerge from

mated when sense that thing,"

I

first

"my

this

diminishment. In ways

read his words,

I

"I

could not have

inti-

share with Soren Kierkegaard the

soul has lost possibility. If

he writes in Either/Or,

I

I

were to wish for some-

would wish not 264

for wealth or

power

ACEDIA

ME

&

but for the passion of possibility, for the eye, eternally young, eternally ardent, that sees possibility everywhere."

Medical evidence suggests that the death of a spouse

most severe traumas

a person can undergo.

need to know both love and possibility

to be there for

my

is

family, friends,

not to be too hard on myself when if

the culture has forgotten

it,

and even

as constant

accountability:

One

I

I

ever,

I fail.

Above

the spiritual

all, I

safeguard

try the best

need to

wisdom

I

eternal

can

I

and church community, and recall,

try

even

that correctly op-

It is

a matter of common sense

keep a close watch on myself during

this critical time, discern-

poses acedia not to laziness but to love. that

among the

Now, more than

presences within me, and in the world around me. against the callousness of acedia

is

ing whether

I

am having what a psychiatrist might classify as the "nor-

mal sadness response" of becoming

grief,

or harboring a virulent acedia, or

clinically depressed.

The Hard Questions Over the years

I

have learned what generally helps

more treacherous for

someone

passages, but

else. I

I

have

little

idea of

me

navigate

life's

what might work

have seen people blossom and mature with the

help of therapy, and others

people who had been

all

become

infantilized

by it.

I

have witnessed

but crushed by despair be restored to

the right combination of medication and counseling.

young friend who reached all the way back into the

life

with

And there is my

fifth

century to find

healing in John Cassian's description of the "spirit of sadness," often a

precursor to acedia, that can arise suddenly, and with no apparent cause,

making us

irritable

and intolerant even of those who

265

are dear-

KATHLEEN NORRIS est to us.

She had not rejected contemporary psychological treatment,

but found in Cassian a religious element that had been missing, which she desperately needed.

The

early desert

monks

distinguished between natural illness and

the "illness of the demons," which was not considered

demonic posses-

sion but, as the scholar Andrew Crislip notes, was "understood as a so-

matic and psychic manifestation" of bad thoughts and temptations.

Acedia in particular was

known

to foster physical

headaches that would quickly dissipate

if

symptoms such

challenged.

as

The monk

Pachomius, suffering from weakness and lack of appetite, determined that "the illness

was not physical," rallied, and was soon able to resume

his place at table

and

at prayers.

A similar distinction is made in some

African-American churches today, when people are "prayed through" their problems. In

some circumstances, however, while

fered, the petitioners are also strongly

prayers are of-

encouraged to consult a coun-

selor or physician. Illness is a sensitive subject,

sion remain largely

unknown

and to ask whether the causes of depres-

—

let

alone to assert, as does the philoso-

pher Gordon Marino, that "whether or not depression in

biochemical terms remains an open

a harsh is

scientific

and judgmental response. Some people

tough enough, she can (and should)

will her

is

best understood

question"

—

believe that

is

to invite

if

a person

way out of despair; while

others advocate antidepressant drugs at any sign of sadness or distress.

Marino criticizes the intractability of "pharmaceutical fundamentalists" and of religious fundamentalists who "try to pray their way out of psychological squeezes that could be treated effectively

In

The Noonday Demon, Andrew Solomon

266

by medication."

cites a

psychoanalyst

ACEDIA who

ME

&

laments that "psychiatry has gone from being brainless to being

"who once

mindless," in that therapists

neglected the physiological

brain in favor of emotionality now neglect the emotional

Solomon

in favor of brain chemistry."

and one senses

sential,

ence. "Psychoanalysis

regards both perspectives as es-

that, like Evagrius,

is

good

at

.

.

.

sis

being used to ameliorate depression,

on

a sandbar

firing a

he

speaking from experi-

is

explaining things," he writes, "but

not an efficient way to change them.

and

human mind

machine gun

When I

I

it is

hear of psychoanaly-

think of someone standing

at the

incoming

tide."

Writers such as Solomon, William Styron, Art Buchwald, and the

poet Jane Kenyon have given valuable witness to the ravages of depression.

When

dured,

I

I

read the harrowing descriptions of what they have en-

recognize that

I

have never suffered anything so severe.

described to a physician what I

I

felt

I

hours of rest.

I

have sometimes

think of as "controlled" mania. Once, when

ishing a book, a peculiar sleep pattern established

every other night.

On

once

was a manic episode; she replied that

wasn't even close, and she was right. As a writer

manifested what

I

the "sleep" nights,

I

itself: I

I

was

fin-

slept well

got in a good seven or eight

On the others, I would wake periodically, as often as every

fifteen minutes,

having thought of revisions to the

text.

They

often

proved to be significant improvements, and I was grateful for the inspiration.

But I was relieved that once the project was completed, my sleep-

ing stabilized. If I

I

seem

come by

parents

When

I

I

it

had

to have it

I

an inner

honestly,

received an

am

not,

would have needed medical stability that

help.

my extremes in check.

keeps

by maternal inheritance. And from both of my

uncommonly strong and

feeling listless or

saving sense of humor.

"down" and the

267

biblical

words

I

have

KATHLEEN NORRIS placed on

my

door

refrigerator

—"Be

(Psalms 46:10);

"When you search

—

I

29:13)

dead to me,

are

next to them, an

still

and know

that

me you will find me" (Jeremiah

for

can usually manage to laugh

at the

standard green directional signs read: "Depressed for

favorite,

postcard

depiction of an interstate highway in which the

artist's

Good

"Depressed for a

am God

I

Reason," and farther on,

probably because

the lane

it is

I

No

Reason,"

Depressed."

"Still

most frequent,

is

My

a small

orange sign in the foreground that sports a right-turn arrow: "Just Depressed, Don't

Want

to Analyze

It."

When I am in a spiritual desert, whether or not it is depression or

me there, the last thing I

acedia that has led

of either/or thinking. scientifically

lieve that

I

would be

need

foolish to reject out of hand

Unexamined

denial; depressed or too useless to

me, and

orthodoxies of any

things that

we

sort.

dumb

to

just

know

at

hand.

ered archaic can lost

It

must endeavor

I

may be more

humbles

still

also be-

Kierkegaard's Fear

help,

damned; addicted or

to stretch

most

helps to have

whom

level.

to

employ

more than one

A woman who

had

a diagnosis of "postnatal de-

was inexplicably drawn

and Trembling, because, she

scribed "what seemed to be

in

my mind beyond

willing than

it

to be true are

Such deterministic think-

reach us at the deepest

little

"know"

me to recognize that even words consid-

her premature infant, and to

pression" was of

it.

I

the language of religious discourse, but

language

new and

human brain. But I

based understandings of the

essentially self-limiting. You're either saved or

is

the false assurance

both science and religion have a legitimate place in the con-

versation.

ing

is

says,

it

to the title of

so clearly de-

my emotional plight." The book taught her

that "anxiety has spiritual significance leading us to faith

268

and

heal-

— ACEDIA ing"; in

trouble

.

God

.

[and

talk

drop

to]

may

it

into the

my

hands of God."

not be your fancy, but

woman. My inclination prayer

ME

she found the freedom to stop "[running] away from

it

.

&

at the first sign

it is

what worked

of trouble

eral times a day:

"O God, make haste to my rescue,

aid!" (Psalms 70:1).

And

I

to turn to the brief

is

recommended by the early monks, still said

for this

in monasteries sev/

Lord,

regularly consult the stories

come to my

and sayings of

the desert mothers and fathers. Experiential in tone, they help

me

re-

and toward putting

sist

the culture's bent toward polarized ideologies,

too

much faith in my own convictions. A prophetic saying of Anthony

the Great cautions that "a time

when

they see someone

who

is

is

'You are mad, you are not like

coming when men

will

go mad, and

not mad, they will attack him, saying,

us.' "

This sums up for

me the

psychol-

ogizing hysteria of the current era.

But

I

also recognize that

we have come

a long

way in

sixteen

hun-

dred years, and that the increasing reliance on pharmaceuticals to leviate the effects of despair forces least

of which

is:

Do

we need

to

article in Prevention

questions, not the

antidepressant medications work?

antidepressants are the most

America,

on us some hard

commonly

Now

that

prescribed medications in

know, but the evidence

&

al-

at

hand

is

spotty.

A

2002

Treatment reported on a study in which ap-

proximately eighty percent of the response to six antidepressants that

became popular during the 1990s was duplicated

in control

groups

who got a sugar pill. A more recent National Institutes of Health study, the largest, non-industry-sponsored test of antidepressants to date, re-

vealed that the drugs failed to cure the in nearly half the people taking

symptoms of major depression

them. Although the drugs tested

269

KATHLEEN NORRIS Celexa, Wellbutrin, Zoloft,

had roughly the same

—work

and Effexor

effectiveness or lack of

in different ways, they

it.

Some scientists were discouraged by the results of the latter study. Nevertheless, the director of the study

seek professional help. "The glass

he

said,

but

it is

also "half

better treatments."

empty

is

recommended

half full

A Newsweek cover

from our

we need

in that

story

that people

still

perspective,"

come up with

to

summarized the

latest re-

search into the genetic causes of depression, suggesting that "molecular tests"

one day

therapies than are

will enable doctors to

provide more individualized

now available. Biologists are looking at a "mutation

in the serotonin transporter gene," for example,

which makes people

more

stress;

susceptible to depression brought

arrestin-1," a protein that exists at

low

on by

levels in

and

at "beta-

depressed people.

While such technologically advanced medications may be in the future,

we have immediate evidence

that a substantial

available

number

of people in our society could be helped greatly by adequate treatment for

mental

illness

to which, as

now.

It

should give us pause to recognize the extent

Andrew Solomon

writes, "depression cuts across class

boundaries, but depression treatments do not." In a disturbing chapter

of his book

who

set

areas

titled "Poverty,"

he

relates the story

out to bring treatment for mental

of several physicians

illness to

and inner-city neighborhoods. The

results

underserved rural

were "surprisingly

consistent," as everyone involved "believed that his or her life

proved

at least a bit

begun

to exercise

mountable pilot

it;

They had been introduced even

when they were up

to agency

had im-

and had

against nearly insur-

obstacles, they progressed." Unfortunately,

he reports, the

programs that had brought about these beneficial changes ended

once the funding ran out. The question here

2 70

is

not whether or not

ACEDIA treatment works, but ple as not

On

why our society is willing to

many peo-

regard so

worth bothering about.

the

flip side

of the issue of access to medical care

dency of the affluent to purchase ford.

ME

&

all

the ten-

is

the drugs and therapy they can af-

One friend compares her periodic visits to

a psychiatrist to adjust

her medication to the daily flossing she gives her teeth. For her ventive medicine, an unpleasant but necessary chore.

gard going to the gym.

it is

pre-

Kind of how I

re-

How far we have come since Soren Kierkegaard

spoke confidently of despair as evidence of our "superiority over the animal."

We

seem

to have lost a sense of the reverse, that

hope rather than despair

that sets us apart.

Today we

it

could be

are likely to take

our depressed pets to veterinary psychologists.

And what

of our depressed infants?

A

Wall Street Journal

"Sending the Baby to a Shrink," describes parents seeking to depression, anxiety,

and eating disorders

in their

It

Can Happen," adds yet another term

sive therapeutic lexicon:

order.

The

reporter

PMDD,

comments

to

treat the

nine-month-old

dren. Another newspaper piece, "Major Depression at Age

Say

article,

5:

chil-

Researchers

our prodigiously expan-

or preschool major depressive dis-

that after studying three-, four-,

five-year-olds diagnosed with depression, researchers "have far

and

more

questions about depression in preschoolers than they do answers."

Thank God

for small mercies.

spected, loved,

Even

as

I

want these children

to

be

re-

and listened to, I don't want us to presume that there are

easy answers here.

Kathryn Schulz, author of the

New

York Times Magazine article

"Did Antidepressants Depress Japan?" quotes a Japanese

—these

"Melancholia, sensitivity, fragility Japanese context

It

are not negative things in a

never occurred to us that

271

psychiatrist:

we should

try to re-

KATHLEEN NORRIS move them." Consider mate expression of

this a litmus test: Is this

legiti-

cultural diversity? Depression, of course, fuels a

multibillion-dollar industry, as

anathema, or a

and pharmaceutical companies see Japan

an emerging market. "Between 1998 and 2003," Schulz writes, "sales

of antidepressants in Japan quintupled." (A similar increase has been

noted in the United

States, in antipsychotic

drugs prescribed for

chil-

dren and adolescents between 1993 and 2002.) Schulz interviewed one

man who

obtained a prescription in the hope that adjusting his brain

chemistry would help him have a more stable

him to

seek a

trist.

this as a cure to

But he

Side effects drove

more traditional Japanese remedy, a fasting retreat in the

mountains, followed by a soak in a hot spring.

mend

life.

is

anyone

off medication,

he

else,

and his

says,

He would

and he

still

sees a psychia-

cycles of depression have ended.

As Schulz had any number of medical professionals posal,

I

not recom-

was touched that she concluded by

citing a

her dis-

at

mere

novelist,

Thomas Hardy, who said that what we often gain by science is sadness. Despite the great medical advances the depths of the to be

human

spirit,

human? And what does

Would we

strike a

can hurt, or

grief,

blow

we

for sanity

which pains us

still

asking,

What does

by erasing sadness? Or

terribly

itself?

it

mean

love,

which

when we lose those we love?

Christian theology regards as one of

Holy Spirit? Could we modify what seems

the longing for belief pulses

are

science offer to the current discussion?

What about ecstasy, or joy, which the fruits of the

we have made since Hardy probed

Would

a universal,

the excising of our religious im-

make us more free or more humane? This popular fallacy strikes

me as the ultimate in

naive and wishful thinking.

272

ACEDIA

ME

&

Fighting Back

Where my own mental

favor of balance.

larities in

said to a

health I

"think sadness

is

a

of our sadness are not

real

courage? Merton

sin."

be sought

to

and what

is

truly

sion or acedia, as

beyond our

"molecular reveal

we

test," if

.

.

John Cassian's teach-

in other people,

.

is

is

but in ourselves"

who was

responsible

necessary for contending with either depres-

what might help

it is all

to

I

appreciate the writer Jeffery

too easy to succumb to the dangerous

we

are,

even as

when one

he notes that

this has

is

it is

loses oneself to

to look "like nothing other than

of now." As to whether depression illness,

it

mocks

improve our condition. Echoing Evagrius,

understood, Smith writes that

comes

us, a personal

probe the particulars of our situation,

speaking about acedia, and not depression as

joy, the future

for,

control.

notion that only our despair truly knows us as

may have

"It takes

nuanced view as we

we have caused and are

will, to

Smith's observation that

"a

we ourselves are the cause

to maintain a

try to determine

you

it is

to

tumbler of relationship, whether

where remedy may be found.

any desire we

po-

Thomas Merton

told them, in truth

insists, "to recognize that

Such discernment

years,

false

within a place of business, a monastery, or a marriage.

attempt to discern what trouble

an

shun

Merton's admonition that "the causes

of our own unhappiness? The trick

and

in relating

essential for surviving in the rock is

will try to

can readily accept what

mood, an emotion," he

one

I

contemporary monks. While we are tempted

passion which easily leads to

an

concerned,

group of monastic novices,

ings to their lives as

is

is

currently

any present

an endless loop

due to one's temperament or

is

been debated for well over a thousand

and warns that because "hard and

273

fast clinical

boundaries are

KATHLEEN NORRIS new to mental thinking.

illness,"

we would do

We might even rejoice at the equanimity of Abba Paul, who

embraced the "endless loop of now"

knew

well to allow for flexibility in our

that

one day he would have

as a precious gift,

even though he

burn the baskets he had worked

to

so diligently to make. I

an

O

respect the down-to-earth

wisdom of Andrew Solomon, who

in

magazine interview dispels some myths about depression, for

example the idea that to tough out a bad

spell will strengthen

your

character. Citing scientific evidence that repeated bouts of untreated

despondency actually change brain physiology, he

He

tance of getting help early. ple can

also discusses the

stresses the

many ways

combat depression, including keeping up

impor-

that peo-

basic daily habits:

eating a healthful diet, exercising, practicing a religious faith.

you're depressed," he says,

and "begin

pose, religion can give

some very

.

.

.

to feel that

suade myself to go because

need to

listen to the

work on me.

I

know

I

may desire

after services. If

I

to sing

faith

I

acknowledge by

community,

thing worth

its

I

have in mind

that pass.

when

Sometimes

go to

I

I

per-

receive a blessing, or because

hymns with

on

others, or be cheered

I

to

by

their favorite "climbing tree" before

me that I am not in the struggle alone. But

my presence

that

I

am

can expect that people will

accountable to this

listen

and

offer

some-

weight in gold, accepting, in Solomon's words, "that

[my] statements, no matter truth for the

I'll

objectives."

go to church feeling depressed, a congregation,

by its very nature, reminds even as

let

has no pur-

words of Scripture and give them a chance

the sight of children perched

and

I'll

I

life

and

specific goals

"Goals and objectives" are not what

church on Sunday morning, but

your

"When

how

distorted they

moment." 274

may

seem, are [my]

ACEDIA Above

all,

Solomon encourages us

joying the good times in

and

life

ME

&

to enlarge

our capacity for en-

to expect that rewards will

come after

pain. "Don't give in to your depression," he says. "Don't accept

norm. Dig up from somewhere within you the

sound

is

advice. Starting with

what works and claim

it. I

and while

have found them

less helpful

monastic

spirituality.

well to muster

my

When

less likely to

will to fight back."

This

consult a physician than a

have used medications on occasion,

I

than

my lifeline

even

if

I

do

if it is

not.

only to

"From

I

of prayers, psalms, and I

do

John Cassian

re-

detect acedia beginning in myself,

I

resistance,

mind me where I am headed

as the

what you know of yourself, you can find

am

spiritual director,

it

let

acedia,"

he writes, " [are

born] idleness, somnolence, rudeness, restlessness, wandering about, instability of

mind and body,

allow myself to reach this stage a pilgrim,

bring

and

am

likely to

me to my senses.

ceptibility to acedia, for

that

I

am

helpless.

I

I

I

will

be a distracted tourist rather than

have learned that nothing will erase

it is

I

turn away from the very things that might

a part of who

I

my sus-

am. But this does not mean

can look for the seed of hope in

pray with the psalmist: "Bring shall praise

chattering, [and] inquisitiveness." If

my despair,

my soul out of this prison,

/

and

and then

I

your name" (Psalms 142:8).

Time with Tears I

continue to be inspired by the ways in which the ancient monastic

story intersects with in

ways

was in

I

my own, orienting and directing me

and informs

could not have anticipated.

If

discovering Evagrius

when

I

my thirties helped me understand an experience that I had at the

age of fifteen, as

I

enter

my sixties

I

find

275

him

illuminating an aspect of

KATHLEEN NORRIS my attraction to monastic prayer that I had never fully understood. sponded

I

re-

to the psalms as poetry, but this did not explain the depth of

my desire to keep returning to them in prayer, or the sense of peace and purpose

I

The psalms

find in praying them.

are available to

worship in any Christian church, but they are

likely to

me when I

be snippets cho-

sen for their suitability as Sunday-morning praise. They tend to dis-

appear in the service, a

little

dose of poetry to be rushed through and

soon forgotten. One can attend church for years and never perceive the psalms as both a primary inheritance from Judaism and the core of Christian prayer. To the Benedictine Luke Dysinger, the psalms are "a vision of the

whole of creation" and "the training-ground of the

Christian contemplative." What

I

discovered in monasteries was a fresh

and meaningful way of reading and hearing them, all one hundred fifty, joyful, vengeful, lamenting, grateful, angry,

tion

is

expressed, as

humanity

By reciting the psalms

is

and awestruck. Every emo-

laid bare before

slowly,

God and everyone.

and surrounding them with

the monastic liturgy allows their words to penetrate

hard heart. Often when a

psalm

I

see myself

but

will strike

when

I

and

feel

will

my thick skull and

am sitting in a monastery choir, the words of

with a physical impact: tears come to

my eyes, and

my life in a new light. The moment passes, as it must,

both regret over

need not define me,

hope

I

silence,

have the

I

my failings and the certitude that they

am inspired anew to believe that not despair but

last

word.

When

I

return

home

I

will face the

same

old battles with restlessness, impatience, and anger, and acedia will

urge

me

to discount

my monastery retreat as

a shipboard

romance.

I

may be less able to feel the psalms' power when I pray them on my own, accompanied by the sounds of traffic on the

street outside instead

the reverent stillness of a monastery choir. Yet over the years

2 76

of

my most

ACEDIA

ME

&

potent encounters with the psalms have had their to believe that tears

Wicked Witch. And

my

can indeed melt away

this,

I

discover,

is

exactly

effect,

enabling

wickedness,

what the

me

my own

monk Evagrius

believed the psalms are intended to do.

Not long article

helps

ago, in a dry-as-dust journal of monastic studies, in an

on compunction and

me

understand both

struggles with acedia. for Evagrius,

both

tools for living a

soul,

his path.

my attraction

tears

and the

grounded

found something that

monastic prayer and

to

it

psalter itself are the

spiritual

meant

is

life.

it is

bad thought of acedia.

I

The

psalter

life's

traditional sense, but that

is

then

for so at

it is

against the

to have a monastic vocation in

not the point.

If

acedia

is

my

any

primary

means of battling

no wonder that I have kept returning to monastery choirs

many years. From the first time I stumbled onto morning prayer

an abbey, when

I

barely

what the monks were of

essential

not merely a

weapon

temptation, and praying the psalter a tried-and-true it,

is

that

journey and illuminating

a particularly effective

seem not

monk's

my

be a song that resonates in the

to

accompanying him on

Even more,

I

The Benedictine Jeremy Driscoll maintains

collection of prayers;

monk's

tears in Evagrius,

knew what an abbey was, and did not know

reciting,

I

was handed one of the

greatest gifts

my life. Evagrius writes that

takes us,

"if,

weary from our

toil,

a certain acedia over-

we should climb up a little onto the rock of knowledge and

verse with the psalter" (emphasis mine).

He

which contemplates an unjust world and

"evil

prosper, trusting only in their wealth. itself he will

is

con-

discussing Psalm 49,

days" in which the rich

The psalmist hopes that in poetry

find the enduring truths behind society's facade: "I will turn

my mind to a parable,

/

with the harp

277

I

will solve

my problem." He re-

KATHLEEN NORRIS fleets that

he need not fear the powerful of this world, for "they cannot

buy endless

life, /

nor avoid coming to the grave" (Psalms 49:1,

10). In

conversing with this psalm he comes to realize that power and status are illusions that fade in the glare of mortality.

Luke Dysinger, who

a physician as well as a Benedictine

is

finds in Evagrius the suggestion of "a reciprocal relationship

and

spiritual progress

He

biblical exegesis."

monk,

between

agrees with Evagrius that

the psalms can have therapeutic value for the

monk who

prays them,

and suggests that we regard such prayer as something much more than an

ascetic discipline.

writes, "the

As psalmody and prayer interweave, Dysinger

monk perceives in the mirror of the psalter his need for reGod

form," and in the words of

(and in Christ as the Word) can find

the strength to undertake the process. Every day,

one

is

if

necessary. Or,

many monks admit

stubbornly unregenerate, as

if

to being, sev-

eral times a day.

In a section of The Praktikos that deals with fighting the eight bad

thoughts, Evagrius makes an intriguing suggestion:

with the two.

demon

One

part

is

of acedia"

it is

"When we meet

"time with tears to divide our soul in

to encourage; the other

is

to

He

be encouraged."

rec-

ommends Psalm 42 as a way to "sow seeds of a firm hope in ourselves." The psalm opens with a poignant image that must have resonated with a desert- dweller such as Evagrius: "Like the deer that yearns

ning streams, thirsting for

mind

his

/

my soul

so

God,

former

/

God

the

life

is

yearning of

my

/

for you,

life." If

in Constantinople,

/

for run-

my God. / My soul is

another verse brought to

and the success he had en-

joyed as an up-and-coming churchman and theological prodigy,

would be

difficult for

things will

I

him to

remember

/

as

I

recite

without nostalgia or

pour out

278

regret:

it

"These

my soul: / how I would lead the

ACEDIA rejoicing

crowd

/

ME

&

God,

into the house of

/

amid

of gladness

cries

and thanksgiving."

The opulent churches of the Egyptian

cell,

that pierce

exile

and Evagrius no doubt

me

the day long:

great city were a far cry

to the heart,

'Where

/

is

felt

revile

your God?'" But

me,

if his

not to sever him from the love of God, this

is

/

saying to

tending with paradoxical forces within the

ten

as

"my

is

a question he

me?" Early

emerge.

One

psalm

in the

asks,

"Why

a verse in

is

are

you

cast

again,

/

my savior and my God." These

in

my

means con-

distinct voices

soul,

God;

two verses

must

have you forgot-

which two

"Hope

within me?" and the other responds,

"Why

down,

all

can conceive of

self that

rock" and in the next instant ask,

me

harsh experience of

constantly ask himself. Conversing with this psalm, then,

God

his

keenly the lament "With cries

my enemies

/

from

I

why groan

/

will praise yet

are repeated at the

end of the psalm.

Who has not heard these voices within, at one moment expressing hope and joy, and

in the next reflecting

challenges me, even as

allows

it

ber and give thanks for

all

doubt and sorrow? This psalm

me a safe harbor where I might remem-

the

good

gifts that, as

I

now

them,

recall

bring both joy and pain. The two cannot be neatly separated in or in

life itself.

There

is

the bad news of a cancer diagnosis that

with a small bit of hope attached:

capacity will allow for surgery. There friend that

becomes

soon

For a seed to propagate

after.

a true

may be

it

is

grief,

comes

operable, and your lung

the chance meeting with an old

and immeasurable blessing because she

of the prophet Isaiah, only those "a garland instead of ashes,

/

the

it

who

oil

must rupture, and truly

mourn

in the

dies

words

are able to receive

of gladness instead of mourning,

the mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit" (Isaiah 61:3).

279

/

KATHLEEN NORRIS Looking

at the difficult

passage

life sets

before us, which will take

us over rocky ground and through steep valleys before

proach the heights, we cry,

and valuing tears

we can

ap-

may feel our spirits sag. It's enough to make one

as a

weapon

against acedia

was a well-established

tradition in the monastic desert. Evagrius's choice of this psalm also

suggests that tears

seem

work

best with praise

a contradiction, but as the

Forman

contemporary Benedictine Mary

points out, the monastic tradition holds that there

thing as "godly sorrow," which comes is

and affirmation. This may

at fault

and

forgiveness

is

As one ancient

possible.

such a

when a person recognizes that she

need of forgiveness, and

in

is

at the

same time

monk put

it,

realizes that

"Penthos [the sor-

row of repentance] without thanksgiving would be despair

.

.

.

while

thanksgiving without repentance would be a presumptuous illusion."

As

I

age,

I

find that the strategies

Antirrheticus are of more use to despair, is

a line

employed by Evagrius

me than ever. My best weapon against

what he terms "the thoughts of acedia that demolish

from Psalm

27: "I

am

in his

sure

I

shall see the Lord's

the land of the living" (27:13). Or, as

I

my hope,"

goodness

/

in

struggle "against the thought of

acedia that sets before [my] eyes a lengthy period of old age, a bitter

penury that goes unrelieved, and Evagrius

recommends

this cold

illnesses capable

plunge into Job: "Inquire

gone generations, and consider what

we

are but of yesterday,

are but a If

shadow" (Job

acedia

is

or regret.

I

for

I

/

for

our days on earth

we might look for a truer reflection

calls "apatheia."

This has nothing to do

a blessed state of equilibrium, free

doubt that

of by-

8:8-9).

of the soul in what Evagrius is

now

their ancestors have found;

and we know nothing,

a distorting mirror,

with apathy, but

of killing the body,"

will ever

know 280

from distraction

apatheia as Evagrius describes

ACEDIA it,

but no matter: just the thought of it

gests that

it

ME

&

is

enough, especially as he sug-

might serve to inspire anyone who seeks sound physical,

mental, and spiritual health. "The proof of apatheia," he writes, comes

when "the

spirit

begins to see

own

its

when

light,

of tranquility in the presence of the images

when

maintains

it

its

so stupefied us that

calm

as

it

we cannot

beholds the

remains in a

it

has during sleep, and

it

affairs

of life."

If

acedia has

care about anything, even that

we

unable to care, apatheia restores us to alertness, and our better Evagrius warned, however, that as

and pride

will

tempt us

to

will

we approach

we succumb

are

selves.

apatheia our vanity

imagine that we have reached

perior spiritual accomplishment. If

state

a state

of su-

to this seduction

we

soon become more susceptible to assault by the bad thoughts. The

contemplative

life,

for Evagrius,

is

one of remaining constantly aware

of what will either hinder or help us in our quest, and taking nothing for granted. In these circumstances a healthy dose of skepticism

ourselves

and our motives need not be seen

sign of weakness, but

may be

as a

about

stumbling block or a

valued as a prerequisite for spiritual

progress.

A proof of apatheia's power may be discerned in the life of Evagrius himself.

I

would be wary of anyone who claimed

to have attained such

a state, but the scholar Christoph Joest reports that Evagrius's fellow

monks

attested to his gentle

and humble

life

and peaceable nature. As he

in the desert,

he

won

a

new kind of renown, demon-

strating in himself "the perceptible exterior fruits" of

seeded, rooted,

and

fulfilled in love. Clearly this

allow the bitter circumstances of his to take inspiration

from

life

his example,

I

to

was

a

make him

an inner peace

man who did not bitter,

must keep love

a love that can endure even the hard exile of

281

lived a quiet

and

if I

am

at the center,

widowhood.

If

I

find

KATHLEEN NORRIS myself lonely desolate

God.

much

I

—

—the word suggests

will

I

will also

need to seek

a place not only unfrequented but

in solitude a deeper relationship

need to nurture

easier said than done, for

my relationships with know that

I

struggle to grasp each day as a blessing,

me

as

is

I

and to regard the lowly twenty-

Lowering My Standards Can Help

my thanks.

.

.

In an article in Cistercian Studies Quarterly, the French

Syrian East, Joseph Hazzaya,

others. This

acedia will tempt

four-hour round as not nearly time enough to offer

Deseille quotes at length a passage

with

.

monk Placide

from an eighth-century monk of the

whose

ability to

pray had suddenly aban-

doned him:

Once when

I

was

my

sitting silently in

demon of acedia rose up

that accursed

me and refused to let me cel-

against

ebrate the office both night

cell,

and

day.

I

lay

on the ground

for a

week under the massive weight pressing down upon me,

in

such a way that the remembrance of God could no longer well

up within

my heart.

tressing situation, self: "It

would be

I

.

.

.

Being stuck

this

began to despair of my

better for

me

time in

life,

to leave for the

than to wear the monastic habit; save being lazy

all

and thinking vain

I

am

this dis-

saying to

my-

world rather

doing nothing

at

all,

things."

When Hazzaya was preparing to leave the monastery as a failed monk, he suddenly received what Deseille advised

him

to stay in his

cell,

and

calls

"an interior inspiration that

for each

282

hour of the

liturgical of-

ACEDIA

ME

Psalm 117, the shortest of all the psalms, consisting

to recite only

fice,

&

of only two verses. This remedy," Deseille writes, "soon brought his to

trial

an end."

On reading this I laughed out loud, and and nuns would do the same. What with so

you peoples! ever."

"O

little:

praise the Lord,

Strong

/

is

you nations,

all

But in contending with acedia, one

me

because as soon as he

it,

us; is

/

/

many monks

acclaim God,

the Lord

is

all

faithful for

wise to grasp any tool that

of what the

Stafford used to say about writer's block.

perienced

suspect that

a lazy fellow, to content himself

God's love for

works. Hazzaya's story reminds

I

late

poet William

He claimed never to have excoming on, he lowered

felt it

his standards.

Writing

come, but great

is

all

too often

whisper

anger,

and

is

easily

nibble will always

as

not worthy of the

will write. In a similar

The message of salvation

is

way

that begins

missed in the noise of passions such as envy, pride,

acedia. Citing a Jesuit psychologist, Deseille

when we must

a

comments that

common passage in the life of the human spirit,

"grasp in the darkness the divine help that cannot be

or clearly seen.

.

How can

I

find

words from after

A

say.

we dismiss the little nudge

spiritual progress.

Hazzaya's struggle

felt"

would

works we vaingloriously imagine we

we block our as a

like fishing, Stafford

I

a

.

.

But

It Is

Not Enough

my way in this impenetrable darkness? How can a few

psalm that I say upon waking be

have been worn

down

in lowering one's standards,

all I

to almost nothing

with acedia,

283

is

that

need to begin again,

by acedia? The danger

one might accommo-

KATHLEEN NORRIS date oneself to less and

So

I

will

one

lowered right out of existence.

is

attempt a bit more, and turn to Psalm 90, which poignantly

my

addresses

and

less, until

present condition.

father are gone,

and

Now

my

that

my mother is ninety years of age, I need more

than ever the solace of its opening verses:

from one generation

"O

Lord, you have been our

Before the mountains were

refuge

/

born

or the earth or the world brought forth,

/

beloved grandparents

to the next.

/

you

/

are

God, without

beginning or end." I

need the psalm's

also

"Our span

is

seventy years,

most of these

shift /

are emptiness

from exultation

or eighty for those

and

pain.

/

if it

my acedia, and ask myself why I am

were not a

mortal

life. I

of our

life /

gift,

who are strong. / And

They pass quickly and we

gone." Savoring this stark truth in a holy book, front

to ultimate realism:

I

am better able to con-

so willing to waste time, as

mindlessly consuming and discarding

we may

wisdom of

gain

heart."

I

weary, but these words provide sustenance. If the depression, pilgrim,

if

is

a cycle of exile

only

I

and

return,

I

am

my precious

know the shortness

can pray, with the psalmist: "Make us that

are

may life

feel lost

of

a prodigal

and

faith, like

become

a

can remember to turn toward home.

The Christian

spiritual tradition

metaphors for acedia: the

Israelites'

employs a number of

biblical

wandering through the desert and

despairing of God's continued guidance; the disciples' falling asleep in the garden of Gethsemane, thus abandoning Jesus his death.

Each of these

become more ren,

stories holds

meaning

significant, that of the childless

for

It is

as a childless

me, but another has

woman, seemingly bar-

whose unexpected motherhood becomes an

vation's story.

on the night before

essential part of sal-

widow that I embrace these women of

284

ACEDIA Scripture Baptist;

—

Sarah,

Hannah, Leah;

ME

&

and Mary, the mother of Jesus

—with

and apparent dead ends. We encounter each is

certain that she

is

mother of John the

Elizabeth, the

their harsh circumstances

woman at a time when she

incapable of being a mother. Yet each becomes a

bearer of the promise, carrying within herself the mystery of transfor-

mation in the

as

Thomas Merton

described

"Prayer and love are learned

it:

hour when prayer has become impossible and your heart has

turned to stone."

A way where there is no way; this is what God, and only God, can provide. This

is

salvation,

which

in

Hebrew means widening or mak-

we move from death

ing sufficient. As as real as gravity,

and

are

to

life

we

discover grace, a force

reminded of its presence

the seasons, and in the dying of seeds from which that even use, are.

our deserts

and we

may bloom.

It

are fortunate indeed that

changing of

new life emerges, so

permeates the very language we

our words are

far

wiser than

we

Any poet knows that they can spark with new meaning, even years

after

we have

written them, and

Poetry might not seem

which acedia tempts us

like

tell

much

to give

in

us what

up on the

—psalms and hymns—can be

dency to take refuge

Many years

fight for

a

ago, after

myself and this

promise to ing that

I

her.

I

to

know.

remedy

something better. But for the

human

ten-

in indifference. I

had

settled

with

Dakota home, I evoked the biblical Sarah At the time

we most need

an unjust and violent world, in

poetry

ing.

in the

my husband in my South

in a

poem about housekeep-

was delighted to have made a connection between

woman who had

Now I

find that

laughed

at the absurdity

my old words

could not have intended

of God's

have taken on a mean-

when I wrote them. We have reason

285

KATHLEEN NORRIS to celebrate,

and

course and hope,

to sing, if even if

one person can find a measure of re-

even one voice

is

lifted

on

a cold spring morning:

My barren black cat rubs against my legs. I

think of the barren

exhorted by the

women

Good Book

to break into song:

we should

sing, dear cat,

for the children

The

who

in

our old

age.

do. She rolls in dust

I

as

finish sweeping.

I

come

cat doesn't laugh,

but I

will

empty the washer

and gather what

I

need for the return:

the basket of wet clothes

and bag of clothespins, a worn, spring jacket in need of

Then

I

head

upstairs, singing

mending.

an old hymn.

286

xv. Acedia:

A

Psalms

From

Commonplace Book

61:3

the end of the earth

my heart is

I call;

faint.

Psalms 91:5-6 You

will

not fear the terror of the night

nor the arrow that

flies

by

day,

nor the plague that prowls in the darkness nor the scourge that

lays

waste at noon.

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

"On

Tranquillity of

All are in the

same

(c.

4 b.c.-a.d. 65),

Mind"

case,

both those

and ennui and continual

who

shifting of aim,

what they have given up, and those who Subjoin those settle

are

down,

who

are afflicted with fickleness

who

are always fondest of

are languid

and yawn.

turn from side to side like insomniacs trying to

until they find rest in weariness

Subjoin those

who

immutable by excess not of constancy but of indolence; they live

KATHLEEN NORRIS not as they choose but as they have begun. The malady has countless

symptoms but are unstable

its

and

possesses them,

effect

is

uniform

dissatisfaction with

vacillating, [and] regret for

and

can find no outlet

fear of beginning again,

self.

.

.

.

They

what they have begun

and

[their vacillation]

And so, when the entertainment which busy

people find even in business

home,

—

withdrawn, their mind cannot endure

and cannot abide

loneliness, walls,

Anthony the Great

is

(b. c.

itself left to itself.

251)

When the holy Abba Anthony lived in the desert he was beset by accidie,

and attacked by many sinful thoughts. He

said to

God, "Lord,

me alone; what shall

I

want

to

I

do

my affliction? How can I be saved?" A short while afterwards,

in

when he his

be saved but these thoughts do not leave

got

up

to go out,

Anthony saw

a

man like himself sitting at

work, getting up from his work to pray, then

plaiting a rope, then getting

up again

to pray.

It

sitting

down and

was an angel of the

Lord sent to correct and reassure him. He heard the angel saying to him, "Do filled

this

and you will be saved " At these words, Anthony was

with joy and courage.

He

did

this,

and he was

saved.

Evagrius Ponticus (345-399), Eight Thoughts

A waterless cloud is chased away by a wind, a mind without perseverance by the spirit of acedia.

Shenoute of Atribe Let us

.

.

.

not

fall ill

(b. c.

with the

secretly out of sloth lest

348),

Canon

illness

of the

3

demons and

God be wroth with

a base heart.

288

us and

lie

down

commit us

to

ACEDIA

ME

&

John Cassian (360-435), The Institutes [Acedia

is]

a wearied or anxious heart.

peculiar lot of solitaries

and a

he

is,

disgusted with his

mind

of the brothers

and

careless

immobile

Once

unspiritual. Likewise

It

it

work

and frequent

a person horrified at

to be

does not allow him to stay

him

slothful

being

and

done within the still

where

and contemptuous

at a slight distance, as

renders

the

[acedia] has seized

also disdainful

with him or

is

walls of

in his cell or to devote

effort to reading.

Amma There

The

live

makes

it

and

in the face of all the

his dwelling:

any

who

cell,

akin to sadness and

particularly dangerous

foe of those dwelling in the desert

possession of a wretched

It is

Syncletica is

a grief that

first

(late is

fourth-early

useful,

sort consists in

fifth centuries)

and there

is

a grief that

weeping over one's own

is

faults

destructive.

and weeping

over the weakness of one's neighbors, in order not to destroy one's purpose, is

and attach oneself to the perfect good. But there

also a grief that

some

call accidie.

comes from the enemy,

full

of mockery, which

This spirit must be cast out, mainly by prayer

and psalmody.

Oxford Concise Dictionary of the Christian Church Accidie (Greek for "negligence," "indifference"). cent, the

word had become

a technical

signifying a state of restlessness pray.

It is

and

early 5th

term in Christian asceticism,

inability either to

accounted one of the "seven deadly

289

By the

sins."

work or

to

KATHLEEN NORRIS Benedict Idleness

is

(c.

480-547), The Rule, 48:1

enemy of the

the

Gregory the Great

(c.

For the slothful one

as

is

soul.

540-604), The Book of Pastoral Rule it

were awake in that he

feels aright,

he grows torpid by doing nothing: but slothfulness into a deep sleep, because feeling

is lost,

when

is

though

said to cast

by degrees even the wakefulness of right

zeal for well-doing

discontinued.

is

John Climacus (579-649), The Ladder of Divine Ascent Tedium up

his

is

a kind of total death for the

monk. A brave

soul can

stir

dying mind, but tedium and laziness scatter every one of

his treasures.

Hugh The

of

St.

Victor (1096-1141), De sacramentis

rational soul in

the vices enter into

through pride

through wrath

it

its

it,

is

they spoil

a strong .

.

.

it

cracks,

spirit attacked

it

(d. 1172),

violent bitterness

it

Sermon

it

life.

When

vessel

in this way: it

dries out,

breaks.

38:6

by boredom knows with what boredom

bitterness

round of regular

and corrupt

through acidia

endures being bored with the good

With what

and sound

becomes blown up, through envy

Gilbert of Hoyland

The

health

christianae fidei

it

How it disdains the disdain!

wrestles against bitterness, against that

which intrudes uninvited into the unchanging discipline

boredom and by loathing

The

for this

spirit is

worn out both by

boredom. Both

290

feelings are

its

.

ACEDIA

ME

&

repugnant: to have no taste for what you have chosen, and to experience what you loathe. Each

and put lethargy

The

is

a

(c.

most grievous

sin of acedia

to protect discipline

trial:

to rout.

Thomas of Chabham Acedia

a

is

is

[2

and

sin,

called

which works death"

1160-c. 1236), Poenitentiale yet

it is

hardly

known

to anyone.

by the Apostle "the sorrow of the world

Corinthians 7:10].

On

account of this

many

have killed themselves when they are so absorbed that they have no joy in God.

David of Augsburg The the

(d. 1272),

Formula novitiorum, 51

vice of accidia has three kinds.

mind which cannot be

wholesome.

It

feeds

upon

The

grief.

and

its

victim to suicide

The second kind

all

is

a certain bitterness of

pleased by anything cheerful or disgust

and loathes human intercourse

when he

is

.

.

.

[and] flees

which loves

from whatever

is

sleep

hard,

droops in the presence of work, and takes delight in idleness. This laziness proper.

The

third kind

is

devotion. ... say

The person who

He

is

a weariness in such things only as

belong to God, while in other occupations in high spirits.

.

oppressed by unreasonable

a certain indolent torpor

comforts of the body

.

and suspicions, and sometimes

[and] inclines to despair, diffidence, drives

first is

suffers

its

from

victim

it

is

active

and

prays without

hastens to rush through the prayers he

is

obliged to

and thinks of other things so that he may not be too much bored

by prayer.

291

KATHLEEN NORRIS Thomas Aquinas

(1225-1274),

Summa

theologica

We might say that all the sins which are due to ignorance can be reduced to

sloth,

which pertains

refuses to acquire spiritual

Dante (1265-1321),

to the negligence

by which

goods because of the attendant

a

man

labor.

Inferno, canto 7

Once we were grim

And

sullen in the sweet air above, that took

A further gladness from the play of sun; we bore

Inside us,

acedia's dismal

smoke.

We have this black mire now to be sullen

in.

Petrarch (1304-1374), TheSecretum I

act like a

relief

man

a very hard

bed who often seeks

by changing positions although he never finds a good one.

Tired of the place its

on

stretched out

newness makes

I

live in,

me find

I

go to another that

it

is

no

better,

better [for a while]. But then

although I

leave in

order to search elsewhere.

Geoffrey Chaucer (1340-1400), "The For envy blinds the heart of a acedia makes

him

man and

heavy, thoughtful,

Parson's Tale"

anger troubles a man; and

and peevish. Envy and anger

cause bitterness of heart; which bitterness

is

the

mother of acedia,

and takes from a man the love of all goodness. Then anguish of a troubled heart; and as Saint Augustine sadness of goodness and the joy of evil."

292

is

acedia the

says, "It is the

ACEDIA William Caxton

(c.

ME

&

1422-c. 1491), Order of Chyvalry

A man that hath accydye or slouthe hath sorowe and angre the whyle that he

knoweth

that an other

man

doth wel.

Blessed Paul Giustiniani (1476-1528), Rule of the Eremetic the days or the nights begin to

If either

will

soon

.

.

.

impulse and

.

[the hermit]

.

through gadding about and the others lose

profitlessly

many opportunities must

[But] even in the cell itself [the hermit]

remain

work. For those

else

make himself and

doing good

staying in the

Or

sleep.

chatting, he will

willingly

.

waste his time, which must be considered most precious,

on superfluous

for

seem overlong

Life

one place and

in

who

and immovably

at

one

are less eager for stability can sometimes, while

be driven about

cell,

all

day long as

if

by a

.

.

.

demonic

of wandering. They go around the different

spirit

workplaces of the

steadfastly

cell

various tasks. This

is

and

in the

truly the

same hour begin and

leave off

most wretched form of the

vice.

Ignatius of Loyola (1491-1556), Spiritual Exercises I

call

to

desolation

what

is

low

.

.

.

.

.

darkness of soul, turmoil of

.

restlessness rising

temptations which lead to want of

The its

soul

is

wholly

spirit,

inclination

from many disturbances and

faith,

slothful, tepid, sad,

want of hope, want of love.

and separated,

as

it

were, from

Creator and Lord.

John of the Cross (1542-1591), Dark Night of the Soul and dryness do not come from slackness

It is

evident that

and

tepidity; [because] tepidity

.

.

.

disgust

is

characterized by not caring

293

much

.

KATHLEEN NORRIS God

or having an inner solicitude for the things of a great difference

between dryness and

tepidity implies great negligence

tepidity.

and slackness

.

.

.

There

is

state

of

The

in will

and mind,

without willingness to serve God; but purgative dryness

accompanied by that

.

.

.

willingness, with concern

is

and sorrow

.

.

one does not serve God.

John Donne (1572-1631), "A Nocturnal upon For In

I

am

St.

Lucy's

Day"

every dead thing,

whom love wrought new alchemy. For his art did express

A quintessence even From

He

from nothingness,

and lean emptiness;

dull privations,

ruined me, and

Of absence,

I

am

re-begot

darkness, death; things which are not.

Bishop Joseph Hall (1574-1656), Sermon,

Though

the

of a good

mind be

act; yet for

spiritual acedy,

it

sufficiently

v.

convinced of the necessity or profit

the tediousness annexed to

slips

140, 1623

it,

in a

dangerous

away.

Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), Pensees, 622

Boredom.

Man

complete

rest,

finds nothing so intolerable as to be in a state of

without passions, without occupation, without

diversion, without effort.

Then he

faces his nullity, loneliness,

inadequacy, dependence, helplessness, emptiness. well

up from the depths of his

And

at

once there

soul boredom, gloom, depression,

chagrin, resentment, despair.

294

.

ACEDIA

ME

&

Anne Finch, Countess of Winchilsea What

are thou, Spleen,

Thou

(1661-1720), "The Spleen"

which everything dost ape?

Proteus to abused mankind,

Who never yet thy real cause could find Or

fix

thee to remain in one continued shape.

Still

varying thy perplexing form

Now a Dead Sea thou'lt represent,

A calm of stupid discontent, Then, dashing rocks, with rage into a storm

Through thy black jaundice As dark,

I all

.

.

objects see

as terrible as thee,

My lines decried, and my employment thought An

useless folly or

presumptuous

Whilst in the Muses' paths

I

fault;

stray,

Whilst in their groves and by their secret springs

My hand delights to trace unusual things, And

deviates

Nor will

from the known and in fading silks

common way;

compose

Faintly the inimitable rose, Fill

The

up an ill-drawn

bird, or paint

Sovereign's blurred

on

glass

and undistinguished

The threatening angel and the speaking

ass.

Marie du Deffand (1697-1780), letter All conditions

and

all

face,

to Voltaire, 1759

circumstances seem equally unfortunate to

me, from the angel to the

oyster.

The grievous thing

295

is

to

be born.

KATHLEEN NORRIS Maria Edgeworth Whilst yet a boy,

malady which

I

(1767-1849), Ennui

began to

feel

baffles the skill

was the matter with me, but were

marked.

sufficiently

restlessness

the thing eyes, for

I

I

I

of medicine

was

I

felt

that

know what: yet

did not

with

afflicted

... a

symptoms

constant I

was

or

in,

which was passing before

to that

was never doing any thing;

something

the

of mind and body; an aversion to the place

was doing, or rather

I

symptoms of that mental

the dreadful

had an

I

utter abhorrence

my

and

an incapacity of voluntary exertion. Unless roused by external stimulus,

vulgarly for

I

sank into that kind of apathy, and vacancy of ideas,

known by the name of a brown

more than

hour of bad weather or other

half an

would pace backwards and forwards, with a

fretful,

study. If confined in a

unmeaning

room

contrarieties,

like the restless cavia in his

pertinacity.

I

felt

I

den,

an insatiable longing for

something new, and a childish love of locomotion.

£tienne Pivert de Senancour (1770-1846), Obermann I

shall

and

no longer look

go. All things are

found nothing,

unending

for better days.

renewed

The months

in vain;

I

am ever the same

possess nothing; weariness

I

silence

I

am

forever

pass, the years

consumes

I

come

have

my years in

encompassed by an empty void,

which, as the seasons pass in long procession by, spreads in ever-

widening

came

not.

circles

around

The days

me

Springtime came for nature; for

that brought the vital spark of life

awakened every

being; yet their unquenchable fire did not revive me, but filled lassitude.

I

was an

me the beautiful

alien in the

world of gladness

me with

Season of joy! For

days are profitless, the soft nights are

296

me it

full

of gall

— ACEDIA Miserable

man

that

&

ME

am! The heavens are on

I

forth fruit, but the waste of winter

keeps

still

fire,

its

the earth brings

watch within me.

William Wordsworth (1770-1850), "Preface," The human mind

is

Lyrical Ballads

capable of excitement without the application

of gross and violent stimulants; and he must have a very faint perception of It

its

[appears] to

capability

is

beauty and dignity

me that

a

does not

know this

endeavour to produce or enlarge

one of the best

can be engaged; but at the

to

who

services in which, at

any period, a Writer

this service, excellent at all times,

present day. For a multitude of causes ... are

combined

force to blunt the discriminating

and unfitting

it

for

all

this

is

especially so

now acting with

powers of the mind,

voluntary exertion to reduce

it

to a state of

almost savage torpor.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834), "Dejection: An Ode"

A grief without a pang, void, dark, and drear,

A stifled, drowsy, unimpassioned grief, Which

finds

no natural

outlet,

no

relief

In word, or sigh, or tear

O Lady!

in this

wan and

heartless

To other thoughts by yonder All this long eve, so

Have

I

throstle

balmy and

been gazing on the western

And And

mood,

its

still I

And those

wooed,

serene, sky,

peculiar tint of yellow green:

gaze

—and with how blank an

thin clouds above, in flakes

297

eye!

and

bars,

KATHLEEN NORRIS That give away

Those

their

motion

stars, that glide

to the stars;

behind them or between,

Now sparkling, now bedimmed, but always seen: Yon In

Moon,

crescent

own

its

as fixed as if

grew

it

cloudless, starless lake of blue;

I

see

them

I

see,

not

all

so excellently

fair,

how beautiful

feel,

they are!

Stendhal (1783-1842), Love

Boredom

Ivan

him

like

away everything, even the courage

Goncharov

He was in

strips

to kill oneself.

(1812-1891), Oblomov

good and

painfully aware that something as in a grave, that

it

fine lay buried

was perhaps already dead or

gold in the heart of a mountain, and that

it

lay

hidden

was high time that

gold was put into circulation. But the treasure was deeply buried

under a heap of rubbish and stolen

and buried

as a gift

in his

own

by the world and

silt. It

was

life.

to have laid a heavy

his journey. it

seemed,

.

.

.

though he himself had

soul the treasures bestowed

on him

Something prevented him from

launching out into the ocean of life.

seemed

as

.

.

.

Some

hand upon him

secret

at the

enemy

very start of

His mind and will had long been paralyzed and,

irretrievably.

S0REN Kierkegaard (1813-1855), Either/Or Since

boredom advances and boredom

is

the root of

wonder, then, that the world goes backwards, that

all evil,

no

evil spreads.

This

can be traced back to the very beginning of the world. The gods were

298

—— ACEDIA bored; therefore they created

&

ME

human beings. Adam was bored

because he was alone; therefore Eve was created. [Thus] boredom entered the world and grew in quantity in exact proportion to the

growth of population.

Adam was bored alone;

were bored together; then

Adam and

then

Adam and

Eve

Eve and Cain and Abel were

bored enfamille; [then] the population of the world increased, and the nations were bored en masse.

Charles Baudelaire (1821-1867), Oh, how weary of this need to

I

am, how weary

live

I've

letter to his

mother, 1860

been for many years already,

twenty- four hours every day!

Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880), November Aren't

you

tired, as

I

am, of waking up every morning and seeing the

sun again? Tired of living the same

life,

of suffering the same pain?

Tired of desiring and tired of being disgusted? Tired of waiting and tired of possessing?

Emily Dickinson (1830-1886), Poem 1194

Somehow myself survived And That

entered with the it

the Night

Day

be saved the Saved

suffice

Without the Formula.

Henceforth

I

take

my living place

As one commuted led

A Candidate for Morning Chance But dated with the Dead.

299

.

KATHLEEN NORRIS Stephane Mallarme (1842-1898), "Renewal" Lucid winter, season of art serene, Is

sadly driven out

by

sickly spring,

And where pure blood Impotence stretches

White

twilights

presides within

itself in a

drawn-out yawn.

glow lukewarm beneath

Squeezed by an iron band

like

—Then,

fields

whose sap

is

I

warm

I

sadly

flaunted to the

roam full

enfeebled by the trees' perfume,

fall,

And hollowing my face with Biting

my skull

an ancient tomb,

As, following a vague, sweet dream,

Through

my being

a grave for

earth in which the

wait, engulfed in rising

ennui

lilacs

.

my own dream,

push,

.

—Meanwhile the Azure laughs on every bush And wakened birds bloom

twittering in the sun.

Bishop Francis Paget (1851-1911), The

Spirit of Discipline

[To] look too attentively for signs of fatigue,

command an

which come

ever increasing deference encroaching

upon

the realm of will, [discourages] a

safely

make, filching from him

all

to

more and more

man from ventures he might

his fortitude, the prophylactic

antidote to accidie.

300

and

.

ACEDIA

&

.

ME

Agnes Repplier (1855-1950), "Ennui"

When we come to think of it, conversation between [Adam and Eve]

must have been

difficult

.

.

.

because they had nobody to talk

about. If we exiled our neighbors permanently from our discussions,

we should soon be reduced even to laudatory remarks, Here, indeed,

is

to silence;

if

we confined

and essence of ennui; not the virtuous

at the disclosure

of another's

deep and deadly ennui of life which welcomes

The same

selfish lassitude

which made the

faults,

but that

evil as a distraction.

gladiatorial

them

pleasant sight for the jaded eyes that witnessed its

ourselves

we should probably say but little

the very soul

sentiment which revolts

and

combats a

finds relief for

tediousness today in the swift destruction of confidence and

reputation.

William

We

are

reminded that the medieval

among but

R. Inge (1860-1954), Outspoken Essays

the seven deadly sins.

it is

at the

bottom of the

casuists classified acedia

We had almost diseases

.

forgotten acedia

from which we are

.

.

.

suffering.

Irving Babbitt (1865-1933), Rousseau and Romanticism [Christianity] has perceived clearly spiritual effort

who looked on

.

.

.

the supreme importance of

and the supreme danger of spiritual himself as cut off from

God

medieval Christian the victim of acedia

show

that

what was taken by

spiritual distinction

chief of

all

[the

.

.

It

.

sloth.

was according

to the

would not be hard

to

Romantic] to be the badge of

was held by the medieval Christian

the deadly sins.

The man

The victim of

301

to be the

acedia often looked

upon

KATHLEEN NORRIS himself

foredoomed. But though the idea of fate enters

... as

into medieval melancholy, the

so detach himself from the loneliness

which

is

the

man

at

times

of the Middle Ages could scarcely

community as

to suffer that sense of

main symptom of romantic melancholy.

H. G. Wells (1866-1946), The Anatomy of Frustration If

you cannot

yourself to be Life invincible and immortal, then

lift

you must accept

You must

frustration.

new excitements,

stimulations and

sustaining accidents begin to to

them, then there

accidie,

which

is

is

fail

live in a

live for

succession of

the day, and

when

you or you yourself fail

to

these

respond

nothing before you but sloth and apathy,

a lingering suicide.

Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), The Conquest of Happiness

A generation that cannot endure boredom will be a generation of little

men, of men unduly divorced from the slow processes of

nature, of

men

in

whom every vital

though they were cut flowers

impulse slowly withers, as

in a vase.

G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936), Orthodoxy Perhaps that

God

evening that

God

is

strong enough to exult in monotony.

says every

"Do

makes

separately,

it

all

morning "Do

again" to the daisies alike;

it

possible

again" to the sun; and every

it

moon.

It is

It

may

not be automatic necessity

may be that God makes

but has never gotten tired of making them.

302

every daisy

ACEDIA Evelyn Underhill (1875-1941), If

Practical Mysticism

the doors of perception were cleansed, said Blake, everything

would appear are

hung with

to

man

as

it is

with

Infinite.

But the doors of perception

still

our contemplation perpetually,

us, inviting

but we are too frightened, arrogant to

—

the cobwebs of thought; prejudice, cowardice,

sloth. Eternity is

It

ME

&

lazy,

and suspicious

our thought, and

needs industry and goodwill

if

let

to respond: too

divine sensation have

we would make

its

way.

that transition:

for the process involves a veritable spring-cleaning of the soul,

a turning-out

and rearrangement of our mental

furniture, a

wide

opening of closed windows, that the notes of the wild birds beyond our garden freshness,

may come

to us fully charged with

and drown with

wonder and

music the noise of the gramophone

their

within.

Mikhail Artzybashev (1878-1927), Breaking- Point "Yes, I'm

going to shoot myself in a minute," he said, with perfect

composure

"I

was waiting for a moment when

particularly dreadful, but at the

others

live, if

they can

For

simply uninteresting. That's

one

gets so tired of

foolish.

them

Everything is

.

most ridiculous and

is

it

love

is

so petty

would be just

as uninteresting as

.

.

.

Let

It's

303

trivial,

—simply

and even

as dull as before.

what we know

Why have a God at all?

humanity

are impenetrable,

nothing either small or large

everything.

futile

Nature and beauty are so

all

.

wouldn't seem

my part, I won't, because to me it's

The mysteries of the universe

should one fathom them

there

.

it

And

already. In eternity

it's

the

superfluous."

same with

KATHLEEN NORRIS Franz Kafka (1883-1924),

May 3, water

1915. Completely indifferent

a

and

apathetic.

an unattainable depth and no certainty

at

nothing is

Diaries 1914-1923

.

.

.

What

phantom

is

there to

state for

me;

I

tie

me to

don't

is

A well gone dry, Nothing,

there.

a past or a future?

The present

the table but hover round

sit at

it.

Nothing, nothing. Emptiness, boredom, no, not boredom, merely emptiness, meaninglessness, weakness.

Karl Barth (1886-1968), Church Dogmatics [Man]

is

guilty of falsehood in the pride in which, in contrast to

the humility of the

Son of God, he seeks

God

... as also in the sloth in

of

.

.

.

Jesus,

to

occupy the place of

which, in contrast to the majesty

he seeks to divest himself of the dignity of his divinely

given nature.

Attributed to Paul Tillich (1886-1965), cited in

The Book of Positive Quotations

Boredom

is

rage spread thin.

Georges Bernanos (1888-1948), The Diary of a Country Priest The world is

is

like dust.

instant

eaten

up by boredom

You

can't see

You go about and never notice

and there

drizzle of ashes

it is,

it all

But stand

at once. It still

for

an

coating your face and hands. To shake off this

you must be forever on the

always "on the go."

304

go.

And so

people are

ACEDIA

ME

&

Fernando Pessoa (1888-1935), The Book of Disquiet Nothing

is

the inner

worse than the contrast between the natural splendour of with

life,

daily routine.

life's

its

.

.

.

unexplored lands, and the squalor

And tedium

is

more oppressive when

...

of

there's

not

the excuse of idleness.

The tedium of those who

worst of all. Tedium

not the disease of being bored because there's

is

strive

hard

is

the

nothing to do, but the more serious disease of feeling that there's nothing worth doing.

Henri Michaux (1889-1984), Miserable Miracle I

would

like. I

out of here. over again. I

would

leaving,

I

I

would

would

like a

an

would

like

anything

at all,

but

be rid of all

this.

like to leave all this.

Not

like to

fast. I

I

would

would

to leave

like to start all

through an

multiple leaving, a whole spread of them.

ideal leaving so that

once

I've left

I

like to get

An

exit.

endless

begin leaving again

right away. I

would

like to get up.

No,

I

would

to get up, right away, no, I'd like to lie

call,

no,

No, I'm absolutely not going to

call.

Yes,

a

So ten times, twenty times,

fifty

something, decide the contrary,

come back

second

I

won't

I'll call.

call.

No,

times in a few minutes

come back

to the second decision,

completely, fanatically carried

down, no,

as if

on

Yes,

have

I'll lie

I

down.

decide

resolution again,

a crusade, but the next

totally indifferent, uninterested, perfectly relaxed.

305

I

to the first decision,

make my first

away

I'd like

down this very second, I want to

phone

get up, I'm going to to.

make

like to lie

KATHLEEN NORRIS Irenee Hausherr (1891-1978), Spiritual Direction in the Early Christian East

Akedia

(acedia), etymologically, lack of care, of interest; negligence

Mental or

spiritual torpor, a general uneasiness

particular reason. If

one

mainly inconstancy;

if

gives in to

it, it

one overcomes

of soul, for no

has lamentable

it,

results,

this gives rise to

deep peace.

Karl Menninger (1893-1990), Whatever Became of Sin? Let

it

stand that there

finding out what one literal

must do

—

in short, of not caring. This

meaning of acedia, recognized

and plaguing us

Dorothy [Sloth]

to

a sin of not doing, of not knowing, of not

is

is

.

Sayers (1893-1957), "The Other Six Deadly Sins"

the sin that believes nothing, cares to

.

many centuries

still.

know nothing, loves

nothing

as a sin for so

the

is

.

know nothing,

seeks

nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in

and remains

alive

because there

is

nothing for which

it

will die.

Aldous Huxley (1894-1963), "Accidie" The cenobites of the Thebaid to the assaults of furtively with the

deadly subtlety,

many demons. Most

of these

coming of night. But

who was

psychologists of evil are plain sloth. But sloth

is

there

evil spirits

was one,

not afraid to walk by day.

wont

were subjected

[the desert monastics]

to speak of accidie as

.

.

.

came

a fiend of

Inaccurate

though

it

were

only one of the numerous manifestations

of the subtle and complicated vice of accidie

human will. 306

It

paralyzes

ACEDIA F.

ME

&

Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940), "Sleeping and Waking"

The horror has come now the night after death

like a

—what

storm

—what

thereafter

if all

if this

was an

night prefigured

eternal quivering

edge of an abyss, with everything base and vicious in oneself

at the

urging one forward and the baseness and viciousness of the world just ahead.

No

choice,

no

road,

no hope

Or

of the sordid and the semi-tragic. the threshold of

life

unable to pass

it

—only the endless

repetition

to stand forever, perhaps,

and return

to

on

it.

Jorge Luis Borges (1899-1986), "The Duration of Hell" I

dreamed

that

I

was awakening from another dream

of chaos and cataclysms

dawning,

—

into an unrecognizable

light suffused the

I

I

thought,

grew. will

I

be

Erich I

thought

fearfully,

"Who am

I?"

"Where

and

I

am

I?"

Fromm

I

woke

(1900-1980), The

to imagine Hell,

it

I

realized

I

couldn't recognize myself.

really

am convinced that boredom

and windows, the bare

and

thought: This desolate awakening

my destiny. Then

room. Day was

room, outlining the foot of the wrought-

iron bed, the upright chair, the closed door table.

—an uproar

is

is

didn't

know.

My fear

in Hell, this eternal vigil

up, trembling.

Dogma

of Christ

one of the

greatest tortures. If

I

were

would be the place where you were continually

bored.

Brian Aherne (1902-1986),

A

Dreadful

Man

How is it possible, one may ask, that a man still not old by modern standards,

still

successful in his profession, in fair physical health,

possessed of adequate means, well educated, highly intelligent and

307

KATHLEEN NORRIS brilliantly talented in

many ways, should

he could find no other course

interest in all that life has to offer, that

open

to

him but

unmoved by the

death?

.

.

.

so lack courage, so lack

Could he find nothing

dawn and

glories of the sky, the

to enjoy?

Was he

the sunset, the

recurrent miracle of the changing seasons, the interest and beauty of a garden

and the

literature,

silent

mystery of wild

deaf to the music created

derive

no comfort from

such a

man

Yes,

it is

Evelyn

his family

.

.

life?

blind to art and

through the ages? Did he

.

and

Was he

friends?

Is it

possible that

could tamely succumb to the ignominy of boredom?

possible. In fact,

Waugh

was

inevitable.

(1903-1966), "Acedia"

The malice of Sloth that can be a

it

lies

not merely in the neglect of duty (though

symptom of it) but

in the refusal of joy.

It is

allied

to despair.

Josef Pieper (1904-1997), Leisure: The Basis of Culture

At the zenith of the Middle Ages

...

it

was held that

restlessness, [and] the incapacity to enjoy leisure,

sloth

were

all

and closely

connected; sloth was held to be the source of restlessness, and the ultimate cause of

"work

for work's sake."

It

may well seem

paradoxical to maintain that the restlessness at the bottom of a fanatical

and

suicidal activity should

action; a surprising thought, that

with

effort.

to

.

.

.

But

it is

we

come from shall

a worth-while effort,

the lack of a will to

only be able to decipher

and we should do well

enquire into the philosophy of life attached to the word acedia.

In the

first place,

acedia does not signify

308

.

.

.

idleness [as

it is

ACEDIA

&

ME means

currently understood] Idleness, in the medieval view, .

man

renounces the claim implicit in his

not want to be as

God wants him

that he does not wish to be

contrary of acedia

is

what he

not the

and

really,

He

dignity. ...

that ultimately

fundamentally,

does

means

The

is

of work in the sense of the work

spirit

of every day, of earning one's

own being,

to be,

human

that a

living;

his acquiescence in the

it is

man's

.

world and in

.

.

affirmation of his

—which

God

is

to

say love.

Karl Rahner (1904-1984), The Need and You do not despair

.

.

.

the Blessing of Prayer

when you doubt yourself, your wisdom, your

strength, your ability to help yourself to

life

and the freedom of

happiness; rather you are with [God] suddenly as a miracle that daily

has to happen will

anew and never can become

a routine. Suddenly

[know] that the petrifying visage of hopelessness

rising in

your

soul, that the darkness of the

world

is

is

you

only God's

nothing but

God's radiance, which has no shadow, that the apparent waylessness is

who

only the immensity of God,

he

is

does not need any ways because

already there.

Samuel Beckett (1906-1989), The Unnamable Keep going, going on,

call that

day, off it goes on, that

going, call that on.

one day I simply stayed

Can

in, in

it

where, instead of

going out, in the old way, out to spend day and night as possible,

it

wasn't

far.

Perhaps that

simply resting, the better to act

is

be that one

far

away as

how it began. You think you are

when

the time comes, or for

no

reason,

and you soon find yourself powerless ever to do anything again.

309

KATHLEEN NORRIS Alberto Moravia (1907-1990), Boredom

My life was dominated by a feeling of extraordinary impatience. Nothing that I

was unable

occupy

did pleased

I

to

me in

me or seemed worth

doing; furthermore,

imagine anything that could please me, or that could

any

lasting

manner.

of my studio on any sort of

I

was constantly going

futile pretext

—

pretexts

which

for myself with the sole object of not remaining there: to cigarettes I felt,

I

cup of coffee

didn't need, to have a

I

didn't

and out

in

invented

I

buy

want

moreover, that these occupations were nothing more than

crazy disguises of boredom

not complete the errands

would return

I

to the studio

few minutes before. Back

itself,

so

much

undertook

which

I

so that sometimes

did

I

After taking a few steps

had

in the studio

left in

I

such a hurry only a

boredom, of course, awaited

me and the whole process would begin

over again.

Ian Fleming (1908-1964), From Russia with Love Just as, at least in

so

boredom, and

one

religion, accidie

F.

[Boredom]

is

first

associate with the

Where

faith, in

it

sins,

of Faith

faith, for

It is,

good or bad,

and contains

all

but in reverse, as is

a

tremendous

the energies that

we

of wishing and longing, boredom moves in just

life

the opposite way. ... reveal

of the cardinal

condemned.

one of the great forms of irony.

drive toward relationship

within

utterly

Lynch (1908 -1987), Images

great a force as faith.

when we

the

particularly the incredible circumstance of waking

up bored, was the only vice Bond

William

is

I

think

we

as a force for

give part of [boredom's] secret

not wishing. The bored

an intense way which

310

says:

I

man

do not wish;

I

is

away acting,

do not

ACEDIA want

this,

I

do not want

Mention any event and for

I

unto

that,

I

am not vulnerable

I

infinity.

wipe

shall

ME

&

it

am not impressed

Do

out.

do not wish

I

to

not try to impress

me

be impressed.

Cesare Pavese (1908-1950), The Business of Living: Diary, 1935-1950 Suffering

and

is

.

.

.

intangible

starts, that is

during torture

.

.

.

If

it

comes

in

fits

only so as to leave the sufferer more defenceless

moments when one

those long

and waits

dwells in time

It

The

for the next

sufferer

waiting for the next attack, and the next.

he screams needlessly,

just to

bout of

re-lives the last is

always in a state of

The moment comes when

break the flow of time, to

feel that

Oh! the power of indifference! That

something is happening

what has enabled stones

to endure,

is

unchanged, for millions of years.

Stephen Spender (1909-1995), introduction to Malcolm Lowry's Under the Volcano

The Consul's despair religious

who

is

really acedia, the spiritual

have become, as

it

apathy of the

were, hermetically sealed off from

the source of their religion. His errors are theological: refusal to love

or be loved. Ultimately his sin

is

pride.

Catechism of the Catholic Church, Number 2733 [A] temptation, to spiritual writers

which presumption opens the

understand by

this a

gate,

indeed

is

the harder the

willing,

but the flesh

fall.

311

acedia.

form of depression due

ascetical practice, decreasing vigilance, carelessness spirit

is

is

The

to lax

of heart. The

weak. The greater the height,

KATHLEEN NORRIS Simone Weil (1909-1943), "The Power of Words" both the most beautiful and repulsive thing that

Sameness

is

The most

beautiful

if it reflects eternity.

The

ugliest if

it is

something endless and unchangeable. Conquered time or time.

The symbol of beautiful sameness

cruel sameness

E.

M. Cioran

is

(

is

the

circle.

a sign of infertile

The symbol of

the ticking of a pendulum.

191 1-1995), A Short History of Decay

Among the Dregs. To

console myself for the remorse of sloth,

the path to the lower depths, impatient to degrade myself

Behold then,

identify with the gutter

I tell

image of himself,

to end, in this spitting

hand on, beast no angel had soul risen out of a

spasm

Here

is

take

and

where he

mud God never laid a

a part in, infinity begotten in I

I

myself, man's negative

lineage, pathetic counterfeiter of the absolute

was

exists.

moans,

contemplate that dim despair of

spermatazoa that have reached their end, these funeral countenances of the race.

Czeslaw Milosz

No one it

can

may once

(191 1-2004),

call this failing

"The Garden of Knowledge"

simply laziness any longer; whatever

have been, nowadays

it

has returned to

its

original

meaning: terror in the face of emptiness, apathy, depression. isolated hermits, however,

who

are experiencing

its

sting,

Boredom

flourishes

.

.

.

when you

of a Journal

feel safe. It's a

security.

312

not

but the

masses in their millions.

Eugene Ionesco (1912-1994), Fragments

It's

symptom of

ACEDIA

ME

&

Robertson Davies (1913-1995), "The

What

is it like,

manifests

There

is

this failure in the art

nothing dramatic about it

creeps

up on

what

for us to recognize

us,

ails

sensibilities are withering, if

it,

it is

it

But

if

us

is

it

works with

has us in .

.

.

its

first felt

grip,

it is

hard

your feelings and

superficial, if

you are losing touch

Acedia which has claimed you for

Prejudices:

A

its

own.

Philosophical Dictionary

a history as well as a sociology of boredom.

have been

a dreadful

your relationships with people near to

Robert Nisbet (1913-1996), There

the failure which

It is

and thus

and once

you are becoming more and more even with yourself,

of life?

of interest in really important things

itself in a loss

advantage;

Deadliest of the Sins"

It

must surely

by man where he made the transition some

twenty thousand years ago from a hunting or pastoral existence to village life

and the tyrannies of soil and season.

else to face the sheer

monotony of life Persian,

where

It

was something

drudgery of tilling and harvesting and the

in the village.

originally

it

The word paradise comes from the

meant

"wilderness,"

and there

is

no doubt

a lesson there.

Frank Lake (1914-1982),

Clinical Theology:

A

Theological

and

Psychiatric Basis to Clinical Pastoral Care

This

is

the climate of depression, a world in which, as Epictetus said,

men were

seeking a peace, "not of Caesar's proclamation, but of

God's." Bread

and

circuses were

symptomatic treatments

depression of epidemic proportions, such as

own

day.

313

we have

for a

again in our

KATHLEEN NORRIS Saul Bellow (1915-2005), Humboldt's I

had a

notes. for

lively

time in the vast jurors' hall going over

saw that

I

me.

I

Gift

I

had stayed away from problems of definition. Good

want

didn't

to get

about accidia and tedium

mixed up with theological questions

vitae.

I

found

it

from the beginning mankind experienced

no one had ever approached the matter in

its

own

right

seemed

It

to

this belief

of the modern world

Orrin

Klapp

It is

E.

not

me

—

.

.

states

front that

either

1915), Overload

(b.

.

necessary to say only that

industries, fashions, is

and

of boredom but that

and center

as a subject

one might begin with

you burn or you

rot.

and Boredom

at all clear that these three features

with aspirin

my boredom

—fun

of modern society

—banish boredom. Analogy

celebrity cult

appropriate: high dosage

means not the absence but

the presence of pain.

Thomas Merton Tristitia It

(1915-1968), Cassian and the Fathers

seems to be a sadness caused by adversity and

comes from lack of peace with

the disgust with

life,

others.

is

rather the sadness,

which comes from a much deeper source

inability to get along with ourselves,

Walker Percy

Acedia

trial in social life.

—our

and our disunion with God.

(1916-1990), The Message

in the Bottle

Why does man feel so bad in the very age when, more than in any other age, he has succeeded in satisfying his needs and making over the world for his

own

use?

Why has man entered on an orgy of war, murder, torture, and self-destruction unparalleled in history?

314

ACEDIA

&

ME

Why is the good life which men have achieved

in the twentieth

century so bad that only news of world catastrophes, assassinations, plane crashes, mass murders, can divert one from the sadness of

ordinary mornings?

Morris But

is it

L.

West

—

ended there

light, refusing

accidie,

(1916-1999), The Ambassador

it

the traveler motionless, without tears, lacking

compassion? There

signifies the false

and

is

a

word

terrible

for that in the West:

Nirvana which

is

founded

not on union but [on] separation, not on the extinction of desire,

but on the contempt of

Ruth Burrows

it.

(b. 1920s?),

Guidelines for Mystical Prayer

Pride and sloth form the taproot from which the other sins branch out.

They pervade them

all.

Respectively they pervert two

complementary aspects of reality, that we great

are very small before the

God, but on the other hand, we are made

in his

image and

therefore of infinite value.

Wayne

C.

Booth

(1921-2005), The Vocation of a Teacher

Before the romantic individual was invented, people suffered from things like tedium vitae, melancholia, the spleen, or ennui,

them

internal conditions.

The

transitive verb

would

first

Englishman recorded

was apparently Earl

expect, he

.

.

.

of

The Copernican Revolution occurred

when people began blaming everybody but themselves condition.

all

blamed

it all

as using "bore" as a

Carlisle, in 1768,

on the French.

315

for their

and

as

you

KATHLEEN NORRIS Alexander Schmemann (1921-1983), Great Lent The

basic disease

is sloth. It is

of our entire being

change

is

possible

.

.

that strange laziness

and

passivity

which constantly convinces us that no

.

and therefore

desirable.

It is

in fact a deeply

rooted cynicism which to every spiritual challenge responds "What for?"

and makes our

root of

all

one tremendous

life

sin because

spiritual waste.

poisons the spiritual energy at

it

It is

the

its

very source.

Urban Voll, Acedia as a

O.P.

1922), The Vice of Acedia

(b.

phenomenon

speaking properly of

is

probably as old as humanity

history as an idea,

its

century of the Christian

era. It

Egyptian desert sketched

its

it

itself,

but

begins in the fourth

was then that the monks of the

outlines as

one of a group of

particularly dangerous obstacles to their pursuit of holiness.

Evan

S.

Connell

(b.

1924), "Acedia"

I

couldn't imagine going to a party. Something's

I

said.

I

believe

Pax took a It

was

I

have Acedia.

little

step backward.

a medieval illness,

I

can't

seem

to get over

You have what?

said, I've forgotten exactly

means. Sloth. Weariness. Torpor. I

wrong with me,

It's

what

it

much worse than boredom.

it.

My goodness, Pax said. She tried to sound sympathetic but I

knew

at

she was wondering

if it

might be contagious. Roscoe looked

me suspiciously.

316

ACEDIA Henry

Fairlie (1924-1990), The Seven Deadly Sins Today

We may say this of the those

have

ME

&

who

are already old

beyond

their years,

known any springtime, whether

in their

year, in

Claude

J.

Peifer,

Acedia

a formidable adversary because

its

the face of

it is

who seem

own

lives

never to

or around

whom the sap seems never to have risen.

them each

is

any age

face of Sloth: that at

OSB

(b.

1927), Monastic Spirituality

on purely natural grounds

arguments are unassailable.

Anita Brookner They shared

a vast

(b.

1928), Brief Lives

boredom; they were

terrified

of nothing

happening. Vinnie's haplessness came from a sort of despair, a conviction that

no one would

care for her

.

.

.

while Owen's case was

perhaps more serious. In the absence of distractions he foundered

That was why he put up with a way of life that would have exhausted

many men

of his age,

why he pursued

endless availability. ...

He

known

is

a

of endless mobility,

the fullest diary of anyone

I

have ever

feared permanence.

Martin Marty "Sloth"

He had

this fantasy

(b.

1928), "Glittering Vices"

bad translation of acedia, or

demon," what Aquinas defined

accidie, the

"noonday

as sadness in the face of spiritual

good. Deadly sloth demands spiritual therapy and the grace of God,

not downgrading.

317

.

KATHLEEN NORRIS Maurice Sendak

A

Pierre:

"If only

1928),

(b.

Cautionary Tale

you would

say,

I

in Five

Chapters and a Prologue

CARE."

"I don't care!"

Milan Kundera I'd say that

much

(b.

1929), Identity

the quantity of boredom,

greater today than

at least

it

if

boredom

a passionate

involvement: the peasants in love with their land

gardeners

.

.

.

feet

by

heart; the

The meaning of life wasn't an

.

all alike, all

[which] has

of us

become

bound

.

.

the shoemakers

woodsmen; the issue,

them, quite naturally, in their workshops, in their we're

is

once was. Because the old occupations,

most of them, were unthinkable without

who knew every villager's

measurable,

is

it

was there with

fields.

.

.

.

Today

together by our shared apathy

a passion.

The one

.

.

great collective passion of

our time.

S.

Giora Shoham

(b.

The processes leading abstract.

1929), Society

to accidia are

Nobody becomes

Dorothee Soelle

accidie

and

the Absurd

dynamic

.

.

.

existential

by proxy.

(1929-2003), Suffering

In the depth of suffering, people see themselves as

forsaken by everyone. That which gave

empty and

void:

it

and not

life its

abandoned and

meaning has become

turned out to be an error, an illusion that

shattered, a guilt that cannot be rectified, a void.

The paths

is

that lead

to this experience of nothingness are diverse, but the experience of

annihilation that occurs in unremitting suffering

318

is

the same.

ACEDIA Patricia Spacks

Boredom acedia.

... is

1929),

(b.

ME

&

Boredom

not the same as ennui, more closely related to

Ennui implies

a

judgment of the

universe;

boredom

a

response to the immediate. Ennui belongs to those with a sense

who

of sublime potential, those

environment

If

feel

only because

it

themselves superior to their

seems more dignified, many

people would rather suffer ennui than boredom, despite

its

presumably greater misery.

OCSO

Michael Casey, Fully

The

Human,

vice of

world. in a

(b. 1930s?),

Fully Divine:

An

noninvolvement

The acediac

is

is

Interactive Christology

said to be

a person without

endemic

in the

Western

commitment, who

lives

world characterized by mobility, passive entertainment,

self-indulgence,

and the

Sometimes

external claim idleness,

effective denial of the validity

but that

is

[acedia]

is

identified with sloth or

only the external face of an attitude marked by

chronic withdrawal from reality into the

uncommitted and

of any

free-floating fantasy.

more comfortable zone of

The temptation

to acedia

is

an invitation to abandon involvement and leave the pangs of creativity to others.

Melvin Maddocks

(b. 1930s?), cited in

The American Heritage

Dictionary of the English Language, 3rd edition, 1992

There

is

a

name

—

for the generic shoulder shrug

indifference, as if

lunch.

The word

to the heart

it's

is

the buzzing

always 90 degrees in the shade after a large

acedia.

It is

the weariness of effort that extends

and becomes a weariness of caring.

319

— KATHLEEN NORRIS Donald Barthelme Acedia

is

(1931-1989), "January"

often conceived of as a kind of sullenness in the face of

existence;

tried to locate

I

its

positive features. For example,

precludes certain kinds of madness, crowd mania, certain type of error. You're not an enthusiast

and join a lynch

don't go out

mob

—

rather

it

it

precludes a

and therefore you

you languish on

a

couch

with your head in your hands.

Stanford M. Lyman (1933-2003), Deadly Sins:

Society

and

Evil

Acedia has a number of distinct components of which the most

important

is

mind-state that gives inert,

of any feeling about

affectlessness, a lack rise to

boredom, rancor, apathy, and

Speech

(b.

a passive,

1933),

Symposium of Bishops of Europe, Rome, 1985

at the Sixth

progress — They have become—what they never should

Everywhere we are witnessing the that have lost their halo.

have ceased to be

—

tools in the

among many people

disillusion,

many of our

is

of idols

hands of men

to a feeling of

science,

.

.

.

[but] all this has

disenchantment and

Our era

is

"taedium vitae" and "acedia".

marked by .

.

a great

found among

contemporaries.

Andrei Voznesensky

Boredom

fall

boredom, unhappiness

spiritual "void," the

It is

or other, a

or sluggish mentation.

Godfried Danneels

led

self

(b.

1933),

"An Ironic

a fast of the spirit,

a solitary supper.

320

Treatise

on Boredom"

ACEDIA Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi Just as the excellence of

on how its

time

free

members do

is

(b.

ME

&

1934), Finding Flow

an individual

life

depends to a large extent

used, so the quality of a society hinges

We have seen that at the

in their leisure time

social as well as the individual level habits of leisure act as effects

and

.

.

.

and community

responsibilities lose their

become

leisure will

When work turns

causes

increasingly

psychic energy

less

and economic challenges

Joan Didion

(b.

to

left

to love

is

it is

more important. And it is

likely that

if

a society

likely that there will

cope creatively with the technological

that will inevitably arise.

1934), Slouching Towards Bethlehem

To have that sense of one's respect

both

into a boring routine

meaning,

becomes too dependent on entertainment, be

on what

intrinsic

worth which constitutes

self-

potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate,

and

to

remain

indifferent.

To lack

it is

to

be locked within

oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference It is

In

the

its

phenomenon sometimes

advanced

stages,

we no

called "alienation

Every encounter demands too

tears the nerves, drains the will,

as small as

an unanswered

that answering letters their lies

it

letter

and the specter of something

arouses such disproportionate guilt

becomes out of the question. To assign unanswered

proper weight

the great, the singular

... to give

us back to ourselves

power of self-respect. Without

eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs find oneself,

and

self."

longer answer the telephone, because

someone might want something much,

from

finds

no one

at

home.

321

—

there

it,

one

away

to

.

KATHLEEN NORRIS VAclav Havel

(b.

1936), Letters to Olga: June 1979-September 1982

The tragedy of modern man the

meaning of his own

A

bored (acediosos). fact,

monk with

a

lectio

not that he knows

but that

life,

Terrence Kardong, OSB Benedict's Rule:

is

(b.

it

bothers

and Commentary, 48:18

Boredom

a different

is

means

(b.

is

problem than

it

about

less.

laziness. In

may find

requires repose

and

closely connected to the classic fault/sin

disinterest in spiritual things.

1937), "Nearer,

My Couch, to Thee"

[Melville's] "Bartleby the Scrivener:

had

Wall-Street" (1853), acedia

reverberations and was

less

and

an abundant supply of physical energy

Thomas Pynchon By the time of

less

Translation

concentration. If acediosus it

him

and

1936),

[meditative reading] very hard because

of acedia, then

less

now an

lost the last

of

its

A Story of

religious

offense against the economy.

.

.

Who is more guilty of Sloth, a person who collaborates with the root of

and a

all evil,

accepting things-as-they-are in return for a paycheck

hassle-free

life,

or one

who

does nothing,

finally,

but persist

in sorrow?

Hugh Of all

Feiss,

OSB

(b.

1939), "Acedia"

the categories of sin

and

spiritual difficulty

called the eight principal thoughts capital vices or sins

none

is

more

which the ancients

and the Middle Ages the seven

fluid

322

and

elusive than acedia.

ACEDIA

ME

&

Joseph Brodsky (1940-1996), "In Praise of Boredom"

[Boredom

is] life's

main medium

In general, a

man

shooting

heroin into his veins does so largely for the same reason you buy a video: to

language of time, and

your

life:

to teach

it is

set

into perspective, the net result of

OSB

Gabriel Bunge,

man

is

(b.

of values.

which

is

For boredom

.

is

puts your existence

It

.

in

.

humility.

1940), Earthen Vessels

probably acquainted with

form of that oppressive

the

you the most valuable lesson

the lesson of your utter insignificance

an invasion of time into your

Every

Boredom speaks

dodge the redundancy of time

[spiritual]

"wildness" in the

of soul that the Fathers

state

call acedia,

taedium cordis (John Cassian), weariness of soul, boredom, empty Against

indifference

Jean Bethke Eishtain I

take sloth to

powerful antidote.

this, tears are a

(b.

1941),

Who Are We?

mean not simply inactivity but

acquiescence in the

conventions of one's day; a refusal to take up the burden of

self-

criticism; a falling into the Zeitgeist unthinkingly, and, in so doing,

forgetting that

we

are

made

wittingly, in the tangle of

antitheses but there

is

to [citing Karl Barth] "serve

our minds."

.

.

.

Pride and sloth

trivial

form of sloth."

a type of escapism, an evasion of responsibility.

form of "practical atheism."

relationality

is

may seem

"profound correspondence" between the

Promethean and the "unheroic and

or slothfulness

God

.

.

.

What

is

at stake

It

.

.

.

Sloth

comes down

[whether

in]

to a

pride

a negation of appropriate humility; a denial of

and community; a quest

323

is

for self-sufficiency that, in

KATHLEEN NORRIS the case of sloth, involves too thoroughgoing an absorption in the

One

views and evaluations of others

is

akin to Kafka's bird in

search of a cage.

Solomon Schimmel

(b.

1941), The Seven Deadly Sins

It is

ludicrous and pitiful to see "mature" adults flock to every

Age

fad.

But

this

a

is

symptom of the

spiritual sloth

people are searching for something worth living

way to be wrong

at

place.

The answers

and shamanism, or even

will

in

honest grappling with their

Angelo Scola Universita (To

Host the

Today's society

what we do, we are too

some

in the

own

—but

in

an

inner natures.

il

reale:

Per una "idea" di

an "Idea" of University)

Real: For

what we

are,

what happens

Being to us,

lazy to undertake that "cultural work".

.

.

and that

naturally asks of us.

Dom Bernardo

Olivera,

OCSO

"The Sadness Corroding Our Desire

The

for

characterized by a certain cultural acedia

is

life itself

and

swimming with dolphins

disinclined to be curious about

human

for,

not be found in magic and witchcraft

1941), Ospitare

(b.

of our age. These

They are looking

peace with themselves

New

1943),

(b.

God"

for

great masters of the spiritual craft [observed] that at the root

of bad thoughts are disordered desires as spirits,

demons, thoughts,

them

... in a special

In the last analysis, to put

on the new

.

it is

.

.

.

.

and

referred [to them]

afflictions, passions,

appetites, wills, vices, capital sins. fight

.

combat

attachments,

These masters have taught us to [using] self-denial

and humility.

a question of stripping off the old

with the help of divine grace

324

man

What

is

so as

ACEDIA impossible for us

is

very possible for God, [who]

we

receive his gift as best

So

can.

if

we

to fight the devilish scourge of acedia,

accepting the pain killer a

ME

&

feel

at least

Process

(b.

the finish line. Process

As we

drift

is

toward our

smallpox. Thus

been

telling us for a

an exhausting gap between the

delay, drudgery,

we

much

to

S.

Step,

are asked to celebrate

human

we deny the

Dennis Ford

Sins of Omission:

(b.

starter's pistol

so:

and

dream, process seems eradicable,

digital

endeavors as

like

what could be one of the .

.

.

because process

results. In

to eliminate work, to find effortless fulfillment

E-Z

century or

boring. So out with the tedium, in with joy!

great hidden disasters of our technological era

matters as

38, 5].

"The Big Squeeze"

1947),

a drag, marketers have

is

begin by

Thomas Aquinas:

Saint

shower and a good nap [Summa theologica I—II,

Owen Edwards

waiting for us to

too small and too weak

we can

recommended by

is

our endless quest

and the

of

grail

One

ultimate value of the grind.

1947),

A Primer on Moral Indifference

Psychologically, sloth

is

described as a sin of arrested childhood: sloth

extends into adulthood the passivity, dependency, and egocentricity characteristic of childhood

a slothful expectation that

Kenneth

R. Himes,

.

.

.

[providing] a context for indifference,

someone

OFM

(b.

else will

1950s?),

do

it

for us.

"The Formation of

Conscience: The Sin of Sloth and the Significance of Spirituality"

When

used in the moral sense, the person seized by acedia

is

the affect-less individual, the one incapable of investment or

commitment,

a person

who cannot

get deeply involved in

325

any cause

KATHLEEN NORRIS or relationship

Sloth as moral apathy

from pursuing that which because

it is

Michael

difficult

Raposa

L.

Boredom and

One discovers

is

good.

It is

is

what hinders

a person

a refusal to seek the

good

and demanding.

(b. 1950s?),

the Religious Imagination in the Buddhist concept of sunyata, as well as in the

world-weariness of Ecclesiastes, a powerful vision of the emptiness of all

things,

something akin to a deep boredom, but acting to stimulate

rather than cloud awareness. Likewise, within Christianity, acedia

be is

resisted,

Wendy Wasserstein

desire for the world

There

to change. True sloths are not revolutionaries.

Sloths are neither angry nor hopeful.

dialectic

even anarchists. Anarchy takes too

much work.

is

no

They

possible

are not

Sloths are the lazy

Whether youre

guardians at the gate of the status quo traditional sloth or a

life.

(1950-2006), Sloth

When you achieve true slothdom, you have no

a

New Age iibersloth, we are all looking at

the possibility of real thought,

and

rejecting

it.

Better to

fall

into

than to question the going ethos.

Thomas There

is

L.

Friedman

live in

noticed

(b.

1953), "Singapore

and Katrina"

something troublingly self-indulgent and slothful about

America today

who

to

but the achievement of a certain kind of disinterestedness

regarded as necessary for real progress in the spiritual

line

is

—something

that Katrina highlighted

countries where the laws of gravity

[As Janadas

Devan of the 326

Straits

still

and

that people

apply really

Times in Singapore

ACEDIA wrote,] "It is

ME

&

not only government that doesn't show up

is

starved of resources

doesn't

show up

doesn't

show

and leached of all

either, sacrifice doesn't

up, 'we're

all

(b.

show

up, pulling together

show

is

the

writer

first

and

analysis of accidie,

we know

"

to have provided a systematic

his descriptions of

monks

affliction are extraordinary vignettes surely

creates a black hole that swallows

Reno

Most of us want

to

be

safe.

a

life

to live without danger

a-cedia,

Andrew

is

our cultural

Crislip

drawn from

Noonday

find a cocoon, a spiritually,

and physically gated community

and disturbance. The

care- free

in

life,

ideal.

(b. 1970s?),

Demons"

Illness

The semantics of acedia

are so broad that there

of the

Yet given the diversity of

its

is

no proper modern

descriptions, acedia

be coherently understood as a constellation of behaviors,

which

own

Devil"

"The Sin of Sloth or the

equivalent

his

other thoughts.

We want to

psychologically, economically,

which

all

1959), "Fighting the

(b.

beset with this

complex nature of accidie, which

experience. Evagrius noted the

R. R.

up."

1957),

"Evagrius Ponticus and the 'Eight Generic Logismoi Evagrius

[it]

meaning. Community

its

in this together' doesn't

Columba Stewart, OSB

when

all

may

of

entail deviant or culturally illegitimate adaptations to

anomie

Early monastic writers clearly

contradiction

when

felt

no sense of

attributing widely diverse psychological

—which

somatic symptoms to acedia

327

is

and

a testament to both the

.

KATHLEEN NORRIS depth of insight and the practical

of the monastic traditions

utility

of psychological and spiritual guidance.

Jean-Charles Nault,

Enemy of Spiritual

"Acedia:

Acedia

... is a

perceived as a us

OSB

(b.

1970),

Joy"

profound withdrawal into gift

self.

Action

is

no longer

of oneself, as the response to a prior love that

calls

seen instead as an uninhibited seeking of personal

It is

satisfaction in the fear of "losing" something.

The

desire to save

one's "freedom" at any price reveals, in reality, a deeper enslavement to the "self."

There

is

no longer any room

to the other or for the joy of

community and who, being

Lars Svendsen

an abandonment

what remains

is

.

.

sadness or

one who distances himself from the

bitterness within the

likewise separated

gift;

for

separated from others, finds himself

from God.

(b.

1970),

A Philosophy of Boredom

In a world of emptiness, extremism will stand out as an attractive alternative to

A.

J.

boredom.

Schemadovits-Norris

Hobs

lacked desire. However,

blessed with a special

destroy.

entire

power. .

1989),

"Hobs the Hobo"

Hobs was not no one

ordinary.

.

.

.

in the history of the

[He] was

world has

Hobs could do anything. There was no boundary

ever seen infinite

gift like

(b.

.

.

He

could

fly,

teleport, heal, seduce, corrupt,

However, he referred to his

world in

all

"gift" as his "curse."

to his

and even

The

of its glory and wonder lay in front of Hobs to

discover yet he had

no

desire to explore

328

it.

acedia

&

me

Webster's 1913 dictionary (as edited

from www.webster-dictionary.net/definition/acedia)

acedia: n.

1

.

apathy and inactivity in the practice of virtue

(personified as

one of the deadly

sins)

Related Words: accidia, aloofness, anger, apathy, ataraxia, ataraxy, avarice, avaritia,

benumbedness, blah,

blahs,

boredom,

carelessness,

casualness, cave of despair, cave of Trophonius, comatoseness, deadly sin, despair,

desperateness, desperation, despondency, detachment,

disconsolateness, disinterest, dispassion, disregard, disregardfulness,

drowsiness, dullness, easygoingness, enervation, ennui, envy, fatigue, forlornness, gluttony, greed, gula, heartlessness, heaviness, hebetude,

heedlessness, hopelessness, inanimation, inappetence, inattention, incuriosity, indifference, indiscrimination, inexcitability, insouciance, invidia, ira, jadedness, lack

of affect, lack of appetite, lackadaisicalness,

languidness, languishment, languor, languorousness, lassitude, lenitude, lentor, lethargicalness, lethargy, lifelessness, listlessness, lust, luxuria, mindlessness, negligence,

no

exit,

no way, no way

out,

nonchalance, numbness, oscitancy, passiveness, passivity, phlegm, phlegmaticalness, phlegmaticness, plucklessness, pococurantism, pride, recklessness, regardlessness, resignation, resignedness,

satedness, sleepiness, sloth, slothfulness, slowness, sluggishness,

somnolence, sopor, soporiferousness,

spiritlessness, spunklessness,

stupefaction, stupor, superbia, supineness, torpidity, torpidness,

torpitude, torpor, unanxiousness, unconcern, unmindfulness, unsolicitousness, weariness, withdrawnness, world-weariness, wrath

Roland Barthes It

can't

(1915-1980), The Pleasure of the Text

be helped: [ennui]

is

not simple.

329

Acknowledgments

I

am grateful for the work of the many scholars I have cited in this text,

and

for the

encouragement and assistance of

and the people

at Riverhead,

notably

my agent,

Lynn Nesbit,

my editor, Carolyn Carlson, and

Susan Petersen Kennedy, for their patience and kind attention. I

thank the people

who

read this manuscript in whole, or in part,

and offered helpful comments: John Eudes Bamberger, OCSO; Dr. Lynn

S. Joy;

Terrence Kardong, OSB; Kilian McDonnell, OSB; Paul

Philibert, O.P.;

Cindy

Spiegel;

and Dr. Eleonore Stump.

My favorite librarian, Molly O'Hara Ewing, has provided me with invaluable reference services

Marty I

for giving

extend

and support, and I

also

must thank Martin

me a book at the right time.

my thanks to my family and David's family; and to Josue

Behnen, OSB; Debra Bendis; Renee Branigan, OSB; the Reverend John

Buchanan; the Reverend Cynthia Campbell; the Reverend Gail and Sylvia Cross;

Jeremy Driscoll, OSB; William Dunn; the

Dworkin; Warren Farha of Eighth Day Books; Hugh

late

Feiss,

Andrea

OSB; Mary

Forman, OSB; Ruth Fox, OSB; the Reverend G. Keith Gunderson; Jeremy Hall, OSB; Patrick Hart,

OCSO;

Patrick Henry; Kathleen

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Hughes, RSCJ; Paul Jasmer, OSB; Aaron Jensen, OSB; Roger Kasprick,

OSB, Timothy Kelly, OSB; John Klassen, OSB; Susan Lardy, OSB; James Martin,

S.J.;

Rene McGraw, OSB; Dunstan Moorse, OSB;

OSB; Michael

Patella,

OSB;

Fr.

Julian Nix,

Joe Ponessa, SSD; Dietrich Reinhart,

OSB; Leo Ryska, OSB; William Skudlarek, OSB; Columba Stewart, OSB; James M.

Sullivan; Judith Sutera,

OSB; the

late

Jeanne Tamisiea;

Christine Trzcinski; the late Verlyn Weishaar; Robert West, OSB; and

Ann and Mike Williams.

331

Selected Bibliography

Ancient Sources Evagrius of Pontus. The Greek Ascetic Corpus. Trans. Robert E. Sinkewicz.

Oxford University

.

OCSO.

Press, 2003.

The Praktikos

& Chapters on Prayer. Trans. John Eudes Bamberger,

Cistercian, 1981.

Merton, Thomas. The Wisdom of the Desert.

New Directions,

a helpful introduction to the lives of the early

1961. Includes

monks; the translations

are

by

Merton.

RB

1980: The Rule of St. Benedict in English. Ed.

Liturgical Press, 1980.

With

essays

on monastic

Timothy history,

Fry,

OSB.

commentaries, and

a glossary.

Ward, Benedicta, Cistercian, 1975.

ed.

and

trans.

The Sayings of the Desert Fathers.

selected bibliography Contemporary Sources The Benedictine Handbook. Liturgical

Press, 2003.

de Waal, Esther. Living with Contradiction: Reflections on the Rule of St. Benedict. HarperCollins, 1989.

.

Seeking God: The

Driscoll, Jeremy,

OSB.

Way of St.

Benedict. Liturgical Press, 1984.

A Monk's Alphabet.

Forman, Mary, OSB. Praying with

Shambhala, 2006.

the Desert Mothers. Liturgical Press, 2005.

Funk, Mary Margaret, OSB. Thoughts Matter. Continuum, 1991.

Hart, Patrick,

OCSO,

ed.

A Monastic

Vision for the 21st Century. Cistercian,

2006. Authors include John Eudes Bamberger, Michael Casey, Joan Chittister, Gail Fitzpatrick,

Healy, Sean

and Terrence Kardong.

Desmond. Boredom,

Self,

and

Culture. Associated University

Presses, 1984.

Jamison, Christopher, OSB. Finding Sanctuary: Monastic Steps for Everyday Life.

Liturgical Press, 2006.

Kardong, Terrence, OSB. The Benedictines. Liturgical Press, 1988.

A

.

Benedict's Rule:

.

Day by Day with

Translation

and Commentary.

Liturgical Press,

1996.

St.

Benedict. Liturgical Press, 2005.

Kuhn, Reinhard. The Demon of Noontide: Ennui

in Western Literature.

Princeton University Press, 1976.

Nault, Jean-Charles. "Accidie:

(Summer

Enemy of Spiritual

2004).

333

Joy."

Communio

31

SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY Norris, Kathleen. The Cloister Walk. Riverhead, 1996.

Olivera,

Dom Bernardo, OCSO. "The Sadness Corroding Our Desire for

God." osco.org.

Schimmel, Solomon. The Seven Deadly

Sins.

Oxford University

Press, 1997.

Solomon, Andrew. The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. Scribner,2001.

Spacks, Patricia. Boredom. University of Chicago Press, 1995.

Stewart,

Columba, OSB. Prayer and Community: The Benedictine

Tradition.

Orbis, 1998.

Svendsen, Lars.

A Philosophy of Boredom. Trans. John Irons. Reaktion, 2005.

Tvedten, Benet, OSB.

How to Be a Monastic and Not Leave Your Day Job.

Paraclete, 2006.

.

The View from a Monastery.

Paraclete, 2006.

Wasserstein, Wendy. The Seven Deadly Sins: Sloth. Oxford University Press, 2005.

Wenzel, Siegfried. The Sin of Sloth: Acedia in Medieval Thought and Literature. University

of North Carolina Press, 1967.

334

Credits and Permissions

The author

gratefully

acknowledges permission to quote from the

following:

Charles Baudelaire, "Spleen 76," from The Flowers of Evil

& Paris Spleen.

Translated by William H. Crosby. Translation copyright

©

1991 by

William H. Crosby. Reprinted with permission of BOA Editions, Ltd. www.boaeditions.org.

John Berryman, "Death Ballad" and "The Fact and Poems: 1937-1971. Copyright

©

Issues,"

from

Collected

1989 by Kate Donahue Berryman.

Reprinted by permission of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC. Collected Poems: 1937-1971. Reprinted

And from

by permission of Faber and

Faber Ltd.

John Berryman, Dream Song "#14," from The Dream Songs. Copyright

©

1969 by John Berryman. Copyright renewed 1997 by Kate Donahue

Berryman. Reprinted by permission of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC.

And from The Dream

Songs. Copyright

©

1969 by John Berryman.

Reprinted by permission of Faber and Faber Ltd. Evagrius Ponticus, The Praktikos

& Chapters on Prayer. Copyright

1972 by

Cistercian Publications, Inc. Published by Liturgical Press, Collegeville,

Minnesota. Reprinted with permission.

Franz Kafka, "The Departure," from Franz Kafka: The Complete edited by

Nahum N.

Stories,

Glatzer, copyright 1946, 1947, 1948, 1949, 1958, 1971

by Schocken Books. Used by permission of Schocken Books, a division of

Random House,

Inc.

published by Seeker

House Group

And from

Franz Kafka: The Complete

Stories,

& Warburg. Reprinted by permission of The Random

Ltd.

Philip Larkin, "Days,"

from

Collected Poems. Copyright

©

1988, 2003 by

the Estate of Philip Larkin. Reprinted by permission of Farrar, Straus

and Giroux, LLC. And from The Whitsun Weddings. Reprinted by permission of Faber and Faber Ltd.

Denise Levertov, "Annunciation," from

©

A Door in

the Hive, copyright

1989 by Denise Levertov. Reprinted by permission of New Directions

Publishing Corp.

Stephane Mallarme, Collected Poems. Translated by Henry Weinfield.

Copyright 1996 by University of California Kathleen Norris, "Blue Light," from Journey:

1969-1999.

©

Press.

New and Selected Poems

2001. Reprinted by permission of University of

Pittsburgh Press.

Kathleen Norris, "Persephone," from

Little Girls in

Church.

©

1995.

Reprinted by permission of University of Pittsburgh Press. Benedicta Ward, ed. The Sayings of the Desert Fathers. Copyright 1975 by Cistercian Publications, Inc. Published by Liturgical Press, Collegeville,

Minnesota. Reprinted with permission. Bible quotations (excepting psalms) are

from the

New Revised

Standard

Version, except where noted otherwise. Psalms are quoted from the Grail translation.

(Continued from front

flap)

An

examination of acedia in the light of theology, psychology, monastic spirituality, the

healing powers of religious practice, and Norris's experience, Acedia me j, both intimate and historically sweeping, brimming with exasperation as well as reverence,

own

&

sometimes funny

often provocative, and always important

KATHLEEN NORRIS

the award-winning poet and author of The Walk, Amazing Grace: Vocabulary of Fatth, and Dakota: Spiritual Geography, all nat.onal bestsellers and New York Times Notable Books of the Year. She is also the is

Clotster

A

A

author of Little Girls in Church and books of poetry. A popular

six

other

speaker and an editor at large at The Christian Century, Norris who has received grants from the Bush and

Guggenheim foundations, and has been in residence twice at the Collegeville Institute at Saint John's Abbey in Collegeville, Minnesota

an oblate of Assumption Abbey in North Dakota. She divides her time is

and South Dakota.

between Hawaii

© 2008 Amy C. King © agefotostock/SuperStock Photograph ofthe author © Callie Lipkin

Jacket design Jacket photograph

Printed in the TJ.S.A.

PRAISE FOR

KATHLEEN NORRIS and ;0

•ligion

'Kathleen Norris

[is]

spiritual writers

of our time.

CHRONICLE

with the imagination of a poet

across sensibility who dares leap a person of modern

number of reinterests and concerns of any time and space to make the but history's writing pilgrims her own. ... She bone of flective thinkers

also a

contemporary American one."

-ROBERT COLES, THE NEWYORKTIMES BOOK

REVIEW

who people: She's one of those writers resonates deeply for a lot of want to share this great discovery, mands to be handed around. You in the face of a gift-or you simply shove a copy rising her work as a s

riend, saying

'Read

this.'"

-MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE